#(Just found this in my drafts wtf why didn't I post this?)

[mightbeorphanedidk]

So I realise I've never really explored Alastor and Lucifer's relationship. The platonic kind.

Like look at these two, putting aside their rivalry, and tell me they wouldn't gossip together like no tomorrow

The moment i saw this frame i knew there was gossip buddy potential. Look at them. You got straight up bitchy "She’s such a rat" stare and the condescending "I haven't seen an outfit like that since the great depression and i think it just gave me depression" eyebrow quirk. They’re gossip buddies. If they didn't hate each other.

Maybe I'm delusional, but let me be delusional in peace.

For the past few weeks I've been wanting to write a fic about it. I soon realised "wait a minute wtf is stopping me" hence why I made this post

To announce

*drumroll 🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁*

I'll be writing a fic about it yayyy

No title yet, and it’s still in it’s basic drafts. In fact, I've written the second chapter already, but not the first. Uhh, my excuse? I was feeling a lil bit silly. Anger and sadness are very strong motivators. How long will this take? Maybe a day. Maybe two. Maybe a month. Hell if I know.

Anywho there's your update folks be ready! It has angst! Because why wouldn't it??

Poll for fun?

Favourite screenshots from the song: (IM MAD NO ONE REALISED ALASTOR LITERALLY USED HIS HIPS TO KICK LUCIFER OUT OF FRAME ITS SO FUNNY)

Psst! Have you found this randomly on your page? Cool! Hi! Thanks for sticking around till the end. If you're interested, please check out my ao3!! My user there is the same as my user here on tumblr, and I write a lot of cool stuff! Check it out!! I'm funny!!

[respitelocklyre]

So I know it's been a while since I posted any updates, but SO much has happened since my last one of these!!

[The following was never actually posted and exists only as a draft on Respite's socials]

I think last time I wrote one of these I was about to go on that stupid mission to find a doll- which we did find, btw, but things got kind of crazy so we had to bail before we could take the doll. idt I can rlly say much more about the whole thing. Teachers kept talking about "discretion" and "privacy," which is, like, why I haven't posted about it till now.

But idk, Mire's back now, so maybe it's fine if I explain everything? A few of my friends chickened out but the rest of us tried to sneak into a faculty building to retrieve a doll as part of a hazing thing. After nearly getting killed by some dope magical items in the attic, we were supposed to just take the doll and gtfo, but there was some other cool stuff we wanted to look at and...idk, I guess Mire just got curious and picked up a really dangerous item. Then they disappeared for what we thought was gonna be forever, so we figured we should probably get help. I'm still, like, pretty new to advanced magic shit so wtf else was I supposed to do, y’know??

We got suspended for a month with like a ton of community service on top, too. Which I guess is, like, fair but also seems a little rude to do to someone who just watched their friend get imprisoned on another plane but w/e. I guess it doesn't fucking matter anyways!!! Because we literally just started up our classes again and just found Mire chilling in the swamp like 30 min outside the main campus. Like, wtf.

They're acting so weird and it's freaking me out. Like it's some kind of selective amnesia? They remember Thad, and the school, but none of us. Which would be fine on its own but there's like a bunch of inconsistencies and everyone around me is just acting like it's a great thing they're back?? The professors didn't even seem that weirded out!! I mean I guess it's their job to stay calm but Willow is pushing so hard for things to go back to normal, and Mettie seems too out of his mind to have a clear grasp on what's happening, Nora kept trying to be all "everyone chill out," and Thad just keeps saying they know what's up but won't explain anything, so the only person I can agree with rn is Sersh and that's weird!!!

I don't want to seem crazy, but it feels weird to just accept it as-is. Ofc I wanted to get Mire back, but idek if this is the same Mire we used to know! Uggghhhhhh

[cupidsnumberonehater]

Draft but I thought I'd post this before season two comes out and rots my brain even more. Also this was made with a sort've "everything's figured out and everything's fine" sort of vibe in mind so 🤷

My friend and I somehow got onto the topic of what animals the crew members would adopt if they could but it ended up just being us planning a DogDad!Izzy AU

I drew things for it

We are ignoring any historical shit on the breed we chose bc we think it's a perfect fit so yk

Made excuses for why Ed would break his no pets policy

Made excuses for why Izzy would break the no pets policy

The dog's name is Mutt bc that's all Izzy calls him and by the time the crew found out and wanted to try calling him different names, the dog was kinda attached to the name Mutt so..

He's a rottweiler/lab mix (for now). For historical sake, if you want, we can just say a rottie mix. Labs weren't bred til the 1800s according to a very shallow google search.

Doodles!!

Comic!!

Notes!! Headcanons!! Whatever have you!!

Izzy didn't plan on asking Ed to keep him, or keeping him at all actually. Mutt followed him, and probably snuck aboard. We thought it'd be funny if Stede and Olu found him since they probably wouldn't know about the whole "no pets policy" thing Ed has. They bring him to Ed and are like "hey look" and Ed's like "wtf, get him off the ship" but somehow, Mutt runs off, finds Izzy and vavoom or something.

Loving the idea that Ed would be convinced that Mutt is a pure bred killer, which is why he allowed him to stay, only to watch him smother some of the crew with kisses and cuddle every fucking day

Izzy and Ed both are literally perfect for the "dad who said no then became the dog's best friend" thing just thought I'd point that out

Wee John or someone sewing him up a bandana so he "looks like a scary pirate dog" <3

Frenchie is excited bc dogs chase cats away, but Mutt just makes friends with other animals so..

The only one who's able to actually ignore the puppy eyes tactic is Buttons. It just feels correct. Izzy and Ed almost can. Almost.

Mutt has to wait outside Jackie's bar when they're there. One of the crew always stays with him.

Really liking the idea of "dog" being a negative term from Izzy whilst "mutt" is somehow more positive so the name wasn't bad in his eyes

Normally sleeps besides Izzy's bed, since Izzy was the first one he got attached to and kinda the whole point of this AU of sorts, but sometimes he sleeps with the crew or Stede. Izzy won't let him stay with Ed alone quite yet, juuuust in case.

Izzy lets him sleep on the end of his bed, most of the crew lets him sleep curled up with them, and Stede doesn't like to let him sleep in his bed for fear of fleas and dirt and etc etc, but also there's no way in hell that man can say no to puppy eyes (I mean look at s1 Ed)

Izzy (maybe partnered up with Stede) tries to train Mutt well, but unfortunately Frenchie and Roach like to "untrain" him in a way, or train him in ways that aren't so Izzy-approved.

Whilst Stede reads to the crew, Izzy reads/tells stories to Mutt.

Roach learning to make dog-healthy treats for him!

It takes a while for Mutt and Ed to warm up to each other but once they do, they're homies. Ed still treats him like he can be a beast but learns not to push anything. "Go fucking kill that crab over there and I'll have Roach make you something real special." "No? Alright fine. No treat for you. Just regular food..maybe a singular treat for your effort."

Lucius turning Mutt into a little model, Wee John and them making him different little clothes to wear for said modelling, and somehow they convince Izzy to sit long enough to be sketched with him once and probably only once. Fang likes to sit and hold him whilst being doodled.

Jim and Mutt having little chats after raids and stuff. "Captain says your a born killer. Same." Mutt can't answer but they know he's listening as much as he can.

That said, Mutt is 100% most of them's personal therapist. He doesn't understand human problems nor has the ability to give them advice, but it's nice to talk about things anyway. My friend is a massive Stede fan so ofc they had to offer up Stede crying but hugging Mutt so it ends up being a good kinda cry. And honestly yeah I dig it.

Izzy's 100% worried that the "no pets policy" is gonna suddenly come back and likes it best when Mutt stays with him bc of it. This is a feel good AU, obviously, but angstwise, Mutt could totally be used against Izzy and the crew.

Fang definitely teared up finding out Mutt was staying, but got attached immediately and 100% wants to help Izzy protect Mutt.

For some reason, Stede gives off "has a pretty bad dog hair allergy, would hug a dog anyway" vibes, so that's something we like to joke about. "Your face is a bit puffy there, Bonnet." "Oh yeah, I'm terribly allergic to canines." "You what?" "I said I'm terribl-" "Get your face out of his fucking fur you absolute twat!"

Mutt likes to roll in mud when on land and some of the crew probably think "why not join him" every single time. Who? Idk. But some of them.

Mutt joining in on the fuckeries. Somehow.

The Swede singing and Mutt howling with him.

Frenchie singing and Mutt howling with him.

Izzy yelling at someone and Mutt barking/growing with him.

For the most part Mutt is an absolute sweetheart, but Izzy is his dad, and he's a fast learner. 100% acts all vicious whenever Izzy's feeling aggressive (but it's mostly an act and he just kinda idly stands by Izzy like "yeah I'm tough shit too" then goes back to acting like a puppy the moment Izzy shuts up).

Okay that's all for now, good night, AND SEE YAH WHEN SEASON TWO AIRS!

[michaelmilligan]

Casgirls: Thee gay angel. 🥰

Michael: Do I mean nothing to you?

[itmightbemikey]

So yeah I'm becoming increasingly convinced I am actually living in some sort of horror story.

Okay, so, late last March I am up at like 3 AM like pretty much everyone was around then because time had just become utterly meaningless in that first month of Quarantine, just sort of pacing around my apartment like you do you are stuck in quarantine and it is 3 AM. Look out my front window, and across the street a couple houses down I see this:

Just, a big ol' cross of big red lights, just lighting up a porch.

At 3 AM.

Totally not ominous or anything like that.

I hopped on to Nextdoor to see if anyone had commented on the cross or explained it or wtf was going on, and, hidden among the 'found pet' and 'missing pet' and 'oh no a person in a hoodie walked somewhere in the general vicinity of my house plz be safe everyone' posts, there was this message, presented in it's entirety:

I have no idea what the reunion area is, I'm sure it's a charming place for... reunions, I guess, but, timing sure is a thing.

Anyway. Red Cross. It's just there, and as far as I can tell it's lit up 24/7, just there, outside my front window. Being an ominous cross glowing a bright red. Some peeps on Discord suggest that maybe it's just some sort of Easter decoration they had put up, and while that's not exactly a normal thing it at least sounds reasonable, so I just roll with that theory. Some people just be weird like that.

Anyway here's a pic I took in September.

Yeeeeeeeep. It's still there 5 months later. And it would remaion there until the end of November, when it finally goes away and is replaced with some sloppily thrown up christmas lights.

Though when the cross disappeared is also when my upstairs neighbor also just up and vanished too?

Like I don't have an exact timeframe on that, I just kind of noticed his van was no longer around. And then mid December a cop shows up at the building's front door, asking for him or if I'd seen him, because they found his van. It had seemingly been abandoned in a parking lot at the county event center outside of town, and they were trying to get a hold of him before it was impounded. Told them I hadn't seen him in a couple weeks, cop left to do other cop things, and I just kinda... sat with that for a while, because there really wasn't anything I could do beyond telling the cops "yo I haven't seen this guy for a while".

The Polar Vortex. My apartment was absolutely frigid, it couldn't get above 50, but my furnace was working and putting out heat. No idea where I was losing the heat, couldn't find any significant drafts that hadn't been there in previous years. So I trudge down to the Ace Hardware to get a space heater, pick up this tiny little personal desktop heater because it was literally all they had left other than the giant fuck-off propane heat cannons designed for heating warehouses or construction sites, and walking back up to my apartment building I look upstairs and see

The windows are wide open. All of them. In fucking February. And, since there's still been no sign of the upstairs neighbor, that means that they've been opened since late November, early December.

So my gas bill for Dec-Feb is an absolute fucking nightmare but that's besidses the point.

Skip forward to this week. Wednesday the landlord shows up, asking if I had any leaks in my apartment, there had been water leaking into and pooling in the basement. I tell them no, but mention that I think the guy upstairs from me hasn't been in his place since begining of december and the windows have been opened, maybe a pipe burst up there, to which the landlord looked.. confused and concerned at this. Which was a bit odd, because I'd figure the lack of rent checks after 3 months would have been noticeable, but maybe there were advance payments, who knows.

Anyway, landlord and his contractor got in and also called the police, they didn't find anybody up there (as well as no reports of him showing up in area hospitals), but they found the source of the leak. His toilet had been clogged and continually overflowing.

For Three Months.

Hey at least I know exactly why part of my bathroom ceiling had collapsed a month earlier. (I had reported it to the property management company but they apparently never forwarded the message to my landlord).

But hey, the windows are closed now at least, and the leak fixed. Anyway, the next day, I step out to pick up a package that had been delivered, and upstairs I hear a tap.... tap.... tap.... tap.... and sigh, thinking "Oh boy, what the fuck is leaking NOW." So, I head up the stairs to see if I could find it. I round the corner in the stairwell, start heading up the second stretch of stairs, when up over the banister pops someone wearing a full-on Gas Mask.

I certainly wasn't expecting that.

Turns out it was my other upstairs neighbor, she was sorting through some containers filled with items damaged in a house fire and was wearing the gas mask so as to not have the ash irritate her lungs, which she has issues with, and it was the respirators on the gas mask that was making the tapping sound. Anyway, we get to talking, she asks me if I know what's going on with the guy in the apartment next to hers, and I tell her the stuff I know, the cop, the landlord, the toilet, etc. And she tells me that around late November, she had started noticing a bad smell up there, but then one night shortly after she noticed the smell she heard a lot of stomping around and a loud ruckus in there, and it was after that that she too noticed the windows had been opened and that the shared wall between apartments had gotten ice cold.

Aaaand that's where I'm at right now. 10 ft below all of that. Just... living with all that information in my head. Had I mentioned that I'm on three different medications for anxiety? I'm on three different medications for anxiety, and I have all of that in my head. It's fine. I'm fine. It's Fine.

Anyway, if some of the worst stuff that's just circling around my brain meat comes to pass, well, I do have a way to defend myself. Because I got this nifty-ass corroded to all fuck Pipe Wrench that just so happened to fall out of my bathroom ceiling in January!

It's Fiiiiiiine.

[lilolilyr]

WIP tag

@banashee tagged me to post another work in progress, so I will post, un-edited, whatever bullshit I came up with last night when I was already half asleep after watching an ep of Suits and then reading an old Hanni&Nanni (St. Clare's) book. I think what my brain came up with is a crossover between those and also my ever growing fanfic multiverse so there's timetravel and dimensions and shit... oh, and naturally it's gay.

Wip lverse

Central arrives at Lindenhof

R/T (teaches) just been outed or sth, girls behind them but school threatened with being closed- dance, with boys from other school, H idea: dance ww mm, boys? Jenny's brother -> have an in, & if not all boys join doesn't matter as long as no Lindenhof girls dance with them. T/R gerührt but also hope won't nach draussen dringen)

Light off

Ugh wheretf are we, middle ages? Fuckinf castle and it isn't even hogwarts. Light...

Edits lumos maxima to fit kronleuchter

War nich lang dunkel also gleich wieder ans helle gewöhbt

Year? Oh lemme guess... Uniforms, awkward dance, electronic light but no smart tech in sight,... Must be xx... Hate that. Already bad capitalism of after & still shitty institurionalised homophobia & racism & misogyny of before.

Eyeroll

Well source isn't here, all muggles

???

Explanation:

Muggle= nonmagical

^or>: sacrilege!

Why?? Why does religion fit better or worse to nonmagical world? If anything magic is sth u can't explain fitting to religion, and as I have magic and you don't, if God exists likes me better than u

Pls no existential discussions before 3am after I had 3 vodka

Gross

Anyways

Looking for source: different universes, if timetravel splits, no-good bc vicious cycle, looking for source

Not here

U sure?

Knocks on Wall

Opens

Body in wall

O.o

Dude dead

Windstoss, zeefällt fast

Shield

Ugh now can't check for..

Well otherwise body!

...

Call the cops- poliicee! Just tell them sb hit a spec spot of the wall & it opened to a body. S the truth. & don't worry bout everyone being shocked, s a body in the wall, u gotta be shocked.

Girls notice T R stressed & not as close as want - H N Hilda J B C go 'need to talk to both' -> form wall so they can hold hands. Before leave turn around, T quickly presses kiss to Rs hand

Central thanks for assistance, & as thanks help against homophobia: a little confoundus maybe? Yeah, everyone in Castle who is homophobic & wants to act on it in some way is gonna forget homophobia exists. Forever? Hm naaah just until goes to sleep, but if next day same, same. Maybe enough to realise world doesn't end...

Isnt confoundus illegal?

Not if administered in a way xxxx by xxxx intentions and duration blah

???

Yeah lawyertalk u wouldn't understand

Oh shut up Harvard

Harvard? Yeah-

Already exists?

Founded in xxxx! Bitch. Bet already prestigious

...

Marianne near freak-out

Never allowed herself to think about it

Not since kissed Carla that day

Knows Carla just thinks about it and doesn't act on it, but she needed pretend wasn't a thing

Punches stuff in sportraum

H:??

Explains

So?? Not a problem for T R

Well they're not students!

?? Difference

Changing rooms! Schlafsaal!

So? I mean if makes u feel better guess can just turn around? But like eh. Hey actually... Ur into girls... So u know what looks good...

???

Would u be willing to check me out & tell me..... Bc want to impress some guy... U get to look without having to feel bad & I get info!

Not sure same (wlw mlw attraction)

Eh whatever best I've got. So?

Shrug sure whatever

In underwear when rest comes

???

Look

M shrugs like go for it

H explains happily

Rest also wants opinion

Petra eg afraid doesnt look good because Figur- M says pretty face way more important. Hilda says plus character more important anyway! M kinda almost laughs which makes Hanni laugh out loud.

Mamsell? Or sb comes around corner, Hanni (still in underwear) tries to hide, falls over tangled in skirt.

Who didn't ask M? Carla... What's with her anyway?

///before mamsell//Who's the prettiest?

Flickers to C. C blushes

Aww

Another pair of birdies?

Shut up!

Not since...

Omg so there is a since!

M heftig Yes but never again bc knew couldbt be!

Well now could...

C still won't tell mom- not cause she wouldn't approve but she'd worry about me and can't put her under strain bc health

M course

Just kiss already!

Oy!

Well?

Laugh and then they do bc wtf might as well happen this day already is so goddamn weird

Meanwhile J/B like when are they finally gonna figure it out lol

& Elli slowly realising that maybe those obsessions with Sadie and MrsQ etc were actually crushes xD

Hanni- heteroflexible

Nanni- ace

Jenny- bi/pan

Bobby- genderfluid, pan

Marianne- butch lesbian

Carla- femme lesbian

Elli- bicurious/bi

Doris- nonbinary/transmasc and still figuring out his sexuality

Hilda- lesbian

Carlotta- bi

Petra- straight

Jürgen straight

Peter x Wolfgang

Claudine trans girl

Sadie??

Yeah ok imma not explain but I might post a proper (ish) version on ao3 or my draft blog @thelucyverse some time :)

Tagging whoever sees this and wants to share!

[i-barely-like-anything]

Well, here’s a brand new tumblr blog problem.

My Avatar and Header are clearly whammied today. And I cannot figure out why, but I’ll try some guesswork...

All I know right now is that my Avatar and Header are gone, and I cannot change them, just as what happens with an account judged to be “explicit” or otherwise in violation. I do not have any of the “hidden from the network noted in settings, nor “your blog is marked “explicit” stuff.” NO flagged posts in ANY of the blogs on this account. NO email from tumblr about my blogs. 

Oddly, I can see my avatar in the APP, and it’s visible by others in the app too. But I am behind the "sensitive content" wall, but wtf sensitive content does this blog contain?

I have very deliberately stayed away from sensitive content on this blog so as to keep it clean and problem free. 

I am going to confirm a few things. Ok, I’m back. 

I have no archive available, consistent with a whammy. But still no cause given. So can I appeal??

I dug into my DRAFTS. I have found ONE flagged post from another blog, not mine. I DO want to screen-shot it on principle. But I will delete it. It's now deleted. It’s far more important to deal with this and see what works. See if fixing is possible.

Oddly, the post does NOT show as flagged on the mobile APP. (???) It might even depend on what device the app is used on.

As I’ve seen once or twice before, there is a button to “see all post flagged on @ the blog that’s bad and not me. And again, that is a borked feature. Nothing and also an error message that looks very sad. 

Hours later and I haven't had time to include the other screen shots. And

My avatar is now gone.

I better check my visibility... :( :/

I submitted an appeal.

My avatar is visible in one place, but not others. I definitely can't make sense of much of this at all.

My appeal has been accepted.

I looked at another reblog or draft of mine and it's from __________, who appeared as the deactivated original poster of the flagged post (!)

Another mystery!

I still don't really really know what got me bashed. Of course they didn't answer any of the questions I asked.

Expanding my unanswered questions, well: A) I had ONE! Flagged post in my drafts. (Really?) B) Was I targeted because my recent gifs parody the "removed content" images...?

[mymusicalitylove]

Dive

In my feels. Trying to be productive and direct them in a positive way.

The other night I feel like I broke because the latest disappointment (that I created for myself), came to the surface. I took a hot shower, cried and told myself to let it all go. Hardest I have cried in a long time because I replayed a lot of scenarios about this endless loop I seem to be stuck in: I give up on this notion called ‘love’, discard it and begin to focus elsewhere.. then along comes another unsuspecting fool that says all the right things to get me twitterpated and caught up in the fantasies my brain creates. I get sucked in and think, ok, maybe this will go somewhere.. just to BAM! Slam my face into a wall of unending disappointment. Wash, rinse, repeat. It feels as though this scene has been on replay about eleventeen times over these last few years, and all I can say is: How. Fucking. Stupid (Who is the REAL fool? Ya, that’s me).

I went to bed after my therapeutic shower and slept ok, but kept waking up. I finally decided to get up and be productive, and had Ed Sheeran’s “Dive” stuck in my head. Hadn’t heard it in a while so I’m not sure where it came from, but it stayed with me the entire morning. 

My entries on this thing almost always relate to music and how the lyrics relate to my life. I’ve saved some drafts with songs I’ve wanted to write about later. When I realized I wasn’t going back to sleep, I decided to write; I checked my drafts and whoa.. “Dive” was already on there.. I don’t even remember saving it. 

(Despite there being a few too many typos for my taste in this post above, I feel it, Rising Woman!)

September 2019 is the most notable time I can remember starting the self-destructive cycle. My boss left at work and I decided I needed to do something to change my life up. I put all my energy into planning my amazing sabbatical in Italy. Everything was set up; all the wheels were in motion for me to see Europe, do me selfishly, and not worry about shit! In my mind I put together plans of sightseeing, concerts, volunteering, gymming, wandering, and getting lost in the country I fell in love with a year prior.

In October on a night out with friends, I met an EMT at a bar. He worked his bullshit game, and did it well because he was intriguing. He made me feel good over a two hour convo that honestly felt like a first date, and convinced me to give him the digits (which I don’t freely give to strangers). Too bad the man never called. Womp, womp.

After a taste of those vibes I craved that “feeling” again. I tried a dating app again for a couple months. In a comical turn of events, said dating app matched me with this same EMT! This presented me with the opportunity to call his ass out, and incidentally feel validated as to why it actually was better he never called. Talked to a few other guys on the app, but really can only report on a couple stupid funny anecdotes of just how sad it is that guys don’t know how to talk to women anymore. At least this time I wasn’t taking it seriously and only did it for shits and giggles. Decided okay, just keep focusing on plans for Italy, stacking that paper, and looking forward to the new year (*point and laugh at the idiot who had no idea what 2020 had in store!*). 

In January a boy (with a girlfriend) who I’d had innocent flirtation vibes with for a while tells me he’s now single. I had already placed him in the “not gonna happen” folder, and his confession obviously began a different wave of chemistry and banter for months. We had a conversation about the reality of where I am/what I’m ready for, and where he’s at/what he’s not ready for. Oh, and in the midst of all this, Covid hits and I have to make the heartbreaking decision to cancel Italy and deal with the feels of defeat that followed. And let’s also add all the sadness of being stuck with only me, myself and my thoughts in quarantine.

One last convo in April with “previously not gonna happen” sealed the deal of this endless string of flirtation not going anywhere and back in that folder he went. I then decided to give my number to this other guy who had shown interest a while back (but I hadn’t paid him any mind cuz I was stuck on folder guy). New dude didn’t really engage, so I disregarded him again, and worked on rearranging my place, organizing, decorating, spring cleaning and purging. Fast forward to now, it’s June and new dude comes back to work, asks to hang out, we have a great first “date” lasting three hours, and now here I am less than two weeks later wondering what happened. New dude: MIA / Me: WTF?

I truly do not understand why this cycle continues. Each time I feel like I get closer to something real, just to be lead into feeling like a fucking moron. I can’t stand it anymore, and it honestly makes me want to go back to being guarded and jaded, but I know that’s not the right way to find anyone. So I open up and allow some level of vulnerability, even though I’m scared af cuz of how hard I fell five years ago with the man I thought I was going to marry.

This is gonna hurt, but I blame myself first

'Cause I ignored the truth

Drunk off that love, my head up

There's no forgetting you

You've awoken me, but you're choking me

I was so obsessed

It was a matter of time

But you are the fire, I'm gasoline

Gave you all of me, and now honestly, I got nothing left

'Cause I loved you dangerously

More than the air that I breathe

Knew we would crash at the speed that we were going

Didn't care if the explosion ruined me

Baby, I loved you dangerously

I learned a lot from that short but impactful relationship. It was the love of my life and I went into it with complete abandon. I loved him dangerously. Things felt “right” and escalated quickly, which lead to our demise because we did not explore all the things before going full force into a relationship. We mutually thought this was “it” and talked about the future we would have. It completely broke me to end things, and upon rebuilding the pieces of me, I promised myself I would never rush into things like that again. 

I know that I do it to myself, but I guess I don’t know how else to do it. If I’m closed off and guarded, I’m not welcoming anything in; if I’m open and vulnerable, I start to dream in fantasyland with expectations just to be let down and end up inevitably disappointed. I clearly don’t know how to find the balance that works and it has become maddening beyond words. 

I need to find that balance, and it would be a lot easier to find in non-Covid times where I could have something else to focus my precious energy on, rather than wanting to find “my person”.

Maybe I came on too strong

Maybe I waited too long

Maybe I played my cards wrong

Oh, just a little bit wrong

Baby I apologize for it

I could fall or I could fly here in your aeroplane

And I could live, I could die

Hanging on the words you say

And I've been known to give my all

And jumping in harder than ten thousand rocks on the lake

So don't call me baby unless you mean it

Don't tell me you need me if you don't believe it

So let me know the truth

Before I dive right into you

And I've been known to give my all

And lie awake, everyday don't know how much I can take

I could fall, or I could fly here in your aeroplane

And I could live, I could die

Hanging on the words you say

And I've been known to give my all

Sitting back, looking at every mess that I made

This new dude made me really feel this. I tend to fall, and fall hard because I am so ready to give my heart to someone. But I need to put on the brakes and slow my damn roll. 

I can’t keep getting my hopes up. That is ultimately my problem. I tell myself to not have expectations and I do well to begin with, then have an amazing connection and am fed (what is obviously) bullshit and fall for it like a moron. I have grown thicker skin this time around, so at least there’s that.. but hopefully this has been my last lesson. 

I have found a new diversion for my focus and just put in my first offer for a new home! This will be my new passion project and will take up my thoughts and energies for a while, so as freaked tfo as I am, I am equally excited for this new venture. If it’s meant to be, it will be, and if it’s not, my new little home is out there somewhere not ready for me yet. 

06/19/2020 - 11:51 PM