#BUT I'M SO FUCKING UPSET AND FRUSTRATED AND FURIOUS AND FUCKING SICK OF IT!!!

[zaffre7]

"kms/kys jokes are funny"

No. They aren't. They weren't funny in 2012, they aren't funny now, and they never will be funny. Ever.

Violent self depreciation makes your quality of life worse. The more you say it, the more you believe it. "Fake it 'till you make it" behavior but in the worst way possible.

MAYBE THINK ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO SEE WHAT YOU SAY AND HOW IT AFFECTS THEM TOO?? YOU COULD BE PUTTING SOMEONE IN A HORRIBLE MENTAL STATE BECAUSE YOU THINK SERIOUS SHIT LIKE THIS IS """FUNNY""" !!!!!

[sorcerous-caress]

You're right and I know you are but I actually got so upset that I am now violently sick. I am literally only sharing this because I am fairly certain you're also autistic and BPD but I hate so much that like the one time in mainstream media we are given a bi/pan man who is effeminate and prefers men but isn't a derogatory stereotype but every post about him is like He’s The Most Masculine, Actually and actually the reason we don't see him express attraction to women is because he's so shy actually ignore that he can hookup with Laezel who would not stand for that and is main character trait is confident (and I don't think I've started fights so at least there's that)

I used to not understand the problem with the Astarion fandom but then I came to painful realization he has straight fans who actually seem to hate his canon character

Anyway sorry for all the Bobstarion… gay bpd bitches are gay bpd bitching. You're the best for reading this tho 😭💀💚

I know this feeling very well anon.

You've completely summed it up, he is finally a non-derogatory representation of an effeminate queer man and straight fans burnt his canon to the ground so they can make their dream masculine babyboy shy twink.

God it fucking stings doesn't it? It literally hurts just to think about how much Larian risked by even putting Astarion in the game. A western game at that too where forum after forum are full of incels complaining about women not being inflatable sex objects in their game.

Baldur's gate 2 and 1 never was this inclusive, it was strictly hetro except for the remastered npcs. Astarion by himself probably made them lose half their "old-school" homophonic demographic.

And the fandom takes all of that and makes him another fucking joke of a character? All the people who have never played the game would search up the Astarion tag and get a completely wrong impression of him.

Not once did a character before him made me leave a game because I was disgusted with myself. His storyline and writing is phenomenal because I too objectified him at the start then the game called me out for it in act 3 and it changed my world view so much.

God did you know early access had Gale and Wyll be awkward if a male Tav hits on them? That only Astarion was the always accepting person regardless of gender?

Even now he is still the only male character between the two who openly expresses his interest in men! Who embraces being flamboyant and doesn't try to fit into a narrative.

I completely understand anon, and I know how much bpd and autism highlights these feelings and make them dig like nails at your brain. Yes I have them too. And I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to share your thoughts with me.

It must be more frustrating for you tho, for liking Astarion and being lumped in with the rest of his weird fans without your consent. You can't even filter their posts out because they treat their takes as "normal" and how it's not them belittling a queer character no! They're just being "wholesome"

Fuck the batstarion shit still gets on my nerves. I saw one with a baby bottle feeding him??? It just feels so infantilising because he isn't some cute animal he is a fully grown and matured person. If it's just a kink then sure idc but please tag it at least.

Then they make him "shy" around women. You know why that god awful take was probably born? Because most of his straight fans picked women and went into his romance. So they think that his clumsy personality in act 2 is because they're a woman and he is so used to men.

It's fucking disgusting, Astarion would treat both men and women with the same clumsy romance, all my Tavs were nonbinary and he never treated them differently.

You have every right to feel this way, you have every right to be furious at this. Especially with a character you care about so much.

But people will take advantage of that, people who want to start fights for the sake of fights or drama blogs who are itching to make a callout post. People don't like others poking holes in their logic no matter how good your intentions are.

Homophobia exists, racism too, look at how ignored Wyll is by these supposed fans. Look at how popular Gale x Astarion is than x Wyll because both of them are white.

It's okay to vent and it's okay to feel frustrated and stuck. God knows during some bpd episodes I come very close to deleting this blog bc of the smallest of reasons, so Imagine actually having a valid reason to be mad like you.

Take a step back, fuck those people honestly. Fuck anyone who ever did this shit just for their own self indulgence, who left all the media that panders to straight people and came and took Astarion too just to strip him of all of his traits and put him in the hetro box.

So leave them be, they suck, they're shitty and never willing to listen. Don't waste your frustration on them, it's better to yell at a wall, at least, unlike them, it might reply back with something productive one of those days.

Again, I hope you feel better soon. I genuinely do, these feelings suck beyond words can describe. Do something you like or revisit your favourite works that stay true to Asterion's character. Ground yourself with anything that might help.

Don't feed them or reply to their arguments, please. hopefully, they leave the fandom once the new manufactured tumblr sexyman is released and the Asterion tag.

[shangchiswife]

kylo ren- the last time

summary: you've had enough of being treated poorly by kylo

kylo ren x gn!reader

warnings: cursing

Dealing with Kylo was like dealing with a toddler at times. He had serious anger issues and whenever he'd come back home to you he'd take all his fury out on you.

It was a particularly cold evening so you decided to make a warm meal that night for yourself and Kylo.

You hummed as you stirred a pot filled with chicken, vegetables, and soup. It simmered on the stove in front of you.

The door to your quarters slammed open as Kylo came in, clearly furious.

You turned around to face him as you saw him throw down his mask resulting in a loud bang. 

You turned back to your soup as you stirred it.

Whenever he was in a mood you never wanted to bother him and make him even more upset.

"Well aren't you going to say hello to your boyfriend?" you heard Kylo growl from behind you.

You turned around to give him a weak smile.

"Hi, Kylo. The only reason I didn't say hi to you was because you're clearly upset," you explained as he scoffed.

You absolutely hated it when he was like this. Making you feel horrible for no reason.

"Sometimes you're just so dense, Y/N," Kylo ran a hand through his dark hair as he stared at you. His usually warm brown eyes were cold as they glared at you.

You said nothing as you tried to hold your tongue desperately wanting to fight back but then you exploded.

"You know what, Kylo I'm done with your bullshit. I just made you soup right now because I know it's been a long day for you and I wanted to be a good partner but you're just always fucking angry. I try so hard to put up with you but it's just so hard. One moment you're smiling at me and then the next you're screaming at me and I don't know why. I just can't take this anymore," you yelled as you placed your head in your hands.

You stared at Kylo who looked as if you just slapped him.

"Don't look at me like the victim. We all know who the victim is in this relationship so quit the pouting. I'm so sick and tired of you," you sneered as you stared into his brown eyes.

You remembered when you first entered the relationship thinking that you were already hurt so you couldn't be hurt more. 

How wrong you were.

Kylo's lip trembled as he stared at your frustrated form.

He looked extremely crushed.

This reaction just fueled your anger.

"You know what I don't deserve this," you said suddenly as you went to your shared bedroom and tossed a suitcase, and started grabbing all of your clothes.

"What are you doing?" he whispered as he walked over to your room with long strides.

"I'm leaving because I deserve better than someone as selfish as you," you said as you tossed your toiletries into the suitcase.

"But...but," he stuttered as you zipped up the bag and started pulling it out of the room.

"But nothing Kylo, goodbye enjoy my burnt soup. I'm coming back tomorrow to get my stuff but that's it," you cut him off as you stormed out of his quarters without a second glance.

Kylo could feel his heart break into two.

Not only was he romantically attached to you but he was also emotionally attached to you.

And now you were gone.

[billiesbabygirl]

The New Girl (Part 1)

Warning: Anger Issues, Drama, Swearing

Summary: You had just moved to Shadyside and you and Sam are best friends. Sam just broke up with her girlfriend aka ex girlfriend Deena Johnson. Sam convinced you into hating Deena and Deena hated you ever since she found out you and Sam were friends.

You and Sam are walking down the hallway together and Deena is at her locker staring at you both and trying to go unnoticed as she does. She tried her best to stay away from the both of you, especially Sam. She was doing a decent job of staying away from both of you until you bumped into her while you were with Sam.

Deena immediately looks to you with an angry expression. "Dude what the hell! Watch where you are going y/n! I'm not trying to be run over especially not by some perfect cheerleader new girl who is best friends with Sam." Deena looks straight into your eyes with a stare that could kill.

You could see the rage burning inside of her and didn't want to get on her bad side. "Sorry!" You immediately let the word escape your mouth knowing that she has anger issues from what Sam has told you. You were also nice to everyone no matter what at least for the most part.

Deena scoffed and rolled her eyes. "You better be sorry! I just bought this shirt! You're lucky that you didn't ruin it or you'd already be dead!" Deena still looks frustrated but she gives an even worse look at Sam. As soon as she glares at Sam she looks furious and gives her a death stare. You honestly feel a little bad because you can sense a bit of pain in her eyes too.

Deena looks at both of you now. "Okay can you just get lost already?! I swear to God if you don't both get the hell away from my locker and leave me alone in the next 2 minutes I will-"

Sam cuts her off by talking instead and standing up for the both of you. "Then you'll what Deena?! I'm sick of your attitude! This is my friend and you have no right to treat either of us like this and it doesn't matter how you feel you shouldn't talk to us like this so just shut your god damn mouth!"

Both you and Deena stare at Sam in shock, neither of you could believe that those words were coming out of Sam. You always saw Sam as the innocent cheerleader who wouldn't even hurt a fly. You can see a bit of numbness in Deena's face, like she's seen this side of Sam before. Sam just keeps going and going with her hurtful words and Deena looks fed up with it.

Deena looks like she is about to snap. You can see Deena clenching her fists. You decide to try and calm them down and stop them from potentially hurting each other. "Okay Sam I think she gets it, can we just leave now?"

Both Deena and Sam yell "NOT NOW Y/N!" You look at them with wide eyes as they both yell at you. Deena looks at you as she clenches her fists harder and she looks back at Sam. You know you have to stop this somehow. You grab Sam's wrist and pull her away from Deena and start walking away, pulling her along with you.

Sam yells at Deena as you pull her away. "I swear to God I am so glad that I broke up with you! You are the worst girl I've ever met! I can't believe I dated someone like you! You are such a bitch! Your anger issues aren't even the only part of you that I hate! You should go and fuck yourse-" You cover Sam's mouth "That's enough Sam!" You tell her slightly feeling bad for Deena as you see the pain in her eyes and face. You are not sure why all of a sudden you actually care about Deena but you've always cared for everyone when they got sad or upset like that.

You and Sam walk away as you pull her by the wrist. Once you get to your class which your best friend Sam is not in you notice Deena in the back. Throughout the lesson you occasionally catch Deena looking at you. When she looks at you she doesn't quite seem to look at you like she did before. You notice she looks at you in almost a kind and caring way. As soon as she notices that you see her looking she trys to act normal and continues taking notes.

After what feels like forever of watching the clock tick away you hear the bell finally ring and you pick up all of your notebooks and other belongings from the desk. You rush straight out the door just relieved to be out of that boring ass class. You had always hated your Science teacher Mr. Chadwick, he never stopped talking and he would always make you work with the worst partners. He was very strict and had so many unnecessary rules.

You are the first one out of that class. As soon as you leave his class you go to your locker and put your things away, grabbing the things you need for your next period. You gather your things and then notice you have 15 minutes till your next class. You decide to take a bit of a break and sit on the hallway bench.

You sit on the bench and begin to let your thoughts wonder. The one thought that catches your attention is why was Deena staring at you like that or even staring at you in general. As you let your thoughts start to take over you get interrupted by someone sitting next to you on the bench. You look over your shoulder and it is none other than Deena Johnson aka Sam's so called crazy ex girlfriend as Sam had told her.

[one-abuse-survivor]

Ice Anon

We're about to be done our every other year visit family and friends trip and I'm so not looking forward to unpacking, because it's unpacking, yes, and cause we have to keep our pets inside.

But also because I know I'm going to get stuck helping while my little sister will probably not have to help. I know it's because she's chronically ill, and I know she's not as strong as me but it's so damn annoying how I always get stuck with the extra work.

I feel horrible, I have a constant headache, I feel warm, knee hurts, and general sick feeling but I'm going to have to help.

Why is it always me?? For fucks sake it's always been like this, even if I feel shit I have to make up for what she doesn't do, and often if I don't do it they get upset with me.

What the fuck

Not to mention every fucking time my sister can't, or won't, do something I have to be the one to do it for her, sometimes mom promises to pay me but it's clear she doesn't always remember.

I have vivid memories from when I was a kid where my sister's bed was unmade so mother asked me to make it for her, and kept asking me to do it. My parents have asked me to help her set up her brand new phone too, and made it clear we gotta get it done tonight.

They make me do her chores sometimes too, I remember whenever her chore was taking out our bathroom trash somehow it'd be given to me every. fucking. time.

I hate this, I know she has to take it easier since she's sick, but can't I get a break just once???

I get in trouble if I don't clean my room for months but my sister never cleans her room and mom does it for her, I can't help but feel not as important.

They seem more considerate of her too, I always feel like I have to give up for her. I always try to help her when I should be making her do it herself since she needs to learn if she hopes to live by herself one day, I always help her when she should be looking it up herself, I always help her even when I feel just as shitty as her.

It's probably because I'm the older one, it's probably because I'm used to it. My dad telling me I'm a great older sibling probably doesn't help how I feel. Just once I'd like to be the one spoiled like that, our family always seems to come to me first when they need something done.

I wish I wasn't a good sibling, wish I had kept her distant then maybe I'd have less to worry about. But no, I'm a great sibling and a great child so I get stuck with it. I know mom does more, she cleans the house, cooks, does laundry, etc and all I have to worry about is my room and my bathroom on occasion.... and whatever of my sister's I get roped into.

One time my sister got locked out of her email on accident and couldn't get into her spare so I managed to switch the alt email to mine, so we could get it back...

I was planning on it being temporary but once she got back in she told me she didn't want to switch it so I can, "Help her whenever she needs it." I laughed it off but inside I'm kinda furious about it. Why does she want me to always help her? Why can't she do it herself?? I never asked to be your alt for if anything goes wrong.

I feel too closely connected to her and it hurts me, like even if I distance us I will still be stuck to her, helping her with whatever fuckery she needs this time.

Even my other relatives that give me things, pretend to have a connection with me even tho I only see them once every other year (not twice a year like you assumed once) don't make me feel this way cause I know there'll be no way for them to interact with me unless I want it. But my sister will have ways around it, again I'm her alt even though I never wanted to be.

I'm just, tired, and frustrated. I want this bullshit to stop.

Hi again, nonnie!

I'm so sorry you've been put through all this. Of course your sister deserves help with the things she can't do on her own, but that doesn't mean that responsibility should fall on you. Of course you're tired and frustrated and just want this to stop. The responsibility your parents are putting on you to always meet your sister's needs is really unfair to you, and sounds extremely overwhelming. And it sounds like they're forgetting that you have needs too. That you deserve to be helped too when you can't handle your own things. That you deserve to feel like you matter too. That you also deserve to say "I can't do this right now". That you can't be the one to always give, even when you're pouring from an empty cup.

Of course you wish you weren't a good sibling. It really sounds like they've shoved you into a caretaking role when you never asked for it.

You should never have had to feel responsible for making up for the things your sister can't do. You might be her older sibling, but you're your parents' child as well, and you should be treated like that instead of parentified and turned into the person they all rely on when they need it. You deserve to feel carefree and to focus on your own problems instead of having to be the one to fix everyone else's on demand.

They're putting so much pressure on you, and it's no wonder it's drowning you like this. You deserve so much better than this, nonnie.

Sending so much support your way ❤️

[rickie-the-storyteller]

Steph's Crew - Part 9: It's Too Late to Apologise

(cw - strong language)

Intro

This picks up right after the party left off, so I'll give a quick recap of what went down at the party:

Bret is relapsing into his bad habits again

Elise gets frustrated with him for it (as well as not obeying her house rules about smoking. The party was held at her house btw.)

Alice arrives late because she was never properly invited by any of them (oof). She remains mad at them the whole time for it

Bret breaks Elise's precious vase (aka the last present from her grandparents before they passed), and now Elise is furious at him

Alice is also furious, mainly at Dylan and Bret for not inviting her (when they express that they weren't even sure she'd enjoy it considering she's usually too busy to go out and party with them)

Elise leaves the house, too upset to stay any longer (but nobody knows where she's going). Bret feels bad and tries to run after her and convince her to come back, but fails

Party ends on a sad, awkward note, with Bret tearfully expressing his guilt (mainly about hurting Elise, but also about kind of ruining the party)

So yeah, that party was a lot. In this part, Bret finds Elise and tries to make amends with her. We also get a bit more of Alice and especially Dylan here. They have a bit of a falling out at the start, mostly because of Dylan's stressful family situation, and he eventually reaches breaking point and decides to take action.

(Dylan, home late from the party)

The journey home (after the party's over)

Dylan: (to the Uber driver) Thank you. (opens the car door for Alice) Man, can you believe that party? What a fucking mess…

Alice: (laughs) Yeah, it was wild. I can't believe Bret broke El's vase. That's just so typical of him.

Dylan: Indeed it is. Whatever, though. I'm just glad it's all over.

Alice: Yeah. Me too.

(the two of them walk in silence for a while)

Dylan: I really need another drink.

Alice: (teasing) Oh, Dylan. You and your drinking. Why do you do it? You know it only causes you problems.

Dylan: Oh, shut up. You don't know anything about my problems.

Alice: That's not totally true. I know that your mum leaving and getting married again to a guy that isn't your dad is really stressing you out. That counts as a problem, right?

Dylan: (abruptly stops walking) Fuck you, Alice. You don't know shit about my family!

Alice: What the- I'm sorry, Dylan, I was just trying to make a joke. I didn't mean to upset you. Honestly, I-

Dylan: (interrupts) You know what? Forget it. You can just head home yourself. See you later.

Alice: Wait, Dylan! Don't be mad. Please! I was just teasing. I didn't mean anything by it.

Dylan: Whatever. Goodnight. (Storms off, leaving Alice alone in the middle of the street)

Alice: (Shouts after him) Fine, be mad! See if I care! (sighs, mutters to herself) Great, now I have to walk home alone in the dark… Thanks a lot, Dylan!

Dylan gets home

Dylan: DAD! SAM! I'm back now!

Dad: Dylan, where were you? Why are you home so late?!

Dylan: Uh…Nice to see you too, Dad. How's your day been?

Dad: Don't you try that with me, Dylan. Not now.

Dylan: Geez, Dad. Calm down, will you?

Dad: Calm down?! Do you have any idea how worried we were? Me and your brother?

Dylan: What the fuck, man? I'm home now, leave me alone.

Dad: (scoffs) You're drunk, aren't you? You smell like a damn brewery.

Dylan: So what if I am? I'm allowed to have fun and let loose with friends, aren't I?

Dad: Fun? You call getting wasted and coming home late fun?! Dylan, have you lost your damn mind?

Dylan: My God… Dad, we were having a going away party for a friend. It was going to run till evening. You knew that! Why are you being like this?

Dad: What's the matter with you? You're lucky I don't kick you out of this house right now.

Dylan: Whatever, man. I'm sick of this shit. I'm going to bed now. Goodnight. (starts to walk away)

Dad: Where the hell do you think you're going, boy? We're not done here!

Dylan: I know I'm done. I'm done with all of this. And I'm done with you. (sighs, then yawns) Later.

(Dylan goes to his room and closes the door, but his brother opens it)

Sam: (angrily) Dylan, what the hell man?

Dylan: Uh… what?

Sam: You said that you'd be home in time to take me to Jack's birthday party today. You promised me you'd take me! And here you are turning up at bedtime!

Dylan: Oh shit, I forgot. I'm sorry, man. I was hanging out at the party, Bret was being Bret, and there was just all this craziness tonight. I guess I lost track of time.

Sam: That's not an excuse. You always do this. Always! You always make promises and never keep them!

Dylan: Look dude, I said I'm sorry, okay? (sighs) I'll make it up to you, I promise.

Sam: Yeah, right. (shakes his head, mutters crossly) You always say that too, but you never do anything.

Dylan: Just leave me alone, okay? (sighs, flops on the bed) I'm tired.

Sam: Fine! (slams the door) But don't expect me to forgive you so easily this time.

(Dylan groans into his pillow in frustration)

Bret tries to make things right

Bret: (calling Elise) Come on, El. Pick up, pick up, pick up…

(Elise doesn't answer, Bret leaves a voicemail)

Bret: Hey, El. It's me again. Look, I know I screwed up big time, but I'm really sorry. I promise I'll make it up to you. Just please call me back when you can. We need to talk about this. I messed up, I know. I just want to make it right. Bye.

(Bret sends Elise a text message saying, "Are you ok? Where are you rn? Call me asap")

Bret: (to himself) Wait, El's brother! Maybe he knows where she is.

(Bret goes to Adam's flat to ask him where his sister is)

Bret: Hey.

Adam: Uh, hey. Do I know you?

Bret: Probably not, no. I've seen you around before, and I'm friends with your sister. That's how I know about you. I'm Bret Carter.

Adam: Ah, right! So you're Bret. Ellie's told me a lot about you. It's nice to meet you, man.

Bret: Nice to meet you too. I just came by to ask you if you knew where Elise is staying. I've been looking for her. None of us have seen or heard from her since the disaster party, when she took off, and I've been really worried about her. Plus we really need to talk. I need to apologise properly and try to make things right with her.

Adam: You mean Ben's leaving party?

Bret: Um… yeah. How did you know about that?

Adam: News travels fast around here. Plus, she told me.

Bret: …Oh.

Adam: Yeah. She's staying with me now, actually. She was really upset when she came by that day. Said she couldn't stay another minute in that house.

Bret: I know she's upset. It's my fault she's upset… I broke the vase.

Adam: What the- Dude, you didn't. Not the vase. Not that vase. Not the red vase from our dead grandparents-

Bret: Yes, that vase. It was an accident!

Adam: No wonder she's pissed at you…

Bret: And now I need to fix things. Could you please let me in? I have to see her. Now.

Adam: I don't know, man. She's not in the greatest mood right now. I don't want to make her more upset than she already is.

Bret: Please, man. I need to do this.

Adam: (pauses) Follow me.

(Adam takes Bret to the spare room where Elise is)

Adam: Good luck, bro. (pats Bret on the back, then walks away)

Bret: (opens the door, smiles when he sees Elise) Ellie! You're ok!

Elise: (sighs) What do you want, Bret?

Bret: Look El, I know you're mad. And you have every right to be. But can I just have a moment to just bask in my relief at the fact that you're ok? I mean, I haven't seen or heard from you in ages…

Elise: It's only been two days, Bret.

Bret: (walks over, sits next to her on the bed) Well, I spent these last two days doing nothing but try to reach out to you. And all you've done is ignore me!

Elise: Probably because I don't want to talk to you, Bret. Did that thought ever cross your mind?

Bret: I've been calling, texting, leaving you endless voicemails…

Elise: I never check my voicemails, Bret. You should know that by now.

Bret: I thought something terrible had happened to you, El. You have any idea how worried I was?

Elise: (pauses) I'm sorry I worried you, Bret. I didn't think you would.

(awkward silence)

Bret: Anyway, the main reason I wanted to see you is because I really owe you an apology. Properly, this time. Not like before.

Elise: (slightly annoyed) Bret-

Bret: (interrupts) Ok, El, but please just hear me out. I need to say this to you. I'm sorry. I know I messed up, and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to break your vase, and I definitely didn't mean to hurt you. All I want is to make things right between us.

Elise: What, did you really think an apology would fix everything? You think you can just waltz in here, say a few words, and make everything okay again?

Bret: No, El, I don't. I know it's going to take more than an apology to make things right. Look, I had no idea how big a deal that vase was to you at the time.

Elise: And that makes it ok?

Bret: No! Of course it doesn't… I just want to show you that I'm serious about fixing this. You're like, the best friend I've ever had. I don't want to lose you.

Elise: (sighs) I don't know if I can forgive you, Bret. I mean, you really hurt me. You let me down.

Bret: I know, El-

Elise: (interrupts) It isn't even just this. It's you! You always talk big, saying that you want to do shit, but never actually follow through on what you say you're going to do! Like, you call me in the middle of the night to ask me to help you be more responsible, and then you do this.

Bret: (hurt) El-

Elise: And I've tried so hard to be supportive! Arguably too hard! And I'm not saying that I regret it, or anything, because I'm your friend, and I've always believed in you. But I can't help someone that clearly doesn't want to help themselves. You always act first and think later. You always do things without thinking about how they'll affect other people. You don't think about anything or anyone beyond you. And this even relates to the way you excluded poor Ally from the party! I hope you and Dylan apologised to her, too, by the way.

Bret: I- (he remembers that he didn't do that) Um...

Elise: You know what, Bret? I'm done. I'm done with all of this. I've officially given up on trying to help you become more responsible. If you really want to change your life, you have to do it on your own.

Bret: What?! No! No, come on, El, you know I'm trying. I've been going to all of our lessons and everything…

Elise: Which is great, but it's clearly not enough. You need to take responsibility for yourself and your progress. And newsflash - for this to properly work, you have to actually want to improve yourself, not just do it for me or anyone else.

Bret: But I do want to!

Elise: I'll believe that when I actually see you making the effort to change. Actions speak louder than words.

Bret: Alright! I get it. I'll try harder, I swear.

Elise: I hope you do, Bret. I care about you and I want you to be happy, but it's not my job to fix you. Remember that. Change can only come from you.

Bret: I understand…

Elise: Do you? Because again, you always say you'll change, but then you go and do something like this. How can I trust you?

Bret: (takes Elise's hand) I promise, El. I'll do better. I'll do whatever it takes to make it up to you.

Elise: (pauses, then pulls her hand away) I need time, alright? I appreciate the apology, but I can't just forgive you right away.

Bret: Ok. Just… please don't shut me out completely. I need you in my life.

Elise: (smiles) Don't worry. I won't. I just need some space right now.

Bret: (smiles back) Ok then.

At school the following week

Alice: (nervously) Hey Dylan, can we talk about the other night? I'm sorry for getting on your case about your family stuff, I know it's a sensitive subject for you.

Dylan: (sighs) Look, can we not do this right now, Alice? I'm really not in the mood.

Alice: Oh, come on! I know I can be a bit much sometimes but I really didn't mean to upset you.

Dylan: You didn't upset me, you just annoyed the hell out of me. It's not like it was a big deal or anything…

Alice: Right, ok. It's just that it seemed like it was a big deal at the time-

Dylan: And I'm trying to deal with my own shit right now. I don't need you adding anything on to it.

Alice: Alright, alright, I get it. I'll back off. But... you should just know that I'm here if you ever want to talk about it. Or anything. You're my friend, Dylan. You always have been. I want to be here for you.

Dylan: Yeah, sure. Thanks.

Alice: You're welcome! So, what are you going to do about your dad and brother?

Dylan: I don't know, probably just avoid them for a while. Maybe move out and get my own place, like Steph.

Alice: Whoa, big step… Are you sure you're ready for all that?

Dylan: I don't know, but it's worth a shot. Anything's better than living in this house with those two right now.

Alice: Okay, well I support you no matter what. But if you ever need it, I do have a spare room at my place.

Dylan: Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.

Alice: Alright, well I'll let you get back to your brooding. But seriously, if you need anything, just let me know.

Dylan: Yeah, sure. Bye. (walks away without even briefly giving her eye contact)

Alice: Uh, ok. Bye.

Asking Steph for some advice

Dylan: Yo Steph!

Stephanie: Hey!

Dylan: Can I ask you something?

Stephanie: Sure, what's up?

Dylan: Ok, so I'm thinking about running away from home. You know, like how you did a while back.

Stephanie: You- what?! No! Dylan, no. That's a really bad idea. Trust me, I've been there, I should know.

Dylan: But it worked out for you, didn't it?

Stephanie: Well, kind of. I mean, I am happy with my life right now. Mostly. But it's not as glamorous as it looks. It was hard, and I was homeless for a while. If it weren't for Ben taking me in, I don't know what I would've done.

Dylan: But you made it work!

Stephanie: Yeah, I did. But it took a long while for me to get to the place I'm at now, and it's not something I would recommend. Listen, if you really want to leave, you need a plan. A place to go, a way to support yourself. And most importantly, you need to be ready to deal with the consequences.

Dylan: Consequences? Like what?

Stephanie: Like being cut off from your family, not being able to see your friends for a while, not being able to go back home. It's not a decision to be taken lightly.

Dylan: Huh. I guess you're right. But I just can't take it anymore, living with my dad and brother. And now my mom is getting remarried and moving away, it's all just too much.

Stephanie: I understand, but there are other options. Have you talked to a counsellor or therapist? Maybe they can help you work through your issues with your family.

Dylan: I guess I could try that. Thanks, Steph.

Stephanie: No problem, Dylan. I know running away may seem like the easy way out, but believe me, it's not. It's a long, hard road, and it's not one you want to travel alone. Get yourself some support and think this one through.

(later on, in Dylan's counselling session)

Dylan: (sighs) Man, I don't know why I thought this would be a good idea. I can't talk to you about any of this stuff.

Counsellor: It's okay, Dylan. Sometimes it takes a little bit of time to open up and talk about things that are difficult.

Dylan: Yeah, well, I don't have time. I have to go.

Counsellor: Wait, Dylan, where are you going?

Dylan: I'm out of here. I'm gonna go live with my uncle in Cambridge. He's always been cool with me and he's not always on my case like my dad is.

Counsellor: Dylan, I don't think running away is the best solution. Maybe we can talk more about this and find a different way to handle the situation.

Dylan: Nah, I've made up my mind. Peace, counsellor. (gets up and walks out of the office)

Counsellor: (shaking head) Well, that didn't go as planned.

Dylan says goodbye

Dylan: Hey Steph, can we talk?

Stephanie: Sure thing, what's up?

Dylan: The counsellor… it didn't work. It hasn't changed my mind about the whole "running away from home" thing.

Stephanie: Oh no!

Dylan: (voice breaking) Yeah. And I really tried, too. I really thought this would work. I wanted to feel better, but I feel even worse than before.

Stephanie: Oh- Dylan… (gives Dylan a hug) I'm so sorry. It'll be alright, don't worry. (sighs) What are you going to do now, then?

Dylan: (sighs, hugging back) Well, I've been thinking about running away from home and… it's decided. I'm going to do it. I'm even more determined than ever to get out of this hell hole once and for all. And I guess I was wondering if you could give me some advice. Like, how'd you prepare for it when you left?

Stephanie: Oh, okay. Well, first things first, make sure you have a solid plan. You need to know where you're going, who you're going to stay with, and how you're going to get there. And make sure you have enough money, because trust me, it's not cheap living on your own.

Dylan: Yeah, makes sense. What else?

Stephanie: Well, I made sure I had all my important documents with me, like my ID and my birth certificate. And I always made sure to have some extra clothes and essentials packed. You know, just in case things didn't work out with Ben.

Dylan: Alright. I mean, you guys not working out is not even a possibility, but I guess it's good to always be prepared. That's a useful thing to keep in mind. Thanks, Steph.

Stephanie: No problem. Just make sure you're careful about it, Dylan. Try not to make any drastic decisions, okay? Running away is a huge step and it's not always the best solution.

Dylan: Yeah, I know. (pulls away from the hug, wiping tears away) I'm going to miss you a lot, Steph.

Stephanie: (welling up with tears) I'm going to miss you too.

That's it for now.

Dylan has had it up to here with his family drama (some of which he is actually responsible for, imo lol). He wants out. But (spoiler alert) it won't work out exactly as planned. Because of course it doesn't…

And we get a bit of Bret and Elise in this part as well! Their part was my favourite to write, honestly. It also took me the longest lol.

Bret is remorseful over hurting Elise the way he did, and he really wants to make things right with her. Elise isn't quite as patient and forgiving with him here as she used to be (she knows that it's not her job to fix his life, and she's not afraid to put him in his place and call him out on his crap lol), but she'll eventually come around. At this point, Bret is realising just how important his relationship with Elise is to him… and this will get explored even further next time.

Hope you liked this part!

[fuwahiko]

NOT ME TAKING LITERAL DAYS TO FIGURE OUT HOW MUCH BACKSTORY I WANTED TO GIVE THIS AND ACCIDENTALLY CLOSING THE APP AND LOSING WHAT I HAD WHEN I WAS FINALLY GETTING SOMEWHERE I-

Im a disaster but i finally got my head on straight alright HERE'S SOME OUMOTA FOR YA

SO. The V3 kids have gone on the town to hang out. Why? They were sick of always going to Amami's house. They needed a change of scenery. What are they doing? Karaoke? Bowling? Who knows. But they're all making fun of each other.

Their collective love language towards each other is bullying.

At some point, a lot of people get hungry. Miu, for some ungodly reason, yells at Kokichi to go and order for them. And bring the food down when it's done. For some even ungodlier reason, Kokichi agrees. Without an argument. Not even an insult.

He does kiss Kaito while flipping everyone off before walking off, but now everyone's scared of what the gremlin's planning. Only Kaito's safe if Kokichi's got something planned. Boyfriend priveleges work...sometimes.

With Kokichi, he's waiting for everyone's food when someone shouts his name...or something close to it. Intrigued, he turns around and immediately tenses up. But only slightly.

It his ex-boyfriend. Kokichi never wanted to see this ex (who i call Fuckface McAsshole) again. It wasn't healthy, and when he tried to break it off, said ex lost it and dragged shit out for a week and a half. Kokichi was about to turn and rush towards Kaito and the others, because safety in numbers (plus Kaito could throw a mean punch), but the ex got there first. He had also accidentally left his phone on the table with the others.

There was no calling for help. Kokichi was stuck.

So he was forced to play the long game. He didn't wanna make a scene in such a public place. He let his ex talk and talk and talk while retaining none of what he was saying. When the ex noticed Kokichi wasn't listening, he commented. ("...why aren't you listening to me, Ko? Got somewhere better to be? With people that actually want you around? Fucking doubt it.")

When he hears that, Kokichi snaps. Not completely, but enough to get snappy

"Actually, my friends and boyfriend are waiting on their food. I'm here to get their food. And I can't hear the person calling out numbers because of your blabbering. So be quiet."

Kokichi knew he shouldn't have snapped. He knew as soon as his ex's eyes widened, then narrowed. He'd never admit it, but that look made him slightly nervous.

From there, everything escalates very quickly. Quicker than Kokichi anticipated. It's about to get real ugly in two seconds. And everyone's going to hear and stare at whatever's going to go down.

......soooooo now i hand it off to you. What exactly happens between Kokichi and his ex? How do the V3 kids find out about all this, and how do they react? How does Kokichi react after that fiasco? And what do they all (extra emphasis on Kaito bc Oumota) do to try and comfort and/or cheer up Kokichi after THAT?

(Did i listen to "Happier than Ever" by Billie Eilish when i thought of this...maybe i did and maybe i didn't. You can't prove anything.)

this is a really interesting scenario! kokichi feeling so backed up into a corner like that is certainly unusual, for one thing.

ok ok so I like the idea of like, kokichi trying to work on himself a lot. dude needs therapy. and in this au I can see it being the case that kokichi has been working through stuff a lot and has managed to become so close with everyone because of that - like I'm sure in a non despair au he wouldn't be quite so... ~the way that he is~ anyway, but he'd likely still have a lot of issues and struggle to get along with everyone at first, but then with some encouragement from someone he trusts and gets along with more (kaito? maybe someone else? maybe it's more of a slowburn with him getting closer to kaito?) he'd eventually start going to therapy and start slowly working on himself, as well as starting over with some people he maybe started off on the wrong foot with before. it might take some time, but eventually even the people that really didn't get along with him start to open up a little and try to understand him more, and he does the same for them. everyone sees how hard kokichi is trying, and he's really changing for the better, and that inspires them to work on themselves too and it brings everyone a lot closer.

so. when kokichi's ex shows up, it stirs all of this awfulness inside of him, all of this bitterness. it ends up starting to pull at the worst things within kokichi, trying to bring it all to the surface, and kokichi is trying his hardest to stop himself from saying something horrible, from making a scene, from making every stranger in the area turn to look at him with that look that makes him want to disappear. he's trying so hard not to fall back into old habits and old behaviours; he's been working so hard and finally things are looking up for once.

but then he slips up.

he knew he shouldn't have said anything, but his ex wasn't going to leave him alone anyway, and suppressing his own emotions was getting too difficult, so he had to do something. but now his ex was glaring at him even more than before, and kokichi could feel the rage radiating from him, and he immediately regretted ever opening his mouth. but he'd already come this far, and his ex had backed him so far into the corner that all kokichi could do was bite back just as hard.

kokichi's ex raised his voice, and it was like the floodgates had been opened. everything he was saying was blurring together into an endless string of sharp needles that pierced into kokichi, targeting all of his weak points, hurting him over and over, each needle piercing deeper than the last. kokichi snapped back, his own voice just as loud, throwing insult after insult and trying to dig up all that he could think of to hurt him back, trying to find just the right words to hurt his ex even deeper than he had hurt him, all the while a smirk spread across his face as kokichi pretended like he was enjoying himself, enjoying this conflict, but with every word he fired back he only felt more hatred towards himself. it was a form of self destruction, and now that he'd started hurting himself, kokichi didn't know how to stop.

just when kokichi felt like his own self hatred was going to swallow him whole, he half-registered footsteps growing louder just out of view. then, before he knew it, suddenly his ex was being lifted off the ground in front of him.

kokichi's eyes widened as he finally processed what he was looking at. it was kaito. kaito was here and he had grabbed the ex by his shirt and lifted him up, a furious expression spread across kaito's face.

"the fuck are you doing to kokichi?!" kaito practically roared as he held his free hand in a fist.

after maybe a brief moment of relief, kokichi felt fear and panic grab hold of him, and when he met eyes with kaito he seemed to immediately understand exactly what he was feeling.

kaito let go, letting kokichi's ex drop and stumble as he found his footing. "sorry. I wasn't gonna do anything, I didn't mean to scare you." kaito looked ashamed now, and he turned away from kokichi for a moment. kaito had been working on himself a lot too, specifically dealing with anger issues and his tendency to resort to violence when things got hard to deal with, and he'd been making a lot of progress. kaito knew he would've decked this guy if kokichi hadn't looked so upset, and he felt horrible about it. he felt awful that he was just reverting back to his usual ways, and he felt even more awful because he'd made kokichi feel worse, even if only for a second. he felt like such a disappointment. kokichi felt horrible too, and he felt like it was his own fault that kaito had gotten so worked up, that if he'd just dealt with his ex in another way then kaito never would've gotten dragged into this. kokichi had brought the worst out of himself, and now he felt he was doing the same to kaito, pulling him down with him.

just then, security showed up and asked them to leave. kokichi and kaito both had the thought of telling them that the ex was the problem and that they'd just been going about their day until he started shit, but neither of them said anything, just left without making any more fuss. they gave them their money back for the food at least, but now the whole thing had just been a waste.

when they grouped up with the others outside again, kaito holding kokichi's hand as they walked, everyone was chatting and laughing together as they had been doing all day, but they all quickly realised something was up as they saw how shaken kokichi looked and how kaito's face was scrunched up with frustration. of course they'd also seen that the two of them were empty handed, but that wasn't their main concern.

"guys? what's wrong?" kaede rushed over to see them, a look of worry spread across her face. kaito squeezed kokichi's hand a little tighter as he told them all what he'd walked in on. he decided to do the talking himself, knowing kokichi was struggling at the moment and not wanting him to have to explain everything on top of that. he didn't really know what had been happening exactly, but he'd gathered that this guy had been kokichi's ex, and he knew he'd started something with kokichi because he knew that kokichi would never start anything like that himself now.

maki suggested they all move to somewhere quieter, so they headed down a nearby street that lead to an open area with a park that was surrounded by a long wall that was low enough to sit on. kaito sat with kokichi on the wall, pulling him in close at his side and wrapping his arm around him firmly, reassuringly. kaede sat on kokichi's other side, speaking gently and offering to let him borrow her earphones to listen to some music to help him calm down. he refused, but he appreciated the thought. himiko sat on the grass at his feet in silence, but he knew her well enough now to know she was trying her best to support him, even if she didn't know what to say or do. shuichi and maki sat down beside kaito, who was calmer now, but concerned for kokichi and still upset with himself.

"it's all my fault..." kokichi mumbled sadly, his head resting against kaito and his hand clinging onto his shirt. "it's not your fault. he started it, didn't he?" kaito questioned, already knowing the answer. "not that. I mean... I got you involved." kaito ran the hand that was holding kokichi up and down gently along his arm to comfort him, his free hand reaching to stroke his hair. "don't worry about that, that's not your fault at all. I shouldn't have lost my cool. ...sorry again about startling you." kokichi shook his head. kaito felt kokichi's body start shaking, and he realised he was crying. "I'm the worst... I'm the worst, I'm the worst, I'm the worst." kokichi cried as he buried his face further and tried to hide away. "nothing's changed, I'm just as shitty and horrible and worthless as I always have been... I should've just... done things different... but I did the same as I always do..."

of course. kaito finally realised the real reason why he was so upset. sure he was upset over his ex showing up and the nasty things he'd been saying, but now that they were away from him he was more upset with himself than anything, because he'd worked so hard and he felt like none of that work had actually gotten him anywhere. he felt like change wasn't possible, because if he'd reacted that way then to him that surely meant that he was exactly the same as he'd always been, despite how much he'd tried.

"hey. that's not true and you know it." kaito was about to continue, but miu interrupted. "yep, that's bullshit. ha! if you think you're terrible, that guy sounds ten times worse! what a loser." gonta also spoke up, obviously very upset that anyone would raise their voice at his friend. "hmm... that not how gentleman should act. should be polite, even if ex doesn't like you."

"kokichi, we can all see how far you've come and how hard you've been working, so please don't beat yourself up over this one time. that guy is the one at fault, he put you in a difficult position, a really difficult position, and you wouldn't have reacted that way otherwise." kaede reassured him. "she's right, you wouldn't do that unless you felt you had no other choice." shuichi agreed as he handed kokichi some tissues. kokichi had calmed down somewhat, but he needed to get his emotions out still, so everyone waited patiently, offering words of support every so often, kaito still holding him and placing a few kisses on the top of his head, until kokichi stopped crying and pulled away, sitting up and drying his eyes.

angie jumped up off of the grass. "we should do something fun!" rantaro looked up at her from where he was sitting. "you mean like a distraction?" "nyahahaha! yes! doing something fun will help kokichi take his mind off things and feel better!" "do you have something in mind?" kiibo asked. angie thought about it for a moment. "hmm... nope!" rantaro sighed. "we shall just have to think of something, and we should also find somewhere else to eat as well." kirumi said as she stood up, dusting off the front and back of her dress.

ideas began getting thrown around and the atmosphere lightened up quickly - everyone chatting and suggesting fun things to do together, kokichi just quietly listening, but feeling a lot more comfortable again and appreciating his friends' efforts to cheer him up. it wasn't too long before kokichi was joining in, though, and everyone was relieved to see him slowly returning to his usual self; a bit immature, sometimes annoying, but funny, sweet, so full of life. kokichi was someone they'd all grown to love, no matter how things might have started out for some of them with him, and he wasn't at all who he thought he was when he was feeling down on himself. they hoped that one day kokichi would finally understand that.

[bearsfakedthemoonlanding]

a journal entry

[tw: talk of suicide, religious trauma, big sad feelings]

one of the worst times of my life was a month after coming out the second time. I was 23 years old, had lived in my hometown with my parents for a year after college before moving for grad school. I was all alone in a big city, brand new culture, friends scattered around, partner all the way across the country. I was in school for therapy and doing a lot of big emotional work I'd never known how to do before, and I was about six months on T. I hadn't seen my parents in seven. I built up this coming-out for months, dreading and anticipating.

I've written before about how badly it went. I've never had my parents so deeply disappointed in me. I've written as well about Pastor Kretzschmar and the phone calls I endured. The amount of religious trauma sludge that was being unearthed in me. so many things I thought I'd gotten over.

I'm 23, my parents hate me, my youth pastor has shattered my religion, and I had to dissect myself in writing for a professor. The Tuesday of finals week I catch a sore throat. on Wednesday I turn in my final paper. on Thursday I can barely stand up.

I've been terribly sick a handful of times. MRSA and sepsis were bad, but I was 13 and had no idea how close I was to dying, so it didn't seem that bad going through it. pneumonia was more frustrating than anything-- can't lay down, can't breathe, can't stop coughing, can't go to school, can't go home from this stupid hospital, can't stop having fever dreams about snakes and panic attacks that send the nurses rushing in to check my heart monitors.

COVID was bad: the fatigue, the pain, the aches, the elephant on my chest and feathers in my lungs, and the headache that truly felt like being crushed. the feverish hallucinations, the endless trembling. the realization that i was trapped, alone, in a house with nobody who loved me within eight hundred miles and no way to pay my medical bills and just. the fear. the overwhelming fear and loneliness of it all.

catching COVID encapsulated how i felt in the aftermath of my coming out. hurt. gutted. on fire. so fucking scared. angry.

a decade ago I started putting the pieces together-- a plethora of things I knew was wrong with me, and one I finally found the words for-- my sexuality.

I remember being fifteen and keeping myself up at night trying to pray and just sobbing. sobbing because it didn't make sense and nobody would answer my questions and i was too terrified for confession and i didn't understand how i could try to hard and still be such a total and utter failure. how i could hurt everyone so bad. how i wasn't even trying to do anything.

seventeen was bad because my worst fears started manifesting. i was terrible. i was thoughtless. i was too emotional and too sensitive and somehow also too quiet and too stoic and too cold. my grandmother died. my other grandmother tried to kill herself again. she'd tried a few times in my childhood, but this was the first time she was hospitalized for it. we hated each other-- her and i-- and it broke my mom's heart that i wasn't more upset by what was happening. even though I'd internalized my role of being quiet and emotionless and not making it worse for anyone.

all of that, and i figure it can't get worse, so two months later i come out. my mother is scared, furious, loud and thundering and crying constantly. and i knew i was terrible, but seeing it is different.

when i came out again nearly seven years later, my mother was angry but my father was emotional. he started planning my funeral. i had finally done something bad enough for them to give up on me, and that manifestation slaughtered me.

I'm writing this to purge whatever sad and angry thing is trying to crawl out of my throat. I've been praying again, and involved with a church, and it's awoken someone furious and heartbroken inside of me. the kid is eleven- fifteen- seventeen and scared and shaking and pissed as hell, and I want to take her them by the hands and squeeze and tell them it's going to be okay. tell them to lash out and hit something. tell them we figure it out, but keeping it all in our gut only makes us sicker.

I've been unwell a million times. childhood me was sensitive and anxious and terrible. she didn't know how to exist in the world, and i love my parents for doing their best, but i wish they'd noticed her reading their parenting books to try and figure out what was wrong with her. i wish they'd asked her what she thought about god, found out the existentials of their religion gave her stomach aches. wish they'd asked an expert why she cried so much.

I wanted to kill myself in high school. I shook myself out of panic attacks before work and i talked my online friends down from the edge every night at 11pm before going out to drive my mom and linda home from the bar.

I didn't want to kill myself in college, but i thought about it a lot. i had an index card folded up in my wallet that i promised a nice lady named Rachel I would look at any time the thoughts got too loud. i felt the moods wash through my like waves, waited for them like clockwork, every few months there they were again. I hurt myself. I let people hurt me, and not just in ways that were healthy and fun. I was so scared of myself and couldn't even begin to see a future that made sense, a future that felt good, couldn't see anything but heavy awful dread.

twenty-five and things are better, but sometimes i feel worse. the more makes sense, the less i understand. the more i find places that hurt, the more i find people to blame, the more i understand even more and put that blame away. i find things that hurt in me and i dig my thumb in like a bruise.

another five years and i pray i'm comfortable, pray i've dug out all the tragic rotten parts of myself and set them out to dry, let them wither in the sun and turn to jerky, let the crows swoop down and carry some away, scoop up others and drop them into my pocket, carry them around to remember but not to hurt.

this has gone off the rails. i think i feel better now. in case anyone's wondering, i haven't wanted to kill myself since march 2020 (ironically). i haven't had an unprompted panic attack since october 2021. i cried half an hour ago, but that's kind of a victory too.

[siriuslyshewrote]

In The Embers~ Bonnie Gold

Request (s):

‘Can you do one where the reader is Finns twin and she never really talks to anyone other than her family and one day she goes to town and people are trying to talk to her and she doesn’t respond and they start to get mad but then Bonnie comes and sticks up for her and they hang out and she starts to open up to him and starts talking to him.’

I changed this request up a little! I tried to base Y/N’s social anxiety off my experiences with my own, and I’m sorry if it isn’t how you experience it!

Summer, 1927 - Aged 18

The sun had only risen a few hours ago, just having peeked over the horizon, but the day was already swelteringly hot, and people at the market were already bustling around, shouting prices for produce, and bartering, shoving and pushing past each other. You had taken the tram to the town a few miles over, hoping it would be quieter, but it seemed you would have no such luck.

You pulled your shawl further around yourself, one thumb rubbing patterns on the soft but old fabric in a way that helped you feel calmer. It smelt like Esme, still, even though you had been given it as a hand-me-down years ago now, and it was that comforting smell, the one of your sister-in-law who had been more of a best friend, that helped you feel a little better, as you pushed further into the crowd.

You let yourself glance down at the list Polly had given you, eyebrows scrunching a little as you tried to interpret her scrawling writing, fingers tracing over the words as you murmured them to yourself, sounding some of them out so you could understand. It was an embarrassing fact that you couldn’t read well, after having left school early, though you were significantly better at it than your twin brother, Finn, who was as illiterate as a toddler. Ada had made an attempt to teach you both to read, a long time ago, but it only stuck with you, Finn preferring to hang onto the words of your older brothers instead of learning.

Someone bumped into you suddenly, and you promptly dropped the shopping list, cursing a little under your breath.

“I’m so sorry!” You heard a boys voice speak, as you lifted your head, to see a rather apologetic Bonnie Gold, who had bent down to pick up the paper. “Wait - Y/N?”

You had known Bonnie for a few months, meeting him one night when Finn dragged you to the pub, to drink with the Junior Peaky’s - Michael, Isaiah, he, and Bonnie. Bonnie seemed to fit well into their dynamic, better than you ever felt you had, even though half of the boys were your family, but you couldn’t resent him for it, not with the shy smile he had shot you when you sat down. You wondered if Finn had talked to him about you before you met, because not once during the night did he question your quietness, or how you couldn’t maintain eye contact, or how sometimes you would trail off leaving silences in conversation. He was just plain sweet, which you didn’t expect, for a winning boxer, and he made you feel more comfortable as the night went on, with jokes and laughs.

"Hi, Bonnie." You smiled, taking back your list from it, glancing down at it. "How're you?"

He was dressed in a simple shirt and trousers, tan from the summer darkening his face, freckles dotted on his nose. His hair was as wavy as ever, and for the first time in in a few months, there was not a peaked cap perched upon it, and you found yourself appreciating that.

"I'm fine. Just here to get some stuff for my dad, it's the closest place to the camp."

"Tommy told me you were around here somewhere." You nodded, looking at the vegetables at the stand in front of you, deciding whether to get green or yellow peppers.

"You been asking after me, like?"

He teased, and you felt your cheeks burn a little, as you cursed your tendency to blush all the god damn time. Of course, you had been asking about the boy, wondering just where the in the surrounding countryside of Small Heath that his camp was, and wondering internally why he wasn't  around as much recently. You would never tell him, but there had been a twinge of disappointment every time there was a meeting and he wasn't there, or when you got to the pub after Finn made you go, and he didn't appear.

"You flatter yourself, Bonnie."

You smirked, deciding on green, and picking them up, handing them to the vendor of the stall who was giving you a distasteful look. It didn't surprise you - with your tendency to dress like Esme, like your culture, instead of how a normal Brummie girl dressed, you were often met with distrust and disgust by people who didn't know you were a Shelby, and so felt it was their every right to be judgemental. If you were more self-assured, like Finn or Tom, or Arthur, you'd say something, but, as your family often joked, you were the opposite of your older siblings.

"What have you been asking then? You've gotta at least tell me now."

His voice was as sweet as ever, though you were half sure that there was a tone of flirting within it, which made your stomach feel as though butterfly's were swooping around inside it. You let yourself smile wider, chewing your lip.

"Wouldn't you like to know." You glanced back to the vendor, your cheeks still red.

The man muttered the price, different to how he had jovially told the woman in front of you just minutes ago. You chewed your lip, passing the coins, going to turn around, Bonnie following you, drawn away from looking at the jewel colours of the fruit that was, admittedly, quite impressive, and had distracted him from the mans dirty look. You didn't notice, but his cheeks were a little pink, too.

"Fucking Gypo's." The vendor muttered to his friend as you turned around, quietly, assuming you wouldn't hear. "Surprised they ain't stealing, for once."

Your cheeks burned, fists clenching, though you wouldn't dare turn around and tell him what you thought of him.

Of course, Bonnie didn't hold that same sentiment.

"What the fuck did you just say?" He snapped, clenching his hands into fists, the paper white of his knuckles showing through his tan. It felt almost as if the market took a collective intake of breath - as did you. You stood there, frozen, watching the vendor pale a little, but maintain his sneer.

"I'm saying that your lot is always down here, stealing from good, honest people-"

"My lot?"

"Bon, lets just go-" You said quietly, accidentally using the nickname that Finn used, which had never actually slipped past your lips before.

"Fucking stealing and ruining a good town, along with those Peaky bastards-" His voice was venomous.

You tensed, jaw setting, eyes flashing, though you still couldn't force yourself to speak. Your heartbeat thrummed in your ears, as you felt the eyes of everyone on yourself and Bonnie. Your stomach swirled, but it was no longer a good feeling.

"If you knew what was good for you, you'd fucking close your mouth now." Bonnie was furious, you could tell - a vein thrumming in his forehead. He stepped further towards the vendor, and that was when your hand reached out to curl around his, clammy fingers intertwining.

"Bonnie. Forget it, let's go."

Your voice was gentle and quiet, squeezing his hand, and he glanced at you, seeing your red face, your darting eyes that almost seemed to be about to cry. His shoulders slumped a little, as if he was releasing his anger.

Shooting another glare towards the vendor, he moved away, and you breathed a sigh of relief, walking as fast as you could away from the market and all those goddamn staring eyes. Your hand was still clutched in his, almost as if it was an anchor.

It was only a few minutes later, sat on the bench at the tram stop, when you stopped hearing that beating in your ears, that you realised that yours and Bonnie’s hands were still connected, and you dropped his hand, cheeks flushing.

“Sorry.” He whispered, and you turned your head to look at him, as he shoved his hands into his pockets, kicking the dusty ground a little with his shoe. His cheeks were red. “I didn’t mean to...” He let out a frustrated exhale. “I lose my temper sometimes.”

You paused for a moment, not sure what to say.

“It’s okay, Bonnie. Really.”

“I scared you.” His voice was quiet. “I didn’t mean to ... I was just so angry. I’m sick of the way they treat us, like we’re fucking criminals-“

His voice sounded so upset that you almost hugged him.

“I know. I know. You didn’t scare me. I just...” You let out a sigh. “I get this feeling, sometimes, when I’m around lots of people. I just freeze. I can’t think, I can’t...” You trailed off, looking fiercely at the sky, refusing to look at Bonnie.

His hand reached out to yours, palm open, an invite to take, and take you did, fingers interlocking, and you moved a little closer to him.

“I didn’t know. I didn’t know that you felt like that. I shouldn’t have-“

“It happens all the time, Bonnie. It’s not so terrible. Besides-“ You let out a shaky laugh. “He fucking deserved it. I half wish you’d punched him.”

“I fucking wish I did too.” He grinned, showing off his wide smile that made your heart beat a little faster - and this time, in a good way.

You laughed a little.

“Do you fancy going on a walk? If you have time-“ He sent a shy smile.

You shot him one back. “Yeah, I think I have a few hours.”

[saybees]

How does one deal with a partner that doesn't know how to feel any negative emotions except for angry? Even the smallest thing and Jon's flying off the handle and yelling and slamming things. He lost the winch controls for his trailer over the weekend when we were away and has no idea where they could have ended up or how they might have gone missing and he's absolutely furious. He went to make himself some toast and slice some cheese and he got so mad that his toast had popped before he even got the cheese out and he slammed the brick of cheese on the counter, almost knocking a pan and a plate off the counter and I had to finish buttering his toast and slicing his cheese because he was so mad and I yelled at him for almost breaking dishes. Like I get that he's upset, but that doesn't mean he can take it out on me or other things. Like one time he had a tantrum when we were doing stuff with one of my trucks and he just loses it and starts kicking the door of the truck repeatedly and I was SO fucking mad because it's MY truck and he had no right to go and damage something like that. The door turned out to be crap anyway, but that wasn't the point. When I yelled at him to stop he screamed at me and then I screamed back and went home. He waited like an hour and then he called me and apologized, but he isn't changing his behavior so an apology means very little to me at this point. I love this man to death, but I am so sick and tired of his anger issues. I keep suggesting counseling and therapy, but he is just so sure it wouldn't help. He is so resistant to getting any help, but then he says he doesn't know what else to do. I just don't know how to get through to him that it isn't healthy for him to not be able to handle his emotions and his anger like this. It reminds me a lot of my father tbh and that's frustrating because my dad was not great to me as a kid (not that he's much better now tbh). It's frustrating that he has these angry tantrums like he does. I don't know how to talk to him when he gets worked up and he always manages to take some of it out on me and he knows that isn't fair. And like it isn't like I can just go somewhere else until he cools down. There's nowhere to go here and now that winter is coming it'll be too cold to leave the house anyway. I wish I had a workshop in the backyard I could hide in sometimes just to get away from him being a cranky bastard. And like he's quite a pleasant person to be around otherwise, but when he's mad, he's mad, and I'm so tired of not knowing what to do.

[elusive---ivory]

The Woman In Velvet pt. 5

Aaaaa, this is a lot one. This one is just all fluffy and fun.

WARNINGS: None, just fluff

PAIRING: Arthur x Oc.

Masterlist

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Three little girls were in the dining room, setting the table for their dinner.

"Ha, Seriously Sandy? You still don't have a date for Friday?" The girl with dimples giggled.

The girl with black hair shook her head and shrugged. "Looks like I won't be joining you for your triple date."

The girl without dimples gave her a shocked look and gasped. "Sandy! Don't be such a debbie downer. I'll set you up with someone."

The girl with dimples scoffed. "Really? Because, the last time you played matchmaker, you set up Dollar Dave with his sister."

The two sisters bickered until a large man appeared in the entrance of the dining room.

"Girls." The man spoke. His voice was raspy. He had a thick, black, cigar hanging out of his mouth. He looked over at the girl with black hair. The man took a seat at the newly set table.

"Deliah, Destiny, if your cousin doesn't wish to attend your ridiculous triple date, then don't force her."

The girl with black hair turned away from the man and muttered a small "Thank you" under her breath. She sat next to him, but scooted away a few inches. The two other girls rolled their eyes and sat down with them.

"Besides, I think Sandy and I would have lots of fun without the two of you, ain't that right, doll?" His eyes were glued on the girl next to him. She gulped hard. She stared hard at her cousins.

They both stared back with menacing looks. Neither of them bothered to help.

Sandy woke up to a dreaded alarm clock going off.

'Funny,' she thought. Her alarm didn't work at all. She had planned on getting a new one, but it was her same alarm clock. As she opened her eyes a little bit, she took in her surroundings. She was in her bed, and in her usual nightie. What was different about today?

"Oh fuck." She said, aloud. Sandy looked around. She threw the bed sheets off her body and quickly ran into her living room.

Arthur was standing there in the kitchen, shirtless. Sandy approached him carefully, still not fully understanding what was going on. The early morning sun was slowly creeping outside the window. The small apartment was dark, beside the light of in the kitchen.

"Hey." Sandy said, quietly.

Arthur looked around him, slightly startled. He didn't expect her to be up yet.

Arthur smiled at her gently. "Good morning."

Sandy looked down, bashfully. "Yeah, what are you doing up?" She stepped into the florescent lighting of the kitchen.

Arthur shrugged. "I couldn't sleep."

"Really? Did you fix my clock?" Sandy smiled, giggling slightly.

"Yeah, you talk in your sleep. You kept mumbling about the alarm, so I fixed it." Arthur answered, sheepishly.

"Also, we were on the couch when," Sandy cleared her throat, "we, ya know."

Arthur smiled. "You also sleepwalk."

Sandy giggled and gently punched his shoulder. "You got all of that from just spending the night with me. Color me impressed, Detective."

Arthur flinched at her sudden roughhousing, but chuckled at her joke. "Yeah, you know. I do stand up comedy."

Sandy raised her eyebrow. "Really?" She said, brewing her coffee.

Arthur nodded, shyly. "Yeah. Tomorrow night will be my very first gig."

"Huh." Sandy stirred her coffee. "Save me a seat in the front." She winked, booping his nose.

Sandy walked out of the kitchen. Arthur's eyes followed her dreamily.

Sandy finally got into her routine according, putting on a seemingly different work uniform. Instead of matted and ripped purple violet blouse, it was a red and black velvet with a black satin skirt. It wasn't at all comfortable, but she had to make do. She put on black heels matching the overall theme of the outfit. When she was done, she found her cheap frame glasses, and gently placed them on her face.

Sandy walked back into the kitchen to give Arthur a small peck on his cheek.

"I'm heading out. Here's the spare key, just incase you want to lounge around here for today." Sandy placed a small key in his hand. "Try not to burn down the apartment." She giggled stepping out of the door.

Arthur's eyes never left her figure once. She looked so elegant when she walked. His hand gently touched the cheek where she kissed him. It left him breathless.

The gloomy office building seemed to be even more dull and dreary than usual. Sandy sighed sitting there in her small cubicle.

"Hey, did you hear about those subway killings?"

Sandy overheard two coworkers talking. Often times when she eavesdropped she would mostly hear some stupid gossip like she fucked or he fucked her etc, but this seemed serious.

"Yeah, I did. I hear they were employees of ours."

This caught Sandy's attention. 'Employees?' She thought. She continued listening intently.

"Wayne Enterprises?"

"Yeah, I hear one of them was Dennis Cullen."

Sandy's eyes widened. 'Dennis is dead?' Half of her celebrated the death of that bastard, but it just seemed wrong. She snapped out of her thoughts when a coworker knocked on Sandy's cubicle.

"Sandy, the boss wants you."

She took a long sigh. She got out of her chair and walked down to the boss's office.

"Needed me, Mr. Don?" Sandy asked, being as polite as she could be.

A large man looked up at Sandy from his paperwork.

"Yes, please take a seat." Mr. Don gestured to the two chairs in front of him.

"Why were you not here yesterday?" His voice sounded frustrated.

"Well, sir, I was really sick, yesterday and-"

Mr. Don cut her off with a glare.

"Look, I'm too bent on excuses. Now, as you may know, Dennis, your associate, has recently passed away. It's a shame, I know, but he had lots of clients. Since he's gone, you have to take after his clients." Mr. Don looked back down at his paperwork.

Sandy stood there dumbfounded.

"Wait. Shouldn't the person getting his position get his clients?" Sandy crossed her arms.

Mr. Don looked at her begrudgingly. "Well, yes, but there's still so many clients he had. Most are pretty upset by the current circumstances. Could you please do these few clients?" Mr. Don held a sudden desperation in his gruff voice.

Sandy gave a defeated sigh. "Alright. I'll see what I can do about the clients."

Dennis would always brag about his clients and how high maintenance they were. How he was so lucky to always have meetings with the one and only, Thomas Wayne. His position was completely up for grabs.

Sandy didn't want Dennis's stupid position. Not like she could ever get get it. She was a woman working 45 hours a week, yet being paid so little.

'Why the fuck did people get so angry over some dudes getting killed on a subway?' Sandy growled in her thoughts, as she walked out of the office building.

All day clients were yelling and screaming about how they furious they were for not getting their fucking products. It gave her such a headache.

Her heels tapped the wet pavement. The lights of bars and restaurants colored the numerous puddles on the ground.

As she was walking down the street, she felt a pair of eyes on her.

Crack.

She turned around. Her eyes monitored the alleyway next to her. She strutted ahead, continuing her path, while being on high alert.

Crack.

She heard it again. She started walking fast. As she did so, Sandy glanced behind her. It was a silhouette of a man walking fast. Her heart stopped. She kept walking faster, until she was gently jogging in her heels. She was almost to the subway.

The man had finally caught up to her, and gently tapped her shoulder.

Sandy froze. She turned around to face her stalker.

Arthur smiled gently, taking off the yellow hood of his hoodie.

She sighed in relief. "Oh, thank god. Arthur, it's just you." Sandy smiled at her supposed stalker. "I thought you were the subway killer."

Arthur raised an eyebrow. "Oh, yeah, so I've heard."

"How could you not? It's everywhere. Who cares about some assholes dying?" Sandy tapped around her coat. "Damn it." She hissed under her breath.

"Hey, Art." Sandy said, getting his attention.

Arthur tilted his head. "Hmm?"

"Do you think I can bum a cig?" Sandy asked, desperately.

"Uh, yeah sure." Arthur handed her a fresh cigarette.

Sandy lit the cancer stick, inhaling the dangerous smoke, then exhaling it out of her lungs.

"Thanks, Artie." Sandy smiled. "Say, you never told me why you were out here following me anyway?" She said, with the cigarette hanging out of her mouth.

Arthur looked down, almost like a guilty puppy.

"I, uh, was worried." Arthur said, twiddling his thumbs.

Sandy smirked. "Worried? Aww, Artie. You don't need to worry about me, sweets." Sandy pressed a small kiss on his cheek.

Arthur started fidgeting with the bottom of his hoodie. "Uhh, well, of course, I do, Sandy. It's dangerous."

Sandy giggled. "Ok, I guess you can walk me back to my apartment." She put out the cigarette, and linked arms with Arthur.

The subway was deserted. The florescent lights flickered on and off as the loud railings of the subway train moved by.

Sandy was seated by Arthur's side, leaning on him a bit. For Sandy, Arthur was like a breath of fresh air. He was so comforting and sweet. He listened to Sandy's problems, no matter how stupid they were to her.

"So, you're a party clown?" Sandy said, holding Arthur's hand in hers.

"Yeah, at least I was. I'm focusing more on my comedy career. I've got lots of jokes." Arthur put emphasis on the word lots.

"You said that this morning. Let me hear some of your jokes." Sandy said, interested.

Arthur eyes lit up.

"Oh? Let me get my joke book." Arthur reached into his back pocket and pulled out a worn down journal. Arthur gently handed the journal to Sandy.

Sandy flipped through a few pages of the journal.

"Well, what do you think?" Arthur asked, impatient. He looked pretty anxious.

Sandy laughed a little.

"How come poor people are so confused? They don't make sense." Sandy read, still laughing. "That's a stupid joke."

Arthur frowned. "Oh."

Sandy immediately corrected herself. "No, no, no. It's great, Arthur. You're gonna be great. I know it."

Arthur's frowned disappeared, and turned into a smirk. "You think so?"

"I know so, babe." Sandy kissed his nose.

"Could I look through your book more?"

Arthur nodded.

Sandy looked through each page, but there's one page that caught her eye. It had a polaroid picture of her with twisted writings all over the page.

Mrz. Sandy Fleck

Mrz. Sandera Fleck

MY dEaR, Sandy

Sandy's eyes read the page over and over again. Arthur began to look anxious.

The subway came to a stop.

"This is our stop." Sandy handed his journal back to him. "And, by the way, it's spelled S-A-N-D-R-A." She said, stepping out of the subway doors. Arthur followed behind her.