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#'nothing bads gonna now happen right?'
dollfat · 4 months
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i love karlach sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much❤🖤❤🖤❤🖤❤🖤❤🖤❤🖤❤🖤❤🖤
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rosicheeks · 29 days
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bunnihearted · 2 months
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#no but i actually hate that i made this blog to vent freely bc i have no other place to talk abt anything or my feelings or thoughts#and im a very isolated person and a shut in and i dont have a job or go to school successfully and i dont know anyone#like blah blah. i have struggled and im drowning in them all. like why the fuck cant ppl just comprehend that we all have different views o#life and the world? like 'wallowing' is .. i have heavy anxiety which is completely untreated and it gives me real bad suicidal ideation#if me complaining on a blog that im btw not forcing anyone to read helps me to stay alive and get my pain out... why does that matter to#other ppl?????? like why does other ppl get so mad seeing someone they dont know vent??#also this goes for everyone but u can literally have no idea abt all of a person's life#esp on here where all u see is like my text posts where i vent abt how i FEEL. bc i want to. ??? i want to do that so i do#u dont know the context u dont know my experiences or what has happened in my life or context#u dont know what has transpired between me and other ppl i vent abt#like u know fuck all. u dont have the right to pass judgement onto a stranger that doesnt even know u exist#and even if i complain on here bc i dont have a real life but i want to#u have no idea what im doing with the rest of my time???? im making lists im trying to look up info abt school and programs#im trying to read abt my mental health issues and im doing mindfulness and im going to the gym#i am trying!!! and u dont have any idea what i do or how i try and u dont have any right to judge me bc all u see is one part that is me#complaining bc this is what i use this blog for. genuinely i do not get why this is even a big deal or why anyone would follow or read smth#makes them irritated???????#idk.. i dont wanna disable anons and stuff (bc funnily enough no one ever says this stuff with their url 🤨) bc i dont wanna miss out on the#stuff but it is infuriating that i have nowhere to go no friends no therapist etc etc to talk#and this is all i have bc i want to vent !!!!!!! and then i have to be like ok now other ppl i dont even know#and who dont actually give a fuck abt me are gonna judge me and tell me im living incorrectly#and ive never gotten more such things than now? why do y'all hate that i vent abt losing out on my 1st love#and feeling heartbroken?????? what the fuck? that has nothing to do with anyone else but me? like genuinely wtf#i just wanna vent bc i feel like im drowning but now i feel like i cant bc ppl just judge and like ugh
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vaguely-annoyed · 4 months
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well well well, if it isn't the feelings i said weren't that deep
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cherry-bomb-ships · 5 months
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Guys don't let the media lie to you I'm not obsessed with this monkey I'm not I'm nOT FAKE NEWS!!!!! ITS ALL A GODDAMN LIE!!!!!!!!
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quill-n · 5 months
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I think truly the worst pain as a creative is not being able to share your work
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baby-prophet · 2 years
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so like now what.... where does pinocchio get his power from now that reality is shattered and is on stepmothers shit list like..
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blujayonthewing · 2 days
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so in juniper's campaign we've just found ourselves in a high-stakes situation that I as a player do frankly find stressful and am anxious about, but hey hi also the DM was like 'okay here are the exact mechanics of how this is going to work because I don't want to surprise you with serious repercussions, also here are all the options you will have to try to do something about the situation-- [affected player] what do you think? honest feedback, I don't want it to feel unfair, I want to be clear that I am not just trying to kill your character, and if it ends up being badly balanced we can revisit it down the road' and oh my god I could COLLAPSE and WEEP with gratitude
#[tears in my fucking eyes] WHAT IF DND WAS GOOD!! WHAT IF A DM THAT'S GOOD!!!#LIKE I've said actually MOST of my DMs are good but because of the way this situation was presented specifically#where-- as NOT the affected player-- it does feel like the way it came up was a little unfair and I AM worried about the stakes--#I REALLY SPENT SO MUCH OF THAT ABOVE-TABLE TALK GOING OH WOW I FEEL LIKE OUR FRIEND ACTUALLY LOVES US AND WANTS THIS TO BE FUN!!#I DON'T KNOW THAT I AGREE WITH WHAT HE'S DOING HERE BUT I TRUST MY FRIEND AND IT'S SAFE FOR US TO TALK ABOUT THINGS LIKE THIS PLAYER TO DM!!#WOWIE THAT FEELS RELEVANT TO MY DND EXPERIENCE RIGHT NOW LMAO!!!#'I've looked at your stats and inventories to try to make this serious but balanced but if it doesn't work we can retool it'#'I want to be extremely clear that this situation could kill destal so I want to be extremely sure that you're comfortable with that--#-- and with how the mechanics are designed around it'#I am fucking. on my KNEES WEEPING. at the contrast with how punishing and DEEPLY unfun felix campaign has relentlessly been the whole time#and how little of a fuck it feels like THAT DM gives when he's like 'this random rolltable encounter was deadly :)'#'you guys didn't get hit last time and got all your spells back right?' uhhh wrong and wrong and we TALKED about that last time#are you gonna revisit the balance on your fifth in a row 'if you fail you'll TPK' scenario? no? yeah I figured lol#christ knows HE'S never invited feedback on his DMing. you KNOW I don't feel safe to say 'hey this doesn't feel fair or fun' with him#AND LIKE!! WITH A DM I TRUST I FEEL SAFE ENOUGH TO REALLY PLAY WITH SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENING!! YAY YIPPEE STAKES AND PATHOS!!!#I don't just want nothing bad to happen ever! but I don't want it to feel careless or heartless or just... Not Fun#anyway. grasping william's hands so tightly. my beloved friend. my wonderful friend. what a relief to have a DM that's good#after the shit we've been through in our now most-frequently-run campaign#the thing I'm mad about is that destal has been making a mystery saving throw every night-- but this was imperceptible to the characters#so we weren't acting on it#and now that he's failed it three times the situation is 'okay NOW you will be maming a con save every night and accumulating exhaustion'#'which can't be removed by sleeping' [six levels of exhaustion Kill You]#so like!! well okay I wish we had had ANY way of knowing how urgent this was before we got to 'now there's a deadly countdown' BUT OKAY#but like I said. he clearly put a lot of thought into the math for the mechanics#he made sure that we DO actually have ANYTHING we can do to mitigate the condition and outlined several options specifically and clearly#he checked in with justin about whether that seemed fair and opened it for future retooling if necessary#so I'm just at 'that was kind of a rugpull dude :/' instead of DESPAIRING lmao#this is a level of Oh Shit that's juicy! this is a level of Oh Shit that might force dramatic character choices out of desperation!#THIS IS AN OH SHIT WHERE WE STILL GET TO PLAY DND ABOUT IT AND HAVE ANY AGENCY WHATSOEVER. WHAT A CONCEPT.#ANYWAY!!! GOOD DND SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!
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sherlock-is-ace · 2 days
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#idk if it's because i've given autism a very in depth look now or if i just always been like this and never really thought about it#but i'm finding it harder and harder to match my feelings to what i guess i'm supposed to feel?#like when something sad happens and i have no reaction to it#it's not that i'm not sad or that i'm glad it's happening but i just have no feelings?#which in turn bring put feelings of guilt because i'm not sad or worried enough...#it's such a weird experience and i'm of course not saying that autistic people have no feelings#that's so not what i'm saying#but it is a trait of autism to have difficulty pinpointing what you feel and also difficulty expressing it in ways other people usually doit#so perhaps it is because i've learned about that that I'm accepting that maybe i just don't feel things ''the normal way''#but i'm having a weird one tonight because my mom had to leave because of an emergency with my grandma#and it's 1am right now#and i am worried. of course i am. I don't want my grandma to suffer (although i have accepted she's not gonna live much longer)#but i still don't want her to die obviously#and most importantly I don't want my mom to have to go through that... to see her mother die? that's horrible#i'm obviously sad and worried#yet i'm sitting here drinking coffee and laughing at funny videos like nothing's happening#and i feel fine... like as if my mom was just sleeping at home like every night and not at a hospital visiting her dying mother...#and i know that years back i would have gone ''what the fuck is wrong with me?!'' and perhaps maybe forced myself to feel worse#or to cry or whatever because I can't be chill when something bad is happening...#and maybe i'll feel that way when my mom is back because I can't be calm and happy is she's sad#that would be rubbing it in her face#so maybe i'll feel more guilty then?#idk it's a weird feeling that i wanted to put into words#mostly for when it happens again i'll have a record of it somewhere#idk#angel talks#personal
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exopelagic · 3 months
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this election feels so hollow even though it’s likely ostensibly gonna be a good outcome. labour really just sucks fucking ass rn huh
#if the tories lose bad enough to make lib dems the opposition though… a guy can hope#I think it’s the fact that this is the first general election I can vote in that’s making me lose my mind a little here#I have done basically nothing but read today. I DO know a whole bunch more abt voting systems and the nightmare the tories have been now tho#I’m just kinda like. okay so what happens next? bc labour WILL do some decent shit but they also. fucking suck.#planning to look into the local green party once I’m back at uni bc I could actually do stuff there#I think I’m just dealing with a little bit of whiplash going from doing a biology degree where Everything is about climate change#like unambiguously it gets brought up in every topic (I DO focus on ecology and agricultural stuff and not like genetics but still)#clear consensus from literally everyone you talk to that shit has to happen right the fuck now.#it’s not even like I’m unaware of the state of policy rn I KNOW it’s a nightmare to do anything but we at least TALK about it#and then this election where it’s barely a footnote. biggest thing is the sewage dumping everyone’s talking about and yeah fucking finally#but is that all you’ve got?? the labour manifesto is bleak. it has a section and the stuff they’re proposing isn’t bad but it’s so little#and yeah no they’ve changed the official line on the manifesto to ‘make Britain a clean energy superpower’#I SWEAR it was different a few days ago#maybe I’m being pessimistic bc their plans for clean energy if they actually do them could be huge especially if they manage it by 2030.#it’s just that I know what the targets are and they’re already pulling back on shit like EVs bc of the shift right and I am So Tired#two party politics is a curse. as much as reform is an actual nightmare them getting a decent vote share might actually be the thing that#gets people talking abt proportional representation again bc they are nothing if not good at being loud#did you know we had a fucking referendum in 2011 bc what the fuck. and it went SO BADLY even though people generally supported it#god idk I think I’m once again being naively optimistic about people and election coverage has been very good at knocking me down a bit#people generally are good. I have to believe this. but man the british public is making that really fucking hard#genuinely I think a good chunk of that is down to first past the post driving politics to be divisive and aggressive#like is it the only problem? fuck no. but it’s definitely poisoning the way this shit goes bc when all the parties do is jab at each other#what are we actually doing here#idk I’m gonna stop now but this is taking up a ridiculous amount of bandwidth rn I can’t wait for it to be over#already dreading what the next election could look like in 4 years if starmer continues to suck ass bc I don’t trust him to not like at all#luke.txt#I said i was done but I just looked at the lib dem manifesto and oh my god it’s actually pretty good on this? holy fucking shit
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ronkeyroo · 1 year
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How do you call it when you want to sigh deeply but in a pleasant way but also scream and slam the wall at the same time but also you generally feel good but like STUFF STILL BUGS YOU and there are alot of intrusive memories and bad people you want to literally turn into paste but also you already came to terms that they’re nobodies and my life looks so much better now without their garbage presence and i’ve been super productive too??? finishing two wonderful sculptures and commission work and had a gorgeous meal with my wonderful partner AND THE DAY WAS WONDERFUL BUT IT STILL FEELS BITTERSWEET AND I STILL WANT TO AHGHFGGGHHHHHH
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sleevebuscemii · 7 months
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tmi
#a friend is coming back from a solo kayaking trip in patagonia today and i feel like such a shitty person for this but i just.#really dont feel like im in the mental space to hear about it.#and partly its because where im at mentally and personally right now just makes it hard for me to be happy for others#or at least for it to not open up doors that bog me down badly and thats on Me like thats totally my own shit#and even if i know hearing about their trip will be hard its an asshole move to approach them with#‘im not in the mental space to hear you share something you’re really excited about with me’#on the other hand.#i know the real reason its gonna suck so bad is that with This particular friend this trip just gonna be another thing they did first.#and in a perfect world it shouldn’t matter who the fuck did the thing first but in this relationship and in this dynamic it always has#and so i Know that yeah im mentally in a place where taking in other people’s good news is hard#but also im just dreading having to hear every detail of how this trip is something i will never measure up to#every detail of things i would have to do bigger and better for it to matter and like. idk i fucking hate thinking about this#because it always makes me feel so small and bitter and they’re such ugly feelings#but also i know this dynamic isn’t like this because of me but i also know nothing i’ve ever done to try to change it has worked#and it’s like. i just have so much anxiety around this conversation that hasn’t even happened yet#and it’s because i know it’s gonna open up all this shit with it#m
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hqmillioncorn · 6 months
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With love,
I didnt think babycorn would notice   I've been trying to avoid her. She  found me while she was out playing with cherrypit  Then she told me if there was anything she could do to help  She was willing to do anything  anything  she put her hand on mine  and smiled at me   I really dont know what to do  (Excerpt from Butter Veil's personal Diary)
Lalapril 4/7: Myth with @windupnamazu's Butter and Pancake
woah starsingers are so cool if only everyone could have a starsinger that would be cool dont you think?
Babycorn kicked her feet back and forth. Today was pretty hot and there was a fleeting thought in her head of jumping into a fountain in Radz-at-Han and splashing around in it.
But last time she did that a bunch of people stopped to stare at her, it was a little scary. For now sitting in the shade was good enough for her.
Especially if she could sit in the shade with one of her bestie best friends!!
Babycorn looked over to where Cherrypit was playing restaurant with Pancake. Something about Pancake being a professional food inspector visiting Cherrypit’s restaurant. It sounded like it was going well for him so far.
“Another masterful dish from Chef Cherrypit Pit!” Pancake cheered, waving her fork in the air. It looked like she was having a really good time. The fact that Cherrypit was cooking actual desserts for her probably didn’t hurt either.
“Yay! Yaay!” Cherrypit bounced up and down. Every time he did he would take a few seconds to adjust his overly-sized chef hat on his head to make sure it didn’t fall off. “Okay! Next is pancakes! For Pancake!”
“Wahoo!! I love pancakes!!”
Babycorn also loved pancakes but she didn’t want to interrupt her brother and Pancake’s fun. Usually it would be much harder for her to resist such a sweet temptation but she was finding it just a little easier because of something else on her mind.
Babycorn wasn’t sitting on the sidelines alone.
Butter was sitting right beside her, but unlike her he was staring down at the ground. He hadn’t said much since he and Pancake got here. Not that Babycorn hadn’t been trying to talk to him. Most of her questions had been met with silence.
Could this be what had been taught to her as a ‘best to leave them alone moment?’
No, no that couldn’t be it! If it was up to her she would never want to be alone! Being alone and by yourself was the worst!
There must have been something Butter wanted to talk about. “It’s really hot today huh?!” Babycorn practically shouted. Though what she was doing couldn’t quite be described as shouting. Because of her current condition she was only really speaking into Butter’s head directly.
“Yeah. It’s pretty warm…” Butter sounded a little uninterested.
“Y-Yeah…!” There was a strange feeling in Babycorn’s small little heart. Something about how Butter was acting was making her feel worried. Was he okay? Was there something wrong?
Babycorn hadn’t been here for the past week, on account of visiting her grandma in Gridania, so had she missed something? The only thing she could think of was what Pancake had told her when she got back. It was something about how her and Butter’s parents were visiting Radz-at-Han too.
Now that she thought about it, Butter hadn’t even welcomed her back at all!
That was weird! No it wasn’t! Yes it was! Was it?! Why was she worried about that!?
Because he was a bestest best friend! Of course! Of course! That was it!
Babycorn wondered for a bit about what else could have Butter feeling so sad. Until she just figured that there was nothing she could come up with. Thinking wasn’t her strong suit, she pretty much knew this.
Everyone else was much smarter than her but she couldn’t just walk up to one of her friends and ask about this, that would be embarrassing.
…Huh. Weird. She normally would be fine with doing that.
Before she could think of anything else, Babycorn found herself just speaking without a second thought. “Hey Butts?” She brought her legs up and hugged them close to her. “Are you okay? You’ve been kinda acting weird all morning.”
“H-Huh…?!” Butter looked caught off guard, his mouth was wide open and Babycorn noticed that his eyes looked kind of tired.
Babycorn suddenly grabbed his face and brought it closer to her to get a good look at it. “MmMph! HmpgmH??” Butter tried to say ‘What are you doing???’ but he couldn’t quite get it to sound like that.
“You don’t look sick. So that’s not it!” Not like she would be able to tell. Babycorn let go of Butter and smiled at him without a care in the world. “So it must be something else! Have you been eating all your vegetables? And also breakfast too?” It was the most important meal of the day after all.
Butter rubbed at his face, “I…No I-”
“You haven’t?!”
“No I have! Babycorn its…” Butter didn’t even know where to start. Would it be at the part where his mom was actually from another world or the part where the one person she needed to go home was the secret that Babycorn trusted him with? He was ashamed that he even had his initial reaction of telling his mother that he knew the Starsinger she was looking for.
“It’s nothing!” Butter smiled, “I’m just thinking-”
“-something silly?”
“Uh…Yeah. I guess something like that.” Butter tried to laugh, hoping to ease Babycorn’s worries.
Instead he saw Babycorn look the most worried she had in months. “I see.” That was all she said.
Butter tensed up. The sound of the nearby fountain was almost deafening. Had he somehow given it all away? He knew Babycorn could speak into his head but could she read thoughts too?
Cherrypit was able to do that, what was stopping Babycorn from doing it too?
It felt like everything was slowly closing in.
What was stopping his parents from appearing at this very second. They would walk in and his mom would find out that he lied through his teeth. He lied to her and had stopped her from going home. Then they would take Babycorn away and then who knows what would happen.
The worst of the worst case scenarios ran through his mind.
He would lose his parents, his family, his friends.
Babycorn.
There was no way out of this. He was trapped. Trapped. Trapped. Trapped. Trapped.
“Hey!!”
Butter opened his eyes. When he opened them he saw Babycorn looking right at him. It was funny but he hadn’t even realized he had closed his eyes.
Okay, maybe it wasn’t that funny.
He noticed that someone was patting the top of his head. When he realized that it was Babycorn, a light blush crossed his face. “Butts. It’s okay. It’s okay.” He had seen her do this before. This was how Babycorn usually calmed down Cherrypit when he was upset, she even did this to Airy sometimes.
He sighed, so much for not letting Babycorn know anything.
When Babycorn decided that Butter looked calmed down enough she put her hand down. “I don’t really know what’s going on but I hope that whatever it is gets better.” She scratched at her scar and looked away from him. Truthfully she hadn’t expected herself to react that way either.
“I hope so too…” Butter wiped at his eyes. They stung slightly.
The pair sat in silence for a while, with only the sounds of their siblings distant bantering and the fountain to fill in the awkward silence.
Suddenly Butter felt something brush up against his hand.
When he looked down he saw that Babycorn had placed her hand on top of his.
“Butts…If there’s anything I can do to help with anything. You can count on me. Okay?” She held out a gold necklace with a green jewel in the middle. Just looking at it gave Babycorn a stomach ache. “I didn’t want to be a Starsinger. I really didn’t want to…” Her years of denying the fact had caught up to her when she least expected it, “Chelinka, uh, I mean I kept telling myself everything I could do once I accepted it but all of it sounded really scary. To be able to do, I mean. Bending reality. Changing people’s fates. It doesn't sound normal.”
Butter tried to hide the fact that learning none of this was new to him. His mother had gone on and on about the miracles a Starsinger was capable of doing.
“I didn’t want to lose myself. I didn’t want to be someone I’m not. But…”
Babycorn moved her hand under Butter’s, wrapping her fingers around his. “I don’t want to have become a Starsinger for nothing. I want to use my powers to help everyone I can! To help my friends with whatever they need!” She smiled at him, her eyes sparkled in the sun. It was almost blinding. “I know it’s really hard to do things by yourself…So let me help if I can!
Her hand was cold but it was the warmest Butter had felt in days.
“Okay. I will.”
Babycorn grinned and nodded, “Anything at all! You name it and I’ll be on my way! Promise!”
Butter silently nodded alongside her.
As the two of them turned back to watch their siblings neither even took notice that their hands never separated. Even when Cherrypit called Babycorn over for her to look at something, both Butter and Babycorn walked over, hand in hand.
At the same time, just beyond the fountain, a familiar Viera woman watched the scene in front of her with a smile on her face.
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kohakhearts · 10 months
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well folks its been a good two months of denial but i am finally ready to admit that the reason everything sucks is because of major depression relapse. if i werent so depressed id make this everyone elses problem by projecting it on to blorbo but alas
#taylor.txt#incapable of making this not a joke but i do have to say it kinda sucks#like obviously ive never been 100% free of my depression probably on account of it developing when i was a Child and then not getting any#treatment or even really any sympathy for until i was in my late teens but. BUT. even my historic mental breakdown 2 years ago didnt really#feel like depression. like yeah i was sad and hopeless but this is very different. sad and lethargic more so. simply too tired to be lost i#despair. which is i guess a good thing because it means its easier for me to fix. its just that right now im kinda stuck in it#i dont know if id say ive experienced major depression since my first year of uni#thats why ive been denying it all this time despite it being pretty…glaringly obvious#anyway. good news is im meeting with the prof of one of the classes im currently failing this week#and now i guess i kind of have an idea of what to tell her because all this time ive been struggling and i havent understood why#the content makes sense. i understand whats going on. but my memory has gotten so bad recently and the energy required to do my assignments#has been way too much. and im past my limit on that at this point unfortunately. like yeah shes probably gonna tell me well that sucks but#theres nothing i can do to save your grade and thats fine but at least i know even if it was a Me Problem that i let myself get depressed#again in the first place being actively depressed is a major barrier that i at least know isnt 100% me being an idiot with a bad attitude#i will struggle to the finish line but i will make it there. even if i fail a class or two in the process#and regardless of if it gets better i will finally go see my therapist again in the new year </3 something obviously led to this so whos to#say it wouldnt happen again if i just let that fester. whatever it is#also writing has been tough for the same reason school has been tough but its still happening and i will do more of it when school is over#i PROMMY
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mooodyblue · 1 year
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life really continues to test me over and over again yall. like. [interally screaming]
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pepprs · 1 year
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it’s actually fucking stupid that journaling actually makes me worse now. like what the hell else am i supposed to do
#purrs#writing (or reading my writing) about bad things that have happened and trying to make sense of them and see how much distance ive gotten#from them now only makes me feel miserable because i was suffering horrors and was literally right about everything and also nothing has#changed or the same patterns are showing up or whatever. idk. it’s fucking annoying bc i only have myself now and i can’t even be there for#myself in the way iknow i need someone to be there for me. relatedly when im experiencing horrors beyond belief i just want to take whoever#im mad at into a giant field and scream at them where no bystander can hear us or intervene or get their feelings hurt. i want freedom and i#want energetic reciprocity. i want to express myself and be met with equal expression. the most helpful thing people can do when im#spiralling is to methodically destroy the spiral and not give up after just one chunk. stay there and don’t leave. like why is it so fucking#hard to… idk. that’s neither here nor there im getting in the weeds. my mental health was doing better for a few days bc i was pretending#none of the horrors happened but i tried to reflect on them tonight and now it’s 1:33 and im spiralling and i have to get thru the rest of t#week and probably be alone and i only have myself now.a nd i always only did i guess. so whatever. i don’t want to be miserable and surly at#work tomorrow but i probably will be and i don’t want to say it’s gonna be a bad day before it’s even started but it probably will be. augh.#delete later
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