#And this is what happens when you have random thoughts on the bus at 9am while being sleep deprived

[yujeong]

I remember stumbling upon a couple of comments about Vegas' "You're the most important person in my life" line, saying that it's a bad thing to say because Macau exists and I have thoughts about it.

Pete is the most important person in Vegas' life. He's the man who saved him twice - both from his enemies and from himself - , he's the man who opened his eyes about his father's abuse, he's the man who showed empathy and love to him despite being tortured within an inch of his life by him. Sure, Macau loves him too and without him, Vegas wouldn't have the capability of love at all (shout-out to Lusn's brilliant line in smog lights, it's still stuck in my head) but let's also keep in mind that he's his brother and younger brother at that. He can only offer so much to him, there are limits to what he can do.

People had said the same thing when Vegas was going to commit suicide too.

"What does he mean he has nothing? He has Macau. Why isn't he thinking about him? He's going to leave him alone, that's so cruel"

Well...I have never had suicidal thoughts in my life but I can assume that when a person gets to that point, they're 1. not thinking rationally and 2. not thinking of themselves as valuable. I'm sure if Vegas thought of Macau while pointing the gun to his chin, he'd think he'd be doing Macau a favour by dying.

Back to the original point, the same is true for Pete. Vegas is Pete's most important person in his life too. Vegas unlocked a part of Pete he kept hidden and was in deep denial about, letting him be a person with wants and needs and a voice, instead of background decor in his own life. But fans don't really think about that because Pete never said it and Pete's grandma was only mentioned throughout the show, only having two phone call cameos in which we didn't even hear what she said. What applies to Macau though, applies to her too.

I understand why it sounded off to some people. I think it's the innate belief most people have about family and it being the most important thing in someone's life, everything else coming in second place, including friendships and romantic/sexual partners. I need them to understand though that in the case of VP, it isn't just a sexual/romantic relationship. They're basically soulmates; they were two broken pieces that fit together. They bonded under such hard circumstances and came on top despite everything being against them. One would not be able to live without the other.

And in my honest opinion, I think Macau knows this. There's a reason he's smiling like the cute little gremlin that he is, while watching them kissing, having heard everything Vegas said. He knows Pete is the most important person in Vegas' life and he's extremely happy about it. Someone else finally sees Vegas like he sees him. Someone finally loves him with all his heart, so much so that they left their whole previous life behind for him. Vegas finally has a family that he loves and loves him back, Macau included. And I think that's beautiful.

[hwrryscherry]

The one where Y/N is a princess.

characters: HARRYxPRINCESSY/N

blurb: Y/N is the youngest daughter of Prince Charles and Princess Diana which makes herself the youngest sister of William and Harry(the duke of Sussex). Harry(Styles) and she meet at the Dunkirk premiere when Y/N attended with her brother Harry. This time, Harry(Styles) is in London and show Princess Y/N what it feels like to be just a girl called ‘’Y/N’’ for a day.

word count: 2.4K

warnings: fluff, a little sad in the end.

author’s note: I received a request about Y/N being a heiress and my mind just go directly to royalty so I guess this could be cool? I tried lol. If you’re british and you felt ofended by any way while reading this I’m extremely sorry!!!! I hope you guys like it as much as I do. And also, I just wanted to share that I wrote this listening to ‘’Ophelia’’ by The Lumineers and ‘’The Book of You & I’’ by Alec Benjamin. 

    You and Harry scheduled to meet in the British Museum situated in the Bloomsbury area of London even though it was a public space, it wouldn’t be a surprise as people already knew that you and harry new each other. You both met on the Dunkirk premiere which you attended together with your brother Harry. Harry(Styles) was such a gentleman, he actually were nervous. As a British man he respects the royal family as much possibler than he can, and he would never want to make neither you nor your brother to feel uncomfortable.

    But anyway, you both scheduled there because Harry had been in England for a while and as you stayed friends it just felt right to meet up. You actually felt really tired, emotionally tired. You were so used to traveling the most amazing places with friends and now being basically locked up at The Buckingham Palace because of the corona virus felt draining for you. So when Harry came up with the meeting you were so glad to finally be leaving home, and Harry has always been the type of person who you felt like you could talk openly and be exactly who you want to be, and we don’t even have to say that the British museum it’s probably one of your favorite places in London. You were enamored by art, and there were so many interesting things in there and every time you’ll go there you’d find something new.

  It was 9am and the museum it’s actually closed now but you did have some perks. You were in the Egyptian part accompanied by your bodyguard Jasper, when you suddenly listened the rough voice of you dearly friend coming closer to you making you turn yourself to look at him getting closer. He greeted you with a simple hug in which you reciprocated by opening a slight smile looking at him.

— Hello, darling — Harry said while using his hands to style his short and messy hair with a smile on his face. — How are you?

— Hi, I’ve been good, just tired! But what about you? — You asked as you both started to walk through the beautiful masterpieces — How’s your mom and Gemma? — You had that really strong British accent, which Harry understood completly, and he really likes it. He thinks it’s the cutest thing. Actually, Harry thought everything about you were extremely cute, you both have a little crush on each other but as you already told him a lot of times before, just the thought of how many things he’d have to leave for because of the royal regulation made you sad for him. You’d never ask him for something like that.

— They’re good but... — Harry stopped walking looking fixedly to your face trying to analyze your emotions by their expressions — Why are you tired? I mean, I understand it must be really bad living in a castle but anyway, what happened? — Harry said smirking at you and your reaction of laughing and rolling your eyes at him.

— Haha, really funny! You should be a humorist — You answered mocking a bit and running your right hand through your hair as you started walking again — And I asked you how were you, you won’t answer? I’ll lock you in the dungeon for your audacity! — You both always joked like this because when you first started being friends, Harry had all that idea about the old royalty with dungeons and prisoners so you’d always make fun of him for that.

— Alright, alright! I'm good, they're good, we're all good. Now, tell me! — Harry said putting his right hand slightly on your shoulder making you stop walking and look at him with all your attention. You sighed trying to form your words to explain exactly what you were feeling to him.

— I don't know, I'm just... I'm so tired of the routine, you know? I wish I could just go out to do the craziest things and not be recognized. — You were looking straight to Harry's green eyes, it felt like they were watching your soul because e was giving you his full atention. The boy really did care about you. He stayes quiet for a while in complete silence, it was a comfortable silence though. It never felt like you and Harry needed to talk all the time when you got together because it was nice just to stay together and enjoy each other's company.

— Let me take you out! — Harry suddenly said after a few seconds making your eyes widen up as you looked at him.

— Excuse me? — You asked.

— Let me take you out! We can put on some disguises and take the best London tour we can find, I bet you've never done it! — Harry said with a little smirk in the end. He was right, you never took a tour through your own city which seems crazy — You know... I really like you and if you wanna have fun this could be great! You'll be just a girl called Y/N and I'll be just a boy called Harry. — He said trying to argue with your thoughts thinking if this would actually be a good thing to do. But you didn't really have anything to lose, did you? — So, do you wanna do a bunch of fun things with me today? — Harry held out his right hand to you indicating that as soon as you shake his hand you would leave that museum and probably have the best day of your life, and so you did.

So as soon as you could, you both were out of that museum with the most ridiculous disguises, if I might say. Harry changed his fashionable clothes for some neutral grey hoodie and you changed your cute black dress to a jeans and hoodie as well. Your heart raced a bit when you both left that museum, the fear of being recognized was in you. It's not that you don't love the people of this nation, it's just... a day off could fit you pretty well.

It was hard to convince Jasper to leave you both alone though, it was his job to keep you safe and actually you don't even remember the last time you left your home without him, you just needed freedom for a while but you did convince him. He spent some minutes actually talking to Harry tons of rules about keeping both of you safe and how he couldn't risk your life and all that stuffs.

For the first time in your life, you were on those big, red and popular British bus. You and Harry entered by the back door and within minutes, you both were on the upon side of it on the last chairs. You looked through the window admiring this city and thinking about how much you would never want to live anywhere else. Harry was making a lot of dad jokes beside you though. You tried to laugh as lowly as you could but it was almost impossible, come on “What's the name of a man with a rubber toe? Roberto” it's so bad that it turns out to be funny. But anyway, the bus took both of us to King Cross where you entered a very popular fast-food place called “Five Guys” as Harry guaranteed you was the best he'd ever had and even though you'd doubted it so much, you agreed to go with him. When you were there, you ordered the biggest burger it had on the menu, which actually surprised Harry, but he surprised it too as he ordered it on the name of “Archie and Eleanor” so you could maintain your disguise.

— So.. Archie and Eleanor? — You asked smirking when you finally took the first bite of your burger. It was delicious but Harry was definitely lying, this is not the best one ever, but yep, all for the experience.

— Come on, you loved it! It's very charming, don't you think? — Harry asked as he took a sip of his coca-cola. It's crazy how these stupid disguises was working, is it really that impossible to recognize someone with a hoodie, cap and sunglasses? You didn't want to know because you were having a nice time.

— You know what, I think we need to get those Chinese cookies because I wanna read my luck! — You commented making him shook his head in reaction to your ask.

— Ok so we need to dinner Chinese food so bad! — You argued taking Harry from surprise as he didn't thought you'd stay this late with him.

— You'd have to buy actual Chinese food, you can't just buy the cookie! — He answered raising his eyebrows at you taking his last bite of his burger.

It didn't take much long for you both to be moving again. It was definitely the best day you've had in a while. You both went to Kensigton High Street and bought the most stupid UK theme hats. Harry bought a fake glasses too; it was blue and had a UK flag handed on it making you laugh every time you looked at his face.

— Come on, I still look cute! — He said putting his hands on his hips and posing like a model, on the middle of the street.

— If you say so!

Next you both went all your way up to Abbey Road which is the famous street from The Beatles photo, and you and Harry as the great fans you are had to copy them. You asked to a random person to take a photo of you two with the best American accent you could impersonate to her. The photo looked so cool and a car almost hit you two but you were fine and for some reason you both laughed and ran to the woman with your phone.

— Oh, to be drunk in love! You both are a really cute couple. — The old lady said giving your phone back to you and walked away before any of you could contest her. You both looked at each other and Harry smirked at you.

— Oh, we're such a cute couple! — Harry said blinking his eyes on a very cute way and you just rolled your eyes at him and started walking again.

— Come on, Styles! I wanna go to the Queen's Gallery — You said walking your way up to the bus stop. Harry had a big smile on his face, he didn't remember the last time he actually had that much fun. He loved England. He loved those places and he loved having this much fun with you.

In the Queen's Gallery, you and Harry tried to not make that much of a noise, it was a museum right? But it felt hard to keep it quiet because you both were taking the weirdest and funniest photos with the arts in there, for a moment you even thought you both were going to be expulsed of the location, but you didn't. None of you realized how much the time was flying and it was probably 3 pm now.

The next step was the Columbia Road Flower Market. It was probably the coolest thing of your day. You both ran around taking a lot of photos and videos. You bought one of the most delicious breads in there. You were looking at some flowers when Harry came back to you with a bunch of pink tulips on his hand, it was your favorite flowers and he knew it.

You both went to so many places actually; you went to HMS Belfast, Battersea Park, Albert Memorial, Old Spiralfields Market, Serpentine Lake, Carnaby Street and Holland Park.

When it was closer to the sunset, you went to Princess Diana Memorial Garden. It was a hard place for you. It has always been and Harry even asked if you really wanted to go there, but you did. You needed to sit down for a moment on your life and miss your mom. You were little when she died so you're probably the only one of your brothers that remember her the least.

You both lied down on the grass. It had a fresh breeze in the air, but the sun was still out, it was that golden hour moment. You rested your head on Harry's thorax looking up to the sunset orange sky above you.

— You know this can be great... If we're willing to try! — Harry said in a very low tone. He was caressing your hair with his hand analysing your face, so he could get any reaction for you.

— It would be for a while. — You said sitting up to look at his face, your faces were a few inches apart, the golden coloration on his face giving him the glow he did have naturally — But what would happen 3 years from now when someone tells you that you couldn't perform anymore? Or you couldn't release your songs? It's not right, I can't ask you this! — Harry looked away for a moment, probably trying to contain his emotions and think, just think — But we have today, we have now. Maybe we should just enjoy what we have now!

He looked back at you, directly into your eyes and again, comfortable silence. The comfortable silence Harry thought was so overrated felt right any time he was with you. He put himself closer to you if that even it's possible. His ring handed touched your cheek, eyes never distracting, you leaned in and your lips touched his. It felt magical, it felt quiet and it felt right.

The sun was out now, bringing the night and the sky full of stars. You both were by The Mall avenue, running, and dancing to the song playing backwards; it was Ophelia by the Lumineers, after that day, this song was your song and any time any of you listened to it, each other was brought up to your minds. You called it a night when you both were by the top of the London Eye, where all the big lights inspired you. When the cold breeze hit your hair and the height scared you but Harry made you feel safe.

Harry dropped you off at the castle's gate at midnight, just as he promised. You stayed by the balcony of your room until the sunrise looking at the sky because you knew that Harry was on the other side looking at the sky too thinking about how you'd never get to finish the book of you and him, and if you weren't faded to end together at least you had today.

[missinghan]

radiant ⤖ han jisung

❖ genre : college!au ; love-hate relationship!au ; frenemies to lovers!au ; fluff

❖ word count : 10k.

❖ warning : explicit language & mentions of alcohol

❖ summary : you've made a mental note to yourself never to make dumb bets with J.One again because who knows you'll fall for Han Jisung over two cups of boba?

one.

College. 

That specific morifying seven-letter word can literally make someone jump off a cliff. Like straight up, Lucifer would rather drink and bathe himself in holy water than to join one of the world's most traumatizing systems. Where knowledge is being drilled into people's mind like a tattoo, and it's not even a cute one, one that you most likely will regret later. 

Man, what a life. 

After highschool, most people thought they were ready, physically and mentally. That's not true. Did you really think that you're ready for monotonous lectures, for back-to-back assignments with ridiculous deadlines, for cramming forty slides of the PowerPoint presentation from your professor the night before an exam just because your brain cells decided to say 'fuck it' in the middle of the lecture ? 

No one's ever ready for living to torture themselves. 

Not even Hwang Hyunjin. Hyunjin, the boy you grew up having him right by your window. Hyunjin, that one kid in class who would always hand people his homework whenever they asked for it. He's too kind for this world, for his own good, you often say that to yourself but Hyunjin isn't really all that great. 

He too takes pain in turning in assignments to the T.A and dreads his 9am classes tremendously. But, since he's got a rich ass uncle who has some spare apartments lying somewhat near college ( as long as he preserves the place and invites someone over to help paying the bills ), he doesn't have to deal with the struggles of living on campus. 

And you, just happen to have the honor to live with him. Well, more like temporarily to see how things will work out later. You despise living on campus anyway. 

"What's with the long face ? Did Minho ramble about his cats again instead of working ?" Hyunjin walks into the living room before dropping his keys into the gold-accent bowl that he previously purchased from a garage sale. It's quite convenient, actually, the keys never end up under the couch or some random drawers again.

You look up from your laptop screen, sparing him a glare and focusing back on your assignment. Being a media major is equivalent to taking lots of notes and a shit ton of reading which is a pain in the ass. Meanwhile, a theatre kid like your roommate has his midterms and finals as setting up plays for school's events. Pfft, privileged people.

You don't hate-hate the idea of going to school like some people, in fact, you genuinely love learning, but you're in desperate need of another word for 'child labour' to be applied to this ... situation.

"Ohoho.. It's way worse, trust me, you don't wanna know." You lean your head sideways on one of the pillows, words slightly slurred with your cheek being pressed against the soft surface.

Hyunjin raises his voice from the kitchen area. "Did he confess his love for you or something ?"

"Jesus no ! You know he's not into me like that." You almost screech and sit straight up. "We were supposed to finish our project that's due this Friday. And guess who else was there ? Another chick showed up ! I swear that I wasn't hallucinating, he brought a new one home every other day. She said she was just 'a friend'." You make the quote-on-quote sign with your fingers to emphasize.

You pull on your own hair dramatically with all your might, hissing under your breath just by recalling it. "And whenever we had a twenty-minute break every hour and a half or so, she keeps brushing herself against him, acting all innocent about it. I was deadass pissed off—"

"Woah woah, I don't think it's that—"

You throw your hands in the air helplessly, suppressing the urge to throw a tantrum. "It is that bad, Hyunjin ! The chick doesn't know how to take a fucking hint !" Whatever, Hyunjin is probably too tired to wait for you to finish complaining about some random classmate drooling over Minho because they do that all the time anyway.

"Damn." He sips on his apple juice. "I should come over next time. Might be a not-so-shitty, watered-down version of 'Fifty Shades of Grey'."

You shoot him a glare, closing your laptop shut. "I instantly regret moving in with you."

"Why ?" Hyunjin pouts and plops himself next to you on the beige-colored couch. He reaches for the remote on the coffee table while obnoxiously sipping on the box of juice.

"Because apparently, you love weird, gross, mushy noises as much as Minho does." You answer flatly, burying yourself deeper into the white fuzzy blanket. Actually, no. Living with Hyunjin isn't as bad as you're trying to make it sound.

He might not cook, but he knows some decent restaurant with reasonable prices. He might be all over the place sometimes while panicking over an upcoming exam but at least he keeps his space organized ( unlike Han Jisung, whose closet is a perfect resemblance of World War III ).

Hyunjin throws his apple juice into the nearby bin while scrolling through the 'Romance' section briefly. And sharing the same Netflix account is probably the best decision you two have ever made. "What's worth-hating here ? No smelly kids, no not-having-enough-personal-space problem. There's good food, a cute, quirky roommate which naturally equals good company. You're living your best life right now. The only downside to this is that you have to deal with my questionable sleeping habits."

Fine. Hwang Hyunjin is cute, and a total heartthrob to the entire school. You won't be surprised if every single male student hates him with a passion ( which they do ). Not to mention, all of your female classmates would be more than happy to finish all of your assignments within two days as long as you hand over his number. Although they might want to reconsider due to the fact that this good-looking boy is also that person who records his alarm by yelling at the top of his lungs into his phone speaker.

But, a good friend wouldn't do that, because even God doesn't know what those creepy girls would do once they had their hands on his phone number. This is also why you always get dirty looks from everyone just because you just happen to be his plus-one for everything.

And Hwang Hyunjin only needs a plus-one when Seungmin decides to hate him on that day ( which is almost everyday ). So there goes your reputation. You're probably nothing but a mediocre girl who just doesn't know when not to be all over her hot best friend in the people's eyes.

Hyunjin snaps his head towards the front door when the bell rings then proceeds to turn back to his roommate, showing those ridiculously adorable puppy that naturally implies as 'Get the door for me, will ya ?'. And although all you want to do is to slap him with your laptop, you still stand up nonetheless. You undo the chains and slides the lock over before swinging the door open.

"Hyunjin, I was wondering if you wanna come see us perform this Saturday. You know, at the school's mini music festival. 8p.m. Got two tickets to spare. You can get yourself a plus-one or something." And before you - with an obnoxiously loud tone, the leather jacket and Balenciaga cap - is Changbin, who sassily brushes past you and makes a beeline towards the couch, where Hyunjin is man-spreading, wrapped up securely in his white fluffy blanket.

He lazily sits up from his previous position, receiving the tickets with half-open eyes. "I'll go. As long as 'Wow' is on schedule." 'Wow' is 3racha's first and most definitely last attempt of a love song but somehow, it's managed to get itself a special place in Hyunjin's heart. Well, more accurately, everyone's heart.

Changbin cocks an eyebrow. "It's first on the list actually." He then turns to you with a smirk spread across his lips. "Whatcha say, Y/N ? We all know your favorite line is 'Excuse me noona, do you have a boyfriend ?' from the lovely J.One." He refers to one of Jisung's lines in a love song which he wrote at the age of 16, Changbin wasn’t even 18 himself then. Good times. And now literally every girl is more than ready to throw themselves at him anytime, anywhere. Chan really didn't lie when he proclaimed 3racha as 'hot'.

You shake your head with a timid smile tugged on your lips. "I don't think so Bin, I'm having midterms on Monday, J.One can be saved later as my midnight snack whenever I wanna grill his ass for pestering me during the golden hour aka 3a.m."

Midterms sound good enough for an excuse because everyone would literally kill keep their A-s on those report cards. But unfortunately, you can't just play on the infamous SpearB that easily because apparently, being roommates with Hyunjin has absolutely nothing to do with improving your awful acting skills.

Just then, the most inappropriate, insufferable, infuriating, and other synonyms for 'annoying' clapback clicks inside Changbin's brain when an imaginary lightbulb pops up at the top of his head. "Man, you two are really out there banging each other in secret—"

And out the door he goes before you feel the need to personally stitch up his lips with your terrible sewing skills from elementary school. You close your eyes and takes in a deep breath, shutting the door behind your back while Hyunjin is too busy laughing his ass off on the couch.

This is getting to the point where you don't even need Han Jisung to be here to have the urge to strangle him, because his trash friends are no help at all.

two.

You step onto the bus with your earbuds on, right hand dropping the bus ticket into the glass box that's neatly placed right beside the driver's seat. Another day, another 4 hours of lectures and 2 continuous shifts which is another 5 hours at the café on campus, in which, sucks. But, what makes it even suckier comes right in three, two, one..

"Two people please !" A disturbingly obnoxious voice chirps right behind you. Just then, a figure dashes through the couple who are currently throwing daggers at him with their eyes. Not this again. You groans to yourself before sliding an extra ticket into the box because you definitely know better than to mess with a cranky bus driver. That boy over there really gotta pay for that shit.

Then, you take a seat beside the window, deciding to ignore the pest who just made you spend an extra ticket for his ride. You really should have taken another bus instead of the 325. Suddenly, a hand reaches towards one of your earbuds and pulls it out quickly. A puff of air hits your left eardrums like a rush of electricity, causing you to jump a bit.

"Can you stay still for a good span of 10 fucking seconds ?" You deadpan and and snap your head around. And before you - with slightly damp fringe covering his warm brown orbs, cute button nose and peachy lips ( gross ) - is Han Jisung. More accurately, the bane of your existence.

Jisung chuckles loudly at the big scowl on your face as he angles his head to take a proper look at you. You look like you just rolled out of bed, literally, not even metaphorically. Sweatpants, flannels and sneakers are the way to go if you're gonna be on your feet all day running around to serve sleep-deprived students and professors. Of course you look like a complete bum, it's 9a.m. What did he expect ?

"Aw." He pouts. "Where's the fun in that then, little cub ?"

And when Jisung reaches a hand out to pat your head, you frowns at his particularly ridiculous nickname for you and slaps his hand away. He watched the new remake of 'The Lion King' before the new semester started and cried like a total baby when Mufasa fell off the cliff, said Felix. Honestly, you wouldn't blame him because those devastating thirty seconds remain to be the most heartbreaking scene that Disney has ever invented. But still, the nickname is painfully unoriginal.

"Man, I hope you bombed your midterms or something." You speak up flatly, a slightly better retort lingering at the tip of your tongue but you're far too tired to argue with him anyway. And not to mention, your previous statement is completely useless because if Hwang Hyunjin is that kid who works his ass off to get good grades then Jisung is the complete opposite of that. He can sleep through ten lectures and still get a minimum of 90% on his exams. The perks of being a prodigy since newborn, can't relate.

Jisung feigns a painful expression, scrunching his nose up in fake agony. "How supportive of you, so incredibly validating." He cocks his head upwards carelessly, giving you a full view of his side profile.

Okay. Despite his annoying personality and questionable nicknames for everyone then Han Jisung is kinda attractive. You get it, you get it, Hwang Hyunjin is attractive but this prick is another kind of attractive.

Whenever he screams his heart out at the mic on stage, there are literal silver and gold specks floating in his eyes like an explosion of stardust scattered across the whole universe. And the way he conveys his emotions into his lyrics to perform an entire song on stage is just tremendously remarkable. No wonder all the girls always come rushing in when J.One is on stage.

Wait, were you thinking about Han Jisung or J.One ? But no, Han Jisung is J.One. It's just that J.One is slightly cooler than Jisung because he doesn't pester people until they have a cardiac arrest. Whatever, your brain is already yelling for retirement.

"You are coming to watch my performance right ?" Jisung suddenly leans over, your noses almost touching. Being the idiotic person that you are, your body immediately locks itself in place, hissing slightly at the current proximity. Great, now what ?

"Ooh." A low whistle escapes his lips. "You were too busy checking me out. It's okay, that's understandable. Not everyone can have a close-up of J.One's out-of-this-world visual." He flips his imaginary long hair and you make a gagging noise.

"I was not !" You exclaim upon embarrassment, cheeks turning into a bright shade of coral. "There's just something in your teeth."

"Uh huh, I doubt it." Yeah, he would never buy that. Jisung smiles at you cheekily and once again, Han Jisung has proved that he's the kind of guy who has the particular type of smile that makes you want to knock their teeth out. Although you can't help but fall for it nonetheless. Very typical of you. "So, are you coming or nah ?"

Your heart tingles a bit, and you feel like you can just pass out right here right now on this stupid bus in the middle of this stupid conversation with his stupid boy and his stupid smile. "No, I have my midterms on Monday. Guess who's pulling all nighters again ?" You push his face away because if not, you might as well just explode and make a fool of yourself.

"Ahhhh, why not ?" Jisung whines as if there's no tomorrow. "It's not like you enjoy drowning yourself in Kang's 40 slides of 'History of Media 101' anyway." Now, for once in a fairly long time, the bastard finally said something that wasn't complete bullshit. And you're starting to reconsider your decision because although Han Jisung is undeniably insufferable, J.One can make it up with his dope performances. But then again, you really just don't want to see his face on Saturdays.

Suddenly he rolls himself over again, his lips drawing a devilish smile. You can tell already from the dangerous look in his eyes, it's not going to end well.

"Are you in for a bet ? If I win, you'll have to go. But if you win, I'll do whatever you want me to, for an entire week. You're basically the privileged one here, don't even deny it."

three.

Changbin wakes up from his long nap to find Chan having his eyes glued to the laptop's screen as if his life depends on it. It makes him wonder how long his friend has been working on the rearrangement of all their songs for this Saturday's music festival.

"I see that you're making quite the progress." He grunts slightly before sitting up straight. The small faux leather couch that their school has in the band practice room isn't exactly the most comfortable thing to sleep on. But after what seems like an eternity in the lecture hall, tolerating the professor's rant then Changbin wouldn't even mind sleeping on the floor.

Chan slowly peels his eyes away from the screen and blinks numerous times so that he won't potentially go blind. He looks over at Changbin's slouch figure on the couch, tapping away on his phone and smiles dumbly at some memes that Minho just DM-ed to their group chat.

"Damn right, I just finished chopping up the bits of back-up vocals. I feel like my back is so fragile that it might break in half if I stand up." He runs a hand through his mop of black hair that's nowhere near the definition of 'doable' and yawns into his other palm.

He peeks over his shoulder to see Hyunjin and Felix sleeping while leaning against the mirror, Minho laying on top of Jeongin as he chuckles creepily at his phone. And Woojin is too busy singing his heart out with his guitar in the corner to notice Seungmin capturing everyone in their greatest glory, meaning when they're all a hot mess.

Changbin swings his legs over and slips into his black Adidas slides, walking over to Chan in a sluggish manner. He crouches down a bit while squinting his eyes to take a proper look at the laptop screen. Chan indeed has finished most of it, no wonder he looks ( and probably smells ) like trash. "I'll give you a hand, just send these over to me after when you got home." He says, giving his friend a pat on his back.

"Yeah sure," Chan puts a hand over his mouth to cover up another yawn. "By the way, where the fuck is Jisung ? He hasn't been answering my texts all morning."

Changbin gives him an indifferent shrug. "He said he would be on campus all day on Thursdays since he has classes and work right after- hold on he's texting me."

[ 5:23pm ]

piece of shit : where are you guys ?

baby changbin : band room, clearly you never listened.

[ 5:24pm ]

piece of shit : yeesh, I was busy you ass. texting y/n and all.

baby changbin : it was fucking 3a.m. !

[ 5:25pm ]

piece of shit : whatever, we'll be there in two.

He pauses for a while and lets the words sink in. Why "we" and not "I" ? Since when this was a plural thing ? Did all of those lectures and serving sleep-deprived students fuck up his brain cells ?

Wow, now Changbin feels bold to assume that Han Jisung even own brain cells. And before he can show the texts to the rest of his friends to make fun of Jisung while he's not here, the glass door swings open. Hyunjin and Felix jolt up in surprise at the same time, almost bumping their heads together at the creaking sound.

"We got you kids boba, wake up wake up hurry hurry SCHNELL !" Jisung screeches loudly when he pushes himself through the front door, accidentally making you bump your forehead into the dull glass surface.

You follows him inside with a big scowl on your face, quickly passing Changbin the plastic bags. Yes, you can hear the polar bears crying in the distance loud and clear but unluckily you only have two hands for ten cups of boba.

"Why boba all of a sudden ?" Minho looks up from his phone in boredom as Jeongin is utterly dying underneath, slapping his palm repeatedly against the floor in exhaustion.

Minho feels ( kinda ) bad for him and decides to roll himself over, setting Jeongin free from his miserable state. "Did you two go on a date or something ?" The youngest one's features morph into a frown, eyeing the two up and down in caution when he crosses his legs together.

You make an unimpressed face and glares at Jisung, who's currently hogging the entire black couch on his own. "Who the fuck would make their date carry everything then ? You tell me Jeongin."

Woojin stands up after craning his neck and shakes his head in disapproval. "My greatest disappointment, Han Jisung, would do that unfortunately." He walks over to Felix and Hyunjin to get himself a cup from the bag.

"Let's be honest, you'd still date him even if he does that anyway. I haven never seen any other girl who has the courage to personally rummage through his disastrous closet just to steal a hoodie." He takes a sip and smirks at the black hoodie that you're wearing. Woojin thinks you should definitely give yourself more credit because personally, he can't be bothered to step into Jisung's room, much less his closet.

You're still slightly confused for a moment there but quickly look down and almost gasp in realization. "I can explain—"

"Don't worry Y/N, if he ever mistreats you, you best believe that he's not gonna see tomorrow's daylight." Felix supplies unhelpfully over a mouthful of boba. Since when did he become such a nuisance ? But he's not entirely wrong because if no one volunteers to skin Jisung alive when he leaves you with a broken heart then Hyunjin will literally disown him. He doesn't care if it's legal or not because even a law student like Woojin would be on his side in this.

You hold up your hand defeatedly. "The jerk purposely left it on my couch back at the apartment. And Hyunjin didn't want to return nor wash it so I was obligated to do that myself. Eventually, the hoodie just ended up on a hanger right behind my bedroom door. Not to mention, I was running late earlier and had nothing to wear." You finish your sentence, realizing that your roommate has been giving you a 'wtf' face all his time.

"Out of reasons already ?" Chan chirps, raising a dark brow.

Okay.

In your defense, it's a goddamn good hoodie. The material is actually really nice that you might accidentally fall asleep if you wear this to class. You didn't mind the design on it either, kinda boyish but very funky, almost hippie looking. And last but not least, the smell of it is intoxicating, leaving you yearning for more. That's also equivalent to Jisung smells nice ( ew ) and your cheeks automatically heat up at the thought of feeling like he's hugging you whenever you wear it.

You frantically try to explain with expressive hands. "Look, guys—"

"You're going this Saturday !!" Jisung's voice suddenly booms behind your back as he declares loudly like it's the most worth-knowing thing in the whole wide world. The guys trade confused look with each other, not knowing what nonsense their friend is babbling about. Whatever, they don't have to either way. "You're going, you're going, you're going !"

You look over at Hyunjin's cup in disbelief, completely full and untouched. Meanwhile, Felix has already finished his drink in between the 15-minute conversation. You blinks and quickly comprehends the new amount of information, you lost the bet. Which means...

Screw midterms.

four.

Screw the music festival, you’re not going anywhere.

“How’s this ?” Hyunjin steps out from his room with a white dress shirt tucked inside his skinny jeans. And you hate him even more now because your roommate looks totally #boyfriendmaterial in every outfit that he’s been trying for the past half an hour. Really, Hyunjin should give himself more credit for his looks because you bet girls would still throw themselves at him even if he showed up to school looking homeless and all.

You look up from your phone in boredom. “Looks good to me.”

Upon your flat reply, Hyunjin shoots you a glare. “Good ? It only stops there at ‘good’ ? Then which item in my closet appeals to you as ‘spectacular’ or ‘breathtaking’ ? Should I just hire a personal stylist or something ?” He wants to snap at you but ends up whining like a elementary school kid that’s not allowed to drink his favorite soda from the vending machine.

“Dude, eat a chill pill.” You frown slightly at his particularly dramatic ass ( tsk, drama majors ) and decide to put your phone down. “You’re going to a music festival, at uni. Not attending some kind of award shows for celebrities.”

Hyunjin snickers before clicking his tongue. “And you’re planning on wearing that ?”

Your roommate is stressing himself over being overdressed for an event. You, on the other hand, haven’t even made up your mind about an outfit yet and your plus-one is picking you up in less than 30 minutes. And you’re still here, on the couch, in your pyjamas. Call it madness but personally, you wouldn’t mind wearing this to the music festival. Music is technically art in some kind of shape or form and only uncultured swines judge those who prefer being comfy over fashionable.

Come on, it’s art. Your pyjamas can express yourself in some sort of way right ?

“Stop shitting on my Mickey Mouse sweatpants as if it’s something straight out of the 1910s.” You protest, urging to throw the jar filled with gummy bear on the coffee table at his precious face. Mickey is definitely not going anywhere since you guys have been bonding since middle school.

Hyunjin pauses in the middle of his track going back into his room. Suddenly he turns around and smiles at you creepily. “It’s Jisung, isn’t it ?”

Yeah, no. Most definitely not. Still not him. Nuh uh. Okay… Maybe it’s because you don’t want to embarrass your plus-one because he’s also a total heartthrob. Maybe, it could be something about the fact that you’re afraid you’re not gonna look as good as your roommate. Or maybe it’s something inside the can of Redbull that you downed last night while rewatching the last episode of ‘Goblin’. You don’t even like Redbull.

Shit, you’re running out of excuses already.

“Actually, I was thinking that it’d be better if I didn’t show up.” You confess timidly, scared to meet Hyunjin’s confused expression.

When you gather enough courage to look up, he looks absolutely unimpressed and partially disappointed. “And you’re just gonna rain-check on Choi Yeonjun like that ? Changbin’s not letting this slide, I’ll tell you that.” He shakes his head in disapproval, this time turning on his heels to walk towards his bedroom door.

Something inside your stomach is tickling, as if it’s trying to tell you that you’re about to commit some kind of unforgivable sin if you don’t go to the festival. And just when you’re about to ignore it and wrap yourself up warmly on the L-shaped couch like the lazy bum that you are, your phone buzzes.

[ 4:24pm ]

yeonjun | I’ll be there in five.

five.

Only losers go to a music festival without a plus-one.

Hyunjin is one lucky bastard because Seungmin is tolerating his ass for the day. Meanwhile, Woojin is too busy pestering Felix to let him sneak into backstage looking for Changbin. And by now, everyone probably knows that Minho is secretly obsessed with Jeongin since he's decided to stick himself to the youngest like the spoiled parasite that he is. But that's not the point. Point is : you're terrible at navigation so you're obligated to get yourself a plus-one.

And he just happens to be Choi Yeonjun, that one business major who's secretly a dancer that left everyone's wig flying to Africa during last year's prom. You two have walked past each other before between periods and since he's an acquaintance of Changbin, he'd always wave back at you with the sweetest smile. You see him as a fun person to be around, kinda like a sunshine.

But what you didn't know is that, if your group of friend's chaotic energy is 3000, then Yeonjun alone is already on another level.

"Why the long face Y/N ? Enjoy the music, relax, let the night set you free !" Yeonjun chuckles at the frown on your face as he swings an arm over your shoulder. You can already tell that he's getting a bit tipsy from his tinted red cheeks and his breath smells like beer. Never knew the guy couldn't go heavy with his alcohol. Much like your roommate himself.

You peel the red plastic cup away from his hand to abandon it on some random table, dragging him away from the bar before his friend - Beomgyu, offers him some kind of sketchy looking drink. The kid is only a freshman and you feel like you should strangle the person who permitted him to be the bartender for the night.

"Alright, that's enough beer for you." You tell him mild-seriously, partially because you don't want him to end up knocked out in the middle of nowhere and partially because you can't contain someone who's drunk, not even yourself. "Let's find Soobin, I bet he's running around campus looking for your ass."

"What do you mean he's looking for my ass ? He's at home playing stupid boardgames with stupid Taehyun." Yeonjun slurs, shaking the haziness away furiously before fluttering his eyes upwards. "Look !" He squeals a little bit too loudly for anyone's liking. "It's your boyfriend !"

You abruptly put your index finger on his lips. "Shh shhh ! Han Jisung is not my boyfriend ! Watch your mouth, please, I beg." You hush him and glance around to look for any signs of Hyunjin or Felix popping out from a random bush to make fun of you. "We're barely friends, why would you think that we're dating ?!" You cry dramatically, cheeks burning with a bright shade of pink.

The blue haired boy makes a thinking face, which you think it's undeniably cute, before pointing towards the stage. "Because he's looking at you ?" He says cluelessly, giggling while clapping happily like a seal.

You unconsciously lift your head to eye the stage. Time seems to stop when you realize Jisung has been staring at you all this time. His expression is unfathomable. Your heart starts thundering loudly inside your rib cage, so loud that it overcomes the loud EDM music in the background, so loud that you're afraid he might hear it even when he's so far away.

In this light, in the middle of your chaos, there is Jisung. And he's absolutely otherworldly, radiant, dazzling, coruscating. Gosh, you can go on forever if your brain cells allow you to.

The moment he breaks eye contact, that's when you're pondering over who is it that your heart is beating for. Han Jisung ? Or is it just J.One ? Because you've seen Jisung as a total pest who never takes things seriously, who always makes you pay an extra ticket for his ride to uni, who spontaneously sends you derp pictures of him in the middle of a lecture. But no matter where you go, he would constantly pop up inside your mind out of nowhere. Like a phantom.

Suddenly, Chan's voice booms through the speaker, making you jump. "The performance of 3racha will be delayed due to technical errors. We apologize for this inconvenience." You stand there dumbly, blinking numerous times for his words to sink in. The question here isn't really 'what?' but 'why?'. 3racha take music very seriously and they're not the type to slack off any performances even if it's just for a school's small event.

You snap your head back to the stage, Chan and Changbin are talking to a technical staff, an apologetic smile blooming on their faces. But wait, where the fuck is Jisung ?

"Told ya !" Yeonjun hiccups into your ear. "What kind of non-boyfriend will cancel a performance just to come and see you like this ?" You should have gone with Hyunjin, you really should.. You bet he's not even half as drunk a Yeonjun right now since all Seungmin drinks is kombucha.

Unexpectedly, and also expectedly, you find yourself staring at Jisung, who's speed-walking towards your direction, like a complete dumbass. There's fire flickering at the back of his irises, burning intensely onto you. His brows are knitted together, his jacket hanging slightly over his shoulder, teasing you with a flash of his biceps. You also notice how the microphone is still there, in his hand.

Did he fucking leave the stage just to see you ?

Jisung breathes out a puff of smoke from the chilly air. "Y/N, got you."

Your heart actually feels like it’s hanging on the edges when your name rolls off his tongue so tenderly. "And you are ?" He looks over at Yeonjun with an almost disgusted expression, his hand instinctively reaching for yours. You don't blame him either way because Yeonjun looks like he just made it out of one of the world's most traumatizing lunatic asylum with shitty security. And Jisung wouldn't let you walk around with a crazy guy attached to you like a total creep. Not when he's monitoring.

“Y/N’s plus-one ?”

“Well that makes two of us.”

Yeonjun holds his hands up as if he's being held at gunpoint. "Easy, dude, I'm leaving. I'm leaving. She's all yours." He laughs, sounding almost too nervous to be true because Jisung is somewhat scary whenever someone gets on his bad side. Just ask Highschool Hyunjin.

"You're wasted as fuck, what makes you think that I'll let you go home alone like this ?" You say, flinching slightly when you feel Jisung tightens his grip on your hand. He cocks a brow as if he's testing you.

"Nah, I'm not going anywhere. Just gonna swing by the bar, Beomgyu probably came up with something to knock me out." Without a proper goodbye nor a hug like his normally playful self usually does, the blue haired boy turns on his heels to walk away from the scene. And you exhale deeply out of relief, not because you hated Yeonjun's company, you might actually hang out with him again. Just not where there's alcohol.

Jisung still hasn't let go of your hand yet, and surprisingly, you don't want him to. "I take that as you two aren't dating ?" He questions, studying your features more closely. You're really pretty, he thinks. Jisung has never once hesitant about using the word 'pretty' for you and he's not afraid to show it either. It's just that you never bothered to notice.

"No ? Hyunjin decided to ditch me for Seungmin and Yeonjun's a mutual friend through Changbin so we texted, and he picked me up after when Hyunjin left." You give him a weird look, confused by how pissed off he looks right now. "And I take that as you're jealous ?"

Jisung laughs humorously, his voice doused in dry sarcasm. "Huh, funny. Last time I checked, you were supposed to be backstage with me since you lost the bet, not clinging yourself onto some hot guy from Changbin's Biochem 101." Of course Jisung is pissed off. How could he not when you're all smiling and laughing with another guy, when he has an arm over your shoulder, holding you so lovingly, so tightly ? Another guy that's not him.

You widen your eyes at how ridiculous he sounds, almost in disbelief. "Excuse you ? Since when 'being backstage with you' was even a thing in our bet ?" Yeah, completely unheard of. "And I was not clinging onto him, I'll have you know that he chugged on a bottle of Hennie and ended up wobbling around like a fucking toddler !"

Your voice is getting louder and louder by the second, chest heaving up and down in anger because he is in fact, being extra insufferable tonight. You haven’t seen him acting like this since he officially declared cold war with Hyunjin back in junior year highschool.

"Oh yeah ? Then what ? You liked that ? It makes me sick to the stomach seeing you giggling at one of his stupid jokes. You seemed so fucking comfortable even when he's this close ?" Jisung tugs in your arm to pull you closer, his cool breath fanning your forehead. Your cheeks unknowingly feel hot, but you're not going to admit it to his face. "You're completely okay with this ?"

You grimace a stiff smile. "Of course I am." Oh boy were you wrong.

"Even now ?" He places his hands over your shoulder to bend down, angling his face so that the tip of his nose is brushing over yours. His gaze pierces right through you, leaving you completely stripped and vulnerable. And you hate every single part of this. You hate how you heart is swelling, how his touches burn like fire, how much effect he has on you with such minimal effort.

Jisung says with a devilish smirk blooming on his lips. "Hmm ? I don't know Y/N, you look pretty burnt up to me."

"It's because of the heat—" You instantly regret what you said when it starts to rain. Droplets of water repeatedly tap against your skin like clear champagne. A cloud shadows over you two and another splatter of rain comes along. Goosebumps rise on your skin at the cool sensation as your limbs lock themselves in place. Jisung has never broken eye contact with yours since then, specks of good and silver floating in his eyes like a brilliant explosion of a supernova.

Just when you thought your lips was gonna collide, something unexpected happens. Jisung takes off his jacket and swings it over your shoulders. He gently holds you by the waist as he hurries you inside, your gaze never once leaves his features. He's saying something but you can't quite catch it, it's hard to concentrate when he's being all affectionate and sweet to you like this.

You are far too busy telling your heart not to explode.

six.

Felix stomps over to your table and slams his tray of food down aggressively. Everyone peels their eyes off what they’re doing for the time being, throwing a weird look towards him. With a satisfied smile on his face, Felix drops his notebook onto the table. Changbin glances at him with an expressionless face, almost yawned in boredom. “And how did it go again ?” He drawls tiredly as if he has heard the same joke over and over for an entire week.

“You know that feeling when you feel like you’re completely detached from your own body and just stare at yourself from above ? I was up there, mind blank while my mouth couldn’t stop blabbering about what ever the fuck was on those slides. I ditched my Flashcards, completely untouched, 5 minutes has never flown by so quick. Boom, the professor didn’t even think twice about giving me an A.” Felix leans back on his chair comfortably after wrapping up his story.

Seungmin scrunches his nose at his friend. “Yeah sure, it’s an A. Big fucking deal.” Kim Seungmin basically has a full scholarship straight to college in the middle of his senior highschool year, you can say that he has the right to be unimpressed.

Minho shrugs indifferently, scrolling through his feed to kill some time. “It is for Yongbok apparently, give him a break. You know he hardly gets any when his brain only consists of Seo Changbin and Fortnite.”

Felix hisses at the older boy like a cat when you accidentally step on its tail, threatening to gouge out one of his eyes with the plastic fork on his hand. Minho being on his ass 24/7 just makes college that much more of a hellhole. He can’t help but roll his eyes in annoyance because no one is even trying to spare a ‘Good job’ or ‘Good for you’. He might actually need new friends, Felix ponders.

But wait, something’s missing.

Jisung didn’t even try to make fun of him. And he never missed a single chance to pester him or call him out every time he’s all giddy over good grades. In other words, his secret life as a potential nerd has been foiled thanks to Han Jisung. But apparently, girls find it hot when a nerd is secretly a dancer.

He looks over to his friend and frowns furiously. A hood thrown over his head, eyes glued to his laptop screen, Jisung looks extra antisocial today and Felix can feel something’s off because he would be jumping around, yelling into your ears by now, not making a PowerPoint presentation. “What’s wrong with you two ?” He asks, noticing how you’re also acting strange.

You’re mindlessly scrolling through Twitter, and stop abruptly at a new post from @j.one. It’s a picture of Jisung grinning while gripping on a microphone followed by a caption “Always have so much fun performing w/ my bros, @spearB & @cb97 - photo by @princehwang #SocialSaturday”.

You almost snickered, feeling the need to change it into “#TBT”. Not only because this photo was taken months ago for a summer music festival nearby Uni, but also because this bright side of Han Jisung no longer exists. He hardly talked to you since Saturday, ignored you when you made eye-contact with him on the hallways, didn’t even ask you to pay for his ride.

Basically, he’s making a fuss out of nothing. But you wouldn’t say that it feels good not having him call you ‘little cub’ 50 times a day or send you random messages during a lecture like ‘go out with me ?’. You never take them seriously anyway because he can’t like you just like that, right ? “Ask him, not me.” You raise a brow towards Jisung, earning a glare from him as a reply. “I’m not the one who’s being petty over me going to a music festival with Choi Yeonjun.”

Jisung sighs dramatically and shuts his laptop close. “Is that all you got ?” He inquires sarcastically as if he’s gonna set you on fire if you dare to try him.

“That’s what I said the first time we played Mario Kart together, isn’t it ? I totally kicked your ass, to the curb.”  You protest as the blood running through your veins slowly boils. If it weren’t for Hyunjin to hold your shoulders in place, you would have thrown hands at Jisung.

Jisung slams his hands onto the surface of the table harshly, almost knocked the whole table over. “Yeah, that’s why Chan never lets you drive because you’re exactly the reason for all of our wild turbulence. Because you suck at driving !”

You feel like you’re being held in a chokehold, literally and metaphorically because you can’t even drag Jisung down to the very bottom of Hell when you’re fully capable of doing that. Not before you kill him with your bare hands.

“I mean one of us had to have the guts to drive everyone back after a party where y’all got fucking wasted. College parties are so lit, they say. Who the fuck does three keg stands in a row just to run around the neighborhood shirtless later on ?!” You clatter loudly, earning a ‘wtf’ look from the students at the opposite table.

“Who wants another milkshake ? It’s on me.” Woojin interrupts the two of you, already pulling out his wallet in a rush.

Jisung’s ears automatically turn red, and you smirk at the sight of his pink cheeks upon both embarrassment and anger. “What did you just say ?”

“Ten milkshakes it is.” Chan drags Woojin out of his seat and the two of them helplessly walk towards the canteen cashier from across your table. He’s already given up, you can tell. Because if not, he would just personally hang Jisung upside down on a tree ( his natural habitat ) so that he can cool down before he said something he’d definitely regret later.

You push Hyunjin away and stand up right, staring at Jisung dead in the eye. “What’s wrong ? Cat got your tongue ?” Are you finally getting back at him ? Is this how victory taste like ?

“Say that again and I’m gonna— ugh ! Christ, I hate you !” Jisung sounds like he’s on the verge of exploding and you’re absolutely enjoying every single moment of this.

You mock him in amusement. “You’re gonna what ?”

“I’m gonna fucking kiss—“

Before Jisung could finish his sentence, Minho pulls his friend backwards and Jisung once again lands on his bottom, onto the wooden bench. “Okay, I don’t wanna ruin the heat but at least spare some of your sanity for the sake of publicity, yeah ? You know, if you guys wanna make out that bad, there’s always a restroom.”

Sanity ? For the sake of publicity ? Well, that changes everything. “WE’RE NOT GONNA MAKE OUT LEE MINHO YOU FUCKING BASTARD ! DON’T MAKE ME KNOCK KNOCK UPSIDE YOUR HEAD, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF SH-“ You’ve come to a decision that if Han Jisung doesn’t end up somewhere six feet under the ground, then Lee Minho - aka his best friend - is taking his bullet for today.

“Woah woah, Y/N, easy girl, easy.” Hyunjin holds you back with both hands. Okay, he gets why Jeongin doesn’t want to come over whenever you and Jisung are breathing in the same room now.

Jeongin scrunches his nose as he obnoxiously chews on his tuna sandwich. “Yeah, you guys need to cool down a little bit. You know, just chill out. That’s enough for your ‘friendly banter’, let the others enjoy their lunch in peace, will you ?”

You and Jisung continuously give each other death stares for the rest of your lunch break. Even when Chan and Woojin come rushing back with five cups of milkshakes each, even when it’s your favorite flavor in the entire world, it can never put out the fire of wrath that’s burning furiously deep inside. All you want to do is to have Han Jisung down on his knees and beg you for his life like how King Stefan did to Maleficent. The only difference is that Jisung actually doesn’t have a daughter.

Is that too much to ask for ?

seven.

[ 2:35pm ]

yeonjun | hey, I need to talk to you…

yeonjun | nearby café after school ? I can just wait if you’re getting out late.

You read the message on your way out of the lecture hall and widen your eyes. The hour displayed on your screen reads ‘3:45pm’. You immediately push your way through the crowd of sweaty students and run down the hallway like a psychopath. God, Yeonjun has been sitting alone at the café like a complete fool just because of you. Now you feel like a terrible human being.

“Woah, where are you going in such a hurry ?” Hyunjin yells at you loudly when you brush past him and Jeongin.

You hastily shout back at him before continuing to run. “Don’t wait for me ! Just spare me some left over !”

When you arrive at the café, you feel like you should give yourself a pat on the shoulder because you don't think you’ve ever run that fast before in your entire life. Not even for the marathon competitions during middle school.

And the café looks somewhat different today, something smells weird too, you notice. Then you realize that they just repainted the whole thing, replacing the old teal blue color into a warmer brownish color. The walls and windows are decorated with fairy lights, like a cherry on a sundae, it’s perfect for the upcoming winter break. Because students aren’t just gonna come here for the caffeine, they’re gonna hog this place for themselves sooner or later to get at least one aesthetic photo for the holiday.

You quickly spot Yeonjun sitting alone in the color while having his headphones on, slowly dozing off to the music. His cup of iced macchiato remains untouched with water dipping on the sides. A pang of guilt hits you almost instantly when you start walking towards his direction. As you sit down on the opposite seat, Yeonjun suddenly startles and shakes his sleepiness away.

“Hey, I’m so sorry, my phone was off all day.” You say with an apologetic smile on your face, feeling the guilt keeps piling onto your shoulders. “You could just leave or something, I wouldn’t be mad.”

Yeonjun removes his headphones and laughs slightly, scratching the nape of his neck. “It’s fine,” He waves his hands at you to tell you that everything’s okay. “I really need that short nap after all. God, I was dreading my neuroscience assignment all day. But hey, I really need to talk to you, that’s why I was so determined to wait.”

“Don’t even, Yeonjun. You could have just gone home and rest.” You shake your head at him in defeat. You swear to God, he’s too kind. “What’s so important that you wanted to talk to me so badly ?” You ask while flipping through the menu. The weather has been pretty chilly lately, it might be nice to have a hot chocolate.

Yeonjun’s ears turn red at your words and he starts to dart his eyes around, scared to meet your eyes. “I— uhm, look, I just—“ He stammers with tinted pink cheeks, which you find ridiculously adorable. “I just wanted to say sorry for what happened on Saturday.” He manages to squeak out and you have to hold back the urge to laugh. “I shouldn't have drunk that much beer, right ? You should feel lucky that I left you with your boyfriend because I may or may not have thrown up all over Beomgyu. He almost kicked me off a cliff, I’m not overexaggerating, I swear.”

That’s not true. Yeonjun should be the one who needs to feel lucky because not only didn’t Beomgyu leave him on some random sidewalks, he personally called Taehyun to bring him extra clothes and had an Uber to get them three back home before midnight. He knows Beomgyu is too utterly soft for him to murder him in his sleep anyway.

You smile at him before waving the waiter boy over to punch in your order. “Choi Yeonjun, it’s fine, really. You’re so much fun to hang around. But next time, no more beer for you, get it ?” Upon your teasing, he lets out a nervous chuckle. And little did you know, he’s planning on telling you something much, much more horrendous. “And how many times do I need to tell you that Jisung is not my boyfriend ?”

“Just not yet.” He corrects you, and you’re stuck between the ideas of strangling Han Jisung and throwing Choi Yeonjun off a cliff. Or maybe both. “You guys caused quite the scene during lunch break. You two bickered like an old married couple. Not to mention, you’ve probably ended up on everyone’s social medial by now.”

Your eyes widen in terror. A tape of you, and Han Jisung yelling at each other at the top of your lungs is on the Internet. Since a young age, you’ve come to realize that nothing on the internet ever really goes away. And that thought scares you shitless. Great, now everyone will think of you two as that one loud couple who always argue over stupid things. “I’m so fucking screwed— give me a sec, someone’s texting me.”

[ 4:12 pm ]

han | where are you ?

y/n | why would that matter ?

han | you’re on a date right ? with him.

y/n | han jisung are you watching me ? wtf you creep !?

[ 4:13pm ]

han | do you like him ?

han | just answer me honestly for once.

y/n | so you ARE jealous. hah, busted.

But wait, why would he be jealous ? That makes no sense.

[ 4:14pm ]

han | so what if i’m jealous ?

Your heart stops as a small ‘huh?’ escapes your lips. Yeonjun looks at you with a confused expression, almost develops a mild interest in what made you so flustered. But he guessed it either way because it’s too obvious who’s the only person that has this kind of effect on you.

han | i was the one who asked you out first, it’s not fair !

y/n | ...

y/n | hey, are you drunk ?

[ 4:15pm ]

han | i’m as sober as i can be, enjoy your pretty little date y/n.

When everything’s already a mess, when you’re at a loss for words, Hyunjin’s abrupt call is something else more than just fuel to the fire. “Y/N ! Have you seen Jisung ?” Your roommate sounds alarmed on the other end and your stomach automatically twists into a knot.

“No, I haven’t seen him since lunch… why ?” The uneasy feeling has been ghosting your gut since you received the questionable texts from Jisung, and you’re afraid to hear what Hyunjin’s gonna say next. “What’s wrong ? What happened to him ?” You bombard him with questions after questions, fiddling your fingers nervously in fear.

Yeonjun quickly senses something’s off and reaches his hand outwards. He places his hand over yours gently, rubbing little circles to remind you to calm down. There are a thousand bad scenarios running through your mind like lightning of what could have happened to Jisung. What if he’s about to do something stupid ? What if he’s hurting, and no one ever asked ? What if… it’s all because of you ?

“Hyunjin, just fucking answer me !” You almost snapped, finding the silence on the other line extremely disturbing.

He replies breathlessly, as if he’s already given up. “He’s gone.”

“What do you mean he’s gone ?” You can’t believe your own ears at this point.

Hyunjin sounds like he’s about to have a mental breakdown. “Changbin said he hadn’t been home when his shift was supposed to end at 3. Chan said he wasn’t on campus either, nor the band room. We’ve checked everywhere, not his house, not the usual boba place, not even his favorite get-away spots. He ran away, Y/N, no one knows why. And I’m scared..” Your heart instantly drops to the pit of your stomach.

Not even his favorite get-away spots.. We’ve checked everywhere.

But Jisung would never tell them about all of his get-away spots.

eight.

Jisung unlocks his phone and sees several missed calls from his group of friends along with endless texts but his eyes only linger on some particular ones.

[ 7:23pm ]

y/n | can we just talk this out ?

y/n | this is so fucking childish of you.

y/n | I don’t care if you want to kick me out of your life.

y/n | I’m coming for you.

Jisung doesn’t know whether he should be crying or laughing. Basically, he’s emotionally restrained.

Because apparently, life is preposterous. One moment you’re laughing while being pissed off when he annoys the heck out of you. Then later you would ditch him to have yourself wrapped around another guy’s arms. Hours ago, you were on the edge of pushing his limits into the unknown and now you’re being all concerned and worried about him. He feels mildly exasperated partially because you’re playing with his heart, and partially because he allows you to do that.

He has been watching you from behind all this time. He always has so much on his mind that keeps him awake at nights but never really knows how to convey his feelings for you into words. Maybe that’s why J.One can only write love songs in vain. So being the genius person that he is, he thought ( and still think ) that the only way to approach you was to make fun of you. He can only call you questionable nicknames all day because he doesn’t have the heart to actually call you ‘babe’ in a genuine way. He would always end up spitting out something less than appropriate or stick his nose into your business because he can never fathom the courage to say a simple ‘I love you’. Yes, Jisung knows that he’s a coward for making such excuses but the thought of putting his heart into someone else’s hand scares him shitless. Not that he has never gone through a heartbreak before but the scars never really go away.

Honestly, Jisung has never thought that he would end up liking you this much. He still vividly remembers the day that you two met for the first time. It was freshman year highschool, he got signed up for a role in the drama club at the time being thanks to Hyunjin and suddenly he saw you sitting alone in a corner, struggling over a piece of prop for the set. 

Even when it’s the awkward phase, you took his breath right away like ‘whoosh’, leaving him utterly speechless when your eyes collide.  From then on, you’re the ‘nothing’ that people ask him about whenever he looks like he’s spacing out. You’re the only thing that keeps lingering in his mind, impossible to forget. He finally understands why people are always so giddy about their crush because once you like someone, everything changes. Like how your smile seems to be even brighter than the Sun, how your goofy laugh feels like music to his ears, or how every little thing that you do affects him way too damn much. Woah, he understands why his group of friends said that he’s so whipped for you now.

Jisung doesn’t know what to think or what to feel anymore. He really doesn’t. He hates how you keep switching between ‘the Y/N who hates Jisung with passion’ and ‘the Y/N who genuinely worries about Jisung’. It drives him nuts not knowing how you really feel about him. Jisung swipes his index finger upwards and presses the ‘Airplane Mode’ button from the Control Center settings. He can’t afford having Chan or Minho screaming directly at his ears after when he ran away like that. Maybe he is childish after all.

“Han Jisung !”

Jisung snaps his head backwards to find you standing there, disheveled hair, hands supporting on your knees with a glint of fierceness in your eyes. With the dim source of light from the Moon, you’re glowing under all of the sentimental glory that leaves him completely flustered. He’s really predictable, he thinks. Of course you’d know that he would end up choosing the park where he used to hang out with Seungmin since kindergarten. It’s also where he bawled his eyes out after his first breakup, having you rub little circles on his back and tell him that everything’s gonna be alright.

“What are you doing here ?” He asks soullessly although his heart his yelling at him to fall into your embrace.

“I told you, didn’t I ?” You say, breaths growing more even by the seconds. “I’m coming for you, I don’t care if you’re gonna kick me out of your life because I’m not allowing that.”

Jisung snickers, clicking his tongue in annoyance. “You rain-checked on Choi Yeonjun just like that ? Aren’t you afraid that he’s gonna break up with you tomorrow after finding you that you’re rummaging through the entire city to look for me, an absolute bastard who never leaves well enough alone ?”

You shoot him a stern look, brows slightly furrowed. “You didn’t let me finish, how rude. I’m trying to prove a point, don’t you see ? If I really didn’t give two fucks about you then why would I be here ? If I was really dating Choi Yeonjun then I could have just stayed at home and cuddled with him until Hyunjin kicked him out of our apartment. It’s been almost three hours, Jisung. Three fucking hours. I was running from place to place like a psychopath, got lost on some random streets, just to find you. Yes, just for you.”

He squints his eyes at you skeptically. “And your point is ?”

“I care about you.” You don’t even need to consider anything at this point and that has Jisung’s jaw dropped to the ground. “I could never hate you, even if I do, I can’t hate you for the rest of my life for my own good. Even when you call me ‘little cub’ fifty times a day, even when you make me pay for your ride, even when we almost threw hands at each other during lunch break, my feelings for you never change. Not even one bit.” You state confidently, taking long strides towards him.

Jisung looks at you with a blank expression, his lips pressed into a thin line. “I don’t know Y/N. You’re a fucking hot mess. For all I know, you second-guessed most of your decisions in life. What if you decided to pull—“ That’s it, you’re not enduring his ‘what if’-s bullshit any longer.

Without a word, you grab Jisung by the collar and pull him flush against you. When your lips collide with his, it feels like you’re being sent to the Moon and back continuously. Sparks of joy, lust, and mixed emotions ignite inside his heart when you trace your tongue over his then it explodes like a firework that lights up the eerie darkness effortlessly. Jisung slowly gives in and melts into the kiss, his hands snaking around your waist to hold you closer, feeling your warmth radiating off on his flannels. You’re the first one to pull away, hands trailing behind the nape of his neck.  “I can say that giving away my first kiss is enough to prove that the only thing I’ve never second-guessed was liking you.” You say breathlessly, trying to ignore the rouge on your cheeks. 

“I am your first kiss ?” He widens his eyes slightly.

You scoff at him while trying to act casual. “Be grateful at least you brat.” Jisung chuckles softly at you, slightly taken aback at your bold action as the feeling of your lips on his chills him to the bones. “Point taken.” At that moment, you quickly realize how his warm brown eyes hold their own galaxy with the stars shining so brightly that makes your heart swell. At that moment, you also realize that Jisung is your Sun because his smile alone can light up the whole celestial sphere. Meanwhile you’re his Moon because no matter what happens, you’ll always be here to brighten him up on the darkest of days.

And you both know that as long as you have each other, you will forever be radiant.

[anarcoqueer1994]

First Date

(Note this is chapter two of a fic I wrote during the hiatus. If you want to read the whole thing, the link to my AO3 is in bio. The only background you may need to know for this is that TJ and Cyrus are dating and haven't told anyone. Also Kira is being terrible)

Cyrus Goodman had asked TJ Kippen to be his boyfriend one month ago today .

TJ still could not believe it. Cyrus was everything he has ever wanted. He was sweet, smart, cute, and he cared for TJ in a way no one has before. But TJ would be lying if he said this month hasn’t been an emotional trip. On one hand, things with Cyrus have never been better. In public, it seemed like their "friendship" was just as strong as it has always been. The only difference being that both boys seemed more aware of their own bodies.

They were more self conscious of all the little touches that come so natural for them. They would notice their arms swinging too close together, their hands lingering a little too long when they would touch, and even their eyes staring at the other boy. This used to seem so normal for them, but now that they were dating, it became almost scary to do these things. Both of them were not ready to come out. The only people that knew Cyrus was gay were Andi, Jonah, Buffy, and obviously, TJ. For TJ it was even less, as the only people that knew were Cyrus and TJ’s older sister, Amber. And absolutely nobody knew that they were dating.

After what Kira started, neither one of them wanted to accidentally out each other by acting like more than friends. That’s why their little touches and lingering eyes became such an issue. Kira could obviously tell how the boys felt about each other within moments of hearing them interact with one another. What if others could tell too?  They decided that the best thing they could do to keep their secret was to place boundaries between them when they are with other people.

On top of this, Kira is also not letting up on TJ. She is constantly trying to get into TJ’s head. The coach told her that since there is girl’s team, she cannot be on the boy’s team. So now instead of putting her energy towards getting on the team, she is focusing all her time on tormenting him. She will wait for him to be alone and remind him that he is different. She will sometimes bring up how weird it is that he and Cyrus are so close. She would do little things to hurt him. Anything she does in front of others is so subtle, that others don't notice. For example she brings up cute girls while talking to him around other students, and puts him in awkward situations. For a random onlooker, it would look like small talk, but TJ knows she is doing it to get a rise out of him. He doesn't know why she enjoys making him feel bad. The one upside is that Kira has no proof that he and Cyrus are together, so for now at least, his bullying is private. TJ prefers that to the whole school knowing.

He doesn't tell Cyrus that Kira is still bothering him either. TJ does not want  him to worry. Besides Cyrus had his own things to deal with. For one, since they haven't told the GHC(+Jonah), that they are dating, they could not really explain what led to them being friends again. He could feel their glares whenever he would hangout. Part of him gets it though. To them, he was a jerk who keeps letting down their best friend. But nevertheless, Cyrus is now stuck in the middle. He has to keep their secret while defending TJ. Cyrus wanted his boyfriend to be able to hangout with his friends without them hating him, even if they did not know that they are dating. TJ kind of felt guilty for putting Cyrus in this situation in the first place by ever giving them a reason to be mad.

Despite all of this trouble, TJ would not trade this past month for anything. No matter what was happening with other people, when they were alone, it made it all worth it. Sometimes they would escape to the swings, and just spend hours talking, and if they were sure no one was watching, they would steal gentle kisses. Sometimes, they would take over TJ's apartment when both his parents and sister were at work. They would cuddle on the futon in the living room and binge TV shows together. It really didn't matter where they were, as long as they were alone together, it was like they were the only people who existed.

Cyrus really did make him the happiest he has ever been. His beautiful, dorky boyfriend always knew the right thing to say to make him feel like he really mattered. That is why today, on their one month anniversary, he wants to make Cyrus as happy as Cyrus makes him feel everyday. It is a Saturday but he put the first part of his plan into action the day prior.

************

Yesterday had been a particularly hard day for him. Kira was in his math class. Usually she ignored him and waited until after to torment him but that day she started at him early. She had sat behind him. They were assigned some in class problems to do. She was pretty good at math and wanted him to feel even worse. Whenever she noticed he was struggling, she would say stuff like “Only an idiot could mess up this problem” and “Wow these are so easy!” She would only say it loud enough for him to hear.He had been working so hard in math and she was able to dash any confidence he may have felt about being able to do a problem. He ended up losing his temper, crumbling up his paper, and turning in nothing. He could not even look at Coleman as he left.

He had walked home with Cyrus, Buffy, Andi, Marty, and Jonah. Cyrus’ friends didn’t help his mood, but to not worry Cyrus, he pretended to be oblivious.  He could tell the others did not want him there but Cyrus kept smiling at him with his big brown eyes glowing, so he could ignore the annoyed looks. Eventually everyone broke off heading to their respective homes, leaving him to walk with Cyrus the rest of the way to Cyrus’ stepmom’s house. As they stepped onto the porch, TJ nervously smiled.

“What is it, Teej? “ Cyrus said as he swung his hand up gently to take TJ’s as they stood across from each other. Both boys instinctively looked around to make sure no one was watching.

“Nothing, Muffin.” He noted the way Cyrus still blushed when he called him that. He liked that he had that effect on the guy that he cared so much for. “I am so happy whenever I am around you.So…” He let his words han in the air for a moment. ‘I was wondering if you would go on a date with me, tomorrow?”

“Like a real date?” Cyrus furrowed his brow in a way that makes TJ swoon every time. Cyrus’ voice though was unsure as he continued. “Aren’t dates out in the public? What if someone sees us?”

“Don’t worry, I have that covered, just be at the bus stop on Main Street at 9am tomorrow, “ TJ saw the look of curiosity in Cyrus eyes as they've stared at each other. “It is going to be a surprise, I know you are going to love it.”

Cyrus smiled and nodded. “Alright I trust you. I have to head in. See you tomorrow?”

“Yea, tomorrow." TJ grinned like an idiot, before placing a light kiss on top of Cyrus’ head, and turning to walk away.

************

The big city nearest to them was about a 30 minute bus ride from Shadyside. That is why TJ asked Cyrus to meet him here at the bus stop.  Cyrus had gotten there at 9am sharp, to find TJ waiting on the bench. He took a seat next to his boyfriend, careful not to sit too close in case someone was watching. TJ turned his head and smiled at the other boy.

"Hey Underdog," He lowers his voice. "Happy one month of officially being us."

Cyrus liked the way that TJ remembered something as small as a one month anniversary. He loved that TJ wanted to make today special for him. He whispers "Happy Anniversary Not-So-Scary Basketball Guy."

Both boys sat in a comfortable silence as they waited for the bus. TJ knew Cyrus wanted to ask where they were going but both boys knew TJ wasn’t going to budge. All he wanted to do was surprise Cyrus with the best date ever. When the bus pulled up to the stop, both boys got on with TJ paying both their fares. He had saved all his money from the gym(he only worked 12 hours a week) the past month to pay for this date. Cyrus was usually picking up the tab because he knew the Kippen family wasn’t nearly as well off as him. But today TJ wanted to handle everything.

As they took their seats in the back, TJ slid into the window seat. He looked out the window and noticed clouds overtaking the sun. Great, rain . He thought sarcastically. He thought about what else may come if it storms. He was a little nervous, but brushed it off. He turned to Cyrus, who was smiling obliviously, and said "There goes that sunny day."

"It is okay, as long as I am with you, it doesn't matter. Today will be great." With that, TJ melted. Cyrus always knew what to say to make him feel better.

************

When they got out the city, it was still so cloudy. It looked like it would storm any moment. TJ pleads with the weather quietly to hold off until they get to where they are going. The bus stop is a block away from where are heading. No one knows them here and TJ is excited to actually go on a real date with Cyrus. He smiles at the shorter boy as they step off the bus. As they stand on the crowded sidewalk, TJ takes Cyrus' hand. He stares for a moment to make sure it is okay. When Cyrus does not pull away, TJ takes that as a hint to start walking. Both boys felt a little braver out here where no one knew them.

TJ pulls Cyrus down the street, weaving in and around people coming towards them. As they get closer to the mystery place, TJ gets more excited, and by the look on Cyrus' face, he feels the same. After a few minutes, the place comes into view. TJ stops at the bottom of a large set of steps. Cyrus' eyes grow large as he looks up at the building before them; The Natural History Museum.

Teej! Really?! I love this place. I haven't been here in years." His eyes light up as he gets more excited. "You are amazing."

"I'm glad you are happy. I figured you could show me all your favorite dinosaurs." TJ smiles softly. "Let's go." TJ pulls him up the stairs. He pulls the tickets out of pocket and hands them to the man near the door.

As they enter the museum, they are immediately surrounded by large skeletons of animals that long been dead. TJ doesn't think he has ever seen Cyrus look so excited. He begins to talk about all the different types of dinosaurs, and the time periods, and everything else that at one point TJ wouldn't of cared about. He is pretty sure Cyrus could make him care about anything.

They wander around the museum for about an hour. Rain had steadily started hitting the rooftop,  the small droplets working together to echo through the museum. It was raining pretty heavy now, and TJ silently began to get nervous again of what will come next. Cyrus noticed the tension in TJ's face and stopped talking about the Allosaurus skeleton they were staring at.

"What is it?" He said quietly to the slightly older boy.

"Nothing..." He lies. Right as the word leaves his mouth, a loud burst of thunder sounds, shaking the museum. TJ instinctively clenches his eyes shut and squeezes Cyrus' hand harder than intended. His cheeks turn red as he notices Cyrus staring.

"I'm sorry..." he whispers, almost too quiet to hear. TJ looks away while still holding Cyrus' hand. Another burst of thunder sounds, making TJ tense again.

"Teej" Cyrus reaches up to his face to get him to turn his head. When he sees TJ's eyes, he recognize fear in his beautiful green eyes. He hates to see his boyfriend afraid. "Are you afraid of thunder?"

TJ looks embarrassed. He can't bring his mouth to form the words he wants to say. He knows Cyrus won’t judge him for something like this. But he is not used to being the one with irrational fears. He wishes he wouldn’t wince every time the thunder boomed. He can’t help it. He has been afraid of thunder for as long as he can remember. He doesn't know what about it makes him feel so helpless. Most of the time, he finds himself hiding under his covers with his eyes shut, waiting for the storm to end. But he can’t do that now. All he can do is try and put on a brave face and ride it out.

Cyrus interrupts his thoughts. “It's okay to be afraid, you know?” His voice is soft and understanding. “I’m afraid of a whole lot of things. Remember the flamingos? That is way weirder” He laughs trying to cheer TJ up. TJ wishes Cyrus wouldn’t put himself down, though. This day was supposed to be all about Cyrus, but here he was trying to make TJ feel better. TJ felt a little bad about that but could not focus on that very long.

The thunder hits again, this time even louder. The storm must be pretty bad. TJ wishes he could disappear so Cyrus wouldn't see him like this. He was supposed to be the cool, fearless jock but right now he felt like a wimp. He wanted to always be brave in front of his boyfriend. Cyrus doesn't seem to care though. He is only concerned with being there for TJ.

Cyrus runs his thumb soothingly over the TJ's strained knuckles. He whispers "I have an idea…", before pulling TJ to a little bench off to side of one of the large skeletons. He pulls out a pair of earbuds from his pocket and plugs them into the jack in his phone. Cyrus flips through his Spotify with his free hand as TJ sits apprehensively by his side, squeezing his hand with every boom from outside. Cyrus settles on a playlist called "Songs That Make Me Think of TJ".  TJ sees the name, and for a moment he smiles, before the thunder outside reminded him of its presence.

"Put these on, sweetie." Cyrus says quietly, careful not to draw attention to them. He would hate to embarrass TJ. He knows the other boy is feeling self-conscious about his fear. TJ takes the earbuds and puts them in his ears. TJ trusts Cyrus more than anyone in the world, so he will do whatever Cyrus says. With that, Cyrus hits play and turns the volume all the way up. He takes his other arm out of TJ’s hand and wraps it instead around TJ's waist pulling him close to him, and holding tight like he will never let go.

The loud, bubbly music blocks out  a lot of the noise from the thunder. Cyrus’ arm wrapped around him, pulling him impossibly close, gives him something else to think about.They sit their for a while. Though the museum is full of people, it feels like they are alone there. His heartbeat is still crazy fast, but the reason is much different now.It was no longer pounding because of fear. Instead it is fluttering from the nerves he feels because of Cyrus. He feels so lucky to have him in his life. He blushes as he listens to the songs that he know Cyrus picked out for him.

What he doesn’t notice, is how happy Cyrus seems to be because of him. Cyrus is just staring at  him, smiling as he holds the taller boy against him. Cyrus hopes that TJ knows that this relationship is not one sided. TJ truly makes him happy. That’s why he was so worried when TJ was scared. He never wants fear to cloud over those soft, green eyes. He will personally fight away any fear for his boyfriend.

After about forty minutes, the storm has seemed to pass. TJ had taken to leaning his head against Cyrus’ shoulder, even if some slouching was involved to get into that position. Cyrus almost hates to end this but know TJ has other plans for them. He softly shakes TJ o get his attention. The boy takes out the earbuds and sits up. Cyrus grins and says “The storm is over, how are you feeling?”

“Much better…” He blushes and looks at the ground. “Thank you...for..um...making me feel safe.” TJ internally rolls his eyes at his own words. Why did he say that out loud. He sounded so weak.

“No need to thank me. What are boyfriends for, right?”  Cyrus’ smile could light up the entire room.

“Right.” TJ really can’t understand how Cyrus manages to make him feel so great, even when he wants to feel bad about himself. He thought about telling Cyrus about what was going on at school. He decided against it though. He already made too much of this date about himself. He stands up, and grabs Cyrus hand again. “Let’s get back to these dinosaurs. There are so many you still have not told me about.”

************

After spending a few more hours at the museum, the boys headed to a restaurant around the corner and had lunch. They strolled through the city for a bit before realizing it was close to 5 and that they should be at least heading back to their town. On the bus ride back, Cyrus rested his head on TJ’s shoulder. Usually Cyrus would be worried about this but today he was feeling a little braver than usual.

TJ walked Cyrus home after they got off the bus. Cyrus’ street seemed vacant when they turned onto it, so they risked locking their pinkies together as they walked. TJ felt like he was on top of the world. Even with the thunder earlier, today had felt like the perfect day. He kept shooting glances over at Cyrus, taking in every detail. He memorized the way Cyrus looked right now with the late day sun shining through the trees onto him. He almost looked angelic, like he was too good to be a mere human.

Without thinking, TJ stops and cups Cyrus’ cheek, making it so they are staring at each other. He just needed to get a better look. TJ surveyed every part of the shorter boy’s face. It was like everytime he looks, he finds something else to love about it. He felt like the brown eyes staring back at him could peer into his very soul. The boys stay frozen in this stance until they hear a soft rustle of some bushes. They both immediately retract from each other, and look around. Neither of them see anyone, but they keep their distance the rest of the walk home, just in case. TJ silently beats himself up for slipping like that. He can’t be so careless.

As they step up onto Cyrus’ front porch, they can finally breathe again. They are covered by a large tree in his front yard that blocks parts of the porch. “Thank you for a wonderful time today, Teej.” Cyrus smiles.

“I should be thanking you, You really came through for me today.” TJ used this as opportunity to show Cyrus how thankful he really was. He leans in and brushes his lips against Cyrus, waiting for permission to deepen the kiss. Cyrus responds by pulling him closer, pushing their lips together more. They eventually had to come up for air, and pulled apart.

“Wow, I don’t think I am ever going to stop being nervous when you do that.” Cyrus said blissfully.

“Right back at you, Underdog.”

[zilllionjape]

Jape’s Monday (Not) Funday 12/9/19

Last week was something else! Last week was super, duper, mega, super fun! So many noteworthy moments of that week! Loved it!

The week started with a normal Monday and the work day started at 12PM and ended at 8PM. It was a pretty normal workday. Nothing too noteworthy. I tried using ExpressVPN for the first time and it cosy me over a hundred bucks. Thank god there’s money back guarantee, but due to that fact I’m never ever using ExpressVPN again.

On Tuesday it was a time for morning shift! 7:30AM I started the day and ended the day at 6PM! There wasn’t that much noteworthy stuff here, unlike Monday for example. I had fun though! This was a super fun week! And that means my workdays were too!

Wednesday was just a day where I was generally very busy with work. I started at 12PM and ended at 8PM. It was almost a nonstop day with of course one break in-between. First so much office work, and then the night started and my god did it make me tired. I was so tired by the end of the day that I just wanted to drop on my bed and talk to my fiancé on phone and that’s exactly what happened. Also was very happy with how the day turned out to be, how productivw I was. I took a shower later on.

Then we get to Thursday and this day was amazing! It was a workday from 9AM to 2PM. This was a typical work day you’d expect. Just a meeting and food and stuff. Then came our coworkers little party at 4PM (I arrived shortly after 5) and I thought I was gonna be left out or something (this was also maybe the reason why I didn’t fall asleep during Wednesday-Thursday night) and wouldn’t have fun. The exact opposite happened. Just had tons of fun and I don’t remember when I was laughing this much with people. This was an amazing day and just keeps me going even more that I wanna stay and work in this place and my plans aren’t changing in the upcoming months. Then the clock hit 10PM and we had to leave (the room was rented for 10PM) and went to a bar. There I was like an hour, maybe under seeing as a lot of people just went on their own, so I kind of lost interest. Plus, I haven’t really been into bars for like over a year now. Also I wanted to see my fiancé who had arrived home this week on Thursday already. So I go with a bus and I’m completelly drunk and I feel like I’m super annoying, but according to him I was super cute. After we get home, I immediately undress and almost immediately fall asleep. That was my Thursday.

Friday hits like a rock and so does a hangover. But mu fiancé helps me wake up and helps me and buys us a pizza! Thank you soop much! He also had bought soda and chipa! Goddammit I love you! Then we watched WWE Starrcade which was a super fun show (I don’t know why, seeing as there wasn’t really any memorable matches from there). Then we had to go to celebrate my fiancé’s mothers birthday. It was fun and hurtful at times, because at points or another (this is a loud family, keep that in mind) my head hurted a small amount. But we got free treats and cake and everything so that was a win!

This wasn’t over though this week. After we got home, we watched RAW and went to sleep. On Saturday, I had to be at work from 11AM to 12PM then had to return back for work at 5PM to pretty much 5:30PM. That sucked ass. But we watched WWE NXT, NXT UK, SmackDown and 205 Live together that day. Yes we love WWE content! Still have WWE 24 and Total Divas to watch by myself!

On Sunday we finished You vs. Wild show and that is one of the funniest things we’ve seen ever or watched together. Just stupid ass random shit ever.

So that was my week! Lot of text but who cares! I hope to put some photo here too.

That’s a photo of me! From the Thursday party with co-workers!

[samanthaknopper-blog]

Salkantay Trek / Rainbow Mountain After Thoughts

I was going to make a video but basically since i have been back in Colombia i have been extremely tired and then i got the flu. I haven’t really had much of a voice for 3 days and it still isn’t great, and i often have coughing fits so i give up lol and will just go back to the old school typing way. 

So... Salkantay Trek to Machu Picchu 

1st.... It was the most difficult thing i have done ... ever. And yes for the people that know...I did walk the Camino de Santiago which took me around 3 weeks across ~500km. The Camino was hard and i was in pain every single day. Salkantay was a whole different game. The high altitude really effected my muscle stamina especially on the up hill stints. I was always at the back of the pack. 

* guess i should explain the pack i was in. There was 10 of us ( well level with the guide) 2 women from USA,  A couple form Denmark, a couple and another guy from The Netherlands, A woman from England, A guy from Australia and me and our Guide, Wayna. I was the 2nd oldest. Most of the were on the good side of 25 years old :/  

Ok back to it. 

So i was always at the back going up hill, especially, when it was on a super steep incline. The others just seemed to not slow down at all and not be effected by the lack of oxygen 4000+ meters above sea level. I would try to keep up with them but they just powered ahead. I would arrive 5 mins or more after them at stopping points dripping in sweat and they would be all laughing away eating snack looking like that were on a stroll in a park. Super helpful in the endless mental battle that is hiking. 

When we went down hill i was usually in the middle of the pack, i could descend faster then some. It became quite painful going down hill as it was pretty steep and my knees were taking a hammering. But i can push through pain ( thanks to the camino) doesn’t really stop me much. Also, the help of gravity pulling me down was awesome. On flat ground i was usually at the front, but i was having to really walk super fast. I didn’t really enjoy the group speed. They were trying to break some sort of time record for completing each day. Every day Wayna would give us an estimate of how long it usually takes groups to finish the section and they would be like we can do it in half. I definitely am a slow walker and prefer to plod along at my own pace then be forced to rush at a super fast pace. I could barely even enjoy the view of where we were as i was so worried about my feet placement (especially downhill) and i would have to risk stopping to look around and enjoy it or take a photo and then try to walk faster to make up for the lost time of stopping.  

I won’t go into the specific of the hike like for each day. The food was pretty good, and they fed us really well. I got alone well with pretty much everyone, but like didn’t really connect with anyone specifically. My shared a room every night with the chick from England and we chatted nicely at night, but it didn’t turn into some amazing connection through a hard experience, because i feel like she skipped up the mountain lol. I don’t generally think of myself as an unfit person, because generally my every day life is fairly active. However, my lifestyle in colombia is prettt sedentary. Just because I don’t have money to go places, i dont feel super safe just walking around the neighbourhood and my apartment is so small everything is with 10ms of my bed. On a good day i can maybe get 5000 steps if i purposely go out of my way to do more steps, but normal is around 2500 steps. Compare that to the, on average ,35,000 steps a day i was doing on the hike it was a big jump. That could be a major factor to while i was struggling a lot. I was exercising 30 mins 3-4 times a week to increase my heart fitness but obviously the step count matters more. I also think the basically lifestyle of the Danish and Dutch people gave them a huge advantage. They all rode their bikes to work everyday. Just the leg strength would have been extremely helpful. Advantage Europeans. 

Anyways, when We finished my knees were so done especially after the 2000+ steps to get up to machu picchu and then walk around the city. It was super impressive and i dont know how the heck they can build stuff like that back when there was no real machines helping. I would not want to lug rocks up there. 

There are 2 mountain options that you can climb to get like a more overall view of the city. One is a shorter, scarier walk that takes 45 mins and the other is like 2 hours up and 2 hours down. You have to pay extra.... but you have to pay like months in advance. No one mentioned that maybe you will be tired or have sore knees after the 5 day walk... and so most of us had purchased the extra ( including me) but not one of us did it. Everyones’ knees were done and couldn’t not mentally fathom walking up a mountain purely to get a better view of the ruins. Now,  that i think of it... i don’t know why i wanted to do that. it was only $USD 25 so not a huge loss to take. 

Most of us took the bus back down from the mountain as 1900 steps down didn’t sound nice. I totally fell asleep on the bus down ( it was only 20 mins) then we just hung around the town, Agua Calientes, until it was time to get our train back to (some place) and then we got a van to our hotels in Cusco. 

The train was an interesting 1.5 hours. There was some random dudes doing dances in crazy masks and then there was a fashion parade of clothes made from alpaca wool. I assume the fashion parade was so people could see the clothes and then buy them. 

When i got back to my hotel, i had a really long hot shower and then passed out. I had to check out of my hotel the next morning at 9am and then move to another hotel as that first one was with the package of my hike. I had a full days break and then i was going up Rainbow mountain. Was a bit of drama before that happened. I got to my new hotel at like 11am and they didn’t have my reservation. I had it printed out and they didn’t know what to do. PS these convos i had were all in spanish as they didn’t know spanish well. They seemed to have a paper system and me booking online didn’t seem to carry over. Luckily they had a room available, so i just took that. We then had to renegotiate the price as they thought the price i paid on the internet was to cheap and i was like well that was the point, it was a deal with my airline ticket. Anyways we made an agreement we were both happy with and i went into the room. I lay on the bed for a very long time not moving and then went to find food. Found a good vego restaurant and had a massive veggie burger and chips and orange juice. It filled me up for like 15 hours. I didn’t eat again until 6 am the next day when i was on my way up to Rainbow mountain. 

So, my hotel room was a bit of a boom. When traveling in a hiking pack you basically need to empty it to get access to everything. I was planning to washing some of my socks and stuff just because i could. I normally do it in the shower with me... but as i was saddened to find out... there wasn’t really hot water at the hotel. Which was some what disappointing as the temperature outside at night is -5 meaning the pipes are gonna be freezing making the normal water super freezing. There was some sort of electronic thing at the top of the shower head which i guess was like an electric heating contraption that was heat the water as it passes through. I felt like it was a bit unsafe have electricity flowing and having water pass through the gadget. It was on and was live. I found that out the hard way when i was fiddling with it drying to make it work when i got a little electric shock. To be totally honest... when i turned it off at the wall there was a difference in temperature from freezing to ... mildly freezing. I am use to cold showers here in colombia but this was a whole different level. I just quickly soaped up my body and rinsed of before i got frost bite and then layered up and got into my bed. I didn’t wash anything as i thought i would be to cold for anything to dry. 

So the next morning i wake up at 3am as my pick up time was between 3:30 - 4am to start the 2 hour drive to breakfast and then another hour drive to the start of the walk to the summit of rainbow mountain. So i go out of my room at 3:30am and walk to the road where they are gonna pick me up. I wait and wait... a few people are stumbling back from the clubs. It was super light in the street so it wasn’t really scary or anything. Heaps of people are out and about because a lot of hikes leave super early. One guy stumbled along on the other side of the street and was trying to open a door for maybe 15 mins and ended up napping against the wall. Was a bit entertaining to watch him. It got to 4am and i was like ok these people are late. I went back inside and started chatting to the lady and asked her if she could call and find out where they were. She called and they said 5 mins. Then she asked me if i was checking out and i’m like no i have one more day.. she says on the book there is someone checking into the room after a bit of back and fourth... we came to the conclusion that i had to get my stuff out as i only had it for one night. At that moment the guide rang the door bell for me to come out. I quickly rang back into the room and shoved all my stuff into my pack and then gave it to the lady who would hold on to it for me until i got back that afternoon. Then the whole 2 hours to breakfast i was thinking how the heck i am gonna get a hotel, and having not internet on my phone didn’t help. 

We got to breakfast, which was a weird soup thing with meat and then fruit. I just had a couple cups of hot tea as my throat was killing me and some bread with some sort of honey / caramel spread. We drove the next hour and arrived at start of the walk. It took us maybe an hour and a half to get to the summit and again i was struggling. We were only a group of 6 including the guide and it was a bit of a slower pace. But again i was struggling with the altitude. This time we went up to around 5200m and it is crazy how little energy your muscles have. It is really amazing how the mountain just naturally has different colours. When i got to the top i kinda of collapsed on the ground and just sat looking out on to the other snow capped mountains. A black dog came up to me and sat next to me and rested his head on my legs. It was a bit cute. Also was very warm. It was freezing up the top. Any natural water that would have been flowing had frozen along the path. It was also super windy so that made it super icy cold. We stayed up the top probably for almost an hour, just looking around and then taking photos. We walked back down and then started the drive back to the restaurant where we would have lunch . Along the way kids would run along into the street and up to the car. The guide would give out extra snacks ( oreos and fruit) that we hadn’t eaten. The kids were super excited. Its crazy the small little kids that just run around free in the paddocks of the mountains, no parents in sight. The helicopter parents would be having a freak out. 

Lunch was fairly basic again i ended up just having rice and some water. I slept most of the 2 hours back to Cusco. There was no head rest so it was a slumped head bench backwards over the back of the chair, my neck was sore for a few days after. 

When i got back to Cusco i headed to Starbucks and bought a drink and then got the wifi and searched around for a hotel in the same street for a reasonable price but one that would guarantee me scolding hot water and a heater in my room. As it was my last chance for a hot shower for the next 3 months i wanted it to be definite. I found one for like $70 bucks in the same street and checked in. Again i had to come to an agreement with the reception as they thought the website quoted to cheap, these internet sites need to be better at giving discounts that the hotels will actual honor. I moved my stuff in after i checked in and then had an extremely long shower, hot water is so amazing and really makes washing your hair a pleasure instead of a mental challenge. I went back to the same vego restaurant and then snuggled into bed ready to leave the next day. 

The hotel had the added bonus of a free buffet breakfast. I checked out at 9am and then grazed in the buffet until it finished at 9:30am. I then sat in the sun at the main plaza and there was a big parade for some reason. Went to starbucks again and had my last chocolate frappe for 3 months even though my sore throat was not advising it. Headed back to the hotel and picked up my bags then waited for my transport to the airport. 

Overall the trip was a good experience. Definitely not relaxing or like super fun. But it gave me some amazing chances to see nature at it bets. I would not advise doing the salkantay trek for older people as a lot of people were struggling with altitude and had to take horses ( which cost more money). You can just catch a train or bus to Machu Picchu if you want to see it. Which does seem more logical but the experience you get in the mountains is pretty amazing. 

I have 1 more week free and then i start the 2 week teacher prep before the students start at school. I am hoping my cold is gone within the next few days, i have been eating a lot of raw garlic which helps but my diet is not the best so the process is pretty slow. I’ll upload some pics on here of the mountains. 

[miphastudies]

17 Questions for 17 People

Thanks @its-bianca​ for tagging me in this! Sorry it’s taken so long, we’re in a third lockdown and I’m pretty sure my body thinks that time no longer exists.

Nicknames: Kim, Kimbo, Kimberlim, Kimothy, Kimberley Dibberley (For some reason my family thought that a nickname based off Cat’s other personality from Red Dwarf, Dwayne Dibberley, was funny and it’s stuck with me my whole life), as well as KIIII (shouted by my sister when she was about 2 and couldn’t pronounce my name, my best friend now yells it when she wants my attention) and Kim-Kim by my Dad who refuses to believe I’ve grown up (beats Kimberley Dibberley any day) 

Height: 5'9 - towering over most men is fun, I suggest it to all of you, I’d rather round it up to six foot, but I probs stopped growing at 20.

Hogwarts House: Well I got Gryffindor when I first went on that site, but being my goth self I had to take the test again until I got Slytherin - as far as I remember I had unicorn hair (or horn?) or something of the like in my wand but I’m not gonna fuel JK’s anti-trans pockets by visiting Pottermore ever again. 

Last thing I googled: The soundtrack for Futurama’s Luck of the Fryrish episode, I knew Simple Minds were on it but I could’ve sworn Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty was on it, but apparently not. I spent a good half hour trying to sing it into google with their new song-analysis thing to no avail, so I ended up siphoning through all the songs Lisa Simpson has ever played on her Sax to find out what it was (I should be doing my dissertation proposal but my tutors haven’t got back to me yet so what can ye do).

Song stuck in my head: yknow wha I’m just gonna list the songs that have been stuck in my head so far today because it’s too many to be just one as I keep cycling through them (also gonna link them so you can see how garbo weird my music taste is)

Run - Joji Alive - Pearl Jam Clinging On For Life - The Hoosiers Tension - Avenged Sevenfold  Boots of Spanish Leather - Bob Dylan Nutshell - Alice in Chains Jaded - Aerosmith  The Sea of Tragic Beasts - Fit For an Autopsy 

I’ll add my current favourite at the bottom too for good measure (Honestly I spend way too much time listening to music and I regret nothing)

Number of followers: Currently 85. I’ve got about 2k on my main blog but I’ve not touched that since July 2017.

Amount of sleep: Good lord, so I aim for 8 hours, sometimes I only get 5.5 or something along those lines, other times I depression nap during the day and can’t sleep at all, sometimes (like this morning) I’ll go to get up at a normal person time such as 9am when my body naturally wakes me up, but it’s so dark and gloomy outside and cold in my room that I just stay in bed and end up accidentally falling back asleep. 12pm gang rise up xo 

Lucky number: 7

Dream Job: Hopefully I get somewhat successful in monetising my hobbies, I’m working on it all atm (I don’t know why but I really hate telling people about my plans because I’m deathly afraid they’ll mock me or do whatever they can to ensure it doesn’t happen, I’ve got this list of things I need to do for my own mental health sellotaped to my laptop stand that had things like when to clean the house, do my laundry, shower, exercise etc, and my old flatmate/friend saw it the other week and mocked me, so I haven’t followed it since and need to find some sort of other way of organising my life instead). But yeah, hopefully hobby based, I don’t want to be stuck in an office job all my life, and I want to leave the UK (although I don’t want to leave my family) so hopefully I’ll be successful enough to bring em all with me.

Wearing: Well I was gonna wear jeans and my Unus Annus longsleeve but I decided to go full kitchen witch and wear this black milkmaid looking dress with long sleeves that I’d bought for work when I got my thigh tattoo started (all the old men appreciated the legs but I didn’t make any more tips, oops)

Favourite song: My favourite song of all time would be The Verve’s Bittersweet Symphony , the band formed at my college, has great meaning and has resonated with me since I first saw the music video after it was played at my Stepdad’s funeral in 2002. Weirdly enough on my last day of college, right after my last exam, I went to get the bus home - put my Spotify on shuffle (bearing in mind I’ve got 805 songs on this playlist) and this came on straight away. That’s probably not important to most people, but being pagan, I like to think that small things like these are signs from loved ones that have since passed. Not too happy that it’s used as the England Rugby theme because it gives me anxiety every time as though I feel like everyone hearing it doesn’t have the same emotional connection with the song as I do, but idk. I saw Richard Ashcroft live and he played this and I legit bawled my eyes out in public, safe to say I’ll try and hold it in next time. I suggest you all have a listen to the song or even watch the music video for it, it’s the most simple but most meaningful music video to me. 

Favourite Instrument: I’m left handed and I had this Yamaha acoustic guitar that my stepdad gave me - and taught me to play when I was about 5, a few months before he died (it’s still weird to me that I had no idea he had cancer at that point and instead spent his last few months teaching me his favourite hobbies) all he had was right handed guitars, so he taught me to play Metallica’s Nothing Else Matters upside down on this 20 odd year old right handed acoustic. He hadn’t played upside down himself before but did it so I could see what he was doing. I remember sitting in our green living room on the couch with him moving my hands to the right position (I don’t know where my mum was in this scenario, probably in the kitchen). He’d brought this guitar with him the first day I met him, it was probably like 11pm but I was 4 and thought it was 3am or something, but I heard voices coming from the living room and had gone to investigate - there sat my mum and my stepdad having Chinese on the living room floor, laughing together, my stepdad saw me and had brought sweets for me and my brother for when we woke up, but he beckoned me over, gave me a lollipop, stuck a two litre bottle of tizer in front of me and told me to dip the lollipop in the drink and lick it (not a good idea as I would’ve been bouncing off the walls, but I think I must’ve had a sugar crash and fallen asleep). My mum had no idea he was coming as he’d sneakily been texting her, asking what her favourite drink was, her favourite food and flowers etc, after they met in a pub when my mum was at a hostel with my brother after my Dad had taken me. My mum told him that the council had given her a place and he decided to show up and surprise her with all her favourite things and play guitar for her after my brother and I had gone to bed, I don’t remember much time passing before we’d moved into his house (where my mum and her new husband live to this day), but they got married a few months later and I still can’t play that Metallica song (I did try to teach myself more of it though). I also had this black left handed Ibanez prestige that my Dad got me for Christmas about 9 years ago, I could play quite a lot on it but eventually just stopped. Very good at piano though. 

Aesthetic: I’m not sure what this entails but I’m a sucker for neon/RGB/cityscapes and that type of malarkey. Also space. Love da space.  Also whatever Cornwall would be considered as. Cottagecore? I think that’s only an animal crossing related aesthetic but I’m claiming it nonetheless. 

Favourite Author: I’m a big goth so it has to be Stephen King by default. I’ve got copious first editions of his books from the 70′s and 80′s that my Mum bought when she was a teen. At my flat I’ve got Carrie, Christine, Salem’s Lot, Misery and The Shining first editions and the others are in my room at my Mum’s house. I don’t tend to read for joy like I used to, or write for fun either but I’m hoping I do more in 2021. Currently reading The Outsider by King, it sounds eerily familiar to a novel I wrote for coursework in college in 2014 and I’m half pressed to think he’s stole my brain ideas. I’m watching you Stephen. Always watching. Always. 

Favourite animal sounds: I don’t have favourite sounds, but my husky Nanook is my favourite animal because he’s dumb and I love him. Also Kookaburra sounds are terrifying and you all should go listen to what a koala sounds like. When I go to Adelaide (hopefully this year, if not next) I am NOT stepping foot in a nature reserve unless I’ve got an anti-kookaburra noise suit on. They obviously don’t exist so I’m gonna have to make one.

Random: I’m part of a viking reenactment group where they use actual swords and fight each other, and we have to basically sign our lives away when we join, to say that if we die, it’s not the groups fault. I don’t actually do the fighting though, I’m part of the villager group, so I do all the crafting and food making and most of the teaching when we do shows. I’ve not yet been to a show as I’ve had uni to go to, but my parents, sister and brother do - They stayed within Whitby Abbey last year during the Viking festival where everyone did the show and the adults got drunk round campfires in the castle grounds. Zacky Vengeance once complimented my shirt if that’s something. I’m also colourblind, got glared at by Liam Gallagher in the Liverpool Echo Arena parking lot and have too accurate a sense of smell.

Sorry this was so long, obviously I felt like word-dumping and my brain has a lot to say as I find too much meaning in these things.  Thanks again for tagging me! I’ve not got 17 people to tag as I don’t interact with anyone at the moment but I’ll come back to this and add people as the week progresses :) 

[vsplusonline]

What children really feel about home learning - Times of India

New Post has been published on https://apzweb.com/what-children-really-feel-about-home-learning-times-of-india/

What children really feel about home learning - Times of India

Mike mistakes can be nice distractions Suraj Suryanarayanan Class 11, Mumbai Sometimes, our online school sessions play out like TV news. Just like the anchor keeps repeating a question till the reporter who is on field hears it in his microphone, our teacher has to repeat questions since she isn’t sure she is audible. This happened recently during our Business Studies class when she asked about the rate of interest for an investment in a company’s equity shares. No one answered for a while because they were still groggy for the morning session. There are also other unintentional sources of entertainment. A student had left his microphone on by mistake and we heard his grandmother wax eloquent in rustic Hindi about how she will outlive the corona crisis. This was a welcome distraction from the Accounts class. We all laughed — with our microphones off.

Attending classes online as opposed to a classroom is like praying at home rather than praying in a temple. Although it’s a commendable, extraordinary effort on the part of the teachers to take these sessions and there is nothing overtly lacking, what I miss is the air of camaraderie and curiosity as students eagerly raised their hands to ask questions. Although we do ask questions on chat and are free to turn on our microphones and ask the teacher a question whenever we have a serious doubt, it’s not really the same.

What I don’t miss is waking up early. For college lectures, which would begin at 7.45am, I would be up at 5am, lounge around a bit and take the bus from Jogeshwari to Andheri and then board a train to Khar. But now, I wake up five minutes before our 9am sessions.

Sometimes, students from other schools try to gatecrash these sessions under aliases. We report these students to the teachers. We are allowed to record sessions which we can access under different folders on the app. I like that the timings of home schooling are flexible but I miss not being able to talk to friends when a class is on. You can’t type on chat: “Hi guys, I am bored.”

— As told to Sharmila Ganesan

Day=housework+homework-friends Aakankasha Singh Class 12, Anupshahr, UP My school has very few holidays. We go to school every day whether summer and winter, from 9am to 5pm. Now it feels so strange staying at home. I still get up at 4.30am every day, to finish my homework and read the lessons that will be done in the class that day. I want to become a doctor so I have to study hard and keep up my grades.

But then I help my mother with the housework, cleaning and cooking for the family that includes four of us — my parents and my 18-year-old brother. Though we had a phone at home, I had never used it before the school started online classes. My brother had to help me in figuring out how to take screenshots and send my homework to the teachers.

In the first half of the morning, teachers send us recorded lessons on WhatsApp. We have to watch the videos and they give us exercises to do. Most of the day goes by in this. There is a lot of school work to finish. I miss my gang of friends a lot. We were always together whether it is in class or during lunch.

I am also using the time to learn cooking. My mother says that if I live away from home to pursue further studies at least I should be able to feed myself. I can make anything with aloo in it — aloo gobhi, aloo baigan — and roti. Though I am happy at home, I hope school opens soon.

— As told to Himanshi Dhawan

I never had this luxury of time before Umme Salama Badshah Class 9, Mumbai The best thing about homeschooling is that I feel more relaxed. It is a chance to unwind from the crazy cycle of school-homework-routine and enjoy the added family time when we chat and play games. As ninth graders, we’re so caught up with studies and exams that we hardly get the time to sit and think about what we actually want to do with our lives, or what really inspires us. Now that I can study at my own pace, I find myself jotting down my thoughts — be it a poem or a few pages on women’s equality — I never had this luxury of time to explore my feelings or writing as a hobby. I’ve also managed to sit with my parents and discuss what I want to do with my life and what they’d prefer me to do.

Our teachers try to keep the online classes lively — by picking on a random name or a roll number to check whether we’re there and paying attention. They also talk about the pandemic — which helps because we want to understand what’s going on in the world.

At the same time, technical glitches do get on my nerves. Sometimes, the teacher’s voice may have gone ahead while the presentation is frozen. Sometimes, calls get disconnected or the voice echoes or overlaps. When it happens five or six times in a day, it can be very annoying. There are times that a document or an assignment may not open or we don’t receive a link to join a meeting. Unlike regular school where the bell ushers us all back into the classroom, if we fail to join an online class or get late due to connectivity issues, it can be difficult to catch up with the teacher.

I do miss my second home which is school. I miss hopping over to others’ classrooms for fun, meeting teachers, and especially the games classes where all the divisions come together. Usually my summer holidays coincide with Ramzan, and it’s a great time to chill with friends and cousins in each other’s houses, watch movies and pass time, given that we’re hungry and thirsty all day. This year, both stand cancelled and it’s heartbreaking.

— As told to Mohua Das

I’m studying more than before but I miss school Asaawari Sahai Class 6, Kolkata It seemed strange at first, when my bedroom became my classroom. Initially, I was taking care to dress, thinking the camera would be on me. Now, I am getting used to the whole new concept. I think I quite like it. I can be relaxed, do the assignments at my pace, read and spend this time with my family. I have been honing some domestic skills during the lockdown, baking and cooking. I am also into calligraphy. Initially, I hated the idea of household chores, but now I find myself taking on responsibilities. I may not take our domestic staff for granted when they return after the lockdown.

Come to think of it, I am actually studying more. The travel time to school and back can be used for study and extra curriculum like coding, app development and dance. Since I can’t go out and play, I am using the time to read or finish assignments. The overall study time has increased, I guess. But I badly want to go back to school.

— As told to Ajanta Chakraborty

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[layaltheblogger2019]

What is your current obsession?

It’s summer in Boston!! Summer!! Sun!! Beaches!! Happiness!! Exploration!! Random road closures*!! Outdoors!! Fireworks!! NO PSETS!! Events!!

So, this is my first summer NOT with my family in Florida and my first summer in Boston. I will say that although I arrived at MIT last year at the end of August for an FPOP (Freshman Pre-Orientation Program), it is not in any way comparable to spending a full summer here. And even though I spent nine months taking classes over freshman year, the warmth and sun of the summer is nothing like the freezing, sun-less, soul-sucking days of winter. You might be asking, ‘Layal, what are you doing in Boston over the summer? Are you taking classes at MIT or something? Why don’t you have an internship or go abroad, yada yada—’ Well to answer your many questions, I chose to be here! (Also MIT doesn’t offer classes in the summer so that we can all actually get a life ;P )

What exactly do I do? I am here as a Residential Facilitator for the Interphase EDGE Program and a UROP in the Media Lab, Personal Robots group. And what does all of that mean? The Interphase EDGE Program is a summer program for incoming MIT students to help ease their transition into freshman fall. As an RFA, I am responsible for overseeing a ‘cluster’ of three first-years/freshmen/frosh, teaching a workshop/recitation section, of which I teach chemistry, and being present as a guide and resource to help the seventy Interphase scholars. This is probably the most fun job you can get in the summer (though I might be a little biased). With it, I get the satisfaction of being a mentor to the incoming freshmen, the experience of being a TA for a class, and if that already wasn’t cool enough, as bonuses I get breakfast, dinner, and a single in Maseeh with a partial river view! There’s nothing I dislike about this job, and the people I interact with make it worth every moment (and there’s really nothing like being in a single, which I could probably write another entire blog post about). And my UROP is a UROP, which doesn’t explain much. I guess it might not be as good of an explanation as I first thought since any time I do any random craftwork/work not on my computer, my friends ask me if I’m working on my UROP. I mean, sometimes yeah, I am ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

In actuality, the work I do for my UROP surrounds the idea of designing social robots for older adults. I had started working on this UROP in the spring, designing icons that would be used for the interactive part of the study. This summer, I worked on analyzing transcripts from interviews done by my supervisor with respect to her long-term study and designing tools that could be used to make the interactive part of the study low-cost and portable. As it stands, the icons are stored and used on a very expensive HP Sprout which, from experience, is heavy and very hard to transport to the participants. It has been really interesting hearing older adults’ opinions on technology, their life needs, and the idea of social robots catered to them. The UROP allows me to think creatively to complete assigned tasks, and that is my favorite part of the job.

All of this background is here just to set the tone of my summer, a general what have I been up to sort of thing. What I really want to talk about is my new obsession.

Since getting to Boston last year, I have loved exploring the city, or rather, walking across Harvard Bridge as an excuse not to do psets. I have lived in suburbia my entire life, and as tiresome as some aspects of Boston can be, I have fallen in love with the city. Since nowadays I have much more free time than I do during the academic year, I am OBSESSED with exploring more of Boston. The city comes to life over the summer, with a host of events, food, and fun. Here is a list of some of the fun things Boston has to offer that I’ve done in the past two months:

1.      Travel to New York City!

Okay, this isn’t exactly Boston, but its location is ideal for a day trip to NYC. A friend of mine is doing an internship there, and so we joined her for 24 hours of fun in the Big Apple. A car rental and five hours later, we were exploring the city. We had bagels for breakfast, roamed around Central Park, had food cart food (big yum), walked along the High Line, stared in awe at the Oculus, and wandered through Times Square. New York City is also accessible by train and by bus, and whatever way you get there, it’s a trip I highly recommend! Though again, I might be biased because there is just something about NYC that makes me fall in love with it every single time I visit.

The NYC skyline from the Staten Island ferry

The 9/11 Memorial and the Oculus at the World Trade Center

2.      Watch the 4th of July fireworks (and join in on the                       other festivities)!

If you’re in Boston over the summer, you can’t miss the 4th of July. Like it is physically impossible to avoid this holiday, given that Boston is America’s birthplace. The festivities begin with a flag-raising ceremony at Boston City Hall at 9am, leading to a nice little parade that takes you to the Old State House, where the entirety of the Declaration of Independence is read from the same balcony that it was read from every year since 1776. Throughout the day there are numerous celebrations to get you in a patriotic mood. There is the famous Boston Pops concert that happens across the river on the Esplanade right before the fireworks, which I did not attend but could hear from Memorial Drive.

The fireworks are a very big deal. Large boats that will be lined with fireworks begin to show up on the river from three or four days before the fourth, Harvard bridge is shut down from 4pm the day-of so it can be ready for the show. Rooftops and tall buildings with a river view are lined with people. Since the unofficial best place to watch the fireworks is on the Cambridge side, I collected my work for the day, grabbed a blanket, and sat on a nice, grassy patch of Killian Court when the sun began to set. There were so many people on both sides of the river, an estimated half a million just on the Boston side! And the show was very much worth the wait.

Flag-raising ceremony at Boston City Hall

Minutemen marching in the 4th of July Parade to the Old State House

Fireworks!!!

3.      Go to Maria’s Pastry Shop!

I am an outlier of sorts in that I don’t like the infamous Mike’s Pastry’s cannolis. I really don’t. But I wasn’t worried because the North End has no shortage of pastry shops or cannoli options to try. I heard a lot about Maria’s Pastry Shop so one weekday morning before I had to go in for my UROP, I took an Uber with friends to eat some freshly baked goods and cannolis. And holy cannoli it was good. 10/10, will eat again.

(I have no pictures of the cannolis, I ate them immediately)

4.      Go to Revere Beach!

Walking through Boston, it doesn’t feel like the coast could be so close and accessible, but it is! Just a hop, skip, and jump away from campus is a beach you can visit for $5 roundtrip on the subway. Just take the red line, transfer to orange, and go all the way down the blue line to Wonderland: even the name of the stop expresses how nice the place is. On a really hot summer day, the water is perfectly cool, and the sand is smooth and soft. I’ve made this trip multiple times since I came to MIT, and over the summer I took a trip with a large group of Interphase scholars! It is a very accessible way to get away from campus and return to nature, at the open border between land and water.

Beach Day at Revere!

5.      Eat pie at Petsi Pies (and visit the school down the                     street)!

At the outskirts of Greater Boston is one of the most delicious pie places I’ve ever tried. I was actually introduced to the place by my UROP supervisor when we went to Cohasset to visit some study participants, and I have been enamored ever since. Peach Blackberry with Walnut Crumb. Brown Butter Pecan Pie. It tastes even better than they sound. This would have been a quick trip on the Red Line, but on the day in question, the Red Line was broken :(

After getting there, we walked towards a small park to eat, then to Harvard Square for dinner. While walking there I noticed that the Curious George store was missing from its corner (no! what a travesty!) but then I found out it was moving to Central Square (yay! it will be closer!) so that was fun. Walking through Harvard campus, I felt like I was intruding on the place or something lol. We visited Widener Library to get our complementary Harvard library cards for access to their library and shuttle system, but it was closed for the day. I will be back to Harvard sometime soon for that.

What happened with the cannolis happened with the pies ;(

6.      Take the Commuter Rail!

There is a really awesome deal right now that I believe began around when summer started, and that is the $10 unlimited weekend commuter rail pass, valid on Saturdays and Sundays. Some trips on the commuter rail are $10 for a one-way ticket, so this is actually a very good deal. One Saturday, a large group of friends and I took the commuter rail to Manchester-by-the-Sea (yes, like from the movie) and walked over to Singing Beach, a picture-perfect beach, and the most beautiful one I have visited yet. Yes, I’m from Florida. The waves were the clearest blue, the sand, the lightest beige, and the sky was bright with the heat of the sun. The water was perfect.

We then got back on the commuter rail and spent the rest of the day in Rockport, a little seaside town made infamous by its artists, seafood, and quaint, colorful buildings. We took a stroll down Bearskin Neck, ate lobster rolls at Roy Moore’s, and tasted samples of delicious fudge from the Fudgery. All this was a mere hour-long train ride away.

On Sunday, we took the commuter rail west, all on the same $10 pass, and went to a farm to go fruit picking in Sherborn. We walked between peach trees and enjoyed the warm weather with good conversation and laughter. The day ended back in Boston, with a walk through Chinatown.

There are many more great stops on the commuter rail, including Concord, Salem, and Gloucester. I can’t wait to explore more of the commuter rail.

Motif #1 in Rockport

Rocks at Rockport (I understand the name now)

Peaches at Sunshine Farms in Sherborn

My first summer in Boston has been super fun and overall a great success, and I still have about half a month left of it to go. My next few weekends aren’t planned yet, but I can’t wait to see what’s in store!

*This actually happens way too often in the summer that it's kind of getting annoying. Boston’s commute is already a mess: from the red line derailment, the MBTA fare hike, construction and lane closures everywhere, don’t even get me started on rush hour traffic. Mass Ave is at a standstill for…a parade? A street race? Huh? I mean guess the dance party was pretty awesome. And the 4th of July fireworks. I have to admit it’s cool sometimes :P

[sally-annesstories]

Day 19 - Playa del Carmen to Isla Holbox, Mexico

And the solo adventure commences

1. I had popped by the ADO briefly on my own Saturday to get a ticket to chiquila and then onto Isla Holbox. I think if it was 3 years ago Isla Holbox would be relatively undiscovered. These days it more known but still gets less attention than the mainland. My intention for going here is to explore, relax and chill back reading a few books. Tours move so quickly and see so much (great!!) but I need some me time to regroup energy. I have another tour booked for the end of the week (my last one - this time to help get through the Belize and Guatemala border crossings). So after waking up I got all my stuff together and walked to the ADO. The intense humidity and being near the 30s and me very hot and sticky for my short walk. Once at the bus stop I asked about tickets to Bacalar (contemplating going for a day or two later in week. Even better is Salvador said the tour can pick me up rather than me travelled back to Playa. While it means missing a bit of the tour it also means more time to see more!). So will think on that overnight and can easily buy a ticket online. I also had headed to an ATM the night before. There’s only one on Holbox and it frequently is out of money. The bus had a scheduled departure of 8.30am so handed over my large bag and hopped on. The bus was only part full so I had two seats to myself which was amazing to stretch out. I split my time on the journey doing future research (found an app called Culture Trip which allows offline downloads), finished reading the subtle art of not giving a fuck, and writing this! The ADO busses all seem to have TVs which they show movies on. This one played the movie Minions first (I haven’t seen before) and then the fault in our stars. I know the general gist of the fault in our stars so was watching this to help with figuring out Spanish (no subtitles but good to hear the language). Just after 10.30am the bus arrived in Chiquilá!

2. Arriving in Chiquilá it was damn hot! Being on the bus with aircon it was overpowering getting off. I quickly located my bag and then walked towards the port. There’s a ferry on the hour every hour so after 5 minutes hanging round it was time to hand off my bag again and hop on! While every time you hand it off it’s more casual than the last it is kind of comforting having a luggage bag that matches my small one as easy to show both mine. On the ferry I had the option of the upper or lower deck but given the heat and intensity of the sun I went with the lower deck. Two girls sat next to me, both German (one living in San Francisco) so was nice to chat to people for a smidgen. Overall the boat ride took 40 minutes and we landed. There was another (speed) boat advertised but this had less sailing times and it was nice to take it slow. I had purchased my ticket at the ADO so I think my ticket wouldn’t have worked for that as well.

3. Arrived on Isla Holbox ! Very hot getting off here too. You can get a golf cart to where you’re staying really cheap but the language barrier can be tricky too. The walk didn’t look to bad so I decided to tough it out rather than wait in the heat! Backpacker experience numero uno. I must’ve looked like I knew what I was doing as I had a random girl come up to me and ask where I was going (she had arrived on the island with nowhere to stay - true backpacker!). I said where it was (Tribu) and if she wanted to follow me she could to see if it’s what she was after. A 10 minute walk later we arrived. It’s super cute, lots of yellow and bright colours with hammocks all in the yard. It was midday by the time I’d checked in and the room would be ready at one. My togs are in my pack and the heat is kinda debilitating so I just chilled on a hammock for the time till I could go to my room which was nice and relaxing. I attempted to use wifi but it seems below average here. Hence why these posts are a tad late with photos! Was nice sitting and doing nothing in the hammocks. Although that was a bit spoilt for the last 10 minutes as someone decided they needed a smoke. Given so uncommon at home for someone to smoke in close proximity you really notice it when it happens!

4. Once I’d checked in I got all my stuff to my room. I had seen a sign about a vegan and vegetarian eatery which sounded so good after my lack there of of late. So I wandered over and realised I’d left my water bottle on the way. I’ve been so good for the past 2 weeks (not misplacing anything) and then the past 24 hours I’ve left my sunglasses twice and water bottle twice. Obviously tired and I think the heat is having a good go at me. Anyway I sat down and ordered a tropical burger from chickpeas with a tropical salad. It was so good (see photo below) mainly because I felt like it was healthy and full of goodness. Even the chips were just oven baked. Not something I’d usually order (although I do like vege burgers at Kelly and Nic’s) but the food combined with the soundtrack at the cafe (limited to ABBA and Cher) was bloody good on a hot afternoon. After a stroll back along the beach I was at the hostel where my water bottle was waiting for me and the shade was calling. I’m not made to function in these temperatures! The place is amazing so don’t take this wrong but I did a little bit of research about leaving given nothing booked and I think I will take Salvador to on him offering to pick me up from Bacalar on the tour! Current thoughts are here till Wednesday (3 nights), then either Valladolid or Cancun before , Playa Del Carmen (meet new tour) then early bus ride to Bacalar Sunday morning and the tour will pick me up around 9am Monday. Still really impressed with Salvador suggesting this ! (Might say this over and over - you’re warned).

5. After looking online I was still just as clueless and it was still just as hot. I spent most of the arvo reading (onto The Lying Game - I remember watching the TV show online, it’s some kind of mystery but I can’t remember what happens) and took a couple of quick walks to the beach. I met some really kind hostellers who invited me to go to Coco Playa with them for sunset and also to walk to see the glowing plankton at night but I had to decline as I’m exhausted. The tour and all the moving really took it out of me. Despite me eating less lately due to it being so hot I had worked up an appetite for dinner. Found a spot for nachos (Mexican food I haven’t had yet) and sat down with a Jamaica - it genuinely tasted like Rivera! The nachos were really good but when the bill came it was 50 pesos less than I expected...turns out the guy hadn’t heard me right and I wasn’t eating steak. I decided I’d rather not know and left it at that. I walked back via the beach sunset before taking the coldest shower I could doing a bit of reading and hitting the day.

Tally:

Time spent travelling: 3 hours

Feels like temperature on Holbox: 44 Celsius

Tiredness levels: 197%

Backpacking life / Chiquila / lunch / Holbox & Tribu

[preezypop]

It took me a while to put words on what I feel. I formerly planned to write something when the disbandment news came out. But I backed out because I didn’t want to open my scars. That news hurt me in thousands ways for obvious reason, but the irony was that I discovered about it on the bus on my way to the airport because...I was about to fly to Japan to see Big Bang...Whatever. I must have looked pretty silly to the other passengers but a girl crying while going to the airport is not that strange after all. Anyway. How do I start? Where do I start? Well it should be easy. Because it all started with them. Those 4 amazing and fierce girls. One random summer night 6 years ago, I was chatting with my cousin on the internet (for the older ones, it was on MSN, feel old yet?) and back in that time I knew literally nothing about South Korea. Nothing. I was a J-Pop/J-rock enthusiast. She told me she wanted me to check out a music video. “It’s not Japanese though, it’s Korean, but I’m sure you will like it, it’s totally your style! And it sounds a lot like English when you’re not paying attention.” Ok, shoot. I must admit I was a bit jaded because Korea? But okay, I told her to send me the link and I gave it a try. “I go by the name of CL of 2NE1”, oh okay wow. Totally not what I expected! I mean I was kinda into J-Pop so I lowkey expected cute schoolgirls and stuff but no. Not at all. I had the Street ver. of the Fire MV playing in front of my eyes and W-O-W. Snatched. Blown away. Shookt. You name it. I was hooked. The clothes, the attitude, the choreo, THE SONG. (I mean c’mon, I’m a West-Indian and those girls just delivered a dance-hall-ish song!) Oh-my-God!!!!! I replayed it immediately! I couldn’t believe what I just saw! I let my cousin know how AMAZED I was and she was like “ikr?!!!! I knew you would like it”. Liked it? Little did my cousin and I knew but she has just launched the biggest change in my life. This night I listened to Fire for hours!!! I felt like there was a whole new world I had to discover. The J-Pop and J-Rock worlds were full of codes so I was sure K-Pop had its own too. And judging by the comments under the video there were A LOT. I was confused about everyone making a fuss over that weird guy dancing behind Minzy for like 2 seconds (little did I know that later I’d sell my soul to that weird dude and turn him into my husband ultimate bias). So there I went, because I wanted to know more about 2NE1, who were they? What were their names? Where did they come from? Why are they called the female Big Bang? Who even is Big Bang (LOL)? Who is papa YG? What? I downloaded the mini-album (why mini? why were the Korean codes so different from what I’ve known up until now?) and lost my hair for the 2nd time because of them. Perfect. That album was perfect. A bit of pop, a bit of r’n’b, everything I like!!!!! Those girls were winning my heart at a fast rate! And soon enough I was a 2NE1 fan, a Blackjack, a future YG stan and a full kpop fan in the making. The rest is history. If someone asks what is 2NE1 to me I will ask them if they know about the concept of the butterfly effect. How a small event can lead by some domino reaction to HUGE consequences. Because this is exactly what 2NE1 is to me. Because of them my life made a 180. And the person that I am today, the things that I do, the music I listen to, the food I enjoy, the people who are my friends, the countries that I visit, everything is because of them. Being a kpop fan has changed me and allowed me to do amazing things that I would never have allowed myself to imagine. I met people who lifted me up and allowed me to be a new me, a better me if I may say. And I would not be a kpop fan if I had not discovered 2NE1. They are and will stay my #1 girlsband. Each of them shows me that you gotta do what you gotta do. People will always say something, people will always judge. At the end of the day, what matters is that you feel good with what you decided for yourself. And often, too often, the ones who badmouth you the most are the ones who wish they’d be like you. So just go and chase your dreams. Make mistakes, learn, take some time for yourself and go at it again. One of the thing I’ll be the most bitter (and sad) about is that I will never know what it feels like to attend a 2NE1 concert. It hurts but that’s just how it is. I used the word irony twice already I think, but really that’s just the adjective which would describe a lot of my situations with 2NE1. And I have 2 big examples: They came to France once (in 2012 or 2011), for an annual event about media. They were invited and a French Kpop magazine posted 2 days ago that they would do a fanmeeting for those who can attend. It was sudden, they announced this 2 days before the d-day. It was in the middle of the week, at the opposite side of the country, bad mix. But impossible is nothing. I booked a train ticket and jumped into a night train and travel alone for 8h to a city I’ve never been too. But my girls were there, so I had to be too. I remembered arriving around 9am or something and I waited into a McDonald’s. I was seeing people with their badge for the festival and was envying them so bad. It had nothing to do with kpop itself. It was about media and communication. So most of the people were 30 years old tech guys. It was so unfair. Why would they’d be able to see the girls and not me? Do 2NE1 mean the world to them like they do to me? Did 2NE1 changed their life for the better? I don’t think so. I should get an access badge, not them. Whatever. Around 10am or so I called my part-time job to tell them I misread my schedule and that I actually had a big test that day so I couldn’t come and that I was sooooo sorry. I’m usually a trustable person, so they trusted me and told me it was okay. I felt a little bad for lying when they told me “good luck for your exam” when really I was just at the opposite side of the country to try see 4 girls who had succeeded to have one of the biggest impact on my life. Anyway, the day went by and my heart was beating so fast inside. I tried going around the city, hoping that maybe I would run into them but it never happened (but I discovered later that they did a photoshoot in the streets so :’) ) Time went by and I came outside the venue, saw a few fans and the fan meeting organizer. It was not that bad and I had a little fun. At some point we (the fans) were given bracelets, “you will be attending their showcase”. I thought I was about to die. I was thinking about seeing them, waving at them but seeing an actual showcase?!!!! I tried to calm down but really my mind was in a frenzy. At some point, people started running and screaming. They arrived at the venue. A few girls were crying. I wasn’t fast enough so I didn’t see anyone. 1st disappointment of the day but it was okay, I got the bracelet for the showcase anyway so really it was okay. But now that I was sure that they were inside the venue I couldn’t believe that 2NE1 and I were breathing the same air and that we just had a few walls separating us. How I wanted to run, kicked the guard and go inside the venue. But I had the bracelet for the showcase, it was okay. With the other fans, we waited and sang and danced to 2NE1 songs while waiting. But the official time of the showcase start was getting closer and yet no one was making us go in. Finally one of the “organizer” came to us and dropped the bomb “Sorry, there are too many of you, the security thinks it will be too complicated to handle you so you can’t go attend the showcase anymore”. Honestly I can’t remember how I felt at this moment, but it was like everything was slowing down brutally. I wasn’t expecting the showcase in the 1st place but I was given a fucking bracelet, I got my hopes up for nothing. Not even a compensation. People were screaming and crying, it was chaos. I just wanted to disappear. I hate broken promises. Don’t hype me up. If you’re not sure about something just shut up and wait for when you’re sure. That was the 2nd disappointment of the day. Finally when the showcase ended, we were told that the girls got the news about us being there all day and getting the entry denied so they would improvise some kind of fan event for us. I didn’t want to expect too much but who was I kidding just knowing that the girls were so thoughtful was making me want to cry out of happiness. Ofc they would. We were asked to gather in front of a building and wait for the girls so they would come and wave at us. We were asked to sing, dance and cheer for them. And we did. Cameras were filming us, random by-passers were asking us who we were praising like this. Everytime a representant would come and say that “they’re on their way, just 5 more minutes”. This lasted for like 1h if I remember correctly. “Sing louder, clap your hands, do this, do that”. We did everything wholeheartedly. Only for the same fucking representant to come and tell us after 1h that they wouldn’t come. No explanation. We were asked to leave the area. This was the 3rd disappointment and the last stroke. I was tired and disappointed. And for the 1st time I was mad at the girls. I didn’t know who were responsible but I was mad at the girls because as a fan, a very dedicated fan I felt like my love was looked down upon. I felt disrespected and unloved. And I swear this was the worst feeling ever. Finally we were said that their car would go down the road and that they would wave to us. Not expecting much for the 4th time, I still ran to the barrier and saw the car approaching but it didn’t seem like it was slowing down. But in like 0.02 seconds, the Double Park sisters iconic duo aka Dara & Bom appeared through the car rooftop and smiled and waved at us. It was quick but I screamed as loud as I could. I was thankful, so so so so so so so thankful for the gesture! Thank you my dear unnies for at least acknowledging us peasant i-fans. The car did a u-turn, and I was hoping to see CL (my ult female bias) and Minzy but they didn’t show up. This disappointed me to no end. If 2 out of the 4 did it why not the other 2? Weren’t we good enough for them? Don’t they care about us? Did they realize all the things, all of the sacrifices that some of us did just with the hope to take a glance at them? Later that day I took a train back to my city (yay 8h new hours of night train ride) with confused feelings. But mostly it was pain and disappointment. I was mad at CL the most but I was also mad at myself for being mad at CL. I ranted so much on Twitter! Ah, just thinking about it...I now realized how much I remember from that day and it feels so weird! But well, time heals everything and I calmed down about it. End of the 1st example. 2nd example, it will be shorter loool. Time skip, we’re in 2015 now. 2NE1 is missing from the radar because of the Park Bom situation. And I’m starting to register that I won’t be able to see my OT4 before a while. Anyway, now I’m mainly focusing on Big Bang and EXO. And here come my chance to see both bands at the same event: MAMA 2015. Fun fact, I bought my ticket for MAMA based on my guess because none of BB or EXO had confirmed their attendance. But I had that feeling. 2015 was the MADE era launching, it was impossible for BB to not attend MAMA, I mean they own it!! And SM would never not send EXO to MAMA like please. So I did it, at 4AM, I bought a ticket for the MAMA and went back to sleep like nothing happened because I was in denial. Anyway, that’s not the main point. Later I got the news that CL was attending too so really it was perfect. D-day, here I am enjoying the MAMA 2015 in Hong-Kong, CL just KILLED it with her Hello Bitches! perf and she disappeared. And at this moment for like 0.00002 second I thought “what if?” but before I calm my delulu ass down, Dara unnie appeared...then Minzy...and then...yes, our beloved Bom unnie! Even her was there! Right at this moment I had the very 1st kpop band I knew, loved and stanned, performing the very 1st kpop song I heard. And I lost it, I started crying like a heartbroken girl. It was like all of the frustration, all the longing, all the love, all the resentment, everything was coming crashing down on me. The poor girl who was sitting next to me was so confused, she was looking at me frequently and I know she was hesitating about helping me or not because really I was a mess. You know when you ugly cry and it’s so hard that you have to hold your stomach? Yeah, just like this. The 1st part of Fire was like in a blur but I couldn’t miss this, so I did my best to calm down and enjoyed the show. I don’t know which ancestor I should thank for this amazing gift but being able to see 2NE1 perform at 4...my very first OT4… this was one of the best surprise ever. The highlight of the night. My best HK memory. But it hurts too because there is something very bittersweet in the fact the 1st time I had the chance to see 2NE1 perform was also the last time they would perform as 2NE1 the OT4 at all… And to finish, the little bonus. In March 2016 I went for the 1st time in Korea (to attend EXO’s concert but then again, that’s details here). Only a few hours after I landed, I “ran” to the YG building. This was the 1st place I wanted to go, and that’s what I did. When I arrived in front of the building there like 2 girls only and that’s it. After maybe 10 minutes, a taxi arrived and came to pick someone up. That someone was the one and only Goddess Park Bom unnie. We got closer to the gate and started waving at the taxi and to our surprise, the taxi stopped in front of us and the back window rolled down. Bommie unnie asked the driver to stop to greet us. We didn’t ask for it, and didn’t even try to block the gate or anything, it was her decision. She wanted to greet us, she accepted the gift of one of the girls. I managed to tell her that I wanted her to come back. It only lasted a few seconds but it was intense enough. She might never know the impact of that. But I will never forget this. This really meant a lot. She was the one who asked the driver to stop the car. She saw us and and wanted to greet us. Not many idols would do that (I’m not blaming them), but that’s important, so so important. Unnie, thank you so much. I wish I could protect you from everything, you deserve the world and so much more. What happened to you is so unfair. But it’s about time. You can still make your dream come true not matter how long it takes you. You’re talented. You can achieve anything. Believe in yourself and most of all don’t blame yourself. Minzy, our talented, sweet maknae and dance machine. You hurt me. But I respect your decision. I will still have resentment because that’s just how I am. But I honestly respect and understand your decision. I wish you the best as well. You were the youngest and you’re the one with the most time ahead of her. I wish you success and I hope to hear your new music soon. Dara unnie, our adorable Ssantokki queen. You’ve been through so much already, before 2NE1, during 2NE1 and probably after. I really wish you’d stop thinking you’re untalented because that’s not true. No matter what we do, we will always find people better at doing something than us. What is important is to improve and compare ourselves to ourselves. Tomorrow you will be even better than today. That’s all that counts. Look at you doing great in dramas and TV shows! Thank you for being 2NE1’s most supportive fan and the only real 2NE1 manager haha! CL, my queen, our leader. I hope none of the bullshit people throw at you every single day will reach you. It disgusts me how jealousy can make people ugly. People are mad at you for showing a confident image, fuck’em all. Most of them are just insecure people who wish they were at least 50% of what you are. Since when being confident makes you a bad person? Foh. What’s worst is that that deep down we know that you’re not that confident. You’re strong, so strong though. Thank you for leading 2NE1 with such greatness. No matter what you choose to do, be sure it’s something you enjoy. Screw what people say. Enjoy yourself! 2NE1, thank you. Those words seem so simple but they mean A LOT. A lot. I just don’t know how to sum up those last 6-7 years. You turned my life upside down for the better and the woman that I am today will forever be grateful for that. If I had to do it again, I would like to start this journey with you again. I wouldn’t change anything. I was, I am and I will always be a Blackjack. I will love you forever. Goodbye queens ♥ (It hurts so much)

[this-blog-should-not-exist]

It’s been what, two weeks? One week?

A surprising amount has happened since my last post, idk where to start. So much has been on my mind as well

Last I had said was my last time I saw J I think, which was last Wednesday, the 18th. After that we had just snap chatted for a while. This past Friday I actually had another date with a guy I met on Tinder that I’ll call G, he was a close call to J. So I had told him on Thursday the night before I was going to meet him up in Easton that I was already also talking to another guy. I just wanted to be honest with him because I didn't want to just lead him on and then disappear after the date if it went south. He said that he respected my honesty and that not many guys would do that. So all in all Friday came and we met in Easton at Barnes and Noble. He’s really cute actually, a bit cuter than J but I wasn’t going off that I was going off personality. We ended up spending quite some time at Barnes and Noble talking about comics and books we’ve read and a few other random things. After that we went to get some food at Chipotle and sat outside and talked. We had talked for hours really until it got dark. We got along really well actually, we had so much in common. Books, the way we thought about things, movies and video games. He was like a walking meme too it was fun. But I just didn't feel a spark. Im not sure why I didn’t. Was it because I was already so invested with J? I had been talking to J for about a week longer than G but like I said J was a little more aggressive. G seemed like me, he was softer, gentler and passionate. After we finished talking I had drove him home since he went to college at OSU in Columbus, I didn't want him to have to take the bus home that would’ve taken forever when I could just drive him. I dropped him off and that was the night. I went back home and we said goodnight on snapchat and that was that. The next afternoon he was asking if I had made a decision between him or J and I had chose J because like I said, I for some reason just didn't feel a spark with G. Idk why. I said Id still like to be friends of course because I mean he’s a pretty cool dude, I like him. But since then we’ve talked a little less which I mean is understandable as well. We keep our streak going and make a little talk but thats about it. I hope he’s doing well, I saw today that he had unmatched me on Tinder.

That day though, Saturday I had managed to finally pay off 5,000 that I had owed my college that I went to out in Portland Oregon. I am so so so relieved now, Ive been working so much since this past June to pay off that debt because since I owed them 5,000 they wouldn’t release my transcript which meant i couldn't apply to transfer to a college back here. But now that its paid off I can set all that up this week because I believe my deadline to apply for spring classes is the 30th of this month. 

After that day, I had picked up a shift on Sunday because my friend C was actually going up to Cleveland to see a guy HE’S been talking to on Tinder as well so that was fun. I worked Sunday, C got back that afternoon, he said it was an really good time. The guy he is talking to is 23, a musician and finishing his masters in Cleveland. They fit together really well he had said. Im glad, C had never really had a relationship before and I hope this goes well for him. He hasn't had the best of luck with guys or girls really in the past. Just a lot of hookups, which I guess works for him, whatever floats his boat. Im glad he's met someone though. But so I picked up his shift on Sunday, gone to the Band Competition back in my hometown because two of my friends were helping set up for their high school band who were preforming at my high school. So I got to go around see a bunch of my old friends again which was so nice. Ive missed seeing all them in high school and that. After the band perfomance we had a work meeting that night at the bowling alley downtown, then I left and went back up to Columbus to see J. He had really been wanting to see me, and I had missed him a bit. 

So I got up there about 9, we got in bed and played on our laptops until about 3am. We had talked the week before to go to the botanical gardens the next day, possibly head out to Easton and go to one of his coworkers house for a cookout. Well none of that happened because I didn't sleep well that night so I woke up about noon but I didn't want to wake him up yet because I wanted to let him sleep. Plus whenever I say with a friend or anyone and I wake up first I feel terrible because I feel bad waking the other person up. What if they’re not ready to wake up? What if they didn’t sleep well either? What if they are a heavy sleeper and don’t wake up? Will they be grumpy when I wake them up? Will they actually be awake when I wake them up or will it take then another half hour to actually get out of bed? But so I didn't end up waking J up until about 3pm which of course he didn't like because we didn't end up having time to do anything. We had gotten a shower together, gone out to town because he was hungry and also wanted to return this game he had gotten. Well we get out to town, he began to get annoyed because he couldn't make up his mind one which game to trade it in for then didn’t know where he wanted to eat. I felt back because he was getting so annoyed at himself and it was my fault because I should've waken him up earlier so we had time to do stuff. Because also that day I had to go down to Athens at 7 because I was signing a least for a house with C, and another one of my friends we’ll call Jo. So J took us back to his apartment I grabbed my stuff and left for Athens, signed the lease, came back up to Columbus, went to the cookout with J, met some of his coworkers, they were fun. I felt a little out of place because of how young I was. Everyone else was over 21 and some were married couples with kids. It was still a good time, I had a few jello shots which I was a little disappointed they didn't get me anywhere even buzzed. But we had left about 2 hours in, got home about midnight and I watched J play Fallout 4 until about 2am, we had drank a little back at his place too but I still didn't even get tipsy. When I drink I drink to get drunk, because when Im drunk the most that happens is I get a little off balanced. I can still talk and think straight its just my center of gravity is a bit off and it makes things fun to me. But so we had gone to bed then. I got up today about 9am, we took a shower and I left and went straight to work.

So much has happened this past weekend, so many good things as well. Nothing ever usually goes this well for me. Me and C felt the same way and were joking that something is just gonna come crashing down on us, because life has never been so nice, me him and Jo are all talking to someone, we got a house, I paid off college. Everything is just going to smoothly. Part of me like I said is waiting, something is going to happen I'm afraid. Something bad but I don’t know what or when. But part of me is also thinking you know what if this is it? Have I finally got my life on track? After years of struggle and trial have I got things going the right way? But what do I do about J? I still have this feeling with him. Am I just enjoying the romantic attention and dealing with his aggressiveness for the sake of the romantic attention? Could I do better? Am I just holding onto him until I make it down to Athens? I just still have so many doubts about things

[anarcoqueer1994]

Please Don't Go: Chapter 2, First Date

Still working on my next chapter for my platonic Trans Tarty fic but since this is all written and I'm just sharing on here, hear is this in the meantime. I wrote it a while ago. Hope you like it!

Cyrus Goodman had asked TJ Kippen to be his boyfriend one month ago today .

TJ still could not believe it. Cyrus was everything he has ever wanted. He was sweet, smart, cute, and he cared for TJ in a way no one has before. But TJ would be lying if he said this month hasn’t been an emotional trip. On one hand, things with Cyrus have never been better. In public, it seemed like their "friendship" was just as strong as it has always been. The only difference being that both boys seemed more aware of their own bodies.

They were more self conscious of all the little touches that come so natural for them. They would notice their arms swinging too close together, their hands lingering a little too long when they would touch, and even their eyes staring at the other boy. This used to seem so normal for them, but now that they were dating, it became almost scary to do these things. Both of them were not ready to come out. The only people that knew Cyrus was gay were Andi, Jonah, Buffy, and obviously, TJ. For TJ it was even less, as the only people that knew were Cyrus and TJ’s older sister, Amber. And absolutely nobody knew that they were dating.

After what Kira started, neither one of them wanted to accidentally out each other by acting like more than friends. That’s why their little touches and lingering eyes became such an issue. Kira could obviously tell how the boys felt about each other within moments of hearing them interact with one another. What if others could tell too?  They decided that the best thing they could do to keep their secret was to place boundaries between them when they are with other people.

On top of this, Kira is also not letting up on TJ. She is constantly trying to get into TJ’s head. The coach told her that since there is girl’s team, she cannot be on the boy’s team. So now instead of putting her energy towards getting on the team, she is focusing all her time on tormenting him. She will wait for him to be alone and remind him that he is different. She will sometimes bring up how weird it is that he and Cyrus are so close. She would do little things to hurt him. Anything she does in front of others is so subtle, that others don't notice. For example she brings up cute girls while talking to him around other students, and puts him in awkward situations. For a random onlooker, it would look like small talk, but TJ knows she is doing it to get a rise out of him. He doesn't know why she enjoys making him feel bad. The one upside is that Kira has no proof that he and Cyrus are together, so for now at least, his bullying is private. TJ prefers that to the whole school knowing.

He doesn't tell Cyrus that Kira is still bothering him either. TJ does not want  him to worry. Besides Cyrus had his own things to deal with. For one, since they haven't told the GHC(+Jonah), that they are dating, they could not really explain what led to them being friends again. He could feel their glares whenever he would hangout. Part of him gets it though. To them, he was a jerk who keeps letting down their best friend. But nevertheless, Cyrus is now stuck in the middle. He has to keep their secret while defending TJ. Cyrus wanted his boyfriend to be able to hangout with his friends without them hating him, even if they did not know that they are dating. TJ kind of felt guilty for putting Cyrus in this situation in the first place by ever giving them a reason to be mad.

Despite all of this trouble, TJ would not trade this past month for anything. No matter what was happening with other people, when they were alone, it made it all worth it. Sometimes they would escape to the swings, and just spend hours talking, and if they were sure no one was watching, they would steal gentle kisses. Sometimes, they would take over TJ's apartment when both his parents and sister were at work. They would cuddle on the futon in the living room and binge TV shows together. It really didn't matter where they were, as long as they were alone together, it was like they were the only people who existed.

Cyrus really did make him the happiest he has ever been. His beautiful, dorky boyfriend always knew the right thing to say to make him feel like he really mattered. That is why today, on their one month anniversary, he wants to make Cyrus as happy as Cyrus makes him feel everyday. It is a Saturday but he put the first part of his plan into action the day prior.

************

Yesterday had been a particularly hard day for him. Kira was in his math class. Usually she ignored him and waited until after to torment him but that day she started at him early. She had sat behind him. They were assigned some in class problems to do. She was pretty good at math and wanted him to feel even worse. Whenever she noticed he was struggling, she would say stuff like “Only an idiot could mess up this problem” and “Wow these are so easy!” She would only say it loud enough for him to hear.He had been working so hard in math and she was able to dash any confidence he may have felt about being able to do a problem. He ended up losing his temper, crumbling up his paper, and turning in nothing. He could not even look at Coleman as he left.

He had walked home with Cyrus, Buffy, Andi, Marty, and Jonah. Cyrus’ friends didn’t help his mood, but to not worry Cyrus, he pretended to be oblivious.  He could tell the others did not want him there but Cyrus kept smiling at him with his big brown eyes glowing, so he could ignore the annoyed looks. Eventually everyone broke off heading to their respective homes, leaving him to walk with Cyrus the rest of the way to Cyrus’ stepmom’s house. As they stepped onto the porch, TJ nervously smiled

“What is it, Teej? “ Cyrus said as he swung his hand up gently to take TJ’s as they stood across from each other. Both boys instinctively looked around to make sure no one was watching.

“Nothing, Muffin.” He noted the way Cyrus still blushed when he called him that. He liked that he had that effect on the guy that he cared so much for. “I am so happy whenever I am around you.So…” He let his words han in the air for a moment. ‘I was wondering if you would go on a date with me, tomorrow?”

“Like a real date?” Cyrus furrowed his brow in a way that makes TJ swoon every time. Cyrus’ voice though was unsure as he continued. “Aren’t dates out in the public? What if someone sees us?”

“Don’t worry, I have that covered, just be at the bus stop on Main Street at 9am tomorrow, “ TJ saw the look of curiosity in Cyrus eyes as they've stared at each other. “It is going to be a surprise, I know you are going to love it.”

Cyrus smiled and nodded. “Alright I trust you. I have to head in. See you tomorrow?”

“Yea, tomorrow." TJ grinned like an idiot, before placing a light kiss on top of Cyrus’ head, and turning to walk away.

************

The big city nearest to them was about a 30 minute bus ride from Shadyside. That is why TJ asked Cyrus to meet him here at the bus stop.  Cyrus had gotten there at 9am sharp, to find TJ waiting on the bench. He took a seat next to his boyfriend, careful not to sit too close in case someone was watching. TJ turned his head and smiled at the other boy.

"Hey Underdog," He lowers his voice. "Happy one month of officially being us."

Cyrus liked the way that TJ remembered something as small as a one month anniversary. He loved that TJ wanted to make today special for him. He whispers "Happy Anniversary Not-So-Scary Basketball Guy."

Both boys sat in a comfortable silence as they waited for the bus. TJ knew Cyrus wanted to ask where they were going but both boys knew TJ wasn’t going to budge. All he wanted to do was surprise Cyrus with the best date ever. When the bus pulled up to the stop, both boys got on with TJ paying both their fares. He had saved all his money from the gym(he only worked 12 hours a week) the past month to pay for this date. Cyrus was usually picking up the tab because he knew the Kippen family wasn’t nearly as well off as him. But today TJ wanted to handle everything.

As they took their seats in the back, TJ slid into the window seat. He looked out the window and noticed clouds overtaking the sun. Great, rain . He thought sarcastically. He thought about what else may come if it storms. He was a little nervous, but brushed it off. He turned to Cyrus, who was smiling obliviously, and said "There goes that sunny day."

"It is okay, as long as I am with you, it doesn't matter. Today will be great." With that, TJ melted. Cyrus always knew what to say to make him feel better.

************

When they got out the city, it was still so cloudy. It looked like it would storm any moment. TJ pleads with the weather quietly to hold off until they get to where they are going. The bus stop is a block away from where are heading. No one knows them here and TJ is excited to actually go on a real date with Cyrus. He smiles at the shorter boy as they step off the bus. As they stand on the crowded sidewalk, TJ takes Cyrus' hand. He stares for a moment to make sure it is okay. When Cyrus does not pull away, TJ takes that as a hint to start walking. Both boys felt a little braver out here where no one knew them.

TJ pulls Cyrus down the street, weaving in and around people coming towards them. As they get closer to the mystery place, TJ gets more excited, and by the look on Cyrus' face, he feels the same. After a few minutes, the place comes into view. TJ stops at the bottom of a large set of steps. Cyrus' eyes grow large as he looks up at the building before them; The Natural History Museum.

Teej! Really?! I love this place. I haven't been here in years." His eyes light up as he gets more excited. "You are amazing."

"I'm glad you are happy. I figured you could show me all your favorite dinosaurs." TJ smiles softly. "Let's go." TJ pulls him up the stairs. He pulls the tickets out of pocket and hands them to the man near the door.

As they enter the museum, they are immediately surrounded by large skeletons of animals that long been dead. TJ doesn't think he has ever seen Cyrus look so excited. He begins to talk about all the different types of dinosaurs, and the time periods, and everything else that at one point TJ wouldn't of cared about. He is pretty sure Cyrus could make him care about anything.

They wander around the museum for about an hour. Rain had steadily started hitting the rooftop,  the small droplets working together to echo through the museum. It was raining pretty heavy now, and TJ silently began to get nervous again of what will come next. Cyrus noticed the tension in TJ's face and stopped talking about the Allosaurus skeleton they were staring at.

"What is it?" He said quietly to the slightly older boy.

"Nothing..." He lies. Right as the word leaves his mouth, a loud burst of thunder sounds, shaking the museum. TJ instinctively clenches his eyes shut and squeezes Cyrus' hand harder than intended. His cheeks turn red as he notices Cyrus staring.

"I'm sorry..." he whispers, almost too quiet to hear. TJ looks away while still holding Cyrus' hand. Another burst of thunder sounds, making TJ tense again.

"Teej" Cyrus reaches up to his face to get him to turn his head. When he sees TJ's eyes, he recognize fear in his beautiful green eyes. He hates to see his boyfriend afraid. "Are you afraid of thunder?"

TJ looks embarrassed. He can't bring his mouth to form the words he wants to say. He knows Cyrus won’t judge him for something like this. But he is not used to being the one with irrational fears. He wishes he wouldn’t wince every time the thunder boomed. He can’t help it. He has been afraid of thunder for as long as he can remember. He doesn't know what about it makes him feel so helpless. Most of the time, he finds himself hiding under his covers with his eyes shut, waiting for the storm to end. But he can’t do that now. All he can do is try and put on a brave face and ride it out.

Cyrus interrupts his thoughts. “It's okay to be afraid, you know?” His voice is soft and understanding. “I’m afraid of a whole lot of things. Remember the flamingos? That is way weirder” He laughs trying to cheer TJ up. TJ wishes Cyrus wouldn’t put himself down, though. This day was supposed to be all about Cyrus, but here he was trying to make TJ feel better. TJ felt a little bad about that but could not focus on that very long.

The thunder hits again, this time even louder. The storm must be pretty bad. TJ wishes he could disappear so Cyrus wouldn't see him like this. He was supposed to be the cool, fearless jock but right now he felt like a wimp. He wanted to always be brave in front of his boyfriend. Cyrus doesn't seem to care though. He is only concerned with being there for TJ.

Cyrus runs his thumb soothingly over the TJ's strained knuckles. He whispers "I have an idea…", before pulling TJ to a little bench off to side of one of the large skeletons. He pulls out a pair of earbuds from his pocket and plugs them into the jack in his phone. Cyrus flips through his Spotify with his free hand as TJ sits apprehensively by his side, squeezing his hand with every boom from outside. Cyrus settles on a playlist called "Songs That Make Me Think of TJ". TJ sees the name, and for a moment he smiles, before the thunder outside reminded him of its presence.

"Put these on, sweetie." Cyrus says quietly, careful not to draw attention to them. He would hate to embarrass TJ. He knows the other boy is feeling self-conscious about his fear. TJ takes the earbuds and puts them in his ears. TJ trusts Cyrus more than anyone in the world, so he will do whatever Cyrus says. With that, Cyrus hits play and turns the volume all the way up. He takes his other arm out of TJ’s hand and wraps it instead around TJ's waist pulling him close to him, and holding tight like he will never let go.

The loud, bubbly music blocks out  a lot of the noise from the thunder. Cyrus’ arm wrapped around him, pulling him impossibly close, gives him something else to think about.They sit their for a while. Though the museum is full of people, it feels like they are alone there. His heartbeat is still crazy fast, but the reason is much different now.It was no longer pounding because of fear. Instead it is fluttering from the nerves he feels because of Cyrus. He feels so lucky to have him in his life. He blushes as he listens to the songs that he know Cyrus picked out for him.

What he doesn’t notice, is how happy Cyrus seems to be because of him. Cyrus is just staring at  him, smiling as he holds the taller boy against him. Cyrus hopes that TJ knows that this relationship is not one sided. TJ truly makes him happy. That’s why he was so worried when TJ was scared. He never wants fear to cloud over those soft, green eyes. He will personally fight away any fear for his boyfriend.

After about forty minutes, the storm has seemed to pass. TJ had taken to leaning his head against Cyrus’ shoulder, even if some slouching was involved to get into that position. Cyrus almost hates to end this but know TJ has other plans for them. He softly shakes TJ o get his attention. The boy takes out the earbuds and sits up. Cyrus grins and says “The storm is over, how are you feeling?”

“Much better…” He blushes and looks at the ground. “Thank you...for..um...making me feel safe.” TJ internally rolls his eyes at his own words. Why did he say that out loud. He sounded so weak.

“No need to thank me. What are boyfriends for, right?”  Cyrus’ smile could light up the entire room.

“Right.” TJ really can’t understand how Cyrus manages to make him feel so great, even when he wants to feel bad about himself. He thought about telling Cyrus about what was going on at school. He decided against it though. He already made too much of this date about himself. He stands up, and grabs Cyrus hand again. “Let’s get back to these dinosaurs. There are so many you still have not told me about.”

************

After spending a few more hours at the museum, the boys headed to a restaurant around the corner and had lunch. They strolled through the city for a bit before realizing it was close to 5 and that they should be at least heading back to their town. On the bus ride back, Cyrus rested his head on TJ’s shoulder. Usually Cyrus would be worried about this but today he was feeling a little braver than usual.

TJ walked Cyrus home after they got off the bus. Cyrus’ street seemed vacant when they turned onto it, so they risked locking their pinkies together as they walked. TJ felt like he was on top of the world. Even with the thunder earlier, today had felt like the perfect day. He kept shooting glances over at Cyrus, taking in every detail. He memorized the way Cyrus looked right now with the late day sun shining through the trees onto him. He almost looked angelic, like he was too good to be a mere human.

Without thinking, TJ stops and cups Cyrus’ cheek, making it so they are staring at each other. He just needed to get a better look. TJ surveyed every part of the shorter boy’s face. It was like everytime he looks, he finds something else to love about it. He felt like the brown eyes staring back at him could peer into his very soul. The boys stay frozen in this stance until they hear a soft rustle of some bushes. They both immediately retract from each other, and look around. Neither of them see anyone, but they keep their distance the rest of the walk home, just in case. TJ silently beats himself up for slipping like that. He can’t be so careless.

As they step up onto Cyrus’ front porch, they can finally breathe again. They are covered by a large tree in his front yard that blocks parts of the porch. “Thank you for a wonderful time today, Teej.” Cyrus smiles.

“I should be thanking you, You really came through for me today.” TJ used this as opportunity to show Cyrus how thankful he really was. He leans in and brushes his lips against Cyrus, waiting for permission to deepen the kiss. Cyrus responds by pulling him closer, pushing their lips together more. They eventually had to come up for air, and pulled apart.

“Wow, I don’t think I am ever going to stop being nervous when you do that.” Cyrus said blissfully.

“Right back at you, Underdog.”

Tag List" Let me know if you want to be added or removed. @abg-blah @kippens-a-goodman (Did not know if you wanted to be here or just the other story. I will totally remove if you didnt want to be tagged.)

[tamiddyinyourcity]

8:03pm, I did right by myself today.

Friday, Januaty 31st of 2020.

I asked him to meet with me today for food and sex.

He did his usual "get really anxious within the first few minutes of meeting me" thing again. Which just makes me nervous.

Since what the hell makes HIM nervous, man? Not like he doesn't have some pretty valid concerns, but I mean.... hard to tell WHICH hes concerned about... if he doesnt know, and if hes not voicing them.

Is it....

Fear of us eating together being intimate?

Did he read my tumblr again?

Having second thoughts about dicking me down?

Doing that thing where he gets romantically attached and isnt voicing it due to fear of my response? (I doubt it. But, this man is a master of The Dead Pan. Dude could be planning my funeral, and I'd have no fucking idea. I just have to TRUST that this guy is, well, honest about his intentions, and not giving me a run around, yet again.)

Patrick is so...... odd.

Idk, something about his face makes me uncomfortable. He always does this face these days when he's tense, like he's trying to hide a frog in his mouth.

He's the perfect mix of hot, and..... really weird looking.

I can't put my finger on it. Its probably that his skin is TOO clear. And, really really pale. With mild skin dents in it. It reminds me of Pillsbury Cresent Roll dough. And thats a really odd way to describe someone's face. So....... idk.

It's probably also that he just has a neutral expression of discomfort 24/7, so.

Moreso now than before. Not great.

Random good memories that are dead:

I realized today that I stopped receiving good morning texts. Damn. That didnt exactly hurt, but it still hit me like a bus. How did I suddenly stop noticing that I wasnt getting any more "good morning beautiful 😘" texts at 9am any more? Thats..... wow. Huh. I didnt even realize I stopped receiving those. But well, its a past version of him that simply stopped existing for me.

Waking up next to him. Nice.

That time we first hooked up in his car in the woods. RIP to any other motherfucker who has been in his car since then, my ass was all over that fucking seat.... Literally. Even the head rest part. Ahhhh, it was hot.

And so far, that is all.

Now, what happened today?

We met. He was off, and as usual, didn't muster a smile when he had suddenly walked up to me. (Damn, nigga, why even agree to meet if you're gonna look at me like I'm some blind criminal in the street trying to rob you with an unsharpened butter knife?)

But tensions subsided, we got to talking. Idle talk. His new work opportunity, my new job today. ("You ALREADY have a new job???", is a hilarious thing to hear.)

And him showing off his biceps to me.

Daaaaaaaamn, son. They get bigger every time I see those motherfuckers. (Ah yeah, i miss feeling those.)

And the awkward part.... bringing up sex.

He's nervous about talking about banging in public, but it's a good thing I chose the most private and isolated restaurant in all of our damn town.

It was.... okay. I guess sex with an ex is a bad idea, especially if one ex is clearly *fucking nuts*, (no offense, to myself,) and the other ex is *kinda terrible at communicating and lacks consistency in if they want to be around you or not, and, in what way*.

Buuuut the will to give and receive head was STRONG. So, thats all that really mattered.

Bad: hitting up my ex for sex in hopes of our relationship restarting up, through the power of pussy, and emotional connection. BIIIIITCH? WHO DO I LOOK LIKE DOING THAT FOR SOMEONE THAT MADE ME HATE LIFE ALL OVER AGAIN LIKE THAT??????

Good: hitting up an ex, who constantly disappoints you emotionally, for the sake of wiggling his tongue on my clit until I get enough serotonin to last me through my work shift tomorrow.

Plus, its a lot easier to care less when:

You expect a person to be disappointing and confusing as always. As long as you know, no matter what, it doesnt end with a dozen roses at your doorstep. It ends with you going home, freshly orgasmed, and still just as annoyed and indifferent towards your ex as always before. (He's turning into a Marco, or a Crackhead John level, honestly. Not my problem.)

I get to still have an orgasm either way that it goes.

It's not like I wanted it to be a booty call, but that's what it's heading towards.

We discussed boundaries when we first became a FWB relationship.

And it worked, since I couldnt have gave less shits about his friends. And even if there was romantic feelings or whatever; it didn't matter.

Since I would always go, "He leaves in a year or something. I better just act like he leaves in 3 months, to emotionally distance myself. Otherwise, it'll hurt."

Since no way in HELL was I gonna fall for yet another guy just to get abandoned anyways... like Patrick #1. That shit almost killed me. The sad thing is that i am not lying about this in any way, fam. So fucking serious.

Or, "Damn, he was cute. But, he will never be the person I usually expect from men I date."

Since if I wanna get wined and dined or being out here smiling, holding hands, and flirting with someone in my cutest outfits and having romantic flings.....

I can't.... do that, with someone who lacks dating experience, and can't even smile upon seeing me.

....

But, I was surprised. He put in the effort. I opened up some more.... shit went well. Hell, he was perfect. I told him that a lot. Maybe too fucking much.

Too well, and theeen it crashed and burned. (Not inherently my fault, and i still stand by that.)

And, now look at whats happened.

The dude went from eh, to cute, to an amazing boyfriend.... to dead to me.

And now has been reincarnated in my life as "hot enough to bang, and friendly enough to picture a thing with, but waaaay too damaged of a dynamic, and my own heart, to open up to him again."

Which is a lot more complicated of a dynamic than "hot enough to bang, and friendly enough to picture a thing with, but definitely not emotionally vulnerable, caring, intuitive, or wise enough to trust a relationship with."

.....They sound similar, but the key differences are:

He proved that he was 100% an amazing boyfriend. Up until the incidents had happened, and well, now someone who had been a great guy to me...... is a stranger, all over again, and whats leftover is.... wasted potential, and lots of tension around mistrust, and what happened, and... what happens betwern us, from here on out.

He's gonna see other people eventually. Which isnt super great..... admittedly a nice ego came from "whoohoo, i got a cute boy that isnt gonna be an STD risk or mistreat me, drop me like a fly, or be weird! Eyes for only me, fuck yeah!", aaaaand....... now, all of the above are factors now. Gee. Greaaaaaat. Not a great thing, going from entirely unattached to him, to still somewhat attached as a friend and not entirely interested romantically, but will definitely feel hurt if the guy having me on my hands and knees is out here sending good morning texts to whoever new he falls for.

A lot less vulnerability. It's easy to be vulnerable with a guy you don't plan to ever date seriously! But, its impossible to be vulnerable the same way again, with a man who.... yknow, you've told several times your feelings for, who very rudely either laughed at you, lead you on, or straight up coldly told you that the relationship is no longer what he wanted.

....

Going from "cute guy i dont know that i talk to about marxism and sex with", to "the ex i got really strong feelings for, that emotionally annihilated me for the sake of someone else in his life feeling cocky, who i now sit here with at a restaurant, discussing if kissing is off limits to"..... is not a fun transition.

But, he's..... Terrible at.... a lot of things. So, i guess i did what i could, with the image of "just play it by ear, see what happens, and have no expectations from him anyway."

.....

It was fine.

I almost agreed to it, till car sex got mentioned.

....

Here's the good part.

I almost took him up on the offer of leaving the restaurant, where I paid for my own food, to screw his guy in his Prius in the woods for maybe 30 minutes or less, then being dropped back off at home, for him to just instantly leave me on read, and spend the rest of his night at the gym, before getting drunk with Azalea and Chris yet again.

I almost did, for the sake of getting my pussy eaten. A month. Is a long time. For a girl. With a high sex drive.

.....

I excused myself to the bathroom. And in there, I just calmly paced back and forth, and reminded myself of what I wanted....

I wish I could recite what I said word by word, so yall could HEAR how good of a motivational speaker I am for myself.... But, i cant, since I was running on nothing but edamame and a snickers bar this morning.

But in a nutshell.....My thoughts were good.:

You want a friends with benefits that you can hook up with freely.

And one you feel comfortable with.

Sexy with. Appreciated with. Fun, vulnerable, and still lighthearted. One that gives me a GREAT confidence boost afterwards.

So whats sexy, fun, or exhilarating about getting picked up in a Prius, fucked in someone's dirty, dog haired cover car seats.... then awkwardly cuddling with a man that does not truly like you in one of his cramped car seats, with your scrawny, big asses, acting like thats remotely comfortable... Then going home, and getting nothing but left on read, ignored, and depressed again?

What 21 year old man would choose to fuck in his car, when he's got a perfectly empty bed at home to use? A grimey one. That's for sure.

And he's A GROWN MAN. What, he's suddenly afraid AGAIN to pull a "this is tamia, and shes gonna hang out with me this afternoon at my house" on his parents? For fucks sake, I bought his mom a really nice candle for Christmas, I'm pretty sure she's not gonna resent the idea of us banging the same way we always banged before. Nonromantically, and still politely.

He's a GROOOOOWN MAAAAN with a BEEEED who doesnt want his MOOOOOTHER to know he FUUUUUCKS a girl that she had MET before. And for his friends, i get not wanting those nosey mfs to know. But homie.... I don't care if you want to date me or not, but I do care that *I'm* comfortable. And that I get a stimulating, and non depressing, experience when riding you into the sunset.

I'm not gonna risk a ticket or jailtime since an overgrown manchild doesn't wanna go, "oh, yeah, we still hang", to his mom and pop, and actually respect me enough to screw in a bed.... Its not me expecting a wine toast or a blood sacrifice, its me hoping a guy can be decent enough to not want to fuck me over.

Plus, what do I want out of my ideal friends with benefits? Mutually enjoyable conversations, a decent amount of trust, honest, decent sex, and good hangouts outside of that. What am i getting offered? A 20 minute long emotional bootycall fling. Leave, you're the one with the pussy.... dont subject yourself to this shit. Find yourself a new guy who will bend over backwards for even the chance to kiss you, and not this bum ass shit.

So, then I told him how I felt.

In a respectful manner.

Since.... yeah nigga, I'm not gonna have you think screwing me in a Prius is a fine standard. I'm not getting back pains over you. Bedsheets and a mattress are better, warmer, and way less cramped, than him hitting his forehead on the roof, or us getting arrested if we got caught.

Plus.... Straight up... I refuse to fuck any man that has a nice warm empty bed at home, and yet will choose a non-private, cramped, car.... to give halfassed orgasms in.

:/

Yeah.

He seemed pressed, and definitely was frowning, but boo hoo nigga nigga, i do not give a fuck. (Hes hot when he frowns, though. Damn, his eyes make my pussy twitch nonetheless.)

Aaaand yeah, felt good to set standards for myself again.

I did it before, when it came to downgrading us from relationship to FWB when we first met the FIRST time he pulled some shit like this....

And when it came to straight up telling him I felt iffy about things, or questioning his monogamy.

So, i can do it again.

Since.... yeah. Why give myself anxiety or depression and think i deserve so little? Fuck thaaaaat.

Anyway.

I just messaged some other dude tonight. He wants to smash. Thats chill.

See? Its really not hard to find someone else who would wanna bang me, and could find decent conditions for me, as well.

9:26pm. Glad that I didnt agree to something that would have made me feel degraded. Doing good for myself. God bless and amen for that.

Thats all.

Peace out.

[ohleebearjourney]

BM 2017

I need to put it down in writing now before it all dissipates in my mind. It’s been a very long while since I’ve had this moment, after an experience, where I had sat down and just went “wow”. I could not even wrap my head around the reality that I had just experienced. 

Friday (August 25th):

I went to Allan’s place with my belongings and my bike. I had no idea how the fuck everything is supposed to fit in a $300 MVP. I still had my hesitations on going, and even further hesitations on Allan given his unkempt scruffiness and even worse garage. I didn’t understand how this guy could take me to the Burn. I told myself to have faith in Clive. We had a phone conversation about the Burn, a bit of what to expect, Jessica Tan and a bit of Allan right before I got to Allan’s place. Afterward I got to Allan’s, we discussed logistics and what time he should expect me to come to his place. I tested out my camera one last time and had packed the last few things that I needed to put in my belongings. Definitely needed a smoke this night before I went to bed so I can sleep as uninterrupted as possible.

Saturday (August 26th)

I woke up and started packing the rest of my shit into the China camelpak. I started loading my food into a freezer pack/box and got super antsy. My brother wasn’t waking up to drive me and I had even looked up Lyft prices to see how long it’ll take me. Okay, he wakes up and then proceeds to take forever. I get a bit annoyed and impatient. We left around 9AM when originally we had said let’s go at 7. I am two hours late. I am never fucking late. We got to Allan’s place around 9:30. I see that Allan had shaved his head. What the fuck. Okay, whatever, good sign that he’s thinking ahead on that front with hygiene (lucky bastard). We started figuring out logistics and placed the food away in his fridge as much as we can and we were figuring out logistics for ice, which freezer need dry ice. Bought about 100 lb dry ice and 40 lb ice. Went to Stater Bros for food, and then Hong Kong Supermarket for more food (Asian). Went back to Allan’s and started packing everything and everything. I started clearing out all the shit that’s in the front of his car. Whole process takes 1-2 hours. Shit, we’re definitely behind schedule. As we left Allan’s, I had this sense of “holy shit what the fuck this is really happening” coming in at full force. We got on the road. Fuck the AA batteries, texting Clive and asking him to get it since we’re way behind schedule. We get stuck on 60 traffic, yay. Started talking about cars and Allan questions how I got into cars. Drives by my place towards the 60, and then we hopped on the 15. Definitely just had a long ass conversation about cars and about our life the whole way until we made a pit stop at Wendy’s/Pilot to eat. Some lady and man talked about poisonous mushrooms in the gas station and both Allan and I gave each other a fucking “did you just hear that?!” look. Lol. Okay. This is gonna be a fun ride to the Burn. We took off onto highway 395 and rest of the way just bantered about our lives, about others, and then found that we had huge parallels in our lives like the power of Christ compels you type of way. We had also passed along the way where Allan had McGuyvered his MVP last time that he had been stranded. Along the way on highway 395, there was a sign that said “free weed” and we fucking lost it. And before the house, we saw this shady dude walking on the side of the road and I remember Allan saying “That’s it. That’s from him right there.” But we really did fucking pass this house that is painted in marijuana leaves and free weed covering and oh boy. What the hell? Lol. Time passes and the sun is setting. We passed by Manzanar and had mentioned that maybe we should go and check it out when we come back. The roads are getting colder and the elevation is getting higher. The MVP is definitely not made for mountains, but it was doing the best that it could. As we were going towards the road to Mammoth Mountain, we were running low on gas. We had made it to this random gas station stop at 395 to refill a bit before trekking. The gas light had already been on for miles. Pretty thankful that we found that weird ol’ nobody’s here gas station. We continued along the way. We stopped at the next gas station at Chevron. I had asked Allan if he would like me to drive since he’s been driving for 10+ hours now, and he says no he can keep going because marines. Okay, fair enough. Bought a ton of cigarettes and Allan keeps trucking on. We pass by this Walmart and decided to stop there before the Reno one since that would have been a long wait. Glad we stopped by this one. Got the propane tank and other last minute items and went along the way. Both of us realized we forgot one thing that we had mentioned down the road, and we just said fuck it - probably not important. We left and went along the way. I had been dozing off a bit at this point but tried to keep the conversation going so Allan won’t fall asleep. Yeah that didn’t last. I woke up at Reno Walmart so we can grab some McDonalds. Walked in and it was a chaotic line. McDonalds was closed. Noped the fuck out of there and went to a drive thru McDonalds. Allan drove rest of the way and I had just been dozing off, thinking I am keeping Allan company. Got to the road that stretches three towns into Burning Man and I am fucking nodding off like crazy. I remember when we got to the stretch of the road where reception was getting spotty, we were in front of a school bus from Canada. In this school bus were decks of bunk beds that were sprawled out from right and left. I saw a foot and thought it was something else for a second. Reception came and the last thing I could read on Facebook was our camp location. Sick. Allan received a text from Jodie as well on confirmation. Awesome. At some point here, I definitely dosed off but I had remember noticing the different side vendors in the little towns that we passed. Thought it was just strange to go into a world where currency is void and here we are, seeing people spend money on things that they should already have prepared for. 

Sunday (August 27th) 

We arrived at Exodus area at around 4AM-ish and roads were hell-ish and bumpy. You have to go 10mph otherwise a cop will just be right on your tail as soon as you go over speed limit. It was kind of intense. We somehow made it and turned off the car, since it was no longer moving. I had dosed off again and again and again. Each time that I dosed off, I had thought that I was having a conversation with Allan so my mind was definitely disoriented. When I woke up, I remember that a white girl was standing next to Allan’s side door and I was very disoriented and had my guard up full force. What the fuck does this bitch want? She then greets us and says good morning and says it in the most genuine, sweetest voice that I’ve heard in awhile. I look around and realize that the sun had risen, and it seemed like an angel had just woken me up. I looked around. Allan looks at me with this “Are you okay?” look. I was so disoriented because I thought I was already speaking to Allan but it was what my mind was making up as I was dreaming. I took a hard look and Allan got out his car to smoke and chat with people. I felt really self conscious because I realized I had been wearing my Foo Fighters shirt, and something about logos and decommodification made me a bit worried. I worked up a bit of my courage to say fuck it! Got out my Playa coat from the back and wore it to cover it up. Looked out at the sunrise and it was fucking beautiful. I had looked around and there were all smiles, so I smiled back. It felt really nice. I think at that moment, I had a bit of a realization that I have been so fucking grumpy lately, this is my vacation and I should make the best of it. I was still feeling a bit in my shell though, so I was just observing Allan making some banter with these two girls with a Ford Fusion. I decided to jump back in the car and start the engine since the line was kind of moving at this point, inch by inch. Decided to drive it out a little bit and I felt a bit confused with the shifting for a bit, since you know, 2017 car vs 1990s van. We got to nearly the front and Allan took back over the driver’s side. Tickets scanned and the guy looks into our trunk and just asks “are there stowaways ejirjoejsfjso fireworks etc in here?” No sir. Okay, you may pass. Cool. And since the lines were backed up, I wasn’t able to do the initiation as a virgin burner, but it’s totally fine. We got in and the line from exodus to the main road was fucking long. We passed by a few camps and there was a camp called camp half-chub, which Allan was in hysterics. Got to our campsite finally and I started to introduce myself to everyone. There was one asshole in particular that I introduced myself to and his second sentence that he says to me was mouthing “I want to fuck you” but I was playing dumb and saying uhh okay, I don’t understand. And he blatantly says it, and I just totally rejected it. I didn’t want to cause a scene since it is literally the first hour upon arrival AND the car ride was near 24 hours. I proceeded to just shrug it off and help build the set up for the dome. The Chinese, who got their camp set up half ready already, were blasting mandarin pop music and I went over to Allan at one point to say “I thought we had left the 626 man.” I sat down a little bit near the car with Jodie, Nick and Nico after my introductions to banter and chat with them so we can get a bit acquainted. Got back to working on the dome thereafter because I was really ready to contribute to the camp. Helped lay out a bit of the dome after screwing in the planks. I decided to go to the restroom, so I went on a walk to the restroom. After that, I decided fuck it - I’m going to explore. I wanted to find the Daruma for whatever reason, and then I ended up in the middle of Playa with no water. Dumb mistake, I know. But I met these two French guys and this elder woman who were building their art. We had talked a bit and conversed a bit in some French and they gave me a hell of a lot of water. I went back and they were still trying to figure out the dome. Allan joked that he thought I’m already lost. We built the wedding canopy after for the shade structure at around noontime. After that, Nico built his tent that he had purchased from an old school hippie (which, if I recall correctly, was a VW old school tent), and Scott + Jenny built their tent in the same shade structure area. Nick, Allan and I started building the carport at around sun down. I felt like I had not been much help at all because my strength just started depleting. Jodie and Allan had some disagreements on the carport structure, but it all worked out in the end. Nick and Jodie decided to just stay in the trailer and Allan and I separately had our own tents in the carport. I definitely wanted my own tent because I wanted my personal space. Built our tents inside the carport, and in between that had a Shin Ramen cup and I made one for Allan as well. Got Allan some gatorade powdered water, and he was really tired by then (of course, he didn’t sleep for an entire day). I decided I wanted to go out and check out the city myself, so I got on my bike that was unloaded before sun down, and started to go exploring. My first impression of everything? Well, I got lost at first. I was a bit of a darkwad. I only had my headlights with me. At first, I wanted to go to 5:30 & E to find Janet, Viv and Bob, but my route took another turn. At this point, I actually had no idea where I was going, but I was going towards the 2:00 section on J and decided to take streets down. I somehow landed towards 5:30 but I couldn’t see clearly where Eulogy must have been. I somehow ended up on the Esplanade and was so taken aback by everything in a good way, but was SO CONFUSED. There was so many LED lights, music, bass bumping, a ton of bikes, and I was just like WHAT IN THE HELL. I looked around to find out where I can park my bike and maybe do a bit of exploring inside. I walked into the center camp, and took a look at some of the art. The middle section had some naked people doing acroyoga. Cool. Apparently the center camp had drinks, so I decided to buy an iced mocha since I was lacking caffeine and was afraid of getting a headache from the lack of the next morning. Had a conversation with the person manning the line and went to buy a mocha. Gave a dollar tip, and proceeded to look around more at the art. I saw this art piece that invited you to write down something that you wanted to wish for, but instead of that, I had written something else. It was for him. I wrote down that I wish that I can find healing in what happened between us and to find closure. I took a picture of it with my makeshift go-pro (which stupidly didn’t capture), and decided to leave. I went back on my bike and did a bit more exploring. I was so lost my first day, and I decided to just go back to camp and call it a night. I was really tired from the whole entire day, and I didn’t think that I have had enough food or water to sustain much more energy. I went back to my tent, where I had a deflated air mattress because it wouldn’t pump air. Fuck it, I’m just going to sleep in the sleeping bag. To Be Continued.

[suximaxini-blog]

The Tiring Day 1 – LOST IN SEOUL

I planned on writing about our -my sister, Nadya, and I- trip to South Korea since we were back from February. It was merely us two, in a strange nation where we barely talk in our mother tongue (except for the time we spent with one of our friend, whom being very nice as our local tour guide and treated us with delicious food). But, I got very lazy to write. Haha, so me.

So, we went there unexpectedly. One day, my sister asked my mom whether she can go to Seoul, my mom was in the happy and easy going mood to be that easy to agree. Like, seriously…we booked our ticket, made our visa (I needed to go twice since I did not complete something the first time, totally forgot what was it), booked our hostel…mom only gave accommodation expenses, so besides that, it was our money. For 4 days and 3 nights, our budget was so tight that we cannot afford to enter any restaurant since we were too afraid of the price. HAHAHA. Therefore, we were so grateful of our friend who had treated us delicious courses.  

Suddenly tonight, after a hectic Eid day, I spent my leisure time watching one of my favorite TV Program; it is Japanese one called “Why Did You Come to Japan”. It usually broadcasts you some tourists’ stories who visit Japan for some special purposes. One time, they recorded a story of Seba-chan who visited Japan to explore their Ramen, as he spent about 3 months to eat ramen in Japan. First, he used his bike to cut the transport expenses. However, by the time goes, it is hard to maintain its function, I guess, so Seba-chan continued his journey by hitching some random strangers, who happened to know him already throughout the program. Or the story about the Sasebo guy, an Australian man whose main visit to Japan was only to eat Sasebo Burger. The mayor of Sasebo city even making him a special t-shirt with its mascot and make sure he can eat any Sasebo burger for free.

Tonight’s story was about two brother in their first time visiting Tokyo and the older one happened to lost his wallet. His younger only has a debit card but it cannot be withdrawn. They looked so lost and pale. THERE! I saw the resemblance of me and Nadya with that story. HAHAHA. Just the two of us, where we needed (desperately needed) to work together to make the rest of our stay pleasant for both of us. First thing when we arrived in the airport, we thought, or I thought, we still have plenty of time to wait for our luggage after the immigration.

I checked on the screen, to where should we go to get out baggage. I was so sure regarding our gate and told my sister that we need to wait. We called our parents to notify them that we have safely landed. After waiting for approx. 10 mins, I got bored and asked my sister to wash our face and put on a little make up just to lighten up the face (we just woke up and face was definitely inhumane).

We, or I as the eldest, was so clueless…I sensed something was  not right when I saw no one from our flight in front of the moving belt (whatever you call it). Hehehehe, we went to the wrong side. I did not panic because I saw my sister was already in the mode. We walked back and forth to ask someone. We asked several people but nobody can answer us. I was so confident regarding the information I have to find our luggage. I had all the details, but nobody was actually helping. Was it too early? Is 9am-ish early to you? I take note that the airport crew are not that capable of using English language and not (really) helpful. I even asked several times to lost and found counter. Nah, nothing.

Lucky for us, we found our luggage just being thrown outside the belt. The, supposed to be, right belt since long time ago. Just like that. Abandoned. THANK GOD! They were saved.

After that, we followed the itinerary we made and proceeded to ask the direction to buy the temporary SIM card and bus ticket. At the bus counter, the lady who was in charge told me that rather than buying only the bus ticket, I could buy T-money and got a discount for bus fare, also made it easier for us to use public transportation. It cost us, 100.000 Won for 2 cards. Right choice! Buy T-money everyone, at the airport, to make it simpler.

We departed for Anguk. And it was safe until we got off the bus. But, since it is my experience that you read, we lost again. My sense of direction IS BAD. We went back and forth with our luggage and the problem was not that the humidity came from heat; it was the cold we could not bear. I asked several people again with the simple, “Jogiyo? Heoksi, Yellow Brick arayo? Yellow Brick Hostel eodisoyo?”. So sorry, my mind was cloudy and I cannot think of whether it was polite enough. Nadya then took the initiative to ask a grandpa with broken English and showed him the website with picture and address, HE WAS SO NICE, he did not hesitate to take us there. To the front of the hostel, where we need to walk through an alley. We thanked him a lot by bowing with our might, if it was not for him; I supposed we would spend our time just going back and forth with no end.

We stayed at the Yellow Brick Hostel 1. We booked through Traveloka and chose the hostel because its rating and comments, they even served breakfast (sadly, although we paid for it, we’d rather buy onigiri for breakfast because we were always in hurry) and A ROOFTOP! Yep, rooftop was also the reason, although, once again, we went there only twice, the arrival and departure, and you will hardly see mountain. I recommend you this hostel because for the price they give an excellent service in a very good location. It is very easy to reach by subway, like super easy, after I get to know the area. HA!

On the first day, we arrived by Friday actually, I booked a flower arrangement course at Florinn, a flower shop I found in IG. Jenny ssaem, the owner, was a petite young lady whom very passionate with her job. It was very nice of her to guide to her flower shop nearby Ewha University…the uni I once dreamt about. Then again, we were lost, HA! I was just not accustomed to the blocks. We rode a bus, based on what Jenny ssaem and google maps suggested. We found the nearest bus stop and hopped the bus. You know the google maps give several suggestions right? Well, we could have taken the subway, but Nadya was afraid since we saw no station within our sight. Shortly, we rode the wrong direction. We should have taken the other direction with the same bus number and struggling to find the place when we arrived. Nadya was so patient to keep up with the clumsy me. HAHAHA, thank you adek!

I would tell you in details regarding the course later on. Since this post is about ‘LOST’.

We went shopping around Ewha before decided to try subway, aimed for Hongdae. Hongdae (Hongik Daehak) station in Friday night is super packed with people. After a short walk, we wanted to conclude and have a good sleep for tomorrow’s agenda. It was 8-9 pm ish when we took a bus, one we were sure was the correct one. We followed what the google maps said and arrived at, the supposed to be nearest bus stop from our hostel.

I was so confident with my maps, we even dropped by a Nature Republic store to buy wet tissues. We walked and walked and walked and walked, back and forth again…then I was scared to say that maps decieved me. I tried to calm Nadya and changed it into Waze. It was already 10 pm-ish. Food stalls were crowded with people chattering and drinking. I started to panic too, however, it was not the main concern, as we just wish to go to bed. I tried to set my mind straight and followed Waze. BUT! As you know, Waze gives you alleys suggestion, where it directed us to a dark and quiet neighborhood. Nadya was trying hard to object but I insisted that was the way to reach our hostel. I knew it well, she nearly cried, since it was her first time experience abroad to have a vacation and I gave her a bad situation.

Merely with her clumsy sister, she lost. I wanted to cry for different reason, I blamed my self for putting my sister in the situation. In the end, Waze could not give us the direction too, or it could, but we were afraid to follow since homeless men are drunk already.

My phone was nearly died even after an emergency charging. We found a small shop in an alley. Nadya asked me to stop by. I was planning to ask direction since maps could not help me. It was around -5 celcius and we could not think clearly, all we wished was only to reach the bed and tucked ourselves inside the warm blanket.

The owner was an old couple. The grandma greeted us with worries. She cannot speak English, my Korean is limited as I told her that I needed to call the hostel, if only they can pick us up, or at least giving the right direction. She said, seeing two freezing girls asking for help is so pitiful that she agreed to even talk to them! However, nobody was answering our call. Then I asked her to draw us a direction to reach our hostel, she was not sure and asked her husband about it. The husband, I guess, he did not really like us because he raised his tone and giving the body language of letting us be after mumbling the direction.  

The grandma, was an angel sent to us, she was really kind. Despite her husband disagreement, she drew as the easy map, repeated the key store and even took us to the main road. Nadya and I bowed to show our gratitude and even kept the paper she gave to us. The map was so clear, we could easily found our hostel. Well, after several asking again, since Nadya was so scared we would lost again, so she wanted to make sure, we took the right direction.

We finally arrived in our room at 11 pm-ish. The first thing to do, CRYING! We cried and hugged each other as we were so afraid that we would make a headline about being lost here. HAHAHA, then the next thing I do, tell Nadya not to call our parents at the moment, since it could make them worry, we’d better keep it for ourselves, at least until we got home.

Hehehehehehe

The experience, nonetheless, did not make me give up. I even wanted to explore more, to avoid getting lost again. At least, not to our hostel.

((To be continued))