#And then the rabbit he misses is... not in the greatest condition somewhere in the Pizza Plex-

[incorrect-fnaf-quotes]

Another AU idea: Instead of it happening to Vanessa, Beta-Tester Jeremy ends up in the situation as Glitchtrap’s Reluctant Follower, makes a suit, and then heads to the Pizza Plex.

Though, Vanny still does exist within the AU. Here, she’s an actual animatronic rabbit that was being worked on at some point—except... she’s not really finished.

She was created, yes, and there was a lot done with her... but she’s basically an abandoned animatronic. For whatever reason, everyone just kind of stopped doing anything relating to her, and stored her away.

Because of that, none of the other animatronics know about her—nobody met her. Reluctant Follower Jeremy discovers her, and Glitchtrap decides to infect her with his virus or whatever.

So then, he has both of them following his plan(s), and the two are both going after Gregory, alongside the other affected animatronics.

[mshermia]

LYKHIW Timeline - WIP Page

Welcome! This post records the status and progress of my work expanding my Post-Endgame (MCU) series to “Like You’d Know How It Works”.

I left the cinema post-Endgame incredibly mad and disappointed. After I aired my immediate frustration with the movie in two One-Shots, I decided for my own peace of mind, I had to try and salvage the mess that was Endgame somehow, because I simply like the characters too much, not to. A week after I started writing, I published the first chapter on AO3. About a year later, I felt the need to expand on the original fix-it. I have and will continue to add to this timeline, writing different adventures that will mostly focus on Tony Stark and Peter Parker.

Genre: MCU fanfiction

The Fix-It

Like You’d Know How It Works (completed)

Setting: sets in right after the battle at the Compound is over, supersedes the concluding events of Endgame.

Premise: Straight after the battle is won - or lost, depending on your perspective - Peter tries to convince the Avengers to save Mr. Stark by going back into the Quantum Realm.

Tropes: time-travel, quantum realm, protective Peter

Mood: grief & loss, hope, family

Someone had organized this room at Metro General hospital for them to sit and talk. Sitting was not an option for Peter though. He couldn’t bear to sit. He couldn’t bear to have anyone look at his injuries either, not when there were more pressing matters to attend to.

“You said that whatever we do in the past will not change our present!” Peter’s fist hit the table with a crash. They simply weren’t listening. His face felt grimy and tight in places where the dirt from the battlefield stuck to the tears he had cried over Mr. Stark’s body. Maybe he should have thought of washing the traces off his face before confronting a few of the Avengers and Doctor Strange. It might have made him seem a little more collected. A little more rational. “That’s what you just said!”

Chapters 9/9 | 42 K | Teen and Up

Follow-up Shorts and Multi-chapters

Just Outside The Door (completed)

Setting: Days after Tony was brought back from the multiverse

Premise: Peter did it. He found his mentor and brought him back, but sometimes it all just seemed too good to be true. Sometimes, his mind played tricks on him and he just couldn’t sleep, wondering if he had really brought Mr. Stark back or if it had all just been a desperate dream.

Tropes: nightmares, PTSD, protective Tony, Whumptober 2020: No. 23

Mood: fear, working through trauma, comfort

There was only silence in his room now unless you were to count the frantic beat of his heart and the deep shaky breaths he sucked in and blew back out. It hadn’t even been a nightmare this time, not truly. He hadn’t really fallen asleep in the first place. Exhaustion was tugging at the edges of his consciousness and that’s where his thoughts had started to spiral.

Mr. Stark was okay. Peter was… he was pretty sure of that. He had succeeded, had brought him back home and now he was okay. But there was a little voice in the back of his head that kept nagging, that kept telling him that maybe… maybe he was wrong. Maybe it had all been a delusional dream, too good to be true, Peter wishing something into reality that was unobtainable. He had seen his mentor die after all. He had died right in front of him, the memory etched into his memory, right there whenever he closed his eyes. Dimensions, time travel… was that really real?

Chapters 1/1 | 4.2 K | Teen and Up

Nothing Left To Lose (in progress)

Setting: 2 weeks after Tony was brought back from the multiverse

Premise:

The reversal of the Snap added an additional 3.5 billion people back to Earth’s population. 3.5 billion more people to house somewhere, 3.5 billion mouths to be fed, 3.5 billion people who return to a world that was not expecting them to ever come back.

Tropes: food shortage, starvation, looting, blurred lines of good and evil; Whumptober 2020: No. 3

Mood: anger, desperation, conflicted who to help 

Tony groaned, rolling his stiff neck from one side to the other as the gate clicked shut behind Pepper. “Remind me again… Why did we agree to this?”

Pepper didn’t bother to send him a scolding look as she wrapped the security seal around the gate’s locking mechanism. “Because we’re good neighbors?”

“We are?” He smelled like damp fur. When did wet fur and barn animals become his life? “Since when exactly? Was there a house meeting? Did I miss it?”

“Mh… do you need a reminder of the process of negotiation?” She took a step towards him, one hand twisted in his shirt pulling him close against her, their lips almost close enough to touch. “You smell like wet alpaca.”

He pulled in an affronted gasp. The hand that was still holding his shirt pushed him away from her, her lips stretched wide in amusement. “Come on, Cesar. Maybe I’ll remind you after a hot shower.”

Chapters 1/2 | 3.4 K | Teen and Up

Unnamed WIP (unpublished)

Setting: 4 months after Tony was brought back from the multiverse

Premise:

For months, Peter has been commuting between the city and the Stark’s remote cabin in the woods. But now that life in NYC has regained some normalcy, he really wants to show Morgan what the greatest city in the world has to offer.

Tropes: power outage, panic attack, PTSD; Whumptober 2020: No. 27

Nope. “Not going down that rabbit-hole, Parker,” he muttered to himself.

“What rabbit-hole?” Morgan was sitting opposite him, munching on the cookies Pepper had put out.

“Nevermind.” Peter scooped two tea spoons of sugar into his coffee, then added another one just to be safe.

“Mommy says coffee corrupts the soul.”

“Please, like you even know what ‘corrupt’ means….”

Morgan tilted her head to the side, just like her mom would do. “I know it’s not nice.”

Peter gave her a look. “Well, your dad says it’s the elixir of life.” And Mr. Stark would know. Peter gave his head one hard shake. Tony. Tony would know. One sip of the black brew and Peter’s teeth hurt. Definitely too much sugar. “Okay, remember what we talked about?”

Morgan sat up straight, her eyes wide. “Ask mommy first!”

“That’s right! Make sure you use those puppy eyes, too.” Morgan nodded along enthusiastically while he quickly nicked her glass of milk and poured a generous potion of it into his mug. “We wait till, you know, till Tony’s gone downstairs or something and then—”

“And then you’ll ask me what?”

Chapters -/2 | - K | Teen and Up

Christmas Eve - At Peace (completed)

Setting: 5 months after Tony was brought back from the multiverse

Premise:

Just a couple of months after they defeated Thanos, Tony and Pepper throw a Christmas party. Instead of a partying kid, Tony finds his Spiderling outside in the snow at the grave he has been trying to ignore ever exists.

Tropes: anger and grief, blame and fear, no prompt

Mood: wholesome, family, frustration

Tony narrowed his eyes at him. "I mean it!" For good measure, he took a healthy gulp from the cup, positively burning his throat in the process. But it wasn't until Harley threw his hands in the air and turned his back in defeat - for now - that Tony allowed his face to cringe at the sting. Those little trouble makers were not helping with his heart condition. Speaking of trouble... "Where is Peter?"

Harley crossed his arms in front of himself, his mind clearly brooding on a new strategy. "No clue."

Tony's next sip of the hot wine was a lot smoother than the first. "What do you mean, no clue?"

"It generally means that the person doesn't have any information about the subject that you are—"

"Alright, short stuff..." Tony's eyes were searching the room but the little spider was nowhere to be seen. "A bit less of the asshole routine please?"

"Listen, if you want me to babysit, same rules apply as they do for Morgan." Brazen in his brattiness, the little shit ladled a good helping of mulled wine into a new cup. "I'll need a heads-up and generous compensation that I'm happy to re-negoti— Hey!"

Harley tried to hold on to the cup that Tony once again just plucked from his hands. "You've had enough of this!"

"That one is for Rhodey," the boy scowled.

Chapters 1/1 | 3.8 K | Teen and Up

The Winter Air (completed)

Setting: 6 months after Tony was brought back from the multiverse

Premise:

Tony, Peter, and Morgan spent a winter day outside the Stark residence.

Tropes: accident, hurt Tony, hurt Peter, Whumptober 2020: No. 13

Mood: fun to fear, injury, accusations, blame

Well, it wasn’t that easy. Because things were apparently never just easy in the life of one Peter Parker. Turned out, there were still some assholes out there. Not the Thanos-kind. Not for now at least. The regular kind though and Peter for one saw absolutely no reason as to why anything should have changed in his responsibility to stop them from being assholes.

His aunt somehow disagreed more often than she didn’t. Annoyingly now though, she managed to drag Mr. Stark to her side a lot more than she used to, too.

Peter shook his head at himself. Tony. T-O-N-Y. It wasn’t that hard, was it? He still slipped up every so often. But as much as that bugged him, it was the others who bugged him even more. Colonel Rhodes and Hawkeye among them the most willing to tease Peter about it. Him, and Tony too, for his mentor never commented on it with more than a crooked smile. When it was just the two of them, that was often the only indication for Peter, that he had said it again.

It made the times when it really was just them so enjoyable. A new ease between them. They had never had this, this kind of bonding. Sure, they’d spent time together before everything had gone downhill on their little space adventure, in the lab or on a normal earth-bound mission. Not like this though, not like Peter staying over at the Stark residence for a few days at a time. Not like him sliding along-side Morgan on the ice on the lake, trying to catch Tony. Not like Morgan falling over and taking Tony right with her and the way Peter’s stomach hurt from laughing so hard when Mr. Stark’s sweet little Morguna drowsed him with two full hands of snow and he just hadn’t seen it coming.

Chapters 3/3 | 14 K | Teen and Up

Unnamed Multichapter WIP (unpublished)

Setting: picks up where The Winter Air ended, 6 months after Tony was brought back from the multiverse

Premise:

First time all of the Avengers come together after the Snap was reversed. With Tony retired, Peter has to find his place in the team and learn to work with the other Avengers without Tony. Tensions are running high with the events of Civil War still largely unresolved and lingering resentments stemming from Peter’s multidimensional rescue mission to save Tony.

Tropes: Avengers mission, mistrust, growing as a team; Whumptober 2020: No.7

Tony’s eyes went wide. Was it possible that…

“Hey, FRI?”

“Good morning, boss. It’s 10:16 am on February 5th, 2024. The temperature outside is—”

“Yeah, just… can you stop for a moment?” He waved her off. “Send Dory out to the lake, would you. There’s some stuff still lying out there on the ice.”

“Right away, Sir.”

Tony watched as the little blue drone circled the lake, getting closer and closer to what he was sure were the Spiderling’s clothes still lying out there, where he had taken them off to—

“Hey, what are you doing out of bed!”

Despite himself, he twitched as Pepper made her way into the room. She had pushed the door open with her hip, balancing his breakfast on a large wooden tablet.

“Here, let me—” Tony stepped towards her, arms at the ready to take the tablet but she held it out of his reach.

“What do you think you’re doing? Get back in that bed!”

Chapters -/- | - K | Teen and Up

There... And Back Again (in progress)

Setting: about a year after Tony was brought back to life

Premise:  The Starks drive upstate to the old Mansion where Tony grew up. To Tony’s horror, the trip takes him and the kids a lot further down memory lane than anyone could have predicted.

Tropes: time travel, Howard Stark’s A++ parenting; Febuwhum2021 Day 12 - Who Are You

“Pete, seriously…” Tony looked up into the review mirror trying to catch his eye. “Can you not? I don’t want Morgan up all night, terrified of some dumb ghosts.”

“Come on, it’s just a story, Tony. Morgan knows I made it all up, right?” Peter winked at her, then wiggled his eyebrows in a way that seemed kind of familiar.

“Yeah, daddy.” But Morgan was full-on ignoring Tony, her eyes on Peter trying to imitate the wink and wiggly eyebrows he had just sent her way. “It’s just a story.”

He could do little more than groan as Peter continued to spin a tale of spirits and witches, ancient pacts and promises that had to be kept, ransoms that the spirits had vowed to retrieve.

“It was a night very much like tonight,” Peter continued, his voice low and full of dreadful foreboding, “that the witches broke that pact they had signed with the blood of the innocent…”

“Morgan’s gasp morphed into a giddy giggle while Tony could only rub a hand across his brow and mumbled, "Blood of the innocent, give me a fucking break…”

Chapters 1/3 | 4,4 K | Teen and Up

Are We Out Of The Woods Yet?, (completed)

Setting: 4 years after Tony was brought back from the multiverse

Premise:

 Peter takes Morgan into the depths of a National Park so she can collect samples for a biology project.

Tropes: Peter & Morgan, protective Peter, hurt Morgan, hurt Peter, Whumptober 2020: No. 12

Mood: disappointment, mistakes, anger, angst, comfort

“There are so many reasons why online classes are better than going to school.”

Peter shook his head. “And there are plenty of reasons why learning in school with other students is preferable. How it helps retain the material better than—”

Morgan groaned without even looking at him, her nose in the air, eyes on the leafy trees above them. “You can learn the same things at home, only then you could have dinner at night with us instead of in your stinky room in Boston.”

“Hey,” he craned his neck to see where she went, then walked after her. “My room doesn’t stink.”

“It’s a boy’s room.” She said it like that alone was a valid argument, when it couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, the girl’s dorms he had been in—

He stopped himself. Not the time and place.

Chapters 2/2 | 8 K | Teen and Up

[shih-coulda-had-it]

Angst then comfort?

I, uh, decided to go heavy with the angst. This is sort of a “What if?” take on Closing the Loop, which features Toshinori breaking the universe to save Nana. I got a comment asserting that Toshinori definitely tried a loop on his own, and, well... anon, you provided me with a good excuse to write it!

//

When Toshinori throws everything into a punch to save himself and Gran Torino, he is thinking, ‘I want to save everyone! I want to go back to when we were happy, and safe, and—!’ One for All sparks through his veins, a fiery if muted resolve that lets Toshinori break space and time.

He guesses even One for All has its limits. Toshinori would have liked to have landed before All for One murdered Shimura Sakumo and made oshishou look sad and drained, dissatisfied with all her shortcomings when she encouraged him to review, accept, and move past his. But it’s better to land in the middle of dinner than, say, in media res on the boat to Ekusegoru.

This time-loop thing bites. The trope seems so cliche in media. The set of conditions to end it, simple.

Toshinori sees All for One shove his hand through Gran Torino’s chest, the viscera clinging to the neatly-pressed black sleeve of his blazer and his pointed fingers, and has the very distant thought that he’s responsible for it. If he’d been smarter, he could’ve remembered where the hostage was when asked, and then Gran Torino would not be dead, and oshishou would not be screaming her terror and loss and fury—

One for All resets. Gran Torino is whole again, and so is oshishou, who is running a loop behind.

Toshinori is trying to think logically, like how Gran Torino taught him to be. It makes sense to warn oshishou of their mistakes; it makes sense that somewhere in the universe, there is a way that leads Toshinori to saving both of his mentors.

Oshishou wrestles with Gran Torino. She is not taking the spar seriously, and Gran Torino is clearly indulging her need to expend the nervous energy. Toshinori watches from the sidelines and wonders how two people in love can be so blind; sometimes, he wonders if his existence as oshishou’s successor prevents them from voicing it.

The boat. Ekusegoru. A swift, almost surgical strike to the heart of the empty city.

He snatches the hostage and leaps to the roof of a nearby building. He should get her back to the boat, post-haste, and add his strength to the fight. Maybe that’s what’s missing.

“Ma’am,” Toshinori says, distractedly, “you should brace yourself.”

“Wh—”

He’s not as fast as Gran Torino, and he lacks the ability to remove his considerable mass from the equation. So Toshinori jumps, kicks off the sides of buildings, ascends. He gains a vantage point that lets him see Gran Torino’s yellow cape streaming away from the center of the battle, and the concern blooms, malignant and malicious.

Toshinori changes directions to follow. Almost loses them for a bit, and then Toshinori wishes he had, because he’d rather have been ignorant than witness oshishou, sprawled broken against Gran Torino, the silvered head bowed with something like grief and resignation—

Toshinori screams. He doesn’t realize that the hostage has slipped her hand in his.

One for All resets. Oshishou is whole again, and Gran Torino looks so exhausted and fragile, hugging them both and breathing raggedly. Oshishou is just realizing the cause for their second loop, and Toshinori’s brain is whirling.

Logically, the loop is resetting after his mentors are dying. The solution is not their sacrifice.

One for All resets. The solution is not to eliminate All for One.

The solution is not to run away to oshishou’s place either, but Toshinori thinks the idea has merit. Gran Torino is burdening himself to solve this, and he needs time to recuperate. And if oshishou can connect to the spiritual nature of One for All, perhaps all she needs is time to really hash things out with the Quirk.

It provides him an opportunity to try another solution as well. He’s the consistent reason for their deaths, no matter that All for One wields the knife. Toshinori runs away, every single goddamn time, even though he’s the one who’s used One for All to break the world.

I want to save everyone, he had wished. A monumental effort that requires a monumental sacrifice.

Toshinori obediently moves from the couch to the spare bedroom oshishou had set aside for him. He hears her bedroom door click shut, and waits a breathless five minutes before getting to his feet. His bedroom window is just wide enough for him to wriggle out of, but first he needs his gear.

Gran Torino has tried to teach him how to sneak.

Sneaking is a lot easier with a fake excuse. Toshinori judges the distance from the kitchen to the front door, and hopes that oshishou is too distracted—ack, gross, gross, even if Gran Torino is unbelievably sweet and stupid—to think about his footsteps to the kitchen.

He roots around for a mug and switches on the kettle. Tensely, Toshinori waits for oshishou to peek out and double-check on him.

When that doesn’t happen, he darts for his gear. Boots and cape. His wrist bracers and belt are still on. Toshinori wraps his shoes in the fabric and lobs the package through his bedroom door onto his bed; it lands with a muffled thwmp.

Toshinori makes tea. He carries it carefully back, and sets it down on his desk. He listens for the soft murmuring of their conversation, and hears nothing. Not even a snore.

Time to go.

There aren’t any alternatives to reaching Ekusegoru. He’s only eighteen; he’s an intern to a nobody pair of pro-heroes; he doesn’t have money to hire some unsuspecting captain. So Toshinori puts on his brightest smile and charms the hell out of the crew.

“It’s only a recon,” he laughs. “Oshishou and Torino-sensei think I should get some experience with a solo patrol, y’know?”

The captain is visibly uncomfortable by the change. “All Might, are you absolutely sure that your teachers want you to do this alone? Maybe I should call the agency.”

“They’re preoccupied with something else,” Toshinori lies, smiling. “A really dangerous villain tried going for the archives and is trying to go underground, and they dispatched me to take care of this while they dealt with that.”

“Huh,” mutters the captain, tugging the brim of her cap. “They trust you a lot.”

“I’m top of my class.”

“Kids these days…”

And she takes him to Ekusegoru. Toshinori chafes his hands together and tries to think about a strategy. He can’t kill All for One. That resets the loop. At the same time, giving his oshishou’s greatest enemy—Japan’s greatest threat—One for All is definitely not on the table. Toshinori needs to die, and the best way to do that is to goad the bull.

If this doesn’t work, he tries to comfort himself, then the loop will simply reset, and his mentors will be none the wiser.

If this does work—well. Not like Toshinori will have to face the consequences anyway.

He enters the empty city, hyper-aware that he is walking into a trap without the certain possibility of a safety net. He sprints for the heart, channeling all his desperation and resolve, pulling on One for All in a way that burns.

The world looks sharper. It looks a little smaller. His suit stretches to the point of tearing a little. Toshinori doesn’t have time to gauge the differences; his body moves instinctively, and he slams into the warehouse shouting, “All for—!”

He freezes.

All for One looks at him coolly, with disinterest. The hostage is discarded on the floor, dead. Her wrists and ankles are untied; in the previous loops, she’d been forced to her knees, and the dread of disobeying her captor were all the restraints needed.

“The intern,” All for One names.

“All Might,” he corrects. Toshinori forces his feet into moving, forces himself to circle All for One instead of leaping directly to extract the body.

All for One doesn’t even turn to keep him in sight. “Shimura’s stray, ready for a fight that he shouldn’t even know about. Aren’t protocols for recon to check the perimeter and then investigate?”

Don’t freeze. Don’t stutter. Goad the bull and allow yourself to be gored by the horns.

“Even the blind could tell this was a trap,” Toshinori retorts. “Your reign of terror is over, All for One.”

“Oh? You know who I am?” All for One’s voice saddens, sweetens. “I knew the woman was a fool, but I hadn’t taken her to be cruel enough to force a child into this vendetta. You’re her successor, aren’t you? Number eight?”

Toshinori lunges at All for One’s back.

It’s a short fight. He gets curb-stomped, for lack of a better term, even though his body moves faster, endures better, hits harder. All for One is an opponent he hasn’t been prepared to face; oshishou prioritized running away and survival for him. For good fucking reason, apparently.

“You’re a hundred years too early to be challenging me,” the enemy chides. Toshinori can barely hear past the pain of being broken and bloodied and bruised.

“Asshole,” he curses.

“You know how this works. Give me One for All, and all this ends.” All for One’s grin is wide and manic with victory. His hand settles over Toshinori’s heart; Toshinori’s pulse is going rabbit-quick with fear. “I must thank Shimura before she dies. It’s always such a hassle, knowing the wielders’ luck in finding successors right before I can retrieve my Quirk.”

“It’s not yours,” Toshinori denies. It won’t be. I won’t. I won’t break.

“It was mine before you existed. Mine to give, and mine to take back.” All for One pulls out a pager. “Now, will you be a good hero and give me One for All, or shall I message Shimura that you’re my hostage? She’ll die for nothing, and I promise, I will make you watch her death.”

Goad the bull and allow yourself to be gored by its horns.

He wonders how much time has elapsed. Two hours total, for the boat to return to the mainland, get oshishou and Gran Torino, and come back. By then, the five hours allotted to them by the time-loop will have run out.

“Why are you such an asshole,” he says, wheezing.

“I’m righting the wrongs of the world. I need power to do it. Power, that comes from your stolen Quirk.” All for One presses the hand on Toshinori’s chest down, and something is creaking. Something is breaking. Unbidden, tears mix with sweat and grime and blood. “You understand. All Might. A man after my own philosophy.”

“No—”

“You want justice and equality. I’m going to provide that.”

“You monologue too much,” Toshinori spits, and All for One sighs.

“Well. We have time.” The pressure on his chest relents, and All for One backhands him—

One for All resets. Toshinori wakes to the scent of oden, savory and nauseating, and he understands now why Gran Torino is always moving violently after a loop. He should hide the trauma; he can’t unnecessarily burden them with the knowledge; he understands why Gran Torino didn’t want to tell oshishou.

He falls off the stool.

“All Might!” Oshishou immediately slips off her seat and kneels on the ground beside him, and the worry in her expression—Toshinori’s hyperventilating, burning with shame and terror, and he wants—

“Oshishou,” he sobs, gasping, and her cape falls over their heads, curtaining them off from the world. It’s the first time he’s been subject to the use, and he gets why oshishou wants to register the cape as a shock blanket. It’s very effective.

“Shh, shh, it’s okay, you’re safe,” she says, soothing. “You’re okay, Toshinori.”

“Oshishou, I’m—I’m so sorry—I’m—”

He’s glad, in a way, that another loop has been triggered. It means that One for All is generous. It does not want anyone to die; it’s following his wish. One for All wants everyone to be saved, and is willing to reset time until they learn sacrifice is not the name of the game.

Toshinori hugs her, repeating his apologies. Her hug is firm, and gentle, and kind; she continues to reassure him, even though it must be increasingly awkward to break down in public like this.

Eventually, he collects himself. He can cry later. Probably in the office, as a defensive measure when Gran Torino inevitably wrangles the story out in the debrief.

Because Gran Torino will tell oshishou that they napped the last loop away. And no nap should result in Toshinori crying and having a panic attack. Therefore, he’s done something traumatic and he needs to tell them.

This needed to be tested though. Toshinori could never forgive himself for being too much of a coward not to try, and his mentors wouldn’t have given him permission.

(There’s an unspoken agreement, after, that the loop will be spent recovering. Five hours is not nearly enough time to gloss over the memory of All for One, but Toshinori is sandwiched between his mom and—and his dad—and even though Sorahiko seethed over Toshinori’s inherited ideals of martyrdom, Sorahiko was the one to call for a dogpile.

Of course, Sorahiko is a hypocrite who goes to confront All for One on his own. Oshishou is much smarter, if bitter, and she tells Toshinori, “I am going to talk to One for All, and I am going to figure out how to end this cycle.”

Toshinori feels hope rise, and he believes her.)

[placetobenation]

Happy (sort of) Independence Day to all! As we discuss in this space every year, yours truly is a man of traditions and there is no tradition greater than crushing hot dogs all day and night during a summer cookout, meaning the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest is as peak tradition as it gets. And I am here for you to review this epic event each and every year! As usual, we are coming to you live (via tape for me now, natch) from the home of the contest and the original Nathan’s Famous in Brooklyn on Coney Island. And this year, ESPN has moved the full replay of this event to ESPN+, so I had to sign up for the free trial of that grift just to do this. You’re welcome.

We open up our coverage with one of our usual epic intro packages, this one putting some focus on the greatest carnival barker of all time: George FUCKING Shea. I say it every year, but if you are to watch this thing for one reason, it should be for George, who we see high above the masses on a pulpit pitching his pitch for this contest of kings. That is followed by a look back at the key players and their history with the contest and their path to today. That includes the infamous 2015 battle where Matthew Stonie knocked off the GOAT Joey Chestnut, handing him his only loss over the past 11 years. And last year, Chestnut broke his own record with 72 dogs taken down. This recap tries hard to make us think Stonie and Carmen Cincotti have a shot today but time will tell.

Adam Amin and Rich Shea officially welcome us into Coney Island and narrate us through the arrival of the competitors. Amin is new to the show, replacing our old friend Paul Page. I assume Pauly must be in a hospital somewhere because I can’t imagine how that guy would miss this event. Page compares Chestnut to other sports legends and the titles they have won. We also check out the historical hot dogs eaten chart for the career of Chestnut.

We then visit with our intrepid sideline reporter Melanie Collins, who is back for year #4. And just in case you forgot what we are working with there, here you go…

Hi, Mel. Melanie chats with Chestnut, who is fired up and says he won’t be lazy today and is interested if Cincotti can break 70. Melanie breaks down the conditions for us and its possible affect on Joey. What a fucking pro. And while we talk about Matt Stonie’s YouTube success and dramatic drop off here in Brooklyn over the past two years, let’s just pay tribute to our favorite Nathan’s Famous sideline reporter of all time. The First Lady of Salty, Cobbled Together Meatlike Products Consumption Contests, the gorgeous Renee Herlocker.

Renee is gone. I’m pouring beer out for my shorty who ain’t here. Give it up for my shorty. Renee. We get more talk pushing the cases of Cincotti and others, as Adam and Rich think this is the dopest field we have seen in quite some time. I will believe it when I see it, boys.

After a break, we check out some clips from promotion work the competitors have done and it is really clear that Cincotti is getting the Jesus Push as the top contender yet again this year. It is a lot of pressure and the biggest story of the day may be whether or not he can hold up. That is followed up by a look hyping the women’s competition, focusing on our reigning champ Miki Sudo, who has won the last four Mustard Belts after dethroning Sonia Thomas. We transition right into brief highlights of the women’s battle, which featured very little drama. Sudo won it again, outpacing second place by nine dogs but also matching her second lowest total of her run. The heat certainly played a role there, I am sure.

Congrats, Miki! Hopefully they can find a legit challenger to her soon before she just keeps piling up these straps. We do find out that her family was in attendance for the first time today, so that is cool. Mel chats with Miki, who says she knew she had a strong lead and just kept pace enough to win. She joins Chestnut and Kobayashi as the only five time champions here in Brooklyn.

Melanie returns and walks us through a video profile on Cincotti, the local hero done well. Of course, fittingly he was born on the Fourth of July and has risen the ranks of competitive eating as the years have ticked along. We get words from his family, including his mom, who wasn’t happy that she funded his college tuition and then went into competitive hot dog eating, but she seems proud nonetheless. Today on his 25th birthday, he goes for the gold.

Upon returning from a break, we get a plug for American Cornhole League action and then get an in depth package on Mr. Chestnut himself, including talk about all his head-to-head wars with Kobayashi. That is immediately followed by a hype piece on Japanese import Max Suzuki, a YouTube sensation that prefers Ramen noodles as his gluttonous delicacy of choice. He qualified for this contest by knocking down 42 dogs in the Las Vegas qualifier and credits Kobayashi as his inspiration and hero.

And after a break it is now time for the competitors to enter… and as always, I implore you to watch this part for yourselves because no man can do the Immortal George Shea justice as he does his thing. The field:

Matt Hazzard: Qualified in Valdosta, GA by finishing off 22 dogs and buns

Derek Jacobs: A weightlifter that won a Kroeger Contest and for some reason, he is barefoot

Juan Neave: Won the San Antonio qualifier and has a multicolored mohawk

Adrian “The Rabbit” Morgan: #7 in the world; Acme Oyster eating champion, killed 42 dozen in eight minutes

Pablo Martinez: Wearing a Lucha mask for his entrance and is a paranormal investigator

Eric “The Red” Denmark: Habanero eating champion of the world; Won the Portland, OR qualifier

“Buffalo” Jim Reeves:”His good cholesterol is low, his bad cholesterol is high and his BMI is borderline Presidential”

Steve Hendry: #16 in the world; 28 dogs and buns in Viejo, CA; has eaten 144 chicken wings

Juan “More Bite” Rodriguez: #12 in the world; personal trainer and won the Des Moines qualifier

Ronnie Hartman: Debuted in 2013 while on leave from Army duty in Afghanistan; training to be a pro wrestler

George Chiger: A massive dude and a rookie who qualified on his fourth try

Nick Wehry: Odds on favorite for MLE Rookie of the Year; won the Citi Field qualifier

Gideon Oji: Ranked #6; Kale eating and green chili stew champion of the world

Eric “Badlands” Booker: The Fucking Man and he and Shea do an awesome combo freestyle rap

Rich “The Locust” LeFevre: #13 and 74 years old; Shea basically says is on his deathbed; Spam eating champion of the world and oldest competitor in 101 year history of the contest

Max Suzuki: #1 in Japan; Has eaten 20 pounds of Ramen

Geoffrey Esper: Pepperoni roll and pizza eating champion of the world

Darron Breeden; Uses the “Tallahassee Two Hand” method

Matt Stonie: #2 in the world; 2016 Nathan’s Champion; Shea is fucking amazing here too

Carmen Cincotti: “He was born on the Fourth of July but this day is a vessel of pain”

Joey Chestnut: The GOAT

This was all worth watching just for the Booker & Shea freestyle battle. What a fucking moment. We also get a neat scroll of all the records Chestnut holds. A true legend of space and time. And after this next break, the 101st Nathan’s Contest will kick off!

We return with one last hype video including a Badlands Booker rap and then it is officially time to light this candle. The clock winds up and away we go! Chestnut is burying processed meat off the bat as we learn that Joey has his own dedicated camera on ESPN3 like the fucking legend he is. Everyone is chugging along at a solid pace to start as usual, with Chestnut setting the pace as usual. The announcers discuss how relaxed Stonie was this week and that could come into play and toss out a potential comparison of Nick Foles beating Tom Brady. Stonie, Suzuki and Cincotti have all passed Chestnut but that is short lived, natch. Stonie is on fire here as we tick two minutes in. Some of these dudes have earbuds in, which is pretty cool. They should do a segment on what they prefer to listen to. Stonie and Chestnut are neck and neck now, and this is a nice bounce back for Matty after a weak showing a year ago.

As we duck below seven minutes, Cincotti is struggling, perhaps crumbling under all the hype and birthday expectations. Joey is at 27, averaging about 7.75 per minute. He has now opened up a six dog lead over Stonie, who is fading quickly. We are closing in on five minutes and this may already be over as Chestnut is leading Esper by seven with Stonie and Cincotti in sniffing distance. Halfway through, Chestnut is at 37 and Melanie tells us he is behind the pace he figured he needed to break the record. We get some insight on the humidity as Chestnut now leads by 11. Amin is rambling about Liv Tyler as this thing is all but over, leaving the record as the only point of question. Shea talks about Chestnut’s training and prep this week, which is more interesting than the contest. Chestnut is at 48 with three minutes to go so he will need to rally pump some meat down to take this record.

Stonie and Cincotti oscillate for second but are trailing by deep double digits now. Shea wonders how many eaters can hit 50 and reminds us that those beyond the winner also get prize money, so finishing high means more cash. We are under two minutes and Joey is sitting in the mid-50s, he has some legit work to do to get the record, but we can never count him out. Amin and Shea are all over the place as we hit the final minute. Chestnut is at 58 and leading by 19 with 60 seconds to go. “The esophagus of a champion, the stomach of a warlord” says Shea, and who can argue with him. Joey is destroying the field but is only at 62 with 15 seconds left so the record looks safe for this year. Time bleeds out and Chestnut locks up his 11th title with a 19 dog win. What a master of his craft. Cincotti finished second at least, so nice rally there.

We wrap things up with Mel chatting with Chestnut, who talks about battling the humidity and says the judges were a mess and couldn’t keep track but he fought through. We also now find out that Chestnut actually wrecked 74 hot dogs, which would be the record. Looks like that unofficial tracker was way off then. Chestnut celebrates while Amin and Shea wrap us up and we are out.

This was a lot of fun as always thanks to George Shea and the production but we need some legit threats to both belts at some point. Seeing Chestnut smash records is fun, but without a real foe the contests are anticlimactic. And we didn’t even get to enjoy the buzz of the record falling this year because of the judge and tracker issues. All that said, this is still one of my favorite events of the year and I am already prepping for 2019! All hail Joseph Chestnut, the once and future king of processed meats!

[con-or-bust]

Tor.com Publishing prize pack of 10 titles

New Post by Kate Nepveu at http://con-or-bust.org/2017/04/tor-com-publishing-prize-pack-of-10-titles/ :

Tor.com Publishing prize pack of 10 titles

Item Name and Description: one of three prize packs from Tor.com Publishing, containing the following ten titles, some of which have not been released yet:

Infomocracy by Malka Older

Null States by Malka Older (ARC; forthcoming, September 2017)

River of Teeth by Sarah Gailey

The Delirium Brief by Charles Stross (ARC; forthcoming, July 2017)

Every Heart a Doorway by Seanan McGuire

Down Among the Sticks and Bones by Seanan McGuire (ARC; forthcoming, June 2017)

Brother’s Ruin by Emma Newman

Agents of Dreamland by Caitlin Kiernan

Fortress at the End of Time by Joe M. McDermott

Standard Hollywood Depravity by Adam Christopher

Cover copy and cover images behind the read more.

Starting Bid: $40.

Shipping: Worldwide.

Other Notes: Three sets available; top three bids win. Consecutive bids must still increase.

Infomocracy by Malka Older

Read Infomocracy, the first book in Malka Older’s groundbreaking cyberpunk political thriller series The Centenal Cycle and the novel NPR called “Kinetic and gripping.”

• The book The Huffington Post called “one of the greatest literary debuts in recent history” • One of Kirkus‘ “Best Fiction of 2016” • One of The Washington Post‘s “Best Science Fiction and Fantasy of 2016” • One of Book Riot’s “Best Books of 2016 So Far”

It’s been twenty years and two election cycles since Information, a powerful search engine monopoly, pioneered the switch from warring nation-states to global micro-democracy. The corporate coalition party Heritage has won the last two elections. With another election on the horizon, the Supermajority is in tight contention, and everything’s on the line.

With power comes corruption. For Ken, this is his chance to do right by the idealistic Policy1st party and get a steady job in the big leagues. For Domaine, the election represents another staging ground in his ongoing struggle against the pax democratica. For Mishima, a dangerous Information operative, the whole situation is a puzzle: how do you keep the wheels running on the biggest political experiment of all time, when so many have so much to gain?

Infomocracy is Malka Older’s debut novel.

Null States by Malka Older (ARC; forthcoming, September 2017)

Null States continues Malka Older’s Centenal Cycle, the trilogy beginning with Infomocracy

The future of democracy is about to implode.

After the last controversial global election, the global infomocracy that has ensured thirty years of world peace is fraying at the edges. As the new Supermajority government struggles to establish its legitimacy, agents of Information across the globe strive to keep the peace and maintain the flows of data that feed the new world order.

In the newly-incorporated DarFur, a governor dies in a fiery explosion. In Geneva, a superpower hatches plans to bring microdemocracy to its knees. In Central Asia, a sprawling war among archaic states threatens to explode into a global crisis. And across the world, a shadowy plot is growing, threatening to strangle Information with the reins of power.

River of Teeth by Sarah Gailey

Sarah Gailey’s wildfire debut River of Teeth is a rollicking alternate history adventure that Charlie Jane Anders calls “preposterously fun.”

In the early 20th Century, the United States government concocted a plan to import hippopotamuses into the marshlands of Louisiana to be bred and slaughtered as an alternative meat source. This is true.

Other true things about hippos: they are savage, they are fast, and their jaws can snap a man in two.

This was a terrible plan.

Contained within this volume is an 1890s America that might have been: a bayou overrun by feral hippos and mercenary hippo wranglers from around the globe. It is the story of Winslow Houndstooth and his crew. It is the story of their fortunes. It is the story of his revenge.

The Delirium Brief by Charles Stross (ARC; forthcoming, July 2017)

“Smart, literate, funny.” —Lev Grossman, author of The Magicians

Someone is dead set to air the spy agency’s dirty laundry in The Delirium Brief, the next installment to Charles Stross’ Hugo Award-winning comedic dark fantasy Laundry Files series!

Bob Howard’s career in the Laundry, the secret British government agency dedicated to protecting the world from unspeakable horrors from beyond spacetime, has entailed high combat, brilliant hacking, ancient magic, and combat with indescribably repellent creatures of pure evil. It has also involved a wearying amount of paperwork and office politics, and his expense reports are still a mess.

Now, following the invasion of Yorkshire by the Host of Air and Darkness, the Laundry’s existence has become public, and Bob is being trotted out on TV to answer pointed questions about elven asylum seekers. What neither Bob nor his managers have foreseen is that their organization has earned the attention of a horror far more terrifying than any demon: a British government looking for public services to privatize.

Inch by inch, Bob Howard and his managers are forced to consider the truly unthinkable: a coup against the British government itself.

Every Heart a Doorway by Seanan McGuire

Read Every Heart a Doorway, the transformative book that won the 2017 Alex Award, is a finalist for the Hugo and Nebula Awards for Best Novella, and made the 2016 Tiptree Honor List, and that NPR called a “mini-masterpiece of portal fantasy — a jewel of a book that deserves to be shelved with Lewis Carroll’s and C. S. Lewis’ classics” Eleanor West’s Home for Wayward Children No Solicitations No Visitors No Quests

Children have always disappeared under the right conditions; slipping through the shadows under a bed or at the back of a wardrobe, tumbling down rabbit holes and into old wells, and emerging somewhere… else.

But magical lands have little need for used-up miracle children.

Nancy tumbled once, but now she’s back. The things she’s experienced… they change a person. The children under Miss West’s care understand all too well. And each of them is seeking a way back to their own fantasy world.

But Nancy’s arrival marks a change at the Home. There’s a darkness just around each corner, and when tragedy strikes, it’s up to Nancy and her new-found schoolmates to get to the heart of things.

No matter the cost.

Down Among the Sticks and Bones by Seanan McGuire (ARC; forthcoming, June 2017)

Seanan McGuire returns to her popular Wayward Children series with Down Among the Sticks and Bones—a truly standalone story suitable for adult and young adult readers of urban fantasy, and the follow-up to the Alex Award-winning, Hugo and Nebula finalist, Tiptree Honor List Every Heart a Doorway

Twin sisters Jack and Jill were seventeen when they found their way home and were packed off to Eleanor West’s Home for Wayward Children.

This is the story of what happened first…

Jacqueline was her mother’s perfect daughter—polite and quiet, always dressed as a princess. If her mother was sometimes a little strict, it’s because crafting the perfect daughter takes discipline.

Jillian was her father’s perfect daughter—adventurous, thrill-seeking, and a bit of a tom-boy. He really would have preferred a son, but you work with what you’ve got.

They were five when they learned that grown-ups can’t be trusted.

They were twelve when they walked down the impossible staircase and discovered that the pretense of love can never be enough to prepare you a life filled with magic in a land filled with mad scientists and death and choices.

Brother’s Ruin by Emma Newman

The year is 1850 and Great Britain is flourishing, thanks to the Royal Society of the Esoteric Arts. When a new mage is discovered, Royal Society elites descend like buzzards to snatch up a new apprentice. Talented mages are bought from their families at a tremendous price, while weak mages are snapped up for a pittance. For a lower middle class family like the Gunns, the loss of a son can be disastrous, so when seemingly magical incidents begin cropping up at home, they fear for their Ben’s life and their own livelihoods.

But Benjamin Gunn isn’t a talented mage. His sister Charlotte is, and to prevent her brother from being imprisoned for false reporting she combines her powers with his to make him seem a better prospect.

When she discovers a nefarious plot by the sinister Doctor Ledbetter, Charlotte must use all her cunning and guile to protect her family, her secret and her city.

Brother’s Ruin is the first in a new gaslamp fantasy series by Emma Newman.

Agents of Dreamland by Caitlin Kiernan

A government special agent known only as the Signalman gets off a train on a stunningly hot morning in Winslow, Arizona. Later that day he meets a woman in a diner to exchange information about an event that happened a week earlier for which neither has an explanation, but which haunts the Signalman.

In a ranch house near the shore of the Salton Sea a cult leader gathers up the weak and susceptible — the Children of the Next Level — and offers them something to believe in and a chance for transcendence. The future is coming and they will help to usher it in.

A day after the events at the ranch house which disturbed the Signalman so deeply that he and his government sought out help from ‘other’ sources, Johns Hopkins Applied Physics Laboratory abruptly loses contact with NASA’s interplanetary probe New Horizons. Something out beyond the orbit of Pluto has made contact.

And a woman floating outside of time looks to the future and the past for answers to what can save humanity.

Agents of Dreamland is a new Lovecraftian horror novella from award-winning author Caitlín R. Kiernan.

Fortress at the End of Time by Joe M. McDermott

Captain Ronaldo Aldo has committed an unforgivable crime. He will ask for forgiveness all the same: from you, from God, even from himself.

Connected by ansible, humanity has spread across galaxies and fought a war against an enemy that remains a mystery. At the edge of human space sits the Citadel—a relic of the war and a listening station for the enemy’s return. For a young Ensign Aldo, fresh from the academy and newly cloned across the ansible line, it’s a prison from which he may never escape.

Deplorable work conditions and deafening silence from the blackness of space have left morale on the station low and tensions high. Aldo’s only hope of transcending his station, and cloning a piece of his soul somewhere new is both his triumph and his terrible crime.

The Fortress at the End of Time is a new science fiction novel from Joe M. McDermott.

Standard Hollywood Depravity by Adam Christopher

The moment Raymond Electromatic set eyes on her, he knew she was the dame marked in his optics, the woman that his boss had warned him about.

Honey.

As the band shook the hair out of their British faces, stomping and strumming, the go-go dancer’s cage swung, and the events of that otherwise average night were set in motion. A shot, under the cover of darkness, a body bleeding out in a corner, and most of Los Angeles’ population of hired guns hulking, sour-faced over un-drunk whiskey sours at the bar.

But as Ray tries to track down the package he was dispatched to the club to retrieve, his own programming might be working against him, sending him down a long hall and straight into a mobster’s paradise. Is Honey still the goal—or was she merely bait for a bigger catch?

Just your standard bit of Hollywood depravity, as tracked by the memory tapes of a less-than-standard robot hitman.

Standard Hollywood Depravity is a Ray Electromatic mystery by Adam Christopher.

Bidding will begin on Monday, April 24, 2017 at 12:01 a.m. Eastern (time zone conversions). Learn about bidding or offer something of your own for auction.