#Aziraphale's guilt complex

[metatheatre]

"But, well...I would always know the stain was there. Underneath, I mean."

[assiraphales]

there has to be some level of guilt layered into aziraphale & crowley’s already complex relationship because, whether he meant to or not, aziraphale planted the seed that led to crowley’s fall. crowley associates the stars at least subconsciously (let’s run away to Alpha Centauri) with his handiwork with beauty to be appreciated and loved and with meeting aziraphale. for aziraphale the stars are a reminder of angel!crowley’s end. 6000 years and counting and I wonder if aziraphale always felt like he stood on uneven ground. like they’d never be stable until he fixed what he did. it doesn’t matter that crowley would have fallen anyways (they never talked about it). and when metatron said crowley could come back to heaven, aziraphale must have thought it was finally his chance to amend the ultimate wrong. crowley, on the other hand, could only be left to think that he wasn’t enough. he would never be enough

[kay-jaye]

bit on the side?

bit on the side?

crowley doesn’t know what the fuck that even means. ok, yes, he’s familiar with the deluge of terms humans have concocted to define the complexity of their relations to each other.

side piece. sneaky link. friends with benefits. fuck buddies. situationship.

crowley knows what it means. he does. but when nina speaks the phrase to him, crowley can’t seem to recognize a single language, alive or otherwise dead, in which the words she says make sense. he briefly wonders if this is his version of aziraphale’s french.

because she’s talking about aziraphale.

aziraphale, the angel. the angel who likes his tea without sugar, but his wine with company. the angel who claims to have a distaste for “bebop,” yet crowley has caught him mouthing the words to queen’s “good old-fashioned lover boy” more than once in the bentley. the angel (bastard) who enjoys subjecting crowley to his magic act antics that under no circumstances would crowley ever admit to finding amusing or, satan forbid, endearing. the angel who popped into paris during the reign of terror because he got peckish for crepes, and even the threat of guillotine in that damp bastille cell could not deter him from baked goods in the end. the angel who still insists on dragging crowley to see productions of shakespeare, despite both being present for the original opening nights of almost every play the man wrote. the angel who is what heaven is supposed to be incarnate—pure and kind and too good for his own good, really.

and crowley is a demon.

he doesn’t think any of the typical labels apply. they’re not human, after all; it couldn’t be that simple. crowley can’t pinpoint exactly when it started or when it changed. 6,000 years is a long history to comb through. it was more than the acquiescence of two immortal beings to the familiarity of each other in a world full of temporary creations. it was more than a bloody arrangement at this point. crowley doesn’t know how it can be more than whatever it means to inhabit the other’s body and walk right into fatal danger, but they are. he’s inclined to cut his losses and say he knew—because deep down, he did know—he’s been fucked since eden and the damn wall and the damn rain he can’t help but associate with revelation.

other people’s love lives, nina had said. love lives. she’s projecting, crowley knows that. whatever’s going on with her and…lydia? linda? they say love makes you blind, but crowley would argue you see plenty of things. every passing glance between sips of champagne; every smile at the crisp sarcasm rolling off a forked tongue; every brush of fingers over the exchange of a briefcase full of books, the shaky grip on a tartan thermos, the drunken grab for another glass of wine across the table. silly things. things that aren’t there. for all the times aziraphale has implored him to read more, crowley swallows the urge to say he already reads into things more than he should.

he’s imagined it before; what it would be like to have more. a fair share of people have made assumptions about them in the past, though he’s not sure whether aziraphale has picked up on it, but that’s not why crowley suddenly feels as though armageddon is upon them once again. never has someone alluded to anything as…intimate as “hooking up.” crowley can brush away the implication that they’re together, but something screeches to a burning halt the moment nina insinuates what crowley’s only ever allowed himself to think about when he’s laudanum-level drunk and lonely because he has a greater chance of not remembering in the morning.

he remembers though. that’s usually when the guilt kicks in, when he’s hungover because he forgot to miracle the alcohol out of his system before passing out, and the headache pulses with the constant reminder that aziraphale is pure, pure, PURE. nothing he imagines on those nights is pure.

what gave him away? and if nina can see it, can aziraphale?

[kwehrkychocobo]

Crowley Complex

I'm the Crowley, or black sheep of my family. I felt that final scene so strongly... and there's still a teeny tiny part of me that still feels like Aziraphale...wanting to believe that maybe...if I'm good enough, work hard enough...I can change things... and heal my family's toxicity and stop them from hurting people and one day help them choose love instead of hate. I keep watching the final episode over and over because it's like watching my own inner battle play out in front of me with such ferocious clarity that it takes my breath away. it was like free therapy for me. I had been debating on going back to my toxic family for a visit (or rather, was being guilted into the idea)...and the final episode saved me from making that mistake again. And I will forever be grateful to Neil and the cast's perfect performance for that. I'd rather be a demon than a pawn of the Metatron.

[absolutelymarshmallow]

This is my favourite scene in the show

I never noticed how complex Crowley’s outfit is in this scene. There’s red embroidery, a black sash. The rob itself is supposed to be rough, heavy, grey.

However, in the first scene in the show, Aziraphale’s robes are light, white, cotton, gold embroidered, and two-pieced. A poncho, and a skirt. His outfit is supposed to look generic, like an angel uniform. Heaven adopted this odd, manufactured, cold neatness after the fall. 

Crowley’s outfit after the fall is more like a dress. It’s being held together by the black sash. It also looks more fitted to his body, and this makes me suspect that he made this himself. The Color scheme is also fitting to his hair.

Crowley had always been naturally dramatic, everyone knows that. However, I think this is his first minor ‘fuck you’ to hell. The heaven Color scheme is grey, white, tan, gold, and primarily purple. However, before, it was primarily gold and white. Aziraphale has ways opted for golds and whites as well, but he also has a love for browns and blues. This is how you know it’s a heaven uniform.

Hell’s color scheme in the beginning is yet to be observed but it’s probably not grey, black, and red. Those are all Crowley’s colors.

He’s been separating himself from hell since the very beginning. I say *first* ‘fuck-you’ because he had been wearing these robes before he gave humans the apple: an accidental good deed, the original good-natured rebellion.

Aziraphale has been accidentally doing ‘bad’ (or minorly negative) things since the beginning as well. He got caught up trying to save an angel, he gave away a sword, and most importantly he the concept invented war and weaponry in the human history.

I think this scene’s importance gets lost on a lot of people.

Aziraphale shielding Crowley is also very, very important, no matter how adorable. He, at this point, remembers Crowley. He looks guilty, nervous even, when he sees him slither up to him. Not just because he’s a snake, but you can see there’s something small and personal that he’s trying his best to hide. I think he knows.

Then, he learns his name for the first time, it just happens to be his demonic one. He never mentions his angel name, *never*, because he doesn’t know it. But more importantly, he doesn’t want to offend Crowley.

And yet they have a meaningful conversation, which is !also! very important. The first time he meets him as an angel,  Aziraphale looks like he’s flustered and smitten. He fell first, literally and figuratively. However,  Crowley isn’t at all interested in making conversation with this angel. He’s just excitedly talking about stars. Which, I admit, is adorable, but it wasn’t in any way of meaning other than that’s when they met.

Aziraphale realises how this *new* first, important conversation is utterly vital, in their relationship. Crowley is interested in Aziraphale, and he *does not remember him* at *all*. To Crowley, he’s lost all his memories now, which he regains later over a few millennia. I suspect, he’s regained all his memories by the book of Job, which is why he acts how he does.

Crowley falls in love immediately. Angels, fallen or otherwise, have shown him nothing but disrespect since he fell. And here’s this Angel trying to help him. Aziraphale indeed has guilt, but seeing someone he knew like this, wiped clean and ‘disfigured’ (or, beautiful), makes him realise what the fall actually *was*.

Just think.

An innocent star maker. And now he sees Crowley, the *real* Crowley. He’s witty, and fun, and outward. He’s making conversation, he’s comforting, he’s sarcastic.

He’s a real being.

And how neat.

So, he holds on. He shields him. Like he was shielded before, equally innocent and new to the universe, as Crowley’s now new to earth.

He sees himself.

Aziraphale is a lot more mature with how he treats Crowley in the beginning than people realise, but he loses that later once they start forming their own side, also in the book of Job.

Emotions are complicated. I know I’ve been talking for a long time, but I think it’s neat is all.

[zionworkzs]

Alright, let's talk about this scene in S1 Ep3:

Let's take this line by line, shall we? I added in some stage directions so we can see the acting choices alongside the dialogue (because this scene!!! this scene!! there is so much unsaid and communicated via body language).

*Crowley gets into his car and Aziraphale miracles inside*

C: *surprised*

C: What are you doing here?

A: I needed a word with you.

C: What?

A: I work in Soho. I hear things. I hear that you're setting up a...

A: *looks at Crowley*

A: caper. To rob a church.

C: *looks away from Aziraphale*

A: *concerned* Crowley, it's too dangerous. Holy Water won't just kill your body, it will destroy you completely.

C: *annoyed* You told me what you think. 105 years ago.

A: And I haven't changed my mind. But I can't have you risking your life. Not even for something dangerous. So... *pulls out thermos* you can call off the robbery.

C: *looking at Aziraphale, clearly surprised*

A: Don't go unscrewing the cap.

A: *not looking at Crowley anymore*

C: *looking between the thermos and Aziraphale* It's the real thing?

A: The holiest.

C: *attention fully on Aziraphale now* After everything you said?

A: *nods, still not looking at Crowley*

C: Should I say thank you?

C: *still looking at Aziraphale*

A: *pointedly NOT looking at Crowley*

A: Better not.

C: Well, can I drop you anywhere?

A: No. Thank you.

A: *briefly glancing at Crowley*

A: Don't look so disappointed.

A: *looking away again*

A: Perhaps one day we could, I don't know. Go for a picnic.

A: *looking at Crowley now*

A: Dine at the Ritz.

C: I'll give you a lift. Anywhere you want to go.

*silence, and the longest amount of time Aziraphale looks at Crowley this whole scene*

A: You go too fast for me, Crowley.

*both looking at each other for a beat before Aziraphale exits*

OKAY SO HOLY HECK

I feel like this scene gets boiled down to THAT line we all remember (and we'll get there), but I feel like the whole scene and the context is so so important if we want to understand THAT line.

So the background info:

1862 AD - London, St James Park: Crowley asks for holy water.

1941 AD - London: Aziraphale meets with Nazi agents inside a church. Crowley swoops in to save the day (and the books). We have the magic show and the lovely candelit dinner afterwards.

This scene takes place in 1967 in Soho, London presumably.

So, since 1862 when Crowley first asks, Aziraphale has been thinking about this request of his. Aziraphale presumes in 1862 that Crowley wants the Holy Water as a "suicide pill," and Crowley never corrects this assumption.

So, Aziraphale is under the impression that in 1967 he is giving Crowley a tool to use for his own destruction, if it comes to that.

He goes against Heaven and, from our understanding, steals Holy Water so he can give it to Crowley.

The implications of this are DEEP and COMPLEX. Because this is the FIRST time we see Aziraphale directly go against Heaven without any kind of moral out. He isn't saving Job's children. He's literally defying Heaven to protect Crowley from doing something stupid.

It's a purely selfish action that directly goes against Heaven.

This is HUGE for his character. And as I've talked about a bit in this post, I think by this point, Aziraphale was fully aware he was in love with Crowley.

This, THIS, is proof of his devotion to Crowley. Going against Heaven overtly to supply him with something he believes Crowley will use to end himself.

You can see Aziraphale's guilt and concern in this scene simply through how he choses when to look at Crowley and when to not (michael sheen, I'm in ur walls).

He looks at Crowley concerned when he talks about the church heist. He says as such. That he thinks it's too dangerous. He pointedly DOESN'T look at Crowley once he hands over the Holy Water. Like he can't bring himself to come to terms with what he's done. (Looking out for the person he loves by giving them a means of their own destruction.)

And this little interaction:

C: Should I say thank you? C: *looking at Aziraphale* A: *pointedly NOT looking at Crowley* A: Better not.

He doesn't want Crowley to thank him for what he perceives to be a sin. For giving him the ability to end himself. It hurts Aziraphale to think about. I think, even being in the car near Crowley hurts Aziraphale then.

Then we get the exchange at the end.

Crowley offering to drop Aziraphale off, which the angel denies.

Aziraphale clearly reading Crowley's disappointment and offering a fantasy of the future he doesn't believe they have in an attempt to cheer the demon up.

A: Perhaps one day we could, I don't know. Go for a picnic. A: *looking at Crowley now* A: Dine at the Ritz.

He looks at Crowley for the briefest of moments when he says "dine at the Ritz."

These things that Aziraphale is offering are normal, human pastimes. Nothing grand or overtly romantic. Just, a picnic. Dinner. It goes to show us how deeply Aziraphale loves humanity and recognizes that same love in Crowley (even if their love presents itself in different ways).

He's saying: one day, when I'm not me, and you're not you, we can do the things humans do. We can be simple.

And then, of course:

C: I'll give you a lift. Anywhere you want to go.

Crowley says this line almost desperately. He wants to stay in this moment. He wants to draw it out. This moment where this angel he's befriended cares for him so deeply that he'd risk everything.

I haven't talked much about Crowley in this scene because at this point in their relationship, and I know this is controversial, I don't think Crowley is in love with Aziraphale here.

I talked about it in the aforementioned post, but it's my interpretation of Crowley's character to be naturally distrusting of others. Which makes sense given his history.

I don't think he's in love with Aziraphale in 1967.

But I think he recognizes Aziraphale's love for him, even if only for the briefest moment. He sees Aziraphale's willingness to save Crowley from himself and knows that there is something there.

But he is SCARED. Big scared. And he doesn't know how to deal with the influx of information being presented to him.

And I think he reads between the lines of Aziraphale's words. He hears Aziraphale say: one day, when I'm not me, and you're not you...

I'll give you a lift. Anywhere you want to go. Is Crowley saying: You're saying we have to be different people, but we don't. I can take you right now to a picnic, to the Ritz. Nothing has to change. We can be us.

And Aziraphale says:

A: You go too fast for me, Crowley.

You go too fast for me, you treat life like a speedrun to get to the good parts. Hell, Crowley slept through the 19th century because he wanted time to move forward. Aziraphale recognizes this. He's in love with this demon who won't slow down and appreciate the mundane, human things that Aziraphale treasures. He goes too fast. He never settles down.

And I think this is a gross misunderstanding of Crowley's character on Aziraphale's part. He thinks Crowley is too fast and never settles down. Changes his hair, his clothes, his accent. But the clothes and the hair are all set dressings to Crowley. They are distractions from how set in his ways he truly is.

Crowley is s l o w to everything.

So slow that it scares the shit out of him and he overcompensates by re-inventing his image every chance he gets. He wants to blend in with his surroundings so he can be just like everybody else.

It's a deep self-hatred most likely instilled in him since before his Fall. He was not good enough for Heaven. He isn't bad enough for Hell. He can't even pass as a human because of his eyes. He doesn't fit anywhere.

So he could never fit with Aziraphale.

He doesn't even see it as an option.

Not yet, anyway.

Aziraphale misunderstands this as Crowley being unable to take time and care and put work into things that truly matter. Aziraphale thinks that they can't be together because they are too different. No matter how much he loves Crowley, Crowley is, and will always be, just a few steps ahead of him. He will always be just out of reach.

This scene is Aziraphale's confession and subsequent realization that they can never work.

This scene is Crowley understanding Aziraphale's feelings and his inability to process his own.

This scene is devastating. Because it's another miscommunication. It's a clear example of how these two understand each other, and, even after 6000 years, don't understand each other.

[extraaa-30]

Why soft dom Aziraphale + bratty sub Crowley appeals to me

(be serious though they're both switches)*

Soft Dom Aziraphale

1. heaven

An angel is supposed to be the pure one, undefiled, meek, following orders without question, the girl to be got, the prize to be sought after, the white to be soiled. Subvert it! Aziraphale shouldn't be confined to an eternity of zero agency, naivety, and bland pastels. The idea of Aziraphale getting to really own his "bastard" side, getting to be "selfish," be demanding, be in control--delightful.

And, Aziraphale has guilt complexes on his guilt complexes. Because, unlike most of humanity, he is intimately aware of the righteous, pitiless violence that heaven is capable of. And he's made an art of subtly and ceaselessly defying it by being gentle, by demonstrating enormous restraint. He is a warrior who gave away his holy sword. He swerves severely in the direction of being reserved, harmless, feels clear guilt about any strong desires or direct asks. He has an obvious anxiety about excess (the mental acrobatics he does to justify his book collection, for example, are an entire circus). Free him from the fear of going too far!

2. the effeminate gay man

Thee Southern Pansy, "gay as a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide," with the fancy clothes and prim and proper aesthetic, ever the damsel in distress, flamboyant and limp-wristed, the one who is called slurs by children, the one who is sunshine and sweetness, "the nice one."

Except we know he is secretly a bastard! We know this bitch has preferences! Let him own that! The fact that he is effeminate should not automatically make him more submissive I literally hate that. On the inside Aziraphale is cunty and commanding and he should get to be!

3. with Crowley

Let him say what he craves directly so help me god! No double-speak, no games, no lustfully looking but then looking away immediately. Let him consume. Let him indulge in the gluttony he endlessly flirts with yet denies himself out of guilt and fear. The idea of Aziraphale as a gentle dom just seems so healing, like a puzzle piece that finally gets to click into place without shame.

-------------

Bratty Sub Crowley

1. hell

A demon is supposed to be the impure one, the defiler, the temptress, the seducer, the villain who takes, the black that soils. Subvert it! Crowley shouldn't be confined to the tropes of his demonic nature. He does not just take, just ruin. He is not inherently the one with experience while Aziraphale is the naive, pure little virgin. The idea of him being submissive to an angel (well...to this angel) is a delicious way to challenge that narrative.

And oh my god my girl has trust issues. As a demon his mentality is severely no allies, watch your back, the one who was cast out, rejected for a first offense, shaky ground, always in danger. He's not supposed to trust others, and he has legit biblically valid reasons to be wary and paranoid. Free him from the fear of trusting someone else to take control!

2. Mr. Cool

Mr. Bond, suave, smooth, stoic, sharp angles, stylish and slick, so very dangerous and criminal, the one with the car, the rebel, the snake. Compared with Aziraphale, he's supposed to be Mr. Hardass, "not nice."

Except we know he is secretly a disaster twink, 110% a soft sad little loser under that facade (and not buried that deep either)! He is a romantic who, in spite of hell, wants to give his angel chocolates! Let him own that!

3. with Aziraphale

Let him be unequivocally, unambiguously wanted oh my god! No guessing games! No trying to decipher what the fuck Aziraphale is really saying to him! Free him from the fear of always being "too fast" or "too late." All this bitch wants is for Aziraphale to be pleased by him, by Anthony J-acts-of-service Crowley! The idea of finally allowing him that...another puzzle piece. So satisfying and healing and safe.

-------------

*They're switches your honor

1. "our side"

Not heaven, not hell. Not angels or demons. Not all black or all white. If you think they don't switch, you're wrong.

2. weight & gender

Aziraphale is bigger and keeps his hair short and has a steadiness to him and all those things are perceived as more masculine by some and therefore stronger and more dominant. Fuck that! His size also is too often viewed as something unattractive, which--extremely fuck that. My boy is a treat and a catch. He should get to feel pretty and soft in a totally uncomplicated way as often as he goddamn wants.

Crowley is skinny, often has longer hair, has an absolute treasure hoard of gender, and there's a flightiness to him that's perceived as more feminine by some and therefore weaker and more submissive. Again I say fuck that! His slimness likewise is too often viewed as more desirable, more malleable and able to be cowed; to which I say: die! He is no dainty flower. He actually can often be commanding and capable. Take him seriously.

Furthermore: Aside from the obvious fact that weight, gender, and d/s all have jack shit to do with each other, subverting these tropes remains as important as subverting the other ones. Aziraphale should get to feel delicate and wanted just as much as Crowley. And Crowley should get to feel powerful and in control just as much as Aziraphale. To deny either of them those experiences...bad! Shut up!

3. Crowley & Aziraphale

Their dynamic is already basically gentle dom Aziraphale & bratty sub Crowley. Like literally inches below the surface lmao it's not that hard to spot (see: Az pouts about paint on his jacket, Crowley instantly rushes to fix it but in a cunty way; Crowley pins Az to a wall and Az isn't even slightly intimidated or out of control).

The problem is, they're not talking (see: Az can't ask directly; Crowley has to act tough). Which is why I personally feel that a more honest d/s dynamic, with all that unspoken ritual out in the open, would be an enormous relief for them.

That said, it's not fair to confine them to that familiar dynamic! Crowley isn't a sad wet rat all the time-- let him plan things and have them work out for once. Let him be (on purpose lol) successfully seductive! Likewise Aziraphale deserves to let his fucking hair down. Let my girl not have to do everything in this goddamn house! He deserves to not have to be the one in control all the time. He has trust issues just as deep as Crowley's, and equally deserves to feel safe and wanted.

Also Aziraphale is too much of a hedonist to not want to try everything. If you think he's sticking with one dynamic you are a fool. A clown. As my French-speaking 6,000 year old middle aged babygirl would say: an imbécile.

-------------

I wrote this for me, but if you read this far I hope you enjoyed it lol peace & love on planet earth

[psychoticpossums]

Good Omens Season Two Finale Rewrite

Crowley stared at the man in front of him. Could he truly believe what he was hearing? It felt like his soul had shattered deep within himself.

“Oh, we're better than that, you're better than that, Angel! You don't need them. I certainly don't need them! Look, they asked me back to Hell, I said no. I'm not gonna be joining their team. Neither should you.” Crowley could feel the resentment that he had for Heaven and ‘the Metatron’ grow more fiercely as he looked at Aziraphale, his angel.

“But... Well, obviously you said no to Hell, you're the bad guys. But Heaven... Well, it's the side of truth, of light, of good.” Aziraphale held so much hope that Crowley would see that he only wanted to make Heaven good enough for him. Make Heaven see that it was wrong to make Crowley a fallen angel in the first place.

“When Heaven ends life here on Earth, it'll be just as dead as if Hell ended it. Tell me you said no. Tell me you said no.” Crowley hated feeling like he had to beg for anything, but none of that mattered in this moment. All that truly mattered to Crowley was Aziraphale. If he had to beg for him to see how much he meant to the demon, then that’s what shall happen.

Aziraphale held a look in his eyes that was foreign to Crowley.

“If I'm in charge... I can make a difference.” Aziraphale only wanted the best for everyone. Especially Crowley.

“Right. I didn't get a chance to say what I was going to say, I think I'd better say it now. Right, okay, yes, so… We've known each other a long time. We've been on this planet for a long time. I mean, you and me. I could always rely on you. You could always rely on me. We're a team, a group. Group of the two of us. And we've spent our existence pretending that we aren't. I mean, the last few years, not really. And I would like to spend… I mean, if Gabriel and Beelzebub can do it, go off together, then we can. Just the two of us. We don't need Heaven, we don't need Hell, they're toxic. We need to get away from them, just be an us. You and me, what do you say?”

“Come with me... to Heaven. I'll run it, you can be my second in command. We can make a difference.” Aziraphale knew what he was asking would be difficult for Crowley to comprehend, but he needed him. Maybe more than he needed Heaven.

“You can’t leave this bookshop.” You can’t leave me!

“Oh Crowley. Nothing lasts forever.” The angel had a sad smile on his face as he looked at the astonishment on the demon’s face. Crowley looked past Aziraphale and put his glasses back on. The last thing he needed was for Aziraphale to see the tears welling in his eyes.

“No. No, I don’t suppose it does. Good luck.” And with those two words, Crowley could practically hear his heart crack as he pushed past Aziraphale to make his way out of the bookshop. As he was racing out, the demon’s hand was grabbed and the angel pulled him to himself. Aziraphale looked into the eyes of his stunned demon and decided that this was as good of a time as any. Before either of them knew it, their lips were touching. The emotions in the air were a complex swirl of adoration and hurt, guilt and giddiness, and most importantly, passion and desire. The two pulled back to look the other in the eyes. Before Crowley could say anything, the angel embraced him and started speaking.

“Heaven isn’t worth having if I have to choose whether or not we are in each other’s lives.” Aziraphale had tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. He couldn’t imagine his life without Crowley in it.

Crowley couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He finally won. He didn’t need Heaven. Crowley didn’t need Hell. They only needed each other. Crowley let a tear fall as he pulled his angel impossibly closer to him. Aziraphale had chosen him, and that’s all he had ever wanted.

After Aziraphale made it clear to Metatron that he was no longer interested in the position, (which Metatron didn’t take very well), the angel and demon pair sat together in front of the pond. Crowley had a bag of frozen peas in one hand and in the other was Aziraphale’s hand.

[tartanbowtie]

Good Omens Heaven Is a Cult

In Good Omens, Heaven is a cult. A religious cult.

And Aziraphale and Crowley are not on the same page about this.

Crowley was cast out of the cult for (presumably) openly questioning it, and sees it for what it is. He is still deeply traumatised by the experience (we see it with his houseplants, his reactions to rejection, to forgiveness, etc), but he has shed his identity as a cult member entirely. He isn't that angel anymore, nor does he want to be. 

He has been forced to depend on another cult—Hell (which has some elements of a commercial cult, multi-level marketing style)—but very clearly resents having to do so. He isn't a demon by choice, and when Beelzebub offers a deal to welcome the former demon back, he tells them just where they can stick it. 

Aziraphale, on the other hand, is uncomfortable with Heaven, aware that it isn't nearly as good as it's supposed to be. He has distanced himself from it, but he hasn't left it, and he still can't admit to himself that it is a cult. He rationalises and makes excuses and uses mental compartmentalisation to deal with the massive cognitive dissonance. While he enjoys the relative freedom he's had after Heaven partly disowns him after Armageddidn't, he is still, deep down, in its clutches. He believes that underneath all the atrocities, Heaven is still "the good guys", and craves being welcomed back, because he still identifies as a cult member an angel.  And he carries his own religious trauma.

This is why he fundamentally can't understand that it is unthinkable for Crowley to return to the cult Heaven, to give up his independence, his identity, and become an obedient cult member angel again. He still thinks that Crowley, deep down, craves to be accepted by the cult again. And he really doesn't understand how hurtful his continued insistence on this is to Crowley. 

Crowley understands all that. He sees it, and he knows that you can't argue with a cult member to make them see that the cult is a cult, that it's toxic. It's something they have to discover for themselves. He knows that trying to force Aziraphale to see is most likely just going alienate him and drive him back into the arms of the cult (although he's so desperate in the final fifteen that he does just that).

He's been trying for 6,000 years to nudge Aziraphale into a position where he can make that discovery and admission, patiently offering the tools Aziraphale needs to get there.

And it seemed he was getting somewhere. Especially after Armageddidn't.

But then the Metatron showed up, expertly using cultish mind-control techniques to reel Aziraphale back into the cult.

Others have described the Metatron's manipulation tactics in great detail (here's a great YT analysis), so I'll just give a few examples here:

"I am your new best friend"; love bombing; threats, over-the-top promises

denigration of the past self; emotional unfreezing; heightened emotion

And finally, information compartmentalization; not letting you see the big picture until you are "ready" to accept it, or it's too late for you to back out (this is where I think the Metatron makes his fatal mistake, but more on that later)

The Metatron skillfully plays on Aziraphale's millennia-long cultish conditioning to sacrifice his own wants and needs for the cult's Greater Good, his inferiority complex, and his genuine desire to protect and make right (he is a guardian angel, after all).

Paradoxically, Aziraphale’s love for Crowley makes him more susceptible to the Metatron's manipulation: He wants to keep Crowley safe, from Heaven (the Metatron's implicit threat), and from Hell's retribution (a danger that was always there, but which has become more tangible after Shax' threats). And as Supreme Archangel, he really believes he would be able to protect Crowley—if they're together in Heaven.

The Metatron's (insincere) offer to restore Crowley as an angel preys on Aziraphale's own guilt at (he believes) having caused Crowley to Fall. He sees a chance to make amends and right a wrong, to restore to Crowley what should never have been taken from him: his rightful place in the cult Heaven. Because as I said, he doesn't understand.

But Crowley doesn't know that this is what's going through Aziraphale's mind. Or, his capacity to understand is effectively short-circuited when Crowley’s own religious trauma makes him think Aziraphale is saying he isn't good enough for Aziraphale the way he is.

Nothing to see here, just an ex-cult member a fallen angel reenacting his religious trauma

Unpacking all the miscommunication going on in the ineffable divorce scene needs its own post or ten, or a hundred. But for the record, I don't believe in the coffee theory, the time-manipulation theory, or the body-swap theory. Or any of the other theories that make this anything other than the heartbreak of two people deeply in love, hurting each other because of a complete breakdown of communication caused by unresolved trauma.

So Crowley drives away, gutted by the experience of laying his heart bare for Aziraphale only to be rejected, and of seeing his life companion choosing the cult over him, of going to the one place he cannot follow. I'm worried for Crowley. Yes, he is, at heart, an optimist. But how will our hero cope?

And Aziraphale is devastated, too, at having his outstretched hand slapped away, at having his own oblique declaration of love denied, at Crowley running away from them, from responsibility, again.

But still, this is where I am hopeful. Because Crowley's patient nudging hasn't been in vain. Aziraphale has already stopped the end of the world once, and he was the one who convinced Crowley to continue fighting long after Crowley would have given up (guardian angel, right?). 

I know, I know. Aziraphale didn't listen when Crowley told him "When Heaven ends life here on Earth, it'll be just as dead as if Hell ended it." But that's because he didn't know, then, what Crowley knew: that this was what Heaven was already planning at that very moment, and that the reason Heaven went after Gabriel was that he tried to stop it (Aziraphale probably still thinks it was for loving a demon, which further colours his thinking). Crowley never had the time to tell him. The Metatron saw to that. It's always too late. 

Or is it?

The Metatron has just told Aziraphale about the Second Coming, sure in his belief that he is "ready" to accept it. But Aziraphale isn't ready. He is appalled, shaken to his core. I think this is the moment the scales fall from his eyes, and he finally allows himself to see that Heaven is a cult. A destructive religious cult. And now, everything clicks into place for him. At last, Crowley's words and actions make sense. And our determined guardian angel starts making his plans.

I don't know what Aziraphale is planning, if he's going to tear down the cult from within. But I think the Metatron is about to find out that evil always contains the seeds of its own destruction.

[thiswomanshouldbewriting]

I, for one, CANNOT WAIT to see Aziraphale and Crowley forced to work together to stop armageddon in S3, except this time they are divorced.

Give me the two of them begrudgingly cooperating when they're both still so hurt. I want the heartbroken glances from afar, I want the tension of "I love you, but you rejected me", I want the desire mixed with anger, I want all of the complex feelings that will come from a breakup like this and, when they finally start to see how the other was right, I want guilt to stall them some more. I want to suffer with them as they are forced to work together while trying to ignore the building tension between them, until they finally break in episode 6 and we get a scene that is somehow even more intense than the S2 finale.

It's gonna hurt like a bitch and I CANNOT WAIT.

[the-blackdale]

Do you ever think that Aziraphale is so often seen forgiving others (Gabriel, Maggie, Crowley) because he thinks that's the best thing someone could do for him and fix whatever guilt complex he is stuck in.

[adverbian]

If anybody is having Aziraphale Defense Squad feelings, may I humbly offer my fic Confiteor? (Rated Mature; 3000 words)

In this one, Aziraphale’s own guilt complex has all the Bad Aziraphale Takes, and Crowley is single-handedly the entire Aziraphale Defense Squad. (It gets angsty for a while, but I promise there is a happy ending.)

Excerpt:

This place is full of ghosts.

Time is just another dimension, they say. We trail our pasts behind us, a series of still frames. Trapped in amber. Turned to stone. Every lonely night you walked this floor. Every time you sat in this chair and wept alone. Every time you broke his heart. If you could look back over your shoulder, back along the arrow of time, you'd see them.

Since the night they’d won, the night they’d come home again, the night they’d fallen into each other’s arms for the first time — these last months had been so wonderful. Aziraphale had believed they could be happy, now that they were free.

He should have known. It had been too long. It had been too much. It was too late, after all. He’d done too much damage.

Crowley would always keep coming back. No matter how many times Aziraphale hurt him. And Aziraphale always had hurt him. He always would hurt him. It was what he was.

He knew what he had to do.

Read more on AO3

[fuckyeahgoodomensfanfic]

Good Omens Fic Rec: Dream A Little Dream Of Me (series)

The reality of Aziraphale parting ways with Crowley was a difficult reality to grasp, and so the demon decided he’d rather escape it through picking up an old habit he had long since abandoned; sleeping. The trouble is, the angel is just as present in his unconscious mind than his conscious one. Meanwhile, Aziraphale, with the angelic ability to visit people in their dreams, has decided to abuse that privilege despite direct orders from Heaven.

Length: 22,927 words

AO3 Rating: Teen and Up

Best for: Safe in Public, Slight Angst

Triggers: Temporary Character Death (ish)

Read it here, fic by lavender_mo0n

*Minor Spoilers* This one broke my heart and put the pieces back together so very softly. In this series, we are post-S2, and Crowley is hiding from the world, asleep, and as usual, he dreams of his Angel. They travel through their history together, and Crowley is honest and open with the Angel in his dreams. But soon, the lines between dream and reality start to blur. I don't want to spoil any more of the plot for you, so I'll stop the summary here. I really didn't know how things were going to play out, which made it all the better, so I want the same for you.

There are some really excellent insights and ideas here. I was particularly interested in this version of Saraqael, who is a complex ally. I know there has to be a ton of interesting things happening with her that happen "off-screen" in this story. I find myself wondering what her deal is and what her plans are. There's also this line from Crowley that stuck with me, “You lot think that you’re so pure and good,” he sneered, “but the reality is that when you cause pain to someone trying so hard to live their life in your image, it hurts just as much as if a demon had done it.” And oh boy, does that sum up my feelings on religion. There are also some musings on guilt and forgiveness that really spoke to me. I love that they force each other to slow down and work out negative feelings together. They both try to hide and repress their feelings and are both prone to thinking they don't deserve good things. Thankfully, they can now teach each other that they do deserve to be safe and happy.

Safe in public, but it's a perfectly mellow and dreamy read so I suggest being somewhere comfy with a big blanket. Some slight angst, but this isn't a heavy story really. I love how it ends, they still have some healing to do before they're settled. But now they can relax, and find peace. Even though this is a series, it's really one work. Make sure to read every part and in order!

Read it here, fic by lavender_mo0n

[stranger-in-glasses]

I’ve been thinking about Aziraphale’s motivation to protect Gabriel when he shows up on his doorstep helpless and with no memory of himself.

Aziraphale is a very complex character torn by internal conflict, and it is logical to assume that behind each of many of his decisions is a whole set of different and often contradictory motives.

The most obvious part of Aziraphale’s drive to help is simply his compassionate nature. It’s the same drive that made him give away his sword to someone who “was having a bad day”, lie to save Job’s children, or forgive Maggie’s rent. And I’m certain that this was a huge part of why he decided to hide Gabriel, but I think there is more to that decision.

Another aspect of his motivation is probably his ideas of what he should do to be “a good angel”. Certainly, he is aware that the bosses of Heaven view what “a good angel” is differently is this case. But his understanding of what it means to “be good”, while highly influenced by conformity and obedience to authority, is still different from the more conventional understanding of the Heaven’s officials. For example, his idea of “being good” includes helping those in need. It also includes following orders and submitting to the will of God, which often comes into conflict with being able to help those in need, and he has a very hard time resolving or even acknowledging this contradiction. But what he is certain of is that he wants, no, needs to “be good”. It is his purpose and his duty, and the foundation of his identity. He probably feels that he needs to “be good” to deserve to be at all.

Yet another possible aspect of his motivation is his relationship with Heaven’s authorities. Gabriel is his former boss who has bullied him, reprimanded him, guilt-tripped him, made him self-conscious (“lose the gut”), and whose approval Aziraphale has been trying to achieve for thousands of years. Aziraphale may hate Gabriel and think that Gabriel is awful, but Gabriel is still an authority figure for him. Has been for too long a time to unlearn this conditioning in just a few years. So, when Gabriel shows up asking Aziraphale to take him in, the angel does. There might even be a touch of response to abuse at play. When a person lives a long time in an abusive relationship with someone and escapes, and then the abuser comes knocking at their door, many people will open because this is what they have been conditioned to do for many years.

On the other hand, deciding to hide a former Supreme Archangel on the run, who is likely in big trouble with Heaven, is also an act of rebellion. I suspect that, within Aziraphale, there has been a lot of dissatisfaction with Heaven and anger at it accumulating for thousands of years, hidden and suppressed. And a growing desire to rebel against it—a desire that he would also never acknowledge, even to himself. And when the opportunity arose to do something like hiding his former boss on the run from Heaven, that desire to rebel could have pushed Aziraphale to do it. All this may seem contradictory to the previous two motives that have rather to do with conformity. And yes, it is contradictory. It is a reflection of the internal conflict between the desire to belong, to conform, to be a good, proper angel, on one hand, and the desire to rebel, to speak against Heaven’s wrongs, to break free and just be allowed to exist in peace on Earth, without the weight of duty on his shoulders, on the other hand. So yes, paradoxically, it is possible that Aziraphale helped “Jim” both because of his tendency to conform and his desire to rebel.

Finally, I think Aziraphale couldn’t bring himself to send Gabriel away because he looked at him in his current state and saw himself reflected in that. With horror. He saw an outcast angel, on the run, in trouble with Heaven, either being punished by Heaven already or trying to escape from its punishment. I’m sure for an angel who, by all logic, should have fallen many times already (who “lied to thwart the will of God”, who gave away his sword, who formed a bond with a demon and wanted for this bond to grow even deeper, who helped stop Heaven’s plans for the Apocalypse, who indulged in earthly pleasures…), this hit very close to home. He looked at Gabriel, helpless, naked and vulnerable, robbed of his memories and forced to rely on the kindness of strangers, seeking a place to hide, and he saw his own very possible fate. It’s like staring in the mirror that shows you everything you have ever been terrified of. This could have just as easily been Aziraphale, knocking on strangers’ doors asking for help. So, I think that a big part of why Aziraphale could not say no to helping his former boss is that he looked at Gabriel and saw himself.

Naturally, there may be other motives that also played a role in Aziraphale’s decision to protect Gabriel—this is not an attempt to give an exhaustive account. And Aziraphale himself is probably only partially aware of his motives as well. What I want to convey by outlining this is just how complex and full of contradictions his motivation could be.

Update:

I forgot to mention another very important motive that could be in part responsible for Aziraphale’s decision: curiosity. We all know that Crowley is driven by curiosity, by desire to know more than he is allowed: he has fallen for asking too many questions, after all. But the desire to learn, to investigate, to explore is also very strong in Aziraphale. He reads tons of books, he tries out various human experiences, from food to art, he very enthusiastically plays a part of an investigative reporter and searches for clues. A naked amnesiac Gabriel on his doorstep presented a mystery, and mysteries and the desire to solve them seem to be quite tempting for the angel.

[alargehunkofdebris]

Aziraphale’s Want Vs Need

Hello I must once more dive into Aziraphale’s character, because he’s such a complex case and I love it. I feel him on such a deep level, and I don’t want his character summed up as “an idiot, currently, for doing a dumb thing.” Crowley can absolutely feel that right now, but we’ve got the benefit of watching from a little farther away.

It is want, verses need, okay? Oldest story arc in the book.

And what Aziraphale wants (not knowing what he needs yet) is for things to finally be easy.

From the beginning, Aziraphale has not had things go easy. Neither has Crowley, but in a different way. For Aziraphale, he has been trained for his whole life to view God and Heaven as good, above all. And until he met Crowley, he’s never really had to challenge that belief. Even if he might’ve had some thoughts himself, he’s never said or heard anyone say them out loud.

And then here’s Crowley, a fellow angel, unashamedly pointing out the flaws in God and Heaven’s logic. From the moment Crowley first started asking questions, Aziraphale was there with a worried expression, pumping the breaks, trying to shave the edges off of Crowley’s defiance for fear of someone overhearing. Crowley has had it rough on the outside—no question, much rougher than Aziraphale—but he’s never been the person to censor himself, or to deny how he feels. That’s what lead to his fall, but it’s also what made him much surer of himself, much stabler, much less stressed about his own morality. He’s got it down pat. Even as a demon, he’s not bothered about breaking the “evil” rules—he’s worried about consequences, and doesn’t like being called nice, but he’s never battling with himself. He knows who he is. And he never has to feel guilt about rejecting his side, because his side is (mostly) awful. It’s Hell. No one is supposed to like Hell, that’s it’s primary function, to be hated. If he breaks a rule, he’s met with punishment, but he’s never punished inwardly.

On the other hand, Aziraphale has been trained to view any defiance of Heaven’s methods as sinful and wrong. There’s no wiggle room – you either agree, or you’re not an angel. And yet, he is faced, again and again, with examples of Heaven’s decisions being cruel, unjust, contradictory, uninformed, and just plain hypocritical. And every time, he’s forced to make that justification—it’s all ineffable, and he’s just not at the level at which he can understand. And any time he makes a decision that contradicts Heaven—the sword, the children of Job—another stone of guilt is added to his load, because even if he instinctually feels it’s the right thing, he’ll have that lifetime of training screaming in his ear, “No, you idiot, you traitor, there was a reason this was done, and you’ve ruined it.” Nothing is easy. No matter what he does, it’s never easy. His guilt comes from so many sides, but it’s all cumulative. All he feels is that ever-present weight, and he’s felt it from the moment Crowley introduced him to the concept of doubt.

So, when he’s offered the job in Heaven—to be the one making the rules, the one who can decide what is good—it’s the first time, ever, that things simplify in his head. With him at the helm, “good” can actually mean “good.” No more uncomfortable contradictions, where killing children is somehow both evil and God’s will. His logic will be sound; it will withstand scrutiny. He will allow questions because he’ll have answers, and if he doesn’t, he’ll learn the best answers. Finally, things are making sense. Things are becoming easy.

And Crowley…ah, Crowley. The biggest contradiction. A demon who is simultaneously sin embodied and the purest source of good in Aziraphale’s life. A person he should hate, but instead loves. That, too, can be made easy. He can make Crowley an angel again—he can restore Crowley to his true form. And there’s nothing complicated about working with, but most importantly loving another angel. It is, finally, how it should be. It will be so, so easy. No more guilt. No more weight.

And so, what Aziraphale thinks he wants is for things to be “easy.” But that’s not what he needs. Because in his vision, “easy” simply means “being myself while still pacifying Heaven.” And unfortunately for Aziraphale, this is just not possible. He’s chronically attaching his own morals to a corporation that lacks any scrap of it, but who simply has a God-level PR firm. It’s as oil and water as you can get, but Aziraphale keeps stirring. And unfortunately, he’s idealistic enough to fall for one more lie, because he craves the easy existence he never got—not one free of work, but free of mental burden as an angel of God.

This is still possible. This easing of the mental burden. But it won’t come from an easy solution. He doesn’t need things to be easy in the life he’s always known—he needs to unhitch himself from the life that’s made things hard. He needs to let go of any lingering hope that Heaven and God have something up their sleeve. He needs to fall.

Perhaps he won’t fall completely, or technically—there will probably be some lost paperwork that means he can keep the keycard into Heaven—but he will absolutely have to “fall” from his mental title of “Angel of Heaven, as it currently is, and of God, as She currently paints herself.” He tried being both himself and this impossible paradox of “Angel Who Does Evil That Is Somehow Good(?)”, and he’s failed. He will always fail.

Consequently, he also needs to do the one thing he’s both very good and very bad at doing. He needs to trust Crowley.

And he finds it oh so easy to trust Crowley when the decisions are simply regarding his own life. He trusts that Crowley will come to his rescue seconds before death. He trusts Crowley, a person who’s not held a gun in his life, to shoot him in the face. But the moment it comes to Heaven, Aziraphale shuts down. Because Heaven has done a very good job at selling itself as the most important thing in the universe. Of course Aziraphale would see his own life unimportant compared to Heaven. It’s what he’s learned.

But now, after 6000 years of proof that Heaven is not some all-knowing place that “does the right thing, in a way you just can’t understand,” Aziraphale needs to trust the person who’d clocked it from the start. Even if Crowley isn’t always right—he’ll always need that pull from Aziraphale to land on the best patch of middle ground—Crowley is still forever pointing in the right direction.

The final step to Crowley won’t be an easy one. It’s a mental step much bigger, much tougher than Crowley ever had to make. His fall was due to a simple question. A slip of paper in a suggestion box. There wasn’t this threat of losing angel status, of being cast into flame; he never even thought the punishment existed. It wasn’t a question of renouncing Heaven and their corrupted concept of “good” entirely. And Aziraphale has had many more years of brainwashing, gaslighting, and fear making this final step as hard as possible. But once there, Aziraphale’s mind will clear. For the first time in 6000 years, the shouting will disappear, the stones will lift, and the tension will slacken. Things will be easy.

[everysongineverykey]

until i reblogged that gomens/tumblr posts gifset yesterday i have to say it never even occurred to me that people saw the bentley changing in aziraphale's presence as the car changing itself for him because it was psychically connected to crowley and thus loved aziraphale... like that did not even enter my mind even once. i don't personally believe it, is the thing, but i'm fascinated that people saw it that way.

to me, the bentley isn't changing itself. aziraphale is changing it. crowley asks what he's done to it and demands he "change it back", after all. aziraphale transforming the bentley into something more his style- something cute, gentle, sunshine yellow, travel sweets, classical music, incapable of speeding- read to me as a reminder that though aziraphale loves crowley, he still has ten guilt complexes stacked on top of each other about not being good enough, pure enough, holy enough, and thus trying to convince crowley to become like him under the assumption that since that's what aziraphale wants, surely it must be what crowley wants too. aziraphale is still insecure about being seen associating with something so dark and edgy, so he compensates by trying to make crowley and his car as good, as innocent, as "pretty" as possible. to me, at least, that's far more interesting than just "crowley loves aziraphale so much even his car wants to look pretty for him".