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blk-chauvinist · 4 years

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Why Women Aren’t Funny

BY CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS

JANUARY 1, 2007

Be your gender what it may, you will certainly have heard the following from a female friend who is enumerating the charms of a new (male) squeeze: “He’s really quite cute, and he’s kind to my friends, and he knows all kinds of stuff, and he’s so funny . . . “ (If you yourself are a guy, and you know the man in question, you will often have said to yourself, “Funny? He wouldn’t know a joke if it came served on a bed of lettuce with sauce béarnaise.”) However, there is something that you absolutely never hear from a male friend who is hymning his latest (female) love interest: “She’s a real honey, has a life of her own . . . [interlude for attributes that are none of your business] . . . and, man, does she ever make ‘em laugh.”

Now, why is this? Why is it the case?, I mean. Why are women, who have the whole male world at their mercy, not funny? Please do not pretend not to know what I am talking about.

All right—try it the other way (as the bishop said to the barmaid). Why are men, taken on average and as a whole, funnier than women? Well, for one thing, they had damn well better be. The chief task in life that a man has to perform is that of impressing the opposite sex, and Mother Nature (as we laughingly call her) is not so kind to men. In fact, she equips many fellows with very little armament for the struggle. An average man has just one, outside chance: he had better be able to make the lady laugh. Making them laugh has been one of the crucial preoccupations of my life. If you can stimulate her to laughter—I am talking about that real, out-loud, head-back, mouth-open-to-expose-the-full-horseshoe-of-lovely-teeth, involuntary, full, and deep-throated mirth; the kind that is accompanied by a shocked surprise and a slight (no, make that a loud) peal of delight—well, then, you have at least caused her to loosen up and to change her expression. I shall not elaborate further.

Women have no corresponding need to appeal to men in this way. They already appeal to men, if you catch my drift. Indeed, we now have all the joy of a scientific study, which illuminates the difference. At the Stanford University School of Medicine (a place, as it happens, where I once underwent an absolutely hilarious procedure with a sigmoidoscope), the grim-faced researchers showed 10 men and 10 women a sample of 70 black-and-white cartoons and got them to rate the gags on a “funniness scale.” To annex for a moment the fall-about language of the report as it was summarized in Biotech Week:

The researchers found that men and women share much of the same humor-response system; both use to a similar degree the part of the brain responsible for semantic knowledge and juxtaposition and the part involved in language processing. But they also found that some brain regions were activated more in women. These included the left prefrontal cortex, suggesting a greater emphasis on language and executive processing in women, and the nucleus accumbens . . . which is part of the mesolimbic reward center.

This has all the charm and address of the learned Professor Scully’s attempt to define a smile, as cited by Richard Usborne in his treatise on P. G. Wodehouse: “the drawing back and slight lifting of the corners of the mouth, which partially uncover the teeth; the curving of the naso-labial furrows . . . “ But have no fear—it gets worse:

“Women appeared to have less expectation of a reward, which in this case was the punch line of the cartoon,” said the report’s author, Dr. Allan Reiss. “So when they got to the joke’s punch line, they were more pleased about it.” The report also found that “women were quicker at identifying material they considered unfunny.”

Slower to get it, more pleased when they do, and swift to locate the unfunny—for this we need the Stanford University School of Medicine? And remember, this is women when confronted with humor. Is it any wonder that they are backward in generating it?

This is not to say that women are humorless, or cannot make great wits and comedians. And if they did not operate on the humor wavelength, there would be scant point in half killing oneself in the attempt to make them writhe and scream (uproariously). Wit, after all, is the unfailing symptom of intelligence. Men will laugh at almost anything, often precisely because it is—or they are—extremely stupid. Women aren’t like that. And the wits and comics among them are formidable beyond compare: Dorothy Parker, Nora Ephron, Fran Lebowitz, Ellen DeGeneres. (Though ask yourself, was Dorothy Parker ever really funny?) Greatly daring—or so I thought—I resolved to call up Ms. Lebowitz and Ms. Ephron to try out my theories. Fran responded: “The cultural values are male; for a woman to say a man is funny is the equivalent of a man saying that a woman is pretty. Also, humor is largely aggressive and pre-emptive, and what’s more male than that?” Ms. Ephron did not disagree. She did, however, in what I thought was a slightly feline way, accuse me of plagiarizing a rant by Jerry Lewis that said much the same thing. (I have only once seen Lewis in action, in The King of Comedy, where it was really Sandra Bernhard who was funny.)

In any case, my argument doesn’t say that there are no decent women comedians. There are more terrible female comedians than there are terrible male comedians, but there are some impressive ladies out there. Most of them, though, when you come to review the situation, are hefty or dykey or Jewish, or some combo of the three. When Roseanne stands up and tells biker jokes and invites people who don’t dig her shtick to suck her dick—know what I am saying? And the Sapphic faction may have its own reasons for wanting what I want—the sweet surrender of female laughter. While Jewish humor, boiling as it is with angst and self-deprecation, is almost masculine by definition.

Substitute the term “self-defecation” (which I actually heard being used inadvertently once) and almost all men will laugh right away, if only to pass the time. Probe a little deeper, though, and you will see what Nietzsche meant when he described a witticism as an epitaph on the death of a feeling. Male humor prefers the laugh to be at someone’s expense, and understands that life is quite possibly a joke to begin with—and often a joke in extremely poor taste. Humor is part of the armor-plate with which to resist what is already farcical enough. (Perhaps not by coincidence, battered as they are by motherfucking nature, men tend to refer to life itself as a bitch.) Whereas women, bless their tender hearts, would prefer that life be fair, and even sweet, rather than the sordid mess it actually is. Jokes about calamitous visits to the doctor or the shrink or the bathroom, or the venting of sexual frustration on furry domestic animals, are a male province. It must have been a man who originated the phrase “funny like a heart attack.” In all the millions of cartoons that feature a patient listening glum-faced to a physician (“There’s no cure. There isn’t even a race for a cure”), do you remember even one where the patient is a woman? I thought as much.

Precisely because humor is a sign of intelligence (and many women believe, or were taught by their mothers, that they become threatening to men if they appear too bright), it could be that in some way men do not want women to be funny. They want them as an audience, not as rivals. And there is a huge, brimming reservoir of male unease, which it would be too easy for women to exploit. (Men can tell jokes about what happened to John Wayne Bobbitt, but they don’t want women doing so.) Men have prostate glands, hysterically enough, and these have a tendency to give out, along with their hearts and, it has to be said, their dicks. This is funny only in male company. For some reason, women do not find their own physical decay and absurdity to be so riotously amusing, which is why we admire Lucille Ball and Helen Fielding, who do see the funny side of it. But this is so rare as to be like Dr. Johnson’s comparison of a woman preaching to a dog walking on its hind legs: the surprise is that it is done at all.

The plain fact is that the physical structure of the human being is a joke in itself: a flat, crude, unanswerable disproof of any nonsense about “intelligent design.” The reproductive and eliminating functions (the closeness of which is the origin of all obscenity) were obviously wired together in hell by some subcommittee that was giggling cruelly as it went about its work. (“Think they’d wear this? Well, they’re gonna have to.”) The resulting confusion is the source of perhaps 50 percent of all humor. Filth. That’s what the customers want, as we occasional stand-up performers all know. Filth, and plenty of it. Filth in lavish, heaping quantities. And there’s another principle that helps exclude the fair sex. “Men obviously like gross stuff,” says Fran Lebowitz. “Why? Because it’s childish.” Keep your eye on that last word. Women’s appetite for talk about that fine product known as Depend is limited. So is their relish for gags about premature ejaculation. (“Premature for whom?” as a friend of mine indignantly demands to know.) But “child” is the key word. For women, reproduction is, if not the only thing, certainly the main thing. Apart from giving them a very different attitude to filth and embarrassment, it also imbues them with the kind of seriousness and solemnity at which men can only goggle. This womanly seriousness was well caught by Rudyard Kipling in his poem “The Female of the Species.” After cleverly noticing that with the male “mirth obscene diverts his anger”—which is true of most work on that great masculine equivalent to childbirth, which is warfare—Kipling insists:

But the Woman that God gave him, every fibre of her frame Proves her launched for one sole issue, armed and engined for the same, And to serve that single issue, lest the generations fail, The female of the species must be deadlier than the male.

The word “issue” there, which we so pathetically misuse, is restored to its proper meaning of childbirth. As Kipling continues:

She who faces Death by torture for each life beneath her breast May not deal in doubt or pity—must not swerve for fact or jest.

Men are overawed, not to say terrified, by the ability of women to produce babies. (Asked by a lady intellectual to summarize the differences between the sexes, another bishop responded, “Madam, I cannot conceive.”) It gives women an unchallengeable authority. And one of the earliest origins of humor that we know about is its role in the mockery of authority. Irony itself has been called “the glory of slaves.” So you could argue that when men get together to be funny and do not expect women to be there, or in on the joke, they are really playing truant and implicitly conceding who is really the boss.

The ancient annual festivities of Saturnalia, where the slaves would play master, were a temporary release from bossdom. A whole tranche of subversive male humor likewise depends on the notion that women are not really the boss, but are mere objects and victims. Kipling saw through this:

So it comes that Man, the coward, when he gathers to confer With his fellow-braves in council, dare not leave a place for her.

In other words, for women the question of funniness is essentially a secondary one. They are innately aware of a higher calling that is no laughing matter. Whereas with a man you may freely say of him that he is lousy in the sack, or a bad driver, or an inefficient worker, and still wound him less deeply than you would if you accused him of being deficient in the humor department.

If I am correct about this, which I am, then the explanation for the superior funniness of men is much the same as for the inferior funniness of women. Men have to pretend, to themselves as well as to women, that they are not the servants and supplicants. Women, cunning minxes that they are, have to affect not to be the potentates. This is the unspoken compromise. H. L. Mencken described as “the greatest single discovery ever made by man” the realization “that babies have human fathers, and are not put into their mother’s bodies by the gods.” You may well wonder what people were thinking before that realization hit, but we do know of a society in Melanesia where the connection was not made until quite recently. I suppose that the reasoning went: everybody does that thing the entire time, there being little else to do, but not every woman becomes pregnant. Anyway, after a certain stage women came to the conclusion that men were actually necessary, and the old form of matriarchy came to a close. (Mencken speculates that this is why the first kings ascended the throne clutching their batons or scepters as if holding on for grim death.) People in this precarious position do not enjoy being laughed at, and it would not have taken women long to work out that female humor would be the most upsetting of all.

Childbearing and rearing are the double root of all this, as Kipling guessed. As every father knows, the placenta is made up of brain cells, which migrate southward during pregnancy and take the sense of humor along with them. And when the bundle is finally delivered, the funny side is not always immediately back in view. Is there anything so utterly lacking in humor as a mother discussing her new child? She is unboreable on the subject. Even the mothers of other fledglings have to drive their fingernails into their palms and wiggle their toes, just to prevent themselves from fainting dead away at the sheer tedium of it. And as the little ones burgeon and thrive, do you find that their mothers enjoy jests at their expense? I thought not.

Humor, if we are to be serious about it, arises from the ineluctable fact that we are all born into a losing struggle. Those who risk agony and death to bring children into this fiasco simply can’t afford to be too frivolous. (And there just aren’t that many episiotomy jokes, even in the male repertoire.) I am certain that this is also partly why, in all cultures, it is females who are the rank-and-file mainstay of religion, which in turn is the official enemy of all humor. One tiny snuffle that turns into a wheeze, one little cut that goes septic, one pathetically small coffin, and the woman’s universe is left in ashes and ruin. Try being funny about that, if you like. Oscar Wilde was the only person ever to make a decent joke about the death of an infant, and that infant was fictional, and Wilde was (although twice a father) a queer. And because fear is the mother of superstition, and because they are partly ruled in any case by the moon and the tides, women also fall more heavily for dreams, for supposedly significant dates like birthdays and anniversaries, for romantic love, crystals and stones, lockets and relics, and other things that men know are fit mainly for mockery and limericks. Good grief! Is there anything less funny than hearing a woman relate a dream she’s just had? (“And then Quentin was there somehow. And so were you, in a strange sort of way. And it was all so peaceful.” Peaceful?)

For men, it is a tragedy that the two things they prize the most—women and humor—should be so antithetical. But without tragedy there could be no comedy. My beloved said to me, when I told her I was going to have to address this melancholy topic, that I should cheer up because “women get funnier as they get older.” Observation suggests to me that this might indeed be true, but, excuse me, isn’t that rather a long time to have to wait?

From Vanity Fair

#Men Are The Prize #Anti-Feminism #Humor

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awomanindeniall · 5 years

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Relative Values interview: documentary producer Nick Reed and his fashion designer son, Harris

The father and son on going from washing dishes to the big time — and dressing Harry Styles

The Sunday Times, December 1 2019

[[MORE]]

Nick

I always wanted to be a father and Harris was an extraordinary baby. At the time he was born, I was just starting out as a Hollywood agent and his mother had just launched a candle company; she had clients such as Ellen DeGeneres and Jennifer Lopez. She is super-creative too. She would take him to work or he would travel on planes with me.

We knew that Harris was special when he was very young. When a six-year-old holds a conversation with adults or starts doing interior design on the house, it’s pretty obvious. Our job was to support him. Life pressures led to the dissolution of our marriage when Harris was about 10, but we dedicated ourselves to co-parenting.

My father was in the navy. I was born in Gibraltar, but we moved every three or four years when I was young. It gave me an adventurous spirit, which my son has definitely inherited. Harris moved from the US, his birthplace, to France for a year at 15 years old because he knew he wanted to get into fashion and needed to learn French. That takes balls.

...When I won an Oscar for The Lady in Number 6 [in 2014], I called Harris — in France, where it was the middle of the night — and got Bradley Cooper to tell him in French that I’d won. No one wanted that film at first: Hollywood had told me I couldn’t produce a film about a Holocaust-surviving pianist because I wasn’t a producer, nor Jewish, nor knew anything about music. I really believe — and this is something Harris realises — that great timing, on top of talent, is key. You need to be able to connect the dots.

As a Brit, I think something I have picked up in America is that Nike-style “Just Do It” attitude; I’ve tried to show Harris that he can do whatever he wants. At school, he had a lot of problems: attention deficit disorder, which they wanted to put him on drugs for when he was six, and dyslexia. But we moved him to a liberal arts school and I think that’s one of the reasons he’s turned out soamazingly. Given he loved fashion, I bought him a subscription to Women’s Wear Daily to encourage him to read.

I remember a school project for which Harris and his classmates were given cardboard boxes and asked to represent their pasts, presents and futures using them. Every other kid had just drawn on the side; Harris’s had twigs flying out of it in all directions.

He was always super-artistic and immaculate. He reminds me of James Bond: always cool. On the few occasions I look great, people assume it’s down to Harris. But I’d be so lucky: there’s a queue to be dressed by him now.

Harris

My dad’s still very English, despite having lived in LA for so long. He doesn’t throw compliments around, but I know he thought my work with Harry Styles was amazing. Harry wore about 13 different looks on his worldwide tour [in 2017-18] and about half of them were mine; Gucci did most of the rest, then there was Yves Saint Laurent and Alexander McQueen. To be among them was incredible. I wrote down most of the ideas in crayon on the back of a napkin in a meeting with Harry. He’s really amazing. Seeing him singing in my clothes in front of 40,000 people was ridiculous.

Having a dad whose career has gone up, down and all over the place, in a great way, has been brilliant in teaching me that taking risks and potentially failing is part of reality and success.

I’m studying fashion at Central Saint Martins in London and we have to do placements in our third year. The only place I wanted to work was Gucci, so I emailed them one evening and got a generic reply. I thought, fine. But then they called and said Alessandro Michele [the brand’s creative director] wanted to fly me to Milan, the Disneyland of fashion, to meet me.

We got on so well, talked for 15 minutes and he asked me to walk in their upcoming show. It wasn’t quite like my dad’s casting call — being told you’re cute while washing up — but it was extraordinary. He said he’d seen me on Instagram, then a magazine article about me, then my application and decided he needed to meet me. Gucci don’t do internships, so it was huge. I knew I couldn’t not do it.

Usually I sew all day, go to dinner, come home and work on my designs. I just don’t sleep;

Dad says you can sleep when you’re dead. He’s the one I call for advice, mostly of a creative or business nature. He understands I don’t want to say no to things, just know how to fit them all in.

Central Saint Martins was the only fashion school in the world I wanted to go to and I got in following a terrible interview. The guy interviewing me ripped me apart and I was holding back tears. But in my first year I felt like the sky was the limit. I don’t want to make beautiful things, I want to make things that have a story. My parents told me off when I was eight for telling a friend’s mother that the curtains in their house didn’t match the rugs. I can’t help tweaking things.

I believe you should always be who you are, do whatever you’re doing to the fullest, and not give a shit about what people think. Moving around a lot, like my dad, has made me really understand myself — I must have moved 30 times already and it’s made me strong. Home to me is everywhere, or where family is.

People who don’t understand fashion often think it’s silly, but it has such power to change the way people feel and to push ideas. My dad helped me grow up in a bubble of acceptance and freedom. I came out as gay at nine years old and think of myself now as more fluid. But I hate labels, and don’t need them with Dad: he’s always trusted that I know who I am.

Claire, the documentary by Nick Reed and Ryan Azevedo, is available on YouTube

#harry styles #harris reed #fashion #central saint martins #gucci #nick reed #film #sunday times magazine #2019 #1 December #long read #ryan azevedo

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angelstrenchcoat-67 · 6 years

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Scared, Winchester?

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Warnings: Swearing

Summary: After a series of misterious deaths happened at a Harry Potter Convention, Y/N and Sam take it upon themselves to stop whatever is causing it, along side a very reluctant Dean.

"What the hell?" Dean frowns as I hand him the bag with his new costum.

"It was the last one they had" I bite my lip as Sam tries to hold back a laugh, pushing his fake glasses deeper into his nose.

"And why do I have to use it?" Dean looks back at Sam who is already fully dressed in his costum. "Why does he get to be the main dude?"

"It was the only one big enough and even the pants are still a little short" Sam shows his uncovered ankle to Dean.

"Change" I look back at Dean, fixing the brown curly wig over my head. "We are already late"

Dean grunts as he stands up, picking the bag from the table before walking out to his room.

"You are evil" Sam shakes his head, knowing that there were a lot more costums left.

"Like he's ever going to find out" I shrug, knowing Dean is never going to know I did this on purpose. "Besides, you are enjoying this too"

A few minutes pass until we hear Dean's shout through the bunker. "Do I really need to wear the wig?"

"Yes" I yell back before Sam can say anything. "Nobody is going to know who you are if you don't wear it"

"God, how I wish we had a camara right now" Sam tries to swallow down his chuckle as Dean comes back, wearing the black cloak over the grey woolen jumper with the Slytherin badge.

I bring my hand to my mouth, trying to cover the grin over my face as I watch Dean struggle with his platinum wig. "Need a hand?"

"Shut up" Dean mumbles as he grabs the car keys. "Let's get this over with"

No words in the world can explain the excitement Sam and I are feeling as we absorb everthing that's going on. There's a sorting hat event going on in the main room as well as a wand-picking gig at a near by tent.

"Dean, pleaseee" I make puppy eyes as we spot a Butterbeer stand. "I want"

"You already had two, Hermiannoying" Dean tries to glare at me but ends up sighing. "Fine, but this is the last one"

"Thanks" I stand up on my tip toes, giving Dean a slight kiss on the cheeks. "Besides we have to wait for Sam to come from his EMF round"

We make line at the stand as a few girls walk pass us, obviously checking out Dean. I mean, he does make a really handsome Draco, even with the cheap wig.

"Who do you think Hermione should've ended with, Ron or Harry?" Dean asks as we wait. "I heard some girls talking about it"

"Ron, obviously" I answer as we take a few steps. "Everyone says she deserved to end up with the hero but I think what people are missing out is that in fact Hermione is also a hero and she doesn't need to date the main character to get the validation she deserves. She saves Harry's life more times that I can count and she is basically an orphan at some point so she get's Harry in that sense so they are each other's family, not love interests"

"You have a strong opinion" Dean raises his eyebrows when he notices how carried away I got.

"I had a lot of free time when I was in middle school" I shrug as we finally reach the end of the line. "Three cups please" I ask the lady behind the counter as Dean hands her the money.

We wait for her to bring us our order as Dean plays with the hood of my cloak pushing it over my head. The lady finally comes back with our drinks so we thank her, making room for the people next in line.

"Hey, guys" Sam appears from behind us so I hand him his cup. "So check this out, all of our victims went to the same tour they offer here to see some restricted areas with cool stuff, like getting flying lessons, eating at the Great Hall"

"Yeah, so did every dumbledork here" Dean rolls his eyes so I shove him slightly because I also happen to be a dumbledork.

"They are called potterheads, and I thought it would be a good idea to check it out" Sam shifts slightly when Dean glares back at him "Okay maybe I just signed us up because I want to see those things, but still, it could be good for the case"

"Fine" I try to hold back my excitement when Dean finally agrees. "But I'm taking off this stupid cloak, it's really hot in here"

We walk towards the place Sam just came from as Dean makes a show of removing his cloak. There's a lady waiting for us at the entrance, holding three maps for us.

"Hi, I'm Kelly and I'll be taking you on a very magical journey" She smiles brightly at us, almost too enthusiastic for me. "So let's see who do we have here with us today"

"Hermione, Harry" She looks between me and Sam and the moves to Dean. Her eyes frown a little before tilting her head to the side. "Ellen Degeneres?"

"What? No!" Dean immediately protests as Sam and I let out a very loud laugh. "I'm that spoiled dude, the one with the daddy issues"

"I was joking" Kelly places her hand over Dean's shoulder and I suddenly I don't like her that much. "Of course I know a Draco when I see one, mostly when they are as handsome as you"

"Okay, maybe we can start" I take a step in front of Dean, smiling forcefully at Kelly. "We don't want to make the next group late"

"Oh, sure" She blinks harshly, taking a step back.

"Chill, Y/N" Dean puts both of his arms around my shoulders. "There's enough Draco to go around"

"Really cute of you to think that I was jealous" I take his arms off of me, even though I don't want to. "I just want to fly the brooms"

"Here we have a replica of the Hungarian Horntail that Harry had to face at the Triwizard Tournament" Kelly points at what seems like a real dragon, even though the sign in front of the metal cage says it's a robot.

"Can we touch it?" I ask, taking a step closer to the metal doors keeping us separated from the dragon.

"Sure" She smiles before pressing a button in the control center. The dragon moves forward, bowing his head for me to touch it.

I pace my hand over his forehead, feeling the scales under my finger tips. It almost feels too real, too warm for it to be just a mechanical dragon.

"Sam" I whisper only for him to hear as Kelly bats her lashes to Dean. "It looks so real"

"Yeah, isn't it so awesome?" Sam grins when the animal steps back to sit down, growling as he brings his tail around his body.

"No, Sam" I shake my head, looking at the yellow eyes in front of me. "It looks real. Almost too real"

"What are you talking about?" He frowns as I look to the next cage where there's a Norbit replica, spitting fire balls.

"Remember that case you and Dean had a few years ago, the dragons that were kidnapping those girls" Sam stares at me when he realizes where I'm going with this.

"You think that's what's happening here?" He frowns, looking for the journal in the pocket of his cloak. "There's not a pattern between the victims, I mean dragons are known for only choosing women. There were two men among the victims"

"Maybe they were dressed up as female character" I suggest, watching as Dean blushes at something Kelly said. If it wasn't because I'm focused on the mission, I'd be vomiting right now. "Think about it. People come willingly to meet 'robot' dragons, this is the best spot for the real ones to get their victims"

"But why haven't they attacked Kelly?" Sam asks, looking at the redhead as she shows Dean something on the map.

"She's handing them their prey on a silver platter, maybe not on purpose, but still" I look at the first dragon again as he stands up to spread his wings.

"I think we need to look around more. Let's not jump into conclusions" Sam speaks as Kelly and Dean move closer to us, ready to move along. "For all we know, these might just be really good robots"

"How about we go down the Great Hall?" Kelly asks with her chirpy voice which is starting to annoy me.

"Sure, lead the way" Sam starts walking next to her, leaving Dean and I behind.

"So, you and Sam, huh?" Dean swallows as the muscles around his jaw tighten.

"Ew, no" I frown, looking at Sam as he stares at a few brooms in a display window. "He's like my best friend"

"Auch" Dean looks ahead of us, not meeting my eyes.

"Oh, c'mon" I laugh as he pretends to dry a tear from his cheek. "You know with you it's different"

"Different how?" He finally looks down at me, biting his bottom lip.

"Well-"

"Hey, guys! Look at this" Sam calls out and right as he is about to show us something, he falls to the ground.

"What the hell?" I look up only to find Kelly holding a brick which I assume she used to hit Sam. "What are you doing?"

"I was getting bored, he talks a lot" She rolls her eyes as Dean bends down to check on Sam. "Besides, the magic is wearing off so it's time for the sacrifice"

"What are you talking about you crazy bitch?" Dean stands up after making sure Sam is okay. Unconscious but okay.

"The dragons. They are real" I tell Dean making Kelly laugh.

"No, stupid girl. They just seem real" She pulls out a metal cup, like the one Meg used. "I made a deal so I just sacrife a few of these stupid nerds and in return I get actual magic to attract more clients"

"Well, you chose the wrong stupid nerds to mess with" I launch at her but she just waves her hand, sending me across the room.

"Did I forgot to mention that I keep some mojo for myself?" She laughs, closing her hand, making my throat close as well.

Just when I feel like there's no air reaching my lungs, there's a loud bang that leaves my ear stinging.

I look up when Kelly's body falls to the floor, a pool of blood forming around her. Dean stands next to her, holding his gun. "Witch killing bullets. Figured they'd do the trick"

"I just got off the phone with Crowley" I walk into the living room as Sam holds an ice pack to his head while Dean gives him a few stitches since the brick caused his head to open a little. "He said that the demon behind that deal is already gone, he made sure of that"

"Crowley, helping so easily?" Dean takes a step back so Sam can stand up.

"He probably wants something in return" I shrug, grabbing a beer before sitting down.

"As much as I want to talk about Crowley, I think I'm going to bed" Sam leaves the ice pack on the table as Deans sits down next to me. "Good night"

"Night" I mumble as he kisses my hair and pats his brother on the shoulder.

Dean and I stay in silence for a couple of minutes, drinking our beer. Right as I'm about to say something, Dean beats me to it.

"So, I looked up that Draco kid" He scratches the back of his neck, almost as if he's nervous. "A lot of people seem to boat him with that Hermione chick"

"Boat?" I frown, not knowing what that's supposed to mean.

"You know, when you like two people together" He explains and I try my hardest not to snort.

"Ship?" I ask, raising my eyebrow as Dean's cheeks turn bright pink.

"Whatever" He mumbles, playing with the glass bottle to hide his embarrassment. "So, I was saying, if whay you wanted was for us to go as a couple, you should've just asked"

"No!" My cheeks are now the ones red and hot. "You wish, Winchester"

"C'mon, just admit it" He leans closer, running his tongue across his lip.

"There's nothing to admit, now if you excuse me" I try to stand up but Dean reacts faster, wrapping his hand around my arm.

He moves too fast so I'm not expecting him when his lips dive for mine, meeting in a warm kiss. His hands move to my face while I try to come to terms with what's happening. When I finally react, I move my hands to his hair as his lips move slowly but firmly against mine.

"I've been dying to do that" He mumbles against my lips as he rests his forehead against mine.

"What stopped you before?" I ask, moving my hands to his neck.

"I was- I-" Dean tries to speak but the words seem to be getting stuck.

"What?" I raise my eyebrow, giving him a quick kiss. "Scared, Winchester?"

————————————————————————

My first Dean x reader! Hope you guys like it :) I have a tag list for Matchmakers but if you want to be tagged in everything I write, let me know! I edited this while I was sleepy so I don’t know if there's some spelling mistakes 😂 I'll double check later.

Tag List:

@fallenangelsneverfade

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suzannebyrne · 6 years

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How Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan found love on the set of 'Step Up'

It was a case of reel love turned real love for Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan, who fell in love making the 2006 movie Step Up. (Image: YouTube)

In a peculiar but definitive statement, Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan announced that they’re “lovingly” ending their marriage of nearly nine years. While they reportedly split months ago, if you followed them on social media, you probably wouldn’t have suspected it because they were both still present in each other’s lives — well, feeds.

Although Channing, 37, had likely moved out of their home by then, on Jan. 31, Jenna, also 37, was happy to reminisce about the first time the met, which was at the audition for 2006’s Step Up, the dance franchise that helped launch their careers and relationship. “It’s really cute — and also embarrassing and crazy,” she said of the audition video from their very early days of fame. “Please watch how many times I giggle and laugh.” She added, “It’s very sentimental and amazing for me to watch.”

Their Step Up audition:

youtube

Yes, their first ever interaction — in 2005 — is documented forever. They were awkward, but cute, and dancing around the room to show off their chemistry — and footwork — to producers. At one point, Jenna, who has said she sounded like Minnie Mouse in that tape, joked that their pose made them look like they were going to the prom. But that was the right vibe to play bad boy Tyler who wins the heart of ballerina Nora in Baltimore-based dance flick.

While Step Up producer Adam Shankman later said, “I knew that they were going to be together forever. There was never a question,” Jenna, who grew up a dance kid in real life, has said that she wasn’t at her best the day of the audition.

“I went in to read for the part with Channing, but showed up late with the wrong scenes,” she recalled told Cosmopolitan. “Then I opened the door on the poor girl who was auditioning before me right as they were leaning in for a kiss. I was horrified. But he was so sweet. He came out and worked the scenes with me.” She said that right away she thought he was “super hot.”

Here’s the Step Up trailer:

youtube

They had their first kiss in the film. “It’s interesting now, because we can watch it and see; we can go, ‘Oh, wow, that was actually our first real kiss,’” she told Redbook in 2014.

But, as relationships are, it was complicated at first. He told Elle in 2013 that he had just “gotten out of a pretty long relationship, so I was in no way ready for another.” That didn’t stop him from flirting with his co-star while they made the movie. “We went out one night and danced at a club, and there was that feeling,” she told Cosmo. “Then we started hanging out.”

Their hangouts were initially PG — no kissing — watching movies and stuff. She described it as “two nights of being weird,” and she had enough of it. So she gave him an ultimatum, which was basically to, um, step up.

Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan flew into each other’s arms in 2006’s Step Up. “Catch me,” her character memorably told his as she ran to him. (Image: YouTube)

“I said, ‘You know what? You are probably not ready to jump into another [relationship],” she recalled to Cosmo. “‘Why don’t you take time and figure out what you want?’ I told him, ‘I always know what I want. I’m more of a monogamous relationship person. So that’s where I would go with this, but I totally understand.’ I was smart enough not to get my feelings wrapped up in it. I figured we might just be into each other because we’re shooting a movie. I said, ‘While you’re figuring that out, I’m not just going to hang out and watch movies and flirt. I’ll see you on set.”

Three days later, after a boozy night out with some of the the film’s dancers, Channing came knocking on the door of Jenna’s hotel room. “He said he had the chance to be free and he couldn’t stop thinking about me,” she said on the Ellen DeGeneres Show in 2017. “He’s in a sombrero, underwear and Ugg boots and said, ‘Let’s do this.’”

A sombrero? Yep, he explained its origins to Elle, saying that the night he showed up at her hotel room, he was drinking at a Mexican restaurant. “One one of my buddies was like, ‘What are you doing, man? She’s dope.’ So “stole” the hat “off the wall” and he went to go see about a girl.

Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan at the 2006 Sundance Film Festival in January 2006. This was the “sugar mama” phase. He said that he was broke after they filmed and Jenna, whom he moved in with immediately after filming paid the bills. (Photo: Jesse Grant/WireImage)

As with many set romances, it wasn’t a secret to the crew. “The next morning he was in my room and I go to set because I had an earlier call time,” she said on Ellen. “I’m getting hair and makeup done and an hour goes by and the production assistants go, ‘We can’t find Channing. We don’t know where he is. He’s not in his room. We’ve banged on his door and called his room.’ And I called a PA over and said, ‘He’s in my room.’” When Channing arrived to set, he was greeted by applause.

Channing has said that he opened up to Jenna about his stripper past during one of their “very first dinners we ever had together. “I don’t know. I’m not shy about it. She was just like, ‘What?’ She needed to know just like everybody,” he told Entertainment Tonight last year. How did she react? “Weirdly enough, girls ask less questions then guys do. Guys want to know everything about it like, what how much? When? Were you naked?”

After Step Up wrapped, “We went back to L.A. and were together, and together ever since — never broken up,” Jenna told Redbook. And while Channing went on to make bank in Magic Mike and 21 Jump Street, he told Elle, “I was broke and I couldn’t pay my half of the rent when we were first together. She was basically my sugar mama for six months.

By the time the press tour began in 2006, Channing and his sugar mama Jenna were a full-on couple. In this interview, she gushes about their “instant bond.”

Jenna doing press for Step Up and talking Chan in 2016:

youtube

He was all in, too. Listen to him talk about her dancing skills — and his amazing new life. “I’ve just been so lucky that the right things have come along and the right people have come into my life at the right time,” says young Chan. “I feel like I won the lottery, man.”

Channing doing Step Up press and gushing about Jenna:

youtube

At the premiere, which took place in August 2016, they were inseparable. Director Anne Fletcher said they were “very professional” about it though. “They were there to get a job done. I never said anything to them, they just chose on their own to get the movie done first. They took it very seriously.” However, “Once the movie was over,” it was, “Go for it!”

Plus-ones! Jenna Dewan and Channing Tatum attend the after party for the premiere of Step Up on August 7, 2006 in Los Angeles. (Photo: Michael Buckner/Getty Images)

By December 2006, they were full-blown in love and didn’t care who knew it. Channing long ago posted this video of them at a press conference in Italy to promote the flick. In it, she describes him as “a very sweet, loving, funny, giving, caring, compassionate … hard worker. He’s very goal-oriented.” As if she’s a walking, talking version of his résumé.

youtube

Yes, she was in love, but was he. “Jenna’s very, she’s obviously beautiful, but she really, really is as beautiful inside as she is out,” he said. “She’s really real, too. She loves to teach people how to not come from a place of insecurity, just, you know, come from a place of love, I guess. She’s a big fairy, flower child. [She’s] a beautiful soul, a beautiful soul.”

Jenna and Channing got engaged in 2008 and married in 2009. Their only daughter, Everly, was born in May 2013. Jenna had said she looked forward to showing Everly the audition tape from Step Up so that she could see her parents falling in love. However, Channing talked about showing Evie some of the actual movie and she wasn’t a huge fan.

Needless to stay, Step Up was a hit. Their film kicked off what was to become a mega-million-dollar franchise, which also included more films and games. Earlier this year, the new YouTube Red show Step Up: High Water debuted — and the now seasoned pros in Hollywood are executive producers on the series.

What happens with their company, 33andOut Productions, is probably being sorted out right now amid their split news. (It has four films in development, including a film about Peter Pan and Captain Hook called Neverland.) There is a lot at stake, mostly from Channing’s side, but she’s doing well herself with her TV work. Needless to say, a lot has changed since this bright-eyed and beautiful pair first met a decade ago.

Read more from Yahoo Lifestyle:

• Top-rated fitness gear to keep you motivated to work out all of 2019

• Trust us, these are the best hair, skin and makeup products launching in January

• Get your 2019 off to a clutter-free start with the best organizing and storage solutions

Ellen’s Walmart shopping list

Ellen DeGeneres shares her favorites things to buy this month. (Photo: Getty Images)

Source: Yahoo Lifestyle

EV1 From Ellen DeGeneres Nylon Tote

Ellen says: “This soft, durable tote is so versatile it will knock your socks off and then hold those socks in one of the cute pockets inside after they’ve been knocked off.” Shop it: $21, walmart.com

Source: Yahoo Lifestyle

Tal Stainless Steel Insulated Water Bottle

Ellen says: “A necessity if you wanna stay hydrated on the go and cut down on plastic. This is stainless steel and keeps your cold liquids cold and your hot liquids hot. Plus, it’s pretty.” Shop it: $10, walmart.com

Source: Yahoo Lifestyle

Fitbit Versa

Ellen says: “If you’re committed to that New Year’s resolution to move more, this is perfect. Don’t give up! You can do it! At least till February!” Shop it: $200, walmart.com

Source: Yahoo Lifestyle

Life Energy 5mm EkoSmart Cork Yoga Mat With Yoga Strap

Ellen says: “This is an eco-friendly, anti-bacterial yoga mat made out of cork. Because you never wanna work out too far from something that can also be used as a wine stopper.” Shop it: $35, walmart.com

Source: Yahoo Lifestyle

Nutribullet Balance Smart Blender

Ellen says: “OK, this is neat. Connect your phone to this Smart Blender and instantly track the nutritional content of your smoothies. Sorry, all other blenders that don’t do this.” Shop it: $129, walmart.com

Source: Yahoo Lifestyle

Amazing Grass Energy Green Superfood Powder, Lemon Lime

Ellen says: “Need a pick-me-up? Add a scoop of this to your beverage for a little boost and a healthy dose of greens. They call it Superfood, I call it super-excellent-wonderful-food.” Shop it: $21, walmart.com

Source: Yahoo Lifestyle

EV1 From Ellen DeGeneres Women’s Love Velour Hoodie and Pants

Ellen says: “I love this sweatsuit because it’s perfect for lounging, running errands and making it seem like you’ve just come from the gym.” Shop it: Hoodie, $24, Pants, $20, walmart.com

Source: Yahoo Lifestyle

SmartyPants Women’s Complete Dietary Supplement Gummies

Ellen says: “This is an easy-to-take chewable multivitamin that will help keep you healthy all winter long. Don’t be a dummy pants. Take SmartyPants.” Shop it: $17, walmart.com

Source: Yahoo Lifestyle

Allswell 10 Inch Bed in a Box Hybrid Mattress

Ellen says: “After the stress of the holidays (specifically Aunt Patty’s radish soufflé), there’s nothing you need more than a good night’s sleep. This mattress is a perfect combination of memory foam and coils so you can literally rest easy every night.” Shop it: $189 to $359, walmart.com

Source: Yahoo Lifestyle

My Infinite Agenda 2019 Daily/Monthly Planner

Ellen says: “This might be the only planner that will help you get organized, set goals and save the world. With every purchase, a donation will be made to Charity:Water, which helps make clean and safe drinking water a global reality.” Shop it: $48, walmart.com

Source: Yahoo Lifestyle

Ninja 4-Quart Air Fryer

Ellen says: “Another great way to stick to your New Year’s resolution. Make quick, easy, guilt-free meals for your family that are delicious and healthy. Just please save me some fries.” Shop it: $99, walmart.com

Source: Yahoo Lifestyle

Petcube Play Pet Camera With Interactive Laser Toy

Ellen says: “Anyone else wish you could text your pets while you’re out of the house? Anyone? Hello? Anyway, now you can interact with them right from your phone wherever you are. This has a camera, microphone and laser so you can listen, talk and play. Just no texting … yet.” Shop it: $149, walmart.com

Source: Yahoo Lifestyle

Gentle Giants Canine Nutrition Chicken Dry Dog Food

Ellen says: “Burt Ward, who played Robin in Batman, and his wife Tracy created this line of all-natural dog food and it’s worked wonders for all different breeds. They’ve also saved over 15,000 dogs through Burt’s Gentle Giants Rescue and Adoptions. For that, I love them.” Shop it: $35, walmart.com

Source: Yahoo Lifestyle

Evenflo Exersaucer Doorway Jumper

Ellen says: “I don’t have kids, but this is so cute I may consider borrowing one for an afternoon. This supports your baby while they jump and play and it comes with a bonus joey in the pocket. If we’re rating it 1-10 on the cuteness scale, this is probably a 473.” Shop it: $30, walmart.com

Source: Yahoo Lifestyle

Dove Promises Milk Chocolate Candy

Ellen says: “Because Dove Chocolate.” Shop it: $4, walmart.com

Source: Yahoo Lifestyle

#pets #_revsp:wp.yahoo.style.us #_uuid:5cd6611b-7346-3ae0-8fb3-60245ea88769 #Ellen DeGeneres #yahoo shopping #walmart #health #slideshow #kitchen #_lmsid:a0Vd000000AE7lXEAT #shopping #home

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missheardmag · 6 years

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Ellen DeGeneres’s EV1 Collection Has Finally Launched At Walmart And It’s Cute AF

Ellen DeGeneres's new EV1 collection is about to upgrade your wardrobe with fun, colorful pieces and denim must-haves.

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skinnymeme · 6 years

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Ellen DeGeneres’s EV1 Collection Has Finally Launched At Walmart And It’s Cute AF

Ellen DeGeneres's new EV1 collection is about to upgrade your wardrobe with fun, colorful pieces and denim must-haves.

View Entire Post ›

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motherlifesucher-archives · 8 years

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Judges pt. 2 l Shawn Mendes Imagine

(a/n): HAPPY NEW YEAR BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE! i’m back with part 2! It’s kind of long but i hope you enjoy it! Thank you to all the people who requested a second part. HERE’S PART ONE

MASTERLIST

prompt: Shawn & (y/n) have to face each other after their encounter, and turns out way better than expected.

You couldn’t erase the taste of his lips.

You just couldn’t bring yourself to stop thinking about the way his hands roamed your body like he knew every bit of it perfectly, or the way his beautifully shaped lips molded against yours perfectly, or how he sounded so out of breath when he said he liked you.

He liked you.

Yet you weren’t able to return those words. Of course you liked him, you had for a long time, but dating was difficult in your world, especially now that you were colleagues. Though you couldn’t deny that during the two-week break you found yourself scrolling past his Instagram and smiling at the pictures of the two of you, or debating if whether or not you should call him, or at least text him, because it wasn’t only that you craved his touch, but you missed his presence, you missed him so much, and you wanted to see that he was thinking about you too.

Your break wasn’t technically a break, since you launched your latest album which was a synonym of interviews and promo in general, yet you still had time to think about the boy who seemed to be always on your mind. And when he wasn’t, people made sure to bring him up on conversations and even interviews.

A Week Earlier

“Today on the show we have The X Factor’s judge and singer (y/n)!” Ellen DeGeneres introduced you.

“Hello,” you waved at the crowd before hugging Ellen and taking your seat.

“So, it’s been a pretty good year so far,” Ellen said and you nodded. “You are part of this season’s The X Factor, and now you just launched your newest album” She said and took the album showing it. “You look pretty good”

“Thank you” you said laughing as you saw the close-up to your expressionless face on the cover.

“Tell us a bit about the album”

“It’s very different from my last two albums; the sound is more mature, the lyrics are deeper. I’m very proud of it to be honest.” you finished with a smile as the audience cheered.

“Glad to hear that. Though this new album isn’t the only interesting thing going on in your life right now,” Ellen said cheekily. “You are the only girl in this season’s The X Factor panel, how has that been for you?”

“It’s been incredible. It’s an amazing opportunity and I’ve had the time of my life” you said smiling.

“How is the relation with the other judges?” Ellen asked and you noticed something in her eyes, and you prayed that she didn’t use your answer to bring up Shawn into the conversation.

“It’s great. We have the time of our lives together, it doesn’t even feel like work. At the beginning I was a bit scared of Simon because, come on, he’s Simon,” you said looking at the audience who agreed with you. “But he’s a softie. He gives great advice and it’s fun to be around with. Same goes for L.A., they both are legends in this industry so it’s hard to believe that I’m sitting right next to them.” You answered and Ellen nodded slowly.

“I think you are missing someone” she said with a cheeky smile. Here we go, you thought.

“Yeah, Shawn” you said smiling.

“Yeah, Shawn,” Ellen imitated you, earning loud chuckles from the audience. “These pictures say a lot more that ‘Yeah, Shawn’ to me” she said and faced the big screen on your back.

You did your best to just keep your smile and prayed that your cheeks didn’t get flushed as you saw different pictures of you and Shawn leaving some of the different hotels you had stayed in, others from the gym, others walking around different cities… The audience cheered loudly and some ooh-ed, the screen froze with a picture of you and Shawn sitting together on the judges table, and you knew it was time to explain yourself.

“We’re good friends…” you were going to continue but the audience didn’t seem to agree with you.

“Come on!” Ellen told you. “I mean, look at these pictures! You were seen leaving hotels, you can’t tell me you’re great friends! Do they look like just friends?” Ellen asked the audience and everybody said no.

You laughed nervously. “But if you see the photos closely, you can see Simon and L.A. ahead of us!”

“And the ones on the gym? Were Simon and L.A. exercising too?” Ellen asked and now you could feel your cheeks burning up.

“I swear to God we are just friends” you said trying to hide your face with your hands.

“You say that now” Ellen said making everyone laugh before asking you to play a game with her.

You looked at yourself in the mirror for the tenth time, trying to convince yourself that you looked nice enough to leave the hotel room and go to the arena where bootcamp was taking place. You smothered your white lace dress and checked your make-up one last time when someone knocked on your door. You went to open and saw your manager who told you that everyone was already waiting at the lobby. You picked your things and quickly walked to the elevator, and in a couple of seconds you were leaving the elevator. you could see some camera flashes but decided to ignore them as you walked to the spot where the rest of the judges were.

“Look who decided to join us” Simon said when he noticed you.

“I’m sorry, I’m not usually late. I lost track of time” you excused yourself before taking a deep breath and hugging each of them, leaving Shawn to the end.

“We were starting to get worried” Shawn said quietly before you hugged him.

You tried to take in his scent, but you could feel your body shaking as you touched the strong muscles on his back, or the way his arms contracted at the embrace, the same arms that you had been able to feel just a couple of weeks ago.

Simon said it was time to get going, and as usual, he and L.A. walked faster and made their way to the underground parking lot since it was filled with reporters and fans. You and Shawn were left behind, and you didn’t know what to do. A part of you wanted to ignore him, pretend that nothing had happened, but the other side wanted to grab him in your arms and kiss him like you were alone. You bit your lip at the thought when you heard Shawn talking.

“How have you been?” he asked you quietly.

“Good, what about you?”

“I’m fine. Congratulations on the album” he said subtly eyeing you as you walked.

“Thank you” you said giving him a smile.

“I saw you on Ellen, by the way” he said with a smile on his lips, and you turned your head at him.

“You did? God, I’m sorry. I did my best to handle the situation” you apologized but Shawn shook his head.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ve been asked about you too, people are going to talk, we can’t stop that”

“People are going to talk” you repeated and you noticed you were reaching the parking lot.

Shawn stopped moving, “(y/n) I’m sorry about the other day. I really enjoy your company and I don’t want this to be awkward” he said scratching the back of his neck.

“Don’t apologize. I actually have to talk to you about that” you said nervously.

“Oh, okay” Shawn said looking surprised. “My room? Tonight?” he suggested and you nodded.

“i look forward to it” you said at the same time you noticed Simon and L.A. were stepping inside the van.

You were exhausted after the first day of bootcamp. You had your notebook full of notes about what you liked and disliked about each contestant. You knew this week was going to be as busy as today, so you didn’t think twice when you threw your body to the mattress.

You and Shawn were meeting in his room in half an hour, but since you knew Shawn was just as tired as you were, you didn’t bother in picking a cute outfit, instead, you removed your dress and chose a pair of jeans and a tank top, and removed your make-up. You didn’t have trouble with Shawn seeing you like that, since he was used to seeing you in the gym, where you didn’t have an ounce of make-up and your face was flushed and sweaty; you actually felt more comfortable around him when you were like this.

The only thing you took with you was the room card for obvious reasons before you walked across the hall to Shawn’s room. You knocked three times when and immediately the door opened, revealing Shawn wearing a grey t-shirt and black jeans, and his hair was wet, making him look even hotter. You smiled at him sweetly and nervously, having absolutely no clue to how this conversation was going to end.

“Come in” he said stepping aside so you could go inside.

“Thank you”

“Are you hungry? We can order something” he suggested.

“Why don’t we talk first and then we can order something and watch a movie?” you said and Shawn arched an eyebrow before a grin appeared on his face.

“Oh, so you’re planning to stay?” he said cheekily and you blushed.

“Shut up” you muttered and Shawn laughed. There was a moment of silence before Shawn spoke up.

“So… What do you wanna talk about?” he said guiding you inside the room.

“I think it’s obvious, isn’t it?” you answered and Shawn sighed.

“I’ll do whatever you want me to do. If you want to forget what happened and what i told you, it’s okay, I’ll get over it eventually” he said giving you a sad smile. you stayed in silence for a few seconds, thinking about what to say.

Your brain didn’t really process what you were going to say until your mouth opened: “That’s the thing, I don’t want you to get over it.”

Shawn seemed taken aback; his eyes widened slightly and his mouth opened. “What?” he said in disbelief.

“I like you, a lot. And i’m surprised you didn’t notice, either. I think we both have been so focused on not letting the other find out we didn’t notice” you confessed and a smile slowly started forming on Shawn’s lips, but it soon was replaced by confusion.

“Then, what’s next? I mean, I like you, you like me… We technically see each other every day.”

“Do you think we are capable of having a relationship? I mean, now we see each there every day but then you have your career and I have mine.” you said and Shawn scooted closer to you.

“If we want this, we’ll figure it out” he removed a strand of hair from your eyes. “And I know I really want this” he spoke softly searching for your eyes.

You let out a shaky breath due to your closeness before placing your hand on his thigh. “And I really want this”

Shawn had big smile on his face. “Good” he moved his face closer to yours but you dodged him.

“Sorry, you have to take me on a date first” you said giggling and getting up.

He groaned. “Does room service count as a date?” he asked and you shook your head in denial. “What about gym sessions?”

“Nope” you grinned. “By the way, are up tomorrow for a little work-out?” you asked him wiggling your eyebrows.

“I’m always up for a little work-out, though I’m not sure if you are ready to handle this” he said motioning his body before you both exploded on a fit of giggles.

“So cocky,” you said shaking your head, but nothing could erase the smile on your face.

“Do you like McDonald’s?” Shawn asked you out of the blue.

“I love McDonald’s”

“Tomorrow, after we finish filming”

“It’s a date?” you asked him cheekily.

Shawn nodded. “It’s a date”

The day had kicked off perfectly. You had missed your gym sessions with Shawn, it was the best way to start the day. Even though you had been doing it since pretty much the start of the season, after the interview with Ellen, Simon and L.A. were a bit suspicious if something was going on between the two of you, and didn’t miss any opportunity to tease the both you, especially since you and Shawn got easily flushed.

The hours didn’t seem to pass since you were anxious for your date with Shawn, and you could notice Shawn was excited about it, too, because when the cameras weren’t on you, he would place his hand on your leg, or play with your fingers, while dedicating you his best smiles.

You learned that there was a McDonald’s near your hotel, so you left the arena with L.A. and Simon, left some things in your room, and changed your attire to a floral dress with a jean jacket since the weather was warm. You were almost done with applying your lipstick when someone knocked on the door. you checked yourself in the mirror one last time before you opened the door, revealing Shawn who was wearing the same outfit as earlier. He greeted you with a kiss on your cheek and you got going.

There weren’t fans or paparazzi at the entrance of the hotel, though you both knew that didn’t mean pictures of the two of you together wouldn’t come up, since it was likely that as you were walking on the street, some people were snapping pictures with their phones, but after years on the industry you both had learned to ignore it and just live the moment.

The date was going on smoothly. You still weren’t able to finish your fries because Shawn kept telling you jokes and funny stories, and you couldn’t stop laughing. At this point you knew people had taken pictures of the two of you, and they were probably on social media by now, but you could’t careless as you listened to Shawn tell a story about the time when he opened the door of his house and the ground was so frozen he landed on his butt and then couldn’t get up because he slipped every time he tried. You also talked about the show, and which groups you hoped to mentor, and the best performances you had seen so far, and of course flower guy came up in the conversation, but you both laughed about at the memory.

The sun was hiding and you knew that meant you had to go back to the hotel, so you got up and left. The air was colder, but you didn’t really notice since Shawn’s hand was shyly brushing yours. Your breath hitched on your throat when he finally had the courage to intertwine your fingers, and even if the walk to the hotel was short, butterflies filled your stomach at the feeling of his hand on his. You turned your face and noticed Shawn’s cheek were pink and his eyes were fixed on your face, you smiled at him and continued your way back.

You noticed some fans near the hotel, so you picked up your pace and passed them unnoticed. You greeted some people as you walked to the elevator, but no one stopped you and you both were thankful for that, since you didn’t want for anything to break the moment you were living. Every time you glanced at Shawn your smile grew even more, he was everything anyone could ask for; he was a complete gentleman, one of the sweetest persons you had ever met, he was ridiculously talented, he was funny, and of course, he was hot.

“I had a great time” you said as you approached your rooms.

“Yeah, me too.” he said grinning. “Maybe tomorrow we can watch a movie?” he asked and you nodded enthusiastically.

“Sounds perfect. My room?” you suggested and he nodded.

“Then i guess I’ll see you tomorrow in the morning…” he said slowly. “by the way, i wanted to add some songs to the playlist if that’s okay…?”

“Sure! We need some new stuff” you smiled and he copied.

“Sleep tight” he said giving your hand a squeeze.

“You too”

This time it was Shawn who took the initiative and inched his face closer to yours; you closed your eyes waiting for the moment to happen, and when his lips caressed yours softly, you felt like you could touch the sky with your fingers. This kiss was different from the one you shared on his room, this kiss was slow and loving instead of fast and needy. You put your hands on both sides of his face while his were on your waist, slowly caressing the area as your lips mixed together. You couldn’t help biting your lip once the kiss was over, making Shawn hum softly.

“Don’t do that,” he said running his thumb over your lip. “It makes me wanna do things to you that I know I can’t do” he whispered on your lips.

You smiled before biting your lip again. “Then I guess I’ll go to my room, now” you pecked his lips one last time. “Goodbye, Shawn”

“Goodbye, Satan” he joked, making you giggle loudly before getting into your room.

Was he even real?

Live Shows

You woke up to the feeling of someone drawing circles on your back. You groaned and open your eyes, who had a hard time adjusting to the sunlight, but when they got used to it you noticed you weren’t in your room, you weren’t wearing your clothes, instead you were wearing an oversized Nike hoodie, and your body wasn’t laying on the mattress, and instead you were on Shawn’s firm chest. You looked at him and he smiled.

“Good morning,” he greeted you with his typical morning voice.

“Morning,” you said nuzzling your face on the crook of his neck, earning a throaty laugh from his part.

“You know,” he said carefully sitting on the bed, making you straddle him. “I don’t know for how long I can have you sleeping in my bed without something happening” he said and you lifted your face from his neck, giving him a cold stare. “I’m kidding” he laughed.

“You better be,” you kissed his jaw. “It’s going to happen eventually, don’t even doubt it. I have a hard time resisting you, too” you chuckled before pecking his lips and getting up.

Shawn gripped your hand. “Wait, where are you going?”

“It’s live shows day! We have to be there earlier, remember? Which means we can’t go to the gym” you said and Shawn pouted, making him look incredibly adorable. “I’ll give this back later, okay?” you said looking at the hoodie.

“You can keep it, I don’t mind” Shawn said as he stretched his body.

“Okay then” you said before running back to him and kissing his lips. “See you later”

You couldn’t help the yawn that escaped your lips as you watched your last contestant perform the song that. hopefully, would get her to the final. You and Shawn had stayed up until very late watching Black Mirror on Netflix, but you soon recomposed yourself as you gave the girl advice on how to move around the stage and to hold her notes. The stage manager told you it was L.A.’s time to use the stage so you gathered up your things, congratulated your act and made your way through backstage. You were checking your phone when you hit something, or more like someone.

“Careful” Shawn said smirking.

“Sorry, I was thinking how my girl is going to kick your guy’s ass tomorrow night” you teased him.

“Yeah, you wish. Where are you going?” he asked you interlocking your hands together.

“To the judges’ lounge, I need some rest. We stayed late last night” you both started walking to the lounge, which was empty since L.A. was on the stage and Simon was taking care of something.

“Yeah, I got some sleep while you were rehearsing” Shawn admitted as you sat on the couch.

You rested your head on his legs as he began stroking your hair softly. “That explains your eyes” you said looking up at him and caressing his cheek.

Simon and L.A. already knew you and Shawn were together, you didn’t have to tell them since they had suspected it since the beginning, but their suspicions were confirmed when the four of you went to a restaurant and you and Shawn left walking hand-in-hand. You still hadn’t made it official, though, and that drove the fans and media absolutely crazy since they had the evidence but neither of you spoke a word about it, and neither did Simon and L.A. who often got questioned about your relationship status.

You felt your eyes closing when Shawn started talking. “Have you checked Twitter?” he asked and you shook your head in denial. “They have a few pictures” he unlocked his phone and opened the Twitter app to show you a collage made of pictures of you wearing his Nike hoodie on different occasions, plus Shawn wearing it, too. “Didn’t know you wore it for work” he said zooming the picture to show you a picture of you during rehearsals on the prior episode.

“It’s comfy” you said accommodating your head on his lap.

Shawn stayed silent for a few seconds before clearing his throat. “Does that make us official? You know, wearing each other clothes?”

You grinned. “I don’t know, no one has asked me to be their girlfriend”

“Oh,” Shawn said and a smile appeared on his lips. “So, do you want to be my girlfriend?”

“Straight to the point,” you laughed. “I’d love to be your girlfriend”

Shawn smile grew bigger. “Good”

“Good” you copied his actions.

He smiled at you before lowering his head and kissing your lips. You both couldn’t stop smiling, making it hard for your lips to collide, but you were so happy you didn’t care. Your lips were finally mixing together when the door opened, at first you didn’t react, but when you heard someone groaning in fake annoyance you separated your lips.

“Not here, come on. This is our safe zone” Simon said laughing, showing his perfectly white teeth.

“Sorry Simon” you apologized but you couldn’t erase your smile.

“Young love” Simon sighed before grabbing a can of soda and sitting on the couch in front of you. “Oh, don’t mind me. Carry on with your actions”

The three of you laughed but silence filled the room. You could fee your eyelids getting heavy as Shawn resumed his actions and started stroking your hair.

The Final

Everyone was running around making sure everything was perfect. Your make-up artist finished your lipstick when the producer announced you were five minutes away. You checked yourself in the mirror when Shawn appeared from behind and circled his arms around your waist.

“Ready to get your ass kicked, babe?” he asked placing his chin on your shoulder.

“You wish” you said facing him and fixing his jacket. “You look hot” you whispered on his ear.

“Thank you, babe” he said as his cheeks tinted a light shade of pink. “You look stunning, as usual”

“Thank you” you were going to continue talking but you saw your boyfriend pout. “What’s wrong?”

“You have lipstick on” he complained.

“Yes…” you said confused.

“i wanted to kiss you” he said leaving a kiss on your cheek instead. “Usually, I couldn’t careless to get lipstick all over my face, but now I don’t have time to get cleaned up, and wouldn’t have time to get cleaned up and reapply your lipstick”

“You’re suck a dork” you giggled and left a trail of kisses from his earlobe to his jaw.

“Don’t do that now” he said in a low voice.

“You’re weak” you teased him at the same time Simon and L.A. appeared.

“Excuse me, everyone,” Simon said earning the attention of everyone in the room. “We are about to put on yet another final of this production and i couldn’t be more thankful for all the work every single one of you has put. Us who work in front of the camera, and those who make sure everything is perfect, thank you so much. We’ve witnessed friendships and even romantic relationships develop in this season” he said laughing and everyone subtly eyed you and Shawn, who squeezed your hand. “Despite of the results, thank you so much and I really hope to see you all soon” he finished at the same time the producer announced we only had one minute left.

“Hey, we should take a picture” Shawn suggested and asked an assistant to take it with his phone.

“I guess we are invited to the wedding” L.A. joked as the four of you posed.

“Don’t doubt it” you laughed before the producer guided you to your spot.

“Good luck, babe” Shawn said leaving a quick peck on your lips. you smiled and ran your thumb over his lip in case he had rests of your lipstick.

“Good luck, handsome” you told him just when the music started.

Show time.

The final was going perfectly, you were extremely proud of your act no matter what. She was actually singing with Demi Lovato for the duet, plus she was the only girl left and something was telling you that she had a high chance of winning, but right now you were focused on Nick, the first boy who gave you flowers and had sung Grenade by Bruno Mars. He was mentored by Simon and, as you all had said when you first heard him sing, he had an amazing voice, so it wasn’t a surprise when he killed the song Simon had chosen for him that was Hello by Adele.

You were giving him advice when you heard Simon chuckling from beside you.

“What is your problem?” you asked Simon, making the audience laugh. Simon acted like he hadn’t heard you and made Nick a sign.

“(y/n) I literally wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you, since I auditioned because I admire you” he confessed and the audience awed. “And these are for you” he said and a producer quickly walked to the stage and gave him a bouquet of flowers.

“Simon, why do you like putting me on these situations” you said looking at the man sitting on your left, who just shrugged with a grin on his face.

“You know what,” Shawn spoke up. “I feel offended, I mean, why does everyone give flowers to my girlfriend? That’s kind of my job” he said and your eyes widened slightly since he had just confirmed your relationship.

“Oh, don’t complain, Mendes. You don’t really get her anything” Simon said and everyone ooh-ed, waiting for Shawn’s response.

“Having him is more than enough,” you said and the audience awed again. You got up from your seat and walked to the stage to receive the flowers. “Thank you, by the way. They’re beautiful”

“Not as beautiful as you,” Shawn said and you placed your hand on his thigh.

“We are on live TV!” L.A. said into his microphone, but he also was laughing.

“Right, back to Nick” you said smiling at the boy on the stage and continued giving your opinion on his performance.

Nick left the stage and it was time for a commercial break. The make-up artist approached the judges table and quickly started working on Simon. You took advantage of the situation and softly placed your hand on Shawn’s cheek, he turned around to face you, but your surprised him by kissing his lips softly. Part of the audience cheered since they were watching, causing you both to grin and separate.

“What was that for?” he asked placing his hand on your thigh, something that was both sweet and suggesting at the same time.

“I really wanted to kiss you. you just made us official, remember?” you told him and he laughed.

“Yeah, sorry about that”

“Don’t apologize, I loved it” you said when the make-up artist approached you and started re-applying your make-up.

“Oh, good” he said stroking your leg.

“Good” you smiled at him.

At this point it didn’t matter if either you or Shawn won, you had everything you needed right next to you.

#shawn mendes #Shawn Mendes Imagine #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes one shot #shawn mendes au

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Lake Eola turtles need sunbathing perches, says club's petition

Lake Eola surely would tick off Yertle the Turtle, a character in a Dr. Seuss children’s story.

There is hardly any place in Orlando’s showcase lake where Yertle could order others of his kind to stack themselves in a column, which, as the story goes, Yertle would climb as king of his pond.

According to the real-life Turtle and Tortoise Club of Florida, there is precious little space at Lake Eola for any sort of perching by turtles, fabled or otherwise.

Kevin Spear

A Lake Eola turtle.

A Lake Eola turtle. (Kevin Spear)

And that’s not good, say club members, who are petitioning for installation of artificial perch places.

“I don’t want to have any conflict with parks and rec on this,” said Marvin Bennett Jr., an Orlando resident and vice president of the turtle club, who stressed a desire to avoid friction even as he has reached out to city hall often.

Putting basking platforms in Lake Eola would greatly benefit turtles. — Marvin Bennett Jr., vice president, Turtle and Tortoise Club of Florida.

“Putting basking platforms in Lake Eola would greatly benefit turtles,” Bennett said.

His club has collected more than 500 signatures in support of the cause, with 300 of those during the Earth Day celebration at Lake Eola last month.

This city’s response this week amounted to: thanks, but we’ve got this.

“The turtles are doing fine,” city park manager John Perrone said.

Kevin Spear

Softshell turtle in Lake Eola.

Softshell turtle in Lake Eola. (Kevin Spear)

Ricardo Ramirez Buxeda / Orlando Sentinel

Softshell turtle at Lake Eola.

Softshell turtle at Lake Eola. (Ricardo Ramirez Buxeda / Orlando Sentinel)

A variety of turtles are visible on sunny days in the 28-acre lake in the heart of Orlando. There are native red belly and peninsula cooter turtles, exotic red-eared sliders and enormous softshell turtles.

Bennett, who has ponds at his home where he raises turtles, couldn’t disagree more with the city’s contention.

He is the author of “Turtles, Tortoises and People, A Turtle Conservation and Care Book.” In it are dozens of his own color illustrations of the reptiles.

Ricardo Ramirez Buxeda / Orlando Sentinel

Marvin Bennett, vice-president of the Turtle and Tortoise Club of Florida.

Marvin Bennett, vice-president of the Turtle and Tortoise Club of Florida. (Ricardo Ramirez Buxeda / Orlando Sentinel)

Bennett said basking promotes absorption of calcium for bones and shells. Sunlight also helps them shed fuzzy algae off their backs.

But while Bennett’s perspective is mostly about turtle welfare, the city views a larger concern.

Kevin Spear

Snowy egret at Lake Eola

Snowy egret at Lake Eola (Kevin Spear)

At Eola, there is an assortment of fish, dozens of swans from foreign places, ducks, rats, pigeons, squirrels and a lot of animal poop to be cleaned off sidewalks early each morning.

Also experienced at Eola are 3.5 million visits by people each year.

Managing such a crowd at Lake Eola Park is enough of a challenge and wildlife isn’t going to get much special attention, according to city officials.

We don’t run it as a zoo. — Orland park's manager John Perrone.

“We don’t run it as a zoo,” Perrone said.

As nature goes, Lake Eola is a mess.

Its wetlands were obliterated by sea wall along much of its 4,493 feet of shore.

Most of its water is rain that arrives via gutters with soda straws and lawn fertilizer.

Kevin Spear

White swans and blue-green water accent Lake Eola.

White swans and blue-green water accent Lake Eola. (Kevin Spear)

The lake is dyed blue-green to block sunlight from stimulating algae growth.

Eola ranked last year near the bottom – at 72 of 94 – for healthiness among Orlando lakes.

As much a retention basin as lake, it doesn’t drain into a stream.

Excess water pours down deep wells to the Floridan Aquifer, a practice common in the city.

Yet Eola is appreciated for swans, skyline reflections, schools of little fish and the signature fountain.

Ricardo Ramirez Buxeda / Orlando Sentinel

Lake Eola's fountain.

Lake Eola's fountain. (Ricardo Ramirez Buxeda / Orlando Sentinel)

“I think it looks nice,’ said Amy Chafey of Phoenix, who was with her husband, Brian, and their daughter for Central Florida cheerleading competition this week when they took their first look at Eola.

Bennett said turtles strongly prefer perches in open water and away from predators.

Perrone pointed to gnarly cypress roots and knees as potential perches.

Anhinga among tree roots at Lake Eola.

“Would you want to sit on that?” said Bennett, who marvels that turtles survive in Eola.

The single piece of prime real estate for perching is the upper side of a drainpipe that juts through the sea wall.

Turtles at the single perching spot at Lake Eola.

The scene there is of turtles doing as Yertle the Turtle would encourage: piling upon one another.

They don’t succeed very well. When a turtle is able to claw up and into the scrum, another turtle usually is bumped back into Eola.

I think they are cute but I think they need more space to get out of the water. — Orlando resident Rosely Batista of turtles basking at Lake Eola.

The spectacle often draws sightseers, taking pictures and, to Bennett’s dismay, tossing unhealthy snacks of bread crumbs.

Bennett said if the city installed artificial perches, they quickly would become popular teaching moments about nature – in an intensly urban place.

Kevin Spear

Rosely Batista and, behind her, friends at Lake Eola, checking out basking turtles.

Rosely Batista and, behind her, friends at Lake Eola, checking out basking turtles. (Kevin Spear)

Standing above the drainpipe, Orlando resident Rosely Batista, 25, watched the turtles with delight.

“I think they are cute but I think they need more space to get out of the water,” Batista said.

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Hurricane Irma destroys record number of turtle nests on Central Florida coast »

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SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket took off from Florida’s Space Coast today, carrying with it the first satellite launched for the nation of Bangladesh. The liftoff was the first time the Elon Musk-led company has sent a workhorse version of its Falcon 9 rocket into space.

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Rob Lowe told Ellen Degeneres that he sleeps better when he's not with his wife. A study backs up Lowe's claim, revealing one in four married couples sleep apart for better rest.

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A Disney parade float caught fire at Magic Kingdom on Friday afternoon according to a video recorded by a park guest.

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Coach Scott Frost joined Orlando Sentinel columnist Mike Bianchi Thursday morning on his Open Mike radio show on 96.9-FM to address comments he made in a USA Today article about the validity of UCF’s national championship push.

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Long before Jim Becker was hired to help Central Florida’s largest county kick off a recycling program, the retiring manager of Orange County Utilities’s solid-waste division pursued a Hollywood dream that put him on movie sets with Robert De Niro, Tom Cruise and O.J. Simpson.

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