#[ I've been trying to draw something for the 7th day all evening but I can't do anything ]

[lone-rhapsodist]

I lasted 5 days. The other day, I exploded. I don't regret it. They really deserved it. But it's not good. And it's no use.

I don't want to be here. Not if it has to be like this. And if I'm here again in the future, I don't want to be here for this long. I'm not going to say anything to my family now. I'm going to survive until 7th January and then draw a line.

I feel like this has been the last straw. I already have shit going on in my life. I can't keep having to deal with this family bullshit too.

Something inside of me has broken. I can't do this fake stuff anymore. Recently, I've been working on my values, and one value I've felt strongly about is authenticity. When I picked it, I couldn't tell why I felt so strongly about it. But now, I get it. Authenticity is like, if you've got any values, you're going to want to live by them. And if you're surrounded by people who don't let you live by your values, you're going to want to cut them off.

Now, I don't want to give up on my family. Taken separately, my brothers and my sister, even my parents, they're fine. But together, we're a fucking mess. We can't get organised. We can't make a decision. We can't communicate. It's a fucking disgrace.

I'll still come home and see them. But like, for a week or so at most. 10 days max. I don't care. I can't come here and be in pain for days. I have to take care of myself first.

I already know my dad will tell me to fuck off about this. I don't care. I'll tell him to fuck off right back if needed. With no hatred. No vitriol. Just, sheer annoyance.

That's what it was like the other day, when I was talking to my sister. The fucking exhaustion I was feeling... I wasn't angry at her. I was just, so done with her. So done with my family and their shitty behaviour. So done with their lack of understanding, of thinking, of care.

Honestly, I've tried everything. Everything. I've talked to them one to one. I've tried to understand them. I've tried to help them understand me. No fucking use. So then, what's the point?

I'll come home. We'll spend time together. But, you can't force me to stay here two weeks or more if I don't want to. I'm a fucking adult. And we're old enough to know that we can't stand each other for that long. We're a family, and that's great but, I shouldn't be forced to do things I don't want to do. And that's not just for family, but for everyone. For all relationships.

I feel fear at the thought of how much this mentality shift of mine could shake up my world. My work relations, my friends, my partner... Look, I know myself, I'm good and kind, but if you break my balls, you'll have to expect to be told to fuck off. Like, it's on you. Precisely because I try so hard to be good and kind, all of the time. If I try so hard to be nice, to be caring, to be supportive, to take an interest in you and be helpful... And you're going to be an asshole to me. Then, what the fuck do you want?

It's not even assertiveness. It's not even like I'm trying to win the argument. There's no argument. There's no reason for you to behave like this. I want to do stuff, I want to be myself, I want to feel free to express myself. But if you shit on all that, then... I'm a humble person, but that doesn't mean I don't know my value. That doesn't mean I'm going to let people walk all over me. I don't need to stand my ground. I am the ground. I'll sweep the ground off your fucking feet if I have to, and be done with you, and go and do my own thing.

I don't know. Like I said, I'm afraid. I'm afraid especially for my partner. I don't want to make life difficult for them. But at the same time, if they're going to make it difficult for me, then like, what the fuck? I'm sorry, there's going to be a lot of learning for both of us, and that will start from me telling you to fuck off from time to time, if you deserve it.

I promise you, we're all going to get through this. And we're all going to come out of it better than before. But I'm no longer willing to lose myself to appease others.

What's that thing we say on Tumblr? Entering my villain era? I just feel like I shouldn't have to deal with bullshit from people when I don't give them any and in fact try to be good and kind to them and all of that stuff. I'll keep being nice. I'll keep being helpful. It's just who I am. But if you piss me off and you're not even willing to talk about it, then you can fuck right off.

I'll go away and think about this. Reformulate it in a way that's helpful and set an intention. It may change, for sure. But I think that's about fair. I just hope I won't become an asshole in the process. But if you're an asshole to me, well. Tough. I won't talk back. I won't be cruel. But I won't stand for it either. And I think that's absolutely right.

[bietrofastimoff23]

Prongsfoot Week #6

DAY 6 - Questions for this Ship?  (Link to Questions for Ship I found) 

Who cooks? James.

Who’s the messiest? During the Hogwarts years, James. The cleanest? In the years after Hogwarts, too, James.  

Who fixes the vehicle after a breakdown? definitely Sirius.

Living space has a leak! Who fixes it? I think they will both try to do this, but in the end they will have to call a specialist.

Who buys the groceries? both.

Going out to eat: Who pays? mostly James. Who orders the most food?  Sirius. And who has dessert? Sirius.

Would they go to the beach? Yes.

Who knows how to swim? Both. Who doesn’t? No one.

Is someone multilingual? Sirius. Do they try to teach another language to the other? How does it go? I think Sirius would constantly compliment James in another language, but he did it with a strange intonation, refusing to translate to James. james started learning the language on principle in order to understand what his boyfriend was talking about. but in other cases, Sirius is always ready to help James with the translation of any word or text.

Any pets? Or plants? cacti are the only ones who have a chance to survive.

Baths or showers? mostly a shower. Together or separate? if they have nowhere to hurry, then together. Any bubbles or bubble fights? when they are most playful.

Can they stand silence? yes, if it's not silence after a quarrel. then they feel uncomfortable and they want to settle the conflict faster. Who talks the most? James. I think he is verbose by himself due to his temperament and can talk literally about anything. Who talks the least? Sirius. I think he usually prefers to talk to the point.

Who stays up late? Sirius. Who sleeps the most? Sirius. Does the other have to force them to sleep/wake up? No.

Who is the highest maintenance? maybe Sirius. Does the other mind? no. 

Vacation ideas: who decides them? Both. Where would they go, if anywhere? I suppose they always go somewhere purposefully, I mean, places where there is a Quidditch tournament or there is a motorcycle museum, etc. I can also see them on the beach, where Sirius is peacefully sunbathing in the sun while James is playing volleyball with guys.

How often do they have sex, if at all? I suppose quite often, especially at first.

Who brings ideas? mostly Sirius. Who initiates? Both.

Any kinks they clash on? No.

Oddest place they’d have sex? I'm not sure if this is a strange place, but since in my mind they started a relationship after Hogwarts, I'll call the alley by the bar. maybe even a toilet stall, lol.

Favourite positions? in which they can see each other's faces.

Dom/top? mostly Sirius. Sub/bottom? mostly James. Any switches? they switch, but Sirius continues to be more dominant even when bottom.

Genital headcanons? No.

Favourite erogenous zones? Sirius: neck. James: inner thigh.

Quickest turn ons? a voice or a look full of lust. Immediate turn offs? mention of relatives, lmao.

First to orgasm? James. Last to orgasm? Sirius. Who comes the most? James. Does someone ever end up unfinished? they both always finished if they are not interrupted, which happened only a couple of times.

Favourite romantic gestures during sex/orgasm? I think gestures like interlacing fingers and looking into each other's eyes are the best orgasm stimulator for both.

How are their afterglows? sweet pleasure and lazy hugs.

Who’s loud? James. Who’s quiet? Sirius. Does one try to make the other louder/quieter? How? Sirius is trying to make James louder when he should be quieter. James sees it as a challenge to make Sirius louder. and how they do it mostly depends on their positions.

Lights on or off? depends on whether the light was turned on initially. Do they look at each other? Yes. Or is someone embarrassed? I think James may be embarrassed at first, but at the same time he can't resist looking Sirius in the eye, especially when he asks for it.

Open or closed relationship? Closed. Do they sometimes share? they are not the kind of people who like to share.

[xiaq]

With kids who consistently have problems with other classes/teachers I wonder what could be causing the difference- because you’re right about the kids being good, kids usually are good, so there’s probably something external causing the difference.

Could be as simple as meeting the expectations teachers have, but I feel like based on what I’ve seen you put in a lot of effort to reach kids where they’re at without judgment so I was wondering if you have any tips on student interaction/classroom policies/grading rules that have created a positive environment in your classroom?

I'm really tired so this might not be very coherent, sorry.

I haven't been in a high school environment long enough to have a strong opinion on the difference, but from what I've seen, most teachers at my school are just...tired. They aren't adequately paid or supported by the administration. Something I'm already very frustrated about. Examples: I've had to buy all my own supplies for my class, and I still haven't received my first paycheck. I also only just got access to my class rosters/online grade book/curriculum/printing capabilities this week, and I still don't have an ID or (non-borrowed) keys to the building/my classroom. I also have several students who don't speak fluent English and two who speak No English At All (literally just came to the US this year) and there's no support for those kids or for me. So I'm having to translate all the materials I give them myself and then translate their responses to grade them and that's not really helping them learn English or how to communicate in English and they're mostly lost during the actual teaching portion of the class, but it's the best I can do since I have over 100 kids I'm trying to teach each day. I also have several kids who need accommodations for learning disabilities and I similarly can't tailor lessons to their needs the way I'd like to. It's super frustrating to feel that you're trying your best but no one seems to want to help you. I imagine that gets old really fast and makes you pretty jaded. I mean, if you don't care so much, it doesn't hurt so much that no one else seems to care.

And the students--90% of students at my school qualify for free lunch and the majority are ESL students whose parents can't help them with most of their homework because they don't speak or write in English. These kids already had disadvantages they were dealing with that were just compounded by Covid. Most of my students haven't interacted with other people their age face-to-face since 7th grade. AND they're dealing with typical teenage hormones on top of the whole being emotionally and socially stunted due to a global pandemic, thing. They need heaps of extra help and kindness right now that most teachers just can't provide because the teachers are also at the end of their rope. I'm just shiny and new enough that I haven't yet hit that point. As for tips--I try to just treat kids like less-educated adults who are Going Through It and need a lot of compassion. I try to make them all feel seen and appreciated and try to set myself up as a trustworthy authority who won't judge them. I'll come down hard on them if they're being disrespectful to me, other students, or even themselves, but I don't hold their bad days against them. And I don't ever force them to participate or belittle them in any way. I have a "you always get second chances" policy because how the hell are they supposed to learn otherwise? So if at any time a student is unhappy with their grade, whether it's a 0 or a 99, they can redo the assignment and I'll re-grade it.

I have my blackboard wall that students are allowed to draw on any time they aren't working, or need a break during work time. I also have led light strips that change color and they're free to play with the lights (something that they inexplicably love?) when they're done working. I have my visible "Sin Bin" for folks using phones during class, which they seem to respond much better to than the whole "I'm going to take your phone and put it in my desk drawer where you can't see it" that most of the other teachers do. And I let them use their phones if they finish their work early. They also all have permanent invitations to eat lunch in my classroom if they want to avoid the cafeteria, which about 15-20 of them do at this point (I'm worried we'll run out of room, soon!). So I've set up me and my space as a safe place for queer kids and oddballs and pretty freshman girls trying to avoid predatory older boys because they know I won't let anyone in my room be unkind to them.

Mostly, though, I just try to say at least one positive thing to every student every day, and during lecturing, discussion, and individual work time, I spend time moving between all the desks speaking directly to each student to try and make them feel included and valued. Some will sleep through class anyway, but the majority seem to respond well to that.

I don't know if any of this is helpful--but I'd love to hear other folks' tactics as well!

[real-starkinder]

Have a Drink for me, I am Dry for Lent

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Friends & Colleagues & Strangers on the Internet. I decided to not drink any alcohol for this year's Lent, but Skal, Cheers & Slainte' to Ya! Having Irish heritage has always made me feel proud. This week, it's been sunny. Despite us having so little, right now & the struggle that My Love and I are going through... I am feeling pretty confident that we will be just fine. Successful, even. If we all don't explode, that is...

Last week, I talked about being a mess ( I also said, 'who doesn't?') yet, How Dare I? I am so sympathetic, but also inspired by the People of Ukraine. I have watched videos of girls bravely walking around, displaying what happened in their city & what they're going through. Musicians giving people something to help keep them relaxed, I'm sure.. distracted, perhaps?.. I love Musicians so much. There are so many bravely surviving this, which has given me a lot to think about. What were to happen if this had happened in your neighborhood?

Last year - I learned a lot about the importance of relationships. I didn't know, but I was taking them for granted... It is comfortable to me, to keep people at arms length... Usually, I end up ghosting someone because of some kind of reaction or behavior I had that they don't understand. I have had a difficult time expressing my emotions... growing up, my own Mother called me a Monster Child. I have been told that I'm weird or difficult to be around... I've heard a lot of hateful things from the people who I loved and loved me.

Now, I just push people away or I'll keep the friendship very casual. If I really like someone, it's like a day at the beach and I just want to run straight into the Ocean of Friendship - It's not something I would consider healthy about my personality, so I'm trying to figure it out. I want to change, so much... I don't want to be hated for who I truly am. I don't want to care what people think about me, anymore...

There are two women that will always hold a special place in my heart & they both ought to know who they are without me needing to even say their names. Gods, I LOVE these two women. It sucks that we all live so far apart from each other.. Good thing for Technology!

Thanks to the Internet, I'm able to connect with new people too and I'm glad we've met, if we have. Right now, I'm designing a new original character for the story I'm building and it feels sooo good. I base most if not all of my characters on real people and the person this one references has such a kind heart. She's always silently had my back. Wish we lived closer..

There is also the Love of my Life - The Man I'm going to Marry - My Best Friend in the World. He's my Rock, Shield, & Man with an Axe. He's also a gentle giant, guys. He makes friends with small animals, the most, hehe. This is our 7th year as a couple & we have plans to get married in our old stomping grounds in July. Going to have a simple Picnic in the Park style of Wedding & I'll probably Cater the event, myself!

Sigh...

It feels good to feel better about myself, this week. I am really excited to blog again. My Ego is very fragile right now. It feels healthy to be doing this for myself. I have spent too much of my life in Self Doubt.. I hit the backspace button too much! Always revising my sentences... keeping hoards of drawings and ideas to myself, scared to show it to the world, because "it's not ready."

There still has not been a word on my start date for the new job.. Trying not to bite my nails about it and remain hopeful. I've been taking advantage of the time at home, between jobs, to get spring cleaning finished. My Love and I are stable and comfortable - our Bills are caught up and we are not starving. It's important to be saving as much money as we can, right now. We can't afford a human family right now, so we have cats. Overall - I am very Blessed and for the most part, Happy.

I still think that despite what's going on right now, we are going to have an amazing future. That's all I have today - Later