#... So i guess this is my Christmas gift to myself?? xD

[lynslegion]

Hey hello how about 01, 12, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34 and 55 for the HORRIBLE ask game

Ye shall rejoice my friend

I'm gonna answer these under a read more just so I'm not cluttering people's dashes up ^_^

01. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Well, no not really I suppose. My mom passed away although I don't think she'd like who I am now if she were still here. Never met my dad, he left before I was born.

03. Do you regret anything?

Plenty of things I suppose! I guess most of all is not taking better care of my body so now I'm constantly having health issues because of it. Slowly fixing myself back up though so here's hoping that it'll be smooth sailing now ^_^

05. What is your relationship status?

Willingly single. I wouldn't want to date right now since I kinda wanna focus on getting my own life together before worrying about dating and all that.

08. Played any sports?

Youth baseball and soccer. Wasn't much of a fan of baseball but soccer was fun! I eventually fell off with it but I have fond memories of it.

12. Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

Oh yeah, for sure. Longest streak was uh...4 days I think? I had just been put on Adderall and had started playing Conan exiles with my friends so I stayed up for like 4 days straight playing the hell out of it. It was a lot of fun xD

13. Do you hate anyone at the moment?

I mean aside from obvious answers like billionaires and all that, not really! If I don't like someone I tend to just not interact with or think about them.

21. What are your plans for this weekend?

Playing Fallout 3 and New Vegas as well as searching for Christmas gifts! Cutting it a little close I know, I just ran out of time tbh lol.

34. Who/What was your last dream about?

Oh goodness I have kinda abstract dreams, I like to consider them more like movies that I have a first person view of I guess? I can't quite recall what the dream was about specifically but I remember riding around in a cramped car with two people. That's about all I got sadly!

55. Are you mean?

I used to be very mean I think. It's taken a lot of work but I think I've managed to make myself a much nicer person than I was. I try to be very positive now and compliment people and all that, and be much more understanding of mistakes and miscommunications. I used to be very short tempered and would lash out, but I realized that I wouldn't want to be around someone like that so why should I do that to other people? Anyways I'd like to think I'm not mean anymore.

Thank you for all of the questions, I really appreciate them! I hope you have a wonderful day! ^_^

[iateyourwaffles]

Hey, sorry for not being here again in like almost half a year or so. I just haven’t really been much like myself lately, and I think it’s my m/ental health. I’ve been kinda scared to do the things that make me happy lately, due to some stuff that kinda affected me in the past associated to them. Also, I’ve been staying up late due to lack of sleep, and sometimes I would feel so tired throughout the day. My physical health hasn’t been too good either. I mean, the joint issue will always be something I have to deal with, but it has calmed down a bit these last few months, still kinda h/urts though. There’s a certain area around my mouth, like the t/ooth part, that feels like a tight p/ain at times and it h/urts. I went to the d/entist back in early december and they said that they checked that part last time and they didn’t see anything. :/ I go back later on this month, so I think I will probably try and ask them about it then. I’m kinda hoping it’s just the joint issue I have, and it’s mostly affecting that part. I hope it goes away or at least calms down. It’s been like that for a while now, though ever since a bit after I went to get my cleaning back in october. I got my cleaning on hallowe/en.

I got my costume so I got to dress up as my favorite character for fall. I had some spice apple and pu/mpkin doughnuts and my brother and I helped put up decorations for the hallo/ween party we made at home for our younger si/blings. I also got to go shopping with my aunt, and we got to hang out for the day back in november. My aunt recommended me a pe/ppermint bark w/ white c/hocolate coffee,and it was really good. My aunt said that her and I share similar tastes. xD. I also showed her my Tsukasa plushies after she showed me her p/rep nd l/anding plushies. She said they were cute. I also thought her plushies were cute. We went to the store afterwards, and got to eat at the food court they had there, and she recommended me a fruit sundae and it was really good. I like hanging out with my aunt. I feel like she understands me a bit more, and she makes me feel calm and safe. Christmas was a bit better this year, I had a hard time around last year due to pe/rsonal stuff, so that day was a bit sad back then. I had fun this year. I couldn’t hang out with my aunt though on the day before christmas, due to the snow, so that made me a little sad, but my aunt helped cheer me up since she said we can see each other during the spring to go see a play.  : ) I got to see her for a bit after chrsitmas though, we had fun, and we got to go to a resturant, and ordered some chicken and biscuits. She also gave me and others some gifts. She got me a s/ailor moon t shirt and some jeans with some socks. I loved them. The pants are comfortable and the shirt is cute, and the socks are comfy. 

Happy new year, btw. New year is one of my favorite holidays, so I had fun. I had some pork w/ rice and this food with meat and cheese in them. It was like a dough wrapped w/ meat, my favorites are the ones are the ones with ham and cheese. I like them cause you can personalize them. One year, we put apricot in them and they were good. 

So that’s what’s been happening w/ me lately. However, lately these past few weeks, my mental h/ealth has been slowly af/fecting me. As well as some physical problems. (Like dealing with my joint issues and such.) And lately, again, I have been thinking about my gender. I haven’t given it much thought in a long while, but now, I have had it on my mind again since last week. I guess I’m still trying to figure myself out. (I have mentioned this in a much o/lder post before abt my gender.) Also, I might try and see what I can do abt s/chool this year. I’m trying to stay in a more positive l/ight this year, and try and go to s/chool to start working towards my dream. My aunt is usually the one to help me get into s/chool. I’m studying a language this year a bit more though, which is one of the big parts of my dream, so that’s good. 

Oh, and I recently have been on the leader b/oard on a daily p/oint ra/nkings in one of the games I play (s//if) for about almost half a month now, so that’s something that’s pretty cool I guess. I’m usually around the top 100 or top 500 or so. One time during the first half of the r/esult,I made it to top 10. I was kinda proud. x D I went down to top 40 during the second half though, but it’s okay. I haven’t been ti/eiring for a few days due to perso/nal problems and other rl stuff though. I jumped from top 11000 to top 2000, yesterday, so that was kinda cool. And I got to exchange for a card of one of my favorite characters, that I have been wanting since I started the game years ago. I had happy tears when I got her. I set her up as my m/ain l/eader. And I got my favorite limi/ted card in another game I play. It took a long time to get him, but eventually I got him. (He didn’t come h/ome in my 300 pulls, so I had to exc/hange s//park him. )  :’’)

I hope you enjoy your day. Sorry for r/ambling a bit. ^^; 

[tobesokaylee]

Happy 20th 💕

I soo get being dramatic when sick. I am too. Only want to curl up and cry then tbh.

Not much happened today. I'm done to the last three chapters now and kinda writing them simultaneously XD

Trying to survive the last work week until Christmas break now. :D

My birthday is in April, and I usually have maybe one friend over and have some cake with my family or something. Not much. 🥰

Cows will now forever remind me of you and if I find more cute videos I'll send them you're way.

I got a gift from a friend sent to me today and the stupid post office wants me to pay customs because they somehow don't recognize it as a gift, :( super mean. I thought I was finally done with that shit for the year. (fuck the UK for leaving the eu and making my life hell) 😅

Not much more going on right now, I fear. Read you tomorrow 💕

Happy 20th❤️

Yes! I curl up and complain a lot. Usually about how sick I am and how much it sucks.

Not much longer now with only 5 days til Christmas! That break will be much deserved and much needed. I feel like this week for me is much of a cleansing sort of time, usually around this time I write a letter to myself before New Years and save it to read next year. I didn’t do it last year, but I think I will this year.

I know so many cool people born in April (you included❤️)

Yess! Cows are just so cute and should be enjoyed 🥺. I will happy accept any cow videos you come across! I just love them so!

Ah good old customs, I sent my first gift abroad this year and it was a hassle! I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to fill out the customs forms until I finally figured it out and got it sent. It’s the biggest headache and I hate how they didn’t recognize it being a gift 😒 that’s ridiculous. I guess this should have given it away, but do you live In the UK?

Until tomorrow ❤️

[dzpenumbra]

12/10/22

I'm still eating food, I've been grazing for like 2-3 hours now. I guess. I have such little perception of time, I swear. Hard to gauge because cooking took a long time. I made buffalo chicken crunchwraps, and good lord was it worth the effort!

Today was a much better day. Super productive, high energy. I got the meds for my cat sorted, we have them now, she gets them with her food at 11PM tomorrow. I am putting a notification in my phone now. I did it! I did the normal adult thing! Yay.

I decided to get groceries while I was out. I had to piss real bad the whole time, so it was pretty stressful, but I got it done. $200 for 3 bags of groceries. Like... what the fuck. Like... I'm not even buying meat anymore and this shit is just ridiculously expensive. Please tell me I'm not the only one noticing this. In my "I am barely functioning mid-20's" I was living off of like... frozen meals, energy drinks and gatorade and shit, and I could get like 3-4 bags full of that for like... less than $150. The shit I'm getting now is way cheaper, cooking it all myself, and it's more expensive. Dark times, man.

Anyway, I got home, threw some laundry in - it's super easy and the laundry is like... right below my place, so really conveniently located too. I had like an almost 3 hour conversation with my mom. A really good one. I legit had no idea how long the conversation went on for, I was planning a short one just to check in. We talked Christmas gifts, catching her up on the vet drama, and... my impostor syndrome. My struggle with accepting that I have ADHD. Which, coincidentally, happened to come at the same exact time as my struggle to accept that it's possible for me to be a successful professional artist. And that I even have artistic talent. What a fucking coincidence, huh? Probably just random chance, I'd bet. XD

She helped reassure me, and we talked through the implications, pros and cons of all outcomes. It really helped, I mean that. Just having another perspective on it, and one that has logged a ton of hours around my brain is just... invaluable, honestly. I'm sure any artist reading this could relate, when you work on a super detailed piece for like 30+ hours and even after stepping away and coming back... you still see every little mistake and it doesn't... awe you. Not the way someone else's piece would. But when you see the genuine reaction of someone seeing it for the first time and their jaw hits the floor... Yeah, dude. That can help pull those jaded blinders down a bit. Now take that experience and apply it to... your personality, the way you think, the way you experience life. That's a really tough one to like... get perspective on, especially when you've dedicated a big chunk of your life to trying to "play the game" and fit in. To not draw attention. To be "normal". To function by standards expected of you.

There are a few reasons I've been pushing back against this ADHD thing.

1) I have been misdiagnosed before - with epilepsy. I took it very seriously. I went through tons of med trials. I joined the Epilepsy Foundation. I wore a medical alert necklace every day. I did a 48 hour EEG with an electrode cap that I wore the whole time. Like, I remember vividly standing on my porch smoking cigarettes with gauze wrapped around my head, must've freaked out the neighbors. It was very shameful, very embarrassing, humiliating. And I still feel, even though it was completely naïve and not even my fault, like my actions were like... offensive to people who actually have epilepsy. Even in my ignorance. Yeah, I'm hard on myself, but like 5 years later I still feel that way. And I don't want to do that again.

2) I don't want to feel like I'm looking for an excuse to get me out of responsibilities in life. I have been treated this way constantly. Like I'm lazy or "not motivated" or slow, or dumb, or something. Mostly lazy though. Like "what the fuck, clean your dishes", "just clean your house, you'll feel much better". "Get a job." "Successful people make their bed in the morning." Shit like that. I'm adopting the suspicion of bitter people who hate their lives, people I haven't spoken to in years, and weaponizing that suspicion against myself as a way of talking myself out of a diagnosis I have confirmed at least 3 times. At different stages of my life, too. For fuck's sake, I even got a brain scan that confirmed this. But nope, enough people drilled this into my head at extremely vulnerable times... so... I must be actually lazy. And I must be so desperate to stay lazy and to cheat at life that I'm going to dig up a 20 year old diagnosis and point at it and go "look, look, this means it's okay for dishes to be difficult for me". Again, this overlaps with the impostor thing, because I am saying that. I am saying that dishes are significantly harder for me than neurotypical people, especially consistently doing dishes and staying ahead of them. The only catch here is whether the reason is because of ADHD, and for some reason... I feel like I need a more concrete or more recent diagnosis to really claim that.

I'm sure there are more reasons, but I feel like I'm just ranting and bitching and I'm actually getting bored of hearing myself complain about this. XD

I have been waiting all day to fire up a game of Rimworld, since like 2 days ago, actually. Because I've had so much going on that I haven't had any time to like... chill and unwind until after midnight. Guess what? It's after midnight. -_- Do I unwind with a game for a bit? (which will likely turn into 4AM really quick) Or do I start getting ready for bed?

Gonna say fuck it and roll the dice tonight, see what chance has in store for me.

[cesium-sheep]

taran came over to chat and get their cookie tupperware, arin was feeling kind of quiet for some reason (but I checked on her later and she seems fine, just kind of a let-others-talk day I guess). jackie came to sniff them at first, then decided to run off. but she came back out later, and included them in the petting circuit almost immediately once she’d evaluated the options.

they also brought us birthday and christmas presents from last year XD I got a new jellycat plush (a llama), a cute dumpling nightlight, a candle that reminds them of how our home already smells anyway (kinda woody and sweet, but mellow), a “paper tantrum” notepad they’d waffled about because they were worried it might come off as mean even though it’s a legitimately good choice (given my propensity both for semiverbality under extreme stress and for bluntly announcing to arin that I’m sad), and a barnes and noble gift card :> they also said there was one last thing they just had to get me when they saw it but it won’t get here in time so they’ll have to send it ahead.

when I pulled out the notepad and they were expressing their internal conflict I joked that they’ve heard about my mom and they came back with “I’ve met your mom” and immediately understood why that made it a good choice XD

since arin was being kind of quiet I kept answering for her in terms of what kinds of things she likes, which I did call myself out on after a little bit and stop doing.

it was nice to sit and chat with them, it makes me a little sad that we couldn’t do it more often in the intervening time even though we’ll definitely be back and they’ll still be just as fun to sit and chat with (they included a note in my christmas card about wanting to have a picnic together or something like that). arin was hesitant to lock the door after they left because it meant they’d be gone for real.

we have good friends.

edit: oh and they brought us a big bag of chocolate XD to replace the christmas candy they’d originally had set aside for us 6 months ago.

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Twitter ー Carla Tsukinami [2020 Compilation]

–> This post includes all tweets posted on the official Rejet Twitter account for Carla Tsukinami (@DialoverCarlaT) in 2020.

Shuu l Reiji l Ayato l Kanato l Laito l Subaru l Ruki l Kou l Yuma l Azusa l Shin l Kino

February 14, 2020 (Valentine’s Day)

> What a bothersome lot. I’ll blow all of you away at once.

> When it comes to these things, it’s quality over quantity.

> One precious thing. Obtaining that is more important, don’t you think?

March 14, 2020 (White Day)

> An uncommon guest has come to visit.

> Guess I shall give these ‘marsh mallow’ things Kanato gifted me to Shin.

–> This took me a while to figure out, but Carla wrote he received 魔種麻呂 from Kanato, which isn’t an existing word in Japanese at all. However, when you look at the individual readings of each character, they are pronounced as ‘ma-shu-ma-ro’ or マッシュマロー, the Japanese word for ‘marshmallow’. I guess Carla does not know what a marshmallow is. xD

> I do not know which magic creature has been put into these things. So until I identify them, it seems wise not to eat them.

–> The ‘ma’ character in Carla’s unique spelling of the word ‘marshmallow’ means ‘magic’ on its own, hence why he thinks they’re made from magic beasts living in the Demon World.

> Oi, you. Come closer.

> I heard that today you are supposed to return the favor of last month’s festivity. Following said tradition, I shall thank you as well.

> You are a woman worthy of becoming the bride of a Founder. However, that is not all. You are also a woman I personally do not wish to lose. I am grateful towards the fate that brought us together. Furthermore, I shall fulfill my own duty as well. I vow to protect you, no matter what awaits us in the future.

April 1, 2020 (April Fools)

> Moon March 🌙 E-shop opened

ll Cured dry ham ll

From today onwards, we shall start selling farm fresh and Founder-approached cured dry ham. We can ensure the delivery of high quality products to your doorstep. Only those capable of grasping its value, should press the purchase button.

April 30, 2020

> Come here. We do not get to enjoy such a peaceful time together very often. I shall dote on you plenty to make up for all the lost time. 

> Tell me. Go ahead and explain to me what lovers usually do when together in their room.

May 28, 2020 (Birthday)

> How puzzling. Why do you seem so happy, when it is my birthday being celebrated? However, it is not a bad thing. It appears I can get a sense of fulfillment from seeing you try so hard for my sake. In that case, scoot over. I want to feel you close to me. I want to confirm that you are most definitely by my side by touching you directly.

June 26, 2020

> I cannot believe you are asking me to play the role of a teacher. It seems like you do not quite comprehend your own position.

> Again? Watch your step carefully. How many times must I repeat myself?

June 27, 2020

> You could have simply gone to bed before me.

July 7, 2020 (Tanabata)

> I wish to come across a new art gallery.

July 22, 2020

> I am surprised you are still conscious.

> I forced my fangs inside your flesh. It would have not have been strange for you to faint from the pain.

> Seems like you have become capable of accepting any and all stimuli. When you give me such a commendable reaction, I cannot help but want to ‘dote’ on you even more.

> This time, I will give you something you are always craving for...Exactly, pleasure.

> I shall love you more profoundly.

July 27, 2020

> Dry cured ham represents despair and sadness?

> Why?

August 31, 2020

> The buzzing of cicadas makes for a rather elegant tune.

> Shin. Prepare a watermelon at once.

October 16, 2020

> On my way to the museum, I ran into a certain young man. He was a *

--> In the original Tweet, his sentence cuts off mid-way as well.

> He was a court painter who specializes in portraits. I had him paint my picture, but ultimately, I did not feel very satisfied with the end result.

> My face is not buried that deep inside my scarf. Why did he have to exaggerate it such an extend? For one, a portrait usually takes several days to finish, yet the painter in question finished it in just mere seconds. One should take their time painting a picture of me.

> It truly is a shame, but it seems like his skill level has decreased over time.

October 22, 2020 (DL x Mayla Classic)

> Oi, you. Why are you spacing out in the hallway?

> Aah, Shin said that…? I see.

> In that case, I might have a clue. Follow me.

> Take a look at those stairs.

> Amongst the Wolf Familiars, there’s one which has a bad habit of leaving all shiny objects he stumbles upon on the staircase like that.

> I assume Shin hid the gift in the underground dungeon, hoping you would find it after being ordered to clean the place. However, it was taken away by the Familiar before that, ruining Shin’s plans.

> He should have simply handed it to you. Shin is still quite immature as well, taking such a roundabout approach and then getting upset.

> Oh well, I suppose it is fine. Either way, you should take it.

> This is our gift. From here on out, you should always keep them on you, so they do not get stolen by the Familiar again.

October 31, 2020 (Halloween)

> Trick or Treat...is truly ridiculous. There is no reason to choose one or the other. I shall get my hands on all things I desire. Well then, go ahead and submit your everything to me.

November 11, 2020

> Today calls for a celebration.

> It is ‘cured ham day’. There is not a single day in the whole year worth celebrating more.

> I suppose I should have Shin prepare a few extra legs.*

-> I was really confused by this tweet at first because when I looked up the word 原木, it translates as ‘timber’. However, apparently it is also used to refer to the whole legs of dried ham which come on a wooden stand. 

December 18, 2020

> Why are you making such a face? ...The cold? I see, I suppose humans already show the first signs of hypothermia at this temperature. I cannot simply stand and watch in silence as you continue to freeze. Well then, let me prepare you a cup of hot tea. Let us get warm together.

December 19, 2020

> Woman. This one. Order this one. I desire this drink, its crimson color is vibrant, yet somewhat reminiscent of the dark as well. However, please do not get the wrong idea. I do not feel attracted to it due to its strong resemblance to blood. Any blood other than yours holds no value. Of course, you are special and irreplaceable to me as a person as well.

December 24, 2020 (Christmas)

> Are you enjoying yourself? No, I am not criticizing you for your behavior. When I see you in high spirits, even I get a pleasant feeling inside. I feel like I can sympathize with humans who get excited about Christmas a little better now.

[inspiteallthedanger]

Sad anon here again! Thanks for adding your thoughts to my random feelings dump. The 'he didn't see it coming' bit really struck me - the whiplash of going from presumably being pretty secure in this band and this little gang you've been part of for years, through all sorts of ups and downs, making plans for the future etc, to having it all fall apart so quickly and viciously, leaving you on the outside (in full view of the world). Like you say, there was no villain, just a whole host of factors and feelings all exploding in their faces. Anyway I'm going to listen to the giggly take of And Your Bird Can Sing to remind myself they did have fun together once upon a time and when they did they were brilliant XD

It’s interesting isn’t it? Because they all had pretty good self awareness and Paul mentions that they’ve had conversations about divorce (apparently brought up by Paul) before GB. And yet he was still surprised that it actually happened. I mean John literally quit the band and was still surprised by it.

I suppose they just couldn’t have guessed how vicious it would get. I suppose because they couldn’t imagine letting themselves being separated by people who had skin in the game of getting them to fall apart.

But yes! There are happy times before and happy times after. The fact they all made up is incredible and shows how much they truly cared. Even John and Paul were exchanging cute Christmas gifts during the worst times. So, the love way always there. The hurt couldn’t have been there without it.

[zu-is-here]

The jab wasn't all that bad, it didn't really hurt, and it was over in a second. I was actually listening to music through my headphones to distract my mind and Christmas songs came on! XD

I feel alright, my arm is really stiff though and it hurts if I try to lift it, though that's normal. Other then that I feel fine.

Well not everyone calls them squashed flies biscuits, but it's basic shortbread with little pieces of raisins in them. I actually don't like raisins in anything but these.

Oh yeah it was really nice. This is what it looked like

Yummmmmmy! It was so light.

Oh yeah it's kind of like an antique shop. My mother got a stone mushroom for her garden, she looooooves mushrooms!

Well I found a bunch of old tops that I forgot all about and I look forward to be able to wear them again! I also found some of my old toys and it really made my heart melt.

Hmmm, I'm not actually sure because part of me wants to post all the references together, but then again I know that alot of you have been looking forward to this, what would you do?

Thanks Zu! I'll let you know how things go.

I'm glad you had a good day! How's work going in general? I hope you're having a good time. It feels really good to see the comic! The perspective is so good!.

Oh yes! My friends are so hyped about it!! I'm pretty excited myself! I'm really curious to see what's going to happen next! It's making me think about the crossover again. We always need some dreammare every now ns again, don't you agree?

That's good to hear it!╰(*´︶`*)╯Was it Let it Snow? xd And how do you feel now? (ówò)

Oh those raisins, same here xp This one looks so delicious tho! *w*

Awww a stone mushroom! Such nice finds for both of you <3

I guess it's absolutely okay to divide them, but if you want to post them all together, it'll be good too! *^*

Thank youuu! <3 Day work's going good and stable and the work on projects is slow but sure (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)☆ What about you and your interview? *^* How are you doing? ♡

P. S. Oh I do ;)

UPD:

Oh no worries! <3 That's strange of your phone tho >:0 Hope it's gonna be alright with it and the uploud as well!

That's good╰(*´︶`*)╯Btw— did you tell what you gave her as a gift? *^*

Awww yay! Changing his design again?? (・∀・) Hoo boi I'm intrigued~ I've seen this and that's so sweet! (๑>◡<๑)

It's gonna be great! Good luck with the interview! ☆

A sleep over! \(//∇//)\ It's def not for sleeping ;) Though I remember my friends and I just fell asleep after a long day together xp What are you planning to do? Music, board games, telling stories? *^*

Sure I rememberrr (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)☆ Same here tho :')

Oh I'm doing great, thanks! The Kitty's good yet sleepy (ówò) She's waiting for me while I'm cleaning <3

[one-boring-person]

May I request Dwayne and reader where its Christmas Eve they finally have some "alone time" (lol smut implied) until they are interrupted by Laddie attempting to sneak a peak and catch Santa Claus. 🎵 "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus" 🎵 Lol sorry got inspired by the song and couldn't help myself xD Thank you so much!

I like this idea, I hope this is what you wanted! 😊😊💛

Where Were We?

Dwayne (The Lost Boys) x reader

Warnings: sexual themes implied

Masterlist

"Where'd the boys go?" I ask as I stroll into the room, having just gone to check on Laddie.

Dwayne looks up at me as I do so, the brunette still placing some of the gifts under the tree that we've set up in the corner, almost all of them for the youngest member of our group, though Paul has insisted on us getting him some things, too. The vampire smiles and stands up, stretching out his lanky form.

"They've gone to get some sleep. It's nearly morning, after all." He responds, coming over to me and plonking himself down on the sofa next to me. I mean into him as he wraps am arm around my shoulders, brining me closer to him.

"That makes sense, I guess." A smirk comes onto my face as a new thought pops into my mind, "We finally have some alone time."

"Do we now?" Dwayne chuckles, before leaning in to cup my jaw, his face coming to rest a few centimetres away from mine.

"Yeah, we do." I kiss him hard on the lips, my hands moving up to lace themselves in his long hair, pulling him closer to me. 

Reciprocating the kiss, Dwayne pushes closer to me, making me lie back on the sofa as his hands move to my hips, grasping tightly, pulling me up into him. Moaning slightly at the new position, I rock my hips up into his, feeling his excitement growing with each movement as he grinds down onto me. His tongue slips into my mouth as his hands push up my shirt, frigid fingers dragging over my heated skin as they get closer to my chest, my shirt bunching up around the base of my ribs. A low noise escapes him as I arch my back into his touch, small whines leaving me with each brush of his fingers, the sounds amplifying as he moves to kiss at my neck and jaw, sucking and biting gently at the skin there. Locating my sweet spot, he licks at it and kisses it fervently, intending to leave a mark, his hands now moving to grasp my ass, lifting my crotch up into his so he can grind harder.

All of a sudden, he stops, his head whipping round to face the tunnel entrance a little way away.

"S-santa?" A small voice questions hesitantly, a frown nearly escaping me when I hear who it is.

Laddie stands just in the shadows of the passage, his eyes wide as he focuses on something by the tree. I look up at Dwayne, though he has yet to react, the vampire staring straight at the boy with some concentration, brow furrowed as if in confusion. I go to get up, only for the brunette on top of me to stop me, holding me down carefully as he keeps eye contact with the boy.

After a few seconds, Laddie turns and leaves the room, a small smile on his face as he runs back to the room we gave him, giggling quietly to himself. Instantly, Dwayne turns back to me, eyes gleaming triumphantly.

"What did you do?" I ask him, lifting an eyebrow.

"I let him see Santa." He smirks, bending back down to nose at my jaw, "Now, where were we?"

[mellarkandart]

top 5 fan works of 2021

rules: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2021. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

tysm for the tag @hailing-stars!!

2021 was like a breakthrough year for me as a writer, when I finally decided that in order to refer to myself as a writer, I needed to write! I’ve been blessedly welcomed into two beautiful fandom communities this year, Irondad and Severitus, and it all makes me so happy 💛 I posted 17 fics on Ao3 last year which is kinda crazy to me and it was a little difficult to narrow them down, but here we go! I’m bad at tumblr so I’ll just link all works at the bottom of this post 👇

1. Scissors

this is hands down my favorite work of mine, because it comes from a very personal place for me. I think that the main reason it’s so dear to me though is because of the tremendous amount of support that community has shown me, like just the outpouring of love towards my personal story and then the people in the comments sharing their own stories and struggles with mental health… it’s a fic I was very nervous about posting because of what people might think and in turn I feel like it’s become such a safe place to discuss the sort of things that the story is focused on and it just really means a lot to me that strangers on the internet are not only willing to be so kind to me but also brave enough to share their journey as well.

2. Illicit Affairs

this is kind of a dark story presented in such a light tone lmao I was super excited when I first started writing this and boy it flopped so hard, for like five solid chapters I didn’t think that anyone was reading it and I felt so discouraged but at the same time, you gotta write for yourself, right? I figured that this was a story that I wanted to read so I’d better write it. About midway through writing the original ten chapter layout one idea crossed my mind and pretty much changed everything, and so it took me awhile to finish but I’m so proud of it and the response it’s received now is mindblowing to me and while I was so relieved to finally finish that final chapter, I just couldn’t seem to let go of my innocent Hufflepuff Harry so I’m continuing the story as a series with one-shots, one of which is already posted and there’s a couple more in my docs just waiting to be polished up.

3. Itsy Bitsy Spider

only Irondad fic listed here? Okay… yeah XD there’s like four other ones that I posted this year are okay, but I feel like this one is a lot better. I was so excited to hop on the Friendly Neighborhood Gift Exchange, but I also had no idea what to write and was so nervous as to what my giftee would request… luckily @asyouleft said that they were cool with anything and so that somehow ended up here XD I had been reading a lot of Homeless Peter fics and identity reveals are always cool, and I thought I could have something like that occur around Christmas and while it’s barely mentioned in the fic, it does happen 😂 I almost didn’t do the whole repetitive “there was a spider” thing at the beginning of each scene but I mean… there was a spider XD

4. Calamity

gahh… I look back on this fic and see nothing but a contingency mess, but it’s one of my most popular fics and I guess I have to appreciate it for being the first real fic I’ve written. I mean I’ve been writing fic for several years but it was very, very bad and I didn’t really even seem to realize it which is the sad part 😂 I started when I was thirteen tho so let’s just say this was my first fic as an adult. Uh, anyway, I start to feel self conscious about my work after about six months (or hours but like whatever) so I haven’t actually looked over it in quite awhile, but I guess it’s what kickstarted me into really writing fic so yayyy!

5. The Boy Who Swung

this is a chaotic mess and I’ve never had more fun writing anything. I always like to incorporate humor into my stories bc that’s my coping mechanism or whatever but I never imagined that I would write a full on crack, or a crossover fic, but here we are. the best works to me are the ones that teach you how to write more and/or differently, and I feel like this one taught me that I don’t have to try quite so hard in order to achieve my writing goals because it didn’t take me long to write and it was perhaps the first time I really actually enjoyed writing something lmao

Tagging: I apologize if you’ve already been tagged or don’t wanna be tagged, I don’t really know people on tumblr that well so I’m just going at random here with users I recognize lmao: @asyouleft @joyful-soul-collector @wiceba @timberva @sherlockfreak05 @whumphoarder @yes-i-am-happyaspie @gzdacz-writes-fic @keep-a-bucket-full-of-stars @kohakhearts @zenzenhanashi @clairdeloon-abie @marvelous-writer @magnificentandstrange (I’m not sure if some of you lovelies even write but you’re really nice readers at least so I didn’t wanna leave you out 🙈😂) and anyone else feel free!

[katytheinspiredworkaholic]

KATY

I debated on sending this as a DM but I feel like you deserve all the public acknowledgement for your greatness

1. The last chapter of Extraordinary??? Phenomenal. I blushed the entire time and was absolutely so giddy. Not to mention, I’m like SO invested in the plot. I need to know what’s going to happen next my poor heart can’t take it 😫 ALSO THE MORCIA OF IT ALL.

I have lots more thoughts/thots about the last few chapters that I will most likely be picking your brain over soon

2. DOG DAYS IM SO EXCITED!!! I saw the notification and I almost burst into excited tears (I’m an emotional person, sue me) I’ve been in such a fluffy/sweet mood because of the holidays and I feel like this is the perfect fic for December.

You truly are the gift that keeps on giving, lovey 💞

You are the absolute sweetest Emmy, thank you so much 🥺💕😭💕 I barely have words. (Which proves to be a lie, I say after I just wrote the longest ask reply xD but it deserves it for all your kindness)

1. Honey, I made MYSELF blush writing that scene 🙈 and I've written a lot of smut over the years. But I'm so glad to hear it was worth the wait, as well as THE MORCIA OF IT ALL. I've never written Morcia before so that was a learning experience for me -- but the end of that chapter might have healed my soul and all the trauma the show inflicted on me for not making them canon xD

I'm so stoked you're invested in the plot! If you want to DM me guesses/thoughts you are MORE than welcome to. I have a few other people that have made some _very good_ guesses that came so close to being right on the money it astounded me xD But no one has gotten it 100% right yet so bring on the theories. I love to hear them 💕

2. YOU AND ME BOTH! Extraordinary and Dog Days overlap a little that first week of December so I might temporarily _lose my mind_ trying to get it all figured out and posted but it will be WORTH IT. I almost couldn't contain myself waiting until this morning to post that Masterpost, I've had it ready for so long. And I love that you got so emotional about it because I'M emotional about it! It will have some cute/sweet/fluffy stuff as well as some terribly heartbreaking stuff so I hope it fits into your Holiday spirit <3 It totally became a Christmas fic on accident xD but it really makes it all the sweeter.

NO YOU'RE A GIFT 💕 an absolute treasure, thank you so much for your kind words and infinite support 🥰 I can't wait to share everything that's to come with you. As well as what will be coming in 2022 because you can bet that I already have the first 6 months planned out for what fics are coming next.

I hope you are doing well, my friend. All the love to you 💕💕💕

[jupiter-nwn]

So,,, did you know I wear "jewelry"? lemme show y'all.

So this is my right hand,,, and I have:

Those two bracelet things, I had four but I lost one in the beach and another one in a random house

My wrist watch. It's not very precise, and as time passes it usually gets further and further away from the actual time, for example, last time I changed the time on it to make it exact again, it was 12 minutes behind the actual time. Right now it's seven minutes behind, so I have to do maths to know the time when I wear it sksksksksk, also, I use it as a light at night because it makes enough light to see stuff without bothering people who are sleeping (like the phone flashlight does)

A string I use as bracelet. I got it for Christmas because my family knows that I like bracelets made out of weird things so they,,, gave me a string skavejrgkrefjk (I'm so confused by english and what classifies as a string and what classifies as rope, because in my house, we're not english, we call that a rope already, and like ok I suppose)

Gay bracelets???? 😳😳😳 I got them yesterday, there's seven and I arranged them to make the rainbow xd

And here is my left hand. Lemme explain this one xd

I have a hair tie??? Y'know, one of those that are like fabric but elastic??? Anyways, i fount it last year on a beach, the moment I entered I saw it floating around so I got it, and welp, I started like making it bigger until it needed two rounds to stay in my wrist I guess,,, (I'm not english I don't even know if what I just said makes sense,,,)

The other black thing and the blue things are both shoelaces, I liked them so well, I used them as bracelets xd. The black one came later and I just tied the tips and made a giant like circular string with the tips connected and just went doing rounds (???) until it was in my hand, but with the blue one for some reason instead of tying the tips together I just,,, tied them to one of those metal rings you put keychains and keys on, so there's also that,,,

Trans bracelet??? 😳😳😳 I made it yesterday xd, I grabbed pink blue and white strings, the ones you use to sew, forgot the name of those, and grabbed ten of each color, I made the measurings to be more than 60cm... Idk how much exatly, but more. Then i tied the ten strings of each color together, then I tied the new three strings and braided them I guess,,, then I tied them around my wrist, so I have the rainbow bracelets on one hand and the trans one in the other,,, I'm very subtle /s sksksksksksk

Also here's my star and my moon necklaces! I love stars (the five points shape, I feel like it represents me in a way???) and I have orange (favorite color) stars (favorite shape) earrings, but I lost one so I now wear the other, and in my other ear I wear a earring I made myself that you wouldn't understand but it's based on my para xd

The moon one was a gift from someone who's not really my friend anymore??? But I still keep it around xd

[kuronokiseki]

Best Usagi+Misaki Moments (imo)

Yo back with this kind of post again!!!! The last part of the trilogy I guess?? (No!!!!!!!! D:)

Misaki ver: https://kuronokiseki.tumblr.com/post/617551810336555008/best-misaki-moments-imo

Usagi ver: https://kuronokiseki.tumblr.com/post/618193516175196160/best-usagi-moments-imo

Warning: Lots of large images again~ Plus my ramblings :v

Look someone is having a crush ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

I’m a strong believer that Misaki is the one who falls first and this is another evidence. I think the reason is because Usagi showed his true nature and it made Misaki fall in love ❤️ 🥺 The older played a big role in helping him getting to a top uni despite his Ds so I can understand how much that will mean alot to Misaki! And this extra chapter? It speaks alot abt Usagi’s kindness. The great lengths he went to make up with Misaki for comparing him with his crush. He pretended he just happened to be there, he apologized, prepared a scarf and hot buns for Misaki beforehand in case he was cold... Awww he’s so sweet how could Misaki not fall in love :”“(

I’m talking abt this!

I do want this plot point to be fleshed out more tbh. Of Misaki hating Usagi at first, then slowly exposed to his kind-hearted self like this and boom he’s in love~ 😳 Wouldn’t it make an interesting enemies-to-lovers? And Misaki pining for Usagi pining for Takahiro but all of them are clueless of this little love triangle hnnnggg I wanna see more of this dynamic

HAH you think I won’t include this scene despite already done in the previous versions no no no IT WILL BE A HUGE CRIME

I also strongly think that Misaki cried for Usagi not just bcs he was being Misaki, it’s also bcs of his love for him :”( How could you not think Misaki is already in love with Usagi when he was thinking “If only I could stay with this person forever. I want to become someone special to him...” and they can’t stop hugging each other (urgghhh the melodrama it hurts)

Imagine feeling heartbroken but you’re not the only one crying... And you’re not facing it alone...

Misaki im-not-gay-4-usagi Takahashi

I totally lost to him! But how can I not to that smiling face? >:////( - Misaki, the tsundere kween

“Not to Takahiro. Not to anyone.” :”“”“““O

Usagi - >:}

Misaki - >:///( 

Best quotes in a single panel

Misaki asking Usagi for a date :”““v

Usagi and Misaki having a disagreement

(argh why this pic is so smol) they’re being cute ^w^

Studio Deen didn’t animate this scene >:(

Usagi: *smiles*

Misaki: 😳 ❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙 💜 🖤 💔 ❣️ 💕 💞 💓 💗 💖 💘 💝 💟 

Annnnddd this scene is soooo much more emotional in the manga. The whole chapter is like a DOUBLE KILL and the fandom was tremendously shook when it first came out in 2012... Me too, was amazed at how superb the writing is, and in awe of how genius Nakamura is... (when handling Romantica lmao)

Haha brings back memories. This was back when we had to rely on scans translated from chinese to english. Even tho now I know how get my own copy and read it by myself, but I’m still thankful for the scanlation groups that never cease to exist and keep the fandom well fed :”( Big thanks to them!

ONCE AGAIN I HAVE NOTICED THAT THIS SCENE IS CHOU YABAIIII omigod look at how Misaki is drunk in pleasure and his lusty eyes looking at his hubby hngggg

THIS CHAPTER CAN BE A WHOLE MOVIE. IT’S SO GREAT. STUDIO DEEN EVEN THO IM DISAPPOINTED AT HOW S3 WENT BUT THANKS TO THE PLOT GETTING BETTER AND BETTER AND MISAKI IS THE FOOKIN MVP PLS MAKE S4 BCS THERE ARE PPL WHO WONT READ THE MANGA PLS PLS MAKE THEM SHOOOOK

That’s what you get for having an boyfriend yearsss older ;-)

Misaki giving Usagi a hj 👀 👀 👀 

I noticed that in future chapters, Misaki will do whatever Usagi tells him to during smex. Hmmm Usagi why don’t you teach him how to top or power bottom you in that way then ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) or at least, teach him HOW TO SUCC

This is an intense chapter but all I can think of is this panel like SIZE DIFFERENCEEEE

Usagi and Misaki’s “breakup“ XDDD and Misaki’s cute little hmph hmph omg how could I not love this boiii

Some ppl in the fandom: OMG USAGI DESERVES BETTER!!! MISAKI DOESNT RETURN HIS LOVE!!!! >:”“O LOOK AT MY POOR BOI NOT BEING APPRECIATED ENOUGH AND IS UNHAPPY WITH MISAKI >:”(

Usagi:

(But seriously, when this chapter first came out I dived into Mangago to see if anyone’s excited as me bcs of the great writing but nooooope ppl raging abt Misaki not saying I love you in s3 ep 9 which recently aired at that time... I’m going to make another list which is Worst Romantica Moments (imo) and voice my rants further there ._. )

HOLDING HANDSSSS

Look at how he had to bend down to kiss him haha Misaki so smol

SIZE DIFFERENCE AGAIN OMG IM LOVIN THEIR 1 FOOT HEIGHT DIFFERENCE

And shall I point out something up to debate? xD WHO REACHED TO HOLD HANDS FIRST

Misaki’s best christmas gift ;-;

Happily bantering ;;-;;

Oh Nakamura, pls dont end Romantica as soon Takahiro knows. I’m happy enough with fluffy chapters like this, them being sooo in love and happy with each other ;w;

KISSING WHILE STROKING EACH OTHERS’ HAIR AAAAAAAHHHHHH SO SOFT SO FLUFFY SO DUJQJDQQKWJDKHDUWQHDKWQD

And how can I not include this golden scene.

Misaki: (OMG USAGI-SAN’S PP HAS GROWN SO BIGGG >//A//<)

Usagi: ...Misaki y so tight

[unhingeddumbass]

Ben, Kevin and Gwen answer random questions:

DISCLAIMERS: THE QUESTIONS AREN’T MINE, I FOUND THEM IN ANOTHER POST, CREDITS TO OP. I FOUND THEIR BIRTHDAYS IN BEN 10 WIKI, THE CANDLES WERE MADE WITH A BUZZFEED QUIZ AND I’LL PRETEND KEVIN’S DAD WASN’T A FAKE MEMORY, HE WAS REAL, BECAUSE IT WORKS FOR ANSWERING SOME QUESTIONS. I TRIED TO DO THIS BASED ON THE TRIO’S PERSONALITY LIKE THE SHOW AND BEN’S SINGLE BECAUSE I DON’T WANT ANY BEEF AND BECAUSE EVERYONE SHIPS DIFFERENT PEOPLE WITH BEN.

😷Where or with who are you spending quarantine? 

Gwen: I’m staying with Kevin at his mom’s house.

Kevin: What she said lol

Ben: At home with my folks, since Grandpa Max is a risk patient, he’s staying at Galvan Prime with Azmuth. 

✊🏾What’s your position with the current racism tragedy? Are you getting involved in any way? 

Gwen: I’m horrified. I can’t believe we’ve come to such high levels of intolerance and hate and that the government just adds more violence instead of trying to change the situation peacefully. I’ve been getting informed and learning, doing videos teaching people about racism, posted them on my social media so I can try and teach people more. I’m claustrophobic so I don’t go to protests, but I’m supporting from home. 

Kevin: I’m fucking angry. I’ve been at the protests with Ben and we’re trying our best to keep people safe. I’m also working on a piece of tech to cover tear gas before it blows and some bulletproof stuff.

Ben: Like Kevin said, we’ve been on the front with protesters providing help and keeping everyone as safe as possible. Our parents are donating and we’re trying to get the Plumber’s help too, but they said it’s not their jurisdiction. Either way we’re doing our best and we’ll always stand with justice, peace and equality for everyone. 

🐰- do you believe in soul mates?

Gwen: Yaaaas, it’s so romantic! 

Kevin: Uh.. *Looks at Gwen* Only if it’s her. 

Ben: Dafuk’s a soulmate?

💌- diary or journal?

Gwen: A mix between both, I love scrapbooking.

Kevin: Das some soft shit bro *He secretly hides a journal but he’ll never admit*

Ben: Why wasting paper? It’s better to keep everything on the Cloud

💕- are you crushing on someone?

Gwen: Hmm… Patch Cipriano *Kevin glares at her* JUST KIDDING, only you. 

Kevin: This babe right here *Grabs Gwen’s waist and kisses her forehead*

Ben: *Simping* Jennifer Lawrence, Selena Gomez… there’s too many 

💋- kissing in the dark or kissing in the rain?

Gwen: A rainy autumn day *Daydreams*

Kevin: Three words: Dark. Backseat. Lake *Smirks and winks at Gwen*

Ben: *Cringes for the Gwevin moment* Anywhere I guess. 

🍼- what is your favorite memory?

Gwen: Fishing with Grandpa Max and my first karate tournament

Kevin: Buying my car xD

Ben: THAT ICONIC summer vacation, hell yeah

🌸- what is your favorite flower?

Gwen: Yellow roses, ofc.

Kevin: Weed *Gwen elbows him in the chest*

Ben: None, tho I kinda like sunflowers

💖- have you ever been in love?

Gwen: *Looks at Kevin and smiles*, yes. 

Kevin: *Starts singing I’m in Love With My Car by Queen, Gwen glaring at him* Ofc I love you babe, I’m kidding.

Ben: My love belongs to Mr Smoothies

🍰- strawberry or vanilla?

Gwen: Both! Also love coconut.

Kevin: Those are some lame ass flavours, I rather chocolate or blueberries.

Ben: As long as it can be made into a smoothie, I’ll love it.

🍯- describe your favorite smell

Gwen: A new book and a autumn scented candle

Kevin: Gasoline and... *blushes*... Gwen’s shampoo.

Ben: Pickles and chili fries, duuuh. 

🎂- if you had 3 wishes, what would they be?

Gwen: An infinite supply of books, making high education to be accessible to everybody and to reverse the damages the human race has made to the environment.

Kevin: My car to be completely indestructible, free food forever not only for me but to everybody and…*whispering* getting to see my dad at least one last time.

Ben: Infinite chilli fries and smoothies, to stop racism, misogyny and homophobia, and Grandpa Max to be around for a lot of more years. 

🍪- cookie dough or cookies?

Gwen: Freshly baked cookies!

Kevin and Ben: *Screaming* Cookie dough! Salmonella won’t ever stop us!

☕- coffee or tea?

Gwen: Coffee in the winter or at college, tea for relaxing.

Kevin: Bring me the strongest coffee! *Slams fists on table*

Ben: F U C K I N’  S M O O T H I E S 

🍃- would you rather live in a sea with mermaids or a forest with fairies?

Gwen: I can’t choose, I’d love both.

Kevin and Ben: *Smirking with pervert thoughts* MERMAIDS!

🍂- what’s your middle name?

Gwen: Catherine, but I rather being called Gwendolyn instead.

Kevin: Ethan, but dare to call me that and I’ll yeet you into oblivion. 

Ben: Kirby, COULDN’T BE ANY MORE CRINGEEEEEE?

💫- what is your zodiac sign?

Gwen: Cancer (14th July)

Kevin: Scorpio (4th November)

Ben: Capricorn (27th December)

🌧️- favorite thing to do on rainy days?

Gwen: Read, drink tea and listen to calm music.

Kevin: Either I sleep all day or I’ll go to Gwen’s house. 

Ben: Eat, sleep, TV, and rave repeat. 

🍭- how tall are you?

Gwen: 5’6

Kevin: 6’3

Ben: 5’10

💒- which show would you want to live in?

Gwen: The Vampire Diaries or Friends.

Kevin: Law & Order *Screams DUN DUN*

Ben: Summo Slammers!

🎄- what is your favorite holiday?

Gwen: Thanksgiving, because of the family reunion.

Kevin: Saint Patrick’s Day, cuz I have an excuse to get fucking drunk and party

Ben: Christmas! Good food and gifts heck yeah

🍦- what scented candle is your favorite?

Gwen: Warm Vanilla Cookie or Pumpkin Spice.

Kevin: Enchanted Pine

Ben: Citrus Mint

🎶- favorite song right now?

Gwen: Sit Still, Look Pretty by Daya

Kevin: I’m In Love With My Car by Roger Taylor (Queen)

Ben: Human by Cher Lloyd or Game Over by Falling In Reverse

💘- 3 ways to win your heart?

Gwen: Don’t be a dickhead, be supportive, be funny.

Kevin: Respect my space, be brave and plz don’t hate my car

Ben: Be playful, funny and patient of my lifestyle which is very hard

🍩- current mood?

Gwen: Normal, concerned about the pandemic and missing my bff

Kevin: Meh, I don’t go out as often anyway

Ben: I WANNA GO OUT, I HATE QUARANTINE

❄️- what is your favorite season?

Gwen: I like summer but I love autumn

Kevin: I don’t actually mind

Ben: SUMMEEEEEEER 

💍- your current relationship status?

Gwen and Kevin: Taken! *Kiss*

Ben: *Gags and glares at the happy couple* single and enjoying my peaceful life.

🕊️- 3 habits you have?

Gwen: Organizing my books by height, having always my room clean and never leave my house without my earphones

Kevin: The volume on the tv has to be in an even number, my car has to be always well maintained and my phone is mostly on silent or vibration mode.

Ben: Never spend a day without a smoothie, text Grandpa at least once a day or two, and collecting stuff I like.

🦄- how do you perceive yourself?

Gwen: Hardworking, introverted and intellectual

Kevin: I’ve got some roguish charm *smirks* and a little soft sometimes

Ben: Quirky, loud and funny.

🦋- how do you think others perceive you?

Gwen: Some call me golden child or goody two shoes. Probably teacher’s pet too.

Kevin: *Points at Ben* well, he thinks I’m strange and dangerous, so I guess other people think that too, maybe also an asshole.

Ben: A couple people think I’m an egocentric pain in the ass.

🌈- things I find attractive in girls/guys

Gwen: Physical appearance isn’t important, but I love smiles. I like a person who I can be myself with and is honest always. 

Kevin: If a girl is fearless, strong and independent I become a simp for her tbh *Looks at Gwen* That’s how you got me at your feet babe. 

Ben: I really like someone supportive and understanding, also bonus points if they’re not that serious, I want to joke around.  

🍓- one secret about yourself

Gwen: I tend to be a people pleaser and I struggle with standing up for myself around my parents. 

Kevin: I’m a sucker for my mom’s food and I’m actually sensible around the people I care the most about. 

Ben: I’m not as careless and cocky as I pretend to be. Also I secretly love Lady Gaga’s music. 

🎥- what show are you currently binging on?

Gwen: Gossip Girl, bakery shows and Stranger Things

Kevin: CSI and Law & Order, also Pimp My Ride cuz hell yeah old MTV shows

Ben: I mostly watch Summo Slammers but I also like Rick and Morty, Big Mouth and Stranger Things.

💗- who do you miss?

Gwen: My family and my best friend, Emily. 

Kevin: ...my dad. 

Ben: Grandpa Max, no cap. 

🥀- last time you cried?

Gwen: The other day, while we watched A Dog’s Purpose 1 and 2. 

Kevin: I don’t wanna talk about that soft shit

Ben: I had a very lucid nightmare the other day and woke up crying

🔪- scariest/creepiest experience?

All of them: Coming back from death in Legerdomain

[thebenzene]

extravagaria

I still detest myself that after everything you have done to me, there are times that I still yearn for you. How could I ever forget someone whom I have loved the first? For the first time, I recognized and showed my vulnerability to someone. I have laid down all my cards. I have entrusted my soul to someone. You almost had me with no reservations. There are times that I still ask myself, "what did I do so wrong that someone had to do me that low?" How could someone make you feel loved at a point then make you doubt yourself after that? There are always questions. Questions. What kind of person would build someone up just to break them down? I know and I have accepted that ending everything we have shared together is just the best decision to make. But every time I remember how you made me feel like a human being, every time I think of how you have perceived me as the person you've wanted to end up with, every time I recall that sentence you have written on your letter "sometimes you're the only thing that makes sense to my life", how could I ever fucking forget all of those? God damn. It has been more than a year since I ended us, but it still hurts every day. You're still in my mind and I hate myself for romanticizing the traumas you've left me with. All along, I knew that I will end us, right from the start; because you were never the right person to begin with. But you know what? I have fought against all the odds. I have tried my very best to defy all my fears. I know and I deeply know until now, that I have loved you so real and pure that the idea of me giving my all-est all out to someone who have betrayed me is and still excruciatingly tormenting. I am absolutely sure that by now, you must have forgotten what we have had already -- that I am already nothing, but a memory. I still haven't thrown your letters away. The unfunny shirt you've given me as a Christmas gift on 2019, I still cringe on that. I still have our pictures from the photobooth, from the day that I have declared you my commitment. Crazy as hell, I know. Why do I still have these things with me? I don't know. Maybe, because they still remind me of you -- that after we have cut our connection, you still have your pieces with me. And I hate myself for missing you, for thinking about you, for not being able to move forward, for having a part of me still stuck in the past. Let's say, I will never be healed from the hole you've drilled into the deepest of my core. But I will manage. I just hope that you'll find the love of your life, the one whom you will love the most until the end, the one you'll never betray, and the one whom you will be genuine with -- the way you never were, to me. Maybe I have moved on, but I will never get back the pieces of myself I have given you. But I shall manage. I must always choose the best for me even if it means letting go of the person my soul has dearly cherished. Shit happens, life goes on. And maybe I just have to deal with this remorse, until the right person comes. Thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great, I guess?

𝙎𝙖 𝙨𝙖𝙢𝙥𝙪𝙣𝙜 𝙗𝙪𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙜 𝙞𝙥𝙞𝙣𝙖𝙧𝙖𝙢𝙙𝙖𝙢 𝙢𝙤 𝙨𝙖'𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙖𝙝𝙖𝙡 𝙢𝙤 𝙖𝙠𝙤, 𝙠𝙖𝙝𝙞𝙩 𝙞𝙨𝙖𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙧𝙖𝙬 𝙡𝙖𝙣𝙜, 𝙢𝙖𝙮𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙣 𝙗𝙖 𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙣 𝙖𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤𝙩𝙤𝙤?

Always (wishing you the best),

Pauline

P.S. You didn't tell me the story behind the book you gave me on my legality day. And it's okay, maybe it's better that it stayed that way. I know you're not viewing this page anymore, or who knows? There might be a smallest chance, haha. Not that I still look forward to encountering you again in the future, but I will still send you that "mail" 3 years from now. XD. Be well!

[madzilla84]

hi i went through your ace tag and it was rlly comforting in a way. can i ask when u knew or how to deal (if its not to invasive!) thx

Hi anon! I’m glad you liked the posts - I know I can be pretty iffy at tagging so I’ll make sure to keep everything there if I can :)

It’s not invasive at all! The answer’s very long though, lol, because it’s me, so I put it under the read more.

I talked a bit about this in my post last year with the clumsy metaphor for my II denim jacket as sexuality, so if you read that then I might be repeating myself a bit, apologies.

The very short answer is that on some level I’ve always known, and I handled it Extremely Badly lmao. Don’t do what I did. Which was mostly nothing. XD

The longer, proper answer - I knew I was in some way Different when I found myself completely bewildered by the crushes my friends developed when we became tweens/teenagers. Like a lot of queer people, I selected my Pretend Crush and dutifully put up his poster in my locker (Noah Wyle from ER; I thought he had pretty eyes). I thought everyone else was just doing it to be cool, as well, in the same sort of way everyone pretended to love [insert name of popular band here] to save face at school.

But like, we got older, and people started making out and hooking up with Real Boys at parties, and still - I felt nothing. You’re a late bloomer, many people told me. I thought maybe I could be gay, if I had no attraction to men - but then I wasn’t attracted to women, either, so couldn’t be that. So what, then, I wondered? You can’t be nothing.

OR CAN YOU??? XD

I got to university-ish age, and around that time I went online and heard the term ‘asexual’ for the first time, and stumbled across AVEN; read the definition and thought, yep, that sounds very familiar. But the problem is, finding something out about yourself doesn’t mean you accept it, or like it, or even really believe it. I wondered then if it was actually a real thing, and not something someone on the internet had made up to make themselves feel better, because there was actually something wrong with them, and thus, with me?

I came home for Christmas during my first (only. lol whoops) year of college and brought up the subject with a small group of acquaintances at a New Years party (I’d had quite a bit to drink), and the reaction was - depressingly predictable.

That’s not a thing.

I can’t imagine that.

That sounds awful.

God, no sex? I’d rather be dead.

Have you even tried it? You need to try it.

That can’t be natural.

Okay, I get it, I thought, not bringing that up again.

And, the thing was, because I wasn’t in a relationship, or dating, or looking to, it was sort of - a non-subject. I had no prying family members asking about my love life. My true friends were unfazed by whatever I did or didn’t do (and still are, they’re good eggs), so it was just - something I never had to think about. In my mind, it was just another thing about me that made me weird and an outsider and that I didn’t belong anywhere or with anyone. (All not true! But that was then.)

And unfortunately it took me about 15 years to start to properly deal with it. Yikes. Such a long time - it’s not even about missed opportunities for dating because I’m still not looking to do that, but more about - accepting that it’s a real part of me and is okay and *good* actually and not just a peculiarity to avoid thinking about at all costs. Acceptance seemed unattainable, let alone the idea of being *proud* of it? Ha! Unthinkable. The best thing to do was just to - pretend it didn’t exist. Why poke that bruise, I thought?

I was always in this weird kind of limbo with the LGBT community - like, I felt on some level like I should be there? But at the same time, I felt like an outsider. (For many of the same reasons people to this day will tell you aces/aros don’t belong. All wrong.) I got really into queer films etc as a teen, I went to gay bars with friends and joined the uni LGBT society … and felt uncomfortable almost all the time. (I know *now* that’s because I was *still* trying to be something I wasn’t and wasn’t being honest with myself or anyone else, on any level. And a lot of the club nights we went to were basically about hooking up, which is fine and all but absolutely Not what I was looking for, and made me feel even more out of place. Why don’t I want to do that? What’s wrong with me?)

But fortunately, the world is quite a different place now, and I don’t think it’s quite so bad now for younger folks because people are talking about it *so* much more; there’s so much more help and support. And I know everyone bitches about social media but it didn’t exist when I was a teenager and there are so many ace/aro people and resources to connect with now!! We’re still made fun of almost constantly *at best* and excluded a ton and erased etc etc, but it *is* getting better. Even for us older folks still figuring it out. :)

I don’t mind admitting that Dan’s video was a huge help. (Albeit a very painful one. Part of why that video was so tough for me to watch, and still is, is that some of it hit a bit too close to home, you know? I didn’t experience the bullying he did, nor the fame, but many things were deeply recognisable.) That sort of tore the scab off (bit gross, sorry), whether I liked it or not, and made me look at it properly for the first time … well, ever, really. The period of time directly after that was - very raw, for me.

The phandom really helped, too; it’s a very accepting and welcoming community and there are actually lots of ace people! Which is awesome! Maybe I *am* a real person! ;)

So many little things helped too. I met a friend for lunch in January and she got me a glass ace flag pendant as a gift; I couldn’t believe it. I’ve felt able to bring it up with a few people outside my closest friends - eg. a couple of colleagues - and was heartened by their responses. I know they didn’t 100% get it, and that’s okay, but they were interested and open to listening and that meant a lot. I went to Pride last year and had a great time, and the first person who spoke to me there asked me where I got my ace pin. :_) (I’d been once before, in 2015, and I hated it; I felt uncomfortable and disingenuous and like I didn’t belong there, and yet I knew deep down I wasn’t technically just there as an ‘ally’.) Even Dan’s little tiny offhand mention in his mermaids stream! I was like, yeah, we do exist! 

It’s all sort of had the fringe benefit of feeling happier and better about being open about it, like joining the LGBT network at work and - you know, just taking little steps. (anyone wanting to start with me that aces/aros don’t belong in LGBT spaces can catch my tiny hands) I saw an ace lanyard at Vidcon and thought ‘yay!’ rather than being uncomfortable to wear it, partly because I thought about how happy I would be to see someone else wearing one.

I don’t know what the rest of this ‘journey’s going to look like, I just know that over the last year I’ve gotten mostly to a place where I can say I *like* being ace, because it’s actually just what I am in the same way I have brown hair or am short, and not some weird deviance from Being Normal that I Must! Hide! At All Costs! That might sound simple but it was a hard place to get to. (thanks Mr Fire, I guess)

I hope this ramble made *some* sense and answered your question in some way! Feel free to send any more questions :)