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readerwinterbarnes · 7 years

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Motionless - 19/21

Bucky x Reader, OC’s, Avengers

Summary: The team need to attend a press conference and it doesn’t go the way they had planned.

Word Count: 3,975

Warnings: Angst, panic attack, team are very protective of the couple, Bucky is pissed

A/N: Bucky’s POV, This is the last hurdle they have to go through I promise!!! It’ll be complete happiness from here on out! Thank you guys for being so patient with me as I try to get these out. Oh and Christine Everhart - the reporter - is a bitch in this part.

Wanna get caught up? Missed something? Links are below! :D

1 2 3a 3b 4 5 6 7a 7b 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 Part 18

8 months, 2 weeks and 5 days

Y/N and the twins were all fine and healthy. There wasn’t much time left until we welcomed them into the new world. After attending her ultrasound, watching them kick and move around I couldn’t help but be excited to meet both of them. Y/N, on the other hand, wanted to meet them long before that…..way longer than that.

“Fuck you Bucky and your super soldier serum! Who gave you the right to make your swimmers so fucking fast?! I hate you for what you did to my body!” Y/N was currently laying on a couch in the common room, trying to threaten me with her insults. As Natasha tried to calm the twins, who were kicking up a storm for the past twenty-four hours, which in result, prevented her from sleeping at all. I could handle threats, bombs, whatever you threw at me...but I was scared shitless when Y/N gave me a killer look. So I stood off to the side and let Nat do her thing.

“Dude, it looks like you’re about to run for your life.” Clint's hand slapped my back, as he and Steve looked into the room.

“That seems like a really good idea right now,” I said quietly, not wanting to give her any more power than she already had.

“Don’t worry, before you know it she’ll deflate and you’ll be graced with two screaming kids.” As soon as Clint started talking, I knew we were dead men. Even Steve stopped breathing.

“Clint! I swear on Natasha’s best set of knives, I will take all your arrows and shove them up your ass and fire you off the building!” Clint paled and frantically climbed into the nearest vent and fled for his life.

“Bucky, you need to get in here.” The moment turned serious when Nat spoke up. I walked in to see Nat comforting a crying Y/N, I rushed over to take her place.

“I’ll take care of Clint, she just needs you for a bit and then she needs to sleep.” I nodded in thanks before Nat left with Steve. I cradled Y/N’s head against me, holding her close to me as I ran my metal hand along her stomach. Smiling when I felt them kick back in response, before slowly dying down. She let out a huge sigh of relief when they did, completely slumping against my chest.

“Thank god, please just stay like this for a while longer babies. Momma’s excited to see you, but momma also needs sleep.” Y/N talked to them as her hand joined mine, her body relaxing. We laid there quietly and contently, with no rush to go anywhere. We both had therapy sessions earlier this morning, I had a few more tests with Tony and Bruce. We weren’t completely healed yet, at least mentally, from the events that took place in the past, but we were much better now than before.

Fury made sure the team steered clear from any big mission that took place out of the country. One’s out of state were fine, but it would have to be in, out and quick. He didn’t want to have to go through all of this again, having members of the team taken without knowledge and taken who knows where. So only small missions were done.

“You going to be okay doll?” I asked quietly, not wanting to shatter the comforting silence.

“Just tired, excited to meet them, eagerly waiting for them to pop out so I can walk again. Sure it’s nice to be carried, wheeled around and pampered, but…”

“You want your independence back. Do things on your own without having to rely on others.” I answered for her, knowing full well what that feeling was like. Her sigh agreed with me.

“Yeah, I love all you guys, but I want to be able to do things on my own again. To run, walk, swim, oh fuck how I really want to swim again. Things that just don’t involve a wheelchair.” I kiss her temple, thumb running small circles on her stomach.

“You will don’t worry. Once these little guys come out, then Tony and Helen will be able to put the device back into place and you’ll be able to walk again. Just a few more weeks doll.” Y/N leaned further against me, humming happily.

“Yeah, can’t believe we’ll be a family soon.” I smiled down at Y/N, her eyes slipped closed as sleep finally took over. Her body heavy with sleep, which was understandable considering she’s been up for a little over twenty-four hours.

A small noise caught my attention, I looked up to see Steve leaning up against the wall watching the two of us, a small smile on his face.

“She okay?” He whispered, not wanting to wake her up.

“Yeah, yeah, I think she’ll be okay. I know we’ll be okay.” We shared a smile before Steve left and I joined Y/N in a well-deserved nap.

“So, I got news and you might not like it.” The group looked up to see Tony standing in the doorway, fidgeting, but still composed.

“What news, Tony?” Asked Steve, who was already on alert, not too excited about what the news might be.

“Fury needs us to attend a press conference, all of us, to talk about what’s happened over the past year. And no,” Tony held up his hand, preventing from anyone to interrupt him, “we have no choice. Reporters have been breathing down Fury’s and my necks and sooner or later, they’ll become more demanding.”

The group looked around at each other with worried looks, slowly they each looked at Y/N who was sitting beside Bucky. I watched as she processed the information. I knew we’d be asked the most questions, what the questions would be, I had a slight inclination, but wasn’t completely sure. Either way, I knew it wasn’t going to be good and that they were going to be very personal and they were going to try everything they could to get the information they wanted. I honestly don’t think we’re ready to do this, but three days have passed already and it’s getting closer to her due date. This press conference could be a huge stressor for her and could cause her to go into early labor, something I didn’t want to risk.

“When do we have to do it?” Y/N spoke up, breaking off the silence. Everyone focused on her, slightly surprised that she was interested in going through with this.

“Do you think that’s a good idea, Y/N. Your due date is very close, that environment could be harmful to both you and the twins.” She turned towards Steve who looked concerned.

“I know the risks, but honestly, the longer we wait to do this the worse it actually is going to be. Sooner or later we’re not going to be able to head out of the tower without being bombarded with reporters and cameras.” Out of instinct, I saw her hands covered her stomach protectively. I squeezed her knee in comfort.

“She’s right Steve, they’re already an issue as it is.” Natasha agreed, Clint nodding in agreement.

“Alright, we’ll do it. But we need to make sure security is tight. I don’t want anything to happen to Bucky or Y/N. We just got them back, so their safety is our top priority. If any of you feel something off, the conference is over.” Steve said sternly, everyone nodded in understanding. I noticed Tony get off his phone, slipping it into his back pocket.

“Pepper’s setting it up. The earliest we can do it is tomorrow, she knows about the security, so does FRIDAY. I’ll also have some suits on standby if need be. But Pepper did ask us not to carry weapons, she thinks it would be best that we didn’t so it would be more convincing that there isn’t an issue. And that wouldn’t spark any more questions.” Tony raised his hand, stopping Steve when he opened his mouth to protest.

“However, she never mentioned concealed weapons weren’t allowed. Knowing Romanoff and Barton, there’ll definitely be knives hidden somewhere. So, if you can successfully hide a weapon on your person, I’m all for it. But under no circumstances are we supposed to use weapons unless we absolutely have to. The PR on that will be a whole completely different mess.” Tony stood by the doorway with arms crossed, waiting to see if anyone was against this whole idea. Sure, we were hesitant to actually go through with it, but I knew we had to. I’m not a fan of crowds and I’d rather not have to walk right into one when I go outside.

“Let’s do it, I’d rather not have Y/N have to go through this, but it’ll be better if we just get this over with so we can move past all this.” Y/N grabbed my hand that rested on her knee, squeezing it tightly in agreement. I looked at everyone separately, so we were all on the same page, when we were Tony informed Pepper, Fury and a few others that we were all in agreement with the conference tomorrow.

I just wish it was tomorrow so we could get it over with.

------------------------

Last night was rough, Y/N tried her best to sleep but she was restless, obviously worried for today. Everyone else was the same, on edge and hyper aware of their surroundings. I dressed in black jeans, white shirt, and blue jacket. I helped Y/N into a nice royal blue summer dress with white flowers, though it did take us five dress changes to find one she actually liked. Not that I minded, she looked great in all of them, probably a little too good.

We were all situated in the tinted window, armored SUV’s. Steve, Sam, Natasha, Y/N and I in one. Bruce, Clint, Vision, and Wanda in the other. Tony was already there with Pepper, Happy, and Rhodey wanting to make sure everything was ready for when we got there. Sam looked back in the rearview mirror as Y/N started talking under her breath.

“Okay, spawn of the man I’m so deeply in love with, please behave today. Momma’s gotta do something important with daddy and our friends. So please no kicking, especially on my bladder and for the love of sparkles, don’t come early.” Sam looked towards me with a raised eyebrow, silently asking me if this was a good idea. I gave him a short nod, letting him know she’s okay, but that this was still something to stay alerted on.

Y/N groaned out in frustration as the twins began to kick. Eyes towards the roof of the car, she tried to hold herself together, but the tears forming in her eyes told me differently. Both Steve and Natasha looked at me in confusion when I unbuckled my seatbelt and practically crouched on the floor of the moving vehicle in front of Y/N. I placed my hands on both sides of her stomach, running soothing circles in attempts to calm them. I trail kisses over the spots where I noticed them kicking.

“Hey now, moi angely (my angels), it’s papa,” I smile against the spot where one kicked, I place my black metal hand beside it feeling their heartbeat, “yeah, yeah it’s papa. But now you have to listen to momma, Ty delayesh' yeye grustnoy (you’re making her sad).” Their heartbeats began to grow steady and calm as they both calmed down. “I love you both moi angely.”

I looked up to see a watery eyed Y/N staring down at me with a smile. “And I love your momma.” I leaned up and pulled her in for a soft kiss before backing away to wipe away her tears.

“I love you too you big oaf, now get back into your seat. I’d prefer if their papa was in his seat belt.” She said sternly, but with an obvious twinkle in her eye, as she brushed the hair out of my face.

“Yes momma,” I placed one last kiss on her plump lips and one on her stomach before I sat back in my seat and buckled.

“Not gonna lie, that was pretty cute, but I feel like I need to go to the dentist. I think I just got cavities.” Sam teased from the driver's seat.

“Shut up Birdbrain, focus on the road.”

---------------------

Pepper and Tony were standing at the podium answering most of the questions, Happy and Rhodey stood off to the side, the rest of us were standing off to the sides. I was standing very close to Y/N who was sitting in the wheelchair we brought with us, out of habit, her hands were situated over her stomach. Trying to at least protect them somewhat, but also hoping that they did, in fact, listen to me in the car.

“You in the pinstriped suit.” Tony pointed to a lady in the back.

“Is it true that the Winter Soldier volunteered to turn himself in, in order to become more enhanced? Does he have a hidden agenda?”

“First of all, his name is James Barnes and yes, he turned himself in, in order to save Agent Y/L/N. And no, he does not have a hidden agenda.” Tony answered her question professionally.

“What about his enhancement? Sources say he no longer has the vibranium arm, but a more upgraded one.” A man a few seats away from the lady stood up. Tony glanced at me from the corner of his eye, I gave him a small nod.

“Yes, he did get an upgrade on his arm. One that is wicked cool if I might add.” Purposefully avoiding the first part of the question, which I was grateful for. The arm was enough to deal with as it was, the revamped super serum was a story I didn’t want to talk about.

“Mr. Stark?” Every one of us could see Tony’s back stiffen and Pepper glare daggers at the female reporter.

“Ah Everhart, I was wondering when you were going to speak up.”

“Only for you, Mr. Stark.” Pepper looked as if she wanted to strangle the woman, Happy and Rhodey seemed as if they wanted to join. “You seem to be avoiding the question we’ve been asking.”

“And what would that be, Everhart?” Tony said stiffly.

“We all know about the arm, but a man, super soldier or not would have died from that operation. So tell us, with this new serum doesn’t that make him more of a threat to you and the rest of the team? Especially to Agent Y/L/N and her twins, surely their lives are in the most danger.”

“Is it true that Agent Y/N was forced to have sex with Albern Schmidt?” A male reporter stood up. Followed by others asking several other questions, Everhart smiled at the scene. She was getting what she wanted, a reaction from the reporters, but also from the rest of us as we were all on edge.

“Are the twins late Albern’s?”

“Is it true the Winter Soldier was going to be the trainer for future Hydra Soldiers?”

“How does it feel to become the parents of future Hydra killers?” We noticed Y/N flinched at the question, but it got even worse as the questions kept coming. Aiming for just the two of us.

“Are the twins going to be locked away because of their parent's violent history?”

“Are you sure it’s a smart choice for the Winter Soldier to be close to the twins? Surely he’d kill them due to his dark record.”

“Is it true that Agent Y/N was going to be the ‘Baby Maker’ to the next generation of Hydra Super Soldiers and the Winter Soldier would go back to being the attack dog on a leash?”

I had enough of this, I don’t care if they attacked me with their words, but they attacked Y/N and my kids. Sending her into hysterics, she was hiding it well, but she was on the verge of cracking. They wanted answers? I’ll give them answers, my public appearance be damned.

“Enough!” I roared above the crowd, the team jumped slightly from my outburst, the reporters all drew quiet as I made my way up to the podium. Tony and Pepper moving aside, knowing very well not to get in my way. Tony smirking faintly, excited to see how this was going to go.

“You want answers? I’ll give you fucking answers you pieces of shit,” a dead silence crowded the room, though Everhart still seemed to be smiling. I was going to enjoy every second of this.

“Yeah, I got pumped with a new serum, got upgraded with a highly advanced arm. One that can snap your necks like a twig, slowly choke you death as I feel the life leave your body. Yes, I turned myself into that sick son of a bitch. Yes, he wanted to make a new generation of super soldiers, starting with. My. Kids.

Talk crap about me all ya want, but you just attacked my fiance and my kids, that was your first mistake. Your second mistake was you making up assumptions about our history and what we went through. Y/N was cut apart, tortured, and held against her will for months. I know you all had your hands on what Hydra did to me. Imagine being ripped apart so slowly that it feels like a fire burning your flesh, with electricity shooting throughout your body as knives are repeatedly inserted through every inch of skin. None of you would’ve survived what we’ve been through, what Y/N went through. Who was two months pregnant throughout the whole thing. So take your questions and shove them up your asses.” I turned away but noticed that Everhart was still smirking vaguely. Time to end this shit.

“Oh and Everhart,” the whole crowd looked at her, Tony glanced towards me quizzically, “Wanna know what my permanent programming was? No? Well, I’ll tell ya anyways.” I lean into the podium, both hands very visibly gripping the top, tight enough for the marble to start cracking.

“Zola, along with Albern made sure my programming would protect the thing they valued the most. With Albern, that was with Y/N and the twins. My soul purpose was to make sure their lives weren’t threatened so he could finish his work. I had a long, long talk with Tony Stark about this and,” I laughed lowly in my throat, staring at Everhart with dark eyes that even some of the reporters sat frozen with fear, “I decided not to have that part of the programming removed.”

“Threaten Y/N and my kids again, there won’t be a single place on Earth where I won’t find you and make sure that you’re the headliner on the front morning paper.” The marble podium cracked loudly as a piece of it was ripped off with my left hand, parts of it crumbling into dust as my hand squeezed. Now it was my turn to smirk at her as her face paled with absolute fear. “Just because I no longer have the Hydra program, doesn’t mean that I’m no longer the Winter Soldier. I’m the deadliest assassin out there, Everhart, be careful who you snark at next time. This conference is over.” I stand up straight and head off the stage, Natasha wheeling Y/N beside me. Steve standing to my left, the others following behind us. Pepper, Happy, and Rhodey stayed behind to take care of the crowd, who some I was pretty sure they were pissing their pants. When we were lead to our cars, Clint and Sam were laughing their heads off.

“Oh man, did you see the look on her face? That was the best thing I’ve seen all day!” Clint was bending over at the waist as he laughed, Sam laughing along with him, the others smirking with glee. Me, on the other hand, was fighting an inner battle as the last few minutes replayed in my mind. I just threatened a huge group of people, one person in particular, that I’d kill them. I couldn’t breathe, my head was a mess and now with the serum, I had too much pent up energy with no outlet.

“Bucky?” Steve asked me, now alert of my state. The laughter died down as everyone, including Y/N watched me with concern. “Bucky, are you okay?”

“Don’t touch me, Steve,” I shoved his hand away, not because I was being a jerk, but because if he touched me again it would take me less than a second to snap his arm in half. I really needed to hit something and I needed to do it now.

“Hey man, not cool, no need to lash out.” Sam stood by Steve’s side.

“Nat, bring me closer.”

“Y/N, that doesn’t…”

“Shut the fuck up, Steve. Nat please.” I was breathing heavily, right arm wrapped tightly against my stomach as my left hand tried to claw at my chest, to bring some air in, anything to make the burning pain go away. I noticed Nat bring Y/N closer just enough so I could smell her shampoo.

“Bucky, what do you need? What do you need right now?” She spoke softly to me, not pushing me to answer right away. Shortly after we had a talk about what happened, I told her about this, what the new serum was doing to my body. How the serum began to be too much if I became too overworked.

“I...I need, I need to hit something, break something, anything. I-I can feel it.” Y/N looked at me worriedly, then to Steve and Tony.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Y/N began to curse under her breath, pushing the panic button on the bracelet on her wrist. “Give me your jacket honey, it’ll help a bit at least.” I frantically take off my jacket, welcoming the slight breeze hit my hot skin. It helped, but not much.

“Y/N, what the hell is happening?” She folded my jacket, placing it on her lap as she stared at Steve and the others.

“It’s the serum Albern pumped him up with. He’s still adjusting to it and in the meantime, there are side effects, just like this. It’s supposed to make him cause more damage like he’s feeding off anger?” I nod in confirmation as my knees buckle and I fall to the ground, metal hand digging into the concrete parking spot.

“So right now he’s fighting it, it’s making him overworked, raising his body temperature twice the amount he already had. The only way for him to come back down is if he exerts himself immensely.” A sound like a rocket came shooting by, followed by heavy boots landing on concrete. We turn to see the armored suit Tony made for Y/N’s protection whenever she pressed the panic button on her bracelet come forth.

“James, I need you to listen to me okay? Let FRIDAY take you back to the tower, it’s the fastest way.” Shakily, I nod my head, letting the strong metal arms pick me up and quickly fly me back to the tower. I was so focused on trying not to turn the suit into a smashed tin can, that I hardly even noticed that we were already back and FRIDAY was herding me to the Hulk room. I stumbled into the room and as soon as I heard the door click as it locked, I let everything out.

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eternalfists · 4 years

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My life is crazeh

I reject this child known as Scotty Wilson Jr. because of him, everyone had me labeled a child molester. I was never in a relationship with this kid. I never promised him forever. him and Audrian forced the issue that I end up with him or scotty. Because it was 'my fault' they were obsessed with me.

No, not at all. I was set up by the government and their parents to protect them as children. I never wanted to protect Scotty, because I knew he was crazy like his father, if not worse at ten years old. He even called a six year old girl a whore when he was like 14, because she was mixed. =/

I was sitting at the table one day, when I looked up and he was standing there, expecting me to give him … fellacio and I walked away and pretended he didn't exist anymore. HE WAS 14. His mother was a nut who thought I was after Scott Sr. Why? Because for some reason, Scott Jr. had her convinced I wanted her husband and his dick. Yeah, I didn't, I never really wanted any of those men like that.

Her youngest even claimed I molested him, Donald Jr, so I could be put in the hospital and forced into Scott Jr. and Scott Sr. care after I received money from somewhere. He became obsessed because he read all my secret blogs, like an idiot. =/ My mom was forced to give up care of me, because they kept saying she was unfit and I needed "ULTIMATE HELP." AKA Valinda had thisj planned for a long time, I was mobile and walking around until she decided ton become a rest home worker, so she could take care of me at her house and take my checks like she did her father.

HELP ME. PLEASE. Please? My family keeps abusing me and hurting me. Do you understand? He keeps saying crazy shit to me in my head all night long. Scotty Wilson Jr. acting like my cousins Cole, Dylan and even Paul Eakle. This little boy is obsessed with me. He's abusive and I am not attracted to him. Please help. let me go home to my mom and stop believing everything Valinda Eakle says? She sounds nuts. I am not schizophrenic or crazy. This woman made me sit incase her father died, so she could have extra money after he passed on, and could treat someone else like shit.

Everyone made me sit after I started losing weight, Heather convinced Valinda to go up to my house or have Eric Henson go up there and end up putting me in the mental hospital so I looked unfit over 18 times about in 3 years. This is not a joke. I need help. People act like this is normal, that I end up in the hospital several times over when in reality it was abuse of power.

I don't want to help people anymore after this. I'm done helping. I don't think my Dad disapproves of the notion. I think he understands.

anyway, I'm okay. I should be going home to my mom. Please help. If I don't post from my old bedroom by the 11th, I don't trust this fuckingn family or my mother. She brainwashed my mom into thinking she needed help, that she couldn't get up in the mornings with me and have coffee and conversation and she would sit in the back of the house and make me sit mentally, and in turn it would work physically. I'd be scared, wondering when she'd go away but she found out I was getting a lot more a month and the government can't give it to me until she fucking kicks the bucket or gets the point that I am not her slave.

Her own father wasn't even allowed to have food or hygiene he liked, unless she approved. Fuck that shit, keep that woman away. If she treated Daddy like shit and lied on him about being a child molester, she'll do it to me too. She treated him like shit while he died too. She acted like since he was passing on, it was his fault her extra money was going. She's a pill popping drug addict. Who can't get through the day without blowing out a sinus.

Please, don't do this to me. I feel like I'm burning bridges left and right, but I have no fucking choice right now so I don't end up in a loveless, sad, life where I'm yelled at all the time just for being myself and wanting a pair of headphones or a video game. Do you understand?

She sits in the parking lot of this facility during the week of the first and makes me spend all my money like it burns a hole in my pocket. I used to be responsible until she put her crazy ass plans into action. I promise. She's a powerful mentalist and she's never been part of the military and neither has her husband. She learned from Sheffield Harrison, who put this idea in her head a long time ago so men could come and share me no matter how big I was.

=/...I was going to be a moneyless whore. Do you understand? I still might be unless someone helps. She may have took my money that came from somewhere, that is all. She came up and took over our house and made us out to be trash and child molesters. This is why I hate Steubenville, people like her use their power and influence wrongly. It makes me angry.

The blonde who is overweight and really doesn't do much of anything due to laziness, which is self-imposed, but not forced like mine. She is Valinda's bestfriend. She's here making me shit and piss myself, because Valinda spent like 5 million between a group of women and told them go hurt me and pretend it's over our cousin Cole Sprouse.

She also lies and says I don't like fruit. Or like to exercise or anything. Guess what?. I LOVE ALL THOSE THINGS. Including cleaning, and cooking and eating healthy. =/

She paid Cole Sprouse 5 million... to keep me in check too. I'm angry, because I fell in love with him during this process and he abused his power to hurt me when I'm actually a good girl who did nothing wrong. I actually cared about him deeply growing up and protected him at all costs, I was already in love with him back when I was 23 and he was 18 or whatever legal age he was. I am not stupid enough to fall in love with someone so young. I loved him deeply. I'm angry and now I don't feel the same.

I had over 200 Million. She may still have custody of me to a point, or pretend she still does and have control over my money. I may never see that money now. I know that's a lot of money, and it sounds far-fetched but she stole it from me and she's dishing it out to anyone who will make sure I'm fucking kept in check and no one will believe anything I have to say.

I am now considered an unfit child molester who can't handle her own money. the money may have gotten taken away from her, and I'm still spending my SSI because I have no choice. =/ It's hard to explain what's going on. But none of this is a lie. I promise.

I'm a dark skinned Jewish girl who was treated this way, while considered white, I was told I was mixed my whole life and it fucked up my whole world. My mom is an idiot who listened to my grandma about a social experiment, see if blacks or whites treat the mix like garbage. It was actually both. =/

Scotty or someone is here, talking in the Hallway. Trying to put someone in my fucking head, which is Valinda Eakle. They're panicking that I have more to tell.

Scotty Jr has been her lover since he was 15. Do you understand? His own mother. and I'm the child molester? She used to 'make love' to him with her mouth over his sexless privates? Do you understand? Scott found out and freaked out. He tried taking his kids and leaving but Ohio is the mother state. Do you understand? Women think they're gods here and can get away with whatever in Ohio. :D Especially with money involved. Everyone who potentially took my money, have fun, you're documented in this situation as treating me like garbage and stealing from a white woman who hasn't made a mar on her record in her adulthood. *BLESSED, <I>serious.</I>*

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rachelclewis · 6 years

Text

Cohabitation

I started this blog after a breakup – a really bad one – with the idea that I was done with relationships. I decided that I was tired of comparing myself to my ex-husband (married with two kids, while I was still single and lonely). I decided I was done waiting for a guy to come along and stay in my life. I was going to take myself to a sperm bank for my next birthday. I was going to write about this process as it went along, as I made lemonade out of my sour relationship lemons.

I didn’t get far. I went to my doctor and told her my plan. She was discouraging.

“Your eggs are old; they won’t be very high quality anymore.”

I was 37 at the time. I thought I was still in the window. When was I supposed to freeze them? In my twenties? Teens? No one told me! My poor eggs. I knew I had passed the ideal age, but I imagined there was still some green in my inner garden. Suddenly I saw my eggs, not as colorful uncut blooms, but as the dusty and mold spotted roses rotting away on Miss Havisham’s wedding cake in Great Expectations. Intended for a joyful event that never took place.

“Have you thought about adoption?” my doctor asked.

I did. I thought a lot about it. I certainly wasn’t opposed to it. I did contemplate the fact that it is much cheaper to make a baby from scratch than to adopt one. But the real deterant to me was the the fact that I would have to convince a number of people that I would be fit and capable of doing it on my own. The sperm bank doesn’t have that obligation. And I imagine they take credit cards.

The thought did leave me with the question… Could I prove to some strangers that I would be a good single parent? If not, what did that mean? Would I be a good single parent? I’ve got a paycheck, insurance and a spare room. But it’s just me. There’s no fall back plan. If something happens to me, what happens to the baby? Would bringing a child into the world, or even just my life, be a terribly selfish thing to do?

I decided it was. And that was the end of that lemonade stand.

Let me say with full caps for emphasis: I AM NOT SAYING THAT SINGLE MOTHERS ARE SELFISH!!! THAT IS NOT WHAT I REMOTELY THINK OR FEEL!!! I just decided that I didn’t have the resources to do it. I have an amazing family, amazing friends, and I’m living a rich life that a part of me would love to share with a child. The rest of me, however, is afraid. Afraid I don’t have the physical or mental staminal to handle it. Afraid that I would be too anxious or too sad to do it well. And what if I get injured or sick and slide into destitution or a coma…? As it stands, I already lie awake worrying about things like this. If a little person were depending on me and only me? I don’t think I could function.

ONCE MORE! FOR EMPHASIS! THAT IS JUST ME! THE WORLD IS FULL OF AMAZING SINGLE PARENTS WHO KICK ASS ON A DAILY BAISIS AND I HONOR YOUR CHOICES AND YOUR AWESOMENESS!

Also, I heard a story on the radio about a woman whose 35 year old autistic son took a shit in the back of her car, and it terrified me so much I couldn’t blink for forty-five minutes. So, just in case I implied that I am NOT selfish, that’s not what I meant. I am. I’m completely selfish. That may be the real problem.

Anyway, that was three years ago. And I did move on with my life. I sold my condo and bought a house. I got a promotion at work and that was a good thing. I found other ways to connect with the children that were already in my life. I focused on being the best damn aunt that I could be.

I didn’t want a relationship. Frankly, the pain just wasn’t worth the reward. I was never going to throw that much time and energy and love away on anyone ever again. But time passed and – like I always do – I started losing my resolve. Because I got lonely. And I have these coupled friends that I hang out with and they make it seem so… possible. So, I got back out there. I met somebody. And yada yada yada… my boyfriend and his five-year-old son moved in with me in September, just after my 40thbirthday.

So far, it is going really well. I was worried I would feel invaded and have a hard time downsizing enough of my stuff to make space for “the boys” (two human males and one snake that I am told is male; I haven’t verified). There were a few pieces of furniture that I gave to charity that were harder to let go than they should have been. Perhaps because they were things that I bought immediately after the divorce and it were emblematic of my independence? I bought them during the first period in my life when I had the freedom to choose a piece of furniture for myself. First, I had to figure out what my own “taste” was, and I honestly had no idea. I chose a few things, including a red armless chair and a faux leather trunk, that may well have been completely ugly, but they were new. And all mine. It was a scary, fun, and luxurious place to be. Maybe giving those things away felt like closing of a chapter on my life, and that’s the issue? Even though I wanted to close that chapter.

Or maybe I just liked that chair and that trunk and now I don’t have them anymore. I guess I don’t need to get all Freudian about it.

My other concern was for Ethan, the kindergartener. He expressed enthusiasm over moving in from the beginning. He most often expressed excitement about getting to live with Wensley, because apparently moving in meant that the dog “will officially be my big brother!” There was one other time that he told me he was really excited to come and live with me because I have Blu-ray, but mostly it was all about Wensley.

Still, I was concerned. I was worried that once he saw his stuff in his new room in my little 1940’s house, he would realize just how much smaller it is than the one he had in his 2010’s town house. He didn’t have a backyard at the town house, but there was a playground with a slide and swings. And the old living room was more accommodating to wrestling. Similarly, the old couch was more suitable for cannon-balls and similar. I had the idea that I would set up his room with all of his old things but also put up a few new things that he could get excited about to distract him from the habitat shrinkage. So I set about doing one of those HDTV makeovers, but on a much smaller budget.

First I got a Totoro night light. You can choose if you want the stomach or the umbrella to be lit. (When I turn it on for him at night I ask him, “Belly or brawly?”) Then I got a large wall decal showing an X-wing and TIE Fighter battle over the fate of the death star from any one of the Star Wars movies (am I the only one who has noticed that they all seem to end the same way?). His rug is five foot Millennium Falcon and his light switch cover says “Light Side / Dark Side.” Admittedly, that last one was for me. Ethan will appreciate it when he is older, I’m sure. But puns are not the natural purview of five-year olds.

Ethan got a tour of his room and he loved it. Matt even helped make the light switch a success by acting out the difference between “light side” and “dark side” at the speed of Ethan’s switching.

It was a little strange because we were heading up to Idaho that day for a long planned visit to see Matt’s parents, so Ethan got to see his room but not stay in it that night. While we were in Idaho Ethan and I were hanging out in Matt’s childhood room, looking through his old knickknacks. We were blowing dust off sports trophies and holding sea shells up to our ears to listen for the ocean while Matt and his parents talked in the other room. Ethan put down his sea shell and told me again how excited he had been to move in with me.

“Daddy said we were moving and I said, let’s move Friday!”

I laughed. “Yeah, it took a little time to get it all planned. We still have a lot of unpacking to do. But I’m glad you are happy about it! I’m happy too.”

Then he looked me in the eye and said, “You and Dad made a really good choice.” I know it sounds like I’m putting words in his mouth, or like I don’t know how to write children’s dialogue. But he talks like he is 28. He just does.

I was charmed and more than a little bit verklempt. He’s such a sweet kid; of course he wasn’t focused on the size of his room, or his stuff in general. He’s been through a lot in his five years, and he is good at making lemonade, too. I felt like he was telling me he’s glad I’m in his life, Totoro night light or no. It suddenly occurred to me that he is gaining more than a dog and a yard – he’s gaining me, too. I’m glad so glad he thinks that is a good thing.

#blog #humor #single life #learningtostep

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