#[SOLOMON'S COOKING HAS ENTERED THE RING]

[radarchives]

[hopeluna-archived]

HELLLLLLLLLLOOO how r u?

is it ok if i request some solomon fluff scenarios ;-; or him being a dumb pervertedshi- or both- its ok if ur not comfortable or dont want to c:

This has been sitting away, collecting dust for so long. I still don't what this is but take it *runs back to my cave*

m.list

You don't know how you ended up here, in your current dilemma.

Well you did know but you weren't quite keen on accepting it. The way you were so weak when Solomon asked you to try out his new recipe with all his glory of those sparkly, excited eyes was truly pathetic.

The last 45 minutes were spent with Solomon cooking away whatever that blue-green-ish looking thing was, you profusely sweating in worry.

Luke, who had entered the kitchen in purgatory hall 15 minutes into the cooking had looked at you, at the sorcerer, at his food, back at you again and had promptly decided to avoid eye contact with you and run away.

Now sitting here with Solomon's happy humming of a song that you didn't recognise because everything felt like it was melting together in your panic stricken mind, you had three choices:

Reject eating his cooked food and break his heart and endure the broken, gloomed and morosed look on his face.

Eat his cooking to make him happy and lose all hope of the long and happy life that you have dreamt.

Jump out the window and ignore any and all consequences.

As the clock's hand ticked away, the third option was looking to be the best choice among all right now.

Just as you were about to happily ready yourself to meet your fate by the window to jump off, Solomon wandered in where you were sitting, carefully placing the dish in front of you.

You would've found the "kiss the cook" apron on him cute and actually kiss him on his smiling face if you weren't too busy on examining the food to make sure it wouldn't combust into flames in your face.

Just as you were about to scar Solomon for life on witnessing your suicide attempt, the sweet ring of your D.D.D interrupted your thought process and you swear that you have never been more glad to see Mammon's contact come up on the screen.

He could commit a felony, rob a bank, being chased by witches or just asking you for some extra cash, you don't care 'cause you feel like you might just cry of utter relief.

It takes everything in you to maintain a sad look on your face as you look up from your D.D.D to Solomon.

"Well, I should probably go, I mean you never know what Mammon has got up to this time!"

"How about you eat and go? You're probably hungry after all this waiting."

"I-i'll just eat something on the way, don't worry...."

"Let me pack this up for you then, you eat it whenever you can and then tell me about it!", Solomon doesn't give you a chance to answer as he goes away to pack the food for you neatly.

Well, at least you're safe now and you are pretty sure a certain angel is gonna be really content at the surprise lunchbox you're about to give him.

© hopeluna. Do not copy, translate, modify or repost any of my work in this or any other site. Do not steal or modify my ideas/concepts either.

[obey-me-disaster]

The 'cat' group chat adopts a cat

Summary: Satan, Solomon and MC adopt and raise a cat together headcanons.

This can be read as a Satan x Solomon x gn!MC if you squint.

If it was after all of them they would probably raise an army of cats, but one cats would suffice for the moment.

It was MC who found it on a rainy day and brought back to HOL. They went straight into their room and sent in the groupchat a pic of the little cat orange cat and told them to come as fast as they can.

Both of them were there in less than a minute. Satan was catching his breath from all the running and Solomon just teleported in your room.

The three of them came up with a plan so they could keep the small kitten. Solomon would tell Simeon and Luke the cat belonged to Satan while Satan and MC would tell the rest the kitten belonged to Solomon and they are just cat sitting.

And it worked...for 2 weeks. Diavolo got confused to who the cat belonged exactly in front of everyone.

All three of them got punished by Lucifer that night. Yes even Solomon even if he didn't stay at HOL.

After that one of the biggest fights in HOL happened because Lucifer wouldn't let them keep the cat.

They won once MC told them that they will take cooking lessons from Solomon just to make sure they will cook the most awful meals possible.

The cat would stay one week with Satan and MC and one week with Solomon. Even if MC and Solomon went to the human world, they could just teleport back to Devildom.

That cat is one of the most spoiled cats in the whole world. I am talking about top quality food, both normal and magical toys, fancy cat tree house and so on. The kitty still sleeps in a fucking box for some reason even if she has all of that.

There all multiple pictures of them sleeping and cuddling with the cat. Just by themselves, Satan and MC, Solomon and MC or Satan and Solomo or all three of them + the cat in a cuddle pile. It was really cute.

Satan made a chart for feeding and everything so they would make sure they don't over feed the cat.

They all still give her treats when they are not supposed to and then act shocked when she gains weight.

They made sure to take the cat to a vet so they could get her sprayed and everything else they may need.

MC has multiple videos of the cat rejecting Satan and Solomon when she could smell that they have pet another cat before coming home. Both of them look heart broken each time it happens.

All three of them take turns walking the cat outside. It's honestly pretty funny to see the strongest sorcerer and the avatar of wrath walking around with a tiny, affectionate orange cat.

The group entered in a heated debate on how to call the cat that lasted nearly a week. In the end the cat got three names and after a while started to respond to all three of them. When the cat does something bad they call her by all three names, just how a mom would call her kid by their full name.

Solomon takes a lot of secret pictures and makes them his wallpapers for his homescreen. The one at the moment is a picture of Satan with the cat sleeping in his lap while he reads in his pijamas.

There are often arguments on who is the cat's favourite. It's Lucifer. Every time Lucifers enters the room the cats sprints to him and tries to climb him. When that first happened Satan had to be held back from fighting his older brother.

Barbatos, Mammon and Simeon are the back up cat sitters when Satan, Solomon and MC are all busy or they all go on a date.

If they ever get married the cat is the ring bearer.

[ducking-quack]

Polycule with Obey Me characters

Simeon X Raphael X MC

Honestly one of the most comforting pairings but also the scariest, examples:

Simeon would back and cook you two meals

Raphael would knit sweaters and blankets and crochet other things for the both of you

Yet Mikhail help anyone who ever dares insults you or attempts to fight you, Simeon would have a smile and be ready to fight if talking wasn’t an option and Raphael would already have his spear at the ready; they don’t mess around

The three of you would go shopping everywhere together and would stop and the candle aisle to smell all the different candles

Always have meals together whenever possible and help each other cook, set the table, then clean up afterwards

Nurture Luke as your collective child

Whenever they’re summoned to go to the celestial realm, Simeon makes sure to leave you some goodies behind while Raphael is assured the ring (that Simeon stole from Mikhail) will keep you safe

Just a peaceful and comforting family overall:

A cold night in devildom as Luke and you are bundled under a crochet blanket that Raphael has mostly completed but finishing off a couple end details as Simeon comes in with a tray of goodies. Simeon carefully handing everyone a hot cup of hot chocolate before taking his own seat in an armchair chatting with Raphael about his progress. Luke and you grabbing some peppermint and gingerbread cookies and enjoying how warm they are paired nicely with the hot chocolate. Raphael scolding you two for getting crumbs on the blanket and all over the hand knitted sweaters be gifted you all just hours before. Simeon laughing it off and assuring the crumbs will come out after washing. Continuing to enjoy the warm air around you all and making conversation before Solomon enters the house dressed as Santa carrying a massive burlap sack with Asmodeus dressed up as a deer and the other brothers as well as the royals joining you all for the festivities. The night ending off with Luke saying he’s too big to believe in such things and everyone laughing.

[oneyeartoparty]

The brothers react to finding an engagement ring you bought for them

Sorry I haven’t posted for a bit, just been very busy and a litte sick. This was something I’ve been working on for a while. Apologies in advance if its not completely spell/grammar checked, I wanted to get it out for you guys ASAP =D I have a request coming up next, but for now, please enjoy this post and have an awesome day!

Lucifer

Lucifer ventures into your room to drop off some packages from Akuzon that were delivered for you. You’d been getting a lot of packages lately, and he was curious about what you were buying but didn’t want to invade your privacy by snooping.

He was planning on asking you when you returned from studying with Satan and Simeon. Lucifer wanted to make sure his love was provided for, and if you needed something, he would get it.

Lucifer had no issue lifting the boxes, but there was enough of them that even with his best stacking skills, they still partially obscured his sight. He managed to make it to your room without knocking something off the wall, but as he entered, he nudged your shelf with the side of one of the boxes causing something to tumble down.

Placing the boxes down, he turned to see a ring box had fallen from somewhere on the shelf and opened on the way down.

Picking it up, he saw an engagement ring with a golden band with a blue sapphire at its centre. Inscribed on the band were the words “To the only demon to have my heart.”

Pride and happiness swelled in his chest in equal measure. To know you loved him enough to plan to propose was a fantastic feeling.

He didn’t know where the box had fallen from, so he hid it on the shelf once more and hoped you wouldn’t notice and left the room, awaiting the day you choose to propose and going to prepare a ring of his own for when the time came.

Mammon

Mammon has a habit of going through your things. It had started as another profit-making venture. Some human items aren’t easy to come by in the Devildom, so he figured trifling through the new human exchange student’s things would be a good way to find something to sell.

But it became a way to learn more about you. Everything you had in your room told your story, and Mammon was intent on learning everything.

It was on a day you were out shopping with Luke that he decided to go through your drawers. You’d been dating a while now, and he wanted to see what you’d picked up on your last shopping trip with Asmo so he could see figure out a gift idea. He wanted to treat you but wasn’t sure exactly what to get so he decided to snoop for ideas.

When he saw the red velvet box, he thought it was for earrings initially, but when he opened it, he saw the two topaz gems sparkle. It was an engagement ring, with an inscription that said, “To my adorable Mammon, who stole my heart the day we met.”

Mammon has stopped working.exe.

He’s flustered, completely red in the face. He so overwhelmed with happiness and love for you at that moment all he can do is stare at the ring.

When he finally regains his composure, he puts back everything as he found it. He doesn’t want to push you to propose until you’re ready, but that doesn’t stop him from being the happiest demon in the Devildom.

Leviathan

Leviathan ventured into your room to set up a new gaming console he’d gotten from Akuzon. He was looking forward to spending the night with you playing games and having fun together.

It was while he was fiddling with the cords that he spied a ring box among some of the consoles neither of you had touched in a while.

Not wanting to accidentally knock it somewhere difficult to reach, he went to move the box. Upon picking it up, he noticed it was already open, and when he saw the contents his mouth dropped open.

The engagement ring inside was a silver band with three small orange sapphires in a triangle. Its inscription read “To remind my true love I’ll always adore them.”

“THEY’RE GOING TO PROPOSE TO ME?” he didn’t mean to shout that; he was just so shocked by his discovery it was automatic. You’re not only dating him, but you like him so much you want to MARRY him?

Tears welled up in his eyes. You genuinely loved him enough to want to propose. It was a scenario he’d only dreamt of, but it was real. For a moment he wondered if he’d isekaied into another world where all his dreams would come true. Still unsure if this was real, Levi sat on your bed and waited for your return.

When you returned to your room, you were immediately smothered in a hug by an equally nervous and ecstatic Leviathan, saying a scattering of “Yes” and “Do you really mean it?”

Satan

While Satan would usually head to the House of Lamentations library or search his room for his next book to read, sometimes he would head to your room and pick from your book selection.

He loved keeping up with the latest additions to your book collection and with many of your books coming from the human world, there was almost always something new for him to read there.

It was while you were cooking dinner that he made his way to your room to return some books and borrow more. After placing back the stack he had in his hands, he scanned the shelves until he had chosen a few.

Retrieving the first few was uneventful, but when he pulled out the final book and small box fell with it.

He internally panicked when it happened as he thought it was something breakable, but when he saw it was a small ring box, he grew confused.

Curiosity taking over, he picked up and opened the box. Inside was a stunning engagement ring, made of silver with four emeralds. Its inscription read “For my loving Satan. May we can spend eternity reading together.”

A smile graced his face when he realised when he was holding. To know you truly wanted him and only him made him swell with joy.

He placed the box back in its place, forgetting the books he’d come to collect as he headed back to his room, grin still present and plans to do something for you in turn already forming in his mind.

Asmodeus

Asmodeus was out shopping when he found the ring you’d bought for him. He’d skipped school to go shopping and had wanted you to come, but you were roped into doing school council tasks for Lucifer before he could slip you out.

He wasn’t going to let this opportunity go to waste though, and he’d been checking out all the new outfits and accessories that had been released since his last visit. He was having a great time and made sure to buy anything he thought would suit you best too.

He had finished buying a new pair of earrings when he was stopped by one of the demon clerks. They said your order was ready, and since their courier was sick, asked if he could take it for you.

Agreeing, they handed him the box and he made his way from the store. He couldn’t glean much about its content other than it was small, perhaps a pair of earrings or a necklace. You’d mentioned wanting to update some of your older jewellery pieces after all.

Wondering what you’d had custom made, he pulled the box from its bag and opened it, nearly jumped for joy when he was the engagement ring within.

He loved the design. The gold band fit perfectly with the five argyle diamonds that were grouped to resemble the outline of a star. And the inscription that read “Never forget I love all of you”.

Slipping the box safely into his pocket, Asmodeus rushed home and began to start pulling together wedding ideas for you two to discuss.

Beelzebub

The nose of a hungry Beelzebub is the most dangerous thing any piece of food can encounter, as anything that nose picks up will soon be eaten. That was the fate of a pile of snacks you’d stowed away in your room, hoping to keep your food-loving boyfriend from eating them.

He lifted your pillow and spied the food hidden there. His attention consumed by it, he began devouring everything in sight, and soon there was nothing edible left.

He noticed it when he was picking up the wrappers. A box stuck between your bed and bedside table. His thoughts immediately shot to it being the final snack that he’d almost missed, so he reached for it.

The box didn’t resemble any food brand he’d ever seen, but this didn’t deter Beel from opening it to check.

The engagement ring withing had a silver band and featured a large ruby surrounded by five smaller ones. It was custom made, evident by it appearing large enough to fit on Beel’s finger and the inscription that stated, “I look forward to snacking eternally with you”.

A happy smile graced his face and red flushed his cheeks. His heartfelt wish of marrying you was going to come true, and he was happy.

He put the box back where he found it and left your room, taking the wrappers from his snack massacre with him.

While he doesn’t tell you what he found, you do notice him smile at you a lot more, especially when he thought you weren’t looking.

Belphegor

With his favourite pillow in the wash, Belphegor was on the prowl for another pillow to use until his original was returned.

Naturally, with you learning magic with Solomon at Purgatory Hall a pillow from your room was a natural choice. You had an excellent mind when choosing the most comfortable pillows and the ones from your room always reminded you of him when you couldn’t be there to nap with him.

He pulled a pillow from the stack and went to make himself comfortable on your bed. He planned on napping until you returned, so napping in your room was the best place.

However, when Belphegor placed his head on the pillow there was a solid lump that made it impossible to get comfortable.

Zipping open the pillow he retrieved a ring box. Opening it he saw, to his immediate joy, an engagement ring.

The ring had several small purple crystals on a gold band. Inscribed on the band were the words “I look forward to snuggling forever with you”.

He wasn’t sure why you though a pillow was the best hiding place, maybe it was because you had such a huge variety of pillows and his brothers accidentally find it there? Regardless he’s please you loved him enough to want to propose.

Stuffing the box back into the pillow, he puts the pillow back and gets another, returning to your bed to nap with a smile on his face.

[a-muppet-from-hell]

Gn!Mc Scaring the brothers with the lion/tiger growl paper towel roll Tik Tok trend.

Very long title trying to say the paper towel roll trick, enjoy!

🦚Lucifer 🦚

The only way to catch him off guard would be when he gets his 50th coffee at 3am.

It’s the only time he will let his guard down enough because the six causes of his grey hairs are sleep or hold up in their room for the night.

That is until you get hold of a paper towel roll and currently stalking the eldest in the dark into the large kitchen.

This can go either one of two ways: You wait until he has his coffee in hand or just before.

Before: He will slam is hands against the counter as he jumps and whips his head around only to let out a sigh as he makes eye contact.

“You think you’re very funny, don’t you Mc?” He says as crimson eyes glare at you from the darkness.

Be prepared not to sleep peacefully for the next week, there will be monstrous noises coming from every corner of your room just as you’re dozing off to sleep.

After: His full body whips around and stares wide eyed as just scolding hot coffee just flys out of the mug onto you.

“That’s what happens when you do things like that.” He scolds, turning on a light and making sure you’re okay.

He doesn’t apologize for the coffee thing as he thinks that’s just karma from startling scaring him.

💰Mammon💰

Mans is already afraid of his own shadow, you’re lucky you didn’t give him a heart attack.

You get him while he is off in wonderland thinking about his next greatest money making scheme.

You get right behind him, the tip of the roll just barely touching his hair and let it lose.

The shriek he lets out is enough to cause ringing in your ears for the next few minutes.

“Aahh- oh hey Mc, how are ya?” He’ll say, just totally ignoring the fact he made the equivalent of a reverbed barn owl screech.

It slowly be comes a competition of who can scare the other the most, which doesn’t sit well with the other members of the house as Mammon’s shrieks can be heard throughout the entirety of the Devildom.

🐍Levi🐍

It’s other one that would have to be pulled off in weird circumstances, he has headphones on 90% of the time and never seems to sleep.

So you get him while he’s binge watching the TSL, he doesn’t even hear you come in since he has it at max volume.

You wait until there is a very quite moment, perch on the other side of the tub while he is transfixed on the scene playing out before him.

He screams, jumps, and almost face plants into the tiled floor.

“M-M-Mc?! You normie! I can’t belie-” He just rants at you, complaining that you entered his room unannounced and disturbed him in his binging of a movie that he’s seen more times than the years you been alive.

The only way to make it up to him is binging a whole two weeks worth of anime and nothing less.

🐈Satan🐈

He’s bed faces his door, so there is no way you’re sneaking in there (plus the amount of traps he has so Mammon doesn’t steal his stuff).

So you get him when he least expects it, while he’s on cooking duty.

This great idea only pops in your head when Levi tells Satan not to save him a plate as he wishes to binge another longed titled anime that says the plot.

You mange to sneak into the kitchen unnoticed and stand behind him, poised to move out of the way of any flying kitchen utensils.

Only when you make the sound, to have it made right back at you.

There is a very long silence as you two just stare at each other, there is no words exchanged.

You don’t know what your more confused about, the fact that he can just make the sound on command or his first reaction was to make the sound back.

Sufficed to say that you don’t really try again.

🛍Asmo🛍

To be on the safe side, you won’t do it while he is doing his makeup or nails as messing them up most likely results in death.

So you do it while he is gossiping to Solomon about something that annoyed him.

Creeping up to him, you position yourself so the roll is just behind him.

He yelps as he throws his phone, the faint laugher from the sorcerer can just be heard.

You are very lucky that ddds are built for demons or Asmo would have been a lot more annoyed than he already was.

“Mc! I could’ve broke a nail! Scaring people isn’t good for their skin!” Asmo whines as he retrieves the thrown phone, Solomon still cracking up on the other side.

He’s very pouty for the next couple of hours until you apologize and offer to pamper him.

🍔Beel🍔

You decide to get him when he’s going for that lunch time snack.

Tasked by Lucifer, you gotta make sure Beel doesn’t eat the things inside the fridge and the fridge itself, so you decide to have some fun while you’re at it.

So at twelve on the dot, you come and peak into the kitchen, to see Beel just about to open the fridge door.

You sneak up behind the gentle giant, ready to duct at any moment.

Beel jumps and turns to look at you with wide eyes.

(Stoop! You coulda made me drop my croissant!) ”Oh, it’s just you, Mc.” He gives you a closed eyes smile, happy that some big cat isn’t in the house.

You kinda feel bad.

🐄Belphie🐄

He won’t wake up even if the world was ending.

So you get him at his most irritable, his post school nap.

He isn’t even out of his rad uniform as he crashes onto the couch.

It is a race against the clock to get him just before he sleeps like the dead.

Oh and when you do, he snarls right back, ready to fight.

If only looks could kill, he would have been the cause of your second death.

He says nothing as he forces you to become a breathing body pillow before knocking out, you might wanna call Beel if you want out of this fate.

Hoped you enjoyed! Undatables, nowdatables, whatever they are: Here! Also Masterlist

[oh-boy-me]

How would the brothers, diavolo and Solomon. (I'm so sorry if that's too much you don't have to do all of them I'm just curious) react with MC who is super clumsy and is always getting hurt on accident? Thank you so much. ❤️❤️

More characters will take a little bit longer to get out, but no character count is too many!  I hope you like this ^^

Lucifer:

It is Lucifer’s job to make sure they survive this year, and MC keeps tripping and falling which is NOT how one survives.  If he hadn’t caught them on Monday, they would have fallen down the stairs.  If he hadn’t caught them on Tuesday, they would have run face first into a door!  It’s only Wednesday and Lucifer can’t get any sleep, thinking that every creak in the floorboards is MC on their way to some unknown danger.

One of Diavolo’s prized exchange students poking their eye out on the dining room table is a big no no, so he essentially gives MC an ultimatum.  Either they be more careful, or he will baby-proof the entire House of Lamentation.

If they drop and break things often he may just bar them from ever entering his study.

With all that said, he cares more about MC’s condition than his house’s condition, so he always makes sure they’re ok before lecturing them on paying attention to their surroundings.

Mammon:

The first three days of MC’s time in the Devildom?  Couldn’t care less; a sinkhole could swallow them up in front of him and it wouldn’t be any lost sleep on his part.  What was a bruised elbow?

The other 362 days?  You’d think HE was the one that got hurt with how he gets over it.  The whole House of Lamentation knows when MC has gone and done something clumsy, because Mammon’s “oh shit!” rings clearly through the hallways.

Asks if they’re ok for far longer than is necessary.  If he doesn’t believe them when they insist they’re fine, he quizzes them on how many fingers he’s holding up.  Even if it was a papercut.

He’s shit at patching someone up, but he still insists on doing it himself.

Ironically, for panicking the most he does the least to prevent MC from hurting themself.

Over time he’ll probably learn to mellow out and recognize when MC is actually hurt and when they’re just bumped.  Probably.

Leviathan:

lmao n00b

Leviathan’s first instinct is to laugh, which he feels super bad about, but ROFLMAO this normie can’t even walk straight IRL without tripping and falling.

After that he does make sure they’re ok, and that they don’t need any ice or bandages or anything.  If they aren’t ok, he panics a bit and gets another brother to help them out, most likely Lucifer or Asmo.  Over time, he may be able to handle it himself, but for now that was real human blood okay?!  He wasn’t ready for that, he felt faint.

Honestly he’s probably the chillest demon about it; he’s clumsy himself, especially when he gets distracted.

Eventually he gets so used to their lack of coordination that when they leave his room he calls out the objects on his floor for them to avoid, finishing off with “door!”  He doesn’t have to look up from his game to do this.

Satan:

Satan tries to warn MC when they’re about to bump into something, but he always seems to be a bit too late.

He went on WebMD once and now he’s convinced that every single time MC hits their head they have a concussion.  He also read that they’re not uncommon and not deadly (for the most part) so he also doesn’t really… do anything about it?  He just kind of sits in silent anxiety.

Whenever he invites MC out, he does his best to stay alert so he can avert any disasters.  Books falling off shelves?  MC falling off book ladders?  Satan’s there to catch them.  Cooking together?  Why don’t they let him handle the cutting?

With practice, he gets very good at catching them right before they trip.  He always, always makes the “falling for me” joke.  Unless they were about to go down the stairs.  Then he yells at them.  Don’t scare him like that, goodness.

Asmodeus:

Asmodeus doesn’t really mind how clumsy MC can be--he thinks their lack of coordination is endearing.

However, that doesn’t mean that precautions can’t be taken!  If MC includes makeup in their daily routine, they are now banned from doing it themselves.  What if they drop the bottle and waste its contents?  This is absolutely just an excuse to play makeup artist, and he’ll only try to deny it once.

Bumping into things gives humans bruises REALLY fast, which is NOT the look we are going for, thank you very much.  Whenever MC runs into something, he laments the eventual discolored spot in what may as well be a eulogy for their skin with how dramatic he gets.

If MC actually got considerably hurt, though, the drama would fly out the window.  Asmo would get them properly patched up right away, without a single word coming out of his mouth.

Later on he will dramatically complain that they nearly died on him, though.

Beelzebub:

Beelzebub is an interesting case, because while he does get concerned about them when they get hurt, he also can tell that it’s nothing major.  As an athlete, he knows how to identify signs of an actual serious injury.

His answer to basically every injury is ice, so his precautions mainly consist of making sure the freezer's ice machine is stocked and working.

He has a very bad habit of poking the spot that got hurt, and his “sorry” afterwards is enough to break even the stoniest of hearts.  He’s very afraid that he’s more dangerous to them than the kitchen counter ever could be, so MC will have to reassure him that his soft poke didn’t shatter their arm.

Beel recommends that MC does some core exercises with him, since a strong core is good for coordination.  He also reminds them to not multitask too much and get some sleep.  Essentially he’s the only one here with actual solutions.

Belphegor:

Belphie outwardly complains about how clumsy they are and how inconvenient it is, while internally worried sick about whether or not they’re alright.

For some reason he doesn’t even hide his worry when MC bumps into something.  MC hurt themself with a sharp object?  Be more careful next time, stupid.  MC trips and sprains their ankle?  Geez, if they hadn’t been going so fast, this wouldn’t have happened.  MC bumps into a dresser?  Oh shit are they ok???

He’s also frustrated about the fact that they’re most likely getting hurt when he’s not there, since he’s so often asleep, and so many of his hangout ideas equate to taking naps.  Like hell is he trusting his brothers to keep MC from banging into every hard surface.

If they roll out of bed, the thud may give him a heart attack right then and there.

This may be one of the few things that he has more anxiety than Beel over.

Diavolo:

The first time they trip, Diavolo nearly has someone call an ambulance, even though demons are very capable of tripping as well.  MC is human, though, and his gauge of human fragility is essentially just a guess at that point.

Well, it turns out that humans literally Do Not Care™ about most injuries, which is first of all a huge relief and second of all SO fascinating??  They’re made of glass when compared to a demon, but they get back on their feet as fast as possible.  You go, you funky humans.

At the same time, Diavolo has a hard time practicing what he preaches; while he celebrates this newfound discovery that his exchange program brought about, he still freaks out whenever MC says “ow.”

When it does happen, he kind of just freezes up so it’s not like he was being of much help even if a stubbed toe could kill a human.

Lucifer threatened to baby-proof the House of Lamentation, but Diavolo really might go through with baby-proofing the student council room.  At least he doesn’t try to involve the hospital anymore.

Solomon:

Solomon is a human too, so he knows that MC is just a klutz and not in much real danger.

He knows that anything MC is holding is in more danger than MC themself most of the time, and he knows that all MC really needs to get back on their feet is a quick “you good down there?” and a hand to help them up.

That said, he’s very protective of his own stuff while MC is around.  If something actually does happen to it it’s no hard feelings, but until then he does his best to keep them far away from anything breakable or dangerous.

And of course if it was more than a bump, as a fellow human he’s got that covered too.

Like Asmo, at the end of the day he thinks it’s kind of cute.

He’s not really sure why the others so often volunteer MC to carry his dishes out of the kitchen when he cooks?  They know MC has a high chance of dropping things.  It’s almost like they don’t want to eat what he makes, but that couldn’t be true, right?

Masterlist

[sondepoch]

Silly Human, Surrounded by Demons

Every single book from the human world warned you against them.

The lessons were built into the very foundation of your mind, concepts that you should have committed to your heart long before you ever came to the Devildom.

Demons lie. Demons sin. Demons kill. And they have no qualms about any of their transgressions.

What foolery ever made you think they were different? What ignorance compelled you to believe the utter shit that Diavolo spewed into your ear? What raw stupidity made you think that these manifestations of evil were good?

It feels so obvious now—all the signs.

And there were so many goddamn signs.

You should have raised your eyebrows when you learned that RAD was a school. You should have guarded your heart from that very second, because why the fuck would these creatures that have lived thousands of years need to pursue an education for that long? Humans can hardly tolerate two decades of education before taking up a new occupation; millennia is torture.

But when Lucifer spoke about the student exchange program, you nodded along dumbly. Too mesmerized by the grandeur of the hall around you and the beauty of the men in front of you to ever realize how they stared at you like meat, as if you were being slow-cooked to perfection before their very eyes and they were just waiting for the moment when they could eat you.

They even made jokes about it, didn't they?

Beel's unending comments about his hunger, all made while staring straight into your eyes. Asmo's repeated jokes about tasting you, jokes that always felt more anticipating than they did sexual. Mammon's constant refusal to let other demons near you, saying that they would spoil you. Like you were milk and he didn't want you to curdle. Like you were a soul he was waiting to devour, and he didn't want you to get dirty.

Of course, you never picked up on it. You smiled when they smiled and laughed when they laughed, never realizing that their humor was sourced from your utter ignorance.

How blind you were.

It was as if the moment you entered the Devildom, your brain completely shut off.

You never questioned the strangeness of Simeon's demeanor. Barely thought twice about how his outfit was hardly fit for an angel, merely deluded yourself into thinking that the softness of his hair correlated to a softness in his nature. You never realized that he and Luke were the only creatures to stay in their humanoid form. That they never revealed any halos or wings to you. That they emanated the same spirit of darkness as all the demons around you, the only difference being a superficial change in their uniforms and the title "angel" that had been cast upon their shoulders, a lie to delude you into a sense of security.

And it worked.

You felt at home with the demons, and you felt so safe every time you encountered the false angels.

Why, you suppose Luke did the best job of them all.

It's an impressive feat, given that he is the youngest—but now that all the demons you've come to know have transformed into their true forms, you realize that his childlike appearance was nothing more than a trick of magic. That every ounce of hatred he claimed to bear for demons was one meant for your kind. That you had been wholly and utterly deceived by a demon you once named your adopted little brother, the creature no more an angel at heart than he is a sibling to you.

The very thought sends a pang of pain straight to your heart.

A shudder runs of your spine, the instinctive movement only serving to further alert you in your conditions, but no amount of adrenaline can save you now.

You can hardly see. You can hardly hear. You can hardly feel, save for the cold sensation of the iron shackles that hold your body up.

But you can think.

And the more you think, the more obvious it all becomes.

It never struck you as odd that an ancient king of Israel was your classmate. No, you bought into the notion that you were truly at RAD because you were an exchange student, and you believed Diavolo when he said that Solomon was just like you.

A lie.

One among many.

The sorcerer was your only chance to live, your only chance to escape. He was the only man you met who wasn't a demon, who wasn't quietly laughing at your every move, who wasn't waiting to feast on your soul. Solomon was the only out you ever had—and maybe, just maybe, if you had taken the opportunity to befriend him, he might have told you the truth of your situation and helped you leave.

But from the very first day, Lucifer warned you that Solomon was shady. That Solomon was evil. That Solomon would hurt you.

And so put up your defenses against the only person who might have saved you.

But then again, isn't he the man who doomed you in the first place?

A weak sound vibrates in your throat as you attempt to speak, but the magic that binds you is even stronger than the iron around your wrists. Your voice is gone, the equivalent of nothing when faced with such potent magic. The reality of your situation weighs on your shoulder, weighs on your soul.

It is the final push you need.

You can practically feel the moment your soul splits, your resolve shattering alongside your heart, the essence of you opening up like a clam to reveal a most beautiful pearl inside.

The sound of laughter, sharp and cruel, rings out from in front of you, and you hear the voice of the only other human in the realm.

"There it is," He drawls, his voice penetrating the magic he's wrapped you in to keep your senses dulled. "Seasoned to perfection."

"And so it is." Diavolo's voice echoes inside the small chambers of your foolish, foolish brain." I think this soul might be your best work yet, Solomon."

A pause. Long, but only because Diavolo knows that it tortures you to be unable to move or see, only able to cling to the fragments of what you can hear.

"This is what, Solomon? The seventy-fourth?"

"The seventy-third."

"Very well. I'd choose for you, but this human's soul looks especially...appetizing." If you weren't frozen in place, the tone in Diavolo's voice would make you tremble. "You may select anyone in this room."

And there it is.

The truth you should have seen from the start.

A human soul in exchange for a demon's pledge. A feast for many in exchange for a pact between two. The peak of temptation in exchange for the epitome of strength.

The clues were always there. But you've only pieced them together when it's too late.

You don't need to see to know that Solomon is approaching Lucifer. You don't need to hear to understand the circumstances that have killed you. It is perhaps the first time you don't even need to think to know such an intrinsic truth, that the mage has used you in his quest for power, his quest for control, his quest for strength, a journey which renders lives like yours nothing but casualties along the way.

"Would you like me to remove the magic before you begin your feast?"

"Yes." Immediately, a rush of sensation overcomes your body, the coldness of the air stinging your skin. And then your senses are on fire. "After all, the human soul is so much more delicious when it is in pain."

Your mouth opens the moment Solomon's magic releases you from its bounds. You're ready to beg. To plead. To cry and strip yourself of every ounce of dignity if it means you won't need to bear the agony of having your soul ripped to shreds and eaten by the demons around you.

But the only sound that leaves your mouth is a deafening scream, because they've already begun to devour you.

And you have to ask yourself once more: how dumb can you possibly be?

There is no hope, there is no salvation. There never was and there never will be.

There is only pain as you listen to your screams mingled with Solomon's receding footsteps as he walks away from his freshly-made pact and the demons who remain, little gasps of pleasure rolling off their tongues as they savor the most delicious meal they've had in millennia.

And between the most excruciating pain you've ever felt and the overwhelming sense of betrayal that paints your agony darker, a single mantra echoes in your mind.

You should have known they were lying.

It is your final thought, before pain trumps all else and even your thoughts have been set afire.

You should have known they were lying.

[maxxielulu]

we were meant to be...

Satan x Solomon | Satan x Simeon | Angst + Sad Simeon |

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A/n: also credit to my internet friend @you-were-solstice

He came up with the idea, we're talking about it with some other friends in a chat room, Honestly I thought his idea was really cool and unique so I decided to use it, credit for him for coming up with the idea, anyways enjoy.

Edit: I had to edit this multiple times just so I can get the song right please I suffered enough for this 🛐

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Simeon had deep feelings for Satan, though had never told anybody about it, it was a secret between him and himself although Lucifer had hints that He knew that Simeon had a crush on his little brother, it didn't really change anything it wasn't exactly awkward, but he supported it.

On the day that Simon was going to confess his feelings to Satan, he brought Satan's favorite book and chocolates and dressing sharp and formal as he enters the house of lamentation and then starts heading towards the library that they have, he spot Satan and also... Solomon? soon he stopped and stood in his tracks, seeing Solomon and Satan hugging he thought he misunderstood the situation, as soon as he took a few steps forward towards them.

He saw them both kissing, passionately it broke his heart he didn't want to make it worse so he left without getting noticed leaving the gifts he was supposed to give to him on a near by table.

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Simeon's POV:

________________________________________________

Bitter... It was so bitter, I didn't like it when Satan was wrapped around Solomon's finger tightly, it just didn't feel right that should have been me kissing him, laughing, taking him on dates, make him the only person that I care about in the world but no... That's not it I know I feel a bit... Jealous but I'll leave them alone and won't get in between... it's the least thing I could do.

As Simeon was thinking about all the moments that he had with Satan and of what happened, he heard a knock on his door.

*knock knock knock*

Luke: Simeon what are you doing you, promised to bake with me earlier!!

As a sight relief comes out of simeon's mouth he than murmured ' it's only Luke thank the Lord '

He got up and went to the door and opened it, seeing a pouting little child at his front door, "Ah, sorry Luke I got caught up with something and I mostly forgot, I'll be out in a bit and help you with cooking ok?" Simeon beamed a smile, a fake smile but Luke couldn't see through it, he only smiled back in response "ok, but don't be late again."

And walked off, Simeon closes his door and gets ready to help Luke with cooking.

.

.

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*zzrp zrp zrp*

While Simeon is cleaning up the kitchen he hears his phone ringing on the counter table, he picks it up and presses answer.

Simeon: "Hello..?"

Lucifer: "Ah, Simeon nice to hear you how are you?"

'Lucifer?.. why is he calling me...?'

Simeon: "uh not to be a bit nosy but... Lucifer, why did you call me?

*long pause of silence*

Simeon: Lucif—

Lucifer: you saw them earlier today right?

Simeon: !!...

'Exactly straight to the points, typical Lucifer as always'

Simeon: u-uh.. yes I— have... why?

Lucifer: well when you left, Satan recognize your gift on the table but he didn't notice you leaving out the door he didn't know who was from but I only called to inform you about it, and also check if you were okay nothing more.

Simeon: well... I'm still trying to recover over... what happened but I'm ok, really I'm.. ok.

'!.. I never seen Lucifer react like this before... Life really has surprises'

Lucifer: ... All right then suit yourself, but even so if you do need to a shoulder to cry on or lean on just reach out.

Simeon: I will... I have to go now I'll call you later when I'm available tomorrow.

Lucifer: *sighs* alright goodbye Simeon.

Simeon: goodbye Lucifer.

*call ends*

Simeon: ... I'll just go to bed, Luke is already asleep...

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As Simeon is walking through the hall to his bedroom he bumps into somebody

Simeon: oof!.. oh I'm sorry luk—

Simeon Frozen in shock only to see is white haired roommate... Solomon

Solomon: oh it's okay Simeon, ....uh- are you doing okay you have a weird look on your face..

As Solomon stares into Simeon with confusion Simeon shakes out of it, laughs a little nervously and apologizes.

Simeon: .....ah, I'm deeply sorry Solomon.. I'll head to my room see you tomorrow.

Solomon: ...

While Simeon rushes to his room, Solomon tries to figure out what he do wrong to give him that kind of reaction but he'll never know maybe he can try to figure it out with Satan.... Yes maybe.

°end of part one part two coming soon°

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[sparklingichigo]

Ova II - Time Travel

Haha, jokes on Barbatos, those three are still going for this time travel. He needs a raise, man, poor Barb.

Barbatos: Okay, one rule, don't meet yourselves, especially interacting with them.

Solomon: Got it!

With that, Barbatos moves them to the past where Simeon was not close with Haruka and still dating Satan. Of course, as we can see, they have a pretty beautiful relationship if we put aside Satan's anger. Now....to put the past selves to sleep.

Barbatos: [sigh and did what he can to cause the past selves to sleep]

Solomon: What about the body?

Barbatos: I'll handle it! Go!

The three humans go in different directions. Solomon enters the purgatory hall since that's where he's supposed to be. While Haruka and Ichigo go to the house of lamentation. On their way, unfortunately, they met a particular tall demon.

Ichigo, internally: Sht-

Beel: Oh, you're home already! Luke is looking for you.

Ichigo: Oh really? Where is he?

Beel: Well, he did go to our house, and he dropped these [shows a basket]

Ichigo: Oh! More desserts, alright then. You can have them if you want :D

Beel: Are you sure?

Ichigo: Yep, I'm still a little busy now, but I'm sure to join you!

Beel: oh..okay then :D

With that, Haruka and Ichigo finally escaped Beel. Now onto the mission. This was days before the exam where Ichigo, Haruka, Satan, and Solomon are supposed to be in the library taking books, and that's the exact moment Simeon keeps on texting Haruka to come to purgatory hall. So here they are, doing exactly what happened in that time frame, but this time Haruka shuts down her phone so Simeon won't be able to reach her.

Ichigo, internally: Good choice

Haruka: Right? This way, Simeon won't be able to contact me, and Satan wouldn't be annoyed.

Solomon: That's smart

Satan confusedly stares at these three humans in real life because they suddenly blanked out in the middle of the library.

Satan: Are you guys okay?

Ichigo: Yeah, yeah, we're fine!

Satan: Alright. Haruka, come this way [drags Haruka away by her hand]

Haruka: Eh? Why?

Satan: The history section is this way. Those are magical books. They're for Ichigo and Solomon.

Haruka: Ah... Alright^^

As Haruka gets dragged, she can hear Solomon and Ichigo cackling in her head.

Solomon: Okay, now imagine that but Simeon-

Ichigo: nooo [cackling hard]

Solomon: I think we'll see the day Simeon dragging her around like that.

Ichigo: It'd be too funny-

Haruka: Can yall stop;-;

Ichigo and Solomon: [still cackling]

Ichigo: Okay, I think we gotta stop. The librarian is staring at us

Solomon: Oh yea-

The two finally get out of the telepathic chatroom, leaving Haruka alone. In the history session of the library, Satan is, of course, collecting books for her and putting them into a trolley.

Haruka: That's a lot of books...

Satan: Oh, don't worry, you're only getting around 10% of those. The others are for me to read^^

Haruka: I see... [sweat drops]

After collecting the books, Haruka also finds some books exciting, but she can't reach them because of her height. She keeps jumping, trying to get that until she finds Satan behind her and goes for the book.

Satan: Here you go^^

Haruka: Thanks.... [realizes they're close] Uhm-

Haruka's heart is beating quite fast while the man behind her? He looks as smug as ever.

Satan: Well then, indeed. Didn't know you'd press back against me-

Haruka: What- no! No, I didn't! Can we just get a seat? Please?

Satan: Sure^^. Didn't know I'd seen you as red as a tomato. Adorable- [walks away like nothing happened]

Somewhere Solomon and Ichigo are cackling again. This is one hell of a funny time travel. Of course, they'll probably get punished by Barbatos for not doing the mission, but it's hilarious-

Haruka: Just shut up!

Ichigo: It's too funny, help-

Solomon: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Haruka: Shut it, Solomon!

Solomon: I can't help it, it's too funny! I mean, it's more fun this way, isn't it? You have more thrill in your relationship-

Ichigo: Ah yes, the sexual tension-

Haruka: What-

Ichigo: What?

Solomon: I-

Suddenly Haruka hears footsteps and a concerned Satan in front of her.

Satan: Haruka, aren't you coming?

Haruka: Y-yeah! I am! I'm just getting this book-

Satan: Okay, come on, your exam is tomorrow, right?

Haruka: Y-yeah o///o

Somewhere, Simeon is trying his best to contact Haruka, but nothing is working until he finds Barbatos by his door.

Simeon: Barbatos?

Barbatos: Hello^^ Do you mind some tea?

Simeon: Oh sure, I'm free^^

Barbatos: Perfect, the Lord is inviting you for some tea today^^

Simeon: He is? Why hasn't he contacted me?

Barbatos: He sent me instead^^. Come along.

With that, Simeon and Barbatos go to the Demon Lord's castle to have tea together. Mission 1, done! Now back to the library, Haruka and Satan learn together, and there is no sign of Ichigo and Solomon.

Haruka:...Are Ichigo and Solomon coming with us?

Satan: Guess not. Perhaps they're on their own section. So, any questions besides that?

Haruka: So... Michael is the one who stabbed Lucifer, throwing him all the way here. What about the others?

Satan: I don't think it's stated here. Let's go find another book, maybe with more details, perhaps this.

Haruka: ...that's a bible-

Satan: I know-

Haruka: How are you not burned?!

Satan: Nah, Nah, I'm joking. It's a casual book. It does look a lot like those Christian bibles I see in the human world. They are pretty interesting, I must say.

Haruka: What do you mean?

Satan: They have interesting stories, but I hate that they view Lucifer and me as the same being. But anyway, that's not why we're here.

The day went on casually. Luckily Haruka and Simeon still don't end up together since Simeon is busy thanks to Barbatos or Solomon, perhaps Michael as well, but he's swamped. Haruka is, of course, still happily dating Satan even though he got offended a lot, but it's all good since he's trying his best to be better.

But now it's time to go back to the future. Once Barbatos and the humans are back, Haruka finds her ring turning into an emerald stone with a diamond surrounding it.

Haruka:...

Satan: Babe!! Dinner is ready!! [entering the room unannounced]

Haruka: Huh?

Satan: What's wrong?

Haruka: It's nothing, it's the ring...

Satan: What's wrong with it? Is it not your taste?

Haruka: N-no, it's fine. I just find it pretty as always^^

Satan: Aww, okay then^^

Lucifer: Is she up for dinner yet? It's Ichigo's turn today, so I'm sure the food is trusted-

Haruka: I am, I am! Hold on! [finally gets out of her room]

But once she's out, she doesn't find Simeon and the other angels. She looks around, trying to find the angels, but none of them are there.

Satan: What's wrong?

Haruka: Did we travel with the angels?

Satan: Oh, we did^^ They're just quite busy today since there is a lot of work up there. They'll be here soon.

Haruka: I see...

Satan: Come on, I think they're back already.

Haruka: Okay, let's go^^

As they walk to the dining room, the two pass by Barbatos, calling for Lord Diavolo. Barbatos gives her a code that they succeed with the mission. The two of them finally sit down at the dining table. The conversation starts with Asmo,

Asmo: So, Beel, when are you proposing to Ichigo-

Ichigo: Eh?!

Beel: What? [chokes on his food]

Lucifer: [tries not to laugh]

Belphie: pfft-

Solomon: Yeah, when?

Levi: She can't wait anytime longer. You guys have been dating for 1 year!

Mammon: I can help if yall need some jewelry advice!

Lucifer: I'd certainly not trust you with this kind of thing!

Mammon: Oh, come on!

Ichigo: [laughs nervously] I don't think we're ready for that...

Beel: You're not?

Ichigo; What- Uh- o///o I mean if you are...

Beel: We'll see^^

Ichigo: Shut it and just eat your food >///>

Suddenly the door was opened with the angels finally done with their work up there, including Luke.

Luke: We're baaaacck!!!

Haruka: Oh! You guys are back!

Simeon: We are ^^ Oh my, that's a lot of food, who cooked all this? :o

Diavolo: Ichigo and Barbatos, as always^^ Such an outstanding performance as always Barbatos.

Barbatos: All the best for you, M'lord ^^

Simeon: Well, if it's Barbatos and Ichigo, I'm sure it's delicious! Come on, Luke, let's dig in!

Luke: Yay!

That night ends with a peaceful dinner as everyone has fun. Luckily, Simeon has 0 feelings for Haruka and is now more focused on taking care of Luke and being a pure angel. Haruka and Satan are now happily engaged and are now planning their wedding soon.

Asmo: Wedding? I'm glad you asked. I've planned this since day one- [throws in a big binder]

Satan: What-

Haruka: oh my goodness!

Asmo: I know, come on, let's start discussing!

Yeah, that's pretty much the result of the time travel clownery. Guess, either way, Haruka gets her happiness, which is good for her. Also, kudos to Satan for making the relationship more thrilling.

[kitkat-the-muffin]

Obey Me: Shall We Date explained by someone who hasn’t played the game but is dating a fanatic:

It’s a mobile dating sim where you romance 7 demons into doing your bidding and idk you dance or something to upgrade their friendship stats. Also there are undateables who everyone wants to date except for the 10 year old.

Lucifer:

One pridey boi.

Definitely 100% dating the Prince of Hell.

Wears gloves for glove reasons.

Hasn’t slept since [insert random year here]

Diamond on his forehead? Yeah ok that’s hot.

Probably gay I mean he’s literally PRIDE hahaha-

Has too much paperwork to deal with.

Hates Satan for being born.

Mammon:

One greedy boi.

Names his credit cards.

Reminds me of both Strider brothers.

Proud father of a smol bb bein raised by some witches.

Doesn’t like Lucifer for shoving his credit card in a fridge.

Apparently also has a son with a very unfortunate name.

Leviathan:

One envy boi.

A massive otaku.

His favorite book series is “Obey Me: Shall We Date: Human Au.”

Apparently has no character arc yet.

He control the f i s h.

You must know the password to enter his fan club.

Satan:

One wrathy boi.

Once flooded the house with cats.

Lucifer’s literal son, therefore daddy-issues ensue.

He has really bad fashion sense. 0/10 would never go shopping with, but would go shopping for.

Apparently the “smart one” but also very much not the smart one.

He has a hair curl that reminds me of America from Hetalia.

Asmodeus:

One lusty boi.

Ironically, everyone hates him except you.

Well not hate, but you are the only one who ever treats him like a person. Also ironic since he’s a demon.

A soft boyo who needs hugs.

Apparently the only one who doesn’t have a kiss scene. Eh, probably for the best I mean he is lust.

Absolutely fabulous. 10/10 would go shopping with.

Beelzebub:

One gluttony boi.

A ginger who probably eats other gingers.

Also has a cool jacket.

Infinite stomach. Probably has eaten non-edibles before.

He’s definitely eaten non-edibles before.

Actually a nice guy I think. I never hear anything bad about him.

Belphegor:

One slothy boi.

Definitely not a human.

Always has a pillow for nap time.

Not the toilet demon from Persona.

Belphie is a cute nickname.

He apparently kills you after you help him cause he’s racist.

I usually confuse him with Levi until I see his gray hairs hahah he’s OLD-

Oh heck gotta run he heard that bookinit-

Diavolo:

One princey boi.

Definitely 100% dating the Avatar of Pride.

Pranks everyone all the time every day.

Radical.

Principal of his own school.

Or should I say, princeipal. Hahah.

Barbatos:

One servanty boi.

I actually don’t know much about him.

Cooks probably. With angels.

Does whatever Diavolo says cause he’s da Prince yo.

Simeon:

One heavenly boi.

Wrote “Obey Me: Shall We Date: Human Au.”

Has hot hips.

A really nice guy with wavy hair. Wouldn’t be surprised if it waved back.

Good friends with a smol angel boi.

Luke:

One smol boi.

Looks like Sealand from Hetalia.

Probably acts like Sealand from Hetalia.

Bork bork. Bark bark. Yip.

Racist against demons.

Solomon:

One wizardy boi.

The only other human in the area.

Immediately gained access to Levi’s fan club.

Underappreciated. Probably.

Overly dramatic. Probably.

I’d confuse him for Mammon if Mammom didn’t have a tan. Probably.

Karasu:

One digital boi.

Siri.

Sadly Levi’s best friend.

Yuki (MC):

One protagonisty chiald.

Probably not actually a child.

Probably not female. Probably not male either.

Has no confirmed gender.

Is YOUUUUUUUUUU.

Human descendant of a demon, coincidentally the sister of the 7 deadly sins.

Has been to both Heaven and Hell before.

The one ring to rule them all...

@felix-the-lemon-king Please rate my accuracy on a scale from 1-10.

[harrythegreekblr]

No one in Ohio adoption crime ring will be charged with selling children

https://brassballs.blog/home/boyko-network-evil-behind-lisa-page-child-trafficking-ring-bush-margaret-cole-parris-mirambe-robin-longoria-hughes-dewine-barr-abuse-adoption-european-eac-strongsville-jens-kuhn-battelle-tunnell

Instead, the 34 defendants are being charged with fraud and conspiracy.

None have been charged with child trafficking.

Nor do they expect to be.

Defense attorneys admitted last week in 45-pages of court filings that 30 persons were charged in 2010.

They all used to work for European Adoption Consultants (EAC) in Strongsville, Ohio, a Cleveland suburb.

Who said EAC was selling children?

The Justice Department did.

https://travel.state.gov/content/dam/aa/pdfs/Summary%20of%20Standards%20Violated.pdf

They responded by closing down European Adoption Consultants (EAC) on May 28th.

CNN said EAC was selling children too.

And ran this story:

Only one person, Mrs. Robin Herring Longoria, has pleaded guilty.

No one else has been prosecuted.

Her sentencing is Tuesday at 11 a.m. via conference call.

Longoria will get no jail time.

She has copped a plea to single counts of fraud and conspiracy.

The call will be made from her attorney's office in Ft. Worth, Texas, to Cleveland Federal Court.

Steven Jumes is Longoria’s attorney.

He used to work for Robert Mueller.

Mueller was the former FBI Director and Special Prosecutor.

Longoria has never been booked, photographed, or fingerprinted.

She never had a bail hearing.

Or pre-sentencing report.

She has never been to Ohio.

She used to work for Blackrock Financial in Dallas.

She lives in Ft. Worth, Texas.

The case was assigned to Cleveland Federal Court.

Who fixed the case?

Robert Zink for his boss, Bill Barr.

At that time, Barr was Attorney General, in charge of federal criminal prosecutions.

Barr and Robert Mueller are best friends.

What did Zink get in return?

Barr promoted him on July 30th.

How did Zink fix the Longoria case?

He went “court shopping.”

A fancy legal term for fixing a case.

It is supposed to be illegal.

Zink filed the motion on Aug. 25th, requesting the Longoria case be transferred to Cleveland.

Judge Solomon Oliver, Jr. signed the court order approving the transfer.

The FBI was involved in the EAC cover-up too.

Their Special Agent, Robert Hughes, was assigned the Cleveland case when his mother’s home and office were raided.

His mother, Margaret Hughes Cole, is a defendant in the EAC child slavery cases.

She owned and ran European Adoption Consultants (EAC).

Twenty-five terabytes of evidence were seized in the raid.

How much is a terabyte?

Ten terabytes are enough to copy everything in the Library of Congress.

Here is the press release of Margaret Hughes Cole’s charges:

https://www.justice.gov/opa/pr/three-individuals-charged-arranging-adoptions-uganda-and-poland-through-bribery-and-fraud

For his role in the cover-up, Special Agent Robert Hughes was promoted to head the FBI’s Milwaukee office.

https://www.fox6now.com/news/fbi-milwaukee-division-introduces-new-special-agent-in-charge-robert-hughes

https://www.fbi.gov/news/pressrel/press-releases/robert-e-hughes-named-special-agent-in-charge-of-the-milwaukee-field-office

Margaret’s Oct. 26th trial has been delayed and never rescheduled.

Her son, Robert E. Hughes III, has problems too.

While growing up, he was a beneficiary in the family business.

Selling children.

It paid his personal expenses.

Including college.

Hughes worked in the FBI’s Washington, D.C. office for:

Andy McCabe

Bruce Ohr

Peter Strzok

. . . from 2008 to 2011.

Where does the judge come in on the fix?

He signed a court order preventing the evidence from ever being made public.

The parties will destroy it at the end of the case.

But who is waiting to destroy evidence?

A sworn statement by one of the prosecutors in Warsaw, Poland, on Sept. 26th, 2018, was never entered into the court record.

Charges would have never been filed against the Hughes Crew but for the staff at Cook Children’s Health Care System, Ft. Worth, Texas.

They filed a written report of child abuse with Denton Police.

It resulted in the conviction of John Tufts for child abuse.

https://www.star-telegram.com/news/local/crime/article227178669.html

The hospital staff said it was the worst case of child abuse they had ever seen.

https://www.wfaa.com/embeds/video/287-2389573/iframe?jwsource=cl

He is the son of Debra Parris Edwards, one of the defendants.

With the help of Robin Herring Longoria, a nine-year-old girl was bought in Poland.

The girl was abused by Edwards’ son, John Tufts, in his home in Ft. Worth, Texas.

Court evidence submitted last week

[la-sorciere-fleur]

The Bakery (Alfie Solomons x Reader)

SUMMARY: Alfie’s wife runs a real bakery as a front for his distillery. This is a brief look into their daily life. 

WARNINGS: None. 

WORD COUNT: 1657

A/N: This is an expansion of this headcanon request I received yesterday. With the anon’s permission, I’ve turned the ideas into a fic. I’m not Jewish and I’ve only been to Shabbat once, so if I’ve gotten anything wrong, feel free to let me know so that I can amend it. Anyway, enjoy and remember my requests are currently all open!

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Your day begins before the sun has even risen. As a baker, you had to be up bright and early in order to get everything in the shop prepared for the day. However, as it was a Friday, you weren’t working a full day, so that you’d have enough time to prepare everything for Shabbat.

It was just on 4am when you rose to get out of bed. Alfie was sleeping soundly beside you, but stirred at the movement in the bed. He let out a groggy groan, rubbing at his tired eyes before opening them to look at you.

“Mornin’ already, darlin’?” He asked, his voice still thick with weariness.

“Mm,” you hummed in confirmation. “Go back to sleep, love.”

You bent down, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek, but he wasn’t satisfied with that. As you moved to pull away and get ready, he gently took hold of your hand and pulled you back down to him. His lips captured yours in a hungry kiss.

Suddenly, any traces of tiredness seemed to have left him and he seemed fully alert as he kissed you. The coarse hair of his beard tickled you, as it always did, but his soft lips teased as they moved alluringly against your own. He reached up with one hand to cup your cheek, the rough skin of his fingers contrasting with your softer complexion.

You moved a hand to his broad, muscular chest, wanting to relish in the feeling of being intimate with your husband, but knowing that you needed to get ready for work. He sensed that you were going to pull away and moved his other hand to your waist, holding you tightly there.

“Alfie,” you laughed softly. “I need to get ready. We can have time together tonight.”

He let out a long sigh, pressing his forehead against yours.

“Right,” he agreed. “Off you go, yeah.”

You pressed another quick kiss to his lips before moving off the bed. Once you'd turned around, he slapped your ass playfully, causing you to turn back at him with raised eyebrows. The only response he gave was a satisfied smirk as he eyed you appraisingly.

Once you’d washed up and gotten dressed, Alfie had gotten himself up too and started to get ready. You put together a small breakfast and once he was ready, the two of you left the house together, heading for the bakery.  

The small shop was attached to Alfie’s distillery, and every morning he dropped you off there with a loving kiss to your cheek, before heading to his own work.

Running a bakery wasn’t an easy job. You knew it was not only important to keep the business successful, but also to ensure that it played its role as a front to the real family business – that which Alfie dealt with. You had employed two staff members to help you, but they knew nothing of Alfie’s business and only assisted in the running of the bakery.

From an early time in the day, you had a steady flow of customers. Your baked goods were popular within the community – particularly the sweets. Fridays were always busy, as you closed earlier than usual and weren’t open on Saturdays. Even though the weather was cooling, it still grew hot in the bakery and you found yourself slightly flustered.

You were grateful when you heard the phone ring and left your two staff members with the customers as you went to answer it. Sitting down, your sore legs were relieved to get some rest.

“Hello?” You answered.

“Shalom, darlin’,” Alfie’s voice greeted you. “How’s your day goin’?”

“It’s very hot in here,” you told him. “But business is great.”

“Not long now, darlin’, not long now.”

“Yes,” you agreed. “I’ll close up in a couple of hours. Did you need something, love?”

“Nah,” his gravelly voice replied. “Just wanted to hear your voice, yeah, didn’t I?”

You smiled at his words, feeling eager to finish the day’s work and spend some time alone with him that night.

“Well, I need to get back to work, Alf,” you said. “I’ll see you after.”

“Will you bring me a treat?” He asked, a playful tone in his voice.

“You had two slices of lekach yesterday, Alfie!”

“Come on, love.”

“We’ll see,” you reasoned with him. “I have to get back to work.”

After saying your goodbyes and hanging up the phone, you headed back out into the shopfront, to serve the customers who were waiting. The afternoon passed by fairly quickly, as you were kept busy. You closed later than you’d planned, as there were still customers wanting to be served. When the last one had left and you were finally able to close the doors, you saw Alfie coming towards the shop.

“Sweetheart,” he greeted, pressing a kiss to your cheek.

“You’re finished for the day?” You asked him.

He nodded, wrapping an arm around your waist as his blue eyes burned into your own.

“I came to get my treat,” he told you, his lips quirking up into a cheeky smile.

“It’s not good to eat so many sweets, Alf,” you teased him, poking his stomach lightly for emphasis.

“Alright, alright,” he relented. “How ‘bout a kiss?”

You grinned, leaning up to capture his lips in a short, teasing kiss. He huffed when you pulled away, but his eyes twinkled with mirth.

“Now, that’s hardly fair, innit?” He complained.

“You’ll get more of that later,” you replied, giving him a knowing look.

He reluctantly let go of you, allowing you to finish closing up the shop. You turned your back on him, bending down to clean out the cabinets. When you straightened up and faced him again, you caught him red-handed, eating one of the chocolate biscuits that were left over from the day’s sales.

“Alfie!” You chastised, hiding an amused smile.

“Delicious, love,” he praised with a playful smile. “Really.”

“Come on,” you laughed, pulling him out of the shop. “Let’s go home.”

***

Alfie had disappeared for the afternoon, leaving you in the kitchen to prepare food for the next 24 hours. Once you were done, you laid out the dining table for the first meal of Shabbat.

“Alfie!” You called out, once you were done.

He entered the room a few moments later, his arms outstretched.

“Shabbat Shalom, darlin’,” he said with a smile.

“Shabbat Shalom,” you said in turn, giving him a warm grin of your own.

“This smells delicious, this does,” he praised, moving to his seat at the head of the table.

He took his copy of the Torah and began to recite the Kiddush blessing over two cups of wine. You joined him quietly, until it was time for you both to drink from the cups. You then both washed your hands in preparation for eating bread.

"Baruch atah Adonai, eloheinu melech ha'olam, hamotzi lechem min ha'aretz," Alfie continued, blessing the challah.

You removed the cloth covering the challah and Alfie tore off two pieces of bread – one for you and one for him. He dipped both pieces in salt before handing over yours to eat. With the bread and wine consumed, the first course of the meal began. Alfie particularly enjoyed the salmon you’d cooked in a tomato-based sauce. By the time every course had been laid out on the table, Alfie sat back looking completely sated.

“You’re a wonderful cook, Y/N,” he praised.

“Thank you, love,” you replied. “I’m glad you enjoyed the meal.”

He helped you to clear the table and then you went back into the kitchen to clean up the dishes and store the remaining food for the next day. Alfie approached you from behind, wrapping his arms around your waist and pressing his lips to your neck. It had been a long week and you knew he was eager for some time alone with you. You placed the last dish in the drying rack and dried off your hands before turning in his arms to face him.

You wrapped your arms around his neck, pressing your body closer to his. His blue gaze met your own before slowly moving down to your lips. No matter how intimidating and frightening he appeared to other people, around you he was different. He showed a different side of himself in private – a more tender and loving side. You were his wife and he would do anything for you.

He kissed you – slowly at first, drawing out the sensation of his lips against yours. It was a deep kiss, making your heart flutter. You gently stroked his beard, and his fingers traced light patterns over your waist. His body was hard and muscular against yours, making you feel protected in a way only Alfie could. His strong arms encircled you within their embrace and you allowed yourself to relax now that the week had drawn to a close.

You lived for these moments with him and always appreciated them. Alfie began to kiss you a little more passionately, his lips dominant against your own. You moaned into the kiss, moving your hands down to his chest. He’d taken off his waistcoat and the first few buttons of his shirt were undone. You moved your fingers under the fabric, exploring the broad expanse of his naked chest.

Alfie pulled his lips from yours, moving them down to your neck. He left a trail of open-mouthed kisses, his beard tickling the sensitive flesh. You gasped when his tongue darted out, teasing you and his teeth nipped at your smooth, unblemished skin. You unbuttoned the rest of his shirt, pushing it off his shoulders, before running your hands freely over his well-toned chest.

“Y/N, love,” he murmured. “Let’s head upstairs, yeah?”

You nodded, eager to continue this in the bedroom.

“Come on then, Mr Solomons,” you grinned up at him.

“After you, Mrs Solomons,” he pulled back, allowing you to lead the way.

[peakyxshelby]

Fragile.

Alfie Solomons X reader

Request: thank you so much!my idea would be an Alfie and wife reader(I had Queenie Goldstein personality in mind), I know he’s the big,scary bear, but he’d be a whimp and totally do anything his wife asks of him and pretty much kisses the ground she walks. what do you think?

can you do one where alfie and reader fight and he thinks she’s left him but she hasn’t?

Author’s note: this is HELLLAAAAA long I am sorry, but enjoy!

Alfie barely ever lets you see his “work” side, as you call it. To you, he was a true gentleman who worshipped the ground you walked on, but to others, he was the cold, scary Alfie Solomons. He barely ever let his scary bear personality slip through around you.

But on this particular day, he came home in a big gurn, slamming the door behind him as he walked into your house and slumped on the chair. Normally you would stand behind his chair rubbing your hands down his chest while laying kisses on his neck. This was normally enough to make him calm down and snap out his mood. But you weren’t having the best day either, you had just found out your grandfather was pretty sick, very sick in fact. You didn’t know if you were ever going to see him again at this rate but you kept yourself calm and didn’t let alfie know that you were upset. It was a busy few weeks business wise for him and he would drop everything for you, you knew that would jepordise a few deals he was working on if he wasn’t giving it all of his attention.

“How was your day?” You asked him not really looking up as you were opposite him writing a letter for your mother to read to your grandfather, a couple of last words if you didn’t get to see him.

“Make me tea,” He said coldly. This made you look up at him and you saw him wiping his glasses with his shirt.

“I’m busy,” you replied bluntly, looking back down at your letter. He stood up towering over you. All of a sudden he picked up the vase that sat in the middle of your table, one your grandfather got you two as an engagement present, he threw it at the wall with force. You crumbled seeing it smash and fall to the ground, so fragile. He then turned back around and slammed his fists down on the table only inches away from your face. You flinched back, hiding your face with your shoulder, letting out a scream. You were afraid of him, for the first time ever you were afraid you were going to get hurt. Tears started to flood down your cheeks as you pushed back on your heels moving the chair further away from him. When you looked up at him from behind your shoulder his face melted. His eyes softened and he fell back into his chair holding his hand to his mouth in shock.

“(Y/N),” He started but you looked away again crying harder this time as you saw the remains of the vase on the door. You quickly got up and ran to the bathroom, locking the door quickly as you could here big but soft footsteps following you.

Three knocks.

“Did I scare you?” He croaked, his voice low. It sounded like he was about to burst into tears at any moment. You tried to control your sobs, stop yourself from hyperventilating.

“Go…” You tried to say, deep breaths and sobs interrupting you, “..away.” You managed finally. There were a few moments of silence.

“I love you, you know that I would never ever do anything to harm you, or let anyone else for that matter.” you didn’t respond to him just curled yourself up against the door pressing your head to your knees as you rocked yourself gently. “I’ll be waiting right outside the door when you’re ready to come out OK? I’m sorry love.” His voice sounded sincere but you couldn’t stop your hands from trembling as you gripped onto your shins.

It took a minute for your eyes to adjust when you woke up, You stretched your arms and legs as you looked around, you almost forgot why you were waking up in the bathroom. You looked outside seeing the sun start to rise slightly, assuming it was between 5 and 6 as it was always early sunrises in summer in London. You took a deep breath, pushing yourself up off the floor.Alfie was leant back have in the door half on the wall, so he jerked back when you opened the door. He opened his eyes slightly as he balanced himself back on the door frame, he snapped up when he realised you had come out the bathroom.

“Darlin’,” he said before he scrambled to his feet, pulling you into a hug. You squeezed him back, in his arms you felt safe you knew that he would never hurt you, it was just a stupid reaction in the moment. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered as he swayed with you lightly side to side.

“I know,” you said pulling back giving him a weak smile. “Can we go to bed now?” He smiled and nodded at you, not letting go of your hand as he leads you up to your bedroom. You climbed into your side of the bed yawning as you did, alfie pulled you into his chest wrapping his arms around you as you rested your head on his chest, gently drifting off to sleep.

You woke up again the next morning sun beaming through your window, you turned over to feel an empty space where Alfie’s musky warm scent and presence was still lingering. You turned over wrapping yourself in the sheets. Alfie would have been up and off to work already, normally you woke up around the same time but he obviously thought to leave you this morning after last night. As you lay stretched out across your bed the peircing phone ringed through the house. You quickly hopped out of your bed descending the stairs and picking up the phone.

“Hello?”

“(Y/N)…”

“Mum, is everything OK? Oh god, he hasn’t yet? Mum, please tell me he hasn’t left me yet?” You’re eyes started to burn, you felt as if someone and hit you in the chest as your breathing started to become more rapid.

“Not yet love, soon, if you leave now you can say goodbye.”

With that you hung up and packed up your things in a small suitcase, the train only took 20 minutes to get to East Finchley, where you had grown up and where your family were staying with your grandfather. You ran out the house quickly heading to the bakery to try and speak to Alfie before getting on the train.

“Where is he?” You shout panting and out of breath as you burst through the bakery doors.

“He’s gone to look at boats or somethin’ with David,” Ollie told you looking concerned as your face was bright red and your eyes were still puffy. “You alright (Y/N)?”

“No,” you panted still trying to catch your breath, “Tell Alfie I’ll see him soon.” And with that, you ran out the door and down the streets of camden town to the station.

The train pulled up at your stop, as you were met off by your little sister. Your sister was your absolute rock, she had kept you sane since you were children and had the biggest smile in the whole of bloody London. Except for today, the smile was nowhere to be seen you hugged tightly before she leads you to your old house, you hadn’t been home in a few months with how busy you were with Alfie and nothing had changed a bit. The comforting scent of your house hit you as you entered.

“(Y/N)!” Your mum half shouted coming over and hugging you tightly as your brother came over to join. The whole family was here, the aunties, the uncles, the cousins. You knew it was bad.

“He hasn’t stopped asking for you,” your mum lied, leading you through the house. Your sister grabbed your arm tightly though stopping you both.

“His memory is really bad, though, If he doesn’t remember who you are just try not to take it to heart, I know it’s hard but he hasn’t really remembered any of us.” Your sister looked at the ground as she talked holding back the tears as she let go of your arm.

Alfie sighed pulling the car up outside your house, he was looking forward to just getting in and relaxing with you after his long day. He tried to open the door but was shoved back by his own force when it didn’t open. Weird. You normally kept the door unlocked until he got in, he fished out his keys swinging the door open. Silence filled the house as he walked in. There was nothing cooking, no music playing not even a shower running.

“(Y/N)!” he called out your name as he started looking in different rooms of the house. “(Y/N)!” he called again getting slightly worried. When he entered your bedroom he walked into a bomb site, pieces of your clothes were laid about everywhere, your travel bags were scattered around the floor and he noticed those red shoes that you wore every day were missing from their usual spot next to the door. “Shit!” He thought back to your fight. Thoughts rushing through his head. You said you knew he was sorry, then you held onto him all night, you couldn’t have left him. His mind was on fire as he crumbled on the bed, “Shit!” he shouted again this time much louder. He tried to compose himself but his heart was racing and his hands started to sweat. He picked up the phone and rang Ollie.

“Where the fuck is she?”

“Alfie she went to get a train…”

“Fuckin’ hell!” he threw the phone across the room cutting Ollie off. He didn’t know where to find you but he wasn’t going to stop looking, he composed himself and headed out to find you.

You opened the door gently, seeing your grandfather so weak and fragile lying there in his bed broke your heart. You took a deep breath gaining control of your nerves as you walked over and sat beside him.

“Hello Granda, it’s me, (Y/N),” you say softly. He looks up at you as his eyes widen, he tries to sit up by himself but ends up calling in for your brother to assist him. As your brother came in your grandfather turned to him and said, “Look! (Y/N) came home, she came back from camden!” Your brother looked at you in shock and back to his grandfather. “She came back to see you, Granda!” Your grandfather’s smile beamed through the room as your brother whispered down in your ear. “You are the only person he has remembered in bloody weeks.”

Your grandfather held your hand and asked you how Alfie by this point your brother had got your mum and auntie in, their eyes brimming with tears watching their father remember you.

“He’s good yes, still down in Camden keeping the bakery running,” You tell him, he’s still holding your hand and you can feel his thumb rub around the band of your engagement ring.

“And you’re getting married!” You nodded smiling, trying to keep back your own tears now, noticing how weak his hands were and how heavy his eyes had become. “My little Porky is getting married!” The whole room started laughing at this, He had called you porky since you were a baby because you resembled a pig as a baby, lovely coming from your grandfather. He had pretty much been your father, though, to you your sister and brother. Your father had passed when you were just 2 and god bless your mother she tried, she really did but she couldn’t quit the drink when she needed to. This resulted in you being brought up by your granparents and seeing your grandfather sitting in front of you as weak as he was, was gutting.

“I’m not porky anymore!” You said playfully back as your family laughed around you.

“And I’ll walk you down the aisle, yes?” He asked you a glimmer of excitement reflected in your eyes. You almost choked realising he wouldn’t be able to, knowing he wouldn’t be there on your wedding day had you bawling within a matter of seconds. Your grandfather stayed holding your hand as his eyes drifted closed as he fell asleep.

It had been a couple hours since your grandfather fell asleep and as time passed his breathing was becoming shallower his heart rate getting slower. He still held your hand through it all though as you rested your head on the edge of your bed. He passed away a couple minutes later, officially. Holding your hand. You couldn’t move, you wouldn’t move after the whole family had departed from the room you sat there crying grasping on to his hand. You faintly heard a knock on the door but just assumed it was the funeral people. Alfie had entered your house all hot and bothered thinking you had left him but was told the harsh reality by your younger sister. He stood in the door frame watching you cry into your grandfather’s bed holding his hand. Alfie knew he needed to be strong for you but seeing you hurt made him crack, you were his weakness and he never ever wanted to see you in pain. You were left alone for a while longer until the funeral people came, Your brother had to rip you from the side of the bed as you screamed and cried you saw Alfie in the door frame, eyes bloodshot.

“Alf…” you whispered before running into his chest and bawling again, he held you close to him gently hushing in your ear.

You stayed in your old room that night, you and Alfie sharing your tiny childhood bed, pretty much laying directly on top of him all night. You got up in the morning and noticed there was a cup of tea beside your bed and no sign of Alfie, a couple minutes he pushed through the door.

“How you doing?” He said leaning down beside you. You nodded back to him rubbing your hands over his shoulders then letting your head drop into it.

“How did you know where I was?” you asked pulling your head back up to look at him.

“Well,” he scratched his beard looking around awkwardly, “Well first off, I thought you bloody left me didn’t I.”

“You what?”

“Well you had packed a bag and Ollie said you’d got a train, I assumed you left me after that fuckin’ fight” You looked at him almost laughing.

“Sorry, but you’re stuck with me.” He laughed back at this hanging his head low again.

“I shit myself, I really thought I lost you, you bloody well broke my heart you did.” You grabbed his face and pushed your lips to his passionately.

“Not a chance,” You said reassuring him again.

“Why didn’t you tell me (Y/N)?” he asked obviously referring to your grandfather. You grabbed his hands and started playing with his fingers in your lap.

“You were busy and stressed, I didn’t want to add to that.” He sighed heavily at what you just told him wrapping his arms around you and pulling you into his torso, your head against his chest.

“I would drop anything for you, you know that.”

“Exactly,” you say slightly muffled as your head was still buried into his chest, “I know you would, and it was crucial your attention was on the business and not me sometimes you give me 100% and the bakery none and you couldn’t afford that this week.” He pulled you back to look at you right in the eyes.

“The business is business, you my love will always come first.” You let a smile peek through as he spoke. He staired admiring your perfect face. “I really fucking love you.”

“I really fucking love you too.”

[xpwewarchive]

XPWEW Xtreme Rumble 2020 (4-26-2020)

XPWEW Xtreme Rumble 2020 April 26th 2020 Denver, Colorado Denver Coliseum

SHOW OPENS WITH PYROTECHNICS

We are introduced to tonight’s commentary team of Kaitlyn Khaos and Nick Simmonds and they run down the card and explain the importance that is the Xtreme Rumble match and it gives the winner a golden ticket to be in the main event of the biggest event in XPWEW history: Lockdown 7 on May 23rd, 2020 in the platinum shimmering city of Dubai on the waterfront now let’s kick it over to James Westerbeck at ringside bell rings

James Westerbeck: The following contest is a TABLES MATCH! The rules of this contest are You must put you opponent through a table!

Joe Gacy enters holding both tag team titles (Commentary explains how this match came to be, When Solomon Nasty appeared plucked from nowhere and wanted to be Joe Gacy’s tag team champion partner despite not impressing Gacy for the last month on Friday Night Pyro and now the ultimate challenge awaits Soloman, Gacy’s favorite matchup. A tables match.

Solomon Nasty enters

Tables Match 1 on 1 M1: Joe Gacy defeats Solomon Nasty

General Manager Romeo Roselli enters and walks down to ringside turns the corner and walks up to the timekeeper and grabs both Tag Team Titles. Gacy looks perplexed and a bit heated.

Romeo Roselli: Joe it’s been 30 days since Brodie Croyle was injured and you were asked at my discretion I’ll admit, you were unable to find a tag team partner so I am going to be stripping you of the XPWEW Tag Team Championships! (Crowd yells)

Gacy: Why.....Why...Where are the articles of confederation when you need them (shuffling trying to grab the belts tucked in Romeo’s left arm)

Romeo: But Joe I’m not leaving you in the dark. As successful and Plagueground was for the past 6 months that era must come to an end, pending injury and inability to find a replacement but Joe. I’m a fair GM. You are in line for these belts, That’s right Joe I’m making you the Number One Contender! BUT I took the liberty upon myself to find you a replacement because since YOU can’t seem to do that. I did it for you. So meet your new tag team partner

Audrey Carbine enters

((Joe Gacy blows the hair out of his face kinda groaning at the thought of Audrey being his new tag team partner))

((Joe Gacy jerks the mic out of Romeo’s hand))

Joe Gacy: THIS? She’s a woman, She’s weak, She’s vulnerable and to me, a wrestler who has applied his craft all over the world!! This is an insult To me and No, No I will

((Audrey Carbine power walks right up to Gacy’s face))

Audrey Carbine: “Shut up Pussy” (crowd ooohs))

Audrey Carbine: “I was a highly ranked official in the American Army for 8 years and I served four tours in iRaq while you sat on your ass playing Modern Warfare (crowd oohs again) I’m not too excited on being your partner myself but I’ve been itching for a fight since I got here and you’ve just been itching for relevancy Joe admit it (crowd oohs) The Tag Team division in xpwew is weak and that’s one trait that I’m not. So you’re either gonna hate me or you’re gonna tolerate me but together we’re gonna be The Death Machines

Joe Gacy: “Audrey, you .....I gotta singles career to focus tonight in the Xtreme Rumble” (crowd reacts mixed)

Backstage Segment: Troy Clausen standing with two unnamed women (just pretty faces to spin the tumbler) Troy Clausen: Ladies tonight my son Champagne Clausen is going to be entering at the number 29 right? Lol yeah we’ll See I hired this other guy named (gibberish)

The Set walks in (Myron, Kotto and Jordan) Jordan: “Woahhh T-Roy Clausen Whatup Dogg Troy: “Vibin’ pimps, Vibin’” Jordan: Myron? Myron: Yessir! Jordan: Tonight is one of them special nights you know cause look at the probability Me, You, Kotto, Ruckus we got 4 chances of winning this whole shit and turning Lockdown to SetDown Kotto: Aha! I mean how they gon’ act when young Kotto Brazil pull up and win the rumble you feel me, I see the hate tho I love it love (The Set all joking around) Jordan:

(((Jacques Dudley waltzes in and just goes straight to picking his number and before he’s about to leave))) Jordan: Oh look who it is, Croissant Dudley LOL you grabbing another number for D-Von (The Set snickering) Jacques: Hmm Nice joke Ellen, You giving away a car next? Jordan: Man Shut your punk ass up before I slap you around in that ring tonight Busta ((Myron and Kotto react to their numbers with a “Meh so so” reaction)) Myron and Kotto: What you got J? What you got? Jordan: ((((I don’t know,,,Nah nah nah Jacques you trade me?)))) Jacques: ppfft trades numbers (((Both open at the same time)) Jacques reacts “WOW Thanks Jordan, see ya out there Jordan: (under his breath: Pfft Fuck outta my face) Myron and Kotto looking over his shoulder Jordan opens up his number ((Myron and Kotto start looking at each other )))( Jordan: Maaaaan this whole shit whack man what damn number he then then? Man shit The Set walks away Tumbler Girl #1: Wow what number did he get? Troy: 4 Tumbler Girl #2: How do you know? Troy: Magic

Jacques Dudley enters

Jordan Oliver enters with Siaka Lexoni

XPWEW Juniorweight Championship 1 on 1 M2: Jordan Oliver def. Jacques Dudley

After one hellacious closing back and forth of reversals Jordan turning Jacquesms spinwill armdrag into a tombstone piledriver for the 1-2-3 and Jordan Oliver is still the xpwew Juniorweight champion

Backstage Segment:

Garrett Thompson and Ethan Bedlam are in their reading their numbers and Slayer walks in with Rosemary and Lotus

Troy: Not gonna speak Slayer Slayer: looks at Troy and leaves

Leonard McGraw enters bumping Slayer’s shoulder intentionally Leonard: Is something funny? Garrett: Yeah as a matter of fact it is, Look at you walking in here lookin bloody ridiculous with that stupid hat Leonard: You don’t like my hat? Garrett: Well quite frankly Leo its a bit worn out it looks like a damn travesty, What is that a fish hook? You are one putrid Longfellow Leonard: I like to fish. I like to hunt. I like Wayne Newton. Is that a problem? Garrett: I don’t care what you do in your spare time living in a trailer park Leonard: Garrett Thompson you big sum bitch. I said I like to hunt. I don’t play games. You are game. You, Ethan Bustass over there you’re game. Y’all some bucks to me. 10 pointer and he’s bout a 4 pointer. I’m looking for ya out there in the rumble and I’m taking your sorry ass out of misery because it’s open season on the xpwew locker room and I’m fixing to cook something to eat. Now Garrett what’s so funny....... Leonard and Garrett lock eyes ((Garrett walks away)) ((Leonard McGraw grabs a number and winks at the tumbler girls) Leonard: Now What the fuck we got going on, Are any good numbers left Stretch? Troy: Gotta be something Leonard Leonard: Ah shit ima just dig down in the bottom and grab two of these here and let you pretty ladies pick one of em’ which one darling? ((Tumbler Girl #2 picks the left)) Leonard: “Oh sweet Jesus this better be a good one. If it’s bout 25 I’ll kiss ya on the lips let me see ((Opens number) Leonard: Fuck! Godamnit to hell. (Leonard locks the number back up and throws it back in the tumbler) (Leonard storms off) Troy looks pissed he ruined the sanctity of this rumble

Brutus The Barber Beefcake enters with a staff worker pushing the chair and barber shop utensils down to ringside

James Westerbeck: The following contest is for the xpwew women’s championship and it will be contested in a Hair Match The winner of this match will shave the loser’s hair bald

Prisiclla Kelly enters

Kiera Hogan with Brian Lee enters

XPWEW World Women’s Championship Hair vs Hair 1 on 1 M3: Prisiclla Kelly defeats Kiera Hogan

AND NEW!!!!! Xpwew Women’s Champion Prisiclla Kelly!

After the match Brian Lee tries to grab Kiera and escape but Priscilla is able to rub him down and grab the kendo stick used against her earlier in the match and whack Brian Lee at the knees then repeatedly whack him across the back until he pleas up the ramp

Brutus The Barber Beefcake secures Kiera Hogan at ringside who’s kicking and screaming to squirm her way out of this Prisiclla taunts with Brutus’ shears and then cuts a huge chunk of Kiera’s weave The Prisiclla takes her time cutting big chunks with small scissors for a while (((Is Kiera Hogan crying?))) Prisiclla then takes the heavy duty hair clippers and does a streak down the middle of Kiera’s head and we now see scalp of the former women’s champ ((Kiera screaming)) Prisiclla then quickly keeps going over and over until Kiera is left bald

Priscilla grabs her title and laughs up the ramp

Brutus let’s Kiera go Kiera is sobbing uncontrollably and doing a fit at ringside and during her rage she grabs a hold of Nick Simmonds shirt and says “This is your fa-ha ha ha hault”

Ad: Golden Bryce BANG Energy

Ad: Lockdown 7 is 27 days away

We swing it back to commentary and Kaitlyn Khaos reviews what we’ve seen tonight from Joe Gacy being stripped of the tag team titles and Audrey Carbine being appointed by GM Romeo Roselli as his new partner then we seen Jordan Oliver and Jacques Dudley tear the house down and we just witness Kiera Hogan being humiliated by Prisiclla Kelly as she lost her title then was shaved BALD and coming up next to world heavyweight champion Golden Bryce just has one more hurdle to cross and he will be going into Lockdown for the 2nd year in a row as world champion

VIDEO PACKAGE : All Man vs Golden Bryce feud history

All Man with All Woman enters

Golden Bryce enters

XPWEW World Heavyweight Championship 1 on 1 M4: Golden Bryce (c) defeats All Man w/ All Woman

((All Man put up a fight and didn’t come across as weak as he did during their Flirting With Disaster PPV match last February the match ended when All Man had to match in his favor but when on the to rope looking for a Super-Plex he hyperextended his leg and landed on the ropes completely falling crotch first between the ropes (he oddly backed himself up to about the middle). All Man stood straddling the ropes with his crotch there long enough for Bryce to regain composure jump off the top rope and hit a very very awkward crooked version of the 6 rings. All Man gets untangled in the ropes and Bryce gets up yanks him out the ropes and pins him 1-2-3 Odd finish, Unique finish but the crowd really was expecting a kick out so the response was delayed. Just a weird match

AND STILL XPWEW WORLD CHAMPION: GOLDEN BRYCE

M5: Ruckus wins XPWEW 2020 Xtreme Rumble Match

[hermanwatts]

Light Novels: The Portals Between Worlds

With laughter and mockery closing off wish-fulfillment fantasies set in the familiar world around light novel readers, light novel fantasists escaped into other worlds, taking their everyday Japanese characters with them. These in another world fantasies, sometimes called portal fantasies in English but better known as isekai in Japanese, soon became the dominant genre of light novels, enjoying popularity for close to a decade with no end yet in sight.

Isekai portal fantasies offer a bridge between two types of fantasies, primary world fantasy and secondary world fantasy. Primary world fantasy, as described by J. R. R. Tolkien in “On Fairy-Stories”, takes place on Earth, typically in the present at the time of writing. Examples of primary world fantasy include American Gods, The Dresden Files, and Who Fears the Devil?, with Solomon Kane, The Lord of the Rings, and arguably The Wheel of Time providing primary world fantasies in the past. Secondary world fantasy takes place in another world than Earth, such as Narnia, Westeros, Discworld, Lankhmar, or the scattered worlds of the Cosmere. Isekai takes main characters from the primary world and thrusts them into a secondary world adventure. Whether through a rabbit hole, a wardrobe, answering a strange personal advertisement, or uploading one’s consciousness into the internet, this transition between worlds is the defining feature of isekai. As this transition typically takes place in the first chapter, the story lives and dies off the secondary world introduced to the reader.

The portal between fantasy worlds works both ways. Not only do characters leap from our primary world to secondary fantasy worlds, characters from those secondary worlds can cross into ours for fish-out-of-water adventures. These fantasies are known by the systematic and admittedly unimaginative label of “reverse isekai” fantasies.

However, the approach between classic isekai portal fantasy and its reverse reflection differs more in just the direction of travel between worlds. Where isekai tends to shove its protagonists through the door between worlds, only to lock the door behind them, reverse isekai stories tend to install a revolving door between worlds. Furthermore, since reverse isekai do not need to rely upon the main character as a stand-in for the reader exploring the world, these stories are far less reliant on wish fulfillment fantasies. This allows reverse isekai stories to offer a wider variety of kinds of stories than the tried and true hero fights against a villain found in traditional isekai portal fantasy.

While Western portal fantasies typically draw from sword-and-planet fantasy, myths, or fairy tales, Japanese light novels tend to draw from games for their conventions, with Dragon Quest being the primary influence–as discussed earlier in “Blue Slime Fantasy.”  Although isekai portals into actual MMO worlds are common, today’s recommendations look at adventures in fantasy worlds unconstrained by silicon, even if the leveling and the looting remain.

Death March to the Parallel World Rhapsody, by Hiro Ainana

Programmer Ichiro “Satou” Suzuki falls asleep in an overtime patching session he calls a “death march”, only to wake up in a world that resembles the game he was working on. While the leveling and skill systems come straight from the game, he soon finds the world too real, and starts delving its secrets.

Sometimes a recommendation is on this list not because of quality, but because it is the purest example of the form. And since isekai stories are currently caught up in a search for novelty, twisting and riffing on the conventions of isekai, an example of what everyone is trying to subvert is required. Death March gets the nod over titles like In Another World with My Smartphone for navigating the traditional isekai conventions of ever-increasing cast, lands, powers, and quests while dropping the least characters and plot threads along the way. While Death March incorporates gaming tropes, it straddles the line between game world and fantasy world as other characters are Japanese souls reincarnated into the new world.

Death March also is notable as a “burnout” fantasy, where the main character is an overworked salaryman thrust into a new life, as opposed to the under-socialized teens that commonly fill light novels. The result is a more idyllic journey through the video game-inspired fantasy world, as Satou grows to enjoy the moment instead of just being married to work. Satou’s age and maturity, compared to most isekai protagonists, filter out a number of pandering tropes as well.

Konosuba: God’s Blessing on this Wonderful World!, by Natsume Akatsuki 

When perennial loser and MMO junkie Kazuma Satou dies trying to save a girl from a runaway tractor, he finds himself in the waiting room of heaven, where, after a goddess roasts him for being an idiot, she gives him a choice. Kazuma can enter heaven, or take a continue in an MMO-inspired world as an adventurer. Kazuma naturally chooses the second option, complete with the customary choice of a starting cheat in the form of a legendary item or skill. Wanting to wipe the smug smirk from the goddess’s face, Kazuma selects her as his special perk. After all, what could be more powerful in a fantasy world than a goddess? To her horror, heaven agrees to his request and sends them both to the fantasy world. Now Kazuma and the goddess Aqua must quest to defeat the Demon King before either can return home.

A light-hearted comedy, Konosuba follows the other tradition of isekai light novels, that of flipping over one or more conventions. Here, the wish-fulfillment seen in many light novels gets turned on its head, as Kazuma’s crusade against the Demon King is quickly laid low by misfortune and misfits, with none more dysfunctional than the goddess at his side, Aqua. The comedy is situational instead of gag-based, fueled by subverted expectations and a rare willingness to let the characters indulge in their faults–including the women. But no matter how genre-savvy Kazuma may act, he never treats his new world as just a game. Although my first review was rough on the series, later volumes do become more enjoyable, another trait common with many light novels.

The Devil is a Part Timer, by Satoshi Wagahara

After the final, climactic battle in another world, the Devil King and his last general are banished to another world: ours. But without magic, they can neither return to their own world, or conquer ours. Forced to make ends meet, the Devil King survives as a lowly fast food employee, with designs of working his way to the top of the company, and then the top of the world. But they aren’t the only otherworlders in Japan. The Hero has arrived as well, and she knows where the Devil King works.

A bit of a guilty pleasure, The Devil is a Part Timer combines reverse isekai with the devil/monster genre. Here, Maou is treated more as a demi-human than a proper devil, and the burdens of making ends meet in a low-paying job actually humanize him to the point that he’s no longer the same power-mad end boss he once was, much to the consternation and confusion of the Hero, Emilia. The unresolved tension between Maou and Emilia fuels much of the comedy. It is refreshing to see an adult cast evenly divided between the sexes, with actual male friendships that aren’t hand waved off screen in favor of harem hijinks or romanticized for fetishes.  The worldbuilding leans heavily on Kabbalah, which some might find off-putting, but becomes important when the powers that be in the old world won’t leave Maou and Emilia alone in ours. The Devil is a Part Timer is a humorous refuge from wish-fulfillment and harem fantasies that still brings sword and magic action to the table.

Notable mentions for straight isekai portal fantasies include: Re: Zero–Starting Life in Another World, by Tappei Nagatsuki, where a teen from our world finds himself in a new world with the mysterious power to reverse time by dying–a lot, and the recently released Mushoku Tensei, by “Rifujin na Magonote,” where an unsuccessful man in his thirties resolves to do better in his new life, even if it means challenging a god.

Reverse isekai notable mentions include Outbreak Company, by Ichiro Sasaki, in which a fandom-obsessed teen is tapped by the Japanese government to export fandom to another world, and Restaurant in Another World, by Junpei Inuzaka, which combines cooking stories and slice-of-life stories as it follows the stories of adventurers from other worlds that have found their way to a restaurant in ours.

Light Novels: The Portals Between Worlds published first on https://sixchexus.weebly.com/