stupidlilblurbs

[stupidlilblurbs]

Life's going... well-ish?? Gonna be tight on my bills this month and next month but I got a full time job (at my old job) in housing! Both my manager and I felt a little weird but happy about it. She bought breakfast and coffee for everyone too 'cause she's generous with her team. First time I've had starbucks in 7+ months haha but I didn't say that. I missed that spinach feta wrap. 😋

My bigoted trumper, married neighbor is apparently hitting on our new gay & happily taken neighbor?? Over dating apps and gay porn sites? What the hell is life sometimes?

I had the realization tonight that I don't have homework anymore. No tests to study for. Just work and general life stuff. I'm single. I'm not fostering at this time. Just me, my animals, and my bills. I can watch Netflix until midnight if I want. I can go to the bar (not right now because of covid but hypothetically) the night before work. I can go to that music festival (once everything opens up again) on my day/s off and not feel guilty because I have school in the morning! I'm free, for now. 😉

Mental health is doing okay. Started therapy. He called me out for avoiding my past and I have to tell myself my life's story from what I first to remember to now, before the next appointment, which is... daunting. There's a lot. And a lots not great. I didn't really want to spew my life's traumas to a stranger. And not all at once either. I remember things. Too many things. Always in the back of my mind. Lips locked shut. Brain screaming.

Zoloft is going well though. I'm on 100mg but I may ask to up it to 125mg. We'll see how I feel after a few weeks on the job and a few more therapy sessions.

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She's having an affair with her friend's husband who's half her age and I can't say shit because the situation is so fucking complicated. I hate that she told me. I hate that it's been going on for a year. I hate that I can't tell his wife. I hate that it would leave my disabled sibling without a huge support emotionally and legally if I blew this up. I hate myself for not being able to say anything. I hate cheaters. And I love her to fucking death but it's made me loathe parts of her. I am never going to be okay with it and I don't get why she doesn't understand. I don't care that he's her "best friend". I don't care that she feels loved by him. I don't care that he's the first in a long time. He was off limits and she still persued him.

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Negative emotional flashbacks are hard. Sometimes there just *that* much worse when they come from nowhere. I just had the pleasant memory of me (20 or 21 at the time), my step dad, and my brothers eating at a fast food joint. His coworker saw us and came over. My SD says "these are my son's x, y, and z!" then motioned to me as says " This is stupidlittleblurbs." That was the moment I realized that the man who had raised me since I was ten, who I was forced to call "dad" before I was ready, didn't love me as a daughter. It was devastating.

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Getting a B.A. degree in a healthcare field then realizing you don't want to work in healthcare but health and low paid office work are all you're qualified for is absolutely lit fam. Seriously, figure your shit out before you invest in a degree. I don't regret what I learned. I don't regret going to Uni or the people I've met. I regret not knowing enough about the field I picked. I regret the debt. i regret not knowing enough about what job hunting after grad with only a B.A. in my field would be like. I regret limiting my options without realizing *just* how much I was really limiting my options.

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why is everything so hard but not actually that hard just i cant do it

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I've been taking a Tumblr break and not gonna lie, it was... nice? I like Tumblr and I'll always have a soft spot for it but I'm starting to think it has helped my mental health decline just a bit.

On another note, I started 50mg of Zoloft on Monday. I went from crying multiple times daily to only having cried once AND I'm on my period?? For the first time in a long time I am hopeful that I am moving in the right direction for my depression, PTSD, and anxiety.

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Covid

Life during covid-19 has been so weird. I was job hunting after my undergrad degree when it hit and now it’s six months since I graduated & I’m still not working. I am well aware that nearly 25% of American citizens are also in my position but damn... I haven’t felt this useless and lazy since before I left my parents house for c.college. I haven’t felt this stagnant since depression was literally eating me alive. I’m not suicidal like I was back then but this whole experience has been triggering some deep rooted fears about inadequacy on top of my existing depression.  

On a positive note, my roommate and I are learning Excel (mostly for my benefit I must admit) to hopefully help us get an edge on the job market. It’s a lot to learn, a lot to take in, but it’s also interesting. I’m pretty decent with Word already so a lot of the more basic functions in Excel remind me of processes I already implement. Which, makes sense since they’re both Microsoft applications. 

Our main .goal is to move somewhere cooler- to the PNW to be specific- and we want to leave by May 2021. This means finding jobs and in my case, a job that can help pay off my loans while trying to build a savings! It’s going to be difficult but I really can’t stand the idea of living here for another two years. Four is longer than I ever thought I’d be here. Six would be unbearable. 

Don’t get me wrong. This place isn’t horrible. My best friend and a handful of other friends are here, there’s some beautiful hiking, & some good food but... that’s about it. It’s hot nine months out of the year, it hardly rains (both my roommate and I love the rain), there are hardly any jobs, we’re two hours from a big city one way and like four in the other, & if this place doesn’t feel like home to me after four years... it’s time to let this town go.

My bro’s have moved in with their dad who is getting a divorce. She-demon is looking at losing custody because she has refused any and all help that the agency has been trying to provide. They’re done trying to work with her and I can’t blame them. It’s sad but it’s what’s best for those boys. It really is. She’s narcissistic and too mentally ill to realize she has a problem. It's always someone else’s fault and it always will be with her. I plan to change my name nearly completely when I can afford to. I’ve never loved my name and it would be like cutting the last tie to her in a way. I’m nervous but excited.

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My late twenties are so weird (a personal rant).

By the time I realized just how competitive grad school was for my chosen field and how much I already had on my plate, I was told it was too late to transfer & that I also needed graduate school in order to make a living wage with my degree. But, grad school isn’t something that will likely be readily obtainable for me... It’s heartbreaking knowing I poured so much of myself into school during extremely traumatic times to try and better my life only to end up feeling like I wasted my time. My 3.0 isn’t even a bad GPA. It’s just not great either. :( I’ve finally graduated undergrad but I have no income to my name because the economy blew up while I was job hunting. Thanks Covid. Truthfully, I’ll be lucky if my salary clears 35K/yr with my undergrad degree and that’s if the world even goes “back to normal”. 

Despite never wanting kids of my own,  I’m once again parenting my three teenage brothers because they needed me. I spent my whole teenage-hood and early twenties being their parent but life had other plans for me. They’re great kids who’ve come so, so far in one year despite a lifetime of isolation and manipulation. I love them like I’ve never loved anyone else but now they’re getting ready for reunification with their “healthy” parent and I’ve been feeling like chopped liver in comparison. They’re just so darn happy and excited for any time they get with their bio parent. Poo poo to hanging out with big sis and grandma cause we’re booooring. ;___;

My friendships are all blowing up at once and I can’t tell if its me, them, time and distance, or a combo. Honestly it’s probably all of the above but knowing that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I’ve spent so much of my life utterly alone and the thought of going back to that is terrifying. Friendships are usually temporary, it’s rare to have friendships that last a lifetime. I know this too but to see years of effort slip through my fingers... ouch. My logical side and my emotional side are having a war that neither side will win.

Depression is kicking my ass. I’m pretty sure I’ve got ADHD  but I have shit insurance that gives you general teletherapy if you’re lucky so I don’t have a formal diagnosis. I strongly feel that I need CFT and/or DBT to work through the dumpster fire that is my brain. I WANT this therapy. Between poverty and fear, it’s been near impossible to take care of my mental health with a professional. Your girl is so tired of struggling but also can’t seem to find the light at the end of the dark tunnel.

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This lockdown has me trapped in my crowded apartment with little to do to keep my mind from wondering. I keep thinking about her. How she's been so hard to get over even though we were never together because I wanted to build a life with her. How I wanted to blossom as a person with her there besides me.

It's been hard without her. I miss her. The selfish part of me hates that I let her go again last month when she reached out. The logical part of me knows it was for the best because she had two clear chances to share any mutual feelings she may have had for me too and it's not like my feelings have gone away. I'd never felt this way about another person. I'm scared I won't find that spark again with someone else.

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i applied to work as a non-licensed hearing aid attendant and I’m trying not to get my hopes up but I really want an interview. I want to work in Audiology but sub-par grades due to life circumstances means grad school isn’t on the table for me without taking alternative routes. This could be my foot in the door...  

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Officially a university graduate

I got my B.A. diploma in the mail yesterday and I have a job interview tomorrow. Having a time right now but I have to keep reminding myself that the good times exist too! 

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I just watched The Good Place's The Answer and I realized I... have to let go. I severed the last social media tie. I love her and that's not going to change so I need to do what's best for myself and allow myself to move on completely. My heart hurts

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Sooooo I have senioritis really freaking bad and I have lost most of my motivation for studying. Somehow I just got got a solid B on a bio test that I *gasp* you guessed it, didn't study for. 🥴

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Somehow I've gone two months without realizing my psych teacher grades on a curve and... I got a MF A- on the test I didn't study for.. 😭

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I have a psych test tomorrow and I haven't studied. Fuck.

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I have a weird habit of drinking olive juice and my little brother saw me tonight. He told me it was disgusting so my grandmother drank olive juice in solidarity. She is not particularly fond of olives.

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who else just wants to go absolutely wild and bake some cookies with a pretty girl?? go nuclear and make some tea?? absolutely lose their fucking mind and curl up under a blanket??