words i’ve written over the years on my secret diary twitter lmfao a vague diary of my life.
11.25.18 do you ever think about how for a second, you were the youngest person in the world?
11.30.18 maybe i need to look at things in a new way.
12.26.18 if there’s a god i’m not sure why he’d help me now
12.30.18 I always fall a little short
1.2.19 Not really sure what it takes to be a person.
1.16.19 it has been an honor to be loved by you.
1.17.19 My therapist said to me “Your mother couldn’t raise you the way you deserved to be raised”
1.18.19 I see myself in everyone.
2.13.19 i wanna hold the moon in my hand!
2.21.19 I wonder who I would’ve been had things been completely different
I wonder all the people I could’ve been in different circumstances
3.2.19 I’m much better at giving love than taking it
3.3.19 spend my whole life trying to figure this shit out, will probably die not knowing. the universe reveals her secrets to no one.
5.2.19 you are such an enormous part of my heart
5.6.19 You’re gonna have to turn cold to survive.
6.27.19 I wonder if there were people that I loved for years who I never got right - my perception was never who they really were?
8.9.19 every stage of my life has a different sad song
9.16.19 Can’t help but feel like I missed something somewhere that I should have picked up on but didn’t
10.4.19 everything is so rose colored; silver lining
10.7.19 I love you but I wish your heart was different
10.16.19 The sort of thing that makes you stop believing in God
10.27.19 I never cleaned your handprints off my living room window.
11.4.19 Sometimes after people are gone its hard to feel like they were ever even here
11.16.19 didn’t think your name was that common.
now i’m seeing it everywhere.
2.7.20 Even the stars can be hollow.
2.14.20 i talk to god but the sky is empty
4.11.20 I wonder if there’s some people you just miss forever.
4.14.20 Your face is so clear in my dreams.
4.17.20 He said, “Like I was at the brink of death lying there and the world never once stopped”,
4.17.20 If everyone could read all the texts that I almost sent them but didn’t...
5.10.20 all these words and you’re not really saying anything.
5.12.20 On the edge of the universe and myself
5.20.20 I always yearn for a home that doesn’t exist and for a song I used to hear but can’t seem to remember the words to
5.22.20 He said every time he sees the moon he thinks of me
5.23.20 i could never bare my soul to you, let the poetry flow out of me
5.24.20 Grateful to experience each type of love no matter how much they end up hurting...
“All kinds of love in the world but never the same one twice”
6.7.20 what’s one more scar?
6.14.20 you taste the blunt on my tongue
i taste the bud light on yours
6.19.20 at some point in life you witness it being both beautiful and tragic at the same time. you won’t understand it, even a little bit. but you will be grateful you were alive to witness it.
6.22.20 He said to me “not everything always has to be put into words”
7.1.20 why broken heart have to be a real ass feeling
7.1.20 my heart’s roped off with caution tape
7.3.20 I’ll probably never see you again.
7.19.20 She was just a little too human
8.5.20 I wish to be the current as it carries on
8.15.20 I want to be as beautiful as the sun when I come and go
8.16.20 it’s just me against the world and that’s fine
8.16.20 you’ll never just let your heart be broken, will you?
8.27.20 i sleep and dream in different languages. where am i from? is there a universe out there that understands?
8.31.20 learned the hard way that you can’t unsay things. and it’ll never be the same.
9.9.20 the inbetweens have never been for me.
9.12.20 I have handfuls of feelings that the English language doesn’t have words for and I don’t know where to put them down.
9.16.20 I envy animals in that they’ve never needed any words
9.17.20 The sky after the smoke fades
9.19.20 I’ve had my fair share of unrequited love
9.22.20 The simple answers are always the hardest in execution
9.23.30 I feel like I’ve been a million people but still none of them have been the right one
10.11.20 It’s mostly words that make me feel less alone.
10.21.20 This man has the brightest eyes, even in death.
10.23.20 At some point I learned to just hold my breath and jump in, instead of enduring the agony of slowly getting wet [metaphorically]
10.30.20 write a love letter to yourself.
10.31.20 I think I was born to help people in a way they can never repay me for. I think I was born to give more than I take
11.15.20 I favor the in-between, the intermission, the interlude
11.19.20 I dedicate everything I have ever done to you.
12.26.20 how to say something without saying it
12.26.20 with each person that i watch die, i miss you more and more
12.28.20 “I have a heart for every year that I’ve been alive”
12.28.20 I wish I could remember my grandma’s voice.
12.29.20 I’m not religious, but this year I prayed
1.1.21 handwriting is intimacy.
1.3.21 “The moon said ‘I’m the moon’ and I said ‘I don’t have time’”, (A quote from Cass’s dream)
1.19.21 all those years of therapy and i can’t remember a single word that i said
1.21.21 been so damn many people but never the right one
1.24.21 sooner or later, you play all the parts
1.27.21 you and your bleeding heart...
2.10.21 I hope that one day I can forgive you.
2.10.21 everything that I am most afraid of happening happens eventually
and i live through it
2.10.21 My whole life I wait for the epiphany that explains why I’m here
2.16.21 I wonder what you were thinking when you knew you were dying, I’m heartbroken
2.17.21 You opened your eyes the morning of January 22nd, 2018, for the last time. None of us knew.
All of our eyes opened that morning and closed that night, and sometime in-between then yours closed for the final time.
I wish I could have been there for your last breath.
2.24.21 The Waiting
2.27.21 what am i running from?
3.6.21 The number of hours we have together is actually not so large
3.9.21 I’ve never been good at the in-betweens
3.13.21 At some point I always end up feeling bad for the people who wronged me
3.13.21 I guess it’s better to be loved a lot by a few than loved a little by many
3.20.21 I say so much but no one seems to know anything about me
3.30.31 so much is lost in translation
3.31.21 heart of gold when I care & heart of stone when I don’t
4.10.21 I choose to put this behind me.
4.20.21 All I ever wanted was everything
4.27.21 you’re raw, i get it
5.22.21 I usually, at some point or to some person, become who hurt me or what I’m afraid to become
5.28.21 The adverse effects of therapy
5.30.21 There are so many things that go beyond words and I can’t grasp them all
6.13.21 Every time I turn around, it’s Sunday again
6.16.21 Time is more abundant than I often think
6.23.21 Sometimes I just change and I don’t know why but I know there’s a reason why
6.23.21 I loved him and I miss him and I never did any of that till it was too late.
6.25.21 to know me is to love me
6.27.21 It used to be so easy, now the lines are blurred.
6.29.21 some conversations are better left unhad.
7.11.21 May we both never forget our power
7.13.21 I wanna see the side of the moon that doesn’t show
7.15.21 In a dying man’s eye, I saw my reflection
7.29.21 I’m always running running running, speeding to work, powerwalking thru the store, speeding past red lights, chasing the sunset before it goes down. and then i miss the beauty of the moment while i try to find it. and i never end up finding anything.
8.1.21 I linger instead of going to bed, because I feel alone
8.1.21 The ocean makes me feel like I can forgive the world for everything
8.5.21 How many times can you say you’re sorry but not change
8.10.21 Where should I draw the line and why?
8.11.21 The people I love always love someone else
9.6.21 I said “it’s crazy that these things...”
[in unison] “have to happen.”
9.12.21 You’re blurring way too many lines
9.21.21 All these goddamn gray areas
All I see is gray
9.23.21 It doesn’t make sense that in a single moment there’s enough space for something so awful to happen like death
9.24.21 Where the hell is god at a time like this
10.5.21 had a hard time overcoming myself, separating myself from my traumatic roots
10.7.21 No one knows what to say
10.17.21 Time is relentless, all it does is continue when it feels like it should stand still
10.17.21 [regarding a day when someone you love passes away] for me it’s the audacity of the sun going down, the turning of time, the normalcy, the beauty where there really should be none. It was not a beautiful day.
10.19.21 Be like glass reflecting light and make rainbows when I crack
10.20.21 nothin like realizing the very mundane process of being alive is completely remarkable
10.24.21 When you’re sitting there thinking about how you got exactly what you want but you’re still not satisfied
11.13.21 why does death keep so many secrets?
11.30.21 I can never find the right words.
12.10.21 Err on the side of caution.
12.12.21 Things are gonna change
12.12.21 All I know is how to be alone
12.16.21 I’ve said so many words. a lot of them the wrong ones.
12.20.21 If I can just make it to the winter solstice, the days will be longer again
1.2.22 I know that the privilege of being alive is remarkable, even if I have to be alone.
1.24.22 At times the world feels so dark and unforgiving
2.6.22 Yes, I’m whole alone. Arguably too whole, even. I need to pull myself back a bit to make room to be a part of someone else. Like the moon as it wanes.
2.10.22 I was a ticking time bomb for so many years.
2.11.22 The fact that time is linear and leaves no proof of anything... once a moment is over, no trace is left that it happened. A spoken exchange leaves behind no physical evidence but creates so much change. Things are forever different all because of words and we have nothing to show for it.
2.19.22 I’m trying to find the right ratio of giving to myself and giving to other people
2.20.22 I’m sad I never got the chance to love you, like really love you
2.23.22 Make something of myself before someone else does
2.26.22 There are so many things you never thought you could do but you did them. So many things you thought you wouldn’t make it through but you did
3.4.22 Because of the morphine. Because of all the cancer.
3.4.22 I’m starting to change, no idea who I’ll turn out to be this time
3.5.22 My cheek was cold from hugging their gravestones
3.12.22 This cold March night, the moon is halfway whole and I am getting closer to whole every day.
3.13.22 Forever a late bloomer/I stand in my own way.
3.16.22 In my rear view mirror, in the night
The red from my tail lights
Glares back at me
3.26.22 everyone I love loves someone else.
3.27.22 I feel so incredibly lucky to be alive. Every breath is a godsend.
3.30.22 How is it you can hear emptiness?
4.4.22 everything goes full circle.
4.13.22 My soul truly is a work of art; I am truly a work of art
4.15.22 A conversation with my cousin about my other cousin that died of cancer years ago after harsh chemo treatments.
[after hesitation] “She did change, though.”
“Yeah.”
“Even if she were still here, she wouldn’t be the same.”
[woefully] “Yeah.”
4.17.22 Everyone always wants what they can’t have.
4.23.22 In the beginning of summer air, I feel something strange and familiar but I just can’t name it
5.5.22 Time just keeps going by and the months and the years with it and I’m scared and I don’t want to do it alone
5.6.22 You need me way more than I need you
5.14.22 it feels like what i yearn for is rarely what i get (love). but maybe i’m overlooking the simple things (family friends health money job school).
5.21.22 There are so many moments that exist only in human memory because when every moment passes, it’s gone
so unless the story is told, the memory dies with each person
In this way the Earth keeps her mysteries
5.28.22 Maybe there’s not just one thing I’m searching for, but a whole bunch of small things.
I’m afraid so.
6.1.22 Something changed in me these last few days, hopefully for the better
6.5.22 “ephemeral (adj) - condition of being short-lived; fleeting; transitory”
6.10.22 I’m actually afraid that I’m a little too whole alone to ever be loved by anybody again
6.17.22 There are fated meetings and fated departures
6.29.22 when the windmills stand still.
7.20.22 I just don’t think we see things in the same way
7.22.22 it’s a hard line to walk
7.24.22 i hope you feel the absence of my heart
7.31.22 just a sliver of the moon showing tn. just like my soul.
8.1.22 My chaos is not my weakness
8.9.22 A friend said to me today, in a pep talk for my nursing school test, “You never give up man, even when you do.” I love that.
8.18.22 why is burning bridges easier than closure?
8.19.22 Something about being seen
8.21.22 I guess I’m realizing that I actually have no idea what I want
or at least am not willing to face it
8.21.22 I really hope I never walk by you and feel sad because I don’t get to know you anymore
8.26.22 The way you hold my name in your mouth like you’re trying to get an extra taste for it
8.31.22 Life is about all the emotions we embody.. about love, about grief, about anger, about jealousy, about heartbreak, about loss, about joy, about pride, about loneliness, about impatience, about sadness, about shame... I am grateful to be able to feel & write about all of them. What a human privilege that is.
8.31.22 When you love people, their name’s never just a name after that
9.2.22 only in retrospect do I see myself unraveling.
9.6.22 Nothing like realizing you love someone way too late
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