#Godfrey the butler

[starleska]

Paul Williams as Jimmy Jordan in Season 6 Episode 3 of Fantasy Island, 'The Perfect Gentleman' 🤘🔥

[wheresthebus]

Charles Dance’s role in The Sandman is so similar to his role in Call of Duty Zombies Dead of the Night.

Can the man not perform satanic rituals for five minutes?

[mrsniallhoran505]

I don't have a type... I don't have a type... I don't have a type...

[no-side-us]

Letters From Watson Liveblog - Dec. 6

The Blanched Soldier, Part 3 of 3

Godfrey's no good, very bad day; from getting shot, crawling through the freezing cold, only to wind up in a leper's bed of all places.

Leprosy is one of those things I've heard of but have never really learned about. Seems like lepers were treated quite harshly then based on what Godfrey's putting himself through.

What a miracle of a happy ending. I suppose it's nice, though a bit too convenient. Overall, another fine story elevated by the fact that Holmes is the one narrating and Watson's absence is decidedly felt throughout it.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

[mariocki]

Disraeli: Dizzy (1.1, ATV, 1978)

"I am an Englishman and a member of the Church of England."

"Yes. But you are still, by birth, a Jew."

"Yes, which I have never denied nor tried to conceal."

"Precisely. Precisely. And that is what Melbourne meant. Even to have been elected to the House of Parliament, without anything else, would have been a triumph. You would not only have been an MP, but you would have been the first Jew ever to have entered the House of Commons. You must not take it to heart because the times and the centuries are against you."

"My only regret, father, is that there might not be another by-election for months, even years."

"You mean to try again, then?"

"Yes again, again, and again, father, and not only for ambition but for pride. I refuse to let myself be beaten."

[liroyalty]

Staff Tags

stevenson falcon {head butler of the royal palace}

wendy travers {camellian maid}

mary cook {head maid of the royal palace}

edward pratt {the mighty blade}

godfrey cross {captain of noire}

troy gardener {knight of noire}

reginaldus earl {knight of noire}

stan galle {admiral of camellia}

trilla striker {knightess of camellia}

chris dogger {squire of camellia}

joyce linen {top artillery knightess of camellia}

[skelkankaos]

i just realized that Godfrey is a catboy. pointy ear styled hair. bell around neck. youthful catgirl maids move over for elderly catboy butler

[violetganache42]

Highlights from tonight's watch party filled with framing, whodunnits, and mystery galore (Sorry about your laptop problems and all our lag complaints, WriteBackAtYa):

"No":

Scrooge and the triplets making an appearance

Mortimer's voice

Mickey being a people pleaser

WriteBackAtYa commenting how we love saying our favorite characters' names whenever they appear onscreen

Me: "PLUS INTEREST?!"

"Duckman of Aquatraz":

Story Blossom: "Would've been awesome if Webby kissed a shark in the new series" spamtoon: "its okay because huey kissed a worm"

ACAB!!!

Even in the original series, Louie is always trying to talk his way out of shit

The idea of Glomgold walking into court blasting Queen's "We Are The Champions" in a similar vein as the "All I Do Is Win" scene

"WHY, BEAKLEY?!"

Duckburg's court and its judge fucking suck

"NOT THE PAINTING!"

Scrooge effortlessly defeating the prisoners in arm wrestling

MORE SCROOGE AND WEBBY MOMENTS 😭💖

Mad Dog being a mama's boy

This whole episode showcasing how prisoners are people too

melcat33: "Mad Dog was like 'this is my comfort millionaire'"

The Scrooge x Mad Dog ship setting sail

This episode also reminding us on why the legal system sucks

Glomgold taking the time to hang up a painting of Scrooge

"McMystery at McDuck McManor!":

Donald fleeing to his car like:

"Literally the oldest person he knows?"

The entire table read of this episode from Disney Channel Fan Fest 2018

Scrooge being a sulking Grumpy Gills. XD

DJ Daft Duck

Godfrey and I being on the same wavelength yet again (To quote Godfrey, "Insert 'Perception Check' by Tom Cardy")

Scrooge being SO against celebrating his birthday that he straight up lagged and froze the Discord stream (Dude, WTF?)

THE BUTLER DID IT

Mist Opportunity

"I hate this already."/"OH, YEAH. :)"/"You can't get that helmet off, can you?"/"OH, NO. :'("

Black Arts Beagle is best Beagle Boy

DT-87

The stream lagging on the part where Scrooge walks into a sliding glass door 😭 (I know it's because of WriteBackAtYa's laptop, but for the sake of levity, let's say it was Scrooge's doing again and he did it because that part fucking embarrasses him.)

Mark saying Glomgold sucks at the whole "trying to kill Scrooge" thing (Rare Mark Beaks W)

THE DUKE IS BACK

"Since when did I have to become the adult in the room? I'M NOT CUT OUT TO BE THE ADULT!"

Huey doing a Scrooge impression

"Don't kill me! I barely lived! #YOLO #FOMO #AHHH"

Duckworth's reaction to seeing the axe fall down to the floor

Duckworth and Beakley's beef with each other

"Clock Cleaners":

Snoozer male stork

Learning A New Hope was paired with "Duck Dodgers in the 24th 1/2 Century" for its screenings

Realizing we were watching the edited version of the short where Donald says "Aw, nuts."

The return of Max's real mother

The Great Mouse Detective:

Me sharing which DT/DWD character would be who in a GMD-themed AU way before the movie started

Us getting excited at hearing Alan Young's voice

Cheerful music playing right after a sad moment (Hiram getting kidnapped) = Last Crash ending vibes

A new server emoji of Mark Beaks getting shot point blank for dabbing

Tokuvivor: "The world's smallest violin" Caroline: "Let me play you a song on the world's smallest violin" Me: "Basil, this is serious."

Learning Vincent Price is in this movie

Sharing a GMD Lorcana card during "The World's Greatest Criminal Mind"

"Flaversham."/"Whatever."

teleportzz: "literally every man in this is so gay so far" puffywuffy8904: "or are they just european" Story Blossom: "Or are they gay AND european?"

Basil's face when Toby sat on Olivia's command

OLIVIA SAYING UNCLE BASIL 😭💖

Hiram and Olivia reminding Puffy and I of Scrooge and Webby (I AM GETTING FUCKING EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT AS WE SPEAK.)

Ratigan upon learning Fidget's list is missing:

Basil x Dawson being the movie's equivalent of DWD91!Drakepad

Story Blossom pointing out how Miss Kitty is basically Goldie

The bar fight scene in a nutshell:

"There is no Queen of England."

Ratigan's royalty drip

WriteBackAtYa: "He's supreme like a taco from Taco Bell"

Basil trying to imprison Ratigan: "Officer, arrest that man!"

The entire Big Ben scene and how well the 2D and CGI animations blended together

Learning that the ballroom scene from Beauty and the Beast was the first Disney and Pixar collaboration

According to melcat33, Basil not skipping leg day saved his life

puffywuffy8904: "and they were roomates" Me: "Oh, my God. They were roommates."

Ratigan's "Goodbye So Soon" diddy playing during the end credits

[amypihcs]

HELLO HUMANS! Well, well, a new letter from our dear W-AIT WHAT?

W-what? Holmes is WRITING?? DAAAMN. Watson messing with carpentry and beating his fingers instead of the nails... well, he just got the WRONG nails. Luckily Holmes is taking care of him! And agreed to write to us!

Ah Holmes, no need to be so bitter about it! Or maybe you are teasing you husband, uh? And yes. You tormented him with criticism and this is the payback. Write your own story and then take your own steps to apologize to Watson. Talking of him.

Watson, reading this: I am an unfeeling, rational and non-sentimental machine, so i'll present you an entire paragraph on how much i love my husband Holmes, blushing crimson: Shut up you insufferable tease W: Just admit that you love me H: I did it thrice in the first 10 minutes after we woke up this morning -snuggling watson noises- Now read on.

W: A WIFE, HOLMES? She was a PATIENT. She was having difficulties with the last stretch of her pregnancy and i had to go at hers!

Also i love how Holmes describes his way of analyzing his clients. And also how he goes 'so, Watson likes it when i do my deductions, it impresses Watson, and also other people, so i'll deduce this man's last years of life'

And at his surprise the reaction is

I miss my Watson so please give me the fact and hope this case is challenging as your letter made hope... WAIT, WHAT? KICKED YOU OUT? TELL ME MORE! -puffing on his pipe-

Stop being cheeky, lad. Tell the FACTS.

And he does. He was in South Africa and there he met a guy and they bonded a lot and he was wounded and now he disappeared!

Holmes is in this moment sympathizing with young Godfrey, he's interested!

Story continues. Our guy here manages to get himself invited to their place, a quite inaccessible one and gets shown into the father's study. the interview is not pleasing.

The man tells him to go the hell away and leave them alone since he ALREADY EXPLAINED, our pal says that his 'explanations' are a big load of bullshit. Man tells him to stay for dinner. Atmosphere is DEPRESSING and he climbs to his room as soon as decent and then the butler drops in!

Butler is like super old and his wife nursed Godfrey and so he asks if his foster kid behaved well in war and then he starts talking weird... in past tense as if he was dead. OF COURSE OUR PAL ASKS

THAT'S ONE HELL OF AN ANSWER, DAMNIT!

W: Ah, so now i'm matters, Holmes. Nice cliffhanger H: -grumble grumble- Writing this stuff is difficult. I'll propose them the ear monograph! W: at least it's not the tobacco one... H: Which you read... -bickering goes on-

Our Holmes left us with a cliffhanger just like his husband does! We'll hear the continuation in the next letter!

[alynnl]

So, this part of The Blanched Soldier:

I have two theories as to what could have happened and what the butler meant. (I'm a first time reader of all ACD Holmes so I'll find out if I'm accurate later!)

First theory: Godfrey has ended up in an institution (maybe from PTSD after fighting in the war?) but everyone is hushing up about it because of the attitudes about mental health at the time.

Second theory: Godfrey ended up committing a crime and his "tour around the world" is actually him being on the run from the law.

[mariana-oconnor]

The Missing Three Quarter pt 2

Back to the rugby players.

It argues the degree in which I had lost touch with my profession that the name of Leslie Armstrong was unknown to me.

I told you Watson had forgotten all his medical knowledge. In the last story he didn't even prescribe brandy. smh

Yet even without knowing his brilliant record one could not fail to be impressed by a mere glance at the man, the square, massive face, the brooding eyes under the thatched brows, and the granite moulding of the inflexible jaw. A man of deep character, a man with an alert mind, grim, ascetic, self-contained, formidable—so I read Dr. Leslie Armstrong.

Obligatory reblog of Watson's horny descriptions. He's having a moment.

“I have heard your name, Mr. Sherlock Holmes, and I am aware of your profession, one of which I by no means approve.”

Sorry, Watson. Looks can be deceiving. Obviously we must immediately hate him for this point of view. It is demanded.

"At the present moment, for example, I should be writing a treatise instead of conversing with you.”

Oh fuck you and your self-important nonsense. A guy is missing. You're either a pompous arsehole or you're involved. Yeah, yeah. You're renowned throughout Europe.

“He is an intimate friend of mine.” “You are aware that he has disappeared?” “Ah, indeed!” There was no change of expression in the rugged features of the doctor.

Yeah, he knows something. Look, this guy is terrible. He's just the worst. I hate him. Godfrey has some terrible friends and a terrible relative. I hope he's run off somewhere with someone who appreciates him and cares about his interests and his well-being.

A pompous butler ushered us severely to the door, and we found ourselves in the street. Holmes burst out laughing.

I agree, he is ridiculous. Also how pompous must the butler be to be described as pompous after meeting that man?

“It's been out three hours,” said Holmes; “started at half-past six, and here it is back again. That gives a radius of ten or twelve miles, and he does it once, or sometimes twice, a day.” “No unusual thing for a doctor in practice.”

Watson, let's face it, you don't know what's usual for a doctor in practice. Your carriage went out in the middle of the night and didn't return for a week. You are an anomaly and should not be counted.

"I do not know whether it came from his own innate depravity or from the promptings of his master, but he was rude enough to set a dog at me. Neither dog nor man liked the look of my stick, however, and the matter fell through. Relations were strained after that..."

Were they? How unexpected. I've made all my best friends after they've threatened to set a dog on me and I've threatened to beat them with a stick. If you can't be friends after that, how do you even make friends at all?

"...but, now that I find he keeps so keen a look-out upon anyone who may follow him on these excursions, the affair appears more important, and I shall not be satisfied until I have made the matter clear.”

Doctor Armstrong is really bad at dealing with this all. I know Holmes has made admiring comments a few times, but really the man should have shown some concern over his 'intimate friend' going missing, and he shouldn't have piqued Holmes' interest about his carriage ride. He should have just gone someone entirely mundane that it would be completely reasonable for him to go multiple times a day, and left it at that.

"You are not familiar with Cambridgeshire scenery, are you? It does not lend itself to concealment. All this country that I passed over to-night is as flat and clean as the palm of your hand..."

Can vouch for this. Have driven through Cambridgeshire on numerous occasions. Very flat.

'Meanwhile, I can inform you that no spying upon me can in any way help Mr. Godfrey Staunton, and I am convinced that the best service you can do to that gentleman is to return at once to London and to report to your employer that you are unable to trace him.'

I assume from this that Godfrey doesn't want his uncle to find him. My best bet at this moment is that he's got a girlfriend his uncle wouldn't approve of, who is ill perhaps? idk. I'm clutching at straws right now.

“No, no, my dear fellow, there is no cause for alarm. It is not upon this occasion the instrument of evil, but it will rather prove to be the key which will unlock our mystery. On this syringe I base all my hopes."

Holmes, that statement really is not as reassuring as you think it is.

When we descended I followed Holmes into the stable yard, where he opened the door of a loose-box and led out a squat, lop-eared, white-and-tan dog, something between a beagle and a foxhound.

PUPPY!

And on the side of good? Watson's not going to have to shoot this one?

Who's the best boy in this story? Such a good boy, Pompey! Such a good boy.

I caught a glimpse of Dr. Armstrong within, his shoulders bowed, his head sunk on his hands, the very image of distress.

Ah, so he does have emotions other than arrogance. How unexpected.

A woman, young and beautiful, was lying dead upon the bed. Her calm, pale face, with dim, wide-opened blue eyes, looked upward from amid a great tangle of golden hair.

So I may not have been that far off the mark with a relationship that his uncle would not approve of with a sick woman.

“You are a good fellow,” said he. “I had misjudged you. I thank Heaven that my compunction at leaving poor Staunton all alone in this plight caused me to turn my carriage back, and so to make your acquaintance."

Nope, sorry. Still don't like you. I get you were a dick to try and protect your friend, good for you. Cool motive, still an arsehole. You can still be nice to people you're lying to. You don't have to be a dick. It might even help you throw them off the scent.

...or is it worse to be nice in order to manipulate people instead of just letting them know you're being an arsehole?

I guess he's not actually a terrible friend. He's just bad at acting. He might as well have put a sign on his forehead saying 'I am suspicious'.

"A year ago Godfrey Staunton lodged in London for a time, and became passionately attached to his landlady's daughter, whom he married. She was as good as she was beautiful, and as intelligent as she was good."

I'd like to register how impressed I am that 'intelligent' makes the list of her virtues at all, even if it is third. That is probably just my cynicism talking, though.

"But at last there came a terrible blow in the shape of dangerous illness to his wife. It was consumption of the most virulent kind."

Of course it was consumption. If a beautiful, kind young woman in this era died of a terrible illness it was always consumption.

Or brain fever, I guess.

"The result was that he came straight away in a state bordering on frenzy, and has remained in the same state, kneeling at the end of her bed, until this morning death put an end to her sufferings. That is all, Mr. Holmes, and I am sure that I can rely upon your discretion and that of your friend.”

Well this is just a very tragic story. And it might not even have been a story if Holmes had just told Dr Armstrong that he wasn't working for Godfrey's uncle in the first place. Although Dr Armstrong seemed determined to dislike him from the start.

Very sad. And Godfrey can't even tell his friends on the rugby team why he wasn't there without risking his uncle finding out.

But we got to meet Pompey, so that was a good thing. I hope he got lots of treats after working so hard.

[holmesillustrations]

Vote for your favourite, the top 9 will proceed in the bracket. Since theyre all different shapes and sizes, make sure to click into the full views!

Paget Eliminations

Other Artist Eliminations

Full captions and details for each illustration below the cut:

"The maid carried his supper to the stables." WH Hyde, Silver Blaze (Harper’s Weekly) Characters: Maid

[Swiss messenger lad] Harry C Edwards, Final Problem (McClure’s) Characters: Messenger

Colliers cover FD Steele, Black Peter (Collier’s) Characters: Holmes

"Sherlock Holmes examines the glasses." FD Steele, Abbey Grange (Collier’s) Characters: Holmes

"Before our prisoner had recovered his balance the door was shut and Holmes standing with his back against it." Arthur Twidle, Bruce-Partington Plans (The Strand) Characters: Holmes, Col Walter

"See!" she cried, "The miscreant follows still! There is the very man of whom I speak." FD Steele, Lady Frances Carfax (The American Magazine) Characters: Watson, Marie Devine, Hon. Phillip Green

"I heard him cock the gun, but i had got hold of it before he could fire." Frank Wiles, Valley of Fear (The Strand) Characters: Ted Baldwin, Douglas/McMurdo

"If I didn't dare things, mister, I wouldn't be in your service." FD Steele, His Last Bow (Collier’s) Characters: Holmes, Von Bork

[Interview with the clients] FD Steele, Creeping Man (Hearst’s International) Characters: Trevor Bennett, Edith Presbury, Watson, Holmes

"Shinwell Johnson's vivid black eyes were the only external sign of the very cunning mind within." JR Flanagan, Illustrious Client (Collier’s) Characters: Shinwell Johnson

"He sprang back when he saw that I was looking at him and vanished into the darkness." HK Elcock, Blanched Soldier (Strand) Characters: James Dodd, Godfrey Emsworth

"It was a head and a few bones of a mummy that must have been a thousand years old." FD Steele, Shoscombe Old Place (Liberty) Characters: Stephens (Butler), John Mason

[no-side-us]

Letters From Watson Liveblog - Dec. 4

The Blanched Soldier, Part 2 of 3

This line made me audibly laugh. I admittedly have never looked at cheese in the dark before, but I don't recall any cheese being particularly white enough to be used as a comparison here.

Holmes is narrating to us like we're Watson. "No doubt you've already pinpointed the most likely solution to the problem, my dear Wat- I mean, dear reader."

Godfrey's face has been compared to both cheese and a fish's belly, neither of which are things I think of when needing to describe something white. Also, why "bleached" instead of "blanched."

For fun, I think if Watson were there he would describe the scene as Holmes clumsily dropping his hat on the ground and taking a bit too long to pick it up. It'd also be written so the gloves are glossed over and ignored. "Holmes glanced readily at the hall-table, for what reason I could not grasp," etc., etc.

Props for writing what I think is a very believable excerpt from a Sherlock Holmes-authored monograph on ears.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

[mariocki]

The Saint: The Double Take (6.6, ITC, 1968)

"Now, Templar, please... You are very angry, yes?"

"That is an understatement."

"It will all be made good. You are here, now listen to me and sit down. I need something done, done urgently."

"Mr. Patroclos, let's get one thing straight. I very rarely do favours for the overprivileged - and never under pressure."

[godfrey-hath-forsaken-thee]

MY PLAY!!!

Strictly Professional

by Godfrey

Character Breakdown

Samantha McDermott: 45, she/her, businesswoman in Galway City, Ireland. She's bi, and a flustered disaster, but tries to appear well-put-together - even if she does have a bit of a temper.

Fiona Galvin: 42, she/her, also a businesswoman (though a less successful one) She is, funny enough, also a flustered bi disaster. She never quite managed to keep composure the way Samantha does, and she often gets emotional.

Amaya Nicholson: 29, she/her, Fiona's assistant. Sensible, practical and very clever. She's more than a little frustrated with her boss.

Frederick Walsh: 43, he/him, Samantha's assistant. Very classic-English-butler vibe about him. He's smooth as you like, and more than willing to go along with anything that'll work.

(Script under the cut, this may get expanded on in the future but idk)

Scene 1

We are in a meeting room, with a table and chairs in the middle of it. Successful businesswoman Samantha McDermott sits on one of these chairs, while her main corporate rival-slash-kind-of-aquaintance, Fiona Galvin, sits on the other. They are in the middle of a very heated argument, and Samantha and Fiona’s assistants, Frederick Walsh and Amaya Nicholson respectively, can only stand and watch, wondering what the hell their lives have come to.

Samantha: I’m telling you, Fiona, this strategy isn’t conducive to my business!

Fiona: Spoiler alert, Samantha, it’s not your business, it’s mine!

Samantha: If we’re going to do this, we need to do it properly.

Fiona: Well, excuse me!

Samantha gets up from her chair, wearing an ungainly scowl.

Samantha: (in that cold, deadly tone that’s somehow worse than her yelling) Don’t test me.

Fiona gets up too.

Fiona: (trying to sound braver than she is) I’ll test you all I like, thank you very much.

The two of them glare at each other, ice-cold fury in their eyes. The tension between them is palpable.

Amaya can’t stand this anymore.

Amaya: God, would the two of you shut up?!

Samantha and Fiona turn to Amaya. Fiona’s gaze lingers on Samantha for a moment longer.

There is a frosty silence.

Amaya: Now, let’s go over this one more time. The two of you are supposed to be signing the papers for a charity partnership, but you’re too caught up in this stupid, pointless rivalry the two of you have!

Samantha: It’s not pointless….

Fiona: (turns away and sulks)

Amaya: You could be a force for good in this world if you work together, but no! You had to get into this absurd turf-war over your clients!

Samantha: (pointedly) Well, maybe if Fiona here would actually tell me who her clients were, misunderstandings like the one that happened last week could be avoided-

Fiona: (jumps in) I was not responsible for-

Samantha: (raising her voice) It was literally your fault!

The two of them begin squabbling again.

Amaya: Let me finish! (silence for a moment) This has been going on for years, and I, for one, am sick and tired of it. You’re both mature adults, and it’s time you started acting like it.

Samantha and Fiona walk off, fuming.

Frederick: (turns to Amaya) I don’t see what’s so difficult about acting civil around each other.

Amaya: I know! I just don’t get it!

Frederick: We have to do something.

They both think for a moment.

Amaya: (brightens) What if we set them up on, like, a blind date?

Frederick: (intrigued) Oh?

Amaya: If they won’t co-operate by themselves, we’ll have to take matters into our own hands.

Frederick: Are you sure it’ll work? 

Amaya: (shrugs) No way to know unless we try. Now, where should we have them meet? 

Frederick: Oh - there’s an Italian restaurant in town.

Amaya: Consider that table booked.

Frederick and Amaya high-five, and walk off.

Scene 2

We are in an Italian restaurant. Romantic music and the smell of fresh pizza fills the air. 

Enter Samantha, stage right, and Fiona, stage left.

Samantha and Fiona look at each other in disbelief.

Samantha: Fiona?

Fiona: Samantha?

Both in unison: Oh, come on!

Fiona whips out her phone and calls her assistant, Amaya Nicholson, whom she knows is somehow behind this.

Enter Amaya, stage left, smiling in a very satisfied way.

Fiona: Amaya Nicholson, I swear to God, I am going to kill you!

Amaya: Surprise!

Fiona: You set me up on a blind date with my sworn enemy! What were you thinking?

Amaya: Just see how it goes! The two of you have a lot in common - an interest in business, a love of Celtic tradition, you’re both very successful-

Fiona: Are you kidding me? We hate each other’s guts!

Amaya: She’s a great person, once you get to know her. This could be fun for you!

Fiona: Now you listen here-

Amaya pretends that the phone line is breaking up.

Amaya: Oh no - I’m going through a tunnel - I have to go - goodbye.

Amaya hangs up the phone, and Fiona walks over to Samantha, who is sitting at a table. Fiona sits opposite her.

Samantha: (coldly, not making eye contact) Hello, Fiona.

Fiona: (nervously fixing her hair) Hello to you too, Samantha.

Samantha: So, your assistant set us up.

Fiona doesn’t respond for a few seconds. Her chin is resting on her hand as she looks dreamily at Samantha, admiring her in that red dress…

Samantha: (snaps fingers) Hey - Earth to Fiona, do you read me?

Fiona snaps out of her reverie at once, giving her head a swift shake.

Fiona: Guh - what? Sorry, sorry, I just... Yeah, no, that’s not on.

Samantha: I assume she thought it was going to make us like each other.

Fiona: (awkwardly) Haha, as if! No way, no sir! (to audience) What is wrong with me tonight?

Samantha: (sighs) Well, even if this goes as badly as we both know it’s going to, at least we get a free dinner out of it…

A waiter enters, stage right, looking very dignified.

Waiter: Are you ready to order, ladies?

Samantha: Ah - yes. I’ll have the pasta carbonara, please.

Fiona: Caesar salad for me, and a bottle of whatever you think’s drinkable in this joint.

Waiter: I’ll see to it. Oh - may I say, you make a wonderful couple!

Samantha chokes, turning away.

Fiona slams a hand onto the table.

Fiona: What?!

Waiter: Well, I’ve never been one to judge, and I just think it’s so nice to see love winning. Anyway, I should get on with your order…

The waiter walks off.

Samantha takes a deep breath, trying desperately to compose herself.

Fiona: What in the hell was any of that?

Samantha: (fighting back laughter) He- he thinks we- you and I - oh Lord…!

She bursts into a sudden fit of high, crisp laughter that is absolute music to Fiona’s ears. It lasts a few seconds, and then she gives a soft sigh.

Samantha: I’m sorry, it’s just, I never thought of things like that. I mean - I’m that way inclined…

Fiona: As am I-

Samantha: But I suppose I didn’t ever think we’d be mistaken for a couple, is all.

Fiona: Well, we certainly argue like one.

Samantha: We do. And we have meetings in places like this, apparently.

Fiona: Hey, just because it was my assistant that set this up, doesn’t mean this was my fault. Trust me, I’m as upset about this as you are.

Samantha: She’s right, though - this could be a chance for us to get to know each other better.

Fiona: Shut up.

Fiona leans across the table and gives Samantha a gentle shove.

As the evening goes on and the wine flows, Samantha and Fiona loosen up and actually start to get on with each other.

Samantha: (slowly) You know what, Fiona?

Fiona: What?

Samantha: I thought this was going to be an unmitigated disaster.

Fiona: That makes two of us…

Samantha: And, well, it… It would appear I was mistaken.

Fiona: (brightens considerably) Hang on. Did I hear that right?

Samantha: Oh, now, don’t you even start…

Fiona: (over-the-top voice of reverence) The high and mighty Samantha McDermott-

Samantha: We are not-

Fiona: Who can do no wrong-

Samantha: (gives a loud, vocal sigh)

Fiona: Has admitted defeat?

There is a pause. 

Samantha has never dealt well with that word.

Samantha: (tone dripping with sarcasm)  Well. You would certainly know defeat when you saw it, wouldn’t you? 

Fiona: (mocking sweetness) And what, pray tell, is that supposed to mean?

Samantha: Only that your company and my company have been at each other’s throats for as long as either of us can remember, and you’ve never once managed to get ahead of me. 

Now it’s Fiona’s turn to be uncomfortable - in this, as in damn near everything else, they’re pretty much evenly matched.

Fiona: Now, now, there’s no need to address this here-

Samantha: Oh, but there is.

Fiona does not like the look of this conversation.

So she pulls her best card.

She gives a sultry smile.

Fiona: If you don’t stop talking, right now, I’ll have to shut you up with my lips.

Samantha draws back, shocked. 

She is, to put it bluntly, a flustered mess, and her face makes it crystal clear.

After all, Fiona is rather pretty…

Samantha: You- You…! 

Fiona: Go on. Say it. Hit me with your best!

Samantha: You… bad person! 

She gets up and takes her phone out of her bag, walking off.

Samantha: (furiously) Frederick, bring the car, I’m going home.

The waiter returns with the cheque.

Waiter: (notices Samantha’s empty chair) Ah. Rough night?

Fiona: Don’t.

[idiotwithanipad]

The Return Of The Rat (Pt2)

Amy (My OC) finds out about a new guest at the hotel who has no right to come back, especially after what his past self had tried to do, and what he lied about. Along the way, discovering new, frightening things about herself.

(TW: Implied Child Abuse, Scars, Paranoia)

The singing birds outside the windows stirred the Tudor’s head from his sleep. His eyes cracked open and blinked a few times to adjust to the abrasive sunlight. Remarkably, as his eyes flicked over towards the four post bed, he realised that his detached body remained there, all through the night. 

Its cloak still rested atop the young girl, still sleeping. It seemed that the body came to life shortly after its head did, the slumped shoulders straightened as it sat up straight and stood up. 

“Psst! Oi! Over ‘ere!” Humphrey whisper shouted to his bumbling body.

It seemed as though today was the day for surprises, as the body turned to face him still lying in the small chair by the window. It approached and bent down to retrieve its head, wedging it back into its shoulders with a click.

Humphrey flexed his jaw and held his hands out for balance at first, but the vertigo soon passed. He approached Amy, still sleeping soundly on her side, about to wake her. But he couldn’t bring himself to stir her when he noticed the peaceful state she was in.

He gave a soft smile and turned slowly on his heel to leave the room, still acting as though one misstep would cause a floorboard to creak and risk waking her. He passed through the East Wing bedroom door and stepped down the corridor idly.

In the reception area, some staff were already at work, typing at the computer at the front desk, fluffing the cushions on the lobby sofas, dusting slightly with cloths.

“Ah! Mooorning” Humphrey greeted with a happy wave. He knew they couldn’t see him, or hear him, but he still liked to show manners for the livings taking such good care of the building; to think, just a few years ago, the place was on the brink of collapsing.

If there was one thing Humphrey could look back on his life and take pride of, it was the fact that he never mistreated or abused any servants employed the estate as an adult. Even as a boy he would sneak bread and cuts of meat from the dinner table and bring them to the servant’s quarters for them to eat. 

A young stable boy, probably a year or two older than Humphrey at the time, would try to hide whenever the young nobleman would pass. But in time, the two boys struck up a secret bond, often running about the stables and climbing the orchard trees. The pair took childish delight in their names being similar; Humphrey and Godfrey.

After Humphrey would finish off his daily teachings, he would sneak away to the kitchen to snag a couple of tarts from Cook while her back was turned and flee to the stables. Godfrey almost looked shellshocked every time Humphrey snuck him something from the kitchen. 

But one day, they were caught out. Both boys sitting steadily in an apple tree in the orchard, laughing at a crow as it bathed itself clumsily in the lake. One of the butlers had approached furiously and stomped his shoe into the soil.

“Godfrey! What on God’s green earth are you playing at, boy?!” 

The two boys spun their heads and looked down at the furious butler, Godfrey stuttering and trembling as he descended the tree.

“T’was only a jape, sir…” Young Godfrey tried to reason, his freckled face arching low in shame.

“It was my idea, Terrance” The young nobleman piped up, readily descending the tree himself. The butler switched his vision to Humphrey, almost flabbergasted.

“Young Master Bone. Return to your father at once!”

Before young Humphrey could muster an apology to Godfrey, the butler, who’s aging face now grimaced in furry and took on the appearance of a twisted root, gripped Godfrey about the wrist and dragged him back to the stables.

Humphrey was punished that day too, his nose wouldn’t stop bleeding for an hour, but that mattered little to him. Unfortunately, Humphrey would never see poor Godfrey again, and neither did he find out what became of him. Though he feared the worst. Since then, Humphrey vowed to himself that no butler, nor servant, nor stable hand would be mistreated during his nobility; each would be well fed, each would have access to lengthy breaks and each would be payed weekly.

Even in death he remained the same. Congratulating and praising even the most trivial things; it could be someone placing down a set of cutlery, and he'd give it a round of applause. 

A young staff member approached a table and set down a vase of fresh flowers, Humphrey watched as she mopped her slightly sweaty brow from the morning warmth. 

"Ooh, these are lovely. Brightens up the place, 'dun it?" Humphrey smiled to the woman who never looked at him and who walked back from whence she came. 

He watched as a banner was erected above the fireplace. 

'Bake sale for charity'

Humphrey rose his eyebrows curiously; this would cause a lot of chatter amongst the group for sure. He just hoped he could stay whole for the day. 

Speaking of which, where were they all? The Tudor turned briskly and headed through the house. Unsurprisingly, his ghostly friends remained jammed in the Ball Room discussing which summer activity was best. Humphrey cleared his throat, hoping they'd notice his arrival. 

Their chattering stopped as they each turned to look at Humphrey, their faces beaming in surprise. 

"Humphrey, you're whole again!" Kitty smiled joyfully. 

"Ah, Humphrey. Good to see you back on your shoulders" Cap grinned; the two had often joked that instead of saying 'back on your feet', it would probably be more appropriate in Humphrey's case to say 'back on your shoulders' for obvious reasons. 

Humphrey gave a mocking flutter of his wrist. 

"Did it all by me'self an' all" He boasted with a cheeky grin. 

"Good on ya', mate. Eh- Amy didn't help at all?" Pat chirped. 

"No, no. She's 'aving a lay-in. She's still in her room asleep. First time she's slept all week" Humphrey replied. Fanny gasped and practically staggered back. 

"What?! Still sleeping at this hour? It's almost eight o'clock! A lady should rise early!" She barked. You could practically hear everyone's eyes roll at her comment. 

Robin perked up and huffed, mischief blooming on his face. He rose from his spot on the floor and scampered over to the wall, about to pass through. 

"Ah! Don't you dare" Humphrey pointed. 

Robin froze in his spot and growled in irritation before plodding back over to where he had sat. Humphrey lowered his arm and nodded. 

"Thank you... Anyway, d'you know there was a bake sale goin' on down there?" Humphrey asked, tossing his thumb over his shoulder, gesturing to the door. 

The group looked amongst each other happily, and Kitty rushed out immediately to get to the Reception. Everyone sped after Kitty to see the display of cakes, but Robin approached Humphrey casually. 

"You know... Might want wake up Stompy before she wake up herself" The caveman said, wincing slightly. 

"Why? She's been knackered lately" Humphrey explained. Robin leaned closer. 

"I remember time when daughter of mine, Pin, she get scared because I got scratch on arm from fight. She wake up and cry because she think I not there, she think I die and go away" Robin explained, pulling down the furry covering at his elbow just enough to show a faded yet very deep scar running down the length of his forearm. 

"After 'doption day thing, she might think you really go-..." Robin finished with a flourish of his hands up to the sky. Humphrey's eyes followed Robin's hands upwards before realizing what he meant. 

"Yeah-yeah you're probably right actually..." Humphrey agreed. 

Robin gave a slight nod and patted Humphrey on the shoulder as he passed, slipping through the wooden door and out into the hallway. Humphrey decided to save some time and pass through the walls to get back to the East Wing. Amy still lie on her side, asleep with the hood over her head. Peaceful as ever. Humphrey hated having to wake her up, but what Robin had said made him begin to second guess himself and avoid anymore stress for Amy. 

He petted her hooded head softly and whispered. 

"Amy? Poppet? Time to wake up now". Amy stretched her curled legs out and cracked her eyes open. She grimaced at the sunlight which bounced off the wall behind Humphrey. 

"Ugh...fuck sunlight..." She groaned as she rubbed at her eyes. 

"Come on, rise and shine" Humphrey mused, patting her shoulder. Amy sat up and pulled the hood down from her head sloppily. She glanced over at Humphrey, quickly registering the fact that the Tudor was now attached again. 

"Oh shit. You're whole again?" Amy smiled, dropping her legs off the side of the bed, her four inch platforms swinging above the floor. Humphrey smiled and stood back. 

"I know. He came back last night and ACTUALLY stayed. Makes a change. Anyway, he picked me up and put us back together, so...ta-da" Humphrey mused. 

Amy got down from the bed and headed over to him. 

"Makes a change for you to wake me up" Amy smiled. 

The two made their way downstairs to watch the livings place trays of muffins and cakes onto the tables. Everyone else had already flocked around a chocolate lava cake. 

"Fuck yeah, they got Red Velvet!" Amy gasped, heading over to a lone table in the corner. Her mouth practically watered at the smell of it. It was her second favourite type of cake, the first being an old fashioned Cherry Bakewell tart. It HAD to be Mr Kipling, or I just didn't hit the same. 

Humphrey headed over to the table behind Amy and stared at the delicious looking frosting. 

"I bet if I were a cake, I'd look like that one" Humphrey smiled. Amy let out a breathy laughs and glanced over at him. 

"You would. I'd probably be an out of date bagel" She commented on herself. 

Some loud chatter came from beyond the windows, two men. Humphrey turned to see what the fuss was about and noticed a pedestrian assisting another to parallel park. The man's voice was loud, authoritive, yet meek. Humphrey could've sworn he'd heard a voice like that before. 

The rest of the room's chatter and glee faded away as he ventured towards the window, his eyes fixed on the man beckoning the driver to reverse a little more. That voice, he knew it. 

"Wish you could've tried- Humphrey?" Amy began, quickly noticing the Tudor's absence and spotting him by the window, looking outside. Amy walked over and stood beside him, also catching eye of the two men. 

"What's up? They making a pig's ear or that parking?" Amy asked, mostly to see if they in fact WERE making a pig's ear of it, but also to avert Humphrey's focused and sullen gaze from the bearded man now motioning for the motorist to stop.

"No- it's just-...I could've sworn I'd heard that voice before..." He replied, never averting his eyes from the man. 

"I remember that tone, that shout...". 

Amy narrowed her eyes in confusion and concern, fixing her gaze onto the man now moving away from the car and towards the door. 

Humphrey stepped around Amy and approached the man, his eyes scanning every detail of his face, searching. 

Amy watched as Robin also rose his face from a tray of jam tarts and began sniffing at the air. He turned to face the man also, his nostrils flaring as he stepped beside Humphrey. 

"You recognize 'im?...He seems familiar..." Humphrey asked. Robin squinted and jutted his jaw. 

"Dunno. But, smells familiar. Caught that scent long time ago, but- can't put finger on it"

It was only after the other man, the one driving the car, had entered the Reception, did Humphrey put two and two together. The two men began talking again, and the familiar voice rang clearer than a church bell right above his head. 

His face whitened as he took a few steps back, Robin watched as the Tudor backed up and passed by Amy. 

"Humphrey, what is it? You look like-" Amy began, before Humphrey's hand clutched at her's and began to tug her away from the stranger. 

"Woah, woah, hey! What's going on?" Amy barked. Humphrey swallowed and tightened his fingers around Amy's slight wrist. 

"C'mon- back to your room, Poppet. Now" Humphrey muttered, his eyes still fixed on the idle man. 

Amy looked back to Robin, but the caveman looked just as confused as her. 

"Humphrey, WHAT is going on-?"

"Your room, now" Humphrey spoke, authorative and stern, a huge change from what was the norm for him. 

Amy knew when to shut up and listen, and reluctantly turned her back to Robin and the cake trays and headed back up the stairs towards the East Wing, Humphrey following close behind, peering over his shoulder every second.