#And also I realized that life is meaningless and nothing matters so I might as well post my cunty Reed Wahl fanart fucking why not right

[vaguely-concerned]

Ever since watching The Wire for the first time, my brain has doggedly kept working away at the Especially the lies of it all, and specifically at how much the structure beneath the different stories Garak tells contributes to the overall meaning of what he’s trying to say. While the contradicting narratives of course expertly obscure the factual circumstances of his getting exiled, using them also allows him to tell aspects and facets of the emotional truth I don’t think he ever could have, if he’d simply told the actual story of what happened. (It’s very Varric-core of him honestly.)

The first story — the ‘oh, you think you know me?’ story — says I have done things that would sicken you if you knew any detail of it. It’s clearly meant to scare Bashir away so he’ll leave him to die shamefully in peace already lol. But it’s also one of his (probably much-needed lbr) little lessons to Julian that are so frequent in the beginning, given while Garak still has some hold on himself — “Don’t be so quick to forgive me if you don’t even know what I’ve done; what would you do if this really were the sum total of what I am?” (And Julian seems to surprise him by going ‘Well, exactly the same thing, because no matter who you are I am a doctor. But I sort of take your point.’)

The second story — the letting the orphans go story — says I have failed to smother my soul in its cradle when it was required of me, and I regret that more than anything I’ve done. To my ears this is the one most shot through with active self-loathing too, which is interesting. He’s officially lost the control he’s been clinging to and it’s about to get ugly. His TL;DR is ‘Sentiment is the greatest weakness of all’, even all the way back here. (Which is the one lesson Julian steadfastly refuses to learn, which I think in turn does some serious rearrangement of Garak’s soul over the course of the show haha. Get uno reversed into the process of loving and being loved without shame asshole.)  This is also where he builds up to admitting to having any sort of need for companionship or closeness at all and — so much worse — that Julian’s role in his life actually has fulfilled some of that need, and he’s DRIPPING with defensive venom over it b/c well I get it Garak vulnerability is scary it can take a person like that. 

(I also feel there’s something honest and forbidden in ‘Suddenly the whole exercise seemed utterly meaningless’. I suspect ‘actually… why the fuck are we even doing this???’ is not a welcome sentiment in an Obsidian Order water cooler environment, no matter what you’re saying it about lmao. The very first seeds of him deconstructing the things he’s been taught about Cardassia and his work might be hinted at here, though they of course take a looong time to come to any real fruition.)   

The third story — the ‘Elim was my best friend’ story — says hey, remember that thing you said once, about how sometimes, you have to be loyal to yourself before you can be loyal to anything else? Well. guess what. I couldn’t even be that lmao. It also furthers that thread of being divided from yourself, split, that having ‘Elim’ as a separate person around in all versions of the story brings in. He’s in control of himself again, but he essentially hands his life and soul over to Julian to decide what should be done with them. 

I’ve done horrible things and it finally caught up with me, I’m getting what I deserve → I let sentiment master me and the fact that I’m too weak to do what’s needed of me shames me more than the evil I’ve done → I fucked up. I betrayed myself and everything I held to, all for nothing, and I have no one to blame for it but myself. But it’s very nice that you’re here anyway, Doctor. (Wow. I didn’t realize quite how isolated and lonely that last one was before right now. The way Tain has shaped him really has just… locked him completely into himself, huh.) We can also see a movement through from a completely professional context in the first story, to an intensely interpersonal and internal context in the last one — even his fake stories spiral in towards intimacy, which I think is what he longs for here even if he can’t quite like. Touch that without the stories as a buffer yet, it’s clearly like touching a hot stove for him to interact with it too directly. 

And you know what I find incredibly interesting the whole way through? Even on his deathbed, where he’s dying from the thing Tain had put in his head, he’s protecting Tain. He puts all the blame for where he is on himself (‘My future was limitless, until I threw it away’), even if he has to employ a strange twisty logic where he’s split himself into two to do it. Don’t get me wrong, Garak has done horrific things all on his own haha, but it’s notable that he almost isolates Tain from that. ‘Tain was the Obsidian Order. Not even the Central Command dared challenge him. And I was his right hand.’ Tain in Garak’s stories is this infallible implacable weirdly distant figure, even now. Indeed, as will make a lot of sense with the revelations further down the line, more than anything it seems the gaze of an abused child desperate for recognition looking up at an idealized (if not in any way nurturing) parent.‘He was retired at that point; he couldn't protect me’, Garak says, as if what he’d need protection from in the first place isn’t Tain himself lmao, as if Tain had no active part in any of this. He never lets blame touch Tain at all. At this stage he would rather consider himself a broken flawed tool than accept that the hands that have wrought and wielded him have ever had any fault in them. AND in the middle of it all, with plausible deniability, on death’s door and knocking meekly to be let in before he must finish the mortifying ordeal of being known and test the even more daunting possibility of being loved, Garak at the same time manages to drop the breadcrumb trail of clues to make it possible for Julian to find Tain if he so chooses and gets in the ‘sons of Tain’ thing too for future dramatic irony purposes. Truly he is the Michelangelo of lying. Every falsehood a multifaceted masterpiece. Elim ‘achieving a state of intertextuality in real life is possible if you work hard and believe in yourself’ Garak. I love him so much. 

I think all of this is why “I forgive you. For whatever it is you did,” works so well, because it too works on a structural level. It’s such a deceptively multilayered response — it has the syntax of a joke, in a way, and it is kind of funny even under the circumstances, but delivered with such earnest warmth and fondness. It’s both recognition and acceptance (forgiveness!). It’s saying ‘I finally understand enough of what you’re trying to tell me beneath and through all that, in whatever way you’re capable of, I see you’ and ‘my answer hasn’t changed (bitch)’. The forgiveness Julian offers here is complete — on principle, and out of personal feeling and empathy (only one of which Garak deigns to respond to during the second story, where he calls it ‘smug Federation sympathy’, placing it more completely on the principle side than it probably is. ‘Dude you’re my friend please don’t just lie down and die in a completely avoidable way on me, who else is going to not only tolerate but actually gleefully enjoy me being annoying as fuck over lunch’ seems to be the subtext that’s a lot harder to acknowledge and invite in for both of them. And yet Tain seems perfectly clear on the fact that Julian is Garak’s friend, which, y’know. Must be fun living with the knowledge that Tain has eyes everywhere looming over you every day haha guess you’d just have to tune that out.) 

Most of all — ’Don’t give up on me now, Doctor’... and he didn’t! He didn’t. Augh. Ow.

[let-donnie-say-fuck]

I'm obsessed with the Splinter/Superfly parallel by the way. I saw that movie months ago and it's still in my brain. That was done so well.

They both had the same experience; the protector failed to protect his family, and decided to never let it happen again. But the main difference between them is their emotions behind the decision they both made; for Splinter, it was fear. For Superfly, it was anger. That one difference grew into how they approached the same problem. Splinter decided that a life hidden and careful was better for his boys overall, and he didn't try to force the world to change. Superfly decided that a life hidden was meaningless, and his family deserved the same life as everyone else, which he would make happen no matter what.

I think it also says a lot that Superfly turned on his family to complete his plan. It cemented that even if his hatred for the human world started out of love for his family, that's ultimately not what it ended up being. Superfly was angry and wanted revenge on the world that slighted him, and in the end it was very clear he did so for him alone. It wasn't for his family anymore.

Splinter brought up that he didn't want to be like Superfly because he saw himself in him. They even said the exact same thing, though the circumstances were reversed; "the only way for you to be safe and happy is to listen to me". Splinter said it when he rescued his boys. Superfly said it when he was actively hurting his family. I think that's when Splinter realized he was hurting his boys by keeping them hidden; he wasn't as bad as Superfly was to his own family, but Splinter was still doing them a disservice. And that's when he decided to put his biases and fear aside for his boys' happiness. "I want humans to like you because you want humans to like you."

IDK this might be a whole lot of nothing but that character parallel really stood out to me lol

[cosmicjoke]

I want to talk about these panels, and particularly, how we see undermined here the notion that Kenny somehow instilled in Levi his belief in life's value.

These panels actually show us the opposite. Kenny says to Levi "Because we found out how meaningless our sad little lives really were."

Kenny flat out says here that he considers life meaningless, and his wording infers that he tried to impart this belief to Levi as well, by including him in the sentence. He says "we found out..."

He then says "But, something saved us. We found somethin' we wanted to do. It's simple. Simple, but true. Hobbies make life worth living."

And here Kenny is talking about dreams again, and how it's the motive of our personal dreams that keeps us going, that gives us a reason to want to keep living, even if life itself is meaningless. He underscores his low opinion of life's worth in general by casually comparing it to the idea of "hobbies", as if life's value is only equal to what activities we engage in to occupy our time when bored. This doesn't denote someone who finds life itself to be inherently worthwhile or innately worth living.

This is the exact opposite of Levi, and that's highlighted here by Levi's disbelieving reaction to Kenny's words. He says "Hobbies? So is blowing my soldiers' heads off one of your hobbies?"

Levi is disgusted by Kenny equating life's worth to something as inconsequential and frivolous as "hobbies". To Levi, life is, in and of itself, inherently valuable, and more than that, it's the one thing he values above all else. People's lives are what motivates him to fight. The desire to safeguard and preserve those lives. To protect them and prove their worth.

Kenny compares them again, saying Levi also kills if it "benefits" him, and Levi agrees, saying "Yeah.". But Kenny killed Levi's soldiers to get him closer to his own, personal dream of supreme power, while Levi killed members of Kenny's squad to protect the lives of his own comrades and himself. Kenny treated the members of Levi's squad like they were minor inconveniences in the way of him realizing his dream, which is where Levi's disgust also comes from, the casual and easy way in which Kenny took their lives, and how he then compared those lives worth to something as pointless as a hobby, easily disposed of because they weren't worth more than his dream to begin with. Because the thing is, Levi doesn't have a dream. There's no intangible and distant goal or desire he looks toward to keep him going, nothing he wants personally for himself. His only goal is to keep people alive, and barring that, to fight for their dreams, to make sure they at least don't die without reason, as a way to prove the worth of those lives. Levi is operating from the opposite stance that Kenny is, that being a belief that life is more valuable than anything, and that it doesn't need a reason or an explanation or an excuse to justify its existence. Just life in itself is what matters, is what's worthwhile and important.

The contrast between the way Levi regards life and the way Kenny regards life is fully expressed and demonstrated through this exchange, and the entire battle between Levi and Kenny's squad.

Kenny clearly didn't teach Levi to value life. He taught Levi to be selfish and greedy and to dispose of anyone who might get in the way of his personal desires. He taught Levi that life is hardly worth the distraction we derive from personal hobbies, that indeed, those hobbies are the only reason we have to go on living, implying the rest of it is pointless and without value or merit of any kind. Kenny would have demonstrated this to Levi too in the way he always so casually took others lives and in the way he taught Levi to do the same.

And yet, we see Levi defy this belief again and again, we see him defy this lesson imparted to him by Kenny again and again, by fighting so ardently for life and its preservation, to no, real benefit of his own, for no fulfillment of a personal dream, but simply for the sake of the people he's fighting for. For the lives of the people.

As I've said multiple times, it's really despite the way in which Kenny raised him that Levi ended up valuing life so much, not because of it.

[4dkellysworld]

she eventually had to do what her teacher ada did as well

She did all she could,just as you and other bloggers are doing

There's only so much to point to,you can't do it for people,you can only point to the direction

But do not put her on a pedestal,she manged to realize herself with a couple of posts,why can't you?

That's the reason she left probably,that we stop seeking for validation and look within

Stop accusing other bloggers as well

Even If someone is hypothetically saying something mean,just let them?why does it matter?is their ego made of gold and therefore meaning more than the others? it's meaningless .have you learned nothing from her?...

Just look within

Thank you Kelly for keeping her posts,I really appreciate it❤️

Exactly. For those who genuinely want to know their Self deeply and completely, forget about what others are/might be saying, forget what's going on around you. It can be easy to get caught up in the noise but don't bother with it, it's all maya. Just stick with your chosen teacher (preferably one that you trust is fully realized like Lester, Robert, Nisargadatta, Siddharameshwar and that you resonate with) and forget about everything else.

Here's some words from Robert Adams that may be relevant:

You say you want to become free. You say you wish to awaken, become liberated, why does it take so long? Why do I have to go through this life? And go through all the various things that I go through? Take an honest look at yourself. Do you have humility? Do you have compassion? Do you have love? Or do you have anger, fear, hatred? You have to honestly take a good look at your life. See the kind of life you've been living. What are your beliefs? What do you feel about the world, the universe, your self? 1

Now, if you really want to make progress, you will drop everything mentally. I’m referring to mentally letting go of your reactions to whatever is going on in your body and the world. Leave the world alone. Leave people alone. Do not try to change people. Or to make them see your point of view. There is no point of view. Every point of view is wrong. We want to get rid of points of view. 2

If you’d only learn to sit still, to be quiet, to stop reacting to the universe, to the world, to the situations, to life. We have names for everything. What if we forgot about those names? And we stopped seeing things as something? What if we just observed things, watched things, without giving them a name, without coming to a conclusion? What do you think would happen? You would transcend everything. 3

You’re trying to correct something. You’re trying to become something. You’re trying to do something. And something does not exist. Also, what you’re trying to correct does not exist. What you’re trying to change does not exist. You get nowhere. This is why I tell you so often, leave everything alone. Have no opinion for or against. Do not be judgmental. Be nothing and you’ll be everything. The only thing that you should do or must do, is not to be in conflict with anything. Do not be in conflict with anyone or anything. When you’re not in conflict with anything, the mind begins to surrender itself and goes back into the Heart, and you become your Self. 4

The water in the mirage, that is maya; something that appears to be real, but upon investigation you find it's not. The whole world is like that. The whole universe is like that. Do not be fooled again. Do not take anything seriously. Turn within. Do not react. And vehemently make up your mind to go deeper this time, and not get lost in maya again. 5 I am saying continue what you're doing but mentally give up everything. Mentally do not become attached to things by fearing them or loving them or doing anything to them at all. You observe the world and your affairs. You watch what is happening to you. 1

[seventh7crow]

crazy rant about something that's been rotting my brain, but if D&D really wanted to cut the show short, why didn't they let the Night King win?

i am definitely not one for nihilistic, sad and everything bad endings, but letting the Night King win would have been a much more majestic way to end up the show, or to at least cut it short until someone else wanted to take over. i'll explain, because probably nobody is agreeing with me, but that's what Tumblr is for.

first of all, i have to say that i fucking pray all the time for George R. R. Martin not to choose something like this as an ending for the books, because i do not think it truly goes with the full message of the story, but let's get going.

as far as i know, the whole deal with the show's ending it's that the writers wanted to do other stuff, and therefore stopped caring, doing stupid choices and blaming it on “subverting expectations”. however, if they truly wanted that… why didn't they let the evil win?

of course, it would have been the most unexpected choice, but also much easier for their lazy asses: most of the plots could have been let unfinished (because, well, you don't have much time to complete your character arc when there's a fucking ice zombie apocalypse) and the writers would only have to make sure that certain things remained making sense until the end. and by those things i mean people not respawning suddenly (ehem, the dothrakis) or teleporting from place to place.

only a bit more of information about the Night King would have been needed: put revenge as the motion of all of it, or better, make it seem like it is at first and show us the truth behind it. show how the Night King once was a victim of that famous “wheel” Daenerys once talked about: the children of the forest and the first men fought, and so they condemned the Night King forever, so now he wants to destroy the wheel. imagine he thinks of himself as a savior too: peace beyond the grave, every single soul united in one big will without no other intention to interfere.

imagine we learn how his plan has evolved: at first, he only wanted everyone to suffer the same cruel fate he once experimented. but then we discover how he came to learn to see a future after death. one that it's better, one that it is more fair. one without wars, or hunger, or pain, or even seasons to interfere: nothing more than a peaceful, long night.

we learn this through Bran, and we resonate with his motives thanks to Jon, through whom we discover that there's nothing after life if it's not for the Night King's plan.

some of our heroes' faith wavers, and maybe we even see some men and women willingly switch their sides, ergo, kill themselves. fighting to death for the aftermath to be totally empty? why not choose a peaceful, everlasting afterlife?

however, we see the strong will of most of the characters to remain alive: the freedom of one's soul and all the things that it brings us, such as love itself. they realize all the many reasons there are to, well, decide not to “live” as a meaningless zombie forever.

but at the end, no matter how much they fight, the white walkers take over the whole place, killing everyone and growing in number. some lose their will and let themselves die, some fight to the end, but the Long Night comes and nothing but snow is left behind.

in my version of these events, only the dragons survive (maybe someone might think about some characters making it out, and it could be cool, but in my version all of them die). with ice symbolizing death and fire life, they are the only remaining beings full of it to escape the doom. Rhaegal, Viserion and Drogon arrive Essos, where people are confused about the radio silence from Westeros. after many years, some of Essos' most curious minds decide to explore what happened, possibly even sending grayscale infected as test drives, confused about why the dragons do not want to travel back to Westeros.

like that, the Song of Ice and Fire is told to the following generations: a story about a war between life and death where unfortunately the latter stressed on its inevitability. “Valar Morghulis” or “all men must die” it's repeated more than ever, gaining a new meaning when people popularize newer doctrines where it is key to accept death as part of live. at the end of the day, if they remain uncertain of the consequences of not embracing it, they can always visit the ruins of the forgotten continent of Westeros to see the undeath roaming the land.

well this was just a silly little idea, to be honest, so don't mind me too much. however, even this stupidity would have made more sense that the actual Game of Thrones ending. i feel it would have been cool to see sacrifices such as people deciding to “stay behind” to burn the bodies and ensure their loved ones didn't turn into white walkers, risking themselves to become “others” as well. it would have also been great to see the last images of Westeros be the Essosi people arriving to a frozen landscape. maybe the only survivors could have been some remaining children of the forest.

at the end, it all would have been more cathartic. no less controversial than the actual ending, but i feel like it would have made more sense? i don't know, i just hope you all like the idea, or at least that you find it interesting!

[voicesfromnowhere]

Day 1 - D&D - @hellcheerweek

Read on AO3

Rated M for suggestive thoughts, nothing explicit

———

Chrissy could hardly focus on what she was doing today. It was another hot, sticky summer in Hawkins, her last one before college started in the fall, and she had chosen to spend it as a lifeguard. It made the most sense to her. Summers were hot, pools were cool. What she failed to think about when applying was that she would actually be sitting under an umbrella all day instead of swimming, but at least she got a nice tan out of the deal. Most days at the pool were pretty boring. That was how she currently found herself sitting under an umbrella, endlessly daydreaming about her boyfriend.

Her and Eddie Munson had finally become an official item to everyone in Hawkins during their last week of high school. It had been satisfying to watch Jason and her mother’s faces twist in horror at the revelation. At that point though, she couldn’t care less what they thought of her and Eddie. Their friendship had blossomed over the months she’d tutored him, the tension between them palpable and thick once she’d broken up with Jason. Looking back, it had only been a matter of time. Chrissy was pretty sure the month since then had been the best one of her life. Jason was out of the picture and her mother’s attempts at control were finally just meaningless noise in Chrissy’s ears.

She was grateful for that last bit of change in her life, especially when Chrissy had decided to take basic courses at the community college in the next town over. Her mother hated it, but Chrissy had realized that going out of state for college had been Jason’s dream and she’d just always gone along with him. But now, she wanted time to be here with Eddie and figure out what her life looked like together with him. She was pretty sure she’d never seen her mother get so red with anger before, but Chrissy simply didn’t care anymore. She might have been terrifying six months ago, but now that Chrissy stopped giving her mother the satisfaction of winning their arguments, it didn’t matter. Chrissy finally knew what her priorities were and she wasn’t going to waste her time bowing down to her mother’s whims.

A whistle blew, pulling Chrissy from her reminiscing and signaling a shift change. Glancing at her watch, Chrissy was glad the time had flown by today. After thanking Heather and wishing her luck on the next shift, she went back to the locker room to change. Chrissy’s heart began to race again and she was excited that Eddie was picking her up. Today was the day she got to sit in on one of his Dungeons and Dragons games and the anticipation was killing her. Chrissy had wanted to watch Eddie play for a few weeks now. When she’d asked, he’d become surprisingly bashful.

“Come on sweetheart,” Eddie had told her. “You don’t have to come watch if you don’t really want to.”

“No! I really do! I don’t think I want to play right now, but I want to see you doing something you love!” Putting on her best pouty face, she’d grabbed Eddie’s arm and forced his attention onto her. “Please Eddie? You got to watch me at the last few pep rallies.”

“True, but you also came to see me play at the Hideout so I think we’re even. Besides, I don’t even know when we’re meeting since it’s summer.” He had clearly been buckling under the pressure of her cuteness and Chrissy knew she had the upper hand, no matter what he said.

“Just promise you’ll tell me if you do? I don’t want to miss it Eddie.” She’d punctuated her request with a small peck to Eddie’s lips, surprising him. Taking her chance, she leaned in to whisper gently in his ear. “After all, didn’t you say you’d do anything for me?” She knew she was playing dirty by whispering words he’d told her from when it was just the two of them alone in his bed, but Chrissy didn’t care. She wanted to know everything about Eddie. Even if she never played a game of Dungeons and Dragons in her life, she wanted to support him and have fun with him. The look on Eddie’s face anytime he’d mentioned it before was brilliant and made his eyes light up, even if he’d never admit it. Chrissy was dying to know why. It was sometimes startling to realize how quickly she had fallen head over heels for Eddie, but at the same time, everything about him felt good and right.

And then, earlier this week, Eddie had told her the news that they were going to be playing something called a one shot campaign. Some of the younger members had a friend and his sister visiting from out of town for summer break. Apparently, he loved D&D too and wanted to play with Eddie after hearing his friends talk about him so much. When Eddie had told her, Chrissy squealed with excitement. It’d made him chuckle and tease her about being so excited to just watch a game she wasn’t even going to play. She’d rolled her eyes right back at him, informing him that she had been a cheerleader so that was basically what she was best at. And so, plans were made and today was the day.

Chrissy finished changing, tucking her swimsuit into her duffle bag that she now took back and forth to work. She practically bounced out of the locker room and to the front gate of the community pool. Sure enough, a familiar van was waiting for her with a tall, lean, man propped up against it. He may have looked intimidating to others, but to Chrissy he looked, well to put it bluntly, he looked hot. Eddie didn’t know it, but sometimes he would take her breath away. She knew if she ever admitted it to him, he would tease her endlessly for it and his ego would inflate to the size of Indiana.

When he spotted her coming towards him, she saw his eyes light up as he shot her a smirk that melted her heart. She stopped just short of him, pressing herself up on the tips of her toes to place a small kiss to the underside of his jaw. Eddie threw an arm around her and began walking her to the passenger side of the van.

“Miss me that much sweetheart?” he teased. Chrissy wrapped her arm around his waist, underneath his jacket so she could feel the warmth that always came off of him.

“You know why I’m so excited. I could hardly focus on the pool today since I was thinking about the game.” They stopped, Eddie chuckling as he opened the door for her. He gently helped her up into the car, throwing out his obligatory “m’lady” as she stepped up and in. As he walked around, a question popped into Chrissy’s mind and as soon as he got in, she innocently asked him.

“Why are you so hesitant about me watching you play? Do you really think I won’t like it?” The thought made her a little sad and that mood tainted her question. Even if the game ended up not being her thing, she still wanted to understand Eddie’s hobbies and passions. He knew that she was athletic and enjoyed going on walks or just being outdoors. He knew that she loved exploring new music with him and going shopping, even if he hated the last activity. But Eddie had still made the effort over the last month to really learn about her now that they were together and she’d happily shared it all with him. So Chrissy couldn’t lie. When she thought about how him not wanting to share something with her, it hurt a little bit.

Eddie sat in the drivers seat, clearly confused by the sudden shift in her mood with that question. She glanced up at him, eyes probably looking like a sad puppy and saw him panic just a bit.

“Chrissy no, it’s not that I swear.” His hand ran through his hair, making the tangled mess even more tangled. “Shit, I… I messed up huh?” He let out an exasperated breath before turning to face her. “I never wanted you to think I didn’t want you there. It’s just… well, it’s just weird knowing that someone like you wants to be there and it’s been throwing me off. That’s all. Just my dumb brain overthinking, I guess?”

“Someone like me?” Chrissy felt her eyebrows furrow at the comment. “What do you mean? So, you do want me there?”

“God, of course I want you there sweetheart.” Eddie grabbed her small hands in his and rubbed circles on them. “How do I even explain this? Hellfire has always been on the outskirts of what’s cool at Hawkins. If someone wanted to join, then they already knew what it was all about. They just… joined. End of story.” He looked up at her with a mix of apology and bashfulness in his gaze. “Nobody has ever been excited or interested to learn about it before so it just feels weird to me. It’s this hobby that’s always been seen as awful and I’ve always had to just deflect to get people off my back. Look, I’m sorry if it seemed like I didn’t want you there.”

Chrissy listened intently as he opened up. They were both surprisingly good at doing that with each other. The comfort they shared was another reason she thought she had fallen in love with him so quickly, even if she was still too scared to say it out loud.

“It’s okay,” she murmured as she placed a chaste kiss on his lips. “That actually makes a lot of sense now that you put it that way. But I love learning about the things you like, so I promise I’m super excited.” Eddie smiled again, returning her kiss with one of his own.

“Well, then who am I to keep a pretty lady waiting?” He turned to face forward, putting the car in drive and holding one of her hands in his as they drove off towards Hawkins High. The drive was short and Chrissy spent the ride asking Eddie small questions about what they were going to be doing. He explained a little bit, mentioning that today’s game would just be a one and done kind of story. He told her it would be almost like a long movie that gets played out, where the heroes start in some small town and work their way up to defeating a big bad villain in the end. She’d nodded her head, understanding the concept, but still not sure how they would exactly pull that off. She also asked Eddie what he would be doing in all of this. He mentioned that he would be a narrator of sorts, keeping everyone on track and then also playing as any monsters or bad guys that came up in their journey. Again, Chrissy just nodded, her brain deep in thought about what this would all look like but also drowning in excitement as she watched how animated Eddie was just by talking about tonight. They pulled into the school parking lot around three o’clock and she noticed that there were no other cars there. Chrissy asked where everyone was and Eddie smiled what she could only describe as a wicked smile.

“Oh we’re here early to help set the mood.” He chuckled darkly as he spoke and it made Chrissy flush with the ideas that statement brought to her mind, none appropriate in a school setting. They’d only been graduates for a month but it still felt odd to be back. The halls were empty and it was pretty spooky if Chrissy thought about it too much. But instead of lingering in the halls, Eddie took her hand and led her to the abandoned stage in the auditorium, the curtains drawn. She wondered where they met exactly, realizing she’d never asked. Her question was soon answered as Eddie led her into the backstage area. He flipped the lights on leaving the curtains drawn and pulled her over to a storage closet. The closet turned out to be packed with a table, chairs, candles and even a hand made Hellfire Club sign.

“This sign is amazing! Where did you get it?” Chrissy was amazed at the detail and it looked like someone had spent a lot of time making it.

“That would uh… that’d be me.” Eddie murmured bashfully. He tried to busy himself but Chrissy kept piling praise onto him.

“You made this? Eddie this is amazing!” Chrissy gently peered over, entering his line of sight and forcing him to look at her. It really was amazing how much talent Eddie had at things that weren’t English, Spanish, or Biology. Anything school related was a struggle for him, but he was so practical and smart in other ways that surprised Chrissy constantly. It left her in awe of him when she discovered yet another thing he was good at.

“I just got bored in wood shop a couple years ago,” he mumbled. Seeing him squirm made Chrissy realize that he might not get too many positive comments flung his way all the time. It was clearly hard for him to accept and it made Chrissy’s heart ache for him. She wanted him to know just how loved he was and make sure he knew he was worth it. She gently placed the sign down and silently entered his space. Taking the decor out of Eddie’s hands without a word, she eventually cleared enough space in his arms to place herself there. She wrapped her arms around his waist, wanting nothing than to show him the love she was feeling in that moment. Glancing up, her chin on his chest, she felt her heart swell with pride and her face smile gently at him.

“If that’s what you can make when you’re bored, I can’t imagine what you’d make if you really put your mind to it.” As she spoke, Eddie’s eyes widened and his fingers resting at the base of her spine began fidgeting with the hem of her shirt nervously. Chrissy found it adorable.

“If you wanted me to make you something, I’d do it in a heartbeat sweetheart.” He chuckled, his fingers now rubbing circles into her shirt.

“I’ll take a rain check for when I really need it then.” Chrissy placed a kiss to his shirt, right above his heart. “Now, where do we put all of this stuff anyway?”

———

They fell into a rhythm of setting things up, and in about half an hour, everything had been set up for their campaign. Chrissy was still amazed by “The Throne” as Eddie called it dramatically. She’d laughed when he had waved his arms out wildly and told her that it was sacred in all ways and that only the mightiest of Dungeon Masters could sit upon it. They had barely finished setting up before the rest of the club arrived. They all gave her a quick hello before setting their own materials up at the table. It was a flurry of prep and excitement and eventually Chrissy recognized that the new boy was Will Byers, the boy who’d disappeared a few years back. He was older and taller but still had the same haircut from the missing posters she remembered seeing all over town.

“Gentlemen, Lady Applejack, and beautiful spectators,” Eddie excitedly called out over the conversations they were all having. “The time has come for todays journey to begin.” Chrissy was immediately zeroed in on how charismatic Eddie was. Just him calling everyone to attention was magnetic and Chrissy wanted nothing more than to watch him speak for the next five hours. Luckily, that was exactly what she was going to do.

Over the course of the next few hours, Chrissy easily followed the story that was laid out for the party. It was a simple task but the interactions and choices made by everyone made things layered and complex in the best way. It was intimidating at times, but Chrissy genuinely enjoyed watching. She clapped at everyone’s successes, gasped when something heart wrenching happened, and laughed when Eddie made the best voices and dialogue, drawing them into the world he’d created. Yet again, he surprised her with how stunning and brilliant his mind was. He really didn’t give himself enough credit. Soon, the party was coming to their final destination. The house of baron who was oppressing the town he ruled over. Throughout the campaign, the party had decided that he was probably possessed and it was finally time to drive out whatever was causing the problem and help the townspeople. But eventually, Eddie revealed the true answer to the baron’s madness.

“As you enter the foyer of the baron’s mansion, you see that it was once a grand sight to behold, but now is in extreme disrepair,” Eddie narrated while Chrissy watched him, rapt. “But as the baron comes from the shadows, you hear his voice, dark and sinister, ‘Who dares to disturb me in my home?’. How do you respond?”

Will spoke, his voice clear and true. “Humble adventurers are we, seeking to help the town that is suffering under your watchful eye. Is all well with you sir? May we be of any assistance?”

Eddie chuckled darkly, crawling upon “The Throne” to perch on its ornate arm. Chrissy was unexpectedly pulled from the story by this, feeling her heart sputter and heat rise to her cheeks. Seeing Eddie like this was having an affect on her that she hadn’t quite anticipated. His dark, unforgiving tone and the look in his eyes made her unconsciously rub her thighs together, heat pooling between them, and she couldn’t look away or even feel ashamed, despite there being others present.

“The baron finally steps into a sliver of moonlight as he speaks. ‘How dare you insinuate that my town suffers! You all have been a nuisance, thwarting my plans at every turn and ruining any chance I once had at raising an army of undead. For that, you shall pay!’ Finally, in the moonlight, you see his features pale and twisted, eyes blood red, but most importantly, the fangs that protrude from where human teeth once sat!”

Eddie laughed maniacally as cries of defiance rang out from the party. Chrissy found herself also shocked, reacting with everyone else but her body was still distracting her as she watched Eddie’s form. He was practically vibrating with excited energy and the way his eyes darkened when he spoke shocked Chrissy and made her brain wonder if he would ever whisper in her ear that way when they were alone. Shaking her head to try and clear her thoughts for the final battle, he took a glance at her, gauging her reaction. Even though she told her face to smile, her eyes and flushed features must have told a different story. His eyebrows raised only a hair before darkening once again, grinning like a panther stalking its prey. Chrissy felt herself burning up and broke his gaze, looking over to the party and focusing on their planning.

After a hard fought battle with fallen allies, Will the Wise stuck the killing blow to the baron turned vampire, freeing the town from tyranny and the undead. Everyone stood and cheered, Chrissy included. Watching everything unfold had been riveting and she couldn’t wait to give Eddie a nice big “I told you so” later on. She’d loved every second of the adventure and was riding the high of a campaign well won while everyone packed up. Another half hour later and the party was all safely heading home, leaving Chrissy and Eddie to pack up the supplies they’d taken out earlier in the day.

An odd silence had fallen over the two of them as they worked to clean the table of the remaining snacks and drinks left behind. Chrissy moved to the head of the table, in front of “The Throne” working her way around to wipe things off. Her mind wandered again to seeing and hearing Eddie earlier and let herself indulge in the fantasy just a bit now that everyone was gone.

“Pretty sure it doesn’t take two minutes to clean that one spot sweetheart.” She jumped as Eddie’s voice murmured in her ear, his arms wrapping around her waist. “Something on your mind?” Chrissy felt her cheeks flare yet again with heat and she felt a now familiar flutter in her stomach as she replied.

“No,” she heard her voice crack and internally winced at it. Eddie chuckled in her ear as he ran his hands along her sides, a delicious shiver running up Chrissy’s spine.

“I don’t think you’re being honest with me Chrissy.” As he spoke in the voice from the end of the campaign, she realized she’d been caught. He knew exactly what had been going on with her and it made her flush and squirm in his arms. He moved both of them to sit back into “The Throne”, Eddie maneuvering her so she landed on his lap. Immediately, Chrissy could feel the hard want pressing into her thigh as she sat on top of him, and it made her embarrassment ease, but only slightly. Her eyebrows shot up as she looked up at him through her lashes with the big doe eyes she knew he couldn’t handle. She let a small smirk grace the side of her mouth as she replied.

“Should I roll for initiative then?”

[amyriadfthings]

[Cleaned up a little night rant turned essay and reposting]

God, just rewatching ep 2 and it´s so crazy to see the difference in power Wille can wield around school compared to the court, like making August call him Crown Prince, and challenge him whenever he pleases, while the larger institution of the royal family represented by Jan-Olof can just move in from one moment to the next and physically take him out of school. (The way the headmistress just says goodbye to him at the start, like it´s a decided fact while Wille doesn´t even know what´s happening yet.. wow.)

(It´s also quiete unnerving to see how Jan-Olof continues to correctly address Wille with his title while mercilessly ordering him to get ready to leave or bluntly tell him he can´t just issue threats. How Jan-Olof politely asks Malin if she could please... not even saying the actual words, but let´s close the door so nobody sees.

How cold the court seems, cruel behind that appearance of meaningless politeness.)

The absolute shock value that has, to see Wille so powerless, after what we´ve seen him do to August up to this point. And to realize that that´s what they want Wille to know and feel, too.

Sure, he prevails and stays, but they demonstrate to him they absolutely can and will do this to him. That his presence at school, where his life is, is fragile. That there is no regard for his autonomy whatsoever. At the beginning of ep 2 that´s now an established truth. He´s nothing in the big machine but a cog that has to do its job or otherwise be removed or hammered into shape, and they make it clear to him in a way that I can´t even imagine experiencing as a 16-yr-old kid and then just continue interacting on a semi-functional level with your family.

(And you´re also made aware Wille´s power over August that´s been so satisfying to watch means nothing in the big picture since August is himself just another cog in that big machine.)

But that´s not even all. Because then the phone call happens and the machine shifts into next gear.

Jan-Olof tells him (orders him) to talk to his mom (no, the queen) and you might wonder if it wasn´t the plan all along to just scare Wille into submission. And then you realize, yeah, that was probably the plan.

Because the way the queen then talks to him in that phone call, absolutely unaffected, sounds an awful lot like she´s gaslighting Wille into making him feel unreasonable: After all, he´d issued the threat against the court, so naturally this would be the consequence.

Wille, meanwhile, is literally sitting on the floor after having been tackled by Malin, holding shards of glass in his hand, and visibly numb.

And his mom, the queen, tells him matter-of-factly that Wille fully well knows "Jan-Olof is only called in when it´s absolutely necessary", so he did this to himself.

The sympathetic tone of her voice is making me nauseous and almost scared for Wille there.

The way she effortlessly moves from soft, apparent understanding of his grief that she suddenly brings up (after he just flashed back to a memory with Erik and in the remaining sharp fragments of which he´s now sitting) and implies what was just done to him moments earlier was a result of his grieving, a punishment he must receive for acting out, which he is surely just doing out of grief and no other reason, is just masterful and chilling.

Again, the levels of manipulation, of first telling him what he feels and then suggesting that his action must be from those feelings and also that he has now been punished for them are stunning.

Then the queen has the audacity to tell Wille his parents love him for who he is. The queen is conducting this phone call while on a plane, doing business. This phone call is business.

She is telling Wille she wants him to be able to come out on his own terms, and I´m getting whiplash from listening to her saying he´s not mature enough for that, after she almost had him, this, her 16-yr-old kid physically dragged from school.

She tells him that he has to manage his outbursts after the (controlled, deliberate) outburst we just watched being afflicted on him. Oh, and whoever they choose to let into the machine (Simon) must of course also accept the way things are handled, and submit. All of this is said in a parental soothing voice.

Then the queen adds it would have been "misconduct" if she "didn´t act" after what Wille said, directly telling her son that all of what just happened was her. And again making it sound like she didn´t have a choice because of his behaviour.

This scene is unbelievable on rewatching.

The way they then start to negotiate. Negotiate. Making it even more obvious this was a game move to make Wille do what she wants.

But also, and I´m just realizing more things as I write, it doesn´t even seem hard or unnatural for the queen, just like the whole interaction hasn´t been, nor unusual for them to get to this point of where they negotiate.

Wille seems to fall into the dynamic naturally, too, as numb as he is.

So much of this scene looks and sounds like internalized, normal behaviour on the queen´s part just because of the easy flow of it. And Wille has been subjected to it his whole life. There is NEVER going to be a separation of queen and mom no matter how much Wille pleads for there to be. Because clearly, those are not separate entities that exist in the queen.

(Jesus, Wille, how are you even semi-normal? My gratitude for Boris is growing by the minute and I was already so happy about the therapy. The fact that the queen honestly wants Wille to go to therapy, too, fits the idea that this was her natural response and she wasn´t being extra cruel in any of this interaction. Or maybe it just doesn´t even matter. There are no separating lines anyway.)

By the end of the scene you´ve come to the painful realization that the court=the queen, and this season are not playing around getting their messages across, and it´s honestly brutal to watch. I know I didn´t even fully took all of this in on my first viewing.

But now, rewatching it again and seeing Wille by the end of that phone call negotiate with his mom for his life and level of participation in his role as he´s sitting on the floor in that glass and holding on to the shards and poking at them defiantly, and seeing the queen roll her eyes as she hangs up, hits you with the power of an anvil after already breaking your heart, and I´m kind of in shock.

[terra-feminarum]

You are very wise so I want to vent a problem I have with radical feminism to you. I’ve been a radfem for roughly 2 years now. Now when I’ve learnt a lot about radical feminism (reading books etc…) I desperately want to go back to not knowing about all the misogyny. Being unaware to the extent of misogyny didn’t mean I wasn’t experiencing it. But now when I’m aware I still experience it while also seeing it but not being able to stop it. In the beginning it was a relief to be able to have what I was experiencing explained to me. Now? I miss the days when at least I didn’t have to be aware and could enjoy male attention, makeup, learning about history, video games, music, etc… without seeing and understanding the misogyny behind all of it. I would relish in being the centre of attention of men, it would make me feel very powerful and good about myself. Now I know that attention is meaningless and they don’t look at me as an intimidating beautiful woman… just an object to fuck. I never were powerful, no matter how attractive I looked.

I feel like all radical feminism has given me is the language and knowledge about my oppression. And that is something that is of value to me. But it also took so much away from me that just haven’t been replaced. I know what Andrea Dworkin said about this phenomenon so I know it’s not just me but that doesn’t change anything, I’m still struggling to enjoy things.

It’s not like I’m doomscrolling on tumblr all the time or don’t engage in other types of literature, it’s just that what I’ve learnt sticks with me and I see the world in a feminist lens. Still I just want to go back to the time when I were able to enjoy some parts of my oppression. I know that’s a bit pathetic but that’s how it feels… I’m exhausted and I just want to live an enjoyable easier life. But I cant. I cant forget about the suffering of women and about the true nature of men and how they see me. What should I do?

Sorry if this sounds a bit ramblish I don’t know how to formulate these thoughts and my English is a bit bad.

Thank you for your message. English isn't my mother's tongue either so I don't notice your English being bad, the only thing that matters is that we can understand each other well enough and I think I get what you're saying.

You didn't say whether you are straight but I assume you are attracted to men. Being attracted to women comes with it own hardships but I can't imagine what it's like to be attracted to men while living in a patriarchy. After all, you can't choose who you are attracted to, and your animal brain was wired to expect better of men than what they are capable right now.

What I read from your message is that you feel powerless. And I get it, it only carries you so far to know why you feel powerless, and then it just becomes exhausting. The illusion of power felt better than having no power at all.

I wonder if there could be other things that might make you feel powerful and good about yourself than the attention of men? Maybe learning real-life useful skills, maybe skills that men have claimed to be theirs only. It can be great to realize you can do something you thought you never could. Or it could be activism, anything that makes you feel like you make a difference, that you are competent. Creating deep connections with other women is just as important. Maybe they can't make you feel sexy but they can make you feel valued in so many other ways.

I can't relate with what you describe because male attention has never been really important for me and there's nothing men could give me that women couldn't. So I might not understand your situation all that well. I can relate to the feeling of media products becoming kind of ruined as the misogyny is everywhere but that doesn't really bother me that much. They just lost their charm when I realized what I'm watching and now I'm just doing other things.

I think I can relate most through my experiences of realizing the extent of the ecological catastrophe we're living. I would like to go back to not knowing. I feel powerless, scared and it feels so useless for me, as a one little human being, to know. I don't want to live this, I don't enjoy any of it.

At first it was unbearable. I went through a very difficult crisis and I wasn't really sure how I could continue living. But the crisis and the unbearable feelings forced me to reconsider my values, rearrange how I live, and to change my worldview. I still feel scared and powerless, and the reality is the same as it was before my personal crisis, but now I have accepted the reality and found deep meaning in belonging to the generation of people who witness this and who do what they can to build something better. My life is now more meaningful than it was before the crisis. I feel deeper feelings of connection and gratitude. What was necessary for this shift was mourning what I had lost: the illusion of a safe and stable world.

I think the feminist lens you can't get rid of could be something similar. Seeing the reality for what it is is a burden, yes, and it hurts. Your awareness alone will not end the patriarchy. You might need to really mourn what you've lost with the knowledge your gained: the enjoyment of certain things that will never feel the same. It's a real loss. You might enter a crisis - or maybe you're in it right now - and when you emerge, you will be stronger, not weaker. You might have a clearer vision of what is your role, what you can do, what the future might be like, and you might find meaning in all this.

You might need to distract yourself from these thoughts every now and then with concentrating on something else than feminism, but in the end, you need to reconcile what it means to you that you know these things and this is the reality you live in. With that reconciliation might come a peace that really lets you rest and focus on other things, too. I hope you all the best.

[razorblade180]

My Hero Manga Stuff

Ya know…I’ve liked villainous characters before and the rude people; some might say I’m too sympathetic to multiple things perspectives. That being said, I never excuse their actions and the current circumstance. So I absolutely mean this when I say…

If Endeavor ends up having to kill Dabi or Dabi dies at all by the end of this; that’s perfectly acceptable. Now I know that upsets a lot of people, but that’s okay. At this point there’s a section of the fandom that hates Enji no matter what he does regardless of its actually his fault or not. They can’t be pleased unless it’s him dying and that’s pretty wild.

People want to argue it would make Shoto’s efforts and the story meaningless, no it wouldn’t. If Enji kills his own son it solidifies that if his atonement and safety for his family means him not being around or resenting him, then he’ll still do it because it’s not about getting to an ending where he’s still in their lives. He’s not fighting for that right. And isn’t like he’s been disregarding or regressing to old mindsets since his arc.

Trusting his family, acknowledging his wrongs, facing them, listening, and asking/letting others help. He even is addressing Dabi as Touya, but none of that means this ends pretty because Dabi himself doesn’t feel wrong or wants to change. Not only is he at the point where he’s basically a flaming corpse, but Shoto developed an entire move to contain him but Dabi does not care. He’s still killing and ramping. If he were to die then it wouldn’t be fault on any of his family or heroes. He rejects all opportunity despite them trying and despite it being upsetting Shoto, the message he can gleam for that is while it’s invaluable to try, you can’t save a person who doesn’t want to be. Dabi is after friends, family, civilians, everyone. There’s a point where being concerned for him can’t take priority or else everyone else who matters to him will die.

I’ve always thought Dabi is cool and his story is interesting, but there’s also a point it becomes the most selfish and less about tragic for me personally. I originally thought Enji personally pushed to do a move that burned him regardless of his well being and led to his “death” but no! Endeavor was never shitty enough to let a child burn to death; he wasn’t even there at the incident! Dabi is fully aware that he got stolen off the mountain so his father could not find him and was then trained viscously to be stronger than him. Dabi saw the memorial and life going on and while he’s definitely right to be upset and messed up in certain regards, he did nothing to change his own circumstance after the incident. Enji never hid him like a secret, didn’t look, or stopped thinking about him. He was misled to think Dabi was dead which made him spiral into worse habits! So all his monologues about Endeavor being the absolute worse fall a little flat when you realize all of his mistakes didn’t lead to Dabi, but it was several mistakes and All For One orchestrating to make it the worst thing possible.

It’s why I really don’t get Dabi stans when hating Enji so feverishly because yeah, he definitely did terrible things, but a portion of how he became was the byproduct of All For One capitalizing and off of Touya’s tragedy and Dabi never going back. AFO is evil, so I never expect him to do anything good. Enji is a fuck up, but partly do to circumstances and knowledge he wasn’t aware of that could’ve radically changed his mindset and actions if Dabi actually tried returning, who is also a victim in the beginning. Honestly Enji and Dabi have both been played by AFO for personal gain.

I guess that’s all I wanted to say. It just feels so bizarre how this late in the story people still want to put everything on Enji when he can’t be accountable for everything without people truly believing Dabi willingly killing people of his choice is entirely Endeavor’s fault and that’s insane. After all, Deku says it best, “It’s your quirk, not his.”

[antianakin]

Thoughts on... That-Show-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named that came back today.

Love that Echo's getting some attention, finally. This should've been his arc in season ONE but fucking WHATEVER I guess. Better late than never, but I'm also FULLY prepared for these two episodes to be literally it and for him to get ignored for the rest of this season and they then act like helping people and fighting the Empire was all Hunter's idea.

I also like getting to see Echo and Omega FINALLY get some meaningful interactions. Of all the clones she had to interact with, Echo was quite clearly the one she got the fewest scenes with in season one, and this was really frustrating. So I'm glad they finally got some scenes together, but I'm also fully prepared for this to be all they get and the show to refocus on Hunter and Omega after this episode.

Didn't feel like all the constant prods to remember Kamino and how Kamino got destroyed were really all that necessary or meaningful. We barely felt a connection between tbb and Kamino anyway, so it's loss isn't exactly all that impactful to them. Which means comparing it to the people of Serenno feels... empty and hollow.

The entire plotline was just... flat. Going to Serenno was meaningless, there was nothing about it BEING Serenno that was all that important to the big emotional beats of the story. They could've put Echo and Omega into literally ANY dangerous situation and gotten the exact same scene out of it. Putting it on Serenno for nostalgic reasons feels like a really bad use of Serenno when you COULD put some thought into what Serenno and Dooku might've actually meant to tbb or Echo and what booby traps Dooku might've left behind, what they might learn about Dooku from being on Serenno.

For that matter, they could've hit the "the Separatists aren't all as evil as the clones might think they are" plotline with Echo again here and they... didn't. Tech's whole "wow I had NO IDEA that planets and cultures existed before the Separatist movement, it's almost like planets are BILLIONS OF YEARS OLD and the Separatist movement started less than a decade ago" realization was... strange and not something that's very meaningful to Tech anyway since Tech didn't really have any strong emotional ties to the actual conflict that the Clone War was about to begin with given how he explained it to Omega. That was something ECHO struggled with more, and there could've been an interesting thing to happen on Serenno where Echo decides that his desire to help people should include former Separatists too, since the Empire's fucking them over the same as anyone else.

I'm not sure why they decided that Echo couldn't have impersonated the missing trooper since, of all of them, Echo's the only one who even still SOUNDS like a clone and he was standing RIGHT THERE and could've lied to keep their cover just a little longer, but noOoOoOoOoO.

I liked Omega getting to connect with Echo, but I feel like the miscommunication was done a little sloppily. She claims at the end that she wants to get the money for them because she heard Echo say their lives weren't normal because of her. But that's... not what Echo said and Omega clearly was in hearing range for Echo's entire argument, which was a lot more about HELPING OTHER PEOPLE and FIGHTING THE EMPIRE than it was about Omega or improving their own lives. Echo doesn't WANT a normal life, he just wants to have a purpose again, and the money could help him with that. He also point blank says that saving Omega was the right thing to do, too, and Omega apparently just decided not to hear that. I think it's fine to have Omega realize that the rest of them have been mostly staying in hiding in order to protect her, and that they could be doing more to help people and aren't BECAUSE they want to protect her, and work to try to mitigate that. But that's not really what they did, and that was a tad frustrating.

Would love to stop hearing the word "reg" on this show and some actual respect shown to the clone troopers. The only clone given a name and face-time ended up unceremoniously killed. I was honestly rooting for Captain Wilco at least half the time, not gonna lie.

Best scene in the entire two episodes was Echo telling Omega to let go. Let go of insecurity and uncertainty, let go of her desire to control things, let go of her fear. It's a very Jedi-like thing for Echo to say, and I love that we can tell how much he picked up from hanging around multiple Jedi because we all know it's not something he'd have learned from his own General who couldn't let go of anything or anyone if his life depended on it. I love getting to see the impact real Jedi had on the clones, the POSITIVE impact they had on Echo in a way we never see in the rest of tbb who had very minimal contact with Jedi at all.

[xxcynicalxcuriosityxx]

It’s getting late and Im not gonna be able to sleep. I don’t even want to sleep because every time I do, I dream of you again and it hurts me to the core. It hurts to wake up and realize that this was just a dream, that none of it was real. I’d like to believe that perhaps our souls really met in the dream but I can never know for sure. It’s this uncertainty that I hate. Not knowing if it’s just my own illusion or if there is more to this life than the physical reality. But the universe knows I’ve missed you. And I will always miss you.. There is no remedy for how much I miss your voice, your touch, your smile, your laugh, your brown eyes. No amount of time can take away that longing to see your face, to be able to hug you and tell you how deeply sorry I am. No matter how great the distance is between us, it can never truly break the bond we once shared. There is no cure. You weren’t just a lover, you were also my best friend, my closest spiritual companion, my person my bebegorl and you will remain in my heart forever.

My words cannot do my grief any justice. I could write a book and you would still never know how I feel. Knowing that you won’t tell me what’s going on with you knowing that you prefer to be my secret friend knowing that you might even hate me, is just suffocating me to the point of insanity. My voice is screaming inside, begging for you to hear me out and just listen. My hands are pounding on the walls of the prison in my mind. I want to break free. I’m desperate to get out. My love for you is suffocating me, so much that it has manifested as a physical illness. Each thought of you brings tremendous pain. I can’t breathe and bare your loss. I am not strong enough. I’m not brave enough to live.

There are days when I manage to hold on to some kind of hope the kind that everything will be okay in the end and this isn’t our end and then there are days when I don’t mind having a disease that could be a potential cause of death. What else could liberate me from being in love with you? For a while I was doing quite well. you appeared in my dream and kissed me a few days ago, and I woke up feeling the feelings for you all over again. The same way I fell in love with you 8 years ago. Why do I keep falling in love with you in my dreams? I didn’t even like you in the beginning You seemed like a player to me, scratch that you were a player you came off as arrogant and well-aware of how attractive you were to all the girls. I thought you were so proud of yourself. I even laughed at thinking of how you could get all the girls, but surely not me. I would not fall for your charms so I thought. But look at me now – the biggest fool of all. How is that possible?

The saddest part of it all is that we probably won’t end up together. You will live your life on the wild side you’ll get your shit together and just live for you me lol I will settle I will marry someone else, maybe travel and live a meaningless life without you. I will live a life like a person lost in the desert, thirsty and desperately searching for an oasis to fulfill me. This desert will be endless and bleak. My soul is empty without you. There is nothing. Absolutely nothing. How could you abandon me in this desert and forget me so easily? How could you love me more than anyone, make all these promises, How could you let confusion separate us? Why didn’t you fight for me? How did you give up so easily?

All I wanted was to be with you. All I wanted was to sit with you and feel your arms around me. I loved you SO much

I’m sorry I was nothing but a bringer of trouble and pain. I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted to lose you. I never wanted to say goodbye. I wanted to stay and make love with you every night. I wanted to be your wife someday.

I wish I could turn back time and change everything. I wish I could make things right. Don’t you miss me after all this time? Don’t you want to hear my voice again, feel my face one more time? Don’t you feel the same?

I still think of our moments together. I remember every sensation, every detail and the excitement of our rushing hearts and our trembling, nervous touching, kissing, holding. The touch of your skin is so vivid in my mind. Your lips against mine was the epitome of bliss. You drove me crazy and I would’ve done anything for you.

I cry every day because I miss you. It hurts so much. It’s so excruciatingly painful to have memories of you that will never fade.

If only you were here.. If only I could run to you. Where are you? I miss those good old days when we were just getting to know each other, when we couldn’t control ourselves and gave ourselves into love. I loved being your girlfriend. You were the most amazing thing in my life. The best thing that ever happened to me. I will never forget the day we first met. Well “met” we talked for hours about everything and nothing I truly believed that you were the one. I knew it the moment I fell on top of you on the bed and we locked eyes I knew I didn’t know when or why or even how but I knew. You were gonna wreck me change me forever. You did Ironically,I loved you first. You adored me secretly and now I am the one longing for you from afar.The truth is I have always admired you.. You were everything I ever wanted.I tried so hard to live up to what I thought was your standards, to your expectations of me.

I wish so badly that you would find it in your heart to forgive me. Please, forgive me for whatever happened, for whatever has happened that made you turn away from me. We went From texting and calling and Snapchat ..to texting and Snapchat ..to Snapchat ..to radiate ..to tumblr we’ve slowly but surly grown apart and it wasn’t me this time you grew out of me you started talking less to now barley at all while Iv remained hoping and wishing for your return

I hate how we ended. I hate this silence, tension and pain. I wish from the bottom of my heart that there would be peace between us. That even though you don’t want me I could still have my best friend I love you but I’d rather have you in my life as a best friend then nothing at all because of my feelings

I pray that somehow you will hear the words I want to say, because I miss your presence more than anything. Your absence tortures me. It torments me every second of the day. How I miss you.. How much I miss us.. How it hurts to miss you. I must have done something horrible to you in a past life, to suffer so painfully, to receive no mercy to sit and let life torture me with your absence.

I’m crying now writing this as I have always known that you were and you will always be the love of my life. My soulmate. The keeper of my whole heart. Nothing will change that nobody can replace you or even compare to you.

I just I wish you could understand or just open up and tell me what your thinking or feeling so I could understand you but I know that’s not on the table

I will love you, and I will miss you, until the end of my life, and even in death I will still love you.. just as strongly as I do now..

no matter what, Forever yours ..

Tay

[wednak]

Weddud Wednesday #5: A void we all try to avoid

Lol first things first, I wish I could claim the copyrights to that hilarious title but unfortunately it was a joke that I read a few weeks ago in the book that I’m reading. When I saw it, it immediately sparked the idea for this type of post so here I am, venturing into the void we all try so hard to avoid venturing into.

I’ve had a really long and somewhat stressful day, and I’m exhausted, so today, I don’t really feel like being teachy explainer Nn, I kind of feel like being genuine and vulnerable Nn. So I thought I’d just try to share without thinking too much about what I’m writing.

I can remember several different conversations that you and I have had about “the void” and all the different strategies we use to fill up the feeling of that void with things/people/activities, etc.

Before I read that joke about the void we all try to avoid, I’d never really thought to connect this idea of the “void” that you and I have talked about to other psychological concepts or ideas that I know of.

Cuz what is that void actually? Is it memories of past experiences and trauma? Is it negative emotions we don’t want to feel? Is it insecurities and parts of ourselves that we want to hide from others? Is it all of the above and more? Or is it something else entirely?

I don’t actually know the correct answer to this and somewhat doubt that there even could be one. But there are a few different ideas that have popped into my mind while I’ve been thinking about this for the past few weeks.

As humans, I think we all probably have the same foundational void that comes along with being a conscious being in this marvelously beautiful and tragic universe that we find ourselves in. It seems like a rather unlikely phenomenon that humans would respond to human consciousness, the knowledge of good and evil and the awareness of our coming death with anything other than complete and utter overwhelm and existential dread.

Life is fucking weird man. It just is. There is so much happiness and so much suffering and the knowledge of all of it is a handful to deal with on an everyday basis.

I don’t know if this has any scientific basis but to me it makes a whole lot of sense that once humans realized what the fuck their consciousness had just unlocked for them, our minds and bodies would work really hard to be like oooook, if we can’t unlearn this shit anymore let’s at least just suppress that knowledge back down as far as it can go so we don’t have to think about that fucking mess and become completely debilitated from functioning as a living organism.

So I think in a way, we all probably have a collective void that we really don’t like to think about. All of these things that cause discomfort, anxiety, fear, sadness or whatever reaction we might want to lump into “existential dread”. That sort of meaninglessness that we know deep down is at the root of our very existence.

Religion exists across culture because it provides us with a meaning, a WHY and a way out of the meaninglessness. That makes sense to me. And it also makes sense that everyone these days is losing their goddamn minds because we have nothing else to replace that anchor with.

Responsibility for children, a project, a job, a community or group of people is probably also a really good tool to help anchor us to something that resembles “stability”. Good luck bringing that one up today lol.

Marriage is probably also up there. Being shackled into a commitment that you can’t escape from, no matter how badly you want to or how badly you screw up. And yet we dish out divorces like they’re candy. Ahhhhh 2018 me.

We’ve pretty much eradicated all of the “effective” strategies that humans have used for thousands if not millions of years to cope with innocent Eve eating that apple in the garden. No fucking wonder that everyone is turning to fucked up coping mechanisms to deal with the void.

All of that is the collective part of the void that I’ve been thinking about. The part that we all kind of have in common.

But then people also have their individual voids that they are trying to avoid, don’t they?

The shit I’m running from, that is different from what you’re running from, that is different from what my mom is running from, that is different from what your dad is running from.

That part of the void is probably more like the personal shit we experience and suppress because we don’t know how to deal with it and so the only strategy we know is to stuff it somewhere where it is outside of our conscious awareness.

This is literally when I had the idea that the void could be what Jung called the Shadow.

Should not have been a surprise lol.

You have the collective aspect which is part of what he called the Collective Unconscious. And then you have the personal aspect which is part of what he called the Personal Unconscious.

Shadow is such a good word for it too imo. Because it really fucking feels like a Shadow doesn’t it?

It’s always there and creeping right behind you but it’s never quite with you either and it isn’t “real” enough for you to grab or get a hold of. You can feel it but at the same time it also just feels empty and numb.

This murky thing that always follows us no matter where we go.

Sure, if we face away from it, we can’t really see it. And if we try hard enough we might momentarily forget that it’s right behind us. But at the end of the day, it never actually goes away.

I think the thing I love about psychology so much is probably that it gives you at least some tools to deal with all the personal things you’re running from. They’re so different for everybody but on average, people can usually find something that helps them face whatever trauma or insecurity they might have suppressed out of conscious awareness. And thus reduce that feeling of emptiness and numbness that happens as a result.

Now the existential void is a whole other can of worms. I don’t know if that one will ever go away, even with religion, responsibility, marriage, children or whatever else humans cook up to try to deal with it.

“There is a burden that comes with this level of power. The burden of knowing. Or maybe the burden of knowing that you can never know. That at the end of everything, the only thing that is certain is you and your relationship with god or the universe or whatever it is you want to call it. Nothing really matters, and that’s why everything matters. Despite all the burdens, it’s the greatest freedom I’ve ever known and the greatest that life has to offer.”

I’ve tried so many times of the years but I’ve never really been able to put into words exactly what my life used to feel like before I reached that level of insight.

I think the thing that inspired me about the void is that it comes pretty close.

It was like I was numb and empty in a place in my mind and my heart where there should have been some sort of feeling. That a part of my experience of life had to be made unconscious for otherwise I couldn’t have functioned in the way a normal child or teenager is expected to function. But I had absolutely zero awareness that it was happening. I had so freaking little self-awareness in general because if I had had more of it, I would have been aware of how miserable I was and I don’t know if I could have figured out how to deal with that.This part of myself that felt unheard and abandoned, that should have felt shattered by the pain, rejection and inauthenticity I was experiencing.

But what did I do, instead I projected all of that anxiety, fear and sadness onto intense insecurities about things that the universe provided as an excuse and that I had a vague sense of control over.. having bad hair or skin, being too tall, being too skinny, … Looking back on it now, I can see that sure, I might have been a bit of a lanky, awkward kid with frizzy hair and bad teenage skin and those things might have fueled my negative self-image as I was growing up. But that deep-rooted self-hatred that bubbled up from the void every time I looked at myself in the mirror or in a photograph didn’t really have anything to do with my hair or my skin or my boobs. That came from a place so much deeper where there was an endless source of anxiety, anger, fear, grief and sadness.

Is it weird that thinking about the void in the way I talked about it today kind of just makes me feel better about all of that?

I guess it’s the realization that while we all have our personal shit that we run from and that stuff can be rough, there’s always an element of just having normal human existential dread to deal with as we grow up. And damn if you’re not given the proper tools to learn to deal with that, then that alone is already enough to make people run to the shittiest of coping mechanisms in an attempt to erase that void.

Pretty sure I was somewhat all over the place today and my thoughts weren’t structured as smoothly as usual but sometimes that’s just life and I’m rolling with it.

Maybe next time when it’s 2 am and I’m only half a human, I’ll do a Nn deep dive into what it felt like to finally open that void and realize all the shit that came pouring out. I always talk about how important it is to face all the repressed trauma and all the usual stuff but I don’t think I usually admit how thin the line is between getting a hold on that wave in order to ride it out and being pulled under in the flood of negative emotions.

There are days when I realize how easily I could have been completely drowned by it all. And then I’m not 100% certain as to what it was that helped me stay afloat.

People who are close to me always tell me that I’m too self-righteous. That I make people feel judged or shamed when I push them to become the best version of themselves because it makes them feel like they are falling short of some bar that I have deemed worthy.

There is so much to unpack in that which has nothing to do with what I was writing about and which I am also entirely too tired to do right now. But I guess maybe the unexpected place that this post has carried me today is this:

I hope you know that judgement is never my intention. This path of self-healing is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done in my life but it is also the most painful and the most difficult thing and while I personally think it is worth it, I understand that there are real dangers to people opening up that door. I understand why people don’t want to or can’t do it.

And I think in today’s culture where personal development and working on yourself has become such a trendy thing to do, it’s really important to remember that a person’s worth doesn’t depend on any of it.

Alrighti, sappy Nn needs to post this and go to bed now before she changes her mind about being too sappy. Or at least more sappy than usual. Which of course she then followed by…

Non refert ubi es, ego semper tecum.

Nn

[amr-hossameldin]

On The Condition of Existence

“What of thinking? I find here that thought is an attribute that belongs to me; it alone cannot be separated from me. I am, I exist, that is certain. But how often? Just when I think; for it might possibly be the case if I ceased entirely to think, that I should likewise cease altogether to exist.” [1] Descartes in his brilliant kaleidoscopic work in the Meditations has only taken us so far. We exist. Again, we exist. I could go on repeating myself until one time a profound epiphany would dawn on you, you exist. Not the summation of atoms that make up your body, not the abstract idea of what you might be, but You. Be it your soul, self or mind, but there exists an entity that it aware of the world around it, has thoughts, and now is aware of its own existence. What’s more, you also realize that you haven’t always existed. Much like some unborn child, one does not know it is coming, cannot miss it, long for it, or think of its likes, dislikes and ideologies. Well, that’s how we all were at some point, unborn children. But, you made it, you are here. You emerged out of complete nothingness and infinite possibilities. You made the incredible journey from non-existence to existence. But, now that you are here, what was it all for? Now that you are sure of your existence and aware of it, what should you do with it? Why do you exist? Is it all for nothing? Or is there a purpose for existence? For life? And if so, what is it? In this essay I shall discuss some ideas on the matter as well as my own.

How it is all meaningless

To understand how existence may be a burden, let’s first note that we had no choice in whether to exist or not. We did not will to exist, we only became aware afterwards, and we have to deal with all the consequences that follow. We need to realize that while existing and awake, we have to be conscious and aware. Be it while spending hours on a bus, going through a dull day, or celebrating a friend’s birthday; you have to be aware, you cannot fast forward or skip being conscious of what’s happening, and you cannot seize temporarily to exist. You must experience the flow of time. While all this may seem normal, what is important to note here is that you had no choice. You were thrown into existence and are forced to consciously experience it. As Kierkegaard says in his book Either/Or: ‘No one comes back from the dead, no one has entered the world without crying; no one is asked when he wishes to enter life, nor when he wishes to leave.’ [2] From this perspective we can have some insight into why in some cases people may choose to do drugs or end their lives, it’s nothing more than them exercising their own free will, taking control and making a choice, entirely and exclusively for its own sake.

Now, let us examine the nature of this existence that we are forced to experience. We find that it has but one absolute truth, that it is temporary. We are all eventually going to die, and there’s nothing that can be done about it. As Schopenhauer says in his article The Emptiness of Existence: ‘A man to his astonishment all at once becomes conscious of existing after having been in a state of non-existence for many thousands of years, when, presently again, he returns to a state of nonexistence for an equally long time.’ [3] We will altogether seize to exist quite shortly, at least in this mode of existence. Do you have any memories from before you were born? absurd right? Well, that’s how death is as far as we know, complete nothingness, so complete you won’t even miss it. So we were nothing, exist only for a few years, a fraction of second on planet’s time scale, which itself exists for a fraction of a second on the universe’s time scale, and then return back to nothing.

What objective meaning could a person possibly find in his few years of existence before he, everybody, and everything return to nothing? Nothing will last, nothing we do will last and nothing could possibly last, there’s not even the hope for that. What’s more, even while we exist, whatever we do is desperately insignificant. We live on an average rocky planet orbiting an average star on the outer region of an average galaxy. Our planet is hopelessly negligible when compared to the size of the sun, let alone this vast universe. All of life on Earth since its inception till extinction would have occupied almost nothing on the space and time scales of the universe. Our existence makes no difference what so ever on how the future of the universe will unfold. A more encompassing description: we almost do not exist. Bearing all that in mind, we are led to question the validity of our question because from this perspective the notion of meaning seems quite absurd.

The Logical Conclusion: Nihilism

The belief of lack of meaning or purpose for existence is what is called Nihilism. As Leo Tolstoy said after he became a nihilist: “My life came to a standstill. I could breathe, eat, drink, and sleep, and I could not help doing these things; but there was no life, for there were no wishes the fulfillment of which I could consider reasonable. If I desired anything, I knew in advance that whether I satisfied my desire or not, nothing would come of it. Had a fairy come and offered to fulfil my desires I should not have known what to ask. If in moments of intoxication I felt something which, though not a wish, was a habit left by former wishes, in sober moments I knew this to be a delusion and that there was really nothing to wish for. I could not even wish to know the truth, for I guessed of what it consisted. The truth was that life is meaningless. I had as it were lived, lived, and walked, walked, till I had come to a precipice and saw clearly that there was nothing ahead of me but destruction. It was impossible to stop, impossible to go back, and impossible to close my eyes or avoid seeing that there was nothing ahead but suffering and real death — complete annihilation.” [4] We see here how a true nihilist would be; a state of complete despair. Leo shows how the loss of meaning translates to the loss of a driving force, a will to live.

Pondering on this thought for longer, we see how absurd the world is all around us, how absurd are all norms, traditions, social interactions etc. Sartre in his novel Nausea describes much a moment when ‘the veil is torn away’. He describes a moment when the main character is on a tram and puts his hand on a seat only to pull it back quickly. Instead of appearing as a normal basic object, it struck him as being deeply strange. He writes” I lean my hand on the seat but pull it back hurriedly: it exists. This thing I’m sitting on, leaning my hand on, is called a seat. They made it purposely for people to sit on, they took leather, springs and cloth, they went to work with the idea of making a seat and when they finished, that was what they had made. They carried it here, into this car and the car is now rolling and jolting with its rattling windows, carrying this red thing in its bosom. I murmur: “It’s a seat,” a little like an exorcism. But the word stays on my lips: it refuses to go and put itself on the thing. It stays what it is, with its red plush, thousands of little red paws in the air, all still, little dead paws. This enormous belly turned upward, bleeding, inflated — bloated with all its dead paws, this belly floating in this car, in this grey sky, is not a seat. It could just as well be a dead donkey tossed about in the water, floating with the current, belly in the air in a great grey river, a river of floods; and I could be sitting on the donkey’s belly, my feet dangling in the clear water. Things are divorced from their names. They are there, grotesque, headstrong, gigantic and it seems ridiculous to call them seats or say anything at all about them: I am in the midst of things, nameless things. Alone, without words, defenseless, they surround me, are beneath me, behind me, above me. They demand nothing, they don’t impose themselves: they are there.” [5] The character later describes this incident by saying: “And suddenly, suddenly, the veil is torn away, I have understood, I have seen.’. To extrapolate on this thought, think of what you would normally call ‘An evening dinner with my spouse’. Under such a description it all seems fairly logical, but a ‘Sartrean’ view would strip away the surface normality and expose the deep strangeness beneath. Dinner is then basically waiting for the rock you’re on to spin away from the fusion reactor it was facing, to sit at chunks of chopped up trees, putting pieces of dead plants and animals in your mouth, while another mammal whom you occasionally have sex with is doing the same. Sartre believes that viewing the world this way is incredibly liberating. Nothing around us is really ‘normal’ and such we don’t have to conform to acting ‘normally’. In the course of fully realizing our freedom, we will come up against what Sartre calls the ‘anguish’ of existence. Everything is (terrifyingly) possible because nothing has any pre-ordained, objective purpose. Humans are just making it up as they go along.

Kierkegaard had similar views. Here we see him have a ‘Sartrean’ view on funerals. He says: ‘How empty life is and without meaning. — We bury a man, we follow him to the grave, we throw three spades of earth on him, we ride out in a coach, we ride home in a coach, we take comfort in the thought that a long life awaits us. But how long is threescore years and ten? Why not finish it at once? Why not stay out there and step down into the grave with him, and draw lots for who should have the misfortune to be the last alive to throw the last three spades of earth on the last of the dead?” [2]

He goes on to describe how wrapped up in our daily routines we can get, feeling all serious and busy, forgetting how short our existence is and in doing so, missing out on making the most out of existence. “Of all ridiculous things in the world what strikes me as the most ridiculous of all is being busy in the world, to be a man quick to his meals and quick to his work. So when, at the crucial moment, I see a fly settle on such a businessman’s nose, or he is bespattered by a carriage which passes him by in even greater haste, or the drawbridge is raised, or a tile falls from the roof and strikes him dead, I laugh from the bottom of my heart. And who could help laughing? For what do they achieve, these busy botchers? Are they not like the housewife who, in confusion at the fire in her house, saved the fire-tongs? What else do they salvage from the great fire of life?” [2]

Kierkegaard reached the conclusion that the only sensible way to react to world’s absurdity is to laugh, to laugh in face of the absurd. He describes what is required of a person in society and laughs at how seriously we treat those constructed beliefs. “As it happened to Parmeniscus in the legend, who in the cave of Trophonius lost the ability to laugh but got it back on Delos at the sight of the shapeless block which was supposed to be the image of the goddess Leto, so too with me. When I was very young I forgot in the cave of Trophonius how to laugh; when I became older, when I opened my eyes and saw reality, I started to laugh and haven’t stopped since. I saw the meaning of life was getting a livelihood, its goal acquiring a titular office, that love’s rich desire was getting hold of a well-to-do girl, that the blessedness of friendship was to help one another in financial embarrassment, that wisdom was what the majority assumed it to be, that enthusiasm was to make a speech, that courage was to risk losing ten dollars, that cordiality consisted in saying ‘You’re welcome’ after a dinner, that fear of God was to go to communion once a year. That’s what I saw, and I laughed.” [2]

Schopenhauer saw existence as a continuous struggle. For him we exist only in the present, he says: “What has been exists no more; and exists just as little as that which has never been. But everything that exists has been in the next moment. Hence something belonging to the present, however unimportant it may be, is superior to something important belonging to the past; this is because the former is a reality and related to the latter as something is to nothing.’ From here he goes on to say how by existing we are in an everlasting race that we cannot pause from: “Our existence is based solely on the ever-fleeting present. Essentially, therefore, it has to take the form of continual motion without there ever being any possibility of our finding the rest after which we are always striving. It is the same as a man running downhill, who falls if he tries to stop, and it is only by his continuing to run on that he keeps on his legs; it is like a pole balanced on one’s finger-tips, or like a planet that would fall into its sun as soon as it stopped hurrying onwards. Hence unrest is the type of existence”. And for what was all that? He goes on to say: “If we try to get a general view of humanity at a glance, we shall see everywhere a constant fighting and mighty struggling for life and existence; that mental and bodily strength is taxed to the utmost, and opposed by threatening and actual dangers and woes of every kind. And if we consider the price that is paid for all this, existence, and life itself, it will be found that there has been an interval when existence was free from pain, an interval, however, which was immediately followed by boredom, and which in its turn was quickly terminated by fresh cravings. That boredom is immediately followed by fresh needs is a fact which is also true of the cleverer order of animals, because life has no true and genuine value in itself, but is kept in motion merely through the medium of needs and illusion. As soon as there are no needs and illusion we become conscious of the absolute barrenness and emptiness of existence.” And finally, how should we react to the meaningless of life? Schopenhauer says: “If one turns from contemplating the course of the world at large, and in particular from the ephemeral and mock existence of men as they follow each other in rapid succession, to the detail of life, how like a comedy it seems!”[3] Which is the same conclusion as Kierkegaard.

How the Existentialist would see it

The above was all intended to break through to the reader the gravity of the idea, to expose as much as possible the concept of the absurd, which arises out of the fundamental disagreement between the individual’s search for meaning and the apparent meaninglessness of the universe, and how Nihilism can make sense. Another position one can take is that of the existentialist. The existentialist believes in the lack of an inherent objective meaning as the nihilist. However instead of living in purposeless despair, he constructs his own subjective purpose. It is important to note that the existentialist does not follow herds and indulge himself in widespread beliefs, for him that would be absurd. Instead, he constructs his own personal purpose for life on his own. As Sartre — an existentialist and an atheist- famously said in his 1945 public lecture “Existentialism is a Humanism”: ‘existence precedes essence.’ [6] To clarify, think of a Swiss knife. It is built with a certain purpose and design in mind; there are certain attributes which make it what it is, it’s essence. For a Swiss knife existence can come at any time later when a craftsman decides to make one. Humans on the other hand are another case. For man, Sartre says: “What do we mean by saying that existence precedes essence? We mean that man first of all exists, encounters himself, surges up in the world — and defines himself afterwards. If man as the existentialist sees him is not definable, it is because to begin with he is nothing. He will not be anything until later, and then he will be what he makes of himself. Thus, there is no human nature, because there is no God to have a conception of it. Man simply is. Not that he is simply what he conceives himself to be, but he is what he wills, and as he conceives himself after already existing — as he wills to be after that leap towards existence. Man is nothing else but that which he makes of himself. That is the first principle of existentialism.” [6] Sartre thus believes that one creates himself through what he does, basically: ‘I am what I do’. He believes in the inherent property of individuals to create define their own purposes. Why does Sartre think humans are unlike the Swiss knife in the first place? He believes if God does not exist there is at least one being whose existence comes before its essence, a being which exists before it can be defined by any conception of it. For Sartre that being is man.

French philosopher Albert Camus in his essay The Myth of Sisyphus describes finding meaning in the absurd in a very poetic way. In ancient Greece, Sisyphus was the king of court and one of the wisest mortals. However, in the afterlife he is condemned by the gods to spend eternity repeatedly rolling a rock to the top of a mountain, where it will fall back down once it reaches the summit. They had thought that there is no more dreadful punishment than futile and hopeless labor. Opinions on why Sisyphus was punished differ from him chaining death to exchanging the secrets of the gods for food and water to finally returning back to life after making a deal with Pluto and then refusing to come back. All of which share the quality of Sisyphus’s hate of death and love of life. As to Sisyphus in his torment, one can imagine him with his face pressed against the rock, feet pivoted on the ground and arms straining to push the stone upwards. Upon reaching the summit after a long tedious journey, Sisyphus watches for moments as the stone rolls back down, then makes the trip downhill. Camus writes on this particular period: “It is during that return, that pause, that Sisyphus interests me. A face that toils so close to stones is already stone itself! I see that man going back down with a heavy yet measured step toward the torment of which he will never know the end. That hour like a breathing-space which returns as surely as his suffering, that is the hour of consciousness.” [7] To Camus it is not the torture itself, but conscious awareness of it that makes the myth tragic. Sisyphus knows the whole extent of his torment, it’s what he thinks of during the decent. Much like how the labor of today works every day in his life at the same tasks and his fate is no less absurd. However, it is only tragic when it becomes conscious. At the same time, Sisyphus’s awareness is his salvation. He is the absurd hero trapped within the machinery of fate in a meaningless world yet somehow able to overcome it. Although he cannot change the circumstance or the inherent meaninglessness of the world he is in, he can still choose how to interpret it. He can take hold of it and create his own meaning. This is how Sisyphus overcomes his rock. As Camus says: “At each of those moments when he leaves the heights and gradually sinks toward the lairs of the gods, he is superior to his fate. He is stronger than his rock… All Sisyphus’ silent joy is contained therein. His fate belongs to him. His rock is his thing.” At the end, Sisyphus can create his own meaning through the suffering itself. He needs not fall into despair. “The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man’s heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.” [7] Camus acknowledges the world’s absurdness and indifference towards us, but he urges us to be ‘absurd heroes’ who live with dignity in the face of absurdity, who rebel against and transcend the world’s indifference.

An Alternative Answer: Religion

As we have just seen, one can create his own meaning within the meaninglessness of this absurd world. There still remains another answer, however, to the question of meaning. It is to say that the world is neither meaningless nor absurd and that in fact an objective meaning exists. As mentioned at the beginning of this essay the temporal nature of our existence negates any possibility of an absolute meaning to life. The answer then shall be to say that we are in fact immortal and what is temporary is just our Earthly existence. This puts the meaning outside of this world, marking this one as inferior to the absolute eternal one. This is the tenet upon which main religions like Islam and Christianity are built. In their teachings, our existence on this planet is nothing but a passage to the eternal one. Going to heaven is the inherent main purpose of our lives and one must do what he can to attain that. Given that our spirits are immortal, then whatever we do on this planet has meaning, as our actions here would determine the course on which we would be set on for eternity. One should thus follow God’s teachings and abide by his rules in hopes of going to heaven. However, we should note that this reasoning is built on the premise that there exists an alternate reality in which God, heaven, and hell exist. We cannot verify this premise and as such accepting these tenets requires what is called ‘a leap of faith’ or as Kierkegaard put it, ‘a leap to faith’ without any empirical evidence.

An interesting perspective on the matter is that of Sufism. A Sufi believes that our reality or existence here on Earth is merely the projection of God. He is the only truth, the only reality, and we are merely projections yearning to be real. The process of becoming real is done through contemplation of the Divine and worshipping Him for Himself. To a Sufi prayer should not be motivated by the desire of going to heaven, but rather because God is Great and worthy of worshipping.

A question one may ask is why did God create us in the first place? An answer can be that since being a ‘creator’ is an attribute of God, we are nothing but the expression of that attribute. Just like a writer cannot be a writer without actually writing, a creator cannot be a creator without actually creating. Finally, there is always the answer of it was God’s will and thus no point in asking.

My personal opinion

Personally and in practice, I lean towards the existential argument. As far as we know, the world has no inherent meaning or purpose and the best one can do is construct his own purpose. The way I see it is that, somehow, I came into existence. I am not sure how or why; I am not sure of anything really other than that I exist. The only reasonable thing that seems worth doing is to examine the nature of this existence while it lasts. I cannot see meaning in following constructed ideologies or beliefs and I cannot see meaning in anything human made. What makes sense is not missing out on this chance of understanding the universe; I’ll only get to experience it once. Physics and Mathematics are humanity’s best attempt at doing so. Mathematics studies logic, the underlying relations that govern everything. It is powerfully and beautifully concise, and it contains hints to what might as well be divinity. Euler’s Identity is a famous example. I came to the belief, purely out of aesthetic motives and faith, that every mathematically correct statement must describe a reality because such elegance and perfection should not be degraded by not dictating a reality. The act of doing Physics is the act of capturing reality through our mathematical constructions. It is the manifestation of logic and reason, where we can see and feel Mathematics. Although we can never know for sure that our descriptions are true, although nature will never reveal herself to us, it is the act of theorizing and depicting reality that holds all the meaning. I guess, in a way, I’m like Sisyphus, except that I found my purpose in figuring out why the rock falls. It is futile and I don’t really care for what I would do with that knowledge, but it is enough for me. That does not necessarily mean that I’m an atheist and do not hold religious believes. I do in fact believe in God, but I do not believe that it is all a test and exclusively for the sake of going to heaven, I believe God is above that. I do not know why God created the universe, and I cannot live just to see if I would go to heaven. Therefore, I do not draw my purpose for life strictly through religion. I believe that the purposes we construct hold subjective but very real values, to each of us, regardless of whether they get us to heaven or not and regardless of whether there in fact is a heaven or not.

To sum up, both Existentialism and Nihilism negate an objective purpose for existing, stemming mainly from the inevitability of death. The existentialist however believes in one creating purpose for one’s self, unlike the nihilist who believes in complete utter meaninglessness. Religion on the other hand postulates the existence of another reality, more real than this one, in which heaven, hell and God exist. Our spirits there are immortal and our purpose in this life is following the teachings of God so that we eventually go to heaven. Finally, I presented my own position on the matter which are mainly existential but not without religious beliefs.

References

[1]D. Rene, Meditations on First Philosophy. 1641.

[2]S. Kierkegaard and A. Hannay, Either/or. London, England: Penguin Books, 1992.

[3]A. Schopenhauer and T. Saunders, Complete essays of Schopenhauer. New York: Willey Book Co, 1942.

[4]L. Tolstoy and J. Kentish, A confession and other religious writings. Harmondsworth, Middlesex, England: Penguin, 1987.

[5]J. Sartre and L. Alexander, Nausea. New York: New Directions Publishing Corp., 1964.

[6]V. Guillaume, S. Dorlodot and J. Sartre, Existentialism is a humanism by Jean-Paul Sartre. .

[7]A. Camus, The myth of Sisyphus, and other essays. New York: Knopf, 1955.

[bitd]

PERCEPTION [Sight] [Easy: Success] - As you skim the shelves, a familiar title catches your eye.

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Medium: Success] - Fisticuffs Convention, by Charles Plucky. Often stigmatized as revolutionary literature, it tells the story of a young man whose anti-capitalist and masculine urges lead him to an amnesiac double life, hallucinating an idealized alter ego.

INLAND EMPIRE - A handsome, emotionally regulated, cigarette-smoking parallel of yourself appearing alongside an amnesic episode?

LOGIC [Easy: Fail] - Come to think of it, have you seen anyone else acknowledge Kim directly? I mean, you haven't been paying close attention, but maybe…

YOU - "Kim, I think you're a hallucination of my idealized self, emerged from my subconscious to guide me in my time of need."

KIM KITSURAGI - The lieutenant, already impatient with your leisurely browsing, does not seem to agree with your theory. "Doubtful. Plucky's novel was driven by the protagonist's estrangement from his mundane and meaningless life. By contrast, you seem rather… emotionally invested."

YOU - "Hold on, emotionally invested in what?"

KIM KITSURAGI - "Most things, from what I've seen."

-1 MORALE

INLAND EMPIRE [Challenging: Fail] - Don't give up on this yet, you know that there's SOMETHING about the novel that resonated with you.

LOGIC [Easy: Success] - If Kim isn't your alter ego projection, that leaves only one option.

LOGIC - You must be his.

VOLITION - Are you guys fucking serious?

- [Rhetoric: Godly 16] Convince Kim you're his alter ego.

- No, that can't be right, my identity is too complex to be anyone else's.

⚅⚅

CHECK SUCCESS

YOU - "Kim, I've figured it all out. Why I can't remember anything before you got here, why we make such a good duo."

KIM KITSURAGI - "Oh? It had nothing to do with your activities prior, after all?" He sounds sceptical, and he hasn't even heard your genius theory yet!

YOU - "That's the thing, there were no activities prior. I'm not real."

KIM KITSURAGI - He raises an eyebrow at you, imperceptibly.

PERCEPTION [Trivial: Success] - Bullshit. It's perceptible. I'm perceiving it. It's not all of us who are completely socially incompetent and can't read facial expressions - just you.

KIM KITSURAGI - "Detective," he starts, in a tone even the most socially competent would find unreadable, "Our acquaintances at the Whirling-In-Rags would likely disagree."

YOU - "Look at yourself, Kim. Calm. Reserved. Repressed. You wear glasses. Now look at me. Cool. Wild. Unrestrained. I wear sunglasses. I'm a superstar. Would you agree that I am, more or less, everything you're not?"

EMPATHY [Trivial: Success] - He realizes where this is going moments before you get there, defeat etched into his face.

YOU - "Maybe even everything you wish you could be?"

KIM KITSURAGI - "Hm."

YOU - "Come on, Kim, it's obvious. It was you who trashed the Whirling-In-Rags, and you're projecting me while you clean up your mess!"

KIM KITSURAGI - Despite everything, he keeps his patience. "That is an... intriguing theory, detective, but there are multiple witnesses who can attest for our separate physical embodiments before and after my arrival. I also haven't lost any time, so it seems unlikely I would be experiencing some sort of latent dissociative disorder."

ESPRIT DU CORPS [Legendary: Success] But that might actually explain some things, now that it occurs to him. A previous inquiry on 'talking thoughts' flashes through his mind.

KIM KITSURAGI - He acquiesces, almost too easily, "I suppose there's no proving it either way. Perhaps tonight after we've finished our work for the day you could do some more research into the matter. I'm sure this store must have some psychological texts you could consult."

📒

TASK GAINED:

READ ABOUT "DISSOCIATIVE DISORDERS"

[inukag-archive]

i’m not sure how to explain this properly because i struggle with english (sorry 😢) but are there any fanfics where inuyasha makes a mistake or upsets kagome and they break up/stop talking/something like that and inuyasha tries to fix it and apologizes and they get back together? i probably didn’t explain good but i like those types of fics

Fear not anon, we understood the assignment! We've compiled a list of the misunderstandings you're after and would also like to point you towards the Break-Up and Make-Up list we posted a little while ago. Happy reading! ❤

Until You're Mine by manga3x (E)

Now in the midst of adulthood and recently married, Kagome Higurashi is more than shocked when she sees her ex-boyfriend from high school, her first true love who still has a special place in her heart but has also broken it. Despite her reservations, she agrees to a seemingly meaningless reunion when their conversation brings back memories she doesn't want to remember, choices she can't make, and heartache she can't handle.

--

Delicate by @akitokihojo (T)

To trust someone, to let them in, what an unsettling ordeal. Kagome is easy and safe, and Inuyasha is difficult and guarded. She can put him at ease with a smile, simultaneously setting him on edge. It was nothing until it was something, creating absolute chaos and uncertainty within the both of them.

--

Song and Dance Man by @mamabearcat (T)

“What if we’ve been fooling ourselves Inuyasha.” “Huh?” “I mean, look at us,” she said, gesturing from Inuyasha’s faded Soundgarden t-shirt and ripped black jeans to her heart patterned leggings and hot pink t-shirt which proudly proclaimed she was Fuelled by Theatre and Coffee. “We couldn’t be more different.” “But”, spluttered Inuyasha, his heart suddenly beating faster at the dangerous direction the conversation was taking. “Different is good! Yes, we like different things, but that shouldn’t matter!” Kagome’s bottom lip quivered. “It might not matter tomorrow, or next week, or the week after that, but sooner or later, it would."

When Kagome is suffering from a bad case of PMS fuelled anxiety about their new relationship, will Inuyasha know the right thing to do to calm her fears?

--

Done For by @purdybaby (T)

Inuyasha is sick as a dog so he pushes Kagome away and hard!

--

Trust by @splendentgoddess (T)

Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see. But if we cannot trust our own eyes, then whom can we trust? Inuyasha had thought that he could trust Kagome, until she betrayed him in the cruelest of ways. Or did she?

--

The Secret by @inunanna (T)

Kagome always thought that coming back to the Feudal Era would mean finally being together with Inuyasha, openly and officially together, but she was the only one. Inuyasha won't never endanger Kagome, even if that means forcing himself to stay away from Kagome. One of them will have to change their mind.

--

To Tell the Truth by @splendentgoddess (M)

Mistaken identity has a priest giving Kagome a tea that temporarily makes her incapable of lying. Assured that the inu-tachi are not who he thought they were, they're free to go. But how long before the tea wears off? And just what will Kagome admit?

--

One Love by Eev (T)

Certain events compel Kagome to run away and start a new life elsewhere. Can Inuyasha convince her to come back?

--

the deception. by @fandomobsessions016 (E)

Kagome and Sango have just graduated college, and Kagome is set to return home… to the city. The city she left behind four years earlier. Almost as soon as she arrives and is unceremoniously reacquainted with her ex, Kagome realizes she’s made a mistake. Four years of distance and alleged personal growth have done nothing to tame her tumultuous heart or lessen her pain. Now, she has to confront her agonizing past while traversing through a myriad of emotions as she comes face to face with the very people she left the city to avoid; Inuyasha and Miroku. Thankfully, she has Sango by her side, as not all is as it seems…

--

Asks and Answers (Chapter 3: Mine) by @lavendertwilight89 (E)

Ask: I wanna cuddle but if I touch I won't be able to stop.

[aineirisha]

There is no truce when it comes to love

It was pouring rain outside the cave. The crackling of the fire accompanied your silent thoughts as the shadows drew your silhouettes in the darkness of the night.

You couldn't remember how long you had been there. Life before that battle tasted like a dream. A life so far away that it seemed non-existent. You couldn't even remember the color of laughter. Or if there was ever laughter.

What is laughter...?

Neither of you wanted to voice it. Holding on to the last shred of hope.

Will we get out of here? maybe his face will be the last thing I see in my life... his face and this cave.

His hands fueled the fire trying to counteract the moistness that embraced you.

Inhuman strength would be required to win that battle. Nothing could be done now... your bodies were exhausted, your minds were exhausted, the lack of food and rest had you at the border of sanity.

 It's amazing how easy it is to lose yourself when you walk on the edge of its extremes.

"Do you have any regrets?" your voice sounded absent. More like a thought than a real question.

"You?" his eyes fixed on the fire. Refusing to consider... to even allow himself to think for a moment that this might be the end. Life had always seemed meaningless to him, and yet he was now unwilling to let it go. He stirred the embers, he wasn't going to let that warmth go out.

"I don't know..." A lot of memories came to your mind but none remained, "maybe it doesn't matter anymore..."

He turned his eyes to yours full of tenderness. "Maybe now is when matters most."

You looked at him for a moment, feeling the weight of life fall on your shoulders. The life you had and the one you would have liked to have. The life that other people's decisions took from you. Those of the powerful. The life you agreed to because you didn't know any other options.

His eyes were sweet but you could see that they carried the same pain, or even greater pain, the pain of loss, absence, and abandonment. The pain of knowing that he was alone and feeling that he had lost everything. He couldn't regret anything. He had nothing to regret. He had nothing. He fixed his eyes on the fire again. Why? when so many times he had wanted the end, why now that he had it so close, his heart refused to get any closer?

The sound of rain was incessant, like a distant echo.

A soft smile drew on your face. Maybe now is when it matters most...

"If I had had more options maybe I wouldn't have chosen this life... but I also think about it and... maybe I would’ve.”

He took a deep breath "You do what you think is right until you wonder if there were other options."

"If we get out of here, will you do things differently?"

There was no answer. Only the echo of the rain and the crackling of the fire, slowly going out...

"It hasn't bothered me sharing life with you," you smiled at him. At least you had someone like him in your life. A friend, a partner, a colleague, an ally, a confidant. You knew each other through your best and worst moments. In all the successes and in all the failures. In the ecstasy of life and now on the verge of death.

He returned your smile and looked at you sweetly "me neither."

In an absent-minded gesture, you brought your bodies closer to give each other warmth. Little tears began to fall down your cheek. There was nothing else to do. The end was near.

If this were your last day of life...

What would you do if this was your last day...

Maybe you didn't have many options, but you didn't want the only one to be 'crying'. Sitting next to him, hugging your knees, you breathed deeply. His gaze was lost on the fire bur you felt his arm wrap around your shoulders. Again a small smile appeared on your face. You rested your head on his shoulder. His hand subtly caressed your skin, while, almost without realizing it, he pressed a kiss gently on your head.

When life passes before you like any other day there are so many things you take for granted. Things you get used to and never notice again. But when you are on the verge of death, everything takes on a different color, a different intensity.

He took his time to smell your hair. To smell you. Pressed against your body, he began to remember all the moments you spent together. Seeing each other grow from each corner to later become an unstoppable team. Understanding each other with nothing more than glances. Enjoying the silence and the voice of the other. Giving each other peace in war and bringing each other war in moments of peace. The knock on your door every time he was given permission to choose his teammate for missions. Dragging him to the bar every time he refused to have a social life, more out of fear than lack of want. Contradicting each other for the sheer pleasure to prove the other wrong. Admiring each other in silence.

There you were, in every corner of his life, And for his bad and good luck, apparently, you would also be at his last breath. He kissed your hair again. Your tears found no pause but the silence of both was profound. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore, anything you could say seemed pointless. The warmth of his skin accompanied your hope, which was lost little by little with each tear. You turned to look at him. He took a breath to look at you.

 Nothing shone as bright as your eyes.

"...I hope that light awaits me at the end of the tunnel..."

"What light?"

"The light in your eyes..." and he closed his eyes to kiss you.

He caressed your hair until he reached your neck, he went down your shoulders and your back without taking his lips off yours, feeling the heat of your body, the life of your body. And the life in his, rising, ready to give himself fully, to take you fully. Every single corner of your bodies, every single corner of your lives.

He had always been yours. His life had always been yours. He couldn't let go now. He had to keep fighting. For his life and yours and yours. 

There is no truce when it comes to love.

************************************

A/N: This is something I firts wrote in spanish entirely and then translated it so I apologize for the weird parts. It was hard to get the vibe right.  (It's not really edited, only translated and I'm pretty sure I'll edit it as I read it again, like I always do)

This is the Spanish (original version) in case you want to check it out :3

Also I wrote this mainly with Kakashi in mind because i love him more than my life but I think it fits for Itachi too so tell me what you think and/or if it made you think of any other charachter (Naruto or whatever)