#「 starter call 」 — ❛ i could care less than for your grandiosity. ❜

[angerworn]

------i owe a lot in my inbox & drafts but today is stressy. poke the heart for a one-line lyric starter when i get up from my nap (:

[kathleensmithmusic]

(pic by Melodee Solomon.)

A SMATTERING / AND ALSO A BIT ON PERMISSION

I have been taking a little brain break from this space, AND, I was just watching a video by the brilliant the super magical Angel Phoenix, and it juiced me up so much, I had to pop on here to say a few things.

This is basically just a smorgasbord of some of the things currently between my ears:

1. WHATEVER FEELS RIGHT TO YOU, LEAN INTO THAT. There are people, ideas, stories & paradigms that have coding that resonates with the home vibration of your soul. You’ll know it by the way engaging with them makes you feel more relaxed (that deep parasympathetic sigh of the nervous system dropping, for example), more spacious, possibly more turned on but from a spacious & delighted & inspired space, and more excited about YOU and YOUR LIFE and whatever YOUR MEDICINE is for this life. GO THERE. Fuck everything else. I truly mean it. FUCK IT ALL except that which is in tune & resonance with your heart & soul. Follow what feels right. Your body knows. Listen & allow!!!! Doesn’t have to resonate for ANYONE ELSE but if it does for you, THAT IS MEDICINE TO TRUST!!!!!!

2. In service to that very thing—i.e. TEND TO YOUR OWN SOUL, HEART & NERVOUS SYSTEM & MAGICAL BODY--these are some things I’ve been up to and not up to lately:

        1. Staying (mostly) off social media: I deleted IG from my phone ten days ago. I realized it has an addictive hold on me, and I don’t feel good when I engage with it for more than about 5 minutes per day. It took less than 48 hours for me to start to feel inner peace and joy again. (I only popped back in here because this transmission feels exciting & important, and I’m going to re-delete when I’m finished posting!). Some people can engage with social & be fine, just like some people can engage with alcohol and be fine. Others of us cannot. It’s all good. The point is to know our own energy and honor & tend to it in ways that deeply nourish us individually. There is no ONE way—only the way that feels right deep in our bones.

        2. Sleeping a lot. I was already a 9-10h/night lady, and these days I take lots of naps, too.

        3. Working out EVERY SINGLE DAY, first thing in the morning. You’ve probably noticed me talking about my workouts. They are my favorite thing aside from music & my husband & planet Earth, and they keep me sane and grounded and joyful. I just show up and do what my trainer (on the screen) tells me, and I get stronger & fitter every fucking day. OMG I could talk about this whole thing for hours.  Nothing juices me the way working out does, and can I just say—BEING & FEELING STRONG AF has changed EVERYTHING about my life over the past ten months. I am fucking HERE these days. Like—hello, planet Earth, I am HERE and I am not trying to be anywhere else, and I FUCKING LOVE IT HERE.

        4. Limiting consumption of covid info, politics, news, etc. – I mean, I already didn’t read the news, but when this whole thing hit, I was gobbling it up for hours a day and F R E A K I N G out a LOT. I realized that doesn’t work for me, because honestly, a freaked out, paralyzed, terror-ridden Kathleen is no good to anyone. New rule: no consuming for Kathleen. Shawn gives any updates. This rule has really been working for me. I slacked for a couple of weeks and then realized I was starting to feel unwell, and that’s when I deleted IG from my phone ten days ago, and VOILA: FEELING A BAZILLION TIMES BETTER.

        5. MASSIVE PERMISSION: I have a vision in my heart about who I know I could be and how massively I feel I can and want to serve people & the world, and for the first few weeks of this whole quarantine/COVID situation, I was ON FUCKING FIRE with it in a new way.

Excited. Scared. Married to the vision of what feels important to me. Making stuff. Sharing a little more, etc.

And then, suddenly, after about three weeks of that, I just felt EXHAUSTED BEYOND BELIEF.

Suddenly, all I wanted was to not care one whit about the world, or my mission, or anything beyond my tiny, cozy life, and just read books and paint my nails.

You know—immediate vicinity shit.  Back into the CAVE.

So, boom—PERMISSION TO FEEL THAT WAY & PERMISSION TO CAVE IN & PERMISSION TO COZIFY & LIVE MY TINY LITTLE LIFE. I let go of caring about my mission, fell off the face of social and went inward.

I read Mists of Avalon (OMFG WHAT A MAGICAL FUCKING BOOK).

I started cooking again.

I just fucking was quiet and cozy and stopped giving a flying fuck about anything other than enjoying the simple life right in front of my eyes.

I’m still in that space, and can I just tell you—WHAT A FUCKING RELIEF.

I can’t even tell you the agida (is that how you spell it?!) and angst and despair and G R A S P I N G that I have experienced for my entire life around MY MISSION and MY VISION and MY MUSIC and MY DESIRE TO SERVE ON A MASSSSSSSIVE LEVEL and MY COMPULSION TO BE SEEN (coupled with somatic terror for my literal safety, which led to a MASSIVE stalemate inside of me because the brain says “I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY & I MUST BE SEEN!!!” and the subconscious says “I MUST NOT EVER BEEN SEEN TOO WIDELY BECAUSE THAT WILL GET ME KILLED & EXILED, AND I MUST REMAIN SAFE AT ANY AND ALL COSTS.”)

What a tangled, dramatic mess it has always been, and just fucking STRESSFUL as all get out.

And now, there is a new peace.

I don’t know whether it’s quarantine, or the prayer practice I’m in right now, or getting older, or the masks that are dropping like flies for all of humanity right now, or what, but suddenly, it feels like layers of my personality that have been all tied up in my mission & my purpose & my grand and grandiose desires to serve on a global and cosmic level (& all of the agitation that comes with it because of the equally loud & powerful parts inside of me who must stay safe at all costs) have just been dropping away.

Like the way a cicada suddenly drops its exoskeleton and emerges brand new.

Like the way a seed planted in the dark, moist Earth splits open, and a new form emerges.

LIKE: NEW ME—WHO DIS?

But not NEW ME as much as just…Kathleen, deconditioned to a deeper degree than ever.

Kathleen who suddenly realized that she doesn’t actually have to DO anything AT ALL to be enough—I already AM enough, and actually, enoughness is not even on the table. 

Here I am, a human on the Earth, having an experience, and haha—joke’s on me, because THAT HAS BEEN THE WHOLE POINT, THE WHOLE TIME!!!!!

That’s it: EXPERIENCE.

The whole situation, the entire enchilada, the big fucking secret hiding out in plain sight.

LIFE LIVING LIFE.

Consciousness & the Universe experiencing Itself through the body/personality/soul matrix of the one we call Kathleen, who has never existed in this particularity before and never will, and

EVERY

SINGLE THING

She experiences

Is

Just

E X P E R I E N C E,

Is just

The mirror consciousness uses to say

“Oh hey, here I am again, in THIS form, in THIS form, in THIS form!” HOW GLORIOUS!!!!!!

 The Universe narrowed herself from her infinitude IN ORDER TO EXPERIENCE Herself as ME, and THAT IS ALL!

 Life living life.

 The Great Whatever experiencing this whole thing & play of life as a human on Earth.

 WHAT?!?!?!?!

 AND ALSO: WHAT A REVELATION AND A RELIEF!!!!!

 I don’t have to free anyone, or serve anyone, or fucking achieve some grand mission, or be productive to earn love (or safety or security) because it’s what I’ve been conditioned to believe.

 I live on a fucking planet that has fish & plants that glow, light shows that happen in the sky (Northern lights), unicorns who swim in the fucking ocean (hello narwhales), trees that give me oxygen and dirt that gives me food.

 I can just L I V E, however feels right or not right to me, and it’s all good.

 ARE YOU FOLLOWING?!? I mean, what a revelation.

 Nothing to do, no one to be, nowhere to go.

 Have I ever lived that way? Definitely fucking no.

 Does it feel amazing to do so now? Definitely fucking yes.

 Okay, I hope that made some sense to you.

 These things—these deep Mysteries—always are like trying to carry the actual SUN in the bed of a Ford F350.

 IMPOSSIBLE.

 And yet, the words & the transmission can hopefully be felt.

 NOTHING TO DO.

NOWHERE TO BE.

NO ONE TO BE.

 And then what? Then the rest is

FUCKING

BONUS.

(pic by Melodee Solomon.)

Okay, I LOVE YOU.

 I’m going back into my cave.

(I made gluten-free sourdough starter this past ten days, so I’m making bread tonight!!!)

(amazing photo by me. HA!)

I may or may not emerge at some point, but regardless, please remember: I LOVE YOU. LIFE LOVES YOU. YOU ARE DOING THIS PERFECTLY. HEED YOUR INNER URGINGS. FOLLOW WHAT FEELS RIGHT. PRAY TO SOMETHING (I pray to the Divine Mother) IF THAT FEELS GOOD. AND: NO MATTER WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD, YOU CAN BE SOVEREIGN IN YOUR OWN HEART & MIND, and THAT is something that never needs to change.

 AND—FUCKING REACH OUT!

If you’re having a TIME or need a pep talk or WHATEVER, REACH THE FUCK OUT TO ME. If you do it here, not sure when I’ll see it, so better to text or email me, but I AM HERE 4 U, and we all belong to each other, so let’s fucking keep loving & living & daydreaming together.

I GOT U BOO.

I LOVE U.

If we could see each other in person, I’d give you some sourdough bread or some of the apple muffins I made this morning or some of the sourdough starter I made (I HAVE EXTRA, ACTUALLY, SO IF YOU ARE IN SANTA FE AND WANT SOME, TRULY, PLEASE, HMU.)

Okay okay, volcano transmission over for now.

LOVE UUUUUUUUUUU

4EVAAAAAA

(pic by Seth Jacob.)

[vitalmindandbody]

10 Simple-minded Ways To Heal A Broken Heart

I cant do this anymore.

The terms still reverberating in your ears, ricochetting around until they land like a punch in the gut. Youre instantly transported to a new world, one you didnt know existed before this moment. A world-wide and life without your beloved.

It doesnt feel real. You pinch yourself to wake up from this nightmare, but youre still here, still revolving from this declaration, this revocation of love.

Warm snaps stream down your face until you begin to sob, that terrifying uncontrollable sobbing that leaves you gasping for air. You want to hide away, cry yourself to sleep, and somehow magically feel better tomorrow.

Weve all been here. Or some modification of it. Weve all had our centers cracked and stomped on. Weve all diverted over every moment of our relations in our headings and wondered, What could I have done differently?

But we are now transported into a macrocosm where the love we seemed is grasped away from the americans and dont know what to do with ourselves other than suffers and sorrow our loss.

I recently read a work that briefly touched upon anguish and its advice mostly amounted to go out with your lovers as far as possible. WTF? Thats it? Thats how Im going to heal my mettle? Most of my lovers are scattered in all regions of the world. Becoming out with them every night isnt even a viable option.

How on globe do you turn off those kinds of impressions? What happens to affection lost? How do you mend a broken heart? I decided to investigate how to mend my own shattered heart.

In previous breakups, Ive simply idly fallen into my personal motifs of desire lost. For me, I exclaim, I stay in bed, watch bad tv, chew cookie dough, and hide away from the people who love me. I mainly dont DO anything. I sit and wait.

Because time heals all winds, right? Or does it? If occasion is a construct of our attentions, do “weve been” have to wait for the occur of period, something illusory to mend ourselves? Can we speed up the process of healing our wraps? How much is impossible to ensure our healing through our wars and blueprints?

So, instead of blindly falling into my decorations, I started to ask myself some questions about my habits. Im looking at my structures with enjoying interest, playing with them a little bit, realise what is actually acting me and determining what patterns are there exclusively because of economy, because my memory, form, and nerve are too tired for anything but pattern. And heres what Ive learned

1. Lean Into Sensation

Essentially, everything we know as physical beings comes down to sensation that we name good or bad. When I began to lean into the wizard in my body, requesting what it had to tell me, thoughts began to transform. I asked where the ache lives in my torso. I closed my eyes and supposed symbolizing my excitement. I described what it felt like in writing, how I had to remind myself to breathe and how fascinating the absence of a act- breath and love feels so heavy.

I examined the tightening in my chest, trying not to label it good or bad, just simply as superstar. Human tolerating is predominantly an expression of the results of labeling event as good or bad and right or wrong.

The thing about perception is, its ever changing. It doesnt stay forever. When we change our perspective of know-how merely being a temporary district of existence, it takes service charges out of it, simply through the simple-minded number of observation. In my own experience, the sensation itself tend to change faster the closer I look at it.

By noticing how heavy the fact that there is breath felt, I began to fill my lungs with slower, deeper breaths and learnt my entire being become a bit lighter.

2. Frankie Says Relax

Remember those t-shirts from the 80 s from Frankie goes to Hollywood? Passes out those guys had a good idea.

While this might seem a little bit self-contradictory to simply discovering perception, this practice of tightening your body has slightly different merits. We support so much better tension in our mass on a daily basis, and its even more amplified in times of high-pitched stress.

Make a practice of checking each part of your mas for tension. I like to start out lying down on my back and closing my gazes like I would for savasana. Take a couple of deep sighs, then try to contract and tense up every single muscle in your organization at once. Hold this for got a couple of seconds, then liberate the tension in your whole mas. Repeat a couple of times. I find it helpful to see the comparison in how my person tones between the tension and the relaxation.

Then take it further by slowly checking each part of your form from leader to toe. Tense up an individual muscle group for a moment, then exhaust it. Crinkle your forehead, and handout. Squeeze your eyes tight, and handout. Clench your jaw, and handout. Press your tongue to the ceiling of your opening, then make it hang loose in your mouth.

You get the picture. We all know we view so much friction and stress in our shoulders and backs, but also pay attention to the little neighbourhoods. Tightening the smallest muscle radicals, particularly in my appearance, often prepare the most difficult difference in how I seem afterwards.

3. Move It

Rest is important in mending a middle. But I often situate too much emphasis on it. Yes, I need to take care of myself with sleep and the blessing of stillness. But I now believe it is equally important to move your torso very. The medium of shift isnt important. Just move.

On day one I went to a yin yoga class. While technically moving my body, the needs of the of yin yoga are much less than read a spin class. Yin allowed me to extend my form while still allowing me to appear introverted and my existence internalized which was all I could handle.

On day two I croaked for a four mile walk in the common. I remained my headphones on and didnt talk to anyone, but extended my legs and got plenty of oxygen into my lungs.

This movement is facilitating me hinder some momentum and vigour for other aspects of “peoples lives” I dont want to placed on hold while my centre heals.

4. Reach For A Better Feeling Thought

This one can feel a bit tricky. For starters, the thought of exuberance can feel so far removed from where you are right now. So, start where you are.

If you are depressed, what next best happen can you contact for? Depression is experiencing hopeless, disheartened, retiring. There isnt even any energy around depression. Happiness and desire can feel like a world away from depression.

Can you reach for something that seems slightly better than this powerless desperation? Perhaps hope? Or wrath or storm? Most passions have more vitality behind them than hollow. While temper isnt a situate you want to stay in, it can also stimulus some movement.

What if every day you worked towards an spirit merely one step in future directions you wish to move? Take a look at the Emotional Guidance System scale I formed from Ask and it is Given below. Moving up by one spirit a daylight will put you in a pretty good region in not so long a time.

There is something else to watch out for here. In the midst of my profound bereavement, I have minutes of genuine laugh when I hear something funny. The first few meters it happened, I immediately experienced guilty.

It was as if my feeling good in any way was a disloyalty to my broken heart. My mentality was telling me that if I feel good, its as if I didnt appreciate such relationships as much as I felt I did. Well, that is hogwash. That is my hurt ego talking. My relationship mean and still signifies “the worlds” to me. Tell me be really clear on this point…

If youre having a hard time contacting for a better sensitive conception, try some visualizations. Stay away from thinks about your relationship and cherish. They are very charged topics, so start somewhere easy.

Close your eyes, thought the sentiments of the warm sunlight on your look, and cool breeze on bare shoulders. Dream the flavor of your favorite dinner on your tongue. Dream your abs hurting after a good belly laugh. Improve on this feeling with knowledge from our lives you can draw from. What in your life is full of ease and joy?

5. Surround Yourself With Reminders Of Truth, Beauty, And Love

I have a tattoo on my left forearm that enunciates Love Inspired by a blog upright called the Beauty of the Ellipsis, it serves as a reminder that ardour isnt a finished thinking. It is always in motion, ever deriving. Adoration for myself, my family, your best friend, and those Ive lost.

I have a maple seed necklace to remind me that in every moment Im planting the seeds of my future. I have prisms hanging from my windows for an extra perforate of coloring and rainbows on sunny epoches. I am gradually building a jungle in my house. I fill empty spaces with plants that remind me of life and vitality even on the grayest of days.

Fill your encircles and life with little bits that remind you of what you know to be true, beautiful, and joyful. These neednt be grandiose or expensive, just simply concepts that reverberate with you. Here are some ideas to get you started.

Flowers from Traders Joes. Pinterest board filled with beauty. Follow an inspiring Instagram or Tumblr account. Make or find a mantra. Use Canva to build and print out invigorating paraphrases to embellish your room. Croak for a step and find the perfect stone to bring home. Find a brand-new favorite aroma and spread it around your mansion liberally. Buy new stationary. Treat yourself to a book from Etsy. Draw portrait or stimulating mentions with sidewalk chalk in your vicinity. Find a neighbourhood neighbourhood to make a coffee or tea mug. Alternately, find one that impresses your imagination at Society6. Create an altar or sacred cavity and crowd it with crystals, palo santo, and offerings. Spend day with children. Find reminders of your truism and joy.

These may seem to be insignificant things that are only on the surface, but I find the more I border myself with items that experience whimsical and magical in some small-scale acces, the more Im able to remind myself of how I want to feel in each time. They help me choose to feel glee and magical when I might otherwise choose grief.

6. Self-Care Saturday( Or any era. Or every day !)

We can be quite penalize to ourselves in times of conflict and stress, so take some time to really take care of yourself in some way.

Were all busy and charged with the responsibility, but if you dont take care of yourself first, the main responsibilities can begin to suffer as a result. Im more focused and productive when Ive taken care of my necessities first. I attend to my responsibilities in a bigger and better behavior when my goblet is full , not empty.

Theres a lot of area for reading here as to what self-care consider this to be for each person. While technically, all the suggestions in this article are a species of self-care, I miss “youve got to” block off some time specifically for self-care, mining deeper into what that means for you.

Maybe its taking a long, palatial shower and spending duration pampering yourself with tinctures for your skin that move you feel radiant. It might be spending a duo hours in live animals shelter fondling with puppies and kittens. Perhaps its planning a hot stone rub. Maybe its nourishing your form with vibrant healthy food youve cooked yourself. It might be taking a couple hours to read a book thats been sitting on your nightstand for months.

Tailor your self-care and rotate it into a weekly or even daily ritual.

7. Invest in Yourself

Im willing to bet everyone has something new theyd like to try if merely they had the time, coin, or excuse.

Here is your allow stumble to try that something new.

Did you want to pick up knitting, or perhaps learn to play the guitar? Maybe memorized some bayonet abilities to hoist your prepare? Rock climbing, sky diving, paint, memorizing another language, the possibilities are interminable. You can find a class on just about whatever it is you like online these days.

As progenies, we try brand-new occasions all the time. Its how we discover and change at an exceptional charge. But this slows down as we grow up and our visual field becomes smaller as we narrow down our athletic field. So expand your compass, invest in yourself in some way, and learn something new.

The cognitive requirements of memorizing something new are also welcome to serve as a great pattern of distraction when you need a distraction. Perhaps youll be brought to an end picking up a brand-new hobby, check off another carton on your pail listing, or have a good story to tell.

8. The F wordForgiveness

Ahh, a big creepy one! The topic of forgiveness can be a fiction in itself. Perhaps there is a requirement forgive the actions of your ex, or maybe forgive yourself for your own. Or a combination of both.

We dont always like to forgive people for actions we deem incorrect or unkind because it can feel like we are giving them a free pass. But Ive became aware that maintaining onto exasperation and resentment is always worse. Its a tremendous force suck and you cant find joyful as the same duration “you think youre” feeling justified in your fury. So, I select my own gaiety over my resentment.

Its a choice to make over and over again. Its not easy to forgive in one large-hearted sweeping action. It generally happens in increments. Its helpful to practice radical rapport, vividly dreaming how it feels to be the person who did you wrong. You know most people are essentially doing the best they can with the information they have at each minute. It becomes easier to suppose why they did what they did when you put yourself in their shoes. You begin to feel more empathy for them.

You recognize that the indignation youre accommodating acts no one. And you gradually begin to let it go, piece by piece.

Because forgiveness is not for them, its for YOU.

9. Afford what you wish to receive

I was walking around, detecting like no one loves me, which is totally and completely untrue, but when youre heartbroken, your subconsciou does all kinds of irrational thoughts. I received a pal of mine berth about writing a note of encouragement to a pal, and I wished to be that friend with every fiber of my being. I wanted to open up my mailbox and receive letters of cherish, a validation of the adoration that exists for me.

I expected myself what could I do to feel that adoration? I decided to Pay what I wished to RECEIVE. I started writing words of encouragement and love to pals and strangers alike. All I had to do was write what I wanted to hear, for myself. It was that easy.

This did two things for me.

One, the brain doesnt is the difference between handing, receiving, or even witnessing magnanimity. When you perform an act of kindness, the pleasure and rewards cores light up, releasing feel good chemicals as if you were the recipient, which some psychologists have dubbed the helpers high.

Two, it demo me that we live in a macrocosm of abundance. I dont is a requirement to accumulation away love and kindness to keep it. It actually thrives when I open it away. Its generative. And often, when you demonstrate adore and kindness away, others are inspired to mirror your enjoy and kindness back to you as well as fee it forward to others.

We cannot presume to understand the dominance of the extent of what a few kind words can do for someone and its ripple effect on the world. Win win triumph!

10. Investigate Your Own Patterns

This is by no means a complete list. Merely recommendations of the start of opportunities for your own healing. The biggest occasion you can do for yourself is to get curious, examine your own personal decorations in its own experience of sorrow, and doubt each one.

Hold each one up as they sound and question Does this suffice me?

If the answer is truly yes, keep it. If the answer is no, try something new or the opposite of that first inclination. Play with the brand-new reaction, see if that one provides you better, prepares you feel better both in the present and the long term.

And most important, be gentle with yourself. There are epoch to push your borders, to peruse, and to experiment. But i still have a meter for rest and a is necessary to give. Dedicate yourself the grace to know you are where you need to be when you need to be.

Know that you wont always feel like your centre has been rent out of your chest. Lessen the distance between a shattered heart and a mended middle by experimenting with these alternatives to your motifs. One day youll open your middle again and feel the rushing of falling in love. Youll look into attentions that truly see you and reflect your feeling back to you. And youll be ready for large-scale ardour because youve already done their efforts to heal your middle.

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[angerworn]

tag drop.

「 ooc 」 — ❛ hold on٬ cat aggro. ❜ 「 promo 」 — ❛ take a penny٬ have a penny. ❜ 「 memes 」 — ❛ they're gonna get it٬ all i have. ❜ 「 starter call 」 — ❛ i could care less than for your grandiosity. ❜ 「 crack 」 — ❛ counting bodies. ❜ 「 queue 」 — ❛ hollow heart is all i have today. ❜

「 about 」 — ❛ dressed in metal٬ dressed in rain. ❜ 「 meta 」 — ❛ no one can hurt me now. ❜

「 images 」 — ❛ she was divinity's creature that kissed in cold mirrors. ❜ 「 music 」 — ❛ convulse together٬ sing violently. ❜ 「 desires 」 — ❛ i thought i found what i always wanted there with me. ❜

「 answers 」 — ❛ feeling fine٬ just a little tongue tied. ❜ 「 speech 」 — ❛ love would have conquered hate٬ hate٬ hate. ❜

「 alex 」 — ❛ and i just want to have you back again. ❜ 「 eli 」 — ❛ i should have been yours٬ you should have been mine. ❜ 「 silas 」 — ❛ i will fly you to the moon and back if you'll be my baby. ❜ 「 santi 」 — ❛ could be anyone at all٬ but don't lead me along. ❜ 「 aleja 」 — ❛ my little moon and all the stars in the goddamn sky. ❜ 「 quantis 」 — ❛ you move forward٬ i move backward and together we make nothing at all ❜ 「 verse 」 — ❛ main٬ our temple & your tomb. ❜ 「 verse 」 — ❛ main v2٬ the wrath of saint anger. ❜ 「 verse 」 — ❛ a game of thrones٬ i am nothing. no one. ❜ 「 verse 」 — ❛ inception٬ sweet dreams are made of this. ❜