#( * — △ ❛ * ･the pretty lies; the ugly truth. 「 inters 」) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cultml · 4 years

Text

Breaking of Now

"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities"

That’s what I should have said to my sister when she asked genuinely what my problem with wearing a mask was. On this occasion I had gotten trapped and was pretty pissed about the whole situation. The week before one of the big retailer announced a mandate masks. Virtue signalling group think as far as I was concerned and assumed, wrongly that if i bought a little more I would have time to finally workaround them. The day the mandate took effect and the day i talked to her, I stopped by one of the more expensive less convenient workaround places to find a mask mandate. An couple hours latter i find out my main grocery store and the others options where going to mandate as well. Online is feeding a different beast and sending someone in my place is out sourcing my acquiescence. Trapped. In the end I just told her no one knows what they are doing (the failure to still count the deaths correctly), it's ridiculous (contradictory studies and disparate rules), that i suddenly didn't have a choice and it was going to take me a few days to adjust.

What was really going through my head was about USSR. “ It wasn’t the just the necessary lies it was the absurd little pointless ones that broke the spirit of the people” to paraphrase badly from a place I don’t remember. That is clearer statement of Voltaire and a simple explanation of why we shouldn’t lie. It’s not the childish notion that we should not because the truth is easier. Most see mask wearing a virtuous, for me it’s an affirmation of a lie, of several, of the ones closer to the roots. It’s not a herculean feat to see for me it’s just stupid hard wired reflexive contrarian angst , not hell no so much as why the hell . It leads you to question anti-vax, reduced fat, publish or die, replication crisis, Russell conjugation, virtues signalling, Overton window, attacks on moral relativism destroying gradation of sin and virtue, cognitive biases , government building as nation building, gas lighting, the church defending itself and the existence of God but not the moral order(not that it knew the difference), the irreconcilability of socialist thought and Jihadists with the west, big government as government playing god, half the people are dumper than the other, death of the common, the long list of what’s called the regressive left we focus so much on (more of a symptom than a cause),cultural relativism, common human behavior dressing up common human behavior as conspiracy, fragility of high civilization, economics standing in for moral order, monogamy, “perfect as your are” drowning the phoenix, nuclear family, woke rewrites hiding more subtle rewrites of western mythos, the prison of two ideas, deep silos of knowledge standing in for wider wisdom, and....

At some point you find yourself outside and not in some sort of edgy artsy way, not quite smart enough to figure out why no one else is there. I am sliding back into the hope I have gone insane. You deal with the whirling nightmare as little as possible, you don’t call it out at every turn, you don’t cheer it on, you don’t help it, and YOU DO NOT FUCKING LIE ABOUT IT.

So sitting in the parking lot,deciding if one of the innocent creatures that lives with me, approaching month four of the six the vet said she had left, gets the food she prefers at the moment... She had other food that was better for her anyway.., not that it matters now. I have a duty of care especially now. She won’t understand the problem or the cost to my honor, for lack of a better word. She will just miss the thing she is used to. In reality avoiding the mask is likely impracticality anyway. On the verge of throwing up, crying, punching the dashboard or screaming fuck over an over... a car pulls into the spot across from me and a woman starts unpacking a kid out or the back seat... none of the above. A few deep breaths and fuck it, the easy way it is. Never thought about actually punching a stranger or really anyone but the assigned finger wager at the door.... “I am a virtuous little citizen and those who know better know better” and not “we aren’t all writhing around in the liquefying corps of a great civilization” On queue they where still out of or ran out of again of the food I was after.

I didn’t feel anything brake that day. Thinking about it since something is missing. Maybe things are just numb and will come back in time. As of now thinking about what may have to be done in defense of a civilization worth defending against those that can not be reconciled with it, elicits little. The little emotional triggers that made question if I could if i had to, are gone.... I am pretty weak willed and was happy to stand on the side lines. Muse at what might untangle this mess. I am not a hard man by any imagining, but you made me lie exactly in the way that end civilizations. Not that mask work. Not that I was virtuous for doing so. Not that “we are all in this together”. Not that those in charge know. Not that anyone is in charge. Not that some version of normal coming. Not that this version of the west isn’t dead. It’s the lie that there isn’t a massive upheaval coming.

The mass of rubble , ideological and real that will have to be cleared. Unfortunately a fair amount of blood that is likely to be spilled. Driving now the phrase “ the ugliness of modern architecture” rings in my ears. Affordable little canvases of our own that last only a life time is not the worst thing, but churches in strip malls? Regardless if this is just contrivance of my head or not I have been pushed a few degrees off of where i was. For now, a reprieve as there is still the innocence creatures in my care. It sadly is not open ended.

This kinda of thing might not have pushed as hard as it did if the ground wasn’t already soft. Before all that a few thing had pushed me to wrap up what i was thinking and walk from my online musings. So. Brit Hume has been one of the perennial “ this is the most important election of our lives... til the next one” He and Thomas Sowell, calling it a point of no return have both come to the conclusion that it actually is. If Biden wins the next election wouldn't matter and any other road blocks would be gone.

Charlie Hurt calling it a make it stop election and latter Victor David Hanson questioning if a silent major exists leads one to believe that reason may have been locked out. That this is a who ever can convince enough people they can save them election. It really fell like the argument don’t matter at all. My suspicion is that if you had really solid polling and knew the outcome of a handful of thing you could easily predict this election now, nothing the candidate did would mean anything. I have kind of gotten used to the idea that thing are going to get well... bloody when the left takes power and finally nails the door shut behind its self.

I was under the illusion that there are a number people that “know” where that leads and would as a last resort raise the black flag. Someone “on the inter webs” I thought was one (for no good reason on my part) when asked opted for the benedictine option. “The monasteries survived”. The monasteries where not an existential threat to the king. Little literacy. little printing and no internet. The parallels to the Maoist and the jihadists to our current insurgents? rebels? look pretty clear. What makes anyone thing they going to be left alone by this “madness”. I got very worried. Those you think might keep Trump in power surrender to the mob.... and those who would fight might decide to hide..... A number of things start looking pretty frivolous.

Author Brooks among a legion of others, well meaning I am sure, prescribe kindness and reason and be patient. I short you don’t hug the guy with the suicide vest.... clear? For the jihadists anything said buy outsiders is meaningless, faith isn’t easily to question on the best of days. For the utopians, you can’t understands till it finally works and usually the censors and secret police help. To our little friends if your the oppressor you have no room to speak even if you think you understand how evil you are or your so oppressed that your don’t know what your taking about. It all insulated ideology, and all of it gets people killed. They haven't officially taken power so i guess you could try it one a time, cult deprogramming. However the cult isn’t living in the middle of nowhere, we are all living in it.

Jordan Peterson comes at it from a reasoned position focused more on the broader problems of the West. “Orientate your self properly,aye”. You raise yourself up and it raises those around you. Don’t think saving the West was at the top of his list when it all started Again a one at a time, bottom up approach. At the time I was sure it was far to slow and he never seemed to have a handle on American politics though he knows how badly societies can go wrong. He and many other I don’t think quite understood how bad intentioned the left really was, or how much the compromises made with them where always seeding ground. It seems like a great many people are still living there.

The other problem is the lack of a common. “if there is no common understanding there is no common sense” Mark Steyn if memory serves. My past understanding of the malignant “God is dead” quote was just that and it was a good thing. In part from Peterson, my understanding now is “the common belief in a common God / moral order is dead”. A strong civil society might be able to hold things together and let people do generally what they want....... as long as the reap the consequences of their choices. The problem comes when all choices become valid because there are no consequence . A strong moral order would have put the brakes on.

This is the general problem with the various libertarian imaginings. Over time it will always be a problem. Any significantly democratic organization will trend left or as to hear the left tell it “the long arch of history tend toward justice”... social justice.... popular judgement..... mob rule. Entropy. We all want to be nice and liked so we let the margins slide, leave a little wiggle room in the rules. Eventually it ticks over. Instead of allowing it’s restricting. I doesn’t matter now whatever the case. There is no way now to go any where near letting people reap their own consequences, what would the bureaucrats do with themselves.

So come at it from the other side? The moment the Enlightenment or the industrial revolution started the church was in existential peril. The less the average person need God to explain their day to day the less the ethereal wonder holds. The explosion of knowledge even if they didn’t understand all of it, become a surer path. Defense of the moral order was what was called for. The church defended itself and eventually the existence of God. I would like one of these fill in the blank “nationalist”, common good conservatives, new theocrat types explain to me how governmental policy is going to fix it? They seem to see it as a problem caused by the left. The left is just taking advantage. If it wasn’t them now it would be something else in a generation or four. Not only are they misidentifying the problem their solution is making it harder to solve. Setting government policy to favor what worked is not a guarantee it works going forward. There are plenty of good studies and sound arguments and some policies may work well. The problem, it introduces rigidity. It will help stave off the known worse, meanwhile staving off the unknown both for the worse and for the better. It slows the development of better.

There is this notion that the “left and the “right” should just get a divorce. The “left” will never be satisfied with that. There is as well the notion that we are to diverse to coexist. This is another result of the lack of a common. If a civilization or a country in this case, are bound together even loosely by a civil order an a moral order diversity isn’t a fatal issue. To say it isn’t possible is to reject the American experiment out right.

Those who have accepted a civil war is inevitable talk as if the fight will be to restore something? The war is between who? One side is usually the government. Not sure what is gained by pickling fight with Antifa et al.

I had thought after Ferguson leadership would have leaned it’s lesson. APCs for riot control, yes. For no knock warrant, not so much. It’s become abundantly clear I assume far to many things. We went from throw a water bottle at a cop, jail and the protest is over to everything is acceptable up until your try to burn people alive in a public building. As far as I am concerned those mayors and governors who allow this signed there own resignation letters.

It is has become clear Trump or likely any president can’t fix this. Trump specifically doesn’t have the tack to talk us off this ledge. Suspend the campaign for a week and talk about the consequences, the nature of and solution for the problem.... and never mention himself? I don’t know that and president would have the resources to declare an insurrection, deploy enough federal agents and national guard (assuming the governors allow it) and hold on til the local government went back to arresting the first bottle thrower. I doesn’t look like the decades long hold the “left” has had on these city is going to be broken by this, so no major change in policy that will stop this short term is coming. Those who decide to leave are likely to bring the same ideas that lead to the policies that lead to the chaos where ever they go. It’s not going to stay contained.

It sounded like there where the start of some defensive militia and there are always community deescalation groups. This is driven by policy fuel by ideology that can not be question (though they used to act as if it could). All solutions look to be outside our normal acceptable practice. Comment by Mark Steyn about Islam are instructive. Surrender, destroy, or reform. As with Islam this is a self fulfilling ideology. So? a form of colonization inside our country, an insurrection? Remove the mayors, city counsel and the prosecutors, none of which are doing their jobs. If the rule is that the feds don’t declare insurrections, and it is not declared as such then it is not. What about the governors? Then what..? What policies changes the culture? What are the markers for holding the next election? It is outside our norm, not so much for history in general.

If Trump wins whatever the left does including secession will be responded to by the federal government, our little city experiment aside. That at best will just reimpose the status quo. It is very unlikely to force the “left” ideology into retreat. If Biden gets elected? Play the city experiment out writ large . The constitution almost by definition can’t survive. So... just reprint the thing and put a new start date on it? What does that solve? Maybe I am not digging in the parts of the internet where these this are being hashed out. If they are I not sure it’s by the type of people I want running things.

A list of systemic grievances going into all this would be useful both as a guild for what comes after and as set of red lines. I am sure most libertarians could give you a library full of outrages. It is not the day to day bureaucratic nonsense that’s the problem or police outrages. It’s things like deferential impact, judicial realism, popular election of senators, and the supposed precondition in which regulation is allowed just to start. The last line may be when the left has easily won two or three elections in a row while everyone is being forced to do things they don’t want and never hear a word in the press about it. It may be to late by then. I believed that would be the result if Hilary got elected and it looks to be a certainty if Biden gets in.

Whatever the case maybe the violence has started and to what degree it escalate who knows. The idea that violence is never the answer was always a myth, one we are coming face to face with now. The fact is violence on very rare occasions is the only answer unless you are prepared to surrender everything, to live on your knees in agony. That is why the idea that the constitution is not a suicide pact never made any sense. We seeing it now to with the virus. “we must sacrifice everything even if it save one life”. What childishness. If you won’t die or worse live in pain for your principles they only hold until someone or thing threatens you with just that. If others know it your principles don’t mean much. Further more at societal level if leadership isn’t prepared to risk the live of civilian to protect those principles they aren’t going to last long either

All that in the end still solves nothing. You have beaten back the enemy for what? If violence comes or not we have to have something to go to, to strive for as a civilization. We are a fractured mess of half thoughts and endless “problems” to solve. We have no common understanding of what the moral order or any order is or should be. As is we are done.

“We are very unlikely to come up with entirely new definition or invention. We are very unlikely to invent new Gods, very unlikely to come up with new religion, ...very unlikely to be able to go anything this good again.” Douglas Murray.

A similar sentiment two plus years ago sent me in this direction.

“ Where the road we’re traveling takes us. Where do the above events and that one trend leave us? Not in a good place. Unless there’s a black swan somewhere down the line, we are heading inevitably towards a socialist America. “ “ I’m praying for a Black Swan. My prayers aren’t usually answered, though. That’s why I’m assuming that the American future will be totalitarian — either Marxist or Islamic — and that it might happen within my lifetime and will definitely happen within my children’s. “ - Bookworm

So what we are looking for is a Black swan, a new god, a new religion. In an ocean of ignorance with an occasional mist of wisdom let me see if I can puzzle this out a bit. First there is no puppet master just us. Though they took full advantage ,even the “left” isn’t the problem. We began to gain knowledge abundantly, with certainty if not ease. It distracted, if not overwhelmed the the ethereal of the church and rendered the judgement of the wise mute. So what do we need? We need to temper knowledge. We need not just the facts or the working of the parts we see. We need to pursue the truth, not exactly the truth. Not the truth of the tangible world or that of the ethereal. It is the truth of the moment. Our best understanding of the working of the two combined. And an understanding that some day it will change. And that is what we should pursue. The honest truth of what we know and a drive to find more. To try, succeed and fail, to find what is actually better. It is an extension of the road humanity was on before this diversion.

How to paint the picture? A discovered / revealed God/ devil/ saint/ mythic hero, a torch bearer along the path humanity has always been traveling. The path of our increasing understanding, the path that raised our civilization. A light that only shines on the path behind us, to illuminate the things we missed and on our figure calling us forward. One who demands that those who obscure the past repent. One who demands that those who misrepresent the path their on to get others to follow repent. One that asks us to forgive those who do and use the shape of their misdeeds to search for our own misunderstandings and mistakes.

In practice, a secular church that is neither. A voluntary body with neither the force of law or a claim to the moral order. A nondemocratic organization because the long arc of history tending toward social justice. An organization the is trusted to ask better questions. A group of people that will put themselves in the experiments in order and be brutally honest about the results.

So for instance the question about transmission of wisdom from one generation to the next is about how we raise children and that is about family and marriage. What is best? what do we really know? Follow the path all the way back. Romantic marriage is new, so why not practical or arranged marriage? We see the obvious problems with polygamy, with polyamory? Maybe some combination? maybe not one big romantic marriage but three,may be four people, one marriage is practical, one arrange, and one romantic. I have no idea. We can’t just default to the wisdom of religion or assume the recklessness of the “left”. Let Go. If it works or not we are better for knowing. We will have surer footing on the path ahead at least in the understanding of this moment.

If don’t like that formulation good. You build a black swan. If there’s a flock of them maybe one survives. Maybe we avoid generations of brutality. Maybe something of what we have done survives.

All I can do now is try to find a way not to live on my knees before anyone, anything, any ideology or idea. Try. That is all I can do.

Credit to those i stole ideas from that i can no longer remember if they're mine or not. I am going to put away my crayons down, shut my mouth give my mind a rest, deal with only what i must, and hopefully find a way to wonder at the world again.

or try to

#black swan #god gap #reversion is not reformation #CultML

12 notes · View notes

mleighlikes · 5 years

Text

M’L Instants Post #22 :)

States of the Mind, Hey Inter World, here we are at instants post #22. I hope you guys are enjoying my little quick poems each week or rather over here a master post once a month. If you’d like to see my instants on a weekly basis then please do check out my main blog at mleighquickspot. If you’d like to get original content then look me up on Patreon. I hope you all have a great day and thank you for the Much Likes and Love :)

Awake…

Eyes wide, alert, totally aware of everything, everyone, all that goes on around you. Miss nothing, nothing missed; your eyes, your intuition, your senses and abilities are in tune with the world. To get passed you is next to impossible, to trick, deceive, to manipulate for gain isn’t even an option. Those who wish to try are in for a rude awakening, just keep walking deception; there’s nothing to see over here… You’ve got your eye on me, I’ve got my eyes on you.

Asleep…

Eyes wide shut, can’t see a thing. Closed to an environment, blinking yet still can’t see a thing. Right in front of you, are you freaking blind? What was that, did something or someone just pass me by? Claim to watch out, yet everything gets beyond your field of view. Stand there, try to stay focused, don’t miss it, I see it, really I do. Perhaps glasses will help, maybe contacts, blink again, one two three; whoops didn’t see it as it passed you by again.

Adaze…

Watery, blurry, can’t seem to focus. Eyes not all there. You see some but not all, blinking clears the veil for a moment, but the dull crusty film comes back with a vengeance. Claim to notice, be aware, on your toes. Sometimes it’s true, while others, didn’t you catch that; it’s right in front of your noise. Can’t catch em all, the eyes can be tricked, move to fast or even to slow; leaving you questioning your visual senses.

Veiled…

Can barely see through the covering, let alone think passed it. The mind has been blocked, covered, shrouded in such a way that only parts may work correctly.

Try to remove the covering, it can be done literally but not figuratively. You still only process the world, through your own filter’s. Letting only some information in, while keeping most other points of view out.

Clouded…

Where are we going, why do they want to see me? Where did that come from, once a hut now a palace in the distance… A clouded mind sees nothing.

Think you have it all together, nightmares shatter your visions as you dream at night. You awake in a panic, you know you don’t have all the answers. Why must I control this, my mind is clear is it not? Your spirit changes right before your eyes. Someone anyone free me from this torment created by my own cloudy mind.

Distorted…

What controls you, your body or your mind? Can you see past silly illusions, parlor tricks, slight of hand, masks that are placed to fool you from reality?

No more, if you want true understanding then you’ll need clarity. You must detox your mind off impurities, stay away from the false and come into the real. Nothing that the rational mind can dream up is immune from what the irrational mind can implant.

Illusions...

Can you see more than what is really there? Has your mind tricked your senses into an alternate type of reality? As your mind been bent, distracted, changed by sights unseen and visions of what was once there, has now become like a dream? Will you be able to free yourself from such a world where your mind can be tricked so easily? Or are you now trapped within a realm that always keeps you guessing, doubting, questioning if you can trust your abilities or do you trust nothing...

Diversions...

Keep yourself occupied, don't focus on the real, the here and now. The mind easily distracted, look at what's pretty; lock the ugly away from our sight. We can think on it tomorrow, there's still time. Don't take it so seriously, it's not that big a deal. Keep putting it off, pushing it to the dark corners of the recesses. Distract, detach, think on everything else before you get around to it. Keep waiting, okay now I can deal with this. It's to late the mind has forgotten, the mind let it slip.

Clarity...

I can see clearly now, nothing left to distract, to cloud, to fog my mind. All that was at the forefront that was filler has been taken away. Crystal clear, razor sharp, I can do this, my mind is a well oiled machine. Let me analyze what you've told me so I can come up with the more accurate response. OMG, wait a minute, they're thinking now we're in so much trouble. Talking done, action has taken it's place.

Tricks…

The mind tells you how to precieve your world. Don’t tell me what I saw or see I know what I saw… Glitch, de ja vu, and more come and go. I think that’s right, can’t trust the sense of sight it may fail you. Witness to be relied on, your truth is the same as mine. Did you see that I the background? What I didn’t see anything but what was in front of me. Slight of hand, watch it intently, don’t blink you’ll miss it. Try to rely on just your sight, you can’t, the mind is to tricky; that’s why the other senses are there.

Blown…

Can’t comprehend, does not compute. What am I party to right now, am I really here, is this really happening, is this real? So many thoughts firing, the mind can’t take it all in. System failure, error error, shut me down, shut me off. Keep me safe and away from what can’t but just did take place. Stand in shock, wide eyed, frozen in a moment that can’t be but some how is. Mentally slam the escape key over and over, what’s wrong with this silly thing. Eventually when and if there’s a recovery, you’ll have to start over from scratch, trying to fit something into your mental program that shouldn’t be…

Blocked…

Open up your mind on any such thing, your heart will most of the time follow. Feel it all as the thoughts flow freely, anything is possible. Let something happened, now there is a barrier. Nothing will pass this point anymore, defense is used as an offensive option. Think not on the painful, nothing good comes from such a practice. No lessons, no growth, just want to stay where I am. The mind is protected as long as the heart doesn’t beat beyond this point. The heart stops pumping, as the mind doesn’t think beyond such a life moment…

Bend…

Twists, turns, paths ever there yet at the same time ever changing. Take a curve, lead to another, try to get back to the beginning squiggle but some how can’t find a way. Take a short cut, leads to a new round about way, yet still getting lost. Try to map things out, still seem to miss one turn for another. Can’t just think this one through, I might have to feel it to. What lies just around this curve, this corner, this bend I the uncharted road.

Stumped…

Where do I go, will someone please lead me. Show me the way out of my mental trap, my deep seeded maze. Feels like I’m drowning, can’t find the surface. The bubbles are supposed to lead to the top, yet they simply sink and fall beneath my crushing waves. Can’t seem to get my head above water. Now used to breathing or at least trying to with a weight on my back or chest. Just wanted to be free of confusion, not to me stuck in this never ending loop of just made it, only to be pulled right back down…

Tangled…

Can’t tell the flowers from the weeds. Are the seeds of madness being planted in my mind? Am I to be faced with an inception so insidious, so infectious that my fate of a downward spiral is seen by everyone but me? Step me lose, get me out of these knots. I want to see the path in front of me, not the pitfalls that try to hide themselves as solid ground. Free me from the weeds, plant me so that I can finally grow, blossom, bloom into who I long, who I’m supposed to, who I want to be after trying to be something I’m not for much too long.

Let me know what you think and pass the thought along.

#mlinstants #instantspost22 #mleigh #states of the mind #poem #poems #poetry #poetic #questions #thoughts #conversations

4 notes · View notes

owlways-and-forever · 5 years

Text

Summary: The Marauders are getting older, and that means so many things. Mischief, heartbreak, and trying to figure out who they really are. They’ll face problems within their group, prove their loyalty to each other, and discover the ugliness that is brewing in the wizarding world at large. Welcome to Years 2-4 of the Marauders time at Hogwarts. **This piece is a sequel to Behind the Mango Tree, however, you do not have to have read the first installment to pick this up. It does stand alone, but there is some carry over from the last book, especially with inter-character relationships. Basically, you don’t have to have read BtMT, but it certainly helps. Word Count: (5256) 9786 Links: FFnet | ao3 | tumblr: Ch 1, Ch 2

A/N: Happy hump day everyone! I hope you didn't think I forgot to update! This chapter is pretty long, and I think somewhat emotional, but I hope you guys enjoy it! See ya next Wednesday!

Chapter 3: Home for the Holidays

"Come in," Dumbledore called from inside his office, after Remus knocked on the ornate wooden door.

Slowly, he pushed it open, dreading the conversation they were about to have. In the year and a half that Remus had been at Hogwarts, he had been in the Headmaster's office a handful of times, and never for anything good. Not that Remus was one to get in trouble, but his condition sometimes necessitated these chats, and Remus had no doubt that that was why he was there.

The Headmaster was sitting at his desk, fingers steepled together and eyes closed in calm consideration. Behind him, Professor McGonagall stood, looking altogether more intimidating, her lips pursed as usual. Remus approached them, taking a seat in the chair across the desk and dropping his bag at his feet.

"Mr. Lupin, Professor McGonagall and I would like to discuss the upcoming winter holidays with you," Dumbledore began, fixing his blue eyes on Remus.

"There's a full moon on the second night," he answered, shrugging slightly. He paid close attention to the lunar cycle, and he was well versed in when his transitions would happen.

"We've talked to your parents, and they don't feel... prepared... to keep you safe during your transition, and they thing it would be better if you remained here over the holidays," Dumbledore continued, watching Remus carefully.

"They don't want to see me?" Remus asked, unable to contain his disappointment, or even hide it.

"Of course they do," Professor McGonagall interjected kindly, her expression softening. "They just think that we can provide for your needs better here. Madam Pomfrey will be on hand to help you recover from any injuries, and you'll be safe in the Shack as usual."

"Right, of course," Remus agreed, his mind stuck on his parents and feeling undeniably rejected. He had thought that they would be excited to see him, even more so since his sister's death, but they didn't want him at all. "I should get back to the library, Professors, some of the end of term projects are rather difficult."

Remus stood and grabbed his bag, turning to go before he could start crying. He felt very emotional, and he didn't want to break down in front of the Headmaster and his Head of House.

"Mr. Lupin," Professor McGonagall called out to him as he reached the door of the office, "your parents care for you very much."

Remus nodded and swallowed thickly, but at that moment he felt distinctly like Professor McGonagall cared more for him than his family did. He knew his father thought his kind were monsters, and his mother only really knew about his condition from muggle fairytales and his father's work, and he wasn't sure which gave his kind a worse reputation. But he had always believed that, even though they thought he was disturbing, his parents had still loved him. Maybe not as much as his sister, who had been perfect in every way – in his eyes as much as theirs – but he had thought that they loved him somewhat. And yet, here was the proof that Remus had been mistaken, that he had been fooling himself this entire time.

A few floors down from Dumbledore's office, Remus ducked into an empty classroom, quickly locking the door behind him. He collapsed into the professor's chair, letting his head sink onto the desk. The cool wood felt nice against his skin, which had grown hot with emotion. Tears began to flow freely across his cheeks, making little puddles on the desk, and Remus was happy to let them come.

After half an hour, maybe more, Remus heard a small click that meant someone had unlocked the door. His tears had stopped several minutes earlier, but it had only left him feeling defeated, rather than better, so he had stayed where he was. But as the door opened, he straightened up and wiped at his face, trying to erase the evidence of his tears. To his surprise, Lily Evans walked through the door, a curious look on her face.

"Remus?" she asked, closing the door behind her. "Is everything alright? Only I heard noise and it sounded like someone was upset..."

"I'm fine, just having a rough day," Remus sniffed, giving Lily a weak smile.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she offered, sitting down on one of the students' desks.

"I dunno," he shrugged, and Lily was kind enough to sit quietly, waiting for him to decide. "My parents don't want me to go home for break."

"I'm sure that's not true," Lily said automatically, but she frowned when Remus gave her a withering stare. "Well, did they say why?"

Remus was quiet for a moment as he considered what to tell her. He didn't like lying to her, Lily had always been kind to him, but he couldn't tell her the truth about his condition.

"They just think it would be better for me to stay here," Remus answered at last, trying to toe the line between truth and lies.

"Because of your sister?" Lily asked, her brows dipping down in concentration. "I guess that makes sense, they think it'll be too hard to be at home without her."

"Maybe, but I thought they would miss me even more," Remus replied, frowning.

"I'm sure they do," she said. "But maybe they need more time to grieve on their own. It's a big change for them, and I'm sure it takes a long time to deal with. They might be worried that if you come home, it'll be even worse when you leave to go back to school again."

Remus was torn. He knew that it wasn't the reason that he was being set aside, but he couldn't tell Lily that. Yet at the same time, her words made him feel slightly better about the situation. She might, at least, be right about them missing him, and oddly that made a difference in the situation.

"But I still want to go home," Remus said at last. "I miss my parents and I want to see them."

"Then you should tell them that," Lily shrugged, as if it were the simplest thing in the world. "Remus, your parents love you, and if you really want to go home, I'm sure they would let you. Or at least, maybe you could stay with James or Sirius or Peter for the holidays? I know it wouldn't be your family, but it might be better than staying at Hogwarts."

Remus appreciated her words, but he knew that staying with any other families was completely out of the question. Deep down, he knew that his parents were right. He would be better of turning at Hogwarts, and everyone else would be safer. His werewolf form was growing as rapidly as his human self, and he could no longer simply be contained in a soundproofed basement. The days when Remus transformed into a cub were long gone, and now he was easily strong enough to break through a door. The thought of what he could do to innocent villagers if he got out was enough to make him shudder with fear. No, everyone else would be much safer if he stayed at Hogwarts. But even knowing that it was for the best, Remus was filled with sadness.

"You should talk to the others about it," Lily said, pulling Remus from his thoughts. "James, Sirius and Peter. You should tell them what's going on. They might be able to help you."

"I don't want to burden them," Remus answered, shaking his head lightly. "They won't be able to change anything, so there's no point."

With a sigh, Lily stood and collected her bag, scooping up the rolls of parchment that had fallen out. She felt more than a little exasperated at boys and their stupid need to do everything themselves. Why didn't they realize?

"Friends are meant to share your burdens," she said, looking over her shoulder at Remus, "even the ones they can't change."

With that parting wisdom, Lily walked out of the classroom, leaving Remus to the company of the misery he was resolved to keep.

Lily made a beeline for the Great Hall, where she knew that she was most likely to find the boys. She didn't particularly care if Remus showed up there, but she felt pretty confident that he wouldn't. In his mood, he would probably sulk in the classroom or hole up in the dormitory. Predictably, James, Sirius and Remus were sitting at the table, stuffing their faces with food. They didn't even seem at all concerned that Remus had been called away, that he hadn't returned yet, and Lily felt a surge of disgust roll through her stomach. She liked Remus well enough, and Peter was alright. Both of them were prone to self-pity, which thoroughly annoyed Lily, but they were good people besides that. But James and Sirius were complete idiots, often jerks, and they consistently made Lily's blood boil.

"The three of you could look a little more concerned that Remus got called to the headmaster's office," Lily huffed, coming to a stop next to Peter.

James looked between her and Sirius in confusion, and Peter looked up at her, frozen, with food halfway to his mouth. But Sirius just rolled his eyes at her and shrugged, and Lily had to suppress the anger boiling inside her.

"He get's called to Dumbledore all the time," Sirius answered nonchalantly.

"And how often does he leave those meetings and go cry in an empty classroom?" Lily snapped, anger flashing in her eyes.

"How is this your business?" Sirius retorted, his mouth twisting into a sneer.

"Because I'm the one who found him!" Lily answered, crossing her arms against her torso.

"So?" Sirius scoffed. "It's not like you're -"

James reached out and put a hand on Sirius' shoulder, stopping him in his tracks before he could say something regrettable.

"What happened, Evans?" he asked, and Lily turned her glare on him.

"His family told him not to come home for the holidays," she answered, a bit more sharp that necessary. "He's pretty cut up about it, feels like they don't want him."

"We'll take care of him," James assured her, though his tone was stiff.

"Thank you for letting us know," Peter said quietly, dropping his fork to his plate.

Lily turned and stalked away with a huff, her mary janes clicking against the stone floor. Overhead, the stars began to wink out as storm clouds drifted through the sky.

"Why does she have to go about, sticking her nose where it doesn't belong?" Sirius mumbled, poking at his food aggressively.

"But it was good she told us," Peter countered, his eyes round and sincere.

"I guess, but still, what does she care? She's not Remus' friend, she hasn't given a hippogriff's behind about him before," Sirius argued heatedly.

"Look mate, normally I'd agree with you," James cut in. "Evans can be bloody annoying most of the time. But I think right now we just need to focus on Remus. We have to make him feel better about this somehow."

"He could come spend the holidays with one of us," Sirius suggested, as if that solved the entire problem.

"Don't you think that would really just be rubbing in that his family doesn't want him at home?" James countered, shaking his head. "No, that's no good. We'll have to do something else..."

"What if... what if we all stayed here too?" Peter offered, looking nervous. "I'm sure it's a rubbish idea, but..."

"No, actually, I think it's brilliant!" James replied, smiling broadly at Peter.

"Look, normally I'm as chuffed as anyone to avoid my parents," Sirius said, "but won't your parents' mind you not coming home? Not to mention, I don't think Remus would take it as well as you think. He doesn't like people doing things for him, especially if it means sacrificing something."

"My parents will be sad not to see me, but they'll understand," James answered, and Peter nodded in agreement. "But you might be right about Remus. What if we just... don't tell him..."

"You want to lie to Remus?" Peter asked, incredulous.

"I think it might be the only way to get him to accept the situation," James said, giving Peter a tentative smile. "Isn't a white lie alright if it's to help someone?"

"I'm not sure..." Peter answered, looking uncomfortable.

"Peter, you know Remus would never let us give this up for him," Sirius argued. "Not that there's much to give up, really. But he would see it as a sacrifice, and he'd be upset. It's the only way."

"I suppose," Peter admitted, reluctant.

"We'll have to come up with different excuses," James reasoned. "And tell him at different times."

"Well my excuse is simple, I just don't want to go home," Sirius shrugged.

"You should go last, once we're all staying, you can say that you'd rather stay here with the rest of us," James said, nodding.

"I suppose I could say that one of my parents is sick," Peter suggested, hastening to amend his words when the others looked at him wide-eyed. "Nothing life threatening! The flu or something, just contagious enough to keep me away."

"Alright, well, I guess my parents could be traveling, they might not return before Christmas. If they were abroad, a storm would be enough to delay them," James considered. "I can go first, I'll send myself a fake letter from them and get it in front of him tomorrow. Peter you can go a day or two after that, and then Sirius, you last. We'll have to do a fair bit of acting to sell this though."

"Good thing we've had a fair bit of practice acting to get out of trouble," Sirius replied with a mischievous grin.

"When have you ever gotten out of trouble?" James scoffed, laughing lightly at his friend. "We all know you're the master of getting into trouble."

James pulled a small roll of parchment from his bag and extracted his quill and ink. He dipped his quill and began scratching a note out, imitating his father's handwriting flawlessly. When he was done, he held it up, satisfied, and blew on the ink lightly to dry it. He waved his wand at the base of the letter, and it tore cleanly away from the rest of the roll and folded itself neatly into a note.

All three boys got up from the table and left the Great Hall, making their way to the Owlery. James found his owl, Driscoll, and gave him specific instructions to bring the letter to him in the Great Hall at breakfast the next morning. When it was all arranged, they returned to Gryffindor Tower, finding Remus surly and brooding over his textbooks.

He said nothing about staying at Hogwarts for the holidays, and with an exchange of looks, the other three boys agreed it was better to pretend not to know. That way, when they announced they would be staying, it would be more plausible that it wasn't all for him.

Remus' mood had not changed by breakfast the next morning. He stared at his plate sullenly and pushed around bits of food without eating anything, though he had skipped dinner the night before. He didn't even notice when Driscoll swooped low over the Gryffindor table, landing gracefully on James' shoulder and dropping the letter in his lap. James opened the letter and did his best to look upset, tossing the letter down on the table and sulking into his beans on toast.

"Something wrong?" Sirius asked, nonchalant as ever.

"Mum's written, she says that she and my dad won't be home for Christmas," James answered, keeping his eyes on his plate and frowning seriously. But he saw through his lashes that Remus was looking up at him curiously. "They've been traveling a bit, seeing some of her extended family in India and friends in Egypt and Greece. But there's some big storm happening I guess, and she says they won't be able to get back in time, so I'm to stay here for the holidays."

"Really?" Remus asked, his voice a touch more upbeat. "You're staying here?"

"Looks like it," James said glumly, poking around at his breakfast. "Wish I didn't have to though. It'll be rubbish here alone for Christmas. Although I guess some people are staying. I think Benjy and Stebbins are both staying, since Hanukkah will be over by then."

"Well, I'll be staying too," Remus admitted, a little sheepish.

"You will?" James answered, markedly happier.

"Yeah, I found out yesterday," he said, shrugging. "I guess my parents are just... not feeling very festive this year. They're not ready to do the whole Christmas thing, so they want me to stay here."

"Well that's excellent!" James replied, cheerfully. "I mean, not... not that your parents aren't... but it'll be much more fun with you here!"

He stammered through the end of his speech, blushing slightly as he tried not to imply that everything was fine and dandy. If what Remus had said was the truth, then he must feel awful for not being wanted. But as it was, James suspected that there was more to the excuse than what had been said, and if Remus didn't feel like he could tell them what it was, then it was probably very upsetting.

Peter waited two days before announcing over lunch that his parents had both gotten bronchitis, and they didn't want him to come home and get sick, so he really ought to stay at Hogwarts. Neither James or Sirius had any idea what bronchitis was, but it seemed sufficiently contagious that Remus accepted the explanation without question. Peter had been brilliant – he'd gone to Professor McGonagall's office to tell her about their plan, and when he came back, he pretended to be all doom and gloom and said that she had called him in to tell him the news.

Sirius didn't even bother saying anything at all, but when Professor McGonagall assembled all the Gryffindors who were staying over the break, he followed them. When Remus gave him a confused look (which James and Peter were quick to replicate), Sirius just shrugged and said, "Much better to stay with you lot than go home to my family." Remus mere shrugged in reply, used to Sirius' oddities and dislike of his family enough not to be surprised by the decision. And just like that, all four boys were spending their first Christmas away from their families ever.

Most of the students left two days before Christmas, leaving the castle empty and quiet. Of the Gryffindors, only a handful remained, and mostly from the upper years. Alastor Moody and Iseult Courtenay wanted to stay to prepare for N.E.W.T.s, while Straton Faulkner wanted to study for the O.W.L.s, and Frank Longbottom wanted to spend the holidays with Alice Matthews. A few younger students stayed, but most had gone home, missing their families. Nearly all the Jewish students remained – they always had special permission to Floo home for suppers with their families during Hanukkah, the high holy days, and pesach, if they didn't fall during the breaks – which meant that Benjy Fenwick and Daniel Stebbins were staying, as well as Leon Wycliffe and Simon Beringer, although it was a shame that Rosaline had decided to go home to see her family anyway. Only two students in the entirety of Slytherin stayed at Hogwarts, Vortigurn Warwick, who was being made to do extra Charms lessons, and Emma Vanity, who hadn't been assigned a new foster family yet. Altogether, there were only 23 students staying for the break. The House tables had been replaced by one long table, with professors sitting interspersed among the students, and the decorations in the Great Hall had been scooched in closer so that the room didn't feel quite so vast and empty.

Remus was peaky and tired as break began, and the boys assumed he was just gloomy about being away from his parents. They tried everything to cheer him up. Together with Foxtrin Flint and Benjy Fenwick, they started a wizarding chess tournament, after finding a hidden passageway to Hogsmeade Sirius snuck bottles of butterbeer from the Three Broomsticks, and they even talked about setting off some of the stink bombs they had to trick Filch. But Remus seemed to only half enjoy all of it.

On Christmas Eve, Dumbledore declared that they would have a pajama ball after supper, and everyone should come dressed for the occasion. It was a bit odd, seeing students from other years and houses, even professors, all in their pajamas, but they had a blast. Professor McGonagall, predictably, excused herself early, and Remus said goodbye as soon as dinner was finished, the sun dipping low in the sky, and the ceiling of the Great Hall stained pink and orange.

"I'm going to go for a walk," he said, pushing his chair back and looking up at the ceiling. "I don't really feel much like partying tonight."

"Right, sure," Sirius replied, jumping out of his seat. "Let's go!"

"No!" Remus answered quickly, a bit louder than normal. "I mean, no, thank you, I... I feel like being alone."

"Oh... okay..." Sirius slowly sank back into his seat, looking confused and a bit disappointed.

Remus ducked between two Christmas trees, slipping into the shadows and out of the Great Hall. Professor McGonagall was waiting for him in the Entrance Hall. As usual, she was carrying a dark cloak to help hide him as they walked through the grounds, and she handed it to him as they stepped through the doors.

"Do you think Remus is okay?" Sirius asked, looking at James and Peter.

Around them, the Great Hall was transforming from a cozy dinner room to a festive night club. Most of the professors began to dip out, leaving the party in a respectable manner, without too many drinks. But the students took advantage of the free flowing butterbeers and the music echoing from the rafters. It was tame as far as parties go, no one was stumbling drunk or making out on the dance floor, they were all just letting a little loose and having fun.

The night dragged on, and the full moon climbed higher in the sky, bathing the Great Hall in light. Peter stood on the edge of the room, looking up at the ceiling. He didn't much feel like being at the party. As much as he agreed with what they were doing for Remus, he did miss his parents, and he sort of wished he was home with them. He supposed life was good at Hogwarts, and he was happy here. He had friends and didn't get bullied as much, but... but he wasn't like Sirius. He loved his parents, very much, and it was hard for him to be away from them so much. He huffed a breath of air and squinted at the moon, trying to make out some detail of its surface, even just one crater. Something clicked in his mind then, and he thought back to Remus' words, his behavior for the past few days, and suddenly he knew. But it wasn't his secret to know, much less to tell the others. Peter could guess though, why his parents had really told him to stay at Hogwarts, and he was more glad than he had been before that they had all decided to stay.

Half an hour later, James started yawning and dragged Sirius away, finding Peter. The three boys left the Great Hall, waving goodnight to the other students, and returned to the Gryffindor Common Room, making a beeline for their dormitory. The fire was crackling in the warming stove in the center of the room, making them even sleepier. Remus' bed was still immaculate, so he clearly had not returned from his walk yet.

"I think I'll stay up and read or something until Remus gets back," Sirius said, as all three boys got ready for bed.

"If you like," James shrugged, crawling under his comforter. "He's probably fallen asleep in the library or something though."

"Maybe," Sirius answered, but he was a little concerned.

"I might stay up for a bit too," Peter chimed in, but he didn't expect Remus to come back that night at all.

"Goodnight, then," James said, drawing his curtains around him, and his friends echoed the sentiment.

Try as they might, Peter and Sirius were both too tired to stay awake for long, and both drifted off to sleep within the hour. When Remus snuck in not long after sunrise the next morning, he found Sirius asleep sitting up, a book about Megaera the Magnificent fallen, abandoned, on his chest. He smiled, knowing that his friend must have tried to wait up for him, before crawling into his own bed to try and get a few hours of sleep before the others awoke.

Peter was the first to wake the next morning, looking over to find Remus asleep soundly in his bed. For a moment, he began to wonder whether his conclusion was wrong, but he saw fresh cuts on Remus' hands, and knew that he'd been correct. Quietly, so as not to wake the others, Peter slipped out of bed and padded over to the stove, warming his hands by the fire.

They each had a pile of presents at the base of their beds, delivered in the night by teams of owls. Peter examined his carefully, and saw a few from his parents, one from each of his friends, and one small, oddly shaped parcel that he couldn't identify. Remus had a similarly modest pile of presents, but James and Sirius both had small mountains of gifts at the base of their beds. With a sigh, Peter returned to his bed, pulling his Herbology textbook onto his lap and cracking it open.

He'd read a chapter and a half when James began to stir, stretching his long limbs and cracking his joints. He sat up, pulling the curtains of his bed aside and blinking sleepily at Peter. Then, without a word, he grabbed his pillow and threw it at Sirius, hitting him in the face. Sirius groaned and wrapped his arm around James' pillow, sinking deeper into his bed.

"Oi, wake up you muppet," James mumbled, and Sirius grumbled in response.

"Let them sleep longer," Peter said, watching as Remus rolled over onto his stomach and yawned.

"But it's Christmas!" James answered, his voice brimming with excitement, and he reached out to grab one of his presents.

"Even more reason to sleep in," Peter retorted, exasperated with his friend.

"What's got your wand in a knot?" James asked, grimacing across the dormitory.

"Nothing, but neither of them slept very much last night, and we haven't got anywhere to be, so what's the rush to wake them up?" Peter snapped, a bit louder than he meant to.

"'S'goin' on?" Remus mumbled, sitting up and yawning, running a hand through his very messy hair.

"Peter thinks I'm being a twat for wanting to wake you two," James answered as Sirius blinked his eyes open.

"I didn't call you a twat," Peter said, gritting his teeth. James was really trying his patience.

"Well, it doesn't matter, we're awake now, right Sirius?" Remus replied pacifyingly, scooting down to the foot of his bed. "C'mon let's see what we've got this year."

Peter's annoyance dissipated fairly quickly as his friends woke up and began tearing into their presents, whooping excitedly. Even Remus seemed a bit happier than he had been the day before, although he looked positively exhausted. Still, he was smiling and happy as he opened his presents, and Peter relaxed a bit.

It was a good haul for all of them that year (not that it ever wasn't). Sirius' parents had sent him a few things that he hated (a book of his lineage, really?) but they'd also included a bunch of chocolates and a few treats made by their kitchen elf. The Potters had more than made up for Mr. and Mrs. Black's poor choice in presents, sending Sirius a bunch of fun gifts, many of them mirroring things James had gotten himself. They'd also sent James a new broomstick, with explicit instructions that it was for practicing quidditch ONLY and that if he broke this one, he would be buying the next one himself. Sirius cackled at the note, but James blushed scarlet, looking horrified at the memory. Remus' parents had sent him a framed photo of him and his sister when he was young, which left him in a teary sort of smile as he opened the rest of his gifts. Peter had gotten some clothes and books and sweets, nothing big or fancy, but he was more than happy with his lot. The oddly shaped package turned out to be a small plant from Professor Sprout. It looked like a little succulent, and it emitted a kind of soothing energy. He could feel it leeching the anxiety from his brain and almost instantly felt more relaxed, even happier. He placed it on the nightstand by his bed, making a mental note to spend a few minutes holding this plant each morning and night.

When they had finished opening all their presents, the four boys made their way to the Great Hall for a fabulous Christmas breakfast. The spread was fit for a king, and they couldn't help but grin as they tucked into their meals.

"You know," Remus said after a few moments of idle chatter, "this Christmas hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be."

"No?" James asked, grinning happily.

"Nah," Remus answered, echoing his friend's smile.

"And we still have days before everyone else returns!" Sirius added. "Loads of time to get into all sorts of trouble."

All four boys giggled delightedly, thinking of the different pranks they could pull and thinking about sneaking out of Gryffindor Tower. It felt like the world was their oyster.

"Really though, thank you all for staying," Remus said sincerely.

"Dunno what you're talking about," Peter denied, but his smile told a different story.

They all knew what had transpired that Christmas, and more than anything, it had cemented their friendship. Beyond friendship, really. They were family now.

#gen writes #hp #marauders #remus lupin #hp ff #hp fic #sirius black #james potter #peter pettigrew #lily evans #QiMH #Better Together

2 notes · View notes