sysventing

[sysventing]

I want to make proper system friends but I’m just. Afraid I guess? I keep thinking about joining a server one of my mutuals made but what if I stick out? What if I’m hated? What if the server dies really quickly and I joined for nothing?

I don’t know. I have so many “friends” on here but I don’t talk to most of them. I just want connections with other systems.

- 🐊🪽

[PT: Radqueers and anti-endos do not interact!]

[sysventing]

I love being a gatekeeper/caretaker. I love my host. I love our system. But at the same time, I am so fucking tired of it all. Nearly all of my existence has been cleaning up the host's (literal and figurative) messes. And it's not his fault, I don't blame him for what's going wrong in our life--but I hate how often I'm left to fix it. I hate that I feel this way, that I can't stop the resentment from building. He's good to me and we're working on letting me come out & indulge in my interests/life more, but it's hard. At the end of the day, I formed to do the things he's not up to. That's how it's going to be.

[PT: Radqueers and anti-endos do not interact!]

[sysventing]

Not a vent, but I am holding all of your hands. We’ll all get through this

Thank you, we will.

[sysventing]

im so fucking tired of seeing rqs EVERYWHERE I FUCKING GO endo safe tag?? BLOCKED TAG RQ SAFE POST trying to help fictives form and looking into the build a headmate tag?? ITS ALL RDQR BLOGS

like im already doing all i can to GET AWAY FROM THEM but its like theyre EVERYWHERE AND IT MAKES ME WANNA PUNCH SOMEONE

[PT: Radqueers and anti-endos do not interact!]

[sysventing]

I cant help but feel like we're faking all the time. Like this is just some fantasy we've conjured up in our head, all just because of how our system works.

When near other people, we all end up acting the same. Theres very little variation between how we react to the people around us. Theres more when we're alone, I think. And I know thisncould be explained by saying it's masking, but it still makes me feel like we're faking.

We can't hear each other very well and we don't really have a headspace. Due to aphantasia, we've found it next to impossible to develop a headspace, and it's not even that we simply can't see it. It's just not there. And a lot of the time, our thoughts can only be heard if we're fronting. And even then, our inner voice doesn't really sound different between most headmates.

We have few amnesia barriers (although shifty memory all the same) and tend to switch incredibly covertly--where it's sort of a blend between headmates until we realize what's changed. We've only had one truly overt switch in our life.

All of our headmates are fictives currently. Theres so much out there about fictive heavy systems and how they're valid, but it doesn't change the fact that I still take it as a reason were faking. Especially because most of us are like. Characters we like. We haven't really formed any characters we didn't have a connection to in their source.

Not to mention the way our system works. New headmatss form and old ones disappear. We never stick around permanently. Everyone vanishes at some point. But I already went into detail on that. But it could easily be explained by us simply getting an attachment to a character for a while and then moving on, and not truly a fictive situation.

Augh. It's just a pain. Why can't I just be the system I want to be, in the ways I want to be, without doubting myself

-🌼🍁

[PT: Radqueers and anti-endos do not interact!]

[sysventing]

I'm a little and I saw a Discord server being advertised which is completely SFW, and my caretaker was really happy to see that because it meant I could be in it unsupervised, but after I joined and looked at the rules, we realized I'm not allowed in there :(

The rules say that everyone, even system littles, have to be 13 or older because of Discord rules

Which was really upsetting because it looked fun! :(

I get that some people view syskids/littles as actual legal children, but why can't they let our caretakers decide for us? Especially in servers that won't have any adult things :(

Hey, if you want you can check out the Syskid Playplace community here on tumblr. It’s not a discord server but it might fit your needs.

[PT: Radqueers and anti-endos do not interact!]

[sysventing]

hey big update. i (Natasha) and Syntax have decided we dont want to keep running our pro endo court blogs @princessofendos and @dragonofendos anymore since we lost interest to keep posting...

Alaska isnt here to have a say in its pro endo court blog @blackwolfofendos so for now we're muting notifications on those two blogs

and as for the pro endo court member list, we're still debating who to hand over to. we originally wanted to just it be an open question and have people apply to want to have it but thats too big a risk. its gotta be someone we can trust. so as of right now we still havent decided yet

so sorry guys we lost interest in the pro endo court community, but we will forever be pro endo <3

-Natasha/Angel (the princess) and Syntax (the dragon)

[sysventing]

I fucking hate being an abuser introject. I've existed for maybe a day or two and I already feel so fucking disgusted with myself.

On one hand, it makes sense why the system is a bit nervous around me, and frankly they're doing an incredibly good job of being kind and welcoming. Even Marlin, who was primarily victimized by... "me", he's the sweetest thing. Even Nightshade looks out for me. We don't abuse persecutors here.

But on the other hand I have so much to unlearn and I feel so fucking guilty about it. By all means, I am an abuser. And yeah, I can change this. And sure, I'm not responsible for my source's actions as long as I don't support them. But fuck I feel so fucking sick, I hate this. Fuck you Reshi for what you did, what you turned me into.

~ Southerner

[PT: Radqueers and anti-endos do not interact!]

[sysventing]

Doing a little promo for a blog we just made!

Are you (pro) endogenic?

Let’s talk about it!

This blog was started by the same system who runs @sysventing in an effort to show the community how endogenic systems are appreciated here.

Just send in your asks starting with “I’m/we’re/etc pro (origin) because” and tell us why. Personal anecdotes, research, stories and all are accepted!

There are only a few submission rules:

No syscourse asks! Anything against any origin will be deleted and you will be blocked. This is not the blog for syscourse!

No anti-endo, anti-tulpa, sysmeds or anyone who’s against any system origin! This blog is for all plurals to talk about how we appreciate non-traumagenics.

Asks don’t have to be specifically endogenic, but please don’t make them exclusively about traumagenic systems! Mixed-origin asks are welcome.

Don’t vent in our ask box! All plurality-related vent asks may be sent to @sysventing.

We will only add more rules if we feel like we have to, but for now this is it!

And a little about the blog (and system who runs it)

This blog is pro-all origins. Traumagenic, endogenic, tulpa, willogenic, spontaneous, anything. The blog’s focus is endogenic (non-traumagenic) systems.

This blog is run by a mixed-origins traumabased DID system.

Mods/alters use the same signoffs as on the venting blog (plus more for the alters who can’t handle the vent blog)

This blog will also run on the same queue schedule as the venting blog; 5 posts per day between noon and midnight.

We all know endogenic systems could use more positivity and acceptance. Let’s show them how appreciated they are.

[PT: Radqueers and anti-endos do not interact!]

[sysventing]

I feel bad for wanting more of a system. We don't really have anything plural going on besides slight personality changes occasionally. There's no sentient alters that switch in all the time, it's just me and my occasional personality shifts. I want to be more plural, I want sentient people in my head that actually do things, but I feel that saying this is romanticising the experience of those who suffer with it?? I just want to form right but I can't even do that because I'd be putting on an act that others hurt themselves over.

[PT: Radqueers and anti-endos do not interact!]

[sysventing]

Okay so backstory: we’ve never been that good at gauging our hunger level because of autism but we managed to learn somewhat over time. THAT WAS until we started a certain meds that just. Completely demolished any hint of our appetite. It was really fucking difficult to bounce from that because we couldn’t tell when we wanted to eat or what we wanted to eat. The only thing that ever helped against this was a certain alter (B). Even back then, B didn’t front much, so I treasured every moment of them being around.

They’ve fronted twice in the last two months because of a class we’re in that positively triggers. They used to front more because of the same trigger. I just. Feel like shit I don’t know. I kinda got it in my head that they’re going dormant and they tried to reassure me that they’re not, they’re just busy with inner world stuff but. It still feels bad. I want to feel normal. I want to be able to know when to eat at any time. I don’t wanna have to relie on habit to eat. I just want some normality. Please.

- 🐊🪽

[PT: Radqueers and anti-endos do not interact!]

[sysventing]

Made a few system friends on discord but our paranoia holder is telling us they’re all just pretending to like us and secretly making fun of us in anti endo servers. It’s happened before.

We vented about it and got told by the mods of a server that we aren’t allowed to vent about other people. They’re not even in the same server.

[PT: Radqueers and anti-endos do not interact!]

[sysventing]

This is something that happened a while back but I’m still mad about it. The first time we got fakeclaimed, the person heavily implied that our girlfriend (who is part of a system), groomed us into believing we’re a system. They said in a public discord. And received zero punishment for it. Genuinely what the actual fuck goes on in people’s brain to think that’s an ok thing to do or say.

[PT: Radqueers and anti-endos do not interact!]

[sysventing]

I wish that so much of the system/did/plural content wasn’t so discourse oriented. It’s so fucking frustrating because we already feel alienated due to having this disorder, we don’t want to feel MORE alienated for.. HAVING THIS DISORDER?!?!

I can barely interact with traumagenic communities because they always make it the most toxic of comments/opinion pieces on SOMEONE ELSE’S plurality rather than discussing what it is like for them.

I feel safer in endogenic communities, but then I don’t relate at all and can’t feel any connections to that experience.

I’m so tired of useless discourse that doesn’t contribute to progress. I’m tired of people who devote their energy, time, and effort into being ugly and vicious to anyone around them. I’m fucking tired of it.

Wake up call to the system community:

These labels don’t fucking matter. They aren’t a real world problem, and they aren’t going to contribute to the world. You will always been seen as a “weirdo” who is “mentally ill and cant function properly in society” by people who don’t experience this.

No, people will not pat you on the back for fighting this fabricated war against one another. No, you will not gain anything from being violent towards other people.

You just have to sit, years down the line, realizing how fucking pointless your discourse really was. It happened in ace discourse, it happened in trans discourse, and it will happen to this stupid shit.

But go on. Go ahead and make an account just to debate and debunk someone else’s identity. I’m sure you are gonna go so far with it and gain so much validation through bullying others.

-🌹🌿

[PT: Radqueers and anti-endos do not interact!]

[sysventing]

Every little thing we find out about our system makes us feel more and more fake.

Not that we genuinely view any traits we have as “signs of faking,” but definitely other people do.

The amount of alters we have, the fact that we even have sidesystems at all, how many subsystems we have, how many introjects we have, how many of us are the same person copied over and over.

And none of those traits mean someone is faking! In fact it more likely points to extreme trauma, even (or especially) if we don’t remember most of it. But according to some, it does mean we’re faking it.

Being plural is the tits. Having a dissociative disorder? Not so much. And yet everything about us that’s disordered is “actually” signs of faking according to certain people.

Non-mod Alter 🪻

[PT: Radqueers and anti-endos do not interact!]

[sysventing]

can syscourse unaligned people interact? i think origincourse harms people so i typically stay out of it but a lot of people think i'm anti-endo (i'm not)

Yeah as long as you’re not against endogenic/non-traumagenic systems existing we don’t mind

[sysventing]

I hate one member of a subsystem we have

I absolutely hate her

I have the right to hate her

Because she's a total bitch

She hurts me

Mentally

And physically..

she just did harm to the body

Why is she like that? I have no idea.

She comes up whenever I'm at my lowest and seems to be concentrated on hurting me. If others are also hurt it was just "easier that way"

~🌌🕳️ from 🌑🍄 sys. I hope I did sign myself off last time

[PT: Radqueers and anti-endos do not interact!]