#CAUSE SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOE

[ciaossu-imagines]

Regarding your questions:

Yeah Lorenzo does call him that when he is agitated, just to piss Ava off, which is never a fun time for anybody, but nobody said the Varia have good coping strategies. All Lorenzo knoes is that if he has steam built up he usually provokes ava so they can argue and he can just let out his frustration. In later years that even goes into sexual directions (all consensual).

Ser is close to aaalmost all his sisters. His father turns out went around "experimenting" and trying to impregnate as many women as possible to find out how flame inheritance works and if it is possible to sucessfully try for a child with either multiple flame types or directly a sky flame. Turns out thats not how that works AT ALL and the women p quickly realized he is a piece of shit, which is why Sergeys mother actually directly sought out the other women to support each other. To what Ser knows there could be siblings he doesnt even know of, bc his mother never found them or they didnt want to be in the support group. The kids were raised almost all together at least the first 5 or so (Oldest to youngest: Maria, Chloe, Jingyi, Sergey, Emilia), but even as more children joined them, Ser seems to be the only guy for a good while until 2 of the kids transition in their teens. The whole household is extremely supportive of everybody even tho the women for the most part still primarily cared and raised their own. So Sergey wasn't completely abandoned when his mother died. It was just the incident that happened to Leo that kind of broke him into apathy. His family tried to help but he wouldnt LET them help. Maria and especially Chloe tried the most to snap him out and where the first he contacted when Asuna died (he could NOT catch a god damn break). So he and Chloe are super close and now that he is an adult he wants to support Maria how she supported all of them as the oldest of the kids. Jingyi moves to China after becoming an adult but she visits for chirstmas and keeps letter correspondence with Sergey, which helps him better his mandarin.

Leo knows the most languages as he knows many spoken languages (he can hear fine after all), but also learned several different sign languages. And yes it HAS been beneficial especially before everyone kinda learned some sign language because of him. For example during a mission where they have to get some goods from a dealer, the dealer is deaf and mute so he comminicates exclusively in portugese sign language and hired an interpreter. HOWEVER, this guy he hired is a fucking scam artist and sells highly overprized (which is why they were sent to investigate in the first place) and it turns out that its not the dealer causing trouble but his interpreter. Which Leo picks up on, since they didnt tell anyone Leo CAN hear and call him out on his bullshit. So Leo just frowns and taps Sergeys shoulder, signing that the guy is lying in german, to which Ser loudly proclaims "You're a fucking liar, aren't you?" and trust me, nobody liked hearing that. Leo signs the guy that he shouldnt expect mute people to be easy targets [you son of a bitch], and Lorenzo gets a bit more THREATENING in his approach.

Ser: you rarely get that angry.

Leo: [I don't like people taking advantage of others that are impaired]

Ser: yeah, I get that.

Lorenzo: in any way we're done here, lets leave. Hey Ser, how do I sign [thank you]?

Ser: pft, Lorenzo we just established that Leo can hear just fine.

Lor: I know, dumbass i wanted to broaden my fucking horizon.

And Sergey shows him the signing for thank you in the german and italian sign language (it has slight differences). Lorenzo signs Leo a thank you in italian and Leo just beams happy and gives a thumbs up.

Additional interesting thing i thought about. Probably half if not almost all of the Vatia members are italian. And italians are known to also use their hands and gestures a lot when speaking, so every time I imagine anyone having a verbal fight its probably a LOT of different handgestures in rapid succession, which is DEFINITELY something to get used to (i also believe Hayato is prone to that especially after he returns to italy bc its just so very ingrained in him, having been raised and lived in italy for many years. Which is also fun if you imagine the fucking same with Biancchi and Shamal)

YAY! More Varia boys! Also, thank you so much for answering my questions! Lorenzo and Ava together amuse me and I support that later ship, and you are right – the Varia most certainly wouldn’t be full of people with great coping strategies. Poor Ser though. His father is a jackass of supreme measures…he reminds me of Endeavor from BNHA so his father automatically pisses me off though Sergey’s mother? Awesome woman there and go her! The communal household seems really interesting as a concept and I’m glad it was such a supportive and kind atmosphere. Really, I’m glad that before all the shit rained down on him, that there was some happiness and I’m glad he’s got those close family members, even though I doubt that even later on he really lets them help him too much. I love Leo knowing that many languages and really showing how useful he is in that situation, which is a really great one.

Oh, I like the hand-talking! I do figure Hayato is a hand-talker, just because I’ve always headcanoned him as someone who’s very expressive in his body language, even when he can’t be verbally. Bianchi gets the hand-talking really bad when she gets angry, in my opinion, haha! Interesting bit of knowledge about my country/province, but French Canadians also are huge hand-talkers and where that’s a large portion of my home province, it’s a learned trait for a lot of even the English speaking people haha!

[untamedvargulf]

That one hemlock grove fanfic I'm forever working on

[corpsehusband-simp]

Weight of the World

WARNING: This is a sensitive Fic that deals with depression, mentions of dark thoughts, punching a wall, and anxiety. It has a fluffy ending. 

A/N: Please put yourself first and don't read this fic if it will put you in any kind of dark place because of what is metions and please know that my DM’s are always open. Feel free to message me all hours of the day or night, I am always here to talk.

 Request: this is a touchy request so i understand if you are uncomfortable with writing it. it’s kinda a comfort/coping prompt but can you write corpse x reader where reader has been going through manic depression and just pushes everyone away and performs self destructive behavior, and corpse has to talk y/n out of su*icide? recently i’ve just.. been really going through it is all i can say. if you don’t wanna write it, totally understandable ❤️

Paring: Corpsex reader, Sykkuno x reader (best friends)

You rolled over in your bed as your phone rang, hiding yourself further into your covers. You woken up yesterday morning and your depression had hit you full force. You couldnt really put a finger on wheat caused your manic depressive episode but it was kicking your ass. It had been a while since you felt like this and you couldnt find the strength at the moment to pull yourself out of it and in doing so you were pushing away the person you loved the most. Corpse. The love of your life but you couldnt even answer his phone calls or texts. Instead you physically turned away from his caller ID, the last time you had talked to him was through a text yesterday telling him that you needed space and that was all.

The more you thought about it the angrier it made you, the angrier you became with yourself. As your mind slipped into darker, angrier thoughts your phone rang again but think time it was your best friend Sykkunos ring tone, Big booty bitches. 

Corpse must have called him. You thoguht before reluctantly picking up the phone, wiping tears from your face. “What Sykkuno”

“Oh uh h-hi y/n. I just wanted to uh call you and check up on you, you didnt come to the Among Us lobby yesterday.” You sighed.

“Im fine Sy.” Your tone was short and rough, you hated acting this way but you didnt want to pull anyone else down intot the slump that you were in.

“O-okay, well im here okay. Love you y/n/n”

“Yeah love you too sy. Never forget that.” and with that you hung up on him, tears running down your face again as your thoughts continued down a dark route.

CORPSE POV

Corpse was going out of his mind trying to figure out what was going on with you. After your text yesterday he had been battling his anxiety on wether or not he should oush the situation, corpse knew you depression could get back sometimes but he also understood sometimes people just needed space. So he turned to the only other person he could trust right now, Sykkuno.

“Hey buddy.”

“Oh hey corpse, whats goin on?” It made corpse smile to hear that at least sykkuno was still his normal cheerie self.

“I need a favor, I think y/n is having another episode butbut she wont answer my calls so I was wondering if you could try and call her for me. See if she answers.”

“Yeah of course man, but why dont you just go over there?” Corpse sighs.

“Im going to but I dont want to push ya know. Its- this is a touchy thing.” Sykkuno hums in agreement before hanging up. Corpse paces back and forth in his livingroom till Sykkuno calls back.

“Hey Corpse”

“Did she answer?” Sykkuno sighs.

“Yeah and she doesnt sound like shes doing very well.Im actually really really worried Corpse.” Before Sykkuno could even finish his sentence Corspe was grabbing his car keys and hoodie.

“Im heading over there now, Ill text you later with and update. Thank you for calling her.”

“Of course, just keep me updated.” Corpse faster than he ever had , it was a mirical he didnt get pulled over.

Please be okay, please be okay. He repeated in his mind over and over as he run up to your apartment door. He entered quietly and quickly, not even bothering to take his shoes off. You entire apartment was dark and eerily quiet but as he neared your bedroom he could hear your quiet cries coming from the bathroom. He knocks on the door and tires to open it but it was locked.

“Go away.” You cried with broke Corpses heart.

“Baby girl, please open the door.”

“NO please just go away!”

Your POV

You felt out of control as you cried so you puched and yelp in pain. Corpse wastes no time kicking in the door.

“Im sorry baby Ill fix that I promise.” He says quickly as he kneels down beside you. You didnt know if it was the suddenness of the door kicking in or him beig here or both but you broken down into even more of a crying mess on your bathroom floor. Corpse pulls you into his chest and you try to fight him off. 

“No leave me alone, go away!” He only held you tighter and closer.

“Y/N I’m not going anywhere. We made a promise to eachother remember? We promised to never leave eachother remember? Me and you together. Im promise to fight next to you. So please just breath and let me help baby please.” Eventually you stopped fighting against him and clung to him like your life depended on it, and in this moment you were positive it did. You didnt know how much time passed between that moment and when Corpse finally stood, holding you bridalstyle as he carried you to the room. You laid both you you down, never letting you leave his hold. As you laid there Corpse left sof kisses around your face and whispered sweet loving things to you.

“You are so strong Y/n” He ran his fingers through your hair and kissed your forehead. “You are beautiful and smart” Corpse kisses your temple. “You are worth every single breath you take, every single atom and molecule in this universe that you take up you are worthy of.” He gently lifts you chin so you were looking up at him with your red, puffy eyes. “A wise girl once told me, that I know it gets hard and feels like the weight of the world is one your shoulders but theres two of us now and you dont have to take the weight on alone.” You sniffle and look up at him.

“Hey I said that.” Your voice was weak and horse from crying.

“Yes baby girl, you did, and I hope you knoe its true. I am right here.”

“I dont want to burden you, I know you have some much on your plate already I dont want to throw my shit on there too.” He shakes his head and lays his forehead on yours. 

“You arent burdening me, the only thing that ever puts more stress on my plate is when you push me away because I cant help you when you do that.” You sniffle reaching up and brush your finger tips across his cheek. 

“Im so sorry I put you through this.” Tears started to well up in your eyes but Corpse qucikly wipes under them and peppers your forehead in kisses.

“Hey hey hey none of that baby. Alls well now. Im here now.”

“Thank you my love. You are my rock.’

“And you are mine”

✨Tumblr Taglist✨

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[mywritingonlyfans]

ooo okay it gives very much, like so strong "unrequited love" that leaves u hurt

u meet her and it starts as an amazing friendship, getting to know your friends partner through his offer "hey, s/o is looking for a roomate, mind if she moves in with you?" and u accept cause a) less rent for u and b) company all the time almost

then u start harboring feelings for her, maybe it starts small like memorizing her schedule to make her meals or making sure to by on standby if she wants a ride or a coffee, maybe making sure to always have the house stocked up on her favourite scents and tastes, then it escalates to a more close bond, one where you are closer than any best friend youve had. and it isnt unnatural to have an attraction to her, you spend almost all the time together and she seems to like all the same things you love

obviously you never say anything because youre so scared, your friend and her are still dating, and you have this guilt, because you have developed feelings and hoping to get together with someone who is in an active relationship, so its so conflicting and scary, you are indulging in thoughts that are probably uncalled for and then feel incredibly guilty about them, about escaping in a fantasy world with her

not sure if i should read between those lines ... i heard her come home today hold so much emotion behind them, in the way that the conflict makes you wonder if its better for you to cut all contact, leave the house and try and forget, but it doesnt work out that way, it cant.

and whats the harm in suggesting a small movie date, followed by a late night walk where u plan to say things that are too heavy too lightly while you return home, maybe hoping that you'll both forget the other friend who seems to be in the way of your fantasies, maybe pretend the "date" is just this friendly thing that you want to do

when she came home, her smile was so wide, and you couldnt hide the jealousy anymore. your friend makes her so happy and you are so head over heels, you start hoping they arent actually happy together, that she is faking the smiles and the jokes and that maybe their kisses and the longing touches are all for show

but then, your friend says he bought a ring. and next thing you knoe they are engaged.

she doesnt need to stay at yours anymore, so no more roomates, she has to live with her fiancé

no more going to coffee shops or watching movies because she needs to plan her life with him, not you

and yeah, it stings, a lot. and you were stupid enough to think you had a chance to win her over. you were stupid enough to believe she would see through you, dig through the friendly acts and find the underlying cause was developing love

you don't go to their wedding, much to her dismay. and theres a fight about it. and maybe the things you wanted to hide behind compliments and gifts came out as excuses and causes, exposing everything you hid this whole time your feelings developed in parallel to their relationship.

and maybe, you'll never speak again. maybe its for the better, but its been a while ever since she even looked for the text inviting her over to your apartment for drinks

(if u want it to be a happy ending (kinda shifting the prompt to "right person wrong time" just turning it 180 and lets say you do meet after, a long, long time. you've both changed, matured, developed, seen, lived. they've divorced, it didn't work. she wasn't happy. and you allow yourself to remember your feelings, the love that hurt you to abandon years ago, for her sake. to be able to see those pretty eyes every time you woke up, every night before bed. and she lets her own feelings develop, and even if they take a while to catch up to yours they feel real, the love is there and its blossoming.

your turn to buy the ring, and this time, you won't miss the wedding)

*deep gasp* idk why i'm not even surprised any more lol but that's a really good of a ansgt omg, and i can't even think of a happy ending with that song but that sounds heavely good as a happy ending either 😢

[fiftyshadesgrl]

Consumed

Deans pov

I sit and pour another full glass of whiskey, downing it in two gulps. I welcomed the burn, wishing it would burn my memories away. My memory of her. My beautiful, amazing, strong, (Y/N). Its been a year and three weeks, thats 386 days i have been drowning in the pain and whiskey.

Sam walks in at that moment and sighs. I glare up at him knoeing exactly what hes thinking. Sure enough he sat down in front of me and grabbed the bottle that sat over half empty. "Dude, youre gonna have to stop this."

I growled and grabbed for the bottle but sam held it just out of my grasp. "Sam." I warned but he didnt cave. "Give it back damn it."

Sam shook his head, "this isnt helping you one bit."

"Youre right its not, cause its still in the bottle." I said grabbing the bottle from his hand catching him off guard.

He stood and ran a hand through his hair, frustration showing. "Do you think she would want you doing this to yourself?"

I laughed humorlessly, "she doesnt fucking care."

"How can you say that dean?" Sam practically yelled.

I stood up knocking the chair over behind me. "She left me sam! She walked away without even looking back, she just walked away."

Sam threw his arms up in defeat. "Can you blame her?"

"Watch it sam."

He rolled his eyes at me he knew that annoyed me when he did that. "You cheated on her dean, not once, not twice but multiple times. She watched you night after night going out alone knowing where you were going. I cant tell you the nights she would come to me crying, wondering what she was doing wrong. She tried for so long to be what you wanted but you just kept on running around with whoever was willing to climb into your car."

His words hit me like a punch to the gut. I could feel the tears threatning to fall but i refuse to cry. I dont cry after women, but (Y/N) wasnt just any woman. Sam laid a hand on my shoulder, i didnt even know he had walked around the table.

"Youre my brother dean and i love you, i also love (Y/N) too. Seeing her in that bad of a state killed me. Do you remember when she was put in the hospital for a week?"

I thought, the alcohol making it hard to concentrate. Then the memory flooded back. She was laying in a hospital bed both her arms bandaged up, a bandage around her throat. She couldnt talk for months.

"That was the vamp nest accident wasnt it?" I asked curious where sam was going with this.

He shook his head, "thats what she told you. I told her she shouldnt hide it from you but she didnt want you to see her as weak."

"What happened then?"

Sam sighed seemingly debating on whether he should tell me or not. "One night when she tried to get your attention you left and she just broke. I was in the library researching and she walked up to me and hugged me. She told me she loved me and to make sure to tell you she loved you no matter if you loved her or not." I opened my mouth to say something but sam held up his hand. "I had a uneasy feeling when she said she was going to bed but i never thought, i didnt know she was broken that bad. I heard glass shatter and i yelled for her, she didnt answer. Her door was locked it took me a couple minutes to bust it down. I was almost to late. She broke her mirror in the bathroom slit her arms from the inside of her elbow to her wrist and she shoved a shard into her neck."

I sobered up at that, "jesus! What the fuck?" I said glaring at sam.

"She said she couldnt live without you. I rushed her to the hospital and they said another five minutes and she would have been dead." Something inside me snapped hearing that. I fell to my knees feeling like someome was constricting my airway. Sam was saying something in front of me but everything was muffled. I ran down the hall to my room, i slammed the door in sams face but he didnt try to come in. I sat on the bed and pulled out the old picture i had in my dresser drawer, it was of me and (y/n). Back when everything was good.

I loved this picture, i rememver the day and exactly where this was taken. We were on a hunt in montana, a werewolf was on a killing spree there. (Y/n) was so excited but she never asked to go. She had always wanted to go to montana, so i asked her to come along. I actually didnt even get to ask her the full question before she was jumping in my arms hugging me tightly. This picture was taken after we had ganked the bastard, i took her to a local hiking spot that overlooked the beautiful mountains and a lake.

When we finally made it to the lookout spot she pulled her phone out and took a picture of the lake. I surprised her by asking for us to take a picture together. I put my arms around her waist and right before she snapped the picture i placed a kiss right on her temple. Her smile was so beautiful, even more so than the scenery. Her smile showed love. That was a good memory, to bad i dont have more good memories to outweigh the bad.

I pulled out my cell phone and called her number, i knew she wouldnt answer it but i had to try. Just as i thought it had been disconnected or changed one of the two. I was so frustrated not at her but at myself. How could i cheat on her? How could let her go? "Sammy!" I yelled and a few seconds later he was at my door. "Do you have her phone number? Her address?"

Sam stayed silent which made me even more frustrated. "Ill take that as a yes." Standing up i picked my duffle bag up from the floor and started shoving clothes in it. "I need them both, write them down, type them in my phone i dont care. I just need them and i wont take no for an answer."

"Dean." Sam sighed but i wasnt having it.

"Now sam!" I yelled, he stood still for a minute. I almost thought he wasnt going to give them to me, but he grabbed my phone and began typing.

"If she talks to you or sees you, and thats a big if. But if she does i didnt give you this information." Sam finished typing and threw my phone down onto the bed but he remained in the doorway. Slinging my duffle bag over my shoulder i picked up my phone and shoved it into my jeans pocket.

"Thanks sammy. If you need anything." I didnt get to finish when sam nodded and wished me good luck. When i slid into the drivers side i pulled my phone out. My heart beating so hard and fast as i looked at the address and number. She only lived two towns over. I pulled baby onto the main road before i dialed her number.

"Please, please, please, please." I whispered to myself as it began to ring. It rang six times then went to voicemail, in all honesty im glad she didnt answer. I didnt leave a message either. If i had or she wouldve answered she wouldve known i was coming for her. Now i have the element of surprise, she cant run if she doesnt know im coming.

@an-unhealthy-obsession @vicmc624

@tftumblin @holylulusworld @justanotherwinchester

[queencryo]

@silly-go-round is asleep right now.

i guess i should make a journal for the past few days. as good a time as any. as AMY. heh. cuz shes super good and amazing. heh.

uh...... lessee.... for the two days after the last journal i just. hung out at the house while silly worked. i managed to not keep her in bed and make her late the second day. hung out a lot, watched more adventure time, worked on my tumblr filter script (lie. i judt ran it on my main. 200 posts / day is a bitchhhh) , played a good amount of ds3 (to pointof tetris effect at a couple points the nexg few days)

also did some like. helpful tasks. washed some dishes (undone quicklu, but. eh). not enough, mot as much as i shouldve, but... i tried i guess.

alao we've like. said the same thing at the dame time a Lot while ive been here and its like. nice. its really nice. same wavelength! i feel so close go her.

oh! alxo night before last we went grocery shoping. got food for prolly enoygh for the two weeks, but i guess we'll see. also a cheesecake! it was.... echausting. hily fuck it was exhaysting. jesus. the store was big and it took like 3 hours and $200 to get everything but. we did itttt.

we both mentionef that like. it felt nice to like. have a full fridge 2gether. cuz. it feels like were gonna have a futjre togetjer? u know. like that is. i love her a lot and it feels good for this to feel like a home for a little while. we hope that it can be so in tbe future.

so YESTERDAY she finally FINALLY taught me how to play magic the gathering. it was. a long time coming. but she brought me into the store and like. sat me down w some regulars and had me play commander. i played moooostly her snake deck, so like.that was fun!! i kept talki g about how i woulda gotten lorescale Coatl up to 39/39 and flying, had i like. gotten q more turn. but on that game D was running a mill deck that was. extremely long to play (that game took like ~>2 hours ugh), and was very bery annoying, so i didnt get to actually do that.

but it was fun! part of me wants to blog everything, but i dont think i will.

im glad to be able to use silly's decks, bc i dont think i want to make my own. im considering making a cheap angel deck or smth, but we'll see if yhat actually ends up happening.

i also met her girlfriend Iz, who is sweet. i played magic w her fkr a while, which was fun! she was runni g an annoying mono black deck (i kkow all these... these Terms and Words now, its incredible...)

shes sweet and i think i like her. dunno if enough to date yet (which makes me Partially regret flirting w her so much in the groupchat but. hey)

talked w her some, mostly about magic, hung out while silly closed the store, pet her cat, silly discovered that cyddling w TWO girlfriends is very nice (not rhat id know ;;;;;;;), was good times. i dont think im as comfy w izzy physically yet as i may have implied in messages, which hopefully wull be rectified by the message i just sent her (my initial physical comfort with people varies, it depends very much on the person)

skip forward, me and silly make a pizza at home cuz were fuckin tired, she admonishes me for not eating for uh... like 11 hours or smth (that mornings bagel was VERY good tho omg), but adderall, so like... meh.

uh... i dont think anything else on yesterday...

today! we waaamted to go to the store at like. 2. but in actuality got there at like! 330.

i went back to sleep cuz im a losenerd, and she. made this breakfast casserole thing. which hse put into a bagel abd brought to me bc i guess shes the best person on the entire earth oh my GOD. jesus

skip... apparently she knows maximum the hormone and doesnt like them very much... fair fair. (cause for xeath)

came to the store agai. tofay. it was fun and good. iz didnt come in today, do played some more with regulars. played w what is apparently called a blink deck, which revolvea arounf exiling cards then immediately bringing them back, to capitalize on "when this enters battlefield, do smth" cards. neat!

i DID actually manage to win today!!! the victory was. literally handed to me, but like. thats fine! i was playing silly's uhhh... elintor the masked? idr her name :( the mask planewalker! deck, which. i had SO much land, most of wh8ch was enchanfed. meaning it could be tapped then untapped w eljntor's thing, then tapped again for DOUBLE MANA. i mean. i had like 9/turn even b4 that but. BUT. i also had. i think i drew 3 creatures total. bit anyway. i had the white card that gave me a life whenever a creature was put on tge board (and also, w another enchantment, made all non-me creagurss and enchantments enter the board tapped, so. nya). so... rob had a card what dealt one damGe to all other players whenevr he puta. creature on the board. then he played united forces, which lets each player commit X mana to create X 1/1 soldier tokens on all players' boards. so. we made 28 white soldier tokens on everyones board. this killed perry, ans gave me, uh. 56 life (84 - 28). i then attacked ron for 28 w the soldiers, and drew sacred mesa, which lets me sacrifice 2 mana (1 any color, 1 white, but i had so many cards that said "this land can instead be tapped for 2 of any color, so like. ueah) to create a 1/1 flying pegasus token. so i. ended the game w 44 white 1/1 tokens. goblins get fucked.attack w my ssoldiers cuz his were tapped, so brought him down to 7 life. i didng catch what he did w the enchantment, but i think he said he like. put a copy of every creature on my side of the board onto his board, and then. cipying that enchantment 3 times. so. holy FUCK. wow. BUT those all came in tapped and i had 18 flying yokens, so. i still won! yay!!!! i won a game of magic!!!!!

goblin decks scare me. stop running krenko you fucks. exponential goblins goddamn

silly would come by every so often and like. look over my dhoulder and say "oh that was dumb whyd u use fabricate for thay" which is fair. but also god i love her. (i used fabricate for a mana generator insteaf of lightning greaves. whateverrrr) i love her so much dear god. i wish i coukd help w the store more, but. on the same time i also. dont enjoy working. so. maybe part time.

hm. what ekse. oh yeah i kove her so much.

by the end of the night it was just. me and her, rob and the two regulars i started out llaying w yestwrday. theyre sweet, i like them. theyre married. the dude calls me honey smtimes, which is. kinda weird? dunno how i feel about that. i guess fine. its gender-nice, but still a lil uncomfy. otherwise i like em fien, though. but they talked abouy moving into sillys apt. so thats cool!! better than her current (awful, terrible, lazy / horrifically depressed / manchild roomate, who doesnt clean ever) roomate. i was reading the monster of the week gamebook thruout, which i... bought, for some reason. idk. oh also i wanna make a fallen angel divine, because im... predictableeee. also a conspiracy thworist whos just a trans woman w way too much time and really weird hobbies (throwing knices, butterfly knife, net friends, etc). also a spooky. i speny like. 3 hours reading thr7 the monster of the week book while ppl played magic around me. i kinda wish i hadnt bought it, but hey! its neat c:

oh, also i didnt take adderall today. i dont think it went toooo bad, i think i like. was meaner and less thohghtful with what i said, but like. i guess thats better than feared. i took a caffeine pill (200mg) at ariund 10 which is. prolly why im wide awake right now. i regret doing that, sincr from what shes said tmos gonna be big)

she says we gotta be at her moms by 4, for reasons she WONT TELL ME. bit she says its part of one of her plans, i ASSUME the romantic one? im kind of afraid that ill like. no-sell it unwillingly because im abroke and soulless human being, but uh. i guess rhats thw risks we take to be alive :shrug: im excited. were also going to a shop (diff one) tmo, which im Quite excited for, as ive only been in similar shops by accident before. also doing laundry!!! which is important ^_^

oh ysah. so we got white castle on the way home. its. yeah she was r8ght. mediocre-at-best sliders. onions are bad.

we also made a pizza. whifh i ate most of. i overate. sob.

she fell asleep halfway thry an episode of nailed it. cant blame her, she seemed really tired. i hipe i dont disturb her rwst. and i feel so utterly blessed thay i can be around her.

ih!! i also fell down the last few staies ywstersay. bruised my arms, but otherwise fine. it was. idk, it is nice to knoe that others worry fir me and like me. she was very concerned. i love her.

[shroomyslaps]

my stuff got stolen my little trinkets and awful nothings got stolen my bag with all my pins, one my friend handmade me that was of snufkin she made it for me for my birthday and another one another frienda bought me that was of 3 cats in a cricle that had the sun the moon and a star that symvbolised our little group of three. my cellphone with all my pics and a cellhanguer that my sister gave me.

they were so reude about it too, ive never heard someone talk with that tone it was realy weird ir was so agreasive but not in the violent way they just knew what they wanted i dont wanna say they knew what they were doing cause i dont know and they seem like they didnt reallydo it so often

im so ashamed that that hapoened to me i should have known better my mom was telling me that day that i though nothing could ever  happend to me and she 9o0pwas right i had to call her cause no one else would pick us up at that hour

i think about it not that much cause it feels bad and my body goes weird and i dont like it cause i see it from aoutside

it feels too notmal, the afterwards i dont know how to explain it i feel like i should feel more like if i felt more it would bee more normal or more justifide the thing taht i did or more that the thing that i did the error thati made i shoulnt have gone so late to take a bus even if i had arrived at the buss stop now im sure its woulnt even have passed it was so late and there was no one in the nigjt im just soo fuul of empty feelings and i have to tell everyone and everyone knoes and i know that in some type of sick way i wanna tell everyone and throw myself to the ground and scream and cry and let everyuone say oh poor him that that happened to im but i dont wanna do it i know i still do it to some degree but im trying to stop myself but at the same time i know im very judgemental with myself because i make everything my fault so i dont know where the line starts and ends i hate it i hate it i dont kjnow how to feel i dont know how they felt  i will nevcer be able to replicate how they acted im mad that i cant even if i think of what they said i will, never be able to replicate it

now i dont have a phone, my moms birthday is coming up and she doesnt have the money to buy me a nwe one and she wants to SO BADLY but at the same time she tells me hoe much she cant buy me one right now and i KNOW im aware. i asked my dad for money but he doesnt have it right now he can only give it to me in little bits and that angers my mom and i uynderstantd but thats the ponly way i think i will see a phone and calculate how much money i need and ask him for it little by little and then buy it with the money my mom will give me also.

i keep trying to fuish my phone out of my pocket and its not mine its the onr i have and it doesnt have a chip or internet or my apps and its just stuff but i keep trying to get distracted with that and i dont have it and now i also have been helping my mom with cleaning up and making our backyard pretty and its the least i can do, i would have still have done it even if i got mugged or not but now i have to do it even more and im not mad but it feel like im compensating.

[red-dyed-sarumane]

92 truths tag

Rules: write a note with 92 truths about you

tagged by @undinefin thankyuu

Last drink: tea!! pomegranate flavor Phone call: its been a while probably one friend from school Text message: “MY MOM JUST CALLED WOLPIS KATER WHOPASS KATER AND AGREED HE SOUNDED LIKE A VIOLIN” Song You Listened to: Monuke no Karada - MI8k (Yukimi’s cover) Time You Cried: Lmaooooo last night

Have You Ever Dated Someone Twice: nah Been Cheated on: Not that i kno of Kissed someone & regretted it: never kissed anyone Lost Someone Special: do turtles count bc  Been depressed: not like diagnosed but im pretty sure it counts now lmao Been drunk and thrown up: i cant even stand the smell of alcohol how am i gonna drink it

In The Past Year Have You Made a New Friend: Many!!! Fallen Out of Love: nah Met Someone Who Changed You: Not dramatically Found Out Who Your True Friends Are: nah Found Out Someone Was Talking About You: not that i remember

General How many people do you know on tumblr in real life: none of them use it regularly Do you have any pets: 3 dogs & a turtle Do you want to change your name: idk anymore What time did you wake up this morning: first at 5 and then later i guess maybe 7? there was a delay for school & i ended up sleeping through anru’s twitcast im sorry anru What were you doing last night: uh idk sleeping drawing Something you cannot wait for: im alive right now because i want to hear c-caste thats only half a joke like i really want to hear the full version of c-caste (also ohayo bc the clip from the crossfade keeps getting stuck in my head)(also silvana’s album) Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: probably What’s getting on your nerves right now: why i all i do sleep im so Blood Type: you would think, considering how often i get injuries, that i would know, but alas, i do not Nickname: Akire, Sass Relationship Status: yes Zodiac Sign: Scorpio Pronouns: she or they Favorite Show: i never watch anything uhh Friends, bnha, a certain scientific railgun College: LISTEN school guidance is already bothering me with this give it up but im not going there but i’d like everyone to knoe that as a joke i typed in sou.edu and guess what???? theres a college thats emblem or whatever is SOU and i love that it exists Hair Color: brown Do you have a crush on someone: my SO What do you like about yourself: i do not

Firsts First Surgery: no First Piercing: no First Sport You Joined: soccer. First Vacation: virginia i think First Pair of Sneakers: hell if i know

Right Now Eating: i just ran out of red velvet kitkats Drinking: tea I’m about to: go get the tea i claim to be drinking Listening to: Syun just finished a twicast where the ongoing joke was “Again face reveal” and syun changing the twitcast picture to various people probably found from a google search that could not more obviously be not not Again bc Again showed up in the comments  Want kids: NO please no Get married: no.... im not entirely against it anymore but it only seems to cause fighting that i’ve seen Career: i wish sleeping could be a career

Which is Better Lips or Eyes: eyes Hugs or Kisses: idk Shorter or Taller: doesnt matter Troublemaker or Hesitant: more towards the hesitant side i guess Older or Younger: doesnt matter but i hate age gaps more than like 3 years either way Romantic or Spontaneous: what... what exactly are we getting at here bc my answer would differ Sensitive or Loud: mix of both maybe more sensitive Hookup or relationship: relationship

Have You Ever Kissed a stranger: no Drank hard liquor: no Lost contacts or glasses: if i had them i definitely would Sex on the first date: no Broken someone’s heart: maybe idk Been arrested: no Turned someone down: yes theres been at least 3 occassions Fallen for a friend: thats how it works my dude thats how i work 

Do You Believe In yourself: no miracles: idk i guess so love at first sight: not really no

that makes that im not tagging anyone

[rottenbutrecovering]

my mom got me gifts for christmas and one was too small and the other was makeup and i really never wear make up but she got it for me cause i looked at it in the store one time and like thats so sweet and stuff but rn were struggling with money and i feel so selfish for not liking the gifts and her spending so much money on me on stuff she thinks i like and i could tell her i dont like them break her heart and return them for money to give her for food or lie and say i like them and 1/?

have the stuff and never use them and slowly break her heart... i just i dont know what to do in this situation i just feel so guilty that she spent so much money on me in the first place and even more cause i dont like them.... like how horrible can i be if even my mom doesnt know who i am anymore? how am i supposed to knoe who i am? i feel like im rotting away and its only a matter of time before i kill myself im really lost donnie thank you for listening.. 2/2

I think, maybe, a middle ground it best. You have a reason to ask her to return the thing that was too small! Tell her it’s lovely but it doesn’t fit so you couldn’t wear it. Then, from there, perhaps suggest using that model for food.

You don’t need to feel guilt, Nonnie. She chose to buy you gifts, and it’s not your fault you don’t like them! Sometimes people get us gifts we don’t like because we looked at them and things like that, but it doesn’t mean we don’t know them! I have people I know v well but find it hard to buy gifts for.

[the-wintergirl-universe]

its just really starting to set in that i am not any help to anyone, like it does not matter what i do. its just not enough. i am kind of really selfish, so for me it is important to know that im needed. if someone says or indicates that they need me, i get really happy. there is this friend i have, who keeps telling me that the only reason she has yet to kill herself is because she knoes for a fact that if she did, two of her friends would follow suit and kill themselves. and that is horrible. truly, imagine three people taking their lives.... heartbreaking, really. still, me being my usual awful self, wishes i had some people like that in my life. that way, id know i was needed. id know that i was needed to the extent that people would literally not be able to live without me. and that is, of course, a orrible thought to have. but i guess it doesnt really matter, because there are no one like that in my life anyways. becuse i am me. and being me is being awful.

anyways, back to the whole “it doesnt matter what i do” thing. like, i really want to be helpful to whoever i can, and no, i am not a nice person. see, i want to be helpful, butt i am not. for example, i want to smile to everyone i see, because i think it will lighten their mood if they are feeling down. now, i am unable to this due to two factors. 1, i am hella sad and lacking of energy, so i just go around with my resting bitch face, which is a really ugly look. reason number 2, is that i start thinking that nobody wants to see my smile, because that, too, is an ugly look for me. so i think, better not to take the risk, smile at someone, and end up ruining their day.

also, i cause a lot of problems to my family. like, a lot. im really problemtic. see, i am a vegan. this is because i feel awfully bad for the animals and i think animals have the right to live just as much as humans, or even more than some humans (read: me). so i dont eat animals. ever. and youd think that was a good thing, but honestly it is just really burdensome to my family. ive had countless of arguments with my parents, and my family in turkey also judge me a lot. and they always remind me of how against Allah my decision is, and that is really not helping me. but yeah, i want to do good, but end up just doung more harm. 

and i cant even say that “at least i am saving animals”, because it really does not matter. like not at all. like, sometimes ill feel so good aout myself, thinking all like “yaay, im saving animals and the planet. go me!”, right, bur literally the next second ill see someone having a dear animals corpse on their plates, or just talking about eating animals, and i realize that my efforts do not matter. cause as i am continuosly reminded by the people arond me, one person ant change anything. especially if that person is me. noot that im uniqe in not being helpful. i bet there are a lot of people as useless as me. i just dont know any, nor have i met any.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

you know what. this. this whole not a fucking relationship but still together but not. this is okay. the rest of my life, not so okay. but this is okay. i am thankful today. all night all i heard was peoples relationship drama. and like.. really dumb ass menial shit that amounts to nothing but its everything because these people have created an ideal relationship and how ppl are "supposed" to behave while ignoring the fact theyre dealing with a human being. but u knoe what. i didnt even get this until now. like over the past few months and living in this situation and analyzing my reasons for doing what i do - i get it. this is like a totally next level relationship which is unmatched by anyone i know. we totally did the right thing. of all the wrong things in our life and every mistake we made we did the right thing. because were friends. and we were good friends. we made active choices to be around each other for purposes other than fucking and we spend a majority of our time not fucking. but were not seperate completely, my past relationships we filled our time with watching tv or video games and it was so fucked. i spent years sittint beside guys on a couch and thst amounted to our relationship. one friend was talking about her boyfriend being upset about how late she was out and wanting to hang out with her. i mean, who cares? thats actually nice. youre going to go home to someone. who wants to be around you. not relationship drama. just a needy guy. a second friend is on day two of fighting with her boyfriend because someone was angry and she escalated things by not allowing him space to think about what was happening and expectjng in depth emotional answers until he tells her to go fuck herself. just leave it alone. do you care. do you. hes grumpy about some next shit and youre ignoring the fact hes grumpy and expecting him to do all this shit and romance you. leave it alone. a third friend was worried her boyfriend was cheating so she went thriugh his facebook, saw something questionable then proceeded to try and fuck multiple guys instead of asking him in a reasonable way. he then caught her by going through her facebook too. because they shared a laptop between them and didnt clear passwords. the amount of time i have availabke to me with a phone that has no password and access to laptops i could know everything that ever happened in the past yr of his life. but do i need to know. do i want to know. if any of that shit effects me i trust hes going to tell me. i go out of my way to make it visibly respectful of his things. i also believe in no way at any time has he ever looked thriugh my things. he has never once even in anger blamed me or associated me with any fault towards cutting off his finger. which is right - i didnt cut off his finger. but he was doing these things because i asked. he was doing them because hed do just about anything for me that i asked that didnt compromise his freedom. instead he acknowledged how he made a decision that led to him traumatizing everyone that was around him and himself. and now we all live with that and i honestly believe he holds me sooo blameless - even when others joked about it being my fault hes ignored it - because i believe in his heart he truly thinks i dont need that. like for all the shit thats happened to me i dont need to have the weight of him telling me i caused him to literally lose a finger. for rhe rest of his life he will associate me and the finger. i will alqays be apart of him and this story. like.. its a bit of a joke but i think the perspective is like.. he thinks hes been run by women and theyve taken his money and caused him to do shitty things but this act was selfless. this was out of love. despite being disabled he wanted to do this for me. no benefit of his own. and what was probably inevitable happened. its actually admirable and sweet that we had developed a relationship that led to us collaborating with our strengths. imagine not being me and reading this and suddenly someone has lost a finger like all this time and now boom no finger. thats how it feels to lose one too. i feel so bad for him and he regularly says he wishes he didnt do it or that he cant believe he did it. i hold his hand and let him use his hand to touch me how he always would but of course its weird. of course. its not bad, but its weird. ive always tried to treat it as something normal. ljke this is just life now and this is normal and him missing this finger is normal ljke everyone else could be missing one too. you would never touch or do weird rhings to someones finger normally so i never do that to him. its not a bad tattoo, its a loss of an appendage and its like you know.. losing a finger - not the worst rhing. his life goes on with a shorter finger. he can do everything he did before. he lost nothing. but what never changes is a constant reminder that something once rhere is not there anymore. and that sucks. you never get over that. so its little things like gloves and he wears gloves all the time at work. he worked for months with unaltered gloves but i realized how depressing it must be to have this flap of fabric hanging there, making you constantlt know you fucked up. evergtime you see it and feel that fabric. so i cut all his gloves to fit half a finger. because i feel like it would feel good to put on somerhing that was made for your normal and not the majority. like you can feel like everyone else again and not have that reminder. if i could build him a finger, i think i would. if i can customize his gloves atleast its something. my new romantic dream set in more realistic standards is having his mother convert part of the basement to a studio apartment type thing. but thats really selfish of me because i want to keep my cats and the onlt way i could while living there is having this set up. i dont love him more than my cats. theyre with me more. theyve been with me longer. if he wont leave then let me come in. the other day he joked that my apartment searching was taking up attention from him. i said, "well, give me a place to live then." he laughed and paused, "i dont think so, no" i told him to shut the fuck up then and he feigned being shocked, "how could you say that, how could you tell me to shut the fuck up.." nothing has changed. thats actually the most that needs to be said in a conversation involving him as a solution. on both sides. you got nothing for me? shut the fuck up. leave me alone. he hasnt once offered me a solution, even temporarily. but i guess because its all my fault. and we fought - i was vehement about not needing his help. i didnt need to stay with him. i didnt need to move with him. i had a different worst case scenario plan and i still do. but its worst case. and its the last choice i want to make. he could even help me get a place he stays in part time and i could pay the other half and take care of the place. but thats another romantic dream. he doesnt want to pay rent. he doesnt want to ljve with me part time, or full time. for all i know hes fucking fhis old lady at a cottage right now and my romantic dreams will be totally useless time waster.

[lonelysolstice]

High Logs #1

I fucking ate a nug of weed so i could het my angel bites pierced and not di e and i was a lil high ajdni just got my secon d winf and i am sugfering i wanna start doing high logs. I want to relive how i think and feel and act and when im like this

Everyrhing feels differient and i tried drqwinf but i have no mticatuj and the idea i nerd

Im numb Im cold In lonely I deed help I need my frienda and erika osnt evnough I have to have constant validation anf i cant let myself admit it to anyone without feeling like totally shit

I miss cass.

I want to believe we’ll get back together but i can’t believe that she onlu dumps me cause of their work and their friend dying It could be but self doubt always comes back and kills me. Its cause she doesnt like me She thinks im fat and loud and annoying and shes be right in saying so But im in no place o incalidate her feelins when it comes to this I cant make her stay with me But i think she’s great And i miss her My face hurts My heart hurts I dont want to leave erika but i have to leave They say i can stay if i need to but i know theu want me out. I can feel it and i count the days til i leave but erika only has me and chris and with me gone and chris not around t hsy often ill feep like shit Sshes trying ro het a job ans is willing to live with me hut id i live ’ th her ill feel even more out of the liop with my friends I already am feeling ifjored when ibdont get messages all day and i cling to whateber i cant when ’ do get a nessagw I Wish i didn’t exbust I wish i was deas I widh i could talk to someone about thusbthat wasnt a therapist I dont like therapists They dont like me I wish i could go to a locked unite and stoll have people waiting formme when i camemiut I want to die I want to disappear and knoe i cant withour regretting leaving my friends behind and i cant handle knowing they wont even miss me