#“i just cant imagine my life without you and i-” | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

reallychaoticwoo · 2 days

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⛓️ Aahh, I really hope this lives up to your expectations! I really worked hard on it! Please keep in mind that im still working on my smut writing skills, but we will get there, lol. Also, im sorry this took so long. Life has been hectic. This is not proofread, so i apologize for that, but hopefully, you can enjoy it anyway (:⛓️

✨️Mistakes Were Made✨️

❤️Pairing: Changbin x f reader

⚠️Warnings: MDNI 18+ ONLY! Very little plot, smut, unintentionally rough Changbin, body injury during sex (hip gets dislocated), crying, screaming, hip relocation (not in major detail but still), please lmk if I missed anything

‼️This is purely for entertainment purposes and does not represent Changbin in any way‼️

🖤Little reminder that although requests are on pause im still accepting short drabbles, imagines, reactions, smau, and text requests🖤

It wasn't unlike the two of you to start getting hot and heavy when his dorm mates were home. There was rarely a time when all of them were out at once. So once again, you two were going at it in his room, trying to remain somewhat quiet. Although Changbin was generally a soft and doting boyfriend, he was an absolute beast in the bedroom. His strong arms manhandling you to his hearts content. He always knew it was a possibility that his friends could walk in on the two of you at any given time, but when he was in the moment, it never seemed to matter to him.

Your breasts against the bed, back arched to perfection and his hands on your hips, was the only thing on his mind right now. He was lost in the way your body reacted to him relentlessly pounding into your sopping cunt with sharp deep thrusts. You were a moaning, whining, grunting, feral mess that he could get enough of. Leaning forward to kiss in between your shoulder blades as a silent praise for how well you were taking him tonight. "F-fuck binnie - fuck harder please" your voice muffled into the sheets but he heard you loud an clear. His large hands gripping your hips tightly, pulling you back into him harshly with each one of his thrusts. You were screaming into the mattress at the feeling of his tip repeatedly hitting your cervix. Just as your high started to coil inside of you, your release becoming emanate, something popped. Your body collapsed into the sheets, tears streaming down your face in agony. Changbin who was still relentlessly thrusting into your almost paralyzed body, had no idea how hurt you really were in this moment. Turning your head to the side to try and catch your breathe you screamed for him to stop. He stopped immediately and without hesitation, pulling out of you with wide eyes and horror written all over his face.

"Baby.. what's wrong..? Oh my god, did i- did I hurt you??" He was on the verge of tears his heart collapsing inside of him.

"I.. fuck.. I cant..." You couldn't even finished your sentence. Your sobs too uncontrollable from the mortifying pain that had you on the brink of consciousness. "My.. m..my hip.."

That's when it registered. He'd felt a pop when you collapsed. He just assumed it was a normal pop. Your hips did that sometimes when the two of you were getting intimate. But now that he's thinking about it, it really only even happens if you're on top. Oh god.. Your hip. It looked as it it was pushed forward, no longer level with your spine like your other hip. Your back dimples weren't as prominent as they had been just a couple of minutes ago. What did he do??

"Shit, fuck, baby I'm so sorry!! What do I do?? How? fuck!" He was panicking, tears rolling down his face. How could he have hurt the love of his life, the very woman he'd been planning to propose to soon, the woman he was going to marry. How could he have hurt her like this? He did the only thing he could think of in that moment. He called for his Hyungs.

Running out of the room, pulling up his boxers as he ran into the living room, he scanned the room so glad to see both Chan and Lee Know home and sitting on the couch. They both turned to look at Changbin with puzzled faces that instantly turned to worry once they noticed his tears.

"Bin, what's wrong?? What happened are you okay?" Chan asked as he walked over to the man scanning his face for any type of clue as to what the hell happened.

"I hurt y/n..." Binnie replied with sorrow filled eyes and slack shoulders.

"What the fuck do you mean you hurt y/n Changbin?" Lee Know was walking to the younger man now. His face filled with disappointment and a tinge of anger.

"I- i... I didn't mean to just please help me!" He begged already turning to run back to you.

You were in the same position he left you in.

Unable to move your legs to lay flat, your backside still on full display, you sobbed and screamed into the bed praying for Changbin to hurry back so you could tell him how to fix this. Your prayers were answered as soon as he came back into the room. Although, you weren't praying for his two older members to follow him into the room and see your naked body fully presented to them.

"I'm sorry babygirl I didn't know what else to do.. can you.. can you please tell us what happened??" Changbin asked, tears still streaming down his flushed cheeks, his heart racing and his chest tightening.

"My hip.. you.. my hip is dislocated..I can't move.." Your voice was broken and raspy. Trying not to panic him worse, you tried to sound as normal as possible but the pain you were in was unbearable.

"Shit Bin, how the fuck did you manage that? Okay, y/n, I'm gonna have to pop it back into place.. I know this isn't ideal, and you are probably wishing we weren't in here right now, but I promise you I can have you mobile again soon if you can let me. Is that okay?" Chan was more than capable and you knew that. His reassuring tone helping ease your utter embarrassment at the situation.

Closing your eyes tightly, trying to hold back tears, you nodded. "O.. okay"

"Okay. Bin, I'm going to need you to keep her hips as still as possible okay? We don't want her worsening it or popping it out the other way when I go to push it into place. Think you can handle that?" Chan asked. His voice was stern and comforting all at once.

Lee Know who was still somewhat in the doorway was glaring daggers at Chabgbin. How could he be so careless as to dislocate your hip without noticing in the moment. Who even does that?

"Lee Know, you judging Bin isn't going to help anything. Go back out to the kitchen and get y/n some water and throw a blanket in the dryer so she can have something warm after this. Bin, go ahead and start holding her in place. " Chan was the leader for a reason. He knew exactly what he was doing. Leaning down to look at you in the eyes, he started, "I need you to control your breathing, okay? I'm not going to lie to you. This is going to hurt.. but I'm gonna fix it, okay? Just keep breathing." Moving back to your hip, he felt around the area to find where he needed to place his hands to relocate it correctly. With firm pressure on both the front and back of your hip, he counted to three and quickly popped it back into place. You let out a gutteral wail, your vision darkening at the intense and sudden pain followed by aching relief. You collapsed onto the bed, no longer conscious.

Chan looked at Changbin with concern, "She will be okay, but you need to be okay enough to take care of her when she wakes up. Go grab a drink and whatever else you think she will need or want for when she comes back to."

The younger of the two nodded before dressing himself fully as the older man left the room. He covered you up with his comforter and left in a hurry to gather everything he could possibly think of that brings you comfort and joy. Even going so far as to order a few extras, and calling in a favor from a friend.

The very moment you woke up, you were being showered in kisses. Giggling softly, you pushed your boyfriend back just enough to see his face. "I'm okay baby, I'm sorry if I scared you." All you received back was a dismissive hand wave. With that, he was quick to grab your favorite meal from the nightstand, handing it to you as you propped yourself up against the pillows weakly. "You have nothing to apologize for, baby. I'm so sorry I didn't know how badly I hurt you sooner and I'm so so fucking sorry I hurt you in the first place. I didn't mean to and I promise you I will never hurt you again." Unsure why you giggled at his statement, he shot you a confused look. "Binnie, I know you didn't mean to and I'm sure it won't be the last time this happens. I knew getting with the kpop version of the Hulk could potentially set me up to be wrecked but I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you, and I know you'd never hurt me on purpose. I mean, at least now you can say you literally blew out my back." You shrugged laughing at your own joke a little too hard. He kissed the tip of your head before saying, "oh, I did have something I got for you as a sorry. Well a couple things but I think you'll like this one a lot. I'll be right back!" He left the room for only a couple minutes coming back in with a rather big box. A cute lilac purple bow on top, and purple pawprint patterned sides. Eyes wide, you looked at him excitedly. Opening the box you saw a cute little white and gray fluff ball staring back at you. 'Mew' Your whole heart melted as you took your new little family member out and laid it on your chest nuzzling into it. "Binniiieee, I love her. Thank you." Your eyes glazed over holding in your happy tears so you didn't scare your sweet boyfriend again. You pulled him to you so you could shower his face with kisses. Each one a small reassurance you loved him and were thankful for him. He wrapped his arms around you tightly cuddling you and your new fur baby, placing gentle and loving kisses on your head and shoulders. "I love you baby. Try and get some more rest. I need my princess feeling better soon." You smiled, burying yourself closer into his side, listening to his heartbeat while your new tiny baby purred on your chest. It wasn't much longer until you fell fast asleep, a smile still resting on your face.

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ask-the-sagents · 5 months

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First Previous Next

Agents 3,4,5, and 8 are now available for questions!

(Translation for Roxie in the tags 🥺❤️)

#splatoon #splatoon 2 #splatoon 3 #agent 3 #agent 8 #agent 24 #translations are as follows:#“fuck it”#“i really hope this doesn't ruin what we have”#“you are more precious to me than the air i breathe or the sun on my face”#“i just cant imagine my life without you and i-”#yeah so eden can change her ink color again they the power of gay #also ignore the inconsistencies in the art i was too tired to fix them lmfao

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juniemunie · 4 months

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[Abandoned by the Lightners, his heart became cracked with hatred.]

Hitting a lil' too close to home?

#junie art post #ink sans #error sans #utmv #errorink #implied. but yea not the focus #this has been turning around in my mind for quite some time. im glad to finish it lmao idk if my ramblings make sense even.#so like listen. do you ever think about how similar the function of the utmv is to the dark worlds in deltarune.#in a meta narrative to fandom sense? idk the word #we are making exaggerated expanded worlds of the ordinary tools and entertainment of the real world and make it into something more #isnt that very very interesting?#and we explore every sort of possibility in that creation. both good and bad #and when all is said and done. every possibility found and the entertainment and secrets has all run out #we put it away. abandon and leave it behind #what is left? what happens to the world and characters we have created? can it sustain without us?#what of the ones left in the dark?#idk if yall saw me a few months ago but i reblogged comyet's old post of ink begging us not to leave him alone and to keep creating #yea that never left me #and seeing exactly THAT SCENARIO in deltarune made my brain iTCH #imagine an ink in King's position.... wait isnt that just underverse #mmmmmmm. darkner ink.....#also error is here too. not just for errorink or that i can't separate these two to save my life #but error is also one of the few people to be able to GET IT?? he can hear the creators too. ink cant #but hes pretty much programmed himself to avoid having a mental break down to this via reboot memory loss.#and ink has his own internal coping mechanism (hooray for short term memory loss)#these two idiots will do anything but confront truths lmfao #ahhh my favorite idiots. never change #mmmmm #deltarune

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ganondoodle · 21 days

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so with echoes of wisdom .. i havent watched any of the trailers beyond the very first one and the thumbnails/screenshots and what others have said about it-

but with the world inside the rift being called "Welt des Nichts" aka "world of nothing/void" in german ('still' in english, for some reason) and demises title in french being "avatar of nothing" ... yeah my anxiety is shooting through the roof again

(hopefully you can be a little more forgiving for me being anxious/weird about it bc demise is my blorbo)

i had similar worries with totk, that werent proven true thankfully, but the darn book is making it all worse again with all those weird lore things the game doesnt even so much as hint at AND potential retcons- im in for a really rough time huh, not just stress in real life (more in tags.. its alot) but now about my specific hyperfixation from two things even (AND artblock still..)

weird as it may sound, i dont want demise to get more lore, partly bc i dont believe theyd do anything with him that i would like (given their track record) but much more importantly- the fact that he has this little lore about him is precisely one of the reasons why i fell in love with him, i tend to like characters that are neglected by the narrative, and his story being both so flat and already done meant i can be very creative with what i come up with for him without necessarily contradicting anything in canon (which is ... or was a big point of how i wrote destiny's story and lore, working with canon in a way that reframes it all without straight up ignoring it ... but i suppose i urgently need to let go of that and accept i spend alot of time working things that will go to waste :( ) AND not having to worry that there will be more stuff with him that would massively change not only what im writing but also potentially how i feel about him since the game he was briefly in was the oldest chronologically and ended with his death- i didnt expect them to mess with anything that far back and thought theyd just go forward and leave the timeline behind and wouldnt mess with it again, given how botw seemed to be a sort of 'fresh start' that seemingly regarded the past as the past that needs to rest and that the timeline was finally no longer a discussion if everythings unified through botw and one thing going forward

but i suppose i was very wrong with that .__.

right now the only thing that motivates me still is the left over determination and spite to work on my zelda comic, since i have never gotten this far and really want to get something done for once, but i cant lie that im feeling like i should pause all work on it too to wait and see waht the book and the new game will do .. either to determine if i still have the will to keep working on it after those things are out (my love for tloz has been taking alot of hits lately ..) or if i have to change stuff (mostly bc of my lore problem trying to not ignore it ..)

#ganondoodles talks #zelda #ganondoodles rants #sorta #suicide attempt mention in the IRL stuff im talking about in the following tags btw #theres some construction stuff on our house going on #and my father is extremely stressed about it #he used to be very explosive- being silent and then exploding out of nowhere .. probably left me with lasting damage yippie-#but now he much more lets it eat at himself bc hes old and feels bad for the past stuff so now it makes him irritated and depressed #my older brother is the most normal cis straight guy you can imagine and incredibly impatient and bossy (you CANNOT talk with him)#(brother doesnt live in our house)#and while hes helping out hes doing it exactly how my father doesnt like and since you cant talk to the guy (explosive +200) it stresses hi #to the point of my father yesterday saying that “it would have been better if i had just died back in the day”#likely referring to the time when he was drafted for the military against his will and tried to kill himself #which i learned only like .. a year ago- theres so little my parents tell me ....#its like my mother telling me- while my father was in hospital for heart surgery- that she not only almost died back when i was a young tee #and only survived bc of some incredibly unebelievable lucky coincidences (medics on a travel being there that knew what she had-#-while our local doctors said welp- nothing we can do lady AND them beign there with a helicopter and emergency transferring her #to antoher bigger hospital while giving her immediate treatment our local one didnt do- AND at the big one just so happened to have-#-an expert on that illness in the facility when she arrived who was able to narrrowly save her life #BUT ALSO while she was recovering and weak and frail as a dust bunny witnessing someone stealing hospital surplies-#not noticing she was in the room at first (which .. the nurses left her in the nurse room while going on break ... which uhm .. yeah cool)#and if my mother hadnt acted in time like she was fully asleep and the lady stealing stuff beign in hurry- she might have killed her #without my mother being able to fight back bc she could barely even talk (the nurses didnt want to believe her when they got back either)#ANYWAY that comment from my father brough me to tears #and my mom is trying out more ... other medication shes not prescribed in hopes of it helping agaisnt her many pains #but i worry it will interact with the other stuff shes on ...#and i worry so much about both of their mental and physical well being #always trying to be the one to calm them down or help with communication bc that is a big problem in this houesehold #but i myself am also a very much not normal and not medicated shut in who has trouble dealing even with my own feelings

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zymstarz · 4 months

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yeah sure that's how i'll [re]come out

#zymart #zymtalk #rant in the tags ->#okay listen to me this is really important and also i have a witness. this was not intentionally supposed to be posted on june 1st #the stars just aligned for this to be at its funniest. which means its also easier for me to dismiss LOL #i drew this like a week ago after trying to draw a whole like. 5 page comic about it and then stopping it mid-board #bc it was horrifying imagining being perceived that much. so i needed to make it into a joke instead and this was the funniest route #and then i was like 'UGH. UGH!!!! i can not be 20 and deal with this like im 13. if i dont post it by the end of the week #then [the witness to all my rants on this topic. shoutout to twig bc they got the most of it] can joke abt it as if i did anyway'#and now its the end of the week and i looked at the date and went 'oh my god didnt may just start what happened'#'WAIT ITS JUNE FIRST. GOD. THATS TOO FUNNY TO NOT SAY SOMETHING' and who am i if i dont prioritize the bit honestly #in all honesty. kinda hate it! not bc of internalized homophobia but actually bc of internalized arophobia that has somehow been emphasized #after having my brain shift from '1000% aromantic without a doubt no exceptions' to 'just arospec ig lol??'#but tragically as it turns out. you can not just try and self analyze yourself into speedrunning closure.#horrible news for the oscar zymstarz community frankly #SO i needed a way 2 justify shoving this off my plate and into the trash as fast as possible.#im impatient and cant acknowledge my own emotions. its a flaw im working on it #oh and for all the ppl who know the running gag abt 'my allegations' [i do not have any real allegations for anyone not in jems server]:#that was in fact just a running gag for like well over a year and a half. like that was just a long running bit COMPLETELY unrelated to thi #i only started having this weird sexuality shift or whatever not too long ago lol. like long enough to go through 4 of the 5 stages of grie #[evidently bc like. im posting this. i got close enough to 5 to throw in the towel ykwim]#but on 'oscar zymstarz emotional acknowledgement' time that is....... not long.#but yeah ig tldr like. still ace [thank god] just arospec [probably demiro? i hate trying to figure out my own labels] instead of Aro now #idk none of this is that deep but also like it kinda is unfortunately bc i have to actually talk abt it to be able to ignore it ykwim #but i did! we're done talking abt it now! and now i can act like i dont care and try to make jokes about it to speedrun the rest of it #anyway. Happy Pride everyone. Fukign kitty.#side message to jem. by no means does this mean im not still gonna bully you. its a sign of love but also it is you specific bullying 🫶#you are not safe #edit: this is karma for saying 'thank god'. might be demiace too. this is the worst month of my life /j

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sea-jello · 3 months

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ouu i haven’t posted anything in a while cause i lowkey forgot how to draw digitally but we’re so back

#a long time ago i saw something about drawing yourself as your mbti and of course im going to draw myself #so here we are #i deadass could not draw for months and all of a sudden i can now #EXAMS ARE OVER IM FREE 🗣🗣🗣 that might be why #this happens quite a bit this happened in january too when i shit out my dystopian design out of nowhere #i designed it without looking at the actual picture first so i think it was supposed to be overalls #either ways i give myself the same outfit every time anyways im a big pants gay on screen and a big jacket gay in real life #imagine the shoelaces are bright yellow okay #i should have used a reference the crossed arms look a little wonky #no more bright purple hair i kinda figured out how to make it black without using black #im still workshopping it cause you cant really see any details i feel like its just one giant blob #RAUAUUHGHHH im on a character design kick i want to design more what should i design #or draw idk im open to suggestions #every time i say that i take months to respond tho so dont take my word for it #i might do loons designs #jellos scribbles #i might have to make a separate tag for when i draw myself at this rate

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putridpride · 24 days

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happy (not that stoked) Labor Day to all the mfs that work today. especially if y'all aren't getting time & a half or double time. Thank you for working because it's what u have to do to survive. Labor Day is only a blue collar worker/office job kinda holiday, so bless you all that are working like it's any other day, I promise we see ya and appreciate y'all <3

#i do my best to just stay home and not go out on labor day for all the workers that still have to work #do your very best to not go to the store. cut the workers some slack and enjoy being you for a day without the help of capitalism #dont hit my askbox if ur gonna slander. only hit my ask box with real facts and real opinions or dont hit it up at all #m.#i bet all the overseas homies are like wtf is labor day and why is it a holiday? honestly you're so right.#its just a holiday to gaslight all 9-5 workers into believing theyre important to their job #thankfully im off but no one ever tells you thank you for doing your job or putting in the effort to make society flow easier.#no one!! so I'll be the one to tell yall:#life aint easy. and it definitely aint easy when you're providing for a family or those you love. especially in america on poverty level #or even lower middle class. the rich are shaking in their boots knowing we're aware of their abuse of the system and the ploy to keep #lower middle class/upper middle class complete different worlds than one another. but they're both essentially the same class???#firm believer of socialism or a sprinkle of communism. this shit is awful #imagine raising your kids to be able to navigate american economics along with their passion in life. oh shit. you cant? sounds accurate.#kids either kill themselves from the stress of it all or become just like their parents. like the world is in the 60's still #i really. really. really hate America and its politics. ive always wanted to kms to get away from it..#but it's not possible and i. unfortunately. have too much to lose. despite to popular belief.#but all you need to know is things will always SEEM worse but its really not. just keep pushing and believe in yourself ❣️

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mariemariemaria · 2 months

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i feel kinda crazy bc whenever i was a teenager i created this sorta imaginary older big sister who had moved out of the house so in my head i could live w her whenever i wanted bc she had survived it all and was independent and she would also just comfort me in a big sisterly way whenever something bad or upsetting happened and recently ive been going back to that at my big age 😭 and its kinda sad and also just wish fulfillment and also kinda scary bc i really used to think that by my age i'd have everything sorted but i really don't and i know that's normal and nobodies twenties are perfect but some people also have good relationships w their fathers which is crazy just to think about sooo

#is this readable? i hope not ❤️#i typed up some of my feelings about this in a word doc and just realised like damn i basically have an imaginary friend as an adult #i really am crazy lol #i just feel lonely within my family atm. bc my brother is younger than me so he could never really do anything to help #and i feel like i cant really trust my mam the same anymore..even tho i still love her a lot #and i'm trying to improve my relationship w my dad bc im realising what a hard life he had and that he's not like an irredeemable Bad Perso #and sometimes he'll look at me a certain way or apologise for something small that he would never have apologised for a couple of years ago #and i feel like im going crazy like is he becoming a better person or..? and i feel bad bc im not really doing the same #or maybe i am. sometimes i think im unfair to him considering how he is now but i also cant really reconcile what he is now w/ how he #was then. and then he'll suddenly say something to me in a certain tone of voice or with a certain sharpness and i'll go back to how a felt #as a teenager :/ i rlly dont know what to do about it but i think its because i dont really have anyone to talk to about it #i mean i sort of do. but i also dont actually know how much of it actually happened and how much of it i just made up #but having worked w teenagers yeah they can be little shits but i also cant imagine treating any of them the way my dad treated me #just bc theyre annoying or have an attitude or are a little mean or whatever #like theres actually a lot of ppl i could talk to but also how do you even bring something like this up #how do i say 'oh and i invented an older sister as a coping mechanism and sometimes i still talk to her in my head' without sounding crazy #its 2am here i need to go to bed i have work in the morning 😭 day and night and next day ruined bc my dad spoke to me slightly funny

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frecklystars · 2 months

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Wow, 32 asks. Thank you guys so much 😭😭 last night was one of the worst shifts I ever had at work. I feel like i keep reverting back to a year ago when everything was fresh. it's been extraordinarily difficult the past couple of months but it always eases the ache when I read nice messages. it genuinely calms me down a lot when other people tell me it's gonna be ok. so thank you to everyone who took the time to do that for me ;-;

I'm gonna be honest, I feel super hopeless. I am not getting joy from anything right now. Drawing, socializing, watching movies, listening to music, I'm feeling *absolutely nothing*. I am triggered by the SMALLEST fucking things that I thought I was getting better at handling. I'm having trouble wearing skirts again. I'm flinching around the color pink when I was doing SO much better with it. For the last nine days, I haven't gone three hours without having a panic attack. I'm not sleeping. My flashbacks are lasting longer. I'm having out of body experiences again for the first time in almost a year. I feel so hopeless. I told myself one year ago "hey I feel like I'm dying right now my ptsd is so fucking bad but! hey! one year from now, I'll feel better! this will feel so far away from me!" but I don't. I don't feel better. I don't think it's possible to feel better bc I'm too broken. It's been over a year and I don't feel like it's possible for me to make progress.

My Barbie/Ken anniversary is coming up and I was excited for the first couple of weeks, but right now I just... feel absolutely nothing. I am so, so, so severely depressed and my anxiety is getting worse every day. I need help out of my unsafe situation so fucking bad dude it's just gonna kill me. I'm so scared this whole thing is gonna genuinely kill me. I wish I could talk about it but I don't want to scare people but at the same time, it's so bad and it's weighing on me so heavily and I am so fuckign tired of dealing with this every single day

I don't know if I'm gonna go offline or not, bc my problem isn't even online. so... I don't see how being offline would help much. I just feel like I'm supposed to do SOMETHING, literally ANYTHING to feel something. Going offline last time made me feel significantly worse, so maybe that shouldn't be my next step. But I feel nothing when I'm blogging right now. I tried making a Jacob edit the other day and I felt no joy. I want to be filling up my queue for the 21st, all of my Barbie and Ken photos and gifsets. I should be writing Barbie and Ken love notes. I should be making video edits again! but I feel nothing!!! This is the one and only anniversary that actually matters to me this year - sorry to the other 12 Ryan F/Os who have anniversaries but THIS ONE is THE most important one, because these two characters are the F/Os that have helped me the most with my abuse trauma/cptsd. They're the whole reason why I started self shipping again. I want to celebrate that. I want to be excited about it. I am just so fucking numb.

I NEED to feel something for this anniversary, I miss celebrating F/O anniversaries! I don't get to do that anymore since self shipping was ruined for me! Since my main F/Os were ruined for me! I deserve to have a good time with my new F/Os!! I am a good person and I am kind despite all the bullshit I've been through and I work really hard to try to heal from shit! I try to stay positive and I try to help people and I!!! Deserve!! To have a day where I feel good with my F/Os without reliving every single horrifying vile thing that someone did to me! but I feel so empty right now and it hurts! I was excited a couple of weeks ago when I was planning all the activities i was gonna do on the 21st, like a restaurant and a movie and baking and throwing a party with my friends, but now?? Nothing. Absolutely NOTHING in my heart. I feel so goddamn empty. I am so depressed. I really really feel like I can't get better. It's been over a year and I am incapable of healing from my trauma and I don't know what to do about it. I am trying so many things to heal!! I'm going walking, I'm eating way healthier and cutting sugar to see if that helps clear my head a bit more, I'm getting sun, I'm drinking so much water, I'm exercising, I've cut my screen time significantly and reading more often, I'm hanging out with my friends as much as I can, I am trying everything in the book and I feel like a zombie just sitting here and rotting to death, going through the motions and reliving my trauma in my head over and over and over and over and over and over again and I can't get any fucking peace. It's like everybody in the world is living their days while the planet is spinning but I am stuck in the same spot reliving the most horrific bullshit imaginable over and over and over. I feel like I've lost almost 2 years of my life to trauma. I don't feel like I've aged, I feel like everything happened yesterday. I feel like I'm stuck in one spot while everybody else is walking forward and I can't move.

Sorry to ramble I didn't mean to turn this into a vent post but idk what else to do. I don't know if I should go offline on my actual anniversary or maybe a couple of days leading up to it?? Or maybe I'm supposed to BE online and blog about the F/Os to see if that helps me feel better?? Being offline made me feel worse. But being online isn't helping me either. Dude I don't fucking know. I need to work on some crafts or something. I need to make a BarbieLand diorama and paint it. I'm gonna bake heart shaped cookies for the first time this weekend. I'm gonna invite my friends over and we're gonna have a party on Sunday and watch the Barbie movie together. I don't know what else to do but I have to just... keep trying I guess even though I feel nothing while doing these things, it's better than doing nothing

If anyone has advice or something, it's more than welcome. Or even just a "wow, that's rough, buddy". I'm sorry for being negative, I try to remain positive on this hellsite but it's so hard right now. Thank you again to everyone who wrote me a nice message last night when I was hurting. I'm sorry I'm gonna probably be asking for encouraging messages a few more times in the next few weeks bc supportive messages are the only things that have been effectively (affectively?) helping me lately

#self harm mention #<- in the tags #vent #im sorry ill delete this later #ok im gonna try to sleep now and my queue will just post while im gone. as always #i am so tempted to stay offline for another month but i know that will be bad for me #i need to make love notes again. try to self ship again. but i dont feel anything for any f/os #i self harmed at work last night in the storage closet just to feel physical pain for 2 seconds instead of intense anxiety #why do i feel like i did a year ago?? why am i suddenly So Fucking Bad right now??#why am i relapsing so fucking hard?????#no. i know why. but i cant do anything to control/fix that situation so. cool. coolcoolcool #i am just doomed to never heal i think this is my new life now im just always gonna be dealing with this #i never would have imagined my life would ever get this bad. i wish i could go back in time #idk how to explain to ppl without cptsd this shit just EATS at you every single second youre alive #i cant function and i thought id be better by now but im not. i keep reliving everything that happened to me and i cant relax #ok i need to sleep its 6am. ill queue this for. whenever i dont care it doesnt matter #im sorry if i end up not answering any dms today im Going Thru It

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shanti-ashant-hai · 3 months

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#i love my mother #but god sometimes i wonder if she loves me back #i do something good and im the light of her life #i do something mediocre and she expects better of me #its those words. those fucking words that have haunted me my whole life #“i expected more from you”#am i not enough? am i not fucking enough for you just the way i am?#if i didnt do the things ive done would you still love me?#or would you wish for a daughter who'd accomplish things you never did. a daughter who dreamed of things better than you did.#a daughter who was you. but better.#mumma i love you so much. so so much. i cant imagine a world without you #but why must you be like this #why do you want me to be the best?#im so afraid of disappointing you. its terrifying. gut wrenching. the very thought makes me sick #and yet. and yet. here we are.#“you're better than this”#BUT WHY MUST I BE #WHY CANT I BE ME #IS THE THOUGHT OF ME BEING MYSELF SO LOATHSOME TO YOU THAT YOU SHOW HURT EVERYTIME I DONT DO SOMETHING UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS #AM I REALLY THAT FUCKING UNLOVABLE #THAT I HAVE TO BE THE GREATEST AT EVERYTHING JUST FOR A SLIVER OF YOUR ATTENTION AND ADORATION #WHY MUST I BE AN EXTENSION OF YOUR WANTS AND DESIRES #WHY MUST I FULFILL THE PROPHECIES YOU'VE FAILED #WHY CANT I DO SOMETHING FOR MYSELF. FOR ME. THE WAY I WANT IT TO BE #GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ITS TEARING ME APART BUT PLEASE.#PLEASE.#LOVE ME. LOVE ME THE WAY I AM AND NOT THE WAY YOU WANT ME TO BE.#shanti ki ashanti suno

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stuck-in-the-ghost-zone · 3 months

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oh i've run into a VERY specific and hilarious pet peeve

#when people dont know what the word intangible means....... and use it interchangably with invisible......#ohhhh none of you grew up watching danny phantom and it SHOWS.#head in hands. intangible means going through things. you can still see someone when thsyre intangible.#intangible does not automatically equal invisible. holy shit #that word is just so deeply deeply ingrained into me at this point im like HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW- ohhhhhhhh. oh im old now i understand.#that show is 20 fucking years old of COURSE nobody else has seen it. i cant imagine living that kind of life.#who would i be without danny phantom. its like my whole personality both online and irl. literally what kind of person would i be.#wow. intangible.#blahblahblah #IMMEDIATELY closed out of the fic i was reading because of this. btw.

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ichigosoju · 4 months

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🌷

#i cant believe i could've almost been his girlfriend!!!!#im sad that he never asked me and never waited ....#because i know me and im dependable and devoted #i go all in if i love #but instead he .. fell in love fast and quick and i get it. i get why he fell for her i really do so i dont blame him #but... they only lasted a month then they broke up #she left. and i get that she and i are different people #but i cannot fathom how you can have HIM and leave him #i cant even imagine my life without him. he is genuinely all i think about #and she left.... !!!!! i cant understand that (from my pov. she is her own person i know)#i just wish he'd stuck it out and given me a chance (bc he did feel those things for me he said that)#i know the heart want what it wants but oh how i wish #i would've been with him until now. i would've never have left him #i wish i wish he didnt do that bc now he's even more heartbroken and i know it'll just be harder for me to maybe prove myself to him #(btw this sounds super selfish but this is only me venting my feelings!!!)#im still here for him. i've never left. i've been so so patient. isnt that worth anything?#most of the time it feels like he doesnt even appreciate me :( at all #i just cannot believe that HE once upon a time wanted ME to be his gf #if things just had gone a bit differently i would've been so lucky to call myself his #and him mine... that's so crazy to me #that's my dream...#i dont wanna give up on him bc i love him sm i cant imagine any other way my life can go #but.... i cant push if he isnt even replying... i cant bother him too much #then im just crazy #and my anxities arent even letting me message him at all #bc even if i asked if it's ok and he said im not bothering him #im convinced i am. i mean it really seems and feels like i am doing that #so i just cannot even message him..... which makes my life so empty i wanna cry #sometimes i wish i'd never met him bc my love for him has ruined my life now that i cant have him

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the-gayest-sky-kid · 11 months

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like im just saying they should invent a family that doesn't make you want to kill yourself

#and a school system while theyre at it #or just a me that wouldn't make me want to kill myself #just like. without all the problems that make it impossible to exist in normal society as myself #i know technically its possible for me to have a future but goddammit i dont see one okay #i havent made a single goddamn real life connection since middle school and now we're so distant i barely remember whos who on discord #thats not to mention how I've just been on the edge of every friendgroup anyway. including that one #im just some fucking loser. im not going to fucking graduate my only career aspiration is a goddamn pipe dream and if i dont fucking kill #myself by then im going to be stuck living with my family forever and we're not going to be seeing eye to eye.#all ive ever done is dig myself a deep grave and then tether other people to me to drag them down too #i love you all but i dont know how you see me as anything but gross and annoying and weirdly fucking clingy okay #i just #i dont know what im fucking doing #i wish i did. i wish i knew but i dont. and it feels like everyone else has figured out how things work and im just supposed to do that too #but i cant. i fucking cant and it keeps getting worse and i keep getting worse and i keep making it worse for my family while im at it #i miss being able to imagine doing stuff tomorrow. or in an hour #i miss being able to wash the dishes and not having to think about stabbing myself with fucking cutlery #i miss being able to show my mother my report card #but its my fucking fault im in this mess in the first place #and i just cant fucking try enough. or at all #aethers rants #cw vent #cw sui ideation #personal posts and stuff idk

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cestacruz · 6 months

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Mmm Jeanne

#servants cant learn new stuff (i'll talk about jalter in a second) therefore #jeanne shouldnt know how to read or write #we actually Dont get a confirmation that she can do those things in summer 3. because the book that jalter thought jeanne wrote #was actually Her own book #jeanne works with marie. maybe she comes up with the ideas and does rough drawings that marie would be Delighted to bring to life #marie reads to jeanne is my image #jalter taught herself how to read and write and i think that was possible because of the unstability of her existence #if you try to teach jeanne how to read and write it will stick for a second but if like idk 15-20 min pass she would likely find herself #unable to read again and her writting to be suboptimal #she can sign her own name ofc thats historical #she can recite the bible from memory iirc #i love jalter's ability to be her own person even if it comes with the fact that she is very much. an ephemeral dream #like her FCKING SKILL IS CALLED.#WHY MUST YOU HURT ME LIKE THIS FGO #anyway. now jeanne again but physical #oughhh thank u for the support in the tags when i said jeanne should have self image issues because she looked different in life #i hadnt fully talked bout it i just went with hair but yeah. i need to check again because im pretty sure her body wasnt Suuuper different #but i just gotta confirm #but im just so i love the idea of her just not liking the way she manifested abd not knowing Why she manifested like that #when there are Countless depictions of her with her short brown hair #sieg looks to the side whistling (its not his fault but he knows the pseudo servant part #and its probably a mix of . fate apocrypha's manifestation and of how some people imagined jeanne looked like #but it still upsets her #not that she'd ever complain to people #you can probably get it out of her tho #unrelated and only to those who reached this far: im thinking of a singularity set in 15th century orleans in the Middle of the hundred year #war. but the difference aint “oh jeanne d'arc came back to life evil” rather than “there seems to be a battle here where it shouldnt and oh #my god is that jeanne- oh god jeanne d'arc fucking died--#and chaldeas has to try and fix the war without living breathing jeanne d'arc #actually thats not the middle of the 100yearwar but yknow what i mean. also haha jk unless...

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todayisafridaynight · 1 year

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YEAH........... YEAH..... LIKEWISE, NO NOTES AT ALL, THAT'S EXACTLY IT... Main antagonist deaths are often treated as "comeuppance," but that would be the ultimate comeuppance for Aoki. As it stands, the only people who actually suffer for it are Ichiban and Jo, and Ichi didn't even do anything wrong. Also please I'm positive there's more to wring out of Aoki and Jo for an essay 😭😭at the very least, I always love to hear your perspective!

"he'd made a social circle for himself where people predominantly liked him for the power and influence" <- incredibly Mine-core of Aoki btw (I also feel the rest applies a little in terms of Mine probably being very quick to write off people who Do care about him as not caring about him, as with Katase, but it's nowhere near the extent of the Arakawas)

Wait actually it's kind of funny... for both Mine and Aoki, I was so sure their endings would go a certain way. Mine and Kiryu'd fight Richardson off together and Ichi'd, I don't know, shield Aoki or hug him so Kume couldn't get to him in the first place, or after that INSANE direct parallel to Arakawa running to the hospital with Masato, he'd miraculously pull through like he did on New Year's. Tormented with visions of the better timeline... With Aoki in particular, it makes me want to tear my hair out because the moment of him choosing to put the gun in the locker was REVOLUTIONARY for the series, looking at the characters he was most heavily based on.

Anyway. Bottom line. These bitches need to hug it out. It was so evil Arakawa didn't hug Ichi at Omi HQ or on the waterfront like bro stop being """manly""" for five seconds you're ruining my life you're ruining your own lives

There'd genuinely be nothing more painful yet more satisfying for an antagonist than being confronted with the consequences of their actions and having to navigate life after having making those decisions, ESPECIALLY when it comes to mending the bonds that- for anyone else- would have shattered long ago. With Aoki being motivated by the want to be loved and appreciated for himself, it would've been nice to see him finally acknowledge that he did have that love and start to better himself as a result (however much he'd be able to while in prison anyway lmao).

The Mine and Aoki comparisons are so real though, I remember joking to myself about it days after beating the game but it just fuels my mental illness every time I think about it ☠️ I LEGALLY AM NOT ALLOWED TO GO OFF ABOUT THE Y7 ENDING I'VE DONE IT TOO MUCH it makes me so mad every time I think about it 😭 ESPECIALLY THE PARALLELS WITH ARAKAWA AND THE LOCKERS UGGGHHH IT COULD HAVE BEEN SUCH AN EPIC CONCLUSION WITH THAT... Arakawa running from the lockers at the start of Aoki's life compared to Ichiban running from the lockers and getting Aoki to the hospital so Aoki can restart life I'm Going To Kill Someone (myself) (in Minecraft)

#snap chats #theres a note here about aoki's self hatred and ergo his inability to believe people could love him without 'worth'#and some kind of. I Dont Know occurs that comes with aoki accepting that love and ergo At Least Tolerating himself #and again becoming better as a person as a result. not WHOLLY you cant undo Everything Wrong With Him with one therapy session #but itd at least be a start and thats far more than anything else rgg has given since like. ryuji in dead souls #but w/e i- as per usual- have the vocabulary of a walrus so we're just gonna have to imagine i said something profound #AND THE LACK OF HUGGING IN THIS FRANCHISE IM GOING TO STAB ALL OF YOU. IN MINECRAFT.#with the power of delusions and this like seven-year-old wacom tablet i can fix that......#it'll never be enough it'll never fill the void in my soul but it'll be something i guess #BUT UGH NO SORRY IM JUST MAD NOW #nothing in my life has ever genuinely triggered anger in me than the y7 ending its just soooooooOOOOO #IT WAS SOOO CLOSE TO BEING PERFECT I CANT #im going to give myself a blood clot thinking about it anymore i feel my heart stopping Do Not Call An Ambulance I Cannot Afford It #so to stop myself from going in any more debt than i already am..... the possibility of any essays from me are very small #my ability to use words is near non existent. i feel like a right ninny sometimes #in any case im not sure what else i could expand on that isn't restating what you've said #cant ever be upset with bein on the same wavelength tho it gives my inarticulate ass a helluva easier time trying to explain LMAO #plus im petrified of trying to interpret anything from the english dub or english subs #and looking into language use is Very Much important when dissecting abusive relationships #i guess there's always just talking about general actions committed and not inspecting the exact words used #idk.. at the very least ill rotate the concept in my head and then fend off the urge to eat my teeth #i'm gonna throw up.... im still thinking of it........ gonna make an unrelated-but-arguably-related post in like three seconds #dont look at it its cringe

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