#BUT I WAS THE HAPPIEST THAT I HAD EVER BEEN JUST BECAUSE I WAS GODDAMN EXPRESSING MYSELF AND CONNECTING WITH OTHERS

[skinnypaleangryperson]

Busting a lung because the whole Joker Arthur thing was cringe as piss all, despite being one of the most beautiful healing times in my life. Still embarrassing cringe as possible can be.

[mickyschumacher]

𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬.

this post is for my sanity but here is a list of drivers i think embody childhood friends to lovers simply just because (not proofread at all):

oscar piastri. so so so obvious. everything about him screams it. so attentive to everything about you and so goddamn proud of you. definitely only smiles like an idiot around you. refuses any other claims of smiling made by anyone else. the happiest when he's with you. enjoys watching you do something your passionate about. more certain about his feelings (and yours) than you are–like a hundred percent tells you out of the blue and is very persistent on them. like he's not shy about his feelings. but madly blushing and giggling to himself when he's with you. big on hand holding, hugging, cheek kisses... as discussed, he ain't shy. nicole probably tried to get you together first but oscar got embarrassed until he realised he needed her help. has a soft spot not just for you, but your entire presence in his life. oscar also likes to plan his dates with you. anything that makes you happy makes him happy.

mick schumacher. this is also obvious. you and mick have known each other your whole life. rumour has it you were born in cribs next to each other. you both know everything about each other. there for each other's most awkward, saddest, angriest, scariest, funniest moments. not sure if your feelings are real bc everyone from michael and corinna to your grandma has been planning for the both of you to get married. very much a blushing type of guy. he'd happily sit and listen to you yap. enjoys spending time with you no matter what. horse riding, picnics, lunch, long drives... mick would pretend they were dates until he actually told you he liked you. maybe this sounds crazy, but a pinky holder. like before you got together... this drove him crazy. such a simple act but he loves it.

paul aron. the endless nights you spent with each other as children in estonia... they were magical. all summer, you were off to the beach or walking around in the warm evenings to cool off. paul is very much in love with you and has been since he first met you. he tries to play it off, acting all cool about it and what not. "oh her? yeah she's my best friend." very happy to have you as his best friend–definitely brags about you. reality of his pretence: he is an absolute mess around you. always smiling here and there resulting in his brother ralf questioning him. thinking about you 24/7. aka very attentive. if you get sick, absolutely will not stand for it. he enjoys taking care of you. other than being in estonia with you, his favourite time with you is go-karting. teaching you what he's passionate about and then listening you lecture him about how worried you always are... it grounds him.

patricio o'ward. ah pato. the very personification of optimism itself. another one who isn't shy about his feelings but gets shy. he can't help it. how could he not love you? you were the best thing that had ever happened to him. pato loves teasing you. always claims you're smiling because of him, that you're blushing, and, wait for it... that you love him. go figure! (doesn't deny anything when people mistake you for a couple.) pato likes the domestic things with you. yes, he absolutely cherishes seeing you at his races. but he likes when it's just you, him, and norbi. like watching norbi run around the house with muddy paws and you're chasing norbi. loves cooking with you and yapping about the past. secretly enjoys when you and his sister gang up on him because he knows how much elba cherishes you. the best thing, however, is all those things in mexico. p.s. he fake proposed to you when you were kids. has the recording of it and intends to play it at your wedding.

charles leclerc. childhood lovers - CL... it's meant to be. pascale endorsed the idea early on and charles thought his mother was crazy. you were his best friend... you and him? surely not. but then he started seeing you differently. suddenly your smiles were making his heart skip. looking down at your teary-eyed face from a podium made him malfunction. the warmth of your hand was a feeling he yearned for as you consoled him. suddenly his platonic 'i love you' made him breathless and he would spend days learning how to breathe again. you always caught his lingering gazes, immediately for you to look away which got him grinning. was literally told not to tell anyone about signing with ferrari but how could he not tell you? waited for his first win with ferrari to actually tell you he's in love with you. (arthur and lorenzo had never been happier because they had been telling him to do it for years on end.) charles honestly doesn't know how formula one will go for him but he had planned his entire future with you in it. likes to carry a ring around with him because he's always waiting for the perfect moment to pop the question.

© 𝐌𝐈𝐂𝐊𝐘𝐒𝐂𝐇𝐔𝐌𝐀𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐑

[erwinsvow]

STOPP it’s so bad, on one hand you have your dad questioning your spending habits, you’ve never really had super expensive tastes. So he’s just worried about you, ya know? It’s expensive being an adult, and he’s just worried about his little girl!

And on the other hand you have a boyfriend who has too much money, and loves spoiling you, and it’s not like you can say no to him when he gets you lil gift. So you just flutter your eyelashes and say it’s okay ☺️ to both of them, like you weren’t in bed with Jack that same morning—like he’s not thinking of putting the fattest rock on your ring finger here in a few months 😩🙏🏻

exactly!!!! Robby’s like maybe it’s because she has a big girl job now but I know she doesn’t make enough for that??? meanwhile jack abbot is the happiest he’s ever been since he started working at the hospital and no one is putting two and two together (besides the loyal night shift nurses who won’t ruin jack’s happiness for some gossip. plus they think the longer it takes before Robby finds out, the funnier it’ll be.) and fuck the day you have to work the day shift with your dad and it’s just not the same without your boyfriend at every corner and midnight coffees and finding moments to talk in between patients. jack shows up for the night shift and kisses you when you’re getting ready to leave and you both freeze because FUCK!!!! maybe like dana and mel and santos see and you’re just like… sprinting away and leaving jack to deal with it😭 Robby comes back like hey where’d my kid go! jacks like man why would I know that?!?? santos giving him the side eye and then when Robby walks away she goes I didn’t see a goddamn thing. Can I do a chest tube?

[moonflower91]

"One, or three or six more..."

sequel to "I have a wife?!" mentions of a difficult pregnancy and homophobic parents

You were released that same day in the early afternoon with a prescription for antibiotics, stool softeners, and Tylenol. Nat helped you hobble tot he car, and handed you the pillow she'd brought from home and held your thigh the entire way home.

She even helped you lay down in bed because your belly still felt like you'd been hit by a car. But, despite all that, you couldn't help but feel emotional, tears in your eyes and falling to trail into your hair as Natasha sat beside you in bed.

You were thankful when she wiped those tears away with a gentle hand.

“Sweetheart, it’s okay, I promise. You’ll be able to hold him again in a few weeks.”

"I know, it's just...I feel like I'm missing out on him already." You missed your squishy little baby with his sassy expressions and the way he always looked up at you and Nat when he ate. How could you do that now when you struggled holding a goddamn pillow against your middle?!

"It'll be okay. You're his momma, he can't ever forget you. You're his first memory."

“I’ve literally been stabbed, and you’re telling me it’s okay?!" You snapped, and then immediately regretted it when the pain flared hotly. You sniffled, and then you felt bad again for another reason. "I can’t hold my own baby and-and what if he starts crying and I can’t comfort him? And giving him a bath! And-and feeding him?!”

“The doctor said it was okay, and you can pump too. You’ll still be able to cuddle him.”

"And I-I cant even be a good wife. You're so busy and now you have to take care of an invalid and an infant."

"You are far from an invalid." She assured, once more brushing away the tears that fell. "And I married you. I vowed to take care of you, sickness and in health. This is that part. Let me do my part and take care of my family."

A long silence passed, and while that made you feel a little less guilty and useless, you couldn't help but grumble out, “This fuckin’ sucks.”

“I know. Fucking gallbladder.”

“Fucking gallbladder. Remember that bitch tech said I don’t fit any of the 4 F’s for gallbladder issues? While I was in literal agony.” It could almost be a compliment, but you had felt nothing but offended as the organ God gave every person in the world, acted like it hated you and wanted you dead.

“She was an asshole. What were they again?”

“Forty, fat and…well the other two were female and fertile. And I was definitely fertile.” At that time, you had been five months pregnant and had had to suffer an agonizing six more months because the doctor said she couldn’t operate and take the stupid organ out until 10 weeks after birth. She kept morphine orders in place for you to go up whenever the organ acted up.

“Yeah. I’ll take the next baby, okay?”

You couldn’t help but smile at her. Henry was more than enough for right now, but the promise still made you feel warm inside. She'd wanted this life with you, she'd assured you more than once, and wanted babies with you.

Sometimes, you couldn’t believe you were here. With Natasha, in this beautiful house with a nice yard and a nice green fence with a baby. And still idly planning for more babies one day.

“I love you so much. We could live in a cardboard box right now and I’d be the happiest woman alive. Just as long as you and Henry are with me.” You murmured, pressing the pillow a little more firmly into your healing middle. The nurse had been right about the pillow helping.

“I love you too." Nat's eyes were warm. "More than flying.”

With another smile, she leaned down and planted a lingering kiss to your lips.

But, that stupid lingering worry for your baby boy was ever present in your mind. And you were getting the sneaking suspicion this would be a permanent condition associated with motherhood. “Are you sure Bob’s okay with Henry right now?”

“Positive. Guy is having the time of his life at the cafe by the beach with him right now.” You opened your mouth, and Nat good naturedly cut you off. “He’s got his hat on, his socks on, those cute little gloves on so he doesn’t scratch himself and Bob knows to keep him in the shade. He’s his godfather for a good reason, sweetheart.”

“He’s not letting anyone touch him is he? C-cause you know, germs and all that.”

“Baby, they’re okay. I promise. We gotta focus on you, right now. You just had surgery.”

You hummed in agreement. “All things considered, compared to giving birth, this is a cakewalk.”

Natasha cringed, but her hand still found yours and you were struck again how perfectly they just...fit together. You’d met her three years ago after being ditched by your friends at a bar, and had been crazy about her ever since.

This hand had held yours across a scratched bar table. Held yours at the movies. Held yours when you introduced her to your parents--they hadn't known you were attracted to women, and had been frankly terrified of their reaction. It had been explosive, but Natasha had made that time manageable. You might not have had your parents for a while, but you had her.

And when the time came, she had held your hand when you asked her if she would marry you.

She had held yours in a church, and held yours when you found out about Henry’s existence.

This hand held yours a thousand times before, and would a thousand times again and you intended to never let go.

“Not looking forward to that part.” She admitted, remembering the screams, the grunts, the clink of medical instruments, the smell. But she remembered the first cry, too. The happiness that just burst out of her heart to look at her family’s new addition for the very first time.

“I know.”

“Henry should have a sibling one day, though.” Natasha was an only child, and you knew that she’d felt lonely after her parents cut her off when she’d come out to them. She'd been there when your parents said to get out and never come back, but your parents at least came around. Hers never did. She would never discard Henry as her parents had discarded her, but one day, the two of you would be gone and she never wanted her baby boy to feel alone in the world.

“One day, baby.” Suddenly, you grinned cheekily. “Oh my god, babe. Our kid is gonna be a terror to the other kids. You remember how he rolled his eyes at Bradley?”

“It’s because you call him ‘chicken boy’ when he’s not looking.”

“If anyone can handle being called that, it’s him. Henry is gonna be tough, but he’ll be protective and loyal. ‘Cause we’re protective any loyal. And loving, he's gonna-he's gonna be so full of love. I can already see it. And if we have one, three or six more kids, Henry will not ever be alone.”

[measuredingold]

seneca

author’s note: hello hello ! trying something new and wanted to make something a little bit more … angsty ? 🫣 as always i hope you all enjoy and feedback is always appreciated. loosely inspired by seneca by movements.

pairing: nicholas ruffilo x reader

cross posted on ao3

word count: 2.7k

cw/tw: angst, hurt/…possible comfort?, past relationship, open ending, 18+ mdni

When he sees you, Nicholas thinks his world comes to a full stop.

It's been three years since he's last seen you, three years since the last time he's spoken to you. It was weird seeing you here at this coffee shop that the two of you used to frequent so often together, knowing you weren't meeting him there. You look good, you always have, but you seem to be glowing now. Skin full of life and the happiest smile on your face when you're conversing with the barista behind the counter and -

Oh. His eyes move down to your hand and that's when he sees it. The diamond that sits prettily on your left ring finger, the sun catching it just perfectly as the light hits off of it. He feels sick again, stomach twisting.

You looked so fucking happy. He's not sure you'd say the same if you ever looked at him.

It's bittersweet, he thinks. On one hand he's happy for you and loves the way that ring adores your hand. He always knew you'd look good with a diamond. Another part of him is sad - heartbroken - knowing that it wasn't him who gave it to you. He could have, though, because all his life plans had always included giving you his last name.

Nicholas doesn't remember why he never did it when he had the chance. It couldn't have been the fear of rejection. You loved him just as much as he loved you, it was obvious. You even outright told him whenever he did it, your answer would always be yes because it was always going to be him.

What stopped him?

Was it the fear of this being permanent? Was it the fear of never being enough for you? He doesn't know, but what he does know is that he lost his chance three years ago, and there was no way of him ever getting it back.

He brings his long forgotten coffee to his lips, face twisting at the lukewarm taste. He'd spent so long watching you that it cooled down too much for his liking. It's fine, his own fault. He'll still drink it. He watches you brush some hair out of your face, tuck a loose strand behind your ear before observing the area around you, and he feels his heart nearly drop out of his ass.

Nicholas hopes you don't spot him but he knows you will. He used to know you like the back of his goddamn hand, so he knows what you're doing. You're scoping the place out, finding somewhere to sit, and he knows he's in your spot. It was his spot at one point in time.

Tucked away into the corner of the shop, a wooden bookshelf next to the table, a big window overlooking downtown. It was perfect, far enough from the hustle and bustle of customers coming and going. You and Nicholas used to sit here for hours, him sketching out a new tattoo for a client and you catching up on a few chapters of the newest book you were reading.

That feels like a lifetime ago.

His world comes to a stop for a second time that day when your eyes land on the table in the corner, finding him instantly. Your smile drops, eyes widening, and Nicholas is finally getting a good look at you for the first time in years and... holy shit. You haven't changed much. Your hair is much darker than the last time he saw you, back to your natural color, and you were still as beautiful as ever.

His stomach drops again.

Shit.

It's like he goes blind to the world around him, everything is muffled and there's a ringing in his ears that he just can't seem to make stop. He barely registers you thanking the barista and taking your drink with shaky hands and then making your way over to Nicholas' corner, a timid smile on your lips.

"...Nick?"

Your voice snaps him out of his trance. He blinks once, twice, and then a third time to make sure you were actually real before saying your name.

"I didn't know you were back home." You say casually and he watches the way your fingers grip around your cup, holding it to your chest as if you were trying to protect what’s underneath it.

He swallows. "Home for the summer. Break from touring."

You make an ah sound, giving him another timid smile as your head nods.

"That's right. Y'all are big-shots now, huh?" He can't help but blush at your words, shoulders going up in a shrug in response. You look like you're going to say something else, chewing on your bottom lip as you look around the shop before your eyes land on him again. "...Do you mind if I sit?"

Oh. That's. Well. "Yeah. That's fine."

He watches you carefully place your bag on the back of your chair before sitting down, placing your drink on the table. Your hands are still circled around the cup and he can't help it, really, but his eyes drop back down to the diamond on your finger again. You catch him this time, a sheepish grin on your lips as you untangle your hands and bring them down under the table into your lap.

"How've you been?"

Your question makes him tense, a sour feeling settling in the back of his throat. It's weird hearing you ask him that. At one point you were the only person in the world besides Noah who knew everything about him. You never once had to ask how he was, you just knew, because you could read him like a damn book.

He shrugs again, lips pressing together. He thinks he's been alright. The last few years have been a blur with the album and the touring, and while he wouldn't trade it for the world, it was a lot. He doesn't remember the last time he was able to sit down and think about how he was, let alone fucking breathe, so he's not really sure how to answer your question.

"Good." He manages to settle on that, voice clipped. "You?"

"Good."

This was more awkward than he ever expected. Truthfully, he figured if he'd ever see you again you'd be angry with him. He wouldn't blame you. The break-up was mutual, you both ending it on your own terms, but he knew it was his fault. Too busy for you, and all the empty promises he never seemed to remember to keep towards the end.

He doesn't know what changed in him because it wasn't his feelings. He'd never love someone like he had you.

Maybe it was the constant realization that he'd never be able to give you what you want. The touring was straining on your relationship, and his time was always spent between being in Virginia or California. It was like you were in a long distance relationship while living together. It shouldn't have been like that. He knew it then and he knew it now.

"How are the other three?"

This makes him smile, small but real, and his arms cross over his chest as he watches you bring your drink up to your lips. "Good. Noah's always going to be Noah, Jolly's trying to keep up, and Folio is..."

"Folio." You finish the sentence for him, and he can see your lips tugging into a grin. His smile grows.

"Yeah, Folio."

"I'm really glad to hear that." You sip your drink before continuing, "Tell them I said hi."

"Will do." He probably won't.

Another wave of silence washes over the two of you and it's still fucking awkward. Nicholas hates it. He's a quiet guy and for the most part you were quiet too, but the silence was always comfortable when you were together. He thinks it's because it's been three years, you're two different people now. He's not the same person he once was, and he knows you're not the same either.

He begins to wonder what type of person you are now and if your new selves would get along. He wants to ask you what's changed, ask about who you are now. He wants to learn you all over again, but the deep ache in his chests tells him he can't. He thinks back to the way the light reflected off your ring and that sour taste in the back of his throat lingers yet again.

He finds himself wanting to ask about him, ask if he's treating you well, and if he's giving you everything Nicholas couldn't.

He decides to keep his mouth shut.

"I bumped into your mom the other day at the store." You finally say, eyeing him from across the table. "She's really proud of you, you know."

"Oh." His mom didn't mention that when he got in the other day. Probably for the best. His cheeks flush at your words and his head dips down, hiding the bashful look on his face. "She's our biggest fan, I think."

"You've got a lot of those now, huh?"

Your eyes meet from across the table and he averts his gaze almost immediately, looking off to the side. "I guess."

Your words really seem to sink in because they do have a lot more support than they did the last time he saw you. It was before the album dropped, before everything changed. He wondered what you thought of it all, if you’re proud of them. Him.

"...I'm really proud of you, too." You finally say, answering his question.

Hearing those words come from your mouth has Nicholas' face heating up, still not being able to bring himself to look at you.

"You guys worked really hard for this. You deserve it all."

You'd been there from the beginning, in the early days when the norm was sleeping in a tiny van way too fucking small for some grown ass men. You always told him that one day everyone else will get Bad Omens, that they'll finally see the potential, and he used to think you were crazy. Now he's not sure if you manifested all this shit on your own.

"Thank you." He says with a smile, but it's strained, and finally manages to cast you another glance.

Both of your hands are on the table again, the ring on your finger long forgotten by you but he didn't forget. It's been on his mind since he saw it and the words were on the tip of his fucking tongue but he won't say anything. No, he'll wait until you bring it up. If you bring it up. His eyes drop from yours and down to your left hand.

"We don't have a date set."

He blinks back up at you.

"We... I didn't wanna rush it." He catches you looking down at the ring, admiring it with a smile, but it looks pained. "He wants to have a big wedding. Wants to go all out, invite like 500 people."

"Do you even know 500 people?" Nicholas finds himself saying and you laugh. He soon realizes just how much he's missed that sound.

"No. I think I barely know 100 people, let alone 500." Your laughter subsides and you catch Nicholas' eye again, smile faltering. "I keep telling him I want something small. Intimate. I don't like big things."

Nicholas knew that. He remembers how much you hated big crowds, your designated spot at shows typically being side stage or at the merch table with him or Steven.

"I told him I was willing to compromise, he can choose the venue but we gotta half that number..." You continue when Nicholas doesn't say anything, eyeing your ring again. "I haven't convinced him yet, but I will. Said we're not setting a date until we figure this out. We have time, though. There's no rush."

It almost sounded like you were trying to convince yourself more than you were Nicholas and that has his stomach turning.

"How's your mom?"

He changes the subject because that sour taste is back, more prominent, and he realizes he doesn't want to talk about him. Would rather talk about anything else actually, especially when he noticed the second your smile fell and your eyes dimmed as you admired the ring on your finger. He won't think too much into it, he won't allow himself, but he thinks there’s more to that sad smile on your lips than you’re letting on.

The conversation after that slowly flows along. Nicholas was never good at small talk, and neither were you, but whenever you were around each other it seemed like the words would just easily come out. He always found it funny how he was just naturally introverted, quiet, kept to himself, but whenever he was around you or Noah he could never seem to get himself to shut up. He likes knowing that seems to haven't changed.

It was still awkward, sure, catching up with someone who's essentially a stranger when they used to not be, but towards the end he starts to feel lighter. Shoulders dropping, tension slipping from him when he finally gets you to laugh about the story of leaving Folio at the gas station, the sadness in your eyes slowly going away, and that sad smile on your lips growing into something happier. He feels pride well in his chest because he did that, even after all this time he was still able to make you smile, but that feeling dissolves at the first sound of your phone going off.

You stop abruptly mid-sentence, the both of you pausing to stare at the phone that's settled on the table. He sees his name flash across the screen, a picture of you two popping up, and that sour taste is back. He averts his gaze and clears his throat.

"Hey." Your voice shifts when you answer, much softer than it had been just moments. "Yeah, still here. Ran into an old friend." He glances at you. "Oh shit, yeah. Forgot that was today. No, no. It's fine, babe. I can leave now. Be there in 15? Alright. Got it." You pause on your next words, eyeing Nicholas across from you before your gaze moves to the side. "Yeah. Love you, too."

You're quiet after the phone call ends and Nicholas doesn't bother looking up from the table. He feels ridiculous for the way his chest aches, knowing his time with you has been cut and he doesn't know when he'll get to see you again. It's selfish, he fucking knows it is. He doesn't have a right to feel this way anymore. It's not like you're his. You haven't been for a long time.

"That was..." Your words trail off and he finally looks up for a moment, seeing the sad smile on your lips. "I should probably head out."

He nods, giving you a tight-lipped grin in return before his eyes cast down again. He misses the way your lips drop into a frown.

"Probably."

He doesn't look up when you rise from your seat, just stares at the now cold cup of coffee on the table he’s forgotten about again. He jumps when he feels something heavy on his shoulder, head tilting up to find you staring down at him, your hand gripping his shoulder. His eyes drop to your hand again, the diamond ring glaring back at him, before his eyes rise to meet yours.

You smile, but it doesn't reach your eyes. "It was really nice to see you again, Nick."

"Oh." He swallows. "It was nice seeing you, too."

"Take care of yourself, okay?" Something flashes in your eyes, something he’s seen before but can’t quite place it, and you squeeze his shoulder again. “And… maybe we could get dinner? Catch up? If you’re okay with that.”

Dinner.

Such a simple request yet it has Nicholas sitting up straighter, excitement filling his veins at the possibility of seeing you again. Your hand still feels heavy on his shoulder and that look in your eyes he still can't place seems to be pleading with him, and before he knows it he finds himself nodding.

"Yeah, yeah. Of course. Number is still the same, just uh. Reach out."

"Great." You smile again and this time it does reach your eyes. Nicholas finds himself smiling right back. "I'll see you around."

"See you." He mumbles and his eyes watch you as you leave, the ache in his chest ceasing to exist for just a moment.

[need-more-meta]

Fic Questionnaire

Thank you, @enteselene, for tagging me! I'm a tiny fic writer, but I like talking about my fics, seeing that I have nothing else in my life.

1. How many works on AO3?

150 (50 of them are a series of ~500-1,000 Kylux ficlets written to a list of prompts)

2. Total AO3 Word Count?

1,155,848

3. Top 5 fics by Kudos?

Ease My Mind (a TBSATDH one-shot I wrote and slapped on AO3 within three hours after finishing the show because I wanted to try my hand at writing polyamory)

When the Line Connects (a fluffy MCU Steve/Bucky comedy that features fannish practices as a love language)

Hold His Broken Pieces (a dark Kylux story about non-sexy sex slavery and a long, convoluted, but ultimately hopeful path to recovery)

Give This Man a Hug (a gen MCU story about Steve Rogers needing—and getting—a goddamn hug)

Compatibility in the Time of Cholera (my very first omegaverse fic, a Kylux story featuring an epidemic that turns all heats into fuck-or-die situations where Hux finds a creative solution to handle the issue)

4. What fandoms do you write for?

I've written for Fullmetal Alchemist (Roy/Ed), Marvel Cinematic Universe (Steve/Bucky, Bucky/Loki), The Bastard Son and the Devil Himself (Nathan/Gabriel/Annalise), Our Flag Means Death (Ed/Stede), Star Wars (Kylux), and Supernatural (Wincest). I also wrote fic for Card Captor Sakura when I was ten, not knowing what fanfiction even is, and for Gravitation when I was 16, but, thankfully, those works have been lost.

5. Do you respond to comments?

Absolutely. I cherish every comment and I do my best to respond to all of them.

6. Angstiest Ending?

Hands down "give me another version, a different room"; it's the second part of a Wincest trilogy "Other Voices, Other Rooms" where Sam keeps trying to kick Dean out of his life, and in this installment, it works. (They do end up together in the end, but that's a different story.)

7. Fic with the Happiest Ending?

Almost all my fics have happy endings because I'm a big, big softie. But I'll say Great Heights, a Wincest story of Sam's love for Dean that spans from pre-Stanford to Heaven and features so much angst, the ending feels that much happier.

8. Do you get hate?

Although I write Kylux and Wincest, I've never had to deal with hate (yet), possibly because I'm just a little guy, not popular enough to be noticed by someone outside a small circle of readers.

9. Do you write smut?

Yes. Yes, I do. All my Wincest fics are explicit because, to me, actual sex is the only thing the show lacks in terms of their psychotic, irrational, erotic relationship. So that’s the hole I’m filling (all puns intended). (I should probably note that I’m asexual, and it always thrills me when someone calls my smut hot, because I myself don’t see it like that.)

10. Do you write crossovers?

I've written about a dozen Kylux Adjacent fics, which are technically crossovers. Apart from that, I wrote a crossover between Our Flag Means Death and a horror video game Slay the Princess.

11. Ever had a fic stolen?

No idea. Hopefully, no.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, two, both Kylux.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

Yes, with a few other members of a Kylux discord. We are yet to post it, though.

14. All time favourite ship?

Wincest. As much as I love Kylux, and I still do, Wincest is THE sibling incest I'd been waiting for my entire life. These two boys are perfect for me. They're the answer to all my dark, twisted heart's prayers.

15. WIPs you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

A Steve/Bucky story "Shared Death Experience" that I started in 2020. It was supposed to be a story about ghosts where (almost) everyone is dead but it's a comedy. I have 10k written, and I love them, but I just don't have any time left for MCU with my life taken over by SPN events.

16. Writing Strengths?

I've had people praise my phrasing, my dialogue, my characterization, my angst, my fluff, my porn with feels, and my humor. Naturally, I myself think people are being way too kind, but that's what they say.

17. Writing Weaknesses?

Plot. I either get my stories fully (or almost fully) formed in the middle of the night, or I have to sit down and squeeze the story out of my brain with a great deal of pain. Coming up with actual events to take place in the story is like pulling teeth with my bare hands. I can't sustain long plots at all; my two 100k+ fics were written by accident. Don't get me started on Wincest case fics. Which I keep writing. Because I hate myself.

18. Thoughts on mixed language dialogue?

I had Natasha use some Russian curses in When the Line Connects and a couple of OCs use Ukrainian phrases in How Deep Does the Water Go (a Kylux FBI!Hux & Hacker!Kylo AU), but I mostly avoid mixing languages.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

As I've already mentioned, it was Card Captor Sakura. I was ten. I don't remember a single word, which, I think, is for the best.

20. Favourite fic you’ve ever written?

I mostly forget every word as soon as I post a fic, and I almost never re-read my own work because I'm too embarrassed by it. However, I had the sweetest time writing "every day, we stray further," a Wincest omegaverse Christmas fic set after 15x19 where Sam softly and tenderly seduces Dean into the best relationship of their lives. This one, I did re-read and it made me happy.

Tagging @spnj2fanlw @jinkieswouldyoulookatthis @fictionallemons @jaynesilver @notlikelybutpossible @nylon-rabbit (apologies if you already did it and I missed it)

[blckbarbiedoll]

Million Dollar Baby

Chapter 5-Love-One

September 28, 2017-Los Angeles, California

You quietly walked into the dimly lit bedroom, trying not to wake your mother. The hot soup in your hands threatened to spill as you set it on the bedside table.

"Ayesha?"

"Hi." You whispered. "I'm sorry. Did I wake you?"

"No. I was about to get up anyway." She slowly sat up.

"Hey, relax. Don't move around too much."

"I have cancer, Ayesha. I'm not made of glass."

"Just be careful." You sat in the armchair next to the bed. "You hungry?"

"No."

"You need to eat."

"I'll eat when I'm hungry." She rubbed her temples gently.

"Do you need medicine?"

"No. I'm fine. Don't you have a match next week to get ready for?"

"Uh, no. I dropped out."

"You what?"

"I have more important things to worry about."

"Did you drop out because of me?"

"Don't say it like it's a bad thing."

"Are you outta your fucking mind?"

"Mom-"

"You can't pause your career because of me."

"I've already had a great career."

"And you'll continue to."

"About that..." You sighed and looked down at your feet.

"What?"

"I'm retiring this year."

She looked at you in disbelief before scoffing. 

"You idiot."

"Can you not?"

"Why would you give up on your dream when you're on top of the world?"

"My dream? I never wanted this."

"Yes you did."

"No, you did. You wanted me to be like you. I never did."

"You're being dramatic."

"I gave up my whole life to do what you wanted me to!"

"Well, I didn't see you trying to do anything else!"

"That's because you never let me go to college! My only skill in life is hitting a ball with a racket!"

"And you're goddamn good at it!"

She covered her mouth as she began to cough dryly. You handed her a glass of water and patted her back.

"You okay?" 

"Yeah."

"I don't think you've ever said I was good at tennis before."

"That's because you're not good. You're extraordinary. And it would be a mistake to retire right now."

"I'm tired, mom. I just wanna live my life." You held her hand and smiled. "I don't wanna be a tennis player anymore. I just wanna be me."

She looked at you with pity as tears formed in her eyes.

"Baby, I am so sorry if I was too hard on you. All I wanted to do was give you the joy that I had when I played. But I just ended up squashing it."

"Hey." You sat on the side of the bed. "It wasn't all bad. When Tashi and I first started, I had never been happier. Or when Art and I would play when I went to go visit him at school. And now that I've started coaching Patrick, I feel like I've finally found what I wanna do."

"Ayesha."

"What?"

"Promise me something?"

"Anything."

"Make up with Tashi and Art. Life is too short to be mad at the people you love."

"We hate each other. That's not love."

"You just said those were the happiest times of your life. Do you really hate each other, or do you think you do because you haven't tried to talk it out?"

"Why are you so wise?"

"Years and years of life, baby."

🎾TWO YEARS LATER🎾

"Game and second set, Donaldson. Six-two. Match is tied. One set all." That set Patrick off immediately. He yelled and repeatedly hit his racket on the ground, breaking it into pieces. "Code violation, racket abuse. Point penalty, Zweig."

You scoffed and got up to walk out of the stands. You pleaded with your bodyguard not to follow you. You found an empty spot by a tree and took your pen out and brought it to your lips.

"Are you vaping right now?" Tashi asked as she walked up to you.

"Are you stalking me?"

"Maybe."

"If you came here to gloat about how Art's gonna win, you can save it."

"For your information, I came to talk to you."

"What could you possibly have to talk to me about?" You took another hit and blew the smoke away from Tashi.

"I need a favor."

"Why would I do you a favor?"

"Because, it isn't for me. It's for Art."

"What do you want?"

"Tell Patrick to throw the game."

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me."

"Patrick doesn't need this win. Art does. He's this close to throwing his whole career away."

"Art's already a fucking star. If anyone needs this, it's Patrick."

"If he was playing against anyone else, I wouldn't be asking this. But if he loses to Patrick, you know what that'll do to him."

"You care about people's feelings now?"

She stepped closer and grabbed your hand.

"Ayesha, please. If Art doesn't win this, I don't know what it'll do to him."

"That's your problem. Not mine, not Patrick's. Yours."

A small gust of wind blew your straightened hair in front of your face. She reached up to slide it behind your ear.

"Ayesha, I..." She stopped herself. You could tell she wanted to say something. Part of you hoped she would curse you out so you could hate her more. The other part wanted her to kiss you again and whisper sweet nothings in your ear. "Think about it." She said before walking away.

"Why didn't you come to my mom's funeral?" You called out.

She stopped in her tracks and turned around.

"Honestly, I thought you didn't wanna see me."

"Mom would've wanted you there."

"Did you?"

"Kinda." You walked over to her. "Tashi, come on. We're grown. When are we gonna stop pretending that we hate each other?"

"Who's pretending?"

"Are you still jealous? It's been twelve years."

"You took my fucking life, Ayesha. You took my career, my brand deal, you took Patrick."

"First you were pissed because I was with Art, and now it's because I'm with Patrick?"

"He was mine first."

"He doesn't belong to you. And neither does Art for that matter."

"He's my husband."

"He's also a person. You know what I think?"

"What, Ayesha? What do you think?"

"I think you're mad at me because you're confused. You don't know what to do with yourself if you can't control everybody. Patrick and I aren't attached to your hip anymore, and you can feel Art slowly slipping away."

"Shut up."

"I think you're convincing yourself that you hate me because you're still in love with me. That's why you kissed me the other day."

"I am not in love with you. You were nothing to me. Just a glorified fuck buddy."

"One day, Tashi, you're gonna look at your perfect little life, and think about your perfect little family, and you're gonna feel this emptiness like something's missing. And then, you're gonna think about me. You're gonna realize that I was right. And all those years you spent trying to hide a part of yourself are gonna come back to haunt you."

"Stop."

"But I'll be fine. Because I know what I am. Do you?"

"Final set. Zweig to serve. Love-one." You heard in the distance.

"I guess you forgot I can read you like a book, huh?" You walked past her and went back to the stands.

[scrollsfromarebornrealm]

Unhinged Ranting about Zone 6

Major spoilers below, don't click if you wanna be unspoiled, this is just my personal opinion.

Alright. So I've been briefly glancing at social media now that I've cleared MSQ, and I've seen bits here and there that DT is basically repeating Endwalker (and to a degree Shadowbringers') plotline. But if I may offer my humble opinion...

They are, and they're not. Instead what Dawntrail gives us is so much fucking worse in terms of horror. I am going on the record right now that for me personally, Living Memory beats the hell out the city of Amaurot. Why do I think that?

Amaurot, we only experience at a *remove*. Yes we live through the city's destruction, but the version that's there in the First? That's Emet-Selch's creation, made out of grief/depression/rose-colored glasses view of Ancient Society. With the exception of *one* person, we do not see (as far as I know because I didn't really sidequest there so if there's anything otherwise, please let me know) actual physical legitimate people (I'll get to that in a minute hold on). Please take a look at the fucking wreckage that was Emet-Selch's thought process at that point and tell me that man had the capacity to think up an entire city of millions, each one with their own individual personality. All those people are chilling in Zodiark.

(yes yes I know gameplay mechanics and the like BEAR WITH ME HERE WE'RE GETTING TO THE POINT)

And when we do encounter those souls of the city? Those precious lives the Worst Ever Coworker trio wanted to save? They are a mess. They are a wreck. All they can do is mourn the life they had before and beg for it back. They have been steeping for millennia in guilt/regret/longing for the old days to the point that it's all they are. You could argue they're not even themselves anymore.

Living Memory is worse because we're not dealing with a 'one size fits all idealized memory of how I thought this random person of society should be'. Living Memory is you fucking staring at your beloved Aunt Remy who used to wear pink ribbons in her hair and always chugged that shitty store-brand beer at every sports game for her favorite team and couldn't pronounce your name just right so she gave your a nickname and you just rolled with it. Only it's not your Aunt Remy, it's a goddamn computer copy of her.

Even worse, it may not be the Aunt Remy you remember. Living Memory changed its inhabitants to reflect the happiest times of their lives. Aunt Remy may not be the adult you remember her as, she's probably going to be a damn sixteen year old experiencing the first time she met their favorite pop idol!!!

Pick your poison, which one is worse?

A. A rose-colored glasses one-size-fits-all construct version of your loved one.

B. The soul of your loved one so tainted by and warped by longing for the 'good times' that they're no longer who they once were.

C. A fucking exact copy of the person they used to be, who may be changed so that they reflect the happiest time of their life?

Shadowbringers and Endwalker were honestly the theory aspect. Dawntrail is the actual physical horror manifested.

┻━┻ ︵ ＼( °□° )／ ︵ ┻━┻

[zdusk]

Uh. Long time no see?!?!?!? Quick life update for anyone out there who follows me and still checks this site:

I bought a horse last year

Her name is Firefly (Princess Fairymount Firefly) and she is 2 and she is the love of my life. Also since I got her she has changed colour two times: her summer coat went from a lovely golden dun to a white winter coat to a burnt toast sort of winter-summer-shedding season look. But that buckskin dun is starting to peek thru her dark shoulders again so I'm pretty confident that she's going to return to her previous state and I probably haven't purchased a magical colour changing animal. Bummer.

When I got her, I thought I was getting a rising 3 year old whom I would be training this summer, but I found out recently that she's only turning 2 this May meaning she was only a year and a half old when I bought her. Super disappointing since that's put me off my plans by a whole year, but I'm not going to sell and look for something else because unfortunately I already love her so much and I have a feeling she's going to be worth her weight in gold. Like, she already IS worth her weight in gold and then some to me because she's got the calmest disposition I've EVER seen on a baby horse, but that just means I've found something so special and you'd really have to pry her from my cold dead hands at this point.

There's also my baby doggie Odin!!!!!!!!! I just led with the horse cuz yknow, a lot of my old mutuals here are sso girlies/boyies/themies so I figured the horse might be the more exciting news

He turned 3 last November and I have been raising him since he was an egg. For those of you who knew Hildi, this cringe ass thang is her successor and he's my best friend in the whole world to whom I tell all of my secrets. He LOVES to bark at children though which isn't really cool but we're working on that together. When he isn't barking at unsuspecting children, he's a FIEND for a game of frisbee‐ unfortunately he has also injured his paws TWICE while playing frisbee so its considered a high risk sport for him. That's just how goddamn serious he is about it. If frisbee was a thing at the Olympics he probably wouldn't win but he'd give it his best damn shot and headlines would call his loss 'tragic' but his attempt 'inspirational.' Wait isn't frisbee actually in the Olympics but it's just called discus instead? Hang on a sec I need to call Odin's agent

Odin was sort of the first breakthrough I had with the whole Finding Happiness thing. Like yes surviving the puppy phase was, in my opinion, similar to trying to survive a war, but its been so rewarding to care for and nurture something that has turned around and given me nothing but unconditional love in return. Like seriously, the feeling of being loved by this dog is so strong to the point that its almost overwhelming. He stares at me lovingly even while I'm brushing my teeth like look at this

He seriously breaks my heart ouuuughhhhhhhhhh Odin I love you more than I can put into words without you I'd be NOTHING!!!!!!

I'm probably the happiest I've been in like the last 10 years now. To those of you who knew me from age 16 to about 20-21, No You Didn't and I'm only like, half joking. You knew a very depressed version of me and tbh so did I, I'm still getting used to what happiness is like for me (turns out it's kinda stressful?!?!?!? But when you're the only horse person in the family looking after an animal that can get so stressed out that it gives itself stomach ulcers and dies, I think a healthy dose of stress isn't unusual. Those are a lot of important shots to call!) but it's been nice. I've been meeting new people and making new friends and having invaluable experiences. But also if you knew me from age 16 to 20-21 I am so sorry. I was a WEIRD kid. Now I'm a weird adult. How time flies, eh?

If any of the old wormy men or my other sso mutuals are reading this, I think about you sometimes. I hope life has been treating you well, and you've had lots of ups with your inevitable downs. I'd say I'll try to be more active, but I don't know how true that might be so for now all I can offer is a big fat 'we'll see.' I might just be giving this update to ghosts for all I know.

The funniest joke in this whole post was when I said this was a 'quick' life update and then wrote like 6 whole paragraphs haha classic Z

[somethingsomethingwords]

Ok so, here is another one. This is a little bit different from what I usually write or even like reading, but alas, sometimes an idea just enters your brain and just doesn't leave. Also this one has a title ig. So here it is. I hope you'll like it. Enjoy 💜

Of course I wanted you to stay

(but you didn't, no you didn't, no you didn't)

Lance was so full of adrenaline he almost dropped the mic. He was shaking from head to toe, but there was a huge grin on his face.

There was no sadness, because even if this was the last concert of the tour, it had been one of his best ones like, ever.

Also he was home, so he knew that after all the crazy partying he would do tonight, tomorrow he'd meet his sister, he'd go to that bakery that sells the best cupcakes, and he'd be able to roam the streets with his thick glasses and ugly beanie and scarf combos, and no one would recognise him.

But still, that's tomorrow. In that moment, there was the encore.

It was always different, so it was always special, but that day even more so. It was composed of three of his older songs, about pain and heartache and moving on despite the past, maybe in spite of it. He loved it very much. Because he was home, singing his first hits and he was ending one of the happiest and saddest tours of his life.

It had started great, new album, in love and energetic. Then he was left behind, alone and with nothing to show for it. Because it had to stay a secret. He had to keep his love secret. He had had no one to complain to, because the only people who knew would have been put in an uncomfortable situation, and he didn't want that. So he hid his hurt and did what he always did. He put it in his music. He sang his pain until the only hurt he could feel was the one in his throat.

It really had been a rollercoaster. But now it was the end, everything was better, and he wanted to send a last fuck you. He may have matured, but nothing would make him lose his pettiness.

So he sang.

Are you sorry like you weren't at the time?

Loving you was easy,

that's why it hurts now

The worst way to love somebody

is to watch them love somebody else

and it works out now

And sang.

Cause someone loved me,

someone fucking loved me

Someone fucking loved me,

I loved him too

Goddamn it, I was worth something,

I fuckin' earned something

I have a right to die, a right to live,

a right to choose, too. And God, no!

Of course I don't wanna feel better!

Can you fucking imagine?!

And sang.

Because, in the end,

you can see how much I loved you

from the fact that I'm fine now

It's a lie, but I say it anyhow

He put every single emotion into these songs, and finally let them go.

When the crowd roared, it all exploded.

He felt a solitary tear wet his face, but nothing could have stolen his smile. He waited for his band, then bowed and left the stage.

The night was young and he was feeling free and wild. And quite hungry, actually.

So he took his band to his favourite pub. They ate, and drank, and ate some more.

On the taxi towards his house, Lance realised that, no matter how much it had hurt, he didn't regret having what he had with Fernando.

Even the tears, even the heartbreak, they all shaped the person he was today.

He liked to think he was loyal, and dependable and kind. But most importantly, he liked to think he was better than the person he was yesterday.

His house appeared, and after paying and tipping the taxi driver, he opened the door.

Yeah, it was big and a little bit empty and a little bit cold. A little bit like his heart. But it was something to be proud of, because it was his, and he was working on it.

---

The next day he really started to rethink all of this rock star thing.

His head pounded with his heartbeat and his mouth tasted rancid.

He got up and drank some water, downing a couple of aspirins for his headache.

After the shower he felt somewhat normal, and decided to go out for breakfast.

He reached his favourite bakery and ordered two pastries to go. He wanted to retreat and lay warmly in front of the fireplace.

Lance noticed him as soon as he stepped out, but he decided to ignore him. His house wasn't that far, he could reach it quickly and without having to talk to him. For once, he wanted to thank whoever made him with long legs.

But even if he could go fast without running, so could the other.

They walked in silence, side by side, for a few minutes.

When the silence and the presence were getting to him, he abruptly stopped and turned towards the other man.

"What do you want?"

Fernando didn't deserve kindness nor gentleness. He forfeited those when he left Lance. Via text. Without explanation and blocking him immediately after.

Lance had spent too many days crying; now he wanted nothing to do with the man.

"Hello Lance. Was just around" he said, as if it explained why he was in Canada and not in England, in Monaco, hell even at home in Spain.

Lance huffed and started moving again, having had more than enough, but stopped when he felt a firm grip on his wrist.

He stared at the hand on his arm with wide eyes, before raising them to Nando's face.

"You have three seconds to either take your hand off or have it broken" he said shakily.

There must have been something in his voice that made the threat a real one, because suddenly he was free again.

"Lance, am sor..." Nando started.

"Shut up before I make you. We can't discuss here, someone could recognise you. Come to my house" surely not his finest moment, but all Lance could feel was fury. Still, he wasn't raising his voice, so he could consider it a win.

you are still protecting him, Este's voice said in his mind.

shut up, of course I am, but what else could he do?

They arrived at his house. He quickly opened the door and closed it when Fernando got in.

"You have no right to come here with your flimsy excuse and expect me to be ok with it. Now, tell me what you want and get the hell out of my house" there, simple and direct.

For a moment, Fernando seemed seriously sorry. But Lance didn't care. He was the one left behind, the one who had to pick up his pieces when he fell apart. He healed as best as he could, and he would not apologise for building up his defences.

"Lance, I am really sorry, for what's worth. I want to explain"

"You are a few months too late. At this point, I don't even know if I care. I only ever asked one thing, Alonso. One. I was ok with being kept a secret, and avoiding being seen together, and the distance. I only asked you to openly communicate and shit like that. You just left without a word" now that he had started, he couldn't seem to stop.

"You knew, I told you why I wanted that. Why I needed you to be honest and open, yet you just disappeared. I had to ask Este, who had to ask Mick. And for what. To be told that you had a new model girlfriend? So no, Alonso, I don't care anymore. It would just reopen old wounds. Now go, I'm sure you have somewhere else to be"

and someone else to be with, it wasn't said but both could hear it.

"That's not right. I have nowhere to go. Am alone, Lance" he said, something hurt and teary in his voice.

Lance was about to replicate, sharp words already on the tip of his tongue, when something in Nando's expression made him stop. His eyes showed how open he was being, how vulnerable.

Lance sighed, and led the man into the living room, making him sit on the couch, while he went into the kitchen and brought back two glasses of water. He would have preferred something stronger, but this felt too important of a moment to have it tainted by alcohol and not being in the right mind.

He sat on the opposite side of the couch, and waited for the other to start talking.

"First of all, am sorry, really. I knew it would hurt you, how I left you, but I did it anyway. And I know you have no reason to believe me or care. Am here because I believe you deserve the truth about everything"

He seemed honest, but Lance wouldn't trust him so easily, not again.

"What are you hoping for with your confession months later, mh? I'm not going to obediently come back to you, waiting to be heartbroken again. You're not gonna fuck me and leave, either. So, what do you want?" he was probably being unfair to the other man, but anger and confusion had never been a good mix of emotions for him.

"Lance, I would never..."

"Like you would never leave, Alonso? Don't make promises you can't keep and don't say things you don't mean" he interrupted, harsh and stubborn.

"You are right. I made promises and then I broke them and betrayed your trust. But I need you to know I had reasons. Not perfect, not good, but I had them" and goddamnit, Lance could feel himself beginning to soften.

just listen to him, said his conscience, suspiciously sounding like Mick.

"Would you care to explain them?" Was he being sarcastic or curious? He himself didn't know.

"Of course. Someone was starting to notice some...changes in me. I was happier, nicer, smiled more. Someone I don't like said something in a way I didn't like. Made me understand that he knew something was up, and would ruin me. So I decided that I needed to protect myself, to protect you. Left you because I couldn't see you. I knew I'm not strong enough to leave you if I saw you"

It all sounded logical, from a certain point of view, but Lance knew there was more, so he waited for the other to continue.

After a few seconds, Fernando raised his eyes, looking at Lance, before turning them down again.

"I didn't like the weakness. All the time, I was thinking about you, wanted you near. It was too much. So I thought I could just stay away, and forget about it"

about you, was left unsaid.

"And can you? Forget about it?" Lance not only wanted to know. He needed to, before going on with the conversation. He could feel his hands beginning to shake and his eyes starting to water, but he had to be sure.

Fernando immediately raised his eyes, and spoke with a tone determined and something like hope in his eyes.

"Of course I can't. I'm here right now, begging for a second chance" he said pleadingly.

"Then beg" Lance said, not meanly, but he also wasn't feeling particularly charitable, and it was better to make some things clear from the beginning: he wasn't going to repeat the same mistakes. He wasn't the young man staring at his teen crush, starry eyed and in love and grateful for every scrap of attention and affection. He was older, maybe a little bit more bitter, a little bit wiser. Fernando left some marks onto his heart, and he wasn't going to refresh them for nothing less than certainty.

"Lance, please give me another chance. I know I fucked up, was so wrong. I'm begging you, let me fix this. However long it takes, is ok. Just, tell me you'll think about forgiving me, and starting again" he was being so earnest, how could Lance resist?

"Even if I forgive you, and it's a big if, I'm not going to forget anytime soon, ok? I'll need time and space and for you to make an effort" he really was weak for this man, but who could blame him, he spent half his childhood idolizing him and then he met him and fell in love.

"Will do whatever it takes. But let me, please"

Realising all the air stuck in his lungs, Lance sighed.

"Ok"

He didn't even finish the word that Fernando picked him up and spun Lance around, making him laugh despite himself.

Fernando finally put him down, and took his hand to kiss it, maintaining the eye contact for a few seconds.

Lance could feel himself blushing, and quickly shook his head, still smiling.

After a few seconds of just getting reacquainted with one another, Fernando broke the silence.

"I liked the show yesterday. Especially the encore"

And now Lance was definitely blushing. His encore had been designed as a way of finally letting go, one last screw you to the man now in front of him. But he couldn't say that to him, even if it was pretty clear.

It would have been childish to throw shades at Fernando in one of his concerts, no?

"Yeah, I was inspired, I guess" his smile smaller but still there.

"Fuck the guy who made you suffer, the bastard" and in his jokingly way, Nando was telling him that he wasn't angry, and that they would be ok.

"Yeah, fuck him"

[notitlesapply]

Fic writer 20 questions!

Got tagged by @tapemonkey21. Thanks for the tag!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

6 published currently, but I've got a LOT of WIPs, and some fics on FF.Net that everyone has probably forgotten about lol

2. What's your AO3 word count?

173,259. Hmm. Not bad.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

According to AO3 Tokyo Ghoul and Overwatch. But honestly I've only been writing Star Wars lately, I just haven't posted anything.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

A Pound of Flesh (Tokyo Ghoul)

Cut Him Out In Little Stars (Tokyo Ghoul)

They Watch From Above (Overwatch)

Disrepair (Overwatch)

Memories in a Tin (Overwatch)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to, but I often get overwhelmed and am not sure what to say so I don't always. I haven't responded to any lately since I posted so long ago lol.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Disrepair, hands down. It even has multiple endings, each one with their own flavor of angst. It took a lot of inspiration from Silent Hill 2 so what do you expect?

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Hmm, maybe Firework Love (Overwatch). It's my least popular fic, so maybe I'm not cut out for fluff lol. I also wrote a few Rurouni Kenshin fics back in ye olde FF.Net days that had happy endings, but that's a LONG time ago.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Sometimes I get people getting nitpicky on grammar/spelling or word choices. And once upon a time (again in ye olde FF.Net days) I got complaints for dragging a fic on too long. It killed my motivation for the fic 😔

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Yes I have on occasion. The only one published on AO3 is They Watch From Above, which is full of Eldritch horror monster fucking 😏 It was ridiculously indulgent.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I don't have any crossovers published, but I do have ideas/WIP rattling around. I think the craziest one is my Card Captor Sakura x Star Wars idea where I turn Obi-Wan into a magical girl, Cody into a magical girl mascot that has a secret badass hottie form with wings, and together they try to stop Cody's bros from causing chaos. Alternatively there's another CCSxSW fic idea where Ahsoka and/or Anakin is the magical girl, Rex is a goddamn talking plushie, Obi-Wan is the older brother that Ahsoka/Anakin are trying to hide magic from and utterly failing at doing so, and Cody is Obi-Wan's best friend (who everyone knows is going to upgrade into boyfriend as soon as they admit their damn feelings). Also Cody's actually the cold hearted final boss but doesn't know because of ✨magical amnesia✨ (If anyone wants to hear more, hit me up, I kinda love this crack.)

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes. I had a RK fic translated into Italian in ye olde days, and Cut Him Out In Little Stars was translated into Russian.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No.

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

Hmm, that's a hard one. Codywan is certainly my favorite right now, but I'm not sure which is my favorite of all time. I suppose it might be Touya/Yukito from CCS simply because they were one of my first favorites and I still have a great fondness for them today. Also they canonically are together in every universe 😍

15. What's a WIP you'd like to finish but you doubt you ever will?

A Pound of Flesh. I'm trying to at least write out a summary of how I'd finish it, but I doubt I'll fully write it.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Combat. I've also been complemented on my characterization and my ability to balance humor and tragedy.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Finishing a long fic lol. There's a reason why I'm refusing to publish my first Codywan fic until I finish it. I don't want to disappoint anyone.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

It's fine. I think it's especially flavorful for worlds using conlangs.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Card Captor Sakura. Back when I was young and innocent 😇

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

Probably Cut Him Out In Little Stars. I'm still very proud of it. Second place would be Disrepair because of its multiple endings. I experimented a lot with that one.

No pressure tags @anxiousotters @crowleying @koisplash and anyone else who wants to join

[itsthedoodle]

This Love Is Alive Back From The Dead

Summary: The last time Feyre and Rhys saw each other was senior year when she abruptly decided to end things between them. Ten years later, they meet again at their high school reunion.

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: none

@officialfeysandweek2023

Read on AO3 from the beginning or continue with Chapter 3

Feyre stared at Rhys's back as he led her away from the party. She was going to throw up. Or faint. Or both, if the universe was feeling particularly cheeky.

She felt dazed, in disbelief that he knew what she had done. Her mind replayed his words on a loop, her ears ringing as if he had yelled the information rather than stating it matter-of-factly.

He took a turn, and she realized where he was taking her. 

“The cafeteria? You think that’s going to be empty?”

He looked at her over his shoulder. “Hmm, yes, I suppose students might be having their lunch break at the moment.”

Feyre rolled her eyes. “I meant more that other people from the party might be there.”

Rhys shrugged and entered. “See? It’s empty.”

He headed to the vending machine, paying for a small water and handing it to her. “Here.”

She took it from him, muttering a small “thank you”, the implications washing over her. He knows all your tells, and he knows you well enough to know pointing them out will just make you skittish. 

He took a seat on one of the chairs, and she did the same next to him. They looked at each other for a heartbeat. 

“What happened, Feyre?” he whispered, his expression surprisingly open. “I spoke to Lucien, please don’t lie to me.”

She sighed, looking at her hands for a second, then back at him. 

No masks. No lies. 

“When we first started dating, I thought it was too good to be true, that you were going to eventually wake up and realize you could do so much better. We both know we come from two different worlds. Your family and my family are not in the same tax bracket and I kept waiting for you to realize it. But you didn’t. You stayed with me, and our relationship was the happiest I had ever been in my life.” She paused, trying to gather her thoughts while Rhys patiently waited. “When the time came to apply to college, I knew I wasn’t going to leave here, but you,” she looked at him, “You were amazing, and all of these colleges wanted you, and I was happy for you, beyond proud. I was ready to give long distance a shot, but then one day I heard you talk to Cass and Az. You were on the field, and I was behind the bleachers. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but you just walked up talking about it and I got curious.”

He listened to her intently, nodding every now and then but otherwise staying quiet, letting her speak. She felt her eyes well up, and looked to the ceiling, begging the universe to lend her the strength she needed to make it through the story. She could break down later. 

“You told them you were going to reject all the Ivys and every other college that had reached out to you, because you didn’t want to leave me. You were planning to attend community college with me, stay and help me with my family and work and whatever I might need, and that was unacceptable to me. I was not going to let you ruin your future for me. Yours was bright, and mine was barely even there.”

He looked at her in disbelief. “That’s bullshit.”

“Is it, Rhys?” she said, voice shaking as she lost the battle with her emotions and her tears spilled over. “Can you honestly tell me you would have been happy now had you stayed with me?”

He threw his hands up in frustration. “Yes, fuck yes. I would have been happier than I am now. I would have woken up every goddamn day feeling blessed to spend another day by your side.”

“You would have hated me for it!” she screamed, the dam of emotions completely breaking. “You would have regretted it and hated me. Maybe it would have taken ten years, maybe twenty, but you would have eventually hated me for holding you back.”

He shook his head, tears running down his face. 

She counted to ten, calmed her breathing, and kept going. “So I waited a bit. I hatched my plan. Break up with you by telling you I saw no future for us in the long run. Truth is, Rhys, you were at the center of every future I ever pictured for myself. The prince in every fairytale I dared to let myself daydream.”

She was suddenly feeling very grateful for waterproof makeup. “It took a bit of convincing but then it finally looked like you got the hint… until you didn’t. And I had seen that coming from the beginning. So I found the one thing that would keep you away from me for good—Tamlin. It certainly helped that he had a score to settle. I told him I needed to get you to hate me, and that when the time came, I would kiss him and expect him to return it. I told him to make it believable, and to expect nothing in return. He wasn’t hard to convince.”

A muscle ticked on Rhys’s jaw as she continued. “I will never forget the look on your face that night. I have never felt more disgusted with myself than in that moment, but my plan had finally worked. I was happy to know you wouldn’t stay in town, that you would go elsewhere, even as it broke me. So you stayed away, and when the time came, you left for college, and the moment you were gone I finally let myself break. I don’t know if I would have made it without Lucien. I owe him both my life and sanity.”

Rhys tipped his head back, breathed in deep and then let it out, and finally looked at her. 

“I had this whole plan, you know? I was going to ask you to move in with me, and I was going to start working at NC for my father. He had been annoying me with the idea of working there for a while anyway so he would have said yes. I had it all mapped out, and then you broke up with me and pulled the rug out from under me. My whole plan became pointless, because my girlfriend thought she knew better than me what was best for me.”

Feyre straightened her spine and lifted her chin. “I don’t regret it for a second. It cost me, yes, and I regret how I did it, but I don’t regret why I did it.”

“Yes but see, Feyre, that’s the thing. You didn’t stop to think that it would cost me as well. I was a wreck. I hardly ate, hardly spoke. I almost failed my first semester because all I could think of was you. All I did was try to find out information about you, about who you were with and what you were doing. It killed me to think of you with Tamlin, because that’s what you made me believe. By the time I saw pictures of his new girlfriend online, I was so angry with you that for a short moment I hoped he had broken up with you, and a small part of me was happy at the thought of you hurting. But I was still so in love with you that it only took about five minutes and then I was ashamed of myself.”

He was twisting the knife but she let him. She deserved all of it and worse. It wasn’t anything she hadn’t said to herself already. “I was never with Tamlin. I was never with anyone else. Kinda hard to do that when you’re still in love with your ex boyfriend,” she whispered.

They just looked at each other in silence, both tear stricken, both broken. 

“I’m sorry, Rhys,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry for all the pain I caused you.”

“I’m sorry for believing the lie in the first place,” he said, apologizing when he didn’t need to. “I never stopped loving you either. Whenever I even tried to think about someone romantically, all I could see was your face. You have haunted me every second for the past ten years, and I’m too tired to fight it.”

She bit her lip, at a loss for words. They stared at each other in silence for what could have been seconds or minutes or hours. She didn’t know what to say. She had said and done enough. What happened next was up to him.

“I’d like to start over,” he said, straightening, extending his hand. “Hi, I’m Rhysand, but my friends and family call me Rhys. Pleasure to meet you.”

She smiled, extending hers. “I’m Feyre, and the pleasure is mine.”

“What brings you to these parts?” 

“This and that,” she said, faking contemplation. “It’s my high school reunion tonight and I’ve been fucking nervous all day.”

“Really? Me too,” he gasped in fake shock. “Tell me yours and I’ll share mine?”

“Well, there’s this guy here and I’ve been in love with him for over ten years. Isn’t that crazy?”

He nodded, smiling. “What’s crazy is I’m stuck in the same situation. There’s this girl here and I’ve been in love with her since the first moment I saw her. We kinda fell out of touch and seeing her again tonight for the first time in ten years hit me like a ton of bricks. It doesn’t help that she’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. You might have spotted her,” he said, pretending to think for a second. “Long wavy hair, gray blue eyes that sparkle, she’s wearing this dress that I can only compare to the stars in the night sky.”

She hummed. “Yeah I think I may have seen her around. Maybe you’ve seen my guy? Tall, dark, and handsome; the most gorgeous man to have ever lived. He’s wearing this tuxedo that looks like the night sky, but it’s his eyes that steal the show. A shade of blue so special it looks violet.”

He nodded. “Yeah I think I saw him talking to my girl. You’re right, he’s easily the most handsome guy around here.”

“I know, right?” She smiled. “Glad you agree with me.”

He smiled back at her, and they fell into a comfortable silence, cataloging the changes time had brought on the other. “A thought for a thought, Feyre darling?”

She hesitated for a moment, but then thought fuck it. “I’m thinking I’m dreaming and there’s no way you aren’t shutting me out after what I did,” she said, looking at his lips. “I’m thinking I’m glad my nosy best friend told you the truth because I never would have dared. And I’m thinking I want to kiss you so badly that it is messing with my ability to think altogether.”

“That’s three thoughts,” he said, lifting his hand to show three raised fingers. “Well, I’m thinking I would have most probably done the same had our roles been reversed. I’m thinking Lucien deserves an award for being a good best friend and a brilliant designer because look at you. And I’m thinking I’d love to kiss you but I’m scared I won’t be able to stop myself from doing more than that.”

She could feel her stupid heart doing somersaults. “Then it’s a good thing I want you to do more than that.”

She had barely finished the sentence when Rhys grabbed her, stealing her breath with a kiss so searing she felt like she was a living volcano. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she pulled him closer, if that was even possible, and climbed onto his lap, straddling him, the slit in her skirt exposing her thigh.

His hands rested on her hips, the right one traveling down to her thigh. “This slit has been driving me crazy since the moment I saw you tonight.”

“I’m sure that was the intended purpose.”

“To drive me crazy?”

“Yeah,” she said, pulling away just enough to look him in the eye. “Lucien designed this dress specifically with me in mind, and while its official name is ‘Stars Eternal’, unofficially it's ‘The Feyre Dress’. This wasn’t a midnight urge to draw a dress. This was deliberate and I’m willing to bet your tuxedo was also specifically designed for you.”

“How do you know my tuxedo is from Lucien?” he asked, lifting an eyebrow, genuine curiosity displayed on his beautiful face. 

“Lucien showed it to me when he drew the design.” She kissed him again, no longer in the mood to talk fashion and meddling designers who were certainly going to get a statue erected in honor of being the best friend of the decade. 

Her hands were everywhere, his chest, arms, collarbone, face, her fingers combing through his hair. She couldn’t get enough of him, a lifetime wouldn’t be enough. Sliding her hands between his dress shirt and jacket, she shrugged it off of him. He removed his hands from her body only long enough to let it slide to the floor behind him. 

She faintly remembered they were in the cafeteria where there was no door and no privacy but found herself not giving a single fuck.

That was a problem for future Feyre to worry about.  

Rhys’s fingers skimmed down the back of her neck to unbutton the turtleneck holding the dress in place. She stood, letting it pool at her feet. 

The look on his face made her wetter than she already was. He was looking at her like she was a goddess and he was going to worship at her temple, like a parched man seeing water when he had thought all hope had been lost. 

Feyre grabbed his hands, pulling him up, and slowly unbuttoned his dress shirt, not taking her eyes off of his face. She unbuttoned his pants, letting them slide down, and pulled the dress shirt off of him. 

He was gorgeous and she was going to cry from happiness that he was here, with her, looking at her like she was the center of his universe. If this was all she got, if tomorrow he wanted nothing to do with her, she was willing to live with that. 

“Hey,” he said, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye. “I’m not going anywhere.” He smirked. “I’m kinda naked, remember?”

She laughed, kissing him again. He placed his hands on the back of her thighs, lifting her and placing her on the edge of the table. 

He kissed her neck, his focus on that spot she liked, and she was glad to know he hadn’t forgotten her body or how it reacted to him. A trail of fire followed his kisses as made his way down, stopping at her breasts, his tongue tracing around her nipple. She moaned, uncaring about who could hear her. 

Rhys dropped to his knees and parted her legs, wasting no time before lowering his mouth to her and sucking her clit. Her head fell back and she moaned again, grabbing a fistful of his hair. He brought his fingers to her cunt, feeling the moisture there. 

“Look at you. We’ve hardly done more than kiss and you’re so wet for me.”

“I’m always wet for you,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “You have no idea how often I’ve come to the thought of you.”

“Oh yeah? Tell me more about it,” he said, one finger sliding in before a second one joined it. 

“You were doing exactly this,” she said. “Your mouth and fingers working in tandem.”

“What else?” His fingers curled, touching that spot inside that lit her up like a live wire. 

“You fucked me with your fingers until I started squeezing around you. Your pace never slowed, only quickened. I was never able to last very long.”

She was babbling, not even fully aware of what she was saying, as if someone else had taken over her mouth until she was able to form a coherent thought. 

She doubted that would happen anytime soon. 

He fucked her with his fingers and sucked on her clit until she felt the pressure begin at the base of her spine, pushing further down until her thighs started trembling.

“Oh my—fuck, I’m going to come.”

Rhys hummed, the vibrations going straight to her core and she gasped, pulling his hair. 

Her body was on fire and she felt like she was nothing more than scrambled thoughts and incoherent sentences. She rode his fingers, chasing her release, his fingers and tongue slowing, but not stopping. 

He stood and she looked down, reaching to remove his underwear and free his cock, which was already leaking precum. She wrapped her hand around him and started pumping. 

“I missed you,” was all she said, guiding him to her entrance as he leaned in for a kiss. 

He pushed in smoothly–an easy task considering how wet she was–and she gasped when he was fully in. 

Feyre felt as if a missing piece of the puzzle was sliding into place. 

They both held still, Feyre kissing him with fervor while Rhys let her adjust to his length before he started moving, sliding out slowly and snapping his hips forward. She leaned back, supporting herself on her elbows as he grabbed her thighs and lowered his head on her chest, sucking on her breasts as he quickened his pace, and she could feel the second wave building up again. 

“Fuck you’re so beautiful, so perfect, taking me so good. I wish you could look at yourself right now,” he said, fucking her harder and faster, neither of them caring about the outside world. 

He kissed her and she came again, moaning and gasping into his mouth. She had turned into a half sobbing, half delirious puddle, her body shaking beneath his, every inch of her skin alive. 

His movements became uncontrolled as he came, groaning loudly into her shoulder, until he slowed down, half collapsing on her, kissing her deeply. She sat up, returning the kiss as she wound her arms around his neck. 

They broke apart and he rested his head at the crook of her neck, breathing her in. “As much as I would like to fuck you into the next century, we should probably get back before someone comes looking for us. But I’d like to do this again.”

He tilted her chin up, forcing her to look him in the eye. “I’d like to do this again, and I’d like to date you again, and I’d like to at some point wake up next to you knowing you’re mine, and I’m yours, and that we’re okay. I’d like to have all that and more if it’s okay with you.”

She was crying again, biting her lip as she nodded. “I’d like that, too,” she said, kissing him. 

He helped her off the table, and they got dressed again, careful to look normal, or as normal as they could after what they had done. 

God, had they really fucked in the cafeteria? People ate here. 

“Rhys?” she said, trying not to laugh. 

“Yes?” He looked at her curiously. 

“If we ever have kids, please let’s not have them go to this school. I’d hate it if they sat and ate on this table.”

She tucked the booming sound of his laugh deep in her heart, keeping it there, cherishing it. A promise of a thousand more to come.

[galvanizedfriend]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thank you for the tag @kirythestitchwitch and @morningstargirl666 🤗

How many works do you have on ao3? 22! But I think I currently have two or three fics that are private because I keep meaning to rewrite and never get around to it.

What's your total ao3 word count? 1.617.205 😗

What fandoms do you write for? Currently only The Vampire Diaries/The Originals.

Top five fics by kudos: The Wolf (surprising no one, The Originals S1 rewriting), The Wolf II (surprising no one², The Originals S2 rewriting), Vice & Virtue (very surprising this has more kudos than TWIII lol, regency AU), The Wolf III (The Originals S3 and 4 rewriting) and The Sound of Settling (that time I committed coffee shop!AU).

Do you respond to comments? Yes! I try to always keep up with comments, but I get a little behind from time to time, especially with comments left on older fics. Sorry, folks 🥲 With WIPS, I tend to always reply to comments right before or immediately posting a new chapter.

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Pendulum, for sure. The alternative ending is pure angst (and I love it very much, there's so much meaning and to me it's a perfect ending for that story).

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? All the others lol All my fics have a happy ending, Pendulum is an exception.

Do you get hate on fics? Not so much anymore, though I did recently get a bitter anon here on tumblr. But yeah, I've received a lot of hate over the years.

Do you write smut? Occasionally, when I feel like the story asks for a smutty scene, but more often than not I go with the classic fade to black.

Craziest crossover: I've never written crossovers, though I have written lots of AUs inspired by other things (I forgot what those are called now).

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Yes, I have. A while back this nutjob stole a bunch of fics and published them as originals on Amazon and The Wolf was among them. I got lots of comments from people warning me about it and I managed to get it taken down.

Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes, I have! To Russian and Chinese.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? I have not, though it's a fun idea.

All time favorite ship? My favorite ship is always the current one and I've been stuck on Klaroline for a few years now. Those two idiots in love have my whole heart.

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? I have so many. 🥲 I really wanted to give the TVD S5 rewrite a chance, but really don't think I have it in me to start something like that again.

What are your writing strengths? Oh boy. I suck at paying myself a compliment. But I've heard I write good action scenes? I don't know if it's true. Personally, I think I do a decent job of writing AUs, as in adapting canon aspects to other universes. I don't just plaster names on characters, I try very hard to make sure everything is still recognizable even in a totally different setting (then again, that's very subjective 😂).

What are your writing weaknesses? Wordiness. I am so freaking wordy, my stories are so goddamn long. I wish I could simplify my writing, shorten sentences, but alas. I have these ideas for writing exercises I would like to try with a couple of ideas I have, but I need to finish the ones I have started before I can jump into something else.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language? If it's single words or short sentences, it's ok. I kinda like it even, but when it's full dialogues in languages I don't understand, it kind of loses me.

First fandom you wrote in? I think I wrote some semblance of fic when I was like 12 for Charmed, though I didn't even know that was fanfiction. But the first conscious fic I ever wrote was for Torchwood.

Favorite fic you've written? Pendulum. I think it's the most original and profound (lol) thing I ever wrote, it expresses many aspects of how I feel about KC. But I also really, really like The Unexpected Grace of Falling Apart. I LOVE romcoms and I think that story is everything I love in that genre, without being completely silly (in my opinion, ofc). Those two fics couldn't be more different if I wanted to, but one thing they have in common is the fact I spent years working on them.

Tagging @definedareasofuncertainty, @howlingmoonrise, @misssophiachase, @jinxedwood, @bettsfic, @bellemorte180, @marginally-accurate, @b-mina and @austennerdita2533!

[damonjuicyscock]

Playlist- Chapter 14: Shattered dreams (90s Noel Gallagher X Reader)

Pairing: 90s Noel Gallagher X Reader

Warnings: Fluff, pregnancy, a sad word starting with M and ending with age, language, a few spelling mistakes, maybe.

Words: 2805

Summary: Y/N is pregnant with Noel's baby. We follow her through her pregnancy journey that has its up and downs.

A/N: Heya Y'all ! Here's chapter 14, I hope you'll like it, as per usual. It's a chapter I found important (but very emotional), and the next one will be as well. You know I like to include societal subjects in my story, at first to sensibilize and also give a bit of action in the story. Some of you may even have gone through it and I hope it won't trigger you, that's not my goal. My goal is to provide visibility to subjects like this one, because it isn't taken seriously (at least not enough) and to entertain you.

Next part next weekend !

Love y'all, take care of yourselves !

Enjoy !

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“And now you've given me, given me Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams Feel like I could run away, run away From this empty heart”

August 11th 1996- Knebworth:

I’m pregnant Noel.

I saw his face light up, and the biggest smile I’ve ever seen appear on his face.

Ye’re not joking right? Please, tell me ye’re not joking. He said, taking my hands in his

No I’m not. Should I understand you’re happy about these news? I answered, stunned

I’m the happiest man in the world! I’m so mad fer it, I’m going to be a dad!

He took me in his arms, holding me tight, and everything around us disappeared. I smiled, now relieved.

Before going on stage, Noel kissed me passionately and nailed it even more than usual. I hoped he wouldn’t say anything to anyone yet. But there’s someone to whom I couldn’t hide my condition. Because deep down, she already knew.

Seeing him sile so much and him being so happy, I bet you told him? Patsy asked

Told him what? I answered

About the baby growing in your stomach.

I smiled to myself.

Yeah, I told him. And he’s so goddamn happy about it. And so am I.

And I’m happy for you two! She said, taking me in her arms

I held her back, emotion starting to take over.

You’re going to be an auntie Patsy! I said, on the verge of tears, not believing my own words

*

August 12th 1996- Knebworth:

It was time for the afterparty, and I felt fit enough to attend, with Noel and a lot of people.

Please Noely, don’t tell anyone yet. I want to keep it for ourselves just a bit, okay? Except Liam. I’m going to tell him. I said

Why tell Liam and not the others?

Firstly, because he’s your brother, secondly because he’s my future brother-in-law and he’s also like my little brother and thirdly, Patsy already knows.

Wot? How does Patsy know?

Who do you think convinced me to take a pregnancy test?

Patsy.

Well done Columbo. Because she knows what it is to be pregnant. So, according to my symptoms, she knew why I was sick.

Noel nodded. I hadn’t smoked for an entire day, and I really needed a cigarette He saw me take my pack of cigarettes out of my pocket and took it from me.

Hey! I exclaimed

No smoking. He said, sternly

I just can’t quit like that; it’s going to play on my nerves. Let me have a cigarette per day for a week, so I can get used to it. Please Noel, and I’ll stop.

He hesitated for a second and sighed.

Deal. One per day, not more. And I keep yer pack with me in case ye’d decide to smoke more. I’ll give ye yer cigarette of the day.

Okay chief. I said doing a military salute

Oh no, not ye too calling me that!

*

Later in the night, when everyone went to bed, I finally had my moment alone with my fiancé, in his arms.

Did you suspect I could be pregnant? I asked

Not a minute. I really thought you had the flu.

And so… how long has it been that you wanted to have a baby with me?

Since November 22nd 1983.

Ew, gross.

Why ew? He said, chuckling

We were literally 16 years old Noely!

I know! I mean… when we were 16, I was like not now but one day yes, I wanted to wait fer this because having a kid at 16 was out of the question, but I knew on this day that I wanted ye to be the mother to me children.

That’s cute. I’m soz I can’t say the same thing because I never really asked myself if I wanted to have children in general before yesterday.

And that’s okay. But if ye thought ‘bout it…

Yes Noely. I would want it to be you. And you’re going to be such a good dad.

At least I’ll do me best. I know what’s running in this little head of yers.

Oh yeah? What then?

Ye’re hesitating to ask me if I’m scared to be like me old man because I had a shitty father. And I’ll answer that I’m scared to become a father, like every parent would be, but I’m also mad fer it. And I’m not scared to be like him, because I’m not him and I’m not like him. And I’ll never be.

Well well… You know me by heart Noely.

Yea, I do.

*

At around 8 am, I woke up and felt really nauseous. I told myself I should get up and get some fresh air. So, I went outside.

I tried to breath to prevent me from vomiting but ended up throwing up anyway. I felt someone grab my hair and hold them for me. I thought it was Noel. But it wasn’t.

Still sick I see. A male voice said

Yeah, unfortunately. And it might last a bit.

What d’ye mean?

I finished throwing up first.

Sit down, we’re going to have a chat. And thank you for holding my hair by the way Li’.

Anytime.

We walked a bit and sat down under a tree, in the grass. I could see in Liam’s look that he was impatient to know.

So… what I mean is that something that wasn’t planned, at least not yet, happened. You’re going to be an uncle, Li’.

He smiled.

Really?

Yeah.

That’s so fucking cool! Oh, thank ye Y/N, I’m so happy ye’re the one our kid decided to fuck with!

I laughed.

Then thank him too!

Oh, I will, me. How long has it been?

I don’t know yet, I’ll be seeing a doctor once we’ll be back in London.

Good. I can’t wait fer this little one to show up so I can teach…

No Li’, not so soon. I laughed

Oh, ye’re not funny! He answered, rolling his eyes

*

August 23rd 1996- London:

We were back in London for a few days and for a gig that would take place on this night. And the only appointment I had was on this day. Noel wanted to come with me, but couldn’t miss soundcheck, and this for three reasons. Firstly, because he wanted this gig to be perfect. He always wanted to, and he could have missed an hour of it for other gigs, which leads us to reason number two: This gig would be the MTV unplugged one, meaning it would be recorded and the band worked really hard for this. Reason number three…. Liam let them down on this most important day. I had to separate the brothers who almost fought (again). Liam said he was “sick” and Noel didn’t believe it, and thought he was just hangovered, and though he didn’t mind it, he would have to do the job himself, meaning he couldn’t come with me to the appointment, and hated the fact Liam was lying and unpredictable. He wasn’t doing his job properly.

So here I was… but not alone, because Patsy didn’t want me to be alone during this important moment.

Not too stressed I hope? She asked, while we were in the waiting room

Just a bit. Not because I don’t like going to the doctor’s, I got used to it with years, but because I hope I’m not too far along, knowing I kept smoking and drinking.

You couldn’t have known. You were having your period and all that stuff…

Yes, but nausea and other symptoms should have alerted me. And yet, since I know it, my stomach just grew up and man, I look really fucking pregnant now.

She put her hand on mine.

It’s gonna be okay, I understand how you feel. I didn’t go through the same thing, but I’ve been pregnant, and I know how it feels. You’re still in shock and that’s perfectly normal. But don’t be scared. Everything will be fine.

A silence settled in. I had to get rid of a heavy load.

I’ve already been pregnant before Patsy.

She was shocked.

Really?

Yeah, a few years ago. It’s when Noel and I were separated. I was with a guy called Kenneth. He was beating me and a lot of other stuff.

Like…

Yeah, the sadly famous R word.

Oh, I’m sorry…

Don’t be. I’m fine now. I’m more than that. I’m the happiest bird in the world. I was a lot younger when it happened and not ready. Noel came back and not so long after, I was pregnant, and this baby was conceived during hard moments. Kenneth didn’t like Noel at all, he thought we were a bit too close for his taste. He was paranoid, thinking I was cheating on him, and he was taking advantage of it to take advantage of me and my body. When I told him I was expecting and that I wanted to keep the baby, he pushed me in the stairs and there was no baby anymore.

Oh my God…

And what I’m going to say is absolutely horrible to hear, but I felt sad and at the same time… relief. This child wasn’t meant to be. What could have had happened to his future with a father like Kenneth? Would he have beaten this child too? No, he was killed first. But… it was better this way. It’s as if for once… he’d protected someone from himself and especially with what happened afterwards… I know what I’m saying is absolutely horrifying but…

No. No, it isn’t. What is horrifying is what happened to you. Did you even, have time to mourn this baby?

Not at first. I had to be miss perfect, so I was like high functioning. But when Noel rescued me and the aftermath… I think that’s when I did it. A part of the depression mourned this baby. This is the biggest secret I’ve kept to myself and myself only. No one knows. Not even Noel.

And it’ll follow me to the grave.  I’m so sorry and horrified you had to go through this. Noel is right when he calls you his warrior. Because this is what you are.

So yes, I lied to Noel. To protect him. I knew if I told him that he’ll run to the airport and take the first plane to Manchester to kill Kenneth. I thought about having kids before. But I stopped thinking about it since that particular day. And now, the baby I was bearing was all I wanted.

*

Hearing your baby’s heartbeat for the first time… What a fucking moving moment. I was in tears.

How… How far along am I? I asked

By the size of your baby, I’d say between 4 and 5 months. Let’s say something like 4 months and 3 weeks. And it seems like you’re having a healthy baby boy, I can already see it. Congratulations!

I was happy. All I needed to hear was said. The word healthy was ringing in my head.

I-Is it possible to print a screen shot? For me and the dad? Please?

Of course. The doctor answered, smiling

And once I had it between my hands, I couldn’t let go of it. I couldn’t take my eyes off it. Examining and re-examining the little silhouette of the being that was growing in my stomach. To the point, Patsy was forced to tell me we arrived at the Royal Festival Hall. In the car, everything I was thinking about was “And now? how will he look? What name will we choose for this little one?”

I entered the building alone, as the cab left with Patsy who would be coming back to Liam. The guys were in the middle of rehearsals. The minute Noel saw me, he stopped playing and put his acoustic guitar aside before jumping off the stage and running towards me.

Tell me everything. He said, taking my hands in his

I handed him the ultrasound’s screenshot, and he took it.

I’m 4 months and 3 weeks pregnant. And…

And?

And we’re having a baby boy.

Noel jumped in joy and held me in his arms.

Guys, I’m going to be a dad and it’s a boy! He shouted

The boys cheered, happy for us. I looked at Noel, surprised.

Noel…

Soz, I couldn’t help it. And anyway, everyone can see you’re pregnant now!

*

Jacob!

No.

Romeo!

Out of question.

Milton?

Oh come on, don’t grandpa him yet!

Martin.

Ye can do better.

Owen.

Too American fer me.

Oh come on Noel, we have to decide! I said

Ye’re only 5 months pregnant! We’ve got time fer this!

Actually it’s 4 months and 3 weeks and the baby will be born tomorrow if we let time go by.

Nevermind.

Hey no! My baby’s name won’t go with a simple and jaded nevermind!

Alright, alright. Can I propose one?

I’m all ears.

Frederick. Like imagine, we could call him Freddie Gallagher. A rockstar’s name fer a rockstar’s son.

Noely, I love you and I love Freddie Mercury but no.

Or Simon, what d’ye think about Simon?

Cute but it sounds a bit too much like Simon Lebon. But as a second name, why not? What about Andrew?

Andrew Simon Gallagher… Andy Gallagher… Yea. Yea, actually I like it. It sounds good. Deal.

See? A nevermind can quickly become an Andy.

Oh, shut yer cake ole.

*

Sometimes, it feels like happiness comes with a price. And everything you were happy about and everything you had planned ends up in a shattered dream. I knew something was wrong when it was going too well.

October 12th 1996- London:

Terrible cramps woke me up. It hurt. I hadn’t felt the baby move for a few hours now. I thought he fell asleep after giving a long series of kicks. I sat on the edge of the bed. I put my hand on my belly. I knew. I felt something was wrong deep inside. Then I felt something humid between my legs. I turned the light on. I was bleeding. It wasn’t a pool, but enough to make me panic.

Noel! Noel fucking wake up I’m bleeding! I yelled

Noel woke up, startling and saw. The man never had his driver license, so he was forced to call 999, and an ambulance took us to the hospital.

I was panicking. But not for my life. And I was right to do so. The doctors made some exams, including ultrasound. This is when the biggest heartbreak of my entire life happened. I previously told you that hearing your baby’s heartbeat is really moving. Then Heartbeat turns to heartbreak. But before turning to heartbreak, it turns to fucking heartache. My baby had been suffering. He had been kicking non-stop to alert me something was wrong. And I didn’t get it. His little heart had stopped beating and It was my entire fault.

But one of the hardest things was that I had to wait. I had to wait for my fucking cervix to dilate, not to give birth but to literally expel my own son from my womb.

Noel was by my side. I didn’t want him to see this, but he didn’t want me to be alone during this hard ordeal. And then we saw why after the “delivery”. One fucking reason. But an evident one. A knot. A knot in the umbilical cord. My son died of hypoxia. This is very rare event, as not all knots are dangerous. But this one…

And it was as if my body detected our little one’s death and started to try to expel him, but he was already too big to pass.

Apart from that tragical event, he was perfect. He had no deformities. And even if he had, I would still have loved him the same.

I was devastated, and so was Noel.

I insisted to hold Andy in my arms for a few minutes, to say goodbye. Noel and I cried, for a long time. We both kissed his little head. A shattered dream and two broken hearts.

[realmermaid333]

AO3 Fic Tag Game :)

I was tagged by: @burntblueberrywaffles @suchaladyy @cosmic-lullaby and @nonamemanga

20 questions beneath the cut 😛

How many works do you have on ao3?

26!

What is your ao3 word count?

125,134

What fandoms do you write for?

I write for Wednesday, The Hunger Games, and I'm thinking of maybe writing some Walking Dead fics, we will see! Right now I am focusing on my Wednesday fics though till I finish them.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

His Little Bedbug

Tipsy Truth Telling

I'll See You Around

Take You Like A Drug

Can't Keep Quiet

Do you respond to comments?

Always! I love responding to comments

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

This is hard to say, so I guess I will list three LOL. Well, I think first place is definitely A Hyde Only Knows One Thing: Pain. But the runner-ups are Don't Let Go of Me, and Nowhere to Go.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Most of my fics have happy endings because I love happy endings! I love peace and love and joy! But I guess the happiest ending would be Smoke Signals as it is a growing-back-together/reconciliation fics that carries over to Say Yes to Heaven. And I also wanna throw in This Would Have Happened Anyway, which is an old Hunger Games fic I wrote that I plan to go in and re-edit soon haha.

Do you get hate on fics?

Rarely, but yes. I think the only fic I got hate on has been A Burning Hill. Luckily most people are wonderful!

Do you write smut? What kind?

Yes, LOL. Idk what the different kinds of smut are? but I tend to write established relationship smut, it is my fav. I write it pretty graphically, but I like to make it really sweet and comforting. I love romance!

Do you write crossovers?

No, but I think they are neat

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes!!! Smoke Signals was translated into Thai by the amazing @adogfrmhell :)

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes! I co-wrote Take You Like A Drug with my bestie @suchaladyy, and also Wash Away Your Woes with @nonamemanga @suchaladyy and @averyaddamsromance ! it is so fun to cowrite with friends : D

What WIP would you like to finish but doubt you ever will?

I know I will finish it, but A Burning Hill! it is just on the backburner for a while longer.

What's your all time favorite ship?

I guess I'd say everlark because they were my first ever ship! they are just so cozy and forever in my heart.

What are your writing strengths?

I'd say showing emotion and imagery! I have been told I am able to make eyes water and hearts swoon hehe

What are your writing weaknesses?

I just wont shut up sometimes LOL, i tend to give almost too many details and too much imagery. Which I know is not inherently a bad thing, but it makes all my writing pieces so goddamn long lol! I start to feel like Bram Stoker writing Dracula XD. And sometimes I feel like my dialogue can be awkward, which I suppose makes it more realistic, so once again not always bad! i am just best at writing neurodivergent characters maybe hahah

thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I have done this very briefly before, but it was just two words in Spanish for a ritual scene! I would not write tons of dialogue in another language unless I had a beta who spoke that language fluently and who could translate and make sure the translation made sense.

First fandom you ever wrote for?

The Walking Dead! when i was like 12 I wrote TWD fanfic on wattpad LOL.

Favorite fanfic you've ever written?

How could you ask me this? What is wrong with you?

What fic would you want to rewrite one day?

I will be rewriting my Hunger Games one-shots series and reposting each one-shot as its own fic!

tagging: @therulerofallpotatos @wincestation @katwitchwriting @lovepoison9 @thesweetnessofspring and anyone who wants to join in!

[avastyetwats]

“ I’m officially a dad now! “ Charles

A dad.

Charles Vane was a dad.

And not only Charles, but James, too. He was a… holy fuck, he was a father. He had a child.

He was speechless, in awe, as he stood there watching Charles hold their newborn baby in his strong arms, born only several minutes ago. She’d been cleaned and bundled up before being handed over to his parents, to his two dads, and fuck, she was the cutest fucking thing he had ever seen. And so goddamn beautiful, too. Her eyes were closed, sleeping soundly in Charles’s arms. No doubt worn out from all of the intense screaming and crying and admittedly, so was Flint. Though none more than the woman that carried their child, that gave the two of them the greatest gift in the fucking world and he would forever be thankful.

But holy fuck, he was a father. He was really a father! Something he wanted long ago until tragedy struck, but then he met Charles years after and everything changed for the better again. He fell deeply in love with the bastard that spilled alcohol all over him after bumping into each other and he was the happiest man now because of it. He helped him heal and made him feel safe and comfortable with wanting a future and planning for it. Because after what happened to Thomas, he’d been afraid. Afraid to love, afraid to be happy, afraid to want and hope. For fear it would all be cruelly taken away. But Charles helped to quell those fears and he was a changed man because of it. Because of him.

And now he was happier than he’d ever been. He let himself love and be loved, he let himself hope for the future and be excited for it. A future that he wanted with Charles and he made that known. He made it clear. He gave himself completely to the man that changed his life and brought joy back into it. He loved him wholly and unconditionally every goddamn day. He married him and now? Now, he had a family with him. Something he let himself finally truly want again and fuck, it happened. It really fucking happened.

He was choked up. To the point where he had tears in his eyes as he stood there with Charles, his arm wrapped around his waist, watching the little bundle of joy sleep peacefully in his arms. He sniffled and wiped his eyes with his free hand before dropping his face into his neck with a chuckle, a little embarrassed with himself. “You are.“ he nods, words muffled against Charles’s neck and after a deep breath, he pulls back to look down at their girl again. Their daughter. “You’re a fucking dad now and… and so am I.” Then he realized. “Shit. I didn’t mean to curse. Fuck, I did it again.” He was just so overcome with emotion, he couldn’t help himself. His heart was racing a mile a minute. He was excited, but really fucking nervous, too. “Jesus Christ, I’m really a father.” He breathes out, trying to hold himself back from crying. “She’s… she’s ours, Charles…” he swallows, his shaky hand lifting to gently stroke her little cheek. “She’s our daughter. God..” He clears his throat, his voice shaky with emotion, unable to stop the tears from falling. He was crying now. “She’s our little girl and she’s so beautiful.” @fornassau