#And wouldn't you know not limiting myself to ''done perfectly'' has gotten me to make way more minis lol

[sysig]

So as it turns out I might miss lined paper a lot actually

[twistedgardens]

Kinktober #8

Usual disclaimer: Jamil is presented as 20 years old because I say so. Minors DNI

Content: non-con fingering (unfortunately, that's about it. I'm not really in the mood to write heavy smut tonight)

Warning: yandere content ahead and all it might entail. Readers are warned that the content contains but not limited to gaslighting, manipulation, implied kidnapping, hypnotism and mind control, imprisonment, heavily implied drugging (there's hints in the story if you know where to look).

Original yandere prompt found here by drxwsyni (iris). Not mine.

Jamil looked over his shoulder towards you. He arched his brow and eyed you up and down.

"I didn’t quite hear that, care to repeat yourself?" Said Jamil.

You swallowed past the lump in your throat. You watched from across the room as Jamil shut the door he just opened and turned towards you. He folded his arms across his chest and pinned you with a dark look. Inside, you shrunk into yourself. Jamil stepped closer. Your heart pounded the inside of your chest. You took a deep breath, and said, "I-I want to go home."

"You...want to go home?"

Jamil was only a few steps away from you now. You braced yourself for anything. He got to about arm's length from you...and stopped. Jamil stood there, staring at you. When someone kidnaps you and refuses to let you leave, it's generally agreed upon that some physical harm occurs. Not so with Jamil. He was a snake hiding in the tall grass and waiting to ambush its prey. His venom sank in deep.

His mouth opened to speak, but a knock at the door stopped him.

"Jamil!" Said Kalim's voice in a sing-song tone. "How's Y/N? Are they still not feeling well? Has she gotten back to her dorm?"

In a hushed tone, Jamil whispered, "Snake Whisper," and activated his signature magic.

His magic filled your brain with sand. Your body moved according his will, not yours. You stared into space while waiting for his command.

"Get into bed and stay under the covers. Do not speak or make a sound," Jamil ordered.

Wordlessly, you walked to the large four-poster bed on which hung gossamer curtains. You slid underneath the covers and laid your head down. To anyone else, you appeared to be asleep. Jamil answered the door.

"She woke up earlier complaining of bad migraine and fell back asleep. It would be best if we just let her stay for the time being. She shouldn't be forced to walk to Ramshackle in her condition," said Jamil.

"Oh? Well, that's a shame. I didn't think she partied that hard. Maybe I should have made her drink more water. I mean, no wonder she's so hungover," said Kalim.

You could have sworn Jamil curse under his breath, "You don't think at all" but Kalim was either not paying attention or too kind to give notice to Jamil's venom. It wouldn't be the first or the last. You lay under the covers staring ahead of you but unable to move. Not even a muscle twitched without Jamil's command.

"We should hurry to the library if we're to get any studying done. Where's your textbooks?" Asked Jamil.

"Shit! I knew I was forgetting something. I'll be right back!" You heard Kalim's feet speed down the opposite way.

Jamil slammed the door shut and cursed aloud now that Kalim wasn't within earshot. He made his way back over to his bed. You continued to lay perfectly still even when Jamil sat down on the bed. He leaned over your body, giving the side of your forehead a kiss. You felt pressure in your head like your brain was being squeezed in a vice grip. All you could hear was Jamil's voice in your ears, in your head.

"When I leave this room, you're free to move about again but you are not to go through that door or escape. You will stay here in my room until I say so," said Jamil.

You couldn't say yes, but you especially couldn't say no.

"When you become less defiant, I won't have to use Snake Whisper so much. I don't like simply having control over you. I need you to want me. For once in my life, I deserve to have something all to myself. Don't you think you're being selfish by denying me what I want? Would belonging to me be that awful?"

Again, you couldn't answer. In your head, you screamed "YES!" Your throat tightened from the strain of not being able to speak.

"Kalim will probably get distracted getting his study materials or running back here. We have some time to kill. Why don't you lie on your back and get comfortable?"

Your body turns over and you lay down. Jamil peels away the blankets and sheets. He glances briefly at the door before turning back to you. You're still wearing the same clothes as last night. It was nothing especially sexy, but it was comfortable, simple, modest. Above all, it was cheap. A simple white summer dress. The bolero you wore hadn't turned up yet. Your shoes were missing. You lay stiff on the mattress, unable to even curl your fingers with the rage boiling inside of you.

Jamil's slender fingers ran up your legs. The calloused pads of his fingers slid beneath your dress.

"You don't know how hard it was to be patient with you. I spent weeks thinking about what I'd do once I got you where I wanted you. I suspected that you had experience before. I didn't like seeing you hanging around all the other dorms. Like they were trying to sweep you off your feet before I even had the chance. I was going to lose you like everything else. Someone was going to take one more thing from me. Last night's party seemed the right opportunity."

His fingers skimmed higher up your leg and caressed your inner thigh. Jamil pulled your legs apart without meeting resistance. How could he? You were under his perfect control. Warm hands yanked your underwear out of the way. The garment was tossed onto a pile of Jamil's own dirty clothes hamper waiting to be washed. He crawled a little ways forward and he began to tremble.

"I've only done this once before with a servant girl when I'd been so pent up with Kalim's antics. I've had to look up on some perverted sites to find ways I'm supposed to please you. I want to make you feel so good, that you can't think of anyone but me," Jamil husked.

His fingers caressed your clit. You couldn't move or cry out. Jamil hadn't given you the order to react to his touch. With experimental strokes, he played with your clit, rubbing it in circles with increasing speed and tightness. Though your body couldn't move, internally, it reacted to Jamil's ministrations by instinct. Foreign pleasure shot down your spine even when you didn't want it to. Something warm and wet was building between your thighs. Jamil rubbed your clit with his thumb as he stroked the inside of your pussy with one finger.

"You're tight. I wasn't expecting that. Open up for me. Let me in. We can only count on Kalim taking forever for so long," said Jamil.

[scripttorture]

Hello! I have a few questions related to your most recent post and the definition of torture. You said:

"A trained person who was never tortured will always out perform someone whose training involved torture."

According to everything else I have seen on your blog, this makes sense - the mental and physical trauma from being tortured have lasting effects which make certain tasks more difficult.

However, this seems to juxtapose certain tropes I've seen in US military training advertisements. For example, "Hell Week" in the Navy SEAL training seems like it would be torture if it was forced upon someone (like if the soldiers didn't sign up for it and didn't have the option to quit.). *Hell Week is when soldiers are training continuously for 5 days in freezing, wet conditions, with little more than 4 hours of sleep for the entire week, under insane amounts of physical and mental stress.

- If someone chose to be tested both mentally and physically, I feel like it wouldn't be torture. However, if the same exact conditions were forced upon someone else (testing their mental and physical limits without their consent or understanding), does your quote above mean that the person who did not have a choice would not reap the benefits of the training/testing? Or would the Navy SEALs be better soldiers if they didn't have to go through 'torturous conditions' during Hell Week, regardless of their choice to do so?

(I used Hell Week as an example, but I meant this question generally. I'm trying to figure out how to best train an elite soldier and avoid any harmful torture apologia tropes, while also making sure that they are able to handle insanely challenging situations)

- My other question has more to do with the definition of torture that you quoted from the UN in one of your master posts. If someone is being seriously injured (pulled fingernails, whipping, starvation etc), but not for the purposes of interrogation, punishment, or intimidation, is that still torture, or is that just abuse? And, regardless of what we call it, would the effects be the same as if it were torture for any of the three motives above?

Sorry if this is long and hard to understand, I can clarify if needed!

It’s not the longest I’ve gotten and it’s perfectly clear, duck*. :) Honestly this is a difficult topic with a lot of nuance, it’s better to take a longer and more thoughtful approach.

 From the stand point of the legal definition and what we study/understand as torture any consensual activity, however extreme, is not torture.

 But here’s where it gets interesting: consent and our attitude to an activity actually changes our response to pain. It may even change how much pain we feel.

 I’m going to take a slightly different example to yours. There are a lot of cultures globally that have practiced scarification, ritual cutting to deliberately form scars. And this can be done for a lot of reasons: membership of a family or clan, coming of age, traditional medicine, religion, you get the idea.

 A lot of people in these cultures describe their scars as incredibly important and the process of getting them as a moving, deep and positive process.

 This does not mean they wouldn’t be traumatised if they were attacked by someone with a knife.

 Being able to approach something painful and see it as positive really changes our perspective. It makes trauma and mental illness a lot less likely. And being able to back out, even if it’s just for a little while to take a breather, seems to make us able to withstand more pain then we would have otherwise.

 The simplest and most famous experiment that dealt with this relationship between our mindset and pain asked people to keep their hands in ice cold water. They timed how long people could do it when they were told to stay silent and how long they could do it when they were allowed to swear. If they swore they could hold their hands under for longer. An average of forty seconds longer.

 Looking back over O’Mara (Why Torture Doesn’t Work, a very good intro to how pain works and what it does to the brain) the way he describes it as by thinking of the experience of pain as a collection of three things. There’s the physical sensation itself, the nerves firing. But there’s also an affective component, how we feel emotionally about the experience and a cognitive component, how we think about it.

 Did you ever play that game as a kid where you stuff as many chilis as possible in your mouth to see who would spit them out first? I… might have done. And from what I remember it hurts an awful lot. But those memories to me are mostly about messing about with my friends, I remember trying to be stubborn about it and I remember us laughing at each other.

 This is a completely different experience to someone being held down and having chili stuff up their nose. But the difference isn’t necessarily in the physical damage done or the physical sensation of pain. It’s in the other components, the emotional response and the rationalisation.

 I also had a filling drilled in my tooth without painkillers as a kid. I don’t know how common this is in the West? It happened in Saudi. Honestly my biggest memory of it is the language barrier between myself and the dentist.

 These are anecdotes obviously but I’m trying to show that you probably also have experiences in your own life that back up the experiments too. The way we think about a painful experience really does make a huge amount of difference. And that means consent matters enormously.

 These soldiers are going into this experience knowing what to expect, how long it will last and that they can stop at any time. That makes a huge amount of difference. Those same factors have drastically increased the time volunteers will spend in solitary confinement for research. I’m pretty sure if I dug even a little I’d find pain studies with similar findings.

 Here’s the flip side: the physical factors are still in play.

 Sleep is an important physiological process that’s essential to normal functioning. Studies on consensual sleep deprivation have shown massive negative impacts on memory along with a host of other things that you can read about here.

 Let’s take a non torture example. A student who stays up all night cramming for an exam is not going to develop the symptoms of trauma that a torture survivors who was sleep deprived would. But the effect sleep deprivation has on memory is due to sleep playing an essential role in preserving memory (and learning more generally.) So they’re both likely to have difficulty remembering things in days just before and just after sleep deprivation. They’re also both more likely to have false memories and catch a bad cold.

 As a result of this memory impairment I question the educational value of anything involving sleep deprivation: you can’t learn while messing up the processes that let your brain remember things.

 There have been cases in the UK of people dying during training for the armed forces. Because while consent makes a huge difference, mindset makes a huge difference- our bodies still have limits. We can choose to push ourselves past those limits and, whatever our motivation or feelings, it can do real harm.

 Personally? I’m unsure of the benefit of these kinds of exercises. As in I’m unsure there is a benefit. Learning is going to be shot, chances of injury are going to be a lot higher- I don’t see anything that could be improved by these sorts of exercises.

 Anecdotally people do report feeling like a closer unit after going through these sorts of routines. That might be the benefit: moral and unit cohesion, possibly self-esteem too.

 If you’re making up something for your story I think it’d be helpful for me to mention a little statistical effect that gets used to justify punishment pretty regularly. Get some dice out if you’ve got them and roll one. Let’s say the number represents performance in some kind of test (because effort and learning matter but our performance also varies because of things we can’t control.) A roll of 1 gets punished, a roll of 6 gets praised.

 Now after you roll that first 1 statistically speaking the chances are your next roll will be better. And if you roll a 6 then statistically speaking the chances are your next roll will be worse. People observe this effect in real life and they often conclude that there’s no point in praising someone but that punishment leads to improvement. Really it’s just a statistical effect, after a particularly, noticeably bad day the chances are things will be better next and vice versa.

 This effect can make it difficult for people to recognise overall, long term progress. Which is the kind of progress you should be paying attention to when designing a training program.

 If you want good performance from people, whatever the metric, the most efficient thing to do is ensure that those people are; well fed, have access to clean water, get plenty of sleep, have breaks and have access to medical treatment when they need it.

 I’d say the main things to keep in mind when designing this fictional training regime are:

Being honest about the effects you describe, ie if they’re spending long periods without shelter are they at risk from exposure? If they’re standing in cold water are they going to get hypothermia?

Remember that even if something is damaging or causes lasting trauma it would not necessarily prevent someone from doing their job. Torture survivors have serious, lasting symptoms but many of them still work.

 I think I’m going to leave that there because I’m not an expert in militaries or training people. And keep in mind that I am a pacifist, read this with my biases in mind.

 Getting to the second question, there is a little more to the UN definition then that. The primary factor is still who the abuser is. For it to be torture (legally speaking) the abuser has to be (or be ordered by) an on-duty government employee, part of a group that controls territory (ie an occupying force). Some countries also count international organised criminal gangs in this definition.

 It’s also important to note that torture can be targetted at someone other then the victim. So if the police arrest the brother of a political opponent and beat him in order to intimidate the politician, that is still torture.

 Basically there are a lot of factors in the legal definition of torture and it’s that way by design. The hope is that you end up with a framework that captures as much government abuse as possible.

 But it also means that there’s a pretty high barrier when it comes to proving torture. Which means that things which are legally torture can be prosecuted as assault, bodily harm or equivalents to these, because it’s easier to get a conviction for those charges.

 Technically you are correct: if abuse done by a government official doesn’t have one of the four motivations in the legal definition (attempts to obtain information, forcing a confession, intimidation or punishment) then it doesn’t meet the definition.

 However in practice I’ve not heard of a case failing because of the motive.

 I’m not a lawyer and I’m not an expert in international law. I won’t say it’s never happened. But it’s much more common for cases to fail for other reasons. Off the top of my head I’d say the most common reason is difficulty proving the abuse took place.

 The most common types of torture today are ‘clean’, a term we use to indicate that they don’t leave obvious marks. If someone turns up with fingernails torn out or the skin of their back lacerated by a whip that is clear physical evidence of abuse. Nothing else causes similar injuries. But if someone turns up at a doctor’s with swollen feet or reddened skin, if they’ve lost a lot of weight or they’re so tired they’re struggling to stand… Well all of those things can be caused by common tortures. But they can also be caused by common illnesses.

 A lot of the deaths from torture today are similarly hard to prove. Beatings and stress positions ultimately cause death by kidney failure. Which can mean that prosecutors are asked to prove a victim didn’t have an underlying health condition. Or take drugs.

 Honestly my instinct is that the motive is the easiest thing to prove. It’s often harder to bring charges against people in positions of authority, regardless of the country we’re talking about. Bringing those charges, proving abuse took place and proving it was done by the person in question, those are usually the tricky parts.

 The difference between torture and abuse is scale. Torture is industrial scale abuse.

 The law doesn’t define that scale but that’s what we’re talking about when we talk about abuse from organised authority. Abusers might have dozens of victims. Torturers have thousands, tens of thousands.

 If you want to explore a different motivation in your story, something outside the legal framework, consider the scale at which this abuse is taking place. Consider how organised it is. If it’s organised and large scale, with multiple abusers, with no prior relationship between the abuser and victims then torture will probably be a better model then abuse. If it’s smaller scale with a more personal relationship and if it isn’t supported by a legal framework/organisation then abuse might be a better model.

 For victims and survivors the difference isn’t so much about the symptoms they personally experience as the… side effect of that scale. Abuse victims are often very isolated and may not know anyone who has had a similar experience. Torture implies a community of survivors and possibly generational trauma. There are also effects to do with access to support, access to medical care and how likely it is that someone will be believed.

 Torture survivors are often systematically disenfranchised in a way that abuse victims are not. Torture survivors are often forced to leave their home country. Anecdotally, based on what I’ve seen globally over the last few years, I think that struggling to get citizenship is increasingly an issue for torture survivors. And without citizenship there’s difficulty finding legal work, getting accommodation, accessing medical care, accessing the legal system etc.

 I do not know whether torture survivors are more or less likely to be believed by their community compared to survivors of abuse. I do not think any one has attempted a comparative study. I do know that the prevalence of clean torture means that many torture survivors are not believed and this puts up a further barrier, making it harder to access medical treatment and bring charges.

 Rejali’s book was published in 2009, so things may have changed a tad. At the time he was writing the average wait for a torture survivor to see a specialist doctor was about 10 years.

 Abuse is to torture what murder is to genocide. And there are difference on a wider social scale as a result.

 I mention all that because I feel it’s relevant but the impression I get is you’re mostly interested in the long term symptoms? In which case, yes the legal definition makes very little difference. The physical injuries caused by particular kinds of abuse don’t change depending on whether it’s a private individual or a police officer holding the Taser.

 The lasting psychological symptoms are not particular to torture; they’re what the human brain does when traumatised. The same symptoms can manifest in people who witness traumatic events but weren’t actually hurt themselves. They can manifest in people who were injured in accidents and they manifest in people who were neglected or abused. Hell, I have a couple of them, though no where near the severity a torture survivors would experience. A sufficient amount of stress is enough for these symptoms to start developing in anybody.

 You can find the general list of symptoms here. There’s also a post specifically about memory problems over here.

 The pattern I describe; that these symptoms are a list of possibilities not ‘every torture victim will get all of these’ holds true for trauma survivors generally. Anecdotally there is some variability with chronic pain being reported more often with some kinds of abuse. That might be because it can have physical causes, psychological causes or a mix of the two.

 Whether it’s torture or abuse there isn’t any way to predict a survivor’s symptoms in advance. Much of the advice I have about writing torture survivors and their symptoms holds true for trauma survivors generally. Which is why I’ll still take a crack at some questions that aren’t about torture.

 Pick the symptoms that you feel fit the character and serve the story. We can’t predict symptoms and that means that there’s no reason why you shouldn’t pick the things that appeal to you.

 And I think I’m going to leave it there. I hope that helps :)

Available on Wordpress.

Disclaimer

*This is a weird English endearment. I had someone ask if this was me trying not to swear. 

[lapeaudelamemoire]

How I feel is one thing - what is good for me is another.

It's so easy to forget that I left for perfectly solid reasons.

You don't leave home unless it's become unbearable, unsurvivable.

Isn't that the same thing?

I just have to keep staying away.

Went back and looked at the reasons why I left in the first place. Why I started saying no. Why I kept trying to leave. Because although you were the one who did the breaking up you were also always the one coming back. But I did leave, or try to, plenty of times.

Tried asking for my things back sent to me after leaving London. Tried saying come back when you're sorted and cutting off contact. I didn't write you last November, you were the one who appeared. I left in January this year. And you were the one who wrote on my birthday, saying you couldn't believe I was just gone and never coming back. And then I left again this May.

Mag says I just left the door open too long.

And I did. I did leave the door open too long. Kept letting you back in, kept replying when you wrote.

But that doesn't negate what you did do that compelled me to leave in the first place. If we'd gotten over those things it wouldn't have ended up like this anyway.

Against all of that is the truth that I do love you, but that has to be the limit of it now. Yeah maybe you said maybe you should start taking your love elsewhere if it still wasn't working for me, and it gives me a pang to think you did say that, but it isn't wrong either. It wasn't working for me.

And I don't think I was wrong, either, to say it wasn't. It would do me well to remember I left finally because you made me a threat. Whether you meant it seriously or not is one thing, but the fact is you made it. And it is funny, you made me this threat in the same message of maybe you should take yourself elsewhere.

Am I really missing out on too much, in reality, in leaving someone who will make me threats on emotional pain?

Whether it was prison rape jokes or wilful blindness to racism, maybe you did see a little more of me, more clearly, than he did, in some ways, both you were selfish, left for good grounds. I don't recall last year or whenever we met again after a long period of not speaking or sundering you asking me how I was doing. Wasn't that one of the things I said to you in that letter in Mandarin? That all through the three months last year of you returning you'd not asked me once? And isn't that just the same as this one who never asked me how I was doing or what I was reading?

I miss you horribly and I dream of our intimacy but I also don't want to kid myself.

If I really look at it clear-eyed it's just been what it always was - a long string of men roping me into painful situations because I wanted to be grateful for the small bits of happiness. But the other half of Aurelius' saying is 'accept modestly'.

I am lonely, that's true. But it's like my sitting at C's gathering or birthday party at 21, listening to everyone talk about JC stories, mute. I didn't know what to say because that just wasn't my experience. But that's not through any fault of my own. And maybe it's just harder for me to find people because I've done things so differently, but enough of this trite tired love.

I've never left anyone out of ill will or malice. And if I ever have at all it'll only ever have been because it was become impossible for me to stay. I need to remember that, even if no one else sees it. I hate to put it this way, but sometimes it's true, you are left with no choice. Die or live? I loved myself enough to say I'll get my hat and go.

I dragged myself half-dead and beaten out of Venice and to Rome harassed, ragged, and exhausted; and I dragged myself onto the bus from Colchester and through the airport alone and onto the plane out of London and I swear to god I will drag myself out of this place that doesn't deserve me even you are as dear to me as the sun. Just like that. I can love the sunlight and it for giving me life, but I can never look full at it, nor approach it too near, nor ever touch it.

I would have been a part of your life if it had been possible. I would have stayed, but I can't say yes. It isn't about what I want any more. It's always about learning to say no.

I will love you till the end of my days. But not speaking to you can mutually co-exist with that.

After all, there is no me to love you with if I run myself aground again.

But so god help me, I will it.