t0xic-bch

[t0xic-bch]

I'm not sitting back anymore.

I am not going to sit and wallow about what I could be... And start becoming it.

I cannot allow myself to keep suffering like this.

Time to GET UP and DO THE THING.

[t0xic-bch]

Chapter 2

     The morning came too soon, I groaned loudly as my alarm blared. I was not a morning person, and truthfully, I wasn't a school person. I was nowhere near as smart as Bella. A knock on the door, "come on Haidyn. Rise and shine." I glared at my door. She knows she does not have to parent me, right? I pulled on a pair of dark blue jeans, a plain black t-shirt, and my black converse. I'm feeling emo as hell, don't judge me.

     We pulled into the parking lot and stopped at the front office. Bella sighed heavily and fidgeted with her fingers.

     "Do you want help finding your classes?" I asked,

     "No thanks," she laughed under her breath. "A sophomore showing me around is almost as embarrassing as being the new student."

     I raised an eyebrow, "geez, Bella. You think they don't all know we're siblings?" I gave her the dirtiest look I could muster at 7:30 in the morning. I grabbed my backpack and hopped out of the truck.

     "Haidyn that's no-." I slammed the door shut before she could continue speaking. I held back tears as I made my way to my first class. I know she was about to say 'that's not what I meant'. Yet, she'd been treating me like a pest since she arrived. Like we didn't giggle and laugh over everything under the moon just a couple short years ago.

     Finally time for lunch, I made my way through the salad bar. I wasn't really too hungry, and honestly I just wanted to go home. After getting a few carrots, I walked over to my normal table. Purposely passing by Bella and what I assumed to be her classmates. I witnessed Tyler Crowley kiss Bella on the cheek, and run away. Mike what's his face chasing after him.

     A voice appeared next to me, "what are you staring at?"

     I almost jumped out of my seat. I whipped around and glared at the culprit while gripping my chest, "Bailey! Christ! I know you're immortal, but I'm not!" Her laugh carried through the cafeteria, causing Bella and a few others to look in our direction. I grabbed her arm and pulled her down to the chair to my right. Her ice cold skin almost burned my hands.

     I groaned, just as I was about to tell her all about yesterday and this morning. Her siblings walked into the lunch room one by one. Well, couple by couple. Alice and Jasper were first. Then Emmett and Rosalie. Finally, Edward. Rosalie made a face as soon as she saw me, everyone else smiled and greeted me.

     "Why do we let her sit with us, exactly," Rosalie snarked under her breath.

     "Just to personally irritate you, Rose." My tone was sweet and innocent. Edward and Bailey cackled, while everyone else just quietly smiled and shook their heads. I turned back to Bailey, "anyways." I told her about Bella being a bitch, and Jacob almost drooling over her.

     "I told you, nothing but a dog," Bailey said, picking at the food in front of her but never actually eating it.

     I rolled my eyes hard, "you're right. We should just be together instead." I tried to pull her in to give her a bunch of little kisses on her cheek but she instantly blocked me. A fit of giggles, when I noticed Edward staring across the cafeteria. I followed his gaze and immediately groaned. Bella was staring back.

     "Not you, too!". I exclaimed, he looked away from Bella.

     "I can't hear her thoughts," he sounded as perplexed as he looked. I looked back at Bella, who quickly looked away once I caught her staring again.

     The rest of the school day went by quickly. Especially after getting to vent about Bella. I was out in the parking lot with Bailey and the rest of the Cullen's.

     "Pleaseeeee come over. You know I hate sitting at the house alone and Bella doesn't help," I held my hand out in front of me in a pleading stance. I pouted out my lower lip and widened my eyes.

     "I can't, I'm sorry," she said then leaned in to whisper in my ear. "We have to go hunt today." I sighed. Couldn't argue with that. I heard the roar of Bella's truck and looked up to see her sitting there staring. Waving at me to come on. I said my goodbyes and got in the truck. I stared out the window.

     "I'm going to drop you off, I told Charlie I'd go to the store today," Bella said as we pulled out of the school parking lot. I stayed silent. "Haidyn, come on. You know that isn't what I meant."

     "Okay, Isabella," I snapped, she glared at me over the use of her full name. The rest of the ten minute ride was silent. The truck finally pulled up in front of the house, I got out and shut the door without looking back. I unlocked the front door and walked in. Bella didn't drive off until I shut the door. I looked around the empty house and sighed. I brought my backpack in the living room and began setting up to do my homework for the night.

     I was an hour into homework and watching Grey's Anatomy reruns when the phone started ringing. Hell, I need a snack anyways. I walked into the kitchen and answered the phone before searching through the cabinets.

     "Hello," I asked while I moved from the cabinets to the fridge.

     "Haidyn! Come hang out!" Jake's voice boomed and I smiled.

     "You come hang out here, I don't have a ride," I replied. "Dad isn't here and Bella went to the store."

     "Awe man. Okay, hang on," distant voices were heard in the background. "Dad and I are coming to get you. Dad is going to call Charlie to let him know. We'll be there soon."

     I was smiling so big my cheeks hurt, "can't wait." We said goodbye. As soon as the phone was back on the receiver, I ran upstairs to change my clothes.

     My bed was now covered in clothes. I had finally settled on a plain black crop top with light wash skinny jeans, and my trusty pair of black converse. I carefully and quickly put on eyeliner and mascara before going back downstairs to wait on the couch.

     A few minutes later, a knock on the front door. I smiled when I got up to open it and Jacob was smiling back at me

Upside Down - Chapter One

     I patiently waited on the couch, carefully listening for the sound of dad's police cruiser. Dad and Bella should be pulling up any minute now. My nerves were high, I'd admit. Bella and I haven't seen each other in over two years. After she demanded to stop coming to Forks for the summer, I begged to move in with dad. I loved Forks. Rain and all.

     As my mind wandered, I absent mindedly twisted a strand of my long black hair. Memories of when we were inseparable took over my thoughts. Bonding over complaining about Renee, mostly. Until she chose Renee over me.

     The sound of tires on gravel, the images fell away one by one as I smiled. I walked quickly to the front door and swung it open. After I stepped outside, the excitement died. She was good at hiding her feelings, from everyone but me.

     The look of disgust was written all over her face. I hesitated, is she even the least bit excited to see ME? Even a little bit?

     "Bells!" I exclaimed, but I calmly walked over. I couldn't hide my smile as I wrapped my arms around her and gave a small squeeze.

     "Hey Haidyn," she barely squeezed back before quickly pulling away. Right. No affection. So much like Dad, so in denial over it.

     "Haidyn, give your old man a hand, would you?" Dad requested, handing me one of Bella's suitcases before I could say yes or no. I took the suitcase and began heading into the house. Not another word was spoken until we got to Bella's room. I wasn't really paying attention as I set the bag down on her bed.

     "I hope you like purple," Dad said. This was so awkward.

     "Purple's cool," Bella responded. I rolled my eyes, smooth. The house phone started ringing and I silently thanked whatever force timed it.

      "I'll get it," I said a little too quickly before I ran downstairs and picked up the phone in the kitchen. "Hello?"

     "Haidyn! Good to hear your voice," a deep voice I've come to recognize well.

     "Ah Billy, same goes to you," I smiled.

     "Has Bella arrived yet?" He asked.

     "Yes, they just got here about ten minutes ago. Want me to tell him to give you a call?"

     "That'd be just fine... Jake wants to know if you'll be there when we bring the truck by." My heart fluttered, and a faint 'Dad!' was heard in the background.

     I laughed out loud, "yes, I will be here."

     "See you later, Haidyn." Billy said, we exchanged quick goodbyes and hung up. The smile I was wearing stuck to my face. I moved from the kitchen to sit on the couch and continue 'watching' TV.

     Dad finally came down the stairs, and I told him to call Billy.

     "I will once I get to the station," a guilty look upon my face falling a little. "Sorry, kiddo. I need to -."

     "It's fine, Dad. Go be the chief." I planted a smile on my face, and kept it there until he was out the door. I let out a long, deep sigh. I spent the next hour watching TV, some medical show was playing and it really had my interest. I waited for Bella to come downstairs herself. Would hate to spook her from talking too much.

     As if on cue, I could hear her soft steps coming down the stairs. I waited in my seat. She appeared into the living room, and sat on the couch on the other side from me. She watched the TV for a moment before she spoke.

     "Did Charlie say what time he would be home," she asked. I cringed.

     "No, he didn't," I answered shortly, "why? Are you lost?" I giggled at my own joke and Bella didn't even crack a smile. Geez.

     "Jesus, Bella, did your soul die once you stepped on Washington soil?" I was being a smart ass, but I was also just kidding. Her look turned sour.

     "Yeah, Haidyn, it kind of did. I miss the sun already. I miss Mom, MY room. How can you stand the rain?" She ranted and looked over at me. Her arms were crossed while she waited for me to answer.

     "How can you stand to feel like you're burning alive all the time?" I shot back. She nodded, and we continued to watch TV silently.

    

     An hour had passed in silence, aside from the TV. I was so zoned out, I didn't even notice Bella had gone back upstairs when I heard a door slam outside. I stood up and walked to one of the windows and peaked out. I quickly closed the curtain back after I saw Jake standing out there with Dad and Billy. My smile could not be tamed. Bella had come down the stairs, and I followed her out the front door.

     Jacob and Billy greeted us both, I walked over to Billy and gave him a big hug before walking back over to Jake.

      "We used to make mud pies," Jake said, with a huge grin on his face. It took every fiber of my being not to roll my eyes. What a charmer, "hey Haidyn."

     "Hey Jake," I smiled back at him.

     "You like the new truck? Well, new to me," Bella chimed in.

     "Yeah it's great," I responded.

     They stayed for a few more hours, saying goodbye as the sun began to set. Dad, Bella, and I went inside. I quickly fixed myself a bowl of cereal and made my way up to my dungeon. I mean, room.

     As soon as I was sat down at my computer, a knock sounded at the door. I tried not to groan, "come in."

     Bella appeared in the doorway. She crossed her arms as she leaned against the doorway. She hesitated before saying, "do you need a ride to school in the morning?"

     I smiled wide, "yes that'd be great." She nodded and left the room. 'Maybe she doesn't hate me'. The thought kept a smile on my face up until the moment I fell asleep.

[t0xic-bch]

Upside Down - Chapter One

     I patiently waited on the couch, carefully listening for the sound of dad's police cruiser. Dad and Bella should be pulling up any minute now. My nerves were high, I'd admit. Bella and I haven't seen each other in over two years. After she demanded to stop coming to Forks for the summer, I begged to move in with dad. I loved Forks. Rain and all.

     As my mind wandered, I absent mindedly twisted a strand of my long black hair. Memories of when we were inseparable took over my thoughts. Bonding over complaining about Renee, mostly. Until she chose Renee over me.

     The sound of tires on gravel, the images fell away one by one as I smiled. I walked quickly to the front door and swung it open. After I stepped outside, the excitement died. She was good at hiding her feelings, from everyone but me.

     The look of disgust was written all over her face. I hesitated, is she even the least bit excited to see ME? Even a little bit?

     "Bells!" I exclaimed, but I calmly walked over. I couldn't hide my smile as I wrapped my arms around her and gave a small squeeze.

     "Hey Haidyn," she barely squeezed back before quickly pulling away. Right. No affection. So much like Dad, so in denial over it.

     "Haidyn, give your old man a hand, would you?" Dad requested, handing me one of Bella's suitcases before I could say yes or no. I took the suitcase and began heading into the house. Not another word was spoken until we got to Bella's room. I wasn't really paying attention as I set the bag down on her bed.

     "I hope you like purple," Dad said. This was so awkward.

     "Purple's cool," Bella responded. I rolled my eyes, smooth. The house phone started ringing and I silently thanked whatever force timed it.

      "I'll get it," I said a little too quickly before I ran downstairs and picked up the phone in the kitchen. "Hello?"

     "Haidyn! Good to hear your voice," a deep voice I've come to recognize well.

     "Ah Billy, same goes to you," I smiled.

     "Has Bella arrived yet?" He asked.

     "Yes, they just got here about ten minutes ago. Want me to tell him to give you a call?"

     "That'd be just fine... Jake wants to know if you'll be there when we bring the truck by." My heart fluttered, and a faint 'Dad!' was heard in the background.

     I laughed out loud, "yes, I will be here."

     "See you later, Haidyn." Billy said, we exchanged quick goodbyes and hung up. The smile I was wearing stuck to my face. I moved from the kitchen to sit on the couch and continue 'watching' TV.

     Dad finally came down the stairs, and I told him to call Billy.

     "I will once I get to the station," a guilty look upon my face falling a little. "Sorry, kiddo. I need to -."

     "It's fine, Dad. Go be the chief." I planted a smile on my face, and kept it there until he was out the door. I let out a long, deep sigh. I spent the next hour watching TV, some medical show was playing and it really had my interest. I waited for Bella to come downstairs herself. Would hate to spook her from talking too much.

     As if on cue, I could hear her soft steps coming down the stairs. I waited in my seat. She appeared into the living room, and sat on the couch on the other side from me. She watched the TV for a moment before she spoke.

     "Did Charlie say what time he would be home," she asked. I cringed.

     "No, he didn't," I answered shortly, "why? Are you lost?" I giggled at my own joke and Bella didn't even crack a smile. Geez.

     "Jesus, Bella, did your soul die once you stepped on Washington soil?" I was being a smart ass, but I was also just kidding. Her look turned sour.

     "Yeah, Haidyn, it kind of did. I miss the sun already. I miss Mom, MY room. How can you stand the rain?" She ranted and looked over at me. Her arms were crossed while she waited for me to answer.

     "How can you stand to feel like you're burning alive all the time?" I shot back. She nodded, and we continued to watch TV silently.

    

     An hour had passed in silence, aside from the TV. I was so zoned out, I didn't even notice Bella had gone back upstairs when I heard a door slam outside. I stood up and walked to one of the windows and peaked out. I quickly closed the curtain back after I saw Jake standing out there with Dad and Billy. My smile could not be tamed. Bella had come down the stairs, and I followed her out the front door.

     Jacob and Billy greeted us both, I walked over to Billy and gave him a big hug before walking back over to Jake.

      "We used to make mud pies," Jake said, with a huge grin on his face. It took every fiber of my being not to roll my eyes. What a charmer, "hey Haidyn."

     "Hey Jake," I smiled back at him.

     "You like the new truck? Well, new to me," Bella chimed in.

     "Yeah it's great," I responded.

     They stayed for a few more hours, saying goodbye as the sun began to set. Dad, Bella, and I went inside. I quickly fixed myself a bowl of cereal and made my way up to my dungeon. I mean, room.

     As soon as I was sat down at my computer, a knock sounded at the door. I tried not to groan, "come in."

     Bella appeared in the doorway. She crossed her arms as she leaned against the doorway. She hesitated before saying, "do you need a ride to school in the morning?"

     I smiled wide, "yes that'd be great." She nodded and left the room. 'Maybe she doesn't hate me'. The thought kept a smile on my face up until the moment I fell asleep.

[t0xic-bch]

Hi, I started a fanfiction. It's nothing serious, but it is good practice.

[t0xic-bch]

I should definitely start doing #1. Because this actually makes sense haha.

the ADHD writer's guide to actually finishing a draft (no, seriously) 📝

okay, tumblr, writers... we need to TALK about how to actually finish a damn draft when your executive functioning decided to pack its bags and leave for a permanent vacation in the bahamas.

i'm not here to give you that basic "just set a timer!" advice that makes me want to throw my laptop into the sun. we all know those productivity hacks that work for neurotypicals make us want to scream into the void. (been there, screamed that.)

so here's the ACTUAL guide from someone who's written three novels while her brain was actively trying to sabotage her the entire time.

FIRST: accept that linear writing is a capitalist construct designed to torture us.

i'm serious. whoever decided writers should start at chapter 1 and proceed neatly to THE END clearly didn't have dopamine playing hide-and-seek in their prefrontal cortex.

write whatever scene has your brain chemicals SINGING today. that climactic fight scene that's six chapters away? the tender moment between your characters that happens in the middle? WRITE IT NOW while your brain is actually interested. i have finished entire novels by writing them in chunks and stitching them together like the beautiful frankenstein's monster they are.

SECOND: the 10-minute lie (that actually works???)

tell yourself you're only going to write for 10 minutes. that's it. no pressure. your adhd brain can handle anything for 10 minutes, right? the secret is that once you start, momentum becomes your best friend. sometimes you'll actually stop at 10 minutes (congrats, you still wrote something!) but often you'll look up and realize it's been two hours and you've written 2,000 words. and yes i've seen this a lot, like everywhere, where they tell you "set a timer for 5, and by the time you realize it's 2 hours" i've seen this many times before, and it actually works. at first i thought it didn't but boy, i was wrong.

THIRD: use your hyperfixation powers for good, not evil.

we all know that adhd comes with the superpower of becoming obsessed with random things for unpredictable amounts of time. WEAPONIZE THIS. create artificial urgency around your project. tell people about your deadline. make elaborate aesthetic pinterest boards. create a spotify playlist that you only listen to while writing this specific project. trick your brain into making your WIP the shiny new hyperfixation.

FOURTH: body-doubling saved my writing career and it can save yours too.

find another writer friend (or any friend who needs to do focused work) and sit together - virtually or physically - while you both work. something about having another human witnessing your work process bypasses the executive dysfunction. i swear it's actual magic. discord writing sprints, zoom sessions with cameras off but mics on - whatever works.

FIFTH: embrace the chaos of your natural writing cycle.

some days you'll write 5,000 words in a frenzy at 3am. other days you'll stare at the document for an hour and write "the." BOTH ARE VALID WRITING DAYS. the only consistency we need is returning to the document, not some arbitrary daily word count.

SIXTH: create external accountability that doesn't make you want to die.

deadlines from publishers? great. deadlines you set for yourself? your brain laughs and says "or what?" find the sweet spot - maybe it's a writing buddy you check in with, maybe it's a public progress tracker, maybe it's promising your sister you'll take her to dinner when you finish a chapter.

SEVENTH: the frankendraft approach.

your first draft DOES NOT need to be good, coherent, or even make sense. it just needs to exist. leave yourself notes like [FIGURE OUT HOW SHE GETS FROM THE CASTLE TO THE BEACH LATER] and keep moving. your adhd brain will thank you for not getting stuck in research rabbit holes for six hours.

EIGHTH: find your optimal writing environment through shameless trial and error.

maybe you need complete silence. maybe you need to be in a coffee shop with specific ambient noise. maybe you need to write standing up. maybe you need to dictate your novel while pacing around your apartment. there is no wrong way to get the words out.

i personally write best when i'm slightly uncomfortable (weird, i know) so i often end up writing while sitting on my kitchen floor with my laptop balanced on a chair. whatever works, bestie. a finished messy draft is infinitely more valuable than the perfect novel still trapped in your head. your adhd brain is simultaneously your greatest challenge and your greatest asset as a writer. the connections you make, the unique perspectives, the creativity - all of that comes from the same place as the struggles.

you've got this. now go write something, even if it's just for 10 minutes. i believe in you. ✨ -rin t.

[t0xic-bch]

Finally do not feel alone in this 😅

how non-writers think writing works: creating a detailed outline and plan, writing each section carefully and weaving in all the different story threads like a master creator, expertly creating a masterpiece with care and precision

how writing actually works: daydreaming that one scene, creating a half-formed plot in a daze all around it, swearing at characters that don't magic themselves into existence, becoming absolutely obsessed with the story for a solid week, it becomes your entire life, you sit down open a blank word document and write approximately two and a half chapters, lose interest, daydream an entirely new idea for a new story, rinse and repeat

[t0xic-bch]

I really need to learn that I am not a reliable narrator/speaker for myself bc I’ll write down my WIP using a lot of abbreviations I just made up bc “I’ll know what I meant” no you won’t that’s a lie don’t fall for it!

But I always do

So now I’m rereading notes for my novel and every now and then I go “what the hell was that supposed to mean” or “wait what’s that word?” and “so who’s saying what here?” and “what the hell was the context for that scene?!”

I saw a note saying just “that conversation with the bartender” except I have no idea what bartender was I talking about much less what the conversation was about

And at one point in my notes I mention “F’s gf” as a person my main character is having a convo with and the convo is written down which would be great, except… I don’t remember who the hell is F…

[t0xic-bch]

I didn't ask to be here.

I didn't ask to have mental health issues.

I didn't ask to struggle for 27, going on 28 years.

I'm tired.

I'm SO tired.

[t0xic-bch]

Reminders for fanfic writers who think it “doesn’t count”

✦ Your writing counts. like, a lot. If someone felt something because of what you wrote, then it matters. That scene you almost didn’t post? Yeah. Believe me, someone out there bookmarked it for a reason.

✦ Writing existing characters doesn’t make it “less than.” You’re building arcs, crafting dialogue, emotion, pacing. You’re studying character psychology like a scientist. That’s not “just fanfic,” that’s storytelling.

✦ “but it’s just fanfic” ...no. STOP, it’s craft. It’s understanding tone. It’s hitting emotional beats. It’s layering theme and backstory and prose into something people feel. You’re doing the work, you just don’t get graded on it. (Which, honestly is a blessing.)

✦ Writing fanfic means you love stories enough to live inside them. You care, deeply. You care enough to reimagine, to explore, to add something of yourself to a world you didn’t create and somehow still make it feel brand new.

✦ Someone out there rereads your fic like it’s their favorite book. Maybe they’ve saved a line to their notes app,or they quote it to a friend. Maybe they just think about it when they’re having a bad day. That little fic you almost deleted, it’s comfort now.

✦ Your comments section is real. Every “I needed this” and “this made me cry in a good way” is proof, you don’t need a book deal to matter. You don’t need a publisher to have an impact, because you already do.

FANFIC IS WRITING! Fanfic is yours.

You’re not “just” anything. You’re a writer, own it. Be proud of that.

[t0xic-bch]

I'm writing short stories about my life for the past few years.

All stories will be attached to a song from

The Tortured Poets Department album by Taylor Swift. Currently working on Fortnight. Let's see how it goes.

[t0xic-bch]

CRISTINA YANG GREY'S ANATOMY | 2.04 "Deny, Deny, Deny"

[t0xic-bch]

Feeling bored, might write a Grey's Anatomy fanfiction. I watch the episodes so much may as well turn them into study sessions.