#[ i got rid of my tablet like an idiot too so i cant even get back into it w/o dumping like ]

[hellsbovnd-archive]

what do you mean in order to be a novelist and make money off my writing i have to pay attention to my original ocs and not waste my days conceptualizing weirdly specific and probably contrived aus in which all of my ffxiv ocs meet

[waterofthegods]

Living Inside My Head

So guess I should tell you my story, let you know whats behind my mask. Well I’ll start as far back as i can remember;

I think before secondary school (before 11yo) I was your typical kid, loved being outside and being with my friends, life was good, I had a great upbringing and learned manners & what it is to be good person. My issues started with going to the “big school” aka secondary school, I was a small skinny kid with spots/pimples, I was an easy target for the bullies and popular kids to find fault with, I had the usual name calling and the being pushed around, even had items of my clothing taken from me and burnt or thrown around between people. that was the beginning of me feeling weak and powerless which eventually lead to a self loathing and a deep feeling of worthlessness, over time a mask formed and I became incredibly good at hiding in plain site, just on the fringe so no one noticed me enough to care. During this time I’d had a few mini relationships but one girl I fell in love with and because of her friends telling her to leave me she dumped me & my heart felt the pain of rejection (just this evening I was told that the feeling of rejection isn’t real, its just in our minds, in truth we must see it as the other person looking out for themselves just as we would do, self preservation, YES it does hurt still because we have an investment in that person but we must respect them for being brave enough to make that decision. It wasn’t until I was 15/16 that I’d built relationships with the right groups so that I was left along 95% of the time but by this point the self loathing and fault picking (Body Dysmorphia as I refer to it now) had kicked in so I craved to be liked & loved, this lead me into the arms of and quickly the pants of a girl in college, I didnt want to sleep with her but the pressures of the situation lead to her forcing herself on me several times (yes a man can be sexually assaulted/raped) this was my first experience of sex & it has dictated every sexual experience since. once I’d finished college I had begun working out, this would be a journey I’d continue on until this year (2017), it became the thing I did to feel better and to try and look better, to build myself to a physical size where i was small enough so that the big guys didnt want to fight me & I was too big for the smaller guys to bother with, already I was in a strange & unhealthy mindset. I had a relationship until I was 21 but I felt I’d drifted apart from that girl, what I didnt know then was that my depression was dictating my every move and this lead to me dumping that girl which broke her heart and I watched for years as she struggled to deal with that fact as we still hung out with the same group of friends, also we still hooked up from time to time because I was lonely & that interaction made me feel good for a short time but with every relationship and one night stand from then until i was 25 had been one girl saying ‘NO’ or ‘dumping me’ saying i was ‘boring’ or ‘not the guy they wanted’ or plain old just stopped talking to me. Within this time I had attempted to hang myself, only at the last minute did I stop because in my mind I saw my mothers face upon finding my body hanging there & her breaking down into tears. My depression was in full swing by the time I met Nat (the second girl I fell in love with) from day one I was hooked, she was amazing & beautiful and I was best mates (still best mates) with her brother, that was truly the most I’ve felt happiness since I was a kid, her family was amazing, we loved being together, I spent as much time as I could with her, we even saved to go travelling together with two of her other friends, travelling was our downfall because the stresses of being away from home, having to make decisions with other people who where so indecisive it pained me, started putting cracks in my mask, couple that with us being in a tiny city in Australia with dwindling funds and the group separating meant I felt trapped and instead of being able to talk this out I just shut down & disconnected, went out socialising and drinking & then made the biggest mistake I feel of my life, I dumped Nat and broke her heart, little did I know then but I’d feel that exact pain in years to come. I stayed in contact with Nat & as I watched her spiral into her own depression and pain it ate away at me inside, week by week I realised I’d fucked up n there wasnt anything I could do to help her feel better and with that knowledge I internalised my hatred for myself and fed my illness the fuel it wanted, pushing myself deeper into my own head & into a lot more one night stands than I’d like to admit, I’m not proud of them but I cant ignore them either, they happened as a result of feeling disconnected, worthless and not worthy of the love I’d gotten from Nat, I felt I was bringing her down and it wasnt fair to do that to a wonderful soul like hers. Now a 28yo ‘man’ (scared lil boy) I had just returned home from Australia & began talking to an English girl I’d met travelling, by valentines of that year (2015) we’d decided to meet up in Edinburgh (my third love Lucy), It was fireworks for me the second I saw her again, that shy cheeky look on her face, it was a great first few months even though we lived 6hrs apart, me in Tow Law and her in Lochness, once again my demons crept into my head and said your going to hurt her because your not good enough for this girl, so we fought a lot and i broke up with her, I then did the only other thing i do when I’m in pain which is get drunk and slept with a girl from work, realising this wasnt what i wanted i tried getting back with Lucy a few weeks later, she did take me back but knew I’d slept with someone and asked me about it, Im always honest so i admitted what had happened, this broke her heart again and Im not sure she ever forgave me (also at this time her best friends died) so I can understand I was at fault too. Everything was good until i found a guy she had gym classes with flirting with her on texts, granted she wasnt replying but she wasnt stopping him either, confronting her made a big issue and caused tensions which begun my second mental illness ANXIETY, I became paranoid & on occasion I get a bad feeling so I’d check her phone and I found sexual messages between her and a guy she’d met in Australia, now any normal human being would have told her to fuck off but as I was in love and in a fragile state I needed her love so after confronting her and arguing she agreed not to talk to him again and Id try to forget it, well im sure by now you can guess that didnt happen and by Xmas I’d found sexual emails from her to her ex (the guy she thought was her perfect man) and vice versa so again i told her i knew, she said she’d stop talking to him and we’d move on, (what a fucking idiot I was) by now my self worth was almost zero, my depression and anxiety in full swing and in a long distance relationship without trust, Valentines day 2016 the weekend to patch things up as bring back the love we first felt, I book the same hotel as the first time we met, I get there early in the day to get flowers and rose petals and chocolates and make the room as amazing as possible, I pick her up from the bus station and we have a great day and evening but I just cant sleep i sense something so I go and look in her phone and there are emails time stamped for that day as she travelled to me, between her and her ex talking sexually, I can not describe how worthless i felt in that moment, I literally became numb to the situation, unwilling to believe what was happening to me, this time i said nothing about the messages and just continued the weekend. Over the coming months we spent more n more time apart and I’d become dependent on alcohol to sleep and 7 cups of coffee to get through the day as I was lucky to get 2/3hrs of sleep a day before starting my 7-5 shifts, which could be 6/7 days a week, I over trained in the gym to try and look better for her and only ate 1 meal a day if I as lucky (I lost 14kg in weight), I injured my knee in the process and it still to this day isnt fixed. we’d decided to go travelling together, which in my mind was how we’d fix things because we needed a fresh start with fresh scenery. All that happened was that she disconnect mentally and sexually, started talking (and maybe more) with a guy she’d met in the gym, the guy shes dating now (definitely cheated on me with him) in November of that year I had enough and told her I’d been so sad with her I had previously gone to get drunk and cut my wrists because her actions and the way she made me feel, she has upset but at this point it was days from our break up, one night on a video call i had been drinking heavily and started to take Tramadol tablets, after her obvious hysteria I stopped taking them after about 4 tablets and went to be sick. 2 days later she broke up with me and only talked to me in regards to the flights we’d booked to go travelling (she was cancelling her flights). At this point Im mentally at my lowest point, numb to everything & planning my death, unknowing to me everyone around me knew I was going to do something because I was no longer able to maintain the mask. NYE day my parents sat me down and told me they didnt want me to leave and go travelling but I insisted I was going and need to get away from the memories, so I got rid of all Lucys things. January 4th 2017 came round and I got on the plane bound for SE Asia having planned to just get through the 2 months in Asia and then fly to NZ wait a month (April) until my birthday and buy whisky, lots of painkillers and then find a quiet beautiful place to just drift off this mortal coil, to relieve my self of over 15 years of feeling exhausted under the weight of these illnesses, just feeling like i was drowning on the air I needed to survive, taking bigger gulps & drowning quicker with each breath. Thing is I met a guy & girl in Asia, we traveled on and off together, experiencing fun and laughter and distracting me from my illness, at least for a while, a few days before I left Asia i crashed a moped and injured my leg and arm, it got infected and once I got to NZ I went to A&E to have it looked at, this is where I met Christina (my final love) she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen, we got talking and hit it off, but shortly after she messaged saying she was interested in a guy she’d known from years ago and couldnt continue talking to me. It hurt me because to me it was another rejection so i moved to a little town called Te Puke (sounds like cookie) there i stayed with a wonderful couple and their dog while i got my foot better and found work to build up my savings, during this time Christina asked my to come to Auckland and meet her before she went back to the USA for a new job, this is where we got talking again, eventually we hooked up and each weekend I’d finish work and drive the 3 1/2hrs to see her for the weekend and drive home Sunday or Monday Morning, this was the case for about a month and then I moved to Auckland to be with her, I felt that she was the one, everything about her was perfect but due to many stresses including money, bills, no job & one of her kids having abandonment issues, which were hard to deal with, caused unrest and upset, she also wasnt over he last guy who was her twin flame, the guy who made her feel perfect and he was her person, only thing was he chose the girl he was dating and not Christina, this devastated he & so because shes not dealt with that she, disconnected both mentally and sexually within the relationship and so my depression, anxiety attacks and self worth took a massive hit once again and right now I feel alone, devastated, lost and numb, my heart is broken into more pieces than there are stars in the night sky, walls are up, mask is firmly in place. Along with all this shit my anxiety causes me to feel nauseous and all I can keep down is an apple a day so I end up being very ill and if I eat anything else I throw it up. I question why these things happen to me and why I cant just kill myself and leave this all behind, the same phase is told to me over and over again, The world has a need for you in it! this is true for all of us Im beginning to see, hence why Im writing this blog to show others they’re not alone and you can find a peace within yourself, just reach out and ask for help.