#Also sensations cant describe those well

[calowlmitygoddess]

I want to write better smut but also im very blunt when writting and is very hard to not simply go, 'and then they fucked'

[secondchoice-ragdoll]

Do you think Trixie ever had feelings for Katya?

hiyaaaaaay now thats definitely a question😭 disclaimer: this is veeeery wishy-washy and fanfiction-y, based on barely anything else but *vibes* and my observations. this is strictly my perspective, and may not at all overlap w anyone's involved. none of this should be treated as actual information (just like anything else i say, pretty much).

so the quick answer is: yes. (but "feelings" is very broad)

in depth: i am 99,9% sure the answer is yes. at some point(/s), to some degree, some kinds of feelings, definitely yes. in the beginning it (whatever it was) seemed to pair with a sort of admiartion, which im sure they still have, but back then K could have been more like a far away, untouchable, sensational concept, now K is closer and she knows her well and loves and trusts her (and she is her god. never forget that😭😭😭). like rn she for sure loves K very very dearly and very very much. do you know abt that kind of love when u r not exactly sure what box to put it into, but all that matters is that its there and its a big feeling. and maybe u would be open to it being sexual/romantic too, but u might as well be fine w nothing of the sort ever happening, u just want to keep each other close. well they seem to fall under this bracket from where i stand.

obvi we know K has vocalised her opinion on the matter back in the days pretty clearly. and i'd argue that she has kept doing so up until very recently. and i'd also argue that so did T. like, the jig has been up for a decade, i think atp its their subconscious speaking sometimes, and they might not even be fully aware of how they r coming off (for example: the way they kept describing each other when asked abt their ideal partners. like, im sure they do not spend their days actively pining for each other. but like. u see it, i see it, we all see it?). im not saying they'd be perfect together w no issues and no rough times, bc thats just not realistic at all, but i know for a fact that they do love each other so very much im not even sure what a person can do w that intensitiy. (do they love each other the most? like, im not joking here, do u remember the times they have both said things like "u r my fav person" or "i definitely love u very much" or T pressing K on who she loves the most until she said her name? like??? if things have happened in the last months then i think ppl might have fallen out of Ts line who had a chance at being higher on the list (for a few possible reasons. such as being a romantic partner and how u r "supposed to" place those ones higher. but i get that. i just also have a lot of feeling abt this, surprisingly) then they *do* do love each other the most, dont they? so its all veeery complicated w them😭

the thing i am not certain abt is if T ever called it what it was, even only to herself. bc. like she doesnt seem to be a very big fan of said possibility of said feelings towards said person regardless of whether or not its true. like yes she will float the idea as a """joke""" of K being her partner at netflick in the middle of watching something totally irrelevant. but as a sentimental deep and actual reality im decently sure she does not like it. at different times of the last decade for different reasons (understandable ones, if i might add. the worst of it is that i can easily justify everything from both ends and thats why its just so UGH bc i get it. but i still think they r silly for doing things the way they do them). i think she knows on a level of being aware of what time it is, but the most in-character thing in my head would be for her to just go "no💗 like okay i see u i hear u i cant do anything but accept the fact that there is smth but just no. we got to stop, we cant be doing this. so i will not be acknowledging anything of the sort. bye". like ik it sounds stupid spelled out like this, but what i mean is that i feel like she worked on putting these things neatly away (before they even really had a chance to form into a graspable thought), and despite the box being made of glass and a little seetrought here and there, she seems to be content abt it being as it is.

and for how things are since her break? not a single fucking clue. i couldnt even tell u if i got paid to do so. i have a few ideas, all of them being based on even more nothing of a nothing than any of my other ideas. but i am seated for whenever we will be hearing abt how things went, or just seeing how things r when she is back. hope she is doing amazing wherever she is!!

[sunriseovergotham]

INTRODUCING NEW GUYS!!!!

jordan daniels (he/him)

he was a journalist who was snooping around in the compounds business and so they plucked him from his time and tortured him a little bit. he was later consolidated with a mikey for... IDK shits and giggles. their consolidation name is um. well. the thing is. its basically a combination of mikey and jordans name so mikordan or jomirdan or mijorkey or any other horrible name. hes nosy and curious and not at all prepared to deal with any of the situations he is in

"jordan daniels" (he/him)

THE FLINCHIATE REPLACEMENT!!! he was made to basically destroy all the evidence he gathered and research he conducted and say "ohhh nooo theres nothing going on here at ALL!!! compound what compound"

eike (he/him)

mike walters but evil. NO um basicallyyyy. flinchiate iteration. he was manipulated into utterly DESPISING base, like with borderline murderous intent. he has Very complicated feelings about edgar and would probably crumble to pieces if edgar so much as looked at him. hes bitter and unstable and hurdling to his own death at a frightening pace. he was never meant to last. there is no version of him that will survive the compound. i dont think he even cares about the fact that he will inevitably die there. hes so doomed by the narrative and mikordan is trying SO hard to save him. alas, you cant exactly save a mike walters from the narrative

mikordan (he/him)

he doesnt despise base in the same way that eike does, partially because of how disconnected jordan is from the whole... everything. he and eike are codependent... somethings. i dont think theres a word that can describe their relationship. something about surviving horrible circumstances with each other. he... vaguely remembers stuff mikey remembers? its very foggy and unclear, sometimes sounds or sensations or smells will remind him of something, but he cant always hold onto those memories- like trying to remember a dream, feeling it slipping out of your hands the more you try to grasp it. he can also usually remember things when hes reminded of them.

eike kind of takes a protective role over him? technically they both help each other out but eike does so a lot more often and like a feral untrained dog. sometimes he asks eike about base. eike is really cagey about base and hates talking about them unless its negatively. mikordan can sometimes pry stories out of him. eike reminds me a lot of mike rather then mikey? but like. a really unstable mike. like incredibly unstable and horrible and tired and god please let this man rest for like one fucking second jesus

[letpol]

Untitled...

It is weird how things can change in a moment.

For some reason i haven't found an answer for a simple question, what do I want to do?

It has been more than a month, this question comes through my mind several times a day and for some reason i feel fine with no answer. At least a concrete answer.

As there are goals i have but i'm currently just trying to live my best life and try to enjoy it.

Having suicide roam your mind every single second of your life is hard, harder than people think it is. Seeing a grey world is fucking depressing.

Seeing how life loses colour, that's the toughest part. Having all those vibrant colours around and not being able to notice them, it hurts.

As someone who already experienced what's on the other side let me tell you that it is worse. A big empty black nothingness, that's the other side.

Walking aimlessly and endlessly with your own thoughts. Knowing well enough that your mind is your own worst enemy.

Loneliness is hard, for both mind and body. End up losing interest in every little and small thing you used to enjoy.

Depression ends up killing you inside bit by bit, in chunks so small that you don't notice it. People around you will start noticing it, they will tell you and the same depression will silence their warnings.

Having to constantly play music within my thoughts to hear some background noise instead of my own thoughts, or the silence within my own head, which is scarier. The silence within your thoughts is hard to describe. At least the feeling of it. As someone with always something making noise when the silence arrives it is hard.

Feels like a void, like i've been disconnected from this world. Like i no longer belong here. Weirdly as it brings some discomfort it also brings a deep sensation of peace. Like the world finally did shut up.

Losing my safe place was the trigger that made me start to work on myself. Sounds weird but it is true.

The moment i lost what i loved the most was the moment that triggered a change in my life.

As it was the moment i knew that i had lost myself. Lost sight of who i was and what i was set to do.

Would love to see that i have found my path back, unfortunately i haven't.

I know, somehow, that i'm currently working on finding my correct path, has been hard. But knowing that i'm on my way is what has taken me this far.

Doing things that I have never done before has helped too.

Going step by step is the way, sometimes depression will bring you back, but all you have to do is keep moving in a direction, doesnt matter which one as long as it itsn't going back to where you have been.

Reached the point where human life became meaningless and more of like a game, thats the point on which i decided it was enough. As I didnt want to end up becoming a psychopath, as seeing people die in front of me became meaningless and sometimes even fun.

Thats the point that i realized that i was going on a dark path. When human life became meaningless at all for me. Seeing people die even became a hobby and got to enjoy it. Human stupidity at its finest so i thought those lives were just a waste of resources.

It came to a point where i was just deceiving myself and everyone around me as i had become a soulless man with no ambitions at all. Lying to myself every second telling myself that everything was gonna be fine while knowing i was a complete mess inside, slowly killing myself.

Might write a little bit more another day or just might droop it here. Im just leaving my mind run wild a little bit.

Meditation is key to getting better, at least in my case.

The only reason you cant change is because you're dead. If you want to make a change just do it, dont wait for when it is too late and you will regret it. Already lost what i loved the most, but thats the reason i decided to change. To get back what it's mine and work toward that path of personal happiness.

Who knows if i'll get there, if i do, i just hope that the journey will...

[sadwizardvibes]

Yesterday was simply just me at work listening to the same kaleo album on repeat thinking abt win in a band and formulating a plot around the idea of win meeting kuea and (mar)win in london and going ‘fuck this hotel shit im starting a band’

[thesunicarusfellfor]

Mortal of Gold - Part 3

(Yandere!C!Techno x GN!Shy!Reader x Yandere!C!Philza)

Anyone want my list of the characters as gods? There were a few characters that I couldn't think of like Ponk, so I just left them out. ANYWAY. Hi, how's it going? ALSO I CANT EDIT THIS DAMN POST AND THE SPELLING ERRORS ARE SO IRRITATING

Part 1 Part 2 TW: Mention of amnesia, memories being altered Send me a message via inbox if you wanna be added to a general or series tag list. Make sure to turn off anon, please. ------- “They weren’t born… A mortal?”

A light wind brushed over your features, causing you to give a small sigh and roll over onto your side in an attempt to block the light from hitting your lidded eyes. It was nice and quiet for once… “(Y/n)?” A distorted voice echoed softly, causing you to flinch a bit. You opened your eyes slightly to see a silky blackbird sitting on the sheets beside you, a few golden trinkets laying beside it. Upon seeing your eyes slide open, the creature hopped up onto its legs and began making soft cooing noises, “(Y/n)! (Y/n), you’re awake!” Glancing around at the surroundings you had been placed in, racking your mind for any sort of familiarity but failing to come up with anything at all, even who you were. You sat up, slowly brushing your fingers along your ombre silk clothing before putting your hands on the sheets below your body, frowning as you didn’t recognize the bed as yours. “Hello…” You murmured softly, reaching your hand out to the crow who eagerly jumped forward to nuzzle your hand. The feathers of the bird felt… Odd. They felt more like grabbing at misty fog, but with a light staticky cotton texture that caused a buzzing sensation on your fingertips, “I’m sorry, my memory… Seems to be a tad faulty… Could you tell me your name?” “I’m Chat, Dadza- er… Philza’s familiar! I was a gift from Mumza, oops... Kristen, the Goddess of Void and Death.” It chirped, its voice having multiple layers in your head, causing you to shake your head a slight bit, “No, they’re not married, only parental figures to the souls that pass on to the afterlife or those they saved sometime before they passed on… I believe they have more of a co-worker relationship.” You nodded slightly, pursing your lips at how the creature’s voice sounded in your mind. It was unsettling and caused shivers to crawl up and down your back, but at the same time, it was incredibly calming and had a soothing aura. How that worked, you had no clue whatsoever. Brushing off the unsettling voice of the bird, you decided to focus on the name that caused a light to go off in your head, “Alright… Philza… I think I remember that name…” “Yeah! Dadza- Eck… Sorry. Phil, he’s the God of Survival and Crows! He controls not only every crow in the mortal land, but he also controls whether or not someone will survive a situation. If there is no way that the mortal can survive, he will send a crow down and have them guide the soul of the mortal to him! Then he escorts them to Kristen! He has gained the name Angel of Death because he works for Mumza!” You decided not to question why the crow called Philza and Kristen Mumza and Dadza, knowing that you’d probably find out later, but by the sound of it Chat seemed to be multiple children, “Okay… Makes sense…” You mumbled slowly, nodding your head up and down. With a sigh you slowly brought your legs over to the side of the bed, only now becoming aware of how large the soft mattress was. Lowlands! (Hell) You could probably fit six people who were ten feet tall in it with room to roam! Pushing yourself off the bed, you also realized how high the beautiful bed was off the floor, Gods, whoever lived here was tall! Behind you, you heard a small chirp, and you saw Chat watching you curiously. With a small shrug, you decided to pick the familiar up and hold it in your cupped hands as you walked out the door, “Oooh! Dadza never carries us like this, and Technoblade does only when he’s about to yeet us out a window!” “Yeet?” You scowled in confusion as you walked through the arched doorway, your bare feet padding silently on the quartz flooring, “I'm scared to ask. Technoblade? Is he also a god of some things? He sounds familiar as well…” “That’s its word for throwing something. Well, it yells the word when they throw something or get thrown, so I assume it’s yelling in excitement,” A deep voice spoke from in front of you, causing you to gasp and lift your head from the crow. The telepathic chirping and squeaks from Chat in your mind quickly formed the name Technoblade, so… You had a feeling that your answer was on its way past his

lips, “I’m Technoblade, or Techno, the God of Blood and War. It’s… nice to see you finally awake…” He shifted awkwardly on his feet as you curiously studied him. His appearance could certainly be described as godly if anyone asked you. His long pink hair was mostly twisted and tied into a braid with bits of golden chain and a polished golden crown adorned with rubies, garnets and diamonds. Upon his pale skin, dozens of scars of varying sizes decorated his skin in different areas, but they were displayed in an almost proud manner. Almost. When he spoke, his dark pink eyes hidden behind cracked glasses searched your form for any sort of injury, “I’m… (Y/n)... I think. I don’t know if this bird is exactly trustworthy in its information… Do you know where I am?” Techno snorted as Chat gave an offended squawk at your statement, “That’s very fair, to be honest. You’re in the Tundra of the Upperlands, and this is my palace. No there is no snow, I believe the person who named this place has never looked into the name or word Tundra, but it’s been like this for too long to change it-” He paused for a moment as he noticed you looking extremely confused, “Ah. Right. Desert. Don’t worry about it.” “Oh… Okay…” You frowned at the tusked male for a moment before shaking your head, deciding not to question it much, “Now, uh… How did I get here, and why don’t I remember anything about myself? Or, about you and this Philza guy, I was told about.” You lifted Chat slightly toward Techno as a silent indication that Chat was the one who told you about Phil. “That’s uh… Phil’s field of expertise.” He rubbed the back of his head with his black-tipped fingers before adjusting his crown, “I don’t understand much of what happened, and Phil will tell you what you need to know that will keep you safe.” Hesitantly, he held his free hand out towards you making you realize that he was easily over seven and a half feet tall, “C’mon, I’ll take you to him and get you the answers you need.” His hand was extremely steady, you noticed as you stared down at it cautiously. Once you noticed that he didn’t seem to want to do you harm, you slowly shifted Chat into one hand and used your free hand to take the one extended to you, which you couldn’t help but notice, made Technoblade very happy, “Okay. Thank you.” The god held your hand in his calloused one for a few moments before beginning to lead you down the tan and white hallways that were turned a light golden hue from the rising sun. It was quite a long walk filled with a slightly uncomfortable silence, but you distracted yourself by looking around the palace curiously. It was obvious he was the God of War by how many swords hanging on walls and sets of armour he had placed on armour stands in the hallways. Eventually, he walked you through an archway that led into a wide-open room with multiple windows that had many crows perched on the windowsills, some chirping and singing some little tune in perfect unison while others shuffled around, seeming to do a little dance. You were quick to realize the whistling of one of the birds didn’t match up and noticed that it was coming from the man with the large white and green striped hat as well as massive black feathered wings dangling on his back, fluffing themselves up every so often. When you and Techno stepped in, the blackbirds started chirping loudly, losing the rhythm of the tune the winged man was whistling as Chat started telepathically squealing about… 2/4? Two out of four what? “Ah!” The hat-wearing male turned around and clasped his hands together upon seeing you standing up, “(Y/n), you’re awake. I was worried the injuries you sustained were enough to keep you out cold for a few more weeks. I’m glad to see I was wrong. I’m Philza, God of Survival and Crows, and I see you’ve met Chat and Techno. Pesky bird, I told it not to wake you...” You pursed your lips for a moment, analyzing the shorter god as the bird squealed out its protests. While he was shorter than Techno, he was certainly tall, standing roughly around six feet tall, his wingspan

probably double that for each wing! His blonde hair was long around his face but was pulled into a loose braid like Techno’s was, although instead of gold intertwined into his hair, it was silver. His outfit was made up of a loose green shirt and black pants, with a red heart-shaped pendant dangling off of a chain into the center of his chest. Why did that pendant… Look familiar? You slowly rose your hand up and clasped at the pendant around your neck, noticing how Philza smiled softly, “Technoblade… Said you could tell me why I can’t remember anything?” “You’re still wearing my gift, I see,” Philza gave a soft hum as Chat jumped from your hand and onto his shoulder, before gesturing for you and Techno to take a seat where he already had drinks and some form of cakes set out, but they certainly weren’t there when you came in. Upon seeing your confused blinking, he gave a soft laugh, “I’m a god, mate, magic is no difficult task for me, let alone creating some measly tea and desserts. Now, sit down and I will tell you everything…” - General - None Mortal of Gold -@generalalmond @binas-idea-vault @ohworm-writes

[d33rbutch]

Let’s talk about the neurodivergent coding in Sk8 the Infinity

First off:

EVERYONES EXPERIENCE WITH NEURODIVERSITY IS DIFFERENT

i personally have been diagnosed with ADHD and i plan to get screened for autism

All of the information about these disorders come from my own experience and the experiences of people I know, so please take it all at face value

Also Sk8 spoilers, obviously

ADHD coding in Kyan Reki

Reki tends to show the more hyperactive side of ADHD

He often shows that he has a lot of energy and it is quite apparent that he hyperfixates on skateboarding and more specifically on making skateboards.

We get the information that Reki has joined and left a skating gang before he really became acquainted with S. He left this gang because he felt that the others in the gang did not share his true passion and love for skating. It shows that even when in a group that supposedly has th same collective interest as Reki, that he still likes it much more than the others.

In the first episode we see Reki trying to talk about skating with some of his peers, but they just turn away. Reki’s reaction does remind me of when people are trying to talk about their special interests and get shut down. You can see that he was very exited that someone took an interest in what he was doing and was exited to talk about it.

This isn’t just shown here though! Reki has a theme of getting seriously passionate when he talks about skating or making skateboards. In episode 2, after he had Langa were watching skating videos and Langa was staring to talk about how amazing skateboarding is Reki stated feeling a sense of companionship over shared interests (this scene is literally so cute)

I really see my own symptoms in Reki around episode 7 when he starts realizing that he and Langa were “not a good match anymore” (completely heart shattering by the way, ouch)

I find that I relate to how Reki could jut be proud of Langa for so long until someone else had to make a big deal out of it. To me it seems that Reki mood takes a large swing at this time that reveals a few symptoms of what could easily be some underlying depression. He continues to hav thesemood swings later on, where he cant help but be proud of Langa because he thought him to skate in the first place, but it also hurts that Langa could be leaving him behind.

When Reki and Langa make up, it is a lot of Langa reassuring Reki that he still skates because it is fun and he is passionate about it. I believe this helps Reki forgive him because deep down he was afraid that Langa was losing passion as he got better just like Miya did.

Speaking of Miya, Reki’s reckless decision making doesn’t show up often, but when he stood up for Miya by going into a beef without Adam (with the prize being Langa???!!?) is a key example. He refused to back down despite everyone telling him that he should. Even Miya repeatedly asked Reki to back out but he did not.

Also: The wiki describes him as scatterbrained?!?

Autism coding in Hasegawa Langa

In my opinion, the ASD (autism spectrum disorder) coding in Langa is more prominent than the ADHD coding in Reki, though possibly harder to recognize.

In episode 11, while Reki and Langa are looking at the broken skateboard, Langa crouches down, as that is the way he feels more comfortable discussing how he feels. I took this as Langa trying to make himself smaller because the information he was about to share felt overwhelming.

With this scene you can see how Reki crouched down with Langa instead of trying to get Langa to stand. It is obvious that the ADHD and autism friendship dynamic works well for them. (its cute as hell too. look at them, caring for each other.)

Like with ADHD, one of the symptoms of autism is reckless decision making, which is quite repetitive for Langa throughout the series. He chooses to beef with Adam (more than once) despite knowing that it is dangerous. He preforms risky tricks and maneuvers, even though everyone warned him against it. He does not usually think about his own safety while skating.

Also, like ADHD, ASD can cause fixations, commonly known as special interests. We know that Langa has always loved snowboarding (ever since he was two) and that he stopped when his father died. when he comes to Japan and starts skateboarding he starts to fixate on it like he fixated n skateboarding before. He gets to have the same sensation and passion without all the painful memories.

This one is lesser, but I think that Langa’s (kinda terrible) handwriting could be showing a sort of learning disability?

In the later episodes, where Reki is sad and feels like he is getting left behind, Langa has trouble understanding what is wrong. It is really hard for him to process Reki’s emotions.

Langa continuously shows examples of not being good with people and not wanting to be. His stats on the wiki tell us that he is bad with communicating, as well as being very reticent.

ADHD Reki and ASD Langa fic recs

Here are my very favorite fanfictions with ADHD Reki and ASD Langa

Your Name on Repeat by ImPanDuh Ao3

In which Langa has echolalia with Reki’s name (so cute guys i cant take it)

One of Those Days by ImPanDuh Ao3

In which Langa is having a bad day so Reki comes to comfort him (I’ve been thinking about this one nonstop for days)

I Will Always Be There For You by DazzalingDazai Ao3

In which Langa has a sensory overload and Reki is there to comfort him (they are so in love)

Catching Butterflies by carboncerulean Ao3

In which Reki has not had a lot of friends and is falling in love with Langa (my heart!)

The Sleepover by xworldofartemisx Ao3

In which Langa sleeps over and Reki is so in love (it’s so sweet i swear)

I Fell For You (Boy You’re So Screwed) by yuki (kinnienextdoor) Ao3

Renga arcade date (they are so cute)

If i ever write a Renga fic it will have ADHD Reki and ASD Langa :)

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

about watching porn and getting off

i really don't know how to frame this, and it may seem really stupid, but i have to ask- i struggle w watching porn, and it started when i was young. i wouldnt say i have an addiction, but whenever i watch it, i feel super guilty bc i know the porn industry is all kinds of messed up and that i shouldnt be watching it; however, i cant really get off without it. i have never felt comfortable enough w smut to get off, especially het ones... so my question is- how do i get off by myself w/o supporting weird, exploitative industries or smut? this is the most embarrassing thing i have ever asked anyone, so pls ignore if u feel uncomfy. bye.

Porn is like all media. It depends on what you consume. The porn industry has its failures, as you know. However, in recent years, a shift in audience prespective and sex workers fighting for their rights has changed quite a lot. There is now plenty of porn out there where the actors are safe, paid fair wages, and enjoy what they're doing.

There are websites marketed as "porn for women" with both free and paid options if you would like (and have the means) to support the actors. This does not mean that the porn is only for cis women; rather "porn for women" is a term used in the industry to describe "female friendly" porn - those made with the female orgasm in mind, more natural bodies, etc. Typically both heterosexual and LGBTQ+ options are available. Patreon, OnlyFans, etc is also out there for amateur porn and/or specific sex work if you're looking for something niche. In fact, amateur porn, even on free websites, is a relatively safe bet to be non- exploitative.

Porn in it of itself is not a bad thing. Obviously I'm biased - you are on my smut blog after all lol - but to say porn should induce guilt implies that there is shame in sex. I don't believe that's true. You don't have to watch porn if you don't want to, but I think it should be available to those who would like to have that exposure. Porn is how many people discover sex. However, it is important to remember that porn is a depiction of sex that is biased by the director and distributor.

For example, I've never seen porn that depicts a good blowjob. That's because delivering a mind-blowing suck does not translate well on screen. You can't see anything (lol). Porn is made to be watched, but something visually appealing may not provide the most pleasurable sensation in practice. Written smut can be a closer description of "real-life" sex, provided that the person writing it can translate the emotions and physicality well enough.

And sometimes it's hard to get off while scrolling lol

Masturbation without porn or smut only takes imagination. The problem for most people is... imagination. XD That's why those options of watching porn, reading smut, etc are out there. Still, masturbation has a lot to do with knowing how to get yourself off. Practice your technique and then there's not much time for thinking, haha! Or you can invest in an effective sex toy XD

Do some research into what you're watching, try different ways of getting yourself off, enlist the help of a toy if you want. There's a lot of choices out there, feel free to explore. :D

[gothhabiba]

ur most recent post about being lesbian & zero arousal with men is like !!!! me too!!!!!! but also, and im sorry for asking u dont have to answer, like i kinda struggle w knowing or being able to tell like… what if im not aroused cause i have issues w my body? even though ive tried w different men & it always feels bad both bc i didnt like it with them & bc i felt inadequate… i havent been able to try with women though so i guess i cant test that theory.. like how would i be able to distinguish those two feelings, i think is my question? ugh does any of this make sense im so sorry. sorry im a mess rn

I can't for sure tell you how to distinguish between those feelings because I don't know what it feels like to be attracted to men & simultaneously to have body issues. I'm sure that insecurity with one's own body could dampen a sexual encounter for anyone, but I still feel like it's telling that you say you "didn't like it with them" or would go so far as to describe it as "bad." If the 'issue,' such as it is, were entirely with one's self-image, I feel like some feelings of attraction or arousal would persist at least outside of the encounter itself? Did you find yourself thinking about these men before or after the encounter, fantasising about them, looking forward to subsequent encounters, &c? Were you actively thinking of new ways you wanted to touch them, be touched by them, whatever, either inside or outside the context of the immediate encounter?

My general advice in situations like this, though I know a non-answer or a delay may be frustrating, is to put questions of sexual identity to one side for a while and focus on what you find yourself actively wanting, thinking about, &c. If that's not sex with men, you can just... not have sex with men without feeling like you need to definitively decide anything on this front right away. I think that women feeling like they don't meet some kind of arbitrary bar to be "allowed" to call themselves lesbians does far more harm than good--you don't have to call or consider yourself anything in particular, for now, in order to stop acquiesing to or seeking out interactions that you don't want to have.

I will say that the first time I was simultaneously comfortable in a sexual encounter and sleeping with a woman, the difference was night and day--as in, desire meaning an actual drive to continue as well as arousal as a physical sensation, while 'just' kissing! Which I had never felt before, even with men I had been dating for a while. With men it had always felt almost performative, like I was focused on being fun and desirable and whatever rather than focused on my own, you know, desire. With women more of my uh bandwidth was dedicated to focus on what my partner's body looked & felt like, rather than mine.

[tiesandtea]

Simon Gilbert

Simon Says

We interviewed Simon Gilbert, Suede’s drummer, whose book So Young: Suede 1991-1993 is a journal and photographic document of the band’s early years that will be published October 8th. So Young has foreword by journalist Stuart Maconie and a vibrant, lively text by Simon himself, documenting his move from Stratford-on-Avon, his hometown, to London, the audition with Suede, life in the van, the early success years and the many amusing things that come with it. It is one of those rare books that make an outsider feel like they were there, in the van. Or in absurd mansions in L.A. belonging to industry types. Or was it record producer(s)?…

The conversation extended to Coming Up, Suede’s third album that turned 25 this year and drumming. Simon’s witty, often, one-liners contrast with my more elaborate questions, proving an interesting insight into our way of writing/replying.

by Raquel Pinheiro

So Young: Suede 1991-1993

What made you want to realease So Young?

I was searching through my archives when researching for the insatiable ones movies and found lots of old negatives and my diaries. They had to be seen.

When and why did you start your Suede archives?

As you can see from the book, it stared from the very first audition day.

From the concept idea to publishing how long did it took you to put So Young together?

30 years … I’ve always wanted to make a book since I was first in a band.

What was your selection process for which items – diary entries, photos, etc.- would be part of the book?

I wanted to form a story visually with a few bits of info thrown in here and there, also most of the photos tie in with pages from the diaries.

Which methods, storage, preservation, maintenance, if at all, do you employ to keep the various materials in your archives in good shape?

Boxes in an attic … one thing about getting the book out is that I don’t have to worry about the photos getting lost forever. It’s out there in a book!

Other than medium what differences existed between selecting material for The Insatiable Ones documentary and for So Young?

Video and photos … photos don’t translate well on a TV screen.

Do you prefer still or motion pictures and why?

I prefer photos … they capture a particular moment in time … as video does, but there’s a unique atmosphere with a photo.

So Young’s cover photo has a very Caravaggio and ballet feeling to it. Its chiaroscuro also contrasts with the images inside.  Why did you choose it for the cover?

It was a striking shot and I wanted the book to be black and dark …it fitted perfectly.

How many of the photos on So Young were taken by you?

Probably about 3/4 my 3 school friends who were there with me at the beginning Iain, Kathy and Phillip took a load of us onstage, backstage, after  the gig, etc., photos I couldn’t take myself.

So Young can be placed alongside books like Henry Rollins’ Get in The Van and Michael Azerrad’s Our Band Could Be Your Life, that not only chronicle and show the less glamorous, more mundane side of being in a band, but also totally immerse the reader so deep in it that we are there, feeling and going through the same things. Was your selection of materials meant to convey that “band being your(our) life” sensation?

Yes, exactly that. I was fascinated by photos of bands, not on the front cover of a magazine or on TV. The other bits of being in a band are far more interesting.

In the foreword, Stuart Maconie mentions the brevity of your diary entries which, as someone who keeps diaries, I immediately noticed. Do you prefer to tell and record a story and events with images?

I haven’t kept a diary since the end of 1993 … looking back on them they can be a bit cringeful … So, yes, I prefer images.

Contrasting with the diary entries brevity your text  that accompanies So Young is lively, witty, detailed and a good description of the struggles of a coming of age, heading towards success, band. Do you think the text and images reveal too much into what it really is like being in a band, destroying the myth a bit?

I think the myth of being in a band is long gone … Reality is the new myth…

In So Young you write that when you first heard Never Mind The Bollocks by The Sex Pistols music was to be your “future dream”. How has the dream been so far?

Still dreaming … lose your dreams and you will lose your mind … like Jagger said.

Is there a reason why So Young only runs from 1991 to 1993?

Yes, I bought a video camera in 1993. It was so much easier filming everything rather than take a photo, wait 3 weeks to get it developed and find out it was blurred.

So Young has a limited deluxe numbered and signed edition already sold out. The non deluxe edition also seems to be heading the same way. How important is it for you to keep a close relationship with the fans?

So important. I love interacting with the fans and is so easy these days … I had to write replies by hand and post them out in 1993…

Playing Live Again & Coming Up

Before Suede’s concert at Qstock Festival in Oulu, Finland on 31.07.2021 you wrote on your social media “cant fucking wait dosnt come close!!!!!” and Mat [Osman, Suede’s bassist] on his “An honest-to-goodness rehearsal for an honest-to-goodness show. Finally”. How did it feel like going back to play live?

It was great. Heathrow was empty which was amazing. A bit strange to play for the first time after 2 years …., but great to get out again.

Coming Up was released 25 years ago. How does the record sound and seems to you now compared with by then?

I haven’t listened to it for a long time actually … love playing that album live … some great drumming.

Before the release of Coming Up fans and the press were wondering if Suede would be able to pull it off. What was your reaction when you first heard the new songs and realize the album was going in quite a different direction than Dog Man Star?

Far too long ago to remember.

Coming Up become a classic album. It even has its own Classical Albums documentary. Could you see the album becoming a classic by then?

I think so yes .. there was always something to me very special about that album.

Is it different to play Coming Up songs after Suede’s return? Is there a special approach to concerts in which a single album is played?

No … didn’t even need to listen to the songs before we first rehearsed … They’re lodged in my brain.

Which is your Coming Up era favourite song as a listener and which one do you prefer as a drummer?

The Chemistry Between Us.

Will the Coming Up shows consist only of the album or will B-sides be played as well?

Definitely some B-sides and some other stuff too.

Simon & Drumming

If you weren’t a drummer how would your version of “being the bloke singing at the front” be like?

Damned awful … I auditioned as a singer once, before I started drumming … It was awful!

In his book Stephen Morris says that all it takes to be a drummer is a flat surface and know how to count. Do you agree?

No.

Then, what makes a good drummer?

Being in the right band.

Topper Headon of the Clash is one of your role models. Who are the others?

He is, yes … fantastic drummer.

Charlie Watts is the other great …and Rat Scabies … superb.

She opens with drums so does Introducing the band. Your drumming gives the band a distinctive sound. How integral to Suede’s sound are the drums?

Well, what can I say … VERY!

Do you prefer songs that are driven by the drums or songs in which the drums are more in the background?

Bit of both actually … I love in your face stuff like She, Filmstar …, but ikewise, playing softer stuff is very satisfying too.

You’re not a songwriter. How much freedom and input do you have regarding drum parts?

If the songs needs it, I’ll change it.

Do you prefer blankets, towels or a pillow inside the bass drum?

Pillows.

Do you use gaffer tape when recording? If so, just on the snare drum or also on the toms? What about live?

Lots of the stuff … gaffer tape has been my friend both live and in the studio for 30 years.

What is the depth of your standard snare drum and why?

Just got a lovely 7-inch Bog wood snare from Repercussion Drums … sounds amazing. It is a 5000 year old Bog wood snare.

Standard, mallets, rods or brushes?

Standard. I hate mallets and rods are always breaking after one song. Brushes are the worst …no control.

How many drum kits have you owned? Of those, which is your favourite?

5 … my fave is my DW purple.

How long to you manage without playing? Do you play air drums?

7 years 2003 – 2010 … and never.

Can you still assemble and tune your drum kit?

Assemble, yes …tune no …have never been any good at that.

You dislike digital/electronic drum kits, but used one during the pandemic. Did you become more found of them?

Still hate them … unfortunately,  they are a necessary evil.

When you first joined Suede you replaced a drum machine. Would it be fair to say you didn’t mind taking its job?

Fuck him!

Brett [Anderson, Suede’s singer] as described the new album as “nasty, brutish and short”. How does that translates drums wise?

Very nasty brutish and short.

When researching for the interview I come across the statement below on a forum: “If you’re in a band and you’re thinking about how to go about this, get every player to come up with their own track list & have a listening party. I’ve done this, not only is it great fun, it’s also massively insightful when it comes to finding out what actually is going on inside the drummer’s head!”. What actually is going on inside the drummer’s head?

Where’s my fucking lighter!

And what is going on inside the drummer as a documentarist head? How does Simon, the drummer, differs from Simon, the keen observer of his own band, bandmates, fans, himself, etc.?

There is no difference … I’m Simon here there and everywhere…

What would the 16 years old Simon who come to London think of current Simon? What advice would you give to your younger self?

Don’t smoke so much you fool!

[yandere-wishes]

💔Rotten Love💔 //Twisted Wonderland Yandere Idia Shroud X Yandere Eliza X Reader// Part 1

GIF made by the amazing @flowerofthemoonworld. Okay, so this story is really going to have a Persephone x Reader x Hades vibe to it. If we can get this to 160 likes before July 12 than I’ll release part 2. For now, my goal is to make it a 4 part story with a bonus 5th fluff chapter. Also for this story reader will be GENDER NEUTRAL.

WARNING: Gore, Angst

💙 👻💙 👻💙 👻💙 👻💙 👻💙 👻💙 👻💙 👻💙 👻💙 👻💙 👻💙

There was always a cold, nostalgic air in the Ignihyde dormitory, a sort of homey sensation that made Eliza's heart skip a beat. Sure the dorm was quiet and secluded, unlike the ghost kingdom, there was barely anyone to talk to. Most may have even described it as "lonesome" and "boring". But to princess Eliza who had waited more than five hundred years to be with her prince charming, it was unadulterated, homespun bliss. Of course, there was still something missing, a tiny puzzle piece that refused to fit in with the rest of its kind, a stubborn little piece it was, yet all too important to paint the picture of her perfect life. That mulish fragment came in the form of her newly wedded husband, Idia Shroud.

"Idia~"

The "young" princess sang as she skipped over to where her "husband" was sitting, his posture crooked, like that of a scrunched up cat's. His long slender fingers where typing rapidly on that bizarre rectangular device that he all too attached to. Way too attached to, for Eliza's liking.

Eliza nuzzled her visage into the crook of the bleached-skinned boy's neck, taking in his smokey, ash-like sent. Her icy colored arms wafted over his shoulders, enclosing them his a tight embrace. Her fingers dangled over where his heart was, feeling tiny fast-paced pulses that sent a pleased blush to her face. "Idia let's go for a walk near that river. Please, my love! You haven't left this room since the reception!"

The taller male barely turned to look at her, preferring to instead to keep his eyes locked on his glowing blue screen. "Still busy Eliza" his cold dead voice was always so sharp and monotone whenever he spoke to her. It felt like someone was reaching into her rib cage and squeezing her decaying heart. Her voice cracked into a thousand tiny shards, as she tried to form a comprehensible answer. He might as well have told her to die again and rot in the deepest parts of hell. He doesn't love me....he'll never love me. The relation was like a heavy chronic toxic gas levitating overhead. Easy to overlook but still there, always there. Idia didn't move, if Eliza's arms weren't wrapped around his shoulders feeling every breath he took, she might have mistaken him for a statue. No, not a statue, she thought, some sort of sculpture of an ancient Greek God. A divine being set in stone resting in an altar, waiting for reparations and benedictions. 'I'd gladly pray at your feet every day. I'd sacrifice everything I had just for you to smile that charming smile at me'. The ghost thought to herself.

For an endless minute, the darkroom fell into a thick, suffocating silence. Neither Eliza nor Idia moved both too scared of breaking some invisible glass wall they had put up around them. However, no amount of serenity could dispose of the awkwardness, and annoyance Idia was beginning to feel. "You know" the lord of the dead began "maybe you should talk to the principle about join the school full time. It would give you more to do than breathing over my shoulder" despite Idia's tone harboring no malice, Eliza still flinched in shock. Her body going rigid, stiffening as if she was going into Rigor Mortis again.

HE DOESN'T WANT YOU HERE!

The voice in her head screamed,

HE HATES YOU!

Louder...

WHY CANT YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE

"Please stop" she whispered

YOU DON’T DESERVE YOUR PRINCE!

"If that's what you want" she finally replied in a broken voice.

"I'm... I'm only saying it for your sake," he muttered in a coaxing tone.

Deep down a delusional part of her wanted to scream that he was only saying all those harsh things for her own well-being. But she was still lucid enough to not believe those fallacies, imaginary words...Eliza perceived that her beloved prince Idia saw her as nothing more than a nuisance.  One that he was far too eager to get rid of. 

She couldn't bear the conversation any farther. Painfully slowly she peeled her arms off from around her so-called lover. In that taunting minute, Eliza swore she could feel billions upon billions of sharp needles piercing every piece of her dead body. She lingered in place staring at Idia's glowing, blazing hair. She didn't want to leave, she wanted to spend every second of her dead life with him! Touching him, kissing him, loving him! But he wouldn't love her! Why didn't he love her!! Without a customary goodbye or any form of acknowledgment, Eliza flew to the door. Swinging it open just a crack, wishing to slam it so hard that the whole underworld dorm would feel it. But alas she was still royalty and there was a politeness beaten into her every action. In the end after much debating, she closed the damn door quieter than a mouse. With a broken heart and eyes full of tears, princess Eliza began to hover up onto the surface of the school grounds.

WHY DOESN'T THAT SELFISH BASTARD LOVE ME!

A simple blaring thought that reverberated through Eliza's nonexistent skull as she marched through the glowing green halls of Night Raven College. Unlike Ignihyde, the rest of the school still felt rather alien and terrifying to the girl. She'd only been in the cafeteria for a short amount of time. Only to finish up her official marriage to Idia. After the marriage -and much persuasion from his friend with grey hair and glasses-  Idia had carried Eliza in the traditional manner a groom must carry a bride, to the hall of mirrors and straight to Ignyhde. Neither of them had left Idia's room since then.

It was a rather short memory but one that always placed a smile on Eliza's face. Rather than remembering the halls, Eliza had been all too bewitched by Idia's shy golden gaze, his bloody red face, and his kissable thin blue lips. Such a darling memory that she would always cherish within her rotten heart.

But as the minutes ticked away and Eliza passed hallway after hallway all identical to one another, she soon began to wish that she'd paid more attention to the whereabouts of the school's rooms and offices. The headmaster's office seemed to be missing from this endless maze. Behind every corner was the same tiled floor, candles lit by a mystical green light and windows so large they put the countless classroom doors to shame. Every few minutes a crowd of students would pass by, disappearing behind another wall withing second. No one noticed her, which was rather odd considering she was the only female in an all-boys school, her purple dress and feminine curves were proof enough of that. "I guess this is the result of being a ghost, wandering the land of the living" She whispered hopelessly to herself. "You're invisible when you're me..."

The eighth turn that Eliza took brought her to a small cluster of peculiar students. Some donning ears and tails like those of wild beasts, while the other had odd features resembling Ortho's limps. Metallic and reflective. They were laughing at something, attentions enclosed within their small groups. A measly thought flew into Eliza's head, why not speak up? Raise your voice and ask where she could locate the headmaster of this complex establishment.

"Excuse me."

“....”

Silence

None of the boys turned to her, they just continued with there chatter. Eliza opened her mouth to speak once more when she -rather unwillingly- picked up stray words from their conversation.

"It's not fair!" A tall lanky one with striped ears and tail whined

"Yeah! How come that useless shut-in gets to get married to a cute girl !" the second one was even taller, with thick furry grey ears that reminded Eliza of a wolf.

"Look man I don't know what Idia has that makes him so damn lucky! He's a useless wimp..." A Bold statement made by the one with metallic features.

Eliza was sure they continued bashing Idia but the phantom pain of blood coursing through her ears droned them out. How dare such hooligans speak ill of her beloved husband! Her fingers flexed in a robotic-like movement, stretching open than closing once more. Around her tiny flame-like spirits began to materialize, cute and cheery with big eyes and smiling mouths...until they noticed the distress of their mistress. the tiny things took a look around, grasping the situation from the loud words of the boys as well as Eliza's grim expression. Slowly the little flames began to merge with one another. Fusing into a large ax with a burning end. The weapon floated down to her hand, positioning itself smugly between her ghostly digits.

Eliza's eyes locked with the backs of the boys, she didn't know how this would work, could the ax could even harm the living? It may just phase through them as if nothing had happened....or it may price through there flesh and bones, tearing them in two. Hosting the ax up over her shoulder with both hands and taking a shaky step forward, Eliza lunged towards the first boy. In a swift flick of her wrist, the blade of the ax was pushing through the Ignihyde student's back. Splitting ceaselessly at the skin and urging past muscles until it reached the creamy colored bones. Eliza didn't stop there, her arms still pushing forward trying to get the heavy ax to break those pesky osseins. He had to pay for what he said! No one was permitted to speak ill of her one true love! A satisfying crack filled the air followed by a choir of screams. Only when the ax had finally resurfaced on the other side, covered in plasma and the remnants of organs, did Eliza turned her attention to the other two students. There eyes where enormous staring at her in disgust and fear...and something else. Something that -although it revolted her to her very core- she wished Idia would look at her with that same look in his eyes. A look of want, a look of need, pure lust, yet the welcoming sort ONLY if it was coming from the person you adored so much.

The blue-haired ghost didn't move, her semi existent body felt overworked. Everything hurt! Or at least she thought what she was feeling was the ghost equivalent to human pain. "Why.." her voice glitched at every syllable, like a broken cassette player. The two boys didn't answer instead taking shall strides backward. "WHY DID YOU SAY SUCH AWFUL THINGS ABOUT HIM!" in a split second, anger over ran Eliza's boy once more, dragging her and the ax forward until the blade came in contact with one of the animal eared men's neck. Slicing it so it flung backward, crashing onto the ground with loud "thud" then rolling around in its own gore. The last man stand, the one with monochrome ears pushed his palms forward, a pathetic attempt of shielding himself from her wrath. "W-we..we d-d-did...didn't-t mean...mean any..offense...honest!" His voice creaked as tears gushed from the corners of his eyes. "You're...you're just so...so...pretty...beautiful even...and...and...Shroud well...we...well, he's a loser who w-w-wouldn't kno--" his words were left half-finished, as Eiza's ax severed through him diagonally.  

Her heart was pounding much too fast, that it was beginning to make her feel sick. Her legs finally gave up, sending her crashing onto the blood coated floor.  Her bare knees dug into the red liquidy substance, finding an odd comfort in the warm human ichor. Eliza didn't know what to do, or even where to go. If she went back to Idia like this he would surely use it against her, Ortho was too young to be introduced to such a carnage...and she didn't know anyone else! "I'm all so very doomed" she sobbed as transparent tears trailed down her eyes.

"Hey" A distant voice spoke up. "What's wrong with her?" another voice, this one more high pitch and raspy. Eliza tore her face from her hands looking up at a group of three strangers and a cat...no, not strangers, she recognized the orange and blacked haired boy. They both had tried to crash her wedding. But the other person was new, they had a gentle look in their eyes, a welcoming stare that the princess longed for. "Hey ghost bride," The orange-haired boy spoke up, "need some help with your mess?" Eliza nodded meekly. Her body still limp and voice still too frail to speak. The last person, the one that had unexpectedly piqued Eliza's interest extended a hand towards her. And with only a scrap of hesitation, Eliza gripped it.

"Come on, we'll help you out!"

💙 👻💙 👻💙 👻💙 👻💙 👻💙 👻💙 👻💙 👻💙 👻💙 👻💙 👻💙 

Tags: @yandere-romanticaa​ @ghostiebabey​ @lovee-infected​ @mermaid-painter​ @firemelody4​ also tagging @twstpasta​ and @delusional-obsessions​ cause I know they're huge Eliza fans.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW: mentions of Possible sexual abuse/mental health issues, mentions of flashbacks/Trauma responses and previous (non-sexual) abuse,

im just really confused about all of this, and its putting a strain on my relationship with my mother, i guess i'd like to know resources/advice, and just have some support on this, since I cant really talk about it with anyone IRL.

Backstory: I have autism and some kind of ptsd/memory issues. my family has a history of OCD, and my therapist thinks I have it as well.

My mom has a boyfriend, I'll call him B. B and I got along mostly (as far as i remember) until recently, now just being in the same room as him makes me extremely uncomfortable, and my brain keeps telling me he's going to assault me in some way. It's gone so far that i've had panic attacks that act like traumatic flashbacks at least once a week, including "memorys" of a previous assult. Just bits and pieces, nothing specific. The problem is, i don't remember this, and it couldn't be possible, I have been home alone with B multiple times, and he hasn't done anything, my mothers never had another partner apart from my father, and i've been alone with my father multiple times, and he hasnt done anything to hurt me (except slap my ass twice) and I can't believe that he'd assult me, he was sort of abusive when he lived with us, but nothing sexual, just verbal, and only when he was drunk.

I've started thinking I have some sort of OCD around Sex/Sexuality, If thats even possible, but this only started recently, around late 2020, even though i've had an aversion to anything Sexual as far as i can remember. But theres still a lot of things I can't explain about it.

Sorry if this is a lot or doesn't make much sense, i don't really know how to explain it well.

-Reid

Hey Reid! Hope you're doing well :)

What you're describing sounds like intrusive thoughts, which are a very common symptom for people with OCD, though they can also occur for people with PTSD, or an otherwise trauma related mental disorder, or sometimes in anxiety disorders as well.

Intrusive thoughts are involuntary, distressing thoughts, images, scenes or suggestions that come to one's mind either out of nowhere or when triggered by something. It's always important to reiterate that they are not a representation of your morals, or of reality. Some people do experience intrusive thoughts related specifically to sexual acts or sexual assault - though, there is no such thing as purely sexual OCD. A possibly better way to describe this would be sexual intrusive thoughts.

Dealing with intrusive thoughts is tricky. Some common techniques used are mindfulness and grounding. Mindfulness refers to centering yourself in the present, guiding yourself through your thoughts and reassuring yourself that it will pass. When a intrusive thought comes, it can be very useful to remind yourself that this is not reality, that this is a fleeting experience, to take your train of thought back to where it originally was, and redirecting yourself. Grounding is using physical sensations to calm yourself. This can be consciously regulating your breathing, looking around your surroundings, pinching yourself lightly, relaxing your muscles, or using a calming stimuli. Both of these things allow you to regain awareness and control of yourself, your mental state and your awareness when intrusive thoughts make those difficult. Thought, different techniques work for different people, you'll need to figure out what works for you specifically :] we have another suggestion under resources, in our pinned post, as well as the tag intrusive thoughts in our blog!

Intrusive thoughts are distressing, especially when the hint at something that goes against your own experiences and memories, but you absolutely can deal with them. Consider bringing this up to your therapist as well! And good luck :] - mod Hakki

[magic-is-something-we-create]

📝 👥👣 👎 for the change-themed writeblr asks!

hi!!! thank u for playing!!!

📝 Share the top writing tips that improved your writing. (As many as you want!)

- set a daily writing goal that you can hit in five minutes. it helps keep the serotonin of having a writing streak alive but it also means you dont absolutely overwork yourself in an effort to be """productive"""

- do writing sprints, especially if theyre super short ones, in tandem with that first point. i literally do 5 minute writing sprints if im having a hard time starting

in terms of actual writing advice stuff:

- find a balance between shooting for perfection and letting the first draft be a dumpster fire. i personally have found that if the previous day's writing isn't up to a certain standard, i cant write any more until its fixed, but that standard isnt "ready for publishing", its just "comprehensible and not janky". find ur balance, whether that means sitting down for 10 minutes before each session to edit yesterday's stuff, or refusing to look back entirely so you can keep up your momentum

- repeating important words/phrases several times (i.e. starting three sentences with the same few words in a row) literally hammers in the weight of a scene emotionally

- when you're super emotional, you get physical sensations in your body. not everyone experiences/describes these sensations the same - look for the most obvious descriptor first (i.e. "my stomach dropped") and then dig into what you actually feel and rework it that way (for me, "a hollow digs into my gut" is more accurate and visceral <3)

- dont be afraid to go off the outline, because a lot of the time when things develop naturally as you go and it messes up your plot, its because the plot didnt actually fit the world and/or characters that have grown since you started

- unconventional metaphors are great at showing character. an example of this from my own work: ember is our main POV, and theyre an archer, so when they first describe another of the characters, they say their nose and cheekbones are "strong and sharp as a loosed arrow"

- script your action scenes. also dont forget that with action comes super-high emotion, and a lot of the best action scenes coincide with milestones in character development ("you cant take my pain" in stormlight archive, nayimathun's escape in priory of the orange tree, etc.)

👥 Describe your initial concept of a character, and what they’re like now.

ohhhh i like this one a lot

well, my initial concept for beta was that he was a fairly reserved, grandfather-like mentor figure to nimbus, who was very obedient when it came to the law because hes the closest thing the ehlverse has to an immigrant (they dont have a concept of governing land)

now hes uh. chaotic old man who may or may not have poisoned his ex-wife's lover, got banished from his former protective government (the only person to ever be banished by that particular one), deals fantasy ecstacy on the side, and willingly yeets his phone into the ocean with 0 hesitance when asked

👣 How have your tastes changed since you first started writing? Do you write in the same genre? Do the same tropes, subjects, or themes still pop up?

i do write in the same genre! i used to do a lot more urban fantasy stuff, but i much prefer high fantasy now, simply because worldbuilding is so incredibly fun and its much more so to build it from the ground up for me :D

similar themes still pop up, yes, but i handle them a lot more maturely now than i used to (my old stuff read like uh. Depressed Child has No Other Outlet, which wasnt all too off-the-mark, but it is u n b e a r a b l e)

i definitely like much more flowery prose than i used to!! when i first started this draft of firebreathers, i thought i hated description and action scenes, but uh,,,,, those are now my favorite things to write

👎 Have you ever held a writing opinion that you disagree with now? If so, what was it, and why do you think differently now?

i used to avoid using "says/said" at all costs, and instead went for other, more descriptive tags. now i only use "says/said" or no tag at all, with rare description tags when it's not clear from circumstance whats going on. i just find that it flows better in my particular style to do it that way :D

-

thank you again for playing!!! this was super fun :D

[sephirothisaslut]

Imaginary Friend

Sephiroth was never a normal child.

In fact, you could say he never was a child.

He was never allowed to be a child. 

Hojo made him to be the perfect son. The perfect puppet. The perfect soldier. The perfect General. Ever flawless, never faltering.

So it came as a surprise when he’s developed an imaginary friend. To say Hojo was perplexed was an understatement. He was livid. Sephiroth had not been exposed to any form of fictional works, nor the concept of an imaginary friend (or what a friend even is).

The mad scientist purged his employees. All nurses, doctors, assistants, and even janitorial and guard staff were interrogated. It wont do for a God to have something as childish as an imaginary friend. He fired those that have shown any unnecessary kindness to Sephiroth, and ‘fired’ those that have records of actively trying to treat him like a normal child. (As if a God would need to be treated like a lowly common child)

It all started with a question.

“Doctor, is he the new guard?” Sephiroth asked from behind Hojo.

Hojo had vaguely remember asking for additional security. With Lucrecia’s previous fling nearly killing him, and Gast’s near successful defection, he thought it was necessary. However when he turned to look, he could see no one.

“Boy, are you trying to purposefully fool me?” Hojo said with malignant eyes. His icy tone alone made Sephiroth writhe in panic. 

Sephiroth started to hyperventilate. What had he done wrong? Was he not supposed to ask questions? He wasn’t trying to fool Hojo. Then why.

Hojo slowly approached. A large glowing syringe in one hand. The other, tightening the bands holding Sephiroth down on the cold, steel table.

“Do not” Hojo stabbed the syringe into Sephiroth, purposefully hurting the boy, “do that” he began injecting the liquid, making Sephiroth thrash in pain “ever again”

Sephiroth started screaming. Whatever the good doctor had done to him hurt. Everything Hojo did to him always hurt. But this hurt much more so. His limbs tries to thrash, but the straps that held him were built for not so human patients. Every cell in his body cried and called out. He could feel tears starting to form. He tried clenching his eyes shut, preventing the tears from fully forming (preventing him from showing weakness). But it wasn't long until a second, more powerful wave of pain and hurt consumed him.

Sephiroth’s eyes darted around. trying to anchor himself on consciousness. He looked around, once more spotting the man. For some reason Hojo can’t see him. He tried focusing in the man. Trying to distract himself from the burning sensation coming from his blood.

Then he blacked out. 

The next time he woke up, he was back in his room. Sephiroth knew ‘cell’ was more accurate than ‘room’. One of the former caretakers he had when he was younger described their child’s room. It all sounded unnecessary. The frilly curtains, and bright colors. The toys that serve no purpose but to entertain. It all seemed useless. It all sounded foreign. it all sounded incredible.

He wanted to be normal. He wanted to be unnecessary. He wanted to just be. But Hojo told him not to. 

He sat up, breaking away from his dark thoughts. Then he noticed the same man in the corner of his room. Just leaning casually, hands crossed, observing Sephiroth.

Sephiroth is smart. He knew that the reason today’s test had hurt so much was because he mentioned the man to Hojo. And for some reason, Hojo cant see the man. He also knew that his room is bugged. A camera in the corner. Constantly watching Sephiroth. Collecting data of his behavior to be studied like a corpse laid out for dissection. So he opted to go to the desk, and pretended to take notes on a Tactics book. Making his movements obvious. Leaning to one side to clearly show what he’s writing to the man, but hiding it from the camera.

‘Why can’t Hojo see you?’ He writes. His plan wasn’t well thought. Sure, the camera’s can’t see what he’s doing, but it doesn't guarantee the man will read what he’s writing.

“Because I’m not really here”

Sephiroth blinked, stunned. It worked.

‘What do you mean?’

“My physical body...It’s not really here”

‘Where is it?’

“I don’t know”

This man is an enigma. He can hear the man behind him. If the man can be seen by the cameras, then guards would have swarmed in to apprehend him already.

‘What are you’ Sephiroth scrawls. Is he the ‘ghosts’ that he’s heard some of the technicians talk about?

“I’m no one”

Sephiroth huffs. He’s even more curious now. ‘You’re not no one. I can see you’

“How sure are you? I’m sure you’ve noticed, you’re the only one that can see me”

Sephiroth pauses. He’s read about hallucinations before. But they only occur in times of extreme stress. And the first time he’s seen the man, it was before the testing not during. And right now, he’s in a space he feels most comfortable in. He shakes his head, resolving to drop the subject.

‘What’s your name?’ 

“Cloud...Call me Cloud” The man, Cloud, decides. He moves to lean beside Sephiroth’s desk, putting himself in clear view of the child.

Sephiroth discreetly looked up at the man. Cloud’s most notable appearance is his ridiculous blond hair. Spiking around as if defying gravity. That was before Sephiroth noticed his eyes, It was blue, glowing, and it was slited. 

Just like me

“Kid, it’s rude to stare” Cloud snorted.

‘Sorry’

“You should rest. I saw what Hojo did. And he’s preparing a new batch tomorrow” Cloud gently instructed the child.

Sephiroth, finally realizing his own fatigue, nodded. And promptly carried himself to bed. He can figure the man out another time.

The next day, Sephiroth woke to the man sitting at his bedside. Looking down as if lost in thought. Sephiroth only nudged his foot discreetly to tell the man to move out of the way.

“Oh you’re awake” Cloud moved out of the way.

Sephiroth sat up, and checked the clock. 5:00 am, it read. He had enough time to prepare for Hojo’s next test.

He stood up and slowly peeled his clothes off.

Cloud cleared his throat, “What’re you doing?”

Sephiroth only turned to him and mouthed ‘Hojo’.

“Ah”

It wasn’t long after Sephiroth had completely dressed in his gown, that Hojo himself came busting into his room.

“Get dressed, we’re taking another-” The mad man paused. “I see you’ve already prepared”

“Yes, doctor” Sephiroth replied meekly.

“And how do you possibly know about today’s test. I haven’t informed you, nor my staff.” Hojo narrowed his eyes.

Sephiroth’s body stiffened. It was the man that had told him. How does the man know? What does he tell Hojo?

“Tell him the truth” Cloud said from beside him.

Sephiroth only briefly glanced at him in shock.

“Do not test me boy.” Hojo snapped.

In the heat of his panic, Sephiroth blurted out the first answer he could formulate.

“It was Cloud sir”

“Cloud? Don’t lie to me, there are no staff here called Cloud” 

“Tell him I’m your imaginary friend.” Cloud suggested.

Sephiroth only glanced at him, this time thinking ‘Are you crazy?’

“Well?!” Hojo’s voice snapped him back to reality.

“He’s my...imaginary friend...sir” Sephiroth’s voice flatered at the end. it all sounds so wrong. But it’s the best he’s got.

The doctor said nothing. Only narrowing his eyes, then sharply turning away. Gesturing for the boy to follow him.

That day, the battery of tests made Sephiroth hurt so much, he was incapacitated for a full week.

-----------------------------------------------------------

 “You Ok?” Cloud asked, running his hand through the now teenage Sephiroth.

They continued their entire spiel of discreetly communicating. After what Hojo did to Sephiroth that day, they’ve decided to show little sign of Cloud’s existence. 

However, there have been a few slip ups in the past years. Just like what happened that day, Cloud had informed Sephiroth of a scheduled test that Hojo hadn’t told anyone about. Sephiroth soon found himself in the mercy of a mutated Zolom soon after. Then when Sephiroth was writhing in pain on another metal table, he had accidentally called Cloud’s name. Begging for help. Hojo merely increased the dosage.

But after trial and error, they’ve managed to find out a system. It also helped that Cloud knew Morse code, and taught Sephiroth. This way, Sephiroth can communicate in taps, or blinking. Of course, it helped that the staff didn’t know Sephiroth knew Morse code, or even can understand it at all. (They’re scientists, not soilders)

‘Yes’ Sephiroth tapped.

“Good” Cloud sighed, then paused. He looked up at the ceiling, looking troubled.

‘Are you dying?’

He gazed up at Cloud. In all the years that his Imaginary friend has been with him, Cloud has never aged. Never changed. Of course, he’s never had any other imaginary friend, nor had he met anybody who had one. But it is to his understanding that they usually disappear after a certain age. And yet here Cloud is. The only constant in Sephiroth’s life aside from Hojo and the pain he brings.

However he’s noticed Cloud has been disappearing more frequently now. Sometimes fading, or growing transparent.

“So you’ve noticed” Cloud said sadly. He wasn’t dying per se. More like flickering. Disappearing. Dissolving. Leaving Sephiroth to fend Hojo on his own.

‘Don’t go’ Sephiroth tapped lightly. Afraid of what might happen. Cloud told him many things. From what it felt like to ride a chocobo, to how a motorcycle engine works, to the true nature of his birth. He told him about Lucrecia and a Turk named Vincent Valentine. How Hojo back stabbed them. How he killed Professor Gast (Sephiroth liked Professor Gast, he thought he’d merely been moved to another lab), and about Jenova. About what she really is. Sephiroth trusted Cloud, and believed everything he said

At first Sephiroth thought himself a monster. But after Cloud’s constant reassurances, he’d slowly accepted that he’s as human as anybody else.

“Sephiroth, I can’t stay for much longer” Cloud whispered, “Hojo’s gonna present you to the president soon. And I can’t follow you to Midgar”

‘What’ Sephiroth clenched his fist after asking.

“I can’t.” Cloud sounded pained, “I-...”

They stayed in silence. Inside Sephiroth’s room, full of grey steel. The quiet as thick as blood.

“It’s tonight” Cloud finally said.

“Please don’t leave me” Sephiroth whispered. The cameras be damned. He can’t. His friend is leaving him and-

“Sephiroth” Cloud gently apologized. “Remember everything that I’ve taught you, yeah?”

“...Please don’t. Stay. Please”

Cloud sighed, “I’ll stay as long as I can”

That night, Sephiroth cried. Unhibited, uncaring of the repercussions. Uncaring of what Hojo might do if he saw the tapes. All so he can mourn his friend properly.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Wutai war was finally finished. The streets of Midgar was filled with SOLDIERS and Infantrymen reuniting with their families, friends, and loved ones. The streets of Loveless avenue was full of hugging, kissing, and over all joy. It was practically a holiday. A festival.

Genesis had left with Angeal on a trip to a showing of Loveless. Leaving Sephiroth alone for his  homecoming. His friends asked him to join, but he politely declined. He’d much rather stay home than be carted around as a third wheel on their date.

So here he is, The Hero of Wutai. Alone on a joyous evening. He looked down on the streets. Quietly observing the goings on. He once wished for someone to return to. But the only person he’s ever remotely had was long gone.

He’s not even sure he existed.

Just then, his PHS started ringing.

“General sir?” An uncertain voice from the other side asked. It must have been the guards stationed in the lobby.

“Speak” Sephiroth only answered. Mildly annoyed.

“S-Sir, there’s a visitor for you.”

Sephiroth stayed silent. It’s most likely someone from his ridiculous fan club.

“Sir?”

“Where are they from” Sephiroth said coldly. He is not in the mood for dealing with crazed civilians tonight.

“Says h-he’s from Science sir!” The man answered sharply.

“Identification” Sephiroth asked. The only thing worse than a rabid fan, is one of Hojo’s men. 

He can hear the phone being passed to, presumably, the visitor. He had expected an update on a checkup, however the voice on the other end made Sephiroth stiffen.

“Sephiroth...It’s Cloud”

[we-always-hit-our-ass]

I don't mean to bother you, but could you do hate to love headcanons for Bill Guarnere please?

oh you’re not bothering me at all! this is a NICE request- im into this idea and i loved writing hcs about this! thank you for requesting this lovely idea, it’s amazing!

Taglist: @floydtab, @deldontplay, @thatsonefishyboi, @noneofurbusinez, @meteora-fc, @hufflepuffpancakes​, @hihosilvers​, @rayleighshughes

Hate to Love HCs with Bill Guarnere

----------------------

----------------------

you were generally well-liked and respected in camp toccoa and always hung out with george luz and perconte

these two were your best friends-

so you thought you would be fine with bill guarnere-

you didn’t really dislike bill guarnere at first because you two never really talked and you always conveniently left when he came in

you two avoided each other, and you were fine with anything as long as he doesnt bother you

but oh boy- shit started to change as the days went on

oh so you thought that you and bill could get along at first? i’m sorry to say that you were wrong-

somehow, bill is just now actively pursuing you just so he can insult you or poke fun at anything you do-

of course you tolerated at first cause like, you thought it was just a one time thing and iTS BILL GUARNERE-

his insults and snarky personality is one of the biggest things that he’s know for-

sooo you let it slide and never paid much mind to it

then bill turns around and decides to prove you wrong

but fortunately he never went that far, he’d only say his run-of-the-mill insults-

it wasn’t that that annoyed you though

it was how much he did it that annoyed you-

everywhere you went or whoever you hang out with, bill would never fail to poke fun at you

whether it was his vulgar insults, his pushiness, his bold personality, or his shit-eating grin??- you didn't know

you knew that was just his brand, but holy shit- you couldn’t take anymore of it

bill would constantly pester you until you snap and just straight-up leave

but even when you would leave to not interact with him this man will still be there- 

and i dont think thats a coincidence

but bill would only purposely annoy you because this poor boy doesn’t know how to express his affection but you sure as hell didnt know that-

so when he sees you get mad after his teasing, he’s just a little bit confused-

but like even though you thought it was funny at first, he just kept doing it

this pissed you off and you always try your best to keep calm and ignore him

like you aint giving him a reaction, youre too stubborn-

but then he’d always flash a cocky smirk once he sees you leaving after he annoyed you just a little too much that day

and when he does that you cant help but like a teensy bit annoyed, 

cause like who wouldn’t??

you swore that you could punch him and i swear you almost did

thank god the easy boys were kind enough to literally keep you from knocking out guarnere

seriously, this man does not know when to stop and you just couldn’t stand him

like god forbid you two being next to each other for 1 second

but then shit turned around once more- but for the better this time

while easy two was out in the field, bill literally pushed you out of the way and shielded you from a nearby grenade you didn’t see

you were very thankful but first of all you were SURPRISED that this man actually saved your life

the man that you hated- saving you?-

lEMME tell you- as cheesy as it is, words really couldn’t describe how you felt

confusion? relief? shock? 

fuck it man, it was all three of them-

as you’re just staring in shock at him, he’ll just act all nonchalant about it 

you just kind of watch him walk away with your mouth wide open and your eyes wide fucking open-

your thoughts on him immediately start to change after that day

and you no longer found yourself disliking him

like you didn’t know exactly when your thoughts on him started to transform but it was somewhere after the incident-

of course, he also clearly changed his attitude after that day too-

like then suddenly he’d stop his teasing?

like, yeah it still happens from time to time now, but like it wasn't as overbearing as before

but then bill actually starts to hang out with you more without actually outwardly teasing you anymore

and you are just completely 

like he’d sit then next to you and after a few moments of silence he starts to talk to you about random stuff

it was awkward and first but then you guy would actually start to talk and you think it’s a miracle

it was slow progress at the beginning but small talk quickly turned into long conversations that were full of laughter

this man who seemed unapproachable and harsh who was actually nothing but a big softie

you slowly warmed up to him and you even found yourself welcoming bill guarnere’s quirks and unique personality

as you opened up to him, he also opened up to you and soon most of your free time was spent talking to him

your relationship grew stronger as the war raged on and you couldn’t help but feel a certain way towards him

like it started with small things, but those small things led to STRONG ASS FEELINGS- i mean, can you imagine?

you started to notice things you haven’t ever noticed before, like how cute his smile was, how nice his voice sounds, or how caring he can actually be-

aND BILL NOTICED THINGS TOO- 

i mean, he already noticed them but bill just started to appreciate and love them even more than before-

like the way your eyes light up when you get excited, when you laugh at his stupid jokes, and when you’re just existing-

bill refuses to admit that he’s getting sappy for you, but he knows that he does-

tension soon builds up between you two guys and its a wonder how easy company hasn’t caught on-

i mean, the longing and adoring looks you cast each other are precious and you wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world

bill wouldn’t also trade anything in the world for those smiles and happy expressions of yours

bill also seemed to be hiding his feelings behind his personality pretty well, but he’s actually struggling-

after a few days of thinking, guarnere just decides that he couldn’t wait anymore and he also decides to shoot his shot

and he’s so GLAD that he did-

things couldn’t have turned out better for the both of you

if you already haven’t ascended when he took your hands into his- then you definitely ascended when he confessed

for someone who had a very bold and brash personality, bill was surprisingly soft spoken and tender during his confession

the confession was short- BUT SWEET! 

you almost died when you heard bill apologize and explain why he treated you so badly when he first met you

you were just in awe at this man. this beautiful, snarky, bastard made your life 10000x better and a world without him was not a good world at all-

immediately you would say how you felt, your hands still in his and you decide to intertwine your fingers with his

bill instantly kissed you as you finished and the warm sensation that you shot straight into heaven and it could only be described as euphoric

even that is still an understatement

when you stopped, bill raises his hands to cup your face and the feeling you got was aSTOUNDING

he just looked at you with such soft eyes that were full of love and you could help but melt

you were still breathless, but you begged for more of his touch

more kisses were shared privately among the two of you, and you wouldn’t want to have it any other way

but believe when i say that easy company had their mouths dROPPED to oblivion when they found out that the two of you were dating-

they had to admit it, you two did make a surprisingly good match and they were living for every single second of it

while you two got off on the wrong foot, you couldn’t be any happier to be with him

you and bill would also sometimes find it impossible that you two even hated each other in the first place

but it was all worth it, because you two ended up in each other’s arms in the end anyway 

and for you and bill, that was all that mattered

----------------------

----------------------

im sorry if i took too long to answer your request but i finally posted it! i really liked writing this and this was just such a nice request!

hopefully you enjoyed these hcs and i also hope that it’s good enough! 💞💞😊

btw im sorry for any mistakes of any kind!

[slashiest-slasher]

So like could I ask for Thomas Hewitt with a breeding kink pretty please? (Love your stuff)

Oh man... I don't exactly have a breeding kink (mostly bc i cant get pregnant), but hoooh, one (1) Thomas Hewitt may do whatever he likes to me.

nsfw fic under cut, fem s/o bc im not a fan of even pretend kinky mpreg

So your new neighbors... They sure are something. Warm, kindly, a bit messed in the head. All ways you could describe them, but it was all a bit more than that. Luda Mae is a strict but motherly woman, and you can respect that. Hoyt is an asshole, but he cares about his family, you can also respect that. Monty's just a poor creep who can't get far in his wheelchair and you're grateful for that. In their trailor, Henrietta is off, but extremely sweet and doting, and Kathryn makes some great tea and is a joy to chat with.

And then there's Thomas. Luda Mae's massive, mysterious son who wore a mask covering the lower half of his face. She snips at you when she catches you staring, saying it's rude and the boy can't help being different. And of course you have to clear up that isn't why you are staring. That Thomas certainly has intense eyes and big, strong arms.

That's when Luda Mae decides to adopt you. You still work over on your dairy farm, but as far as she is concerned, you are always welcome at the Hewitt house, no exception. She even gives you a key to front door.

Maybe it was because there was someone who fancied her son. Maybe it was because she could tell you really didn't care about their dark family secret.

Cannibalism... Well you didn't have any strong feelings either way, so you simply continue on milking cows and hauling hay when you hear screaming from miles away, where their house was. None of your business, really.

When escapees run through your property, it's as simple giving them something to drink to calm them down, then garroting them when they had their back turned. You aren't a fan of having to clean blood off your tile. So you snap their necks and wait for Thomas to come collect the bodies after giving the house a ring.

You don't eat people, but you can't exactly let someone escape and spread news about what the Hewitt's were doing.

And of course, it gives you the perfect opportunity to ogle Thomas' bulky muscles when he hauls them away. Maybe even get him to sit down a moment for some sweet tea or water, since their dead either way. Thomas usually declines, since Hoyt isn't a fan of him taking his sweet time.

But it has been a sweltering day today, and when Thomas stumbles into your kitchen, you can tell it's been a bad day. His shirt's soaked in sweat, it looks like he pulled a muscle, and he is absolutely exhausted. So you offer him a sit down, some sweet tea, and maybe a sandwich.

Which, today, he accepts.

Thomas isn't much of a talker, so you idly chat enough for the both of you. About how the animals and sales are going, and how he has to come and see the calf that just got birthed a few days ago at some point. Thomas just nods and stares.

But today is a day of changes, and what you want to change most of all is how Thomas regards you. Luda Mae has had enough of you tip toeing around how you feel and wants you to confess for Christ sake! She wants to make sure her Tommy's going to be taken care of once she's gone.

So you bat your eyelashes, place a hand on Tommy's arm and ask him if he's seeing anyone.

Which... Okay, it flies right over his head. Clearly, yes, he can see you in front of him. He may be a bit tired from the chase, but his eyes work just fine.

It doesn't even hit him when you sit on the table, and brush his hair from his face and clear up that you're asking if he's dating someone. No, no he's not. You know this, so why are you asking?

He clears his dishes up and goes to living room to get the body, but Jesus Christ you have had enough, so you grab him by the sleeve and tell him that you like him. As in, you wanted to date him, like him.

As in you wanted him to kiss you and fuck you senseless, like you.

Which is when he finally connect two and two, and he jumps back. You? Like him? Of all people? Are you completely sure? Maybe you've just been alone on this farm for too long-

But you tug him forward so he's standing between your spread legs, and run your hands up his body - pausing to grope that meaty chest - and pull him down by his face to kiss you. It's entirely too rough and had too much teeth, but Christ, Thomas jumps right in. His hands shake as they grab you by the waist and pull you closer, one going up to twine in your hair.

You can feel his length get hard and press up against your crotch, and you can't help but rocking your hips and trying to get his fly undone.

Thomas isn't the kind of guy to jump right into things, but this is his first time, and you're so warm and adamant, and make him so... Happy? Is that the right word? No one outside of his family has ever cared for him, and you were always there for the family. One of few people who didn't care. You killed for them.

And now you wanted Thomas to take you up against your kitchen table.

He flips your over, your front pressed down to the table, and pulls your jeans down just enough to get to your pussy. He slips in a finger, to feel how hot and wet you are.

You moan and squirm under his weight when he presses up against your wall, so he adds in another finger and fucks his fingers in and out of you roughly. It leaves you breathless and thrust back against him. Heat surges through your gut when he leans over you, breathing heavily in your ear.

"Thomas," you whine. "I need you, fuck me, please!" Screw extensive foreplay. You could feel how big he was earlier, and you need that in you immediately. And if it's going to hurt, then so be it.

That sets him off, tugging himself out of his pants. He holds his leaking head up to your slit, teasing before thrusting in roughly. It's too big, too much, too fast, but Thomas doesn't care and sets a brutal pace. It's his first time, and he's hitting you in just the right spot, so you can't blame him too much.

"F-fuck, Thomas!" You stutter out, tears welling in the corner of your eyes as you grip your table cloth. The pace he set was brutal, but you don't care.

He wraps his arms around your waist, and makes small noises in your ear. He makes sure to hold you close, and fuck, you can feel all those muscles working.

"O-oh, oh, oh! Fill me up, f-fuck me full of your babies!" It just slips out of your mouth. If that isn't moving too fast, then you don't know what was. Hell, you didn't even want children, but Thomas did things to you. Like wanting him to fuck you hard enough to knock you up.

He pauses for a moment, the words sinking in. And you think he's to going to pull out and head home, but he doesn't. Thomas starts fucking you faster than he was, forceful enough to cause you to choke. His breathing is laboured, and you can hear him trying to moan out something that vaguely sounds like your name.

"C-C'mon Tommy. You're doing me so good," you gasp out a moan as he hits you just right, making your eyes roll back into your head. You can hold off for a little bit, but you're nearly right there. "Fuck! Oh Christ! Cum in me, cum 'til I'm gonna have your kids! Oh! Oh!"

It's that ragged, final thrust, and the feeling of his cum filling you up and spilling out around him that sets out off, sobbing out his name.

Both of you collapse on the table, but Thomas tries to keep himself propped up to avoid crushing you. He doesn't slip you, and keeps pressing forward into you even though he's going soft. When he can no longer keep himself in, a rush of cum follows after.

The sensation of it dripping out of you, down your legs, and pooling around your feet sends shivers down your spine. Thomas holding you open with a finger to watch certainly doesn't help. He rubs a hand along your back, and moves your hair aside to press a kiss to your cheek.

"Y-you go ahead Tommy, I'm going to be here a while," you chuckle, too uncertain to get up on your feet quite yet. "You, sir, have ruined me for any other man. It seems you're stuck with me now."

He makes a warm noise and nuzzles your neck, before standing upright and zipping his pants back up. You walks around before giving you one last kiss, and heads into the living room to get the body.

Christ, you just hope he didn't actually get you pregnant. That'll be one hell of a thing to try and explain to Luda Mae.