#A dime a dozen skater (and I think that would have been wonderful too!)

[theultracharmingladynoire]

something something about how the rings not just symbolised Yuuri and Victor's bond and was not just an omamori for them something something Victor was the first person Yuuri wanted to hold on to and share his dreams with and depend on after fighting for so long ALONE something something the rings symbolising this exact same thing something something about how Yuuri's arc still is wonderful even when he didn't win the gold because he finally learnt to actually depend on people, share his dreams and aims with them and not fight alone which is something he struggles with for the whole show

[reminiscences]

another attempt at blogging

i started this tumblr a couple years ago at the same time kate did. i can’t remember why—i’m sure tumblr was in the news again for some reason. i guess it was before the great porn purge. i was talking about blogging again this week with my friend daniel, and i woke up this morning and he had sent me a blog he wrote on a new tumblr account early in the morning, so to continue my regression to the early 2010s, i too have rebooted tumblr, given it an era-appropriate name, and decided to give it another go.

the problem with having a newsletter is that i don’t think anyone wants to hear from me in their inbox daily, so i’ve become very precious about the things i write there. it feels like it has to really matter. i like blogs because they’re disposable and can be dumb and not your best writing. how many two-graf tumblr posts did i write in 2011 that were just thoughts i idly had during a statistics lecture? anyway, here’s the first blog, they won’t all be this long probably. 

When I think about eventually looking back at this year I think about what I want to remember from it. I will remember the first week of March. I’ll remember the last birthday party I attended in person at Branch Ofc, a perfectly serviceable Crown Heights bar that was very full of people. I’ll think about that night and how I showed up to the party with a Ziplock full of homemade salted chocolate chip cookies in my purse, how I shared them with a table where the birthday-haver and their friends sat. Breathing in the same air as the four dozen other people crammed into the bar. I can’t imagine it now. I like Branch Ofc because it is unpretentious without pretending to be a dive, unlike Sharlene’s, which tries too hard to mimic the aesthetic trappings of an authentic dive bar but is really just a normal Park Slope bar. Branch Ofc is just a bar where you can buy drinks, and it was an eight-minute walk from my old apartment. It used to be a bar with a photobooth and Big Buck Hunter but I think both of those are gone now. 

For a few days in March, it felt like people were preparing for a snow day. Everyone was slightly more on edge than giddy—but only slightly. “WFH but make it a coffeeshop” I saw on someone’s Instagram story, a selfie with four of their friends coworking somewhere in Bushwick, completely nullifying the point of a work-from-home edict. I ran into my friend Maddie at the renovated Key Food on Nostrand the next week. Maddie, her roommate and I were in the aisle with the Pop Tarts and the Oreos. “I feel like I should get those?” we asked each other, pointing at junk food. I wasn’t wearing a mask or gloves; nobody was. Some guy wearing a Cornell University Sigma Chi tshirt walked by us with the largest bag of dried beans I’ve ever seen in my life slung over his shoulder. That was a man who had never soaked dried beans in his life. I wonder if he ever ate the beans. We were a bunch of idiot 20-somethings blindly grabbing for cans of soup and Fritos for the end of the world. What were any of us doing there? Why was it imperative that day that I make and freeze a lasagna? Maddie’s roommate had fresh lasagna noodles from Eataly she wasn’t going to use before she left for her parents’ house, and she said I could have those. She brought them over for me and I idly wondered if you could get Coronavirus from someone else’s fresh pasta noodles or if the heat of the oven would kill the germs. I made my lasagna.

I’ll think about how March-to-May is just one long gray blurry streak in my head. I baked, I got into running, I said “running with a mask? No thank you, no more running for me,” I got a job, I felt bad about getting a job when everyone I knew in journalism was getting laid off. I did a lot of Zoom Zumba. At first I slept terribly, and then I started sleeping too much, and then I stopped sleeping again at some point during that stretch. There was a novelty to suddenly being inside all the time that made it feel like an excuse to get “really into martinis.” I got really into martinis. Then I stopped drinking for a couple months. Remember “Zoom happy hours”? 

The thing I use most as a means of setting apart different eras in my head is the music I used as a soundtrack at the time. I rang in the 2014 new year in my cute apartment on Westcott Street in Syracuse with my college boyfriend, drunk and blaring Cold Cave, before we walked down the street to Alto Cinco and got Mexican food and passed out. It was my senior year and I only had a few more months of living like this and I loved the small life I’d built for myself there. Of course, it couldn’t stay. When we broke up a year and a half later after he moved to New York, where I had been living for most of a year, I walked around the neighborhood near the Myrtle-Wyckoff stop, close to where we were living together, listening to Mitski’s 2014 album Bury Me At Makeout Creek. I sat in Maria Hernandez Park and watched a bunch of kids play Red Rover. I didn’t especially want to go home because I hadn’t taken an escape route into account when we broke up and somehow timed it out so that things ended after the first of the month, leaving me with three-and-a-half weeks of continuing to share an apartment with someone whose heart I had just broken. In retrospect it’s clear to me that I had just outgrown a relationship with someone five years older than me who hadn’t grown up at all, but I hear that Mitski album now and all I think about are the cold early April days of 2015 when no place and no person felt like home. There’s a line in First Love/Late Spring, by Mitski, where she sings “胸がはち切れそうで,” which translates to something like “My chest is about to burst (with grief).” My advice to recent college graduates moving to New York is to simply not do anything the way I did it. 

So when I think about 2020, I do not want to associate any music I previously had fond memories of with this year. This is unfortunate because every musician I like who produces sad music has nothing but time on their hands now and they’ve all come out with new songs and albums. My recently played selections on Spotify look like a cry for help: Phoebe Bridgers, Bright Eyes, even Tigers Jaw. 

On Saturday I couldn’t sleep in. I woke up at 5:30 and watched the sun appear through my bedroom windows. I kept rolling over, trying to sleep again, but it was futile. Eventually I got up and got dressed, and left my apartment on foot. The walk into lower Manhattan is a few miles from my new place in Fort Greene. I walked west on Fulton, and then down Flatbush. It would have saved me ten minutes to take the Manhattan Bridge, but I’ve always regarded it as the ugliest of the bridges to cross on foot or on bike—last fall, I would walk home from Ben’s apartment over the Manhattan Bridge, and it was just so grey. You get an okay view of Dumbo, I guess, on the walk east, but it isn’t much to look at. When I got back to the Brooklyn side on those walks, I’d get on the A at High Street and take it back to Nostrand instead of walking the last couple miles. 

So I chose the Brooklyn Bridge this time. It was as busy as you’d expect it to be in a non-pandemic event. Instagram boyfriends took pictures of their girlfriends, who took off their masks for a few seconds for the right shot. I saw a couple taking engagement pictures in front of the lower Manhattan skyline. It felt so normal, pedestrians and bicyclists squeezing past each other at the narrow points. 

I was listening to Saint Cloud, the Waxahatchee album that came out a few months ago, turning it over and over in my brain like a rock you pick up at the beach and end up carrying with you on a long walk. The album, outwardly, has this gauzy blue-sky Americana vibe but when you listen to the lyrics of some of the songs it feels like peeling back layers of skin until you hit a raw nerve ending. Every song feels like a eulogy for this year. “You might mourn all that you wasted/That’s just part of the haul,” Katie Crutchfield sings on Ruby Falls. I got to the title track, which closes out the album, as I ascended the bridge. When you get baaaack on the M train, watch the cityyyyyy mutaaaaaaate, she sings. I guess she’s singing about New York. Is there another M train somewhere? I don’t know. I’m going to think about this stupid year whenever I listen to this album, I thought.

I got off the bridge at City Hall, surveyed the ongoing occupation movement there and the literal dozens of cops that had seemingly been deployed to stand there and, at best, do nothing. I walked down Centre Street, eventually winding through the little park by Baxter Street where two adults were playing ping pong, which felt like a socially distanced sport, all things considered. I walked down all those side streets in Chinatown as the sun struggled to break through the oppressive clouds. I walked by Nom Wah, past the salon Polly taught me will give you a very good $12 blowout, past that annoying bar where the bartenders are dressed like scientists, past the place where Kate and I got our auras read on her birthday in January, and ended up at Deluxe Green Bo. I ordered my spicy wontons in peanut sauce and ate them right there, the hot plastic container burning my knees as I sat on the sidewalk. 

Afterwards I walked by all my favorite places—the skatepark under the bridge, Cervo’s, Beverly’s (RIP), Little Canal, Jajaja, the Hawa Smoothie near the East Broadway F. The skaters were hanging out in Dimes Square. Everything had changed but standing outside Kiki’s, it felt for a second like almost nothing had. It was almost a normal Saturday on Canal Street. The sky stayed electric blue until I got back to Brooklyn. 

[julianwolski]

Issue #1 - Why should you watch Yuri!!! on ICE?

With a premise that involves figure skating, something quite rare in anime, one would expect this series to bring competition to the front seat for the ride, or butcher everything about the sport along the way--but one would be wrong on both counts. I am the first to admit that Yuri!!! on ICE does batter the audience with a lot of technical information, but most of the time it’s used as a way to further the plot and develop the characters, which for me was fascinating to follow.

The main focus of the series is Yuri Katsuki. As Yuri says himself, he is one of a dime-a-dozen top Japanese skaters, who after failing in one of the biggest competitions of his career doesn’t know what to with his life. For all the talent Yuri has, it seems like he got stuck and stopped improving.

With shame dragging him down, Yuri makes his escape to Japan, trying to hide away from the world. He hopes this will be the perfect moment for him to look inwards and decide whether he wants to continue skating or wallow in misery for the rest of his life.

Talk about fanboy!

From the get to go, it’s clear that Yuri loves skating, but this love is presented through a different perspective. It’s not only by the words he says that we can see this emotion. Instead, the story is peppered with little moments that help the viewer understand how this feeling came to be and how it grew over time.

It all started when Yuri saw Victor Nikiforov, a then teen skater from Russia, a few years older than Yuri himself. Instantly he became a fan of the way Victor moved across the ice, and that early infatuation eventually evolved into admiration. Through the years these feelings shaped who Yuri is and helped him nurture his love for skating.

Even now, Victor still is Yuri’s idol. He is someone Yuri looks up to, and someone whose level of excellence Yuri always aimed to reach--if not technically, artistically.

He never managed to do that, though. Yuri has talent, but it feels like he doesn’t know how to harness it and direct his efforts the right way. Also, Yuri himself has trouble believing he has what it takes to get close to Victor.

That’s one of the reasons why when these two meet close and personal, after a surprising turn of events, the world shifts on its axis.  

Victor leaves Russia for Japan. Together, they share the same ice, something they only did in competition before, but never at an intimate level. For all the laughs that their first interactions will get out of you, slowly these two start to find common ground in the rink, and it’s not a surprise the way they get close to one another.

NIPPLE!

On their orbit, however, we have a bunch of other characters that make their mark on the story. One of them is Yuri Plisetski, the rival of our main character.

Yurio, as the series baptizes him early on, wants Victor’s attention to himself after a promise made to him. However, even as a young kid that is a genius on the ice, Yurio is completely inexperienced in life outside of it, and it shows.

Inadvertently he follows Victor to Japan and tries to get the man to come back with him, albeit with no success. In the end both Yuris battle for Victor in a way that doesn’t seem unlike two knights unsheathing swords for a princess.

Besides that, their interesting dynamic offers the audience two very different viewpoints of the skating world: one from the eyes of someone that has been at it for years but hasn’t reached yet the pinnacle of success, and the other from someone that is a threat to all the established players in the game.

If anything, we should have gotten an entire episode of this party!

These three are central to the story, but there’s a lot more skaters, friends, and family that manage to steal the scene. We get to know Yuri’s close family and appreciate how much they root for him. There are the friends Yuri left behind in his hometown when he was young, the other competitors in the skating world, many of them who are also friends with Yuri, the coaches, and fans; a lot of colorful faces that bring a worldly charm to the show.

And now, I couldn’t very well forget about Makkachin, Victor’s dog. He begs to be adopted by anyone that starts watching the show. With his cute, fun, and carefree nature, there’s a special place for him between Yuri and Victor--and in the hearts of everyone that gets into the show too.

Do I need to say anything?

I’m sure many people gave props to the series for being an important piece of media depicting a gay relationship, especially for its country of origin and the mainstream attention it got, and I’m not here to dispute that. What I would like to call attention to, is the fact that there was a lot of thought put into this series, especially when it comes to how it was written.

The way these characters act, being their actions right or wrong, seems natural but also idealistic at times.  The same with the way various of the relationships that bloom, and even how the characters themselves evolve throughout the show. Some may seem stereotyped or impossible to take seriously, but most of the characters and situations have a side that can resonate with the audience.

There’s a little bit of everything for everyone, that’s for sure.

Another thing that also impressed me was the absence of those big coming out moments. I’m not against them, mind you, but it is such a visceral part of our queer identities that when it doesn’t exist in a universe, or when it doesn't receive the same amount of attention, you start to wonder why it is the way it is in our own society. What we get to experience is the way the bond between Yuri and Victor gets stronger and thrives based on simple and pure moments.

And though, some might say it’s not realistic, the show does carry a level of realism within its core, especially in the figure skating front. In fact, people from the skating community criticized the believability of the talent of some skaters in the series arguing that they were doing impossible feats, only to have a real skater surpass whatever impossible feat they thought the series was based on. The name of the guy who did it is Nathan Chen, if anyone is wondering.

But I digress. This is supposed to be fiction, after all. Although silly at times, Yuri!!! on ICE has a lot of poignancy in the way it addresses some complex issues the characters have to go through.  

When it was airing I remember waiting for each episode eagerly. I’m sure now you’re going to smile and laugh and cry if you watch, and most likely want more of it by the end, which is good because there’s still a movie in the works.

With only twelve episodes, Yuri!!! on Ice is short, and if you fall for it, you’ll think it ends too soon. So, yeah, I think you should give it a try.

P.S.: The series has an incredible soundtrack! Not only it gives life to the characters but it also adds a lot to the experience of watching. You’re going to be singing some of the songs in no time, I guarantee!

[theaveragepenguin]

fanfic: two less lonely people in the world

(Also available here.)

When your life is defined more by what you should have—could have, would have—done, rather than what you actually did, you start to lose sight of the purpose of it—if you’ve ever truly known it. You’re lost in that space between giving up and pushing on; you drag yourself down with an endless spiral of what-ifs, and you drown and drown and drown and you’re wasting your potential away because what’s the point, really, if you were never good enough in the first place?

You never truly know until you try, right?

Wrong.

You know. You know deep in your bones that you’ve peaked. You know that your mind can only take so much doubt, and that your body can only take so much abuse. Is it worth it? Are you worth it?

Yes.

Yes.

Vicchan.

No. It’s not.

I’m not. I wasn't—

But then, there you were.

Victor.

Life can be defined by an innumerable amount of moments in time, Vitya, but you—

You have defined me with ten.

One

You gave me a dream. I was twelve when I first saw you dance across the ice on a small TV screen, and you were wonderful and beautiful, anata. You have to understand, Vitya. I was shy, and though I didn’t know it yet, afraid of the world. But suddenly, there you were, and then I wanted to be like you—and skate like you, and talk to you, and compete against you.

I wanted to be the one to stand on that ice and steal the gold from you with the grit and grace endured by my own two feet and—

Two  

Two minutes and twenty-three seconds. That’s how long your short program was in the 2004–2005 season. You were sixteen then, and it was your last year in the junior division. You were crowned with blue roses, and you looked so happy—and of course you did, you did just break a world record.

You know I love your routines. Yuuko and I skated that one for months. We downgraded your jumps to singles and doubles, but the majesty of it never wore off. We had so much fun, and even Takeshi joined us—we skated circles and figure-eights and memories. We were together a lot, the three of us, at least until Yuuko and Takeshi started dating. And then it became the two of them—and oh,

You know the triplets.

Three

The three of them were born in 2010. That was the year of the Olympics, and yes, I know you’re wondering what exactly you have to do with this, but hear me out!

While you were skating your way to gold, Yuuko was in labor. She was screaming, Vitya. She was screaming because she couldn’t see your free skate live, and it took hours for the triplets to be born, and—

Beyond their mother’s apparent love for our sport, have you ever wondered why they were named Axel, Lutz and Loop, anata?

In your Olympic free skate, you spontaneously managed a triple axel with a perfect +3 GOE. You also performed an amazing triple lutz-triple loop combination that Yuuko—we—couldn’t get over. She watched your programs the moment after she gave birth, you know. “The world has been blessed with my children and four-and-a-half minutes of unparalleled glory,” she said, and I wanted to try. I wanted to try so hard that—

Four

Vicchan was four when I decided to leave for Detroit. Minako pushed me to go when she realized that I couldn’t train quads with the local coaches near home. They never competed internationally. They wouldn’t know. I needed a proper coach—how else was I going to be able to reach you, Vitya? Celestino was more than a decent coach, and I knew that. But.

Do you know what it’s like to leave everything you knew behind, Vitya? It was terrifying—and half the time, I was wondering if I could do it, if I was good enough, and I so very much wanted to be because I loved the ice and though it wasn’t the same way as I do now, I loved you, Victor. I love you still and always will.

I loved Vicchan too. And that was the last time I saw him beyond the pictures and the videos that my family would send me over the years.

Years.

Five

I didn’t see my family for five years, Vitya, but I tried to convince myself that it was fine. I left to learn, to be better, and my efforts were finally paying off—I qualified for the Grand Prix Final. I finally got to compete against you! I was so excited (and nervous)—I wanted to talk to you, and I hoped that you would see me. (Acknowledge me.) I wanted so much for my dreams to come true and—

Oh, Vicchan died.

Vicchan died, Vitya.

Six

I fell to sixth place—I was last after a disastrous free skate where I popped all but one of my jumps because I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there, Vitya.

I failed.

So I wallowed. I hid myself in a bathroom stall to cry because:

What was the point of those five years? Why did I leave my family and get my hopes up—and get their hopes up—when I should have realized that seventeen years of skating (of doing something that I once loved) aren’t enough to change the hundreds of voices screaming in my head?

(And the thousands of voices yelling at me to retire because they thought I wasn’t good enough)

Then there you were.

Victor Nikiforov.

First place. Gold medalist. You were wearing a red and white Russian team tracksuit when you passed by me.

You said my name.

But oh—you weren’t talking to me, obviously. Yuri Plisetsky.  

He screamed at me in the bathroom. Have I ever told you that?

How embarrassing.

You asked if I wanted a commemorative photo. Did you think I was a fan, Vitya? Or did you actually think that I wanted to commemorate a performance so terrible? (Yours was, without a doubt, amazing and ethereal, but I scored a hundred points lower than you, or maybe you didn’t know—you probably didn’t know.)

And that was okay. (No, it wasn’t.)

But it hurt. It hurt so much, Vitya.

I wanted to stop. I didn’t want to see you—not just you, but all of you—

Seven

The banquet started at seven that evening. I arrived half an hour later, not that anyone noticed—nor should they have. Celestino was the only reason I was there. You were talking to sponsors, Vitya.

Another half-hour later and I had already downed eight flutes of champagne. My memory was hazy at this point, Vitya, so forgive me, but the last thing that I remember was you watching me. I thought you must have found me disgusting—getting drunk at an ISU-sanctioned event?      

What a joke.

But.

But you told me that was the best night of your life. I can barely recall anything from that night, anata, but I’ll take your word for it. I had another eight flutes of champagne, I think. I lost count after that.

What did you say happened, Vitya?

Oh, yes, the dancing. Did I dance the flamenco with you, my love? How many turns did we have? Are you sure I did that, Vitya? Did I really challenge Yura? Twice? I won, right? You want me to pole-dance again, don’t you?

(You once mentioned how empty you felt before that, and I—I didn’t know that gold could be so suffocating. I didn’t know that the top could feel so lonely.

I’ll dance for you—with you—anytime you want. Whatever makes you happy, Vitya.

After all, you’ve made me happier than words could ever express.)

Eight

… Did you really watch that video eight times, Victor?

You came barging into my life on April. It was snowing that day. (Snow in April, Vitya? Does the ice really love you so much?)

It was four months since I last saw you, and you have to consider the fact I didn’t—and I still don’t—remember the banquet. It was a shock to the senses to see you.

Because there you were. Naked. Standing in all your bare-faced glory. Proclaiming that you were going to be my coach.    

You didn’t know what you were getting into.

Eros and Agape and all that was in-between.

Did you actually think I wanted you to be anyone other than who you truly are? You are Victor Nikiforov, and you are mine. I have stolen you from the world. You are Victor. You are Vitya. You are—

—you are the first person I’ve ever wanted to hold on to.

You were laughing, I was laughing, and Yura was laughing; the three of us painted the night sky with sparklers and the souls that we bared out to the world.

But still, you didn’t know what you were getting into.

There were eight minutes and forty-three seconds left until my free skate, and you stood there in front of me in the wide empty space of a parking lot. You made me cry. Stupid, Vitya. You don’t tell people that you’re going to leave them when they’re having anxiety attacks. You stay by them. You stay by their side, and trust me when I say that that alone is enough.

You are enough.

Nine

You were more than enough, and you deserved so much more than just a dime-a-dozen skater. You deserved more than coaching someone with a measly 97.83 for their short program score—you deserved gold and not a fourth place start in the Grand Prix Final.

You deserved more than the nine chimes of church bells ringing in Barcelona and the two shaky hands that pushed a single gold ring onto your finger, like you were theirs to claim. You deserved, you deserved—    

And yet, you were happy.

And yet, you wanted to stay.

You still wanted silver (not gold) Katsuki Yuuri. You still wanted me.  

Ten

And this is the moment where I realize:

You love me, and you are happy with second place, and there are less than three weeks left until Japanese Nationals (and Russian Nationals, Vitya), and you’re drilling my quad flip, and you kiss me five times when I fall, and you have to practice too—it’s been over six months since you’ve last competed, Vitya, and we’ll just be apart for seven days, anata, and it takes eight seconds for you to spot me in the airport when I return, and I’ve discovered that you have exactly nine moles spread across your body that night, and—

Victor.

Life is defined by an innumerable amount of moments in time, Vitya, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of mine with you.

[ereans]

A Response to the Comparison of Free! and Yuri!!! On Ice’s Depiction of Queer Relationships

I’m not even sure if anyone’s going to take the time to read this but I needed to better collect my thoughts about this. So I guess this is mostly just for myself. Either way, I’ve been seeing a lot of comparison between Free! and Yuri!!! On Ice recently, and while this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I think that a lot of people are making comparisons where they just ... shouldn’t be made, or where the two shows are kind of like apples and oranges. Specifically, on the existence (or suggestion thereof) of queer relationships. 

It’s obvious to anyone who’s even so much as touched Yuri!!! On Ice with a ten-foot pole that there’s a canon same-sex relationship between two men, Yuuri and Victor, and this has kind of been groundbreaking. There is an actual, healthy, romantic, canon relationship between these two men, and the show makes no apologies for it and throws us absolutely no curve balls. We see the development of their relationship through the course of the show and over several time skips from competition to competition as Victor coaches Yuuri and how the two develop romantic feelings for each other during this time. There is a lot of growth as they learn of each other’s emotional responses and behaviors, as Victor finds ways around Yuuri’s intense competition anxiety in order to get him to do his best every time and believe in himself, and as Yuuri, the main character, finally understands his full potential. Likely for the first time, as we witness him going from referring to himself as a “dime a dozen skater” in the first episode to being entirely confident about winning gold at the end of the series.

We see this relationship, however not as entirely fleshed out and taken slowly as I’m sure some fans would have liked to see it. As I said, there were a lot of time jumps, and this prevented us from having a lot of insight into their relationship as smaller things developed and they fell further and further in love. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this, because there isn’t---because this show is about Yuuri. 

It is about his development, and his growth, as an adult in the skating world arguably past his prime, or where his prime was expected to be, and his decisions about what to do next. Already this is different from Free!, which I’ll get to in a bit. This show is Yuuri’s story and his alone; the show just so happens to also do a fantastic job at introducing and fleshing out secondary characters, as well, and Yuuri also happens to be a queer man. A queer man that just so happens to fall into a queer relationship with Victor, who is also a main character, but certainly not who the show is about. The show is not about this relationship, it just does a really wonderful job of portraying it.

Why does this matter? Well, because Free! is a show about relationships. 

Haruka is clearly the main character of Free!---he’s the one we see the most of and the one we follow around the most in terms of perspective, but the show isn’t about his story alone. Yes, this show fails in a lot of ways regarding secondary characters, but this show is no doubt about the relationships it contains and how these relationships affect each main character’s well-being and future, depending on the season. In the first season, the overarching conflict is unarguably Rin’s return and his (more arguable) depression, and how Haruka and the others deal with him being around again, his attitude and actions, and coming to understand their own feelings as well as the feelings of one another; and most obviously, why they swim. Pretty much everyone in this show asks themselves and answers this question at one point or another. In the second season, the show is about moving forward and discovering a future, and the realness of that and how it can be intensely scary when you don’t know what to do, and when all the people you care about are expecting you to do one specific thing.

Free! has a focus on Haruka because he is the main character, but more obviously focuses on Haruka’s relationships---the main one being his relationship with Rin, and very closely following this, his relationship with Makoto. The first season is about rediscovering and mending relationships. The second season is about moving forward with them. Keep in mind that this post is entirely opinion based---although I am viewing this show from a logical standpoint---and you’re free to disagree with me, but this has always been what Free! was about to me. Its relationships, rather than its individuals.

On to why this matters, particularly in terms of romance:

Yuuri!!! On Ice’s main relationship was slipped meticulously under the radar. It wasn’t made a big deal of and it wasn’t exploited, and it wasn’t the main focus. It just was, and this was why it was done so well, why it’s so respected, and why it could pass so easily. Because the main relationship was not the focus of the show and making it the focus was never YOI’s goal. This works, because the main focus is Yuuri.

I’ve made this point a million times now, many times before YOI even came out, but I’ll make it again here: Free! never promised us anything in terms of queer romance, the fans never really expected anything to be canon, and we really weren’t supposed to expect this in the first place. Yes, the show has a heavy amount of fan service and we can all argue over whether or not it counts as baiting until we’re blue in the face, but it wouldn’t make any difference in terms of relationships being canon because Free! is not a romance, and KyoAni didn’t want it to be a romance.

The thing is, because Free! is about relationships (and swimming, lol), if KyoAni made a ship canon, no matter what ship it would be, the show would immediately fall victim to being about that relationship. Free! focused so much more heavily and so much more slowly on the development of its platonic relationships because they were the most important and defining factor, and therefore if a relationship became canon, the whole show would automatically feel like build up to it. It wouldn’t be able to be ignored. It wouldn’t be able to be looked at as something that “just so happens to have happened.” It would feel purposeful, likely exploited, and it would feel like the focus. It would feel like an entirely different show to me, personally. (Not to mention, it would piss off the fandom.)

That’s how simple my main point is. Yuri!!! On Ice and Free! are both sports anime, but that’s pretty much the extent of what they have in common. They’re about different things, take place at different points in the character’s lives, promise different things, and take things in terms of plot and development in different directions. Free! is young and juvenile and carefree, and Yuri!!! On Ice is its older, gayer, and more mature cousin. Twice removed. 

And because their focuses are so different, so is the place where a romance would fall. A romance felt natural to Yuri!!! On Ice because it could fall naturally, but while a romance wouldn’t seem too far-fetched for Free!, it also wouldn’t fall naturally, because there’s too much of a focus already there on friendship. If KyoAni came forward tomorrow and announced that RinHaru or MakoHaru or SouRin was canon all of a sudden, moments from said couple would become defining of the show all on their own, instead of having every moment from every relationship as a collective whole being defining moments, and would therefore take away from the platonic relationships it worked hard to develop, all suggestions of romance aside. 

As a queer person, of course I’d like to see more representation of same-sex or queer relationships in media. Yuri!!! On Ice granted me that, but I’d never be disappointed in Free! for not doing that. I’m a shipper, and sort of a romantic, but as for romance’s place in Free!, I think it’s better left up to the imagination of the fans than it is in canon. 

TL;DR: Free! is about platonic relationships and YOI is about one sole character. Putting a romance in fits with YOI because it’s non-exploitative and secondary. For Free! to deliver on this, something it never even promised, is both ridiculous and diminutive of the platonic relationships it already took the time and hard work to develop.

(Also, as a very important side note ....... queer people are allowed to be queer and friends. You don’t need a romantic relationship to wholeheartedly believe that a show has queer representation, folks. That is all.)

[charlie-minion]

Stay close to me, don’t go!

I have just realized something that has blown my mind! In Yuri on Ice episode 9, when Vicktor and Yuuri reunited at the airport, Yuuri asked Viktor to take care of him until he retires (there was a translation error in that scene; for more info read this post until the end). Yuuri didn’t ask Viktor to be his coach until retirement, he asked him to take care of him, in a personal relationship, not in a professional one. That’s why Viktor said it sounded like a marriage proposal –though both understood and reacted to the whole situation differently. These two need to seriously improve their communication skills because all their misunderstandings happened for not expressing openly what they really wanted. Everybody has thought that Viktor telling Yuuri that he wished he’d never retire was beautiful, but that was the exact moment Yuuri realized he had no choice but retire.

This is going to get really long, so read more after the cut. (Also, I had screenshots ready for this post, but Tumblr decided to be a jerk about it and didn’t let me upload ANY of them). 

At the end of episode 9, Yuuri decided he would retire after the Grand Prix Final, but he didn’t talk to Viktor about it. We saw Yuuri worry about what would happen after the GPF in episodes 8 and 9. In episode 8, it was when Yuri said that Yuuri would suffer a miserable defeat in Moscow. In that moment, Yuuri thought, “If I can’t rank higher than fourth in this event, I won’t make it to the GPF. And if I don’t, what will Viktor do?”

Some minutes earlier Viktor had said to the media that until the GPF was over, he wouldn’t comment on any future plans. Nobody knew what Viktor wanted to do after the GPF, not even Yuuri and that pushed him to make his own decision.

When Viktor had to return to Japan and Yuuri had to face the FS program on his own, Yuuri really believed Viktor would leave him after the GFP. He said so while skating, “If I fail here, everything is over”.

And what happened when he thought that? He flubbed his combination jump and remembered that Viktor told him that happened when something was on his mind (aka when he wasn’t focused on expressing his feelings through his skating).  He also remembered when he saw Viktor in the onsen telling him he would be his couch and he would make him win the GPF. The GPF is the first important event in a season. After that there come the Nationals, the Four Continents, and the World Championships. Viktor never talked about those events with Yuuri; hence why Yuuri believed after the GPF everything would be over. He had believed his time with Viktor was limited since the beginning (he said so in ep 4).

What was the next jump Yuuri flubbed in his FS? The one when he was thinking this: “I was able to come this far because Viktor believed in me. If I end here without making the GPF…”

He didin’t finish that idea and two-footed his landing. That’s when he decided to stop thinking about Viktor leaving. At this point Yuuri had to think what would happen to him once Viktor was gone. Would he continue skating or would he retire? During his program, Yuuri realized that he could continue skating with or without Viktor and was thankful for that. In fact, he didn’t want people to think that everything Viktor had taught him had been a waste. In episode 9 Yuuri realized that he’d always skated with the idea to win (even at last year’s GPF), and that he was NOT weak. Viktor just helped him realize that those things were true. In that episode Yuuri thought of Yuri as his rival and said Yuri was an idiot because Yuuri had more stamina than him and could therefore do more challenging jumps. In episode 9, Yuuri realized that skating would be tough with or without Viktor by his side, but he also understood his unique value as a skater. 

That’s why I believe that in that moment Yuuri decided NOT to retire.

That’s when he decided that he would be done when he got the gold with Viktor, that he WOULD get the gold in the GPF as a thank you to Viktor not just for coaching him, but for believing in him and making him stronger through love –a feeling he didn’t even think about until Viktor came to his life.  

At this point Yuuri was certain Viktor would go back to Russia soon. He thought about it while hugging Yakov in the kiss and cry, and he continued to think about it even when he knew that he was one of the 6 to compete in the GPF. While skating his FS, Yuuri was sure he wanted to get gold for Viktor, but after the Rostelecom Cup was over, he remembered he couldn’t count on having Viktor with him forever and there still was the possibility of him not winning gold. What would happen then?

Before Yuri interrupted him, Yuuri said to himself that he would have Viktor step down as his coach but he didn’t say what he was planning afterward. What was Yuuri thinking? Yuuri talked about his career being close to reaching its peak and about really wanting the gold medal. He said the GPF would be his last chance but he didn’t talk about retiring. He thought the GPF would be his last chance to give a gold medal to Viktor and that is confirmed when he said “even if I don’t win gold, I’ll have Viktor step down as coach”.  

The last time Yuuri thought about the possibility of this being his last season was in episode 4 and he wasn’t exactly stronger at that time yet. He said he’d become stronger in ep 5, at the conference when he presented the theme for his new season. In fact, it’s important to notice the way Yuuri talked about himself as “one of the top men’s figure skaters certified by JSF” in episode 6 and as “a figure skater representing Japan” in episode 7. Contrast that with what he said in episode 12, “I’m a dime-a-dozen Japanese figure skater”, repeating what he’d said about himself in episode 1 but with a different tone. He didn’t believe that anymore. He was just trying to convince himself because he’d decided to retire, just as he’d started considering after his defeat in last year’s GPF.

Now the airport scene: Yuuri had a lot to tell Viktor. He probably wanted to thank him for everything and end their coach/student relationship after the GPF, but I don’t think retiring was one of the things he had in mind. That’s why he told Viktor to take care of him until retirement. He didn’t want Viktor to be his coach; he wanted Viktor to stay close to him and not leave him. Yuuri was talking about his personal relationship with Viktor, not the professional one. That’s why he was so happy when Viktor seemed to easily understand and said Yuuri’s words sounded like a marriage proposal. That wasn’t professional; it was 100% personal. But then… Yuuri’s expression changed dramatically.

I suppose you have wondered why Yuuri looked so happy when Viktor mentioned the marriage proposal but started crying the moment Viktor said “I wish you’d never retire”. I have wondered about it too and my interpretation is the following:

To Yuuri, Viktor’s words sounded like the one talking was his coach. Yuuri was basically telling Viktor, ‘stay close to me, let’s grow old together’, and Viktor didn’t get it. (By the way, I’m sure Viktor totally got it, but Yuuri thought he didn’t). In Yuuri’s mind “I wish you’d never retire” suggested something unreal; the real thing was that Yuuri would retire some day and then everything would be over. 

Yuuri thought that Viktor was still talking about skating. He didn’t want Viktor Nikiforov, his coach, to stay with him; he wanted Viktor, the man he’d fallen in love with, and just that. If he continued skating, Viktor would stay but not out of love; he would stay to continue coaching him. That’s why Yuuri was crying when he said “let’s win gold together at the GPF”. Poor Yuuri! He totally misunderstood Viktor.

Yuuri had his imminent retirement in mind. That’s why he bought the rings in episode 10 as a thank-you gift to Viktor for all his help. He blushed every second when he gave the ring to Viktor because he wasn’t stupid; he knew what it meant to him, but he also thought that Viktor wasn’t going to take it that way. He was very wrong, of course, as Viktor himself called them engagement rings later on.

After that, we don’t know what else was going on in Yuuri’s mind. Next time we saw him, he was about to do his SP at the GPF. All his body language showed how down he was feeling. The fact that he thought his coach/student relationship with Viktor would be over and that Viktor would leave him might explain why Yuuri’s last Eros routine gave us a less than friendly face. 

Yuuri spent most of his SP thinking about jumps and scores. He didn’t think about Viktor anymore, probably because according to Yuuri, what was even the point? It was heartbreaking to see how devastated Yuuri felt when he finished his SP. In the meantime, we saw everything that Viktor was thinking and feeling, but Yuuri didn’t because Viktor wouldn’t say anything to him… because Viktor didn’t know what he should give Yuuri.

Then Yuuri saw Viktor watching the other skaters with a pensive or even excited expression at times. The way Viktor reacted to Otabek’s performance affected Yuuri even more because Viktor considered it exotic and fresh. Yuuri probably thought that he was just one skater more in Viktor’s eyes and that Viktor wanted to either return to skating or coach somebody else.

At least we got to see his character growth when he acknowledged that neither his defeat at last year’s GPF nor his performance at this year’s should make him feel any kind of regret because after all he managed to become one of the final six and that was a big deal. Bravo, Yuuri!

Then we got this bomb, “after the final, let’s end this.” Yuuri wanted to thank Viktor for everything and set him free as his coach. He DID NOT expect Viktor to cry. He didn’t think that Viktor cared so much about him outside of skating. That’s why he couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw Viktor’s tears. Viktor’s passionate “How can you tell me to return to the ice while saying you’re retiring?” surprised Yuuri enough to take a little longer before making a final decision regarding his future.  

Viktor was completely destroyed after that. His sadness was so obvious that it still breaks my heart. How could Yuuri not notice? Right before Yuuri went on the ice, we saw a flashback of the moment Yuuri decided to retire, the airport scene with Viktor, the moment when Yuuri completely misunderstood Viktor.

Before Yuuri started his FS, Viktor treated him as a student for a moment, and Yuuri noticed the difference. He told Viktor not to suddently start trying to sound like a coach. Then Viktor was Viktor again and stayed true to himself as Yuuri asked him. He had known since episode 2 that Yuuri was a sore loser, so he knew that the only way Yuuri might change his mind about retiring was if he didn’t win gold at the GPF. That’s why Viktor started teasing him with the gold medal he wanted to kiss. He made the medal a tribute to Viktor, a tribute Yuuri wanted to give him since episode 9 anyway, a tribute that in the end Yuuri wouldn’t be able to give him. Viktor knew Yuuri would not accept defeat and simply retire if Yuuri didn’t win gold.

People might say Viktor did something unhealthy and selfish, but I just think he did something very human and easy to relate to. Viktor is not perfect, but he knew Yuuri was making a big mistake and he probably understood that he was doing it so that he (Viktor) could return to skating. He understood Yuuri knew Viktor would stay with him as his coach for as long as he continued to be a competitive skater, but Yuuri didn’t want to hold him back the way figure skating had held him back for 20 years. He understood Yuuri wasn’t being selfish but selfless for Viktor’s sake.

The only thing is that Viktor didn’t want that sacrifice, so he acted accordingly. Yuuri had just turned 24, it was too soon for him to retire; he still had so much to offer and so much to grow as a skater and as a person who deals with anxiety. Viktor knew it and that probably motivated him to act: He hinted at his comeback to Yuuri in the kiss and cry, and he told Yakov he was coming back in front of Yuri. Since episode 10, we know Viktor knew that Yuuri was the one who motivated Yuri to do his best, so Viktor used that and it worked. Yuri actually did his best to win the gold and stop Yuuri from retiring. He won by 0.12, so if he hadn’t added a quad at the end of his program (doing something beyond his limits again), he wouldn’t have won. 

Episode 12 showed us that Viktor understood Yuuri better than Yuuri understood Viktor. Yuuri didn’t want his relationship with Viktor to end at the GPF, not even his coach/student one; he wanted to be in figure skating with Viktor forever, but he didn’t want to kill Viktor as a competitive skater. He wanted Viktor to stay with him and never leave him, but out of love, not out of responsibility as a coach. That’s why Yuuri decided to free him no matter how much it hurt. And Viktor understood that, so he had to find a way to stop it. 

In the end, two things convinced Yuuri not to retire 1) Yuri’s outstanding performance that prevented him from winning gold and 2) Viktor’s comeback to the ice. He offered his silver medal to Viktor, but Viktor still teased him about the gold medal so that Yuuri would finally make up his mind. Yuuri is a sore loser, remember? What was the result? 

He decided NOT to retire! However, and this is very important, Yuuri didn’t ask Viktor to be his coach; he asked him to stay with him in competitive figure skating for one more year. There’s a saying that goes like this: “If you love something, set it free; if it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” Yuuri set Viktor free and, in the end, Viktor’s decision was to return to the ice AND TO STAY CLOSE TO YUURI AND NOT GO anywhere.

That was when Yuuri finally understood that Viktor would stay with him not because he had to, but because he wanted to. That’s why their pair skating was so perfect. They danced for each other the ultimate love song, the ultimate love wish: Stammi vicino non te ne andare… Stay close to me, don’t go.

This anime is going to be the death of me, I swear!

[imatastyporkcutletbowl]

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                                                                                                 Still aglow with happiness after the Grand Prix Finals, Victor and Yuuri have no idea of the tragedy that is about to strike.  Will love be enough this time to bring Victor Nikiforov back to the ice?

My name is Yuuri Katsuki, and a little more than a year ago, I was a dime a dozen Japanese skater with dreams of becoming a Grand Prix gold medalist. I had nearly given up on that goal, when the man who inspired me to become a skater, left skating, himself, to become my coach.

Victor Nikiforov…without you, I would never have come to love ice skating. Without you, I would not be wearing a Grand Prix silver medal around my neck.

Thank you so much, Victor…for showing me your love by helping me to grow, and by teaching me to show you my love through skating. I promise you that next year, I will be the Grand Prix gold medalist, even though I will have to beat you to do it.

“Yuuri,” Victor’s voice called from the bathroom, “the water is hot.”

Yuuri’s wide brown eyes that had been focused out the hotel window at the night sky, blinked, and his head turned to look in the direction of the bathroom.

He’s waiting for me. And I can feel that things are going to change a bit now. Before, when I had no confidence in myself, Victor held back to let me grow stronger. I could feel in the kisses he gave me at the Grand Prix banquet, that he feels I am ready now to show my love for him in ways besides skating.

A little nervous sweat broke out on Yuuri’s forehead, and his face warmed in reaction.

I’m a little bit scared. While I know that Victor will continue to let me grow slowly, I have never been loved physically. It is all new to me. So, I will be shaky and sometimes scared, like I was about skating when I was younger and had such a long way to go. But Victor knows me so well, and what he doesn’t know, he reads carefully and measures. I feel so deeply that it will be all right.

I just need to take those few steps to join him.

“Yuuri?”

The younger man’s breath caught in surprise.

When did he come to join me?

Yuuri’s eyes took in the look of concern on Victor’s handsome face and the other man’s warm scent drifted across his senses.

I want very much to go to him.

“Are you all right?” Victor asked, taking up a position in front of him, “You look like there’s something on your mind. Will you tell me, Yuuri?”

How do I put these feelings into words?

He slipped into Victor’s arms and rested his head gently on his partner’s strong shoulder, nuzzling his cheek.

I love you, Victor.

You felt my longing and you came to me and fulfilled my every dream. Now, I want to come to you and fulfill all of yours. I guess part of me is just afraid that my inexperience in physical love will not let me do that. I want to hold on to you. I want to satisfy you. But some little part of me wonders if I can be enough.

“Say something, Yuuri.”

Yuuri’s head turned slightly and he pressed his lips to the tender flesh of Victor’s soft neck. He closed his eyes.

I love you.

I love you, Victor.

I love you so much that being with you like this leaves me speechless.

He felt Victor’s fingertips under his chin and met his partner’s blue-green eyes hopefully.

You understand, don’t you?

“Yuuri, please say what you are thinking so loudly. I’m being as patient as I can, but…”

“I love you, Victor!”

There, I said it!

Yuuri froze, shivering under Victor’s warm hands. He sought Victor’s eyes tentatively.

“You actually said it to me!” Victor mused in a surprised voice, “My Yuuri said out loud that he loves me!”

Yuuri let out a nervous laugh as Victor’s eyes reflected intense joy and his lips sought Yuuri’s enthusiastically.

So, Yuuri thought, sinking into their deeper, more passionate kisses, this is how it begins. This gripping emotion that we call love…what happens when the feeling is so strong that it becomes physical.

“I love you too,” Victor said between kisses, cupping Yuuri’s flushed cheek, “We will go slowly.

Yuuri’s blush darkened.

He means, because I am inexperienced, he will hold back.

I’m glad.

I very much want to welcome Victor’s physical love. I know that my desire to have him coach me, and the slow training have seduced his heart. We didn’t take that last step to make our love physical, because he didn’t want to distract me while I was training and learning to express my love to him through my skating. He already has my heart, and I will gladly give Victor my body too.

I just…

“Come, Yuuri. Trust me.”

Victor’s arm curled around him, and Yuuri let himself be guided to the bathroom. They passed through the doorway and paused by the oversized tub that was filled with steaming water, and already bubbling. Victor’s hands slipped down to untie the belt of Yuuri’s soft robe, and he peeled it back to reveal the younger man’s lovely, muscular body.

“Beautiful,” Victor said appreciatively.

Victor’s body is far more attractive.

But he made his very slightly shaking hands take hold of the belt of Victor’s dressing robe. He pulled it free and folded the ends of the robe back, baring his partner’s tall, perfect form. Yuuri moved forward with painful slowness, pressing his own naked body to Victor’s and he kissed the taller man gently.

“Are you…?”

“I’m fine,” Yuuri said with more confidence, “just a little anxious now.”

Victor smiled and nodded, slipping a hand into his and guiding Yuuri, step by step into the bubbly water. He sank in, up to his shoulders, sitting down on the bench seat, beneath the water’s surface. Yuuri sat down next to him, then made a sound of deep relief as the water impacted against his sore muscles.

“Ah!” he sighed, closing his eyes and leaning against Victor’s shoulder.

Victor’s arms embraced Yuuri, and his hands slowly found each uncomfortable place and massaged away the pain.

“That’s right,” Victor’s voice rumbled in his ear, “You’re pretty sore after showing me your love on the ice, Yuuri. Don’t worry. We’ll take our time here, as well. You didn’t nail your program in a day, and physical love between us will grow slowly.”

“Victor!” Yuuri exclaimed, his eyes widening as they looked up into his handsome partner’s, “Victor, you don’t have to hold back. I’ll be…”

Victor’s damp fingers touched Yuuri’s parted lips, stopping him. Yuuri gave him a puzzled look.

“You don’t have to say anything, you know,” Victor chided him gently, “Just like when you skate to seduce me, your body will tell me when you are ready to receive this kind of love. Besides, just some touching can bring us relief, eh?”

The blush on Yuuri’s face and throat crept downward until he was flushed all over. He relaxed against Victor’s shoulder, watching as his partner’s hand slid down to explore him more intimately.

“Ah, Victor!” Yuuri exclaimed, burying his face in the elder man’s shoulder and breast.

“You can touch me too,” Victor purred in his ear.

I’ve never done this.

It’s like taking the ice for the very first time. I can barely keep my feet and I know I’m shivering and my hands are shaking. But, moving step by step, we’ll get past the awkwardness.

He felt Victor’s hand guiding his, then the little shudder that went through the elder man’s body at just the slightest touch.

Just this? Yuuri pondered, Just this little bit of touching brings you such pleasure, Victor? But, how long have you been patient and waited for me already.

Yuuri found his breaths shortening as Victor’s touches excited happy twinges through his abdomen and loins. He noted the motion of Victor’s caressing hand and matched it in the touches he gave his partner.

I should feel bad, making you wait for me, but…all I can feel right now…

Yuuri quivered at the rising tension inside him.

All I can feel is how your touch gives me a feeling too big and too beautiful to be held inside. It grows until I can’t hold it back.

Victor!

He couldn’t have stopped it if he had wanted to, but gave in easily to the heavy, gripping shudders of his first release. He would have felt embarrassed at the deep gasp he gave in surrender, but the sound Victor made, and the elder man’s delighted tremors distracted him from anything but watching closely how much pleasure Yuuri’s touches had given him. They sank down deeper into the water, kissing slowly as their heartbeats gradually slowed and the initial euphoria gave way to a sated, contented feeling.

“It feels good?” Victor sighed.

Yuuri’s blush returned instantly and he burrowed into Victor’s shoulder again.

“Mmhmm,” he mumbled, hiding his face as Victor’s fingers played in his tousled hair.

“For me too,” Victor confessed happily, smirking as he added, “Better than a pork cutlet bowl.”

Yuuri couldn’t hold back the little laugh that escaped him. The two relaxed in the bubbling water, letting the excitement of the long day seep out of them. They emerged from the water and dried off slowly, then tumbled into the bed, still bare, and their skin soft and warm from their bathing. Yuuri curled easily into Victor’s embrace and the two drifted off and slept peacefully until morning.

When I open up, he meets me where I am.

That is what I need.

That is love.

XXXXXXXXXX

Yuuri woke, hours later, to find that the sun was already up and he was alone in the bed he and Victor had shared. He shifted and spread out, stretching his still aching muscles.

His side of the bed is still warm. Victor slept later than usual.

He turned his head slightly and spotted a note on the nightstand. His hand found his glasses, and he placed them on his face, then picked up the note and read.

Go ahead and sleep as long as you like. We can get a pork cutlet bowl when I get back. Love, Victor

Yuuri let out another long, languid sigh, turning onto his back and placing his hands behind his head as he daydreamed.

All along, I worried that when our love became physical, I would be awkward. I may have been a little awkward, but Victor is so patient. It’s like he knows exactly what I need, and he gives me only what I can handle.

He lifted his hand to admire the gold ring on his finger.

It’s so funny. I didn’t at all mean for these rings to be a proposal. But, so easily, Victor accepted my gift and he read what my heart couldn’t yet tell him. Even though I was immature and needed time to come to it, I do want to marry Victor. I want to receive both emotional and physical love. I am getting there.

Yuuri breathed slowly, gazing up at the ceiling, but seeing again the rapturous repeat of the Grand Prix Finals and the noisy banquet after.

I was able to mingle with the other skaters this time. I feel closer to them now. We are all like a sort of extended family, this group of us who came so far and competed so fiercely to seek the podium. I felt no sting at all in taking silver. Yurio’s performance was breathtaking. I’ll have to work hard to beat him next season.

Yuuri said up and looked around, frowning at the restless feeling inside him.

I should get dressed. I’m hungry now. Victor will be back soon.

He slipped out from under the covers and walked, naked, across the room to his suitcase, where he picked out his comfortable sweatsuit and slowly dressed. Victor had still not arrived when he was done, so he checked his phone, but found no text.

“Hmm.”

I’ll take a little walk to stretch my legs. It’s good to move slowly after a big competition. I’ve worked my body really hard for months, training.

He took the stairs instead of the elevator, letting the kinks work out of his muscles and taking slow breaths. By the time he reached the ground floor, he felt energized, and he broke into a slow jog, heading out of the hotel and down the street.

I’d never been to Spain. It was fun, seeing the sights with Victor. I usually miss Japan, but it’s been so much fun being here. I’m supposed to move to Saint Petersburg after we go back for a visit with my family and a celebration. I wonder how everyone will react to the news that I am leaving. They love Victor…and they love me. It’ll be hard leaving them, I guess.

But, my home is really with Victor now.

Yuuri spotted a  small park, and headed in, using the jogging trail. He moved into a gentle run, admiring the pretty flowers and blue sky as he ran.

I feel pretty good for having just been through a competition. Maybe the euphoria still hasn’t really worn off.

He ran through the park and along the side of a creek that ran along the edge, continuing until he began to feel tired, and his stomach rumbled warningly. Turning back, he ran out of the park and dropped back into a walk, smiling as he passed people on the street and enjoying the pounding of his heart and the touch of chill in the air.

“Hey, Yuuri!” a friendly male voice called, distracting him out of his reverie.

“Phichit-kun!” Yuuri answered, jogging to meet his friend.

“Are you out here jogging so soon after the competition? I’m too tired and sore to do that yet,” Phichit said cheerfully.

“I’m waiting for Victor to come back,” Yuuri explained, “I was bored and just meant to go for a walk.”

“You’re still excited from winning a medal, aren’t you?”

Yuuri nodded.

“It was really exciting for both Victor and me,” he agreed.

“I heard Victor say he’s coming back for the next season.”

“He is,” Yuuri affirmed, “but he said that he would also still be coaching me.”

“Wow! That’s going to be a lot of work for him.”

“I know,” Yuuri said, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck, “I’m worried it might be too much. Victor is a talented skater, but he hasn’t worked on his own program all year, and since he gave his planned program to Yurio and me, he has to come up with something completely new.”

“That’s going to be a challenge,” Phichit said appreciatively.

Yuuri felt a little sinking feeling inside for a moment, but Phichit slapped him on the shoulder and smiled encouragingly.

“Victor is a genius,” he said confidently, “I’m sure it will be fine.”

“Yeah,” Yuuri said, flushing slightly, “I’m sure it will beb fine.”

“Well, I have to go and get my things ready to go,” Phichit said, taking Yuuri’s hand and shaking it firmly, “I hope I will see you and Victor again soon. Good luck in your training.”

“Good luck in your training too, Phichit-kun!” Yuuri said enthusiastically.

Yuuri watched as his friend disappeared into the distance, then he turned back towards his own hotel, walking slowly with his hands in his pockets.

I do wonder how things will go this season. Last season was Victor’s first, coaching. Getting me up to speed was not just mentally challenging for him, He also had to come onto the ice to show me how to do the moves. It won’t just be his own short and long program  he has to design. He’ll also be helping me with mine. But, I have learned a lot from him. I’m sure that I can help more this time around.

We’ll manage.

“Yuuri!” Victor’s voice called out to him from across the street.

Yuuri ran to the corner, pausing to wait for the light to change and the walk signal to switch on. He started across, smiling as he closed the distance to where Victor waited on the curb. He had almost reached the other side, when suddenly the smile left Victor’s face, and it was inexplicably overwritten with fear.

What…?

Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a fast moving car heading toward him, going so quickly that he couldn’t get out of the way. To his horror, Victor launched himself into the path of the car, his frightened eyes locking on Yuuri’s.

Victor!

The car slammed on its brakes, the tires screeching and smoking as Victor’s body crashed into Yuuri’s, throwing both men violently to the ground. Yuuri curled his body instinctively, protecting his head as he struck the asphalt and felt stars explode behind his eyes. The last thing he heard was a heavy impact and Victor’s gasp of pain.

Victor!

Are you…?