stresseddepressedsleepopres-blog

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“The Blanket Was His, But It Smells Like Another Man Now”, a Fictitious Dilemma Debating Love or Lust *Adult Content*

The blanket was his, but it smells like another man now. I knew I would have to move on eventually, when you make someone disgusted in you they hardly ever want to come back to you. I still felt guilty for having sex with someone else. My body was his temple and I felt the need, for some reason, to keep it pure for him until he came back. But then I start to think, will he ever come back? And the answer is always the same, probably not. But it’s that probably that keeps me feeling guilty. I can not waste my college years trying to stay “pure” for the man that won’t come back. So I decided it was time to exploit the freedom I haven’t had for almost a year, the freedom to sleep around. Sex has never been my top priority, never extremely important to me. But that doesn’t stop my body from craving it and for feeling alone after not being touched by a loving man in two months. Two months. It seems like such a short time but, without him by my side, it felt like an eternity. I miss him with all my heart and sometimes it hurts so badly I can’t imagine that it will ever heal again. I don’t have time to fall apart, though, and it was time to move on and maybe explore a bit, and have fun.

    I had vaguely known my new man a bit before I invited him over but I don’t recall ever having a real conversation with him. It all started when a mutual friend had invited a group of people out to eat. We all convened at the local pancake joint and talked and laughed and made stupid jokes until very late in the night, or should I say early in the morning? Nevertheless, I set my sights on someone, an experience entirely uncommon for me. Even before my last relationship I had never really purposefully flirted with someone, I just wasn’t good at it. And I’m still not good at it. When everyone was starting to head home, I slid my phone over to him for him to add his contact information in. His friend, who had accompanied him and was carpooling with him, asked to add his information, as well. I saw no harm in it, so I allowed him to.

    The next day, I began conversing with the friend. Just harmless things like silly pictures and absent jokes. He was very nice and funny, but I could tell he was also very insecure and lonely. My goal at this point was to find a benefit for the side of my life, just someone to make the pain go away for a night or so. I am strictly against relationships right now. I’ve been hurt too bad and lost too much trust for something like that right now. So he and I began developing a friendship of sorts. The day after that, I asked him the big question. I was afraid of hurting his feelings when I asked because I didn’t want him to think I was using him, even though I was. I asked if his friend was seeing anyone. My heart pounded and adrenaline rushed as I waited for the response. He finally replied and said he could set us up on a date. I tried to delicately explain that what I was searching for was a little bit less innocent than that, he seemed to understand.

    I suppose I may never know what he said to his friend after that conversation but soon I found myself arriving to the movie theater to meet this man I had planned to ensnare two days before. He wore a floral button-up shirt and let the top three or four buttons hang open, a cheesy move but actually kind of sexy when played right. Just look at me, thinking like a prowess. Mother would be so ashamed. I had never been the type to “scope” out a guy or to feel like I was playing a game of cards and had to keep a poker face. But here I was, writing the rules and playing by them.

    He was very smart, this man. The conversation had a stigma of intelligence to it but was also bouncy and entertaining. Throughout the previews before the movie we chatted and shared stories of our past and got to know each other a bit better. Throughout the movie, I inched myself closer to him, disguised as just a simple shift in my seat. My signal was to orient my body in the direction of his, and my hand was placed on my knee. I assume he had similar signs but I’ve never been good at noticing these things in other people, unfortunately. Perhaps I get so wrapped up in the signals I’m putting out that I get too distracted. Or maybe I’m so new at flirting that I don’t realize how much I don’t know. When he would whisper a comment about the movie in my ear, he would be so close that his lips could have touched me and his breath fell hot on my cheeks.

    Halfway through the movie, his hand suddenly decided it wanted to hold mine. It was an easy move, it seemed, just to reach over and convey such an affection. His hands were big and strong and also a little unsure, if I can read him right. But nonetheless experienced as he began to stroke my hand with his thumb. I reciprocated, of course, and I liked it very much. Even though my heart was racing and the blood pounded to my ears, I found it easy to pretend like this was normal and that I had even expected him to act this way. Hoped, yes. Expected? A little less sure. Our hands stayed clasped throughout the rest of the movie and only released when the credits began and the audience made their way to the exit. Still, though, it was surprisingly easy to act like everything was normal. It felt like this was a dance that we had practiced together so many times that even the second thought of holding my hand in a movie on what may have been called a date, was just as normal as breathing. I was excited and goofy but I didn’t let him see his effects except for walking closer to him and smiling and laughing more to the things he says.

    He walked me to my car. The nighttime had now settled in as we strolled through the lamplit parking lot. I started my car and stood by the door and knew that it was time to go home now. I considered asking him if he wanted to go and eat and continue our time together until later into this mysterious night, but I didn’t want to seem too eager. And I worked the next morning. He thanked me for inviting him out, always eloquent, this one. I expressed that the pleasure was mine and that I had enjoyed our time together. I began to think about how funny it is to see a movie on a first date. The only real time you get to talk with the person is short conversations before and after the movie. The majority of the date you spend sitting next to them, in silence, for almost two hours, in a room filled with other strangers, staring at a moving picture. It was while I was pondering this that he was still talking and giving formal goodbyes that I reciprocated. It seemed he was done and about to walk away when he said, “I just want to try something real quick” and grabbed my arm and pulled me close, putting his lips to mine. It happened so fast that, even though I had already expected him to kiss me, it caught me off guard and made it all the more enjoyable. He kissed me once then did the most attractive thing as he reeled back a bit and kissed me again, more sure this time now that he knew it was accepted. Then he said, “I’ll be seeing you around, then?” and I replied, “You’ll be seeing me.” with the biggest grin on my face. I imagined I looked like the most ridiculous dork standing there by my car and smiling because I was a girl and he was a boy and he had just kissed me. Then he drove off, and I drove home.

I lay down in bed and stared at the ceiling, smiling. It felt good to be kissed, to feel like I was attractive and that someone liked me, a feeling that had been terrorized by my recent detachments. But I also had to ponder what this meant for me, for my future. Would I be less pure if the man I loved ever came back? And would this new man want more than I did out of our new experiences? The fear that he would fall in love with me and want to date me was settling in my stomach. But all of that faded away while I sat there and felt the remnants of his kiss on my lips. It didn’t matter what the future brought in our raging emotions, all I wanted was to feel more of him, to know more of him.

A friend once told me that my “type” was men I can not understand. I hadn’t realized until she said it, but she’s right. I like puzzles, I suppose. I’m very good at reading people. It’s like their whole life can be laid before me like an open book after just one conversation with them. I read everyone I meet, whether consciously or not, and can detect their insecurities and desires. I suppose it’s when I meet a man that stumps me, that I become interested. The mystery man can take my attention and ruin me in the process if I am not careful about how I conduct my, as I call it, research. The last man I was with, the one that took my heart and ran away with it, he was a mystery man, too. It seemed that anytime I got near to cracking his code, it changed. The ebb and flow of the confused and the confusing. I do believe I loved him with all my heart, not because he was a mystery man, but because he was so beautiful and exciting. He opened me like a gardener makes a flower bloom and he showed me how much more life could be, the possibilities. But, when everything came to an end, he had changed. He used to say “rules were made to be broken” and, anytime I was upset, he would laugh at me and tell me I had to “find what’s funny in the situation”, even if the situation was horrid. I suppose that’s the man I love and miss for by the time that he ended things, all he cared about was his job. He was obsessed with working and with doing everything right by his managers. He wanted to play by the rules and be the boss’s favourite. And he became so serious all the time. It was terrifying to realize, after things had ended, that I hadn’t truly noticed the change. It didn’t happen instantaneously like one would imagine, but slowly, over time, I lost him to a greater power; “The Man”, corporate systems that promise security and authority but that can become a slippery slope to becoming just another lackey.

In a way, I looked forward to decoding this new man. To figure out just what makes him do what he does, and why. I was going to be coy and make him crawl to me, but I suppose I got a bit too excited and couldn’t wait my allotted three days to see him again. The plan was to make him contact me first, to make him earn the prize, but I let myself get the better of me and I couldn’t sit around and wait any longer. And I’m still not sure if this was the right decision or not, but it did reap some satisfactory rewards.

The day after our first date, late at night, I messaged him. We chatted for a bit and I asked him how he was doing. He replied that he was tired, he had been trying to help repair his grandparents roof. I told him that it sounded as if he were very stressed and asked if he wanted to come over for a drink, and he came over. We drank and talked and I took him into my room to show him my book collection. We stood in my bedroom and talked for what felt like too long. I was leaning against the wall and I could tell his body wanted to come closer and touch mine but that he did not have the right permissions yet. I was testing him, pushing how long he could wait before he would make another move. The conversation turned to horror novels and I confessed my childhood obsession with Edgar Allen Poe’s The Raven. I actually had a small copy of it in my bedside table drawer and offered to show him. I sat on the edge of my bed and open the drawer and pulled it out. He sat down next to me, very close. Our hips touching, the bed squishing in and causing me to lean more against him, he was experienced in this. I looked at him and he wrapped his arms around me and began kissing me. We laid down and kept kissing each other. I had not had anybody in my bed with me in my new apartment yet. He was the first man I had let come into this bed, and that made me feel guilty. It was supposed to be my original lover that would come into my apartment late at night and touch me in this bed, or even to move in with me and share the bed as our own instead of just mine. He and I had always planned to move out together and the fact that I was now with another man, kissing in my bed, made me feel guilty. And I used that guilt to kiss him harder and more passionately.

It was strange kissing him. He had a unique style that I hadn’t quite adjusted to yet. I believe the biggest distraction was the overuse of his tongue. It was as if every other second his tongue would flick inside my mouth but then be gone in the next second. I did find myself wishing that he would just kiss me normally or with all tongue instead of trying to do both, but beggars can’t be choosers so I beared it and let him continue. He laid down on his back and I undid his shirt and straddled him and touched him gently. He seemed to thoroughly enjoy just the feel of my hands across his chest or in his hair. I could tell he hadn’t been touched in a while either, perhaps even longer than I had felt so alone myself. I kissed his neck and behind his ear and nipped a little bit to test the waters on where he liked or didn’t like something. I love when men moan, it’s just about one of the most attractive things in the bedroom.

And then my roommates came home. He redressed and we came into the kitchen chatting as if we had been in conversation in my room and not trying to “get it on”. We sat in the kitchen and talked and laughed with my roommates, it was truly an enjoyable conversation. I did not hold it against my roommates for coming home, but there was something I’d rather be doing. It became very late in the night and my roommates said they were going to bed. My new lover expressed that he should probably start to head home too, I suppose I hadn’t expected that he couldn’t read minds and that by inviting him over so late, I wasn’t just inviting him to come and kiss me then leave. I came in close to him and , in a very low voice so my roommates wouldn’t be disturbed, told him that he didn’t have to go home and that I have a queen sized bed. He agreed to stay.

We didn’t have sex, but he slept next to me that night in only his boxers and me in my panties and a t-shirt. This man was not a small man, compared to the other men I have slept next too. He wasn’t too large either. Maybe I’m a little too “Goldilocks” for my own good but if he were just a little bit taller, his body would be just right for mine. His body was thicker and a little pudgy, and that was just perfect. I snuggled against him and he told me that my breasts were “perky” and that my ass was “perfect”. Nobody had talked to me this way before so soon to getting to know me but the praise of my features, that felt long neglected, were very openly accepted. Sleeping next to him was the most comfortable I had slept since moving in to the apartment a month earlier. Sex is fleeting, sex is lustful and exciting. But nothing can compare to the peace and safety of sleeping curled up with another person. Nothing is more comfortable and relaxing. I can not think of a single thing more calming than being held in someone’s arms.

The next morning he lay next to me still. We talked for a little bit, quiet comfortable chatter. I learned that he was six years older than me. He recited shakespearean poetry to me, the most gentle, morning-gruff voice. It didn’t matter what he was reciting to me, his voice was beautiful in the early morning and he spoke with such tones as to make everything seem all the more wonderful. He could have been saying anything but as long as he recited it the way he did that morning, I was putty in his hands.

And then he left. And hours later, I could only think of what my past lover’s hands felt like and what it felt like to kiss him instead of remembering how this new man felt. How could I forget his touch so soon? How could my body and my mind so easily yearn for the lust of my past relationship and forget what just last night had felt like? All I could think of was what I missed, what was in the past. I knew I needed this new man back again, that night. I needed more. I needed to forget my past experiences, I wanted new ones to replace the old ones. And it was also then that I finally let go of any hope that I could love this new man. I felt bad, I suppose, but wasn’t the whole point to just use him? I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with him anyways and that’s why it shouldn’t matter that I couldn’t ever love him for the pain of my past kept me tied to the man that doesn’t want me.

The very next night, he came back. I drank a lot that night. I can remember saying “oh, I’m so drunk” many times. But this didn’t stop us from going into my bedroom that night, in fact, the whole point was to do it while drunk, so I didn’t have to feel the searing pain of my guilt when I slept next to this man again. I hadn’t planned to have sex that night, but I ended up performing for him anyways. He asked me for a blowjob, I obliged. I didn’t mind giving one in the least. The first time seeing his member was a little disappointing, to be honest. Big talk for a small penis. It wasn’t the smallest thing in the world, I could still work with it well enough, but it was smaller than I was used to. I asked him if it bothered him that I was drunk, he said it didn’t. This had repeated several times over the night. There should always be a red flag for a man that doesn’t mind doing sexual things with a drunk girl but I had specifically asked him over to do sexual things with a drunk girl. The man I was with before would never do anything with me if I were drunk, it was one of his personal rules after a bad, previous experience. First I was giving a blowjob, then he was standing above me, putting on a condom, and then he was putting himself inside of me. He didn’t really get on top though, which was weird. I think he is self conscious about his weight and was afraid of crushing me if he got over me so he attempted to go from an angle, but this did not work very well, especially with his personal’s size being so decreased. I eventually had to get on top and straddled him as I rode him. He massaged my clit vigorously and moaned and said dirty things. It wasn’t the worst sex, but it wasn’t the best.

But the strangest thing happened, I came extremely close to orgasiming. I have never experienced an orgasm, being with two men before this one. The last man, that I knew I loved still, came close a handful of times but it was only after being together for months and he was acquainted with my body by then, he was still unable to rouse one. But this man, this odd, lonely man, that says he’s been with twelve women before myself, that behaves so oddly and proudly supports communism, this odd man that does not have enough member to cause any real discomfort, almost roused my first orgasm on the first try. That just makes him more interesting and makes me want him more.

The next weekend, he came back. We didn’t have sex again because he didn’t bring a condom, but we got very physical. I gave him a blowjob until he finished and swallowed what his member produced. He asked for a pet name for me, I told him he can say “good girl” and call me his “good girl”. And he did. And it sounded so beautiful coming from his mouth, in between his moans, when I know I am pleasuring him. And another strange thing happened, he pleasured me with my nipples. I have never felt pleasure from my nipples. It has always been uncomfortable and weird when they are being interacted with, and I had told him this before. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was that odd mystery about this man, but he went after them and it felt so good. I had never felt pleasure such as that before. I moaned and he smiled and chuckled, all of these little things that he does that make him entirely attractive to me.

I hope he will come back again. I hope he becomes mine for the summer, at least, and I want to be his, too. The dilemma, you see, is that I still want my previous man, I still want him with all my heart. I still cry over how he will not be with me anymore. But this new man is just as much of a mystery, if not more, to me. The blanket on my bed belonged to the previous man, but now it smells of the sweat and lust of this new man. I don’t know what to succumb to, my pain and longing for the past, or my new lust for this new man? Can both exist in my life?

Originally written: 8 June, 2019

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“The Debate of College Tuition and Student Debt”, an Essay Informing of the Current Rate of Student Debt and College Tuition Raises and What is Being Done About it

In the United States of America, the nation of freedom and equality, it is no surprise that education is one of the biggest topics currently being debated throughout the country. A country is only as smart as its people, after all. From birth to death humans are always learning and, with the edition of an organized schooling network, humans can learn the accumulation of what their ancestors had learned decades and even centuries ago. One of the many constant debates, however, is how much this education should cost a student. Up until high school graduation, public schooling is mostly free for its students. Aside from paying for school supplies and meals, the education costs the students nothing but their time and efforts. However when a student graduates high school and begins their college career, life can seem more difficult to manage and a budget can be harder to afford. Many students find themselves taking out loans to help cover the oftentimes high prices of college and can survive the long years before graduating with a degree. But that degree also come with a heavy weight to follow, student loan debt. A majority of student loans rack up to such a high amount that the student could be spending the rest of their life trying to pay them off. This leaves the student wondering, “What can I do to not get into crippling debt?” And America has since been trying to discover the most efficient and sustainable way to answer this question.

    To find a solution it is important to first know the facts. Tom Price, an American physician and politician, published a scholarly article titled “Should College Tuition Be Free?” and stated that “A majority of college graduates are leaving school owing more than $25,000, and nearly 7 million have defaulted on their student loans. Student debt nationwide totals almost $1.3 trillion — up 350 percent since 2005” (Price). With so many people owing so much money, it is not surprising that 30% of families have reported feeling the stressful repercussions of student debt; and, unfortunately, the numbers keep rising. Every semester thousands of new students start college. Whether they are fresh out of high school or are grown adults returning for a better education, classrooms are filled every semester. With the continuous amount of new students, colleges deem fit to justify skyrocketing tuition prices to compensate. This raise in prices causes more student loans to be employed for the student to be able to get their degree. When a student is first beginning college and searching for someplace to take out a loan, this can leave them vulnerable to predatory lending. Many scammers and con artists will attempt to take advantage of students by financially entrapping them with unfair, deceptive, and fraudulent loan services designed to trick the student into agreeing to a deal that they can not possibly get out of. Along with loans offered to students, government financial assistance also adds to the rising enrollment in college. Americans that qualify for government assistance have an allotted amount of tuition money awarded to them that they are allowed to utilize for their college career. Many experts believe that student debt is rising due to the higher number of students enrolling to college which causes the colleges to raise their tuition to collect more money.

    As in any other popular political debate, the public opinion on the issue matters significantly. There have been a large amount of strikes and rallies by Americans that believe that college tuition should be cheaper or even free; but there are also many that have spoken out against free college, stating that it would destroy the quality of the education itself. The country is constantly split on the decision between providing free college or not. Lydia Saad, a senior editor for The Gallup Poll, included a chart in her article “Americans Buy Free Pre-K; Split on Tuition-Free College” that describes the percentages of Americans that have voted yes or no for free college. The chart dictates that 48% of men and 46% of women have said yes to free college and that younger Americans from ages 18 to 34 voted higher for free college tuition than either the 35 to 54 age group and, with an even lower percentage voting yes, the 55 and older age group. Saad states in her article that “government programs aren't free -- everything has to be paid for through taxes or government debt that will eventually come due. And it is not clear whether Americans who favor these programs do so because they aren't thinking about the costs, because they assume "someone else" will pay them or because they believe the price in higher taxes is worth it.” (Saad) It could be assumed then that some of the people that had voted yes to free college did not consider the funding for it or who would have to pay for it. Many of the people who voted for free college tuition were young people from low-income households that had not graduated college yet so it likely could be assumed that the newest generation of students expects someone else to foot the bill for their education. Jeffrey T. Denning wrote a paper titled “College on the Cheap: Consequences of Community College Tuition Reductions” for the American Economic Journal: Economic Policy and stated “Community college students are more likely than four-year university students to be from backgrounds with historically lower educational attainment, such as racial minorities and low-income families, and are also more likely to be the first generation of college students in their family.” (Denning)

    With Americans filing bankruptcy and complaining to the government about the large amounts of student debt weighing them down, the government listened and responded. The government has set many loan forgiveness systems in place such as the Teacher Loan Forgiveness Program, Military College Loan Repayment Program, Disability Discharge Student Loan Forgiveness and many more. However, sometimes the government systems are either too selective or do not help enough when someone is too deep into debt. The Debt Collective, active since 2012, have made it their mission to help Americans out of debt and to fight back against economic exploitation. The Debt Collective states on their website that “When we work together we can create conditions where everyone can thrive; where resources are shared; and where our economic system is organized in the interest of the many, not the few.” (The Debt Collective Authors) The Debt Collective assists people in debt in disputing their debts and getting relief from it. The authors of the website use inspiring words to coerce the reader to join their cause and to fight back together. The site provides an open source to a community of people who are in debt and attempting to get out, information and articles about current events and forums, and then gives the reader the tools to dispute their debt. The authors energize the reader and encourage them to fight against their debt because it is easier for a group of people to fight for their finances together rather than alone. The Debt Collective tells their readers “For decades we have been forced to debt finance basic needs as the cost of living has skyrocketed and wages have flatlined. While we have struggled to keep food on the table and care for our families our wages have been garnished, our tax returns seized, and our credit destroyed.” (The Debt Collective Authors) The Debt Collective also provides a community of people that can communicate with each other and discuss financial issues in open forums and articles.

    One of the major divides in the debate over students paying for college or not come from the two major political parties, Democrats and Republicans, and how they view the situation and how to best handle it. Democrats believe in making community college completely free. Democrats say that nothing should get in a students way of receiving an education, not even money. On the 2016 Democratic Platform page it says that “The federal government will push more colleges and universities to take quantifiable, affirmative steps in increasing the percentages of racial and ethnic minority, low-income, and first-generation students they enroll and graduate.” (Democratic Platform Authors) The platform page promises free community college and declares that students should be able to go to college debt-free. They also cover people that are already in debt and state that “Democrats will allow those who currently have student debt to refinance their loans at the lowest rates possible.” (Democratic Platform Authors) The page also states that they will fight for a Borrowers Bill of Rights to give the people access to information on how to avoid or escape default or delinquency. Republican, on the other hand, do not believe in free college. The Republican Platform page has written “We need new systems of learning to compete with traditional four-year schools: Technical institutions, online universities, lifelong learning, and work-based learning in the private sector. Public policy should advance their affordability, innovation, and transparency and should recognize that a four-year degree from a brick-and-mortar institution is not the only path toward a prosperous and fulfilling career.” (Republican Platform Authors) Republicans believe that instead of moving past college payments entirely, that they should work on them instead and try to fix the broken system so that it is more affordable and to make different schooling programs worth just as much as an expensive four-year institution to create more opportunities for the people.

    For the issues of student debt and college tuition, I believe that free college could potentially become worse than making college more affordable. America already has a free education system and it is called public school and many public school systems are not held to a very high regard. Many middle and high school students take their education for granted because it is free. I feel that in paying for college that the student cares about it more and works towards better grades because they are paying for their classes out of pocket. I think if college were free it would be taken for granted as much as middle or high school is now and that in no time at all a two year degree would mean the same as a high school GED, not much. I believe that healing the system and helping those in debt to lessen the burden is the best way to go because if all debt and payments were eradicated entirely, they would be taken for granted and not respected as much as it should be.

Sources: 

Price, Tom. “Student Debt: Should College Tuition Be Free?”, library.cqpress.collin.edu, CQ Researcher, 18 November, 2016. Accessed 26 April, 2019. http://library.cqpress.com.library.collin.edu/cqresearcher/document.php?id=cqresrre2016111800&type=hitlist&num=0

Denning, Jeffrey T. "College on the Cheap: Consequences of Community College Tuition Reductions." American Economic Journal.Economic Policy, vol. 9, no. 2, 2017, pp. 155-188. ProQuest, Accessed 26 April, 2019. http://library.collin.edu/login?url=https://search-proquest-com.library.collin.edu/docview/1891912848?accountid=7969

Saad, Lydia. “Americans Buy Free Pre-K; Split on Tuition-Free College”, news.gallup.com, Gallup, 2 May, 2016. Accessed 26 April, 2019. https://news.gallup.com/poll/191255/americans-buy-free-pre-split-tuition-free-college.aspx

Democratic Party Platform Authors, “The 2016 Democratic Platform”, democrats.org, Democrats, 2016. Accessed 26 April, 2019. https://democrats.org/about/party-platform/#free-college

Republican Party Platform Authors, “Great American Families, Education, Healthcare, and Criminal Justice”, www.gop.com, GOP, 2016. Accessed 26 April, 2019. https://www.gop.com/platform/renewing-american-values/

The Debt Collective Authors. “Organize. Resist. Rebuild.”, debtcollective.org, Debt Collective, 2012. Accessed 26 April, 2019. https://debtcollective.org/

Originally Written: April 27, 2019

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“Diamonds, Divas, and Diminishing Health”, an Essay Discussing Celebrity Mental Health

Glamorous clothing, lavish parties, adoring fans, and tons of money are only a small portion of what is promised to those believers that dare to dream of being famous. Many typical people aspire to be as popular as their favorite celebrities from television, film, or stage. From age groups ranging from very young children to adults, many people find themselves emotionally attached to an actor or performer they favor the most. A large portion of fans are considered a part of a “fan base” for celebrities that a great amount of people favor. This attachment can come from the audience liking how a celebrity looks, what roles they have acted in, what songs they have sang, or even if the celebrity is just very relatable to the audience. Whether Broadway or Hollywood, actors deemed as a “celebrity” are practically worshipped as being better or higher humans than the average person. Many fans would deem themselves unworthy if they ever had the chance to meet a celebrity in real life because they consider the celebrity as “better” than themselves. But the truth is, they are not. Every celebrity is simply a very talented regular person, and this does not exempt them from the physical or mental tolls that can be acquired from constant stress, anxiety, or depression.

    Mental health has become a more open subject in the last couple of years. Many celebrities have stepped forward to speak out about their struggle with mental health issues. And too high a number of stars have also been tragically lost too young due to untreated depression or anxiety. Celebrities like Demi Lovato, Britney Spears, Ryan Reynolds, and Ellen DeGeneres and so many more have openly spoken about their struggles with depression, anxiety, or extreme amounts of stress. Many studies have shown that the demands of show business can oftentimes be too much for an average person. Actors suffer in their own way in how they perform onstage or in films. Many actors have a tendency to fall into method acting, in which the actor is so focused on portraying the character they play that it can begin to change who they are in their normal life. This can be dangerous to the actor, especially if portraying a villain or otherwise immoral character. Acting is also extremely emotionally demanding in requiring the actor to be capable of displaying emotions in a way that is believable. This is especially difficult for live, stage performers because it requires them to display these emotions constantly and repetitively for an audience. In her article “Out of Character: How Acting Puts a Mental Strain on Performers”, Leith Taylor states that “Performers are twice as likely as the general population to experience depression, according to the 2015 Australian Actors’ Wellbeing Study. Many suffer from performance anxiety and report high levels of stress arising from work-related pressures such as low income and job insecurity.” (Taylor 1)

    Along with the mental strain forced on celebrities, there is also the physical strain. Society has created a standard for women and men that says they should be a certain size or shape to fit the bill. For women, it is naturally assumed that they should be thin and beautiful. Many celebrity women have suffered through plastic surgery, extreme weight loss, or hours in a makeup chair just to appear in front of a crowd. Celebrities such as Kelly Clarkson, Lady Gaga, Selena Gomez, and Amy Schumer are some of the women that have opened up to their fanbase about the eating disorders they struggle with to try and keep themselves within the standards of society. Even someone as famous as Meryl Streep has told of how she had been turned away from an audition for being too ugly for the role. It is also common among fashion models or beauty pageant contestants to develop life threatening eating disorders to look right for their roles. While often overlooked by the amount of women with eating disorders, men are often neglected when they speak out about their struggles. Men are also held to a very high standard in the celebrity world in that by society’s standards they should be tall, handsome, kind, and muscular. Men such as Zayn Malik, Dennis Quaid, and Matt McGorry have all spoken up about their battles with eating disorders. One of the most controversial preparations for men to make for a role is called a dehydration diet. Often the demands of an audience lead the directors to strain an actor for more veiny or defined muscles on screen. One of the fastest ways of achieving large, well-defined muscles is the dehydration diet, the process of the man drinking up to ten litres of water in a week and then, thirty hours before filming, to stop drinking water entirely. This dries out the bones and causes the muscles to become more defined and detailed. The dehydration diet is extremely dangerous for the actor and can lead to future health problems, passing out, or even death. Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) fighters often use this method before a fight and many have died from being hit too hard and their body can not sustain itself in such a serious state of dehydration. But, nevertheless, acting and performing men continue to toe the line and risk their life for the imagery that society demands of men’s muscles.

Although there are many actors and performers that have survived their career perfectly fine, the continuously growing number of celebrities struggling with mental and physical disorders due to the pressures of Hollywood and Broadway should not be ignored. Many theater troupes or film sets keep therapists on hand to give the performers the mental health assistance they may need. Many celebrities also voice their struggles or even their path to recovery through rehabilitation and this, in turn, could inspire a fan that admires that celebrity and decides to seek help too. Although they are very good at handling stress or pulling themselves together to smile for a crowd, celebrities are only human beings and deserved to be treated as such and not as puppets of the media to bend and twist themselves into the image the audience wants to see. 

Sources: 

Taylor, Leith. “Out of Character: How Acting Puts a Mental Strain On Performers”, theconversation.com, December 6, 2017.  theconversation.com/out-of-character-how-acting-puts-a-mental-strain-on-performers-86212

Evans, Matthews. “Why Dehydrating Your Body To Look Good Is Dangerous”, www.menshealth.com, March 14, 2017.  https://www.menshealth.com/uk/building-muscle/a757464/why-dehydrating-your-body-to-look-good-is-dangerous/

Vann, Madeline. “Fame, Fortune, and Despair”, www.everydayhealth.com, June 16, 2014. https://www.everydayhealth.com/depression/fame-fortune-and-despair-1477.aspx

Originally Written: April 23, 2019

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“Objectification in America’s Biggest Beauty Pageant”, an Essay Discussing Modern Sexism

In the era of the #MeToo movement and women’s continuous fight for equality, it is not surprising that the annual Miss America beauty pageant draws constant controversy from women and men everywhere. Since the initiation of the pageant in 1921, protests and debates have been held to express distaste in the events of women modeling their looks, talents, and their chosen social issue to endorse. In many views the Miss America beauty pageant is blatantly sexist and objectifies women. However, proponents of the pageant hold the standing that the pageant is a scholarship program that benefits women and builds their self-esteem. While the pageant seems to have an explanation for every accusation, the leaders can not hide that the pageant is a way for women to sell the image of their body and perform tricks like a pet for the enjoyment of the audience and judges. And, while the contest may be for a scholarship, scholarships should be awarded on merit of an applicant’s mind and intellect; instead of being earned by modelling skimpy swimsuits and jumping through hoops for applause.

    When the Miss America beauty pageant began, it was designed by hoteliers in Atlantic City, New Jersey, for the sole purpose of attracting more tourists during the Labor Day holiday. The competition was based around a swimsuit modelling from all the contestants and the judges would decide which woman was the most beautiful by society's standards of how a woman should look. “Contestants had to be under 25 years old, at least five feet four inches tall, weigh less than 130 pounds, and be unmarried” (InfoBase 1). These small beginnings alone prove that the Miss America beauty pageant was specifically designed to draw an audience's attention by turning women into objects, only seen for their physical appearance. However, it has recently been announced that the pageant is removing the swimsuit portion of competition, a decision that has stirred the ongoing beauty pageant debate once more.  Christina Cauterucci, a writer for Slate.com, published an article bearing the subject of the beauty pageant being useless with or without the swimsuit portion. “The remaining components of the pageant - talent, interview, on-stage questions, and the new conversation with judges about life goals - don’t lend themselves to a cohesive vision of best-ness any better than they did when evening gowns and swimsuits were part of the rubric.” (Cauterucci 3) Cauterucci also states “Carlson didn’t note exactly what part of being judged on womanly poise and presence by a mix-gender panel is supposed to be empowering, or why a woman who shows the world the inside of her soul deserves money for college any more than, I don’t know, a young, low-income woman who clams up in front of a camera.” (Cauterucci 3-4)

    Arguably the biggest defense the beauty pageant has against the negative effects of the competition is that the women are competing for a large college scholarship. But the question begged to ask is what exactly about a beauty pageant deems the winner worthy enough for a college scholarship? Surely the women competing can prove that they are beautiful, that they can answer questions and appear as a good person, and that they each have a special talent to perform and a social issue to endorse. But how do these feats decide whether a woman is worthy for such a large college fund or not? By word of many opponents of the Miss America pageant, showing off their bodies and performance talents should not automatically equal how well the woman would do in college. Instead the women should be judged on their intelligence and knowledge, not how well they sing, dance, or play piano. Performing these arbitrary tasks can not possibly prove a woman’s worth in a college any better than they could prove that a plus size woman with a brilliant mind could not perform well in a college.

Another major concern is the effect of the competition on the next generation of young girls. The pageant leaders state that the competition encourages women and empowers them but that does not seem to be the case when the program shows varying images of underweight women and names it beauty. “A study performed by researchers from John Hopkins University found that more than half of the Miss America winners since 1970 have had a body mass index (BMI) under 18.5. The World Health Organization defines a healthy BMI for women as between 20 and 25; those with a BMI under 20 are considered undernourished.” (InfoBase 6) Many impressionable girls and women watch the Miss America pageant when it airs and can not help but compare themselves to the women that are proclaimed to be the most beautiful in the nation. And who can blame them? What girl would not want to be like their beautiful peers? However, unfortunately, in the efforts to be the same size as the women on television, many girls end up starving themselves to reach the same weight as the contestants and can develop low self esteem and eating disorders as well as added pressure to try and achieve an unhealthy image. Many past contestants have even opened up to the media to speak about their personal struggle with eating disorders throughout their pageant career.

    Though the debate of the Miss America pageant will continue to rage on, the act of having women make a performance of tasks for a panel of judges will never not prove that the pageants seek only to make women into objects for an audience rather than show the women as individuals. By having the contestants win a college scholarship without proving themselves on a scholarly basis shows that the competition is focused on having women prance around in skimpy clothing for the world’s approval. The pageant is a display of how corporations use the viewings to endorse themselves and make more money from the popularity of women selling themselves. The pageant has also proven to be damaging to young girls and women that find themselves idolizing the image of the “perfect woman” and end up with lower self esteem and occasionally eating disorders. The Miss America beauty pageant was invented as a way to objectify women and to see them position themselves for the judge’s approval and not many major changes can alter the fact that the Miss America pageant will only ever be used to sell and sexualize the women competing. 

Sources: 

Infobase. “Beauty Pageants: Are beauty pageants beneficial for women and society?” Facts On File (Issues and Controversies), 18 March, 2005. Accessed 21 March, 2019. icof.infobaselearning.com/articles/culture-and-media/media-pageants.aspx?sr=1&tab=1&hd=1736

Cauterucci, Christina. “Even Without the Swimsuit Competition, Miss America is Indefensible”

www.slate.com

, June 5, 2018. Accessed March 27, 2019.

https://slate.com/culture/2018/06/even-without-the-swimsuit-competition-miss-america-is-a-horrible-insitution.html

Originally Written: March 28, 2019

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Deathbed Poem, fiction

Look up to the stars

can you see heaven?

I'll heal all your scars

O, beautiful one.

Stay with me forever

Please don't go away

We were supposed to be together

Every single day

I hope my song will rid you of your pains

So sleep now, my dear

Break free of your chains

and my voice will be for you to hear.

Now sleep and remember

Even though I say adieu

While you're up there, my admirer

I'll be down here still loving you.

Originally Written: August 11, 2014

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“The Good, the Bad, and the Child Star”, an Essay Discussing the Pros and Cons of Child Stars

You have seen them everywhere. They have been on your television, the radio, on stage, and they exist all around you. Child actors. Some child actors have real, incredible talent while some are just hired for their looks. Either way, the media and Hollywood empire often times rely on child actors and heavily employ them. The greatest controversy is: Should they? It has been seen so many times where a sweet child actor becomes obsolete due to growing up, bad behavior, or unstable mental health. Sometimes they use their fame to promote a wild, scandalous part of their life that they might not want to remember later on. But the media always remembers and, sometimes, it is hard to come back after they have slid down that slippery slope. On the other side of the argument, acting is good for some kids. They can learn things like managing their time, public speaking skills, human interaction, and handling large amounts of stress and anxiety. But oftentimes child actors are lonely and parents can make the stress even greater. The challenge is to find the right balance between work and fun for child actors.

    Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Mary-Kate Olsen, Michael Jackson, Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, and Macaulay Culkin are just a few names of the stars who have grown up in the spotlight and it drove them crazy. Many child stars find it hard to stay in school, keep touch with friends, and even keep a regular eating pattern or sleep pattern when under the stress and deadlines that actors are held to. Britney Spears shaved her head in a rehab session because her stardom had been circulating about the importance of her being beautiful. Several of these star’s mental breakdowns are due to the high stress, anxiety, and overall expectations that producers and directors are looking for. Many develop eating or drinking disorders or even an addiction to drugs. They are always looking for something to help numb their brain from all the stress they are under.

    Michael Jackson, the king of pop, underwent some of the craziest transformations and had the spotlight on him for a very long time. Aside from having some great music, Jackson grew up singing with his siblings in Jackson 5 and soon was the lead vocalist and had a great energy and persona on stage. But offstage, he was constantly frightened. His father, Joe Jackson, constantly beat his children for mistakes in their performances. He would bring a belt to rehearsals and punish them if they did not meet his expectations. But that did not stop Michael’s talent from pulling through. He soon left his brothers in the dust with his performances and went on to form his own name. As these things sometimes do though, his career came to a spiraling end. Jackson slowly became more and more concerning as his actions became more questionable and his mental health diminished. Accusations and rumors began spreading that only furthered people’s suspicion of him. He was accused of child molestation, he dangled over a balcony in Berlin in 2002, frightening the nervous fans below, he became addicted to morphine and pain killers, there was a child pornography scandal, he owed a lot of debts, and finally, due to a medical condition, his skin was growing lighter. All of this added up against him and abruptly ended him when he died of a heart attack on June 25th, 2009. Michael Jackson is one of the biggest examples of a child star gone wrong. The stresses of fame were too much for him to handle and, eventually, it all came crashing down around him.

    Demi Lovato, a twenty-five year old singer/songwriter/actress, has gone through her own struggles. Her acting career started as a young child in Barney and Friends and she was ever moving up from there. She starred in a couple disney shows and her singing talent was discovered. While singing, acting, and just all around having the typical stress and anxieties of a teenager, Demi fell into alcoholism, drug addiction, she was being bullied, self-harming, and developed an eating disorder. She almost overdosed several times and finally checked herself into a rehabilitation center at the age of 18. Her career was put on hiatus as she took her time to recover. When she returned, it was still really hard for her to retain her sobriety and she secretly did cocaine when filming a documentary about how she had banished her addiction. As of now, she has been sober for five years and is bringing herself to a standard of dignity and beauty. Demi Lovato is one of the many child actors that has been capable of pulling herself out of a place of total weakness and desperation.

    On the flip side though, there are many benefits of children being in acting programs. Many specialists have said that acting as a child can help develop memorization skills, public speaking, a good work ethic, poise, and adaptability. It can build confidence in a child, make them feel special and that they have accomplished something. It can bring in the ideas of teamwork, patience and commitment, and can build respect. Acting can teach a child to think creatively, to be more compassionate, and learn how to express themselves. It can help a child learn how to control themselves and how they behave, how they present themselves, and, if they can find a good balance, have a level of fun and work that they will ultimately use later on in life.

It is rarely heard of when a child actor grows in a stable way and transitions well into their adult acting life. That is mostly because it is not scandalous or “news worthy” enough to be shouted into the ear of the public. Many child actors have grown and developed under the spotlight and managed to keep themselves sane. Some child actors decided that the actor’s lifestyle was not for them and have settled down to a quiet, peaceful life and started a family. Some started a family yet kept at their acting ambitions.

Jodie Foster, the fifty-five year old American Actress, started her career at the age of three as a child model. After a couple years of that she moved to acting and had several parts in television sitcoms. Her biggest break was when she played the role of a teenage prostitute in the 1976 Taxi Driver. She was twelve at the time and the director and her mother had a psychiatrist assess her before they began filming. It was a very controversial role for her to play, being as young as she was around such sexually suggestive scenes. In the end though, she won four awards for her acting skills. Foster grew up in the spotlight and was recognized to have amazing talent. She has been in at least thirty-seven movies and about ten television shows. Jodie Foster also has directed four films. She went to Yale along with all this and eventually married Alexandra Hedison and now has two sons. There is no doubt that, as a child star, there were not bad moments and dramatic meltdowns as every child experiences but Jodie Foster is a great example of a child star that grew up with everyone’s eyes on her and pulled through amazingly.

And lastly, Natalie Portman. This thirty-six year old star had started her acting career at age eleven. And since then, she has been in forty-seven movies. In 1996, Portman became aware of the wiseness of turning down roles when she was described as “A pedophile’s dream.” in an interview for her role in Beautiful Girls. Hearing something like that is not what a pre-teen ever needs to hear about themselves. Nevertheless, Portman’s mental health has held up through her child acting career into her adult acting career. In 1997, she put her acting on hiatus to attend Harvard University. Aside from her role in the Star Wars prequels, Portman did not act for the four years she was at college. After her role in Black Swan, which involved five to eight hours of dance training each day for six months, Portman won three awards. In 2009 she married a French dancer and they now have two children. Through her acting career, Natalie Portman showed her amazing talent and artistry in every role she took on and managed to keep her stress and anxiety in a safe way.

So this all begs the questions: “Is letting a child act beneficial or detrimental?” There are many pros and cons to allowing a child to reach for stardom but a very important part is that they have supportive parents to back them up. If a child has goals, their parent should help or support them. Learning acting as a child can lead to many lifelong skills such as managing a schedule or their time, memorization skills, and social skills. But there are also downsides as an acting career can cause a lot of stress and anxiety on a child and cause them to have lifelong trauma and mental instabilities. 

Sources:

Reid, Jackie. “5 Huge Benefits of Being a Child Actor”, www.backstage.com, 4 May 2016, http://www.backstage.com/advice-for-actors/backstage-experts/5-huge-benefits-being-child-actor/     Hartt, Cathryn. “14 Ways Acting is Beneficial for Kids and Teens”, www.backstage.com, 21 July 2015,     

Wilson, Mara. “7 Reasons Child Stars Go Crazy (An Insider’s Perspective)”, www.cracked.com, 28 May 2013,     

Childs, Dan. “Stressing and Acting Out”, www.abcnews.go.com, 20 February 2007,     

Us Weekly Staff. “Child Stars Gone Bad”, www.usmagazine.com, 16 October 2016,     

Burkeman, Oliver. “Michael Jackson: The Child Star Haunted By Fame And Scandal”, www.theguardian.com, 25 June 2009,    

 “Demi Lovato”, en.wikipedia.org, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demi_Lovato

“Jodie Foster”, en.wikipedia.org, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jodie_Foster

“Natalie Portman”, en.wikipedia.org, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natalie_Portman

Originally Written: March 23, 2018

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“In the Poor Man’s Pocket”, an Argumentative Essay Discussing Poverty

Ever since there have been human beings, there has been someone who owned more than another. Even before proper currency when early man would trade items for more useful items, there was always someone who had something more or something better. Jealousy, greed, and poverty have followed the human race since we first began. Then came money. Coins or bills that could be exchanged for goods and wares. It’s always been a race to procure the most money. Money became equal to power. Whoever had money could control whoever did not. This is what the human race has evolved to. We do not focus on helping our fellow human, we focus on stepping on his head to climb over him to the top. Acquiring wealth has taken over the human mindset. But what about the people that are getting stepped on? How do they fit in? There has to be somebody at the bottom to be the foundation of the ones at the top. Who are they on top of? The answer has been around since humans have been: the poor. Poverty is not anything new. As long as there have been humans, there are people in at least some form of poverty.

    Poverty is estimated to affect some 43.1 million people in America and the estimate does not even count the homeless (Center For Poverty Research). One in six Americans lives below the poverty line (Deaton, Angus). There are many different views on poverty. Some people believe that poverty is the person’s fault. That they are not willing to work or to even try anymore and want the government to support them. Others say that being poor is not the poor person’s fault in that sometimes they have to make unwise decisions just to survive another day. To pay the next bill before the due date or to buy their family food again they might have to use their rent money which would end up putting them in a debt that can take a long time to pay off and if they can not pay it off, things get even worse. Poverty can be a slippery slope that’s hard to escape. While there are different opinions on whose fault poverty is, it does not change the fact that poverty is here and very real and that it is affecting a lot of people every single day.

    Diligent work adds up over a lifetime. While invisible in a day-to-day routine, diligence and hard work can always be appreciated when looking back. Diligence is hard to keep up with, especially when people are giving free handouts that seem easier than keeping track of daily routines. It is highly believed that people in poverty are in poverty because of their lack of diligence and strict budgets (Dreher, Rods). Many people fall into the temptation of credit cards and are allured by the thought of buying what they like when they like. But credit cards can be a black hole that sucks the user down into a deeper poverty. A large part of the problem is a lust for wealth. When someone poor sees a wealthy man, he envies him and lusts after his money. Many poor people have spent every loan or credit they could get to buy a nice car, a big house, a fancy TV, or designer clothing. They believe that if they play the part of the rich, they can pass among society. And mostly, poor people want an immediate satisfaction. It is all about happiness and most believe that, in this world, wealth is happiness. But money only brings a temporary fix. A sheet to cover up the real underlying problems. And, sadly, many people just give up. When looking at people in poverty there are many prominent features such as spending all their free time watching TV, eating a lot of junk food, complaining about lazy spouses, ungrateful kids, stupid bosses, and controlling parents. Often a poor person is good at making excuses and blames any obstacle in their way on whoever they can. It is also common for them to get their adrenaline rushes from horror movies or doing stupid things to show off and, finally, that they always respond aggressively to critique (Nikitina, Arina). Being poor is not always about how much money a person has. It is about the mindset of the person. If they accept poverty and blame it on others and try to ignore it instead of focusing on a goal and reaching that goal, then they will be poor forever and no amount of “free” government handouts will solve that.

    Many of these beliefs, however, are said to be myths (ATD Fourth World). Many rich people are prejudiced on the fact that they think they are better than any of the poor just because they have money. One of the biggest sayings that goes around is that poor people do not want to work (Nikitina, Arina). But the fact of it is, there are more people in poverty working than not. It often happens that a person can try very hard to get a job but there just are not enough jobs to go around.  Another myth is that the U.S. does not have that much poverty. Some people believe that poverty in America is a myth. It is also often assumed that the rate of drug usage is higher in poor communities. That is false. Many studies have shown that higher income correlates to higher drug use. And oftentimes wealthy people believe that they will never be poor. So they keep spending money and getting into debt and eventually it catches up to them. And the biggest reason why is that the system is against the people. America currently is not working to bring everyone up so they have the same opportunities as their neighbor. It is working to help the rich get richer and the poor to get poorer. Many wealthy people do not care about the less fortunate. They are just looking for the next way to get more money. And sometimes that even includes tricking people with false pretenses.

    In my personal belief, I say that both are correct. The human race is so diverse and different that such a large amount of people can not be the same. There are some people who would rather just let the government take care of them and pay for their life while they sit around and watch TV or play video games. But there are also ambitious people that could work their whole lives for something. Some people have just given up because it is too hard and they are tired and they resort to alcohol or drugs and let the government take care of their bills or they join the ever growing amount of homeless communities. The people that are constantly at work and struggling to survive even if everything is against them are the diligent. Sometimes diligence does not pay off though. Despite hard work over a lifetime it often reaps nothing. There have been many people who have lost their life to the fact that the system is just not in their favour. Maybe it was the person who would be the best president or the next Einstein but nobody ever knew because they had no way of speaking out because they did not have the wealth or the high standing in society for anyone to know. Poverty in America is a huge problem and it is not just about some people being greedy, while that is a portion of it, it also has to do with the mindset of the person in poverty in how they control themselves from it (Ganim, Carole). A person has a bad life because of their attitude about it, not their circumstances (Dreher, Rod).

Sources:

ATD Fourth World. “Poverty Myths”, 4thworldmovement.org, Accessed April 10, 2018. https://4thworldmovement.org/overcoming-poverty/poverty-myths/?gclid=CjwKCAjwwbHWBRBWEiwAMIV7E832xhnoovslGY88XfMA_RD3dbOMipCCUfxJTfw8wW11MYKfjC8OThoCdJoQAvD_BwE

    Deaton, Angus. “The U.S. Can No Longer Hide From Its Dep Poverty Problem”, www.nytimes.com, The New York Times, January 24, 2018. Accessed April 10, 2018. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/24/opinion/poverty-united-states.html

    Ganim, Carole. “Poverty Is Not The Enemy”, www.thehuffingtonpost.com, Huffington Post, January 15, 2014. Accessed April 10, 2018. https://www.huffingtonpost.com/carole-ganim/poverty-is-not-the-enemy_b_4595947.html

    Dreher, Rod. “When Poverty Is The Fault Of The Poor”, www.theamericanconservative.com, The American Conservative, August 4, 2014. Accessed April 10, 2018. http://www.theamericanconservative.com/dreher/poverty-the-fault-of-the-poor/

    Center For Poverty Research, “What Is The Current Poverty Rate In The United States?”, poverty.ucdavis.edu, University Of California, Davis, December 18, 2017. Accessed April 11, 2018. https://poverty.ucdavis.edu/faq/what-current-poverty-rate-united-states

    Nikitina, Arina. “The Hidden Psychology Behind “Poor” People’s Mindset”, www.arinanikitina.com, Breakthrough With Arina Nikitina. Accessed April 25, 2018. https://www.arinanikitina.com/the-hidden-psychology-behind-poor-peoples-mindset.html

Originally Written: May 7, 2018

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“For the Love of the Sun”, an Essay Devoted to the Life and Passions of Vincent van Gogh

92 million miles. That’s how far the sun is from the Earth. If the sun were any closer or farther away, we would be dead in about eight minutes. But nonetheless the sun has a way of capturing an audience (mostly on a particularly hot summer’s day). In art, the sun is often present. It represents light, joy, and even celebration. And for one famous artist, Vincent van Gogh, the sun aroused the ecstasy of his life.

    Vincent van Gogh (1853-1890) is known today as a famous artist. He is known most for his works Starry Night (1889) and The Potato Eaters (1885). But throughout his entire life he only sold one piece out of the close to nine hundred works that he created. Vincent spent his life in his sorrow and channeled that into his art. He didn’t just paint things, he felt everything while he painted. His constant growing depression and insanity furthered his drive to create his artwork and express all the things that were creating the ever unstable storm inside of him. Until, in 1890, he borrowed a revolver and shot himself in the stomach, lying against a tree in a meadow. “Misery will never end.” he had previously declared to his brother.

    Vincent hadn’t originally set out to be an artist when he began his adult life. Art had just been a hobby, introduced to him by his mother when he was only a child, sick in bed. He was a gentle, passionate, unsociable red-haired boy. He respected his father, who was a clergyman, and he held an inward affinity towards his mother. But no one was as close to Vincent as his brother, Theo. Theo sacrificed everything for his beloved brother. He used his money, his patience, his time, and his effort to help Vincent up again whenever he had fallen. As the eldest over five other siblings, Vincent’s parents constantly worried about him making his way in the world. They had arranged for him to go to the Hague where they had obtained him a post as a salesman at a branch in the Paris firm of Groupil through the influence of his father’s brother, who was also named Vincent. In the three years  that he worked there, Vincent became very clever at packing and unpacking boxes of books and pictures. When he was twenty, he was transferred to the London branch. While living there, he would constantly sketch in his free time and send his drawings to his mother and Theo. There were many opportunities to study art in London and Vincent soon began to develop his own preferences and tastes.

    Vincent’s first fall came from his landlady’s daughter, a beautiful young girl that constantly led him on while he fell for her and then crushing him when he learned that she was already engaged to another man. He became upset and temperamental with customers and bosses and was soon dismissed from their branch. He disliked all the artwork he created and instead constantly visited the English church and decided to devote his life to the poor.

    He had always wanted to be a preacher and to take care of the less fortunate. He began by going back to school to fill the gaps in his education. But fourteen months into studying, he gave up. Vincent just wasn’t up for the scholar’s life. So instead he became a preacher on his own account. The biggest problem was that Vincent was very bad at giving sermons. But, nonetheless, he kept on his evangelical mission. He gave everything he had to the poor and travelled from town to town in worn out clothing and he slept on the ground in a wooden hut. He constantly took care of sick and injured miners in Borinage.

    His father didn’t understand Vincent’s almost crazed religious zeal. But Vincent continued his journey and gradually his health grew dangerous. He ate bad food, slept outside, and was constantly around disease. He eventually began drawing again to help keep his peace of mind and, eventually, took refuge with his father. He struggled with his desire to be a preacher and his artistic tendencies. Finally, the art won him over and he abandoned his life as a missionary to begin sketching and painting again. His brother Theo supported his decision.

    When he was twenty-eight, another woman came into his life and he fell in love with her. The only downsides were that she was his cousin and that she did not love him back. Her name was Cornelia (Kee) Adriana Vos-Stricker and she was a recent widow left with an eight year old son. When Vincent professed his love for her and proposed marriage she replied with “Never, no, never”. In a letter to his brother Theo, Vincent wrote, “But now you will realize that I hope to leave no stone unturned that might bring me closer to her, and that is my intention: To go on loving her until in the end she loves me too.” His parents, aunt, and uncle did not take well to his immense affections and scolded him and rebuked him for it. But Vincent held steadfast, convinced that she was the one for him. “She, and no other.” He would constantly say. After many refusals and denial to even speak with her or see her, Vincent wrote to Theo, “Then, not at once, but very soon, I felt that love die within me; a void, an infinite void came in its stead. You know I believe in God, I did not doubt the power of love, but then I felt something like, ‘My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me,’ and everything became a blank. I thought, Have I been deceiving myself? … ‘O God, there is no God!’ That cold, terrible reception in Amsterdam was too much for me, my eyes are opened at last.” And he gave up on loving Cornelia and his first real bouts of mental illness had ensued.

    And so, alone, broken hearted, and mentally unstable, Vincent travelled to the Hague in Paris and remained there for two years. While there he met Clarisa (Sien) Maria Hoornik. As it’s practically in her last name, Sien was a prostitute. A pregnant prostitute. She was also a drunk, she smoked cigars, she spent her life in physical and moral sorrow, and she had a young daughter and soon a son. Nevertheless Vincent fell for her and took her and her children into his small studio home with him. She became his muse and he sketched her in one of his more famous pieces called Sorrow in which, at the bottom, he writes, “How can there be lonely, deserted women in the world?” Vincent got to live as if he finally had a family of his own for eighteen months before Theo came to the rescue for Vincent’s sake. Vincent had been spending all his time and money for Sien and her children and didn’t even buy food for himself. Theo encouraged Vincent to go to Drenthe to paint and Vincent did, ending the only domestic relationship he would ever have. Sien went back to prostitution, later married another man, and in 1904, threw herself into the Schelde river and drowned.

    Soon Vincent went back to his parents in Nuenen and set up his atelier in a church. He devoted all of his time to his artwork and was rapidly growing into his artistic maturity. His palette became lighter and his mood lifted when he went to practice in the Academy in Antwerp.  Once he had exhausted Antwerp, he and Theo moved in together. Vincent got to know many artists, most of them in their artistic prime, in 1886. But Vincent was always different. He had very strong opinions on art and he saw life in a way on one else could understand. Being partially mad did help with that a bit. Vincent absorbed, learned, and always held to his love of yellow and the sun. Paris had liberated and awakened his sensuality. “How wonderful the colour yellow is. It stands for the sun.” Vincent once said.

    “Oh the beautiful sun of midsummer! It beats upon my head, and I do not doubt that it makes one a little queer.” Wrote Vincent in Arles. He loved the colour yellow and there was no better example than the sun. He glorified the sun in his artwork, it was his greatest love of all. But, like his many female loves, the sun did not love him back. He was a fanatical worshipper of the sun and devoted himself to it nonetheless. In his piece The Night Cafe (1888) the lights hanging from the roof were like smaller versions of the sun, giving light to the night. Yellow flowers could also represent the sunshine to Vincent. Vase With Fourteen Flowers (1889) was like a vase of fourteen little suns for Vincent. It was like Vincent could feel the “soul” of flowers, his sister would say. The sun was a symbol of warmth, light, and happiness. In Enclosed Wheat Field With Reaper (1889) it can almost feel as if the warm morning sun is beating down on the neck of the admirer. The colour yellow helped Vincent express himself more in his work. At one point, he had even rented a house, painted it yellow, hung up pictures of sunflowers and named it “The House Of Friends”. His original idea was to have communal living between artists where they could all paint together and live happily. But only Ganguin would accept his invitation.

    Despite this happy period in his life, Vincent’s mental health was still diminishing. He was always searching for the answer to happiness. He thought it would be the sun, but the sun could not love him like he loved it. He thought it could be a woman. He wrote to Theo in 1881, “Then I thought to myself, I’d like to be with a woman. I can’t live without love, without a woman. I wouldn’t care a fig for life if there wasn’t something infinite, something deep, something real.” But later, in 1887, he wrote to his sister Willemien, “For my part, I still continually have the most impossible and highly unsuitable love affairs from which, as a rule, I emerge only with shame and disgrace.” He spent a lot of time in brothels and even cut off his ear and left it at one at three in the morning, assumingly for Sein. His friend Ganguin also had a taste of Vincent’s insanity. Vincent had been known to have thrown a glass at Ganguin’s head and, at one point, had threatened him with a razor. Vincent was soon after taken to a hospital where his mental health diminished him to hallucinations. Theo came to take care of him and a fortnight later Vincent had calmed down. But by then the inhabitants of Arles had a petition stating that Vincent was a madman and could not be left to himself again. He went back to the hospital and soon he checked himself into St. Remy, a mental asylum. He painted many amazing pieces in this time and he put his heart and soul into it. He felt peace for a while and had clarity of mind. But fresh crises of life pressed on him and he ended up swallowing a quantity of his paints. At his brother’s suggestion,  Vincent placed himself under the care of Dr. Gachet in Auvers-sur-Oise. Vincent began to show great attitude and health with his cheerful appearance. His time with Dr. Gachet was pleasant and Gachet was kind to him and complimented his art. Vincent painted many wonderful pieces in his time with Gachet and showed his amazing skill and technique.

    On July 27, 1890, Vincent borrowed a revolver. He claimed he wanted to shoot at crows. He went out into a field, leaned up against a tree trunk, and shot himself in the stomach. To know what was going on in his mind as he bled out would be to know and love another even though they have died too early. Maybe in his time at the hospital and with Gachet, Vincent had finally found what he had been searching for his whole life. Maybe he found it and it was enough and he could finally be released from his sorrow. He painted some of his best work in the six years before his death. Maybe, just maybe, Vincent had finally found happiness. Through a lifetime of sorrow and pain and disappointment and of constantly searching for the key to life, there’s a possibility he had. And I hope to God that he did.

    “For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.” -Vincent van Gogh

    Theo followed Vincent to the grave six months later and they are buried side by side in the little churchyard of Auver-sur-Oise. 

Sources:

Hughes, Robert. “The Portable Van Gogh”. New York: Universe Publishing, 2002.

Uhde, W. “Van Gogh”. Michigan: Borders Press, 1951.

“His Unrequited Loves”, https://www.vangoghmuseum.nl/en/stories/his-unrequited-loves

Sonya. “Vincent van Gogh and Cornelia (Kee) Adriana Vos-Stricker”, The Van Gogh Gallery. July 17, 2013. http://blog.vangoghgallery.com/index.php/en/2013/07/17/vincent-van-gogh-and-cornelia-kee-adriana-vos-stricker/

Wikipedia. “Sien (Van Gogh series)”. Last edited: April 14, 2018.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sien_(Van_Gogh_series)