#Connor:…..pls say sike

[butch-creeper]

Damien, 14 years old, having been raised in an assassin cult and then moved to the house of a rich man where they probably ate very fancy and healthy: what is a gusher?

Connor Hawke, 16, about to have the time of his life as he holds out the bag to him: have one

[coasttocoastreads]

Welcome back to Week 2 of Coast to Coast Reads! Who’s still alive? Katya and I are dying while social distancing, but at least we had a few laughs discussing this book:

Crescent City (House of Blood and Earth) // Sarah J Maas

★★ / ★★★★★

Summary in one two gif(s):

Real Summary:

Crescent City, a place where vanir (supernatural beings such as angels, fae, shifters, etc.) and humans freely mingle and go about their days. Bryce Quilan is a 20-something fae/human who’s still reeling from the murder of her friends 2 years ago. But after she’s commissioned to help search for an ancient artifact, Bryce, along with her new angel partner Hunt, unearth previously buried secrets about the murder that threaten to expose a worldwide conspiracy. 

Pros:

Great side characters. I would die for each and every one of them.

Lots of different mythological creatures! Not just another Fae Book™️

Cons:

It’s literally ToG 2-7 combined. If you read Throne of Glass, you’ve already been spoiled for this book. 💀💀💀

It’s wayyyy too long

Drags a lot in the beginning

Plot .5/5 (the .5 is for you, Lehaba)

What can I say. SJM literally plagiarized herself by taking the plotline of the tog books and translating it to this new setting. The writing itself was subpar, and most of the time it felt like the author herself had no idea where the plot was going, instead letting it drag on until a plot twist that makes no sense is revealed. (You’ll know which one I’m talking about when you get there.) I’ll compare CC with ToG with spoilers under the cut. 

Pacing 2/5

The beginning is full of info-dumping as SJM tries to set up this world which is metaphorically like ours, but everyone’s hot and does fantasy cocaine all the time.  It narrates boring day-to-day schedules that could have been condensed into a paragraph and at times I was tempted to skip ahead. The plot does pick up near the last 25% though, so I’ll give it that. 

Worldbuilding 2.5/5

It was confusing. To be fair, after all the info was dumped at the beginning, I didn’t bother going back to try to figure things out when they popped up again after. But like still??? I think I only started understanding the hierarchy of the government with the Asterrii(?). Also what are the Triarii I am still lost. SJM attempts to blend a more modern society with one of fantasy creatures, and for the most part it succeeds, but it often just feels...strange. I think the one thing I’m most hung up about is why swords and guns still coexist. Like ??????? it’s one or the other plssssss abandon the “aesthetic” Also while they literally have cell phones and keurig machines there aren’t common things like cars? Why.

Characters: (This is unconventional, bear with me)

Main Characters: -infinity/5 they could go die for all I care

Bryce and Hunt were both super unlikeable, 10/10 would let fall from a cliff. They are literally just rewrites of Aelin and Rowan? Bryce is like ahahaha yeah people think I’m Just a dumb vapid Female™️ who parties too much and gets trashed but SIKE I’m actually the chosen one and I’ve been hiding it this whole time because I didn’t want to hurt people’s feelings uwu. And did I mention I’m actually a trained Warrior who can keep up with The Boys? It’s Aelin y’all. There are numerous times where a character says that she’s not stupid and I’m like...are you sure... This girl makes the poorest decisions, yet ofc, there aren’t any long term consequences... (Also 99% of her problems come from ghosting people literally just respond with “k” sis)

Hunt is... idek what to say about Hunt. He’s just Rowan but in angel form. His inner monologue cycles between I must pay off my debt so I can gain Freedom 😔, why is Bryce so hot 🥴, and Shahar 😭. Once again, literally Rowan who also was bound to some evil villain, had the hots for their CENTURIES YOUNGER pupil/protectee, and had an old lover die tragically which led to them believing they can never find love again UNTIL BryLin comes along. Snooze. 

Side Characters: Infinity/5 

Ruhn Danaan was the most valid character and that’s the hill I’ll die on. He literally just wanted to protect his sister cuz she’s stupid af but she keeps pushing him away bc he’s an “alphahole” (haha how subversive :/) I want a whole book about him and Hypaxia, preferably fanfiction so I don’t have to read “soft feminine breathing” ever again.

Literally all the supporting cast- Lehaba, Therion, Ithan, Jesiba, Flynn, Connor, etc, etc. had more compelling characters and side stories than Bryce/Hunt. I was 100% more invested in them and I can’t wait to read/write more about them. 

(Pls let me marry Jesiba Roga or Therion 🥺)

But while the people on the “good” side were spectacular, the villains all felt one-dimensional and the product of over-recycled and overused tropes mashed together. Sandriel and Pollux are literally just Maeve and Cairn (is that his name)

I’d recommend for:

People who loved Throne of Glass and are lamenting the absence of new content. Please read about Rowaelin 2.0

People stuck at home during this global crisis and have too much time on their hands. (If you need that free epub, hmu)

People who are willing to skip all scenes that feature just Bryce and/or Hunt 

People who hate themselves

Would I travel here?

Sorry, what? Already shredded my passport, not getting a replacement, sorry. 

Overall thoughts:

I wish I could somehow take those hours of my life back but alas. 

See y’all in two weeks with a hopefully better book selection,

Tiff

Spoilers under cut

Okay time to VENT

OKAY so CC=ToG, let’s break down how

Danika’s death is the Nehemia Incident, setting the mc up for a journey of self discovery/reclaiming their power. They both show up as ghosts later to encourage mc in a time of great self-struggle.

Syrinx if Fleetfoot. bc all female mc’s need a pet to reveal her Feminine and Soft side

Sandriel and Pollux are Maeve and Cairn. Evil female character with vast power and her torturer? COOKIE CUTTER FORMULA. The scene where Bryce offers herself up for Hunt in the lobby also kinda mirrors that scene in..HoF? QoS? Don’t remember, but pretty sure that happened. Also that scene was so fucking dumb, I really thought Bryce had a Smart Plan, but I was bamboozled once again. 

A gem from my notes: “Bryce is Aelin but with cocaine”

I think the whole demon portal thing is a ripoff of ACOWAR (or is it KoA I can’t even remember), sacrificing yourself to close the rift, etc, etc. 

Anyways, Bryce = Aelin, a party-girl front with a sob backstory that’s her superpower origin story who always has a Plan. 

Hunt = Rowan, broody warrior busy repaying debts getting orders they don’t want while pining over a lost love. They reluctantly let the female mc in and voila they’re in LOVE

The whole “plot twist” that revealed Hunt’s true plan along was so fucking dumb...

It wasn’t a plot twist, it was just plain bad writing

There was no set up at all, nothing alluding to Hunt secretly masterminding an attempted coup with the help of Magic Meth

The whole time I was like “...this is part of their plan right. There’s no way he legit planned this...”

Character’s POVs should reveal what they’re thinking, even if you’re just hinting at something to reveal later...this was just lazy

Another thing that really rubbed me the wrong way was the sudden reveal that Fury and Juniper had been in a relationship the whole time? Despite like above, there was no prior allusion to that?

It felt like half-assed representation at best and completely irrelevant to the story with it coming up again in a throwaway line near the end

Also? I’m fairly certain there was a scene in the beginning where they were all out clubbing and Juniper hooked up with some rando while Fury was also at the club with them? Was this before they got together or did SJM insert this so last minute that no one caught it?

Wtf is sunball. Can someone just help me out here.

Some people have been saying Hunt is Asian coded? Where???!!!!! All I’m seeing is the same stuff she pulled in ACOTAR where all the Illyrians were tan so people could claim they were poc for woke points but not get in trouble for art depicting them as white ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

SJM pls stay away from “like calls to like” you don’t deserve it

[thedarkempath]

ayyy voici ma critique (que personne n'a demandé)

I cannot believe Rae had to watch her “Mother” (Melissa) get shot point blank two feet in front of her, and now watched as Dick got brutally stabbed within reaching distance. Thanks for that, Titans

Dani’s tarot card reading; “Your past; the tower. Upheaval, it leads to a period of darkness. Your present; the moon. The realm of dreams. Your unconscious knows your way back to the light. You have to trust your intuition, it will guide you to your purpose. Your future; the hanged man. Brutality is coming your way. You must prepare to make a great sacrifice or suffer a great loss. “

Hi what the FUCK does that mean?? why does rae need to suffer if literally every bad thing thats ever happened to her has been a great loss or a great sacrifice so??? can we pls leave my daughter alone???

Dani believed Rae didn’t kill him, she’s over here with more trust in her than any of the Titans at the moment.

The smile Rachel gives the bus lady after throwing down all those crumpled bills had me fucking screaming

Kori’s way of coping was to fuck a hot guy, who happened to be a psychiatrist. And said guy then went and analyzed her ass while making out, and really lost his chance to sleep with anna diop damn

idk how to feel about the ladies meeting up at the diner. are we all to believe bruce just called them all there, gave them a speech, stole a donut, then left? if he’s so concerned about dick, why doesn’t he break him out of jail? why plot behind the girls back just to have them talk for one scene???? idgi! and I had such hope that they were gonna pool their braincells together and actually work through this shit but, nope!!!

Sidenote, there were two good things about the diner scene, the first being that Bruce called the Titans a family like 3 times and I was soft

The second;  “Bruce Wayne somehow miraculously arranged for us all to meet in this diner in the middle of nowhere to mansplain us into putting the Titans back together”

Rae desperately trying to keep them together by shouting out “I’m having dreams again!” broke my heart. She just wants to have a normal life for like 5 seconds!!! 

This greatness of this line: “Look, I know that I sound crazy. I know that. But Dick needs my help. And I really need yours. Please.”, only to be followed by Dawn/Donna leaving anyways??? and Dawn putting her hand on rae’s cheek so softly only to say sike??? 

Donna p much said ‘fuck you Rachel, and fuck dick too’ which I Did Not Like and then the show really tried getting me to believe that dawn marie granger heard how sadly Rae called out to her (which broke my fucking heart) and didn't even look back once??? sounds fake

Them going to look for Connor/Gar makes a little sense bc yeah of course they want to try finding the children in trouble first, but straight up abandoning Rae like that was so out of character for both of them!!!  

But I had to pause it for a good 10 minutes bc I was so emotional.

Anyways ,,, “So are there any more plot twists or can we go?” rose is saying what we’re all thinking

And finally, Rae really tried to break her dad out of jail without any shits given to possible consequences, she’s out here committing federal crimes for him

[heyhihelloidontusethisanymo-blog]

deh cell phone/social media headcanons (?)

ok so I like rarely post on this blog but I couldn’t stop thinking about like what they’d all be like using their phones and stuff?? idk im tired this is gonna be shitty but less go

jared:

ok but he would def have an ifunny and have like 1834384 followers (or whatever idk how it works but he’d be popular ya know)

and like brag about it  constantly

like “guys I’m like,,, ,, kind of famous not to brag”

(but he would be bragging)

(110%)

ok hear me out,, but he would SO be one of those people who have an android phone and believe that apple products are Spawned From Satan™

like if anyone would be like “haha lol why do u have that crappy phone” he would launch into a fULL ON RANT about how much apple sucks and all the cool stuff on his phone and how much better it is

he would probs have a meme account on insta too tbh

he would have a voicemail that goes “hello?” and trick the person to start talking ya know

and like ten seconds in he would be like “SiKe i’m not here rn hahAAA leave a message”

he would text in all lowercase for sURE

lots of crytyping and excessive commas obvi

uh he would have the highest snapscore (or whatever it’ ever it’s called)

his story would always be sooo long 

all just vids of his day and people doing funny things

he would have 23859320495803 snapchat memories ok

he would just be v funny idk i love him

connor:

connor frekaing murphy okay

just hear me out pls

,he would probably have a tumblr that’s like surprisingly aesthetic?

(idk how to word that but you now what i’m trying to say)

but it would be a Major Secret™ like if someone asked him he would be like “lol tumblr who is that”

his screen on his phone would always be shattered

he wouldn’t really care tho tbh

his insta would probably be like empty except for one picture he posted when he was really young

but after he meets evan he posts a lot more

like really really random candids that most people would just delete

that would be his entire account okay

(also pictures of evan being Cute)

he would most likely always have the second newest iphone

like when everyone had an iphone 7 he would have a 6 know what i mean

ok but 

cmon

he would DEF take so many selfies

and like keep them in his my eyes only on snapchat

he would never post them anywhere but one day he decided to post one on insta and everyone was s h o o k 

and freaked out

im talking like 200 comments

anyway

I just don’t picture him using snapchat that much

i think he would like have a streak with evan and maybe like a 3 day one with jared every once in a while but other than that nothin

his voicemail would be like “u can leave a message but ill probably not listen to it so just text me instead bye”

yeah that’s connor

zoe:

zoe i love her omg

ok 

so she would have an insta and it would have The Best Theme Ever™

it would be v pastel i feel

and there would be a lot of pictures of flowers

and of alana

obvi

she would also post vids of her like playing the guitar and other instruments and they would be so good and get like so many likes

her bio would be something really deep but in french?

like she would probably go on google translate and type in a cool quote and just copy and paste it into her bio tbh 

but it would be so cute and cool

she would have a rose gold iphone

no matter what

it would always be the newest kind

and she would like n e v e r wear a case on her phone 

(except for those clear ones, in which case she would like draw on them or put stickers on)

but her phone would never crack or get scratched

ever

and everyone would be like “????? how???”

she would DEF have a tumblr

she would have a personal blog and then an aesthetic one and like 39483 extra sideblogs

her voicemail would be the typical “hey, it’s zoe! can’t get to the phone right now, pls leave a message!”

she would have had it as one like jared’s before but it probably somehow screwed her over

so she changed it

she would text in all caps a lot i feel

i just love her?? ok??

alana:

guys.

GUYS

i have so many for this girl

she would have a tumblr too

and she would follow every single one of zoe’s blogs

she would SO have a studyblr okay

like she would for sure have a bullet journal 

and have such pretty and high quality pens and highlighters

it would be everyone’s goals

her insta probably doesn’t have a theme tho

I feel like she wouldn’t post often?? ?

but when she would it would either be a long political thing or just a cute pic of zoe

she would have like mostly perfect grammar when she texts

except she would just use like SO MANY question marks

not like?? this??

but it would be like Wow?????????

like that

that made no sense

ok moving on

her voicemail. her voicemail

would be so extra okay

like she would have definetly (that’s not how u spell that ok) have found a way to make it so u have to press the numbers when u call her

like “for work calls, press 1. for family calls, press 2. zoe murphy, press 3.” that type thing

and she would have SO MANY different categories for everyone

people would get annoyed with it and give passive agressive messages sometimes but she wouldn’t care reallu

she loves her organized voicemail

she would def save her own money to buy her phone

but she would like mostly buy the iphone 6

idk why

she just would

SHE WOULD HAVE A SNAPCHAT STREAK WITH EVERYONE. dont fight me on this i know it

i love alana too 

evan:

okay okay okay guys

i saved the best for last

i like,,,, love evan so much ok

what a little bean

anyways

so first of all 

he would probably have the iphone 5s

and it would run out of battery in about .2 seconds

he wouldn’t really care but he feels bad missing his mom’s calls so he’s always asking for a car charger 

his background would be of trees on his lock screen (obvi okay)

but his homescreen would be a pic of connor 

4 sure

of course

and once they’re like “official” his lockscreen would be a pic of them

just bein cute

aw 

ok this is for a different time but id like to mention that i feel like he would have a dog?

moving on

his voicemail would probably be the standard “your call has been transfered to an automated voice messaging system. blah blah blah.”

but jared would be like “dude. u gotta change that.”

so after like 203857 tries he finally just goes

“hithisisevanimnothererightnowpleaseleaveamessage”

(connor would think it’s adorable btw)

his instagram would be adorable

he would probably post every two seconds

he would post a lot of pics of trees

but when becomes closer with alana and zoe and connor he starts posting pics of all them together and like cute blurry selfies

his bio would be like “HI, this is evan! Here are my pictures.”

he would have a snap but not post on it much

like maybe every once in a while

but he would of course have a streak with connor

(probably alana too tbh)

oh i forgot to mention this but he would be terrified to crack his phone

he would have a big clunky case 

(like an off brand otter box but worse)

he would text with perfect grammar

it would be so cute

like “Hello, how are you?”

aaaaa

but when he would get really anxious he would pull up like one of those soothing sounds apps

and put use the apple headphones that you get with the phone in

(he would still have those and never loose them btw)

and he’d just try to breathe and listen

i love this boy so much. so so much. yeah. 

wow this was longer than i expected lol hope u enjoyed that crappy headcanon!

(ps i ended up actually making the pets headcanon so if u wanna see it lmk and i can post it lol)