#'of course nate would love me and he does and i am worthy of him and the love and life i want'

[lilsnatch]

bleeeeh why do i feel nothing lately

i just feel preliminarily sad and disappointed and bored and agitated by everything. i just feel empty. like there's an entire population of bees swarming in my entire brain and body.

i want to push it all away but when i bring it closer it feels worse. everything i do feels not good enough even though i logically know i'm doing well and should be proud of my work. even uncharted just makes me feel sad and guilty and anxious.

what is happening yall. please tell me this hopeless disappointed disassociation is just a phase and not what just being an adult is.

[writingsfromhome]

A June Love Story (Pt 2)

Part 1 / Part 2 / Epilogue

June. Three years ago.

Harry: The outdoor garden is alight with laughter and happy greetings as everyone comes together for Jack and Jess’s baby shower. I try to find a familiar face as I walk through the gates, but I only recognise Jack’s family. My eyes continue scanning anyway, barely admitting to myself I was looking for one face in particular.

A small gasp from beside me lets me know my girlfriend had returned with our name tags. Leave it to Jack to have nametags at a baby shower to help everyone mingle. “This is lovely isn’t it?”

I look down at Alyssa, my girlfriend of seven months-the longest I’d kept a girlfriend in a while. Jack’s Jess actually made the introduction, she was her maid of honour at their wedding. And as cliche as it was, the maid of honour did indeed end the night in the best man’s bed.

Alyssa scrunchles her nose and loops her arm through mine, “let’s go find the parents-to-be!”

“Yeah okay,” I laugh. Alyssa was always a bubbly personality, never a mean word out of her. It was refreshing but the complete opposite of how I could get. I always had to watch what I said, she was too soft for harsh words.

“I heard there’s a secret baby wager going around,” Alyssa tells me as we make our way to the deck. “Don’t tell Jess though, I’m pretty sure it was Jack who started it.”

“Oh it was definitely Jack who started it,” I chuckle. “You can get him to bet on anything.”

“So?” Alyssa peers at me. “What did you wager?”

“Why did you think I wagered?” I laugh but Alyssa only raises her eyebrow; I give in. “A boy.”

Alyssa rolls her eyes but we stop the conversation as Jess nears, “There you are!” She hugs the both of us and the girls begin gushing over how big her bump had gotten. As much as I would love to have kids of my own someday, it wasn’t today. I zone out and look around the small garden, I almost don’t catch her.

Y/N, in the flesh. The last time I saw her was Jack’s wedding, she’d been a little cold. I didn’t blame her. After she broke down in front of me at her housewarming, I guessed she was embarassed again. But she stayed away the whole weekend, avoiding me until I cornered her on the dance floor on wedding day.

She’d confessed, she was avoiding me. And she also admitted she was confused anytime she saw me, it complicated her feelings, her relationship with Nate which she was sorting out. She didn’t want to put more strain on it. I told her to break up with him. She got upset and said I would never understand, things were complicated. She left. I decided Y/N was never going to leave Nate, I was putting my love life on hold for her but “we” were never going to happen. So I went to bed with the maid of honour.

When I realised a few weeks ago I was seeing her again, I couldn’t stop thinking about her again: all my old feelings resurfaced. And here I was trying to find her face in the crowd even though I was here with Alyssa. But there was a draw to Y/N I couldn’t deny. It was unhealthy.

She’s talking to Jack, I realise. And her hair was short. Really short. And dyed. She has on a white tee tucked into loose green trousers. There was no Nate in sight. I had to talk to her before he showed up and ruined things as he did.

“Look at Harry eyeing Jack,” Jess’ voice snaps me out of it. I didn’t realise how hard I was staring. “You can be excused from this boring conversation Harry! Go talk to him!”

Alyssa giggles and pecks my cheek before leaving with Jess. I push aside the guilt of what I was really looking at, I do what they say. My heart pounds the closer I get to her.

“The godfather to my unborn child,” Jack spots me first and rushes me. I grapple with his body and hug him.

“I will ruin your child if you make me the godfather,” I swear. “I don’t know the first thing about kids. I’m not worthy.”

“Nah I’ve seen you with your wittle fans,” Jack mocks and looks over at Y/N to include her. “He’s this big softie inside.”

“Y/N,” I acknowledge her, anticipating a cold nod. But surprisingly, her face breaks into a genuine smile and it takes my bloody breath away.

“Harry,” she moves to give me a hug. She’s warm from the sun and smells like lavender. I could stay there longer but we break apart.

“Look at the two of you,” Jack comments as we break. “No fighting, no rudeness. Almost like we’re all adults.”

“I can speak for myself, but I don’t know if we can call Harry that quite yet,” Y/N teases.

“There it is, I should’ve known it was coming.” Jack swings his arm and we all laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Alyssa comes up from behind and she joins the group. With the way Y/N watches her arm wrap around my waist, I realise she didn’t know. She didn’t know. And her face falls now that she does.

“These two finally getting along,” Jack says when nobody talks.

“I don’t think we’ve formally met,” Y/N sticks out her hand. “You’re Jess’ bridesmaid right?”

“Maid of honour,” Alyssa corrects and I watch my worlds collide as they shake hands. “But most people call me Alyssa.”

That earns a laugh but as the group eases into small talk, I avoid looking at Y/N. I didn’t know what I expected today, but the reality of it makes me realise I was in some deep shite.

Y/N: The one time I’m finally single, Harry’s not. It’s my bloody luck! I’m single after years and the one guy I thought I might reconnect with, is taken. The worst part, by a kind and gorgeous woman.

The last time I saw Harry was at Jack’s wedding. I was still with Nate then, we were on the cusp of another breakup. But it felt different that time. Seeing Jack marry the woman he was so clearly in love with, the same woman who’d broken his heart after their split...it made me realise things. Nate and I broke up again and again and every time we got back together, we were just more broken than before. We were papier maché of broken bits acting like a perfect whole-Jack and Jess broke up once, and soon as they got back together, Jack had proposed and she’d said yes. And I was still in the same shitty relationship from my early twenties. I couldn’t even imagine Nate proposing. It was pathetic how I fooled myself into thinking we were worth something together.

What was more pathetic was it took another month to officially break up with Nate. Convince him it was for good, forever. It took a week for him to move on to a girl he met at a club. And another four months of living in the empty house he’d moved out of because it was my name on the lease. As soon as the year was over, I’d found the first decent flat and that marked the end of a shitty almost decade of my life.

And today, it seemed my shitty decade persisted. It was clear I was fated to be alone and miserable.

“So where’s Nate?” Harry asks me and that gets a string of swear words out of Jack. Alyssa looks on confused.

“We broke up,” I say simply, carefully watching Harry’s barelt hide the shock and something that almost looks like regret. I wondered what was going on in his head, and immediately feel like a bad person. He was in a happy relationship, I shouldn’t interfere.

“Thank fuck,” Jack says just as Jess walks up. He winces and covers her stomach.

“You know you’re not covering the baby’s ears, right?” Jess says to Jack.

“I am-I’m a doctor honey, I would know.” Jack says and kisses Jess. My heart twinges, I can’t help it. I missed the feeling of being so in love.

“So as a doctor can you figure out why Alyssa is so afraid of children,” Harry asks, the conversation fast moving away from my breakup thankfully. But moving towards Alyssa and Harry having a baby and the thought makes my stomach drop.

“I just don’t want to bring another human into this world!” Alyssa defends herself, it sounded like it was an argument they’d had before. “I’ll gladly be the godmother though. I just don’t want any of my own.”

“Isn’t it nice the godmother and father of our children made it easy for us, they’re already a couple.” Jack comments.

“Thanks to my matchmaking skills,” Jess says. So that’s how it happened, I think.

***

My cramps kick in later in the day and I scramble to find a painkiller. The intensity makes me sit out of the games, so I settle down on a picnic blanket near a garden patch, happily watching the competition between Jack and Jess’ friends. Three girls and guys stand as their groups try to make diapers out of TP before they tag the next person to change a doll’s diaper. A baby-themed obstacle course, which was probably Jess-inspired. I smile at the thought.

Lost in thought, I pick up a few of the fallen flowers just as a pair of sneakers come into view and breaks me away from my thoughts.

“Can I join you?” Harry’s low voice asks.

“Sure,” I brush aside my mixed feelings and shift to make room. He sits down, leaning back to watch the games. One of the girls being dressed was Alyssa. Her back is mostly to us but he watches her fondly.

“It’s been a while,” Harry finally says, looking over at me.

“Yeah,” I twirl a flower in my fingers, a couple petals fall off. “Feels like a lifetime ago though since we last saw each other. Congrats, by the way, on your awards.”

I’d watched every second of that awards show, attentive to every moment Harry was on screen. I’d gone to text him later that night and realise I never even had his number.

“Thanks,” Harry skims past the accolades humbly. “Seems like a lot has changed between now and then.”

“I know,” I try not to sound bitter. “I finally broke up with Nate, you got together with Alyssa-who is lovely by the way. Let’s see...you won an amazing award-your career’s really taking off, I moved into a flat in central and got a promotion and...am I missing anything else?”

“You changed your hair,” Harry says like duh.

I laugh and point to his buzzcut, “Yeah. I did, so did you.”

It was a rash decision on my part. When I moved into the new flat, I wanted to be done with every part of my old life. So I’d done something drastic. Remembering it dredges up unwanted feelings: loneliness, anger, insecurities, and unhappiness. I go quiet as Harry laughs at something that happens with the obstacle course. It takes me back to when we first met, how I wanted to hear that laugh for the rest of my life. And that wasn’t something I could have anymore.

“Earth to Y/N,” Harry says gently. I’m too lost in thought to look up but he calls my name again, his fingers lifting my chin up so I’m looking at him. He’d shifted closer to call my name, leaning on his hand that’s splayed right beside me, the tips of his fingers a breath away from my thighs. The pain of being so close to him yet not being with him is palpable.

With his fingers still on my chin, my eyes meet his and I realise I’d never seen them this close up with the sunlight leaving no shadows in sight. They ask me a question I don’t know how to answer, they ask if I was okay. But I really didn’t know anymore.

I put on a smile for his sake, so he wouldn’t ask out loud, and push the flower I was playing with behind his ear. He looks cute, and my smile widens as I drop my hand down to lay beside his. His smile stays in place, his pinky reaching out to touch me while his eyes still watch me, asking the same question. My smile drops away and I look down again to our hands so close together. I couldn’t let him see me cry like he did once. I was stronger than I was then-I couldn’t cry.

“Harry there you are! Do you like it?” We both look up as Alyssa comes running up to show off her TP diaper and sash. Harry leans away and I immediately miss the feeling of him being so close. God, what was wrong with me.

“Wow what a look,” Harry stands up and walks towards her. She grins, so clearly in love with him. Like his eyes were only for her-and they probably were. I think I pushed Harry away one time too many. Our chance was gone. Yet to think all he had to say was “yes” four years ago, we could have had our chance all this time.

June. Two Years Ago.

The crowd was huge and I grab Jack’s arm to avoid getting lost. The sun was relentless, shining down her rays until I was sticky and sunburnt.

“Can you believe this?” Jack shouts to me. I mouth an I know as we grin at each other. It was the first festival we’d been to in years, the feeling of hot bodies packed together in the sun was not as fun in your late twenties than your early twenties. The only reason we were here was because Harry was playing and we were stoked, ready to scream with the crowd as he performed. I told him I would wear the neon cowboy hat so he could find us in the crowd.

“Our boy’s a bloody rockstar!” A giddy laugh bubbles up as we make our way into the crowd to find Jess and Alyssa.

It had been a year since I found out about Alyssa and Harry, I was crushed about it. But Harry really was incredibly happy with her, and the more time I spent with her the more I liked her and got over my petty feelings. Jack usually invited me to be their fifth wheel on double-dates or would set me up with a friend of his and Jess’. None of the setups were as good as Harry but a couple did last a few months. I was feeling better than I had in a long time though, and finding my freedom in being single. And Harry and I were actually friends, often texting each other stupid memes and videos.

“There they are!” Jack points to two girls. I slow down as Jack rushes to surprise Jess from behind. I slowly approach and Jess pulls me into her famous hugs.

“It’s so he can spot us,” I say when Jess asks about my choice of hat. “Speaking of the devil...” I look to the front just as Harry walks onstage and the crowd around us becomes one large megaphone.

And the experience is pure magic. Harry becomes otherwordly on stage as he performs the songs I knew every word to and we all shout the lyrics back to him. During his slower songs, the crowd quiets down and my heart bursts realising just how much I loved the man onstage. How loved he was by the enormous crowd.

“I’m so telling Harry he made you cry,” Jack says in my ear and I startle; I didn’t realise I was crying.

“I’ll kill you-“ I say as Jack already snaps a picture. I stick up my finger for the second and he takes a selfie with me for the third. I roll my eyes as Harry introduces his last song.

“It’s not on my album, or any platforms. I think it’s my first time performing it...”

I assume it was a song about Alyssa, he’d already sang two about her. I glance at her to see her reaction but her head is bent over a phone. Curiosity gets the better of me-who would she be texting while Harry was performing?

I could barely make out the name but it’s definitely not Harry’s; I can only see hearts. The texts themselves...I quickly bounce back on my heels and look away just as Alyssa looks back at me. I pretend to be interested in Harry, only glancing at her because she was looking at me. She smiles but she looks guilty and my heart thuds, louder than the crowd, ready to fall out of my chest as I fall back into his fans. I try to push away the ugly truth of it.

“So the working title is Speechless, but don’t hold me to it.” Harry says and I swear he’s looking right at me. My heart takes another beating as the name clicks, I didn’t know how much more my heart could take as it flutters along with the opening notes and into the chorus

Mouth open, shut, she’s speechless. Heart open, shut, I’m speechless.

I listen to his lyrics. They’re about me. About a strong woman who he left speechless, that being the only power he had over her. Because I might love her but she didn’t love me, she gave herself to another and left me lonely.

Harry was with Alyssa, I remind myself. Alyssa might be...cheating on Harry? But they were still together. Harry and Alyssa. Together.

So why was he performing this, in front of me?

***

“You sure you don’t want anything?” Jess asks me, as they order food from a stand. I couldn’t think about eating, I make an excuse that I was staying hydrated. Harry told us about a private area we could meet him, he’d told security we were coming so we were just getting a bite to take to him. I wasn’t sure what I would do when we got to him.

He’s a sweaty happy mess when we do, listening to everyone’s praises with a big grin, laughing and acting shy as we all hug him. This was his first festival!

“How did you like the new song?” Harry asks, his eyes lingering on mine.

“I was speechless,” Jack jokes.

“I’m curious who the inspiration was,” Alyssa teases Harry, I try not to act as flustered.

“Someone long ago,” Harry winks and they pretend to be scandalized.

“I’m starving,” Jess lifts her container. “I’m finding a place to sit.”

Alyssa and her head to an empty spot while the three of us head to the water station first.

“So when are you going to do it?” I hear Jack asking Harry as I fill my bottle.

“Do what?” I ask, looking from Jack to Harry.

“Uhm, I was going to-I was thinking today was a good time to finally-“

“He’s bloody proprosing to Alyssa!” Jack whispers to me. If I thought the song or Alyssa’s texts were going to end me, I was wrong. This was worse. It felt like a trainwreck I could only watch, and not stop. This was going to end horribly, and Harry. Harry...I didn’t want him to end up in a relationship like mine. I had to stop it somehow.

“Y/N?” Jack waves his hand in front of my face.

“Woah!” I try to cover up. “I was waiting for the punchline! Harry, really? You’re ready to-to commit?”

“Yeah,” Harry shrugs. “I think it’s time.”

“Have you guys talked about it?” I ask curiously.

“A couple times. But I know it’s the right time.”

“I asked Jess to marry me before we talked about it,” Jack says, and I know he’s eyeing me suspiciously. He knew me too well. “And look at us now.”

“You and Jess are a golden exception Jack,” I roll my eyes. “I just want to make sure Harry isn’t springing it unexpected.”

Jack’s phone rings-Jess wondering what was taking us so long and asking if he could get her another drink. That leaves Harry and me walking back together alone and the guilt of knowing his girlfriend may be cheating on him eats me up so I burst after we walk in silence.

“Harry, I don’t think you should do it.”

“What?” Harry heard me but he looks confused. “Why would you say that?”

“I just...I can’t...I can’t say. Just trust me.” I didn’t want to be the one to break it to him. But I didn’t want him to fuck his life up either.

“Trust you? Give me something to trust Y/N! Why wouldn’t I propose to the woman I love?”

Ouch. “Just trust me Harry please,” I stop and grab his arm. “I never interfere with your love life unlike you do with mine, but I just think you should wait. Talk to her about it first. I don’t want you to make a mistake.”

Harry scoffs, shaking his head in disbelief. “Why don’t you tell me what this is really about Y/N.”

“What?” Now it was my turn to be confused.

“I know we’ve had a history, and you’ve been out of a relationship for a while. But that song was one I wrote years ago, when you were still with Nate. I was in love with you then-not-not now. I love Alyssa, not you.”

My jaw drops, that was not what I meant but Harry’s bluntness is misdirected, his old mean streak coming out. I wanted to tell him what I saw on her phone even more than before, how did he think I was that...jealous that I would stop him because I wanted him?

“What the fuck!” I finally sputter out after Harry turns to continue walking. “D-do you really-who do you think you are? Who do you think I am? You really think I’m petty enough to try to stop you because I think we belong together or some-you’re a self-centered dick, Harry! I’m just looking out for you!”

“I don’t want you to! I never asked you to!” Harry shouts back. “I don’t need you in my life Y/N! I don’t need your judgements or your advice. I want nothing from you. Unlike you, I have a healthy relationship with an amazing woman and I plan on bloody marrying her whether you want me to or not!”

“I-“ his words sting the back of my eyes and the lump in my throat feels like a tennis ball lodged too tight. I don’t need you in my life. He was right, we weren’t as close ever since he got together with Alyssa...we only ever hung out because of Jack. Harry moved on from me. “You know what, whatever. I cared about you as a friend Harry, that’s why I look out for you. Maybe you should ask yourself why your performed that song in the first place if you love Alyssa so much. But whatever. If I’m nothing to you, do whatever-just do whatever you want. I’m going to find Jack.”

I force my wobbling legs to turn around and go in the direction that Jack left. I find him just as he pays for his drinks and when he sees me he knows something’s wrong but I deny it until he gives up. I claim I felt sick, to let the group know. I let myself cry when I reach my car, not knowing Harry was proposing at the exact same moment.

June 21, One Year Ago

Harry: “Have you spoken to Y/N recently?” Jack asks me over the phone. I could hear Jack’s kid crying in the background, his daughter born in April-who they also named April.

“Not since your baby shower,” I reply. “You know we don’t talk anymore. After I fucked it all up.”

“I thought you patched things up at the baby shower?” Jack asks.

“I tried but Alyssa was there and I was distracted. She was just polite. I think I ruined anything between us for good.” And I felt like an idiot. After the whole disaster between Y/N and I at the festival, what was supposed to be the happiest day turned into the worst when I got back home.

Alyssa confessed to me that night she’d said yes because we were in front of all our friends but she couldn’t marry me. She’d met someone else, nothing actually happened between them but she couldn’t marry me. And it tore me apart. I finally understood why Y/N was trying to stop me, she must’ve known somehow.

And the more I thought about it, the more I realised how hard I was trying to force Alyssa to be my perfect girl. She wasn’t. I could never let go around her, always had to make sure I didn’t offend her. She never wanted kids, one day I did. I wasn’t enough for her, I forced her to be enough for me.

But at the time, I was heartbroken. I drank myself into blackouts and missed so many important meetings. I lost an album deal and set my bloody career back. I lost the only girl who maybe was enough for me, told her she was nothing to me. And I only apologised to her a few months ago. By then, it seemed like she moved on.

“Mate, what the hell are you doing feeling sorry for yourself and not trying harder for her? She doesn’t have a boyfriend, she’s still in love with you-“

“How do you know?” I demand. “She treated me like she was forced to talk to me. She’s over me. We were over before we had any chance!”

“Whenever I bring you up, she flinches Harry. She’s still hurt by what you said, that means she’s not over you. Just talk to her.”

“Is that Harry? Tell him I’ll put these babies down and kick his arse if he doesn’t go after Y/N! Did you see her last time she came over for dinner...” Jess in the background interrupts the conversation. Maybe the worst part of all this was I did give up on Y/N. I was embarassed that she knew about Alyssa and me before I did. And I’d said such stupid things to her. I didn’t think I was redeemable.

Y/N: I check my hair in the mirror one last time before I grab my purse. I was meeting Jack and Jess at a nearby restaurant for dinner, ever since they had their baby in April I had only seen them once. They’d secured a babysitter-Jack’s sister-and we were all planning on just catching up.

On the tube ride there, I can’t help but think about Harry. Usually dinners with J&J meant Harry was there too but ever since the festival, his proposal...the four of us hadn’t hung out. We talked for a bit at Jack’s baby shower, I had tried to act like I moved on and was doing really well. I don’t know if he bought it. Alyssa was there with her new boyfriend and she seemed happier than ever, I noticed how Harry kept looking at her. That had done it for me, he was still hung up over her. Even though Jack told me he was in a bad place after the breakup but better now, it was right before me. And I was done reading in between the lines with Harry.

I get to the restaurant just as Jack’s pulling out Jess’ chair. It was a fanicier restaurant, our table in the middle of the space. Jess springs back up to give me a tight squeeze and we settle in but I notice they glance at each other frequently.

“Is something the matter?” I ask after the fifth time.

“No? Why?” Jack looks at Jess again and I point it out.

“There! Why do you keep looking at each other?”

Jack and Jess’s gaze moves above my shoulders and I feel a presence behind me. I turn around and Harry stares back just as shocked.

“You guys bloody did not,” I stand up and face them. “Is this just an elaborate hoax to get me to talk to him?”

“I didn’t know anything about this,” Harry raises his hands in defence. But he still moves towards the empty seat. Like he was okay with this.

“We didn’t mean to parent trap you two but...” Jess looks to Jack.

“You have a lot to talk about. We hate having to see you guys separately, we miss the gang. Just have one dinner that’s all.”

I want to whip my glass across the wall, I was angrier than I should be. But it wasn’t like they didn’t mean well. So I drop into my seat like a child after a temper tauntrum and glare at Harry. I ignore him up until we order when Jack gets a “text” from his sister about an emergency and just like that, they rush off and leave Harry and I alone.

“We haven’t even ordered yet,” I say. “We could just call it a night ourselves.”

“J&J went through all this to get us to dinner, we could just...have dinner.” Harry looks at me from his menu. It’s like my life had come full circle, Jack setting me up to have dinner with Harry. Except this time, it’s Jack and his wife and I already know Harry would just be a waste of my time.

“You’d like that,” I mutter as I stare at the words without reading them.

“What?” Harry leans in. “Are you talking shite under your breath?”

My brows shoot up, taken aback by Harry’s abrasiveness. I hadn’t seen this side to Harry in a while. “What if I am?”

“I’d like to know what you’re saying,” Harry moves to the seat next to me. “Lay it on me.”

I stare at Harry’s strange behaviour, glance at his glass but it’s untouched.

“This dinner?” I stare him square in the eye.” “Really for your benefit. Jack probably pitied you and decided to try to rekindle the flame he lit in the first place, I don’t bloody care to be here. I’m fine if you’re not in my life.”

“Who said I want this?” Harry asks. “I’m fine if you’re not in my life.”

Even though I’d just said those words to him, when he says them back they sting a little. And it must’ve shown in my face because Harry backs down a little. He reaches for his glass and takes the first sip. The waiter takes our order and I’m left staring at Harry’s side profile as he burns a hole into his glass. I open my mouth to talk but he speaks first.

“I’m sorry for being so horrible to you. All these years, not just at the festival.” Harry finally makes eye contact and it’s my turn to look away. He waits for me to say something and when I don’t he speaks again. “You don’t have to forgive me, I understand if you don’t. But I did lie right now, I wouldn’t be fine if you weren’t in my life. I haven’t been fine. I don’t know what else to say except I’m sorry.”

Tears spring up and I hate them. But remembering Harry’s words from that day, how often I did recall them. And I think he’s done but he continues:

“I really thought I had it all figured out with Alyssa. When I think about it now I know we would never have lasted. I don’t know how you knew she...but she couldn’t...it just wasn’t meant to be. With her and me. And I wish I believed I wasn’t such a dick that day. I think I was just scared what losing her would mean. So I lost you instead.”

I would never admit it, but life was a little less dull without Harry. I missed when we hung out with J&J, the four of us had fun. But I didn’t want my life to be a pattern of crawling back to any man I had history with.

“Thank you for apologising,” I say formally, it was the only way I wouldn’t cry. “But I don’t think we can be friends again.” It’s too painful, too much had happened between us.

Harry doesn’t speak for a while, I thought he wasn’t going to until he does: “Okay, if that’s what you want.” I see him lean back in the chair from the corner of my eyes. He pinches his nose and sighs, “I’ll respect your...what you want.”

It’s awkwardly silent between us as we wait for dinner. Jack texts me just as it arrives and I check it discreetly.

I’m sorryyyy!! False alarm but we decided to take the babies home. Give him a chance Y/N, he’s always asking about you. Don’t shut him out!!!! Xxx

I want to facetime Jack just to flip him off but I turn my phone over and focus on swallowing my food without throwing up.

“So,” Harry starts. “Since we’re havig dinner we should talk.”

“What do you want to talk about?” I decided to stay polite.

Harry looks intensely at me, “What you’ve been up to? Unless you don’t want to get...personal.”

I shrug. “I haven’t had much of a life outside of work. But I booked a month off next month, I’m visiting some American friends.”

“Oh? Where are they located?”

“Some in New York City, LA, Seattle, and one in Chicago.”

“You’re going to visit all of them?” Harry sounds surprised.

“Yep,” the excitement for the trip flares up again and I can’t help but grin. “New York first, then make my way to Chicago and then Seattle. But the most exciting part is I’m going to drive down to LA after that-“

“Alone? That’s cool!” Harry joins in on my excitement.

“Right?! I just needed...” I sputter out as I remember it was Harry I was talking to. But then, I say screw it. “I just feel like the last few years with Nate and stuff, I needed an adventure. To just go out and explore.”

“I think that sounds perfect.” Harry smiles and he looks genuinely happy for me. The way he looks at me, I feel flushed as I concentrare on my food and throw the question back at him.

“Catching up on studio time,” he says. “I missed out on a lot after...Alyssa and I split. I’m going on tour in a month.”

“Local tour?” I ask.

“America, actually.” Harry says and I raise my eyebrow.

“Maybe we’ll bump into each other,” I say without thinking. We pause as we stare at each other. I break eye contact.

“It’s a big country,” Harry says. “But if we’re destined to meet...I’d like that.”

We talk some more, Harry telling me his plan for his new album and accepting my crticism. We decide to skip dessert, I claim I was getting tired but the night was just growing heavy. I missed Harry like you miss a childhood friend. It felt like we might have outgrown each other, I wanted things to go back to simpler times, but it was so easy to fall back into a familiar pattern when we were together. It was confusing and upsetting.

Instead of an Uber this time, Harry had driven himself and he offers to drop me off. He was passing me on his way home apparently.

The ride is silent, but not awkward. An unspoken agreement to just exist beside each other and not force a conversation. As we near my flat, his song comes on. He goes to change it but I swat his hand away and turn the volume up. I catch him glancing at me but I turn my head out my window and let Speechless wash over me. The only song anyone’s ever written for me.

Before I leave, I turn to him, the goodbye a painful one. “Goodnight Harry.”

“Goodnight,” he watches me with sorrow and it makes me pause as I hop out.

“I had a nice dinner even though we were parent trapped together.”

He laughs, relief coating his features. “Me too, it wasn’t as painful as you looked when you first spotted me. I thought you were going to run out of that place.”

“I was not,” I laugh. I decide to lean back in the car and peck his cheek goodbye. “I’m really proud of you Harry. You’re definitely going places.”

He smiles, but his eyes give away the truth behind what he was thinking. It was a thought I couldn’t entertain.

I wish him goodnight again and head to my doors, making sure I didn’t turn around. I wasn’t sure I would have the strength to walk away if I did.

I drop my keys by my door and head to my room, shedding the day as I step out of my oufit and into my sweatpants. My tickets to JFK in two and a half weeks greet me as I open my freezer for ice cream, I might have refused dessert tonight but my heart needed the sweet relief that I was going to be okay. In under three weeks I was going to be halfway across the world tasting freedom and a new adventure! I couldn’t wait. As I dream about what was waiting for me, I begin to think I really was going to be okay.

[warsofasoiaf]

Have you played Fallout 4? What did you think of it?

Joseph Anderson had a phenomenal video on Fallout 4. Although it is enormous, so be careful. Overall, there were things to like and things not to like about Fallout 4. I’ll start with what I liked first. Throwing a cut in here because it’s long.

Combat in the first-person Fallout games has always been clunky, and enemy AI relatively largely consisted of straight charging or shooting from as maximum range as possible. Difficulty came primarily from enemy quantity, high damage output, or incredibly enemy hitpoints. The last of these has been a particular Bethesda problem in their games, with enemies being incredible damage sponges, making late-game fights a boring slog as you slowly whittle down their health while being impossible to damage in any meaningful capacity. While enemy variations aren’t nearly as high as the game’s fans would have you believe if you conceive of them as AI patterns, the AI activity did have some nice variations. Human enemies used cover, ghouls bobbed and weaved as you shot them, mole rats tried to ambush you. It’s got nothing on games with fully realized combat system, but it does make the combat that you do engage in much more enjoyable. 

All of the random crap you can pick up in a Bethesda game having a purpose is another positive. It is a true nuisance to find out when playing a game that I hit my encumbrance limit only to find out it’s because I’ve picked up a bunch of brooms, bowls, and other garbage accidentally while grabbing coin and other worthwhile treasures. Actually having these things mean an object is worthy mechanically, aside from level design; typewriters are useful as items as opposed to something that shows you that the ruined building you’re in was formerly a newspaper. As crafting is a big portion of the game, having these things provide component parts that you use for crafting on their own creates more utility in these elements of clutter which still require modeling, rendering, placement, etc. Now if you need aluminum, you’ll try to raid something like a cannery because it will have aluminum cans, which is an excellent way to create player-generated initiative. It also reinforces one of the primary themes of the game which is crafting and design, where even the trailers of the game suggest building as a key idea of the game. Certainly sensible for a post-apocalyptic game to focus on building a new society upon the ruins of the older one, and given what the game was trying to do with their four factions mechanic, it’s clear that this was their intent, and good job for trying to ensure that things factor back into their principal intent. 

Deathclaws look properly scary, the animations with Vault Boy were funny, there’s some pretty window dressing. The voice work wasn’t bad, the notable standout being Nick Valentine. The Brotherhood airship was an impressive visual. I had a little fun creating some basic settlements, particularly in Hangman’s Alley where I tried to create a network of suspended buildings and Spectacle Island where I had room to grant every prospective settler a shack. Bethesda clearly looked to create a game with mass market appeal, and I believe the metrics bears out that they succeeded in that regard. The robots in the USS Constitution quest were very funny, the writers were able to make the absolute ridiculousness of the situation work (curse you Weatherby Savings and Loan!) and framed it well as a comedic sidequest, with a final impressive visual if you side with the bots and the ship takes flight.

Now that this is out of the way, I think that a lot of what Fallout 4 did was not the right move. 

The quest design was particularly atrocious in this regard. Most of the radiant quests boiled them down to a simple formula - go to the dungeon, get to the final room where you need to either kill the boss or get an item from the boss chest, return. In this game though, the main story quests often were boiled down to just this simple formula. You need to find a doodad from a Courser to complete your teleporter? Go to the dungeon, kill the boss, recover the item. The Railroad needs you to help an escaped synth! Do it by going to the dungeon and getting to the final room. This really hampers the enjoyment of games because the expressiveness of the setting and elements of an RPG is often explored through quests. Quests are meant to get you out into the world and give you an objective, but they are also meant to connect you to the people that you’re dealing with. If every quest is boiled down to the same procedure, that hurts the immersion, but the bigger sin is that when you return you have another quest waiting for you. That robs the player of the sense of accomplishment because there is no permanent solution to problems, even for a minute. There is no different end-state for the player to see the transition from one to the other and feel accomplished that they were the ones who did it. Other RPG’s always understood this - a D&D game might have a party save a town investigate an illness dealing with a town, take out an evil druid who has charmed the wildlife into attacking supply and trade shipments, slay goblins who are raiding cattle, there are a lot of possibilities that might even feel samey: if you’re killing charmed dire wolves or goblin cattle thieves, you’re still going to the dungeon and fighting the boss, the usual flair and variation came from encounter design. After you’d do that though, the NPC’s might say “Hey, Mom is feeling better after you cured that disease, she’s starting to walk again,” “Hey, we were able to send a shipment of wine from the vineyards out to the capital, here’s some coin for the shipment as reward for your service,” or even just a simple “Hey, thanks for taking out those cattle thieves.” There’s a sense of accomplishment even if it’s a fleeting “we did a cool thing.” Computer RPG’s are tougher in this regard, part of the sense of accomplishment in tabletop gaming is also with your friends, it’s a shared activity, but usually in that the reward was some experience and character growth and going to new content. There isn’t new content here in Fallout 4 though, because of the samey quest design and lack of progression.

The conversational depth was also ruined, with so much of the voice choices mangled by the system of conversation they designed. By demanding a four-choice system, they limited themselves to always requiring four options which completely mangled interactivity. The previous menu design allowed for as many lines as you wanted, even if the choices were usually beads on a string. The depth and variation, however, are even lower than what could be found in games like Mass Effect 3, and the small word descriptions were often so inaccurate that it created a massive disconnect between myself the player and the Sole Survivor, because they weren’t saying what I thought they would be saying. That prevented me from feeling immersed, because a “Sarcastic” option could be a witty joke or a threat that sounds like it should come out of a bouncer. The character options were already limited, with Nate being a veteran and Nora being a lawyer, but this lack of depth prevents me from feeling the character even moreso than a scripted backstory. You get those in games, but being unable to predict how I’m reacting is something that kills character. 

Bethesda needs to end the “find (x) loved one” as a means to get people motivated to do a quest, or if they don’t want to rid themselves of that tool in their toolbox, they need to do a better job getting me to like them. More linear games can get away with this, but open world games encourage the sort of idle dicking around that doesn’t make any sense for a person who is attempting to find a family member. Morrowind did this much better, where your main task was to be an Imperial agent, and you were encouraged to join other factions and do quests as a means to establish a cover identity and get more acquainted with combat. Folks who didn’t usually ended up going to Hasphat Antabolius and getting their face kicked in by Snowy Granius. Here though, what sort of parent am I if instead of pursuing a lead to find my infant son I’m wandering over east because I saw what looked like a cool ruin, and I need XP to get my next perk (another gripe, perks that are simple percentage increases because they slow down advancement and make combat a slog if you don’t take them, depressing what should be a sense of accomplishment). By making us try to feel close with a character but by refusing to give us the players time with them, there is no sense of bonding. I felt more connection to James in Fallout 3 than I did for Sean, but even then, I felt more connection to him because he was voiced by Liam Neeson than because of any sense of fatherly affection. The same goes for the spouse and baby Sean, I feel little for them because I see them only a little. I know that I should care more, but I also know that I the player don’t because all that I was given is “you should care about them.” You need time to get to know characters in game, along with good writing and voicework. I like Nick because he quoted “The Raven” when seeing the Brotherhood airship and I thought that was excellent writing, I didn’t have any experiences with Sean to give me that same sense of bonding. 

They’ve also ruined the worldbuilding. The first-person Fallout games have always had a problem with this, with Fallout 3 recycling Super Mutants, the Brotherhood of Steel, and other iconic Fallout things into Washington D.C. Part of this is almost certainly the same reason that The Force Awakens was such a dull rehash of the plot of A New Hope, they wanted to establish some sort of continuity with a new director to not frighten off old fans who they relied on to provide a significant majority of the sales. The problem of course, is that this runs into significant continuity problems, now needing Vault 87 to have a strain of FEV and having a joint Vault-Tec/US Government experiment program there on the East Coast, so we can have Super Mutants. Jackson’s chameleon isn’t native to Washington D.C., but we need to have Deathclaws because they’re the iconic scary Fallout enemy, as opposed to creating something new with the local fauna, which is only made worse because they did do that with the yao guai formed from the American black bear (the black bear doesn’t typically range in the Chesapeake Basin near DC these days, but it’s close enough and given the loss of humans to force them back they could easily return to their old pre-human rangings). Some creatures are functions of the overall setting and can be global, ghouls are the big one here since radiation would be a global thing and fitting considering Fallout is a post-apocalypse specifically destroyed by nuclear war. Others though, are clearly mutated creatures and so they would be more localized. Centaurs and floaters were designed by FEV experiments and collared by Super Mutants, they should really only be around Super Mutants. Radscorpions shouldn’t be around, there would probably be instead be mutated spiders. Making things worse are that the monster designers do develop some excellent enemies when they think about it. Far Harbor has a mutant hermit crab that uses a truck as a shell (a lobster restaurant truck, which is passable enough for a visual joke even if it falls apart when you think about other trucks that they might use) and a monster that uses an angler lure that resembles a crafting component - these are good ideas but the developers needed to awkwardly shoehorn in iconic Fallout things that have no place there. This isn’t to say that I’m in love with a lot of Fallout’s worldbuilding, a lot of the stuff in Fallout 2 I found to be kind of dumb particularly the talking deathclaws, but as the series went on it took objects without meaning. The G.E.C.K in Fallout 3 was pretty much a magic recombinator which makes no sense as a technology in a world devastated by resource collapse, something similar can be said about the Sierra Madre vending machines. 

Fallout 4 though, had a lot of worldbuilding inconsistencies that really took an axe to the setting. The boy in the fridge outlasts the entire Great War, but apparently never needed to eat or drink water. This is, of course, stupid, because ghouls have always been shown to need to eat and drink - Fallout 1′s Necropolis section has a Water Chip but if you take it without finding an alternate source of clean water, the ghouls will die. Ghoul settler NPC’s that flock to your player-crafted towns require food and water. The entire thing was ruined from a complete lack of care, to build a quest where you reunite a lost boy with his still-alive ghoulified parents. I think this one bothers me not simply because of the egregious worldbuilding which isn’t even consistent in the very game it’s written it, but it’s done so frivolously for a boring escort quest. It feels scattershot, and that’s the problem I think with a lot of Fallout 4′s quests. They feel disconnected, like every writer worked in a cubicle without talking to any of the other writers. Same with things like the Lady in the Fog.

Are we done with that? Good, because now we’re going into the parts that I really dislike - the main quest and the factions. These are just awful. The developers took what folks really liked when it came to Fallout 2 and Fallout: New Vegas (Fallout 1 did have interesting factions but they were largely self-contained, more towns than anything else) and completely botched it. New Vegas was the clear inspiration for these factions, with the four faction model of NCR, Legion, House, and Indepenedent meaning that there were four different ways to go forward into the future, so we get three factions that fight each other and a fourth more player friendly faction that roughly resembles the Independent Vegas where you can pick and choose which factions you bring in with you and which you get rid of. Thematically, this fits in with the core of the game, crafting is a big portion of what you do and so crafting what sort of world the Commonwealth would be is simply a logical extension of it. The factions aren’t presented well though. The Railroad are impossibly naive and don’t demonstrate any rougher edges like denying supplies to humans in order to fuel their synth effort, even though such a thing should be evident if the post-apocalypse of the Commonwealth is to be believed. The Institute are sinister murderers and replacers without bringing any of the advanced technology that could provide some benefit such as the gigantic orange gourd that can grow. So much of their kill-and-replace mentality seems to be done for no great overarching purpose. The Minutemen are basically blank, pretty much just a catch-all for the player-built settlements, though the player as the leader of the Minutemen ends up getting bossed around by Preston to the point of the faction rejecting your commands to proceed with the main quest, a significant problem with Bethesda factions where you are the leader but never get any actual sense of leadership. There doesn’t appear to be any addressing of the failures of the previous Minutemen whether that be the previous summit, or new problems such as settlements feuding with each other requiring the general to intervene and mediate. The Brotherhood come the closest to a real faction with advantages and drawbacks if you squint, they are feudal overlords with the firepower to fight Super Mutants and other mutated nasties, but also violently reject ghouls and synths as part of their violent dogma except for seemingly not caring when you bring a companion around or killing ghoul settlers in settlements they control. But even then, we don’t really see the Brotherhood providing protection to the settlements that they demand for food, the typical radiant quest to destroy a pack of feral ghouls or super mutants is directed from a Brotherhood quest giver to a randomly determined location, hardly a good way to illustrate whether or not the Brotherhood is actually protecting settlements that they administer. We see little change in the way of the Commonwealth save that certain factions are alive or not because the game needs to stay active in order to perform radiant quests, so not even the signature ending slideshows can give us the illusion of effects building off of our actions. This is contrary to the theme of building a better world in the Commonwealth because there is no building. 

Special notice must be given to the Nuka-World raiders because they show the big problems with the factions. You can be a Raider in Nuka-World but only after becoming the Overboss, which is fair enough. But you’re already a Minuteman, but the Minutemen don’t activate any kill-on-sight order and Preston still helps you out. The game is so terrified of people losing out on content that they make permanent consequences rare, and when you do something like order an attack, it can be rescinded automatically if one of your companions is there. As an Overboss, you do grunt work in the Commonwealth, and the factions get mad and pissy if you don’t give them things despite even if you only give one section of the park to one of the factions, that’s more than they got from Colter. It’s like they don’t exist until the player shows up, which is exactly how a lot of modern Bethesda character and faction building seems to be. While in most computer games a sort of uneasy status quo is the desired beginning state because it gives the protagonist the chance to make ripples while justifying the existence of a status that allows the player to change it, it has to be applied consistently. 

The main quest itself is silly. There’s a decent twist with Sean becoming Father that sort of works, which would have worked much better if we had actually gotten a chance to bond with him, although the continuity of everything gets wiggy quick. When he said that he looked over the world and saw nothing but despair, I was wondering if they were going to actually bring a big question up and a debate between Father and the Player, the idea of what worth the people on the surface have, but it goes nowhere, it’s a missed opportunity. The main quest is just a means to meet all four factions and it’s a barebones skeleton at best. There are some interesting concepts they try, but what they do often falls flat. They try to establish some sort of empathy for Kellogg in the memory den, but it’s lazy and cheap because he kidnaps a baby and wastes your spouse, a wasted effort of empathy only made worse when you get criticized for not showing any sympathy. Kellogg then shows up in Nick’s memory for one second and then that little story nugget is ignored. The half-baked nature of the story keeps being brought back up, which is a pity because we actually saw them do a competent job in Far Harbor. The Followers of Atom are crazy and they really aren’t sympathetic in any way, but some of the folks inside the sub aren’t so bad that it might prevent you from wanting to detonate the sub, or at least you might think enough that you look for another solution. DiMA did some monstrous things, and if you bring him to justice, the game actually takes the time to evaluate whether or not you helped out Far Harbor, with meaningful consequences being taken if you took the time to do the sidequests which imparts far more meaning to them. 

While there’s a lot of problems that show up in terms of binary completion, the question of whether to replace Tektus and turn the Children of Atom to a more moderate path is a good question, it actually gives a lot more merit to the Institute if they were ever to have been shown to enact the same level of care. That only makes the Fallout problems stand out more, because it shows that they were capable of it but didn’t. This isn’t the only missed opportunity, synths themselves become a big problem. The goal was to create a very paranoid feeling but it was so sorely under-utilized that I never grew suspicious of folks because the game never gave me enough incentive to be suspicious of them. I didn’t think that Bethesda made synths that would give you false information or ambush you because that would have been potentially missed content. The idea of whether you are a synth or not is clearly an attempt to give the game more depth than it is presenting. You’re not a synth, Father’s actions make no sense if you are one, and DiMA attempting to make you think you are is silly because you know you aren’t one.

I think the game would have been much better if they had dropped the notion of Fallout entirely. If they had instead looked to create an open-world post-apocalyptic game focusing on crafting and building towns, perhaps with an eventual goal state of building many towns, establishing transportation networks, and rebuilding a junkyard society as a decent place (or going full Mad Max Bartertown complete with a Thunderdome for players looking for an evil and over-the-top option). That might have been an interesting game for Bethesda to potentially develop a new IP, even contracting with smaller studios for those who wish to tell story-heavy games in the setting. Instead, they applied Fallout like a bad paint job, cobbling together weak RP elements and story that made the game feel like a hydra that couldn’t recognize it was one being with multiple heads, constantly tearing the other parts of itself to ribbons. 

If I wanted to further improve it, I think I would have instead made the spouse a synth. It would require some serious reworking, but I would have made it so that Sean did believe that synths were people, or that they were real enough that the difference was negligible, they had free will. During the initial grab, the Institute took the entire cryopod where Sean was, baby and parent both. They used Sean to create the next generation of synths, but something happened with the parent, and they died during defrost. Sean hates the Institute for what they did, but what happened was truly a medical complication, not malicious in any way. When he learns that the player character is active, he creates a synth programmed to believe they are the spouse. He believes that exposing who he really is to the surviving parent would be traumatic, and as he hears that the player character is thriving, he wants to give them a chance at a normal life, and to alleviate the loss that he had in his life with the loss of his own parents. So the spouse is sent to you, and for a long time, you and the spouse have no idea. You adventure together, you build settlements together, the game encourages you to have a good relationship. It doesn’t have to be hunky dory, and I’d argue it’s actually better if it’s not. Have the spouse be programmed with some rough experiences in the Wasteland, so they’re nervous, skittish, maybe even a little resentful that the player character snoozed their way through everything, but slowly rebuild the relationship. That way, when the quest eventually comes where you find the truth, the player character has to confront that reality. Then when you confront Sean, Sean explains himself and the player is given the choice to forgive him, be understanding but still angry, or be hugely pissed at the manipulation. That’s drama that uses the core theme of what synths are about with the whole kill-and-replace motif the Institute does. There’s a plot twist that batters the player, there’s one that’s just messy and gross and tough to reconcile. There’s one where the conclusion the player comes to is valid because it’s the player themselves deciding what the meaning of it is.

So overall, I see Fallout 4 as a bunch of missed opportunities and clumsy writing wrapped up in the popular shallow open-worlds that triple-A games end up having. 

Thanks for the question, Jackie.

SomethingLikeALawyer, Hand of the King

[msjr0119]

Hold On

Part 19- I’m being sincere

Nobody got injured at the Homecoming ball, they all get separated into different safe houses- for safety.

Riley and Drake had confirmed that they had feelings for each other, however Drake believed Riley should be with Liam. Heartbroken, she moves back to New York. Only keeping in touch with Hana, Maxwell and Olivia.

Riley meets lawyer, Nate Cooper and begins a relationship with him. In Cordonia, Drake begins to court Kiara.

Nine months after Riley had left Cordonia- there is a reunion, but not the reunion the friends had hoped for.

*Characters belong to Pixelberry*

If you are under 18 please do not read this series. If you do, you are consenting that you are over the age.

Series warnings: Suicide, domestic abuse, swearing, stabbing, smut 🍋. If any of these triggers affect you do not read!

Tags- @annekebbphotography @burnsoslow @ladyangel70 @drakesensworld @butindeed @bbrandy2002 @captain-kingliamsqueen @bascmve01 @drakewalker04 @pedudley @kingliam2019 @duchessemersynwalker @insideamirage @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld @kozabaji @kimmiedoo5 @texaskitten30 @ibldw-main @nikkis1983 @dangerouseggseagleartisan @gnatbrain @walker7519 @lodberg @cmestrella @choices97 @hopefulmoonobject @addictedtodrakefanfic @liamxs-world @angi15h

The next two parts were just in this one, but I’ve split it because it was too long- and it gives you all an extra part to read- wahay 😁👍🏼... One paragraph contains Riley’s thoughts and another paragraph contains Drake’s thoughts- if you are all confused I thought I’d warn you. You will find out Riley’s and Drake’s POV of what actually happened in the next part 🤭

******

“Ah Lady Riley. So nice to see you again. But this is the last time. Au Revoir.”

Au Revoir- what the fuck? Is she mad? This is the last time? Oh, Drake what the fuck have you done? Stay calm Riley- if she was involved with Madeleine she is ready to wreck vengeance on all of us.

“Kiara, I’m sorry. Drake said he wanted to talk. We was all concerned when neither of you were present in the ballroom.. I’m going back to Liam. See you both soon.”

Kiara stood tall, arms folded- providing Riley with daggers in her eyes, before she locked the door. Blocking the door after having a slight stand off with Riley, the commoner looked at her pleading. Kiara refused to acknowledge Riley’s plea’s until she forced herself pushing the woman out of the way to escape. Kiara was now full on rage- pulling Riley’s hair out of it’s neat chignon. Her brown naturally curls flowed past her shoulders.

“Kiara please... let me out.”

“Aw is poor Riley in trouble again...it’s a shame that Mr Walker is a bit tied up to save you this time.”

“I am pretty capable of looking after myself! Ask your friend, Madeleine! Let him go - he’s your boyfriend for god sake!”

“He’s not mine anymore! You stole him from me again. Oh didn’t he tell you- he dumped me! Probably for you...”

Even though Kiara was scaring the life out of Riley at this moment in time, her heart sunk for the woman- sorrow was present in both their eyes. Riley was in the same position all those months ago.

“I know how that feels Kiara, honestly I do. He did it to me if you haven’t forgotten. But, I’m with Liam now.”

“You was with Liam before Drake. Drake is free and single now. You can have him back!” - Kiara snapped back in jealousy.

“Kiara! I don’t want Drake! You’re welcome to him. I’m trying to be civil here! Do you really think I’d go back to him after he broke my heart? No offence, Drake.”

Riley stepped backwards practically impersonating the moon walk. She knew she had to somehow discreetly release Drake’s gag. She needed him right now to beg for Kiara’s forgiveness if it was going to save the both of them from the mad woman’s clutches. If Kiara wasn’t going to kill him she sure was.

“You- you went back to Liam though, after all what he did too!”

“Yes because Liam broke my heart for my own safety. Please Kiara. Just let me go. I won’t tell anyone- I swear.”

Kiara looked down to the floor, maybe Riley didn’t love Drake back like he did her? But she still didn’t trust the commoner turned Lady.

“Kiara please don’t do anything stupid. We are friends. Please. You’re better than this. Losing Drake isn’t the end of the world.”

“But I love him Ri. I am jealous of the love he has for you!”

Riley now knew that she was in danger. She needed to prevent potentially having a panic attack- her breathing was rapidly increasing uncontrollably. She needed to play this right to save her own life- right now she couldn’t give two shits about Drake who had fucked her over in the past. Her main priority was getting back to the man who loved her and to get away from all the psychopaths Liam kept in his court.

“Kiara, do you trust me?”

“No! Why?”

“Just let me take the gag off him, and untie him. You two need to make up. And I will leave without saying a word.”

Kiara nodded, her emotions were running sky high. Riley turned back towards Drake. As she knelt down, Drake could tell she was angry with how her eyes narrowed at him, but at the same time she was keeping calm for the sake of the both of them. He had wondered why Riley was being so nice to a woman that obviously wasn’t her friend. As she untied him, she mouthed words at him so Kiara couldn’t read her lips- she was like a ventriloquist doll and had hoped that Drake would understand her.

Go and get Liam and Bastien the minute you are free. I will defend myself with Kiara. You need to do this for all of us.

Riley walked over to Kiara, pulled her in for a hug- causing a distraction for Drake to get out of the room.

“Kiara, you and I have a lot in common. Let’s be friends and not enemie’s okay?”

Riley had thought that she had knocked some sense into the noble lady as she hugged her back. Riley wiped Kiara’s tears away - hoping Drake would get to the door.

****

I was hugging someone who I potentially hate right now. Why did I come up here? I am with Liam now. Why does my heart still love Drake- it must be the baby? It must be why I insisted on talking to him. Why didn’t I force Liam to come up with me? This whole love triangle and the baby involved, involves Liam too. If I get pregnant again in the future would it send Drake over the edge? I know, that I felt a pang of jealousy when we all believed that Kiara was pregnant with Drake’s baby. I know he loves me still, I’ll still have feelings towards him. But he is Drake. Just Drake. He is my friend. And only my friend. I could never give him my heart again, Liam has my heart. What is he doing? Why isn’t he running to the door. Can he not lip read? Hurry the fuck up Drake. We don’t know what she is capable of. I can’t keep hugging her for a distraction. Just go and get Liam and Bastien please!

****

Brooks what the fuck are you doing? I can’t leave you alone with her. I know we need Liam and Bastien. But I haven’t got my phone - Kiara has it and I refuse to leave you in danger. I had to split up with her. She is jealous of you. I know why. You are always going to be in my heart. I regret what I did to you- you honestly deserve better. I ran to Kiara because I know I’m not worthy for anyone. I know in time, I will move on and find someone who loves me as much as you did. And I won’t make that same mistake that I did with you again. Kiara isn’t for me. She’s obsessed with me. That isn’t love. I was a damned fool to let you go. But I am happy for you and Liam. I honestly am. I’m not leaving you alone. You are potentially going to be Queen of this country in the future- I am not letting my best friend’s heart break again. I’m going to protect you again. Even if I die trying. I’ve already lost you but Liam’s not losing you again.

*****

Madeleine snuck into the palace, she avoided the ballroom- she knew that the King would be annoyed with her. She shared one emotion with Kiara- jealousy over Riley Brooks.

Madeleine began to feel guilty about the plot against Riley and Leo. She had already lost Liam and Leo, so what was the point anymore? Humiliated, hurt and emotional- she didn’t know if she even belonged in Cordonia anymore. The only ‘friend’ she had was Kiara- until Kiara went apeshit regarding the court verdict. Madeleine lost her friend when she informed her that she “was out” - she didn’t want to plot anymore. It would be an embarrassment to her house’s reputation if she continued- especially as her Mother’s cousin was married to the late King Father. She needed to keep the royal family on her side.

Feeling melancholy, she swiftly snuck towards her room- like a thief in the night, hoping no one would notice her. On her way, she noticed Drake Walker’s door open- she believed Kiara would be there. Riley had already damaged her face, she didn’t need anymore aggravation from the noble lady too. She stood frozen, as she heard a scream and desperate plea’s shouting and echoing into the hallway. Not knowing what she was doing or why - she ran into the commoner’s dark room.

Looking around the room, the Countess’s breath caught as she witnessed the blood stained floor and gruesome injuries in front of her. Riley was laying lifeless, on top of a barely alive Drake- Madeleine froze in shock.

Drake laid on his back, shaking from shock, his eyes rolling back- his vision blurred. Barely he turned his head over towards his right shoulder. Riley’s hair covered it, her face was squashed against his shoulder. He couldn’t tell if she was breathing or not. With the lack of energy that he contained, he managed to move Riley off him. Blood. They were both covered in blood.

Drake saw the figure, he couldn’t identify who it was - his vision became more blurred every second that went by. Get Liam now, Kiara ... she did... this - he whispered before his eyes were forced shut. His last thought hoped that the person would go immediately for help.

“Oh Maddy, nice of you to drop by. Don’t they look just like Romeo and Juliet? Dying in each other’s arms. I’d advise you not to go to the King. If I can’t have Drake Walker, no one can. Unlucky for Riley, she got in the way.”

“People think I’m a bitch? What the hell Ki? You need help! They need help! I shouldn’t even be here- Liam is already after me for the stunt WE pulled in New York!”

“No Madeleine, you pulled that stunt. Not poor little me. Who do you think Liam will believe? After all the stunts you have done in the past?”

“Ki, I’m going to pack my bags. I need to get out of here before Liam sees me. I suggest you do the same if you’re not going to help them.”

“Maddy, if you tell Liam, you’ll be joining them. Pack your bags and leave.”

Madeleine swallowed hard at that comment- as Kiara said it she waved the blood stained knife in front of her eyes. Seeing what she had seen was something people would watch in a horror film. It was like a nightmare. When Kiara wasn’t looking Madeline ran downstairs and into the ballroom.

******

If looks could kill Madeleine would be buried six feet under now. She knew she wouldn’t be welcome, no matter how much people hated her, she had the tiniest bit of heart buried under all of that ice.

“Liam!” Madeleine screamed, hoping he would hear her out. Time was running out. She didn’t know how many more breaths her body contained. Still shocked at what she witnessed- she knew she had to find help- any help. Two innocent people didn’t deserve to lose their lives over jealousy.

“Madeleine get out of the palace now! You are not welcome!” Liam roared at his ex fiancée. Not wanting to cause anymore of a scene, he had hoped she would leave gracefully. He would deal with her in the morning.

“Liam, you can do whatever punishment I deserve, but right now you need to trust me.”

“Why should we trust you Maddy? You tried to ruin both mine and Riley’s reputation in court! As my brother said, you are not welcome! Go away!”

“Please. It’s Riley and Drake...”

“Madeleine! I know she is talking to him, so if you have come to stir trouble don’t!”

“Liam just fucking listen to me! I think they are dead! Kiara has hurt the two them, please. I’m not crying wolf. I’m being sincere. You need to go to Drake’s room now!”

Hana overheard the commotion and immediately ran over- I think they are dead, Kiara, hurt, Drake’s room. That’s all Hana had to hear, she knew something bad had happened. She had never seen Madeleine this worked up before- she was an emotional wreck. Hana had hoped she wasn’t too late- she had to speak up and regrettably stick up for the Countess.

“Liam, we wanted to talk to you. Drake had his suspicions about Kiara being involved in the court case plot. He ended his relationship with her. I told Riley. She wanted to tell you straight away. Myself and Maxwell insisted that it could wait. You should believe Madeleine, I believe they both are in danger.”

“Madeleine? Stay within a big group of people! You’re in danger too now. Thank you for informing us, but if Riley and Drake are hurt -you and kiara have some explaining to do! And I will personally kill Kiara myself! So you better be telling the truth!”

Liam and Leo ran out of the ballroom, yelling at Bastien to gather all the guards available. He was damned if he was going to lose his best friend and the love of his life.

[thesportssoundoff]

“Conor McGregor is back! Excitement may vary. Excitement in this card may vary! Excitement is really yours to have and hold, folks” The UFC 246 Fight Preview

Joey

January 13th, 2020 

The UFC kicks off its 2019 schedule after a few long weeks off with a card that will, with very little sarcasm in play, play a hefty part in defining the way 2020 rolls out deep into the year. UFC 246 from Las Vegas, Nevada is a weird card on paper but it's also very significant and significance can sometimes create card quality/card quantity. Conor McGregor vs Donald Cerrone is a significant fight, one that figures to ask and answer a lot of questions for both men. For better or worse, the future of two divisions could be mapped out in one night depending on the results of one which fight which again parlays to its perceived significance. The PPV main card is "fine" although it clearly lacks a significant co-main event and the televised prelims are actually respectably spiffy as they're essentially four well put together "prospect of note vs proven veteran" fights with some good early ESPN+ prelim action too. Again I don't know if this card is good or bad---just that it's a significant card of fights and by the time Friday comes along, that long term delay in high level MMA is going to be eating at us SO we'll be all in on this one.

2020 Stat-O-Matic:

Debuting Fighters (): Ode Osbourne, Aleksa Camur Main Event Exemption:

Short Notice Fighters (): Main Event Exemption:

Second Fight (): Askar Askarov Main Event Exemption: Vs Debutantes:

Cage Corrosion (Fighters who have not fought within a year of the date of the fight) (): Conor McGregor, Brian Kelleher Main Event Exemption: Conor McGregor

Undefeated Fighters (): Aleksa Camur, Maycee Barber Main Event Exemption:

Fighters with at least four fights in the UFC with 0 wins over competition still in the organization (): Alexey Oleinik, Justin Ledet Main Event Exemption:

Weight Class Jumpers (Fighters competing outside of the weight class of their last fight even if they’re returning BACK to their “normal weight class”) (): Donald Cerrone, Conor McGregor Main Event Exemption: Conor McGregor, Donald Cerrone

Twelve Precarious Ponderings

1- So what necessarily is the end game here for Conor McGregor? As has been the case since he broke out onto the scene and KO'd Jose Aldo, much of Conor's "plans" feel less like plans and more like thoughts he forces into existence. The good stuff like being a double champ and finagling a big money Floyd fight and the bad stuff like the Khabib lead up or believing he could just beat Nate Diaz up 15 lbs because it seemed like fun all feel like the decisions of a guy who sort of just decides he's going to do something and then does it regardless of the long term impact. Conor had the chance to fight Justin Gaethje and instead pushed for Frankie Edgar fight, ultimately leading us to the here and now where he'll draw Donald Cerrone up a weight class after a year plus layoff. In the time between Conor's LAST fight and this one, he's been arrested, accused of sexual assault, accused of fathering a child out of his marriage and feel free to fill me in on anything I may have missed. What sort of made Conor McGregor a superstar was that he flirted with the concept of being a character completely in control of everything he did and 2019 at the very exposed him as somebody lacking any semblance of control within his life. Either way, it's hard to say what the future holds for McGregor with a win.  We know a loss means it's over as four losses in his last five pro fights (I'm counting Floyd here for completionist sake) would probably kill whatever credibility he had and whatever legitimacy he garnered over the course of three years running through the UFC ranks. A win? It's hard to say with a guy who when he's right has the ability to dictate what he opts to do next. A win? Conor McGregor would fight Jorge Masvidal in a big money fight, a third Diaz fight, a GSP fight where both fighters can cash out or go and chase down Khabib. If one truly wishes to get stupid, I suppose fights with Pacquaio, Floyd or Paulie Malignaggi exist out there as well.  The first step isn't so much winning this fight but winning this fight and getting back to what made this whole act work to begin with.

2- This is historically the sort of fight Cerrone doesn't show up for and gets forced out of his element but there's some things here I think that do tilt the scales slightly in his favor. For starters, I DO believe in ring rust and Conor hasn't fought in over a year and has fought just twice since the end of 2016. You can argue that wear and tear means Cerrone is shop worn but I feel as though he fights better the MORE he fights and the more active he is. For a fighter like Conor who lives or dies based upon how sharp his timing is, I think it's fair to wonder if the long layoff is going to shake him. We saw him struggle with his timing vs Khabib and while Khabib is on a whole different galaxy than Cerrone, I'd argue it's worse to be slightly off vs a dude like Cerrone who does have the starch in his strikes to do more than flash KD you. Also Cerrone is probably the first guy since Jose Aldo that Conor's had to be mindful of walking into smoke with the legs. Also Cerrone's been campaigning at 170 lbs on and off since 2016 and so you have to assume if this is about being comfortable at the weight class, he's got the nod over Conor.

3- Under normal circumstances, I'd say "I think Conor's defensive wrestling is somewhat understated and the idea that anybody can take him down and sub him is a fallacy" but I also have ZERO idea if he's actually done any serious grappling training or if he's just hoping Cerrone's going to play nice and strike with him for a bit.

4- Which fight is more undesirable for Amanda Nunes; a Holly Holm rematch where she can't realistically top what she did in the first fight or a Rocky Pennington rematch where she'll be tasked with trying to sell/expand upon one of her most boring fights ever?

5- I wonder who is more broken in theory between Holm and Pennington. Rocky looked to be on the verge of going from solid WMMA fighter to a damn good top 5-ish woman at 135 lbs after dominating Meisha Tate but she broke her leg, took a lot of time off, followed that up with a dud vs Amanda Nunes and then got stalled out by Germaine de Randamie. She rebounded with a win over Irene Aldana which almost felt more about Aldana being a putz and less about any sort of sign of a rebound for Rocky. It's worth remembering that the fight vs Holm was the one that got sort of signified that Rocky was better than people realized but it required her to pressure for fifteen minutes and that's sort of gone away for her recently. As for Holm? She's fought Rousey, Cyborg, Tate, Shevchenko and Nunes. She's pushing 40. She had an extensive boxing history that suggests she's taken plenty of damage. She just got KO'd for the first time in her UFC run the last time out and at this point it's fair to ask if Holm's durability is going to be shot.  This fight is why Aspen Ladd figuring shit out is really important for this division.

6- Maurice Green and Alexey Olenik being on this main card is curious until you realize that this main card has two WMMA fights and a fight at lightweight on it. Sometimes beef gets called in to "bulk" up the main card.

7- Anthony Pettis sure picked a fine week to announce a UFC lawsuit, am I right?

8- Let's talk about how great these prelims are for a second. Sodiq Yusuff vs Andre Fili is a battle of exciting prospect and proven veteran with a multitude of ways to win. Nasrat Haqparast vs Drew Dober is a battle of exciting prospect vs proven veteran with a multitude of ways to win. Maycee Barber vs Roxanne Modafferi almost feels like the potential crowning of Maycee as a 125 lb contender by taking on a former title contender who STYLISTICALLY will at least give us a reason to double check her ability to do things such as defend takedowns and deal with pressure. Lastly I REALLY do love this fight between Chas Skelly and Grant Dawson as Dawson has slowly gone from somewhat awkward wrestling savant to a more well rounded pressure fighter while Chas Skelly is one of those ultimate gatekeeper types for young fighters. These are all great fights worthy of going out of your way to see on ESPN.

9- We're four years now into the Alexa Grasso project and I still don't know if she has the fight smarts to ever take the next step in her career. A good test vs a declining Claudia Gadelha who still has something to offer.

10- How much ya wanna bet Maurice Green allows Olenik to pull him down on top of him?

11- Justin Ledet's run at 205 lbs has been weird as his lack of athleticism for the weight class plus what feels like an odd lack of strength (How he was burly enough to fight at HW but gets chucked around at 205 lbs is a mystery to me) has made him go 0-2 in the division. After a lengthy lay off, he's back at 205 lbs against Aleksa Camur. Camus is a training partner of Stipe Miocic and he got in here off the Contenders Series where he had a crazy fight that exposed him to be a) wacky as all hell and b) a bit too raw for my liking in the UFC. This feels pretty winnable for Spirit of Truth lookalike Ledet.

12- Ode Osbourne vs Brian Kelleher is an early FOTY candidate to me.

[marvalinafangheart]

Why are you?

Water droplets drip from the ceiling, the liquid ice cold. Slowly they drip, drip, drip on to Marvalina’s face. She stirs in her sleep not fully aware of where she is.

“Kassie...can you feed the baby this time?” She shifts on the ground the dirt and mud mushing under her fingernails. The rattling of the chains around her wrists and ankles slowly brining her back to reality.

Marvalina slowly opens her eyes, fluttering as she peers into the dim light of some kind of subterranean cave. Her vision blurred, her head pounding she reaches up and lightly touches the back of her head, “What the..?” Feeling around through her hair she feels dried blood. A large scab on her scalp.

She looks around trying to get a feel for her surroundings, “How long have I been down here? Where is here?” There is a groaning coming from about five feet away. Marv looks over to the sound, “Who is there?”

THe groaning grows a little louder, “Marvie? You’re awake?” Marvalina finally recognizes the voice, Nathaniel.”

“No, I am just really good at talking in my sleep.” She tries to get on her knees but a shooting pain runs through her legs and she lets out a small yelp. Looking down she can see that both her legs are severely disfigured...broken. Using just her arms she finds the wall she is chained to and leans against it. Picking up her legs she butes her lip through the pain, “How long have we been down here Nate?”

“I got no clue. He has been bringing meals at even intervals. If I had to guess ...I would say a week. Maybe two.”

“Well at least he is feeding us…”

“Yeah- just don’t ask what it is.”

“Wasn’t gonna. Not my first time being locked up.” She holds up her hands to get a better look at her chains, she focuses her energy and to make a brighter light only for runes to ignite on the shackles burning her wrist and ankle. She lets out a small scream.

“Marv? Are you okay?”

Marv stops focusing and drops her hands, “Yeah- yeah was just testing something out…” She rests her head on the cave wall, “How long until the next meal?”

“Twenty minutes.” Nate’s chains rattle.

Marvalina sighs and stares at the one source of light. A low flaming torch. A tear falls down her cheek, removing the dirt that covers her face, “We’re gonna die aren’t we…”

“If he was going to outright kill us he would have done it already.” 

Marv closes her eyes, “If somehow you get free… get to Stormwind. There is a group they aren’t all that hard to find called the Collective Company. They will know what to do. I won’t die here. It is not my time but, I don’t want to be trapped in a cage again.”

Nate shuffles around in the darkness, “You’re gonna get out of here Marvie. I will make sure of it.” He sits there in the darkness for a long time, “So- Uh-- You mentioned kids earlier before we got knocked out ...are they-” His voice sounds awkward, “How old are they?”

Marv chuckles and smiles a little bit to herself, “Don’t worry. You are off the hook for child support.” She groans as she sits up a little straighter feeling her legs to see if she can at least temporarily fix them, “They are the product of- an asshole. Wants nothing to do with me or them.” She runs her hand through her hair, “I got two boys, Zandryl and Malaas. And three girls. Varmillia, Jaemere, Aellae.”

“You had five kids...in the few years since you have been away ...what the hell woman?” He chuckles and shakes his head.

“I got knocked up with Zan and Millie, and then their father left. Towards the end of my pregnancy I met a Draenei woman named Kasernia, who was pregnant with the other three and we uh- got married.” She stays silent for a moment, “Sorry.”

“For what?”

“Getting married. But to be fair, one I had no idea who you were. Well I mean I had forgotten. My memories were taken from me and secondly. I thought everyone from my past was you know. Dead.”

“I don’t blame you for moving on Marvie. I thought you were dead too. Although gotta say a little surprised you are into women- that way.”

Marv shrugs, “I wasn’t really. Until you know- I met her.”

“What is she like?”

“Now there is probably the hardest question I have ever been asked. She- Kassie...she is. Well she is wonderful. When we met I was just elected to a council. And there was a jackass there who- let’s say he doesn’t like my kind. Thought I wasn’t worthy to sit at the table and make decisions, because I am a Worgen and a woman. Well, when he was removed and vowed to come back and take my seat. She took my gun, followed him out the door, shot him at point blank range. All because he insulted me.” She chuckles, “She is fierce. Takes no shit. But- honestly one of the most loving people I have ever met. Just- the way she accepted Zan and Millie, with their condition and everything. And the way she lets me be free. She is the best wife and mother to our children I could have hoped for. Kassie, definitely deserves every spec of treasure, silks, and gold I can get my hands on. I do it all for her.”

Nate raises an eyebrow even though Marv can’t see, “Treasure? What is the sweet little seamstress I knew a pirate now or something?”

Marv shrugs the rattling of her chains echoing through the room, “I prefer- liberator of goods and gold.”

Nate shakes his head a small smile in his voice, “What the hell happened to you Marvalina?”

“I got sold into slavery. That’s what happened. Got everything I had ever known taken away from me by force. Now,  when I want something, I take it, striking off the chains of those held against their will in the process.” She holds up her arms and wiggles, “Current situation of course being the obvious exception.”

Footsteps slowly start to approach the cavern the two are in. Nate scoots himself closer to Marv finally coming into the light. He looks worse than she does. Marvalina looks over and notices he has several large gashes along his face and is now missing one of his ears. She looks away and stares at the makeshift cell door.

The door slowly opens up and standing before them, her brother Ricgard. Dressed in a well fit Gilnean suit, his hair slicked back and whatever injuries he had sustained from Nate’s torture have completely cleared up with the exception of a small cut under his left eye. His hands rest behind his back out of sight. He steps into the dim light.

“You’re both finally awake at the same time. I got to say, torturing someone who is unresponsive isn’t as much fun as I thought it would be.”

Marvalina fights against her chains only causing the pain to intensify, “I am going to give you one warning to let me out of here, Richard.”

“Oh and what are you going to do to me huh? That already hasn’t been performed by your former lover.”

“I could think of a few things. I have gotten a lot more creative since living under your thumb.”

Richard walks up to here squatting down just out of reach. His eyes looking over her form and they land on her left hand. Her wedding ring, made of permafrost, reflecting the orange light in the room, “Oh I am sure you have.” He stands up slowly.

In a flash his hand reaches out grabbing her left wrist. She tries to fight and remove herself from his grasp but it only tightens. The bones in her wrist cracking as they are squished together. He smiles down at her his teeth gnarled and discolored. His smile and eyes showing nothing but pure evil, the glint in his eyes putting the Burning Legion to shame. His other hand slides out from its hiding place. A rusty pair or sewing shears rests in them. 

Time seems to move in slow motion for Marvalina as he opens the blades, bringing them to rest above her wedding ring. Marvalina is determined to show no fear. She growls and meets his gaze, “I promise. Whatever you do to me...I will make sure you burn for it. You’ll die screaming.”

He leans down his face inches from Marvalina’s, “Not before I hear yours, Little Sister.” Without hesitation he closes the shears shut severing the phalange from the rest of her hand.

Marvalina growls and lets out a small scream, the blade not making a clean cut. The wound jagged and bleeding. He lets go of her wrist and she holds her hand with her other, “I swear on our parents' grave. When I get out of here...you will know no peace by my hand. I will show you no mercy.” 

Richard picks up the finger and looks at the ring. The engraving on the side now visible to him, “To my puppydog. Love your snugglegoat, Kasernia.” He smiles and examines the finger, “So sweet. You married a Draenei. Oh how far you have fallen from being human, Marvalina. How far. I think I will send this to her, let her know you live for now.”

Marv now fights against her chains with everything she’s got, “You stay away from her you sick son of a bitch. You lay a hand on her- I’ll show you just how much of an animal I really am.” Marv can’t control it. She shifts as she fights against her chains. Copper fur sprouting from everywhere. Her teeth and bones getting longer and healing. Snarling at her brother she growls, “I’ll rip your throat out and eat it as you lay there and watch.” One of her claws now missing her feet sink into the ground pushing the dirt into small mounds.

Richard walks to the cell door, “I’ll be sure to tell her you say, hello.” closing the door with a loud slam behind him.

Marvlaina turns around pressing her foot against the wall for leverage she yanks against her chains until flesh itself is being ripped off. Blood pouring down her hands and onto the floor. A small puddle getting bigger and bigger as each minute passes. 

Nate is saying something but she can’t hear it. All she can hear is the blood pumping in her ears. Her mind imagining the sounds of her wife and children screaming. She doesn’t even seem to notice her vision failing. She falls to the ground as she looses blood, “I-I can’t...I can’t die here ...I'm not supposed to die here. Fire- songs of the beautiful ...the sea. Kas...K-kas…” 

As her heart slows from blood loss the last thing she hears before she passes out is Nate screaming her name.

[crazy-loca-blog]

Personal thoughts on Sunkissed, Ch. 1-2

Note: As the title says, these are just personal opinions on Choices books and chapters. Of course, you may agree or disagree with them, I only use this platform to express my thoughts on what I read every week and what I’d like to see in the next chapters, because none of my friends play Choices so I have no one to comment the books with.

Yeah, another romance book, you may say. Let’s be honest. Most of the time I love my job and I’m truly blessed to be able to work in my field of expertise, but sometimes I have to do things that maybe I don’t enjoy that much (and I have to swallow my pride) just because I have a dog to feed and a rent to pay. So even though I’m pretty sure that the writers would love to try new genders for us to enjoy new stories, there’s a bossy voice that tells them “romance sells!”, and they just have to swallow their pride and keep writing romance stories.

Sunkissed seems to be PB’s latest attempt to do a seasonal book. It definitely gives me those Home for the Holidays vibes mixed with some Big Sky Country plot, especially when it comes to the mother/sister issue (does anyone else feel the Brooklynne/Duck vibes here?). Also, it also looks like this has been thought as a standalone book since the very beginning (nothing wrong with it, let’s just remember how perfect VOS is despite of not being a series). So nope, no matter how much we love or hate the story by the end of the book, I don’t think we’re getting a series here (but you never know… I never thought BSC would get a second book or AME would get a third book… and I expected still expect Perfect Match to be a trilogy!).

So far, I think the family issues and how they face it together is what I like the most about this book. Alexis is the sweetest, and you may realize that our mom just wants the best for everyone despite her sadness for losing her husband. However, things felt a bit rushed. In the very first interaction with Nate, our MC tells him her mom and her sister have a difficult relationship, our dad also writes about it in the letter, and Alexis herself mentions that she hasn’t properly spoken to mom for about a year now, so at first sight, this looks like a huge problem. But then, after a few scenes, it seems like all it took to reunite Alexis and mom was a pool party and a mocktail contest… like really? I assume in future chapters we’ll be having some huge fight where everyone will speak their minds and we’ll get to know what happened at dad’s funeral… I mean, we always expect to have some serious drama and this is supposed to be a broken family, isn’t it?

As per the LIs, sorry, but none of them seem appealing to me. Of course, I can change my mind in future chapters (I usually end up choosing a LI anyways in order to make my chapters longer, ha!), but if you ask me right now, I don’t feel attached to any of them yet. I even find some of them a little… arrogant, maybe? We have Nate, the hot Baywatch-type lifeguard who flirted with us since the very first moment and tried to have some alone time with us while we were in the middle of a family bonding activity at the art gallery (seriously dude?!?! That was so out of place!!); then there is the beautiful and smart Eliana that, in my opinion, made our MC look dumb when she said she didn’t go to some aquarium exhibition because “she was busy studying it in the field” (it really broke my heart because the MC was remembering her dad, I personally felt it like an unintended low blow); and finally we have Samson, who’s definitely the sweetest among the three LIs and the one that seems to have more in common with our MC (she has already shown her art skills when repairing the sign and when talking about art with mom). So after meeting all three LIs, I think I will be more focused in the Kersey family issues than in my MC’s love life (sorry MC! But no one has died for staying single one summer!)

I guess in future chapters we’ll go deep on what we saw at the art gallery. Nobody knows who the “local artist” is, but I guess he’s somehow related to our MC’s dad. Maybe he is the one who painted them and the exhibition is kind of this last wish? The paintings appeared about a year ago (that’s around the time dad passed away) but have been painted by some local for a long time now (Nate actually says some paintings look like they were painted 30 years ago). Also, mom felt personally connected to them… in a different (and probably deeper) level. And let’s not forget about the treasure map… I’m pretty sure we’ll have to pay to collect the map pieces and I don’t know if it will be worthy yet as the book doesn’t mention anything special besides “the treasure”. If we compare it to other books, (for example, in RCD we’re getting our friends’ backstories if we get the posters or in BB book 1 we get a great extra scene if we complete the picture) this description seems poor an vague, but it may become interesting in future chapters.

Overall, I’m not quite convinced yet. I guess in the end, time will tell. Some people say we have a new Passport to Romance here. As I said earlier in the post, I see this more like a HFTH/BSC type of book. Personally, I don’t expect it to be a masterpiece, but I hope to see a nice, fun book that gives me some summer vibes during my cold winter (because, you know, south hemisphere here!)

[crushingonguysfrombooks]

One of Us is Lying by Karen McManus

If I had to describe this book in a sentence, I'd say it's like the Breakfast Club meets Pretty Little Liars. It was delicious, thrilling, and addicting all rolled into one delightful treat. When I began to read the book, I thought it'd hit all the major cliches and be filled with awful teenage writing. WRONG! The characters were dynamic, the plot was well-paced, and the thrills kept me at the edge of my seat. The whole time I swear I thought I knew who had committed the crime and I firmly believed I had figured out the entire plot. WRONG AGAIN. Every time I thought I knew what would happen, BAM! Another juicy twist would send us spiraling further into craziness. McManus did a great job of making me suspect all the kids at some point (Except one but I won't name that person). They all had motive, and I was constantly backtracking on who I thought was the killer. By the end I truly thought I had figured it out. Who it ends up being and how it all ties together is splendidly done and I applaud McManus for the sneakiness. My jaw legit dropped to the ground guys. The ending was a bit open-ended but I was completely fine with that. Most of the storylines get wrapped up and you have a general sense of where the book is headed. I am quite disappointed we only get one book here, but admittedly, this could only be a one book story. Bronwyn Rojas - My favorite character in the entire book because I could relate to her in many ways. She was kind, she was intelligent, and she was fearless. Her character was well developed transforming from the meek smart girl to a kick ass leader. She was the Spencer of the group. Nate Macauley - YES NATE! He was so charming and swoon worthy, I absolutely loved him. The bad boy with a heart of gold always wins me over. And of course he also had to win the affections of a certain brainiac. I whole heartedly shipped Bronwyn & Nate and prayed that McManus wouldn't ruin their love. Thankfully, I was not disappointed. Their romance was seductive and forbidden, but I was all for it. Nate was a lot like Alex Fuentes from Perfect Chemistry by Simone Elkeles - if you haven't read it, you must! He's in a bunch of crappy situations but tries to find a way out of the hole and into the sunlight. I lived for Nate & Bronwyn! Addy Prentiss - The Hannah of the group, beautiful and popular. Addy changed in unexpected but refreshing ways by the end. Although I kind of wish she would've gone a different route than the one she choose, I understand why McManus wrote her in that particular way. I will say that Addy was a strong character and although she was frail in the beginning, you get to see her blossom into her own person. Cooper Clay - I was definitely shocked by his twist. In hindsight I should've seen it coming but I was thrown for a loop once I figured it out. I also adored Cooper - he's the Emily, nice to everyone and willing to help out. Cooper is the All-American golden boy with a bright future in athletics but that does not stop him from branching out and paving his own roads. The situation with his dad is tough and I really felt for the poor guy. However I was glad to see how his story ends. I took off a star because there were a few inconsistencies within the book. Mainly I had an issue with Jake's character because I felt he completely flipped. He was supposed to be this great guy whose kind, charming, and generous but all I saw were the negative quality. I think what may have happened was that we first saw him as Addy did and then slowly, his true personality begins to unravel. I just thought it was weird for him to suddenly hate Addy and be so cruel to her when he was supposed to be the Ken to her Barbie etc etc. Overall, it was a fulfilling and quick read. Perfect for anyone who likes thriller, romance, and mystery. I look forward to reading more from this author.

[girlonadyinghorse]

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for every @ i get, i have to tag someone i love/look up to!  || accepting

@thedragoninthesnow / @tamedbythesun and your billion blogs : Dee is one of the first friends I made here and one that stuck around (which is rare enough to be mentioned). She made my experience in this fandom a bliss and I love her to the moon and back. I honestly don’t think my adventure on this blog would have been complete without her. She is so talented and I don’t know how she can write all those different characters and do such an amazing job. If that is not talent, then I don’t know what is.   

@dcrnishdragcn / @righteousinwrath : Mari is the other love of my life. I will forever be grateful for the day she messaged me on an old blog of mine about wanting to make a Daryn. The rest was history. Seriously I feel like we have been friends forever and I love her with all my heart. She is so brave to play a minor character like Daryn and she does it so well. She fleshed him out from almost nothing. It speaks volume of her talent as a writer. She has been an amazing support for me ooc this year and I am so glad that we are back writing together in this fandom.

@ladyoftheneck : Even if she is not active anymore, she belongs on the list. Talking about  friends, Val is my oldest friend here. We met back in 2014 when I first had this blog and we kept in touch ever since. Meera and Alys were the cutest and we had the best threads. I miss her loads and she is such an incredible writer and person. I am hashtag blessed to have her in my life. 

@motherofbearcubs : Becky also amazes me with her billion blogs and so much talent. I tagged her on Alysane because that woman and character is pure perfection ! You people have no idea how much I enjoy seeing Becky’s portrayal on my dash. Alysane/Alys is the purest brotp and I live for women supporting other women ! 

@princessbcrn : Mel is as sweet as Myrcella ! I am always excited to see her on the dash and I am thankful she is giving us a Myrcella to write with. She is such an underrated character and it is awesome to have Mel’s version of that cutie around. 

@feastforthecrown : Leah is my fellow countrywoman and an amazing writer ! She is not active anymore but I wanted to acknowledge her anyway. Because she is so talented and I know how hard it can be to write in another language. I miss her and the funniest and purest rivalry between her Robb and Alys. It was the realest feud, reality tv worthy !   

@rcseheir : Sophie is a real sweetheart and so strong to stick around after all that has happened to her. I really enjoy her portrayal of Willas and I am always happy when I see her on the dash. She definitely deserves to have positive things said about her. 

@zaldrizotala : We have not talked a lot but the few times I approached Sharona she was nothing but kind. I know she is extremely popular and has so many followers but she remains gracious and friendly. She deserves all the praises because she is incredibly talented and also a good person. Plus html and photoshop queen who has helped me a few times. 

@pensivethejust  : I have only just met Lloyd but he is a cutie. He is very nice and very friendly ooc. I love talking to him. He is also a pretty talented writer and I was freaking out when I saw his blog had followed me because I love Narnia so much. He did not disappoint.  

@davosshorthand : Just like DADVOS, Rachel is such a kind and positive presence in this fandom. Her portrayal is on point. I was highkey fangirling the first time I came across her blog because Davos has always been one of my favourite characters. Rachel does him justice and it is a blessing to have her on the dash.

@kingwhocared : Paola is one of those extremely beloved blogs which I am always surprised to be mutual with. Not to throw shades at native speakers but people like Paola who have such a beautiful writing in a second language, deserve all the applause. I am also grateful she chose to write an unpopular and underrated character. I love seeing Stannis on my dash and I think her portrayal is beyond amazing. 

@mhysaoffire : There are many Daenerys around and I am always amazed at how they each are incredibly talented and have their own unique take on the character. Weirdly, Tea and I have not interacted even though we have been mutuals for a while. But I always enjoy their portrayal on my dash. We must do stuff together soon !

@meleabra : Another cool kid who deserves all of of her followers. Cat is astonishingly talented and brave to be writing Melisandre. It is not a conventional choice of muse and I am forever happy to see her being portrayed on my dash. Cat does an amazing job with her.  

@worshipsonlydeath​ : Mitchi is a long-time mutual who I also wish I interacted with more. The few times we talked she was a real sweetie, nice™. Like all the people on this list, her portrayal is beyond amazing. Arya is such a complex character and she does her justice. I stalk her from afar.  

@maidofwinter : I will always remember our chat and hc about modern Sansa and Alys blackmailing their brothers to take the see Justin Bieber. Those gave me life ! Once again we surprisingly talked quite often but did little writing together. Which is a shame because she is one of the best Sansa’s blogs around. Also member of the amazing writer in their second language club.  

@thelostwildwolf : Could have been on this list just because her muse is a cutie and I adore the Stark children. But Rory also deserves to be here because she is a prodigious writer. I stalk her threads and it never fails to give me feels. She is so talented and I am grateful to have a Rickon around.  

@astormcrow​ : Last but not least, my other french friend ! I think we kinda never do in character stuff but we do talk out of character. It is so nice to have another frenchie around. Mia is a cutie and another amazing girl who writes in a second language perfectly and who chose to portray an underrated muse. I love to see Daario on the dash and read her beautiful threads.  

[pass-the-bechdel]

Leverage full series review

How many episodes pass the Bechdel test?

75.32% (fifty-eight of seventy-seven).

What is the average percentage of female characters with names and lines for the full series?

34.48%

How many episodes have a cast that is at least 40% female?

Twenty-six.

How many episodes have a cast that is at least 50% female?

Four.

How many episodes have a cast that is less than 20% female?

Four.

Positive Content Status:

Rarely of much note, but in overall context it is more of a positive experience than not (average rating of 3.02).

Which season had the best representation statistics overall?

Seasons four and five come in about even. Despite doing worse on the Bechdel than any of the first three seasons, they win the day on the strength of their content ratings and the percentage of female characters who exist. Worthy.

Which season had the worst representation statistics overall?

Season three drops the ball the most by turning in the lowest percentage of female characters; it is a close race though, and none of the five seasons are especially far ahead or behind the rest.

Overall Series Quality:

Wild - one of the weaker beginnings that I’ve seen, and one of the stronger endings. They take longer to learn from their mistakes than most shows do, but it’s an incredibly charming product once they finally find their way, and not awful before that, either. I’m glad I stuck with it.

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) under the cut:

Truth: I put off writing this final piece for Leverage for a looong time, still kinda struggling for what to say even after deferring commentary somewhat excessively toward the end there. It really, truly shocked me, how well this show came together by the end compared to the laborious troubles of its beginning. It’s doubly shocking because the list of things which changed significantly over the course of the show is so short: Nate stopped dominating the story as much, and mellowed concurrently. And the writers finally figured out how to fully embrace the found-family team dynamic, most critically allowing it to form the backbone of the show and be the underpinning thread from one episode to the next, rather than just trimming. At the end of the day, that’s really all it took. Stop trying so damn hard to make your shitty leading man the centre of attention, and start showcasing the vital trust and companionship which springs from a well-functioning working unit. I mean, put that way, it’s really only one thing that changed. But damn, it’s a whopper.

As much fun as it is to watch evil corporations and such topple, and as fulfilling as a good con story can be, at the end of the day the thing that your audience keeps coming back for is character engagement, and the same as one bad apple can spoil the bunch, it’s hard to nourish the attentions of your audience if they don’t feel the sense of continuity which accompanies developing character relationship dynamics. You can’t background that stuff - it’s what gives your story a sense of chronology even without constant references to past events to keep things in order. This effect can be noted in the first season, which evidently was aired all sorts of out-of-order and which I watched and reviewed that way unknowingly: looking at the intended episode order instead of the broadcast, I honestly don’t think it would have helped much, if any, in improving the viewing experience. After all, there was never a moment when I suspected the order of my viewing was incorrect, and that was because - as I loudly complained at the time - I had almost no sense of who these characters actually were outside of the immediate present of a given episode, and even when an episode offered backstory I didn’t feel like they were really revealing much about how it impacted the character as a person. Moments such as Hardison consoling Parker about her difficult foster-care upbringing were shining lights in the dark, because it wasn’t just the show telling us something outright about a character - the sharing of the moment between the two was what gave it emotional resonance by using it as a relationship-building opportunity. Continuity of character experience reinforced via developing dynamics. Can’t do without it.

One could try to argue that of course the show got better at this as it went on; the characters have more history to build on, the more time they spend together. But good development doesn’t just come from time spent; as a storyteller you have to be aware that relationships begin at first contact. There’s no minimum period of time people have to spend together in order to start developing a dynamic, it’s automatic. Exchanged pleasantries with your waiter? Dynamic begun. Pizza delivery person is the same as several months ago, and you both recognise that, thereby recollecting the previous meeting and building upon it with this second encounter, even if all it is is a comment? Dynamic development. In a tv show where characters are interacting meaningfully and extensively episode after episode, the dynamics should be stark and rapidly changing right there in those first several episodes as the characters get to know one another. They have opinions, personality conflicts, they’re establishing trust (or distrust), they’re overcoming negative first impressions or being disappointed when their positive first impressions fall through, or maybe their first impressions prove correct and so they spend those early episodes having their feelings vindicated. Whatever the case, they’re processing the change to their life which is this new person, and there is no such thing as not creating a relationship. Keep everyone at arm’s length, be icy and difficult to connect with, make no friends? That’s a dynamic, yo. And in Leverage’s case, it seemed to take the writers an awful long time to realise that presenting the characters and saying ‘they’re like this’ and then doing nothing to explore the changes inherent in entering a new context with a team of new people is not really good enough. The team dynamics were there, the actors knew it, but it took the showrunners the better part of half the series to start actively working with it. 

Which, y’know, all of the above is still fucking baffling to me. How do you forget to write team dynamics? How does that happen? Then again, they also forgot to give Sophie her own personal story arc to play out onscreen until she started theatre-directing on the side in season five, so. Credit where it’s due, and I’m placing all of it squarely on the shoulders of the actors because I’m still not convinced the showrunners knew what they were doing at all and if I heard that the actors had to really push for their personal stories and relationship building, I would not be even a little surprised. Nate may become more bearable as the show stops focusing on him so intensely, but he doesn’t actually become a good or intriguing character, and Sophie’s theatre is honest-to-goodness the most compelling thing about her as a character for the simple fact that it’s something of her, her as a person, not as the grifter skillset that wins her a place on the show, and not as Nate’s emotional crutch or the ‘team mom’. Something just for Sophie, a passion just for her that isn’t about how she relates to any of the other major players. I like Sophie, but especially when viewed through the lens of this blog, she’s not a strong effort and I am entirely unsurprised by the fact that my encounters with the Leverage fandom prior to watching the show did not feature her (or Nate) at all. 

It seems to be a truth universally acknowledged that Leverage’s superpower was always the OT3 of Parker, Hardison, and Eliot, even in the early days when they were only intermittently given something to do. Parker was achieving interest factor from the get-go, though it took a while for her to overcome the writers’ insistence on framing her personality like a gimmick instead of, y’know, a personality. Christian Kane has got a charm to which I am deathly susceptible, and he made Eliot fun to watch even when he was given next to nothing to work with, and Aldis Hodge is the real MVP in my eyes for instilling such an unwavering personality in Hardison that no amount of poor writing could whittle him away. The three of them together had a delightful chemistry that shone instantly whenever they were allowed to work together (and again, I wonder at why the fuck it took the Powers That Be half a series to figure that out), and they squeezed every last drop they could out of that chemistry in order to craft a team dynamic despite the apparent indifference of the writing staff. Cons are fun. Taking down evil bigwigs is satisfying. But you don’t watch five season of a show for that; you do it because you love watching the team work. The teamwork. Not just the people, not just the job; the dynamic of functional interplay between the two. In this regard the show ends in exactly the right place, because Nate and Sophie - though no doubt loved in their own spheres of fandom - were not the primary team drawcard. The OT3 was where the party was at, and they’re the only reason I’d recommend the show to others, or rewatch it myself. From the perspective of representation, I can’t pretend that this is a show that is likely to be fulfilling - just not grossly offensive - but I can say that, despite my griping, from an entertainment perspective Leverage is worthy of your time. Or at least 3/5ths of it is.

[blkwidowsweb]

A Conversation with Summer Oasis Guest DJ Righteous!

In a musical world that's full of egos and attitudes, it is refreshing to come across a talented, humble spirit that's hungry to do his thing. DJ Righteous embodies all of that.  Born and raised in Chicago and now making his home in Detroit, DJ Righteous is excited to be making his Summer Oasis Debut! I had a chance to chat with him about his career, his background in Spoken Word and his thoughts on his Summer Oasis Debut!

Black Widow:  Did you have a lot of music in your home growing up?  What were some of those influences?

DJ Righteous:  My grandmother always played Latin music like Celia Cruz and Tito Puente and my mom was an avid jazz enthusiast. I personally love Stevie Wonder, Roy Ayers, Earth Wind and Fire and of course, Chaka Khan!!! I love her forever! [Laughter] Those were all big influences.

Black Widow:  What was your introduction to House Music? When did you decide you wanted to DJ?

DJ Righteous:   I’d have to say Ron and Nate Carroll and these guys who were aspiring DJs in my neighborhood, The Harris Brothers.    Ron Carroll used to bring records to school whenever we would have our parties.  He would play these songs and we just fell in love with them.  Then of course, I was listening to the radio WBMX and the Hot Mix 5. 

Black Widow:  Are you a self-taught DJ?

DJ Righteous:  I learned by putting records together. [LAUGHTER] Definitely self-taught.

Black Widow:  In doing these interviews I always find it interesting to listen to how DJs select music. Typically, the longer someone has been DJing they tend to have a very specific process of how they choose and select music.  You come from the era were DJs were actually looking for music, going thru crates and such.

DJ Righteous:  Oh absolutely, you had to dig and look for music. There was an art to digging for records. You didn’t want to play what everyone else was playing. You wanted to find that nugget and play that.  You tried to find something fly.  You start off digging through your mom’s stack and your dad’s stack. Then when you were able to afford it, you got to digging in the records stores.   I was always looking for records. I still do. 

Black Widow:   How does that affect how you choose music now? It’s different since we are mostly digital nowadays.

DJ Righteous:  Honestly, I very seldom go to Traxsource unless it’s something I just have to have. 

Black Widow:  Like a Black Widow release! [LAUGHTER]

DJ Righteous:  OH FOR SURE! All your stuff! [LAUGHTER]  I try to go to different sites but I also still dig.  I play a lot of digital music but I also still buy vinyl. I order vinyl. It’s just a lot of stuff that you just cannot get digitally. It doesn’t matter where I go; I try to dig for records!  I don’t want to sound like anyone else and for me, especially coming back into this scene, I thought that was the formula. I thought I had to sound like “this” in order for people to book me. When I really found my own voice and flipped the script, that’s when things really started happening for me.

Black Widow:   I definitely relate.  When I started doing poetry, I thought I had to sound a certain type of way.  When you are new and coming into this scene, it can be a challenge if you don’t find your voice.  

DJ Righteous:  Yeah I got that a lot as a poet too!  You and I have similar stories!  That’s why I used to call my stuff “Unapologetic poetic”.  You either accept it or reject it but you gotta respect it.  People I grew up with had no idea I was an undercover lover of Haki Madhubuti, Sonia Sanchez, Nikki Giovanni but I grew up on the south side and we weren’t spitting poetry in the streets you know?

Black Widow:  Absolutely!   Finding your voice and your own style comes with time as you evolve. There has been a lot of discussion about the categorization of house music.  It’s disco, soulful, classics, afro etc.  Do you subscribe to that? If not, what are your thoughts on the sub genres of house music?

DJ Righteous:   For me personally, I love unscripted melodies. It’s disco, house, soulful, afro beats. It’s everything.  I like my sets like gumbo.    I want to take people on a journey of sounds. I like to give them textures. For me that’s has helped my evolution as a DJ.  

Black Widow:   It’s about giving your audience a good mix and honestly, it’s such a personal thing. I see it in my friends who are DJs.  I can see them through the music they play. That’s what gravitates me to certain DJs. They give me a piece of them when they play.   I don’t want a DJ to just give me what I want. Give me you.  It the same as a writer/poet, I want to give you a piece of myself thru my art.  That requires a certain amount of vulnerability. 

DJ Righteous: That’s that authenticity!  I completely get it!

Black Widow:  A lot of people don't know you have an extensive background as a Spoken Word Artist. 

DJ Righteous:  Yeah.  I'm known as Righteous Knowledge in those circles.  I remember my 1st open mic was on 35th & King Drive in 1999/2000.  I wasn’t spitting at the time I was just coming because I enjoyed it.  About two years later, I really started writing and we had a group called Third Eye Open Poetry Collective. We started our group on May 19th 2002 and we used that date in particular in the spirit of Malcolm X and The Last Poets.  I remember meeting Umar Bin Hassan from The Last Poets and he said that the only way we could use that date was if we show and prove we were worthy of that date. We started performing at festivals and open mics and a year later we had our anniversary show with The Last Poets.  It was so dope!  Fred Hampton Jr and his mother came.   From there, I traveled all around the country performing at colleges and universities, opening up for Common, Eryka Badu, KRS One, ICE-T, Big Daddy Kane, Public Enemy.  I’ve performed at the Essence music festival twice.  My spoken word history is deep.  

Black Widow:  Wow!  Has you being a spoken word artist influenced you as a DJ? Do you approach DJing differently because you have a writing background? 

DJ Righteous:  From a writer’s perspective, I write my poems like puzzles. It's putting those pieces together.  As a DJ selecting music I approach it the same way. Sometimes, I challenge myself not to play a particular song, even when I know it will get the people going.  You don’t want to be the DJ that people know what you are going to play before you play it. You don’t want to be predictable.  With writing and selecting music, it’s a very similar process.  I don’t have a folder or formula.  I go with what I feel. That is what helps me the most in both, playing and writing exactly what I feel.  Like I said earlier, I used to think I had to play and sound a certain way. When I started to just play what I felt, the people felt it as well.   If I ain’t feeling it, I’m not playing it.   How are your people going to feel it if you don’t?  I’m going to rock out whether it’s 10 people or 1000s of people.  I have to.

Black Widow:  Let’s talk about Summer Oasis.  What makes Summer Oasis special and different?

DJ Righteous:  Because I’m a first timer. I’ve watched from afar. I think what makes it different is that it’s not in your usual location.  This is a location that is historic for us. This is the Martha’s Vineyard of the Midwest, where the heavy hitters came to play back in the day.  It has serenity to it.  When you wake up and look at the lake in the morning, it’s breathtaking and it gives you peace of mind. The fact that I get to play music that started in my hometown at a festival where the greats have all been…it’s just surreal. I get to play house music in Idlewild with people I respect and have been fans of for years.  I feel like a kid in a candy store. I’m just honored and humbled to be a part of this.  I really am!  I can’t wait to express and share my vision with people who may have never heard of me. 

Black Widow:   You know when I was researching Idlewild and its history I was shocked to discover that my grandfather performed regularly at the Idlewild clubs and jazz festivals. Do you have a personal connection to Idlewild as well?

DJ Righteous:  WOW! That’s dope!  Yeah I do actually.     My great grandfather owned a club called Lead Sensations in Detroit.  They used to take artists from Detroit to go to Idlewild all the time.   I’ve also performed in Idlewild twice with the Last Poets.  We did poetry in the woods with The Last Poets and Savion Glover. I’ve been fortunate enough to perform there twice in a different capacity.

Black Widow:  What does the future hold for DJ Righteous?

DJ Righteous: I just want to continue to get booked! I want to do some traveling and have other people hear me play!  I’m just trying to do my best and give my all in what I do. I want to continue to build the brand that is DJ Righteous and continue to learn and grow in this thing called house. 

Black Widow:   I have no doubt that you will. Thank you so much for speaking with me today.  I’m looking forward to hearing your set at Summer Oasis!

DJ Righteous:  Oh no doubt. It was my pleasure!  I’m really looking forward to it.

The countdown to Summer Oasis is ON!!! I hope you enjoyed this interview with this talented artist! The Summer Oasis Festival Blog Series continues this week with more interviews and a special article on creating the perfect camp kitchen, complete with receipes! Stay tuned to the blog and subscribe to get every article delivered right to your inbox! 

Until next time!

See you at Summer Oasis

Black Widow

[spotlightsaga]

Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews... 60 Days In (S03E03) Trust Issues Airdate: March 16, 2017 Ratings: 0.822 Million :: 0.31 18-49 Demo Share Score: 6/10 **********SPOILERS BELOW********** Initially we had a plan to work in '60 Days In' and parallel the manufactured, fictional Netflix Drama 'Orange is the New Black' with 6DI's authentic, guerrilla style, aggressive reality television meets dramatic docu-series, expose. After a few episodes of OITNB and it's focus on the prison riots and binge-worthy bottleneck type episodic viewing patterns, it was clear that these two weren't a good fit. Each series that Spotlight Saga now covers will be taken to a new height... Last television season we overwhelmed ourselves with the number of projects and frankly that's just not fair to shows that can have a real existential impact on everyone from viewers to participants to the people making the series. Due to an overwhelming response to '60 Days In' we are going to keep pushing, people see and feel the effect a series like this can have on our society and the corrections system at large. It's hard to say if these seasons of 6DI actually affect the jails they take place in, but people are watching, and it's damn well doing something. I've personally talked about reaching out to former inmates and participants of S1 & S2 and readers responding with a lot of questions and comments across the internet & social media, and believe me.. We'll be doing the same with S3 & S4. We've already begun lining up a few, but before we dove directly in, I wanted to make sure I could give this project the attention that it deserved. After two episodes we've already seen 1 person flee the scene when they found out that Louisville was upgraded to Atlanta... And we've only met a few of the show's participants. Take the sign however you want, we believe it to be an obvious cue that S3 was done right and that everyone will be given their fare share of the limelight... An opportunity to make their personal contributions. Despite our assessments of any new volunteer inmates, remember that everyone at Spotlight Saga wishes all participants the best and we all understand that there is truly only so much that Lucky 8 can do to keep the cast as safe as possible. 'Trust Issues' starts with Don. It's been awhile since we've covered the show, but to give a quick catch-up... Don has a problem with any kind of authority but ultimately has honorable intentions. We're only human, y'all. For drama sake, Lucky 8 has somehow made sure that Don ended up with the oldest, wisest, most street savvy inmate in the entire jail, DelRico. Of course DelRico questions Don's cover story. Production and the facilities they work with have failed to come up with truly great cover stories because Don's, like many others are, is weak at best and allows the participant too much wiggle room to say the wrong thing. Don does the best he can to sell it, but it's obvious that DelRico smells blood in the water. Don could be in trouble. Clearly DelRico is lying to him... If he had 30 years on his plate, he'd be in a different zone entirely and be praying for them to take him on into prison. He's testing him, that must be it. Since we're on the subject of terrible cover stories, if A&E wants to continue to do this series, they might want to also have an extensive class beforehand on slang and different terminologies that the inmates might come across or use to make themselves look more adapted to this lifestyle. You don't need to be in jail multiple times to know particular lingo or slang connected to a specific area's 'life of crime'. These contestants are supposed to be 'first timers', not first time ever coming a crime'rs! Street smarts aren't necessarily a problem for Don, however they do seem to be an issue for Calvin. His bunkmate, Dasanique, is also suspicious and it's easy to see why. DelRico might be dangerous, but I think off top that the younger groups pose more of a real threat than the older crowd does. DelRico can easily be swayed by Don's approach to authority, they bond over it and Don uses it to his advantage. It's a smart move. Calvin wants to help so bad but he comes from a different world & more importantly a different place from the soul, so he simply doesn't think like that... 'Roll with it and use what's working.' Calvin is also easily embarrassed... As the CO's call him out for his sloppy bunk keeping skills, he clearly becomes embarrassed and slightly confused. He's blindsided easily and these are things that these younger men notice, whether it's intentional or not... It's a sociological response. Calvin is oblivious that Dasanique thinks that he's a snitch. He's obviously in trouble and the clever tv editors show off their skills and demonstrate just how oblivious he is by splitting an interview where Calvin is telling the producers everything is going well with Dasanique yelling through the vent to other inmates as to what he thinks of Calvin. Clever, editors, real clever... And although I'm legitimately worried about Calvin, as I am all the participants, I believe that Calvin's strong resolve will prove to benefit him in the end. Essentially this is one big set-up episode so we'll have to wait and see, the dominoes are being set, it's now a question as to how they'll fall. Never count anyone out or anyone in. As far as the men as concerned, my personal favorite, Jon, is clearly thinking fast and naturally going with the flow. He's doing exactly as he should... Keeping his head down, his mouth shut, making acquaintances, but keeping them all at an arms length. Jon is keeping his details light and instead of engaging in thorough conversations about details of his charges and present situation, he's engaging in games, or *reluctantly* letting other people talk. Yeah, I'm talking about Deshaun, the babyfaced 'blood' wannabe who is in for crack possession who talks a whole lot... Like a WHOLE LOT. It's funny how the other men cast in the show can't seem to shut up, and on the flipside Jon can't keep the inmates from shutting up and blabbing in public to him. This is just yet another testament that Jon is playing his hand the best way he knows how, while the other men struggle to find their niche and get a grip on balancing adapting to jail life past their cover stories and 'alleged' crimes committed. Nate is the newest edition to the male cast. He's good looking, but he has a bit of 'fish out of water' look to him that worries me intensely. He has military training so those things should and most likely will cancel each other out at some point. The thing is, almost everyone has had some type of degree of difficulty adjusting to either the jail or their cover story. Once these guys are settled and can get past this 'What are you in for?' routine, things will be come much easier and a whole lot less scary. The producers continue to make a conscious decision to downplay Nate's airtime, which leads me to believe that, in fact, he'll have quite a bit in the future... And we all know that Lucky 8 Production Team loves them some military men... I.E their 'Golden Boy' from S1 & S2, Zac Holland (Zachary Baker). The previews lead us us to believe that Nate has trouble ahead, but outside of that bewildered look in his eye that is most likely natural for anyone walking into Fulton County Lockup, I have a feeling he will be just fine. We didn't spend a whole lot of time with the women this episode and that's a shame. I took an immediate liking to Jessica, and she continues to play it smart like Jon is doing among the male population and keeping her down and mainly observing. However, she is showing signs of shock & disbelief that put her resolve in question. I hope that she didn't just check in to get a rare taste of her husband's former life and then bounce... But as I've said before, I have the upmost respect for all involved here. And with only reviewing two episodes (now three), I've already talked to several actual inmates who seem to be trying to turn their negative experiences in Fulton County Jail into positive ones, more on that later... Although on our FB page you can find a YouTube video of Male Inmate Trae, who has created a well-crafted piece of music accompanied by his environmental influences... Check it out '6LUE_ANACONDA'. Unfortunately, Jessica's polarizing bunkmate, Lyric isn't among those few inmates. Although, for the record, if at anytime these articles make their way to Lyric or anyone that knows Lyric hands', I would love to speak with her... She's fascinating. I feel like she's not being shown in a proper light when it comes to her portrayal on television. I don't know Lyric and I'm not pretending I know anything real about Lyric from the brief edits that she's made onto the show, but I feel this weird empathetic connection with her. I am no stranger to jails, juvenile halls, detention centers, group homes, rehabs, or boot camps... I was never in the foster system, so I can't even imagine adding that to the list, but Lyric, to me, comes off as a fascinating and complex individual who never got a fair shake. Now, here she is on the '60 Days In: Atlanta', and she's not being painted in the best of lights either. I hope that that changes or she's put in front of someone who is able to help tell her story because she seems like she is one compelling tale after another. I was so invested with the show while she was on it that I was furious with Iesha as she taunted her into getting physical, then just pulled her hair and threw embarrassing blow after embarrassing blow. Iesha, if these reviews make it your way, you might as well put them down. She reminds me of the bitchy, unruly medium sized dog at the dog park that squares up with every bigger dog she sees. It's sad. Obviously they let this poor excuse for a fight go on for the cameras because no one is truly in danger and Lucky 8 needs some fight scenes to hand into the network. Here ya go, A&E, enjoy! Just as we added Nate to the Male Gen Pop, Mauri (with an I) is added to Female Gen Pop in the South Annex. Mauri is a former corrections officer from a men's state penitentiary. She cares more about her weave than she seems to care about anything else. Then again, I am immediately triggered and understand when she says that if she loses that weave it will make her feel less like of a woman. Essentially she is saying that any potential removal of said weave will play a huge role in dehumanizing her. Just from talking to women of color from various countries (mainly Trinidad and Jamaica, as well as transplants from Caribbean Islands here in Miami) when working on previous articles, particularly about the 'fetishization of black skin and it's psychological and sociological effects', I have a deep understanding that anything that tends to affect some of these women in a way where they feel anything less than a human being is particularly jarring to their senses, more so than other groups of people or gender. We are generally taught to respect women and when women are denied that respect or have had traumatic experiences, particularly fueled by race, it can truly flip the wrong switch. Unfortunately, that switch has almost always been toggled, outside of those born with specific blessings (as Lil Wayne would call them), so it's understandable (at least for me) that Mauri would cling to this specific 'piece of her' as she's being processed and brought in. Also, in a more simplified perspective, said weave may also trouble Mauri excessively because it looks like a glue-on wig and she may have been told it could go either way at intake considering that once she's inside, not everyone knows she's is this program. Mauri ends up keeping the weave/wig and the inmates notice and point it out as soon as she arrives. It's hard to get a read on Mauri as we don't spend a whole lot of time with her, just like her fellow late entrant male counterpart, Nate... But once again, I have made respect for anyone who walked in those doors... I don't care if you were worried about a piece of lint in your pocket that you brought from your house because it gave you a sense of home. People sometimes dismiss or nervously laugh off my more intricate or complicate breakdown of simply human behavior... But that's because the truth, or the mere possibility of that truth, makes people nervous and defensive. That's it for 'Trust Issues', guys. I've attempted to add as much as I possibly can to what I admit to being a 'set-up episode' more than anything. I will continue to try and bring you alternate perspectives that others have yet to bring to the table... And also... RATINGS, I got ratings, which have still not made it to wikipedia or any other source material. I have no idea why... But I'm happy to release them and will be sharing them with TVTime and Twitter now as well. Remember to comment wherever your seeing this article. We love feedback! You can DM us on Tumblr, Facebook, Twitter, Path, and of course... Our #1 Spot and community for likeminded individuals sharing love, comments, reviews, video responses, memes, and art for all our favorite tv shows... TVTime.com! Any private conversations stay private, unless otherwise given permission by the other party involved in any project process gate messaging or video contact. We are no longer affiliated with one specific social network, who isn't fond of our championing of equal rights... Or should I say, the way we go about it. I am, we are... NOT... a divisive group. We only want to trade shoes with our audience and the people on the shows we cover, because everyone deserves a voice, everyone deserves a chance at empathy. We've gotten a lot of messages about 'Too Tall'. Please, remember that we cover this show episodically and refrain from looking at spoilers that could affect our perspective, so please don't send us any either... We are aware of 'Too Tall' and his impact on the series but specifics will come as we tackle each episode... Ending with a finale on the finale, of sorts, with short interviews and extras from the cast. Show love, Get love! -Kevin Cage