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red-river-rocknroll-request-line · 5 years

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Braindead: A Fan’s Dissection

When I first saw this film a good number of years ago I was left dumbfounded. How could anything possibly be this good?? How could humanity top this film?? I wore it like a badge of honor: “I saw Braindead. You know it’s been rated as the goriest film of all time.” And all my friends in school were like “yeah, whatever.” I would come home from school, grab myself a Dr. Pepper, and sit down and watch it again. This obsession lasted for weeks—maybe months. It’s been so long I can’t really remember.

Point is: I adored this film the first time I saw it and I adore it even more now. This film is everything. It is—dare I say—Perfect.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Braindead (or Dead Alive), I urge you to find it and watch it immediately before continuing to read my break down of it. I’m going to spoil a lot of it in this review.

Is this a review? It’s really just me gushing about it. It’s off-the-rails, hilarious, super gory, and a total blast. However, I hope you have a strong stomach, cos it’s really disgusting too.

Anyway, let’s take off, shall we?

Let’s start with our main character: Lionel Cosgrove. He’s played by actor Timothy Balme in his first ever role. Lionel is a rather well-off young man who lives with his mother, Vera (Elizabeth Moody). He’s an awkward and shy boy; the first glimpse we get of him is him fumbling with a fruit display in a shop. Very soon after this, he spills a box of black licorice and pens all over the counter. Then very soon after that, he backs into a streetcar, nearly getting run over.

He’s super emotive/expressive and the perfect protagonist for this movie.

Now that I’m thinking about it, Braindead is really a coming-of-age film for Lionel.

Let’s dive a little bit into his backstory. He has a memory of nearly drowning at the beach and his father diving in to save him. Then, before his father could get out of the water, a “freak wave” comes along and pulls him out to sea, causing him to drown. Lionel is haunted by this memory, and very clearly feels partially responsible for his father’s death. His mother uses this guilt to get him to bend to her every whim.

Lionel’s mother, Vera, is extremely manipulative. The first scene with her she’s waving a carving knife around. In many ways she is like Margaret White from “Carrie.” Overbearing, mildly threatening, etc. She keeps Lionel at her beck and call.

At the end of the film, when Lionel finds out the truth about what really happened to his father, he stands up and confronts his mother. For probably the first time in his entire life, he stands up to her! Good for you, Lionel! See? That’s why it’s a coming-of-age film!

I want to switch over now to Paquita, who is played by Diana Peñalver. Paquita is actually the first of the main cast we’re introduced to in the film. She works in a small corner store with her family—we only ever see her father and grandmother, but Lionel mentions at one point in the film that she has a brother. Paquita is a young woman determined to find the love of her life. She is very outgoing and independent. She kicks ass in this movie.

One of the great things about Paquita is that she has a strong will. I feel like the stereotypical way her character could’ve been written (love interest) would be for her to be the damsel in distress. However, since our main character Lionel is such an awkward guy who doesn’t really act without reason, we need someone to prompt him to action. This is fulfilled mostly by Paquita throughout the film.

There’s a scene I like where Paquita comes over to Lionel’s house to return his jacket. Lionel, nervous as heck because “Mum” is just down the hall, tries to tell her that he can’t see her anymore. Brokenhearted, Paquita offers him a red rose before turning away. I like how the stereotypical roles are reversed here: she sneaks up to his window and she gives him a flower. It’s refreshing. It also shows how much of a go-getter Paquita is.

I guess I should back up a bit and clarify why Paquita is so interested in a punching bag like Lionel. Paquita’s grandmother does a tarot spread to see who the man of Paquita’s future is. Initially Paquita is disappointed that it’s not the delivery man that she’s been flirting with. However, after her grandmother reads that Paquita will have one romance that will last forever, Paquita becomes interested again. Her grandmother says she will recognize the man of her future by the “Symbol of the Star.” Soon after, Lionel comes through the door, spills the licorice and pens which fall into the shape of the star. After seeing this, Paquita starts pursuing Lionel, believing he is the man of her future.

Let’s get back on track with why Paquita is so cool.

When the movies kicks itself into 12th gear and the bloodbath starts, Lionel and Paquita get separated and Paquita has to defend herself. She hides in a pantry with a large knife and when tapped on the shoulder, she wildly stabs at whoever did it. Finding out it’s one of the partygoers, Paquita immediately tries to comfort and protect her.

I just think it’s great that there’s a good chunk of the movie where Paquita and a character named Rita are by themselves, barricading themselves in the kitchen and taking care of each other. Well, it’s mostly Paquita taking care of Rita, but still. It’s just two girls kicking ass together. Then later they tear Void’s legs in half and start batting away zombies with the legs. THEN later still when Lionel is in the lobby during the famous lawnmower scene, Paquita takes the body parts that come flying her way and grinds them up in a food processor. She kicks ass! She doesn’t need prompting, she doesn’t need saving… she’s a girl who knows what she wants and knows how to handle herself.

Also I love it when she spits in Uncle Les’ face when she rips his spine off and then smashes his head on the counter. Nice!

Speaking of smashing heads, I want to talk about how people are seemingly made of jell-o in this movie. Especially when people become zombies. Limbs can get ripped off easily, two heads colliding can make one explode, a whole body falling off a banister can cause it to explode in blood and guts when it hits the floor. It’s outstanding. And so cartoonish!

This whole movie is basically a really gory, really violent cartoon. The huge glass bottles labeled “Tranquilizer” and “Poison” with a skull and cross bones but uh-oh! It was actually Animal Stimulant! Ooooops! Lionel’s facial expressions throughout the whole movie, all the physical comedy… even the meat grinder in the kitchen is labeled ACME. Everything in this movie is about 30 miles over the top. It’s a love story, a coming of age story, a splatterfest, and a comedy all rolled into one.

I could keep going on and on about how this move is the holy grail of horror/splatter comedies, but I think I’ve gushed enough for now. And really, if you still haven’t seen it (I know it’s kind of difficult to get a hold of) after reading this review or whatever this is, you’re missing out. It’s so disgusting and fun! On top of that, it’s got a sweet little love story in it. ♥

Thanks for reading! Stay gory, stay fun!

EXCELLENT MOMENTS

- Gluing Vera’s cheek back on. I just love how she says: “Oh.” So benign. The scene of Lionel gluing her cheek back on her face looks so painful and it’s just like what?? That’s the best solution you had? Absolute gold.

- “Damn fine custard!” Euugh oh my god. The scene of Mr. Matheson taking a heaping spoonful of custard contaminated with Vera’s bloody puss into his mouth is scarring. In that scene, we, the audience, ARE Nora Matheson. Her eyes bulge and she covers her mouth to stifle a gag. Then she looks over in horror as Vera eats her own ear with a spoonful of custard. Poor Nora has to leave the room before she vomits. Some of the audience might want to vomit as well.

- Lionel coming down to the basement wearing like hockey goalie armor or whatever that is as well as a helmet, goggles, rubber boots, and gloves in hopes of protecting himself from “Mum” and Nurse McTavish. Of course Lionel falls all over the place and most of his armor comes off while fighting against the two zombies, but he lives somehow.

- Continuing with Lionel, I love love love all the scenes where he’s all unshaven and greasy as he tries to figure out what to do with the zombies in his basement. I love in the graveyard when he tranquilizes Void and just sits down with his head in his hands like “Ah Jesus, could this get any worse?” Like, he’s too stupid (or soft I guess) to just hack the zombies to pieces and be done with it. If he were to do that, this whole mess could’ve been avoided.

- “I kick ass for the LORD!” This was the scene that I saw on youtube and then immediately decided that I needed this movie in my life. It’s so out of the blue, it’s so silly. The benign and somewhat irritable priest at Vera’s funeral is SO READY for the rapture or whatever that when he sees zombies in the graveyard he jumps down on them and kicks the shit out of them (before tragically getting bit in the neck by the zombie’s head that he had kicked up in the air and then running and drop-kicking so hard that he goes flying and gets speared by a grave marker statue). Bless you, Father McGruder.

- Uncle Les’ murder spree. Honestly, as shitty of a guy Uncle Les is, he really knows how to handle himself in a zombie outbreak. He’s a sadistic wack-job for sure, but if it wasn’t for him, Paquita and Lionel would probably have twice the amount of zombies to contend with. Uncle Les hacks up dozens of them in the kitchen and then lights himself a cigarette.

- Lionel dangling upside-down in the lobby. There’s so much chaos going on in the house, and I love that it gets tied together in a sense when Lionel falls from the attic but is caught by some electrical wiring which, over in the kitchen, yanks Mandy and her lit-up head back into the wall. I love Lionel dangling uselessly in the lobby for a small portion of the movie. Paquita runs up to him and kisses his cheek, Void’s intestines in the attic try to pull him back into the ceiling, Uncle Les shoves him out of the way causing him to start swinging around… I love the chaos of it. I love it. I can’t get enough.

- “Party’s over.” Of course. The bloodbath. The holy grail of bloodbaths. Lionel throws the doors open holding a lawnmower in front of him. He revs it up and starts plowing through the zombies in the lobby. The scene is set to a waltz number as Lionel grinds bodies seemingly made of jell-o to a bloody mess. Limbs and blood and guts are flying everywhere. It’s amazing. I also love the scene where Lionel flips the portrait of the Queen around before he let’s out a battle cry and continues to puree the zombies.

Feel free to add your favorite moments too!

#braindead #dead alive #movie reviews #timothy balme #diana penalver #elizabeth moody #lionel cosgrove #paquita maria sanchez #gore #blood #horror #cult film #peter jackson

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occultdigest · 6 years

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@huntergathers @diemondsichel A two for one special! Under the cut just to keep it shorter

Tib! Nasty Little Man!

Full Name: Tiberius Jethro Rex (Jethro after his granddad) Gender and Sexuality: Cis Guy/Gay Pronouns: he/him Ethnicity/Species: A human Birthplace and Birthdate: Haven’t figured a date for Bloodborne but for all intents and purposes, he’s 25 and was born somewhere in Northern Arkansas Guilty Pleasures (pleasures because he’s not guilty about anything): Murder, singing and dancing, drawing attention Phobias: Not really fears but hates not to be seen and hates having to sit still What They Would Be Famous For: Murder (he already is), some sort of Performance Art What They Would Get Arrested For: See previous OC You Ship Them With: Got no OCs I ship them with (a canon would be a horribly messy greasy relationship with Brador) OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Absolutely everyone and anyone, but Sliabh’s the one first in line Favorite Movie/Book Genre (in a general modern setting): He prefers movies/TV, Likes action stuff, musical/dance stuff but is very particular about the sound and aesthetics, violent splatterfest, horror Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: Hates the trope “If you kill them, you’re no better” Talents and/or Powers: Extraordinarily powerful luck, very quick and agile, stronger than he looks, can sing fairly well and plays 3 instruments, is a pro at knife throwing Why Someone Might Love Them: Very honest and unapologetic about himself, very funny, when he works he’s very hardworking Why Someone Might Hate Them: A fair amount of reasons, but he’s a thief, a liar (not about himself but other things), killer, obnoxious, incredibly self-righteous How They Change: He does soften up a bit and actually takes some responsibility for some actions Why You Love Them: He’s funny horrible and so fun to write and draw because of it

My big gal...

Full Name: Sliabh Annabeth Donard Gender and Sexuality: Cis Gal/GNC Lebsian Pronouns: she/her Ethnicity/Species: Human Birthplace and Birthdate: Newcastle, Ireland/ She’s 34 Guilty Pleasures: Murder, Writing Sappy Letters Phobias: Haaaaates Arcane stuff and Great Ones What They Would Be Famous For: Murder (already is) What They Would Get Arrested For: See previous OC You Ship Them With: No OCs, but the canon character would be Arianna OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Hhhh around the same amount as Tib (and yes, Tib would be the first to kill her) Favorite Movie/Book Genre (in a general modern setting): Likes spooky gothic stuff, some action, crime drama, horror Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: Woman immediately falling in love with an annoying man the moment he’s nice, kids getting hurt Talents and/or Powers: Can’t feel pain, is very good at picking up new weapons skills, very well educated, very skilled at butcher work Why Someone Might Love Them: She’s very dedicated to certain people and things, very responsible and respectful, hardworker, is very soft and gentle when needed, protective Why Someone Might Hate Them: Very stern and hostile at times, violent at the drop of a hat, very strict with rules, glares a lot How They Change: Wouldn’t want to delve into it too much,but watch God of War (2018) and you’ll get the vague gist of it Why You Love Them: Big mean and hot lesbian, very stoic but gentle, it’s fun to draw her scowling and glaring

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krokodile · 5 years

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Tumblr has decided that one of my posts “may contain adult content” and thus is blocked from public view. However, after digging all the way back through to February, there’s no indicator that it’s been flagged. So I can’t contest it.

It’s a fucking movie review post.

I can only assume the bot spazzed out because it contains a review of the documentary “Fagbug.”

Needless to say I’m reposting everything now because I AM SO FUCKING PISSED. Gay activist movies with inflammatory titles are “adult content.”

(I mean, it sucked, but still.)

Aside from that, I can’t find any content that would anger a bot. I mean, if the bot sat down and watched Take Me to the River, it’d probably get mad, but I don’t explicitly discuss any of its content, so...it included a picture of a child in a bathing suit from the waist up? Is that it? Did one of the movie posters look like nudity somehow? Because I looked at all of them and aside from the potentially triggering flesh tones in Happy Death Day’s poster (that creepy baby face sure is sexy amirite) I, again, see nothing.

And since you can no longer access the posts directly the only way to get the content back is to either harass tumblr via email until they allow the post back up or crawl through your posts on your own account, which can’t be done by day, just by page number. I can’t begin to imagine how shitty this is for people who have original content worth preserving.

movies watched in 2018

take me to the river: guys, here’s the thing. horror is my favorite genre and i’m pretty deadened to everything with “shock value” in film. this little indie drama here, though? this genuinely managed to shock me. i was sitting there at one point unable to believe i was actually watching what i was watching.

please keep in mind that i don’t think that scene was included for the sake of shock value; it was relevant and likely necessary. i’m just saying that NOTHING gets to me in that way, and this did.

it’s a fantastic film, albeit one of those annoying enigmas with no real answers. i would love to have an hour alone with the screenwriter just to find out what they were thinking of in terms of backstories. every major performance is perfect - logan miller is incredible. everyone’s performance is understated, natural and authentic. the little girl who played molly - not sure of her name but i recognized her from “louie” - holds her own with some amazing adult performances and is just as authentic as everyone else. robin reigert is quietly devastating, josh hamilton is equally quietly terrifying, richard schiff and azura skye disappear completely into their characters.

the pacing is on the slow side, but it works well for the story. i watched the entire thing with my stomach in knots, having no idea in hell where it was going. on several occasions i genuinely expected a murder. i’m not used to movies this quiet and slow being so unpredictable. i had to keep pausing it to shake off the tension. it’s also incredibly beautiful to look at.

this is one of those indie gems that is absolutely not for everyone - it touches on some subject matter than many would find deeply upsetting. and i think the film means to be deeply upsetting, but again, it’s in a way that’s not for everyone.

i do wish there were more answers, because i have so many questions, but it does guarantee i’ll be thinking about this movie for years to come, so maybe they did that on purpose.

as an aside, i kept thinking that the little girl looked incredibly familiar, and then it hit me. she looks like a miniature allison case.

change the hair color and she’s an absolute ringer.

(i also got a smile out of her name reveal, just because it’s her cousin asking her how to spell it and she starts with m, and for whatever reason i’m like “oh wouldn’t it be funny if we had the same name,” and at the -o i’m like trying to guess, “maybe she’s morgan, or -”; -l “...ha. awesome.” -l-y “well i’m glad they spelled it properly.” dunno why that amused me, but it did.)

it - better than i thought it would be in some ways. it’s not scary at all and the horror aspects are largely bungled, which is a shame because the dude playing pennywise is pretty creepy and could’ve done better stuff with a better script. i hate the changes they made to beverly’s character, and she and the kid from book of henry were so obnoxiously precocious and precious. that said, all the other kids were fantastic, including that kid i generally dislike from stranger things. he was hilarious, and he and the rest of the pack of boys were so natural in their roles you just started to believe that’s who they were. i’m vaguely looking forward to the sequel.

mammoth - a rewatch; it’s still the same infuriating mansplainy trash it was the first time around, but i wanted mom to see michelle williams’s performance, so. the cast really is perfect; that’s the one thing it has going for it.

marwencol - this guy’s photography is amazing, and his story is super interesting, but what kept jumping out at me was how fucking great this dude’s coping mechanisms were, even if they looked a little odd. for example, he has a crush on his married neighbor, so he added a doll based on her to his little village with the intent of having that doll marry the doll that’s his avatar. the woman got weirded out, told him it wasn’t cool - so he dealt with the rejection by creating a sorceress character who blinked the neighbor character out of that universe and hooked it up with that guy’s character. like...that’s the weirdest way i’ve ever seen someone handle rejection, but also kinda the healthiest. he said repeatedly that he had no interesting in actually pursuing his neighbor romantically because he respected that she was married. he never said a cruel word to her, or complained to the camera about her being a bitch or ungrateful or whatever dumb shit people come up with. absolutely no threats or hints of violence. just “i’m hurt by this rejection, so fuck it, i’m erasing her from this narrative.” like...that’s honestly brilliant. don’t know why this stuck with me more than anything else, but it did. i know there’s a drama adaptation coming out soon with steve carell, and i expect that’ll be great.

maudie - i adore sally hawkins so much. i haven’t seen the shape of water yet; i really only know her from paddington, but there’s just something about her that makes me like her. and her performance in this is stellar. i know nothing about maud lewis (besides the fact that i like her paintings) but sally hawkins was easy to fall in love with. sweet, smart, shrewd, just a hell of a mind but also a huge heart.

happy death day - i was NOT expecting to enjoy this as much as i did. it’s really perfectly executed for the type of movie it is. great comedy - one of the funniest onscreen kills i’ve ever seen - genuine danger and stakes (a rarity in groundhog day type movies), and a main character with actual depth; enough so that you actually care about her and want her to survive this movie (i don’t recognize the actress, but she does a great job with the role). and a fucking fantastic red herring that totally caught me off-guard. i was expecting something dumb, a carelessly written splatterfest aimed at the lowest common denominator. (yeah i’m a horror snob fuck you.) actually there’s very little blood/gore, which apparently bothered some viewers, but i don’t think any effect was minimized without it. i had a ton of fun watching it. didn’t expect that.

dunkirk - i’m just gonna say it. it was bad. i’m generally pretty neutral on war movies - for the most part they’re not my thing but there are plenty i’ve enjoyed and plenty i’ve been able to appreciate as good filmmaking even if the film itself wasn’t for me. this movie is just not good. generic war movie created around a truly amazing true story that could have been an amazing film. wasted opportunity.

fagbug - i completely understand why the gay community had worse things to say about this person than heteros did. ugh. stop making actual tragedies about you, stop talking over people and stop acting like an epic victim.

before i wake - surprisingly not bad, could’ve been better. liked it better before the last few minutes. it had some clever ideas and it was fun putting everything together, but having it put together for us takes the fun out of it, and making the kids’ “powers” unambiguous is a little...hard to swallow i guess? but it’s still surprisingly pretty good.

under the arctic sky - random netflix generator told me to watch this and while cold water surfing isn’t something i’m super interested in, the photography is gorgeous. i can’t pretend i didn’t cry like a little bitch watching the one guy surfing under the northern lights. just...the world is just awesome.

original post url

http://krokodile.tumblr.com/post/170571715555

#movies watched in 2018 #MWi2018: fagbug #gay #MWi2018: take me to the river #MWi2018: dunkirk #MWi2018: before i wake #horror movies #horror movies: before i wake #MWi2018: under the arctic sky #horror movies: happy death day #MWi2018: happy death day #MWi2018: marwencol #MWi2018: maudie #MWi2018: mammoth #MWi2018: it 2017 #horror movies: it 2017

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slashertalks · 6 years

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I can't believe I'm asking this or just I've had the thoughts to ask this before. This will he before I ask you about Freddy Vs Jason. But the Scream franchise? Your thoughts but just your icon being Stu and your header image, and saw a icon of Billy from someone you reblogged. As a guy who isn't a fan of the franchise and I've had thought at times to watch the first fully or something. I know lots of stuff due to searching up stuff and pop culture. I just want to hear your opinions.

OK so I LOVE the first Scream, it’s so so SO good!! but I’ve heard from a very trusted friend that the second one is Not Worth Watching, so I have absolutely no interest in anything beyond the very first movie lol (I have so many hangups about the MTV mask aesthetically that I couldn’t bring myself to watch the show either tbh) -- the first Scream is another of the first horror movies I saw so it also has a special place in my heart bc of that as well

anyways I kind of have a hard time picking this part because its just.. really fun? like it’s not shoving any message in your face, it’s just a real return to form for Wes Craven- like I live + breathe the original Nightmare on Elm Street, and Scream is just as high up there as NoES. I’ll admit I haven’t seen a TON of his movies, but The Serpent and the Rainbow came between NoES and Scream (amidst TV movies and some other films that look... just oof) and I could barely get through it- I remember the movie being super boring? I honestly had no idea it was Wes Craven at the time because it was totally the opposite of what I expected from him, so that’s why I say ‘return to form.’

I think the movie’s strongest points are its characters- they’re all really easy to love (even after an initial viewing, when you know the twist reveal of the killer). Billy’s got this very caring side towards Sidney, and even tho he has real frustrations wrt her trauma he’s willing to work things out with her + apologize- he’s also got a good camaraderie with Stu and just has a very grounded, even presence that balances Stu out excellently. Stu on the other hand is like, obviously the goofball + kind of a dickhead (the whole “Liver alone!” joke being a prime example) but he’s genuinely well-meaning and arguably over-affectionate? he picks Tatum up, hugs her, leans on her, like he’s very physical with her. He also leans on Randy when he and Billy corner him in the video rental shop so Stu’s probably just touchy-feely in general lol, but it’s a little trait that lends him a realness, you feel?

Tatum could’ve very easily fallen into the “bitchy best friend” stereotype but she’s honestly just protective? like yeah she’s sarcastic and whacks Stu in the head with a sucker but that’s like.. Stu deserved it because he IS a shithead, and while she can be snappy with Gale she does it to defend Sidney. She also puts up a really good fight against Ghostface, and has a neat discussion about female killers (Basic Instinct is her example) with the rest of the gang in the beginning. Sidney on the other hand has her own tough side which develops throughout the film as she’s faced with the killer, but like is realistically traumatized and is only ever presented as reasonable- they totally could’ve demonized her as a bad girlfriend because she won’t have sex with Billy but as we find out about her mother it’s like “oh yeah,” and you have a lot of compassion for her because of how she’s painted throughout the rest of the film

Randy is sort of the outlier here because he’s such an obvious red herring? like he’s the geeky horror-obsessed character that would’ve been the villain in like any other iteration of this movie, but instead he just kind of.... sidekicks his way out of death lmao. He’s the one who presents the rules of horror movies to us (don’t drink/do drugs, don’t have sex, and never say “I’ll be right back”), and when we find out he’s not dead, his line? “I never thought I’d be so happy to be a virgin.” Like, I really couldn’t imagine Scream without Randy-- sure, he’s just kind of... there; he doesn’t add a ton to the story, he’s not super integral to the plot, but he serves as a sort of audience surrogate and I feel like the movie would be missing something without him. He’s also a nice twist on the usual “watching violent media makes you violent!!!” thing

So, like, when we find out who the killer is (avoiding description in case others haven’t seen it/don’t know the reveal lol), the killer gives us that often-used line “movies don’t create psychos, movies make psychos more creative!” I think the quote’s a liiiiiiiitle oversaturated as like this edgy thing when it nicely encapsulates the film’s message? It’s not this big poetic thing, it’s just arguing that the “the reason X killed Y is because of [insert type of violent media]” mentality is complete bullshit. We establish that the killer had already decided to commit all these murders, each act was completely premeditated, the killer just turned to horror movies to see HOW to commit the crimes- it wasn’t a case of “he watched one horror movie and it turned poor little Jimmy into a violent serial killer completely out of the blue!” Then, on the other hand, the character who watches horror movies regularly for fun is the character who gives us the exposition we need and provides key advice to Sidney to help her survive (”this is the moment when the supposedly-dead killer comes back to life for a final scare”). It’s a really refreshing message to get as a horror fan

like overall though Scream’s just super fun? it gives us the tension we want, it gives us violent attacks and guts and gore (Casey’s death in the very beginning is sooooo good), but it never gets overbearing. Like yeah, sometimes I do want a splatterfest, and Scream is a very 90s movie (it shows, but it works for the film- imagining Scream in a post-90s setting makes me go.... eurgh.......), but it’s also one of the most wholeheartedly enjoyable horror movies I’ve ever watched. There’s no schlock, no parts that make me yawn- it just checks off a lot of boxes for me when it comes to fun horror movies and remains very rewatchable even if you know who the killer is

#ask #thnx yo!!!!

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racingtoaredlight · 5 years

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The degenerate’s guide to college football TV watch ‘em ups, 2019 season, week 6

Not sure if anybody has reminded you lately but there is only one OCTOBER!!! And we’re in it. October is breast cancer awareness month and one of only four annual truck months. The first football weekend of October features three top 25 matchups, which isn’t terrible, but two of them are B1G conference games. And they each feature a team from the state of Michigan who probably won’t be in the top 25 come tomorrow.

So now that I have you all pumped up for it, let’s get to the games! As per usual, the schedule is copied and pasted from FBSchedules and gambling info, where it’s provided, is from Vegas Insider. NOW ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!????!???? IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER!!!!

Saturday, October 5

Matchup Time (ET) TV/Mobile

TCU at Iowa State 12:00pm ESPN2

TCU is tough to figure out. So is Iowa State for that matter. But I think Gary Patterson got back on track last week and the Cyclones -3.5 looks bad to me so... load up the Cyclones, I guess.

14 Iowa at 19 Michigan 12:00pm FOX

The line is moving towards Iowa but it’s still Michigan -4. I think the sharps are on Iowa here but I don’t trust it. This looks like a horrible game for purposes of watching.

Kent State at 8 Wisconsin 12:00pm ESPNU

Wisconsin’s defense might be great but the Badgers still kept it close against Northwestern last week. That’s a big red flag for me but not so big that I think Kent State +35 is smart money. I hope Chryst runs it up like crazy.

Maryland at Rutgers 12:00pm BTN

It’s been a long couple of weeks since Maryland’s offense looked good. But I bet Rutgers can get them back in the swing of things. Terps and the over.

6 Oklahoma at Kansas 12:00pm ABC

The line has moved towards Kansas and I’ve got nothing. I love Les Miles and those plucky Jayhawks but come the fuck on. Oklahoma’s gunning for 80. Also, I love KU football for all the failure so I’m in the bag for either 95-0 Oklahoma or KU pulling one of the more monumental regular season upsets in memory.

21 Oklahoma State at Texas Tech 12:00pm FS1

TIRED: Bet the over. WIRED: Chuba Hubbard hits the over by himself.

Purdue at 12 Penn State 12:00pm ESPN

Rondale Moore won’t play but he’s not out for the year. Supposedly. He should be, though, right? No reason to chance it with one of the best players in the country on a garbage program like Purdue. Penn State is favored by 28 and, as much as I hate to say this, they’re wildly undervalued even though that’s up 11.5 from where the line opened. This is going to be an all out splatterfest.

Tulane at Army 12:00pm CBSSN

This game is a metaphor. The environment vs. the troops. The environment is favored.

USF at UConn 12:00pm CBSSports.com

As godawful as USF has been this year they’re still favored by 11 on the road in a conference game. UConn should consider dropping football.

Utah State at 5 LSU 12:00pm SECN

Jordan Love goes to Death Valley to face a bunch of future first round picks in the LSU secondary. That’s fun for scouting but LSU should destroy USU.

Boston College at Louisville 12:30pm RSN

No idea what to say here.

Eastern Michigan at Central Michigan 3:00pm ESPN+

We’re about to run through a bunch of MAC games.

Virginia Tech at Miami (FL) 3:30pm ESPN

But before we get to all that MAC first we have to deal with this MAC-level disaster. Miami has pretty much sucked so far this year but maybe they fixed everything in the week off. More likely, Justin Fuente will get off the hotseat for a week after winning on the road against a Miami team dressed up as pumpkins.

Western Michigan at Toledo 3:30pm ESPN+

O/u 74, 1.5-point line. These teams are interchangeable. Not just Toledo and Western Michigan - the entire MAC is a jumble of teams that are exactly the same and Buffalo. Buffalo sucks way differently than the rest of the MAC.

Ohio at Buffalo 3:30pm ESPN+

Buffalo sucks differently than the rest of the MAC but they still suck.

Marshall at Middle Tennessee 3:30pm Facebook

I want to love this game but it looks fucking horrible.

Arkansas State at Georgia State 3:30pm ESPN+

ESPN+ is definitely a government conspiracy. Real deep state channels over here. The other Arkansas is favored on the road in a matchup of two middling offenses and two of the worst defenses in the country. I’m tempted to say hit that over of 69.5 with the Red Wolves winning. I don’t know about that line, though.

11 Texas at West Virginia 3:30pm ABC

I am not enjoying Heisman hype for Texas’ QB but I don’t think WFV is the team to bring him back down to earth.

Illinois at Minnesota 3:30pm BTN

Minnesota may be the worst 4-0 team in the country but if they are you can put money on them being the worst 5-0 team in the country, too. I think Tanner Morgan is pretty good as far as B1G passers go and the “worst...” unbeaten team thing could very easily extend to the worst 8-0 team in the country.

Bowling Green at 9 Notre Dame 3:30pm NBC

I very strongly disliked Notre Dame for a long time before they bought their coach’s way out of a murder trial but the line for this game is laugh out loud shit and I’m fully on board with it. Domers by 46 with an o/u of 63 is a thing of beauty even if it glorifies pure evil.

Baylor at Kansas State 3:30pm ESPN2

Kansas State’s mimicry of a good team might be breaking down after getting run over by Chuba Hubbard & Co. last week but a win by Baylor could get the Bears into the top 25. I need the ghost of Taco Bill (yes, I’m aware) to rouse the Wildcats for a stomping of Baylor.

Ball State at NIU 3:30pm ESPN3

Do whatever you want with this.

7 Auburn at 10 Florida 3:30pm CBS

Fantastic uniform matchup featuring some almost great Florida throwbacks to Steve Spurrier’s Heisman season. I wish the stripes on the shoulders went all the way around. Otherwise they’re perfect.

Air Force at Navy 3:30pm CBSSN

I haven’t gotten a handle on Air Force this year but this is not a good Navy team. Maybe the Paul Johnson offense has finally run its course in Annapolis? Usually you can count on a senior QB to make the option hum for the Middies but they aren’t looking like anything special through three games in 2019. Here’s hoping they can find their rhythm as home dogs.

Memphis at ULM 3:45pm ESPNU

Kenny Gainwell came very close to making the RTARLsman list this week but he needs some bigger highlights to get back on there. ULM running back Josh Johnson’s production has gotten worse every week this year. Memphis is a pretty big road favorite and they should be bowl eligible by the time they dip back into conference games.

Troy at Missouri 4:00pm SECN

Kelly Bryant has been OK so far as Missouri’s QB. Which is fine, that’s what Kelly Bryant is: an OK QB. But if he can get more confidence in Derek Dooley’s system he could get a real shot at an NFL roster next year. Games like this one are the best way to build confidence.

North Carolina at Georgia Tech 4:00pm ACCN

UNC has looked well-coached but talent-deficient so far this year while Georgia Tech has looked untalented and undisciplined. Here in the ACC that means this game is a tossup.

Northwestern at Nebraska 4:00pm FOX

I’d like to think Nebraska can never climb out of their 15 years-long rut but maybe Scott Frost is the real deal. If he is then this game should be a walkover for the Huskers. Look for a close game that hinges on some comically bad execution.

Arizona at Colorado 4:30pm Pac-12N

Khalil Tate and Laviska Shenault are still cool. That brings a tear to my eye.

WKU at Old Dominion 6:00pm ESPN+

This is the kind of football we live for in these posts. All gambling, no sentimentality, weird uniforms, and a matchup that would look great in the March Madness First Four. But it’s part of the Disney plot to overthrow Ukraine.

3 Georgia at Tennessee 7:00pm ESPN

By what right do I hate Tennessee? And yet, my desire to see them keep falling to deeper and deeper depths is boundless. I don’t particularly like Georgia but I want them to win by 60+. They can do it but are they cool enough to do it? I doubt it. Look at their coach’s haircut. He must use a woodchipper like a Flowbee to get that look. Maybe he found a barber in the countryside of 12th century France.

Rice at UAB 7:00pm ESPN+

UAB is dead to me. Favored by only 10 at home against Rice? That’s disgusting.

UMass at FIU 7:00pm ESPN3

Butch Davis is having quite the struggle trying to put FIU together as a program. Things are in a very bad place for FL Int’l (pronounced “Flinn-tull”) even though the school is in a very nice place.

25 Michigan State at 4 Ohio State 7:30pm ABC

I know Mark D’Antonio has gotten some crazy results in his time as Michigan State’s head coach but this looks bleak. Brian Lewerke truly sucks and Chase Young is getting Myles Garrett comparisons. 20-points is a huge number for a game like this but I’ll be pretty surprised if the Buckeyes of An Ohio State University don’t beat the spread.

Tulsa at 24 SMU 7:30pm ESPNU

SMU with that little number next to it is a sight to behold. So last week I guessed that it had been since 1986 that the Mustangs were ranked and that was correct. How smart I must be. I’m really curious how they deal with that success. It seems silly but that ranking is a really big deal for the Ponyfuckers. Here’s hoping they sprint right past 13-points and pull away from Tulsa for a decisive win.

Vanderbilt at Mississippi 7:30pm SECN

AJ Brown and DK Metcalf already look like stars in the NFL. Remember the offense they were in last year that struggled getting them the ball and had them run a combined four total routes? Haha. Fuck both of these teams, though. Nobody cares what happens here.

UTSA at UTEP 8:00pm ESPN+

El Paso versus San Antonio, aka “The Bigger Even Boringer El Paso.” Everything is bigger in Texas. Even Texas.

Liberty at New Mexico State 8:00pm FloSports

Put some prop money on Antonio Gandy-Golden and ignore everything else in this game. Maybe even ignore Gandy-Golden.

Pitt at Duke 8:00pm ACCN

Goddamn does this game suck. Go Panthers.

California at 13 Oregon 8:00pm FOX

The Berkeley Bears don’t have much of an offense but their defense is good enough to keep things within 20 here. I’d put money on Justin Herbert throwing his first pick of the year, Cal to cover, and Oregon to win.

Oregon State at UCLA 9:00pm Pac-12N

Chip Kelly’s revival as a football genius lasted exactly one half. Here the Bruins and Beavers matchup in the Rose Bowl to sully the reputation of that great stadium.

San Diego State at Colorado State 10:00pm ESPN2

MWC, baby! Fun stuff for me even if CSU is a trash heap. SDSU is no great shakes this year but at least the setting and the uniforms clash are cool.

16 Boise State at UNLV 10:30pm CBSSN

Boise by 100. Book it.

15 Washington at Stanford 10:30pm ESPN

Stanford was one of the biggest disappointments of the season’s first month. This is the perfect spot for David Shaw and his team of sleepmakers to bore Washington to death and, at least, keep it closer than 15.

#saturday post #football #college football #watch em ups #rtarl watches tv #degenerate football

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