#(this is me coping with my upcoming job choice yes it is!)

[dabisbratz]

dilf!nanami/gojo falling for his kid’s kindergarten teacher, opting to even making cute bentos for him bc he recognizes the overworked look he has.. he writes cute little notes as thanks for dealing with his troublemaker, n eventually ends up fucking the sweet teacher after volunteering to ‘stay after school n help him clean up’

[quietrainfan]

Hey! Anyone want some heavy platonic Loceit angsty headcanons I've extracted from the new episode? Well, too bad because it's happening regardless. :)

Yes, also some Unsympathetic Patton. You know what blog you're on. (This interpretation/headcanon shall not die. Not here.)

(Also, this is going to combine my observations and thoughts as well, so sorry in advance if this post turns out as a bit of a mess.)

Alright, so! Orange Side confirmation. How we feelin', Sanders Sides fandom, how we feelin'?

Honestly, the Orange Side theory wasn't something I was really all that into. It was a 'meh, could be cool' headcanon for me personally. But I have to say the way the reveal was handled made me jump in my seat with pure joy. No joke, I audibly gasped when Logan's eyes flashed orange.

It was all downhill from there, I was excited. Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm a sucker for character's eyes glowing when they've reached their limit or are displaying a power they've never shown before, combine that with an unexpected reveal and I'm sold.

Plus, glowing eyes have been a common theme with Unsympathetic content and Dark Side headcanons so you could imagine how the first peak into the Orange Side's existence (or, rather confirmation. we all saw the 'hello' hint, Orange, you cheeky little munchkin.) was his color in Logan's eyes made me feel. It was so cool!!! Ah!

Then Thomas had to tease us again at the end card with our boy Orange's eyes popping up in the darkness, waiting for his chance to be too loud to ignore. Like, the audacity. Who do you think you are, Thomas?! (That was a joke. Sorry, I'm just really pumped.)

Also, Remus got quite a few laughs out of me. Ah, I missed him.

Okay, headcanon time! We're going to do Logan first, then Janus, then combine the two. Sound good? Alright, here we go (Trigger Warning for discussions of alcoholism, please if anything I write here sounds insensitive or inaccurate, let me know and I will edit. Also, no need to read if you don't want to. Stay safe.) :

Logan

Logan knew where to grab for that alcohol bottle.

I mean, I guess that makes sense since he lives there and is naturally the most observant Side. But...that bottle's placement was a little too convenient.

Sure it was played up as a joke and it was funny.

But something about the way Logan threw his coffee into the sink and quickly replaced it with the wine stuck out to me.

I've joked about Logan and/or Janus having to "drink to cope" due to sharing the single brain cell Thomas has amongst all the chaos. But seeing that in an actual episode, even as a gag, is kind of...different.

Let me explain.

This may be a common thing for Logan that he struggles with.

He wakes up early to be the first one to help Thomas start the day, naturally. Logan goes to make his cup of coffee and there's always the lingering urge to take a sip of wine before anyone can see because he just...can't face everyone without needing just a little bit of it to cloud out all the gross, petty, negative feelings he experiences every day around them.

He's logic. He can't be drinking and risk any more harm to Thomas's function.

So, it's a constant battle with coffee vs wine, coffee vs wine, coffee vs wine-

Most of the time Logan is able to resist and go with the coffee.

It doesn't make him feel good in the slightest. If anything it makes him feel even worse knowing he'll be more alert that day.

Logan hates that was even a thought at all. He needs to be alert. Otherwise everything will fall apart. He is the rock in the system and without him everything will crumble.

Such a selfish mindset. He needed to focus.

Other days Logan just doesn't have it in him to discard the wine regardless of how much he wants to.

He knows what the day holds for him. It was all so repetitive at this point. Logan knew when he wasn't able to get through it despite it all.

That didn't stop him from shaming himself for caving. He should be able to handle this. He's made so much progress with resisting it up to this point but today he through it away again because he just had to, right?

Sometimes Logan finds himself "cheating" by hiding a couple drops of wine into his coffee on days when he chose the coffee but later felt particularly bad about...a lot of things, into his second cup.

Logan more often times chooses neither. The temptation for clouding out the others was just too strong and was a waste of time.

Logan is beyond tired of the others.

Every single action they have agitates him now. No matter how minor it is.

Roman's loud voice and constant references makes Logan's toes unconsciously curl beneath his shoes. Even a silent warm smile and wave from the prince fills Logan with an unpleasant tingle in his knuckles.

Virgil's neverending foreboding and unnecessary nasty remarks that he doesn't even bother to filter provokes Logan's new habit of biting his tongue. Any kindness he ever gives him makes his stomach twist.

Patton's nicknames, poking for for a laugh, his "sweet" way of shoving away any objection he may have, how casually he behaves as if he isn't part of any problems- how quickly he's prepared to "bounce back". Logan feels like every word, action from him something steps on a guitar cord in the back of his mind that makes the ugliest, loud, screeching sound. He feels this strange warm fuzzy ache he can't define. All he hears is that cord playing faster and faster the longer he stays in their presence. Logan no longer trusts himself alone with Patton.

Logan thinks if he just separates from the others long enough, the ugly strumming noise will go away.

But he's so wrong.

Logan can hear it even when he's all alone. When it's finally silent, he still can't get rid of it.

It's loudest when Logan is alone in his room. Logan has lost count of how many nights he's spent clenching his head, quietly sobbing, and praying for it to just go away already.

Logan often feels like he's losing it.

On nights where the sounds are particularly louder than usual, he swears he can see orange shadows creeping around him, lights of the color flashing on and off, he sometimes even sees it seeping in and out of the cracks of his door like a thick fog. At times he'll even wake to it glowing absurdly bright through his window.

It's just the sunrise. Logan tells himself. He has to believe that. Everything else looked normal, after all.

What's worse is Logan doesn't know how long he's been hearing this sound or seeing the strange lights.

Patton knows about Logan's late night and early morning struggles.

But surprise, surprise, he pretends as if he's nonthewiser.

If either Virgil or Roman asks about Logan, Patton will answer: "Oh, that silly billy's probably got his head in one of his astronomy books again! I wouldn't bother him right now."

Knowing full well he's having an emotional breakdown in his room that gets worse every day.

Knowing about the little sneaks of alcohol in his hot morning beverage. Might even speak about yummy drink combinations when they hang out in the living room, while Logan is present, specifically and even only on the days Patton knows he's cheating with his bad habit, while he's still drinking it.

The further Logan is to the edge, the better. Patton is still bitter about the events of Redux ending in his favor, after all. He needs leverage from somewhere.

When Thomas left to see Nico, Logan heard the cord again. His chest tightened and though he could feel the tears welling up, he kept them down.

Thomas hasn't been very happy lately. He had to let him have this.

No matter how loud those cords get.

Janus

I noticed that Janus was either unseen by the others or unacknowledged by them.

Janus was near all of them but far enough that he was separated.

He could've just popped up at the end without them noticing but...that's less angsty therefore less fun so-

Janus has been the instigator for bringing Sides that have been hidden away to be brought to light for a long time. If the assumption that Janus let Remus out is true.

He's always been hinting at upcoming events that are sure to come if Thomas continues to ignore certain aspects of himself.

He knows. He knows our Orange boy is getting worse and soon will be too loud to ignore. Janus wants to protect Thomas but that's becoming harder every day. Thomas is making it harder.

Janus will reveal the Orange Side eventually. And very soon. Hell, that's looking like less and less of a choice considering Logan's...outburst.

I think Janus has this painful awareness that he can be seriously hated for doing his job. After all, he's always the one who's forced them to acknowledge uncomfortable truths about Thomas.

He's the one giving them all of those hard pills to swallow and especially after Remus, it is definitely overwhelming and exhausting to be met with.

They question their roles more and more because of how used they are to the fixed mindset Thomas has had for such a long time.

That can't feel good.

Janus knows that his job may cause more hatred to fester the more that's revealed.

Janus is being kept at arms length and he knows that won't stop any time soon.

But he's a clever snake. That won't keep him from keeping an eye on Patton.

(Find it real suspicious that Patton was all mushy with Janus in that end card but still is at a big distance from him.)

Loceit

Janus will sometimes find Logan in the common room with his head in his arms, sprawled out against the coffee table. His glasses being discarded from half his face, unmistakable tears lazily dripping out of his lifeless eyes.

Janus would wordlessly go to the sink and grab a glass, filling it with water.

Janus goes over to Logan, giving him a gentle rub on the back. He urges him to sit up. It takes Logan a few minutes but eventually does.

Janus hands Logan the water, supporting the back of his neck as struggles to get it down, reminding him to take his time.

Janus takes his glasses and gently sets them on the table. He hands Logan some tissues.

Logan lifelessly takes them and tries to clean his face. But he always ends up crying into them.

Janus moves Logan unkempt bangs from his face before moving his head to his shoulder. Janus manifests a warm blanket over Logan and uses a bit of his abilities to soothe the shorter man's pain, tenderly putting pressure on his neck.

Janus and Logan have a talk. Logan always asks why he bothers to stop and comfort him.

"You've helped me through a lot, Logan. Not returning the favor is out of the question."

That was always his answer.

Janus and Logan do this often.

Janus opens up about sometimes needing a bit of a drink himself from time to time. Though mostly that consists of tea more often than not, he sometimes has a glass of wine or two to relax on days when it's particularly hard.

He feels ashamed of it. Janus has to be the strongest out of everyone, especially the Dark Sides. Allowing things to faze him was the worst case scenario. At least, to that degree.

But Janus understands that isn't his fault and urges Logan not to blame himself, either. While he hated that weakness he occasionally submitted to, he wasn't going to let the rare slip up to define the worth of his role.

Logan thinks that Janus really is the strongest out of all of them just for saying things like that and he's being too hard on himself.

On nights when things become too much Janus will sit with Logan and share a drink. They try to have as many conversations without wine as possible but sometimes Janus says "screw it" and sits with Logan with one or two drinks.

Just having Janus there helps Logan choose his coffee in the mornings and feel as if he's being heard even a little bit.

Now if only those cords could actually quiet down, that'd be even better.

[loveafterthefact]

Love After the Fact Chapter 37: The Other Side of the Same Pane

Lance and Adam have a moment

First  Previous  Next

“Hey, beloved.” Lance sets his hand on Keith’s back. “Have you seen Adam?”

Keith turns from Lanval and Gloriana, frowning. “No, I haven’t. Not for a while, actually. Isn’t he supposed to stay close?”

“Yes… I’d better go find him. The only reason he’d disappear like this is if there was an emergency.”

“Send for me if you need help.” Keith smiles.

Lance will not send for Keith if he needs help. The young prince is clearly more than a little intoxicated. He hands his spouse off to Hunk and Pidge with a pointed look.

“Thanks, beloved. I will. Take a minute if you need it.” Lance kisses his spouse’s cheek, runs off without a word. Keith rolls his eyes at his retreating back before turning back to his friends.

Lance slips through hallways, checking all the places Adam could feasibly be before he stumbles upon the attendant entirely by accident.

Adam’s in a dead-ended hallway, sitting on a ledge beneath a stained glass window, feet tucked up to his chest. Like he’s trying to look as small as he feels. Adam doesn’t get like this often. Rarely in all the time Lance has known the man. Lance sighs, settles across from his old friend. “So… why the dramatic posing?”

“Takashi tried to kiss me,” Adam murmurs.

“...Not seeing the problem here, buddy. If Shiro tried to kiss me -well I’d obviously have to decline- but I’d be quiznaking flattered.”

“He tried to kiss me to fulfill some bet with Keith. Otherwise he has to eat a plate of Altean food. Keith has to do the same to you, by the way.”

“Ah.” Lance chuckles, earning a sharp look from his attendant. There are very few things Lance knows more about than Adam, but this is one of them. “I think I see the issue here.”

“Men are idiots?” Adam suggests, clearly still bitter. And visibly hurt, an unusual emotion for the shady attendant.

Most people don’t know, but beneath the slippery exterior, Adam is exceptionally vulnerable. At the end of it all, he’s just another one of Altea’s lost children. The ones who grew up alone. They've all developed their own way of coping: Lanval is a bit self-important to hide his abandonment issues; Lance works himself into the ground to avoid dwelling on his destroyed sense of family and community; and Adam keeps everyone at arm-and-sword's length so no one can hurt him.

It took Lance the better part of a centaphoeb to become friends with him.

“I wish men were that simple. Even if they were, this isn’t an issue of men. It’s an issue of siblings.”

“Siblings?” Adam glances at him. The man has no siblings, no surviving family. He only really has Lance.

“Yes. Here’s what happened. Shiro probably dared Keith, his shy younger brother, to kiss me because we have feelings for each other but we’ve been ignoring it because we're idiots and he's a kit. Keith likely dared Shiro to do the same to you because he was having fun. Shiro, being the meathead-with-a-heart-of-gold older brother, had no choice but to rise to the challenge or be perceived as a coward.”

“So… siblings in cahoots are idiots?”

“Exactly.” Lance grins, watches Adam’s usual slippery second skin slide back over his features. “They play into one another and everything escalates. Sooner or later, things get out of hand. It’s inevitable. Obviously, Shiro took it too far, taking something that would have been very big for you, and trivializing it.”

Adam’s green-and-gold eyes find his, the matching scales still dull. Lance smiles encouragingly. His attendant chuckles, recognizes the upcoming sequence of events. They’ve gone through these motions before. “What should we do about it?”

“Easy. Wait until they eat their Altean meal and then make the first move.” Lance’s curling smirk fades as Adam fades back into his shell. “Are you certain you’re alright?”

“I am at a loss.” The Altean stares through the glass to the frozen world below.

“What about?” Lance asks. He already knows ‘what about’, but he’ll leave it up to his friend whether they talk about it.

“I felt… disappointed.”

“In Shiro?”

Adam huffs, draws a finger down a pane of painted glass. “Not exactly.”

“Disappointed concerning what you might mean to him?”

“It seems that I was a means to an end. I think I understand better now, but at that moment, I felt used.”

“How did you feel before?” Lance asks, propping a foot up on the ledge, resting his cheek on his knee.

“...Noticed.” Adam tips his head against a purple flower petal. “I’m always hidden away, ever present, never seen. It’s nice to be seen and acknowledged, rather than seen and ignored. I understand that remaining unseen is vital to my job, but it’s still nice.”

“It is nice, isn’t it, having something new?” Lance smiles. “So many people criticized my…”

“Slut phase?” Adam suggests.

“Sure. My slut phase. They’d tell me that it would make me less devoted, less capable of love when the time came. But I’ve never felt anything for anyone. Not like I do with Keith. I can’t imagine having that with anyone else. It feels powerful and amazing and I know there’s something special there.”

“Is this leading into some tangent about interplanetary relationships or something?” Adam mumbles. “Because I’m really not in the mood.”

“Nah, I just meant that you and I know what’s right for us, not anybody else. We’re too different from them. If what’s right for you is to be that captain’s… whatever weird dynamic you two end up having, do it. What’s right for me is a real life with Keith, and I am going to do it. After he eats some Altean food.”

“I bet you won’t go through with it. You won’t make him eat it.” Adam smirks. “You’re too soft.”

“Probably. But you’ll enjoy watching Shiro choke on it, won’t you?”

“Indeed I will.” Adam stands, stretching his arms above his head. Lance does the same, arching his back. “Your father wandered off somewhere, just so you know. I followed his trail, but he managed to slip away.”

“He probably went to visit Romelle. He has a soft spot for her. They were friends before the accident.”

“Of course. I forgot. It’s odd for him to not be ruining everything.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me.” Lance tugs on his friend’s arm. “Come on. You need to look like you’re having tons of fun without Shiro. It’ll crush his little heart.”

“That does sound like fun.” Adam smiles for real, a flash of genuine emotion breaking through as he slips off the ledge. “You know me so well.”

“Also, Keith is drunk. It’s really funny.”

“That I’ll have to see.”

Lance grins, linking his arm with Adam’s to tug him along.

[merakiaes]

It’ll Be Different This Time - Jaime Lannister

Pairing: Jaime Lannister x Stark!reader

Requested: Yes

Prompts: None

Warnings/notes: Death, angst, I guess? I put two requests together to save time, hope that’s okay! Unfortunately no smut since it turned out so long. I hope this is alright!

Wordcount: 4371

Description: Being the oldest Stark and having a rocky relationship with Jaime Lannister, meeting again when the battle is about to take place. 

They had warned you. Everyone had warned you. 

They told you not to fall in love. At least not to fall in love with him. But as it turns out, you didn’t take advice very well. Something you’d come to regret more times than one. 

Being the eldest daughter of Ned and Cat Stark all while being married to Jaime Lannister was not easy. 

Since the day you set foot in King’s Landing and Tywin proposed a marriage between the Kingslayer and yourself, you had been constantly pulled between the Lannisters and the Starks. 

It wouldn’t have been a hard choice if you hadn’t loved Jaime, but the truth was that you did. Not from the start, of course, but you slowly grew to do so.

And he grew attracted to you, as well. But you were the only one out of the two of you who were in it to the full. 

And while you wouldn’t have cared had he not led you on, this was exactly what he had done, only to leave you for his sister time after time. 

It drove you crazy.

The fighting was endless. The two of you could be heard shouting and screaming days in and days out, voices echoing through the Red Keep. 

“I’ve had enough!” You yelled at Jaime as you packed a small bag with the necessities you would need for traveling. 

It had been months since your father’s beheading, and of course you had been absolutely heartbroken. But you had stayed strong for Sansa. And although you were ashamed to admit it, being with Jaime had made it easier to cope.

But as always, he wasn’t as deep in it as you were. And you couldn’t take it anymore.

”You can’t leave, not after all this time we’ve spent together.” Jaime told you, following you around the room as you rushed about, grabbing stuff here and there.

”What difference does our time together do?” You yelled back, not wanting to look at him. “I should have left sooner. I hung on because you tricked me into believing things would get better. I’m not making that mistake again. I’m going back to my home, to my family, where my loyalty lies.”

Jaime then grabbed your arm as you passed him, stopping you in your tracks. ”I’m your family, too.”

You looked at him, eyes red to the brim with dried tears. ”I thought so, too. But I was wrong.”

“Please stay.” He begged you. “I will treat you right this time. It will be different.” 

Your heart thudded in your chest, believing his words without hesitation. But your mind was wide awake this time. “You say that every time.” 

“I swear to you. Please don’t go.” He pleaded, eyes heavy with sadness. 

You looked at him, straight into his eyes. ”Do you love Cersei?” 

Jaime’s eyes widened slightly, and you could see him shaking slightly as he answered. ”Yes.”

You nodded to his response. ”Do you love me?”

Jaime grabbed your hands carefully, afraid you might pull away. ”Yes.”

You looked down at your now joined hands, nodding to every answer he was giving you. ”I want you to say it.”

”I just answered it.” Jaime answered, confusion lacing his voice, but you could hear he understood what you meant.

You let your sad expression harden as you looked up at him again. You held his gaze for a moment, looking for something you didn’t even know yourself, before you ordered. ”Say it.”

Jaime opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. You felt your eyes start to sting, as another round of tears started building up. 

The first tear fell and rolled down your cheek as Jaime whispered. ”-I can’t.”

You nodded, still looking into his eyes. ”That’s what I thought.” And with that, you pulled your hands out of his and turned around to resume your packing. 

“But I need you.” You heard him speak from behind you as you pushed a knife into the sheath on your thigh. “I need you here. With me. I’ll change. I know the relationship I have with Cersei is not normal. I’ll try my best to change everything.”

You shook your head. “For some reason I’m having trouble believing that.”

”All she does is take and take. One day, there’s going to be nothing left of you. And I’m not going to stay here just to soothe your loneliness and be thrown away until you finally realize what kind of person she really is.”

“Cersei is different, I know that. And I know our relationship is wrong. But I can change. If you just give me a chance.”

“That’s just the thing, isn’t it, Jaime?” You turned to look at him, finding him standing in the middle of the room right where you had left him, looking everything but fine. “You’re just as bad as her. You’ve hurt a lot of people, you failed them. Just like you failed me. And for what? Your own destruction, that’s what. I just wished you would wake up and see it before it happens.”

You didn’t give him a chance to respond before strapping the satchel to your shoulder and turning around to go for the door. Tears were falling freely down your face by this point, as they seemed to do every day of your life nowadays. 

Your heart was throbbing and thudding and breaking all at the same time, and you found yourself wishing that he would just call out to you, tell you that he loved you. 

Maybe then, he’d actually be able to change. 

But as you reached out to take a hold of the door handle, the only thing he said was a simple, “Don’t.” 

And in that moment you could feel your heart stop the throbbing and thudding, completely shattering into a million pieces. 

You put on a smile through your tears, turning your head over your shoulder to look at him briefly. “Are you going to stop me?” You laughed lightly, already knowing the answer. 

Giving him one last, wet smile, you nodded your head. “Goodbye, Jaime.”

Your heart was heavy during the whole time while traveling, but as you rode further and further North, your heart slowly started beating again. 

You were an adventurer at heart, always had been, but oh, how you loved to be home, you realized as the castle of Winterfell entered your view.

The moment you rode through the gates, Arya and Sansa were all over you, hugging you and crying into your shoulder. 

“Where have you been?” Sansa asked you, brows furrowed and eyes watery as it was finally her turn to greet you for the first time in years, after you had hugged Bran who was sitting off to the side. 

“Emotional hell.” You managed to laugh out through your tears, raising your hand to wipe you nose. 

They all watched you with sad eyes, admiring you for always being able to smile through your pain, but still knowing you weren’t a person who liked to talk about your emotion while they were still raw. 

It was that day you met Brienne for the first time. 

Apparently, Arya had come back only a day before you. And so she was excited to introduce you to the woman who had beat the Hound down to his supposed-death. 

The two of you had gotten on better than the two of you had with anyone before, seeing as you both had history with the one and only Jaime Lannister. 

Neither of you ever went into detail about those histories, but you knew enough to have something to bond over. 

You had missed a lot while being stuck in the royal castle, but you were still aware of the upcoming war, and you wanted to help in any way you could. However, you had never been a fighter like Arya. 

But you hadn’t been quite a lady like Sansa, either. 

You were stuck somewhere in between. You could use a sword, knife and bow, but you weren’t even close to being as skilled as Brienne, Jaime, Jon or Arya. 

So Brienne was the one who took on the responsibility to train you for the battle, forcing you to spend day after day sparring and fighting Podrick in the fields as people ran around, preparing each of their assigned jobs.

It was tough, but just like Arya, you were a quick learner, and even though you still weren’t close to being as good as her and Brienne, it didn’t take long for you to be even with Podrick. 

And of course it was given that the two of you turned it into a competition between the two of you, counting your wins and comparing at the end of the day. 

Despite every night sulking and thinking about Jaime, and despite the war to come, you would admit you were able to have fun in those moments with your siblings, Brienne and Podrick. 

Brienne most of all. 

She had never gotten the chance to grow up as a girl, thanks to her size and looks. And you hadn’t either, courtesy of your lone-wolf tendencies. 

But now that you had met, you slowly started developing one of those friendships you had watched every girl your age have as you grew up. 

This meant her spending many nights with you in your chambers, out of the armor she seemed to always be wearing, just lying down, facing the ceiling and talking for hours. 

You had never felt the need to have friends when you were young. But you couldn’t deny it felt nice. 

On rare occasions, Podrick joined you, but on those days Brienne didn’t let herself show as much emotion as she did when she was alone with you. 

The morning of Jon’s return, you had woken up and gotten ready for the day together with Brienne, her having fallen asleep in your bed the night before. 

You had helped her with her armor, and she had helped you lace your dress. 

And then you had, together, walked down to greet your brother at the gate. 

As he had first noticed you, he had thrown himself out of the saddle while the horse was still moving, almost falling face first in the mud as he bolted towards you and tackled you in a hug, leaving his company bewildered and confused. 

“(Y/N).” He breathed out into your hair as he held your head against his shoulder, other arm wrapped tightly around your torso. 

“I can’t breath.” You wheezed as he squeezed you, causing him to realize his mistake and let go quickly, allowing you to take a breath. 

No more words were spoken. He only looked at you until he was sure you had caught your breath, before taking you into his arms again, even though it could be the other way around with the way he was clinging to you like you were about to disappear. 

After your very long and emotional reunion, he had finally walked over to Daenerys to help her down from her horse, bringing her over to meet the lot of you. 

Sansa had been her usual salty self, but you didn’t blame her. You knew the second you laid eyes on the white haired beauty that she would not let you keep the North independent once she claimed the throne. 

But Sansa and yourself had different ways of acting out. While you weren’t afraid to me rude if needed like Sansa, you usually saved the attitude until it was really needed, opting to be kind to everyone, whether you liked them or not. 

Despite the fact you weren’t sure you wanted the dragon queen on the Iron Throne, your heart reached out to her as Sansa completely dismissed her compliment, a disappointed look overtaking her features. 

So as she turned to you, you gave her a warm smile. Which in turn seemed to give her back at least some of her confidence. 

She shyly smiled back at you, speaking up. “Your brother’s stories about you really do not do your beauty justice.”

This in turn made you smile even harder as you gave your brother a proud glance, before looking back to Daenerys. 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Your Grace.” You told her sincerely, while not wanting her on the throne finding her to be very kind, so far. 

As she went to shake your hand, you gently and slowly pulled her into an embrace as your motherly instincts took over you, careful not to frighten her or stir up her soldiers. 

You saw her advisers and Jon smile out of the corner of your eye, and you could feel the girl tense up in your arms for a moment before melting into it, hugging you back. 

As you came back from each other, the smile on her face was now full-blown and you could see your job of making her feel more welcome was done. 

Thanks to your pleasant first meeting, Dany was much more relaxed and trusting around you than she was Arya and Sansa, even coming to you for advice to get them to warm up to her. 

You knew Arya had the exact same opinion as you did, that being that she didn’t see her fit for the throne, but didn’t mind her as a person. 

Sansa however, was a whole other story. She was just bitter. And even though you understood her motives, it was that kind of approach that was going to get Daenerys to backfire on them, should that ever happen. 

But Sansa, of course, did not listen to anyone but herself. 

It had been a few hours since Jon and Dany had arrived, and her army was still spilling into the castle, the soldiers never seeming to end. 

You were training by yourself behind the castle, the rest of your companions having gone off to some gathering you had been excused from by Daenerys herself so that you could practice your shooting. 

You nocked an arrow, drawing the string back to your ear and letting it go in a few seconds, letting the arrow whiz through the air and watching it sink into the middle of the target. 

You smiled contently to yourself, but jumped in your spot as you heard clapping come from behind you. 

Figuring it was just Podrick, as he had approached you in the same way on various occasions, you turned around with a smirk. 

“See that? At least I’m winning at archery.” You snickered, only to realize it wasn’t Podrick who had clapped after all. 

You stood frozen in your spot as you watched Jaime Lannister approach you with slow steps, a smile resting on his chapped lips. 

“You’ve gotten better. The last time I saw you you had never hit the center.”

Remember how you only got rude when absolutely necessary? Well, this was one of very few moments you would let yourself fall into the trap that was anger.

As you slowly came out of your shock, you wasted no time in glaring at the man in front of you. “What are you doing here?”

Jaime’s cocky grin fell from his face slowly, being replaced with a sad one. “I’m sorry, (Y/N). I should never have let you walk away like I did.”

“You didn’t let me do anything, Jaime.” You scoffed. “I walked out on my own. And I still would have had you tried to stop me.”

“I know. I realize that now.” He told you, as he came to stand closer to you. “I realize what a fool I’ve been. And I would really appreciate if you would take it into consideration to talk to me for a minute or two.”

You looked at him, inspected his face that was starting to wear from age and hard labor. You would be lying if you said you didn’t take his request into consideration, but in the end, you had promised yourself never to fall for his facade again. 

“I don’t think you’re sorry at all.” You spoke after a moment of silence, referring to the apology he had given you as he arrived. “So I have nothing to say to you.”

And with that, you shouldered your bow and quiver and started walking off toward the castle. 

“You must have something to say.” Jaime pleaded as he hurried after you, actually struggling to keep up with your quick pace in his hefty winter boots. “Scream. Shout. Cuss me out. Anything.”

“I have nothing to say to you.” You repeated, keeping your eyes straight ahead so that you wouldn’t have to look at the man who was ever so desperately trying into get himself into your field of view. 

“I know you do.” He kept pressing. “You always used to have something to say.”

Turning to him abruptly, you raised your hand to point your finger into his chest. “While I might see you are a changed man, I am also a changed woman. Changed enough to know that you would never change enough. I only hope it was worth it. I hope you’re happy, because I still wish you the very best, despite it all. I will be happy to fight alongside you when the dead come, but after the battle, I never want to see your face again.”

You finished your rant with a glare, not giving him a second to respond as you turned around once more and hurried up to the castle, leaving Jaime with his mouth wide open as you greeted Brienne with an embrace at the top of the hill. 

You skipped dinner that night, not wanting to see his face among the crowd. But as if feeling your emotions and your hunger, Brienne and Podrick had showed up at your door with three plates of food, and a flagon of wine. 

Together, you ate and conversed as you prepared mentally for the day to come, not in the slightest being prepared for what it had in store. 

The battle was long and rough and the second you were attacked by your first wight, you were more grateful than ever that Brienne had taken time out of her days to teach you how to fight. 

Without her, and Podrick, you would be dead already, though there had been a few close cases. 

Luckily, your people had your back.

You had started off with Brienne, Podrick, and unfortunately, Jaime, but during the time of the battle lost them and instead teamed up with Sandor Clegane and Beric Dondarrion. 

But as they, too, had run off to Gods know where and left you all by yourself, that “unfortunately” you had found yourself thinking of Jaime ever since his arrival, slowly turned into a desperate feeling of wanting him by your side. 

But he was nowhere to be seen, leaving you in complete and utter panic during the whole time. 

It wasn’t until the dead fell that you finally spotted him over by the wall with Brienne and Podrick at his side, not having been far off, after all. 

You had, much to his and your own surprise, shot off like an arrow in his direction, throwing yourself at him and clinging hard onto his body. 

“I thought you were gone. I couldn’t see you anywhere, I-” You ranted, for the first time since leaving King’s Landing letting yourself cry for Jaime Lannister. 

“Shh, shh. I’m here.”

As you had fussed over each other for a while longer, Brienne and Podrick had watched with smiles on their faces, seeing what you didn’t see in that moment, this being the look on Jaime’s face as he inspected yours. 

After helping out with the bodies and reuniting with everyone, you had taken Jaime’s hand and dragged him off towards your chambers with the intent of cleaning his wounds. 

But as you sat on one side of your room, and he on the other, the air was still and quiet, the only thing heard being your shaky breaths as you stared into the floor. 

You had been sitting like this for five minutes. No wound-cleaning had been done, or even attempted, the shock wearing off and leaving you both an awkward and unsure mess. 

You frowned, wanting to say something, but not knowing what. 

Luckily, Jaime spoke up in that very moment. ”I’m a miserable failure.”

You looked up to meet his gaze, finding him already looking at you.

You swallowed, and even though you wanted to protest, he deserved to feel this. ”Yes, you are.” You agreed, nodding slightly all while keeping your heard gaze on him. 

”I failed my duty as a husband.” He continued, voice not wavering once as he spoke.

”Yes, you did.” You nodded again, swallowing as you pushed yourself off the chair, slowly walking in his direction. 

”I could use words of encouragement.” Jaime frowned at this, looking down. 

You nodded again as you came to stand in front of him, grabbing his chin to make him look at you. ”Yes, you could.” And with that, you pressed your lips to his in a kiss. 

Jaime stilled under your touch, but wasted no time in moving his hands to your waist, yours coming to rest at his shoulders. 

Standing up slowly, Jaime towered over you, making you stand on your toes slightly to not break the kiss. 

This kiss weren’t lustful as all of the others you had shared had been. This kiss was sealed with all the emotions that were running through the two of you in this moment. 

Regret, sadness, grief, relief, and dare you say it, love. 

As you pulled away for a second of air before reattaching your lips to his, he started steering you backwards to the bed, the kiss growing more heated by the minute. 

You felt your knees buckle out from underneath you as you hit the bed, the fall leaving your mouth slightly parted to grant Jaime access. 

Tongues caressing each other, your hands trailed up his arms to his shoulders to his neck to his hair, where you let them rest, all while his traveled up your waist, taking your tunic with them. 

You relieved each other of your dirty clothing, piece by piece being shed between kisses, soon leaving you naked and panting as your hands explored his body as his did yours. 

But this was different.

While in King’s Landing, he had barely touched you, he hadn’t looked at you, he had just wanted to get it over and done with, lust and need being the only fuel to his actions. 

Now you were both completely wrecked, hair a mess, skin sticky with sweat and grime and blood, all while you devoured each other like you were the other’s favourite meal. 

And unlike the unbothered face Jaime had sported all the other times, he was frowning the whole time, eyes closed deep in thought and concentration as he kissed every inch of your body until you felt like you were left on fire. 

As he came back up your shoulder, up your neck and to your lips, you looked at each other for the first time, eyes hooded. 

And the look he was currently giving you was more than pleasing, more loving, more sincere, than anything you had ever experienced before. 

Letting your eyes flutter shut again, you tilted your head up to catch him in another long kiss. 

While you pleasured each other Jaime took his sweet time with you, for the first time ever like everything else up to this point, sending you into a state of blitz, but also regret as you thought about how you had turned him away at his arrival. 

You kept going for a long while, before both of you finally reached your peaks together, leaving Jaime to fall down onto your body, head buried in your shoulder in exhaustion. 

You breathed heavily, trying to catch your breath as you looked up into the ceiling. 

Your hand came to touch his back, fingers starting to draw small shapes and patterns on the sweaty skin. 

As you laid there together, gathering your energy back, you felt your skin vibrate as Jaime spoke into your neck. 

But you only heard muffled noises.

“What did you say, my love?” You asked him, using your old nickname for him, not having heard anything other than a mumble as he had his face pressed against your shoulder. 

You felt Jaime raise his head slightly, just about enough for you to be able to hear him, and only then did you notice how wet your shoulder was. 

“I love you.” He whispered, causing your eyebrows to furrow together as you moved your body from underneath his just enough to be able to look at him.

“Are you crying?” You voiced your thoughts, your suspicion being confirmed as you caught sight of his wet eyes and tear-streaked face. 

He said nothing, only looking into your eyes so deeply you felt like he was actually looking into your soul. 

“I love you.” He repeated. “I love you so much. I always have. I was so sure I loved Cersei, that I completely pushed away my own, real, feelings without realizing.” 

You couldn’t help the big grin that broke out on your face at hearing the words tumbling out of his lips. 

The words you had always longed so much to hear were finally being spoken. 

“I’m staying.” He spoke then. “I’m staying with you, here, in Winterfell. If your brother will let me, of course. And I truly am sorry for everyt-”

You grabbed his face in your hands, cutting his rambling and crying off with a kiss, salty tears slipping between your lips and onto your tongue. 

Pulling away after a moment, you rested your forehead against his, not letting go of his face as you spoke with a smile. “I love you, too.”

He smiled, a real smile, and leaned in to kiss you again, before proceeding to fill up a warm bath for the both of you to clean up, where you stayed for the rest of the hour, finally able to be truly happy. 

Tagged: @edarene @anephemeralwoe

(If I forgot you, or you want to be tagged, DM me on which imagines/characters you want to be tagged)

[academiceve]

My Gap Year: Thoughts + Reflections!

I decided to take a gap year around March of 2017. I was stressed out + anxious about my dissertation and graduating from university and I couldn’t find the the time + energy needed for grad school applications. Aditionally, I didn’t have a solid plan for my gap year, which was extremely scary! 

After graduating with a degree in Psychology at the end of April, I was not happy. I went on a relaxing trip to Vienna, Austria with a friend and started working part-time at my university for the summer. I decided to focus on myself, be more open, continue to learn + grow and just take a break from everything. It was nice! At the end of the summer I had secured a full-time job offer, I was offered to volunteer at my university’s Psychology lab by my professor/mentor and was looking to apply to graduate school for my masters degree. I had picked out 4 schools that I wanted to apply to but as I started writing motivational letters and gathering all of the necessary documents together, I decided to apply to only two schools that were my top choices out of the list (more on that later). 

I also promised myself to focus this gap year on self love! I wanted to continue to learn and grow, have meaningful experiences and travel; however, I also wanted to better myself and be happy. I think that deep down I knew that I needed a break, even though I was scared that this gap year could mean a setback in my career and goals... Well, it wasn’t! I promised to make the most out of all of the opportunities that were available to me and I had a wonderful year! I travelled and am still travelling more during the summer, I applied and got accepted to my number one choice masters program and now I know that I will be studying Cognitive Neuroscience this upcoming September! I’m also a lot more happier and have been working on this re-branding project for myself! 

By deciding to be more open to new opportunities and meeting new people, I set myself up for a successful gap year! So I hope that this post encourages you to take a step back and re-evaluate what you want to achieve in life and also what kind of person you want to be! I lost track of who I was during my senior year of undergrad because I was focused on my GPA, research, achievements, etc. This year helped me cope with all of that leftover stress and anxiety! Yes, the future is uncertain but by being more open, I feel like I managed to attract happiness to my life! You can too! So if you’re thinking about a gap year, I say - JUST DO IT! You will regret more not taking a gap year than doing it and planning a nice break from school stress for yourself! Especially, if you’re currently lost, not knowing what you would like to study/do in the future! 

If you’re anxious about the next upcoming months/year and you feel overwhelmed with anxiety and stress, please take it one day at a time! If that’s too hard, you can take it one hour at a time too! 

If you would like to read more from me, click HERE to see other blog posts! You can also follow my studygram HERE for some inspiration! 

[snoedigest]

Life is strange

Not like the game, but life is strange. If you are someone strange.

I wake up in the morning telling myself “Everyday is the fucking same.” On the way to work I have so much bursting out of my chest of things I could be doing. Art, music, and plans for the general wellbeing of our world.

A part of my heart truly believes we can work on mental health and minimize it if we could just change the world a little for people like me. The only options are a dead end job, depression, or an early grave. Self worth is important, and its something inside your soul, but you can’t get that out, because life puts you on this track that you can’t break free from. You need to make money, you need to survive. The caveat is that this world is built for a specific type of person, creative minds have a “rebellious” nature if you will. Not in the sense of im going to fuck everything up, but in the sense of I want to take matters into my own hands and not feel worthless due to a job that just wants me to do the same cycle over and over again. I just need to break free, and I dont know how. My heart beats on a different beat, a different metronome. Its not something I would change ever. Im uniquely me, and I need to break this cycle so I can show everyone what exactly im capable of. If I did, things would be better, magic would happen. I want to give back, but im so tired.

Chronic exhaustion is my biggest enemy, when im finished with my day I’m worthless. I can’t even think about doing things im passionate about and just smoke myself to sleep. Daily. The weekends are spent trying to mentally catch up so I can prepare for the upcoming week and to decompress from the previous week. I feel like a terrible wife, I can’t clean, intimacy is a bitch when you are tired, no matter how bad you want it. Then you self harm and you are to scared to tell anyone, so it sets you back a little more.

Titles and jobs are what make you important to other people, its your first impression. When you are nearly 30 and you say you work as an assistant or Starbucks, you appear as dumb and incompintant. Im too afraid to leave because the first impression I give people with my title is “She’s smart” I am, but if you have a different career choice, they think otherwise. Even though deep down I know the stress would be less intense…maybe. I am my own worst critic anyways. I would most likely just find another way to beat myself to shit and carry work home with me. With art and any previous projects ive done in my life outside of work, I never once felt that. I felt a fire and excitement. My dream would be to change the world, helping people, and protecting our world. Instead im stuck, unable to do a damn thing that feels meaning full. I am by no means a lazy worker, I work hard, very hard. Im one of the best on my team. No one sees that though if you have a “generic” job.

I would love to do things that make me feel beautiful and unique, but thats not “allowed” in the nearly 30 club or careers. Something as simple as waking up in the morning and seeing my big brown eyes peering from vivid and soft pink hair would give my heart a boost that im cute, and I got this. Having a tattoo that reminded me to keep going in a place where I could see if would be perfect and help me move on, because to me, I never see hope. I use to color my hair and cover it with a wig, suddenly gossip appeared around me even with my head down low, I felt embarrassed and covered up my sailor moon yellow hair that made me feel like a magical girl. I cried putting a generic color over it. Another part of my soul died, again. I try to blend in and conform with everyone else now, it got my noticed for a 10 percent raise, and a potential promotion, but is it really worth it? To some, yes. To me, I need to feel like me. On the inside I dont know who I am and Its a war zone in my head. Who am I? This isn’t me. I dont spend money getting my hair done anymore, if I did I wouldn’t know what to ask, so I would just sit in the chair and tell them to make me blend in with the rest of society. I can’t do that, the more I blend in, the more my heart bleeds.

I feel the urge to fall in love, but with no one else besides myself. Its just not possible. Instead I take the the difficulties out on myself. Today I went to the bathroom and cut my legs enough time for my mind to relax and feel level again. Im not sure if its pathetic for a almost 30 year old person to do something I started as a teenager, but now im relaxed enough to kind of share my feelings. It took me 20 times to feel level headed. They are never too deep, but I try to hide them because im embarrassed. I know it hurts other people when they see it, thats never my intention. Its just that I need help. This is my unhealthy coping skill. I suppose its better then doing Meth though? My regret is its almost time for a festival, everyone will most likely see them, even my beloved friends I haven’t seen in a long time.

I dont know how to explain what goes on in my head because bipolar has a stigma, and its not really consistent. For me I have deep lows, never really any highs. I miss feeling happy. God I miss feeling happy. Whats that like? Can I close my eyes and try and think about it? It doesn’t work. I just wish I could stop having manic lows. Because dear god, it hurts. Im scared its going to get the best of me.

[justalittlemango]

Putting things into perspective.

So.. obviously.. this feels like the worst I’ve felt in a long time or maybe ever. Or, I’m just dissociating like crazy and things feel really wack, but maybe I’ve been through wacker things? I’m not sure. I guess that’s the point of this post to put my thoughts into perspective and compare to past experiences. And with some hope it may make me feel a little more positive about what’s going on right now..

Well, I guess the present moment. Why do I feel wack? I mean, I feel lonely. Even though I’m not, I’m friends with and speaking to quite a few people. Probably the most I’ve ever actually spoken to at any point in my life. So not lonely in terms of friendships, I guess it’s the “love” type of loneliness. Because my boyfriend has gone. I don’t know where. He’s been gone for a while. And it’s affecting me like crazy. Most of this stress and anxiety is being triggered by the thought of him. It all happened quite quickly, a couple months ago he was so clingy and sweet and I’d be the same back. A month after, that all changed completely. It was like the boy I fell in love with had gone. I do blame the meds, but I also blame his lack of accountability. And unfortunately, there were a couple of fallouts, both of us ending up getting hurt. I apologised but got nothing. Nothing at all. Just...ghosted. He came back temporarily for a day or so, but left again. It’s quite wack when someone you felt a new level of love for just disappears.

So yeah.. that’s rough. I’m constantly thinking what he could be doing, how he feels about me and all that. Constantly those thoughts dominate my mind. To the point where it’s disrupted my sleep majorly. I keep stressing in my sleep. Insomnia became a nightly occurrence until I was able to retake control of it more recently. However I’m still waking up in the middle of the night, having distressing dreams, sleep paralysis and all that.. I’m going to assume that’s due to all the stress I’m experiencing. My body doesn’t feel too great either so it’s kind of triggering my health anxiety.

This may also be a part of my seasonal depression because I fucking hate the winter and early dark nights. Feels so depressing. I feel quite isolated. So yes, all those issues in one combination isn’t too great. It doesn’t help that I don’t have a house key here so I can’t really go out early in the day. So I’m stuck inside until it’s night. Oh well, not much I can do anyway.. it is a national lockdown again.. and this lockdown has been the roughest one yet. 10x worse than the one last year. Everything seems so bleak on that front but seems like there may be light at the end of the tunnel soon... I hope.

I think there are some similarities with major negative events I’ve had in the past, such as my first love, when I went to uni in 2016 and whatnot. I mean, the predominant feeling here is loneliness, overthinking and stress. Loneliness always has made me feel ultra shitty in comparison to other things. I hate that I feel lonely since I have so many people to speak to, a lot of friends now.. but it still feels lonely.

So. What’s positive right now? Well.. positive news is that this pandemic seems to be coming to an end (at least here) in a few months. I hope. Positive is that my parents are alive and healthy. I’m currently with my parents right now and I don’t have to worry about money, I don’t have to worry about going grocery shopping or anything like that. I myself, I think, am physically healthy too. My health anxiety tells me otherwise, but I’m trying to just believe it when I feel it yknow? I have friends too that are supporting me. I have a lot of stuff that I would’ve only dreamt of as a kid.. like.. all this technology and a big TV, the only important things to me when I was younger lol.

Money is usually a big stress causer for me, but now I am financially stable and should be good for a while as long as I don’t spend like an idiot. So there’s no need to stress over that at least.

So if I compare this moment to times in the past, maybe I can start being more happy and grateful for what I got right now.

Lets rewind to when I was working as a baker. Having to take a 30 minute train and then a 15 minute bus to the supermarket I worked at. Working those horrid weekend shifts. Having to pick up other people’s pieces because they wouldn’t work as hard as I did. I didn’t like the job mostly because colleagues were lazy and the distance I worked. In all fairness, I hated living in that town. There was nothing to do. It felt trashy and grimey. I hated living there when I decided to move there. I was in a relationship that didn’t feel like it was really working out, but held on anyway. It never did get better really. So.. things in reality weren’t better. It felt nice to get a paycheck. But I remember the stress of public transport, the mixed shifts, not knowing what I’m coming into.. et cetera. So things weren’t as good back then.

Fast forward to summer 2018. I mean, I won’t bother here, summer 2018 was one of the most fun time periods I had. Even winter 2018 was fun despite getting robbed. But it was fun going to Coventry a lot, all the bars/gay clubs around there. Going to Pride. Winning free tickets to Comic Con. Integrating with the Splat community on Twitter, feeling so welcomed and happy. It was the best I had felt for a long time.

Summer 2019. Things got dull! Surprise surprise. Health anxiety was still a new concept to me, so when I did have panic attacks, I would go to A&E. I remember those experiences and how awful it felt, especially just being told it was anxiety. That was a frequent worry for me back then. Another worry was my depression. I felt stuck. Still hated living in that town. Nothing to do. Bored. Working long hours. Not too great pay. Having to cover my colleague and doing that wack warehouse job. Having to deal with annoying customers. The stress of all that would be so bad. I remember being sad because I didn’t have enough time in the day to do my hobbies. Arguing with my ex-bf over who’s doing the dishes and cooking etc. I felt like a zombie in that job. Only thing keeping my head up high was my upcoming trip to Canada, quitting my job, moving out and starting university. I didn’t even really have friends at all back then.. I had my one friend, Drop. I didn’t have anybody else necessarily... imagine that now.. though that has happened at points in 2020 too. So yeah, summer 2019 was arguably worse. Mostly with the situation I was in. Dead end job. Stressed. No time. Hated that town. Lonely.

A bit further back.. September 2016 to Early 2017. This was shit. I hated uni. I didn’t get on with my flatmates. My anxiety held me back so much. I felt like such a mess. I was drinking almost everyday to cope. I blew so much of my money. I didn’t go to any lectures. I felt like a failure because I wasn’t attending. Not making friends either. Just in my room doing jack shit. Relationship didn’t feel great either. So I dropped out a couple months later, found a rather unpleasant message said about me in a group chat, and uh yeah, that made me feel wack XD though.. I can’t blame them, I was isolating myself for legit no reason. I also received lovely news that I had a debt needing to be paid off since I dropped out, and it was one I had to pay instantly. I had no choice but to sign on at the job centre and claim jobseeking welfare. It didn’t go well. I slept over some appointments and got penalised. I then left the jobcentre and extended my overdraft to help cover time for my debts. I then went to a different jobcentre. Took me a couple months but then I got my baker job. I just need to remember how horrible that was. I felt like such a mess. A no-hoper. I was partying and going out with my welfare money and a bit of my ex’s money lol (with him of course!) so yeah. That was an extemely difficult situation to escape. It felt impossible to find a job that wanted me. I was grateful for the job I got. Until it got shitty.

And now... fast forward to 2020. The last time I was at my parents house was summer 2020. It felt really strange coming back here for Christmas with all that happened over the summer. I broke up with my ex-bf. It felt like a relief weirdly. I fell in love with a lad that I felt so heavily for. It went well until we would fall out. He and I did break up around July 2020, and then I met somebody who comforted me and made me feel good. But that didn’t last, since I didn’t “love” him and he did for me. So I ended that around Sept 2020. And then, when I started uni for a couple months, that was also one of the worst times I had. I felt lonely. Lost a lot of the friends I made this year (almost all.) My ex-bf was bringing his lad over and having fun and that made me feel weird. Dealing with being single was stressful. I was drinking to cope once again. And yeahhhh...

How I feel right now is similar to Sept 2020 feels when I started uni. Just stressed. Overthinking. Lonely. Wanting to drink a lot. But I won’t let myself abuse alcohol like that. I think I’m coping well for how shitty I feel.. I mean not all the time I feel like this.. but a lot of days I do. But.. at least I am getting on with my work. I am attempting to do my workouts and my Spanish stuff, as well as my portfolio stuff too. Also keeping up contact with a lot of friends. Pushing myself outside my comfort zone. Not being scared to VC friends anymore. I have come quite a long way.

I just need to fix my sleep. And to do that, I need to stop thinking about him. My brain is just so confused about him. One time I will love and miss him, other time I won’t care and want to meet other people. And I’m not really sure how to maintain a dominant side, if that makes sense? The side I would like to stick to is just thinking he’s a time-waster, he’s ghosting me to try and remain distant and that I should just move on... I try my hardest to keep that in my head, but despite all that, whenever I see old messages or pictures, my soft sensitive side comes out again. I really don’t know how to tackle it. THe thing is, I need to tackle it otherwise I will continue to be stressed and not be able to sleep like a normal human again (and god knows I was a normal human before... smh)

I want to retain my view that he’s no good for me, that I deserve better etc.. but it’s like, the meds messed him up.. but why wasn’t he open about it with me? Why did he get so distant from him.. why did he react so bad to my concerns.. why can’t he communicate with me? And now why is he ghosting me rather than sorting it out? Does he want it sorting? Is he wanting to move on? So many questions and unfortunately I just don’t know. Maybe I need to just put my foot down here.

Easier said than done, but if I put my foot down and keep telling myself I deserve better. Listen to what Drop says, I do deserve better and that he is not well, and that the boy I fell in love with is no longer around. He’s gone. Instead, there is a dark shadow of his former self that is ghosting me. I gotta keep reminding myself that there will be better people out there for me. People who won’t treat me like this. And that, as much as I feel bad that the meds did this to him, I can’t respect how he treated me. He’s made me feel all this shit. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care to reply to me. He made a rude remark about my anxiety in a public forum. He’s manipulative. Think about it.. he’s there, he could easily message me, it takes 5 seconds, but it’s CLEAR as ICE that he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t care to do it. And that should be enough for me to put my foot down and remember that he is no sweetheart. He’s not the Dylan I fell in love with, period.

I think if I keep telling myself this, I can do it. I just need to remind myself that I deserve better. It’s not normal to be treated like this, and that honestly it’s a good thing this all happened before him and I met. On the plus side, I could do something with that £250 I was saving to go see him.. I gotta stop being sensitive. I am way better than this. I gotta remember what my mom said too. Mom always knows better. I was a fighter with all the problems I had when I was younger. I shouldn’t let this present shit bring me down. I’m way better than this!

I’m too good for that kind of treatment. I know my worth. I know my values. And now I know his. And yet here I am losing fucking sleep and stressing over him! Imagine!! Well, I want February to be different. Jan was shit. Feb I hope to be better. I will not think about him as much. I just got to remember that he has disrespected me and treated me like trash. I am no longer going to feel bad. He needs to grow up and take some responsibility. I don’t care if this sounds harsh, this is truly coming from the heart. I know for a fact I didn’t deserve the backlash I got from him. Yeah.. maybe I’ll try that. I should try to avoid the habits I tend to do.. like checking his Discord... or his twitter.. or his Switch activity and that. Avoid looking at my twitter cover also. I wish at this point I could just remove him from my bio and cover but I don’t want to fully break.. or do I? I mean.. how can I hold a relationship with someone who acts like this? So yeah. I need to treat this like a breakup.. an official breakup. And that he and I broke up a month or so ago when he decided to ditch me. I shouldn’t feel bad.

And remember the positives: my parents are alive and healthy, I’m with them right now! And that I don’t have to worry about money. No money problems! Not having to worry about groceries either. All I gotta do is my uni work. Pace myself. And I can try find time to do my workouts and Spanish at some point soon. We gonna have a good time Kurt. 

[bluehairedlordwrites]

What Comes Next

Series: None

Prompt: After suffering a deadly car crash, Matthew finds himself somewhere he can’t explain.

Rating: SFW, PG-13 (violence, death, existentialism, life after death)

Notes: This one is a bit more personal. I wrote this a few months ago on a whim after a sudden rush of inspiration, and this is what came of it. I thought it might be worth sharing. Give it a read mayhaps? I won’t do too many like these (unless you enjoy it) so let me know what you think!

Also no, my name is not Matthew. It’s Kyle. Cheers!

Have you ever been in a situation, or in an environment, that you just couldn’t describe? That’s where I was. I wasn’t hot. I wasn’t cold. It wasn’t bright. It wasn’t dark. I could see, so I guess it couldn’t have been dark. But that didn’t make it bright, did it? I don’t know.

“Hello Matthew.” A voice spoke, breaking the chilling silence. I looked ahead, and there was someone in front of me. I couldn’t make out who it was. Or even what it was. I knew they had a face, so I thought they must be human. But they had no defining features. They weren’t man or woman, white, black, or anything in between. If anyone had answers, it was them. But what would I even ask first? I guess I’d start with the easiest one.

“Who are you?” I asked.

The figure chuckled, as if it was an odd question to ask.

“Who am I? Names are no longer relevant dear child. If you must label me... I am... Me.”

Me smiled back at me, as if they provided an actual answer to my question. All it did was confuse me more.

“Okay...” I digressed. “Well, where are we?”

“I think you already know the answer to that.” Me answered cryptically. “Tell me, what is the last thing you remember before coming here?”

I paused for a moment, having to think that over. All these memories came rushing to my brain, but they felt so distant and long ago. Why do they still feel like the last memory I had?

“I...” I tried to gather my thoughts to convey into words. “I was at my girlfriends house. We got in a fight. I remember having a lot to drink, and I... I remember driving away, but... I don’t remember getting home. Why can’t I...”

A sudden realization struck me.

“W-wait, where... am I... am I really..?”

Me smiled, or at least I think they did. It certainly felt like it.

“Yes.” They replied. “On April 2nd, 2019, at approximately 9:52 PM Pacific Standard Time, you crashed your truck into a tree located about 3 miles from your targeted destination.”

I froze. Words failed to escape my mouth. Feelings couldn’t even be comprehended. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t laugh. I couldn’t feel anything. I didn’t even know if it was possible anymore. There was a burning question left on my mind.

“So... is this heaven then?”

“Heaven...” Me responded. “Heaven is a place where all of your dreams are your own reality, you are always in a state of pure euphoria, there is only one emotion; joy. Now tell me Matthew, do you feel joyous right now?”

I’m not even sure why they would ask that. After all the news they unloaded on me, how could I feel joyous? But if I wasn’t joyous, then...

“... No.” I responded. “So... does that mean I’m in hell?”

After my recent behavior, I guess I’d deserve nothing more.

“Hell...” Me answered. “Hell is a place where all of your nightmares are your own reality, you are always in a state of unending pain, there is only one emotion left; fear. Tell me Matthew, are you afraid right now?”

The question felt so obvious. Of course I would be afraid after hearing what he just said.

But for some reason, I didn’t feel that way. My brain was telling me I SHOULD feel that way, but I just couldn’t comprehend the feeling anymore. I couldn’t comprehend anything anymore.

“I...” I slowly answered. “... No... No I’m not.”

Me chuckled back at me. Out of thin air, they pulled a piece of paper and a pen.

“Now Matthew.” They instructed. “I want you to take this paper and pen. And I want you to write down all of your regrets. Even the most minuscule of regrets, all of the ones you can think of.”

They lay the page in front of me. It was at that moment that I realized I was sitting in a chair at a desk the entire time. Or maybe I wasn’t. I wasn’t paying attention to that I guess.

Now I stared at the blank sheet. All of my regrets... I guess I should start with the obvious one. I regret driving in the intoxicated state I was in. I regret getting in that stupid fight in the first place. I couldn’t even remember what it was about anymore. She was mad at me over something, but I know she was only mad because she loved me. I guess I regret not realizing that sooner.

I regret not seeing my mom and dad as much as I should have. They did so much for me growing up. We didn’t always live in the best circumstances, but they always gave everything they could to keep me happy. Really they worked harder than I ever gave them credit for. I can’t even remember the last conversation I had with them. I think my mom told me to remember to get a congratulations card for my Aunt Lauras wedding. I didn’t respond. I didn’t get a card for her either. I hope they don’t postpone the wedding to have my funeral. I don’t think I really deserve it. I think the last thing I said to my dad was something about the Mariners game. We were supposed to go to the upcoming one together. I guess that ship has sailed now.

I regret not making it to my brothers birthday party. He’s a bit younger than me, and I really can’t stand any of his friends. But I got along with him just fine. He deserved to at least have me there. But I skipped it to stay home, get drunk, and watch a movie alone. I think I told him I had to work overtime. I wonder if he knew it was a lie too.

I started to list smaller things. I regret never trying Baskin Robins. I was always a Cold Stone guy, but my girlfriend always wanted to try Baskin again. We never went. I regret never seeing Black Panther. Everyone said it was good, I just never was really interested in it. I regret not going on that road trip with my best friends. I had to work the days they left. I should have known they took priority over my job. I was too scared of getting fired. My boss and I were already on bad terms as is. On that note, I regret not working harder at work. I could have run that place had I put more effort into it. But all I wanted to do was get by off of the bare minimum. Why did I do that anyway? Why was I so lazy about doing things I felt I could love? That’s probably why my band never took off. I regret never spending enough time writing music. I had a talent for it, or at least everyone else thought so. But now it’s wasted.

I regret never getting a dog. My parents always told me it was too much responsibility, but I still always wanted one. I would have been a great owner. If I made the time I could have been at least. Did I even have the time? Probably. Maybe I wasn’t willing enough to put more time in. Or maybe that’s just what my parents believed. I wanted a golden retriever puppy named Sparky. I was gonna teach it how to fetch, how to roll over, how to sit on command... I never even got the chance for that.

I regret not making it to marriage. We had talked around it but I could never work up the courage to ask her. We had been together for a good 5 years then, I knew she was waiting for me to ask. I regret never being able to become a husband. Never being able to become a father. She always wanted kids, but I was never so sure. Now it’s all I can think about. Ironic, I know. Now all I can think about is watching my kid take their first steps, fall down, get back up, go to school, fall in love, make mistakes, learn from them through my guidance, graduate, live their lives... but because of my stupidity tonight, now they’ll never have that chance. Now I’LL never have that chance.

I regret skipping my grandfathers funeral. I was so broken at the time, I didn’t know how to cope with it. I just didn’t want to be seen in that state. I figured if my family saw me crying, they’d try to help me. But I didn’t want help. I just wanted my grandfather back.

I don’t know how long I was writing. Time didn’t seem to have any meaning anymore. Anytime I ran out of space, Me would hand me another sheet to write on. I kept going on like that about every mundane thing I could think of. My hand never cramped, not sure if it even could though.

Finally, I finished everything I could think of, even dating back to sitting by and befriending the kid in first grade who would end up bullying me later on in life. When I was finished, I handed all the pages to Me. Me took them, and began to look them all over. I watched back, slightly embarrassed by some of the things they may be reading.

“Mm.. yes... I see.” Me commentated. “Very interesting.”

Without another word, me ripped the entire stack in half, and threw it in a waste bin next to us.

“H-HEY!” I yelled, lunging for the trash bin. But when I looked inside, it was empty. I looked back up at them, who just stared back. I sat back in my chair.

“You’re here now. There is no place for regret. You made the decisions you made, and now there is no turning back.”

“Wouldn’t that be a perfect reason to be regretful?” I asked.

“No. Had you truly regretted them, you would have done then sooner, right?”

“Well I didn’t-“

“Think you’d be here so soon?” Me interrupted. “Let me guess, ‘there’s always next time?’”

I didn’t want to admit, but I found myself saying that very often.

“All these things you wrote down, you don’t truly regret them. You only do now that you can’t go back and right your wrongs. You were complacent in making the same choice every second of everyday. I’m sure your girlfriend never pressured you about marriage because there was always tomorrow. Now you’re gone, out of her life forever. And she never got the chance to have her dream family with you.”

I was speechless. Everything Me said was true, and it burned to even think of admitting it. Normally I would have swung a fist at them, but I didn’t think it would matter here.

“But she gets a second chance.” Me continues. “She will learn from these regrets, and she will find someone new to share a family with. Had this happened to you, you would have been broken forever, never trying to find someone new, even if that was the dream you had.”

“Well I never got the chance now did I?” I challenged.

“Yes. You did. Every day you didn’t propose, every day you didn’t go buy a dog, every day you didn’t get your aunt a card, you were making the conscious decision to avoid your responsibilities, even when you knew they would make you happy. Why did you do this? Because you knew you always had tomorrow. Well, now you’re here. You wasted all those tomorrows, and that was your decision alone.”

Everything I said, Me would challenge me and shut me down. It was even worse that they were right about everything.

“So now what?” I asked.

“Now you can only hope that everyone else learns from your mistakes, and lives their lives when they have it.”

“So what, I’m just the catalyst for everyone else to learn from?”

“We all have a role to play in this world Matthew.” Me answered. “Perhaps this is yours to play.”

I sighed, slouching down in my chair.

Out of thin air, Me pulled a monitor and placed it on my desk.

“What’s this?” I ask.

“You clearly still hold onto these regrets.” Me replied. “This will show you the lives of everyone you touched, after you left their world. You can watch them perhaps remedy the mistakes you left behind. Maybe your brother will go to the baseball game with your father instead, and that will be a moment they cherish forever. Perhaps your girlfriend will remarry. This is where you can find out.”

I stared at the screen. I saw a series of moments from my friends and families lives. I saw police officers at my girlfriends house. She began weeping into one of their arms. I saw the same sight with my parents. My friends. My bandmates. My coworkers. They all responded in different ways. Even the people I didn’t think I mattered to responded with at the least a sad face. I couldn’t believe what I was watching.

I watched my funeral. So many people gathered around, talking about me, and how much they cherished me. I saw my own body in the casket. My dad talked about what a hard worker I was. He talked about how he cherished the moments we would go to the shooting range, or work on our trucks together, or watch whatever sports game that happened to be on. My mother praised me for being a goodhearted man who everyone got along with. My brother talked about how good I was at guitar, and how jealous he was that I was so gifted with music. He vowed to learn guitar in my stead. My girlfriend spoke in between weeps about how we were to get married, and how she feels bad for pressuring me about kids. She said she feels it was her fault I didn’t propose to her sooner. After that, she begins to cry, and my mother slowly guides her off stage.

“No...” I say, void of any emotion. I’m not sure what I’m even feeling anymore. “That’s not true. That’s not true! I-I was just stupid! Please, tell her it wasn’t her fault!”

“It’s too late for that.” Me responds. I kind of expected that response anyway.

“Will she ever have kids after this? I-I don’t want to be the reason she...” My words trail off, feeling too weak to finish them.

Me gestures to the screen.

“Would you like to find out?” They say mysteriously. I gaze back at the screen. “When you feel you’re finished, take my hand. And I will take you to where you are meant to be.”

I stared at the screen, watching the end of my funeral, seeing people get in their cars and drive away. Do I want to see all of this transpire? Would it be right? I don’t even feel like I deserve these people.

Looking at the screen, I see my best friend put his arm around my girlfriend, who leans into him. They walk to his car, and he opens the passenger seat for her to climb in. He walks over to the drivers seat, gets in, and begins to drive off.

It was clear after that moment; they’d be better off without me. It would be too painful to watch all of this go on without me. Besides... maybe this way, she’ll be happier. She’ll be happier... without me.

“No...” I respond. “I... I think I’ve seen enough.”

Me stretches their hand out. “Are you sure? You cannot come back here after you’ve decided.”

“Yeah.” I stand my ground. “Besides-“ I reach out and grab Me’s hand “- I saw everything I needed to see from that. They’ll be okay.”

Me responded with a smile. They lifted me off my chair, and suddenly we were gently lifting away. I watched the desk get smaller and smaller by the second. I looked back at me... Me... me... it was me. After that sight, all I can remember is feeling warm.

END

[midwifemilktrails]

Midwife-to-Mother

After a fast, 6-hour labor and birth at home, Shayna (a certified-nurse midwife) thought to herself as she was pushing her baby out, ‘how can it be over already?’! She talks about utilizing the best of her ‘midwife brain’ and experience: how to stay healthy in the pregnancy and cope with labor (even checking her own cervix at 8 cm) and when to turn it off so it wouldn’t get in the way of what her body knew. In the true fashion of the midwifery model of care – the balance of information and instinct is what led to Shayna having a smooth, happy and healthy birth.

You worked in a birth center as a certified nurse midwife, what made you choose a home birth?

I chose a homebirth because it felt like the best environment for me to give birth in. I feel safe and happy in my home and I have always pictured birthing my baby in my living room, kitchen, bedroom …wherever, but always in my home. I also didn’t want to get in my car in labor if I didn’t have to ☺

People often will choose a birth center as a happy medium between home and a hospital. Can you explain the similarity and differences of a home birth vs a birth center setting?

A home birth is unique to the individual – their scent, furniture, and artwork is all around them, making it a more individualized birth setting. The birth center is designed to feel warm and inviting for many different types of people. The intent of the birth rooms is to capture the essence of the home environment to make the couples feel peaceful and comfortable while giving birth.

Home birth can be a little more work for the parents. We had to set up our birth tub and prepare for labor with all the necessities, whereas the tub and other essentials are all ready to go at the birth center. When you give birth at home the midwife brings all the tools with her that would be available at a birth center.

One of the biggest differences is whether or not you have to leave your home. Birthing at a birth center requires getting in your car and traveling at some point. Birthing at home allows you to remain in a comfortable setting throughout the whole process.  

However, in both settings, midwifery care is the same.

As a midwife, you know all the best way of preparing for a healthy pregnancy, birth and postpartum. Did you abide by those things of optimal nutrition, exercise, alternative therapies like chiropractic care and acupuncture? What was helpful for you?

Yes! I knew the advice I gave to women, as a midwife was vital to have a healthy pregnancy and postpartum recovery. I decided early on that I needed to take my own advice or I would regret it.

I walked 3 miles a day, 5 days a week. I practiced yoga. I meditated and decreased the stress in my life. I actually avoided social media because I found I was comparing too much of my pregnancy with others and that was bringing negative energy into my life.

Maintaining a healthy diet was really important to me. My partner was a huge support by preparing meals and making sure I was getting the nutrition I needed. He would also take long walks with me, which created a space for us to talk and bond during the pregnancy.

Did you do a childbirth education series for your husband to learn about the labor process and helpful coping techniques?

We planned to but did not end up making the time for a childbirth education class. Fortunately, Nate read The Birth Partner, which he found really helpful.

Did you have any fears or nerves going into the birth? If so, what helped you cope?

About midway through my pregnancy, I had some fears that I worked through with meditation and discussions with Nate. During the last few weeks of pregnancy I wasn’t fearful and tried to welcome the upcoming birth.

Did you feel an added pressure of achieving the birth you desired because you are a midwife.

In many ways, I did feel pressure. I knew there would be many opportunities to discuss the birth with other midwives and friends who are very aware of the birth process and if I didn’t have the birth experience I was hoping for, I feared that I would avoid talking about it. Rather then dreading conversations I wanted to welcome them and feel joyous when I talked about my birth.  

Tell me about your birth experience.

I was 39 weeks and 1 day when I woke up around 7 am ready to make six meals to store in the freezer to have postpartum. I then had a baby at 4:20 pm that afternoon.

I had heavy menstrual-like cramps that wouldn’t go away, so I quickly cleaned my house to distract myself and because people might be coming over. ☺

I vomited my breakfast and my body began shaking, so I figured these cramps are probably not going away.

I got in the tub to help relax my body and instead things got more intense, so I laid on my side in bed for about an hour while still having contractions that were getting stronger.

I had tons of bloody show [vaginal bleeding that comes from the cervix’s capillaries bursting when opening] when I got out of bed, so I thought, ‘Ok this is definitely something’. I called Nate and asked him to come home from work. By the time he got home I was having frequent contractions and they were strong.

We decided to set up the tub and I quickly got in it. Once I was in the tub things went smoothly and I closed my eyes. My body just took over and I couldn’t think about much.

At one point we called the midwife and she came over. I didn’t want her to come too soon but I also hadn’t realized that 4 hours had gone by in the tub and I was in the thick of labor.

When she arrived I was 8 cm and the baby felt low in my pelvis. My body began pushing on its own 20 min later. By the time Hayley came over to assist the midwife I couldn’t believe it was time…everything went so quickly. I remember thinking this is great, just 3 midwives having a baby on a Friday afternoon and of all days – International Midwives Day! I felt so happy and lucky!

How did you know you were in active labor?

I knew I was in active labor when I felt like my body was taking over and I couldn’t really think straight. Talking to Nate was really difficult and when I called my midwife I wasn’t making much sense over the phone. I never really timed my contractions but I knew they were really consistent and strong for at least a minute long, and that reassured me I was in active labor. 

Was your 'midwife brain' still on while you were in labor?

Yes and no. I took what I knew as a midwife such as laying in bed on my side when labor started, getting in the tub, having Nate rub my back, staying hydrated because I had vomited, eating food for energy, etc… I feel like that part of my midwife brain was on.

Eventually my labor brain took over. I never really thought about how my labor was going, I just kept going and let my body take charge. I even checked myself to see how far dilated I was and I remember being surprised because I could feel her head so low and couldn’t believe that it was happening! So I just kind of let go at that point. I knew my body was doing an excellent job and I trusted it.

What did a contraction feel like? Can you describe the intensity?

A contraction is extremely muscular. It’s as if the muscle is trying to work so hard that it’s pushing against you. I could feel most of my contractions in my lower back/side area – not back labor but more on the sides of my body. I remembered it surprised me how I felt them there.

The intensity just slowly increased with time, a blessing your body gives you. At the end the intensity was so strong I felt like it would push my body forward, so I was on my hands and knees and leaning into it quite a bit.

Would you call it pain?

Yes, when I was in the middle of the experience but today, no. I’ve felt pain before when I broke my arm, or recovering from my finger having the nerve “sewn” back together. But labor has such a purpose and I knew it wasn’t going to feel good but it is a bearable process. Having tools to help cope with the contractions helped me to welcome them and let the process keep going. When I broke my arm, I was really scared and that made it painful. With labor, I wasn’t scared at all.

Do you think pain in labor is a choice one makes to feel or no? Or is a personal threshold of pain tolerance?

I think everyone has a history of pain in their lives and how much pain they can tolerate. Every woman who experiences labor has an individual perception of the pain. I think women often compare labor pain to another form of pain they have felt in their lives and decide if it’s bearable or not. I also think fear can play into the pain of labor and make it worse.

With a fast labor it can sometimes feel like too much too soon. Did you experience that?

No, I didn’t really feel like it was too much or I was too overwhelmed by it. I do remember thinking when I was pushing her out that this is it, its over? And how can it be over? I am so lucky.

What helped you cope in the moment? Physically and mentally?

I moved around a lot and that helped physically. I leaned over my bed when I had a contraction and it felt much better to cope that way. At one point Nate gave me a fan to wave in front of me because I felt so hot and it was a great distraction. If I had a big contraction, I would wave it faster. At the very end I moaned when I got a contraction and it was a huge relief. Mentally, I just let go and didn’t think.

How did Nate cope with watching you in labor? Did he feel any fear at any point?

Nate’s answer: I actually felt pretty good during the whole process. There were definitely moments when I couldn’t imagine Shayna dealing with much more pain or enduring labor for any longer but I just kept reminding myself that she was very strong and knew what she’s doing. I also knew the best thing for me to do was to be a good supporter. I really tried to focus on being quiet and gentle and give Shayna the space to cope in whatever way made the most sense to her. I didn’t feel fearful at any point. I trusted Shayna and the process.

Shayna’s answer: Nate was sweet and quiet. He told me that I was doing really well and I could see in his eyes that he was really impressed with me. I couldn’t help but think I’ve seen women labor so many times and this is the first time he is experiencing this and what an exciting and shocking experience that is. I remember the first birth I went to as a doula and I just stared at my friend giving birth, I was useless. But Nate was able to stay present and didn’t seem fearful at all.

You pushed so effectively. Do you think this has something to do with having watched so many women give birth over the years? If so, how can a woman who is not a midwife familiarize herself to that same body knowledge?

I’ve seen women struggle with the pain of pushing and it stalled their pushing stage for hours. When I experienced it myself, I realized yes, it sucks but I want it over. So I pushed harder and felt her move down and I knew I could do it.

I would say to women that when you push, you might feel a lot of sensations, like the baby’s head pushing against your pelvis (not fun) but it’s normal and your body can do it.

What surprised you about your birth experience?

I was definitely most surprised at how fast it was (6 hrs total). I was also surprised that I gave birth in the middle of the day!

What did you learn about yourself after giving birth?

I learned that having a baby of my own was really magical. I was so ecstatic after giving birth! The quiet moments we spent together that evening with just the 3 of us was so beautiful. I didn’t know I would feel so “in the moment” after giving birth and I loved it.

How has your birth experience affected your coping with motherhood?

My birth experience was really great, so in a way I just kept going with those feelings into motherhood. I try to stay present with Willa everyday and just soak it all in. My birth experience was smooth and I try to remind myself as a mother to not think about silly things that could cloud ways to stay present and keep the smoothness going.

What would be your wise words to pass onto other women preparing for and planning a natural birth?

Keep it simple and do what feels right for you and your partner. Stick to a healthy diet, walk as much as you can, and keep your life clutter and stress free. Start listening to your body and trusting it. Also, eat 6 dates a day starting around 35 weeks ☺

[kevingbakeruk]

Post letters: Education, housing plan, youth services and transportation

Post letters: Education, real estate strategy, youth services and transport

RELEASED: 08:00 11 March 2018

Dr Restall states mathematics and literacy need to be a crucial focus. Photo: PA IMAGES

PA Archive/Press Association Images

Letters, contributions and remarks sent out in from Post readers this week.Trade training ought to be optional Dr Leonard Restall, formerly Barking, composes: The view expressed by the principal of Barking and Dagenham College

that some type of employment or trade training must be required within our schools curriculum is stuffed with difficulties. At the minute there are diminishing standards within the instructional systems in mathematics and

literacy skills: 2 basic requirements for additional development and to reduce any experience in these two fundamental subjects could impair the education.Historically education has actually been used as a form of trade training and this idea is still being considered. However you could ask ‘What sort of trade is the training for?’In early days there was scholastic education desired by universities, and specialised technical schools and colleges were for those trainees that were unsatisfactory for

universities. They might pick to go to a technical college or carry on with secondary education. To make trade training or vocational training compulsory would hardly produce the best results for all students although some would get much from it. This offsetting type of obsession needs to be withstood but can be modified to match the uniqueness of the students. To do something that disagrees would be a waste of time and

loan. Research reveals about 80 per cent of employees remain in jobs unsuited to their uniqueness or personality type. Many students study the subjects not best ideal for their type. Choice is a terrific incentive but obsession is wasteful.One resolution is to have choices with the option made by the students in combination with moms and dads and counsellors. Such subject areas as woodworking, metal work, practical chemistry, technical illustration, and accounting to call just a couple of.

Skills in these locations might be beneficial within the office and handy for the trainee in picking what type of work they would need. Credit levels could be developed in the subject locations and each of these subject choices would gain experience from the workplace.Is housebuilding strategy adequate?Terry Justice, Ashton Gardens, Chadwell Heath, writes: The Chief Executive of Barking and Dagenham Council just recently revealed the council intends to

develop 60,000(yes, sixty thousand)new homes in our borough. He refrained from telling us precisely where they are to be put, or for whom they are meant.

We have an unclear clue when we consider the announcement made last week, by the council leader Darren

Rodwell, when he explained a strategy for a”Barcelona-on-Thames”. The negative amongst us may well prefer the title,”Hackney-on-Thames”however we shall, no doubt, discover in due

course.The mad rush to put these match-boxes, under the guise of “inexpensive “houses, on every blade of yard in the location is not something which fills much of our citizens with excited anticipation.There are those people who ask where the newbies are to be utilized, where their kids are to be educated, or where their health is to be made sure and protected.It has become trendy to make extravagant pledges on future housing availability, grounded on hope more than actuality however the announcements are based more on instant panic than long-lasting planning. When these estates were integrated in the early 1930’s, it was to clear the homelessness and the run-down neighborhoods of the East-End of London.Now we remain in imminent risk of recreating them in Barking and Dagenham. We are ending up being grossly overcrowded and unable to cope with individuals we already have and the recommendation that we must be accommodating some third of a million more is completely unimaginable. Has anyone considered what the lifestyle for those unfortunate citizens will become? We should purchase youth services Sian Berry, Green Party London Assembly Member, composes: My work as a Green London assembly member has actually shown that across London,

councils have actually cut over ₤ 30 million from yearly spending plans for youth services in current years.The terrible violence we saw recently is an awful recommendation of warnings by neighborhood activists of the growing risk of knife criminal activity while assistance for youths is cut back.A year ago the Mayor of London told me it wasn’t his

task to plug the spaces left by government cuts in council youth services. However with campaigners I continued, collected the evidence, and now we have actually

won genuine brand-new funds entering into jobs that will help fix some of the damage triggered by these cuts.I’m really delighted to have dealt with this concern and convinced Sadiq Khan to alter his mind. The new ₤ 45 million three-year fund announced in the mayor’s spending plan this month will make a distinction to many young lives in London. In City Hall last week, he informed me that anyone with strategies can begin contacting his group now, and I hope that organisations throughout London that have actually lost funding or have new concepts will apply as quickly as they can. Transport system needs financing Unmesh Desai AM, City and East, writes: The federal government’s careless choice to get rid of ₤ 700 million annually from TfL’s budget is extremely worrying at a time when we have actually heard that traveler numbers on television have actually begun to fall.Worryingly, this cut has caused all non-essential roadway enhancements being postponed for 2 years.The removal of this essential financing comes as a direct outcome of the failure of the previous mayor, Boris Johnson, to make the case to his

own government to keep up financial investment into London’s transport network. It likewise indicates that astoundingly, London is one of the only significant cities on the planet with a public transportation and roadway network that does not receive government funding to support its transport expenses. Regardless of the destructive actions of the federal government, the mayor has actually acted

to protect TfL’s frontline services and sustain his record financial investment into modernising our transport system. At the very same time, the mayor has likewise decreased TfL’s operating expense for the first time in its history-

by ₤ 153 million in the in 2015 alone.I am completely behind the deputy mayor for transport’s recent calls for TfL’s grant to be restored by the government in the upcoming Spring Statement. The government needs to follow the mayor’s lead, get its priorities right and keep the future of our transport network on track.

Source

http://www.barkinganddagenhampost.co.uk:80/post-letters-education-housing-plan-youth-services-and-transport-1-5423374

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Post letters: Education, housing plan, youth services and transportation

Post letters: Education, real estate strategy, youth services and transport

RELEASED: 08:00 11 March 2018

Dr Restall states mathematics and literacy need to be a crucial focus. Photo: PA IMAGES

PA Archive/Press Association Images

Letters, contributions and remarks sent out in from Post readers this week.Trade training ought to be optional Dr Leonard Restall, formerly Barking, composes: The view expressed by the principal of Barking and Dagenham College

that some type of employment or trade training must be required within our schools curriculum is stuffed with difficulties. At the minute there are diminishing standards within the instructional systems in mathematics and

literacy skills: 2 basic requirements for additional development and to reduce any experience in these two fundamental subjects could impair the education.Historically education has actually been used as a form of trade training and this idea is still being considered. However you could ask ‘What sort of trade is the training for?’In early days there was scholastic education desired by universities, and specialised technical schools and colleges were for those trainees that were unsatisfactory for

universities. They might pick to go to a technical college or carry on with secondary education. To make trade training or vocational training compulsory would hardly produce the best results for all students although some would get much from it. This offsetting type of obsession needs to be withstood but can be modified to match the uniqueness of the students. To do something that disagrees would be a waste of time and

loan. Research reveals about 80 per cent of employees remain in jobs unsuited to their uniqueness or personality type. Many students study the subjects not best ideal for their type. Choice is a terrific incentive but obsession is wasteful.One resolution is to have choices with the option made by the students in combination with moms and dads and counsellors. Such subject areas as woodworking, metal work, practical chemistry, technical illustration, and accounting to call just a couple of.

Skills in these locations might be beneficial within the office and handy for the trainee in picking what type of work they would need. Credit levels could be developed in the subject locations and each of these subject choices would gain experience from the workplace.Is housebuilding strategy adequate?Terry Justice, Ashton Gardens, Chadwell Heath, writes: The Chief Executive of Barking and Dagenham Council just recently revealed the council intends to

develop 60,000(yes, sixty thousand)new homes in our borough. He refrained from telling us precisely where they are to be put, or for whom they are meant.

We have an unclear clue when we consider the announcement made last week, by the council leader Darren

Rodwell, when he explained a strategy for a”Barcelona-on-Thames”. The negative amongst us may well prefer the title,”Hackney-on-Thames”however we shall, no doubt, discover in due

course.The mad rush to put these match-boxes, under the guise of “inexpensive “houses, on every blade of yard in the location is not something which fills much of our citizens with excited anticipation.There are those people who ask where the newbies are to be utilized, where their kids are to be educated, or where their health is to be made sure and protected.It has become trendy to make extravagant pledges on future housing availability, grounded on hope more than actuality however the announcements are based more on instant panic than long-lasting planning. When these estates were integrated in the early 1930’s, it was to clear the homelessness and the run-down neighborhoods of the East-End of London.Now we remain in imminent risk of recreating them in Barking and Dagenham. We are ending up being grossly overcrowded and unable to cope with individuals we already have and the recommendation that we must be accommodating some third of a million more is completely unimaginable. Has anyone considered what the lifestyle for those unfortunate citizens will become? We should purchase youth services Sian Berry, Green Party London Assembly Member, composes: My work as a Green London assembly member has actually shown that across London,

councils have actually cut over ₤ 30 million from yearly spending plans for youth services in current years.The terrible violence we saw recently is an awful recommendation of warnings by neighborhood activists of the growing risk of knife criminal activity while assistance for youths is cut back.A year ago the Mayor of London told me it wasn’t his

task to plug the spaces left by government cuts in council youth services. However with campaigners I continued, collected the evidence, and now we have actually

won genuine brand-new funds entering into jobs that will help fix some of the damage triggered by these cuts.I’m really delighted to have dealt with this concern and convinced Sadiq Khan to alter his mind. The new ₤ 45 million three-year fund announced in the mayor’s spending plan this month will make a distinction to many young lives in London. In City Hall last week, he informed me that anyone with strategies can begin contacting his group now, and I hope that organisations throughout London that have actually lost funding or have new concepts will apply as quickly as they can. Transport system needs financing Unmesh Desai AM, City and East, writes: The federal government’s careless choice to get rid of ₤ 700 million annually from TfL’s budget is extremely worrying at a time when we have actually heard that traveler numbers on television have actually begun to fall.Worryingly, this cut has caused all non-essential roadway enhancements being postponed for 2 years.The removal of this essential financing comes as a direct outcome of the failure of the previous mayor, Boris Johnson, to make the case to his

own government to keep up financial investment into London’s transport network. It likewise indicates that astoundingly, London is one of the only significant cities on the planet with a public transportation and roadway network that does not receive government funding to support its transport expenses. Regardless of the destructive actions of the federal government, the mayor has actually acted

to protect TfL’s frontline services and sustain his record financial investment into modernising our transport system. At the very same time, the mayor has likewise decreased TfL’s operating expense for the first time in its history-

by ₤ 153 million in the in 2015 alone.I am completely behind the deputy mayor for transport’s recent calls for TfL’s grant to be restored by the government in the upcoming Spring Statement. The government needs to follow the mayor’s lead, get its priorities right and keep the future of our transport network on track.

Source

http://www.barkinganddagenhampost.co.uk:80/post-letters-education-housing-plan-youth-services-and-transport-1-5423374

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Post letters: Education, housing plan, youth services and transportation

Post letters: Education, real estate strategy, youth services and transport

RELEASED: 08:00 11 March 2018

Dr Restall states mathematics and literacy need to be a crucial focus. Photo: PA IMAGES

PA Archive/Press Association Images

Letters, contributions and remarks sent out in from Post readers this week.Trade training ought to be optional Dr Leonard Restall, formerly Barking, composes: The view expressed by the principal of Barking and Dagenham College

that some type of employment or trade training must be required within our schools curriculum is stuffed with difficulties. At the minute there are diminishing standards within the instructional systems in mathematics and

literacy skills: 2 basic requirements for additional development and to reduce any experience in these two fundamental subjects could impair the education.Historically education has actually been used as a form of trade training and this idea is still being considered. However you could ask ‘What sort of trade is the training for?’In early days there was scholastic education desired by universities, and specialised technical schools and colleges were for those trainees that were unsatisfactory for

universities. They might pick to go to a technical college or carry on with secondary education. To make trade training or vocational training compulsory would hardly produce the best results for all students although some would get much from it. This offsetting type of obsession needs to be withstood but can be modified to match the uniqueness of the students. To do something that disagrees would be a waste of time and

loan. Research reveals about 80 per cent of employees remain in jobs unsuited to their uniqueness or personality type. Many students study the subjects not best ideal for their type. Choice is a terrific incentive but obsession is wasteful.One resolution is to have choices with the option made by the students in combination with moms and dads and counsellors. Such subject areas as woodworking, metal work, practical chemistry, technical illustration, and accounting to call just a couple of.

Skills in these locations might be beneficial within the office and handy for the trainee in picking what type of work they would need. Credit levels could be developed in the subject locations and each of these subject choices would gain experience from the workplace.Is housebuilding strategy adequate?Terry Justice, Ashton Gardens, Chadwell Heath, writes: The Chief Executive of Barking and Dagenham Council just recently revealed the council intends to

develop 60,000(yes, sixty thousand)new homes in our borough. He refrained from telling us precisely where they are to be put, or for whom they are meant.

We have an unclear clue when we consider the announcement made last week, by the council leader Darren

Rodwell, when he explained a strategy for a”Barcelona-on-Thames”. The negative amongst us may well prefer the title,”Hackney-on-Thames”however we shall, no doubt, discover in due

course.The mad rush to put these match-boxes, under the guise of “inexpensive “houses, on every blade of yard in the location is not something which fills much of our citizens with excited anticipation.There are those people who ask where the newbies are to be utilized, where their kids are to be educated, or where their health is to be made sure and protected.It has become trendy to make extravagant pledges on future housing availability, grounded on hope more than actuality however the announcements are based more on instant panic than long-lasting planning. When these estates were integrated in the early 1930’s, it was to clear the homelessness and the run-down neighborhoods of the East-End of London.Now we remain in imminent risk of recreating them in Barking and Dagenham. We are ending up being grossly overcrowded and unable to cope with individuals we already have and the recommendation that we must be accommodating some third of a million more is completely unimaginable. Has anyone considered what the lifestyle for those unfortunate citizens will become? We should purchase youth services Sian Berry, Green Party London Assembly Member, composes: My work as a Green London assembly member has actually shown that across London,

councils have actually cut over ₤ 30 million from yearly spending plans for youth services in current years.The terrible violence we saw recently is an awful recommendation of warnings by neighborhood activists of the growing risk of knife criminal activity while assistance for youths is cut back.A year ago the Mayor of London told me it wasn’t his

task to plug the spaces left by government cuts in council youth services. However with campaigners I continued, collected the evidence, and now we have actually

won genuine brand-new funds entering into jobs that will help fix some of the damage triggered by these cuts.I’m really delighted to have dealt with this concern and convinced Sadiq Khan to alter his mind. The new ₤ 45 million three-year fund announced in the mayor’s spending plan this month will make a distinction to many young lives in London. In City Hall last week, he informed me that anyone with strategies can begin contacting his group now, and I hope that organisations throughout London that have actually lost funding or have new concepts will apply as quickly as they can. Transport system needs financing Unmesh Desai AM, City and East, writes: The federal government’s careless choice to get rid of ₤ 700 million annually from TfL’s budget is extremely worrying at a time when we have actually heard that traveler numbers on television have actually begun to fall.Worryingly, this cut has caused all non-essential roadway enhancements being postponed for 2 years.The removal of this essential financing comes as a direct outcome of the failure of the previous mayor, Boris Johnson, to make the case to his

own government to keep up financial investment into London’s transport network. It likewise indicates that astoundingly, London is one of the only significant cities on the planet with a public transportation and roadway network that does not receive government funding to support its transport expenses. Regardless of the destructive actions of the federal government, the mayor has actually acted

to protect TfL’s frontline services and sustain his record financial investment into modernising our transport system. At the very same time, the mayor has likewise decreased TfL’s operating expense for the first time in its history-

by ₤ 153 million in the in 2015 alone.I am completely behind the deputy mayor for transport’s recent calls for TfL’s grant to be restored by the government in the upcoming Spring Statement. The government needs to follow the mayor’s lead, get its priorities right and keep the future of our transport network on track.

Source

http://www.barkinganddagenhampost.co.uk:80/post-letters-education-housing-plan-youth-services-and-transport-1-5423374

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' Disturbing Schools' Regulation Criticized After Trainee's Arrest.

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