real-starkinder

[real-starkinder]

It’s Father’s Day weekend! As many of you know, I love & look up to my Dad, more than anyone else on the planet. I used to be his garage helper, so I know my tools. He taught me how to tie my shoes & when I got frustrated that I couldn’t get it right, he changed it up & he also showed me how to draw a horse. He showed me how to fish & even though I don’t like it as much as he does, I’ll always tag along for the scenery. He is the reason I am the person that I am, well part of. Momma played a big part in my teenage years!

I am so blessed to have them for parents.

Now, a young man who stole my heart over 8 years ago - @greaterthan9k is being welcomed to become part of my family & I, his.

A couple of weekends ago, Dad invited Jake out to test his boat for the first time - dad needed it welded in spots that were leaking when he bought it. I asked to tag along, promised them I’d leave them alone - ran into momma & we had our own bonding moments in some kayaks.

Wedding is now two weeks away - I am STOKED!

Oh ya, & the job is going great as well. I survived my first “hot summer” week of walking 10miles a day for 6 days in a row! I feel so strong & healthy!

Okay - I’m gonna go be with family.

Happy Fathers Day, y’all 💛

⭐️

[real-starkinder]

May 10th 2022

Dirt is mixed with my blood. Gardening is second nature to me, now. My Mother & My Grandmother & My Step Mother have all taught me so much. I want to keep all these lessons close to my heart, so I can pass them down to my own daughter, one day.

There is no spare “downtime” for me, anymore. If I am awake, some chore needs to be done & if they’re all done - there’s always something to create, to learn or to cook!

This was the first Mother’s day in a long time that I enjoyed. Slept in, then messaged every momma I know. I met my Step Mom at the park to give her our gifts we made - she ended up with the Fire Tower painting & @greaterthan9k got her a “Mother-in-law” Cusion (a Cactus) We had a nice long walk with my dog brother, Bo & I purposely didn’t touch my phone to fully enjoy each moment.

About a week ago, someone in my neighborhood was throwing out a nice stroller - there was nothing wrong with it, but I guess they didn’t want it because it had been sitting out in the rain? I have no idea - in either case, I have claimed it for Miss Miya’s sake. My oldest cat loves to be outside, but has a harder time getting around, nowadays. I cleaned it out really good, plopped a waterproof cushion inside it & repurposed my old raincoat to give her a privacy area. She loves it & now we’re going on nightly walks - just us old gals!

This is the second baby stroller I have found thrown away in our neighborhood in two years - Is this a sign?

I’m cutting this one short, this week - I have so much mental fatigue from juggling all of everything all the time & not being used to it, yet.

Hope you have a good week 💛

⭐️

#artistsoninstagram #blog #artblog #update #sensitive #maternal #memories #garden #plants #life #repurposed #stroll #seniorcat #adventures #love #walks #mentalhealth #sunshine

[real-starkinder]

Hey Friends ~ How are you doing?

The past couple of weeks have been challenging, yet rewarding. Work feels like survival training & it feels good to be making money. Outside of work, I’m trying to keep up with chores & meal prep - taking care of the house & family is a part time job, too. My Spiritual Senses have been heightened, which is new. Jake & our cats are happy & healthy.. besides a leftover dry cough from recently being sick.

Very little time to get creative, since I get only a couple of hours to rest. However, once work levels off & I get used to being a ‘Mail Ninja’ - I’m confident that will change. I’m walking so much & am always outside. I feel myself getting stronger & since I’ve gone through all of the struggles that I have in my life, I’m not suffering. My coworker asked me anxiously, today “you really don’t mind walking in this rain?!” & I just shrugged with a smile, “No”, I reply.

It’s challenging to balance, but I’m being a good Waifu & Cat Momma for our home. My patience has gotten better. Recently, there have been a few friends who reached out to me to share how much they care & I am ever so grateful.

Early last week, I stumbled upon @florenceandthemachine song “Free” - Inspiration 💛⭐️

Recently, My Deceased Mom came to me in a vivid dream & we had a heated discussion the way we used to … about her Sewing Machine. I inherited it & she challenged me, quite fiercely, to start using it. I confidently snapped right back that I would & I pulled it out of the closet the other day.

Last weekend, we honored our Viking friend’s spirit - one year ago on May 1st, he passed away in a house fire. I’ll save talking about Xiro for another day.

All the cats have been updated with their flea & worm medications & we bought them a lot of good food, wet & dry. Oil change is scheduled for this Thursday. Two new front tires for the care next week & we will also be setting up some internet & creating savings accounts for each of us.

Last weekend, we splurged a bit - I got a nice Japanese Whiskey to add in my Tea & @greaterthan9k has been wanting a Cactus for a while. I’ve been calling It ‘Pokey’.

[real-starkinder]

* DISCLAIMER ~ Emotions ~ there are a lot of them in today's Vlog.

I just took two weeks worth of videos & slapped it all together. Started filming on 4.11.22.

Despite all the emotions ~ My life is sorting itself out, steadily & today I am smiling.

There is an Easter Egg at the end of this video :)

[real-starkinder]

Hey everyone - Hello April & Spring Season ❤️

My name is Rachel. I am an interesting being.

My childhood was traumatic, like a lot of my peers. I was born right at the end of 1990 to Christian Parents - both coming from poor, big families - My Father graduated from Purdue University & my Mother had just left her second abusive husband. They married within a year of knowing each other. A year later I was born. I was jaundice (yellow skinned) & had a hairless bump at the tip of my head. They kept me in the hospital for four additional days to make sure I was healthy & I was home by Christmas Eve.

My parent’s did not have a good marriage. On the surface, they seemed like they had it all together. My Father made enough money for the family as an engineer, so we were able to live in a nicer neighborhood, have a lot of toys, & go on fun vacations once a year. When they were home, all they did was argue or complain about one another. I just did what I think any kid in that situation would do & look for ways to distract myself from the pain going on around me. One of the first reasons that I got into coloring books & drawing was to do this. My best friend was my Golden Retriever Peaches, we were around the same age, and she was the only thing in my life that remained reliable.

My mother had another baby a few years later, another girl. I had a dream shortly after she was born that I strangled her by tying a bag around her head and shoving her underneath our mother’s china cabinet. I woke up breathing like I was just running from something, remembering what I had just dreamt & felt so much guilt. I crawled into her crib that night and curled up next to her - telling her that I loved her. As she got older, I helped her learn how to read & write and we always played together.

It was always a challenge to feel any love for ME, without a lot of strings attached. I couldn’t hold my bladder while I slept for many years, so I would wet the bed almost every night. My Mom would punish me by making me wash the bed sheets every morning. My mother also stuck my thumb in my mouth when I was still a baby because she thought it “looked cute”… and THAT became a habit. Couple both of those qualities with a strictly religious upbringing & Undiagnosed mental illnesses & it’s no wonder that I had a hard time fitting in.

Which also made me a perfect target for abusers & manipulation. It’s scary to think about this & to bring up. There are gaps where months are missing from my memory - and I have an excellent one. Members of my family would bully me verbally or physically behind my parent’s backs or manipulate me to do something in order to fit in & be liked more - it never worked… but I didn’t know any better. I’ve also been told by members of my family, that someone molested me when I was a child, but it’s based on theory, for now. Unless evidence or a memory surfaces, I have chosen to avoid opening the door to that basement.

In my heart, I loved my family - My Mother was an alcoholic & undiagnosed bipolar. On her nice days, we had fun together & it was more like we were friends than she was Mom. One her bad days, she either couldn’t function or you didn’t want to be around the angry storm of hurtful, judging words & criticism. Being the oldest, it became my responsibility to help her with all of the house chores, in & out… I was so desperate to be loved that I would do this, while throwing a fit because it wasn’t what I wanted to do. She would ask what was wrong with me or call me a bad daughter if my temper tantrums became too much.

My sister and I were close while younger, but drifted apart as we got older. She got a better head start than I did in school & with friends. I was considered the ugly weird girl who smelled like pee & sucked her thumb & was too shy to talk to anyone. My only friend in elementary was this one Christian girl - she was the popular, nice one & I think she just felt bad for me. She was part of a group of friends, but it felt really weird just trying to be myself around them.. we didn’t remain friends for very long.

So, in order to socialize in a way that allowed me to feel loved, I started playing pretend in privacy. I had a plethora of interesting friends & animals to hang out with… they were just all imaginary. I would go to school, do the things expected from me & then would lock myself up in my room privately, so I could have friends who enjoyed having me around. Gods, this is bumming me out to relive, guys…

The marriage ended up tanking very badly - I’ll give you a quick summary: Mom found out that Dad was having an affair. Mom gets drunk & tries to kick Dad’s ass & gets sent to jail. Dad explains to us how miserable he’s been this entire time & that he’s only sticking around for us kids. Both families turn against each other & we’re in the middle. Dad is kicked out & Mom drinks even more than before. Mom starts abusing me. Mom starts bringing new boyfriends home. They’re fighting over finances & who deserves to get us girls…

Meanwhile, I have no idea who I am - where I fit in - what a healthy relationship is even like… but hey… that’s when J.R.R. Tolkien & other books I love come in and save the day. I’m being serious - my sister & I were suicidal by the age of 11 & 9…

The older I got, the more frustrating it became to express my emotions. Since I had little to no practice with real beings, things never seemed to go my way. So I got very used to just shutting down my emotions. I would keep to myself in school - even when people tried to be friendly, I didn’t understand what their intentions were.. it just felt more comfortable for me to be the outcast that I was & be a loner. My parent’s divorced when I was at the end of my 4th grade year & overnight the reality that I thought I knew, flipped upside-down.

Living the life that I have & I have only covered the early years so far, is the reason why the beliefs I have are the way they are. I believe in God, but I don’t put labels on it. I believe that we can either reincarnate into this hell on earth or that we can ascend to a “heaven”. I believe in Karma & I also believe that suffering is a necessary part of growth. I believe in loyalty & honesty & restraint. I believe in the two Wolves that we each have within ourselves. I believe in freedom for speech, expression, & love. I believe in my ability for survival. I believe in my will to live. Most importantly, I believe in myself.

Thank you for caring about me ❤️‍🩹

⭐️

[real-starkinder]

New Moon Video Blog for the end of March That's really all there is to say, except...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DRAWN SEAN!!! https://www.youtube.com/c/DrawnSean https://www.twitch.tv/drawn_sean

I do blogs every Wednesday & Video Blogs on New & Full Moons, now. Here are my links

INSTAGRAM - https://www.instagram.com/real_starkinder/ TUMBLR - https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/real-starkinder PATREON - https://www.patreon.com/reila_starkinder

- Check out my Instagram Stories & YouTube Shorts - Doing the best I can to update those daily.

- I have some tiers set at Patreon, if you feel like checking that out.

- I am currently open for commissions Thank you all for reading all the way up to this part! Have a Lucky week!

[real-starkinder]

MARCH UPDATE 3

Well... This is awkward. This is my second time starting this week's Blog, because I accidentally unplugged my laptop cord & killed her -Sweet Dee hasn't had a battery for almost a year now & I was typing on the couch this morning. Upon a cursed Tray Table, by the way. It was a good blog too - I opened up about why I'm antisocial sometimes, I shared some great advice, I talked about organizing crayons & how I currently (try) to plan and meet goals.. Oh well - I get a chance to write again.

I truly wasn't feeling up for socializing, this morning. Then, I started typing.. Lately, I've been nose deep in my Story Building / avoiding emotions, while I patiently wait for a Start Date of my new Career. My usual routine hasn't changed - still up early, feeding everyone, making Love's lunch, then it's Story Building until late afternoon. After some afternoon chorin' or some time outside, I cook dinner, do the dishes, then clean the litter boxes. Sometimes I have a bit of energy left to do a little bit more story building work, but most nights I just watch Love play a video game or we find something we like on YouTube. I love my routine!.. However, we haven't been doing well financially because we only have one income. Hence, the reason I need a New Career - one I can juggle while I put together the Stardustopian Universe - One I am trying very very hard to wait patiently for... It's been weeks - I have been told it takes time, so I'm trying not to get discouraged.

An emotion that has been tossed into the pile of laundry by the rest of them. Imagine that emotions are blankets - I have all mine piled in a corner of the room - waiting to get washed, folded, and neatly put away... but I hate laundry.

Cursed Tray Table? - It's a long story...

Anyways, yes - I can be antisocial at times. This week, for example, it has been more challenging for me to say hi to my friends and family & post to my Instagram Story. <- Is something I truly enjoy doing because I LIKE sharing the fun adventurous parts of my life. Also, I am so grateful to have a couple of friends & family that will reach out to me when I do go quiet... Love y'all.

Why has it been challenging? A lot of the reason is because I don't want to burden someone with my emotions - especially if it's got something to do with the nature of the relationship, friendship, partnership. It's probably good for myself to admit that I try too hard to please everyone. Coupled with horrible trust issues, this is a horrific combination. I've reached a point where I'll just deal with whatever emotion on my own, because it's too confusing for others to understand, yet. I haven't learned how to properly socialize my emotions, just yet..

I only ever wanted you to see the confident go getter that I know I am - not the shy, serious, insecure, resentful mess that I'm still working on.. - It's probably good that you know both, however.

Back when I was 5 years old, being raised by cartoons, an alcoholic mother & a father who paid all the bills but was never home - I was obsessed with organizing my crayons and coloring in my coloring book page by page. My Mother asked me when I was that age why I would start to color a new page without finishing the one I started before. It really stuck & from that point forward, even if it was half assed & rushed - I finished the page that I was on before starting a new one. It was a Rugrats Coloring Book, in case you are curious.

I spent most of my childhood playing by myself or with my little sister. We used our imagination to bring Barbie dolls or Beanie Babies or Dinosaurs to life & would march them around our house, going on adventures - this still cracks my Father up, to this day - As we got older, we became more independent of one another. She was able to go out and make friends, whereas I felt too shy to be myself among my peers. I'll talk about this more in detail in a future blog.. the reason I brought that up is to help explain why I created all the imaginary friends & the world that I did.

The few friends I was able to make in real life were cool. I lacked the self confidence to be able to hold on to those friendships & put in the work it takes for lasting ones. I learn from my mistakes. Also, since I lived the childhood that I did, I now have a really interesting World and Friends to share with this Realm. One that I'm putting all my heart & spirit into.

The advice that I said in the first blog, I will say again - I'll try to remember how I worded it, because I really enjoy how I said it before..

For you young Artists, Writers, Musicians - If you're inspired to create, do it - Art truly is in the eye's of the beholder & we're our worst critics. Even if it's something you don't like right now, don't ever throw what you create away! Hold onto it. It could be the inspirational zest that you've been looking for. Humanity is meant to create.

Well, it went something like that...

Don't you be worrying about me, now - I'll go take care of my laundry. I'll also throw out the cursed tray table - I mean, why do I even still have this thing?

This week, I've given you a sneak peek at one of the first characters I'll be introducing in my Story - Ella. I'm working hard at it, folks - I would like to have a chapter drafted before our wedding in July.

Anyways, that's all I got for today - I saved this draft, this time. >.>

Have a good week, Everyone

:)

[real-starkinder]

Have a Drink for me, I am Dry for Lent

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Friends & Colleagues & Strangers on the Internet. I decided to not drink any alcohol for this year's Lent, but Skal, Cheers & Slainte' to Ya! Having Irish heritage has always made me feel proud. This week, it's been sunny. Despite us having so little, right now & the struggle that My Love and I are going through... I am feeling pretty confident that we will be just fine. Successful, even. If we all don't explode, that is...

Last week, I talked about being a mess ( I also said, 'who doesn't?') yet, How Dare I? I am so sympathetic, but also inspired by the People of Ukraine. I have watched videos of girls bravely walking around, displaying what happened in their city & what they're going through. Musicians giving people something to help keep them relaxed, I'm sure.. distracted, perhaps?.. I love Musicians so much. There are so many bravely surviving this, which has given me a lot to think about. What were to happen if this had happened in your neighborhood?

Last year - I learned a lot about the importance of relationships. I didn't know, but I was taking them for granted... It is comfortable to me, to keep people at arms length... Usually, I end up ghosting someone because of some kind of reaction or behavior I had that they don't understand. I have had a difficult time expressing my emotions... growing up, my own Mother called me a Monster Child. I have been told that I'm weird or difficult to be around... I've heard a lot of hateful things from the people who I loved and loved me.

Now, I just push people away or I'll keep the friendship very casual. If I really like someone, it's like a day at the beach and I just want to run straight into the Ocean of Friendship - It's not something I would consider healthy about my personality, so I'm trying to figure it out. I want to change, so much... I don't want to be hated for who I truly am. I don't want to care what people think about me, anymore...

There are two women that will always hold a special place in my heart & they both ought to know who they are without me needing to even say their names. Gods, I LOVE these two women. It sucks that we all live so far apart from each other.. Good thing for Technology!

Thanks to the Internet, I'm able to connect with new people too and I'm glad we've met, if we have. Right now, I'm designing a new original character for the story I'm building and it feels sooo good. I base most if not all of my characters on real people and the person this one references has such a kind heart. She's always silently had my back. Wish we lived closer..

There is also the Love of my Life - The Man I'm going to Marry - My Best Friend in the World. He's my Rock, Shield, & Man with an Axe. He's also a gentle giant, guys. He makes friends with small animals, the most, hehe. This is our 7th year as a couple & we have plans to get married in our old stomping grounds in July. Going to have a simple Picnic in the Park style of Wedding & I'll probably Cater the event, myself!

Sigh...

It feels good to feel better about myself, this week. I am really excited to blog again. My Ego is very fragile right now. It feels healthy to be doing this for myself. I have spent too much of my life in Self Doubt.. I hit the backspace button too much! Always revising my sentences... keeping hoards of drawings and ideas to myself, scared to show it to the world, because "it's not ready."

There still has not been a word on my start date for the new job.. Trying not to bite my nails about it and remain hopeful. I've been taking advantage of the time at home, between jobs, to get spring cleaning finished. My Love and I are stable and comfortable - our Bills are caught up and we are not starving. It's important to be saving as much money as we can, right now. We can't afford a human family right now, so we have cats. Overall - I am very Blessed and for the most part, Happy.

I still think that despite what's going on right now, we are going to have an amazing future. That's all I have today - Later

[real-starkinder]

March update

Hello Friends,

No beating around the bush, I am a fragile mess, these days. Trying to be brave, after facing some really rough challenges.. We won't touch any of those topics for a while. Let's just say, I'm a Hermit with baggage & a fucked up life - but who isn't?

Been searching for the right job for a long time now... That's finally ended. I haven't officially started, so I don't want to blog about it yet - out of worry that I'll jinx it. In the meantime, I have been making plans and getting things accomplished that have been on the back burner.

Trying to make goals for an unpredictable future... What else is there to say?..

It's wild - At this point, I'm not even worried about being broke. I've been there, done that. A couple of times, actually. It's safe to say, I will find a way to survive.

As the self admitting Leech that I am. Which is something that my inner child had to face recently... You see, I've always had someone to rely on - a safety net. It's a fortunate thing & I am so grateful. However - It's time for me to start relying on myself. Being accountable & making sacrifices that other have made for me. It's time to stop being a Hermit & try again.

I don't want to survive the way a Leech does anymore. I'm glad that I've gone through this discovery. I will be brave & try to do this for myself. Especially because it's what I want & I am the only one in this Life who is going to fight as hard as she can to make it happen.

Right now, I'm at the library, so I can use their Wifi - One of the sacrifices to our budget, this month, was our internet. Really daunting how much we take comfort for granted, sometimes. I enjoy reading & have been doing that more, instead of looking for something to watch on Youtube - like, I have to really search these days, too... Ugh.

However, I do miss using CSP.. Something I should have done while we could afford it was invest in the program, instead of renting it monthly. I have been renting Clip Studio Paint for over 6 months now & I know I'll be using it for a long time to come. When I can afford it again, I'll be purchasing it. It's such an amazing program.

In the meanwhile, I downloaded Blender... So I will be overcoming my anxiety of 3D design/modelling this month. I will be starting off with a donut, so I can learn how to use this program.

I think that's all I have for this week... Hunger is saying 'let's wrap this up & go home'.

Have a good weekend, Y'all!

[real-starkinder]

Fundamentals #9

Fundamentals of Animation # 9 ~ Flour Sack Jumping!

⭐️ This one.. YA - F this Fundamental... LOL

At least I know where I can improve for next time. I also learned something... which is exactly why these fundamentals exist.

It's been over a month since I last posted Wheatly!!! T-T

Wish that I could tell you that I'm getting better at balancing Life & Learning... Oh well - One of my Spirit Guides is the Patient Turtle.

The other one is a Terrier with a Caffeine Addiction 🤪

[real-starkinder]

Fundamentals of Animation # 8 ~ Flour Sack Waving! ⭐️ HIS NAME IS WHEATLY

#artist #practice #fundamentals #clipstudiopaint #wacom #drawing #digitalart #illustration #graphicdesign #digitalillustration #digital #characterdesign #fantasy #cartoon #conceptart #imagination #visual #motiongraphics #cartoonart #characterillustration

[real-starkinder]

Hey Friends! I finally learned how to COLOR my Vector Animations ~ Giving me a much needed confidence boost! I am putting Animation Studies / Story Building on hold for the rest of the year.. Using the remainder of 2021 to brainstorm my image and marketing plan. I'll admit that for most of this year, I haven't had a clue how to be a successful Freelance Artist.. I won't give up, though. Thank you all for believing in me, too! No words can express how much I appreciate you.

[real-starkinder]

Here is another animation fundamental ~ Thinking! I wanted to do more with this, but I decided to call it so I can move along to the next fundamental.

[real-starkinder]

This one was fun ~ Fundamentals of Animation Number 6: Blinking!

[real-starkinder]

I'm not 100% satisfied with this head turn, but I am telling myself to move on anyways. Here is my 5th animation Exercise! Done using Clip Studio Paint (Trial Version) & Vectors

[real-starkinder]

I took waaaaaay too long on this "Simple" Head Turn Exercise ~ This is one of my Go Big or Go Home Moments, Lol. I am so proud of how well I'm doing! Once I figured out that the Turn only took 12 frames, I decided to use the other 12 to piss her off and do an Ear Tweak. Anyone else love a nice Ear Tweak? ^_^ Done using Clip Studio Paint (Trial Version) & Vectors

[real-starkinder]

Fundamentals of Animation 2 ~ Bouncing Ball 2 ~ Still trying to figure out how to Tween -.- Done using Clip Studio Paint (Trial Version) & Vectors