sweetzyy

[sweetzyy]

[sweetzyy]

When you finally accept that there is nothing wrong with how you were made

You can stop running away from who you are now

A flower has no morals built in

It just grows and blooms

As you need to allow yourself to as well

I've never met a child that I thought we should all give up on

I wanted so badly for someone to look at me that way as little girl

And affirm that I didn't ruin everything just by existing

But I cannot wind back the hands of time

So instead I will have to be that for others

[sweetzyy]

If you fall through my hands when i try to hold you, if I feel the coolness of water passing through my fingers where I'd reached for your tangible warmth...

I would have known you. My hands would be wet. I would not have you in them. But I would have proof.

[sweetzyy]

To have freedom spit

In my face

A shopping mall

Built over resting places

I get sad around cemeteries

My mum says

It don't hurt if you can't see

Their faces

I miss playgrounds

And ignorance

And reading for the first time

I've made myself a habit

Of wanting for what's

No longer mine

I miss you

And your bad jokes

And your comforting nudges in the hallway

Painted my room today

I've warmed up to your favourite colour

So I keep it with me always

It's a thick red like on our uniform

And it's wraps me like ribbons

Lost the title of your best friend

Hoping I'd be branded forgiven

I miss me

In those tiny chairs

Tuning out the lesson

In favour of full volume paramore

I'm still trying to go back

But I don't belong there anymore

Just the cold wind

Reddening my nose

And Untouched on my ipod

I was never religious

But I'd try not to touch you

Somehow still afraid of god

I cannot be young again

I've squandered all it offered me

Now I'm an esoteric joke

And a hairclip lost between the backseats

I trimmed my own hair last weekend

Do you remember how you'd cut it for me

I miss your hands

And your advice

And your laugh like a melody

Sweet without having to try

I can't be in the same city as you

But I let myself share your sky

[sweetzyy]

I know.

There is an artistry to it

A method

A discipline

To a hatred so strong

For the flesh I'm encased in

I whisper into my own hands

As if my body will manifest it

Change everything you are and everything you were.

I know deep in my marrow

That I am a hateful man housed in a little girl

That I am the case in which my father left all his rage

And his disgust for women

And his despising of delicate things

And his rough clumsy hands

I know that I am a learned violence

An obedient dog

Clawing at myself

Never free from the cage of self loathing.

My father was a terrible man

This I know

A hateful, mean, untalented and ugly man

A man only soothed by harming others

A man filled and fueled by hate

Yet I feel close to him at times

Still a sobbing little 5 year old

Looking for his approval

Twisting myself to it

Hating myself so harshly

So we might have something in common.

[sweetzyy]

My mother is such a strange figure in my life if only for the fact that she has never changed. Since I was a little girl she's had the same views, same haircut, same way about her.

It's a familiarity that begins to rot you I fear, because I think she must want to change. I was always so afraid that I would never get better, that I would never stop hating or hurting myself and others. That, in a way, I would inherit her sadness. Her position almost.

And baffling as it is, now that I live alone I've realised that my mother doesn't want to be better. She has turned down every opportunity for change, she never wants to have more than she has or let go of what she's clawed on to. I think she must feel agonisingly comfortable. Like this pit of her own sadness and resentment is a just punishment.

I wonder if other daughters know what it's like to try desperately to extend a hand to someone trapped in a pit of despair, just to have that hand sliced into. To be told that you cannot extend help to people you don't think are beneath you.

"I am not beneath you, you are not better than me."

No. I think my mother must hate me, if only a little. My mother resents being pitied more than anything, being someone who needs help. I think that is why she must not like me.

I am hardly able to be responsible for my own life. I am unprepared and messy and directionless and I have no effort to hide such things from her.

She doesn't want to see it. She told me once while I was writhing in pain waiting for an ambulance she wouldn't call me that I make her feel like a bad mum. I am never sure it's not all my fault.

Is birth a curse, and is it unfixable. Sometimes I just wish I knew how to my my mother happy. I wish she liked the feeling of happiness.

But she is a pessimist through and through.

Gaps of happiness are distractions, they make things worse when you return to the misery, they are not sustainable.

I hope I never become my mother. Though it makes me sick to my stomach to pray for.

[sweetzyy]

Violent thrashing thing

Mothers maw stained with meat

I need somewhere to be safe

But I live in the reflections of your eyes

[sweetzyy]

I can't be a home for one to sleep in

When I reach out my hand

To pet the kind neighbourhood dog

He runs away

And my sweet older neighbour says

"He must be feeling off. He loves getting pets , and he loves everyone"

But I know that's not true

It's me

When I kissed a boy for the first time

I know I tasted bitter

That I held on too hard

That I am difficult to embrace

Clunky and strange

I asked him if it was good

And he said it was fine

That I am a good kisser

But I am not

I could not be with cracked lips

And sharp teeth

And the uncomfortability

Of spontaneity

Lovers are synonyms for liars in my life

Calling me soft and sweet

And nice

Pointing to a vague picture of kind

But my voice is a low growl

And I work with calloused hands

My hair is stiff and tangled

Not for running fingers through

I love you

I do

Because you like me anyway

You know I am not dainty and soft

And you like me anyway

[sweetzyy]

Girl made to interrupt

I'll never understand

Barely had fingerprints

When u burned em from

My hand

Bug flies into my cup

Sweetness never goes untainted

Like teen girl skin

Shouldn't be wasted untasted

I wouldn’t want to be a kid

If I could just forget

Wake up as someone

That you hadn't touched yet

Remove all of me

Im ready to bloodlet

If ill come out as someone

You hadn't touched yet

Memories made on the clearing

Nearing main North road

You know im scared of the dark

But I walk home alone

Your eyes made for leering

My body a home

Trapped under your porch light

I walk home alone

I wouldn't want reincarnation

If I'd been raised more headstrong

Maybe then I'd have a body

You had not laid your hands on

Never craving recuperation

If we had not got along

I wish I had skin

You had not laid your hands on

I never said no

I never said anything

Unfocused my eyes

And stared at your ceiling

I didn't know I would regret it

I wanted to want you

Isn't sex something

You do because you're supposed to

There's grass in my hair

And booze on my breath

Maybe the ability to give

Is all I have left

This is normal teen love

I'd never leave you frustrated

If only I had lips

You had never tasted

I would not wish

My skin could be vacated

If I had anatomy

You had never tasted.

[sweetzyy]

You are a storm outside

My flimsy rental walls

You are more than I want

And less than I deserve

Your love is both a violent hurricane

And a puddle too deep for my shallow shoes

I hide from your bursts of thunder like a child

Yet I find myself stepping into you

When your howling winds graze my skin

You scream how I told you once that I love summer showers

You make it seem like love is only ever a hurricane

Or a drought

Sometimes I do sit in your downpour

And allow myself to be covered

To feel sad

And melted into the road

But I often get a cold after

Seems I've harmed myself

As the cost of your embrace

[sweetzyy]

You're pouring out my mouth

Like the blood

From my tongue

When I bite down

Tell me to spit it out

And I'm drunk

My ugly heart's

Your problem now

[sweetzyy]

Only once had you melded to my heart

Like metal against the heat

Of your sweet flush

You knew I liked the stars

And telescopes

And love

To me you are a planet

Your pull I can't outrun

If you were my Saturn

Then I was your sun.

[sweetzyy]

What if I don't want to be the one who remembers, what if I don't want to mourn anymore

[sweetzyy]

I was raised an atheist, with a defiant disbelief to even the notion of a God. A notion beneath me. A being capable of ruling over me, as if I would ever concede the fight for independence. I am my own God.

But I have seen something holy nestled in the ribcage of a girl, I have let you change me and watched you be changed. To be God is to be loved by me, someone made to worship.

To betray my thoughts, for even a second of your touch. To burn it all at your request. I had never before felt something as whole as staring into your expanse.

We have never been on the same level when I woke a dog at your feet. Barking and begging to eat, to cannibalise and degrade everything I truly love.

Till it is as dismembered as I am. Till you are on my level. Till I have tasted human kindness on your skin and loves sickness on your lips.

Till I have been ruined and, in turn, become a thing that ruins. A monster on the hill.

Do I find you, and our teenage love affair, different from a god. Simply because your praise was never sung at my doorstep.

But I scream out your name in the night, a battle hymn. I am consumed in teen crush journals, and I have written your doctrine.

We're you God before I made you one, when all you did was wash the feet of I who was beneath you. Has your kindness to me swung so quickly to obsession, religiosity.

You must be more than human. You must be larger. I have so much love and a desire to place under your skin where it will not fit.

I am your cherished memory.

But you are everything.

[sweetzyy]

I have loved and loved and anguished

Over your attention and desire

To siphon off a fraction of your personhood

And make it mine

I have given and given and offered up my body

Met every challenge you require

Every feature of you memorised

Like you are an answer I must find

I have worked and worked and lost a part of myself in the process

The job pays so little I won't retire

As your lover, I am sacrificial

Placing myself upon a pike

I have given and given and given all that can be taken

To a boy I do not even like.

To a boy I do not even like.

[sweetzyy]

I despise the idea the I might grow old in your house

That I may leave my 20's lazily draped over your couch

That love is an intrusion

Someone sneaking up behind you while you google something embarrassing

Your mother opening your door loudly and abruptly while you have a boy over

Love is an interruption

And I get this sick twisted feeling

That I will marry you

That if you ask me

I will marry you

That I will spend mornings trying to sleep in while you are energised and alive

That you will hog the blankets and I will snore and we will both sleep annoyed and unsatisfied

That you will still get home from work as quick as you can and risk the speeding fine

And that I will make small talk just to hear your voice reply

I know

I know that love leaves no survivors

That if I grow old in your living room

I will not pass first

And darling you know im not easily spooked

A horror fanatic at heart I do not startle easy

But that is the scariest thing I can think of

That someday you will grow old

And wither

And fade

That you will make me watch

We all long for someone to live and die with

Someone to guide you through your night time routine one last time

To make your favourite food and buy your favourite wine

And be the one that holds the hand that drapes somewhere lost in the night

So unfortunately I can't be in love with you

Because I know, even though you will find it cosmically hilarious, I will outlive you

For all my sickness and suffering God gifted me I will live so long

So long it aches

I've watched fire burn my first home

I've watched my childhood dogs chest grow shallow on the vet table

So I do not want to watch you die

I love like a pet and when you are gone who's bed will I curl up on

How will I be excited for mail day when none of the letters have your name

You can't take mail day

I do not want to be the one who survives

I never thought I would let anyone do that to me, leave me a lonely old women

Everything I have ever loved I've left with scratches and bites

With signs that I loved them

That they were ripped from me not given up

I cannot beat death

I am the most amazing woman you will ever meet and I can do almost anything

But I cannot beat death

I hate games I can't cheat at

And you hate playing fair only to lose

So let's not play

Let's skip it all

Let's never fall in love

Not really

It sucks that I can't lie to you

No, I will read you the newspaper when I get home

And make you water the plants while I write

I will complain about how many events and plans you make

Then have a perfect night

And I'm not happy about it

But I will the the one that holds.

[sweetzyy]

You kiss me like I'm a ghost

Like I will fade before you fall

But I promise I love you like a dog

I think you watch my simple eyes knowingly

And await discovering my body on the road

You know me well

And how I love to chase what hurts me