#Descendants self ship

[hadesgoddess]

Because, not despite...

3 days until our 1st wedding anniversary! I'm trying to post something for it every day until the 23rd, so here's the first. This is a fic I've had mostly written for a while, it just needed some polish.

The song that Hades sings is this:

Balls weren’t Hades’ thing. Really, any big social gathering gave him the urge to make a full 180 and run the other way. He was a bit of a loner, even after leaving the Isle and spending time with Mal. What could he say? He had an independent life and now that he wasn’t beholden to anyone else’s rules (“Except the law, dad.” Mal pointed out.) he didn’t mean to waste time going where he didn’t want to. 

So how did he find himself standing in the entrance hall of the Royal Palace, tugging irritably at the collar of his shirt? Probably had something to do with the big puppy eyes Mal had given him the week before. Damn, he cursed to himself, she was getting too good at using those on him.

He told himself he would only stay long enough to annoy the royalty, grab a handful of popcorn shrimp, and hit the road. 

“What are you muttering to yourself?” Mal asked, giving him a weird look as she came up to his side. 

“My escape plan." He answered honestly, knowing by now that Mal would take it as a joke. Sure enough, his daughter broke into a fit of giggles and moved on. He was only half serious, the desire to blow the party off and the guilt of thinking about Mal's disappointed face warring inside of him. 

The hall was beginning to fill up fast, so he kept ahead of the crowd and moved into the main ballroom. There were plenty of corners cast in shadow here; they were going for a classic ball look and had only lit the chandeliers and candelabras. Hades found a quiet spot and leaned against the wall. From his vantage point, he had an unfettered view of the entrance and exits that led onto the balcony. Perfect, he thought.

Call him a cynic, but Hades couldn’t see the point of a ball every month. To be fair, he never attended them unless Mal asked, but even twice a year seemed to be pushing it. To him it was all a parade of frivolousness and indulgence. Hades was sure that most of the dresses the kids wore to these were only used once before being discarded. He’d certainly seen enough of them in the garbage heaps they’d dumped on the Isle all those years ago. 

OK, maybe he was being cynical.

He huffed and sunk against the wall, still feeling uncomfortable in the suit Mal insisted he wore. It was a 4Hearts original, black as a midnight sky with clever silver embroidery decorating the sleeves and lapel. The waistcoat was a snug fit across his chest and made him feel like a schmuck. Tight, formal clothes were so not his style. 

Only for his daughter, he thought to himself, missing his worn leather jacket. He'd had that thing so long, it was as smooth as butter. It also had some of his magic endowed into it, helping him slip into the shadows when he could tell he'd worn out his welcome or just needed a breather. What he wouldn’t give to be able to do just that tonight! 

But, he realized later, if he had escaped right then, he would have completely missed the moment Rose entered the room. It was like a spotlight falling right above her. From the far side the room, his eyes couldn’t help but be drawn to her. She was so bright, it hurt to look and like a moth to a flame, he was happy to burn. 

A dark, thorny crown circled their brow, twilight blooms sprouting soft petals against their olive skin. Lace covered their shoulders and chest, black and delicate. Hades’ gaze trailed down her form and lingered on the dip of her waist into her hips, the curve of her shoulder as she turned to look at the person next to her. Every step in her stride was as graceful as any queen Hades had seen.

  Did they know he was there at the ball? He hadn’t promised Mal he would come until yesterday and even Rose knew his disdain for parties. 

Could she feel his gaze from across the room, devouring the sight of her like a starving beggar? Oh, how he’d changed from the dreaded Lord of the Dead. 

No, Rose had changed him. Because she loved him. 

Hades froze, shock from the revelation crashing through him. There was no way, He though frantically, No way, I’ve gotta be wrong. 

After all, Hades had thought whatever relationship was between him and Maleficent had been love in the beginning, in its own little twisted way. It had ended with him running away. Away from someone who was trying to hurt him, used him for their own gains like his siblings had.

He wasn’t sure he really blamed them. It wasn’t until he had Mal that he thought about changing. His daughter was the only one who had ever loved him, even if it wasn’t unconditionally. Hades hoped they would get to that point someday.

What did he know of love?

Then, Rose did spot him in the crowd and it was as if one of Zeus’ thunderbolts struck him through the chest, pinning him where he stood to melt under her gaze. There was no mistaking it; this old foolish god had fallen in love too. 

Even if he wasn’t sure how to untangle the jumble of emotions thrumming in his chest, he trusted his oldest friend, his intuition. Somehow, despite all he pretended to be for the world, an emotionally distant, cold god who pushed away almost everybody, she loved him. 

Despite his past, all the hate and fury that lived in him almost destroyed his first family and did destroy his second family, they loved him.

Despite the desperately lonely centuries spent ruling the Underworld, the even impossibly more lonely years on the Isle, asking her to spy on Mal while watching from afar, she loved him.

Despite the screaming, the raging, the spirals into the dark hole that lived in his soul, they loved him.

Despite the sarcastic, scathing remarks he wielded as his strongest shield and an explosive temper on a pathetically short leash, they loved him.

Rose had seen all of it. And despite... despite, despite, despite it all, she loved him...

In this millisecond that unraveled Hades entire world, Rose had flashed him a brilliant smile, one he was beginning to suspect she saved for only him and turned back to the company at her side. With the connection broken, Hades tried to breathe again, but his chest was too tight. He felt the oddest floating sensation like he was outside his own body. 

I have to get out of here, I- 

Barely able to complete the thought, Hades slipped out the doors leading to the balcony. Cool night air soothed his hot skin, hotter than usual, a welcome relief. 

Questions and doubts were beginning to creep in, right on schedule, an unusual twist on the edge of his thoughts. He was nervous, he realized with some self-disgust. 

What was he going to do? Half of him was ready to self-sabotage, try and change her mind. The other half felt like a soda can ready to pop with breathless disbelief. 

Was that stupid, soft, unbearably warm feeling he got down in the bottom of his stomach what they felt too? Did she ever feel her skin itch with the need to take him by the hand and walk by his side? Did she lose her place in a conversation with him because she could only focus on his lips and how they might feel pressed to hers? Only wanted him to smile at them forever, fondness in ever line? Did she think about how glassy his eyes might get if she leaned in slow and kiss the breath right out of his lungs? Could she want to feel his heart beat beneath her hand, resting there lightly as they swayed in an empty room?

Mind spinning, Hades stared over the balcony railing. Night had descended swiftly, like the souls of ancient Greece to the Underworld. A perfect tint of blue still peeked above the horizon, a gentle border between the falling sun and rising moon. Hades looked up for an answer, like so many mortals once did when he was Lord of the Underworld, and was struck by the clarity of the emerging stars. They reminded him of Rose’s eyes. 

Dropping his head in defeat, Hades drew his hands into fists, skin scraping against the rough cold stone of the balustrade. They deserved better than him. Deserved more than someone ready to turn away the second they realized they loved her. 

Through the miasma of building misery and fear, Rose’s voice came unbidden, a memory from when they were on the Isle before Mal left for Auradon.

“People can be foolish and reckless with love. If I found real love, something strong enough to last, I wouldn’t hurt it or give up.” 

He squeezed his eyes shut. This specter of Rose was just taunting him at this point. Hades was foolish and reckless, he knew. He was also terrified of holding on too tightly or not being able to trust his feelings. What if he couldn’t help but walk away? Maybe it was better to not address it at all, to let whatever was between them wither and die, so no one would get hurt. 

Another memory floated up, 

“Sometimes getting hurt is inevitable. But if you fix it together? That’s love. That’s what I want; someone to share their trust.”

He trusted Rose. Could he trust himself?

He wanted to try for Rose.

Maybe he would never think he could deserve her, but Rose had given him a second chance. Even though his mind was trying to hit every brake pedal and stop him, his body knew he had to be honest with her.

Glancing back over his shoulder at the now full ballroom, Hades made up his mind. He straightened his coat, glad for once to be done up like a show pony. Anything to seem put together when he inevitably made an ass out of himself telling Rose he loved- 

“Shit!” His heart started pounding when he thought about what he was about to go do and his knee actually buckled. Good thing the balustrade was right behind him or he would’ve gone down. 

“Dad! Are you OK?” 

Hades only groaned. Mal emerged from the set of doors further along the balcony, coming to his side. “What are you doing?” She asked again, her face filled with concern.

Composing himself quickly, so it wouldn’t be more embarrassing, Hades said, “Bout to go make my life either heaven or hell. I’ll let you know which later!” And strode back inside. 

“I meant...” She trailed off as he disappeared. “Standing out here alone...?” 

Inside, the ballroom was flush with bodies, all neatly wrapped in swathes of silk and voluminous layers of chiffon. A perfumed cloud floated above the crowd, making Hades’ head spin. He gave it a slight shake, to clear his mind while keeping an eye out for Rose. They were the only one wearing black in this sea of baby blues, pastel pinks, and garish golds. 

How did he not realize he loved her sooner?

Without meaning to, a smile spread across his face. He had the horrible suspicion it was the dopey, sappy, lovestruck fool kind. 

Shaking his head, Hades yelled at himself to get it together. He swept his gaze across the room again and finally spotted the deep red of the flowers in her hair, directly in the middle of the dance-floor. 

Keeping pace with the music, she flew across the shining tile, passing from partner to partner. Delight had overtaken their face, caught up in the whirlwind motion of the crowd. Slowly, he turned and followed. As they moved, so did he, step for step, around and around, waiting for the chance to step in.

Could he do this?

He wanted to do this, he told his noisy fears, he wanted to be there for her. 

And so he was.

As Rose turned from their last partner, arms outstretched to the next one, Hades slipped into the space between and caught her in one lithe move. Her eyes that had been closed in exhilaration blinked in surprise as she beheld her new partner. Hades was technically supposed to pass them on, but he’d never been one to go with the flow and when Rose realized they were with him for the rest of the song, they settled perfectly into his arms. He felt something in his soul click into place. 

“Hades! I’ve been wondering where you slunk off to!” Rose laughed, a little out of breath. Their eyebrow cocked as they continued, teasingly, “I didn’t know you danced.”

“I don’t,” He responded, feeling stiff and out of practice, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him.

“Then... why are you dancing with me?” She asked. Even though she was confused, Rose leaned into him. Hades felt his heart stutter with their lovely face so close to his own. So close, but not yet his.

“Because-” He tried to say, but the words got stuck. “Because, I... well-”

“...Because...?” She repeated softly, carefully, like she already know the answer. Her green eyes met his and again, he knew. They could see right through him. And still, there was affection shining in their gaze, even as he fumbled. 

He took a breath and tried to think of a different way to tell her. The quiet moment between them was only broken by the continuing steady pace of the music. And then, he knew just how to say it.

“I know you wonder why I care, I know the air is thin up there,” He sang, his voice breaking slightly with the effort to keep the words soft and private. Desire to pour as much earnestness as he could muster into the lines had his hands shaking as they left her waist to cradle her chin. 

“Because...” Hades said in a normal tone, not caring if they’d slowed in the middle of the waltzing, whirling crowd. Swaying back and forth, he let their heads fall closer together until their lips were only inches apart. He continued to sing, 

“I’m a fool in love and I can’t help myself... I can’t get enough of your love...” He finally whispered the words. A little gasp left her lips, shocked breath stolen from her and all he wanted to do was press his mouth to hers, make her as breathless as possible. 

But the tempo picked up and he followed the steps into a lift. Raised above him, Rose laughed with surprise and delight, the sound as bright and giddy as Hades’ heart felt. Thousands of flickering lights gleamed through their curls, giving his angel a halo all their own. Hades was sure the adoring smile they gave him was mirrored on his own face.

What was he scared of? Rose was nothing like his brothers and sisters. She was nothing like Maleficent. Rose was like his other side, alike and opposite at the same time. 

It was in the way she held onto him as she tilted her head back to bask in the glow that surrounded her. Their smooth skin felt precious in his hands, more priceless than all the miles of silk in the room. It was how her eyes wouldn’t leave his, drawing him into their depths as they danced on.

As she dropped back into his embrace, their feet already moving into the next steps, she leaned in to whisper, “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I was so sure I was making a fool of myself with how obvious I was.”

“Out of the two of us, it’s definitely not you who’s foolish,” He huffed a laugh, self-deprecatingly. Rose’s brows drew together, consternation in the lines, and they raised their own hand to cup his cheek. 

“Don’t think that,” Hades winced, already regretting opening his big mouth. But Rose only stroked his jaw with gentle fingers. “Life wasn’t going to make it easy for us. But that just tells me how worth it this is, how much you are worth to me.” 

“Even with all my shit?” He had to ask. “Despite all the baggage I’m dragging with me?”

Rose gave him a soft, fond look. “What do you mean, despite? There’s no despite for me.” Lifting herself on her toes, she pressed a tender kiss to his cheek. “It’s because, darling, not despite. I love you because of everything you are.”

[sheepie-self-ships]

You know how couples will have “their song”,,,,,,,,,, guagh you need to make a playlist of songs of your selfship… like not a normal selfship playlist, these are YOUR SONGS… your anthems… your ship theme songs…

Rb and put in the tags YOUR selfship’s SONGS.

[queenpupperz]

Eight year old me wanted Evie to be my mom. Lil me now still wants her to be my mom :3

[daz4i]

nikodan au where we run a conspiracy theory youtube channel together. real to me

[g8dess]

"It would be the highest honor, if you'd let me be the reason you fall from grace."

[selfshipping-haven]

Guys I'm starting to sense a pattern with my f/os

[descendantofthesparrow]

A moment in the shadows - POYW doodle

[dagdasoneandonly]

Me and my friends watching the self ship community eat itself:

[hadesgoddess]

Am I wrong?

(pro ship DNI)

[gritsandbrits]

Also available for digital NO PAYWALL GUARANTEE!!

[one-winged-dreams]

SOFT!!!

[prismatica-the-strange]

Yo! Fellow descendants selfshipper! Always good to find a fellow fan hehe

@letsgofoletsgo

Hi Hi Hi! Right?

I adore Janey so much 😭 I wanna wrap her in a blanket and make sure she knows how sweet and beautiful and amazing she is (and was even before Mal's magic)

She's too sweet for this world

[maskthesimp]

Adding these two to my F/O List <3 Mal & Evie from Disney's Descendants

@herdragonknights got me hooked blame them (jk I thank you greatly for this you've done me a great service)

[echoes-lighthouse]

Woaaaah look at all these hugs and smooches!!!! 

Catching up on some selfship requests today! All poses are from this post. Here we have: 

@raynards-rambles and his mum Jester 

@pastelsceneselfships23 and Gil 

@ozziecore and Ogata 

@enter-the-phantom and Castiel

@letsgofoletsgo and Jay 

Thank you to everyone who requested, and just let me know if you’d like your request to be in its own stand-alone post! I group them up to avoid spamming people’s dashes ^-^ 

[gremlins-hotel]

From the notes of Capt. Alfred Jones: "Davie was a bus and the 'Flying Fortress' moniker seemed to pass her by, but it was a ship with a brave crew. The trudge of getting back to England from enemy territory is a story for another day. I miss her and sometimes I miss the boys we lost that day."

-✪- -✪- -✪-

B-17F "Dear Davie": *U.S. Army Model B-17F-65-BO Air Corps Serial No. 42-29670 Delivered Cheyenne 31/1/43; Pueblo 18/2/43; Salina 15/2/43; Brookley 19/3/43; Smoky Hill 23/3/43; Dow Field 18/4/43. Assigned to the 333rd Bomb Squadron/94th Bomb Group [TS-L] "DEAR DAVIE" 22/4/43; Missing in Action near Hamburg 25/7/43 with Alfred "Comet" Jones, **Co-Pilot: Daryl "Speed" Reed, Navigator: Richard Reed, Bombardier: Charlie Marstaller; Radio Operator: Johnathan Graves, Flight Engineer/Top Turret Gunner: Clyde "Pepsi" Ray, Ball Turret Gunner: William Ortlieb, Waist Gunner: Leslie Lipsey, Waist Gunner: Paul Rapoport, Tail Gunner: Thomas Pugh (6 Killed in Action); "DEAR DAVIE" lost to flak/anti-aircraft fire, crashing near Uetersen, 15 miles NW of Hamburg, Germany.

-✪- -✪- -✪-

[nerd things & acknowledgements below cut]

Notes on the B-17F... The B-17F was an upgrade of the previous E model, with several notable changes: A one- or two-piece plexiglas nose cone, as opposed to the ten-paneled cone of previous versions. Reinforced landing gear allowed for a greater maximum payload, from 4,200 lb (1,900 kg) of ordnance to 8,000 lb (3,600 kg). Flight and combat range of the F model was improved by 900 mi (1,400 km) with the addition of nine self-sealing rubber fuel cells in the wing root, aka, "Tokyo tanks". The F model was generally characterized by being tail-heavy - which lead to part failure - and woefully undefended from the front; the early F models had no front-facing armament, leaving a 60° blind spot to the direct front of the aircraft - a flaw which was exploited by German pilots, who held air superiority. Later F models would see a list of possible available modifications (factory and field) such as inserting two .50 caliber machine guns into the nose cone to solve the blind spot. Other modifications to later F models were bulged cheek turrets, as opposed to the window-mounted guns of earlier iterations, and the available addition of the iconic "Bendix" chin turret. The chin turret is far more common on the subsequent G "gunship" variant. ("Dear Davie" is an early F model without the nose mount, bulged cheeks, or chin turret.)

*This model production block, serial no., and fate are borrowed from real-life B-17F #42-29670, "Thundermug." "Thundermug" was an aircraft that originally served in the 333rd Bomb Squadron/94th Bomb Group alongside my great-grandfather and his usual steed, "The Gremlins Hotel." It was transferred to the 544th BS/384th BG, at which point it went Missing in Action over Hamburg from flak/aa-fire; 8 of its crew became POWs while 2 were KIA. I have had the honor to speak to descendants of both of its crews and help them research "Thundermug"; I wish to voice a mere glimpse of their stories in a unique way.

**All names of Alfred's crew are either cobbled-together family names throughout our history here or entirely fictitious - though some were inspired by real people whom I grew up with stories of. All inspirations were individuals that lived good lives post-war.

[beautysamour]

Your beauty never ever scared me

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x reader

Summary: figuring out you were a descendant of the darkling messed up everything. with all the backlash you received because of this, your self esteem takes a blow. the company of a certain prince causes you to realize that you aren’t the monster you began to think you were.

warnings: some angst but this has a happy ending

a/n: the nikolai brain rot is real 😔🫶 enjoy! Also this is set before it’s revealed that mal is the third amplifier.

No. No, Baghra was wrong. You knew who you were and who your family was, she was wrong.

You’ve been going over the pieces of dialogue you had with Baghra ever since the sun set in your bed- well one of the palace’ bed. You couldn’t wrap your head around the idea of being related to him, to sharing his blood, his power.

To having any connection with the darkling.

You were never discovered by the grisha as a kid. Whenever the testers came by, your parents would give you a small cut somewhere on your body that could easily be hidden and at the time you didn’t think much of it- because you could barely remember them doing that.

You never had a good relationship with your parents so you didn’t think anything of it when they’d hurt you. It was just normal.

You never necessarily feared grisha, but you always feared the Fold and by extension, the power of the darkling. To think that all it would take for the Fold to get worse was to piss him off.

And piss him off you did.

During his little demonstration with Alina in the Fold, he tried to get you to join him thinking that you knew. That interaction finally made sense to you.

Feeling your head start to hurt and feeling even worse after realizing what’s in your blood, you turn off the lights in your room and go to bed.

—

“I hope I’m not ruining your day too much, sweetheart.”

Nikolai woke you up early this morning and asked for you to accompany him on a horse ride, “just for fun.” he said.

You knew better though, Nikolai never batted an eye at you since you boarded his- sturmhond-, ship. Alina was always more interesting. You knew that you were respected once you got the palace though, Tolya continuously singed out praises of your name to the army.

You knew that people in the palace had no problem with your presence, until now. Until people learned that you were grisha. Not everyone knows you’re related to the Darkling however, only a few people know.

Including Nikolai.

So you knew better. You knew that the only reason why you were with him right now is because he was told to keep an eye on you, to supervise you. You were now considered to be scum, as you were grisha.

“Wasn’t planning on doing much today, so I’m fine.”

You heard a soft snicker come from Nikolai’ direction but chose to keep your eyes forward and focused on the path in front of you two.

“Right,” he says with a slight grin on his face, “I’m glad, I’d never want to ruin a pretty girls’ mood.” From your peripheral you could see Nikolai observing you, looking for a reaction. He’s use to the normal flush of the cheeks and a stutter through a sentence, but you had no reaction to hearing him call you pretty. He had a rather flirty personality so his words meant nothing to you.

You remained silent hoping he would drop the conversation. You didn’t have anything against Nikolai, you actually really liked him. You could tell that he was going to be the king that Ravka needs.

But there was too much on your mind for you to be able to have small talk.

Nikolai suddenly let out a distressed sigh, “I have a meeting to get to sweetheart, if Vasily wasn’t getting on my back every hour of the day I would’ve stayed all day out here with you,” he pulls the reigns on his horse and turns towards the palaces’ direction, “let’s go back?” He gives you a small guilty smile and tilts his head resembling a puppy begging for a treat.

You nod feeing glad that you’ll be able to fully indulge in your thoughts and pull the reigns on your horse, riding back to the palace.

—

“She’s a monster!”

Nikolai was tempted to raise his voice, he and Vasily have been at it for the past hour. Yesterday, news got out that you were grisha- the soldiers gossip- and Vasily immediately told Nikolai that he should make you leave. Nikolai fought back against that idea and to get Vasily to shut up for at least a day about you, he agreed to “spy” on you.

“Nothing has changed, she’s still the same person Tolya constantly praised, and that you wanted as your bride.”

Nikolai did not want to have this conversation again. You were still the same girl he met on the ship, the two of you may have not interacted as much but he still saw you.

You were nothing like the Darkling and he had no problem reminding his brother of how infatuated he was with you.

“That was before I realized she was his kin, a monster just like him!” Nikolai clenched his jaw, finding it harder to control his raising temper. Vasily paced around his room, repeatedly mumbling out curses in the remembrance of previously touching you.

He was disgusted and he, like many other people in the palace, wanted you gone. He stopped pacing when Nikolai straightened his back before getting up from his chair and walking to the door of the room, indicating that this little meeting was over. “Nikolai,” Vasily called out in a strained voice, “Think about the people.”

Nikolai felt his body freeze. Think about the people. Oh, he was thinking about the people. You were no threat, maybe to your enemies but not his people. Not wanting to lash out at his brother, Nikolai took a sharp breath and rolled his shoulders back. “Good night, brother,” he decides to say. He faces his body towards him and while still trying to keep his composure, he sends his brother a sharp glare with eyes filled with pure irritation, “I will not change my mind.”

—

You pressed your head further into your pillow trying to block out the obnoxious knocks that were coming from your door. Who could possibly already be in need of your presence?

After a few more seconds of the continuous knocks getting more aggressive and louder, you gave in to the persistent demands for you to open the door and got up.

“It’s really quite early,” you said through loose lips. You abruptly finished your sentence, a slight feeling of panic rushing into your body. Nikolai Lantsov. He was here again, the people must be getting more weary of you if he felt the need to visit you again.

You didn’t bother fixing up your hair or straightening out your evening wear before opening the door and you greatly regretted not doing so at the moment, you dropped your shoulders feeling embarrassed that he saw you in an unprofessional state.

He put on a slight smile in attempt to charm you, which he succeeded at, you internally pushed away that feeling of giddiness and straightened your posture waiting for him to speak.

“Yes it is quite early, that’s why I came here,” his eyes trail down your body and back up to your eyes before outstretching an arm, “breakfast?”

“Uh,” you stutter out, “sure, just let me…clean myself up.” You awkwardly moved your gaze from him trying to avoid how awkward this situation was as you closed your door- his was mid sentence in saying of course he’ll wait- but your door closed before he was able to finish.

You sat down in the chair that was in front of a middle sized mirror just above the table. You stared at your reflection for a few seconds before bringing your hands up to cover your face and curling your body into yourself. You much prefer not having the Prince’ attention.

—

It’s been a little over three months since Nikolai invited you for breakfast and you’ve begun to question his actual intentions.

He comes to your room each morning and invites you for breakfast and shares most of his hours with you, but all of these hangouts tend to follow your own terms.

If you wanted to go back to your room, Nikolai would simply walk you to your room, kiss the back of your hand, and continue his day without you. Usually you’d be the one to reach out to him during these days if you decided you wanted to be outside your room again.

You almost forgot that he had a duty as being a prince and that you were related to their current number one enemy. And you almost forgot that people still feared grisha. Almost.

People talk and rumors spread fast, you and Nikolai weren’t invisible whenever you two walked around the palace grounds. Inevitably people began to gossip.

Nikolai was always with you, he spoke of finding a bride openly around you which has caused some people to theorize about your relationship with him. The most common theory was that you were using him, that you used your grisha powers as a threat against him, that you would hurt the people if he did not enter a romantic relationship with you.

You tried to block them out. Nikolai never brought those rumors up so you assumed he just never heard them, well you weren’t going to be the one to tell him about it. What if he hears them then realizes that they might be right, that he was an idiot for ever letting his guard down around you.

As much as you tried to ignore it, you couldn’t deny the way your heart would race every morning, every time he knocked on your door and offered his arm. Every time he’d invite you into his personal quarters and give you that stupid smile paired with a tilt of his head that made you want to do anything he’d ask of you.

He made you feel like you weren’t a monster, that you weren’t a threat. You didn’t want to loose his trust, and you didn’t want to loose him. The amount of trust he has put in you threw you in for a loop, you’ve been constantly arguing with yourself over whether or not he’s being genuine or is still keeping an eye on you.

You couldn’t fault him if he was just doing this to keep an eye on you still, the Darkling has been visiting you, just like he was been with Alina.

“Sweetheart?”

You immediately tore your eyes away from the food in front of you after hearing his voice. In front of you; Nikolai was leaning slightly forward his eyebrows furrowed giving his face a worried expression.

“Yes?” You replied. You don’t know how long it’s been since you zoned out, but when you pick up your silver ware to put some of the food in your mouth it was cold.

Nikolai let out a breath that you didn’t realize he was holding, “Did you hear what I said?”

Shit.

You opened your mouth to say a lie, yes, but you knew that he’d immediately call your bluff. He was observant, too observant sometimes. He had a talent for reading people.

“No,” you decided to say, “sorry, I zoned out.”

He leaned back in his chair and relaxed his eyebrows, sighing while running a hand through his hair. “I’ve been telling you about my day and you zone out? Do I really not matter to you?” He whines.

Nikolai had a thing for theatrics, especially when it was to tease someone. Seeing that you had no regret in your gaze towards him, he lets out another breath and gives in to the smile he was holding back.

“That’s alright, this means that I can spend more time with you.” His wholesome smile now turning into a flirtatious grin, he puts his forearms on the table and leans closer to your face, “I do quite enjoy your company anyways.” His smile slightly drops as his eyes also fall to your lips then back to your eyes.

Lately you two have been having more moments like this, where the two of you fall into moments like these where Nikolai’ flirting feels more genuine.

The one thing that hasn’t changed throughout these few months of you two hanging out was that you knew better. Flirting was a regular thing for Nikolai, and because of that you let out a laugh causing Nikolai to lean back; seeming to now be avoiding your gaze.

“Nikolai, don’t tell me you’ve fallen for me? The big bad grisha,” you tease. You felt a little disappointed at seeing that he was avoiding your gaze, Nikolai wasn’t the type to back away from flirting. You lean forward on the table, “Saints Nikolai, if you’re going to flirt then at least commit to it.”

Taking your teasing tone as a dare, he returned his gaze to you and leaned forward on the table coming dangerously close to your face. This time you were taken aback, and ever the observer, he saw. He accompanied his smug expression with a smirk, “Is that what you want? For me to commit? To you.” His voice turned into a whisper as he finished his sentence.

He waited for you to do something. He wanted to see how long you’d last, for what exactly, well only Nikolai really knows that.

You counted your heartbeats, and three heartbeats later Nikolai dropped his gaze and turned his head as he let out a snicker, “Just messing around princess,” he straightened his back and got out of his seat, “we leave before sundown.”

You watched as he left the dining area, a little confused at what he meant about leaving before sundown but then you remembered; the mission.

“Shit.”

—

“Nikolai,” you called out to him as you walked into his tent, “why is my tent all the way on the other side of camp?”

This mission really wasn’t that dangerous compared to everything else that was going on but you didn’t want to gamble Nikolai’ life, since he was a prince.

“Good evening to you to sweetheart,” he said in a lighthearted tone before putting down the letter in his hand, “can’t keep your mind off of me?”

He was right, you couldn’t.

You let out a scoff slightly annoyed, “What if you get attacked? And I’m all the way on the other side of camp- I wouldn’t be able to help!”

Mirroring his actions earlier in the day, his refused to meet your gaze as he leaned back in his chair. “If I were to get attacked, you’d be safe. I have people with me- fighters who’ll be able to protect me if I somehow am not able to protect myself. You don’t need to worry.”

You exhaled as you felt yourself deflate. You wanted to say more but you knew that it wouldn’t matter once the conversation ended. All you would’ve succeeded at was creating some unnecessary tension between the two of you, with you being annoyed, which Nikolai thought was already out of character with you getting upset about something so small, and Nikolai being busy.

You glanced back at him before turning around to leave his tent, resembling a toddler who got upset after hearing they couldn’t get a toy they wanted.

Hearing your footsteps get further away, Nikolai lifted his head and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion before shaking his head and picking up the letter again.

—

Nikolai lifted his head from his desk as soon as he heard a deafening scream, immediately on high alert and running out of his tent. The first thing that greeted Nikolai were soldiers running. Tents were on fire and the once peaceful camp was now overwhelmed with chaos.

Instead of his first thought being to get his people out of this ambushed camp, which was his second, he wanted to get to you. Now he regretted putting your tent on the other side of camp, now he had no idea where you were or if you were ok.

He started running to your side of the camp before getting blocked by a drüskelle-

“Desjenet!” yelled out the drüskelle. Nikolai began to reach out for his sword but made no action to take it out yet. “I’m not grisha-“

“But you protect them,” seethed out the drüskelle, “you are an enemy if you protect them.”

Not leaving anytime for Nikolai to respond, the drüskelle lunged forward but was never able to make contact with Nikolai. The man began to sway before falling apart. His head, upper body, and lower body all disconnect from each other as he falls to the ground, a dark wisp of smoke fading into the air as he does.

Nikolai didn’t take much time looking at the corpse in front of him when he heard another scream, forcing him to look up and see who was responsible for the death.

You. There you are standing in front of him, seemingly frozen in place and regret immediately floods into your veins. You just killed some using his power. You looked up at Nikolai and suddenly felt the need to throw up. So much to not wanting him to see you as a monster.

Nikolai, remembering that someone screamed, moved his gaze to the soldier a few feet away from you who had seemed to have seen you kill a man using the Darkling’ power. “Monster…” the soldier whimpered out before running away.

Nikolai had the urge to curse out his soldier but swallowed that urge down, the camp was still on fire and the two of you needed to get out. He ran over to you and grabbed you by the arm. “Are you alright,” he asks. You avoid his gaze. When you don’t answer he begins to start running, with his hand still on your arm dragging you through the camp, trying to find a horse.

He felt you stiffen and he felt you resist your urge to pull away from him. He wanted to look back at you, to talk to you face to face and assure himself that you’re alright but he decides against it. You guys will talk once you get back to the little palace.

—

You’ve been in Nikolai’ personal quarters before but you’ve never been on his bed. You’re sure your thoughts would’ve been completely incoherent if you weren’t so caught up about using the cut.

Saints, you were truly a monster.

Nikolai entered the room, he was checking up with his soldiers and making sure everyone or at least most of the people who were at the camp came back here. If there were any that didn’t, a rescue squad was already sent out.

You didn’t bother to look at Nikolai as he sat down on the edge of his bed next to you. You couldn’t look at him, you didn’t even want him to speak. You couldn’t bare to hear him call you a monster-

“Are you alright,” he says instead.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

He chuckles. You thought you’d never hear that again, you never he thought he’d bring you back to the palace.

“I’m alright. Now, are you going to give me an answer?”

You don’t give him an answer for a few seconds. Then suddenly the confusion become to hard to contain, “Why did you bring me back here?”

He turns his head to you and tilts it, now being the confused one, “You’re one of my soldiers, why would I not?”

“Because I’m a monster!” You blurt out. You don’t get why he cared, and now you’re really questioning if he was just spying on you the entire time or not, it seems like he was not.

“I’m not just a grisha Nikolai, I’m related to the enemy, I used to his power to kill someone right in front of you! Now everyone in the palace knows I’m related to him, all the soldiers are weary of me and it makes it even worse that I’m close to you. You’re reputation is getting corrupted because you’ve been seen with me.”

He doesn’t answer, he just keeps his eyes on you and lets you continue.

“The people think I’m- that I’m using my power to manipulate you and seeing how you had no reaction to me using the cut, they might come to some stupid conclusion that you’re actually conspiring with the enemy-“

“Y/N.” He finally interrupts, “Is that what’s been on your mind for these past few months?”

The last time he called you by your name was when he was Sturmhond. Hearing him call you by your name succeeded at making your heart ache even more.

“Yes,” you say, “so I don’t understand why I’m still here.”

You turn your head to meet his eyes and regret it immediately. The amount of intensity in his eyes is enough to make you choke on your saliva.

“Do you want to take a shower?” He asks. You can’t figure out if he’s trying to change the topic or maybe you just smell that bad. Maybe changing the topic is what you needed before you end up having a full on mental break down in front of him.

“Ok,” you whisper. Nikolai gets up and walks to his bathroom, soon you hear the sound of water entering his bathtub. Noticing that you didn’t follow him, Nikolai sticks his head out of his bathroom and gestures you to come into his bathroom.

Even though the atmosphere was rather uncomfortable, you still…liked him. So being invited into such a personal space still managed to make you shy.

Nikolai is leaning against his bathtub when you enter his bathroom. Hearing you enter, Nikolai lifts his head up to look at you then glances at your face, your hair, and your body before getting up to give you some alone time.

Getting a random surge of boldness you grab his hand and keep him in place. He turns his head to look at you and tilts his head in confusion, once again resembling a puppy.

“Can you…stay,” you cringe internally after hearing those words come out and avoid his gaze as you feel your cheeks flush. You hear a cough, as if someone was trying to stifle a laugh.

“Ok.”

You’re thankful that he doesn’t tease you for asking him to stay, the atmosphere is still rather uncomfortable for that.

He keeps his back turned to give you some privacy as you undress. Once you finish undressing, you fold your clothes and tuck them into a corner that you were sure wouldn’t get wet.

You cleared your throat once you fully got into the tub, “You can turn around now.”

From your peripheral, you see Nikolai sit down on a stool that was right next to his bathtub. “Do you need help cleaning yourself?” He asks.

You should’ve shaken your head because you’re fully capable of cleaning yourself, but you couldn’t fight back the giddiness in you that manifested at the thought of a physically intimate moment with Nikolai. So you nod.

Nikolai picks up a small towel and rubs it on a bar of soap before putting it on your body. You hoped he wasn’t able to see your red face as you flushed even more when he started moving the towel.

“You aren’t a monster.” He says instead once again, “You haven’t changed at all,” you turned your head to look at him but he didn’t meet your eyes, his eyes focused on your body as he cleaned it. “You’re still the same girl that boarded Sturmhond’ ship. You’re still caring, and thoughtful. You still overthink and stress too much on what other people think of you, but you’re also confident at the same time. You know your worth and you simply want to make sure other people do to.” He moves you hair out of the way as he moves the towel to the back of your neck.

“Actually maybe you aren’t the same girl I met. But you’re not to blame for that.” You didn’t think it was possible but your heartbeat began to thump even harder at feeling his hand, even though it was separated by a towel, on your neck. Oh, and also by his words. You didn’t think he noticed you that much when he was Sturmhond.

Suddenly he looked up and you looked away.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuc-

“You aren’t the Darkling. You saved me. Well I mean, drüskelle are strong, I admit, but they wouldn’t have been able to kill me.”

You could hear the grin on his face, it was attempt to lighten the mood, to see if you felt better.

“You’re power doesn’t determine what you are, Y/N, how you use it determines that. And as far as I’m concerned, you haven’t used it unjustly.” He curled his index finger under your chin and put his thumb on your chin to turn your head, so you’d finally be looking at him. “Don’t let your fear of your power determine your worth.”

Your breath hitched in your throat as you got lost in his eyes. Yes, you were listening to him and it made your heart ache in a good way at hearing his words, but feeling his touch made it difficult to concentrate.

“Ok,” you whispered. You looked down, fully processing his words. You weren’t a monster. You weren’t a monster.

You weren’t a monster.

Noticing the sides of your lips slowly lift, Nikolai felt a small smile form on his face and lets go of your face. He failed to see how the sides of your lips slightly went down.

Feeling that the atmosphere felt more light, you attempted to make a joke, “Well, are you just going to sit there?”

“Hm?” Nikolai raises an eyebrow at your question. Did you want him out…?

“You’re not going to join me?”

Without missing a beat, Nikolai speaks up, “Do you want me to?” It wasn’t meant to be teasing, but it easily came off as such.

Fully expecting Nikolai to say something a little more…bold, his nonchalant yet teasing question caused you to look away from him, again, feeling embarrassed at your bold “joke.”

Nikolai lets out a laugh that makes you swoon. Saints, the affect this man had on you was embarrassing.

“Saints Y/N, if you’re going to flirt then at least commit to it.” He says, mirroring your previous conversation.

You turn your head back at him and take a moment to figure out what you want to say in return, you decide to say something you’ve heard before. Leaning slightly towards him but still managing to cover your cleavage, you say, “Is that what you want? For me to commit? To you.”

Nikolai freezes completely, not sure how to react to that. Yes, he wants you to commit, he wants you, but do you want him? He’s sure that he’s been interpreting your feelings as romantic correct, but he still had that thought of just maybe, maybe he was wrong.

Nikolai was never one to back off from a challenge however, so he leans forward and rests his forearms of his knees; leaning in closer to your face, “Yes,” he says, “I do.”

He brings one his hands up to the side of your face and cups it, leaning in closer but leaving enough room to still be able to back away if he was reading this all wrong. He looks into your eyes and practically pleads for your approval, for you to let him kiss you.

When all you do is lean closer, Nikolai fully closes the distance and connects his lips with yours.

As one could expect from a kiss with Nikolai, it was passionate and loving and deep. You could feel how deep his feelings for you ran and you could feel all of his feelings. Growing impatient, for some reason, Nikolai grabbed the back of you neck to deepen the kiss. He brought his other hand up to your bottom lip and brushed it down. Realizing what he wanted, you opened your mouth and to your surprise; Nikolai whined into the kiss.

Finding it funny that Nikolai was a whiner, you began to laugh. It started with small giggles but then turned into actual laughs causing Nikolai to pull away and slightly deadpan at you.

When you didn’t stop laughing, Nikolai leaned back and let out a sigh, opting to just let you finish laughing.

“Sorry, sorry, just didn’t take you as a whiner,” you say before you burst out laughing again.

Nikolai continued to watch you laugh with a slightly annoyed, but adoring, expression before brushing your hair out of your face. “You know, you never answered my question.”

You wipe fake tears out of your eyes as you try to calm down, “huh?”

“When I asked if you wanted me to commit to you, you never gave me an answer.”

“I think my answer is quite obvious now.” You let out a soft laugh before Nikolai spoke again.

“Yes well, I want to hear it.” Nikolai leans forwards again but not as close as before, just close enough to where he could you whisper yell, “I want to hear that you want me.” He finishes with a slight smirk.

You look away from him, getting flustered again. He really wanted to hear you profess your feelings for him, huh.

As you were getting flustered you remembered that Nikolai was a whiner. As much as you wanted Nikolai, he was arguably more desperate for you. So why not tease him a little more?

You leaned forward again, not bothering to cover your cleavage anymore, and pressed your lips onto his, but not necessarily kissing him. “Alright my prince,” you whisper out. The smirk on his lips immediately drop as he tries to kiss you again but then you pull away, and before he could whine again, you leaned forward again. “I want you to commit to me. I want you.” Nikolai could barely focus at feeling your lips brush onto his, feeling as if he didn’t kiss you right here right now, he’d go crazy.

Feeling smug, you pull away from him to which he immediately follows. He puts his hand on the back of your neck once again and pulls you forward, connecting your lips again.

He groaned this time at the feeling of your lips on his.