#(and maaaaybe working on some new profiles…)

[not-rab]

Do you think you'll start another twitter au?

-🎀

WHY ARE U ASKING THIS WHAT HAVE U HEARD

[elsanna-shenanigans]

April Contest Submission #4: Stupid For You

Words: ca. 6,100 Setting: Modern AU Lemon: No CW: None

Anna adjusts her car visor to block out as much of the sun as possible. Just because the weather feels nice enough to keep her windows down, doesn’t mean she’ll allow the sun cook her through the windshield.

It’s 2:25 PM on a Friday. Back in college, she would have been powering through her final class of the week, racing back to her dorm on her longboard, changing into her pajamas, and replaying the entire Mass Effect trilogy for the fifth time. Now, she spends it idling in the parking lot of West Arendelle Elementary, breathing in exhaust fumes from other idling cars, and pitifully swiping through a dating app.

And to be honest, she might like this routine a little more.

But only because, in a couple of minutes the bell will ring and her favorite ten-year-old will burst through the front doors, skip down to her car, and tap on the passenger windows with both hands.

Not that…she knows any other ten-year-olds, she only knows this one. She doesn’t have like a top ten list of favorite children.

Anyway yeah.

Anna presses against the corner of a parking sticker peeling off at the bottom of her windshield, knowing she’ll have to get a new one soon. The sound of her phone buzzing grabs her attention, and a little bit of hope rises in her as she checks the notification. Unfortunately, it’s just a text from her mother saying not to park behind her when she gets back home.

Anna grumbles, “I swear there’s like zero lesbians in this entire freaking city.”

She’s saved from her petty lamenting by the forementioned bell, and suddenly the barren entrance of the elementary school is buzzing with activity as children pour out of the doors in droves. Some are running, some are walking slowly with their group of friends, but only one of them is skipping.

Or at least Anna could only see one skipping since she wasn’t focusing on any other kid.

Gleefully making her way to Anna’s car is a little girl in a bright-blue skirt, a clean white polo, and a messy braid. Her hands are clutching the straps of her glittery backpack and her lunch box is hanging on for dear life around her neck.

Serah Langford, the self-proclaimed “cooliest” ten year-old in Arendelle.

Serah predictably taps her knuckles against the passenger window and Anna rolls it down. “What’s the password?” she asks.

“Fart Sniffer,” Serah says confidently.

Anna shakes her head, “That was last week’s password. What’s this week’s?”

Serah looks off in the distance and purses her lips. A second later, she says, “Alright I said it!”

“Say it out loud.”

Serah rolls her eyes and says in a dramatically bored voice, “Anna de Milo is the greatest, prettiest, most wonderful babysitter in the world and deserves a million dollars.”

Anna unlocks the door and grins, “That’s the one!”

The embarrassed fourth-grader shuffles into the car, placing her bag by her feet, her lunch box in her lap, and her phone plugged into the AUX cord. Anna would be offended if they didn’t have the exact same taste in music.

A babysitting job wasn’t at the top of her list after she graduated, but when months passed and she exhausted all the search results for “Writer” on Indeed, she was starting to get desperate. Her mother advised her to look for any job so at the very least she could have a steady source of income while she continued to look for writing gigs.

That’s when she found Bizzybee.

Bizzybee is a company that prides itself on being “Tinder for babysitters”, which is a horrible vision statement but she kept from mentioning that during her interview. After a surprisingly long assessment process, Anna was placed into their system and she was free to take on any babysitting/housesitting job she wanted based on the profile of the parent and their needs. Everyone started with the same hourly rate, but with enough good reviews she would be eligible for raises.

The first five families she worked for weren’t a good fit for different reasons (one of the fathers actually tried to make a move on her, which is an entirely different, creepier story). She was beginning to lose hope until she stumbled on the profile of a recently divorced mother named Elsa Langford.

From the very first interview with Elsa, Anna knew she’d finally found the right babysitting job for her. She and Serah hit it off right away, and they worked out a Monday-Friday schedule which allowed Anna to continue searching for jobs while still getting great hours.

Six months later and, despite a couple of job offers, Anna decided to stay on as Serah’s babysitter. It was risky and not at all the path she set out for herself after college, but she found herself enjoying babysitting much more than she thought she would. And because of that, she stayed.

Well…that, and another reason.

Anna snuck a peek inside the lunch box at a red light and frowned at the unopened bag of cookies inside. “Seriously?! I thought you liked Chips Ahoy!”

“Only the chewy ones,” Serah argued.

“They can get chewy if you dip them in milk.” Anna waved the bag obnoxiously close to the little girl’s face. “These things are expensive, you know.”

“They’re $20 on Amazon if you buy them in bulk.”

“$20 is still a lot of money.” The light’s turned green, so Anna has to open the bag with her teeth. When she does so successfully, she pours a couple of the cookies right into her mouth. Chewing with righteous indignation, she says, “You know what you can buy with $20?”

“Dinner with my mom?”

Anna almost chokes on the cookies.

She hears Serah giggling up a storm while handing her a water bottle to keep from dying. After downing half the bottle, Anna takes a deep breath and gets back into the center of her lane to ensure neither of them is going to die. “Serah! What did I tell you about saying that kinda stuff while I’m driving?!”

Serah bounces proudly in her seat, “Well maaaaybe if you didn’t have a crush on my mom, I wouldn’t have to bring it up.”

“It’s not…I’m not…” Anna slumps in her chair, wondering why she even bothers denying it. “Whatever.”

Yes, she has a big, stupid gay crush on the mom of the kid she’s babysitting. But have you seen Elsa Langford? She’s gorgeous. Pale skin, light blonde hair always in a neat, tight ponytail, eyes like calm pools of water, and a killer body she worked tirelessly on after giving birth to Serah. Anna had to drink three glasses of water just to get through the interview with her.

But there’s nothing to it, and nothing’s gonna happen anyway. It’s just a crush.

A stupid, dumb, big, stupid, fleeting, doesn’t-mean-anything, stupid crush on a stupid, sexy mom.

It’s stupid.

[Line Break]

Anna pulls right into the driveway of the Langford’s small, one-story house. It’s in the middle of a long suburbian row of houses that look nearly identical in their mundanity, but this one always stands out to Anna. Not because she’s been to this house countless times, but also because it’s got a vibrant feel to it; like you can feel two main characters live here. Serah skips over to her front door with Anna close behind. She notices the grass is getting a little tall and wonders if Elsa might need some help mowing it this weekend.

She unlocks the front door and Serah immediately takes off her shoes by the front door, places her lunch box on the kitchen table, and hums to herself while she walks to her room. The schedule used to be on the fridge, but by this point Anna’s memorized it.

Make a light snack for Serah, help her with her homework before dinner’s done, clean around the house (that’s not a requirement, Anna just does it), make sure she doesn’t watch the next episode of Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix yet, and then kick back until Elsa gets home. In between this time, Serah continues to tease her about her crush.

It’s been like that for weeks now, ever since Serah stole her phone one day and read the text Kristoff sent to her about Elsa. The subsequent conversation about what a “MILF” was didn’t exactly help things either.

This time, however, is different. Around 7 PM, while they’re watching an episode of American Ninja Warrior, Serah says something that doesn’t sound like a joke.

“She’d say yes, you know.”

“What are you talking about?” Anna asks cautiously.

“If you asked my mom out, she’d say yes.”

Unsure of how she’s supposed to react, Anna goes with an uncomfortable snort/laugh, “Wh- stop it. Stop kidding around, that’s…that’s silly.”

Serah shrugs like she didn’t say something crazy, and then she proceeds to say something even crazier, “She talks about you all the time.”

“Well yeah, I mean duh. I’m the babysitter,” Anna says like that’s supposed to be her superhero identity.

“No, she doesn’t talk about babysitting stuff.”

Finally, unable to help her curiosity, Anna asks, “What does she talk about then?”

Of course, she doesn’t get a chance to hear the answer. The front door unlocks and the woman they were just talking about arrives from work. Serah rushes to greet her mom and Anna stays sitting to let them spend their mother-daughter time together. And also because, like usual, she’s trying to figure out how to greet Elsa.

She decides on a cheerful “Hi!” followed by asking how work went; it’s casual and unassuming, but shows she cares about her. With that game plan prepared, she takes a quick breath, stands up, and walks over to the happy, little family.

“Hi!” she says with a practiced wave of her hand, though her voice is a little higher pitched than she’d like it to be.

Elsa’s clearly tired by the look of her, but when she smiles at Anna it feels like she’s genuinely happy to see her. Which of course makes Anna’s stomach do backflips, especially when Elsa walks over to her and gives her a hug. Even after taking off her heels, the exhausted banker still has a couple of inches on her.

“How are you?” she asks with her sweet, caring voice.

Anna tries to ignore the faint, flowery scent of perfume on Elsa’s neck, and the intrusive thought of wanting to hold her until all of Elsa’s troubles melt away. “Doing good,” she finally answers with her voice still an octave too high.

Elsa pulls away far too soon, keeping Anna at arm’s length while the younger woman is trying her best to pretend she doesn’t want to know how those lips would feel against hers. “Well let me write you a check and you can head out.”

What? No! Thinking fast, she replies, “No, you look exhausted. You can just rest, you don’t need to pay me right away.” Which is a lie, she has bills due next week.

“No I’d feel terrible if I let you go empty-handed. Trust me, it’ll only take a few minutes.”

“Ms. Langford, it’s okay. I’m in no rush tonight. Give yourself a minute to breathe, at least.”

Elsa frowns, but whatever she’s about to say gets interrupted by a long yawn. “Okay fine, if you can give me half an hour, I’ll have your check ready by then.”

“Sounds perfect!” Anna squeaks.

“And again, you don't have to call me Ms. Langford. Elsa’s fine.”

Elsa pats her on the shoulder and walks over to her room, Anna gets a glimpse of it before the door shuts and she can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be in Elsa’s room one day. Her shameful thought is interrupted by someone bumping her hip.

She looks down and sees Serah with a smug grin on her face.

“Oh hush,” Anna says.

[Line Break]

Anna hates taking breaks, and she especially hates days off. Not just because that’s one less day she gets to see Elsa, but also because that’s who she is as a person. Days she isn’t working provide zero structure, and she forgets how to be a human being without a structure.

The weekends, then, are a tumultuous time for her. If she doesn’t have pre-made plans with her friends, she’ll spend the days thinking about doing everything, inevitably end up doing nothing, and then dragging herself out of the house to do something.

This particular Saturday, that “something” happens to be grocery shopping. With a list that only has “Eggs?” on it, she ventures through every single aisle, wondering if she could get herself hungry enough to buy whatever she’s currently looking at.

So far, aside from the eggs, there’s only one other thing in her cart. And it’s not even for her.

“Pop-Tarts…I don’t know, they might sound good later.” She reaches to grab a box of the frosted strawberry ones but waves it off at the last second. Maybe the next aisle will have something she thinks absentmindedly as her cart almost hits the person in front of her.

Who somehow happens to be Elsa.

“Hi! Hey! Wow hi!” Anna says while Elsa looks at her like she’s genuinely startled. “H-hey there, Ms. Langford.”

After registering that the person yelling at her isn’t a threat, Elsa smiles. “Anna! It’s so wonderful to see you.” She looks as if she’s going to take a step towards Anna, but changes her mind at the last second.

Unfortunately, Anna took that as a cue to also step forward and didn’t move back fast enough. So now, she’s just standing between both carts like she’s commandeering both. “I-I didn’t know you went grocery shopping. Here, I mean. I’m sure you shop, but like…I live near here. Like five minutes away actually.”

Elsa chuckles, and honestly it sounds like honey-dipped guitar strings. But less sticky, and more sexy. “Well I was in the area dropping Serah off to her karate lesson, so I figured I might as well do some shopping while I wait.”

Right, Serah started her lessons last week. She told Anna that she was super excited about “getting to punch bricks and stuff”. Still unsure if she should move yet, Anna adds, “Well I like this place a lot. It’s like one of my top ten places to be- to go. Maybe top five.”

“I’ll make sure to keep that in mind,” Elsa grins like she really is happy to have run into her. She shifts her gaze down and remarks, “Oh, that’s a really nice chopping board.”

Oh. Right. The chopping board’s…still in her cart. Anna lifts it up and holds it like she’s showing off the finest new features in chopping board technology. “Yeah thanks, it’s on sale actually.”

“That’s good news, I’m looking to replace the one we have. I’m tired of scraping plastic off my chicken when I’m cutting it.” Anna knows this, of course, because Elsa’s muttered it to herself every time she’s in the kitchen. “Which aisle did you find that in?”

Forgetting why she has the chopping board in the first place, Anna holds it out and says, “Oh it’s okay, you can just have this one?”

“Are you sure? Don’t you need it?”

Now remembering why she has it, Anna shamefully pulls it away, “Yes. I mean no. No I don’t, I don’t need it. It’s in my cart, but I don’t need it.”

Elsa’s eyes narrow, “I-I’m sorry, I’m confused.”

Well this is happening. And it’ll be even more awkward to explain things if she shows up with the chopping board on Monday. She sighs, finally admitting defeat, “I…I heard you mention you needed a new chopping board, so I wanted to get one for you. This one, actually. This is the one I was going to buy. And then give it to you on Monday.”

Elsa goes from confused to flattered in a second, and much like all of her expressions there’s an inarguable authenticity to it. There’s no exaggerated gasp or a drawn-out “Awww”, instead there’s a smile that could melt a million hearts and a casual touching of Anna’s upper arm.

“I knew I picked a good one,” Elsa says, oblivious to the screaming and fireworks occurring in Anna’s head.

“Ah, i-it’s nothing really. I’m using my paycheck, so in a way you’re buying it yourself haha,” Anna tries to laugh but she squeaks like someone’s just pumped her full of helium.

“Nonetheless, you’ve helped lift so much stress off your shoulders and I want to show how much I appreciate you.” Elsa straightens up a little and looks at the frazzled redhead curiously, “What do you think about coffee?”

“You mean like a coupon?” Anna shakes her head. “I mean a gift card?”

Elsa opens her mouth to respond, but another thought seemingly goes through her head and she purses her lips. A second later, she smiles again, “Yes. Like a gift card. Young people still drink Starbucks, right?”

Anna scoffs, “Ms. Langford, you’re only nine years older than me.”

“And yet you still insist on calling me ‘Ms. Langford’, which always makes me feel much older than I actually am.”

A ton of bricks falls on Anna as she realizes her grave mistake. “Oh my goodness, Ms. La- ah I mean I uh…I’m so sorry. I didn’t- I mean that wasn’t my intention. You’re young, a-and beautiful, and still in your prime. No you haven’t even reached your prime yet! If I made you feel like you weren’t, I’m-”

She’s silenced by the feel of Elsa’s hand coming to rest on…her shoulder? Well that’s new. And exciting. Anna focuses half of her mind on calming down and the other half on what Elsa’s saying.

“Relax Anna, it was just a joke. You can call me whatever you want.” Though Elsa’s voice is reassuring, her smile has a glint of proud mischief from catching her off-guard. “I’m not about to police my favorite babysitter on what words she can use.”

Anna tries to speak but finds her throat too dry. She clears it and tries again, “Really? I’m your favorite babysitter? You’re not just saying that?”

“I went through far too many babysitters before I found you,” Elsa lets out a breathy laugh, eyes glancing to the side as if she’s remembering back to the years she’d had to find the right fit to take care of Serah. Anna wonders what makes her so different from the others, but thinks that’s too invasive to ask. “You’re the best.”

The casual yet loaded compliments and the feel of Elsa’s fingers so close to her bare skin combine to create a dangerous, stomach-churning reaction in Anna. One that sets all her impulses alight, screaming at her to kiss Elsa.

Before she even has the chance to compose herself, Elsa’s already pulled away and is back by the safety of the handrails on her cart. “Well I think I’ve used up enough of your time this weekend. And besides, I need to find something for dinner tonight. I’ll see you Monday, okay?”

Anna blinks, still trying to register things that happened five minutes ago. “Uh yeah, no problem. Sounds great,” she replies without knowing what she’s saying.

Elsa smiles at her and turns the corner, disappearing from direct sight. After an eternity of standing at the end of the aisle like an idiot, Anna groans and covers her face with her hands.

“Stupid,” she mumbles to herself.

[Line Break]

“The evil scientist shouted, ‘This ain’t over, Super Gal! One day-”

Anna presses the buzzer she bought at a dollar store. “There’s no such thing as the word 'ain’t’,” she corrects.

Serah groans, “You’re the worst.”

“You asked a girl with an English degree for help with your story. What did you expect would happen?” Anna taps against the table like an evil villain.

’“I didn’t expect you to not go easy on-”

Anna presses the buzzer again. “Double negative!”

“I’m not even writing!” Serah protests.

“My buzzer, my rules.”

The sound of the front door opening interrupts them bickering like long-lost sisters. Instead of running over to greet Elsa by the door, Serah shouts with exasperation, “Moooom! Anna’s being a jerk!”

“Well that’s what happens when you ask an English major to look over your story, honey,” Elsa replies.

Anna gives Serah a smug grin, the little girl sticks her tongue out in response. Elsa joins them at the dinner table, the tiredness on her face is less concerning tonight but Anna catches her wince when she sits down.

“You okay?” she asks.

Elsa smiles, “Fell off a ladder at work.”

“Oh my gosh, how bad does it hurt? I could-” Anna has to take a pause to let the unhelpful thought of massaging Elsa’s back go away. “-get you some ibuprofen or an ice pack.”

“Thank you, Anna, but I’m sure I’ll be fine in the morning once I sleep it off. After all, I’m not even in my prime yet.” Elsa winks at her, and Anna has to pretend her insides haven’t turned to jelly.

“Is this like that time you fell in the bathroom while trying to pull your pants up?” Serah asks.

“Serah!” Elsa hides her face in her hands, though it’s still possible to tell the remorse she feels through her voice. “Why did I even tell you that story?”

Serah feigns innocence and shrugs, “Because I’m your daughter and you like telling me things?”

Elsa sticks her tongue out in response and it’s much cuter than it has any right to be. Unable to help herself, Anna asks, “Are you sure I can’t do anything for you? I mean like with your back…or whatever.”

Elsa rests her head against one of her hands and doesn’t try to hold back the tiredness in her smile this time. “You’re very sweet, Anna, but I’ll be okay. Just need some rest.” She mumbles afterward, “And a vacation…”

Anna lets her mind wander for a second, thinking of what it would feel like to take Elsa somewhere she could unwind. Like to a spa, or a lake. Elsa feels like the kind of person who finds solitude near water. In her mind, she sees Elsa in a baby blue sundress and a wide brim hat, looking out at the crystal clear waters from a creaky, wooden dock. She sees herself walking down the same dock and Elsa turning to her with a smile, holding a hand out and beckoning her to come over.

“What do you think, Anna?”

The wishful thought dissipates, and Anna’s pulled back into reality by a question she’s not ready for. “Sorry, I was uh…thinking of a story idea. What were you guys talking about?”

Thankfully not asking where Anna’s mind was really at, Elsa repeats herself, “Serah was wondering if you wanted to go to her play tomorrow.”

“I’m playing a tree!” Serah says proudly.

This invitation comes as a wonderful surprise. Serah’s been hyping this play up for forever, but Anna always assumed she would want Elsa to be there. “Oh, I…did something happen? Can you not make it?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t dare miss seeing my little girl play the part of Tree #2. But I really-”

Serah clears her throat obnoxiously loud.

“Right. We would really love it if you came. Tickets are free, but they’ll be selling popcorn and soda for $2.”

“You can sit next to my mom!” Serah adds, and her failed blink shows she knows exactly what she’s implying. It feels odd having a ten-year-old be her wing woman, but Anna’s learning to roll with it.

“No pressure, though,” Elsa says while wringing her hands together. “It’s on a Friday night, and I know you might already have plans.”

“I don’t,” Anna responds far too fast.

Elsa’s eyes widen in surprise, “Oh. Then do you want to go?”

The chance to sit next to Elsa for an hour in a dark auditorium? Anna would be an idiot to pass that opportunity up. And it isn’t lost on her that it felt like Elsa was about to say she would personally love it if she went.

“Sure, I’d love to go.”

[Line Break]

Far too many questions are still punching Anna in the brain as she pulls into West Arendelle Elementary’s parking lot and walks towards the auditorium. Should she have eaten something beforehand? Is she overdressed? Is she underdressed? Should she have texted Elsa to coordinate outfits? What if this is all some elaborate prank to make fun of her for her stupid mom crush? Did she sweat through her shirt? Is it noticeable?

Her crazy thoughts are interrupted by her phone buzzing. She pulls it out of the back pocket of her jeans and sees it’s a text from Elsa. She’s waiting by the door so they can find some seats together.

Well, that eases her worry about trying to find Elsa in a crowded auditorium. Though crowded might be an understatement. It’s a fourth-grade play, not an opera at The Met.

Once inside, Anna takes a second to admire the impressive renovations of what used to be a musty, old gymnasium (they even put in carpets and sound dampeners). But she’s not here to appraise this place, she’s here to root for her favorite fourth grader/tree and keep the ogling of Elsa to a minimum-

Holy baloney, Elsa’s wearing a dress.

It’s got blue-and-white stripes, short sleeves, and a similar colored waist sash. And instead of her hair being in a tight ponytail, the nearly silver locks fall across her shoulders and down her back.

It’s casual, it’s cute, it’s gorgeous, it’s beautiful, and it’s a stark reminder of how absolutely smitten Anna is.

“I was getting worried you might not show up,” Elsa says with a smile akin to the one she showed off at the grocery store.

Up close, Anna also notices a thin, snowflake necklace around Elsa’s slender neck and she’s already failed in keeping her ogling to a minimum. “You can always trust me to keep my promises, Ms. Langford,” she says with a goofy grin meant to reflect something called confidence.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Elsa responds.

Feeling like she has to mention it, and also because her brain’s still currently fried from seeing an angel, Anna adds, “You look beautifuller. I-I mean not like fuller, I just mean you look more beautiful than usual. Oh gosh, not that you usually look bad because you don’t. You never look bad, you’re-”

Elsa lays a hand on Anna’s shoulder again, which might as well be her reset button. “Anna, do me a favor and take a breath.”

Anna takes a breath.

“Good job. Now let’s go find some seats, okay?”

Anna follows her, too caught up on the feeling of being told she did a good job.

They find a spot at the end of an aisle and close enough to the stage that Serah will be able to find them without looking too hard. Elsa takes the seat on the left, Anna takes the seat on the right. They don’t start talking again right away, not until the conversations all across the auditorium become a blanket of white noise.

And then Elsa lets out a breath, “This feels nice.”

Anna turns to her and notices her eyes are closed, but she still commits to perfect posture so it looks like she’s meditating. “What do you mean?” Anna asks.

“Being…present. Not having to rush to make dinner or beat traffic or anything like that. It feels nice to have a break and just be.”

Anna finds it hard to understand what constitutes this as a break, but then again she isn’t a mother. And she doesn’t know much about what it means to take a break anyway.

Elsa tilts her head like she’s about to rest it on Anna’s shoulder, but instead, she turns to look at her. “Thank you again.”

“For the chopping board?”

“For the chopping board, for taking care of Serah, for being someone I can trust…for everything. It’s hard to- I mean you know it hasn’t been easy for me relationship-wise.”

Anna nods. Learning about Elsa’s divorce and her subsequent failed relationships was a part of why she took this job in the first place. She sympathized with the single mother and knew even then that Elsa could really use someone to have her back too.

“So thank you, for being my…the person I needed through all this. My knight in shining armor.”

The lights haven’t dimmed yet, so she needs to hope the blush on her cheeks isn’t too noticeable. She bites the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling too wide, and then says, “Well, outstanding service is the Bizzybee guarantee.” It’s supposed to be a playful joke, but Elsa doesn’t seem to take it as such.

She frowns, “Do you really only see this as a job?”

This is different, but it doesn’t feel like a good different. Elsa doesn’t usually look like she’s staring into her soul, and she hasn’t asked anything this personal since the initial interview. To Anna, the answer is obvious, but she’s also caught up on wondering what answer Elsa wants to hear. If she says the wrong thing, will she lose her job? What’s the right thing to say? When did it get so warm? And is that citrus she smells in Elsa’s hair? Gosh, why is she so weird?

Shrinking further underneath Elsa’s stone-cold curiosity, Anna finally decides to approach this with honesty. “No,” she starts far too softly. “No, I think I would probably do anything for you…r family. You mean a lot to me. Y-you and Serah, I mean.”

She really hopes that doesn’t sound like a confession. The last thing she wants to do is get fired and have to run out of an elementary school auditorium in tears.

A soft, warmth presses against her hand that’s been resting on her seat. Anna looks down and sees Elsa’s hand on top of where hers should be. If this is a dream, then she never wants to wake up.

“Thank you for saying that,” Elsa replies just as softly.

Finally, the lights dim and the principal is on the stage talking about how hard the fourth-graders have worked on this rendition of The Giving Tree. And maybe it means nothing, but Elsa still hasn’t pulled away. Anna pushes away the thought of her own hand being too sweaty, and the notion that this could be a fulfillment of her craziest wish. Right now, she just tries to enjoy the feeling.

Serah turned out to be an excellent Tree #2.

[Line Break]

Next Monday, everything falls apart.

Or at least that’s what it feels like is going to happen when Elsa gets back from work and immediately asks Serah to go to her room so they can talk alone.

Anna’s never seen her this distraught before. Her ponytail is poorly put together, she’s not wearing any makeup, and there’s a coffee stain below her collar. When she asks if she can do anything to help, Elsa’s response is a quick but harsh, “No.”

She stiffens up. “Oh. O-okay, I’m sorry.”

Elsa shakes her head, places her hand on top of one of the kitchen chairs, but then pulls back like it’s hot to the touch. “Could we maybe sit on the couch?”

Right now, Elsa could tell her to cut off her hand and Anna would do it. She nearly trips walking the five feet from the kitchen to the living room couch, and tries to take up the least amount of space as possible when she sits down. Elsa sits on the far side, clutching a pillow to her chest with her mind probably anywhere else but here.

It’s not a good sight, and Anna’s not only worried about the safety of her job, but Elsa’s condition. She purses her lips to keep from saying anything stupid, and hopes this isn’t the horrible nightmare she’s expecting it to be.

Elsa closes her eyes tight, “I’m afraid I have to let you go, Anna.”

Anna completely deflates. Had she not been expecting this, it would have come as a greater shock to her. But when she pushed her luck at the play by trying to hold Elsa’s hand…she knew her days as a babysitter were numbered. “I understand,” she says sadly.

“I don’t think you do,” Elsa replies, quickly turning to look at Anna. Her eyes look like they’re pleading with her, like she doesn’t want to do this. “You were amazing, and I will give you the best endorsement for any job you apply for. But after the play-”

“I know. I was out of line.”

There’s a tense, awkward second of silence where the two women are looking at each other with equal levels of guilt and remorse. Though their reasons are vastly different. Elsa sighs and places the final nail in the coffin, “No, you weren’t.”

…what?

“Anna, I wanted you to hold my hand.”

What?

“You did?” Anna asks, trying her best to curb her optimism. This can’t possibly be going the way she thinks it is.

Elsa nods, “I’m not- well okay, first of all, I don't want to fire you. Serah, she thinks of you as her big sister, and the thought of separating you two tears me up. But this needs to happen because I…having you around…I feel something for you.”

“Feel something?” Maybe someday she’ll be able to say more than two sentences again.

Again, Elsa closes her eyes. A sternness falls on her face which Anna can tell she’s had to use a lot “Say it out loud,” Elsa mutters.

“What’s wrong?”

One agonizing moment later, Elsa reopens her eyes, and the guilt in them has worsened. “I-I’m attracted to you, Anna, and it’s getting to me. Really bad. I can’t sleep without thinking of you, I got a ticket for speeding a couple of weeks ago because I couldn’t wait to get home to you and Serah, and when you held my hand? Gosh, I felt something I never felt with anyone I’ve ever been with. I have feelings for you, and I have to let you go before I do something I might regret.”

She’s not dreaming, Anna knows that for sure because there’s no weird fog around her and Elsa doesn’t have a horse head. Yet she still can’t wrap her mind around the fact that this is happening.

Elsa Langford, the most beautiful mom- hell, the most beautiful woman- she’s ever known has just confessed she has feelings for her.

But she has to know for certain, so she finally musters up the lucidity to ask more than two words. “Do you really mean that?”

Elsa laughs. But it’s not a “gotcha” laugh, it’s a deeply embarrassed, caught-in-the-act laugh Anna’s far too familiar with. “Yes. I like you a lot.”

That’s all the confirmation she needs. With all the social grace of a bowling ball tumbling down the stairs, Anna responds. “I like you a lot too. Like attractively, I-I mean romantically.”

Elsa’s eyes widen, “Really?”

Anna shows off her expertly crafted awkward laugh. “Of course! You’re sweet, caring, and you’re so beautiful I bet a potato sack would look good on you. When I look at you or even think of you, I just see like rainbows and flutes and warm stuff like blankets or bedrooms- I uh, I mean like…soup. It was just a stupid crush at first, but honestly I don’t think I’ve ever felt this strongly for anyone before. Elsa, you’re a dream come true.”

Elsa’s pale complexion makes the redness that appears on her cheeks much brighter and more beautiful than Anna could ever imagine. This magical moment…it’s something she’ll always cherish and will never forget.

“I love the way you say my name,” Elsa says quietly.

“It’s a very pretty name,” Anna adds.

“Gosh, just kiss each other already!” Serah shouts from the hallway.

They talk for another hour. Despite the looming threat of being fired disappearing, Anna still agrees it’s best she stops working for Elsa. There’s now a conflict of interest, and the last thing they want is for either of them to get in trouble. Which means it’s back to job hunting. On the bright side, however, Anna can now come over whenever she wants so Serah will still have her “big sister”.

As for her and Elsa, they both agree to take things slow to make sure they won’t drive each other crazy. In a bad way, obviously. They both have big, stupid crushes on each other, but with Elsa’s track record for relationships and Anna’s overall social awkwardness, it’s clear that attraction will only get them so far. They have to work for this, if this was something to work for. Nonetheless, they remain optimistic and their first date is set for next week.

Elsa just needs to find a babysitter first.

[tothedarkdarkseas]

What type of things do you think 2d wouldn't be able to do with a man? Sexually and emotionally?

Woof. That’s a heavy question. Behind a cut for sensitive material.

This side of it is overlooked sometimes and I haven’t always done the best job representing it myself, but there’s absolutely an element of emotional isolation with another man for Stu. Having any sort of romantic (or undefined, in this case) relationship with a man is… uncharted and uncomfortable. There’s a whole evolving process in his response to Murdoc, though. Stu can and does throw his emotions in Murdoc’s face a lot when he’s around the 20-23 range, particularly when those emotions are about how much Murdoc sucks, but if anything that only highlights how little conscious thought he’s put into his relationship to Murdoc vs, say, Paula. In the beginning he’s not acting dishonestly to Murdoc, and in fact is less honest toward the girlfriend he cares about his image in front of; it’s just that it’s still an immediate surface level “honesty” with Murdoc, a heat-rises kind of honesty. He reacts to what Murdoc’s shown him up to that point and now follows that angry “owed” instinct Murdoc unwittingly split off himself and drove into Stu’s head. You don’t get a sense of Stu being cold, but you don’t get a sense of him being comfortable with any level of vulnerability either, he’s still asserting himself as a winner even when he’s dripping spittle and rage tears. He’s pretty emotionally immature which tends to involve a type of selfish honesty, and in my imagining he gets kinda tetchy, kinda defensive, especially so with Murdoc. He is overall less reserved than a certain stiff-lipped British stereotype, which just kinda supports him not actually being raised any higher than mid-working class– as always I’m not the best source to discuss this stuff, I can’t emphasize enough how much @elapsed-spiral keys me in on the class divide (spoken and unspoken) and the fairly unique relationship Britain has with class. (Also can’t emphasize how much I’ve ripped ideas from them in general, and how much more knowledgeable Danni is on everything about the inherent Britishness of the characters. And on most things.)

All that crap about his emotional profile to say– there’s a shift when that relationship changes into something with sexual undertones, whether they’ve actually had sexual contact or not. To simply exist and be gay is not inherently sexual, but… Stu isn’t exactly a guy I see having an enlightened understanding of the world and himself, not at 20 at least. To Stu, who went to school under Section 28, who was at least complicit in some schoolyard homophobia (regarding the pic in ROTO with the “I’m gay” sign stuck on another boy’s back), who does not feel confident in exactly who he is but has some ideas of who he does not want to be, who has only ever been with women and doesn’t accept those experiences being mocked and invalidated because the conversation about sexuality for working class men was so black and white, who does not know if it’s possible to separate his identity as a man from the fear of being “less of a man” that he’s internalized, who knows he isn’t the ideal of “what a man can be” and feels more doubt about his head traumas and “disfigurement” than he admits and doesn’t want to add another uncertain thing on top of– yeah, to that Stu, his worldview is still rather narrow. The thought that his life, both going forward and his memories until now, would be forced to change in a way he has not reached a healthy place with yet is upsetting. After things take on a certain tone with Murdoc, I think Stu pulls back emotionally but can’t help still spilling over. I do think there are times, very panicked raw times when Stu would be open about what he’s feeling, he’d deliver stream of consciousness anxieties or maybe accuse Murdoc of things, he’d cry while shouting because Stu is simply prone to crying in frustration, he’d certainly show emotion in some form, but day to day things would become more terse. Murdoc would probably prod him until he forces Stu to lash out, but Stu would not put himself in the more threatening, more vulnerable position of maybe being… kinda okay with it. Letting himself feel connected to Murdoc the way he has to a girlfriend. Talking to someone about Murdoc, including Murdoc, in more than just insults. Treating their relationship as a relationship. These are things that I do think could shift around over time. After Phase 3 I think the emotional relationship takes on a much more direct and bitter tone, things go from heated to quite icy, and their relationship stops entirely for several years. When they come back together it’s just with this resigned understanding that they’re part of each other, that no amount of living healthier has ever flushed Murdoc from his system.

Sex is both harder and easier for Stu depending on the context. This is a shortcoming on my end, as I have the characters exist in kind of a nebulous alternate reality more than like a full plotted “AU” so I do tend to… jump around a bit. I’m not married to certain things, and this tends to be one of them. I’ve written Stu being unable to have full penetrative sex with another man, and I’ve written him regrettably having full penetrative sex with another man, and I can’t say I hate either idea or think they can’t work.To be honest, I still sometimes feel like it’s a mistake to have their relationship be quite as explicit as it’s been, and I fall back on the idea in Midnight Coward– that they just can’t. Stu just can’t. I find the concept of “incompatible sexuality” really compelling, even if in this case I headcanon them as the same orientation but just very different places in their comfort with sex… but for admittedly shallow reasons it can be hard to stick to that for every story. In my head, the followup to Ampersands is Stu and Murdoc continuing to smoke and indulge in no-direct-conversation mutual masturbation together, or Murdoc performing oral on Stu (not receiving it in return), but while Murdoc would have anal sex on offer– despite the fact that they’d already done that with Paula– Stu would not be able to repeat it under the new circumstances for a long time. It’s different without her as a buffer. He was able to justify the threesome as “sex with his girlfriend” while Murdoc’s just there, he compartmentalized what that moment could mean in order to act on it, and now he’s able to compartmentalize Murdoc “servicing” him as just… sort of using Murdoc in a masturbatory fashion, something Murdoc’s gladly offering and gladly accepting. It’s not really rational, but it’s something tenuous he can get himself past this threshold for– the threshold for “really” shagging (according to a heteronormative guy’s experiences and what “really counted” as shagging with girls vs what was having a bit of fun) is much further out, and would take a longer time to get past. But on the other hand, it can also feel believable to me that they’d just go way too fast and end in Stu’s brain being a little broken (psst, this is what I’ve taken a break from a more serious unsexy story to write, so I’ve gotta cover my tracks now and defend it.) Now that I think about it, there’d be a meeting point between sex and emotion– I think Stu would have a much easier time getting in physical altercations with Murdoc that allow for sex to happen, being in rougher or less emotionally compromising situations than talking about things like identity and history would be. He’d be… this is an awkward way to phrase it I realize, but he’d be more open to being made aware that sex with Murdoc is just something that could happen. He might get defensive at a lewd joke but he wouldn’t exactly spiral at it. Having an explosive relationship allows room for things to just… explode, as it were. I think that sort of distance from the emotional side (apart from “normal” emotions like anger at Murdoc) makes him feel safer and less like he’s in a vulnerable position, even if he’s in a compromising position. It makes following the cues Murdoc is giving less scary and more instinctive. I think a hard line for Stu (at least for a very long time) is giving oral sex, or kissing Murdoc in a non-sexual environment (as in kissing at breakfast or something.) These don’t feel like things he’s being gratified by and therefore distracted enough to do; these feel like things you do when you want to please someone besides yourself or share intimacy with them. Either of these ideas with Murdoc trigger a flight response in Stu, so he’s out.

(I realize I just talked about Murdoc and not another man in general, but I don’t think Stu had any sort of romantic relationship with another man before Murdoc and unfortunately for him I don’t think he ever seriously has another relationship after. I can’t decide if I think Stu might sleep with another man when the two are separated during the hiatus but I tend to lean toward ehhh, maaaaybe only once, just to jolt himself from the numbness with something that terrified him so deeply once, to see if he’s capable of caring about anything that much again… but I could also easily see that never happening, so.)

[taaroko]

Don’t read if you don’t want spoilers!

No seriously, I hate spoilers and I don’t want to ruin the movie for anyone.

Don’t click to read more unless you’ve seen it or you absolutely don’t care, because I’m here to talk plot implications.

Okay. I want to talk about the timelines Endgame introduced, because if you think all the times they visited are going to continue on the same way as otherwise, you are wrong. The Ancient One explained how it works. There will be new branches kicked off by what they do in their quantum time traveling, which is fine as long as the Infinity Stones go back to where they were so that nothing worse happens.

1970 Branch: I don’t think much would’ve changed in this, but Hank Pym is probably even more paranoid about protecting his technology, and maaaaybe Howard goes on to be ever so slightly a better dad because of that nice chat he had with Howard Potts. 

2012 Branch: Holy crap this one is a mess. I seriously doubt that Main Timeline Steve would ever be able to track down Loki, and who knows where he went with the Tesseract. I headcanon hard that getting slammed repeatedly into the floor by the Hulk snapped him out of some or all of the brainwashing/Mind Stone reprogramming/whatever that he had, so I don’t think he’d have poofed directly to Thanos to hand it over, but now he has a chance to escape punishment on Asgard. Good luck finding him, I guess. Maybe the Ancient One will help. Meanwhile, on Earth, Steve now knows that Bucky is alive, while several major Hydra operatives think Steve is on their side. There is so much potential for things to go wrong.

2013 Branch: Unless Loki saw Main Timeline Thor and Rocket running past his cell or Frigga’s actions were impacted by interacting with Thor, I doubt this one would change. Although there’s also Jane. Unless she lost consciousness when Rocket took the Aether from her and didn’t get a clear look at him, and then Main Timeline Steve (presumably with Heimdall’s help or something?) put the Aether back in place before she woke up, she’s gonna have some major questions, and she is not the type to leave those unanswered. (Also, did they decide not to try getting the Tesseract from this point because it’d be too hard to slip it past Odin, or what? Because if not, that’s a pretty big oversight, and I don’t enjoy using Thor’s drunken depression as a means of handwaving it.)

2014 Branch: This one is pretty nice, because Thanos, all his lieutenants, and both his Outrider and Sakaaran armies are gone several years early. The only downside is for the Guardians, because their Gamora permanently absconded to the Main Timeline, and their Nebula is dead. Now the biggest problems they have to deal with are a Ronan with no army and, eventually, Ego. Is Ronan with no army supplied by Thanos a big enough catalyst to even forge the Guardians into a team/family? I’m really not sure. The army doesn’t come into play until the assault on Xandar itself, so it’s possible. If not, though, then Ego won’t find out about Peter (at least not as soon), which is a really good thing, because a Peter without the Guardians might not be able to fight back against Ego’s sales pitch. Meanwhile, on Earth, without Thanos, the Avengers will need another reason besides the sudden existential threat he provides to get back together after Civil War, but Natasha’s safe and Tony will likely survive to see many more of Morgan’s birthdays and give Pepper anxiety over his inability to permanently quit Iron Manning. In this timeline, the Asgardian ship makes it safely to Earth, with Loki, Heimdall, and all of the refugees alive. Also, Nidavellir is fully populated with dwarves and Eitri’s hands aren’t covered in metal.

Steve’s New Branch: Yeah, I said what I said. You expect me to believe that Steve Rogers went back to the ‘40s, swept Peggy—future founder and director of SHIELD—off her feet, and didn’t act on his knowledge of Zola’s Hydra infiltration plans, Bucky’s survival, and the upcoming threat of Thanos? There is absolutely no way he could keep that low of a profile and live with himself. Also, he’s just about the most famous guy of his era. There’s no way nobody is recognizing him in all those years. Therefore, Steve’s life with Peggy spun off into a separate timeline. I imagine Steve would have garnered a good relationship with Hank and Janet, so that when he needed to, after he had outlived Peggy (and probably his timeline’s Bucky) he could use their technology for a brief return to the Main Timeline to hand off the shield to Sam and say goodbye. Also, I firmly believe that Steve told Bucky his plan before he went back to restore the Stones, and for whatever reason, Bucky declined. The only problem is the frozen Steve in Main Timeline Steve’s new branch. When does Main Timeline Steve wake him up? How does he feel about essentially stealing that Steve’s life, and how does the world react to two Steves once that one isn’t frozen anymore? Is Peggy okay with this? Can they find him a home in some other timeline where Steve died early or something?

Main Timeline: Even though the *past* of the main timeline is the same (including Peggy/Sousa), if I understood what was happening right, things should be pretty screwed up right now. Yay for there being a Gamora in the main timeline once again, but the Guardians+Thor are going to have an interesting time making up for her lost character development. Far more pressing, though, is that the Avengers just dumped everyone who was snapped out of existence into the present time, after five years have gone by without them. Do the writers realize how insane that would be for everyone? Sure, it’s great that these people are alive again, but it’s not like the survivors (and I covered in this post how few of those there would realistically be after the immediate and longer term fallout of the Snap) didn’t continue with their lives. Widows and widowers would have remarried. Orphaned kids would have been adopted. Cars and homes would’ve been sold. Governments are likely still in shambles. The worst irony is that there probably *will* be staggering food shortages now. For my own peace of mind, I have to headcanon that it wasn’t possible to simply cancel out Thanos’s original snap and have everyone retroactively never vanish, because no matter how cute Morgan Stark is, she is not worth this massive universal backlash. So let’s just say bringing the dusted people back to the current time is just the best they could do, and that’s that. And maybe I can assume that the Avengers are smart enough to realize the food shortage problem and use the Stones to double the resources until everything’s as close to normal again as it can be. Still, is Far From Home going to deal with this? All of the kids appear to be the same age, so did they all get snapped? Statistically, there should’ve been a few places getting hit harder than others, so it’s possible. But it bugs me. If they were really set on doing this, we could’ve had Peter awkwardly dealing with the fact that Ned is now 22, along with a good number of his classmates that, from his perspective, he was just on a field trip with a couple days ago. 

I guess the still-running TV shows that are caught up to the present day (meaning Runaways, Cloak & Dagger, and Agents of SHIELD, but probably not Jessica Jones) are going to have to be from the 2014 Branch, though, because how exactly would they be able to deal with this?

[vidderinserts]

(Please tell me if my constant requests are annoying you.) Can I have some Jack just being a good Dad? Like, reader is out of town for a week and he takes care of little baby Searlait, doing videos with her strapped to his chest or sitting in his lap, posting dozens of pictures to instagram, videos being interrupted by "No, sweetie, don't put that in your mouth...", and the fandom squealing about the cuteness? Sorry if this is too detailed/elaborate and thanks in advance!

Baby Boss and Daddy Jack are some of my favorite things right now. Also I feel like Jack wouldn't tell his bab's names. Maybe when she's older the fandom will find out lol"You're sure you're gonna be okay? I can reschedule my trip," Sean waved a hand at you, a playfully offended look on his face."Go! Be free amongst your kin, mon amour!" You stared at him blankly, smacking his arm. "You are so mean to me.""Just promise you'll call Mary if something happens, and then me. I'll hop on the soonest flight back."The mention of calling the neighbor for help with his daughter made the Irishman groan. "We'll be fiiiine mom!" He whined. "We're gonna stay up and drink aaaall the beer! And all your wine.""Just... whatever, don't drink the Sauvignon Blanc I bought for the white elephant at work?"Sean leaned down to kiss your forehead, pulling you against him. "Sweetest, calm down. I know you're nervous but don't be. I've got this, I promise.""I know, I know... I trust you... it's her I don't." You joked, trying to smile. •That was a week ago, and Felix had just called Jack to let him know that he had dropped you off. Now the green bean was bouncing Searlait on his knee as he looked through his Big Idea notebook. "What should we record, Sear?" He mumbled, reaching for his #1 Dad mug. It had been the gift for the fifth day of the advent calendar you had made him (Searlait had gotten a new teething ring and Sean had put a new set of punny rubber bracelets in yours.) The five month old gurgled happily, gumming at the rubber of her pacifier. "Nah, I can't possibly play such a dark game with you here. How about we play... I don't fucking know... ooh, another episode of Would You Rather."•You opened your YouTube app as soon as dinner had finished - visiting with family and friends could be draining, but you wanted to hear Sean before bed and you knew he was probably already asleep. Not that he'd mind you calling, but you didn't want him to be too tired to do anything in the morning. Especially with Searlait and no assistance.You clicked on his newest video and immediately started to giggle as you changed. Pajamas now on, you settled into your bed and hugged a pillow."So as a lot of you might now, Miss-Soon-to be- Mrs. Septiceye is out of town. You know how holidays are. She's visiting back home and Baby is just a bit too young for a trip like that so we stayed behind," he leaned back to show off Searlait, her dark hair mussed from his chin sitting on it. "So today we're playing Would You Rather! And if I pick the lowest rated answer, I'm gonna take a bite of baby food. Now, Baby Boss is still too young to be eating a whole cup of this. She gets a couple spoons everyday, one or two with her formula. Buuuut I can eat like seven of these. The banana ones aren't too bad. We're out of those ones though and left with..."You watched your fiancé lift up a little jar of baby food, a disgusted look in his face. You stifled a laugh with your hand when he groaned. "Sweet squash and chicken. Really. Y/N, if you're watching this, this is fuckin' gross smelling and I'm not surprised our daughter hates it.""Big baby." You mumbled, snuggling under your blankets. The video passed and you were just about to call it a night when you saw the second video he put up. Baby Boss Septiceye Does an Art"Oh good lord." You mumbled, clicking on it. You weren't sure what you expected - Passpartout maybe, or that one VR thing.You weren't expecting it to open to the two loves of your life on the kitchen floor, bottles of paint scattered around them along with brushes and sponges and stamps and paper galore."Top o' the mornin' to ya, ladies! My name is Jacksepticeye and this is Baby Boss Septiceye! Today we're going to be painting. Baby loves when Y/N plays Passpartout on her own time and I thought we could try in real life!"Your daughter blew a spit bubble, taking her father's distracted monologue to try stuffing a sponge on a stick into her mouth. "Baby, no!"You watched the two with a warm, sleepy smile. Suddenly the Instagram posts of Searlait holding a bunch of paper towels with paint in her hair made sense. At some point you were sure she'd probably dumped a bottle of it on herself - or maybe her father.Like mother, like daughter.Maybe you should sign up for a wine and painting class thing with Sean. Felix and Marzia would probably love to watch their god child. Or maybe if Sean didn't like the idea you could talk Marzia into going to one.God you missed them. Missed your rambunctious fiancé, your messy daughter, loud friends... You suddenly couldn't wait for the week to be up. So you opened Instagram again, clicking on Sean's profile. You were greeted with dozens of pictures of the two of them, the last posted at about seven back home. Searlait was falling asleep on his chest, tiny fist clenched around the necklace Sean was wearing- the little heart locket you wore almost daily. Maaaaybe you'd schedule your return flight for a day or two earlier.

[alia15]

How Did We Survive?

It’s 2017.  I’m not sure what, say, my 90-year-old Grandmother envisioned this year would look like when she was born in the 1920s, but we're definitely a futuristic and digitally advanced society that now relies on technology BIG TIME.  Hell, I was born in 1982 and that’s practically the Stone Ages for kids today.  My almost-3-year-old niece will never know a world with landline telephones, answering machines, cassette tapes and dial-up modems.  

We rely so much on technology now that I often wonder how we ever survived without some of the everyday things we use now at work, in our personal lives, for commuting, entertainment and more.  But the thing is?  We did survive.  We didn’t know what we were missing.  We didn’t know how much easier, convenient and enjoyable life could be.  And in a lot of ways, it was a simpler time.  You went to a party/holiday/gathering and everyone was present.  There were no iPhones or dog filters on Snapchat or faces to swipe left/right on looking for a date. 

Here are some of the ways we had to “survive” back in my day:

GPS.  Now?  If I’m ever going anywhere -- a three-hour road trip or a couple towns away to a new restaurant to meet a friend -- I get into my car, plug my iPhone in, type in the address into Google Maps and just...drive.  No questions asked.  The voice on the phone will navigate the ride and tell me where to go, where to turn, how long I have until I arrive at my destination, and when I’ve arrived.  It doesn’t get more simple than that.

But it wasn’t that long ago that “smart phones” didn’t exist, and while the Internet was very much a thing, it was limited.  If you were going on a trip to a different state, you’d go on something called MapQuest (is that even still a thing?) (OMG it is; I just looked) and type in your current location along with your destination.  Then, you’d print it out.  ON PAPER.  How the hell did we do this?  It’s absolutely psychotic.  You’d have six pages of directions with tiny ass font and had to drive whilst simultaneously trying to read and follow along and not lose your place.  What an absolute nightmare.  And don’t get me STARTED on pre-Internet days when you had to use maps.  That is absurd.

Uploading pictures online.  Nowadays, go to a wedding, concert, birthday soiree or even just a random night out and you can not only TAKE a photo (or 100 photos, if you’re me) on your phone, but you can instantaneously POST them.  Folks sitting at home; bored, watching TV and covered in Cheeto dust can pull up Facebook or Instagram or whatever and actually see the photo you just put up and watch all the fun you’re having and see the cute outfit you’re rocking in real time.  Cool! Back in high school and college, however, we didn’t have this.  We took pictures, sure -- but we brought out disposable cameras to bars and parties, took 27 photos that night that we never saw and therefore couldn’t redo/retake, and had to wait to get them “developed.”  Then?  You’d bring out that little envelope of 27 photos next time you were seeing your friends so they could look through them and if you were NICE you got “doubles” printed so they could have a copy.  There were no digital versions, there was nothing to post, nothing to make your “Profile Pic,” and CERTAINLY nothing incriminating that sat on the World Wide Web until you died, which, I’m cool with.

DVR.  I don’t watch live TV.  Ever.  I either watch Netflix, stuff On Demand, movies, OR, I record live TV and watch things later.  A little invention called the DVR made this easy for people like me who have the attention spans of gnats and don’t want to be bothered watching 12 minutes of a show and then 5 minutes of a commercial...and then repeating that until it’s over.  No, now we can watch an episode of Dateline uninterrupted and at our own convenience, even if we weren’t home Friday night when it originally aired. (I’m always home on Friday night when it airs, but you get the point)  Glorious!

Growing up, this wasn’t an option.  I wouldn’t have even fathomed or dreamed of a world where this could exist.  If you loved a show, you either saw it when it was on or you didn’t.  End of story, shit outta luck, snooze you lose.  You didn’t get another chance unless that episode ended up being a “repeat” weeks or months later so you could finally catch it.  Suuuuuure, maybe you lived in a modern household where y’all recorded shit on VHS,  but that wasn’t a fool-proof system.  And if you WERE home to watch that night’s episode of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, well, you had to suffer through every commercial.  Those were called “bathroom and snack breaks.”

Music.  Music has become one of the most accessible things on earth, which I LOVE.  Think of a song -- any song that’s ever been recorded since the beginning of time -- and you can hear it.  Right now.  You can purchase it so you have it at your fingertips (er, eardrums?) at your disposal, or you can ‘stream’ it online via sites like Spotify and YouTube.  As a music lover, I can’t think of anything better.

ESPECIALLY because when I was growing up, this wasn’t the case.  You’d listen to the radio and hear a new single by the artist you loved, and would be DYING to hear it again -- except after that initial experience you’d always catch the tail end of it or miss it completely.  You’d then do asinine things like putting a blank cassette tape in your boombox, waiting for hours for said song to play on the radio and hit “record” so you finally had it.  OR, you’d buy an entire tape or CD just because you loved that one single even though the rest of the album was total dog shit.

Phones without Internet.  I have an iPhone, and I use that thing for...every thing.  GPS, camera, texting, phone calls (eh, not really), social media, online dating (eh, not anymore), Googling stuff, you name it. I can’t imagine a time where I didn’t have everything I needed in a tiny little device.  

And believe it or not, I got my first cell phone in high school.  I went out a lot and my parents liked the idea of being able to get in touch with me (or me having a phone in emergencies),  so I got some dinky little Nokia phone that did nothing.  NOTHING!  It made phone calls.  End of list.  You couldn’t “text,” there was no Internet to surf, there were no “apps” and social media wasn’t even a thing then.  Maybe -- MAAAAYBE -- if you were lucky, that thing had some low-budget games on it.  But essentially the phone’s sole purposes was to be, well, a phone.  AKA the very thing I RARELY use my phone for now.

(I had that Pink Razr phone)

So, going back to my original question: how did we survive?  

I think we did just fine.  

What’d I forget to include?  Let me know in the comments!

[all-left-blog]

3/1/18

I think I just invent problems for myself. My work life is finally rewarding, although I don’t make as much money as I’d like, I’ve been out of the house my parents live in for almost two years, I’m not getting wasted every weekend anymore .... so obviously my relationship has to suffer right?

My last real relationship was ... 6? years ago. We were together nearly 7 and he fucked me up something good. I knew he had, but I didn’t realize how much it would effect me getting into another relationship. I’m sure the string of men who only wanted to use me for sex that came after didn’t help. It makes me feel like I have no value and so I’m terrified Jackson will abandon me like Grey did, that he’s just using me to fill time. I know relationships are new to him, and I’m trying not to pressure, but it can be difficult. I just want to know he sees a future for us. I’m not asking him to get married or anything, we only just hit the 6 month mark.He’ll talk about going on awesome trips with Tom and Lisa, but no mention of including me. He’ll say things that don’t sound very much like he expects to ever live together or anything too. I said after I’m not tied up with a lease or AmeriCorps volunteer contract in RI that I’d like to move to CT to be closer. Mind you, this wouldn’t be until January 2019 and we’d have been together nearly a year and a half at that point. But he seemed so against it. He doesn’t want me leaving my support system for him, which I get, but if the relationship is going to progress then what does he expect to happen? I would hope to eventually cohabitate and that means one of us will be in an area where we have less friends. It’s not like I haven’t made friends with his friends either. Which is another weird thing. I feel like I have to beg to be invited to stuff unless it’s hanging out with Erica. I get wanting your own time with your own friends, but in my friend group, if there’s another couple involved, the significant other gets an invite. Especially in big group settings. Most of the time they don’t even take the invite, but it’s still there. We still include them. But it seems Jackson very much wants to keep friend time and hanging out with me separate which sucks because I really like his friends. I want to meet the ones he talks about that I haven’t met and I want him to want to bring me. But I understand his background and reasons too. He’s seen what codependency can do to a couple. I get needing some separation, but I’m not sure he understands how including me in those things makes me feel more secure. And it’s not his job to, and it’s not fair to him, but I still wish he would. Even little gestures. I’d love if he’d change his profile picture to one of us. Which is the stupidest thing, but I brought it up to him because I try to be as open as possible, but he said facebook stuff just isn’t important to him. I get that, but if it’s important to me, and not important to him, then what’s it matter?

I know I’m making mountains out of molehills. I know he loves me, and he’s an excellent boyfriend. It’s just whenever we do have a disagreement, we seem to be directly opposite. My wants and needs on an issue are completely at odds with his. After my last relationship where it was Grey’s way and that was it, I think it’s really important to stick up for what I want, but at what point do I become exactly like him? I can’t always have my way, then I’M the abuser.

So that was my random stream of consciousness for the night. I’m hoping to get my word vomit out here, so I have a clearer picture of what’s going on in my head. Hopefully I’ll stick to it. I might share this with some people. Ace or Ryan ... maaaaybe Rashaa, but probably not the rest of the girls.