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Part 1

Sitting In my drivers room in anticipation of today's race I hear my phone quietly vibrating on my desk and see it's my manager as I answer to phone and put it to my ear I'm expecting it to be one of his pep talks or him informing me about some conference, but instead he tells me to come to his office for an ‘emergency meeting’.

As I approach the door of my manager who had spontaneously called me to have an ‘emergency meeting’ the nerves begin setting in. It was quite unusual for him to arrange meetings especially at the end of the season. And as I am one race away from being the Formula 2 world Champion I'm confused as to what the emergency could be.

Knocking firmly on the door and waiting a few seconds, I am greeted by Michael, my manager who opens the door and motions for me to enter. I see a man sitting at the table. His face is quite distinguishable and one I recognise vaguely. I take a seat as my manager tells me to and I can feel my facial expressions changing as every second goes by.

“Sorry to call you out of the blue”, Michael says. “It's all good, what's going on?” I inquire. There is a period of brief silence whilst Michael and this mysterious man just stare at each other as if they are trying to get each other to start the conversation. After a few seconds Micahel begins to speak.

“Y/N this is Alessandro Alunni Bravi he is the Team Principal for Stake F1 Team Kick Sauber and he wants to chat with you”

There is an uncomfortable stifling atmosphere in the small room, so I turn my head to Alessandro to indicate to him to start talking.

“Good Morning Y/N, obviously you know who I am now so I will get straight to the point, next season Valtteri is not going to be with us anymore as he is moving over to Haas to replace Magnussen and help them, and that leaves us without a driver and we have been amazed at your performance in F2 and your stint as a performance test driver for Williams was amazing so I'm here to propose you join the Suaber family next year”

I'm totally perplexed by this overwhelming revelation that is unfolding right in front of my very eyes. I have heard things about Stake, Sauber, Alfa Romeo whatever you want to call it and not much of it has been very positive.

“Not to sound ungrateful aren't you guys P9 in the constructors Championship?” I ask.

Alessandro sighs. I can tell he's under a plethora of stress and an overwhelming amount of pressure to find a new driver.

“Yes this season we will finish P9 but I believe if any driver can help us it's you, we will invest in your career and do everything to meet your expectations and if we don't you will have my word that I will resign”.

I look into his eyes, they tell me everything, they tell me he's at his breaking point.

I lean back and ponder momentarily, and think of some questions to ask.

“How long will my contract be and how much do I get per point?” I ask, this being my most major question.

He leans forwards flipping through his notebook that is evidently old but more than likely contains some of the most salient information for the team.

“Initial contract is 2 years and you will get 500k per point scored”.

Hearing him finish that sentence automatically sends my adolescent brain going “yes, yes” the thought of all that money is one hell of an incentive.

“Who will my teammate be?” This is my last question as the last answer threw me off completely.

“Zhou Guyanu, he's quite experienced and he is performing better each season”

I look between Alessandro and Michael, knowing that after I win the F2 Championship I have no place here and I know there are no other seats opening up so I have no choice but at the same time I do. I was on the Williams Racing driver development program. I could still have a chance at getting a seat there, but it's not a definitive answer.

“I'll do it” I blurt out.

Despite the fact Alessandro was praying for me to say “yes” I can tell he is still shocked that I'm actually going for it.

“Excellent” he says. He then pulls out a folder full of paper and he informs me that I have to sign some contracts, and advises I take some time to read over them, but I've never been one for contract reading.

Signing the final piece of paper he asks me when they should do the media release and in true irrational Y/N fashion I say “no time better than the present” he eagerly nods and makes a phone call and then instructs me to write a social media post confirming it as well.

Despite being young I've never placed much value upon social media nor am I part of the trend of having a screen time over 5 hours.

My tweet is quite simple: “Hi Everyone, I would like to confirm that next year I will be racing for @StakeF1Team in Formula 1”.

Pressing send, makes a certain fact hit me, I'm leaving F2 and going to F1. F2 has been my home for the past year and just as I was getting comfortable I'm leaving.

But I don't have time to dwell looking at the clock. I quickly excuse myself and get ready for my final race in F2.

I know I should be nervous as I sit on Pole Position waiting for the lights to go out but I know that even if I DNF I will still win the Championship.

Crossing the line for the final time in F2 I feel euphoric yet overwhelmingly sad. My race engineer comes on the radio “Y/N L/N you are the Formula 2 Champion, we will be sad to see you go and wish you the best.”

Trying not to cry I pull myself together and push the radio button: “ Guys, this past year has flown by. It's been an incredible journey. I want to thank all of you at PREMA for your hard work and dedication. It truly has been a whirlwind of a journey. Grazie ragazzi, vi amo”

(Translation- thank you guys, I love you)

I start to cry at the end and turn my radio off and for the final time pull into the Number 1 spot. I hop out of my car over the halo and raise my arms and run over to my team and jump on them. I see my team mate Ollie who came P3 and we embrace in our final hug as teammates and he whispers “good luck” into my helmet. I thank him and walk off to the cool down room to take off my helmet and collect some water before going outside and facing the press.

Reporter: Y/N how does it feel to be a Formula 2 World Champion?

Y/N: It feels pretty surreal right now, you know it's a great feeling but I know it's the end of an era and I'm sad but excited for what’s next.

Reporter: So obviously it was announced before today's race you are joining the F1 team Sauber. How are you feeling about that and the challenges you will face joining a team at the bottom of F1?

Y/N: I spoke to Alessandro. We have work to do, we will test, we will improve and by the end of the next F1 season Sauber will not be at the Bottom of the constructors.

Reporter: So have you cut ties with Williams Racing and the Mercedes family?

Y/N: Absolutely not, I'm exploring other avenues of F1 and motorsport.

Concluding the interview I quickly head over to the podium staircase before heading up, the cheers of the eager crowd sends a shock wave through my body and I question how can so many people be cheering for me.

As the national anthem of my country plays for the final time in F2 I feel like it's going to be a long time before I stand on the podium with my national anthem playing again.

Heading back to my driver's room covered in non-alcoholic champagne I bump into Ollie again, “can I talk to you?” as we enter my room his tone makes me feel on edge it's not his usual jovial tone.

He stands in front of me for a while. I'm confused as to what is going on but I give him a second to say whatever he wants and I don't want to pressure him but the more I wait the more I can feel the champagne drying on my skin.

Then he breaks the silence “If you need to talk to someone when you're in F1 I will still be here for you, don't feel the need to come out to anyone yet, if you feel down please talk to me”.

I smile at his cute concern for me, for context Ollie is the first and only person I told that I'm gay. It took courage and whilst I have known it for ages I don't think racing in particular F2 and F1 is ready for a gay driver but more importantly I don't think I'm ready to be openly gay.

He gives me a final parting hug and I'm left to clean up in preparation for tonight's celebration.

The winter break is normally welcomed with open arms however this year it's different. I feel more pressure than ever to train and test. I've spent a multitude of days in the simulator practising as much as I can and whilst all has gone well, I still feel like we as a team are under prepared and it's going to take a lot of practice to move from the bottom of the constructors.

I have been non-stop testing and making adjustments. I haven't really had much of a break and that's because I'm determined no to finish last in the constructors or championship standings in my first year or any year.

My only disappointment is my luminous green race suit which really isn't my colour and doesn't suit me but that's me being picky and it's not actually impactful on my performance which is all I care about.

Me and Zhou have met a few times over the winter break for testing but we haven't really had much chance to get to know each other that well in such a short amount of time but I don't doubt we will get on really well as the season starts.

Stepping foot into the paddock with the tumultuous scene of photographers and journalists with their flashing cameras for the first day of the Formula 1 season, and whilst it's only qualifying day I feel an immense pressure.

Free practice has gone well, not great but not bad so that's something I guess.

Making my way to the garage feels weird, I don't know anyone as they all walk past me. Passively walking towards my garage looking down at my phone and emails I bump into someone and whilst I don't fall the collision does send a shockwave jolting through my body.

As I turn around I'm greeted by a face I very distinctly recognise not from personal interaction but from social media and how could anyone not recognise the world Champion Max Verstappen.

“I'm so sorry” I blurt out hastily feeling incredibly embraced “it's fine honestly” the Dutch man replies as he taps my shoulder and walks off. I can't lie, in that moment I felt a certain element of attraction to him, but he's straight so I won't even attempt to advance any further with my premature irrational feelings.

Making it to my garage I brush off the incident with Max I greet the team and quickly get changed into my fluorescent green race suit and head out to the car for some free practice which all goes as well as it could.

It's the first qualifying session and it's in Bahrain so as I'm waiting to go out for Q1 I am quite literally shitting myself, sure I've done plenty of qualifying laps before but none have been under these circumstances.

To my genuine surprise I make it to Q2 and by some miracle and poor engineering choices by Alpine I make it Q3 and finish in P5 which is a lot lower than what I'm used to but a good result for the team and Zhou comes P11 which puts us in a good starting position tomorrow yet I can't help but think it still might not be enough and that we are one of the teams with the biggest disadvantage.

Hopping out of the car I enter the garage and am greeted by the team who are eagerly congratulating me for such a good result, its strange though never have I gotten such a euphoric feeling for a P5 in Qualifying. My engineer at PREMA would've given me a lecture if I had gotten a P5 in quali. I quickly wipe the sweat off my forehead and prepare for interviews Zhou comes in and I congratulate him for his wonderful result and we assure eachother that tomorrow we will do amazing.

My media manager tugs me by the arm and guides me to a reporter and still out of breath I greet her, “good evening”.

Reporter: Y/N great qualifying result today P5 for yourself and P11 for Zhou which puts you in a strong position for tomorrow, where has this amazing performance come from?

YN: Well, it's come from a winter break full of hard work, testing, checking and adjusting. I think the team has really put in the effort this year that allows us to provide a bigger challenge than previous years. Me and Zhou have been working together to understand different strategies and performance settings so it's all helped.

Reporter: How has it been for you settling into F1?

Y/N: ermm… I won't lie, it's been tough not just physically but mentally also. I have enjoyed the bigger challenge and making it to the pinnacle of racing but that's not to say I don't feel out of place and like I don't really have any friends here, but I know I have to give it time for things to work out and develop.

Reporter: Finally Y/N going onwards to the Bahrain Grand Prix tomorrow Sauber are in one of the best positions they have ever been in. What will be the key to success for the race?

Y/N: Good strategies, good tyre management, clinical and safe driving and we shall do good tomorrow.

Reporter: Thank you Y/N

I walk off into my driver's room to have a shower and get changed I sit on my chair and for some reason no matter how hard I try I can't make myself feel happy or even trick myself into thinking I'm happy. I feel like such a loner, I have no friends in F1, I know I have Zhou but we've only really just met and I just need to hug someone I know.

Emerging out of my driver's room into the temprate night air of Bahrain I find myself aimlessly wandering back to the hotel through the back streets, taking the longest route possible along the gently flowing river. I come across a bench and sit down pulling my phone out and scroll down to Ollie’s contact which is very creatively named “🐻 man”, I allow my finger to hover over his contact but I feel I would only be a nuisance to him so I simply shove my phone back into pocket and sigh.

Looking out to the river I feel a tear running down my cheek and then I hear a familiar Dutch voice behind me. “Mind if I take a seat” I turn to see Max standing there and I nod in acknowledgement. As he sits down he asks me “How come you are out here by yourself?” ignoring the irony of him asking me that as he himself is out here alone I vaguely reply “just getting some air”.

“You know I saw your interview earlier and how you said you have friends in F1, but you do, F1 isn't just a sport it's a family and you are part of that” I turn to face him “Thanks Max, I'm going to head to the hotel and go to bed”.

We walk back to the hotel together and we talk, laugh and share stories and that brief period of time only deepens my affection for this man who I know won't reciprocate the same feelings I have back.

Arriving back at the hotel we part ways and I thank him gratefully and head to bed for the Grand Prix.

I wake up to the early morning sun peaking through the window and I rise from my slumber and jump in the shower and for a brief moment as the cool water hits my skin I feel at peace and happy, like nothing in the world matters but I'm quickly snapped out of fantasy at the realisation that today's my first F1 Grand Prix.

After getting dressed I splash my face with cold water in an attempt to achieve some unknown motive. After I realise I'm just wasting time I head down stairs and head out to the track.

Entering I'm greeted by everyone and I don't know if I'm just being paranoid but there is an air of fakeness to it all like everyone is trying to be nice.

The day is spent going through strategies, rules and regulations and other miscellaneous stuff. And before I know it I'm being asked to put on my race suit in preparation for the race start.

Everything starts to become a blur and I don't really take on what anyone is telling me. I hear my phone buzz and immediately check it and see I have a message from Ollie. “Good Luck I will be watching you do your best that's all we can ask” I look down smiling with some sense of true happiness. My engineer must have noticed this as he says “finally a smile” this leads me to let out a light chuckle as I put on my helmet.

I hop to sit in my car and I turn to my left and see Piastri in P6 and I can't lie I feel a little nervous but I try my hardest to not focus on it. After the formation lap I sit there waiting for the grid to form up and it feels like an eternity. “Y/N that's the grid fully formed up 30 seconds to lights out” seeing 3 lights appear I shift into first year and intently stare at the lights whilst holding the clutch and the millisecond the lights extinguish I slam my foot against the accelerator to give myself the best chance of having any sort of gap between Piastri.

Somehow by lap 32 I had ended up in P4 due to very shoddy strategies by Ferrari and a collision that took away the threat of Lando and Sergio. I don't really remember much from the previous laps apart from the fact that I could've been sick every time I saw a car in my rear view and after a pit stop that left me P10 I felt like giving up there and then, but the world had graced me with a safety car.

Approaching the final lap I feel proud of myself but I wanted a podium, unrealistically.

“Y/N Hamilton has a brake issue, clear to overtake at the next opportunity”, whilst I have always had the utmost respect for Hamilton hearing him having a mechanical issue was the best thing that has quite possibly ever happened to me.

In the last DRS zone I manage to get past him as he is apprehensive to go any faster to avoid going into the barrier. Approaching the line I know he doesn't pose much threat to me and I cross the line in P3 and it is the best feeling I think I have ever experienced. It feels better than winning the F2 and F3 championship.

“Y/N THAT'S P3 WELL DONE, WELL DONE WE COULDN'T HAVE ASKED FOR ANYTHING BETTER”

I laugh at the pure infantile excitement of my engineer “it's not quite the race win but it's a great start, what position is Zhou?”

“Zhou is P6 great result from both of you we are currently P3 in constructors with 23 points, Mercedes P2, Red Bull P1”

Hearing that is the best thing ever, knowing our hard work has paid off for now and that we are on the right track to success but I don't want to celebrate prematurely as I know we still have plenty of races ahead of us and each one will pose a threat to our progress.

I comed into Parc Fermé after the cool down lap, I can tell it's unusual for the team to be here celebrating as I embrace them all in a hug and head for the cool down room where I place my helmet down and gulp water down. Then George and Max enter and give each other the ‘bro hug’ whilst I awkwardly stand in the corner gulping my water down.

Max approaches me and I feel my heart begin to pace so fast that my car would be envious of its pace. He hugs me but not in the ‘bro hug’ style he had done so previously but in a more affectionate and meaningful way.

“Great race today”, “thanks, you too” I just as I was about to ask him another question his media manager pulls him away for his post race interview and soon mine does the same too.

Reporter: Y/N Great race today, excellent pace, and management but what sealed the deal for a P3 and P6 for the team today?

Y/N: Well we have worked hard on our strategy which some teams struggle with and we have made use of previous mistakes to make sure we can improve and not make them again.

Reporter: So going forward to the Abu Dhabi Grand prix in 2 weeks how will you use today's race to get an even better result then?

Y/N: Obviously we will use our data and telemetry to see how the car is handling the race and strategies, we will also find ways to find better pace and ensure we maximise the track and cars full potential, but it's important we don't run before we can walk and focus on small advances rather than huge one's that could ultimately have a major impact if they don't work.

Reporter: And Y/N do you think your performance is good enough to capture the high performance teams in particular Ferrari?

Y/N: I'm not really focused on attracting the attention of other teams at least for the next 2 years I feel secure in my current seat and you of course there will probably be a time where I want to move in from Sauber but I don't think that's any time soon and I just want to please and make the team proud and happy. And we've got a lot of work to do so my focus is solely on Sauber.

Reporter: Thank you Y/N have a good evening and go celebrate, very well done.

I approach the steps to the podium I hear my cue to go up and I see the huge crowd of people cheering for me and it sends an immense wave of pride and gratification through my body. Being sprayed with champagne is something I thought I would forget the feeling of but apparently not.

Max aims his bottle at me and blasts the champagne in my face and I just stand there and take in the moment and laugh at him as I pour the bottle down his suit.

We make our way down from the podium, Zhou approaches me and extends an invitation to a celebratory party tonight which I accept. I swiftly get changed out of my sweat and champagne soaked race clothes and jump into the shower.

I emerge from my driver's room, free from champagne and sweat and in more comfortable clothes I walk to the club nearby where I had been told the party was happening. I'm one of the first ones to arrive and I see Max and Charles waving me over.

Approaching them I feel my heart racing as I look at Max, there's something about him the way he acts that makes me feel so in love with him. Even though I only met him 2 days ago I am head over heels in love with him and I know he won't feel the same way so the sooner I get over it the better.

“Hey” I say as I approach them, “Hey” both of them reply, “Can I get you a drink?” Max asks, “Just a pepsi” I respond. He gives me a weird look “no alcohol?”, “I'm not much of a drinker”.

As he leaves the table it leaves me and Charles to make conversation with each other “Great result today” he says “thanks you too, P5 was great considering the strategy mix up” he laughs and says “I remember my time with the team not even I could get that car to P3 so really well done” I feel my face blush as I have never known how to accept compliments.

“So do you have a girlfriend?” He asks, it's quite an out of the blue question to question to ask someone when it's your first conversation with them but I simply reply “no” I feel like I'm lying to him by not telling him I'm not straight but I've only just met him it took me nearly 2 years to trust Ollie enough to tell him.

As Max returns a lot more drivers pile in coming from the paddock. Seeing all of them trying to squeeze onto one side, I move up to make space for them and Max invites me to sit next to him as he can see how squashed I am in the corner and I move to do so.

The evening is spent around the table watching people get flat out drunk and somehow I got roped into doing shots.

We end up playing Truth or Dare which has led to Lando doing a handstand on the table, Charles and Carlos performing a dance routine for the whole club and Yuki singing Adele for everyone and then it's my turn.

I choose truth and it's down to Daniel to choose my question “Are you still a virgin?” I answer truthfully “no” and then at the next turn Lando ask’s “Who did you lose your virginity to?” I make up a lie and say “just some random person I met” knowing full well it was my teammate when I was in F3.

By 2 AM I decide to call it a night. I'm not completely drunk, but certainly tipsy and don't really know what's going on around me so I decide it's best if I just go to the hotel and sleep to ease the hangover I'm definitely going to have the next morning.

After informing all the other drivers I'm calling it a night, they all decide to do the same. We all head back to the hotel. Once we arrive, Max and I take the stairs as we are the only ones on the first floor and there is no point in cramming into the small elevator just to go up one floor.

Everything is spinning and by the time we get up the stairs, I had already tripped up and fell which has led Max to be taken over by uncontrollable laughter and me holding onto his arm.

What should've taken us 2 minutes takes us 10 and we eventually reach my room as it's the first one, as we say goodnight. I don't feel in control of my own body and lean and kiss Max and to my surprise he does the same passionately kissing me against my hotel room door before breaking it up and saying good night.

As I enter my room I flop onto my bed and whisper to myself “off to a flying start”.

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