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and-it-freezes-me · 3 years

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Little Red Lies - Chapter 1

Or, AUgust 2021 Day 10 - Fake Dating

{Next}

Words: 5,439

[Booked tckts yet? virge wants 2 check u still need 2 places 4 reception dinner]

Trash Rat 22:57

[cant w8 2 meet ur new ~date~]

Trash Rat 22:58

Roman stared at the messages for several long seconds, then groaned.

[Of course I booked tickets. Yes I still need the +1 seat.]

Roman 23:04

[cant believe u havent even sent a pic or yk a name]

Trash Rat 23:06

[no shame if ur still </3 ovr remy]

Trash Rat 23:06

[even tho its been 2 yrs now]

Trash Rat 23:07

[Of course I’m over remy. You’ll meet my boyfriend when we get there. He’s shy.]

Roman 23:07

Roman seriously considered throwing his phone across the room and booking a plane ticket to Alaska rather than Manhattan. That way, he wouldn’t have to go to his brother’s wedding and admit that he was most definitely single and most definitely not over his ex boyfriend (of seventeen months - two years was an unfair exaggeration).

[u kno virge h8s not knowing whos coming to his wedding right]

Trash Rat 23:10

[I know, I know, I’ll apologise as soon as we get there. He’ll be first to meet my bf, promise.]

Roman 23:11

[book ur fuckin plane tckts ro, I know u didnt do it yet]

Trash Rat 23:11

Roman threw his phone across the room.

It bounced off of his Heathers poster and landed on his desk, which was covered in scripts, textbooks, empty takeout containers, balled up bits of paper, crumpled drinks cans, and pens, and Roman buried his face in his pillow and groaned.

Ten months ago, Roman’s sister had flown down to Los Angeles, dragged Roman out of bed and announced that he was actually Roman’s brother. Almost sooner than Roman had been able to take this in stride, Virgil had added that he was marrying his boyfriend in December and would Roman mind being one of his groomsmen? While Roman was still reeling from the bombshell that was the fact that their gremlin of an elder brother Remus was Virgil’s best man, Virgil had leaned forward and asked if Roman was doing alright because he couldn’t help but notice that his dorm room resembled ‘the result of an explosive going off in a pigsty’.

Roman had blinked dumbly at him, nodded, and then started pressing for details about Virgil’s wedding. Eventually, his brother had promised that he’d get Patton, his fiance, to call Roman to discuss every detail, from location to napkin frills, and Roman felt that he had managed to avoid the topic of how he was doing.

When he and Remy had first broken up, midway through last July, Roman had gone to pieces. He had spent the end of the summer holiday between his first and second years locked in his room and listening to the same few songs on loop until Virgil, who was three years older and had been packing his things to move into his new apartment, had put his fist through the wall between their rooms. Then Roman had put his headphones on. It wasn’t Virgil’s fault that he was too uncivilised to appreciate the wonders of ‘Michael In The Bathroom’, ‘Someone You Loved’, or ‘Impossible’, after all.

Then Roman had gone back to university, where he had tried to drown himself in reading for his degree, and instead ended up sleeping through lectures after all-night crying sessions. He had tried to submerge himself in his essays and instead ended up daydreaming about his ex-boyfriend in study sessions. He had tried to get involved in theatre productions, but every audition had gone sour, and he often ended up thinking about the few times he and Remy had met up over the previous year rather than learning his lines.

Everyone had said that long distance relationships would be hard, but Roman, the romantic fool that he was, had insisted that they could do it.

They couldn’t.

Eight months ago, nine months after the two of them had broken up, two months after Virgil had announced his wedding plans, Remus and his partner had flown into Los Angeles and tried to stage an intervention. This had involved Remus trying to seduce the campus security guard and almost getting reported to the police (Roman had always insisted that his mustache only made him look sketchy), followed by Janus sneaking past the pair of them and into the building. Remus had somehow managed to join him moments later, and the two of them had somehow made their way up to Roman’s floor without alerting anyone else of their presence.

Roman had been woken by a furious hammering at his bedroom door at a little after four in the morning, and had to wade through a mess of papers and laundry to find that the two of them had knocked on every single door on his corridor, unable to remember which was his. He had not been popular with his dormmates the next day.

Their intervention had involved sitting on Roman’s bed and sharing the leftover pizza that had been on Roman’s desk for the last three days, and telling him to wash the dirty clothes all over his floor. Then they had tried to persuade him to accompany them to a bar to hook him up with somebody, and Roman had quickly concluded that the pair was somewhat drunk.

He had vehemently refused, and when Janus had eventually rolled onto his back, dark hair dangling off the edge of the bed and onto the sticky patch of carpet that Roman had spilled soda on three weeks ago, he practically whined that Roman was being very difficult when all they were doing was trying to help him.

“Trying to help me? You’ve disturbed the people I live with at fuck-o’clock in the morning! I have class tomorrow!” Roman was sat at his desk chair, trying very hard to ignore the stack of textbooks he was supposed to have read and hadn’t.

Remus rested a hand on Janus’ hip to stop him from rolling off the bed, and raised a lazy eyebrow at him. “Cut the bullshit, little bro. We all know you haven’t been to class in… How long, Jan?”

“Two months, three weeks, and four days,” Janus sing-songed.

“How the fuck do you know that?” It sounded about right, anyway, and Roman had a feeling that if he denied it this would just take even longer. He spun around in his chair and picked up a pen from his desk. “It’s my business if I don’t go to class.”

“Called my sister. Jannie takes all your classes, you know…” There was the sound of shifting fabric, and when Roman glanced back, Janus was sitting up and tucked under Remus’ arm again, looking very much as though Remus had just placed him there.

“You’re right, Ro. It’s not my business if you’re not going to class.” One of Remus’ hands trailed slowly up and down Janus’ arm, so casually Roman could almost believe that his brother didn’t realise he was doing it. “But it is my business that my little brother isn’t taking care of himself anymore. You haven’t answered my calls since before winter break. You obviously haven’t been eating healthily - this pizza tastes like you fished it out of the garbage, by the way, and I would know - and you look as though you haven’t seen the sunlight since last July.”

The assessment wasn’t quite fair. Roman might have been skipping classes, but it wasn’t as though he had just been lying in his room and wasting away! “I went to the gym last week. And I auditioned for the musical in March. I’m fine, Remus! Can I go to bed now?”

“No! We’re going to a club!”

Janus had nodded enthusiastically at Remus’ words, then rested his head on his partner’s shoulder as Roman shook his head slowly. “I don’t want to go to a club. I want to go to bed. I have class tomorrow.”

“Nope.” Remus’ hand rose to tangle absently in Janus’ hair. “We’re going to a club, and you’re gonna find some hottie to fuck all the yearning for Remy right out of you. Then you’ll feel much better!”

“You’re pulling my ha-”

“Fuck no. We’re not doing that.” Roman pressed his palms into his eyes, then stood up and jerked his door open. “Can you go now?”

“Give me one good reason why you getting laid is a bad thing right now, Ro, and we’ll leave.” Roman had gotten as far as opening his mouth before Remus interrupted. “See? You can’t. You need to move on, man. Clinging to Remy is clearly unh-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“-ealthy, and- What?”

Maybe it was because it was four in the morning. Maybe it was because Roman hadn’t been sleeping well anyway, and Remus had managed to step on the last of his fraying nerves. Maybe it was just because he wished it was true.

“I have a boyfriend,” Roman repeated, and felt a strange sense of satisfaction at the obvious shock on Janus’ usually impassive face. “Three months. Met just after term started. It’s pretty serious, actually.”

“Bullshit.” Remus looked half impressed.

Now it was irritation that flickered through Roman. Was it really so unbelievable that he could have found somebody else? “It’s not.”

“You fucked yet?”

“Remus…” There was a warning note in Janus’ voice, and Remus sighed.

“None of my business. Got it. Do we get to meet him?”

“He’s shy.”

“Which is another way of saying he doesn’t exist.”

“Asshole. It’s another way of saying that it’s four in the fucking morning and he’s asleep. You’ll meet him at the wedding, anyway - I’m going to ask him to be my plus one when Patton sends out the RSVP date.” The words had been out of his mouth before he had had time to regret them, and Roman had spent the last eight months trying to sidestep questions about his non-existent boyfriend.

He had later found out that Remus and Janus hadn’t really come down to see him. They had gone to Los Angeles to celebrate their two year wedding anniversary and decided they might drop in while in the area. (Just because they had eloped rather than holding a big party, Janus had commented idly, didn’t mean they couldn’t celebrate it).

But now it was December, and Roman was partner-less and running out of excuses. His lie had gotten out of control, and he had ended up asking Patton and Virgil to include his partner in the guest numbers. He had invented dates they had been on for his mother when she had asked, and he insisted that his boyfriend was shy and had practically no internet presence anyway, so knowing his name wouldn’t help anybody.

He could just say that the two of them had broken up and go home alone, of course.

But that would mean disrupting the meticulous wedding seating plan Virgil and Patton had been making for months.

Besides, Roman was fairly certain that nobody in his family really believed in his mystery boyfriend, and failure to produce one after months of insisting that they would meet… Well, he didn’t want to open himself to that sort of ridicule.

Of course, it didn’t look as though he had much choice.

He hadn’t managed to make many friends at college.

In his first year, Roman had spent a lot of time trying to keep on top of his schoolwork and working toward the various theatre productions the school had put on; all of his free time he had spent planning dates for when he and Remy finally visited one another, or else video calling his boyfriend. There simply hadn’t been time to make many friends during that.

His second year… Well, Remus had been right. He had spent most of his time in his room, eating junk food, watching sappy romance films, and missing Remy.

So far, he had spent his third year trying to bring his grades back up to something more respectable… And missing Remy.

He knew it was pathetic. It had been almost a year and a half since they had broken up, and he still missed being able to call someone to talk about nothing at all at two in the morning, missed planning extravagant dates, missed the feel of hands in his hair and lips on his.

At least his floor was cleaner than it had been last year. And he had eaten slightly less fast food this semester than the previous one.

Roman’s phone chimed again. With a frustrated groan, he made his way over to his desk.

[Looking forward to seeing you on Monday!!! <3 <3 <3 !!!]

Pops 23:25

Patton.

[Me too, Padre! I’ll bring some of that fudge from the shop you love!]

Roman 23:26

[eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee <33333333 Can you get some of the currents+salt? Vee loved it last time + I want to surprise him]

Pops 23:26

[Will do. Looking forward to seeing you too!]

Roman 23:27

Patton would probably be the most understanding if Roman decided to come clean about his lying - but Patton was the worst secret keeper Roman had ever met. He and Virgil had been dating for almost three years, and in that time the thin voice actor had managed to spill every single plot twist in every single show he had watched or acted in. Roman had no doubt that Virgil would know that he was bringing home fudge within the next hour. If he admitted to Patton that he had been lying about having a date for the wedding, Roman would get Patton’s kind - if confused - reassurances, and half an hour later he would get the mixture of mockery and horrible pity that would come with the rest of his family finding out that he still wasn’t over Remy.

Roman let his phone slip through his fingers and land on his desk once more. Three days, and then he’d have to come clean - until then, he could just avoid thinking about it. Collecting the overflowing basket from the corner of the room (he had been putting off doing laundry for a while now), Roman left his room and headed toward the building’s basement laundry room. Term had finished last week and it was almost midnight - he doubted anybody would be down there now. Most people had probably already gone home, or were making the most of the free time to go out rather than spend it doing chores.

The light was off in the basement when he got there, so Roman left it that way as he loaded his clothing into one of the machines.

Moving around in the dark was far more of a Virgil move than a Roman one, but he couldn’t help himself. There was something comforting about the-

“Sweet fucking Shakespeare!” Roman’s hand flew up to cover his eyes as light burst through the small room, quickly followed by the strong smell of coffee.

“Sorry! I was unaware that there would be anybody in here.” As Roman dropped his hand, blinking owlishly in the sudden light, the newcomer made his way over to the machine on the far side of the room from him. “Most people prefer not to fumble around in the dark.”

Remus or Remy would have made some comment about how fumbling around in the dark could be quite fun really. Roman just shrugged. “It’s been a long day.”

He had expected the other man to say something; instead, silence fell over the room, broken only by the sound of the powder tray being opened, filled, and closed again.

Roman didn’t mean to stare, but he couldn’t help it. He had seen the person in the room next to him only twice so far this term, and only knew his name because the mailroom was organised by room number rather than alphabetically, and the name Roman Prince was right next to Logan Ursa.

Logan looked more tired than he had on either of the other times Roman had seen him. There were deep bags under his eyes, the shadows almost deeper than Virgil’s had been at the height of his eyeliner experiments, and the black ponytail that hung halfway to his waist was missing, replaced with what could only be described as a thicket of tangled hair. It looked as though he had been outside even less than Roman had in the past few months: his skin was so pale it seemed to glow under the fluorescent laundry-room lights. There was a steaming mug and a thick book on the lid of the machine beside him, and Roman had the strong feeling that it wasn’t the first coffee Logan had had that evening.

The washing machine Logan had been loading began to rumble, and as the other student straightened up and picked up his book, Roman made himself duck back down to finish his own task.

He’d have to come back to collect his clothing later - Roman suddenly regretted deciding to get this done now, when it meant he would have to return at almost two in the morning, but there wasn’t much he could do about it now.

“Do you want me to leave the light on?” He was more trying to make conversation than anything else: Logan was perched on one of the machines in the corner, nose already buried in what Roman could now see was a heavy medical textbook.

“Obviously.”

Yeah, he probably should have guessed that.

Logan was still in the laundry room when Roman returned to collect his clothing two hours later. He was still sat on the same machine, although now he was speaking into his phone in what sounded like rapid Italian. (It definitely wasn’t Spanish: Roman was almost fluent in Spanish). (The languages were similar, but although he could guess at a few words, he had no idea what was going on). (Not that he was eavesdropping, of course). Logan’s hair was even messier than it had been before, and out of the corner of his eye Roman caught him jerking his free hand through it once or twice.

Roman pulled his now-warm and dry clothing from the machine and dumped it into his laundry basket, doing his best to ignore the way Logan was practically shouting behind him, but couldn’t stop himself from startling at the wordless, frustrated yell that came from the taller man a few minutes later. He was halfway to the door, but paused and glanced at Logan, who was stuffing his phone angrily into the oversized hoodie he was wearing.

“Everything okay over there?”

“Family stuff,” came the snappish response. Roman watched for a few seconds as Logan knelt in front of his own machine and began jerking clothing from it, folding pants as though he wished he were ripping them to pieces instead, then throwing several dark shirts over his shoulder and stalking over to one of the ironing stations.

“Pretty loud family stuff,” Roman commented, then wondered why he was bothering. It had been clear from his first meeting with Logan that the other student wasn’t there to make friends: Roman had been carrying a large cardboard box into his room the day he had moved in, and bumped into him in the hallway. Logan had looked him up and down, said something like, “Keep the volume down. I’m here to work,” and marched past him as though Roman were no more interesting than a hat stand.

Sure enough, Logan didn’t turn to face him, instead ironing a shirt in a manner that strongly hinted that he wanted to make it beg for mercy. “None of your business family stuff.”

“Are you-”

“None. Of your. Business.” This time, Logan actually did glance over his shoulder, and fixed Roman with a scowl that suggested that if he didn’t drop it, his face was going to be the next thing under the iron.

Roman left quickly. He had done his best to be friendly, and if Logan wasn’t interested, that was his problem. He didn’t seem like the sort of person Roman would really want to be friends with anyway.

Logan’s haggard expression lingered in his mind as he made his way back up to his dorm room and began stuffing his now-clean clothes into his wardrobe. He should probably start packing - his suitcase was sitting open and empty against one wall - but he had plenty of time.

Besides, he was exhausted.

Roman had changed into a pair of sweatpants and gotten into bed by the time he heard the door to the room next to his slam shut. Clearly, Logan was still annoyed by whatever ‘family stuff’ had had him first yelling into his phone and then taking his frustration out on his laundry and somebody trying to be friendly.

How long could Logan hold a grudge? Was he the kind of person who would calm down after a couple of hours of sleep, or would whatever he had been arguing about be hanging over him for the next week or so? That would make the winter break uncomfortable…

Or maybe he wasn’t going home. He had looked pretty invested in the textbook he had been studying earlier, despite it being almost midnight and no longer termtime. Maybe Logan was going to stay in the dorms over the winter break and use the hours without lectures for private study.

That sounded like a lonely way to spend the next three weeks.

The idea struck Roman suddenly, and he sat bolt upright in bed, the kind of elation that only comes with golden inspiration coursing through him. He would persuade Logan to come back home with him for the holidays! If Janus took it to mind to ask Janine about him, she’d be able to verify that Logan didn’t socialise much; all he would have to do would be show up briefly for the wedding, and he could spend the remainder of the holiday studying all he wanted, away from ‘family stuff’!

He would ask Logan the following morning, and when he agreed, Roman would book the plane tickets home - he’d pay, of course. Or rather, he’d use the money his mother had sent him so that he could bring his fictional boyfriend home. Either way, Logan wouldn’t have to spend any money himself!

Laying back down, Roman pulled his thin blanket back up to his neck and rolled onto his side, satisfaction warming him more thoroughly than any hot drink could.

This was the best idea he’d ever had.

“That is the worst idea I have ever heard.” Logan glanced into the hallway over Roman’s shoulder as though expecting an audience for a practical joke. “I cannot believe you have wasted my time listening to you.”

“Is… That a maybe?” Roman tilted his head and gave Logan his best puppy eyes.

Alas, Logan’s heart must have been made of stone. “No.” He made to slam the door.

Well, Roman couldn’t have that. It had been difficult enough to get Logan to even open the door in the first place, and harder still to get him to listen beyond the initial “I need you to do me a huge favour, okay, but it works out for you too.” In hindsight, maybe he shouldn’t have led with that. But then he had explained, and for some reason Logan was still trying to close the door on him.

“Ow!”

“That was entirely your fault.”

“You just slammed the door on my foot!”

“You did put your foot there after I had begun closing the door. My point stands.”

Technically, Logan was correct, but Roman wasn’t there to quibble over technicalities. “You got the part where I’d pay for your flights, right? All you have to do is show up for one day in something resembling formalwear, and in return you get rent free accommodation and food all holiday! Plus company!”

“I have too much to do to pretend to be your boyfriend for three weeks for no reason. Find somebody else.” Logan made to close the door again, and this time Roman caught it with his hand.

“There is nobody else!” Roman was aware that he was beginning to sound desperate. “You’re like, the only person I know!”

“That sounds like your personal problem, not mine.” Several strands of hair had fallen from the impressive tangle around Logan’s ears and into his face, and he blew them out of the way. His breath smelled like coffee - bitter coffee. Roman wrinkled his nose. “Let go of my door.”

“Come on, Logan! What else are you going to be doing this holiday?”

“Studying! I have exams to pass!”

“You can study at my place. You won’t have to pay holiday rent there!”

“I won’t have to pay holiday rent if I go to my mom’s place, either! Let go of my door!”

Roman finally pulled his aching foot out of the way, but didn’t remove his hand from the wood. “You don’t want to go back to your mom’s place, though, do you? The phonecall -”

The glare that Logan sent him could have frozen the insides of a volcano, and his voice was suddenly cold enough to make Roman shiver. “Good day, Roman.” This time, Roman jerked his hand out of the way, and the door snapped shut in his face.

Shit. Maybe he shouldn’t have tried to use Logan’s ‘family stuff’ against him. He made a note of that for future reference, then hammered against the door again.

“Please, Logan!”

Silence.

“I’ll be forever in your debt!”

More silence. Maybe Logan would prefer something a little more extravagant?

“I’ll sing of your virtues from the rooftop every night for the rest of the year!”

Nothing.

Okay, maybe that had been a little much. Logan had made it clear that he was there to work and didn’t want to be disturbed in his caffeine fueled study crusades, so something excessive was possibly the wrong way to persuade him to do this.

Oh-

“I’ll pay for your coffee for the rest of the year?”

Roman held his breath and waited.

And waited.

Just when he thought that he had been wrong and that Logan really wasn’t going to be persuaded, the door opened the tiniest of amounts. Logan was still frowning at him, but some of the ice was gone from his expression.

“That’s your dealbreaker? Coffee?”

“I drink a lot of coffee.” A slight deepening in the crease between Logan’s eyes told Roman not to push the subject. “You need a date to a wedding. In return, you pay for my flight there and back, provide accommodation for the duration of the winter vacation, and keep me supplied with coffee for the rest of the year.”

“Well, a wedding, the reception, any pre-wedding parties, and keeping up the act while we’re around other people,” Roman corrected, counting on his fingers. From the irritated twitch of Logan’s left eye, he got the feeling that he hadn’t mentioned the reception or the potential stag night in his initial pitch.

“Blue Moon or Red Planet.”

“What?”

“The coffee. I like Blue Moon or Red Planet coffee. They’re more expensive, so I don’t expect them every time - maybe a ratio of three regular jars to one nice jar.”

Roman blinked. “Uh… Okay.”

Logan nodded once. More hair fell over his eyes. “I’ll draw up a schedule and provide you with estimated projections of my coffee habits for the rest of the year so you can budget accordingly. When do we leave?”

“Um… Monday.” Still reeling from Logan’s sudden and complete 180, Roman cast around for something to say, but the long haired man got there first.

“Monday. That gives us approximately two and a half days to draw boundaries and fabricate enough pictures and stories to give our deceit credibility.” Logan closed his eyes, and Roman realised that he was staring again. He hadn’t expected the other to take this in stride so quickly. “Given that I have work to finish today and you will likely need several hours on Sunday evening to pack… Have you told your family how long we have been romantically involved?”

“Uh, since January. But I told them you were shy, so we don’t have to have any pictures or anything - we can say that all our dates were just pizza and Netflix, and…” He tailed off at the incredulous look on Logan’s face. “What?”

“You expect them to believe that we have been dating for eleven months and you haven’t taken a single photo? Roman, I have listened to you belting the lyrics of more break-up songs than I care to count.” Roman shrugged, and Logan rolled his eyes. “You are quite clearly a romantic. Had we really been dating, the number of pictures you would have taken on whatever extravagance you planned for our six-month anniversary alone would be infinitesimal.”

He had a point.

Roman had already stretched his family’s belief in him to breaking point (and probably well past it) by refusing to share even the smallest thing about his ‘boyfriend’ over the past eleven months; if he didn’t get home on Monday with at least a couple of dozen photos to share, their charade would be over before it could ever really begin. “Right. You’re right. We’ll need to spend the weekend planning, doing a photoshoot - it’ll be fun!”

“You,” Logan started, already retreating, “obviously have a different definition of that word than I do. Eight thirty tomorrow morning, The Roost. Bring a notepad, your phone, and a couple of changes of clothing suitable for various weather conditions.”

“Eight thirty? A prince needs his beauty-”

“Eight thirty. We are going to do this properly.”

Roman’s phone was in his hand barely seconds after Logan’s door had closed (albeit more gently than before).

Groupchat: Princes and Co.

[Can’t wait for you to meet logan!]

Roman 09:58

[a name!!!!!!!!!!]

Trash Rat 09:59

[we have a name!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

Trash Rat 09:59

[such a nice name! can’t wait either, ro!]

Pops 10:01

[About time! I’ve been stalling on the place settings for weeks waiting for this name]

Emo Nightmare 10:02

[Was about to fly out to LA to strangle it out of you]

Emo Nightmare 10:04

[he was. i had to physically restrain him from doing so yesterday]

Padre 10:04

[bet u both enjoyed that ;);););););)]

Trash Rat 10:04

Several people are typing…

[Suck a dick, Remus]

Emo Nightmare 10:05

[we did, actually]

Pops 10:05

[would but janjans at work :((]

Trash Rat 10:06

[Didn’t want to know, didn’t need to know.]

Roman 10:06

[Pat!]

Emo Nightmare 10:06

[Logan Ursa??? 4th yr medic??? Coffee addict???]

Snake Eyes 10:06

Roman stared at his phone for a second. That was faster than he had expected.

[u knew????? jan u held out on me??? the luv of ur greyspec life???]

Trash Rat 10:07

[You told Janus?! I’m your brother! He’s not even related to you!]

Emo Nightmare 10:07

[No I didn’t tell Janus!]

Roman 10:07

[I’m omniscient.]

Snake Eyes 10:08

[Plus I just asked Jannie for a list of all the Logans you could have associated with.]

Snake Eyes 10:09

[You and your sister scare me]

Roman 10:11

[He has surprisingly little internet presence.]

Snake Eyes 10:11

[Told you. He’s shy]

Roman 10:12

Sliding his phone back into his pocket, Roman returned to his room and picked up his laptop, this time to actually book the tickets he was supposed to have booked weeks ago. He had no doubt that they would arrive on Monday to discover that his family had already unearthed everything there was to know about his fake boyfriend - should he break that news to Logan before or after they were on the plane? Making the man paranoid might make their weekend photoshoot a lot more difficult.

Their photoshoot! If Logan was really on board, Roman would have to make this as easy as possible for him - and the performance of a lifetime for himself. Given that he was expected to bring a notebook to their meeting tomorrow, they were going to have to do a lot of brainstorming, so he might as well start coming up with ideas now. He already had a few as he grabbed a notepad from the mess on the floor and started hunting for a pencil.

No matter what his fake date said, this weekend was going to be a lot of fun.

#AUgust 2021 #fake dating au #logince #moxiety #dukeceit

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haisai-haitai · 7 years

Text

Woodpecker Children’s Home

Minor Characters (from Mika’s past edition 6/6?)

*The little house’s official name in modern human AUs, because I like to make references to their original selves. Otherwise it didn’t really have a name in the ancient days

**I’ve tried searching for the Okinawan word for youkai, like the kijimunaa are tree spirits and there are other supernatural creatures, but idk I just can’t find one? The closest thing I’ve found is from my wordbook: yanamun (“demon, evil spirit, apparition; villain; a bad thing”) which well literally breaks down to “bad thing” so no… And then there’s bakimun (cognate to bakemono; “monster, ogre, goblin, witch”).

***part one, two, three, four, five (although this, part six, is pretty much unrelated to the other ones)

Tan-mee

たんめー

Nicknames/Alias:

Tanmee actually. The word itself means “grandfather” however it’s said a toddler started this. They called him something like tana/tanan/tantan (apparently imitating a woodpecker’s knocks), then either that child when they were older, or other children, affixed -mee「前」to it (a respectful honorific meaning “before; previous”) thus creating tan-mee.

Tui-gwaa「鳥小 (とぅいぐぁー) “birdie, little bird"」

Taarii …or at least the children would like to call him “father”

Real name: unknown… kind of. It’s some whistle-chirp.

Species: Okinawa woodpecker bakimun

Looks: Straight wine-red hair, shoulder-length and tied in a low ponytail, straight bangs, and two thin chin-length locks that framed his face. Black eyes, with a tired but kind expression.

The eponymous woodpecker who takes in those in need (mostly children).

More about him will be in a different post.

THE CHILDREN

Most had an affectionate nickname during their stay; these ended with -gwaa or -ngwa (a diminutive suffix in Okinawan; think like - chan for Japanese). For some this was the first name they ever had; others had a name before they arrived. They usually leave with a different name.

Nee-ngwa

苗小 (ねーんぐぁ); "sapling"

Species: Okinawa or Ryukyu flying fox

Admission: deformed/underdeveloped wings, cleft lip; uknown/undecided arrival

Looks: Hair worn in two low side ponytails. She always wore a bandanna over her nose and mouth

The oldest (an adult) of the little house, and de facto "eldest sister.”

Tan-mee would sometimes leave her in charge if he had to take care of something.

Seemingly mute, but she does talk/whisper as she’s passed on information/tales from the past - regarding what she has witnessed, and what the children who were at Tan-mee’s when she arrived had told her.

She willingly keeps on the bandanna even though she’s been told it’s fine to not wear it.

Ami-gwaa

雨小 or 雨子 (あみぐぁー); “rain" or “drizzle, light rain”

Species: half-human, other half is something along the lines of a water or rain sprite/nymph/spirit

Admission: likely for being a halfling; entrusted into Tan-mee’s care as a toddler

Looks: Straight black hair, different locks in braids but with plenty of hair still loose. She had ice-blue eyes with cloudy-gray ring in the middle.

About 8 or 9 years old when Mika showed.

She was very caring but could sometimes demonstrate a cocky wisecracking streak. A confident and responsible girl.

She was Shirunna’s buddy, and was the first to braid Mika’s hair.

She made wunai-tiisaaji (kerchief made by a sister and presented to her brother to keep him safe while on a journey) for Kaaroh (a light blue one) and for Mika (a red one).

Chii-gwaa

釣小 (ちーぐぁー); "fishhook"

Later Name: Chiigani (fishhook)

Species: human

Admission: around the age of 5 or 6 was accidentally separated from family and lost in the woods; was found by Tan-mee

Looks: Straight black hair, a bit spiky. He had a very squinty eye, that half the time was closed.

The oldest boy at the time, so de facto "eldest brother.” About 12 or 13 when Mika showed, and ‘assigned’ to be his buddy. A happy and dependable brother.

Shirunna

蜆 (しるんな); “basket clam"

Species: demon(*?)

Admission: runaway, abuse, fear of men; found by Ami-gwaa around the age of 7 to 10

Looks: Light hair that draped over her face. Light eyes with partial heterochromia.

Incredibly timid and nervous due to trauma, clung to Ami-gwaa who she also spoke through.

About 9 to 11 years old when Mika showed, whom she eventually and very slowly partnered up with to work through some of their troubles together.

Kaa-ngwa

川小 (かーんぐぁ); "river"

Later Name: Kaaroh (both rivers)

Species: Ryukyu scops owl bakimun

Admission: fell from nest, broken wing; saved from a river by Tan-mee as a newborn

About 3 or 4 years old when Mika showed.

A chipper little boy who left a few years later to travel around the coast.

It appears that his nest may have been attacked, as he had a damaged wing. He was originally a mortal owl, but the night after he was saved he turned into a youkai out of grief.

Miitsichi

三月 (みーつぃち); “three moons” March

Nickname: Chijuu (a person with curly or wavy hair)

Species: dog bakimun

Admission: stray, abuse, ill; brought in after collapsing near the house at an estimated age of 9 to 12

A stray dog, of poor health mentally and physically when found. Eventually recovered enough to reveal a boy that was lively, sharp, and feisty.

He left a few years after Kaaroh, but returned decades later.

Ohsa-gwaa

青葉小 (おーさぐぁー); "leafy vegetables"

Species: half-human

Admission: being a halfling + medical complications; left on a path near the little house at the estimated age of 6

Looks: Undecided, but hair was tied in a ponytail that leaned more to one side. Had one leg.

A happy boy who was a little slow, who ended up in Tan-mee’s care after Mika but before Juu-gwaa.

Tan-mee suspected that someone else must have been caring for him, before (for reasons unknown) he was left on a path near the little house.

He suspected the boy had a weak heart from how he tired after a while of playing. He eventually passed away.

Juu-gwaa

尾小 (じゅーぐぁー); "tail"

Species: human

Admission: born with a tail, abandoned out of suspicion/superstition; found by Tan-mee as an infant, likely left in the forest to die

Looks: Dark brown hair and dark eyes

A human baby boy who ended up in Tan-mee’s care a couple of years after Mika showed. It looked like he was becoming a good kid.

*When Mika returned decades later, all "the children” he had known had left Tan-mee’s with the exception of Ami-gwaa. It’s known that Chiigani lived to become an old man with grandchildren; he had passed by the time Mika returned to the island. The size of the house varies across years, and it was rather small when he returned

Saajaa

鷺 (さーじゃー), “white heron"

Species: human

Admission: albino, nearsighted as side effect; undecided/unknown arrival

Looks: Light hair either very light blond or white, and pale blue eyes which looked red/violet under certain lighting conditions. Wrapped a cloth/sheet around his self to protect himself from the tropical sun.

A very helpful boy, always willing to try his best.

Fuu-gwaa

福小 (ふーぐぁー); "good luck"

Species: demon(*?)

Admission: deaf; unknown/undecided arrival

Looks: Short brown hair and hazel eyes

Younger than Saajaa. She was calm and willing to approach people.

Yuuna

大浜朴・黄槿 (ゆーな), "sea hibiscus"

Species: human

Admission: found wandering in the forest in her mid-teens; unknown/undecided reason

Looks: Long brown hair, tied half back. Dark eyes.

A young lady who ended up in Tan-mee’s care a few years after Mika’s return.

(*?) = I haven’t decided if they have human blood too yet, so they may be full-blooded demon or half or idk. Also I haven’t decided what kind of demon they are.

#yaashigwaaぬscraps #(行逢りば兄弟～ no man is an island)#[long post because it's lots of a names #[but each entry is really short okay #[because they're not fully developed especially the later ones]#[i mean... the month of 'march' didnt exist yet...]

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vivithefolle · 4 years

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Ron’s greatest acts of bravery

An itty-bitty butthurty Harmony shipper reported this answer of mine and got it deleted by the Quora moderation. Naturally, I have contested this decision, but my appeal has been unanswered as of now. So here’s what we’re going to do, folks: I’m gonna repost this answer of mine here, where no angwy widdle Hawmony shipper can censor it. And y’all are going to spam the reblog button until people can’t go in the Harry Potter tag without finding this answer reblogged at least five times over. Good? Good.

(this is totally a demarcation line I don’t know what you’re talking about)

What was Ron Weasley's greatest act of bravery in any of the Harry Potter movies or books?

We of course have the mythical “I’ll be a knight” but that’s so easy. Ron would die for his loved ones any day of any week, because that’s how stupidly selfless and self-effacing he is.

There is the equally mythical “If you want to kill Harry, you’ll have to kill us too!” which reeks of badassery and awesomeness, but it has also been quoted before, and to be fair that wasn’t one of Ron’s greatest acts of bravery. Oh, yes, it is incredibly brave, but Ron has plenty more of those to give.

One that is often forgotten is “He beat you!”, spoken to Voldemort in the flesh, which also highlights just how far Ron has come from the beginning of the series - because unlike what the haters want you to believe, Ronald Weasley has an actual character arc. An arc that keeps getting reseted and postponed in-between books because his author is too busy trying to make her Mary Sue look better instead, but he has one, and it’s so perfectly illustrated by this:

"... and until Hagrid told me, I didn't know anything about be ing a wizard or about my parents or Voldemort" Ron gasped. "What?" said Harry. "You said You-Know-Who's name!" said Ron, sounding both shocked and impressed. "I'd have thought you, of all people --" - Philosopher’s Stone

—-

"Malfoy's dad must have told him," said Harry, ignoring Ron. "He was right in Voldemort's inner circle --" "Say You-Know-Who, will you?" interjected Ron angrily. - Prisoner of Azkaban

—-

“My scar hurts, and three days later the Death Eaters are on the march, and Voldemort's sign's up in the sky again." "Don't - say - his - name!" Ron hissed through gritted teeth. "And remember what Professor Trelawney said?" Harry went on, ignoring Ron. - Goblet Of Fire

—-

"You see?" said Voldemort, and Harry felt him striding backward and forward right beside the place where he lay. "Harry Potter is dead! Do you understand now, deluded ones? He was nothing, ever, but a boy who relied on others to sacrifice themselves for him!" "He beat you!" yelled Ron, and the charm broke, and the defenders of Hogwarts were shouting and screaming again until a second, more powerful bang extinguished their voices once more.

From the boy who flinched at Voldemort’s name, to the man who was the first to sass back to Voldemort when the latter dissed his best mate. To say nothing of the fact that this was the first time Ron ever saw Voldemort in the flesh. Ron had never seen Voldemort before, yet the second Voldemort says something about Harry, Ron is up in arms and ready to kill the Dark Lord with his bare hands.

We could go with the tested-and-true “follow the spiders”. Unlike in the movies where Harry immediately sees a trail of spiders and Ron follows moaning and bumbling all the while, in the books Harry and Ron are comfortably in the castle when they decide to follow. Ron has the time to psych himself up, to terrify himself into imagining the spiders, and was given the time to backtrack a million times over. But he didn’t. This one Tumblr post has said it all.

Yes, “Follow the spiders” is probably one of Ron’s bravest moments, but…

But, but, but.

There’s more.

Sure, I absolutely adore Ron and can’t choose between all those awesome moments he has to his name, because they’re all so wonderful. From the ones that highlight just how much he’s grown and developed in spite of his own author treating him like an afterthought; from the ones that showcase just how good a kid he is, how much he loves and fights for his friends; all those moments that show that no, Ron Weasley isn’t a fair-weather friend and anyone who calls him that needs a high-five in the face with a block of concrete…

Out of those moments, out of them all, I have to pick something that is too often forgotten, too often glossed over, even by those of us who love Ron.

I’m talking, naturally, of his return.

Harry had no strength to lift his head and see his savior’s identity. All he could do was raise a shaking hand to his throat and feel the place where the locket had cut tightly into his flesh. It was gone. Someone had cut him free. Then a panting voice spoke from over his head, “Are—you—mental?”

Whether you think that Ron “abandoned” Harry and Hermione, whether you think that Ron is a traitor or a man with the patience of a saint who put up with Harry and Hermione’s bullshit for too long. Whether you think the three times Harry told him to leave were a factor or whether you place the blame solely on Ron’s shoulders.

Ron comes back to save Harry’s life.

But not only that.

“No!” said Ron. “No, don’t open it! I’m serious!” “Why not?” asked Harry. “Let’s get rid of the damn thing, it’s been months—” “Because that thing’s bad for me!” said Ron, backing away from the locket on the rock. “I can’t handle it! I’m not making excuses, Harry, for what I was like, but it affects me worse than it affected you and Hermione, it made me think stuff — stuff I was thinking anyway, but it made everything worse. I can’t explain it, and then I’d take it off and I’d get my head on straight again, and then I’d have to put the effing thing back on—I can’t do it, Harry!” He had bakced away, the sword dragging at his side, shaking his head.

Ron came back, even though he knew it would mean being with the thing that had tortured him all this time.

The thing that latched onto all of Ron’s weak spots, cultivated them, weaponized them, used them to push Ron closer and closer to the edge, until he couldn’t take it anymore and snapped. (Funny how some will act as though Hermione’s birds were her “snapping”, but when Ron is holding Voldemort’s soul in his hands and going insane under their very eyes they just say “hurr durr teh locket didnt do nuthin”…)

And with this thing preying on him, tormenting him, Ron did what any rational, sane human being would have done when their abuser forgets to lock the door.

He opened it and ran.

But, but, but, and that’s where the bravery comes in.

He came back.

He knew there was this thing that preyed upon him relentlessly, a thing that managed to make him believe his best friends didn’t want nor cared about him, that his entire existence amounted to nothing, that he was just a waste of space nobody wanted around.

“Why return? We were better without you, happier without you, glad of your absence... We laughed at your stupidity, your cowardice, your presumption —”

“You mother confessed,” sneered Riddle-Harry, while Riddle-Hermione jeered, “that she would have preferred me as a son, would be glad to exchange...” “Who wouldn’t prefer him, what woman would take you, you are nothing, nothing, nothing to him,” crooned Riddle-Hermione

Ron fled from this sort of abuse, from this sort of torture, then he decided to come back for more.

Because even though he believed his friends didn’t need him, even though he thought his friends were better off without him, he still wanted to make himself useful. He still wanted to help.

And once he’d saved Harry, he was back to facing the entity that has been torturing him, and that entity proceeded to show off Ron’s deepest, most shameful secrets… to his best mate.

Ron’s entire self-esteem is tied to the way his loved ones perceive him:

“You did brilliantly, Ron!” This time it really was Hermione running toward them from the stands; Harry saw Lavender walking off the pitch, arm in arm with Parvati, a rather grumpy expression on her face. Ron looked extremely pleased with himself and even taller than usual as he grinned at the team and at Hermione.

The image the Mirror of Erised showed Ron was one of glory and fame… or was it?

"No -- I'm alone -- but I'm different -- I look older -- and I'm head boy!" "What?" "I am -- I'm wearing the badge like Bill used to -- and I'm holding the house cup and the Quidditch cup -- I'm Quidditch captain, too."

Being Head Boy and Quidditch captain. He could have seen himself being crowned World’s Best Emperor if he wanted, with legions of fans throwing himself at him, but that doesn’t happen.

Instead he sees himself being like Bill. Like his cool older brother. And Quidditch captain, like his other cool older brother Charlie.

What Ron wants… is to make his loved ones proud.

Ron defines himself by the way his loved ones look at him.

When Malfoy calls him an idiot he scoffs because it’s Malfoy. When Hermione calls him an idiot, though…? Ouch.

And now all of Ron’s secrets, all his feelings of inadequacy and inferiority that he has tried to keep quiet throughout the series out of respect for Harry, his deepest fears… They’re all there for Harry to see, for Harry to judge, for Harry to feel disgusted by. Because how dare Ron Weasley have problems, how dare Ron Weasley be envious of Harry Potter, whose life is nothing but suffering?

Ron’s greatest act of bravery, to me, was coming back, even though for all he knew Harry and Hermione had hooked up while he was gone (they’d never, of course, but how could he know?), even though he knew it would mean being up for Round #2 of his private torture sessions with Voldemort, even though he believed he wouldn’t be welcome…

He still came back. Because it was the right thing to do.

Anyone who’s gonna tell me that Ronald Weasley isn’t loyal to the core can suck on a cactus.

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ceeweej · 3 years

Text

YOU'LL EITHER GET IT OR YOU WON'T??????????

I HAVE ADHD AND I DIDNT KNOW IT UNTIL I WAS 24. OR 25. WHICH WAS ALSO THIS PAST YEAR (?) THAT I FIGURED IT OUT (?) (AND BRO I LITERALLY CANNOT PROCESS TIME AS OF MARCH 2020. LIKE IM COOL. IM WITH IT. BUT I DONT *FEEL* IT.)

IS THE REASON I'M SO /RELATABLE/ BECAUSE I SAY "Y'KNOW" A LOT?

THAT ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE A JOKE BUT IM RLY THINKING ABOUT IT BECASUSE ADDINBG "YKNOW" AFTER YOU SAY A THING WITH A CERTAIN INFLECTION CLUES THE PERSON YOURE TALKING TO INTO THE FACT THAT YOUR TONE WAS SIGNIFICANT

BTW SPEAKING OF TONE

IM NOT ACTUALLY SHOUTING. I JUST FEEL THE NEED TO TYPE IN CAPS RN. I THINK IT..... HELPS ME....? HOLY SHIT. I'VE NEVER MADE THAT CONNECTION BEFORE. IT TOOK ME LIKE. OK ITS PROBABLY BEEN 6 MONTHS OF KNOWING FOR SURE ABOUT ADHD (BUT STILL NOT *FOR SURE* FOR SURE BC LIKE I DIDNT GET A SPECIALIST EVALUATION BUT LIKE........... WE KNOW)

wERE ALL tjer FUICKING HOMESTUCK TROLLS SUPPOSED TO BE

NEURODIVERGENT. scratch that straight up every homestuck character is literally neurodivergent i will not be accepting any feedback or criticism on this point

god ansd like. listen this

im just. okay listen ig i;m not Masking my typing, let's sat. if i just keep all the tpypoos in my tpyiong there because thats hiw it ha[pens. Okay. Now I am gong Slow. I'm Wow. actually. going slow and typing right i can't. Think the same. Ialso instinctively backspace to fix typos more when going slow. ooooh..... wait. broi literlally. forgot that TYPING IS A SKILL!!!! just like! any other thing I do with my body! I was a little fucke dup internet gremlin as a child becAUSE!@! NECAUSE!!!!! I WAS BULLIED FOR BEING NEURODIVERGENT COUGH COIYGH AHEM COUGH ADSFDSHJNDFBC HFJGFKUYTLASF

omg dude like honestly thinkijg of posting this and someone reading it is acruallt so funny., is this art?> do you know what i am saying? I am not dont thing. ??????? hello? I am not doing this intentionally. I havent been able to shut my bra i n o f fffff let me go back to doing Research on..... ohhh hmy god. i mean this is how people DO IT. THIS IS WHY TUMBLR IS THE ONLY VALID PLATFORM. THE SHIT IS READABLWE!!! I CAN READ ALL OF WHAT IM TYPING AS I GO AND I CAN STREAM OF CONCHOIIUS. CONCHES. like the shell. its a pun. self conches. idk, thats what my brain says whenever i think Self Conscious. I think it's because I always mix up Conscious and Conscience. Do? Do you? YOU? I am genuinely asking like it;s gonna sound like maybe I am being weird internet Funny man. But listen, if you are reading this please tell me. I havent asked the question yet, here it is: Do you think about words in this way???? Am I literally insane! Like I make sense to em (me). Like I have to self edit every thing that comes out of my entire being. But god, doesn't everyone? Is the issue that I do it or that i'm aware of it? I'm questioning myself. i find myswlf! ASKING@!! WHYN CANT YOY JUST! DO IT! JUST DO IT FO ITY DO IT DO IT DOTI DTFHGFH

but i

i dont think i can?

and like

im...... like im fine with that. in fact i tjink it's cool and sexy of me to see things differently. i didnt say this at the start of this but i find it actuallly--

[ UJHHHHHH INSANE NOW THAST YA MENTION IT THAT I COULD WRITE AS MUCH AS I WANT ON A TUMBLR POST AND IOT JUST EXISTS LIKLE THAT. LIKE. IM SURE INSTAGRAM CAPRTIONS HAVE A CHARACTER LIMIT *EVENTUALLY?*** RI]

-- like something else i realized is. I dont think I haaaaave disassociative identity disorder. And i am fully aware that I could be overpathologizing. at present i have had *pretty severe* insomnia

i dont think much has changed ok yeah i really dont. know. im like "no, i've always felt this way. i'm normal. <3" whats disassociative identitity disorder?

i feel like it could be true that i have an Identity Disorder. i have had issues with mySelf and how i View myself and how other Perceive me and what others Think of me and. phewwww yknow???

one thing! too!

what IS mania???

that wasnt it that was something else

I DONT FEEL BAD I JUST FEEL DIFFERENT

---- ok so like this section right here is gonna be another homestuck thing:? --

god shut tf up

like it's meaning less i know it's nonsense. it's compulsive? Whatever its how im coping bc i cant fucking sleep and i hate not being able to fucking SLEEP BINGO THATS IT THERE IT IS I HAVE T R A U M A ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO SFALL THE FUCK ASLEEP

and UHHHH trauma thats mildly related to homestuck but in a way thats entirely shitty people who werent like a part of homestuck ""fandom"" per se treated me at the time i was Reading it and nothing to do with the actual comic itsef which is just forever Tainted. i had a big brain thought about epil. epidemic memory. im feeling scared? now bc i realize my mom does this exact same thing. i didn't use to. why scared? i Smoke Oui'd now and hmmmmmmHMMMM my mom made me scared of drugs. oh my god. my mom literally lied to me and i could tell but i came to the wrong conclusion? or. no i couldnt tell she was lyi

i COULD tell. I could tell that my mom, when she said that she expeimented with drugs to "see what they were like" like, she literally phrased it something like , "" i REMEMBER That. i (signaling me to me) REMEMBER (sticks out that what i (subject) (me) is doing is REMEMBERING something (use memory part of brain) (ok) (types note to myself to.... RUN THE PROCESS? BEFORE THE PROCESS STARTS? BC WOAAAHHHH BRAIN WORK. IS THAT. WHAT DOES IT SAY THAT I AM AWARE OF THAT? AM I MAKING ANY SENSE AT ALL?

this is so chaotic it's so funny to me. esp the more i focus and normally i would........ look away or dissOCIATE??? TO KEEP ZONING OUT???? AAAUUHGHHH AAAAAHHH PSYCHIC DAMAGE UNTO ME OOHHHH AAUOOWWIIEEE

but NOW im trying to be mindful and Expressive of literally how i feal with every goddamn keystroke that i have the ability to control. if u dont get it jsut move on babt there's a lot to it. mayb e iu'll reference something later that will make it make sense that's thje BEAUTY OF IT stay WITH ME on the JOURNEY i would chastise myself for Explaining it to you but god all i wamnt and strive for is to be Understood. and my system MAKES SENSE! If you let it make sense! See through the Etrrors. somer of them are because my hands are Really hurting and burning ooo aaaa but imtriyng to be mindful of it, becausde again, somrtimes i do this anyway and i just Dissociate and

wow. shit. ok. that was Hurting me. i took a break and did some stretches. could do more. should look into getting a good dication machine but. if i cant Type it i cant get my Meaning Across the same. yknow when john green margo? margot? fuck ow from uhhh

ok whatever not important i guess cabt be FUN with CARPAL TUNNEL

i have so many more thoughts but theyll have to Wait

goodnight

- its 6am!

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sevdrag · 4 years

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dreamwidth update: isolation

(content warnings: i just talk about the shit that's going on rn cause i gotta, but if any of it is triggering for you, be careful or scroll past)

so, as it turns out - as anyone could have predicted - i'm behind AF on nano.

look, a lot of it is that the first week of november got tied up in the hellhole that was america's election. fuck. i had done a lot of research and i knew what to expect and i STILL DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT. that entire week was draining as fuck and even the relief of them finally calling it for biden was destructive and devastating in its own way. (i cried. i dont ever cry. i fucking bawled.)

and some of it is another lesson in preparation. i have a great outline for this novel! i know all the plot beats for all three plotlines! but i didn't practice getting into either character's voice, so while im still writing, it's very third-person-onmicient type, very distant, rather than the third-person-intimate that im going for.

and ive become STUPIDLY hung up on that! LIKE, ITS STOPPING ME FROM WRITING. i realize i just need to forge ahead and i'll find their voices eventually, but like, brain matter no go. head empty no thots.

SURPRISINGLY, though, if i count all words i've written (including nano, patreon, work words, fanfic, etc) i am on pace to hit the 50K. guess what I might be doing, rather than focusing entirely on the nano words. fml. etc.

my two oldest nieces are coming this weekend for their birthday celebration. when they were young i decided that instead of birthday gifts, what each girl got was a weekend alone, just with me, where we would do super fun things and they get to have all of the focused attention from their aunt and uncle. it's worked great, but this year, because of the rona, their schedules are all fucked up (you would not BELIEVE what my bro and SIL have had to work out to manage both of their jobs with 3 children under the age of 7 at home; it's crazy), and we wanted to limit the travel as well. so both girls are coming together to stay with me, to celebrate together. i'm very excited, but wow, that's also been a whirlwind.

i had to clean the entire house. the thing is, when you've been in house since march, and you're already disabled, and you're depressed, and you're tired, and you have 5 cats, the house can quickly get to a pint where you really give no more fucks about it. hugely. bigly. i had to summon my mum, Crown, and murder husband to help me out with it, but now the house is gorgeously clean and i am happy. doing all the work at once was kind of a sledgehammer to the face tho, RIP me, but i did it.

fought with Crown over a bunch of stuff too. it's resolved and we are in a better place after having it out, but that also hit me like a fucking pickup truck, thanks.

also didnt help nano.

isolation is weird. i dont mind being alone - i love being stuck in my house alone, that's like, my dream world - but i feel like i've hunkered down here in other ways as well. friends i used to talk to daily, i check in like once a week. a BIG part of that is, well, having nothing to really say. my new contract remains in covid limbo, my other work continues, and my desire to write a novel to sell is just aksjdlkasdjggs, so like, ??? why bother to talk, there's no news here, etc.

im also just not very good at staying in touch because of (reasons) and the situation is compounding that and really doubling down on it. how can i reach out to people when im spending most of my mental energy not going completely batshit??? "hey demons. it's me. your boy."

i mean i also feel like other friends are pulling back as well, probably because none of us really have anything new to say. it's just an interesting side effect of isolation, i guess?

plus it's the jazz hands depressssiioooonnnnn ~! for all of us!

i really just exist on discord these days. honestly.

ANYWAY.

i haven't yet given up on the novel, nor have i given up on trying to grow my kofi and patreon to help me out in these terrible times. (crankyoldman, thanks so much for the Kofi! that covers this month's entire Chewy order! <3 <3 aaaaaaa ILU and i miss you guys!!) it's just such a bizarre fucking time to be a conscious thinking creature and that's weird, i guess.

went to target and bought a bunch of men's shirts for the winter. sorry but for what i want men's clothes are vastly superior. you can't get a women's t-shirt that's long enough to go over hips or really be tucked in unless you find a "tunic length" and they're like $25. i got 3 mens tees for $18. i also now have a giant hoodie with thumbholes. bless.

plus big ass sports bras. i just want my tits to be comfortable. dont always bra them, but like when im cleaning they gotta be held. gently. softly cupped in place so that they don't get tossed around too much. i dont know where im going with this.

i just want to be comfortable here in my private cave.

the stasis of isolation. such an odd year it's been this last month.

Ko-fi for the cats || Patreon for CYOA and the novel || Sev's Pub, my creative works discord || carrd for the rest

comments Comment? https://ift.tt/3ngoxji

#crossposted #dreamwidth

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searchingformylostpan · 3 years

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I get discouraged from restarting every time the tumblr app crashes and i have to start over....but here we go writing it on notes this time hopefully will have a lower loss ratio. So breif overview of what was lost....i miss you: the christmas special edition, i extremely underestimated how much the drugs control me and that it is now a thing on my head that I'm considering and thinking how to go about the end all plan... not happening yet, don't get too excited. These are the most idiotic things in the world yet i always thought of myself as someone at least fairly intelligent how tf did i end up here....bc they specifically prey on people like me. People with the money to get more, the existing mental state not to be 100% psychosis level on them, and the void of any form of self love. Back in March when i was forcibly introduced to the first one, i hated myself. I was missing my best friend like crazy and trying to pretend to even myself that i didn't and i was ok. It was a significant manic episode for me, partially fuled by the true social level (if used correctly) substance. I 100% did not think he would have handed me what he did. And by the time i realized it was too late to take it back, and i was feeling the effects from it... and i was feeling good. Nothing crazy, nothing too overly manic, i was just feeling good. And as someone who only hours before had been sobbing alone at home over

Stupid choices, i was so happy. My mind was quiet, i felt like i had the energy to do anything i wanted, it was the sense of euphoria you get from it. And i didn't want to let that feeling ever go away. (I still dont want the feeling to go away, that's why I'm still in too deep with them...i know what stopping will mean and I'm really scared for that) so i did more. Only moments before i had been livid that a friend would betray me like that then the effects set in and i no longer cared about any of that, i only cared about not letting go of this happiness no matter what the cost and how fake it truly was. I got pushed in at first, but only moments later i took over and drove myself down a road i never thought i would go down. And i was happy about it. It all feels so stupid now, i can think clearer now that I'm not constantly at its whim but i also have a new deep seeded misery that not even the drugs that are designed to make you complaicent with the worst of situations can take away. I didnt see how harmful they truly were to me and to those i love, i didnt see the way they were making me become because i was too blinded by the superficial bliss they provided. I thought i was in control of them for far longer than i did have any comtrol of them, all of my power over them left the first time i willingly used. I thought i would be able to walk away no problem at all when i wanted to, but thats the problem with addiction and these two, you never want to give up that feeling because i have only brought myself to a natural point of this a few times, and all with you by my side. I still dont know how im going to be ok without them now. They were quite efective on me, percectly met their expectations. They made me feel a fleeting happiness followed by complete complacency over the reason behind my greif in the first place. I missed you so much, the first night you invited me over i was ecstatic, i was so happy you wanted to see me again, i honestly thought after everything at the beginning of the year you would never want to speak to me again for anything more than a breif hello. All of my feelings for you i had been trying to shut down for months came rushing back amd there was nothing i could do to stop it, and i had no desire to stop them. I wanted to embrace my love for you and have you with me from that day on. But no matter how much i wanted my love for you to be the only thing you saw, the drugs were running my life and their full control was hidden from me. Im so sorry for how poorly i treated you, how selfish i was for every lie i ever told you. In my trying to protect myself with the lies, that totally backfired on me...i have always wanted to tell you the full truth, i have a lot of anxiety over whatever our relationship looks like, i dont see much value in myself so im constantly baffled by your love for me. I don't feel like I'm anything special, so to have someone i love and cherish and think so highly of feel that i am worth loving and being with has been hard to belive at times...

You called and i told you i was finally ready to write the letter, its done, 7 pages front and back. It feels good to have it written, and to know its not being held over my head, but there when i need it. And if you do see me lose control, you have my full permission to send it. I know youre trying to protect me and i am very lucky to have you in my life. Thank you

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lindsaygibson · 3 years

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Thought I’d share my experience from the cult I went through in 2005-06.

this is the full truth, not alot happened, this is the bulk of it all, the whole year.

July comes around, and I am on a program called TRILLIAN, which is like a multi chat prog, anyway, my yahoo's privacy wasnt up and somehow a religious freak, I use that term loosely, approaches me.. We talk, for a while, he says the right words and BAM, I am won over..his religion is mine, we agreed and I slowly plotted to run away. For good..no turning back, no catching my breath, no cares in the world, for I would be free from my demons and be with Yah'weh and Yah'shua and those who He designed me to be with. Wow, what a path, right? Yes, I thought. :)

His mommy and daddy paid for EVERYTHING. From our train ticket, to this apartment ridded with cockroaches and a matress with dry, decayed blood all over it from a body about a year+ ago. Yes! Somebody died in it during a hot summer day!! How amazing, thank you god! His parents Bought me a bus pass..all that jazz. My knight in shining armour. Chris told us: Gotta start at the bottom, work your way up! So lovely, seeing cockroaches and a man telling me how i'm demonised and that I am his and am to soon have other wives. Oh yes. Many other wives, like the leader, Chris!

Left home, with little packed, havin my son ripped from my arms, and standing there stunned and numb and retarded and "gone" was the start of my exodus. Happened about September. Didn't care if mommy or daddy cared, didnt care if ANYONE gave a shit. GOD gave a shit. CHRIS gave a shit. DEREK gave a shit. So..onwards and upwards we went, from the dirt upwards.

Made it to Ohio ok, with me and derek bickering like 5 or 6 year olds, fuck..can you say ANNOYING. I mean come on! How to you expect a woman, young around twenty something years old, to act when she is TIED DOWN to a man, told she has several demons, has one route in life, is starving to death (all we could eat was kosher and we had verryyyy little money)... twas the beginning of sorrows.. because derek and I became married in a court.. YES, oh how romantic! A fucking COURT in OHIO. MMMHM. Lovely! No ring or NOTHIN. The whole time I wouldnt TOUCH him, go figure right? The man I married, couldn;t have sex with or touch, belittled me in every way, shape or form and yet,....he had a sexual problem.. always having a hardon when we wrestled or played, i paid attention and he hated it and thought it was wrong (this is how far gone they had him)

We stay in ohio for a month n leave for PA on October 31. or Maybe 30. Either way we left. According to chris, derek's mom or something satanic was going to happen that night and we couldnt stay..so, he forced us out of there. We move,. and all hell breaks loose. We were like..fucking kids stuck in a house TOGETHER with a boy who couldnt control his hormones and wanted me super bad (because I was his wife, remember?) and we FOUGHT like CATS AND DOGS. OMG. SHIT HIT THE FAN. We went berzerk. BUT, why is it that I remember the good times there? I dont remember the names, or when I pushed him down or when he pushed me down, I remember the good times. The big room I had, the gas heater in my room during wintertime...the mold growing behind my bed and the great sex we had in december be1cause derek figured he'd had enough and needed to get laid to fix it..that lasted a week, and he wanted Chris and Yahweh back...HMPH.

February comes around, almost saved up enough, thanks to ramen noodle soup n cheap shit we hardly ate at all, mc donalds sometimes..it was ROUGH times. but come March, oooo we were on. Now, Despite the fact that MY ticket ticket was $666 dollars and some cents, I was ok..kinda freaked out, but went along with it.

Flew out to 3 different countries (england, denmark, and norway) before finally being drove (by chris) to Sweden. Oooo, the snow :D pwetty! Anyway, yea..lotsa snow and lotsa giggles watchin derek slip on his ass due to ice.. yeahh great times.

Bout half the time through, it began..the torment.. the shit that I went through, never really spoke about till now.. the mental, emotional torture..all with very little words said.. began slowly, then I felt bad, ugly, evil, disgusting, tormentive, panicky thoughts enter my brain..stuff that you would feel in torture chambers, perhaps, only..this was supposed to be Yahwehs place, a place that was holy. Chris' excuse? "You're letting satan in..run to Yahshua! He will save you!" So..huh? Run?? What??? Huh?? I had huge mental blocks because his advice and his sermons and his "random" words were penetrating my very core..down to the bone..in my sleep, in my dreams. He began his "deliverance" alright, my deliverance from sanity! I was under deep deep hypnosis!!!

Love did NOT reside there, torment and manipulation and magick and evilness did. NO they did not drug me, NO I was not raped.. I was tormented...Look up MIND CONTROL. It is Truth! Trigger words, triggering thoughts and emotions, simple tiiiny little trigger words would ECHO through my mind and soul, shaking me to my very core. I fell and was crushed under it's pressure.

Soon enough, chris declared that satanists were after him and one of his beloved, so what was his proposal unto us?? "Yahweh will protect us, we will all stay in the holiest of holies (his room) and will stay around that area. The most precious will sleep in my room (words twisted of course) and derek and lindsay sleep in the outter areas ;) Soo...me being the little supersticious and scared little girl that they taught me that I was, was BEYOND terrified. I remember the night "they" came and Chris walked into the room, alarmed, and said "oh my god. let's close these blinds! they're staring right through the window!" Now, I was IN that room,..and..they were staring at me?? According to chris, they were trying to use me as a way to attack the group..I was the "weak" one, I was the one without a covering, I was the one who would not trust God enough to be protected. I was the one who was running. Chris taught that they can "spiritually climb, go from place to place" so we must "cut their cord and unholy ties" kinda like the matrix ;) (matter of fact, in one of the chats between derek and chris, they discuss how Jakob was given to me by the matrix o_O)

Chris told me they were in my room, messing around, walking through there, and chris said he stayed up all night, cutting "ungodly ties" and trying to protect his children from them "suffocatting and choking them" Mkay. Last satanic attack we had, he wore armour. Yes, special armour, armour that he say Yahweh instructed him to wear. #TRUTH. What's more, for my supersticious head, is we were there on the 6th of june in 2006. 6/6/06. Whatever Mkay. I won't go into alll the details that happened when I was there because they are still horrific...I fear them, still, not those who ran it and the maze, but the memories and what was behind all that shit that happened.. the energies, the fear, the torture, all of that..

AAAALLL OF THIS HAPPENED APPROX FIFTEEN YEARS AGO... hard to believe my son didn't get involved and that this being that some people says doesn't exist stepped in and said NO to many decisions made! He's amazing and loving!

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sainadazai · 3 years

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Chapter 1

Welcome to U.A highschool!

How you got in, you had no clue, but you were thrilled none-the-less as you approached the large building on the first day of school. See, compared to the others at your entrance exam, you hadn't really stood out.

It was a really tough time considering your whole life was spent getting ready for that moment, but you truly underestimated the people you were up against.

One boy, was flying around on burst of fire, knocking out robot after robot, and you were knelt on the floor still disassembling your first one. Throughout it you couldnt stop comparing your own skills to everyone else's, and everyone else seemed better.

So it came as a huge suprise when a hologram of all-might himself announced that you had been scored second place out of all the applicants. Coming in at 68 points. Maybe the stress kept you from actually counting how many robots you had rendered immobile, or completely turned to mush.

After thinking about it, the test really had been catered to your quirk, you were bound to succeed. Quirk- metal shift vs a ton of robots? Why had you been so worried?

The confidence boost from your score led you to this day, a prideful glint in your eyes as you marched through the halls of U.A. trying to find your class.

Rounding a corner, the sight of a large door with 1A on it met your eyes. Why had the door been so tall? Would there be giants in your class? Is that even a quirk that exists?

So many questions circled your mind, as well as excitement. See, spending your earlier years training all the time had really impacted your social life, or lack-there-of. Being busy means no friends, being a nerd means no friends, being cocky means, you guessed it- no friends.

A hero school had to be different, though. Everyone here would understand the need to focus on work, theyd just be able to work together with you. Opening the door, your face held excitement for the possible friends on the other side. Excitement to have conversations with people, instead of your cat, mochi.

What you didnt account for was how scary it would be for somebody who spent the last 16 years being friends with a cat, to talk to other girls. Or boys. Or anyone.

"Hi, my names mina ashido! I saw you at the exam. Your so cool!"

There she was, a pink skinned girl with beautiful curly hair shaking around in an afro as she spoke. Her black and yellow eyes shiny and focused on you. She had you cornered between her well-toned body and the door, jumping around and advancing.

It must've been years since anyone but your mom had called you 'cool'. Must have been months since another kid innitiated conversation with you. Were you meant to know what to say? Were you supposed to be sorry? That was ussually what you said when people confronted you like this at your old school.

A smile was spread across her round cheeks, so she must not be upset with you. Was it an upset smile? Well, best to just apologize and wait to talk to someone more calm.

You tried to tame your wide eyes and flustered stance before looking the ground and muttering an apology.

Little did you know how her face dropped in confusion at the interaction. She had just wanted to make friends after all. Mina had really not understood the apology either, sure that she had definitely given you a complement.

However a green haired boy entered the room and she was quickly distracted.

A new problem arose now. Where to sit? The plan to be friendly and extroverted had taken a fatal plumet, so in the old y/ns nature, you settled at the seat closest to the back. A boy with dual colored hair sat in the desk next to you, looking fairly unbothered by the other students.

Assuming this wasn't on purpose, you figured you'd try again with the friends thing. So after setting your bag down and sitting quietly in your seat. Allowing the ruffles of your skirt to become even more-so.

"Uhm, hi?" You tilted your head at him, in question with yourself.

His eyes lifted from what he was reading to see if he recognized you, when he didn't they returned to his book. Staring only a side glance.

Well there goes your big ol ego from the exam results. Guess you'll take a jump back into the sea of self doubt.

You slumped sadly in your seat, the boy was quite pretty, hair vibrant red and shining white. Pale skin, all over except for a large scar over his eye. You wondered if it hurt? Or was it old enough to just be a painful memory? Was it even a scar, it could be a birthmark?

Thoughts circled your head like that often, you were just always so curious. How could you not be curious when you knew so little?

Shifting uncomfortable in your seat, and relentlessly shraightening your uniform you caught on to the other conversations in the room.

A mean looking boy sat with his feet on the desk, while another frantically told him to stop. It was quite the funny scene, you even found yourself smiling at it. How can it be so easy for them, you wished you had maybe taken more time to read on social dynamics before applying here.

Maybe you could read more about it when you got home? I'd be nice to interact like that some day.

A green haired boy looked very flustered as he spoke with a female classmate. Everyone seemed to be in the class, you counted 20 people.

"If your just here to make friends then you can pack up your stuff now"

I looked all around me but couldnt tell where that deep voice came from. Must be an authoritive figure, or else why would he threaten our places here?

Still not finding the origin of the voice, it spoke again.

"Welcome to U.A.'s hero course.." The monotone of it was quite jarsh, but the voice was soothing in a way. Deep and rumbley and soothing? Your thoughts were getting ahead of you, really.

Then, over by the entrance, a yellow caterpillar stood up and unzipped itself. Wait, what?

Out stepped a black haired man, dressed in a long sleave shirt.

"It took eight seconds for you to shut up, thats not gonna work. Time is precious."

He completely dropped his shell of yellow to the floor.

"Rational students would understand that."

Four students stood right in front of the man, shock and disbelief on their faces. Why hadnt they realized he is our teacher? Are they dumb? If so, how'd they get into U.A.?

From the way he refered to us and his assertive tone, he must be the teacher. Thats also made obvious by our current lack of teacher, him being the only adult in the room. What was that yellow thing though?

"Hello, Im shota aizawa, your teacher."

Yes, you knew that. However, it seems everyone surrounding you was taken aback by this. All simotaneously gasping at his statement.

"Right, lets get to it, put these on and head outside" he held up a p.e. uniform, clear enough instruction.

So students shuffled around to grab uniforms and head to bathrooms til we all made it outside.

"What!? A quirk assesment test!?" The whole class question, too loudly for your liking.

However you did question on the inside. It would make sense your teacher wanted to scope your abilities now, that way progress could be measurable. It would also help him know what he is working with.

A squeaky voiced girl worried about missing orientation, but you were dreaming that anyway. You wanted to be a hero, and it wasnt allowed to use your quirk elsewhere. So this was possibly the best start to the day.

"You've been taking standardized tests most of your lives, but you never got to use your quirk before."

Bold of him to assume. You hadn't actually learned that cheating was bad until the age of 10 so, until then, you used your quirk for everything. Cheating tests included, but it would be fun to see how this played out.

The faces around you were all focused and stiff, ready for whatever task this would present. The dual haired boy being amongst those stiff faces, but his seemed almost bored. He didn't really act like he wanted to be her at all.

That made you mad, why even come if you don't wanna be here? Its so hard to get in here, and there were other people like you out there, who have wanted this since they were born. He would waste a spot just so he could be bored?

"Bakugou, you managed to get the most points on the entrance exam," Mr.Aizawa adresses that boy you were worried about.

You remembered his face, how he was beating you so fluidly the whole time. However, if he scored highest, your only one rank below him. Hope he is a strong competidor for first, so it'll be all the more glorifying when you take that spot from under him.

"What was your furthest throw with a softball, when you were in junior high?"

"67 meters i think..."

"Right. Try doing it with your quirk. "

"Anything goes, just stay in the circle. Go on, your wasteing our time."

"Alright man, you asked for it.." He stretched his arms, confidence written all over his face.

What a fun rival, if only you could actually speak with him. If this is what all of you will have to do, not sure how succecful you can be. You quirk is awesome for sparring and combat, but throwing a ball? Your gonna have to figure that one out quick, before you start of the year with a bad grade.

The blonde swung his arm back, and around in a baseball pitch motion. Then as he release it, some sort of explosion emmited from his hand. Softball no where to be seen, you glanced around at my fellow students. Shock, especially the green haired boy, they were all shocked.

You wanted to be shocked, but you were aware of his power, he really didn't go all out in the entrance exam at all. This blasting was way stronger than what you saw him using on robots.

Yet, you werent shocked, you were impressed, excited, thrilled to have other strong quirks around.

You had to know everyones quirks as soon as possible, you had to make friends. This is why you came here, to be a hero. So when you glanced to your side, at the scar boy with a stone face, another thing was added to your list.

You were gonna get him to want to talk to you.

#todoroki x reader #todoroki fluff #shoto torodoki #todoroki shoto x reader #mha todoroki #mha bakugou #mha deku #mha fanfiction #mha fluff #momo yaoyozoru #momo x reader

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smireyac · 4 years

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fuck this year man u dont even get cute emojis in the title this time

so lemme just start by saying fuck 2020

now that we’re on the same page, lets get into it

so i dont have to explain all the reasons why this year sucked bc u just need to google 2020 and there will be a million reasons why it was TOTAL FUCKING GARBAGE...... usually when so many people collectively say a year sucked ass, i can be like “oh it wasnt *all* bad for me, personally” haha not this year!!!

its super fucking depressing to look at how hopeful and positive i was about 2020 a year ago..... ofc there was no way for me to have known it would all go to shit but i still really appreciate the tone i had set... reading over the previous reflections and seeing how harsh and negative i was @ myself made the softness of last years post super refreshing....

now i said i dont *have* to explain all the ways 2020 was shitty, but i am gonna explain the biggest reason this year was shitty for me, personally..... it might seem really small in comparison to the ways 2020 was shitty as a whole on like a global scale? but really the biggest reason 2020 sucked ass was i didnt get to really hang out with any of my friends in real life for 9 out of the 12 months of the year.... and really it was like the first week of march that shit hit the fan so like really it was only 2 months that we got to see each other....... if u rmbr p much every previous retrospective post ive made, there was a big emphasis on friends..... ive come to realize that im actually a very *extra*verted person??? despite my overall shyness and homebody attitude, i would always choose to hang out with people over being alone so stay-at-home orders FUCKING SUCKED??? when we all thought it would be over in a couple weeks, maybe a month it was fine?? hey its a good time to draw or catch up on that reading and/or writing i said i was gonna do maybe even start learning to drive?? it’ll be no big deal THEN it wasn’t over in a month and it wasnt gonna BE over anytime soon and no one important was doing anything about it and its an election year and black lives have always mattered and yet everything is so uncertain and

[inhale]

[exhale]

this year was..... a lot...... too much in fact

in 2018, i had said that i watched vox’s video on the year in 5 mins and cried... if i watched this year in five minutes, i dont think i would be able to breathe......

SO instead of making myself CRY..... lets try to think about any GOOD things that happened and think about what we can do to make 2021 good for ourselves:

GOOD THINGS THAT HAPPENED:

-i *didn’t* lose my job!! sad that so many others cannot say the same but im trying to make myself feel *better* not WORSE so i got to keep my job and i actually work more hours than before so!!

-i actually *did* learn to drive this year!!!! and im pretty good at it??? for someone that just started this year anyway?? i probably *would* have my DRIVER’S LICENSE right now if it weren’t for a surge in cases in a certain STATE that i happen to live in......... but w/e its fine i get more time to practice and im ~~**DEFINITELY**~~ going pass my test and get my license ~whenever it is that i can reschedule my dmv appt~

lmfao its so funny that last year, i was absolutely *dreading* learning to drive but i so fucking get why everyone was like ‘you need to learn how to drive’ i legit love it so much???? ive always been a car person but that was like purely for the aesthetic but now that i can drive im just....... WOOOW this really is what freedom feels like.... like ik that public transportation is amazing and i will always champion it but nothing beats being purely in control of your destination.... i also wanted to buy myself a car for my birthday even tho i couldnt really drive yet but then sien had to fix smthg on her car and it was EXPENSIVE AF and my mom was like “u dont need to buy a car yet” so i put the brakes [haha] on that... but soon... once i get my license,,, then i will have u my love................. so with that being “my most serious goal of 2020″ im glad i did it

-i was one of lucky ones and got unemployment when i couldn’t work so i have a lot of money saved in the bank??? pls no one steal my identity i wanna use that money to buy myself a car and/or for when we move out 🤞🤞 we’ll just have to wait and seeeeee....................

-i had mentioned playing dnd last year too and thats been going STRONG as hell thank goodness....... we couldnt keep playing in person but when we moved it to online, not only did we actually get to hang out a lot more, we made more friends??? introduced new people to the group?? its so good and in fact probably the only thing that kept me even a little bit sane this year......

-this is more of an honorable mention than an accomplishment but im this 🤏close to catching up with critical role and thats partially thanks to the pandemic lmao sooooo ???

aaaaaaand thats p much it lol i didnt really accomplish any of my other goals bc reasons................. but!!! as cliche as it sounds, with a light at the end of the tunnel, im confident that i can turn that all around this year.... so if 2016 was the year of change, 2017 was the year of getting used to shit, 2018 was the year of getting *too* used to shit and 2019 ended up being the year of friends, 2020 was the year of absolute shit and it doesn’t fucking count....... i learned a lot this year, biggest lesson of all is that life is short and if i were to have died at any point last year, what the fuck would i have to show for it??? so usually i end up giving a theme or name to a year after its done but this time im determined to make 2021 into what i want it to be SO i am declaring this year, the year of our lord 2021, the year of new experiences!!!! what the fuck does that mean you ask? well ill tell you!!! im gonna try new things this year!! make a very pointed effort to do things outside my comfort zone?? and for my goals this year, im going back to my old way of making a huge list of stuff u wanna do and seeing how much i can actuallly accomplish!! now i said theres a light but we really dont know when all this shit will end and life will go “bAcK tO nOrMaL” so whos to say ill get to accomplish any of it? at the same time, there are plenty of stuff on the list that i can do within the pandemic set parameters so!! lets see this list!!

2021 GOALS:

[check boxes bc there is no plain box emoji lmao]

☑️ read new books!! i’ll keep last years goal bc i didnt meet it and i have good reads now which tells me i just need to read 1.5 books a month to reach that goal!! huzzah!

☑️ watch new shows and new movies b4 u end up watching shit you’ve already seen a million times... i bought an old planner for 2020 instead of 2021 by accident but i hope it will help keep track of the movies/shows along with the books too!

☑️ listen to new music!! this years spotify wrapped was garbo it only had like 3 albums and a bunch of other shit i always listen to so i gotta fix that lmfao

☑️ write new stories!! i am comforted by the shit ive been writing for the past like 7 years but if my screenplay class taught me anything its that there are a lot of stories to tell and i got so many ideas floating around in this noggin!! instead of an arbitrary word count, why dont i say write idk 3 new stories, start to finish, in whatever medium idc screenplay, short story, comic, twine WHATEVER!! do it!

☑️ eat new food!! lmao this one seems the most silly to me but ive never had indian food, ive never had [not really anyway] korean food, i want to find new restaurants and eat new food!!! yum!

☑️ go on a road trip!!

☑️ visit some place ive never been before!!

☑️ go on a hike??

☑️ go to mexico again

☑️ ride a scary rollercoaster you previously wouldnt have

☑️ go to a club

☑️ get silly drunk fr

☑️ FUCK IT go on dates!! self date friend dates sister date cousin dates R- Romantic... dates ??? FUCK IT!!! YEAH!! DATE ALL UP IN THIS BITCH!!

☑️ learn to use blender

☑️ animate something

☑️ make a big painting

☑️ cosplay ???? AHH

☑️ learn to roller skate lmao u bought the skates and were so excited for them!!

☑️ go somewhere SUPER DARK and go see some real stars!!!!

☑️ and to top it all off, throw the airbnb house party that we’ve been talking about for MONTHS lmao

hmmmm,, i think thats a good enough list for now ?? another thing i wanted to accomplish.... that im scared to speak into existence bc then i cant back out of doing it...........and it doesnt align with the whole “new” spirit of 2021 but.......... i want to like start making apartments for rent????? like i want to have something of it to show by, if not the 8th anniversary then by the end of the year HHUFF THERE I SAID IT......... no turning back now..........

alright its almost midnight on.... whats this? its already jan. 1st??? lmao yeah fuck it i didnt keep up with anything i normally did this year who cares i made up the rules i can break them too lol

so yeah

we’ll see what this year brings us,,,,

hoo boy

#omg i talk #happy new year

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missbbjean · 7 years

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Dear You

You said you liked me, you would constantly say it at the most random of times or that you missed me a girl you have never meant before and how could you possible miss me? but then you explained that you missed hearing my voice, it was relaxing to hear and being able to talk to someone tell them about your day and what bothered you and having that someone not reinsure you of anything but just be there to listen with no judgment. I felt so happy like an idiot for being able to hear that and for being that person for you to talk to but you were also that person for me. For 2 years we talked one year over the comment section of each others pictures on IG and here and there over the DMs of IG then in early 2016 we talked almost everyday over the DMs on IG and then in late February you gave me your number we talked from then on texting and calling. Somewhere around March you already said you wanted to meet but i told you how impossible that was giving the distance between us but in December last year you brought up buying my plane ticket i told you how bad id feel about that because i know it wouldnt be cheap, you didnt bring it up again after that till sometime of this year in February and i wanted to meet you so bad that i agreed to it. So we planed for March but as time got closer for me to go to where you are there was still no message about a plane ticket i grew worried and upset and you never answered my calls or texts. It was the day i was supposed to go down there and nothing nothing from you i cried to my mom for hours so upset, 23 day pass its april now and i get a DM from you over IG like you couldnt really text or call you had to DM over IG like wtf but we talked about it and i shouldve brought up my concerns and what bothered me but i didnt because i didn want to fight i didnt want to argue and like you said "its not like we're together so who am i to say whats you can and cant do" you said you liked me and that you wouldnt mind pursuing more but not with out some sort of proof that i was interested in just you and not multiple people, my proof was facing my biggest fear just for you but i guess that wasn’t proof enough and everything before or after wasn’t either. you then said "again were not together but i dont think youre that interested in me if youre openly giving everyone the same attention " but we talked some more and we had things figures out but i shouldve brought up the fact that you were doing the same giving the same open attention to many other girls, i on the other was not giving that attention like you said i was it was just some 19yr old that left comments on my pictures and my only responses back were ever " thank you, lol, okay or hahah" but yours on girls pictures were stupid kissy heart eye emojis and comments like "damn girl look at you, so beautiful, so pretty, hot" and the list goes on but i bit my tongue because like you said we weren't together and i didnt want to seem i dont know possessive, i know now i shouldve spoke up. but you called the next day asking if we could start where we left off of and i asked with us talking or me coming down there and you said with me coming down there and that same night you bought the plane ticket and everything, there really was no going back and i was so excited that i couldnt sleep at all. I thought finally im going to meet this guy whos been nothing but nice and sweet to me, who ive had nothing but great conversations with where i could just be 100% me. but throughout all of april you still continued with commenting things on other girls pictures again i didnt want to start a fight before i came down there and i had planed to say something well i was there but i didnt want to start something because well id have no wheres to go and lord knows i have anger issues. We spend 4 days together i became sure that yeah i really like this person and maybe even love a little. but when i came home everything fell apart. 2 days go bye and i dont hear from you not even a single text but yet you're on social media multiple times throughout the day and commenting dumb shit AGAIN on girls pictures. we talk on saturday and i bring it up finally and you ask why it was an issue with the 19 yr old commenting what he did on my pictures and you said well its obvious and i said no tell me and you asked why and i said tell me why it was an issue and you said well because I LIKE YOU. so i said if you like me so much why are you commenting dumb shit on girls pictures over IG and you asked "who like you really dont know and i dont remember usernames and your excuse was "well the reason i was asking who is because its probably a client"and i asked "really come on now" and you continue with "well its my job their my client its my job to make them feel pretty or beautiful"like yeah thats youre job when their in you chair not for you to do over social media and like really is it normal for you to comment on your clients half naked pictures?? come on now get real. we end the conversation that night with you saying that wed talk about it more but we never did. sunday goes bye and monday comes around i didnt hear from you but sometime during the day you unfollow me and i get confused more than ever. here you are or were telling me you like me and everything fly me down there to meet you spend that time together and for what what reason, what was the point! days go by i dont hear from you Thursday I tell you we need to talk something serious and you tried to make me feel stupid for it but you never called and you ignored my call we dont talk till Friday when i see you liking a whole bunch of these girls pictures on IG and i mean pictures from early 2016 and late 2015 like duuuude really and then i see theres a recent post from her and just so happened that in the video shes spinning around in a chair and i notice the background, its your room and then you walked in. I call you that night pissed off and you start off with a "hey!" like every things fine and dandy and continue to say "yeah sorry i havent talked to you in a while theres been a lot going on with work i ve been really busy and i could even lose my job" and i was like "oh so busy that yet you had time to be home during the day with a girl in your room" and again you go "well who" like as if you dont know just how many girls have you had over in your room since damn man. so i tell you the usuername because well this time i remembered it and you go "well let me look that up right now" like ohhhhhh COME ON! you know exactly who stop playing dumb and then you say "well we have mutual friends in common" i told you ones that havent ment her in person dont count and so you say "well my parents were home nothing happened" i told you i was there and your parents were home and shit happened so dont give me that and then its :well if it bothers you so much ill stop talking to her" i told you im not the kind of person who tells you who you can and can not talk to but it should be common sense of what your doing is going to bother me or piss me off because here you are or were telling me you like me and everything had me come down there and you sleep with me and all that and yet here you are doing this like really?!?! you say we'll talk about it but again we dont and im just left with more questions and im more upset and you clearly knew that you just didnt and dont care. Sunday i call and call and call because we have something to discuss we talk about it as much as we can and theres nothing that can be done about it that was clearly established. So again i bring up the other issues hoping to get those cleared up more and i ask what was the point of all this and where do i stand now but all you have to say is "well i just got home and i need to go inside ill talk to you more about this" an all i can say is "and then this happens, do you really get everything i just said do you understand" you said yes and i asked really because it seems like it just went right over your head and you said it didnt that we would talk about it. but guess what we never did and i never heard from you again. its been 2 months now since you ruined me and turned my world upside down. and im now wondering just how many other girls have you done this to, how sincere were you with all you said tome, did you even really like me or was i nothing more than a 4 day fuck?..you used me. and yet i cant forget any of it, i wish i could be like you and just forget it all and forget a person like they dont exist as if it never happened. but i cant and it hurts so much to know that i cant erase you from me or my memory and i just want to go back and never agree to it to meeting you not if i knew id end up hurt again after so many years of keeping myself shut up from the world of dating or feelings and i thought i could let down my guard and allow myself to fall again and to think that a guy i told all that to that knew of how i was treated before and everything to a guy who treated me like no other who took me on my first date and i know i shouldve listened to my family i shouldve seen the signs but i thought it would all be okay but i didnt just get a life lesson or burned in the "world of love" i got something far worse. and you continue on like every things fine...im upset with me and im most of all upset with how you handled this. you thought by ignoring or avoiding me that it will go away but it wont and youve only made it worse. I just dont understand why you couldnt be the adult that you so claim to be or to be a man and just fucking be vocal about things like i told you from the very start, why couldnt you just say something like "hey you know it was great meeting you but i dont like you like i thought i did" or something, you think by ignoring or avoiding someone and playing victim that people will get the hint or that it will solve everything but it wont and it doesnt it just makes you a coward and childish. and i cant believe that after everything youve done and put me through with how youve treated me that theres a part of me that still likes you when i should hate you with everything i am but unfortunately it takes more effort to hate then it does to like and you cant just go to hating someone with the snap of your finger it unfortunately doesnt work like that...trust me ive tried.

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hwz1bwxf-blog · 5 years

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If you have some one living with you is it a liability on your home owners insurance?

i have someone who is staying with me, and i was just curious if she was a liability on my home owners insurance?

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insuranceforcheap.info

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dwdelaney-blog · 5 years

Text

feb2019!

https://drive.google.com/folderview?id=1mPZV8dfL391iwu-L0qW9VJcPHJ9rPz8I

https://fox2now.com/2019/01/27/pritzker-appoints-new-head-of-illinois-air-national-guard/amp/

Pritzker appoints new head of Illinois Air National Guard

BELLEVILLE, Ill. – A U.S. Air Force colonel based at Scott Air Force Base is being promoted to general and will head the Illinois Air National Guard.

The (Belleville) News-Democrat reports that Illinois Gov. J.B. Pritzker appointed Col. Peter Nezamis to the post. He’s replacing retiring Maj. General Ronald Paul and will serve as the acting adjutant general before being promoted to brigadier general.

Nezamis commanded the Air National Guard’s 126th Air Refueling Wing based at Scott for 12 years before being named as the Illinois National Guard Chief of the Joint Staff in March.

In his new position, Nezamis will oversee about 3,000 people at the refueling wing at Scott, the 182nd Airlift Wing in Peoria and the 183rd Air Wing at Camp Lincoln in Springfield

1/29

Ierc - names

From dwdelaneyierc - see esp

Special projects - mary cowles

Asst secty - jannell courtright

Photos – chuck courtwright, dean Williams

- -

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IERC – 97

Prez – Claudio pecori

Vp – jane van hoos

Admin coord – mark seger

Admin asst – jim boyle

Mbrshp coord – Debbie cimarossa

Asst mbrshp chair – dan bollman

Secty – john riech

Asst secty – jannell courtwright

Trsr – mark bartolozzi

Asst trsr – matt gairani

Sgt at arms – randy Ferreira

Asst sgts at arms: larry Andrews, paul ray, bob claton, roger strothman

Scrp chair – irv smith

County liaison – ruth payson

Board mbrs: Jeanie blackman, dick bond, “doc” bredemeyer,tom Cavanagh, nick ciaccio, pete cimarossa, tony libri, jim lobmaster, carl oblinger, bruce stom

Special projects coord – mary cowles

Special projects assts: paula allmon, bob ankenbrandt, brian brewer, geo christofilakis, bill cowls, Juanita donley, mark Dudley, troy gullo, paul harris, Cynthia hopper, ed Jackson, gary krebs, bob klosky, Charlie palazzolo, joe randall, bob radmacher, terry sanderfield, danny scarlett, dawn seger, bob sellinger, andy shandor, Robbie strayer

Club liaison – ramon menendez

Distribution – don and dewana adamski

Editors – bob shurig, matt penning

Photos – chuck courtwright, dean Williams

83 - 2001

claudio pecori was prez of ierc

2/1

33rd - horse people - roth - recruiters - stl - deps - under the radar - cle - d&d - penny marshall - ing - lol - laffers - carmine ragusa - 404 chem - iaff - 37 burton - klutzo - licensed killer - dead bug dale - jeffe ron - op - cifa - clapper - usss - homicidal threats frame - tx - perry gwb - copeland - vala - see site at valacopeland - lone wolf - curveball - servicemaster - franchise - zito - chem - team nix - servus - bunn - ache brackey - miley - haspel - memo - hillen vendors - h&k - pr - ackerman hires - herschell bc04 - cwlpdir utils plows - maps - tracking - nsa - ovp - dm - blessac clergy ft detrich - beanbag - xa enlow - vann - paprocki - wojcicki is at chiefs - thats why the shg baiseball is - untouchable

Sent from Fast notepad

2/1

Northendkc - 4/2006

2/5

Kingmakers - rauner - facio

Lobsters - baiseball - mel sembler -

In media - the people behind the lens - in production - call the people in front of the lens the - talent - its not a compliment - theres an ex - tape on the floor - stand here -

Kurtz - doesnt exist

Suggested that hs classmate involved in chem - war college thesis links to chem - deployment of mechanized infantry in ww2 - I guess some russian genl - xa lincoln cab - scso squads - op upwind - ind cars - etc - clown cars - trucks - amb kurtz - possible reference to stalingrad - stall - delay - stall1 - ildeptag - horse barns - stalls - horse people - it seems like I was intentionally misled about about an important part of my case - disinfo - to make me appear less credible - russian disinfo - im not into ww2 hist or war college theses - how would I know - wanted to use the link to usccb - and kurtz doesnt make sense - maybe it does - I didnt search very long - seems like nonsense - ive got a lot of people telling me a lot of different things - how would I know whether a lot of this stuff is right

2/14

Who is jacob wife - is it rachel - xa chad jacobs - winston - strawberries - ftl fishing - brooks bros - mitch mcconnell - jacob & gal - fu - engel marx - engels - wolfman - criminal record - alpharetta - bullhorn -

New site at flo

2/18

Selective enforcement - increased discretion at local level - the push behind sanctuaries and law enf - is a wider natl effort to decent auth down to local po - just the opposite of what it appears - usgop wants to ignore legal judgement and keep any cities from protecting me from defs - the stated topic - immigrants and incarceration are used to push a more expansive agenda - very sophisticated legal theory involved here - but ive understood the talk show hosts decrying the evil of sanctuaries as a reference to me for years - could be wrong but when I hear them say - this thing could tommorrow if we got rid of the sanctuaries - I hear what they are saying

feb 20

INA - is an end run - around my case - they used immigration language to sell it politically - intentionally drafted to allow application to me - when they say sanctuary cities - they mean places that abide by the court order allowing me to get sleep - thats why ive been able to sleep for several years now - cant remember when I started getting sleep - I remember hearing someone on a radio saying this thing would end real fast if we could just get rid of sanctuary cities - it didnt seem uncertain - maybe a local radio guy - not sure of the town - but I remember thinking this guy is talking about me - hes wanting to have people keep me from sleeping until - until I just say whatever it is they want me to say - 953.

2/21

Ive never been sexually abused - im not comparing my situation to that

I believe the catholic church has been and is - involved in keeping me living like this - through its fraternal org - kcs - nationwide - it has knowingly and intentionally undertaken a coordinated - systematic effort to marginalize me - and conceal evidence of such - using materials and methods taken from chemical warfare and/or pest control - this series of aggravated battery has not escaped prosecution - they were accused by me and charged - they used their political power to evade judgement - found liable - they have continued with the exact course of conduct which formed the basis of the original claim - I believe that those that might want to speak out against this nationwide campaign - extending for a period of time longer than twenty years - have been told that speaking truthfully about my situation risks their relationship w/ the church - im not catholic - my family is catholic - those people should be able to say what they think is true w/ out the church telling them that doing so means they will go to hell

Gidwitz - rauner - myelin repair - rg - jeffe ron - baise - silly - idea - itel -

2/25

site addrs - google - wordpress - flickr - medium https://sites.google.com/site/dwdelaneyfeb2019/ https://www.dwdelaney.wordpress.com - flickr - https://www.flickr.com/photos/151524170@N03/ “2/22” https://medium.com/@dwdelaney/2-22-17ba9a027575

https://youtu.be/X2EU1lCVlrE

2/26

Gardner peckham - atl - bksh - units of force - spfld - reticle - cross herrs - swimmers - gable cravens - gonzaga - resurgens - ailes - mews - hic - sjh - roadrunners - medium page - belleville gregory - alton - spitzer - callis - slu -

I dont think peckham is in this thing - his name just matches the others - hard to say one way or the other - I can only be certain of the things that happen to me - thats why I post things that arent in question - things that most people can agree upon

2/27

List of all sites w/ audio - video - text Google sites Google photo Google drive Flickr Pcloud Mega Mediafire Medium Youtube Wordpress site addrs - google - wordpress - flickr - medium Google site for feb 2019 - text https://sites.google.com/site/dwdelaneyfeb2019/ Folder for

feb2019 docs etc. https://drive.google.com/folderview?id=1mPZV8dfL391iwu-L0qW9VJcPHJ9rPz8I Wordpress site at - https://www.dwdelaney.wordpress.com

flickr site - flickr - https://www.flickr.com/photos/151524170@N03/ Medium site is at - this is the initial post - “2/22” https://medium.com/@dwdelaney/2-22-17ba9a027575 Mediafire - havent had to use this yet - folders are empty Mediafire - link to audio - voice recorder https://www.mediafire.com/folder/p2ckxcctksa4v/Music Mediafire - link to video - https://www.mediafire.com/folder/2u9704u2chhc9/Videos Youtube site has videos of voice recorder

https://youtu.be/X2EU1lCVlrE

https://m.youtube.com/user/dwdelaney The pcloud and mega should be copies of things that have been synced to google - google didnt work for several months and original audio is on pcloud - nothing new at mega - should be just an extra copy - when sites dont work - I get worried Google photo is the same images from google drive and flickr - handwritten notes - from 2004 and until I started using digital voice recorders and posting messages as recordings

Links to pcloud and mega stuff is at google site pages at page for specific month or other name. Pcloud has link to page. Mega is just a copy. Wordpress page also links to pcloud - google - flickr

2/28

Sea wall - galveston - 2004

Xa ftl2001 - spk 2002/3

notes - deps - ports - hanson - longies o rorke - cleat - hou civaff - hpd complaint - referral to homicide & epa - legal complaint - wal - kappa - seeing things in black culture - hip hop and rap music - up all night to get lucky - cannot understand where this stuff comes from - links from spfld to tx - liuna ed smith had tx in his region - worked day labor jobs for years - pain on jobs and when not on jobs - ushse - spkr - hanson ports - comcast capranica - kc - hou baseball - fl ric scott - bunn busch - homicidal threats frame - gov perry - gwb - usss copeland - vala - gray & vala - generate ac - robert urich - kurt spencer - gag gifts - laffers - thats the kurtz - amb - deployment - emts are ibt - 916 - clatfelter - cogfa - wife at ioicc - sherman - sherman pd - TRU - pages - texas - galveston - donna - tx22

Kurtz - rodavis - psyops - operant cond - ecole - sylvanus - carlyle - skinner - erbacci cerone - aaron schock - mu - cl&e - res - henkle kindred - sleep deprivation and fibro - king of the hill - dales dead bug - h/k - dennispmoore - ftl urinary tract infection - principles - see cite carlyleinspi - bunn - airport site - landmark - frito lay trucks - hillen tracking maps - terr frame - pow - enemy combatant - urine vited - I hear dustin dimond is doing porn now

https://sites.google.com/site/dwdelaneytexas/

Ft worth is vann - xa usccb - dfw - fudd - the seidl stuff from tx22 is gold - zito cellnet - spfld - spfldconsulting - kaiser spk - spkattys - carlson link from spk to tx - and note preston gates - boeing - aluminum - deripaska - hecla - nethercutt - cletus - mark few - the house on boone was where the video was - haspell - guy breaks my nose to create the fibro link to coinfection at nasal turbinates - aggravated by sleep deprivation - dod in spk ran out of ovp - xa link from zito cellnet to ovp - halliburton tx - wolfman - key chainey - lon monk - slave & master - team nix - op - jeffe ron - chem lon - franchises - egyptologists - note esp influence w/ doj - see site inginspk for dod in strange places - xa generally sangamo meters - bunn - natsec personell - most important man nobody has ever heard of - ima - cofer black - geo w bunn - oc - cellnet smart meters - collect data - wattage is usage signature - its invasion of privacy - see generally dutton bonilla - kid rock - duane gibson - a celebrity we can get behind - ache - fu - 2 - zito - cwlp - cwlpdir - hist - icc - frasco - gaming the system - oclincs bunn - chris cox - dan tanna - gettum dan tanna - vegas - bilbray lahood - ubc - calneva - ima baise mark denzler - ideas silly - gidwitz - execs for natsec - chi chamber -

https://sites.google.com/site/dwdelaneydonna

https://sites.google.com/site/dwdelaneytx22

https://sites.google.com/site/dwdelaneygalveston

Note esp - carlson site - links spk to tx - kaiser - usattys - mcdevitt

Dont piss on my head and tell me its rainin Yellow rain - poison - disinfo - Addiction frame bogus

The 'Bee Feces' Theory Undone

By William Kucewicz. Wall Street Journal, Eastern edition; New York, N.Y. [New York, N.Y]06 Sep 1985: 1. Publisher logo. Links to publisher website, opened in a new window.

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Harvard biochemist Matthew Meselson now admits that his original "bee feces" theory of Southeast Asian yellow-rain deaths -- that deadly toxins were not biochemical weapons but natural contaminants of feces -- "is not very attractive anymore." But you wouldn't know it from an article he and four colleagues have published in Scientific American this month.

In that piece, Meselson & Co. repeat at length their view that yellow rain is "a phenomenon of nature, not of man." They do not, however, report what Prof. Meselson acknowledged in a telephone interview last week: that samples of bee feces he and a colleague brought back from a celebrated expedition to a Thailand jungle last year show no traces of the mycotoxins that are widely believed to have killed thousands of people in war-torn areas on the frontier of the Soviet empire.

Profs. Meselson and Thomas Seeley of Yale got to test their hypothesis in Thailand with the help of a $256,000 "genius" award to Mr. Meselson from the MacArthur Foundation (though the areas they visited were not ones ever associated with a chemical attack). The two academics returned in March 1984 to say they had been "crapped on" by Asian honeybees. "We were caught in one of these yellow rain showers," they said. "It lasted about five minutes and deposited approximately 200 spots per square meter." The scientists collected samples of the bee droppings, along with foodstuffs from Thailand, "for chemical analysis to test the possibility that mycotoxins reported in environmental samples and the blood of refugees occur naturally in Southeast Asia." They concluded their joint statement, saying: "A detailed scientific report of our findings will be published."

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It had been Mr. Meselson's hypothesis, first laid out at a meeting of scientists in Detroit in 1983, that the deadly tricothecene mycotoxins discovered by other scientists in the bodies of Southeast Asians were a naturally occurring phemonenon of the region. Bee excrement and foodstuffs, this theory held, hosted the growth of the organisms. The U.S. government has maintained, on the other hand, that yellow rain is a Soviet-supplied toxin used in Laos, Cambodia and Afghanistan in violation of the 1972 Biological Weapons Convention.

Their article in Scientific American, however, includes no mention of the results of those chemical tests.

"They were all negative," Mr. Meselson responded in the interview. He said that he had sent 13 twin samples of food and feces from Thailand to two laboratories in Canada and Britain. (Mr. Meselson is not expert at conducting such tests himself.) The chemists didn't find any of the trichothecene mycotoxins previously identified in yellow rain.

There wasn't room to include these negative results in the article, Mr. Meselson explained. He said that the editors at Scientific American had set strict length limitations and "lots" of data had to be left out.

Mr. Meselson said that he now generally accepts the work of Canadian toxicologist Bruno Schiefer showing that trichothecene mycotoxins don't occur naturally in Southeast Asia -- at least not to any significant extent that might cause a health problem. That means the Harvard scientist, whose theories have become the watchword of Western doubters and Soviet propagandists who challenge the U.S. government's position, must now square his own stance. If yellow rain poisons aren't springing up on their own, and if refugees indeed are suffering and dying from them, who's the perpetrator? For scientists who've cautioned against accusing the Soviets over the matter, it's a dilemma -- and one that the critical omission in Scientific American would allow them to skirt.

Mr. Meselson's out, in the interview, was to suggest that perhaps there were no toxins to begin with. This takes the whole debate back two years, reopening issues that were seen as settled at the time Mr. Meselson first suggested that the toxins were natural products. A 1983 essay by Lewis Thomas in Discover magazine, for example, calls for more exploration of the natural-occurrence thesis in the following words:

"There is no question in anyone's mind about the existence of mycotoxins produced by the Fusarium fungus in the samples taken from the leaves and rocks in places where yellow rain attacks are said to have occurred. Nor is there any doubt about the reports by Chester Mirocha, an acknowledged specialist in mycotoxins at the University of Minnesota, that high levels of trichothecene toxins (and their metabolic derivatives) were present in the blood and tissues of patients from the same areas. What remains in question is whether this fungus species has always existed in nature in Southeast Asia, and whether its toxin might be present in the kinds of plant foods consumed by people during seasons of near starvation."

The only thing left to dispute, in short, was the hypothesis Mr. Meselson has now abandoned after negative results with his own samples, and in the face of the work by Mr. Schiefer. The Canadian's latest findings show that the unnatural combination of three different mycotoxins found in the yellow rain samples collected by the U.S. government and ABC News is a "superb" killer -- much more potent than the toxins individually or in other combinations, a cocktail put together by someone who knew what he was doing.

Mr. Meselson, it would seem, can support reopening the old inquiry only by directly challenging the findings of Minnesota's Prof. Mirocha and Joseph Rosen of Rutgers. Does he think their laboratory work in error? "I'm not saying that," he replied.

Prof. Meselson did find it telling that a U.S. Army laboratory at Aberdeen, Md., failed to find the toxins in yellow rain samples that previously tested positive by Mr. Mirocha. While Mr. Meselson uses the Aberdeen negative test results as a foil, he fails to mention that that same Army laboratory did find the toxins on two Soviet gas masks retrieved from Afghanistan in 1982.

Profs. Mirocha and Rosen, meanwhile, stand by their work. In subsequent tests on toxin-infected corn, for instance, they have never turned up any "false positives," which would have indicated that their techniques were faulty. Besides, they both noted, the U.S. Army's laboratory had great difficulty setting up its own testing procedure and delayed a year and more the analyses of many yellow rain samples; during that time, the toxins could have been consumed by bacteria in the samples or otherwise deteriorated. Even Mr. Meselson admitted that that's possible.

So what are we left with? Mr. Meselson has found bee feces, and the U.S. government has found dead bodies. Indeed, detailed medical data about a yellow rain casualty appeared in the April 1985 issue of the peer-review Journal of Forensic Science. The authors are Charles J. Stahl, the former chief pathologist for the U.S. military and now a professor at East Tennessee State University; James B. Farnum, another East Tennessee pathologist; and Christopher C. Green, formerly the Central Intelligence Agency's yellow rain expert, who holds an M.D. degree. These medical experts concluded that the yellow rain victim died from a chemical warfare agent and not from any natural infection.

As they explain for the first time, an encampment of Khmer Rouge guerrillas at Tuol Chrey in Cambodia, near the Thai border, was hit by an artillery bombardment from Vietnamese forces on Feb. 13, 1982. Three shells exploded upwind of the camp, and the soldiers smelled a sweet, perfumelike odor and experienced the rapid onset of incapacitation. There were at least 100 casualties. They suffered from tearing of the eyes, blurred vision, bitter taste, nasal obstruction, vomiting, rapid heartbeat, muscle tremors, and, in some cases, collapse or paralysis.

One of the victims, taken to a hospital, soon showed signs of recovery and was released. It was known that he had been a victim of an earlier yellow rain attack the previous September. On March 11, 1982, he was again admitted to a field hospital after his condition worsened. Five days later, he died after vomiting and urinating blood -- typical signs of trichothecene poisoning. An autopsy was performed, and tissue samples were sent to the U.S.

Both Profs. Mirocha and Rosen found traces of the mycotoxins in the samples. Pathologic examinations of the tissues showed severe damage to the heart, lungs, kidneys, stomach and liver. The victim died from "acute pulmonary edema." All of these symptoms are associated with trichothecene poisoning. The "pattern of injury," said the pathologists, "suggests the direct effects of toxic agents, as well as the possibility of hypersensitivity reaction related to the previous chemical exposure on 19 Sept. 1981."

Meanwhile, the Soviet Union has had a field day with the bee-feces conjecture. The Russians have used this theory in their disinformation campaign to cover up their chemical-warfare crimes in Southeast Asia and Afghanistan. Most recently, Joseph Adamov, a Radio Moscow "commentator" who speaks English with a Brooklyn-like accent, told an American television audience on CBS's "Face the Nation": "There is a fantastic anti-Soviet campaign on in the United States today, including the socalled spy dust, which is completely absurd, just like that yellow rain was, that turned out to be the excrement of bees."

Nicholas Wade of the New York Times shares the same sentiments. In a recent editorial-page article, he wrote: "Yellow rain is bee excrement, a fact so preposterous and so embarrassing that even now the Administration cannot bring itself to accept it." He called the U.S. government's evidence "a speck of dubious data."

What remain, of course, are the corpses and refugee reports.

Rep. Jim Leach (R., Iowa) was at the scientific meeting in 1983 when Messrs. Meselson and Seeley first announced their bee-feces hypothesis. Mr. Leach's response was direct: "We have the bodies, we have the witnesses. When you listen to a father describing his son dying in his arms from a yellow and white rain falling from the skies, you are not one to disbelieve."

---

Mr. Kucewicz is a member of the Journal's editorial board.

Word count: 1652

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Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists; Chicago Vol. 57, Iss. 5, (Sep/Oct 2001): 57-63.

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By William Kucewicz.

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California Energy sweetens its offer for Magma by 10% to $924 million

Quintanilla, Carl.

Wall Street Journal, Eastern edition; New York, N.Y. [New York, N.Y]24 Oct 1994: A5.

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guidetoenjoy-blog · 5 years

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Brock Lesnar v Daniel Cormier: a depressing product of UFC's entertainment era

New Post has been published on https://entertainmentguideto.com/must-see/brock-lesnar-v-daniel-cormier-a-depressing-product-of-ufcs-entertainment-era/

Brock Lesnar v Daniel Cormier: a depressing product of UFC's entertainment era

It looks like a 39-year-old may soon fight a 40-year-old for the heavyweight title. Its hardly a resounding endorsement of the future

Curtis Razor Blaydes cut loose after UFC 226s main event on Saturday night. He had just watched WWE star Brock Lesnar strut into the octagon for the first time in two years, and engage in a shoving match with UFC heavyweight champion Daniel Cormier.

Tired of all the politics, Blaydes tweeted. Like is it even still about fighting? First CM Punk now Brock Lesnar. Ill just continue to grow as a martial artist and become more dangerous and I refuse to resort to that WWE bs fake arguing just to draw in lame ass casual fans.

Lesnars intervention suggested to many observers that marketability is now as important as fighting ability in UFC. Responding to Blaydes and other mixed martial artists who dont appreciate melding real fighting with pro-wrestling antics, Cormier offered a simple and telling retort: Stay broke.

Fully embracing UFCs entertainment era has meant choosing between manufacturing drama, the seemingly easier option, or playing up the real thing, which may not always exist. Indeed, Lesnars introduction on Saturday quickly eroded UFC 226 from a sporting triumph to a debased spectacle. Miocic didnt have a chance to exit the cage before Lesnar grabbed a microphone and called him a piece of shit.

That said, you cant argue with Lesnars ability to generate interest. He has long been in the business of luring in audiences with caustic language, and his ability to engage folks outside the mixed martial arts world is the reason he headlined three UFC pay-per-views, each of which attracted more than one million buys.

Over the last decade the UFC created fights that fans didnt know they wanted until they were told otherwise. And by leaning on compelling personalities like Lesnar, Conor McGregor, Ronda Rousey and Georges St-Pierre the promotion generated significant pay-per-view revenue.

Times change, of course. Rousey is gone to the WWE. St-Pierre is all but retired. McGregor is expected to fight again this year, though its hard to say how often he will appear in the octagon.

This core group largely built themselves and were aided by the UFC media machine. Its never easy to cultivate and sell big-time fighters to the public. The biggest challenge facing the UFC in recent years has revolved around finding new stars.

Less than a year ago, for example, UFC president Dana White touted Cameroonian heavyweight Francis Ngannou as the future, a potential global star, the heaviest hitter in a constellation of heavy hitters. On Saturday night, less than a year removed from a title challenge defeat to Miocic, White berated Ngannou and his apparently giant ego following a terrible three-round staring contest with another listing heavyweight contender, Derek Lewis.

Thats why it means nothing that Lesnar is 40-year-old and has not officially won a UFC fight since 2010, which is when he relinquished the promotions heavyweight title to Cain Velasquez. Or that he is caught up in an ongoing doping controversy following a failure in his last bout two years ago at UFC 200 (which also sold more than a million pay-per-views).

Blaydes (10-1, 1 no contest) is currently taking the less rewarding workmanlike trek to fame and fortune. He plastered veteran Alistair Overeem with a volley of elbows last month, placing him atop a very short list of the heavyweight divisions chief contenders.

Thats why Blaydes, a 27-year-old former junior college champion wrestler, reacted so strongly when Cormier used UFC 226 to call out Lesnar, who was noticeably seated cage-side. In Blaydess mind it should have been him, but few know the man and the 39-year-old Cormier appears uninterested in giving some dangerous kid a shot. Im at a point now where its very difficult to fight a Curtis Blaydes, said Cormier, who claims he will retire from MMA by the time he turns 40 in March.

By any sporting measure Lesnar should not have been granted a title opportunity. Yet in Whites estimation a contest between Lesnar and Cormier is a fight people want to see, which is the most basic and yet the most meaningful measuring stick inside the company. At this stage, UFC fans are conditioned to root for any fight that makes the most money for the company.

Im fighting Brock Lesnar, Cormier said on Saturday. Im getting paid. I want to fight fights that make sense. For a select group of UFC fighters big-money bouts can be a reality. The rest of them are made to wait and tweet.

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

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lodelss · 5 years

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The Supreme Court Didn’t Put the Nail in Civil Asset Forfeiture’s Coffin News of the death of the unjust law enforcement tactic has been greatly exaggerated.

The 84 percent of Americans who oppose civil asset forfeiture can be forgiven for having the impression that the U.S. Supreme Court ended abusive use of this practice last month in Timbs v. Indiana when it ruled that the Excessive Fines Clause of the Eighth Amendment applies to the states. Some media hailed it as a huge victory. But the celebration is premature.

So what really happened?

The Timbs opinion recognizes that the Constitution guarantees freedom from excessive monetary sanctions as a fundamental right. But crucial questions remain about what practical difference the Supreme Court’s decision will make in ordinary people’s lives, particularly in the context of civil asset forfeiture.

The question of whether the Excessive Fines Clause should apply to the states wasn’t a difficult one to answer. Indeed, at the oral argument, Justice Gorsuch made fun of Indiana’s Solicitor General, saying: “I mean, most … of the incorporation cases took place in like the 1940s.” Yet, he noted, that we're “still litigating incorporation of the Bill of Rights. Really?"

The oft-divided court was able to rule unanimously in favor of the plaintiff, Tyson Timbs, partly because the narrow issue of whether the clause is “incorporated” and therefore binding on the states was the only question before it. So while the court said that the Excessive Fines Clause applies to Timbs’ civil asset forfeiture case, it didn’t say that Timbs’ forfeiture case violates the Excessive Fines Clause.

That means the case isn’t over. Instead, it will return to the Indiana Supreme Court. That court will decide whether the forfeiture of Timbs’ car violates the Eighth Amendment. And how will the Indiana court decide, and how will the rest of us know, if a forfeiture case violates the Eighth Amendment?

As we noted in our amicus brief, the historical roots of the Excessive Fines Clause indicate that courts need to consider an individual’s financial circumstances in order to evaluate whether a fine or forfeiture is excessive. But the Supreme Court has never squarely answered this crucial question, and it didn’t reach it in Timbs. So far, the court has only held that a criminal asset forfeiture violates the Excessive Fines Clause when it is “grossly disproportional to the gravity of the defendant’s offense.”

This “grossly disproportional” standard is a start. But, as the almost entirely unchecked growth of civil asset forfeiture has shown over the last 30 years, it is too vague, too general, and too varied in application to provide a meaningful limit on asset forfeitures. The court has similarly referenced a “grossly disproportionate” standard when evaluating whether a criminal sentence violates the Eighth Amendment’s prohibition against cruel and unusual punishments.

Protections under the Cruel and Unusual Punishment Clause have been minimal in practice. Punishments struck down as grossly disproportionate are basically the equivalent of legal unicorns. Indeed, the Supreme Court has affirmed life sentences for shoplifting.

During the oral argument in Timbs, Justice Kagan addressed this concern directly, noting, “we’ve made it awfully, awfully hard to assert a disproportionality claim with respect even to imprisonment” and if the same standard applies under the Excessive Fines Clause, “we could incorporate this tomorrow and it would have no effect on anybody.”

The Timbs opinion hints that its immediate, practical impact may be limited. The Supreme Court explains that, “all 50 States have a constitutional provision prohibiting the imposition of excessive fines either directly or by requiring proportionality.” That means even before Timbs it was clear that property owners could argue that a civil forfeiture violated their state constitutional right against excessive fines.

But these state constitutional provisions have not historically served as a bulwark against the proliferation of civil asset forfeiture. One reason is that state supreme courts often follow the lead of the U.S. Supreme Court and interpret their state constitutions as providing the same level of protection that the U.S. Constitution provides.

When it comes to current U.S. Supreme Court case law interpreting the Eighth Amendment, that protection isn’t much.

Notwithstanding this cause for skepticism, Timbs is a 9-0 decision in favor of someone convicted of a drug crime and whose car was seized and forfeited as a result. Victories like this at the Supreme Court are rare and worthy of attention, even where their legal holding is relatively limited. Timbs can be a starting point for the work needed to establish a meaningful right to be free from excessive monetary penalties. We should treat the decision as an invitation to litigate these claims more often and push courts to make the Excessive Fines Clause a more robust protection against government overreach.

But even if we succeed at that, significant structural barriers would still stand in the way of a strong Eighth Amendment restraining civil asset forfeiture.

The biggest barrier to the Excessive Fines Clause restraining civil asset forfeiture is that owners who want their property back are not entitled to a court-appointed lawyer because the proceedings are deemed civil, not criminal. This means most people go unrepresented because it is economically irrational to hire a lawyer in cases when the value of the property taken is less than the cost of hiring a lawyer. And, as we showed in our complaint in Cox v. Voyles, when people try to represent themselves, they’re fighting against government lawyers who are expert in these systems, expert in dirty tricks, and therefore expert in defeating even meritorious claims on procedural grounds.

More insidiously, as Cox also demonstrated, some people are justifiably afraid to fight their cases with or without a lawyer. For example, though the state law at issue in Cox has now changed as a result of our litigation, the law at the time allowed the government to recover its own attorneys’ fees from people who fought to regain their seized property and lost. But if they won, the state didn’t have to pay for the property owners’ attorneys’ fees. This meant that whatever the outcome of the case, many property owners would lose money if they dared to fight for their rights in court.

Or consider that police in Tenaha, Texas, spent years seizing property from Black and Latinx people traveling through town, threatening the travelers that if they did not turn over their cash and disclaim their rights to it, they would be arrested on money laundering charges and, in some instances, have their children taken by child protective services.

All of this means that Timbs — bolstered by a robust Excessive Fines Clause we have yet to establish — could only restrain civil asset forfeiture, case by case, if property owners fight back in court. So long as these barriers to fighting civil forfeiture cases exist, a back-end solution is simply not enough.

There is potential, though, for a solution before the asset seizure takes place.

One of the most pernicious parts of many civil asset forfeiture laws is the profit motive baked into them. In too many states, police and prosecutors get to keep a lot of the money that they bring in through forfeiture. This creates a perverse incentive for law enforcement to make decisions that maximize their profits instead of maximizing public safety. In other words, policing for profit. This self-interest, in our view, violates the Due Process Clause of the 14th Amendment and therefore renders such arrangements susceptible to wholesale invalidation.

Getting civil forfeiture laws struck down on this basis and preventing people from unjustly losing their property in the first place would be a major step towards eliminating or seriously curtailing the abusive use of civil asset forfeiture. In Marshall v. Jerrico, the U.S. Supreme Court recognized that procedural due process imposes a limit on “scheme[s] injecting a personal interest, financial or otherwise, into the [law] enforcement process.”

The court stated that such schemes in some contexts “raise serious constitutional questions.” The court identified three factors to consider when someone alleges that a law enforcement official’s financial interest in enforcement violates the Constitution. First, whether the official stands to profit economically from vigorous enforcement. Second, whether the enforcing agent is financially dependent on the maintenance of a high level of penalties. And third, whether the law enforcement agency's budget is so dependent upon this source of income that officials have a direct financial incentive to increase enforcement efforts. Many civil asset forfeiture laws suffer from all three defects and are therefore constitutionally suspect, as we successfully argued in Cox.

So, while Timbs is far from a fatal blow to this outrageous practice, it can serve as a jumping off point for our much broader efforts to eliminate civil asset forfeiture.

Published March 16, 2019 at 02:15AM via ACLU https://ift.tt/2HxqZQO

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lazytacomoon-blog · 6 years

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