#And then I spent a year going insane trying to convince myself it wouldn't be that obvious

[rassicas]

again, just so you guys know I'm not still interested in speculating on side order. all we have is one purposely vague trailer that's already been analyzed frame by frame....and honestly im glad it's so vague since with rotm I and others correctly guessed the general plot immediately

don't send me asks about my predictions im just waiting for more info or even better they suddenly release it with no other trailer that would be insane

something something agent 8 off the hook whale skeleton coral bleaching cloning we didn't start the fire

[nothing0fnothing]

I have beautiful curly hair. I was born with it and I inherited it from my mum.

So how is it I grew up insanely jealous of my mums curly hair when I have the exact same hair as her? Because she never told me my hair is curly.

I spent my young years and my vulnerable teen years so insecure because my hair was frizzy, unmanageable, greasy and wouldn't hold a style. I was so embarrassed of my hair I'd fry it with flat irons and curling rods every morning trying to make it look normal. I used to wash it twice every morning, blow dry it with mousse, heat style it till I smelled burning then hairpray the shit out of it. By the end of the day it was a poofy, greasy mess again.

I'd hide it in buns and ponytails because I hated it so much and I'd beg the hairdresser to do something, anything to make it more manageable. All this while my mum luxuriated in her lush curls and told me I just had bad hair.

So, one day, when I was 17, I chopped all my hair off with kitchen scissors, and as it grew out undamaged, I noticed tiny little curls. I asked my mum what I should do to nurture them.

"Those aren't curls" she snorted. "Those are cowlicks. You gave them to yourself when you chopped all your hair off."

"I don't think they are" I said, pulling one straight and letting it bounce up like a spring.

"Curly hair is a lot of effort darling, you'd never be up to the task of taking care of it. You'll get bored and it'll look like shit like before." She said. "Stick to what you know" she said.

So I took to YouTube and looked up "how to care for curly hair" then I took my paycheck to the drugstore and I bought all the products I needed and within a few months I had this beautiful head of short little ringlets. For the first time in my life I loved my own hair.

My mum fucking hated it. She told me it looked worse than ever, she told me I was wasting my money on hair products. As it grew faster than ever, she got more and more impatient with it. She told me I was dooming myself to a life of cropped hair because my clearly inferior hair could never be long and curly like hers was. "Enjoy it while it lasts" she told me "it'll never hold a curl when it's long"

A year later and I'd perfected the routine. It was now shoulder length and beautifully bouncy, I couldn't go anywhere without a compliment and I can see why, it was gorgeous and wild and so, so worth the effort. And yet, every time she saw me she made it a point to let me know that she didn't like it. Tried to convince me I'd made a mistake to embrace my curls. All because she didn't have a hand in it. All because curly hair was her thing and she was jealous I was young and beautiful and had learned to have beautiful hair without her.

[xluciifer]

His relationship with Lilith was like oil and water; as much as oil creates beautiful colors when intertwined with water in their silent dance - it contaminates the substance.

She was snake oil in all her beauty and he fell deeply for the toxifying aura she produced for his senses. She was his hellfire disguised as his saving grace: the epitome to his downfall towards insanity.

He was none the wiser - a now fallen angel. And she played him with his violin of impurity. She became a ghost, the blackness that now haunts and lives in the corners of his peripherals.

7 years is a long time, and he waited, patiently; like a fool, once again. And one day - he snapped. He prayed in vain, to Her, to God once again that wouldn't hear his prayers. But ... that was okay with him.

I'm tired of holding onto you. It's time to let my pride go and learn to love myself again. I don't want to wait another day, I've waited long enough. [ ... ] I've hesitated all my life but I'm all done. I'm done running from you. Spent my whole life in your shadow, scared of who I'd be if I said goodbye and didn't have you here. [ ... ] I love you to death but I can't spend the rest of my life in this darkness; I'm done. I wish you the best but I'm not interested in giving you more of my life, I've already given you too much. [ ... ] Rubbing my face in it and treating me like I'm less than you. Tell the truth, you know I'd be better without you. Been in your shoes, don't be a fool and try to convince me that I'm the real issue when you're the root to every problem. I love you but not enough to allow you to drown the both of us. You're holding me back, you're pulling me down, you're making me hate myself. I don't want to leave, but that's what I need. I ain't got a choice, I can't just let you deceive and make me believe that I don't deserve to be loved. I am not gonna stand aside and watch you attempt to rob and steal and sabotage what little faith I have left. Haven't I given you enough? [ ... ] But I think it's time to let go and say our goodbyes. I'm gonna miss you but I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life running from you.

Running // NF

[donnerpartyofone]

I am not handling anxiety well. I may be experiencing a protracted spike due to (my circumstances and) this new asthma medication I'm still experimenting with, which at the recommended dosage gave me a panic attack so bad it took me out for an entire day. Antidepressants and anxiety meds all make me sick or make my ears ring so bad it makes me want to [redacted]. I don't like being stoned during the day or socially or while working on anything (even creative things), and I wouldn't say it always makes me less anxious anyway. I took a course in transcendental meditation but I could never get to a point with it where it really affected me. I've found other kinds of meditation I like more, but they also don't do much for my general state, they're more fun and interesting to me than therapeutic. Regular exercise doesn't make a noticeable difference in my daily mood (besides which we're out of space, which is why we're moving). I most often just reach for a drink when I can't handle something (unless I'm having a major depressive episode, then I don't want food or drink or drugs or anything). Alcohol is the only thing that depresses my nervous system enough for me to get through certain things. This is pretty dysfunctional. Based on the frequency and intensity of my drinking no one would say I have a "problem", but I know I'm doing something maladaptive. If I had stayed at my old job I would surely have drunk myself to death. I have to spend today going over these really complicated document notes and comparing them to a couple of older drafts to prepare my statements (defenses) for a really difficult meeting tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to get through the preparations or the meeting itself. I mean I'll do it, I have an often tyrannical sense of responsibility and I practically never just flake on things like this or do them half-assedly (which would scare me). Besides which the project has kinda been my life's work and I won't give up on it even if I absolutely feel like it. But I'm suffering under the worries of not knowing whether I can do the task successfully or whether I am Being Insane. I spent an hour and a half last night working on this email to my project partner, who is also a close friend, trying to explain what I'm anticipating with this, and also excusing the fact that I am possibly Being Insane. I got it as short and emotionally controlled as I could, and I'm sure he wouldn't be mad at me for such a thing, but I'm still worried that I can't really tell how acceptable my behavior is. Hilariously, I only convinced myself to write the email because my fucking horoscope told me not to be ashamed of making use of my relationships. In doing so I realized that in all my years of indulging, to varying degrees, in magical thinking, I never did anything specifically because my horoscope said it was a good idea. So, that's something. Maybe I'm not as far gone as I thought. Or maybe I'm only getting there NOW! Anyway I wish I had an Adderall. I am not a person who NEEDS Adderall, but I would really appreciate the intense focus and artificial confidence in completing tasks that it gave me when I tried it. If you're in my general area and you wanna give me an Adderall, I'll buy yuz a beer, or something. Fair warning though, I am possibly Being Insane!

[yourlocalmultifandom]

Part 1

VILLES POV

"Yeah" I nod into the phone, looking out of the window of the tour bus. I'd been all over America, but there was just one place I wanted to be, and in less than a whole day, I'd be there again. "I'll be there in the morning"

"Cool, I'll have everything ready when you get here" Bam agrees.

"Great, great. Okay, I'll talk to you then"

"Later" he says before the phone clicks.

I look up, watching Mige sit on the opposite side of the table and smile at me. The cheesy grin was enough, but when he happily intertwined his fingers on the tabletop, I narrow my eyes, knowing he's definitely up to something.

"What?" I stare.

"I'm going to hate not being able to speak to you the entire time we're there" he dramatically sighs.

"Why can't you?"

"Because you'll be a drooling puppy dog all over again, don't act like I can't see the way you cream your pants every time she's around"

"Surely you're not talking about me"

"I am. You and little miss Margera"

"Aprils a lovely woman, but she's married"

"Don't play dumb, Ville. You know I'm talking about Danni"

The very name struck a special string in my heart. I look at my hand, trying my best to hide any emotion that hits me. Bams twin sister, the vixen that ran away with my heart.

"She's off at college" I nearly whisper.

"No she isn't. Bam said she dropped out to do that CKY thing" a coy smirk dancing on his face.

"No she didn't" I stare, my heart skipping a beat.

"Oh yeah she did. Bam picked her up like three days ago, so she'll be all nice and ready to rock when you arrive"

"She's a friend"

"That you lose all dignity over" he smirks.

He's not wrong, I started thinking about her long dark hair, pale skin, those icy blue eyes...that damn smile. I find myself writing about her a lot, and I'll be the first to admit that Danni is a very beautiful girl, but I highly doubt I'd ever be her type. Even if I did have a chance, she's got this on and off thing with one of the guys from CKY, the band her brother, Jess, is in. Her little fling still doesn't stop me from devoting everything I have to her every chance I get, though. I was really hoping she wouldn't be there this time, I'm worried Bam will notice my admiration for her someday. He's bound to find out if I'm around her long. Those two are thick as thieves, being twins wasn't just in their looks either, I swear they could finish each other's very thoughts. I'd never have guessed anyone could match his energy the way she does.. The very first time I ever met her, Bam had brought her along to one of my shows, and I was instantly mesmerized. She was the first person to ever convince me to get on a skateboard, and the only girl I know that can drink as much as me. My mind starts trailing off, thinking about all of the time we've spent together during our friendship.

"Hello? Ville" Mige says, ripping me from my thoughts.

"Huh?" I stare.

"Exactly what I thought" he smiles. "Get some rest, you'll be struggling to breathe normal in a few hours"

"Right" I nod, realizing there was only about four hours before I see her.

I stand up, making my way to my bed and trying to mentally prepare myself for dealing with that beloved family of lunatics, I laugh at how I used to think Bam was crazy...then I met his sister. I lay in bed and think about all the memories I had with my favorite twins, remembering all the crazy shit they do on a regular basis. I sigh, trying to shut my brain off and get some rest, unfortunately, my brain is now infiltrated by one Danni Margera. I sigh, tossing and turning, haunted by her smile, her laugh, her touch. The three years I've spent being her friend has driven me insane, and now I'll be faced with her again, just praying that I don't accidentally let my love for her show. Maybe I'm recalling things through rose-tinted glasses, perhaps I'll get there and have entirely different emotions.

[good-realtor-bad-realtor-dynamic]

All right, I admit it, I was in denial about being an obsessed degenerate fan of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I have been one since I first watched this stupid show a little over a year ago. I have spent too many months pretending I wasn't completely insane about it and somehow managed to convince myself that if I just didn't post about it, I wouldn't be indulging the madness and that would make it go away. Hahaha.

Bitch, if you're thinking about the characters all day, listening to the sunny podcast at odd hours, looking up ancient cast interviews, waiting to segue any conversation into iasip territory, starting to watch rcg's other shows and trying desperately to pretend you don't want to word-vomit about the Nasty People Show at all times (but failing and annoying many friends and family), congratulations, you're already at the bottom of the hyperfixation pit and you might as well accept your lot in life.

[rottingashes]

Also turns out the thing several older adults in my life have spent so long trying to convince me never happened may have actually happened so that's fun

long messy vent below

tw for pedophilia

I've been having dreams about it lately, and before I was sure it was just my mind playing tricks on me but the dreams I've been having make me think it may have happened. My subconscious has always been good at protecting me, but the thing is I'm pretty sure it happened in my sleep. So that doesn't help. I can't really talk to anyone in my family about it because most of them took part in convincing me nothing happened. I feel like it doesn't matter, I have no proof, I can't even remember it, I just have the emotions left from it and a hard time sleeping because I'm scared to sleep. Maybe my minds making it up, because I was fine before my mom revealed he was watching child porn. That he was following minors on tiktok and that I was in his age of attraction when he married my mom. I don't know. What if I'm wrong and I tell someone and it turns out my mind was making things up. My title, is a quote from one of the adults in my life trying to gaslight me into thinking everything was fine. In case I change it it's 'Remember, it's all in your head.' I can't tell if I've been gaslit or if I'm actually making things up or if I'm insane and just. It's frustrating. My youngest sister (his kid) is going to find out her dad's a pedophile one day. And I hope to God it's not me who reveals it to her. If I haven't already. I can't even be in the same room with him. Even if I told someone it wouldn't matter because my mom would destroy any evidence. She tied a pedophile to this family. I used to sleep in her bed. When they got married I would still sleep in her bed sometimes. At some point I stopped being allowed to. I think she knew. She said he asked her to stop letting me sleep in their bed but it went on for a few months before it stopped. It wouldn't be the first time she's changed details of a story. It wouldn't be the first time she protected a pedophile. She asked me at the age of 15/16 if she should kick him out after she found out he was watching child porn. Who puts that responsibility on a kid. I said no but if I had even thought about it a day longer I would've said yes. Maybe it's my fault my sister's like this now, maybe he went after her after I aged out of his age range. When I was 17 she started pressuring me to get a job so she could kick him out (she eventually decided on her own he needed to be kicked out) but I was still in high school and barely functioning. It got to the point I started hitting my head because I couldn't deal with trying to finish my final year of high school with the pressure of getting a job ASAP so I could get a pedophile out of my house along with covid. He was eventually kicked out, before I got a job, but a lot of the damage was already done. I was 11 when my mom married him and I was 18 when she finally kicked him out. After I graduated I had to take a bit of time to recover from hitting my head, I was applying for jobs though and I probably shouldn't have been and given myself more down time for the head injury but my mom was still putting a lot of pressure on me to find a job ASAP. I've been working for about a year now but the flashbacks have slowly been increasing the past few months. It's not just one event I flashback to, but the scariest one is the one I can't remember. I can only feel the emotions of it. I can almost see it happening if I think too long but i just can't. it's in my subconscious. I was asleep. I was sleeping. fuck

[antigoneidk]

Everything I wanted to say:a letter to you|t.h.

a/n: I had this idea in my head for days but I was only able to write it now hehe. I hope you like it and I am sorry for any mistakes💞*gif is not mine*

warnings:fluff, fluff, a lit bit of angst(only if you are like me)

My love, my light, my life.

I have no words to describe how much in love i am with you. How fast my heart beats when i feel you're around. How my butterflies dance inside my stomach whenever you touch me. How I melt right in your hands everytime you squeeze my body, keep me safe in your arms. How the world stops spinning when you kiss me with those lips, that fit mine so perfectly.

I was convinced that true love didn't exist. That my parents kept lying to me through fairytales with princess waiting the prince with the white horse to take them away, show them love and affection. And both of them will fall for each other.

But as I was growing up and looked around me, everything proved them wrong. People are cruel, full of hate, shameless, unaware of how bad they can damage others. I just locked myself in four walls tired of it. Tired of not having someone to talk to. A real friend. An honest person, pure, innocent, loving, caring, kind, generous. The opposite of the majority.

And then you came into my life.

I am not gonna be able to forget the first time that I saw your face. You were smiling bright, the whole street lighting up. Your eyes were a little smaller. Your nose and cheeks had turned to a light red, as you were speaking to some people, fans. I wish I was closer that moment to picture in my head every detail, to paint your face and put it next to me each time you are gone. And you wore that blue sweater, my favourite one which I'm wearing right now, and that pair of black jeans, always looking good at you. Your hair were curly and every ten seconds your fingers were running through.

I heard your laugh from across the street, a sound that was playing in my mind for days. I had stopped there by accident before I searched around me curious from where the sound came from. That was all it took for me to just stand there and watch you, hug and smile to others, joking around, laughing, giving autographs. I wondered how you would smell every time you crossed your arms around somebody. I liked that you were happy, open handed, polite to them. I knew that you were different that day and even though you might not believe it,is the truth.

And then you glanced at me, taking my breath away. It was like the time had stopped, the world paused and the only ones with the power to move and talk were just the two of us. I felt your brown eyes looking at my soul, my life, my choices, my mistakes. I got embarrassed and scared. Scared that the fairytales were based on real life, that I might have found my prince. I know it sounds stupid, and now that I'm thinking of it, yes it is. But for a second I had that fantasy. My brain and heart stopped working, all my senses gave up. It was only you.

Tom then you smiled at me. ME. My walls that I was building for years fell down with that smile making me feel weak, not being able to process this. I've never had someone to look at me the way you did that day, I thought I was dreaming. Maybe it wasn't something special for you, you had people's eyes on you 24/7 but for me, you were the first. That's why I stood still in my place. I tried to enjoy every second.

I smiled back at you shyly and pulled my hair back, such a girly move. You looked down still with your smile at your face, then back at me and I swear I was ready to explode from all my emotions. I wanted to cry from happiness that finally something changed in my life but also from sadness because I knew that was for only a few seconds. Reality hit my face hard when a couple of men started shouting your name and dragging you to a different direction away for me. And that's when I said to myself that "it was too good to be true" and walked with tears in my eyes. If anyone else was at my place maybe they wouldn't care about it but I did.  I lived on the sidelines for so long and I had a chance,  I thought I had a chance but I guessed that i didn't deserved it.

And the time when I felt your hand on my shoulder and I saw you standing in front of me I pushed aside all of my negative thoughts and questioned if I was daydreaming and turning crazy. I felt my skin under my clothes burning from your touch, my heart losing control and my brain not working, only my eyes watching and my nose smelling your fragrance. I wanted to hug you just so I can smell it for the rest of my life. Then you talked to me asking if I was okay, your eyes following a teardrop making it's way down to my cheek and I felt so stupid that a boy, a stranger was seeing me like these. Do you remember that?

"Yes" he whispered to himself and turned the page to the other side wanting to read more.

Fast forward to our first date. I was so anxious all day, spending majority of my time in front of a mirror changing outfits, makeup, hair styles not satisfying with anything. I was turning to that teenage girl I always made fun of. I was making circles around the house practicing how I would act around you, how would I speak and what I would say.

You were the sweetest man I could ask for, such a gentleman. I couldn't get my eyes off of you, so confident and handsome, talking about the most silliest things and making me laugh all night with your jokes and random comments for the topic I was talking about. You held my hand and kept listening to me and laughed at my miserably jokes. I was the luckiest woman that night and to the ride back at my house I remember feeling so sad that I had to say goodbye to you even though i wanted to spent more and more time with you. By surprise you didn't stop and continued to drive.

We got to our favorite place now, yours back in the day. I never knew why you did that and although I want so desperately to know I'll never ask. Let that kind of mystery follow. We sat down and kept a deep conversation starting about our past. Well mine. I was battling with my self if I should had open to you or not and I'm glad I did. You listened carefully to what I was saying and held my hand the entire time, squeezing when I was about to cry. You have no idea how much strength you gave me with that touch and how much courage to keep going. I wanted you to know everything that I had been through. It was the only way to know if you would stay and not leave me alone. I was terrified but prepared to fight this feeling of loneliness again.

You kissed me.

I get butterflies only from thinking of it, of our first kiss.  Your lips covered mine and our tongues met for the first time exploring each other. Your hands held my cheeks and pulled me closer to you, giving me the warmth I was lacking for years. My hands shaking touched yours after a long time not wanting to let them go and the sensation drove me insane. My heart was exploding inside my chest, my blood was running through my veins faster that lightning, my brain was hurting from the situation and was wondering if this was actually true. I pulled away and opened my eyes. I found yours shut your lips pressed to one another. I thought that you regretted this, that it was stupid and that I seduced you to do this. Your half smiled then showed up, my heart skipped a beat, and you said that this was better than your imagination.  My inner child raised from deep down myself. I wanted to jump around, laugh and shout, kiss you again, hold you, hug you, feel you.

Days, months passed away and you stood by my side, making me the happiest person alive. I only had to listen to your voice and everything bad disappeared within a second. It's like you have that superpower to fight the dark inside me so easily. I admired you and still do to this day. I love how you push your problems to the side and listen to mine, it sounds selfish right? I'm always here to listen to you baby not matter what and yes there were times you opened up to me. I wondered if I helped you or not.

"My love.."Tom laughed and grabbed the other piece of paper from the table."..you always do" he mumbled.

But I wish you shared your problems more. I am willing to help you or even just listen to you if you just want to get rid of anything. You are a strong man but sharing your feelings is important, you are not bothering me you know.

Can you recall our first time? Damn I would never forget that, from the way you touched every single inch of my skin to the way I felt at the end. Your kisses and hands got me to placed I had never been before, so dreamy. You whispered to me how much you loved me and how i changed you to becoming a better person. I remember every of your words and I can still your voice clearly next to my ear as our bodies move in sync. You were my first.

If you only knew how much you mean to me. How my view for the world changed because of you. How I met incredible people through you. How I learnt to love, respect, share, laugh, fight, adore, live. How you teached me to finally see the colors around me. How life can be  hard, yet awesome. There are nights that we fight, we say things anger makes us too. But by the end of the day I know that I love you so much and that we can get over this. I try to remind my self every night that there are so many reasons to be happy and not sad for a foolish reason. And that's when I turn to you and open my arms for you to hug me and sleep calmly. But you are already waiting for me to do so.

This is my letter to you. I wish I could say those things to you but we both know that i get caught up by my feelings. We would have been talking for hours.

I am not going to be able to stop loving you and that's my weakness. I don't wanna see you cry or heartbroken and you make me melancholic when you are like that. If I could only make you feel the way you make me. I am not the best but I'm trying to I swear and I'll continue to do so every day till the last one.

I love you.

Sincerely yours,

y/n

He wiped away some tears that escaped his eyes and got himself up from where he was sitting to get to you. You had been waiting for him in your bedroom, with roses all around, food and a movie to watch. It wasn't any special day but you felt the need to spoil him with love. In your own way. But as the time went on you fell asleep, with the food at the bedside table and your body hugging his pillow, feeling safe.

Tom smiled at the sight of you sleeping with his pillow in your hands. His heart beat fast as he kept moving closer to you and left a kiss on your forehead.

"I love you too baby" he said and kissed your lips gently. With slowly moves he tried to laid his body next to yours, hugging your waist and pulling you close to his.

It was at this moment that he realised the power you had over him and he was surprised you couldn't notice it.

"I guess I have to write it to you" he laughed at himself and closed his eyes, falling asleep a few moments later with the thought of you at his mind.

[midiaryofus]

Part 2

I stayed away from him for two weeks.

But I missed him. I wanted back the love we used to have. I didn't want to believe this cold, dark side of him. It scared me. I wanted back the Ethan I knew.

And he took advantage of me.

One last time.

Stupidly, I thought it would mean we'd get back together.

I was wrong.

My friend Kristy was there for me. She told me to do the no contact rule. Which is when you don't talk to your ex for a month. So I did.

And in that month, I became close friends with Kristy, and a new friend I made, Brenton.

But then something horrible happened.

I found out Ethan had a new girlfriend. He asked her out the day after he slept with me.

My whole world went black.

When I found out, I went to talk to him.

It was the worst night of my entire life.

I couldn't stop stalking her. She'd post new pictures with him all the time. And it killed me.

For her birthday, he took her to her favorite place and then out to dinner.

For Halloween, he dressed up in a costume with her.

For Christmas, they took pics by the Christmas tree with his parents.

For Valentines Day, he gave her flowers and took her romantic places.

But he never did anything for me.

Which made me realize the truth.

Despite how I'd try to convince myself I wasn't like his other girls, the girls he never fell in love with and he'd leave..

I was exactly like them.

He did nothing for me. He never cared about me.

But his new girlfriend is different. And he's different with her.

And that's what hurts the most.

He made it worse by telling me how much happier he is. That she doesn't fight with him. Maybe she would, if he cheated on her too.

I blamed myself. For all of it.

If I didn't fight with him so much, he wouldn't have left me.

Mentally and emotionally, he completely destroyed me.

One Year Later

Someone once told me it took them a year to get over their ex. I thought that was insane. Now I get it.

It only took him a week to replace me and move on, while I've been hurting for a year.

Throughout the year, I've made all the mistakes in the book. Blackmail, begging, revenge.. "Drunk texting". I faked being drunk and told him I hooked up with someone. But he never cared. It only made me seem crazy.

I've spent months and months in pain ever since I lost him to another girl. He's still with that girl. And I still can't stop looking him up.

I was codependent with him. In other words, he's always been my drug and I've been an addict.

I felt so lost without him. He was my whole world.

Its like I've just been waiting for him to come back to me and tell me he loves me. And I tell him I've been waiting for him all this time. That I never let go.

Its stupid, to think he'd just come back.

I know I need to let him go, but I don't know how.

Even my friends have had enough of me talking about him all the time.

So for the last week, I've been pretending to be over him. I try to never say his name.

But he's never left my head, or my heart.

I knew what I needed to move on- something I knew I'd never get from him.

An apology.

Reed: Yeah, I'm coming

Lavern: Aren't you excited?! We're going to party, meet cute boys, party! Did I mention party? We're going to party! Best summer ever!

(yes this lavern person is completely made up)

Reed: I'm just.. not feeling like partying.

Lavern: Is this because of that dumb parrot?

"Parrot" is what I've been calling Ethan since I have a hard time saying his name. Kristy likes calling him "ugly noddle head", which is also fitting.

Lavern: Girl, we've been talking about this vacay for weeks. You don't get to back out now.

Kristy: She needs a rebound.

Reed: A rebound?

Lavern: Or find a guy to make your ex jealous.

Reed: He won't get jealous, he doesn't want me.

Lavern: A rebound it is.

Kristy: If you wanna get over him, get under someone else.

"I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us. How we met and the sparks flew instantly." - Taylor Swift

Reed: I can't believe I'm doing this.

Kristy: I disagree with the jealously thing. But I do think a rebound is a good idea. It's been a year and you're still obsessed with your ex.

Reed: I'm not obsessed.

Kristy: You still stalk the guy.

Kristy: Are you stalking him right now?

Reed: Um.. No...

Kristy: That's it, give me your phone. We're in a club right now. You don't need to be on that thing.

Reed: Okay mom

Random guy: Hey pretty lady.

This was why I didn't want to move on or try to find someone else. I feel like I'm never going to meet someone amazing. Ethan wasn't my first heartbreak, and he won't be my last.

Even though he was an awful boyfriend, I still felt like I'd never find better.

Which I guess was why I stayed with him.

Compared to the guys before Ethan, they were so awful that they make Ethan look like an amazing boyfriend.

But I deserve better. Better than cheaters and heartbreakers,

I just need to be more cautious this time. Notice the red flags this time.

Dame: Hey

The perfect red flag would be if they started playing, I knew you we're trouble, right now...

[everydaychurch]

Beauty from Ashes (Part 1) by Warren

When I was a very young boy I was raised  in a dysfunctional home devoid of any resemblance of a consistent, safe, nurturing environment. I longed for what I believed to be a normal, secure life. This was all I recall desiring. I needed to feel wanted. I yearned for happiness. In comparison I was envious of the life my friends seemed to be experiencing. I Questioned why feelings of love were absent. Why wouldn't I be convinced that  I was a nuisance, a mistake, a catalyst that caused the battles my parents, myself, and siblings where dealing with? My parents were both over forty when I came into the world. Unplanned of course. I was told over the years my mom never loved my dad and their marriage was one of survival for my mother. She had no idea at the time he was a monster.

To keep a very long story short my life up to this point was a chaotic fight inside a landscape of insanity. I had no choice but to be tough  24/7. Always on guard and seldom without fear; I was ready to fight. 

I witnessed violent, dangerous, and threatening life moments no child, let alone adult should ever see. I was let down by most adults around me.I trusted no one; but I wanted to.

People in my realm of influence were far too concerned with their own traumas, especially my depressed, manipulative father. He died when I was 7.  My biological dad was physically, mentally, and sexually abusive not only towards his children but to other children as well. I never would ever know if there was a good side. He taught me to read at an early age I guess, and ride a bike, but heaven forbid if I did something he didn't like beyond his ever changing standards and emotional states. The challenge being  you would never know what that might be.

 I ended up being the peacemaker in the middle of the violence. I still find myself doing that as an adult. Always trying to appease everyone. You try to appease everyone you end up pleasing know one. Its not you job anyways. It’s something I am still working on.

I grew up in shame. I attended 11 different schools and moved far too often. Many fistfights, suspensions, and one sided counseling sessions with school principles. People were scared of me.  One school even brought in then U-dub Quarterback Sonny Sixkiller to talk with me. He had no clue what to do. I can still remember the look on his face as he walked back to his car. The look of defeat.   I punched a nun once who slapped me and wore it like a badge. I was in 4th grade.

Single parenting was looked down upon in the 1960′s. My hardworking, strong willed, New York native mom worked multiple jobs so I was often left on my own to fend for myself; even as young as 5 years old. It’s no wonder I later lived through my teenage years willingly participating in the old 1970′s adage “Sex,Drugs,and Rock and Roll”.  One week a rebel  and next week Young Life meeting guitar player. I wore my many masks well. I fooled many a parent, pastor, friend, and teacher - but I was a mess.

You see, even though life settled down somewhat when my mom remarried, I remained rough around the edges. I had a good man in my step-father. No telling how bad life would have gone without him in it, but I was still carrying a darkness and sadness inside my soul without support or skills to change my situation. Yet know one knew or wanted to know. It was enigma because on one hand I wanted someone, anyone, to notice but on the other hand making every effort to hide it.

As an above average athlete, with a strong mind, and a budding musical gift  I had no lack for popularity. A good fastball, straight A’s, and an electric guitar are great smokescreens This fueled my ability to cover up the deep rooted pain I carried. 

These young years were where my view of the world was shaped. Experience being the teacher that shaped my view of God. I think it can be said life events often do. Good or bad.

Strangely I think I always believed in God, even as a young 3 year old. I once viewed an old family 8MM movie my father filmed, since long lost, where at that age I stood on a box pretending to deliver a fire and brimstone sermon to the neighborhood kids. This was double interesting since my family certainly never regularly attended church and if they did it was Lutheran. 

So not a huge surprise, even though my beliefs were so messed up in regards to the nature of God I made a formal “Altar Call” commitment to follow Jesus at 13 years old. 

In the years that followed, as far as I was concerned, I failed with that commitment over and over again. It was a yo-yo faith at best. I truly in my heart loved Jesus, yet at one point I screamed at God with my hands stretched to the sky, “ You obviously don’t love me”. For me I was the dirty, ugly kid void of any understanding of security, hope, love, and joy. I certainly had no grasp of the true heart of God. Yet I still sought His approval and acceptance based on who I believed I was, not on how God actually sees me. I didn’t understand how the creator of the universe viewed me until much, much later in life.

I left home at 18 and joined the Air Force. Yo-Yo faith in full action. I had my periods of going to church and living by all appearances a Christian Life. I also had spans of numbing drunkenness and partying.

Marriage to Kathy was the next big life event at 20, then my daughters came into the world. I loved them at the time the best I was capable of. My wife was a trooper as our foundation was rocky from the start due to all the baggage listed above. She had her own issues to deal with as well. By the age of 25 I had 3 daughters, spent 3 years living overseas, bought and lost a home, had a car repo’d, and gone bankrupt. By the time I hit 28 life was better but far from whole. I knew as a family and as a person God was needed to intervene and I recognized I had to make changes, which I did. I recommitted my life to Christ. It was good. For a while anyways.

By 30 I was already studying and preparing for the ministry. I remember fondly the happy day when I knew I was called. Kathy was excited too, but the deep rooted issues in my heart were still hanging around. Our first step of entering church ministry was a huge failure, taking a horrible toil on my wife and daughters. Our marriage never fully recovered after that. We were living with an open wound. It was already on a cracked foundation even before ministry life began. There was always a limp. 

When stress comes into the game of life  whatever foundation your life has been built on will test how well your home will respond. Will it stand? Will it have devastating damage? Will it crumble to the ground?

For me, every time stress arose I entertained the old thoughts; God is punishing me. He hates me. He really didn’t call me. Its all in my head. In times like these its easy to start passing blame on someone or anything. Hear me when I say this; “that attitude only magnifies your problems”. However, Ministry could at times look incredibly successful in the middle of a mess and there were times when it was. But the truth is there was always a mask. There was always a skewed understanding of the nature and character of Jesus. I could preach the truth of Jesus to others, but not understand those same truths for myself. I knew things in my head that my heart could not grasp.

in 2010, after continued ministry struggle, I quit the pastorate. My marriage was hanging on a thread now. My adult children didn’t like or want to be around me. I was barely surviving as a person. Kathy was beyond her boundaries of reasonable relationship with me, I don’t know how she felt about God at this point, but I know she was disappointed. My own confidence in church life was broken.I think she felt the same.

I didn’t think my struggles could grow any larger than they were at this time. I hate to say this but oh how wrong I was. 

After leaving ministry I went back to college. Kathy had a good job. My kids were on their own. I had grandchildren. I certainly loved my family,  but...I was horribly shell shocked. Ministry had become my identity. I had no other developed work skills outside of church, music or military, I had to bring in some money while in school, but my honest attitude was any job outside of ministry was below me. Then it got worse; much, much, worse.

My heart was broke - literally. It was revealed that I had, unbeknownst to me, long term diabetes. Diabetes had destroyed my heart. After 3 heart attacks I was rushed into open heart surgery or die. This mess brought out the absolute worst in me. Anger, fear, accusations toward God. My boiling point had been reached. In my mind these latest events were nothing more than continued failure, more punishment. I was mad at God. My wife Kathy had had enough. On Valentines Day, only a few weeks after surgery she asked me to leave our home. I was homeless or living with relatives for the next 6 months.

I began working on myself. I didn’t walk away from God, even in my anger. It got better. I worked hard. Kathy and I reconciled. We moved east to Detroit where Kathy grew up. Life was getting better again- for a while anyways.

Unfortunately the damage ended up being too deep for her.Two people who I will always believe loved one another could not get past it. I didn’t want to give up, but after 3 more off and on reconciliations she no longer wanted to be married. I was served the divorce papers on my birthday while in the empty apartment I had just removed all my possessions out of into storage. I was soon to be homeless again. A few weeks later I lost my job, then shortly later lost my mother to a brain infection.

The worst time of my life ever.

But something was different. I didn’t go through the mental up and downs with God. My church provided some money for a Motel 6 where I could  stay and eventually I got an apartment. I was still working, as my termination date had not yet approached .I still secretly tried to win Kathy back. I just couldn’t fathom what had happened and my marriage ending in divorce. After realizing nothing was going to change I let go and came home to Seattle.

I also went to counseling during this time and that helped tremendously. I began the journey of dealing with the childhood abuse and divorce. Through counseling during this horrible period of time my perspective on God’s nature in the midst of pain initiated the early stages of change. Wasn’t perfect of course. I had some follies and made some serious mistakes, but God proved faithful and likely had a plan of fixing me long before I did,  He was determined to renew and restore my life. My expectations were far short of His. His ways were certainly not my ways.

After moving back home I was pursued by a couple of ladies and I entertained the thought of dating. Bad move. One of those follies I mentioned earlier. I soon swore off the thought of dating and women. I needed to focus on myself. I was still obviously wounded. I still had difficulty with church and anger to some degree. It didn’t help that I lived across the street from a church I was once was on staff at (it was the only apt complex I could afford) I had to look at that church every single day.

STAY TUNED FOR PART 2

[yourlocalmultifandom]

🦇Somewhere between love and death🦇

Hey, so I’m really stupid with technology and I have absolutely no clue how to take this from my other app and link it here so I’m gonna copy and paste. Also idk if I need to say this but it’s a multiparter

Part 1:

Anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, hope you enjoy it. I’m gonna go and forget that I ever posted this here now 😊

VILLES POV

"Yeah" I nod into the phone, looking out of the window of the tour bus. "I'll be there tomorrow"

"Cool, I'll have everything ready when you get here" Bam agrees.

"Great, great. Okay, I'll talk to you then"

"Later" he says before the phone clicks.

I look up, watching Midge sit on the opposite side of the table and smile at me. I narrow my eyes, knowing he's definitely up to something.

"What?" I stare.

"I'm going to hate not being able to speak to you the entire time we're there"

"Why can't you?"

"Because you'll be a drooling puppy dog all over again, don't act like I can't see the way you cream your pants every time she's around"

"Surely you're not talking about me"

"I am. You and little miss Margera"

"Aprils a lovely woman but she's married"

"Don't play dumb, Ville. You know I'm talking about Danni"

The very name struck a special string in my heart. I look at my hand, trying my best to hide any emotion that hits me.

"She's off at college" I say shyly.

"No she isn't. Bam said she dropped out to do that CKY thing" a coy smirk dancing on his face.

"No she didn't" I stare, my heart skipping a beat.

"Oh yeah she did. Bam picked her up like three days ago, so she'll be all nice and ready to rock when you arrive"

"She's a friend"

"That you lose all dignity over" he smirks.

He's not wrong, I started thinking about her long dark hair, pale skin, those icy blue eyes...that damn smile. I find myself writing about her a lot, and I'll be the first to admit that Danni is a very beautiful girl, but I highly doubt I'd ever be her type. She's got this on and off thing with one of the guys from CKY, the band her brother, Jess, is in. Her little fling still doesn't stop me from devoting everything I have to her every chance I get. I was really hoping she wouldn't be there this time, I'm worried Bam will notice my admiration for her someday. He's bound to find out if I'm around her long. Those two are thick as thieves, being twins wasn't just in their looks either, I swear they could finish each other's very thoughts. I'd never have guessed anyone could match his energy the way she does.. The very first time I ever met her, Bam had brought her along to one of my shows, and I was instantly mesmerized. She was the first person to ever convince me to get on a skateboard, and the only girl I know that can drink as much as me. I start trailing off, thinking about all of the time we've spent together during our friendship.

"Hello? Ville" midge says, ripping me from my thoughts.

"Huh?" I stare.

"Exactly what I thought" he smiles. "Get some rest, you'll be struggling to breathe normal in a few hours"

"Right" I nod, realizing there was only about four hours before I see her.

I stand up, making my way to my bed and trying to mentally prepare myself for dealing with that beloved family of lunatics, I used to think Bam was crazy...then I met his sister. I lay in bed and think about all the memories I had with my favorite twins, remembering all the crazy shit they do on a regular basis. I sigh, trying to shut my brain off and get some rest, unfortunately, my brain is now infiltrated by one Danni Margera. I sigh, tossing and turning, haunted by her smile, her laugh, her touch. The three years I've spent being her friend has driven me insane, and now I'll be faced with her again, just praying that I don't accidentally let my love for her show.