#COULD YOU GOD DAMN IMAGINE HOW INSANE THE HOTEL WOULD LOOK ANIMATED

[hatchetmode]

Everyday I fantasize about the hotel pod being fully animated

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 301: All My Todorokis

Previously on BnHA: We learned that when a bunch of superpowered villains are suddenly set loose with nobody around to stop them, things get fucked pretty quickly. Old Man Samurai and a bunch of other useless people decided to make “I pretend I do not see it” their new mantra, and resigned. Endeavor had a moment of despair on account of being crushed by the guilt of having ruined the lives of himself, his family, and basically everyone else in the entire world. For various reasons the heretical notion of “person who has done bad things feels sorry for doing them” sent fandom spiraling into a meltdown, so that was fun. The chapter ended with the entire Todoroki clan descending upon Enji’s hospital room to have a dramatic chat about Touya and All That General Fuckery.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi is all “here’s the story of how Baby Touya slowly went insane trying to win his father’s love.” It’s a tale full of subverted expectations and heartbreaking inevitability, and also like twenty panels of the cutest fucking kids who ever existed on planet earth, who are so fucking cute that I can’t stop thinking about their cuteness even with all of the horrifying family tragedy unfolding around them. It is absolutely ridiculous how cute they are. Touya is out here pushing his tiny body past its limits because he inherited the same obsession as his dad and neither of them can put it aside even though it’s destroying them, and yet all I can think about is Baby Shouto’s (。･o･｡) face. Anyways what a chapter.

so I have to confess that even though I managed to avoid being caught off-guard by the early leaks, the number of people reblogging my Endeavor posts from earlier this week and using the tag “bnha 301” kind of gave me an inkling that this chapter will include more Tododrama lol. that said, I don’t know anything else about it, so we’re still good spoiler-wise

AHHHHH FLAHSBAKC AHHHH. omg I know I typoed the shit out of that, but I’m just going to leave it lol I think it’s fitting

holy shit holy fuck. so this is Rei and Enji’s first meeting, then??

yepppp, oh shit

so wait, I know this is not even the slightest bit important, but are they meeting at Enji’s home or Rei’s? because I always figured that Enji was the one with the super-Japanese aesthetic, but maybe that was Rei’s side of the family all along

(ETA: from what I found during my very brief google search, omiai meetings are often held at fancy hotels or restaurants, so maybe that’s what this is.)

there’s such a period drama feel to this setting. like it’s so outrageously formal fff how can anyone stand this kind of atmosphere though seriously

OH THANK GOD

I mean they’re still stiff af but at least they’re not rigidly sitting in seiza and staring at each other unblinkingly anymore lol. Enji’s actually got his hands in his pockets now. why is this somehow almost cute

oh damn it’s the flowers

Rei seems so subdued and it’s so hard to get any idea of what she’s actually thinking. I want to see her side of this dammit

but anyway, so at least from Enji’s perspective it seems like even though the marriage was arranged and he picked her because of her quirk, he still loved his wife and wanted to do right by her. the fact that he was watching her and noticed that she liked the flowers, and remembered that detail for all these years -- there’s a reason why Horikoshi’s showing us this. we know what’s going to happen later on; we know how much fear and violence and breaking of trust is coming up ahead, and while it may seem like this scene is serving to soften Enji’s character further -- which to be fair it is -- it also helps drive home the full impact of his abuse. that it’s so terrible not only because of the trauma of the abuse itself, but also because of the way it retroactively destroys all of the good things as well. this could have potentially been such a sweet scene, but it’s inescapably tainted by the knowledge of what’s to come, at least for me. and that’s just brutal

anyways, shit. is the whole chapter going to be like this?? feel free to toss in something I can actually make a joke about sometime, Horikoshi

oop, back to the present

omfg lol

“are you all right” “NO I’M NOT ALL RIGHT WHAT THE FUCK.” “oh, right, because of all the stuff that’s happened with me abusing you and you having a mental breakdown and being hospitalized for ten years and then our son coming back to life and killing thirty people, right, right. I almost forgot.” whoops

omfg you guys I’m loving this new and improved steely-eyed Rei. I’m loving her a lot

and what do you mean “part one” fkjds how long is this going to be. TOO MUCH DRAMA FOR ONE CHAPTER TO HANDLE

oh, hello

yeah I’ll say you did. didn’t seem to bother you much at the time, though

HMMMMMMMMMMMM

Dabi Is A Noumu intensifies even further. anyways though would you fucking look at this boy lounging on this moth-eaten couch doing his best DRAW ME LIKE YOUR FRENCH GIRLS impression wtf

Dabi what if you actually had killed him??? what would you feel?? satisfaction?? regret?? anything at all?? tell me your secrets goddammit

who are you talking to buddy

Fuyumi-chan, Natsu-kun (is it common for brothers to address each other as -kun?? can’t recall seeing that in many other anime, but hey), and “dot dot dot,,,,,, SHOUTO” lol thank you so much for this bountiful heaping of Tododrama Horikoshi we are blessed

AH, WHAT DID I SAY THE OTHER DAY

ULTIMATE MELODRAMATIC THEATER CHILD. “I’M JUST GOING TO LIE ON THIS COUCH SHIRTLESS AND ALONE AND MAKE SPEECHES TO MY FAMILY MEMBERS WHO AREN’T THERE AND SAY THINGS LIKE ‘WATCH ME IN THE PITS OF HELL’ WITH A STRAIGHT FACE BECAUSE NO ONE’S THERE TO JUDGE ME.” WELL JOKE’S ON YOU MISTER CHATTERBOX BECAUSE I AM IN FACT JUDGING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU LOL

(ETA: and on a more serious note, it’s interesting to see that “look at me”/”watch me” theme being used again though, because we see that same sentiment uttered repeatedly by the younger Touya in the flashback. well kid, you definitely got your wish at last. don’t know what else to say.)

OKAY HORIKOSHI HAS DECIDED THAT’S ENOUGH FUN, TIME FOR MORE FLASHBACKS

oh my sweet precious lord

just as cute as we left him. giving us a child this cute when we all know full well what’s going to happen to him is just unspeakably cruel though

HOMG

I’m fucking speechless. you broke me, congratulations. what am I even supposed to do with this

I can’t get over this. moving forward my life will be split into two distinct parts, B.P. (Before the Pout) and A.P. (After the Pout)

and meanwhile there’s ALL THIS BACKGROUND ANGST BUILDING UP, AND I CAN’T EVEN FOCUS ON IT. Touya’s arm and cheek are covered in bandages (I’m guessing this is shortly after that “ouch!” panel we got some chapters back), and Enji is deliberately avoiding training with him because he doesn’t want him to hurt himself further. I can’t fucking get over the irony that all this time everyone thought Touya had died because Enji pushed him too far in his training, and it turns out that it’s the opposite -- the tragedy ultimately happened because he didn’t want to push him. but I’m jumping ahead of myself though I guess

by the way,

remember this?? just wanted to remind you that it exists just in case you forgot

so now someone is talking and basically saying that Touya is the exact opposite of what Enji was hoping for when he decided to start playing with quirk genetics

-- okay hold up

...lol no, never mind. for a second I thought “holy shit he looks kind of familiar WHAT IF IT’S UJIKO OMG” before I remembered that Enji would have recognized him during the hospital capture mission if that was the case. so NEVER MIND, PROCEED

IMAGINE THAT, ENJI DOESN’T QUITE SEEM SATISFIED WITH THIS SUGGESTION OF QUITTING NOW

(ETA: how the fuck did this man go around saving 62 towns in a single day what even is All Might.)

[clicks tongue several times] trouble a’brewin’

MEANWHILE BABY TOUYA HAS UNFORTUNATELY INHERITED HIS DAD’S STUBBORN STREAK

KLDIHWOEIJFL:KSDJ

!!!!!!!!!!!

oh my god. oh my god. what is this chapter. WHAT IS IT

so now Touya is all “YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND MY MANLY DESIRE TO BURN MYSELF ALIVE” well you got her there champ

THEY’RE TOO CUTE. OH MY GOD. HIS FURIOUS LITTLE TEARS. HER CHUBBY LIL FACE. HIS STUBBY LIL FISTS. SOMEONE HELP ME

also are they just home alone lol or what. “hey Touya, you’re what, like six now?? do us a favor and look after your baby sister for a couple hours for us would you? make sure not to set yourself on fire or anything.” WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG!!

now it’s nighttime and Enji and Rei are arguing, presumably about his decision not to train Touya anymore

whew. okay. so, a couple of things here

1. first of all I think this conclusively shows that Enji really was trying to do the best he could for Touya. he stopped training him as soon as he realized it was hurting him, but Touya was still determined so he tried to make it work anyway, and even visited doctors to try and figure out if there was anything they could do. then, once they were absolutely sure that it wasn’t going to work, he tried multiple times to explain to Touya why they had to stop. he didn’t just abandon him out of the blue, which is really important to note. “no matter how much I tried telling him...”

so yeah, that debunks another common fandom accusation. so by the time he finally makes this decision, which we all know is going to turn out horribly, it’s basically because he’s already tried everything else he could think of. which, by the way, still doesn’t mean he handled this right. but at the very least he was taking Touya’s feelings into account and he was trying, and he didn’t just abruptly toss his son aside (at least not yet)

2. buuuut, then there’s this panel right below all that

which is the other side of it. if he’d just quit like the doctor person advised him to, that would have been the end of it. Touya would still have been upset, but he would have eventually gotten over it and the family would have moved on and possibly even been happy. but what happens next happens because Enji can’t let go. he still has this maddening urge to surpass All Might, and so he and Rei keep having more children, and then Shouto is born, and Enji finally has a kid he can start projecting all of his hysterical ambitions onto once again, and everything starts spiraling out of control soon after

though p.s. none of that is Shouto’s fault though!! he’s one of the few good things to come out of this whole mess and I’m very happy that he exists. the tragedy is that his dad fucking lost his mind over his quirk and fucked everything up. but that’s on him, not Touya or Shouto

anyways, SLKFJLSHGLKJL

I CAN’T FUCKING TAKE THIS YOU GUYS??? LOOK AT THAT LIL BUTTON OF A NOSE??? I’M LOSING IT HERE???

AND TOUYA JUST SEEMS DEVASTATED OMG

because children aren’t stupid, after all. he understands that his dad is still looking to surpass All Might. and so he feels like a failure, and feels like his dad is trying to replace him because he wasn’t good enough. and even now, isn’t that what the adult Touya is trying to prove?? that he was good enough after all?? “I’ll show you what happens when you give up on me, dad”?? “I’ll show you what I can do”?? fuck my life fuck everything

AND YOU CAN SEE THE TOLL THAT IT’S ALL TAKING ON REI GETTING WORSE AND WORSE AS WELL OH GOD

really nice touch here with the panel outlines becoming all shimmery from the heat of Endeavor’s flames (and/or becoming more unstable as the family gets closer and closer to their breaking point). but man, Horikoshi I can’t handle this, please show us more cute kids or something I can’t

GKELKWFJLDKSHFLKL

WITTLE BABE. BEEB. BUBS. SMOL. lkj; oh ouch a piece of my heart just detached and latched onto him huh look at that

TODOROKI “I’M SO SMALL AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON AND I DIDN’T ASK TO BE HERE” SHOUTO AHHHHH

crazy how they all just seem to know right off the bat lol. kid doesn’t even have object permanence yet, let alone a quirk. but do they care?? IT’S THE HAIR, RIGHT. WE’RE ALL THINKING IT, I’M JUST GONNA COME OUT AND SAY IT. they knew the minute they looked at him lol

AND MEANWHILE TOUYA IS OFF HAVING UNSUPERVISED TRAINING/CRYING SESSIONS IN THE MOUNTAINS OR WHATEVER, AND, UH OH

are those blue flames yet?? they seem pretty close

(ETA: this is one of the few cases where the manga being in black and white is infuriating lol.)

OH MY GOD AND STILL

so it’s not like he was so disinterested that he didn’t notice what was happening, and he was still trying to stop it and get through to him. trying to reassure him that it wasn’t the end of the world and there were other things he could do with his life, but this one particular thing just wasn’t going to happen

fucking hell. it’s agonizing seeing how close they actually were to fixing it. if he’d only said the right words, or if he’d realized at this point how destructive his obsession could be to his kids, and backed off from putting that same pressure on Shouto. we came so close to possibly having a happy ending

AND ALSO THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING BUT PLEASE LOOK AT HOW TOUYA IS LIKE THREE AND A HALF FEET TALL AND HIS DAD IS LIKE NINE AND A HALF FEET. Touya barely comes past his knees flkjlkg. the Todoroki household must have been so filled with like plastic stepstools to reach the bathroom sink and all the little baby toothbrushes, and baby gates to keep the kiddos out of the important grown-up rooms and stuff. and also days-old half-empty cups of water and stale crackers and hot wheels and my little ponies strewn everywhere

“BUT EVERYONE AT SCHOOL SAYS THEY’RE GONNA BE HEROES” a wild Deku parallel appears?? how bout that

I know this is like a pivotal moment in the Todo Tragedy and all, but fucking look at this lil dumpling

“sup bro, it’s me, the manifestation of your fears of inadequacy and lack of fatherly affections. a GAAA. ba-baAA-baa [gurgling baby sounds]”

OHHHHH IT’S THE SOUND OF MY HEART BREAKING OH NO

HE WANTS TO BE LIKE YOU ENJI. good lord somebody please just get this family some therapy

“DAD YOU IGNITED IT IN ME” flkjslkj nope, nope. not ready for this pain here

baby Shouto, would you like to weigh in on this affair? “DA!! ba-ga-daaa, [pacifier chewing noises]” oh my, you don’t say. so insightful for one so young

OH MY GODDDDDD

IT’S SO DRAMATIC BUT ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT ARE THE SHOUNEN WOOSH LINES SURROUNDING FOUR-MONTH-OLD SHOUTO LOL HE WAS LIKE THIS FROM BIRTH OH MY GOD I AM DYING HELP

SHOUTO YOU’RE RUINING THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER!?!?!

“yo, the fuck kind of family was I fucking born into” oh, son. if you only knew. IF YOU ONLY KNEW!!

(ETA: lmao I got so distracted by the ridiculous cuteness that I glossed over the fact that Baby Touya seems to possibly be aiming at him?? it’s hard to tell because he’s also super out of it from heatstroke and may just be losing control in his attempt to show off his upgrade.)

ANYWAY THAT’S THE END EXCEPT WHAT’S THIS LAST LINE OMG

ffffff. and we’re in for ANOTHER chapter of this next week?? MORE drama?? MORE BABIES?? MORE OF EIGHT-YEAR-OLD TOUYA’S SLOW DESCENT INTO MADNESS. MY HEART CAN’T TAKE IT, BUT ALSO YES PLEASE SIGN ME UP

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #370

“breakdowns, obscenities, it’s all i wanna be”

Do you have any bad habits you aren’t working on changing? If so, do you ever think you’ll try to break them? Downloading music, for one. I really should just start using Spotify... but my iPod has over 1k songs on it and I just seriously don't want to got through all the trouble. When was the last time someone surprised you with their reaction or behaviors? Hm. I dunno. What kinds of videos do you like to watch on YouTube, if any? I watch SO many different kinds. It used to be pretty strictly let's plays, but I've definitely expanded my watching interests. Now I'm really into watching educational reptile and tarantula husbandry and keeping channels, I watch one woman who is like my weight loss idol (Jordan Shrinks, she is amazing), there's a few vloggers, I enjoy some World of Warcraft channels, and then there's a couple urban exploration guys I like. I also occasionally watch some beauty YouTubers just for their personalities and the art of it. Have you ever reached out to a crisis center for mental health support? If so, how was the experience? Yes, but they were so busy that I didn't connect with anyone before I finally gave up and ODed. When was the last time you did something you were afraid to do, and how was the outcome? Ummmm I don't really know. What is one positive thing you believe about yourself? I care a lot about other people. What is something you have been through that has made you stronger? The breakup. It brought me to the lowest of lows, where every day was a struggle to survive. It taught me I can endure through almost anything, even if it doesn't feel like I can. Other than money, what is something you wish you had more of in your life? Happiness, contentment, being in love, motivation, energy, activities, travel... There's genuinely a lot. IIs there anything that you tend to ignore for the sake of your sanity? I'm very bad at ignoring things. If something is bothering me, it's going to put up a beastly fight to be at the forefront of my mind. What is something you wish was different about your family? I wish we were closer and better off monetarily. What keeps you going lately? The hope for a happy, satisfactory future. Have you ever been in an unconventional relationship (long distance, polyamorous, same gender, age gap, etc)? if so, what challenges did this relationship present, and were they worth overcoming? I've been in a long-distance relationship with another girl. I think the hardest part was that there was not being able to physically be there for each other when one of us was really struggling, and sometimes communication was an issue, not being able to read body language when we voice chatted or hear the tone in which we "spoke" when texting, though I'm pretty sure that's an issue with any online relations. I also feel it's difficult to really build and experience your chemistry with one another when you're not physically with the other person. I still think all these challenges were worth overcoming, though. I in no way regret the relationship and got only good things out of it. What is the most unhealthy relationship (whether friendship or romantic) you’ve ever had? What made it so unhealthy? Do you still talk to each other? I'm kinda torn between Jason and Colleen, but I think my bond with Jason was ultimately more unhealthy because it went beyond love: he was an obsession. Having him with me was the only thing that brought me joy, and I lit-er-a-lly could not imagine my future without him. Like that concept just didn't exist; it was entirely impossible in my head. On his end, he failed to communicate what he was going through emotionally, which only contributed to the damage. I never knew he was struggling because of me. Without realizing it, I put so much pressure on him to make me happy, so to answer the last question, no, we don't, by his decision - and I don't blame him. Have you ever been abusive in any way? Were you able to change or make amends, or, in general, what do you think people should do to make amends in that situation? A neverending battle I have with myself is if how I treated Jason after the breakup was qualifiable as emotional abuse, specifically with messaging him things like "thanks for sending me to the ER" and shit. My therapist reassures me that it wasn't abusive because I wasn't being deliberately manipulative, but rather genuinely hurt and convinced I had been wronged and wanted him to know and acknowledge it. She agrees that it was wrong, which I entirely agree with, but sometimes, I'm still convinced I was abusive. I fucking hate answering this question, so hurrying up: I don't know if he's forgiven me. As for how others could reconcile, that's not for me to say. I know sometimes the answer is to NOT make amends and completely stay away from their abuser. It's not my right to tell others how to cope with their abuse. Have you ever forgiven someone for being abusive or allowed someone toxic back into your life? Did this person change for the better or not? My former best friend Colleen was toxic as all fuck hell, and I let her back in way too many times. No, she never changed. I honesty doubt she ever will, given her pride. When was the last time you did something “meant” for children? Do you think it’s okay for adults to do these things (ie. watch cartoons, have stuffed animals, dress in cute clothing, etc), or do you think there’s an age beyond which it becomes unacceptable - and if so, why? Hmmm... I know this was semi-recent, but whatever it was is evading me at the moment. I personally have zero issue with adults engaging in activities like that; let people do what they enjoy if they're not harming anyone, especially things as innocent as dressing how they think is cute, etc. I would far rather people "act like children" (not emotionally, you know what I mean) than run around the streets selling drugs and shit. What was the last thing to “trigger” you (as in, in a true mental health sense, I’m being serious here) and how did you cope with it? What kinds of things do you tend to find triggering? What do you do either avoid or face your triggers? When I was riding to the sleep study section of the health plaza, where the hospital is, my anxiety spiked quite a bit, recalling all of my ER stays for being suicidal. It didn't help that the psych hospital I visited most is also in that whole jumble of buildings. I dealt with it by reminding myself I was in that area for a very different reason, and Mom reassured me that where I would be staying was more like a small hotel room than a hospital bed, which was true, so that helped. Regarding the next question, I'm not gonna lie to ya, I have a stupid amount of PTSD triggers: certain music, shows, fandoms, places, smells, even tastes of certain foods. I tend to stay away from my major triggers, but I'll *sometimes* fight the tiny ones, because I want that sense of ownership of myself back. If you’re diagnosed with anything, do you feel that it accurately represents what you’re experiencing? Yes. What are some minor physical discomforts that really bug you (eyelash in your eye, a wedgie, rumpled socks, etc)? I'm VERY sensitive to feeling anything in my nose, and it leads to me needing to blow it a lot. I also can't stand having holes in my socks, but since I wear flip flops essentially everywhere, I don't experience this much. Are you ever afraid to admit to liking something because you’re afraid other people will judge you for it? What is the worst that’s ever happened as a result of you liking something different from the crowd? What about the best thing that’s come as a result of a unique interest? Y E P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing really bad has happened because of admitting my interests, other than hearing things along the lines of "I don't get it." It's very odd, just how horribly receptive I am to judgment about things I like when I don't recall a time where I was ridiculed for anything. But anyway, the best thing to happen from sharing interests for me is making a new friend that likes the same thing, and I will IMMEDIATELY be closer to you than most people I associate with once you've helped me past that vulnerable spot of mine. Have you ever remained good friends with an ex? Yeah. Do you have a negative view of mentally ill people, or are you mentally ill yourself? Do you ever call others crazy, insane, etc? Do you ever call yourself those things? I'm mentally ill and empathize heavily with those who suffer themselves. I absolutely do not have a negative look on mental health sufferers; we don't choose to be victims. I'm definitely not a big fan of abusing terms like "insane," because I've fucking been there, and it's not a term to take lightly. I've thrown 'em around before, but I try to avoid it. I don't call myself any of those things nowadays, but in the deepest trench of my depression and PTSD, I honest to God think I fit the definition of "insane." Does it bother you to have people comment on what you’re eating, or do you not care? What are some comments that would bother you, if any? Do you ever comment on what other people are eating or make assumptions about their intakes? YES. JUST DON'T FUCKING COMMENT. I get EXTREMELY self-conscious when my mom does this sometimes when I occasionally need a small snack to hold me out overnight, and I absolutely never will say something to someone else. It's just rude, imo. Well, I guess if someone was really destroying their health and I was close to them, I would out of concern and be very gentle, but when regarding most people? I'm keeping my thoughts to my damn self. Do you like Redbull? I've never tried it and don't want to. I'm not an energy drink fan. Who is the last person you spent money on? My mom. I remember I bought us fast food when we were out once. What are you looking forward to in the next 4 days? G U Y S!!!!!!!!! I GET MY TATTOO TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!! :'''') Also on the same day, I start my TMS therapy, which I have high hopes for. Have you ever gone a whole day without eating? No. Do you sometimes use your music player to help you fall asleep? No, but I did that for years back in middle school. Have you ever had a crush on someone “too young” for you? No. Do you shave your legs more than once a week? Haaaaaaaaa. If you could cuddle with anyone right now, who would you pick? I really wish I could cuddle my late pup Teddy again. :/ I was thinking about that recently. Are you tanned? God no. I never am. Do you try to wear dresses whenever you can? No. I wish I was in a shape where I was comfortable wearing spring dresses again... I had this floral skull one in high school that I adored. Are you wearing something that belongs to someone else? No. Have you ever been called a bitch? Yes. Did you like the person you last kissed when you kissed them? I loved her. Who did you have a meaningful conversation with last? Sara. Do you have feelings for someone? Yeah, but they're like... on a leash, you could say. I don't let 'em run free and wild, and I know that even if nothing comes of those feelings again, it's fine. Are you trying to avoid liking somebody at the moment? I think Jason will be this answer for a very long time, if not forever, given the trauma and all. I have to remind myself frequently that I love his memory, not him, because I don't even know him anymore. It's been YEARS since we spoke. Just like I've changed incredibly, I'm sure he has, too. If you saw life in black & white, would that be okay with you? I mean, it would suck, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. When you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep, what kinds of things are you likely to do? How often do you find you have trouble sleeping? I do exactly what you shouldn't do and get back on the laptop. I'd say I most often get on WoW and refresh the auctions I have up because that tends to tire me out because I do that shit manually to avoid any addon mishaps, and I have a looooot to put up as a gold farmer. What was the last lengthy packet you filled out? Something to see if I qualified for a sleep study. Are you a patient person? What is one way you have a lot of patience? What about not very much patience at all? I am NOT patient, at least regarding more trivial things, like sitting in waiting rooms. I do have patience though with other people with more serious things, like getting someone to open up to me. At what time during the day do you tend to feel your best? What about the worst? When I first wake up. It's a "fresh start" and it's nice to feel rested. Plus, I open a fresh can of cold soda as my "coffee" for lack of better word, haha. I'm in my worst mood probably late afternoon/early evening, by which time I am incredibly bored and just dulled down. What was the last thing you did that you wish you could take back or do differently? The last thing... I dunno. How frequently do you stay overnight somewhere that isn’t your own home? What things do you miss about home when you’re away? Do you tend to get homesick easily? Pretty much never. I do miss my room and its privacy when I'm away from home, but I wouldn't say I get homesick all that easily, so long as I have WiFi, haha. Do you tend to eat more in the beginning of the day or at night? Do you have a tendency to snack when you’re bored? If so, what kinds of snacks do you normally go for? Not necessarily the beginning of the day, but definitely more than at night. I am BAD about snacking when I'm extremely bored, but at the very least I'm conscious enough to try and find something semi-healthy, like granola bars, fruits, a scoop of peanut butter, but I also sometimes just eat like... a slice of bread or a tortilla. Horrible choice. I'm a carb fiend and I hate it. If you have any dietary restrictions, do you ever miss foods you can’t have? If not, what’s something you haven’t had for a long time that you wish you could eat again? I thankfully don't have any. I've been craving cheesecake like a madman lately. :< The spicy shrimp fritas from Olive Garden, too. Is there something you still can’t do even though you’re an adult or might be expected to do this thing? I don't have my license, and my driver's permit is even expired. I'm terrified of driving. I also don't have a job, and I can't cook. When was the last time you congratulated someone? Were you happy for them, indifferent, jealous? Uhhh I think someone on Facebook had a baby. Of course I was happy for them. What was the last milestone you reached in your life (graduating, buying a car, starting a family, etc)? What milestone are you going for next, if any? Um... I haven't reached a true milestone in years. Hell, I don't think since I started recovery from the breakup. Do you enjoy getting comments or messages? How likely are you to leave comments or messages for other people? Yeah, it makes me feel cared about. It really depends on the platform on how much I leave other people comments, and I'm extremely shy about messaging, but I'll do it sometimes. When are you most likely to scream (either out of fright, anger, or whatever)? Do you scream or yell often? When was the last time someone screamed at you (or in your presence)? Frustration, for sure. I've screamed into a pillow more than once. I definitely don't yell or especially scream often. I'm sure the last person to yell at me was Mom, but I don't remember about what. What would you say is your STRONGEST emotion? Maybe not the most frequent, but the most intense? And what emotion do you feel most weakly, even if you might feel it more often? I'd saaaay... maybe love. When I love something/someone, I love HARD. I think I experience joy the weakest; it's very muted for me. And lastly, what are you listening to? Is this a band you listen to a lot "The Heretic Anthem" by Slipknot. I wouldn't say I listen to them a lot, but I have been more than usual lately.

[96harmony96]

Chapter 8 part 2

she smacked my butt hard enough to send me forward a step and leave behind a hot sting even through my pants. “That damned Band-Aid you call a shirt doesn’t leave much to the imagination. Don’t take long in the shower. You’re just going to get sweaty again.”

“Wait.” I caught her arm before she passed the women’s locker room on the way toward the men’s. “Would it gross you out if I told you I didn’t want you to shower? If I said I want to find someplace really close by where I could jump you while you’re still dripping sweat?”

Lauren’s jaw tightened and her gaze darkened dangerously. “I’m beginning to fear for your safety, Camila. Grab your stuff. There’s a hotel around the corner.”

Neither of us changed and we were outside in five minutes. Lauren walked briskly and I hurried to keep up. When she stopped abruptly, turned, and dipped me back in a lavish heated kiss on the crowded sidewalk, I was too stunned to do more than hold on. It was a soul-wrenching melding of our mouths, full of passion and sweet spontaneity that made my heart ache. Applause broke out around us.

When she straightened me again, I was breathless and dizzy. “What was that?” I gasped.

“A prelude.” she resumed our dash to the nearest hotel, one I didn’t catch the name of as she pulled me past the doorman and crossed straight to the elevator. It was clear to me that the property was one of Lauren’s even before a manager greeted her by name just before the elevator doors closed.

Gideon dropped her duffel on the car floor and busied herself with figuring out how to extricate me from my sports top. I was slapping her hands away when the doors opened and she scooped up her bag. There was no one waiting on our floor and no one in the hallway. she pulled a master key out of somewhere and a moment later we were in a room.

I pounced, pushing my hands up beneath her shirt to feel her damp skin and the hardness of the muscles beneath it. “Get naked. Like now.”

she laughed as she toed off her sneakers and yanked her tank over her head.

Oh my God…seeing her in the flesh—all of her, as her shorts hit the floor—was synapse frying. There wasn’t an ounce of excess flesh on her anywhere, just hard slabs of honed muscle. she had washboard abs and that super sexy V of muscle on her pelvis that Cary called the Loin of Apollo. Gideon didn’t wax her chest like Cary did, but he groomed with the same care she showed to the rest of his body. she was pure primal male, the embodiment of everything I coveted, fantasized about, and wished for.

“I’ve died and gone to heaven,” I said, staring unabashedly.

“You’re still dressed.” she attacked my clothes, whipping my loosened top off before I took a full breath. My pants were wrestled down and I kicked my shoes off in such a hurry that I lost my balance and fell on the bed. I barely caught my breath before she was on me.

We rolled across the mattress in a tangle. Everywhere she touched me left trails of fire behind. The clean, hardworking scent of her skin was an aphrodisiac and intoxicant at once, spurring my desire for her until I felt like I was about to lose my mind.

“You’re so beautiful, Camila.” she plumped one breast in his hand before taking my nipple into her mouth.

I cried out at the scorching heat and the lash of her tongue, my core tightening with every soft suck. My hands were greedy as they slid over her sweat-damp skin, stroking and kneading, searching for the spots that made her growl and moan. I scissored my legs with her and tried to roll him, but she was too heavy and too strong.

she lifted her head and smiled down at me. “It’s my turn this time.”

What I felt for her in that moment, seeing that smile and the heat in her eyes, was so intense it was painful. Too fast, I thought. I was falling too fast. “Lauren—”

she kissed me deeply, licking into my mouth in that way of his. I thought she could really make me come with just a kiss, if we stayed at it long enough. Everything about her turned me on, from the way she looked and felt beneath my hands to the way she watched me and touched me. Her greed and the silent demands she made on my body, the forcefulness with which she pleasured me and took her pleasure in return, drove me wild.

I ran my hands through the wet silk of her hair. The crisp hairs on her chest teased my tightened nipples and the feel of her rock-hard body against mine was enough to make me wet and needy.

“I love your body,” she whispered, her lips moving across my cheek to my throat. Her hand caressed the length of my torso from breasts to hip. “I can’t get enough of it.”

“You haven’t had very much of it yet,” I teased.

“I don’t think I’ll ever have enough.” Nibbling and licking across my shoulder, she slid down and caught my other nipple between her teeth. she tugged and the tiny dart of pain had my back arching on a soft cry. she soothed the sting with a soft suck; then kissed her way downward. “I’ve never wanted anything this badly.”

“Then do me!”

“Not yet,” she murmured, moving lower, rimming my navel with the tip of her tongue. “You’re not ready yet.”

“What? Ah, God…I can’t get any readier.” I tugged on her hair, trying to pull her up.

Lauren caught my wrists and pinned them to the mattress. “You have a tight little cunt, Camila. I’ll bruise you if I don’t get you soft and relaxed.”

A violent shiver of arousal moved through me. It turned me on when she talked so bluntly about sex. Then he slid lower and I tensed. “No, Lauren. I need to shower for that.”

she buried her face in my cleft and I struggled against her hold, flushed with sudden shame. she nipped at my inner thigh with her teeth. “Stop it.”

“Don’t. Please. You don’t have to do that.”

Her glare stilled my frantic movements. “Do you think I feel differently about your body than you do mine?” she asked harshly. “I want you, Camila.”

I licked my dry lips, so crazily turned on by her animal need that I couldn’t form a single word. she growled softly and dove for the slick flesh between my legs. Her tongue pushed into me, licking and parting the sensitive tissues. My hips churned restlessly, my body silently begging for more. It felt so good I could’ve wept.

“God, Camila. I’ve wanted my mouth on your cunt every day since I met you.”

As the velvet softness of her tongue flickered over my swollen clit, my head pressed hard into the pillow. “Yes. Like that. Make me come.”

she did, with the gentlest of suction and a hard lick. I writhed as the orgasm jolted through me, my core tensing violently, my limbs shaking. Her tongue thrust into my sex as it convulsed, rippling along the shallow penetration, trying to pull her deeper. Her groans vibrated against my swollen flesh, goading the climax to roll on and on. Tears stung my eyes and coursed down my temples, the physical pleasure destroying the wall that kept my emotions at bay.

And Lauren didn’t stop. she circled the trembling entrance to my body with the tip of her tongue and lapped at my throbbing clit until I quickened again. Two fingers pushed inside me, curving and stroking. I was so sensitive I thrashed against the onslaught. When she drew on my clit with steady, rhythmic suction, I came again, crying out hoarsely. Then she had three fingers in me, twisting and opening me.

“No.” My head tossed from side to side, every inch of my skin tingling and burning. “No more.”

“Once more,” she coaxed hoarsely. “Once more, then I’ll fuck you.”

“I can’t…”

“You will.” she blew a slow stream of air over my wet flesh, the coolness over fevered skin reawakening raw nerve endings. “I love watching you come, Camila. Love hearing the sounds you make, the way your body quivers…”

she massaged a tender spot inside me and an orgasm pulsed through me in a slow, heated roll of delight, no less devastating for being gentler than the two before it.

Her weight and heat left me. In a distant corner of my dazed mind, I heard a drawer opening, followed swiftly by the sound of foil tearing. The mattress dipped as she returned, her hands rough now as she yanked me down to the center of the bed. she stretched herself on top of me, pinning me, tucking her forearms on the outside of my biceps and pressing them to my sides, capturing me.

My gaze was riveted to her austerely beautiful face. Her features were harsh with lust, her skin stretched tight over her cheekbones and jaw. Her eyes were so dark and dilated they were black, and I knew I was staring into the face of a man who’d passed the limits of her control. It was important to me that she’d made it that far for my benefit and that she’d done so to pleasure and prepare me for what I knew would be a hard ride.

My hands fisted in the bedspread, anticipation building. she’d made sure I got mine, over and over again. This would be for her.

“Fuck me,” I ordered, daring her with my eyes.

“Camila.” SHe snapped out my name as he rammed into me, sinking balls-deep in one fierce drive.

I gasped. she was big, hard as stone, and so damn deep. The connection was startlingly intense. Emotionally. Mentally. I’d never felt so completely…taken. Possessed.

I wouldn’t have thought I could bear to be restrained during sex, not with my past being what it was, but Lauren’s total domination of my body ratcheted my desire to an outrageous level. I’d never been so hot for it in my life, which seemed insane after what I’d experienced with her so far.

I clenched around her, relishing the feel of her inside me, filling me.

Her hips ground against mine, prodding as if to say, Feel me? I’m in you. I own you.

Her entire body hardened, the muscles of her chest and arms straining as she pulled out to the tip. The rigid tightening of her abs was the only warning I got before she slammed forward. Hard.

I cried out and her chest rumbled with a low, primitive sound. “Christ…You feel so good.”

Tightening her hold, she starting fucking me, nailing my hips to the mattress with wildly fierce drives. Pleasure rippled through me again, pushing through me with every hot shove of her body into mine. Like this, I thought. I want you just like this.

she buried her face in my neck and held me tightly in place, plunging hard and fast, gasping raw, heated sex words that made me crazed with desire. “I’ve never been so hard and thick. I’m so deep in you…I can feel it against my stomach…feel my dick pounding into you.”

I’d thought of this round as his, and yet she was still with me, still focused on me, swiveling her hips to stroke pleasure through my melting core. I made a small, helpless sound of need and her mouth slanted over mine. I was desperate for her, my nails digging into her pumping hips, struggling with the grinding urge to rock into the ferocious thrusts of her big cock.

We were dripping in sweat, our skin hot and slicked together, our chests heaving for air. As an orgasm brewed like a storm inside me, everything tightened and clenched, squeezing. she cursed and shoved one hand beneath my hip, cupping my rear and lifting me into her thrusts so that her cock head stroked over and over the spot that ached for her.

“Come, Camila,” she ordered harshly. “Come now.”

I climaxed in a rush that had me sobbing her name, the sensation enhanced and magnified by the way she’d confined my body. she threw her head back, shuddering.

“Ah, Camila!” she clasped me so tightly I couldn’t breathe, her hips pumping as she came long and hard.

I’ve no idea how long we lay like that, leveled, mouths sliding over shoulders and throats to soothe and calm. My entire body tingled and pulsed.

“Wow,” I managed finally.

“You’ll kill me,” she muttered with her lips at my jaw. “We’re going to end up fucking each other to death.”

“Me? I didn’t do anything.” she’d controlled me completely and how freakin’ sexy was that?

“You’re breathing. That’s enough.”

I laughed, hugging her.

Lifting her head, she nuzzled my nose. “We’re going to eat, and then we’ll do that again.”

My brows lifted. “You can do that again?”

“All night.” she rolled her hips and I could feel that she was still semi-hard.

“You’re a machine,” I told her. “Or a god.”

“It’s you.” With a soft sweet kiss, she left me. she removed the condom, wrapped it in a tissue from the nightstand, and tossed the whole in the wastebasket by the bed. “We’ll shower, then order from the restaurant downstairs. Unless you want to go down?”

“I don’t think I can walk.”

The flash of her grin stopped my heart for a minute. “Glad I’m not the only one.”

“You look fine.”

“I feel phenomenal.” she sat back on the side of the bed and brushed my hair back from my forehead. Her face was soft, her smile warmly affectionate.

I thought I saw something else in her eyes and the possibility closed my throat. It scared me.

“Shower with me,” she said, running her hand down my arm.

“Gimme me a minute to find my brain, then I’ll join you.”

“Okay.” she went into the bathroom, giving me a prime view of her sculpted back and perfect ass. I sighed with pure female appreciation of a prime male specimen.

The water came on in the shower. I managed to sit up and slide my legs over the side of the bed, feeling exquisitely shaky. My gaze caught on the slightly open bedside drawer and I saw condoms through the gap.

My stomach twisted. The hotel was too upscale to be the kind that provided condoms along with the requisite Bible.

With a slightly trembling hand, I pulled the drawer out further and found a sizable quantity of prophylactics, including a bottle of feminine lubrication and spermicidal gel. My heart started pounding all over again. In my mind, I backtracked through our lust-fueled trip to the hotel. Lauren hadn’t asked which rooms were available. Whether she had a master key or not, she’d need to know which rooms were occupied before she took one…unless she’d known beforehand that this particular room would be empty.

Clearly it was her room—a fuck pad outfitted with everything she’d need to have a good time with the women who served that purpose in her life.

As I pushed to my feet and walked over to the closet, I heard the glass shower door open in the bathroom, then close. I caught the two knobs of the louvered walnut closet doors and pushed them apart. There was a small selection of men’s clothes hanging on the metal rod, some business shirts and slacks, as well as khakis and jeans. My temperature dropped and a sick misery spread through my orgasmic high.

The right side dresser drawers held neatly folded T-shirts, boxer briefs, and socks. The top one on the left side held sex toys still in their packages. I didn’t look at the drawers below that one. I’d seen enough.

I pulled on my pants and stole one of Lauren’s shirts. As I dressed, my mind went through the steps I’d learned in therapy: Talk it out. Explain what triggered the negative feelings to your partner. Face the trigger and work through it.

Maybe if I’d been less shaken by the depth of my feelings for Lauren, I could have done all that. Maybe if we hadn’t just had mind-blowing sex, I would have felt less raw and vulnerable. I’d never know. What I felt was slightly dirty, a little bit used, and a whole lot hurt. This particular revelation had hit me with excruciating force, and like a child, I wanted to hurt her back.

I scooped up the condoms, lube, and toys, and tossed them on the bed. Then, just as she called out my name in an amused and teasing voice, I picked up my bag and left her.

[crossedbeams]

ROSE REVIEWS… THE X-FILES - S1.E11 Eve

<<1.10 Fallen Angel ———————————  1.12 Fire >>

I’m salty today and what better way than to transfer that into something positive than to finish this long overdue and almost certainly irrelevant recap of Eve. Read on for children who are almost as scary as their acting is bad, prison aesthetics and idiotic blithering by me.

THE PLOT

The fathers of creepy children are being exsanguinated on opposite coasts and Mulder wants to know the aliens have upgraded from cows. IVF suspicions run wild and with a little help from good old Deep Throat, the terrific two suspect genetic government experiments gone wrong may be responsible for the shenanigans. When the creepy kids go missing, things escalate and soda becomes a very dangerous refreshment...

Let’s go...

MY STREAM OF SEMI-CONSCIOUSNESS

Ah. The X-Files, the show that is always a scenic autumnal bath for my eyes…. And where under the leaves there is probably a dead person eaten by a molewoman or an alien. Honey? I’m home.

We find ourselves in an idyllic suburban neighbourhood, (always bad news on screen), where very concerned joggers approach an underdressed child and her stuffed animal. It’s hard at this stage to decipher whether the kid is creepy or just a really bad actor but the suspense synth hardly encourages us to give her the benefit of the doubt...

They head to the backyard, where peppy jogging neighbour fails to notice that the kid’s dad is dead coloured, posed like a corpse and basically, stereotypically and obviously dead... until he claps him jovially on the shoulder causing a tragicomic half slump of dead dad, and exposing vampiric looking marks. The kid screams, not sure why, she’s way too far away to see anything. This is the point at which I begin to suspect that she is both a bad actor AND entry #224 in the Vancouver local listing of Creepy Kids for Hire. Move over Conduit boy!

CREDITS!

This week we only wait 2.5 mins for our special baby Agents to materialise, Scully dressed as a Catholic grade schooler and Mulder wearing a tie designed, as far as I can tell, to look like mushroom soup with licorice allsorts floating in it.

Their poor fashion choices don’t seem to put them off them though, and we zigzag between lip biting (Mulder), making weird moany noises (Scully), and the level of inter office eye contact we’ve come to expect from these fluffy baby agents all set to a soundtrack of cattle mutilation chatter. And our series first (!) cow slideshow!

Scully is still naive enough to ask why Mulder believes cattle mutilation is linked to aliens. Give it a few weeks and you’ll realise that aliens is pretty much always the answer to “Why….” on the X-Files and that eyebrow is the only appropriate response before you just go with it.

I can’t wait :D

As Mulds and Sculls traverse some stairs, I realise that creepy kid #1 is called Teena. Spelled the same as Mulder’s mum. Because apparently the X-Files name bank isn’t only shallow in the male department. Also is Teena a normal spelling in the States? Here it’d only really be Tina….

I then get distracted by Scully in the biggest of purple coats. I’d love to see S1 Scully’s closet. A symphony of oversized pastels with overcoats to clash… don’t worry though hon. You’ll get some style later though for the bargain price of two (2) family members and also your ova. Poor Scully.

Scully also looks incredibly young in this scene, speaking all soft to the kid. Moments like this I struggle to believe that Mulder “never saw her as a mom” until Home. She’s all melty round the edges even though the kid is weird and creepy.

When creepy Teena starts talking about red lightning, the massively coached and unnatural pauses in dialogue and the trouble pronouncing exsanguination are just so glaring you can’t believe that this kid’s innocent charade will hold up as long as it does. But it all adds to the creep, just in time for…

**bring bring ** Scully leans in to kiss her spoopy partner tell Mulder there has been another murder. Darn. Seriously though. Close talkin to the power on uuuungghhh right here. No wonder this fandom is so thirsty.

We’re in Vancouver San Franciso, still in giant coats, for another exsanguination and what we now know is death by digitalis. Mulder says that the two estimated times of death were at the “exact same time” and I chuckle to myself like the pedant I am. Estimates cannot be exact dumdum. It also takes the edge off him mansplaining timezones to Scully. SHE IS A MEDICAL DOCTOR DAMMIT. 

This scene has very nice warm, sunsetty lighting which is nice as our Spooksters demonstrate why the X-Files department is always over budget; they’ve flown cross country to do two laps of a crime scene while reading a file aloud and the kid they wanna question isn’t even in town. Where is she? I’m glad you asked, coz remember that sunny warmness? Well it’s over.

Back on the east coast, creepTeena is getting outcreeped by a thunderstorm and what appear to be disembodied footsteps at her door. We see nothing but a flash and then the door is open. It’s tense and I’m pretty sure this is never explained, raised as a concern beyond “she got abducted”?

A new day means new suits, Mulder in a tie inspired by parquet flooring and Scully in eggshell and pinstripes and a brown trenchcoat named regret. It’s a lot to process and they still don’t seem overly concerned about Teena’s kidnapping. Despite his post Samantha abduction PTSD, Mulder’s only contribution is a dramatic sky point and the suggestion the cops need to look up, but then dun dun dduuuuunh - there’s another one.

Sinister Cindy in the house. Literally.

She informs them she has lived there “since she was born eight years ago”. Zero inflection with that info and a sentence structure as unnatural as the phenomena Mulder wants to blame. Deffo a rent-a-creepykid. 100%. The woodenness only adds to it.

Commence super awkward kitchen convo where they Mulder and Scully try and fail to find a tactful way to imply Cindy might not be this grieving wife’s legitimate child. A birthing video is offered and declined. Thank god. Imagine is CHris Carter had to watch rushes of an actual woman’s vagina with a female child emerging. 

Mrs Reardon’s insistence that Cindy was daddy’s girl is pretty horrifying once you know how it ends. Damn creepy kids. Listening in while watching politics, Cindy is infinitely creepier than Teena and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not for this kid “actor”.

Back in the car and Mulder is still pretty blase about Teena’s abduction/kidnap, though I forgive him because his flippant potato/potahto is adorable and he does hang out in the bushes to try and protect Cindy from getting nabbed sending Scully off to the IVF clinic alone. Ahh... the foreshadowing is out there.

At the Luther Stapes Medical Centre, a doctor mansplains IVF to Scully. She does not punch him. Another way that she is better than me.She does however, maintain super intense eye contact with him for the entire walk and truly it is a miracle she doesn’t fall over.

The next scene is pretty uneventful except that I can honestly say that Sally Kendrick is the last human I would want toying with my cervix. She’s...robotic and it looks like she has to work out how to sit down like a human. She could give Theresa May lessons.

Back at the hotel there’s some funky camera panning that I am here for and also I think there is some dialogue but let’s be honest.... this is more important 

Yes Professor I would like some extra credit and may I also just smooth your poofy hair.

Even Scully knows it. Hence her confusion at being ushered out, for no obvious reason. She just wants to look at him and maybe get inside his shirt and ... and... Mulder’s “what’s a girl” is cute.... but this is cuter. (even more overanalysing of this scene here for ya glasses lovers). 

Instead of meeting a girl, Mulder meets Deep Throat in an excessively aesthetically pleasing place. Honestly, Eve is a beautiful episode. Despite the creepy kids and imprisoned women. (Eve Aesthetic here). DT seems very concerned that Scully not be invited and while I’m sure that this has some link to the possibility of spy!Scully, it reads more as jealous older manfriend wants pretty Mulder to himself. And honestly I get it. God, fic has ruined me. Anyway, enough of that, enjoy this picture of pensive waterside Mulder and try to recall the specifics of the Deep Throat reveal. Project Blah. Boys called Adam. Girls called Eve. Clones. Bad. Disaster. EVE-il is at work. ¬¬ (sorry)

Mulder has brought sunflower seeds because meeting an informant without snacks = rookie error. 

The important thing to note is that Deep Throat basically sets the stage for the Super Soldier Arc and everyone forgets about it when they actually get to the super soldier arc. God, for a continuity pedant, my fave is SO problematic!

Deep Throat finishes by telling Mulder he’s scored him front row seats to what’s left of the whole fucked up thing.

Cut to the most aesthetic Institute for the criminally insane and after some hot DAMN camera angles we get panic buttons and a tromp into the deeps where they keep all the government created monsters, including Eve 6.

I just wanna take a moment away from my snark and give a huge shout out to Harriet Harris who is SO good and creepy in this episode. A lot of the Season 1 extras/bit parts are average to the extreme and honestly, Harris makes this episode. Without her eyeball biting, jerky, wild eyed delivery, this ep would be as mediocre as the creepy twin actresses.

Now we’ve got that out of the way - we find out that Eve 6 screams when the lights are on but is fine with  an industrial sized flashlight being shone all up in her face.  Nobody’s ever got a good look at her... except presumably the person who undoes her straitjacket so she can pee? And now Mulder and Scully.

Eve 6 is my fave Eve tbh. She’s this perfect mix of terrifying and pitiful, alludes to the telekinetic connection that the younger Eve twins later reference, and is the kind of proof of government misdeed that and older Mulder and Scully despair of, delivered while they’re way too young in their partnership to do anything about it. She tells them that Eves are into suicide, psychosis and murder, and on exiting, our baby agents still don’t suspect the kids.

(Break for actual analysis) It struck me during this scene how this case tunes into both Mulder and Scully’s demons. For Mulder, it’s the missing girls and the incarcerated Eve represents a scenario that could explain Samantha’s absence in the most horrifying ways. What if she is a locked up experiment just like Eve 6? For Scully it’s a visceral representation of her struggle between scientific duty and Christian morality. The creation of Eve 6 is an aberration against both good scientific practice AND the divine right of Good to control life and death... and yet she is also a victim who did not choose too be engineered and while Scully tries to question her, maintaining composure, this face/stress swallow really says it all.

Just to double the sucker punch we cut to Cindy asking the lord to take her soul, her mother looking on with a mournful doomladen stare before telling her daughter how special she is. Cindy is unmoved, because she is special(ly evil) and Mama Reardon leaves, bereft of her husband and unacknowledged by her kid. We get it Chris Carter. Genetic experimentation BAD, family GOOD, foreboding, CHECK.... now can we just-

Mulder Scully stakeout! There is no iced tea in the bag and when Mulder posits that the adult Eves 7 & 8 did done the murders, Scully pulls this face, and mutters without much conviction that she was beginning to suspect the girls. 

GOOD CALL SCULLY

Except Mulder then says “no no and here is why” and Scully just goes with it. The whole delivery at set up of this scene feels very Season 1, by which I mean Scully vacillates wildly between submitting to Mulder’s experience and being done.with.his.shit, Mulder gets all the big lines/theories/feelings/hunches and Gillian especially (and David to a lesser degree) seem unsure how to play their nuances and dynamic. Essentially it all becomes irrelevant because CRISIS takes precedent but being the super-nerd I am, this stuff fascinates me as evidence of them still learning their characters. No way S5 Scully gives up on a plausible theory so easily, even if it makes 8-yos into suspects. If cats can be evil, these staring, soulless kids can be too.

Cue Mark Snow jangles and Cindy and her similar to Teena’s bunny rabbit run away from her terrifying wall dolls and many crucifixes towards the window where she makes terrifying eye contact with Scully’s binoculars before getting grabbed by someone who is considerate enough to announce themselves by turning on the lights?!.

Mulder will take the back! (any time Mulder. Any way ¬¬ ) and sets off with his almost convincingly held gun/torch combo while Scully takes the indoors. This is, invariably, only going to go one way.

DOWN GOES SCULLY!

Sally Kendrick/Eve? leaps through the window where Mulder confronts her by asking her which Eve she is, allowing her a chance to pull a gun, shoot at him and escape and this is why you don’t want S1 Muldo and Sculls handling your home invasion. I mean who holds their gun like this, takes out a psychopath and ends the day without a hole in them?

Fox “Thinks he can outrun a car” Mulder is who. 

I love his idiot face though.

Despite the fact that Cindy didn’t struggle/scream/react to her apparent kidnap at all, Scully’s remaining focussed on the adult Eves in support of Mulder’s dismissal of her earlier theory... well I already said it but - *sigh*

After Scully briefs the police and Mulder tries to reassurea distraught Mrs Reardon that her increasingly abnormal daughter will be found we get the kind of side by side, meaningful  moment that I am here for all day long. Except that the height difference is so extreme that they never actually get Scully in focus!

And Scully’s “and then what” brings us back to unsettling truth that even if the kid gets found, things aren’t looking good for her given how much murder is in her genes. Poor Mrs Reardon.

Very X-Files, through-the-motel-sign shot and we see Sally Kendrick taking Cindy into motel to meet Teena. The girls look... creepy... and Kendrick looks weirdly and simplistically happy given that she has multiple abductees, severe genetic issues and the FBI on her back. Maybe poor old Sal just wants a normal life? Unlucky girl, this is the X-Files, no happy ending for anyone EVERR. Except possibly a two-faced rapist who likes Cher but that’s for another time.

Back to Sally Kendrick who is rocking a poloneck and showing a remarkable lack of nutritional concern for someone supposedly a genius. Pretty sure 8 cartons of fries are no better for psychotic murder-kids than regular ones. She begins to explain that she was pretty hopeful that she’s evolved the murdering out of her second batch of Eves but turns out she actually made it worse! Let’s pop a check in the box for “playing into popular concerns about genetic testing” and “reasons you shouldn’t do it yourself”. She tells Cindy and Teena she’s “disappointed” that they’ve done murders ahead of the curve. They are not bothered which is unsurprising given they don’t know her/are psychopaths.

Aesthetically this scene is very pleasing and the lack of stilted kid dialogue “we just knew” vs. long sentences definitely adds to tension. As does the total lack of background music. Hearing even these fairly limited actors candidly and remorselessly admit to murder is effective. And Kendrick’s slightly desperate plea that they not think that way, that they be “better” as she designed has the double effect of showing her own Eve-y instability and her very human desire to not have made a horrible mistake in creating this terrifying she-devils.

Sorry Sal.

Genetic destiny’s a bitch

And the X-Files narrative demands that when you play god you get dead. unless you’re the CSM in which case you probably drink digitalis and kale for breakfast to aid skin regrowth. Bye bye Sally Kendrick. Thanks for the creepers.

On attending the crime scene, Mulder and Scully are midway through being told that the scene is undisturbed when they hear stuff breaking. This prompts some X-Files-Action-MagicTM and some truly outrageous faces by Gillian.

Yup

What is most disturbing on rewatching is that with the scene secured, Scully confirms death and Mulder goes to gaze out the window while the Creeper twins cower and cry on the floor. Noe we know they’re guilty AF by this point, but in the narrative DumbScull and MulderingItOver haven’t quite got there because they’ve been too busy gazing at each other so we have two children just whimpering in the corner while Scully pokes a corpse and Mulder mulders about. 

Scully does eventually go and pat them. And again I say fuck you CC and anyone else who “didn’t see her as a mother”.

Mulder volunteers to chaperone the creepsters to hospital and beyond and the guy in charge kinda just goes “meh”. Pretty sure some liberties have been taken with child service procedures but hey, at least this means we’re almost at the crescendo moment. Right?

Having loaded them into the car, where their spiffy red outfits match the velour upholstery and promised they’ll talk about “what happens next” (again, is this really FBI jurisdiction? Fox Mulder counselling bereaved kids seems like a HORRIBLE plan to me) , Scully and Mulder note the girls attachment and somehow miss the horrifying expressions of murder on their creepy little faces. 

Again though #aesthetic

Cue some spangly night driving music, Mulder looking all pops over a red vinyl steering wheel, Scully playing mom and the creepsters plotting murder in the back. Ver ver X-Files. They pull up to a used car lot masquerading as a rest stop and go for a group wee,Mulder makes the rookie error of a) hyping evil kids with sugar and b) letting them order a murder weapon, and as soon as Scully’s distracted, one of the creepsters, possibly Sinister Cindy creeps out to spike the drinks. 

Now at this point, honestly, I’m questioning the kids narrative motives. Yes they’re murderous, but aren’t they also meant to be hyper intelligent? Amd getting marooned at a nowhere rest stop, with the corpses of two FBI agents seems SUPER dumb. Like they’re a bit small and loudly dressed to hitch a ride to Vegas and make it on the strip. What gives, creepsters?

The waitress tries to stop her plan by insisting she wait to take the soda until it’s paid for, but is way too easily placated by the kids excuse. Stick to your guns lady, you might just stop a murder.

Although apparently nobody is paying any attention because THIS ISN’T SUSPICIOUS AT ALL IS IT?

Apparently Mulder doesn’t think so, even knowing digitalis is sweet and that there is something weird afoot, he doesn’t question his super sweet diet drink or the kids totally normal and not at all weirdly resistant to drinking sugar free soda and just does this. Seriously it’s like he wants to die in agony.

Scully’s not much better, simply commenting on the “syrupy” taste. MMhmm. Bitch. You’re a medical doctor with a previously voiced suspicion. Quit sipping the murder juice.

Fortunately, after some suspenseful drawn out paying and a forgotten key excuse, Mulder FINALLY twigs when he finds some green goop on the table. Apparently murderTwin is cackhanded when she pours and Mulder, having licked the poison just to check it’s murdery enough (I just cant even) rushes outside to karate chop Scully’s drink away from her in a way so unsubtle that the creepers escape.

Which is actually great news because it gives us all the chance for a nice dark, X-Files bread and butter cat and mouse around a truckstop, cool lighting and tubey-arty stuff sequence. Which I’m here for. 

Despite some pants ruining puddles, the twins are quickly apprehended except for some gun wielding truckers interfere because in this universe regular citizens can hold law enforcement at gunpoint and prevent them doing their job/identifying themselves and anyway everyone almost gets shot and the kids run off again. I should probably insert some pithy political point here about arming the kids too but I’ve been writing this review for 84 years and I don’t have the energy.

Fortunately, at this point Mulder and Scully rediscover some investigative nous and having flashed an ID and truckboy, they trick Sinister and Creepy into thinking they’ve sped off after a school bus. Mulder goes full on child catcher and nabs them with a “gotcha” and is finally deaf to their “we’re just little girls” plea.

I’d like to take a second to flag up his response “that’s the last thing you are” because he’s wrong too. They are little girls, as well as psychopaths, and everyone’s insistence that they must be one thing or another is a device for narrative obfuscation as old as the bible. The appearance of beauty/youth/innocence is not mutually exclusive of the presence of malign intent or evil. Just ask Henry James/Oscar Wilde. Or me. I literally wrote a dissertation on this so. Yeah. They can be little girls and killers Mulder. Don’t be reductive.

But I guess we do need the simplicity of “this kid is evil” otherwise Mrs Reardon ripping her daughter out of a picture and burning it would be more conflicting and we’re only on season 1. 

Likewise the disturbing concept of two eight year olds in a secure prison. I mean yes thy’re creepy but - duh duh dunnnnh - rescue is at hand! Eve 8 shows up for them and once again thy “just knew”. This is the kind of X-Files ending I love. This is the kidn of story I would have loved the revivals to pick up. Imagine (recast) grown Cindy and Teena, off doing murdery clone stuff. Yep. Okay. I’m done now. This is the end. 

Except the score. Which is...

A solid “C” Grade (26/50)

Plot 6/10 - It’s entertaining and a good idea but I penalised it because it depends on Mulder and Scully being super slow on the uptake. That said, they do actually solve the case.

Mulder  6/10 - Mulder is in charge (thanks S1) and presents a mess of grieving brother, heroic car catcher and good cop. Good, in character stuff but not exceptional.

Scully  4/10 - Scully seems to forget she’d an MD and a badass here. She lets Mulder talk her out of (correct) suspicions, gets taken down in the action scene and generally second fiddles. She’s a cute mom but not the Scully we want to see.

USP 3/5  - This was an ambitious idea, beautifully presented, and while it didn’t quite get the polish to make it iconic it is memorable, creepy and a good representation of S1 bread and butter eps. 

Other Characters  5/10 - These points are all for Harriet Harris. None for you creeper twins. None for you.

Bonus points 2/10 - One for being aesthetically pleasing. One for the dorky, cute, feeling out Mulder/Scully moments (motel urnghh) and also their mom and pop act at the rest stop.

That’s all for now folks. I’ll probably have the next one done this decade. Fire. Goodie.

<< 1.10 Fallen Angel ———————————  1.12 Fire >>

[hiraeth-doux]

This one is so funny ahaha ❤️ It’s bloody Valentine’s Day and there is a discount in the cafe for a couple and I don’t have enough money and oh hey you are single too so let’s pretend we are a couple and get this fucking discount I am bloody starving”

A slightly belated Valentine’s Day prompt because I think I promised to post something. Most of the stuff I shared recently was from a while back, so this is the first piece I wrote this year and I hope it turned out okay. 

AO3

There wasnothing more pathetic than getting dumped on Valentine’s Day, and if there was,Claire couldn’t quite think of what it might possibly be. Not on the spot.Sure, getting kicked to the curb a day after prom when she was 17 wasn’t anymore fun, but at least the guy she was going out with back then had enoughsense to wait until the morning and not ruin the night for her.

Not thatEthan From Marketing – somehow, it was always Ethan From Marketing and neverjust Ethan even in her head, which probably should’ve been a red flag that sheblissfully chose to ignore – actually dumped her. This was supposed to be theirsecond date, which hardly counted as a relationship. However, the worst partwas that once she got through about 50 layers of pity, doubt, and self-loathingafter he sheepishly suggested that it probably wasn’t going to work out andthen scrambled away, leaving her alone to process his words, Claire realizedthat she was more relieved and maybe a little inconvenienced than upset aboutthis particular turn of events. As great she looked in these three-inch heelsand the skirt that hugged her body nicely in all the right places, they hadnothing on her ratty sweatpants and a glass of Merlot she could be enjoying onher couch right now. And that, she decided, was more than just a red flag – itwas a fucking red banner the size of Texas.

She took asip of her Daiquiri – because to hell with the diet, she deserved a treat – andput the glass back on the coaster, her reflection in a perfectly polishedcountertop pensive and a little detached.

Still, didhe have to do it on Valentine’s Day?!Couldn’t he have done it yesterday, or tomorrow? Not that she cared about thisnonsense of a holiday designed to make the ‘unattached’ people feel like crap,but there probably was some kind of etiquette. There had to be.

She took asubtle look around, noticing pink heart-shaped decorations, hanging everywhereand the quiet music that was meant to set a romantic mood for the rest of theclientele, sitting in twos at the tables and tried to ignore the fact that shewas the only person nursing a drink alone at the bar. Thank God she had enoughsense to take this joke of a date to the mainland where the employees of thepark couldn’t—

“Well,well, as I live and breathe!”

Startled, Clairesnapped her head up, recognizing the lazy drawl instantly, but refusing tobelieve that she could get this royally screwed twice in one night. Please, dear God, no! Not today!

No luck.

One eyebrowarched, his mouth curved into a smug, lopsided grin, and the top buttons of hisdark blue shirt undone, revealing just enough skin to make every waitressnotice him instantly, Owen Grady was making his way toward her, unmistakableeven in the dim light of the candles sitting on every table that provided justenough illumination for the patrons not to trip over one another.

Her stomachclenched – mostly with humiliation of being discovered by the one person shepositively didn’t want to deal with, but also because of the whole ‘why doesthis man look like a Greek god carved out of a piece of granite, all perfectangles and right lines?’ thing that kept setting Claire’s teeth on edge ever sincetheir date went straight to hell several months ago, but her mind apparentlydidn’t get the memo.

She glaredat him and turned away. Brought the glass up to her lips again, barelyresisting the urge to finish her drink in one gulp and ask for more. Always alight-weight drinker, she was already starting to feel a pleasant hum in herhead and the warmth spreading over her body, and for once, it didn’t seem likea bad idea to revel in the sensation, let it go.

“Go away,”she said flatly when Owen approached her, not seeing him as much as noticinghis presence next to her, the warmth of his body and the smell of hisaftershave that wrapped around her like a cloud, happy that she avoided fallingoff the damned barstool, which would definitely be a cherry on top of heralready crappy evening.

Owenignored her comment. He leaned against the counter and gave her a pointedonce-over, taking in her low-cut top and a teardrop pendant nestled in hercleavage, and not at all subtle about it.

Sheresisted the urge to throw the rest of her drink in his face. Somehow, Clairefound the idea of him being here alone highly implausible, which made her feellike an even bigger loser. Not that it was a competition, but with him, italways felt that way.

“Why don’tyou go back to your company… that probably gets paid by an hour?” She suggestedsnidely.

He snorted.“You think I need to pay anyone to spend the time with me?”

“It’s hardto imagine anyone doing it for free,” she deadpanned, turning to him.

“You did,”he piped up.

“And I’llnever get those two hours of my life back,” Claire retorted without missing abeat.

Owenhummed. Touché.  

He raisedhis hands. “How about a truce? For one night.”

Claire’seyes narrowed suspiciously and she regarded him skeptically, as if trying tosee behind the ever-present cheerful veneer, all easy smiles and complete lackof subtlety. And yet, despite all that, the man was impossible to read. Withouteven trying, he somehow managed to never take off the mask Claire knew wasn’tthe real him, if only because of those flashes behind his eyes that gave awaysomething she couldn’t quite put her finger on. A vulnerability of sorts thatdrew her to him in the first place. The very one that slipped in every time hetalked about work, or when he didn’t know she was looking at him.

Of course,he then went and ruined everything, but that was another story.

Meanwhile,oblivious to her thoughts, Owen jerked his chin toward the poster behind hisback that advertised two pieces of cake for the price of one, a couple’sdiscount and all that, a cheesy lure that apparently managed to fill most ofthe place tonight.

Shefrowned. “You’re kidding, right?”

“Notreally.�� He pulled his wallet out of the back pocket of his jeans and made ashow out of going through its contents. “I’m hungry and low on cash.” Shruggedand peered at her expectantly. “What’d you say?”

Clairereached for her clutch purse, resting on the counter next to her glass. “I’dsay I’m out of here.” She slid off her barstool and dropped a few banknotes onthe polished surface.

Owensmirked. Shook his head. She wondered how he managed to look so in his elementin any situation – practically one of the animals in the paddock, a heart ofevery company outside of work, not even remotely as pathetic as she thought shewas in this place full of happy couples, enjoying each other’s company.

“Relax,Claire,” his voice was like honey, barely audible and yet impossible not tohear even over the music. “It’s just a cake. I’m not asking you to marry me.”

She pursedher lips together into a thin line, torn between storming out and giving himthe satisfaction of knowing that he managed to make her uncomfortable and getunder her skin again, and staying here and, well, actually feelinguncomfortable and maybe more than a little irritated. Mostly at herself.

“Verywell.” She gave him a measured look, similar to the one that he graced her withearlier, and allowed her lips to curve into smile that didn’t touch her eyes.“Bring on the cake.”

—

“Oh, god,” Clairemoaned quietly when the first bite landed on her tongue, and even closed hereyes, savoring the sweetness.

A triplechocolate goodness adorned with chocolate-dipped strawberries and served withvanilla ice-cream. It tasted so good she thought she might die. Or maybe shealready did and this was heaven. The only problem with that theory was thepresence on Owen Grady not two feet away from her. Unless she went to hellinstead and he was her punishment. Which would actually explain a lot. Thiswhole night, for instance.

“Should Ileave you two alone?” Owen asked around a mouthful of his own treat from acrossthe table where they relocated from the bar.

“Shut up,”she mumbled mildly.

When wasthe last time she had a cheat day? Right, 275 days ago, but who was counting?She could probably marry this goddamn cake right now and have her own happilyever after. Jesus, no wonder all those people sitting around them looked soblissful – they were so high of sugar they probably didn’t even know where theywere or what was going on. She knew shewas close to feeling that way, although that could also be because of that thirdDaiquiri she ordered when Owen asked for a double scotch.

Wonderful.She was getting drunk with Owen Grady. On Valentine’s Day. Okay, maybe notdrunk, but it was still a whole new low for her regardless. Thankfully, thecake was making up for it.  

“What?” Clairedemanded a little more tersely than she intended when she caught Owen watchingher, his fork frozen halfway to his mouth, which was downright insane for a manwho’d never let anything get between him and the food for as long as she knewhim.

“Nothing,”he shook his head, amused. “You were smiling.”

“I wasnot,” she protested.

“You were,too,” he singsonged, chewing with gusto, and waggled his eyebrows at her.Claire did not dignify that with ananswer. “So, who was it?” Owen asked.

“Who waswhat?”

“Who stoodyou up?”

Her mouthdropped. “What makes you think I was stood up?”

He gave hera Really? Are we doing this? look. “Comeon, Claire, even someone like you wouldn’t be drinking alone on Valentine’s Dayat a hotel bar a ferry ride away from a handful of better bars for no reason.”

Shespluttered for a moment, her hackles standing on end at the implication.“Excuse me? Someone like me? What’sthat supposed to mean?”  

He scoopedthe ice-cream onto his fork, mixing it with a piece of cake and took his sweettime to savour it, her eyes never leaving hers. “I’m talking about the whole ‘Idon’t need no people in my life’ crap you’re so into.”

“Says theman who lacks basic manners,” she rolled her eyes.

“At leastI’m not in denial about it,” Owen beamed at her.

Sheregarded him darkly. “I think the real question is – what are you doing here,Mr. Grady?”

He pointeddown at his plate. The at the poster. Then reminded her, “Owen.”

“Not that,”she scoffed and gestured vaguely around the bar. “Here.”

“Oh,there’s a party,” he waved dismissively toward the back patio. “It got boring.”A shrug. “Seriously, come on, who was it? Eric from Business Strategies or Darrenfrom Accounting? No, wait! Alex from Wu’s team. Gotta be him. Am I right?”

Claireplucked a plump strawberry off the top of her dessert and took a bite, notoblivious to how he nearly choked at the sight of it, feeling significantlybetter about herself by the second. “Why would you think it’s either of them?”

Owenswallowed hard and tore his eyes away from her lips, as red as the strawberry,and took a sip of his drink, more to have something to focus on that wasn’t hermouth than anything else. “They’re obnoxious assholes,” he explained. “Thoughtthey might be your type.”

“You’dknow,” she hummed. “I went out with you, after all.”

His eyebrowquirked curiously. “I thought you were pretending it never happened orsomething. Blocking the whole thing out, maybe.”

“I am.” Sheconfirmed. “You do make a nice cautionary tale, though. To remind me not tomake the same mistake twice.”

And thereit was again – a flicker of something in his gaze. Not quite hurt, she decided,caught off-guard and overcome with guilt all of a sudden. Of regret, perhaps.Alas, it was gone before she was even sure she saw anything at all.

Owen letout a short laugh. “Glad to be of service. And for what it’s worth, he’s amoron.”

“No onestood me up. Do we have to talk about it?”

“Okay, noone stood you up. Then where–” He cut off, his smile slipping. “He didn’t…”

“You knowwhat?” Claire pushed her half-finished cake away and stood up, the legs of herchair scraping on the floor and making a few heads turn their way. “This wasfun, but I have to…” She trailed off and cleared her throat, refusing to lookat him because there was only so much humiliation she could handle in a span ofa few hours. Her throat tightened, a hot lump lodged in it making her eyessting.  Trading mocking comments was onething – like playing ping-pong, back and forth, back and forth, to make surethey still got it. Dealing with his pity, on the other hand, was not somethingshe could bear.

“Shit,” sheheard Owen curse behind her back as she made a beeline for the foyer, past thehotel patrons and the personnel, past the bellboys and the sounds of music andlaughter, drifting in from the pool, and toward the doors leading outside.Shouldn’t have had that third drink, she was thinking now, her head light andweightless, like it was going to detach itself from her neck and float into thenight sky. “Claire, wait!”

He was rightbehind her, but the sound of his voice only propelled Claire forward, her heelsclucking on the cobbled street, echoing in the night, carrying her toward thedock. If she was lucky, she wasn’t late for the last ferry to the island yetbecause there was no way in hell she was staying here. She’d swim, if she hadto.  

“Just… waita sec.” Owen trudged up to her, easily matching her pace stride for stride.“Look, you’re upset–”

“No shit,Sherlock,” she muttered under her breath, and winced, never a fan of harshlanguage. Gripped her purse tight and took an unsteady breath, remindingherself to ignore him. Ignore the whole world, for that matter. She would wakeup tomorrow, and everything would shift back into place, and she would forgetthis night ever happened. Owen Grady and his jokes… “Leave me alone, Owen. Goback to—whatever it was you were doing there.” Tired, she was pointedly keepingher eyes starlight ahead – mostly to avoid tripping on the uneven sidewalk andspraining her ankles, but also because the idea of seeing what she keptglimpsing on his face was almost painful for the reasons she couldn’t quiteplace.

He didn’t.Instead, hands tucked in the pockets of his pants, he followed her silently asif it was the plan all along, steering Claire into one of the side alleys thatdid, in fact, was a shortcut that saved them at least 10 minutes, and boardedthe half-empty ferry with her.

The buzz inClaire’s head intensified, and she climbed onto the top deck, holding tightonto the railing as she walked lest she fall into the black water, churningbelow. The wind was chilly up there, tugging at her hair and whipping it in herface, her skin prickling with goosebumps. She inhaled deeply, breathing in therich scent of jungle and the ocean, allowing it to envelop it like a blanket,very much aware of Owen’s presence and half-temped to remind him he didn’t haveto escort her home, but not having it in her to bother.

“I’msorry,” he broke the silence after a while. Leaning against the railing next toher, he was watching the lights of the park grow closer and brighter, his voicemuffled by the wind. “It was none of my business and I… um, I ruined yournight, and…”

“Yeah,because it was going so great before you showed up,” Claire murmured, tuckingher hair behind her ear. “Ethan. It was Ethan.”

Owen’s earsperked up and he turned to her, studying the outline of her profile, paleagainst the blackness of the sky that was pouring into the sea until hecouldn’t tell where one ended and another began.

“A dudefrom Marketing? That Ethan?” He asked and cleared his throat. “Well, I hate torain on anyone’s parade, but it’s probably for the best. Doubt his wifewould’ve approved of you.” Claire whipped her head around, and he addedquickly, “It’s not about you, I swear. It’s just the marriage thing.”

“Oh, mygod,” she groaned and dropped her face into her hands, squeezing her eyes shut.“What is wrong with me? Why am I such an asshole-magnet?”

“I’ll trynot to take it personally,” he noted. His hands handed on her shoulders and heturned her to him, pulled her hands down and framed her face with his fingersuntil she was looking at him, her breathing shallow and warm on his skin.“You’re not an asshole-magnet, Claire.” He ran his thumb over her cheekbone. “You’resmart, and funny, and brilliant, and this particular asshole is very sorry hescrewed it up.” Her eyes were huge and bottomless, and the corner of his mouthcurled up as he stepped closer to her until there was no air left between them.“And just so you know – everyone from Marketing are jerks.”

Clairebunched a handful of his shirt in her fingers and pulled him down to her, hermouth crashing against his.

Theystarted kissing and didn’t stop, hungry lips and wandering hands and anundercurrent of burning desire right beneath the surface. Claire’s tongueslipped into his mouth and a low groan formed in the back of his throat, hispalm hiking up her skirt, inching toward her hip, rough and calloused againsther silky skin. She tasted of chocolate and warmth and Claire, her hands running through his hair, gripping it tight inher fists, and it was almost too much. She nipped at his bottom lip, pressingherself closer to him, warm and real, and so much more than he ever imaginedshe’d be.

“Take mehome with you,” Claire whispered when they found themselves on the solid groundagain, no longer swaying with the ferry, although neither remembered how ithappened, how the dock emptied and there was no but them in the dim light of alone streetlamp, surrounded by the whisper of the waves.

“You’redrunk,” Owen told her, making no attempt to step back, though, his handsflexing ever so slightly on her sides, each movement matching his raggedbreathing.

“Not thatdrunk,” she promised, pulling up to kiss him again.

—

Claire wokeup to the bright sun beaming in her face, which was wrong on so, so manylevels, if only because her bedroom was west-facing, and a loud pounding on thedoor somewhere close to her. She groaned and buried her face deeper into thepillow, squeezing her eyes shut, and it was only then that it finally occurredto her that the pounding was not coming from the outside but was rather araging headache, booming inside her skull.

Grimacing,she reached for her face and rubbed the corners of her eyes, very aware all ofa sudden of several things – this was not her bed. Aside from the windowmagically moving itself to the wall where it didn’t belong, she could attest tonot owning a Winter Fresh fabric softener that the pillowcases smelled of. Inaddition to aforementioned headache, she could also feel a wire from her bradigging rather uncomfortably in her skin, which meant that somewhere along theway she broke her rule about not sleeping in her underwear. And if that wasn’t confusingenough, she could hear someone humming an off-key tune somewhere… wherever shewas.

Claireopened her eyes, squinting in the glare, streaming through the thin lacecurtains and looked around, taking note of a large wardrobe in the corner and adresser opposite the bed, a few books stacked on the top of it. The door to theright from her was half-open and she could see a two-seater couch and a coffeetable, a patch rug on the floor and a pair of boots. Her own clothes from theprevious night were folded and sitting on the chair next to the bed and—

Her eyesflew open and she tossed aside and blanket, momentarily horrified, and thenimmensely relieved to find out that she was wearing an oversized shirt on topof her underwear, a faded logo on which depicted some music band she couldn’tquite make out from this angle.

And then itfinally clicked – her disastrous date with Ethan from Marketing, three glassesof Daiquiri on a practically empty stomach, Owen Grady.

Owen Grady.

Shit!

Clairescrambled out of the bed and peeked out of the room, her nose twitching at thesmell of coffee wafting in from the kitchen and her stomach clenching uncomfortably.For a moment, she wasn’t sure if she was going to get sick, or if maybe herhead would explode first because her skull was suddenly too small for her brainthat apparently was trying to get out.

Thepolished hardwood floor was warm under the bare soles of her feet when shefinally mustered the courage to step into the living room and a take a cursorylook around what turned out being Owen’s small bungalow that, much to Claire’ssurprise, was cleaner and much more in order than she would have expected.Under other circumstances, she would most likely take her time to appreciate itproperly. Right now, however, she desperately needed to fill in the black gapsin her memory that bothered her to such a degree she was almosthyperventilating.

Dressed in loosesweatpants and a grey sleeveless shirt, Owen was rummaging through one of thecupboards in his tiny kitchen. He turned around and stopped humming the momenthe noticed her out of the corner of his eye, and offered Claire a smile sobright it made the sun seem like a 20W lightbulb by comparison.

“Morning,sunshine!”

Clairewinced, her headache pulsing behind her eyes. There was a reason she didn’tdrink much, doing so out of self-pity was proving to be more and more stupidwith every passing moment. “What happened?” She asked, swallowing, her mouthdry and her tongue seemingly made out of sandpaper.

Owen’seyebrows arched expressively, “Before or afterI rocked your world?”

Her eyeswidened, the floor swaying beneath her feet. And for a moment, Claire wishedshe would drop dead, or better yet – wake up yesterday and not end up in thismoment to begin with. “Did we…” She started in a weak, horrified voice.

He studiedher for a moment, then chucked and shook his head. Filled a mug with coffeefrom the machine on the counter and took a generous sip, watching her over therim, his eyes inquisitive and impossibly blue. “Relax. You threw up and passedout. I slept on the couch.”

“Oh, god.”She collapsed into one of the mismatched chairs at the table and buried herhead in her hands. Somehow, this seemed even worse. Granted, if they actuallyslept together, she’d prefer to have some recollection of it, but throwing upin front of him was perhaps more humiliating. Infinitely more! She felt hercheeks grow hot, the traitorous colour rising up her face – her personal littlecurse. Damn it!

“S’okay.”Owen set her own mug in from of her, her stomach still folding in on itself.“This should help.” She glanced up at him, grateful, and he reached out onimpulse to loop a strand of hair around her ear, his fingertips lingering onher cheek for a few seconds. “Want some Tylenol?”

Claireshook her head, caught off guard by the gentle gesture that felt oddly familiarand more comforting than she was willing to admit. “So, you didn’t–”

“Takeadvantage of a woman who had no idea what was happening?” He scoffed. “Give me some credit, Claire. Besides, when ithappens, I’ll prefer you to remember it.” When, not if. A promise, not anotherquip. And her skin flushed again, but for an entirely different reason.

She claspedher hands around her mug and took a cautious sip, allowing it to burn hertongue and wondering if it was going to stay down. So far, so good. She glanceddown at what she figured was his shirt then. “And… um, this?”

Owenplopped down into the chair opposite from her, grinning. “Oh, you did theundressing.”

“Great,”she muttered, wishing she could drown in her coffee. Staring at the scarredsurface of his table, she could feel his gaze on her, warm and palpable, andher heart was a nervous flurry in her chest, beating against her ribcage. “Youknow, I think I could actually use that Tylenol,” Claire said after a few minutesof silence interrupted only by the ticking of the clock on the way.

“Sure.” Hepushed his chair back and stood up. “Ah, and if you want to take a shower orsomething before I drive you back, go for it.”

Claire methis eyes; tried to keep her face neutral, hoping he wouldn’t notice hertrembling fingers. “There’s no need for that. I mean, you don’t have to. Icould…”

“Walk twomiles?” Owen finished for her.

They bothglanced at her three-inch heels sitting on the floor near the coffee table.

She sighed.

—

“I am notgetting on that thing!” Claire announced, regarding Owen’s bike skeptically,her hands on her hips and her lips pursed stubbornly together. Slightly wobblyon the lawn in front of his bungalow, she tipped her chin up for good measure,well aware of how ludicrous she was looking, still dressed in her last night’sclothes and knowing that this man was holding her hair not 8 hours ago when shewas paying dearly for her poor decisions.

“Didn’tbother you last night,” Owen noted, amused, glancing at her over his shoulder.

“Pleasedon’t tell me–”she started.

“And youliked it, too, baby,” he added with acheeky smile.

Clairepinched the bridge of her nose and let out a slow breath, torn betweensuppressing her exasperation and hiding a smile that kept slipping, betrayingthe fact that last night, despite of how it ended, wasn’t the worst Valentine’sDay of her life.

Owen sighedand leaned against his bike, pulling her toward him – uncertain at first andthen more sure when she didn’t resist - until she was standing between hisparted legs, their eyes on the same level. One hand on Claire’s waist, hesmoothed down her hair curling in the tropical humidity with his fingers,threading them through the soft locks, his eyes fastened on hers. She stilllooked sleepy and maybe a little panicky, and he resisted the urge to run histhumb over the sprinkling of freckles on her cheeks, mesmerized by the softnessof what he used to think of as sharp edges.

“I’m sorryyour date didn’t work out last night.”

“I’m not,”she said, allowing her lips to lift up at the corners, still processing thefact that somehow in a span of one night, and seemingly without her say in it,they went from frenemies to something that was making her weak in the knees,her head swimming. “I mean, it seems to have worked out just fine, all thingsconsidered.”

“Do youremember anything at all?” He asked softly.

Claire’shands landed on his chest. He’d changed into a navy-blue t-shirt that stretchednicely over his broad chest, his skin warm through the fabric. She bit herbottom lip, studying him, taking her time to notice golden specs in his blueeyes, faint smiley lines in the corners of his eyes, her hands itching to touchhis face, run his fingertips over the stubble on his cheeks.

Her gazedropped down to his mouth.

“Yes,” shewhispered, watching his lips curve into a broader grin, barely resisting theurge to roll her eyes, but leaned into him nonetheless because what she did, infact, could recollect was pretty damn nice on every possible level.

“Thankgod,” Owen breathed out, tilting her face up to capture her mouth with his. “SoI was thinking,” he muttered between the kisses when Claire’s arms slid aroundhis neck, her fingers gripping his hair on the back of his head, “maybe I couldpick you up later and we’d make some new memories.”

She restedher forehead against his, her hand running over the collar of his shirt. “It’sSunday,” Claire said after a brief pause. “I don’t have to leave yet.”

[hotel-massage-london]

Massages from around the world – Weird, wonderful & whacky

Massages from around the world – Weird, wonderful & whacky

Everyone has had a massage before, whether it’s your bog standard Swedish style or something a little more touchy feely if you know I mean… Either way, most people have experienced first-hand the delights and wonders of massage in any form. Massage is an ancient ritual and was established thousands of years ago in Asia. Over the years, this sacred practice has adapted; hybrid styles have emerged and people have used their imaginations to create new styles. That’s all well and good obviously, but some people just have to take it too far don’t they? There is nothing wrong with being creative, but it’s safe to say that some idiots from across the world have gone a little OTT with experimentation. It’s almost a competition to see who can invent the most ridiculous massage style. Although the list is seemingly endless, we have gone to the effort of narrowing down our favourite weird massage styles from around the globe. Some call them revolutionary, I just call them down right stupid to be honest; but I’ll let you be the judge of that…

Python massage

Okay, so imagine it. You’ve been sightseeing all day and you’re aching in places you didn’t even know existed. You’re offered a massage- are you going to turn it down? Of course you aren’t, it’s exactly what you need right now. Or is it?… Cebu City Zoo in the Philippines is a tourist hotspot, but also attracts people from across the world for a different reason. Lunatics from around the globe don’t just come to the zoo to see animals; they come to get up close and personal with them. Well, the Pythons, to be exact. Cebu City Zoo’s notorious Python massage is arguably one of the strangest massage styles on the planet, and is probably a living nightmare for most people. Four giant Burmese Pythons, weighing a massive 250kg collectively are placed on a brave ass mother f***** and left to slither around as they please. The pythons, named Walter, Daniel, Michelle and EJ are fed about 10 chickens each before the massage to curb their hunger pains. No human for dessert then? The session is said to last around 10-15 minutes and is apparently very therapeutic and calming; each to their own. I’d rather not tempt 4 man-eating snakes to have a bite…

Cactus Massage

When it comes to spa treatments, we are all spoiled for choice. There’s a treatment for absolutely everything- literally. When you’re on holiday or out of town for business, exploring luxury treatments is a given- but would you be willing to take a risk on potentially waste a load of money on something unconventional? If your answer is yes, take a trip to the Four Seasons’ hotel in Punta Mita, Mexico and give their famous Hakali cactus massage a go. Before you ask, this isn’t an ancient form of acupuncture- the needles are removed before the session and only the paddles (the leaves) are used. The paddles are heated in warm water and are split in half once soft. The gooey side is then rubbed onto the skin, helping to heal sunburns, hydrating the skin and banishing toxins. And the best part is, the nopal juice absorbs quickly into the skin and doesn’t leave you feeling greasy or sticky after the session- result! Sounds pretty good if you ask me!

The meat cleaver massage

Is it just me, or does this sound like something out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre? No, this terrifying massage wasn’t inspired by horror movies; it was actually invented in China and dates back to 770BC! The session, which typically only lasts around 10 minutes, begins when the brave participant lays face down on the massage table. The masseuse/butcher look-a-like then uses the SHARP side of the 10” blade and gently begins to knead and tap the skin with the cleaver. However, these massages aren’t necessarily sought out for muscle release- it’s more of a spiritual style. It is believed that the steel can help to remove ‘negative energy’ from the body, and can encourage deeper sleep and better circulation. Okay, so maybe it isn’t as scary as I thought, and it only costs around $7 a session- bargain. Maybe you’ve pulled my leg…

Gondola Massage

Everyone dreams of experiencing the picturesque and sickeningly dreamy sites that Venice has to offer; after all, it is the most romantic city in the world. But, if bopping along the city’s’ famous canals in a gondola wasn’t good enough already, imagine getting a massage at the same time? Sign me up right away! Yes, Gondola massage is now a thing, and it’s safe to say people have lost their shit over it. At the Casanova Spa at the Hotel Cipriani, Venice offers these sensational massage experiences for any relaxation-seeker with a few hundred euros lying around. Easy. The massage is conducted in a private gondola with a trained masseuse and gondolier at hand, and is performed on the beautiful waters of the ancient city. As the massage focuses mainly on the feet, hands and upper part of the body, you don’t have to worry about passers-byers having a cheeky peek at your goodies. Afraid you’ll fry under the sun? Don’t worry; the massage oil used during the session was specifically designed to contain SPF protection agents- so no sunburn today kids. Get me there right now!

Elephant massage

Have you had a stressful couple of weeks and need a massage to let off some steam? If you’re feeling a little tense, why not commission an elephant to sort it out for you? No, we don’t mean some middle aged masseuse on Craigslist, we mean an actual elephant, believe it or not. A tourist park in Chiang Mai, Thailand advertises these chancy massages to any courageous volunteers with balls of steel. Of course, the elephants have been trained to delicately press their feet on the backs of the subjects, and also sometimes use their trunks to lightly manipulate the muscles. Don’t get me wrong, I love elephants, but I don’t fancy the idea of one standing on me. The fact this massage is free says it all!

African snail massage

If you’re obsessed with turning back the clock and preventing ageing as much as possible, then you’ll probably have all of the latest fad creams on the market. But how do you fancy giving snail slime a go? Anything for youthful, soft skin, right? Believe it or not, salons across the world are using this bizarre technique all in the name of beauty. This rather unusual facial was created by a French bloke a couple of years ago who claimed that snails are full of collagen. As such, having these gross little critters sliding all over your face can actually work wonders for the skin and its elasticity. This apparently, ‘relaxing’ massage/facial is meant to feel god damn amazing- that is after you’re able to get over the fact smarmy insects are probably crapping on your face. I’m going to pass, thanks.

Tickling massage

If you’re anything like me, you’ll find being tickled to be the worst form of torture known to man. Seeing a finger float towards my neck literally sends fear pulsating through my body. Unbeknown to me, however, not everyone shares the same dislike as I do. In fact, some people pay for it (weirdoes). Tickling massage is a thing, and for me, it is a manifestation of my worst nightmares. This tormenting massage style originated in Madrid, Spain and is performed in order to reduce stress. Using delicate finger tips and soft feathers, masseuses gently trace down the clients’ back and other areas, and adapt their routine depending on how ticklish each person is. The more ticklish, the more sensitive their routine becomes etc. Personally, I’d rather not pay a stranger $35 to torture me, but if this sounds like your kind of thing, be my guest. It’s your funeral!

Flames massage

Oddly enough, setting fire to yourself isn’t as bad as people seem to think- well, not when it comes to Flame massage, anyway. This rather fiery form of massage is not for the faint hearted, that’s for sure- but if you’re brave enough to get hot and steamy, then you’re in for a treat. Originating in China, Flame massage is very popular during the winter in traditional, Chinese hospitals and it used to prevent illnesses such as flu and colds. Typically, masseurs sprinkle towels with a flammable substance (usually alcohol) and then set it on fire. The towel is then placed on the client, and is then eventually put out using another towel. Surprisingly, the massage isn’t at all painful and is actually meant to be great for losing weight? The term, ‘burning fat’ has never been truer!

Massages by the blind

When you’re investing money into a luxury, you should never go into it blind. At least, you shouldn’t- but your masseuse might. Believe it or not, ‘blind massage parlours’ are insanely popular in China- so much so, it is believed that there’s one on every street block in some areas. The massage itself is pretty standard in many regards, and still focuses on relieving muscle tension and inducing relaxation. However, creator Ly Yuan says that blind massage is better because, “giving a good massage is dependent on a person’s tactile sensitivity. Obviously, blind people have a strong advantage in this.” If you say so Yuan, if you say so.

Pancake massage

Well, what would you know? Finally a massage with sense behind it! I mean, I don’t actually know what a hot pancake could do for the skin, but does that really matter? You’re covered in pancakes- that’s all I need to know! But seriously guys, pancake massage is an actual thing, and its meant to be pretty good. Essentially, fresh, hot pancakes are applied directly to the skin which is said to help tackle fatigue, nourish the skin and banish excess fluid. Practitioners of this tasty massage treatment also claim that it improves bloody circulation but maintaining proper body heat and utilising natural flour for healing properties. Sounds like a load of crap if you ask me, but count me in!

Egg massage

Oh my god seriously? Guys, my head if seriously scrambled now. I wish I was kidding, but im not- ‘Egg massage’ is a thing, and it’s more popular then you’d think. This style originated in china (obviously) and is practiced more for superstition purposes as opposed to healing ones. In China, they believe that it is good luck for a father to give his child a head massage with eggs after the baby has had a haircut. Traditional belief dictates that on the second day of the Lunar month, the egg-massage is said to bring good luck and fortune. I’m just going to stick to fortunate cookies I think guys, I don’t know about you.

Thankfully that concludes our list of weird and not-so-wonderful massage styles from around the world. I myself will stick to the more traditional styles; after all, I don’t really fancy being set on for, eaten by a deadly python, being tickled to death and being squashed flat by an elephant. Oh, and don’t forget about being smothered head to toe in smelly egg. No thank you. I’ll stick to something less eccentric I think…

If you’d like to book in for a massage that’s a little out of the ordinary but not too wild, why not consider an Oriental massage with a trained professional? If you’d like to be pampered and pleasured by a gorgeous Asian masseuse at a time and a place that suits you, then give us a call on the telephone number below or come visit us at our address:

Hotel Massage London Jermyn St St James’s London SW1Y 6JD 07818115228

This post Massages from around the world – Weird, wonderful & whacky published first on the hotel massage blog http://hotel-massage.co.uk/