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yiling-laozu-is-loml · 13 days

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For the danmei fanfic nightclub: XiXian angst possibly prisoner of war canon divergence.

How dare you make me inspired to write ten minutes after waking up? Suffer now!

Cw/Tw: warnings, heavy angst, psychological torture, isolation, self-loathing, suicidal thoughts, near-death experience. Hopeful ending because I am not entirely a monster!

Word Count: 3.2K

“The Lan Clan’s losses can never be compensated, even in a hundred years which is why the Jiang Clan has come up with something. We only hope this formal apology serves to restore the relationship between YunmengJiang and GusuLan. We also wish for Hanguang-jun to have a smooth transition and a better life in his next reincarnation.” Wei Wuxian would joke about how he was proud that Jiang Cheng managed to stay civil and formal at the same time and for such a long time-

“What is it that you’re offering?” Trust Lan Qiren to never waste time with skippable formalities.

“Wei Wuxian, Hanguang-jun’s murderer as a prisoner of war. This will be the last time we will do anything related to Wei Wuxian again. He is under your care now and you may feel fit to do whatever,” he spat the last word towards Wei Wuxian.

-if only he weren’t being sent to his slaughter amidst the internal cheering of the cultivation world.

“We accept, but instead of a prisoner to be tortured, I would like to take Wei Wuxian as my lawful spouse. I would love to live a long life with him. There is no resentment in Cloud Recesses to cloud his mind after all,” Lan Xichen spoke evenly but even from a distance Wei Wuxian could see the gleam of hatred in his eyes. Oh yes, he understood what the Lan Clan Leader was doing. Torture and killing him wouldn’t last as long as a marriage and captivity in the clan would. He would be proud of Lan Xichen for finally showing his true emotions if he wasn’t in danger.

“Lan-zongzhu is most merciful.” He bowed, trying not to clench his fists. There was nothing more he could do. He was Lan Xichen’s to do with as he wished and from the look in his future husband’s eyes, Wei Wuxian would suffer for years. But that’s alright. It’s what he deserves and worse. For being the reason Lan Wangji died. For telling him he was going to destroy the Yin Hu Fu and the mechanics behind it and for letting his guard down around a man so determined to stick around him.

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He finished his three bows without fanfare the next day and moved into the Hanshi a few hours later. With everyone he cared for dead and everything important to him having been burned in Lotus Pier years ago, it didn’t take long. He only had to bring himself.

“You’ll sleep on the floor near the brazier,” Lan Xichen informed him and Wei Wuxian gulped before offering a small bow. “The Clan leader needs to look like the paragon of the Clan as such, I must take care of myself before anyone else. I am sure you understand how politics and gossip work, Yiling Laozu.”

He didn’t, and on the off chance he did, he didn’t care about what people thought anyway but he nodded to show he understood.

“Well, I hope you see him in your dreams tonight because I am sure he would’ve loved to see you in his.” It was said lightly but Wei Wuxian understood it for the curse it was. Not even half a day had passed since his sham of a marriage and his husband had already cursed him to nightmares.

“Have a pleasant rest, Lan-zongzhu,” he responded, settling his tired body near the brazier.

The next few weeks were a blur of doing nothing, getting sneered at by everyone and thinking of Lan Wangji. It always got worse if he would look in a direction and remember what Lan Wangji had done in that area years ago. He could picture him stomping around in that elegant manner of his in his mind and it never got easier, knowing he was never coming back.

Because he had learned to be a self-sacrificing fool from staying with him. Wei Wuxian would cuss him out if he wasn’t worried about how every one of his actions could affect his reincarnation. He probably thought too highly of his influence with fate but it was better to be careful.

The constant ache of feeling like something was missing, something was wrong, the nightmares and the bland GusuLan fare that was surprisingly not poisoned caused his health to decline steadily. He lost weight, his body ached constantly and his mind was in tatters, warring with immense guilt and self-hatred at all times of the day. So it wasn’t a surprise when the thin line between his guilt and lack of self-worth finally snapped. Frankly, he was surprised it took two months.

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“Excess emotion is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses,” Lan Xichen reminded, as he found his husband with tears streaming down his face again. He didn’t even seem aware he was crying but didn’t look surprised as he wiped his face free of the residue of his guilt.

“Why are you being so cruel to me? You won't let me die and now you don’t want me to feel,” he whispered listlessly, the rays of the setting sun making the harsh lines of his face more pronounced. He had known his husband wasn’t eating but surely a cultivator of his calibre could practice inedia for weeks, couldn’t he?

“Every Clan member has to abide by the rules and you are part of the main family now.” He pointed out.

“I didn’t take you to be so skilled at torture, Zewu-jun, but I was wrong. You’re so good at this, aren’t you? Ordering the kitchens to send me food Lan Zhan used to like better, not stopping anyone from whispering and jeering and taunting my dead family, letting everyone remind me how I failed at being a father before I could ever become one… before I could ever save my A-Yuan.” He choked on a sob and Lan Xichen was surprised. Yuan-er, dead? Who was telling him such lies? “I really despise you.”

“That’s alright. The last person in our clan you seemed to like was my brother and we all know how that went.” It was instinct, lashing out at a husband who never fought back because the guilt of having a hand in his brother’s death was too much for him. If he hadn’t whipped Wangji. If he hadn’t left him unsupervised. If he hadn’t underestimated the depth of his brother’s feelings for Wei Wuxian… It was no wonder Wangji overexerted himself and reached the Burial Mounds before the siege did.

The pain on Wei Wuxian’s face made him stumble. The guilt on his face had left its mark on his once-youthful face. His eyes were dull, and his smile, ever-present in his teenage, was twisted into a loathing grin. One directed at himself.

No. Lan Xichen won't sympathize with that man. Doing so was the cause of his brother’s downfall. He needed to hate him forever and needed to ensure Wei Wuxian got what he deserved and more.

“I didn’t come here to talk to you, I came here to tell you we’re having tea with the elders today. Make yourself presentable. Your Lan robes are there, wear them.” Lan Qiren had gotten Wei Wuxian an ill-fitting –more now than before because of all the weight he had lost— set of robes, plain white to signify that while he was married to the leader, he was nothing more than a prisoner. An unwanted.

Lan Xichen should hate him, he really should. It’d make things easier. So why then, did hearing Wei Wuxian’s heart-wrenchingly agonized sobs make him want to cry too?

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“You are a disgrace upon this clan and to every cultivator alive! How dare you look at me with such an accusatory expression?” Elder Zhou yelled, breaking half a dozen rules about composure. Lan Xichen looked at his husband and realized the elder was right. Wei Wuxian was glaring at him. Could it be that he realized who argued with him the most to make sure he punished his brother with the discipline whip?

“You’re only lucky Xichen wanted you alive. Your status as his legal spouse is the only thing keeping us from seeking justice! You don’t deserve to take a single breath of Gusu’s air with all the crimes you’ve committed!” Elder Wang spoke up too and was it him or the Elders had invited them to tea solely to take turns hurling accusations at Wei Wuxian. He had thought this was a formality, yet there seemed to be a reasoning behind every carefully worded barb. And it was working. Wei Wuxian’s clenched hands were shaking, his lower lip was bleeding from how hard he was biting it and there was an unmistakable wetness in his eyes.

“I think that’s quite enough.” He stood up, offering Wei Wuxian his hand. His husband quietly followed his lead. “Don’t forget in whose presence you are because you all have broken two dozen rules so far. Submit yourself for punishment tomorrow.” And then he was leading Wei Wuxian out and away from the Elders. Should’ve done this earlier, a voice in his mind grumbled and he was tempted to agree.

But the damage was done because as soon as they were in the Hanshi, Wei Wuxian fell to his knees, clutching his robes. His surprise made him speechless.

“Kill me, please. I can't do this anymore. Everywhere I look, I see him, I remember the lives I snuffed out and I feel the guilt. It's been getting worse, Zewu-jun, I can no longer take a single breath without feeling weighed down by self-loathing, deserved as it is.” His voice was hoarse from the tears, his form bony from starving himself, yet the grip on his robes was unyielding and spoke of someone who used to have so much power. And now he had been reduced to begging.

“It's killing me, I know that was the purpose but the soul-crushing agony I feel is unbearable. I am going insane and I don’t want to become a danger to the Clan. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I hurt another soul again. So please, please kill me. End this farce and free yourself. Shatter my soul too after so I can never reincarnate again. I don’t have a golden core so it’d be easy and I know I don’t deserve to ask this of you but please make it quick. I want to have one last moment without pain-“

“Wei Wuxian, calm yourself!” He fell to his knees and grabbed his husband’s hands. “Take a deep breath and explain what you mean.” Because he couldn’t have heard that right. Wei Wuxian was the strongest cultivator alive, how could he be that without a golden core?

“I would if it’d make a difference but… I can't, I can't breathe I can’t-“ Lan Xichen realized too late. Wei Wuxian looked dead, his outward appearance reflecting on his mind’s condition. He was right because Wei Wuxian was on the brink of insanity and begging him to kill him so his people stayed safe.

“He’s good, he’s one of the best people out there, Xiongzhang, so please help me bring him to Gusu.”

Ah. So this is what Wangji meant back then. This is why his brother wouldn’t budge in his defences of the Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation.

I see it, I see it now, Wangji. But am I too late?

His eyes were a dull, lifeless grey. They seemed to be seeing through him. Wei Wuxian was dying. And most of it was his fault. He did this, he tortured the man his brother cared so deeply for with every member of the Clan. He should’ve felt happy, proud of breaking the feared Yiling Laozu. So why then, did the sight of Wei Wuxian almost dead make him feel like scum. Like a murderer. Like someone who killed an innocent.

Because that’s what his husband was. An Innocent. The pieces clicked in his mind. The rumours of Jiang Wanyin losing his core but coming back even stronger. The Demonic Cultivation. The pushing people away. The desire to stay away from Wangji yet be helpless to resist his light. The lack of Yin Hu Fu. The desire to keep one more person safe from his hands if that was the last thing he did.

Wei Wuxian had been innocent and Lan Xichen had committed a heinous, unforgivable crime.

“A-Ying, husband, I am here. I am here.” His hands were clutching at bony shoulders, pulling the man into his arms for a tight embrace. He held him as he shook, body wracked with sobs and unintelligible sounds of grief and guilt and he held him as his own eyes grew misty. He realized how every horrible thing that had happened to this poor, innocent man had his hand in it. He wasn’t any better than the things he was punishing Wei Wuxian for, was he? What was the purpose of being a Clan Leader, someone said to have infinite wisdom, both theoretical and real, if he was going to be blind in the face of his own guilt? He was a disgrace, he had tortured a man whose only crime was caring for others, and he had let others take part in his depraved schemes.

He was a monster.

“I am sorry, I am so sorry, please stay with me. Stay with me!” He couldn’t disguise the desperation in his voice as Wei Wuxian went slack against him. Would he be able to live with himself if Wei Wuxian died? Would he ever be able to face his brother with his hands tainted in his most cherished person’s blood? “A-Ying, A-Ying I am so sorry please don’t leave me, please! I’ll do anything you ask for, give you anything, please don’t go too, please please-“

He heard shouts in the background, he heard the word Qi Deviation being muttered and felt the oppressive feeling of untamed panic as the door to the Hanshi was kicked open. Yet his arms never let go of his husband, even when the world went dark.

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He sat up with a harsh breath, wondering where he was. Looking around didn’t tell him anything. He tried to remember what happened, where he was… It was then he noticed a weight on his left hand and turned to look at what had him in such a death grip.

Wei Wuxian slouched on the floor, seemingly asleep. But the grip on his hand was unyielding. It was also warm. Warm with life. Warm with proof that his husband was alive and that he had time to make amends and be a better person for him and Wangji.

“A-Ying,” he whispered, and Wei Wuxian sat up with a grumble, eyes red with interrupted sleep.

“Oh… I should call the healers since you’re awake,” he muttered and moved to get up. Xichen wasn’t having it, so he pulled Wei Wuxian towards him, making him stumble and fall onto him gracelessly.

“Don’t go yet, stay with me, A-Ying,” he whispered in his hair as his arms tightened around his husband. His husband. Wei Wuxian was his husband. How had he never realized how significant that fact was?

“I- alright?” And then he climbed into the bed and wrapped his arms around Xichen, offering him comfort he didn’t know he needed so badly.

“You’re alright. I didn't lose you…” He shuddered at the thought and felt Wei Wuxian look up at him. “You’re here…”

“I am.” Lying was forbidden in the Cloud Recesses after all. “Where am I?” He still felt disoriented, as if he wasn’t quite feeling or seeing everything around him yet. His head hurt and it made him realize he couldn’t feel his spiritual energy.

“I had to seal your spiritual energy so it wouldn’t harm your meridians. You were qi deviating and I didn’t know what to do. Turns out it was a good idea because Xiansheng told me I just saved your life. It’s a little fascinating, he said he had never thought of stopping a qi deviation fit before it killed or permanently rendered someone from cultivating by sealing the energy and forcing the disruption to contain itself and-“ He tuned out the rambling in favour of staring at his husband’s face. For the first time in years, he saw the passionate interest reminiscent of a scholar again.

The war had taken so much from them all. He had forgotten it had been taken from Wei Wuxian too. His core, his family, his standing in the world, the reputation of his deceased parents. It had taken the spark, the warmth that had made Wei Wuxian Wei Wuxian and none of them had realized.

Seeing him now, so alive and only because he had gotten over his pain and guilt to save Xichen’s life. Watching him gesturing minutely with his hands as if he could draw him a picture of every genius thought that crossed his mind to explain his thoughts better, Lan Xichen realized he was alright. Wei Wuxian was alive and so was he. Their relationship had been riddled with pain and guilt, doomed from the beginning. But maybe, just maybe, they could make something beautiful out of it.

Beautiful… It was the same word he could use to describe Wei Wuxian now, with his eyes full of life and his voice going hoarse from the constant rambling. His cheeks were flushed and he was panting as he stopped his tirade and looked at him with a look full of so much indignance he giggled.

“You’re not even pretending to listen to me!” He wailed dramatically, a triumphant smile touching his lips as Lan Xichen laughed again. So this was Wei Wuxian, the real Wei Wuxian. Someone who was so smart, not just in mind but in action. Someone who was kind and selfless. Someone who found joy in making others happy regardless of who they were and what wrongs they had committed in life.

Lan Xichen didn’t blame his brother anymore. He could see it. Feel the first dregs of infatuation coursing through his veins as Wei Wuxian pouted dramatically at him. Feel a stirring in his heart that could only be the foundation of love as he tightened his hold on his husband. Feel the warmth of a blush as it spread on Wei Wuxian’s cheeks and his ears as he leaned forward to kiss his forehead, whining about how unfair he was being, taking away his thoughts just like that.

“A-Ying,” he sighed and Wei Wuxian’s flush darkened as he looked away from him, a shy smile touching his lips as he hugged him back harder with utmost nonchalance.

“A-Huan…” It was Xichen’s turn to freeze, his face beginning to burn and Wei Wuxian cackled inelegantly in his embrace.

They would be alright. There was a mountain of hurt between them, unanswered questions, withheld knowledge, the grief of losing Wangji, and the lingering effects of war, too. But for once, Xichen was convinced, his optimism not unfounded.

They would be alright and they would be happy. It would take time but he was sure of it, surer than he had ever been of anything.

He smiled down at his husband and pulled him to rest against him, a hand moving to stroke his hair. Wei Wuxian sighed softly and began the process of lecturing him about being reckless and following in his example of idiocy. And as those lips moved against his neck, reprimands falling from them against his skin, he wondered what it’d feel like to kiss them.

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