#Going... I think i just got bad things from adhd. Shit work memory/for names/dates and struggle to concentrate for long

[mrfoox]

Kinda wish I had more adhd traits in me but alas... I love people with adhd they are my fave...

[inevitably-johnlocked]

You've probably seen me and my asks/reposts/reblogs a few times and if not I mean- Anyways! I'm craving some BAMF! John content bc who wouldn't want that in their life? Also- I really love all that you do for the fandom and your followers. (I was an old Nonny who spoke about being asexual. I was wrong and I mean it happens-) But yeah you are super duper amazing and I hope one day I can do the same for others

Hey Lovely! <3

Aww, it’s okay to change your labels when figure out who you are (I certainly have)! I have a lot of asks from ace nonnies, so I’m not sure which one is yours, hahah. That said, don’t feel bad for identifying as one thing until recently... it’s normal. <3

Ah, yes, we all love a badass mother-fuckin’ John!! I’ve only done one list related to it, so I’ll link to it below :) As always, I encourage everyone to add their own fics to the list below!

Thank you for your kind words, and I hope you enjoy what I’ve got for you! <3

BAMF and/or SOLDIER JOHN

See also: BAMF! But Insecure John

Idiot by Anesthesiologist (T, 1,229 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, TGG AU, BAMF John, Sherlock Whump, Inner Monologue, John Saves Sherlock, POV Sherlock) – What the heck happened? He remembered the pool and Moriarty, but then what? Had he been dying?

Shooter by Amputation (K+, 1,406 w. || Post-TRF, Suspense, BAMF!John) – The men were trying to rile the other into acting first, it seemed. How boringly predictable and dull this was!

The 3x John Carried Sherlock, and Once ViceVersa by ShinkonoKokoro (K+, 1,673 w., 1 Ch. || Fluff, Friendship, Three and One, BAMF John, Sherlock Whump, Worried Sherlock, John Gets Shot) – It happens more than he suspects.

In Which John is a BAMFy MoFo, OMG! by Kantayra (T, 1,835 w., 1 Ch. || Humour) – John's BAMFness and Sherlock's damsel-in-distress act are caught forever on camera. So Scotland Yard can mock. A lot.

Coming Full Circle by KCS (K+, 2,358 w., 1 Ch. || Alternate TGG, Friendship, Drama, Violence/Death References, Drugging/Poisoning, Kidnapping, BAMF John, Moriarty POV, Introspection) – Moriarty had John for almost six hours between his abduction and the showdown at the pool - more than enough time to implement a Plan B for his escape should Sherlock call his bluff with the fake bomb vest.

Butterfly, Pinned Under Glass by billiethepoet (E, 4,648 w., 1 Ch. || Possessive Sherlock, Jealousy, Barebacking, BAMF!John) – It started as a desire to keep John safe and whole, and ended up as just desire.

Stranded by BeautifulFiction (T, 5,798 w., 1 Ch. || First Kiss, Communication / Relationship Discussion, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock POV, BAMF John, Doctor John, Case Fic, Drinking, Huddling For Warmth, Friends to More) –  When stranded on a derelict barge at high tide, John and Sherlock reconsider their friendship.

The Death of Doubt by Gingerhermit (E, 6,584 w., 1 Ch. || Alternate Canon, BAMF John, POV Sherlock, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Hurt/Comfort, Angst/Drama, Meddling Mycroft) – Mycroft asks for John’s help in rescuing Sherlock from his Serbian captors.

High and Tight, Soft and Loose by cwb (E, 7,429 w., 1 Ch. || Jealous John, Miscommunications / Misunderstandings, First Kiss / Time, BAMF John, Insecure Sherlock, Clueless Sherlock, POV John, Embarrassed John, Adorable Sherlock, Junk Size, UST / RST) – John pressed the knuckle of his index finger against his mouth and sighed. “So, you're coiled like a spring and ready to be ... sprung?” “If you want to be pedestrian about it, yes.” “Like I said, you should do something about that.” “And like I said, pedestrian. What would you have me do? Take up jogging? Yoga? Oh! Unless you mean –” “I don't mean anything. Let’s drop it.”

I'm Pretty Sure This Changes Shit by cwb (E, 7,672 w., 1 Ch. || Fluff, Cudding, Doctor/Patient, Accidents, Pining Sherlock, Blow Jobs, Oral / Anal, BAMF John, Minor Injuries, Dev. Rel.) – Sherlock finds increasingly ridiculous ways to get John to patch him up after hurting himself.

Every Night I Look for You by destinationtoast (E, 8,377 w., 1 Ch. || POV John, Post-TRF, Angst, Mystery, Unsafe Sex, BAMF John) – Every night, John looks for familiar hints of Sherlock in the men he meets in bars, and he does with them all the things he wishes he’d done before. Eventually, he stumbles into a situation that Sherlock would know how to handle, and John must decide whether he can handle it without him.

Made for You by Raxicoricofallapatorious (K, 8,440 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Sci-Fi, Androids) – When John was shot in the shoulder he was decommissioned and his memory and personality was wiped. Sherlock was given the blank droid and he quickly learns that this droid is more than it seems. John just so happened to come back and no one can fathom how or why. Johnlock if you squint.

Matters of National Security by mistyzeo (E, 8,465 w., 1 Ch. || BAMF John, Doctor John, Jealous Sherlock, Dating, Bisexuality, Arguing, Stupidity, Teasing, First Kiss/Time, Hand Jobs, Frottage, RST, Idiots in Love) – John starts dating a male client of Sherlock's, and Sherlock can't figure out why he's so incensed about it.

Stay Awake by pandoras_chaos (E, 9,325 w., 1 Ch. || BAMF!John, First Time, Angst, Pining Sherlock, Rimming, Oral/Anal) – Sherlock can feel the tenuous threads of this conversation shuddering under the strain of all the unspoken words. His eyes narrow as he gazes up at John, noting the residual tension in his shoulders, the dark circles under his lower lids, and the way he is avoiding Sherlock’s eyes like a bi-polarized magnet. He knows John Watson inside and out, like the perfectly balanced coils and gears of a beautifully balanced grandfather clock, and yet John keeps surprising him. It’s uncanny, the way he keeps on being so utterly and wonderfully unpredictable.

John Watson’s Moon by patternofdefiance (E, 11,314 w., 1 Ch. || Werewolf John, First Time, BAMF John, First Time, Anal, Fleeting Depictions of Violence) – Sherlock finds out John is a werewolf and wants to see the transformation. It, uh, gets really kinky.

The Red Dianthus by kinklock (T, 11,382 w., 3 Ch. || Supernatural Elements, BAMF!John, Misunderstandings, Fluff, Romance, Halloween, Dev. Rel., Case Fic) – The boys investigate a mysterious disappearance in a supposedly haunted house, and get much more than they bargained for.

The Hand You're Dealt by Lady Sam Mallory (T, 12,092 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Light Violence, BAMF John, Doctor John, Injury, Friendship) – Sherlock, John and several others are trapped in a building when an explosion disrupts the crime scene they are working.

Fear Itself by KCS (K+, 12,289 w., 3 Ch. || Suspense, Friendship) – John is accustomed to being kidnapped by now, but he never expected a criminal to adopt Mycroft's method of doing so, to ensure he comes along without a fight.

To be loved by Strange_johnlock (E, 12,436 w., 8 Ch. || Post S3, Established Relationship, First Person POV Sherlock, Pet Names, Soft Sherlock, Mild ADHD, Protective John, Captain Watson, Body Appreciation, Bottomlock, Rough Sex, Travelling for Holidays, Introspection, Sherlock Loves John So Much It Hurts) – John is so deeply integrated into the work, both as my conductor of light, and as a great shot with a vicious right hook who tackles men -and women- no matter their size all in my defense. He protects me with all he can without question, and this loyalty is surely more than I deserve. Or: Sherlock is counting his blessings.

On The Fence by BeautifulFiction (T, 13,770 w., 1 Ch. || Fencing, Case Fic, First Kiss, Insecure John, Pining John, Hug, Greg Finds Out) – The murder of the King's College fencing champion leads to revelations about Sherlock's past. Will it be the point that tips them from friends to lovers, or will they remain on the fence?

The Acronym by DancingGrimm (T, 15,057 w. || Humour) – "'Bee Ay Em Eff'. Hm, that's a new one on me. Do you know what it means, Sherlock?" John might not know what it means, but there are many little ways in which he proves the acronym suits him.

I Will Take Care Of You by SailorChibi (T, 16,664 w., 15 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Sick Sherlock, BAMF John, BAMF Lestrade, Reunion Fic) – Two years after Sherlock's death, John comes to find him on the sofa. Wounded and ill, Sherlock is convinced he's hallucinating and refuses to share any details about Moran or the fact that Mycroft has been compromised. That doesn't stop John from stepping up and taking care of the last of Moriarty's web, BAMF-style.

Hope for Heroes by Richefic (K+, 16,887 w., 5 Ch. || Post-TGG Fic, Introspection / Flashbacks, Friendship/Epic Bromance, Hurt/Comfort, Worried/Anxious Sherlock, Sherlock Admires John, BAMF John, John Deduces, Fancy Party, John’s Self Esteem, Domestics) – In the final moments of "The Great Game" Holmes hopes he will have the chance to tell his flatmate that he was wrong. Heroes do exist after all and the one in front of him is called Dr John Watson.

Traitor's Gate by roane (E, 17,714 w., 6 Ch. || Post-TRF, Case Fic, Mystery, Bets and Wagers, Undercover for a Case, BAMF John, Scientist Sherlock, Teasing, Established Relationship, Military Base, Sexting/Texting, Military/Uniform Kink, Frottage, Dirty Sex, Anal, Bottomlock) – John and Sherlock go undercover at a top secret government lab to find out who is selling research. John is back in uniform and Sherlock is back in a laboratory, but they have to pose as strangers. Sherlock thinks he'll have an easy time of it, but John has his doubts. It's up to them to find out who is responsible for putting a dangerous weapon in the wrong hands, and try to keep their hands off each other at the same time.

5 Times John Got the Girl (and lost her) and 1 Time John Got the Guy (and kept him) by LiviKate (M, 21,695 w., 6 Ch. || 5 and Ones, Kissing, Oblivious / Awkward Sherlock, BAMF / Sexy / Stud John, Embarrassed John, John’s Scar, Hurt/Comfort, Jealous Sherlock) – John has always had good luck with the ladies. He's charming, friendly and funny, not to mention great in bed. However, his usual skill with the opposite sex is constantly being thwarted by Sherlock and his outbursts. How will John ever get a leg over when Sherlock is always cockblocking him?

Knotted by naughtyspirit (E, 23,166 w., 4 Ch. || UST/URT, Cuddling, Sharing Body Heat, Confessions, Kissing, Mastrubation, Frustration, BAMF!John) – John has to cancel a date because of Sherlock's case, which leads them to be tied up in a basement from which they have to escape. They get wet, get tied up close and John has to step up and save them. Because he's pretty. And hot. And just a little bit of a BAMF.

Maintaining A Personal Life by Gingerhermit (E, 24,284 w., 6 Ch. || Alternating POV’s, Bisexuality, BAMF!John, Jealous Sherlock, Romance / Drama, Sort-of Case Fic, Peril & Angst, Love Confessions, Toplock, Soft Idiots in Love, Post S3) – Sherlock and John discover some interesting revelations about each other’s sexuality, which lead them both to question the assumptions they've made about one another for years. In the midst of their mutual discoveries, a dangerous psychopath looms on the side-lines who threatens to destroy their new beginning.

Invisible by chappysmom (K+, 25,947 w., 11 Ch. || No Slash, semi-canon compliant) – John had had the knack for as long as he could remember. It wasn’t that he could become invisible, exactly. The laws of physics worked quite well in his vicinity, thank you very much. It was just that people tended … not to see him. {{This was one of the first AU’s I read, and I still love it to this day}}. SEQUELS: Still Invisible (ASiB) || Too Visible (THoB) || Invisible Once More (TRF)

And A Doctor by StillWaters1 (T, 27,393 w., 6 Ch. || Friendship, Doctor John, Whump, Soldier / Doctor Dichotomy, Five and One) – It was only when people actually saw John working as a physician that they began to understand: that it wasn't just about bullets and IEDs and trauma care under fire. That "doctor" actually covered a pretty wide field. And that John was bloody good at covering ground. 5 times Dr. Watson treated others and 1 time he treated himself.

26 Pieces by Lanning (E, 28,236 w., 1 Ch. || H/C, Torture, First Time, Happy Ending, Schmoop, Past Abuse) – Mycroft gives Sherlock the apparently simple task of solving a puzzle box containing a stolen microchip. It isn't simple.

Hellfire by testosterone_tea (E, 28,596 w., 9 Ch. || Fantasy / Magic / Mages / Elementals AU || Mage Sherlock, Elemental John, Developing Relationship, Torture, Powerful / BAMF John, POV Alternating, Dark / Blood Magic, UST, First Kiss) – Sherlock is a Mage that gets involved with a case involving Dark Summoning rituals, leading him to John Watson, a man with Berserker blood. The only thing is, Berserkers have been extinct for centuries. And of course, nothing involving Mycroft and his interfering ways is ever simple. This time, even Sherlock may have bitten off more than he can chew.

To Mend Icarus by AlessNox (T, 29,186 w., 14 Ch. || Post-TRF, Friendship, Drama, BAMF!John, Emotional Turmoil, Introspection, Harry is in this Fic, Angry John, Happy Ending, Queerplatonic Relationship) – After a case lands John Watson in court, he tells Sherlock that he is leaving. Not understanding why, Sherlock decides that the only way to learn the truth is to investigate his flatmate, Dr. John Watson. A revision of the story Mending Icarus.

A Study In Auto-Signatures, Sniper Dolphins, and Sex Holidays by cwb (E, 32,689 w., 8 Ch. || Case Fic, Post S3, Evil Mary, Dev. Rel., Beach Holidays, Confused Sherlock, Friends to Lovers, Honeymoon, Epistolary, Bottomlock, First Kiss / Time, Fluff, Secret Agents, BAMF!John) – John and Mary go on their sex holiday, and Sherlock is grumpy and pining about it. Part 1 of HOT DOLPHIN SEX

The Wrong Wagon by DancingGrimm (E, 35,663 w., 20 Ch. || Alternating POV, Molly/  John [Molly pines for John], Public Sex, Casual Sex, Obliviousness, BAMF!John, Awkwardness, Angst & Humour, First Time, Virgin Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock) – Molly sees John in a new light and realises that she may have hitched her horse to the wrong wagon...or something like that. John pines for Sherlock and worries what he will think if he ever finds out. And Sherlock doesn't know what Molly's up to...but he knows he doesn't like it.

we have never seen a greater day than this by Lediona (T, 36,420 w., 7 Ch. || A Royal Night Out AU || WWII / VE Day, Prince Sherlock, Soldier John, Alternating POV, First Kiss, Bittersweet Ending, Homophobia, Dancing) – Peace. At long last. It’s VE Day and Prince William desires to join the celebrations. It is a night of excitement, danger and the first flutters of romance.

A Week is Just Seven Days Isn't It? by scifigrl47 (T, 39,906 w., 4 Ch. || Humour, Friendship/Bromance, Stroppy/Bored Sherlock, Undercover/Army John, Texting, Pining-ish Sherlock, John Whump) – When John heads overseas for a week, Sherlock's forced to fend for himself. It goes about as well as anyone could have anticipated. Which is to say, very, very poorly. Don't worry, things'll be fine in just seven days.

Right Hand Man by SilentAuror (E, 42,031 w., 4 Ch. ||  H/C, Injury, Slow Burn) – When John's left arm becomes paralysed after a car accident, Mary asks Sherlock to take him back to Baker Street to recuperate, as she's about to give birth. Despite the fact that the search for Moriarty is ongoing, Sherlock takes John in and takes responsibility for overseeing his rehabilitation as he adjusts to the loss of his arm.

Guidelines by WithLoweredVoices (M, 43,018 w., 15 Ch. || Winglock || Angels, Fantasy, Angst, BAMF! John, War, Jealous Sherlock, Possessive Sherlock, Jealous John, Falling in Various Ways, Needy Sherlock, Wings) – The Good Soldier, one of the oldest and strongest of the fallen, is offered a bargain: to live as John Watson and to Guide a fledgling archangel so that he will stay on the path of good. Of course, Sherlock Holmes has different ideas about his destiny. Fantasy AU. Warnings for violence, occasional gore, and a whole load of hurt and angst.

Left by lifeonmars (M, 45,153 w., 9 Ch. || Magical Realism, BAMF!John, Slow Burn) – John Watson is left-handed. He’s tried not to let it affect his life, but as any Lefty knows, that’s almost impossible.

Impossible to Feign by achray (M, 49,204 w., 12 Ch. || TRF Rewrite / Reverse Reichenbach, Suicidal Ideations / Discussions, Drug Use/Abuse, Mutual Pining, Friends With Benefits, John Accepts his Sexuality, Anxious Sherlock, Meddling Mycroft, Depression, Hallucinations, Secret Agent John, BAMF John, Reunion, Make-Up Sex, Ambiguous Ending) – Sherlock leant forward, his long fingers curving round to grip John’s.“I won’t let him win,” he said, eyes hard. “I will do whatever it takes to get you out.”

Coventry by standbygo (E, 52,020 w., 26 Ch. || Dollhouse AU || Case Fic, Slow Burn, Sci-Fi / Fantasy, First Kiss / Time, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, BAMF John, Falling in Love) – “Let me get this straight,” John said, wondering when his life had become a science fiction film. “Some guy orders up a personality, a person, to his specifications, and they program this into a real live person, who has consented to do this, and she goes to this person and acts as his wife, or lawyer, or Royal Marine, or Navy Seal or what have you, and she has all the skills, all the knowledge, everything? Then you say the magic words, and she follows you back to The House, and they erase it all until her next appointment?”

Albion and the Woodsman by Glenmore (NR [E], 54,437 w., 50 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post S3, Parentlock, Pining Sherlock, Angst, Family, Drug Use, Depression, Sherlock POV, Light Humour, Reconnecting, Declarations of Love) – Sherlock and John are devastated after Mary Morstan makes her final moves. Sherlock relapses at the crack house, John walks around the world … and a lot happens in between. Parentlock, in the good way.

Wars We Fought, Things We're Not by blueink3 (M, 55,204 w., 10 Ch. || Post S3 / Post TAB, Parentlock, Fluff & Angst, Kidnapping, Whump, Post-TAB, UST/URT, 3G, Mild Peril, Slow Burn, Couple for a Case, Protective Mycroft, Infant Death Pre-Story, Friends to Lovers) –  Five months after John's world has fallen apart, Mycroft sends the consulting detective and his doctor on a case that neither is prepared for.

A Hundred Crimson Sols by elldotsee (E, 55,536 w., 16 Ch. || Astronauts AU || Mars Exploration / Space Travel, Slow Burn, Shy Sherlock, Scientist Sherlock / Biomed Engineer John, Alternating POV, Mutual Pining, UST, Angst with Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Injuries, Suicidal Ideation, Zero-G Sex) – Will Holmes is a chemical researcher recognized widely for his contributions to the new Mars exploration program. Thanks to his ground-breaking developments, the IMMC (International Mars Mission Corporation) is one step closer to Martian colonization. Will and his team of scientists are headed out on the first of three manned missions before the first group of settlers arrive. Three days before launch, one of the crew has to be replaced. Will panics because...new people. The replacement is of course one John Watson, biomedical engineer and space hottie who was pretty sure he had retired from actual space exploration and was now content to work in the nice, quiet research lab. Can the crew survive this TOTALLY ROUTINE trip? Will they be able to endure each other for the looooooong trip in close quarters? Gonna be a wild ride... prepare for blast off. Part 1 of SpaceBois go to Space

The Thing Is by TSylvestris (E, 56,743 w., 21 Ch. || Case Fic, Dev. Rel., Anal/Oral, Blow Jobs, Meddling Mycroft, Drama, Romance, Humour, Casual Encounters, Pining Idiots, Possessive Sherlock, Orgasm Delay, Rough / Alley Sex, Public Sex, John Whump, Drugged John, Emotional Love Making, Awkward Relationship, Marriage of Convenience, Switchlock, BAMF John) – The problem with living with Sherlock, John thought, was that you never, never, ever knew the significance of anything. Like your flatmate's nose buried in your hair. Whilst you're in bed. Part 1 of Nitroglycerine

The Burning by SrebrnaFH (M, 60,658 w., 24 Ch. || Reverse Reichenbach, Suicide, Depression, Hurt Sherlock / John, Separation, BAMF John, Good Big Brother Mycroft, Angst, Implied/Referenced Torture, Fake Character Death, Rescue Mission, Reconciliation / Reunion, Hospitalization, Marriage Proposal, Illnesses, Physical Therapy, Happily Ever After) – Something went very, very wrong. John had seemed, if not happy, then reasonably content with his life. Sherlock had never predicted something like THIS might have happened. Not in his worst nightmares. He was the lousiest friend ever, apparently. At least Mycroft found him something to occupy his mind with, so that he didn't have to go back to 221B and stare at the walls and the chair, where John Watson would never sit again.

Perdition's Flames by i_ship_an_armada (E, 63,435 w., 21 Ch. || Treklock AU, Est. Rel, Genetic Engineering, Angst & Fluff, BAMF!John) – Sherlock would do anything to save him. Risk anything. Give anything. His money, his life. His soul. What he does, though, is change both of their destinies forever. Genetic re-engineering is the only option left. It turns out researchers underestimated the life expectancy and potential abilities of genetically re-engineered subjects. The British government and what would eventually become the United Federation of Planets, however, had not. Part 1 of PF Universe

Hell Sent, Heaven Bound by ConsultingHound (M, 64,381 w, 16 Ch. || Angels / Demons AU ||  Fallen Angel Sherlock / Angel Cop John, Alternate First Meeting, Slow Burn, Case Fic, John & Lestrade are Friends Before Sherlock, BAMF John, Mind Palace John, Friends to Lovers, John in Denial, Sherlock Picks Out John’s Clothing, Clubbing / Dancing, Mildly Jealous John, Awkwardness, Kidnapping, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Sacrifice, Worried / Anxious Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Immortal to Mortal) – Ex-War healer and current angelic guard John Watson is not having the best day. He overslept, he’s underpaid, and now there’s someone tagging the Council’s building walls. However things may be about to get interesting: there’s an unusual stranger hanging around (the definition of tall, dark, and handsome), a literal underground cult is brewing, and rumblings are coming from hell. Can he keep his neighbourhood safe, how and why is he being connected to all this, and who the hell is Sherlock Holmes?

Watches 'Verse by bendingsignpost (E, 66,905 w. across 2 works || Magical Realism, Reality Distortion, Angst, Partial MCD, BAMF John) – First, he is shot in Afghanistan. Second, he wakes to a phone call in Chelmsford, Essex. Third is pain, fourth is normalcy, fifth is agony and sixth is confusion. By the eighth, he's lost track. (John-centric AU) Part 1 of Watches 'Verse

Being John Watson-ish by elwinglyre (E, 69,902 w., 17 Ch. || Bodysnatcher AU || Author John, Cranky Sherlock, Angst, Sexual Tension, First Kiss / Time, Falling in Love, BAMF John, Past Soldier John, Feelings, Inside Someone’s Brain, Shy Sherlock, Sherlock Loves John, POV Sherlock, Switchlock, Slow Burn, Internal Dialogue, Mental Turmoil) – When consulting detective Sherlock Holmes steps on one toe too many at a crime scene, he's consigned to a desk job in an archaic office on the seventh-and-a-half floor of the New Scotland Yard. It’s in this bleak office that Sherlock discovers a portal into the mind of renowned author John Watson. Grander than his mind palace, this new wonderland affords Sherlock new vistas of experimentation. To learn more about the mystery behind the portal, Sherlock seeks out and befriends Watson. But then it all goes wrong when others find the secret portal door—including the man whose brain he visits.

The Green Blade by verityburns (T, 72,929 w., 15 Ch. || Casefic, Bromance) – As a serial killer hits the headlines, the police are out of their depth and the next victim is out of time. With faith in Sherlock Holmes at an all time low, this is a case which will push loyalties to the limit...

Darkling, I Listen by You_Light_The_Sky (T, 73,254 w., 8 Ch. || Fairy Tale AU || Loosely Based on Beauty and the Beast, Magical Realism, Suicidal Themes, Romance, Creepiness, Adventure) – No one who enters old London ever comes out. They say that the beast devours them. When his sister disappears, John ventures into the dead zone beyond the wall, and finds a brilliant madman under a terrible curse... Part 1 of Darkling I Listen + Extras, Deleted Scenes

Summit Fever by J_Baillier (M, 78,802 w., 18 Ch. || Mountain Climber AU || POV John, Angst, Tragedy, Suicidal Ideation, The Himalayas, Mountain Guide / Doctor John, Mount Climber Sherlock, Loneliness, Drama, Suspense, Slow Burn, Injured Sherlock / Sherlock Whump, Pining John) – After graduating from medical school, John Watson followed his heart to the Himalayas. Ten years later, he's a haunted cynic working for his ex-lover's trekking and mountaineering company. Will leading an expedition to Annapurna I—the most lethal of all the world's highest mountains—shake John out of his reverie, and who is the mystery client added to the group at the last minute?

The Monument of Memory by J_Baillier (M, 79,663 w., 14 Ch. || Post S4 Fix It Fic / S4 is Canon, Angst, Family Drama, Guilt, Case Fic, John Loves Sherlock, Complicated Feelings, Mentalism / Hypnosis, Murder, Grieving John, Sherlock is a Bit Not Good, Team Work, Trust Issues, BAMF John, Psychological Trauma, Protective John, Autistic-Spectrum Sherlock, Parentlock, John POV) –  A genius traumatised by a past he's only beginning to recall. The psychopath sister that time forgot. A missing woman and a mentalist who may or may not be a murderer. And, in the middle of it all, stands John Watson.

Secrets and Revelations by Hisstah (E, 83,535 w., 9 Ch. || Sentinel / Guides Omegaverse AU || Adventure, Violence, Anal / Oral, Omega!John / Alpha!Sherlock, Case Fic, Politics, Mild DubCon) – Dr John Watson has some major secrets that he's kept from his flatmate, Alpha Sentinel Sherlock Holmes. Now the Sentinel Tower is after him. Can John stay out of their hands until he can reveal his secrets to Sherlock? Part 1 of Secrets and Revelations

Thermocline by J_Baillier (M, 83,557 w., 14 Ch. || Scuba Diving AU || Adventure, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Marine Archaeology, Asexual Sherlock, Horny John, Relationship Drama, Technical/Scuba/Wreck Diving, Slow Burn, Underwater /  Medical Peril, Doctor John, Hurt Sherlock, Anxious Sherlock, John POV, Protective John, Body Appreciation) – John "Five Oceans" Watson — technical dive instructor, dive accident analyst and weapon of mass seduction — meets recluse professor of maritime archaeology Holmes. As they head out to a remote archipelago off the coast of Guatemala to study and film its shipwrecks for a documentary, will sparks fly or fizzle out?

Northwest Passage by Kryptaria (E, 95,157 w., 27 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Canadian AU ||  BAMF!John, Canadian John, PTSD, Anal / Oral Sex, Rimming, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Drug Rehab, Falling in Love, Pining Sherlock, Love Confessions, Sherlock’s Violin, Panic Attacks, Switching, Anxious / Protective Sherlock, Hugs for Comfort, Suicide Mentions, Healing Each Other) – Seven years ago, Captain John Watson of the Canadian Forces Medical Service withdrew from society, seeking a simple, isolated life in the distant northern wilderness of Canada. Though he survives from one day to the next, he doesn't truly live until someone from his dark past calls in a favor and turns his world upside-down with the introduction of Sherlock Holmes." Part 1 of Tales from the Northwest

Given In Evidence by verityburns (M, 97,884 w., 19 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Angst, Drama, Case Fic, Romance, BAMF!John, Submissive Sherlock, First Kiss, Humour) – Coming back from the dead can be a complicated business. With a new case on the horizon, rebuilding a life is one thing... rebuilding a friendship quite another. For Sherlock and John, things may never be just the same...

Maintenance and Repair by patternofdefiance (E, 106,650 w., 71 Ch. || Future AU, Augmentation || Augmented John, Depression, Body Modification, Slow Burn, Worldbuilding, Sci-Fi, Self-Care, Body Dysmorphia) – John wants to explain the rush of sensation and data, which is just another form of sensation (or is it the other way around?). John wants to say: Augmentation circuits report temperature, pressure, various forms of quantitative input. Sudden changes are reported as pain, since sudden changes are dangerous, and pain is the quickest way to encourage reflexive extraction. But all John can manage is, “Nng.” Because this sudden touch is not reporting as pain. Part 2 of STATIC

Shatter the Darkness (Let the Light In) by MojoFlower (E, 109,683 w., 23 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Genie/Djinn AU || Magical Realism, Kidnapping, Genie Sherlock, First Kiss / Time, Case Fic, H/C, Angst, Clubs, John Whump, Mild DubCon, Hand / Blow Jobs, Torture) – Fairy tales are for those who remember how to dream; not John Watson, broken and hiding from his bleak future in a beige bedsit. But then he discovers a lamp and finds himself in the dangerous riptide of an enigmatic man whose very existence is unbelievable, murder charges against his sister, and the growing pains of feeling alive once more.

Two Two One Bravo Baker by abundantlyqueer (E, 114,574 w., 27 Ch. || Military AU || Afghanistan, War Story, Thriller, Switchlock, Rimming, Emotional Lovemaking, Lots of Sex, HJ/BJ’s) – Captain John Watson of 40 Commando, the Royal Marines, is assigned to protect and assist Sherlock Holmes as he investigates what appears to be a simple war atrocity in Afghanistan. An intense attraction ignites between the two men as they uncover a conspiracy that threatens everything they’ve ever known, but Sherlock is as much hunted as hunter, and everyone close to him is in deadly danger. Can he solve the case in time to save himself and John? Part 1 of Two Two One Bravo Baker Universe

Breakable by MissDavis (E, 117,627 w., 34 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE, WiP || Established Relationship, Major Character Injury, Fluff/Angst, Depression, Paralysis/Disabilities, Hurt/Comfort, POV Sherlock, Mental Health Issues, Drug Use, Happy-ish Ending) – After John is seriously injured, Sherlock struggles to figure out how to help him, keep himself sane, and maybe, just maybe, get their life back to the way it's supposed to be. Part 1 of Breakable Not Broken

The Burning Heart by May_Shepard (M, 119,150 w., 21 Ch. || Canon Divergence, Post-TRF, John’s Sexuality, S3 Rewrite, Pining, Angst with a Happy Ending, POV John Watson, John’s Gay) – When Sherlock dies, John Watson feels like his life is over too. He’s completely shut down, until Mark Morstan, a new nurse at John’s medical clinic, catches his attention, and helps him uncover the long buried truth of his attraction to men. Although he’s certain he’ll never get over Sherlock, John plans to move on, and build a new life with Mark, unaware that Sherlock is not quite as dead as he appears, and that Mark is hiding secrets of his own.

Against the Rest of the World by SilentAuror (E, 151,714 w., 20 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Hiatus Fic, POV First Person Sherlock, Present Tense, First Kiss/Time, Big Brother Mycroft, Escaping from Capture, Soft Sherlock, Toplock, Insecurity, Infidelity, Travelling, Introspection, Pining Sherlock, Depression, Fantasies, Yearning for the Past, PTSD Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation) – Sherlock has been away from London for nine hundred and twelve days and counting, and has no idea what sort of reception to expect when he finally returns.

[rum-and-shattered-dreams]

A rant of personal experiences and trying to do something positive with them:

Okay so procrastination is a huge thing in ADHD. Same with memory issues. (Not that these are always present and maybe some people experience both without being ADHD).

So. Here’s an experience I’m just now (at almost 40) realizing was a thing:

Imagine a huge essay/report/project requiring a lot of research and several sources was due in a few weeks. The advice was always to break it down, take notes, and make an outline. It made perfect sense. And maybe it does help some or even most people.

But for some, like me, it was still impossibly overwhelming and breaking it down was worse. The project was often boring (especially if I had to ignore a hyperfixation to work on it) and even if it wasn’t, it still felt like A LOT when my brain was full of TV static and my memory was shit.

It takes a ton of repetition for me to even temporarily remember something and even then, it will likely be gone again in a few days. UNLESS I learn by actually doing something or figuring it out for myself. And my brain gaslights itself like “do I remember that right? No that can’t be right. Let me look it up for the 100th time to make sure.” And I’m WAY more likely to remember concepts or physical processes but completely forget the terms for them or names of things or important dates EVEN FOR MY HYPERFIXATIONS, damnit... Like, I can do a bunch of crafty stuff and even remember some common terms and items but not the less common fabrics or stitch types or tool names. (Yet somehow I could remember the exact location of hundreds of thousands of items of inventory at my craft store job... even if I didn’t know what they were called. But I stocked them and had physical contact with them so I could picture where they were.) The number one overwhelming thing for me about trying to be a pro at anything is trying to remember terms so it sounds like I know what I’m talking about.

Anyway...

Without acknowledging that, I ended up wasting time by trying to schedule research/work in small chunks because every time I stopped then tried to start again, I wouldn’t remember what I did or looked at last time. (Can I also add that this is why being interrupted is infuriating for me? It probably seems irrational to other people but it’s so hard to get focused on something and now my train of thought is derailed, passengers are dead and injured, and it’s going to take who knows how long to revive the survivors?) And maybe that wasn’t so bad the first time because I’d only have to reread one page of notes. But then it would happen a few more times and my focus would be blurred and I’d repeated myself multiple times in the notes and they’d become a mess and look horrible which was distracting and I’d feel overwhelmed by having to reread and now rewrite several pages and focus would be even worse because I did remember some bits and blanked out while looking at those then stay blanked out then I’d have to reread again to catch the parts I didn’t remember.

But.

If I waited until the last minute, when the consequence/reward system overrode how overwhelming or boring the project was, I could burn through it because I was in constant contact with the material and it was all currently on my mind and I could skip writing notes and an outline and go straight to a fairly decent flow-state draft then keep going through revisions and editing all without forgetting WTF I’d researched. And it would be done in so so so much less time with a lot less effort and frustration.

And...

AND

And then there’s the schedule thing and why it DOES NOT WORK for me. If I schedule doing something (or even if someone suddenly wants me to do something right now) and my brain is like, “nah sorry, just static right now,” there’s absolutely nothing I can do to make it work and I’m just going to get frustrated and tired and depressed and discouraged. But if I keep a loose list of things that need to get done and indicate which are priorities, I can look at it and say “yeah. This one seems doable right now.” No I’m not going to get up and vacuum that spot of cat litter at this exact moment but it’s a good idea to do it soon so I’ll add vacuum to the list and probably get it done later the same day. If the cat throws up, that is an immediate priority so I will get up and make sure they’re okay and clean it because my brain does actually recognize things like that as super important. If a bill arrives in the mail, I’ll stop and pay it right away because I know I don’t have to think/worry about it again if I do. But what sucks about that is that society wants and often understandably needs people to work on a schedule. And I just... can’t.

But I’m trying to take this knowledge and apply it, trying to accept that this is how I function. I function based on a system of priorities that get done in order of “absolutely must be done right this second, whether for my own reasons or outside reasons, even if I need to drop other things” to “this is what I CAN do right now.” Not something pre-scheduled. If I need to leave something to the last minute then I’m just going to accept that that’s how it’s going to be and that’s okay. Then I can free up energy and space to do other things in the meantime rather than worry and be anxious and beat myself up because I should be doing the thing and end up hating things I like doing because they’re not what I should be doing and now there’s a negative association with them. No. Screw that. If all I can do today is play a video game then fine. Gonna enjoy it. Because I now know for a fact, from years of experience, that I will do the important things. They just need to wait until I’m capable of doing them. And... if I let myself stop worrying about old WIPs... They get done eventually too. It might take a few years but as long as I don’t actually decide not to do them, they will get done.

All that said... I still want to look into meds because it would be nice to have more of an ability to focus more regularly. I just need to clear up some other medical stuff first and I’ve got appointments already set up for that.

One more thing... I f$&#ing hate the attitude teachers have about doodling in class. It was literally the only way I could focus during lectures and remember anything they were talking about. I could look at what I drew and remember what was being said while I drew it. F$&% every teacher who took away my notebooks or yelled at me for it. Without it, I’d zone out completely. And THANK YOU to the art history teacher and biology teachers I had who not only understood but encouraged it and actually helped me direct it toward the subject matter by suggesting drawing thumbnails of the art or cell structure or anatomy.

[kickasskody]

                          DAKOTA ‘ kody ’ PIERCE, a character study.  “just because i cannot see it, doesn’t mean i cannot believe it.” -- jack skellington

Character’s full name: dakota pierce Reason for name and/or meaning of name: kody’s parents met and fell in love in north dakota, and decided to name their son after the great state 💖 Character’s nickname: kody Reason for nickname: in middle school, kody didn’t think the name dakota was cool. but the name kody, the most generic white boy name ever , was definitely cool Birth date: december 13th, 2002. baby sagittarius 

Physical appearance Faceclaim: austin abrams Gender: cis male Height: 5″8 #shortking Build: scrawny boy body. looks like he couldn’t lift more than 30 pounds... PSYCH!!! he’s a vampire so he can actually lift several hundred pounds 🤪🤪🤪 Eye color: blue with little dark green specks Glasses or contacts?: not with that snazzy 4k vampire sight !! Distinguishing marks/scars: funny little frecklescape on his back that looks like this emoji 😦 Hair color: dirty blonde Type of hair: type 1, aka straight hair Hairstyle: gets up out of bed, looks in mirror. maybe tussles it a little bit. thats it Physical disabilities: none Mental disabilities: adhd Clothing style: sweaters sweaters sweaters. striped sweaters ( because the best time to wear one is all the time ), disney sweaters, sweaters with dogs on them. white collared shirts to go underneath most of them. denim jackets, a couple of them tattering with holes in the elbows. black skinny jeans -- like he owns four pairs of the same black skinny jeans. someone tell him that skinny jeans aren’t in style anymore. uses the same jansport backpack he’s had since the eighth grade with a sewn in epcot center patch on the front pocket. dirty checkered vans. falling apart high-top converse. it’s not that he’s poor and can’t afford new things, he just prefers all his old stuff.  Make up: has never worn any but wouldn’t be opposed to trying some !!

Personality Good personality traits: good at secret keeping, friendly and uplifting, loyal, thoughtful, great memory, cautious, playful. chaotic good energy  🥰 Bad personality traits: gullible, slightly obnoxious, constantly confused, easily distracted Mood character is most often in: cheery, happy as f, practically bouncing off the walls Sense of humor: goddamn hilarious!!! at least he thinks so lol Articulation: loud and occasionally stuttery. repeating himself pretty often. the type to get lost in the middle of conversation and have to take a second to mentally loop back and remember what exactly they were talking about. uses the word ‘ like ‘ way too much. talks with his hands a whole lot. constantly talking like he’s a kooky disney character on a mission. Character’s greatest joy in life: riding a mf’in roller coaster Character’s greatest fear: disneyworld getting blown up / physically hurting someone  Character is most at ease when: he’s curled up with his friends watching a disney movie Most ill at ease when: he’s laying in bed at night, pretending he’s sleeping since he can’t Enraged when: thinking about how there are vampires in bridgemead -- that they could turn other people, kill other people, or worse... harm his friends.  Depressed or sad when: drinking from a blood bag. watching disney pixar’s coco. thinkin’ about a disneyworld churro and how he’ll never be able to enjoy the taste of one again. Priorities: at the moment? trying not to hurt anybody.  Life philosophy: “Keep Moving Forward!” -- walt disney said that Greatest strength: his optimism / ability to take something sad or bad and turn it around! Greatest vulnerability or weakness: giving just about anyone the benefit of the doubt. 

Goals Drives and motivations: getting enough money to be able to travel the world and visit every disney park on the planet.  Immediate goals: graduating high school / helping the scooby gang solve mysteries Long term goals: roller coaster designer / engineer. create a haunted house / rollercoaster hybrid ride

Childhood Hometown: orlando, florida Type of childhood: the kind where he’s an only child, where his middle class parents live to please and spoil him, take him to whatever amusement park he wanted to go to and buy him all the best merch. the smile on his face was worth more than anything they ever could’ve purchased for themselves. kody probably would’ve had siblings, but his parents had complications getting pregnant again, and thus they lived to make sure he had the best life possible.  Pets: a cat named toulouse ( shoutout aristocats ), but he passed when kody was fifteen Most important childhood memory: waiting in line for five hours to ride harry potter and the forbidden journey at universal studios orlando. blew his little kid mind. Dream job: imagineer!! Religion: non-practicing christians. church on easter and christmas ONLY!

Present Current location: bridgemead, massachusetts Currently living with: his parents 💖 Pets: none Religion: agnostic Sexuality: currently questioning his sexuality. growing up he always felt attracted to both boys and girls, but has never been able to articulate it. he’s only ever expressed interest in women, but he has a fat crush on chris evans as captin america Politics: would be socialist if he cared enough to think about politics Occupation/education: bridgemead high school super senior Mode of transportation: his parents dark blue prius!! but only thursday - sunday

Family Parent one: marcus pierce -- drug store manager Relationship with them: kody and his dad are best buds! if it weren’t for his fathers love for rollercoasters, kody doesn’t know what his life would be like today. they used to play rollercoaster tycoon growing up and kody still cherishes those memories today. Parent two: tina pierce -- bridgemead city manager Relationship with them: kody and his mother have a very loving relationship. however, kody’s adoration for his mother dwindled when it was her job that forced them to move to bridgemead. he thinks of it as her fault that he doesn’t get to go to disneyworld anymore, and there’s a bitter part of him that thinks that if she hadn’t made them leave, he never would’ve become a vampire. he knows its wrong to attribute her to his curse, but sometimes when he’s really sad he cant help it.  Siblings: none Other important family members: his widowed aunt shirley who lives twenty minutes from disneyworld and occasionally would join them on their weekend visits to the parks. he misses her greatly 😩😩

Favorites Color: that bright electric blue color on the cinderella castle at disneyworld  Music: electronic Food: a disneyworld churro.  Film: the incredibles / scooby doo 2002 Drink: pink lemonadde mixed with sprite Form of entertainment: disney+ subscription. if that’s all he had, he’d be content. Most prized possession: a magic kingdom two day passport ticket from the 1980′s

Habits Hobbies: playing rollercoaster tycoon / designing rollercoasters on his computer. obsessively watching ghost club paranormal on youtube. bothering aj with the latest thing on his mind that she definitely doesn’t need to know about Plays a musical instrument?: nope. wishes he could though!  Plays a sport?: nope, but would be great at track now that he’s a vampire! How he would spend a rainy day: playing kingdom hearts II in his pajamas. Spending habits: great at hoarding all of his allowance! since he’s not spending it on food, he’s an excellent saver. pre-vampirism kody was not as cautious with his spending.  Smoking/drinking/drugs?: no way 🙅🏼 has yet to even try alcohol Extremely skilled at: cheering up his friends! finding the good in others and convincing them to see it too 🤗 Extremely unskilled at: stopping himself from crying when he’s sad / when he’s in the middle of crying. putting together pieces of their investigations. sure, he can find things -- but what the hell is he supposed to do with them once he’s got it?!?! Nervous tics: anxious picking at his cuticles. messing with his hair. aggressive foot tapping. scrolling through his phone without actually looking at anything.  Usual body posture: that boy has been working on rollercoaster code on his computer for YEARS. his body posture is absolutely RUINED! Mannerisms: constantly talking with his hands. bouncin’ around like tigger when something exciting happens. abbreviating things that don’t need to be abbreviated. the loudest in the room at all times.

Traits Optimist or pessimist? Introvert or extrovert? Daredevil or cautious? Logical or emotional? Leader or follower? Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? Prefers working or relaxing? Confident or unsure of himself/herself? Animal lover? HELL YEAH.

Self-perception How do they feels about themselves?: before the year 2020, kody actually quite liked himself! he realized that he was goofy and sometimes not everyones cup of tea, but for the most part, he knew he was a good guy who was a little obnoxious! now, he has mixed feelings about himself. vampirism has elevated a lot of his emotions and more often than not now, he dislikes himself for what he’s become, or what he could become if things turn bloody.  One word the character would use to describe themselves: spunky What does the character consider their best trait?: his compassion What does the character consider their worst trait?: his gullibility  What does the character consider their best physical characteristic?: his fluffy hair !! What does the character consider their worst physical characteristic?: that he’s a short king. stream short kings anthem by tiny meat gang How does the character think others perceive them?: he’s pretty sure most people think that he’s wildly annoying, but that doesn’t stop him from being fully himself most of the time!  What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: his vampirism!! get this shit out of him just make him a normal aging boy again!!

Relationships with others Opinion of other people in general: kody is a big ole’ ball of love, and thus so, he tries to share that with everyone. strangers are treated with compassion, acquaintances are treated as old friends, and friends are treated like family. unless kody already knows someone to be a bad person, or is wary of them, he’s genuinely one of the nicest people one could ever meet. Opinion of the Scooby Gang: talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before, unafraid to reference or not reference, put it in a blender, shit on it, vomit on it, eat it, give birth to it. Does the character hide their true opinions and emotions from others?: it depends on the topic, but for the most part, yes. when it comes to most scooby gang related endeavors, kody will share his thoughts -- if it’s something related to movies or tv, he’ll be talking your ear off for hours. if it’s something that could result in it hurting someone else, he’ll be quiet, and if his vampirism was ever to come into question, he’d be absolutely be suppressing it.  Most important person in character’s life: oh god, not to pick scooby gang favorites, but probably aj. she’s the closest thing he has to a sister, and he doesn’t know what he would do without their banter, and her support. Best friend/s: aj darke, dylan frye, & arabella byrne Dating experience: absolutely none. kissed 2 girls in the span of 2 years over 3 years ago. Romancing: kody wouldn’t know the first thing about trying to get someone to date him. all he knows is the stuff he’s seen on tv, watched in movies, or experienced around him ( such as his parents successful marriage, or his friends dating people ), but if it were to come down to him, he’d be extremely awkward. picture tom holland’s spiderman trying to talk to zendaya’s mj in far from home -- because that’s extremely accurate. kody isn’t trying to date anyone right now for a couple of reasons: one being that he’s too nervous, and not exactly looking for love, but if it were to happen... he wouldn’t run from it necessarily. but two being that his vampirism creates a bit of a problem for him, and he’s not sure if he should subject anyone to the curse he’s stuck with.

Extra Physicality: if necessary, could probably lift a car and throw it down the street. as of right now, doesn’t know how strong he really is / is more concerned about hurting his friends with this supposed strength than he is finding out how many hundreds of pounds he could lift. kody in a fight? probably losing within the first five seconds, unless bloods drawn and the instinct to pounce takes over. Species: vampire How do they feel about it?: hates it. would do anything to reverse it. wishes he had just stayed a little longer at karma cafe that night. or had never gone at all. How do they look in their supernatural form?: pretty much the same, however when he’s hungry and near blood, his eyes go all dark and bloodshot, and the veins around his eyes start to pulse ( basically just like vampire diaries ), but kody is unaware of this since he’s never seen it happen to himself or another vampire

[tarhalindur]

Slightly belated Gou episode 22 thoughts:

- Look how they massacred my girl.  Really, most of the issues are from last episode and this episode is just compounding interest on them, but still.  Also, Ryukishi07 is used to a medium which has an internal monologue as a matter of course and it shows - you could bridge a decent amount of Gou’s issues that way.  Not all of them, though, and there’s tricks to compensate for a medium with no internal monologue that just aren’t being used.  (Satoko musing to herself that there was a point where seeing her brother lying there would have moved her but not anymore would have gone a long way to fixing this episode’s issues, for instance, and that would only have needed two lines of thinking out loud.)

- But seriously, they done Satoko dirty.  (Opinion hasn’t changed: I can see a Satoko heel turn arc working and the core of the likely motivation for such fragments is correct, but holy shit did they botch the execution.)

- Unfortunately, I have a hard time squaring this episode with the mirror theory (and I already had issues squaring the first cour arcs with it).  Which is a shame, because that theory would remove most of my objections to this arc in one fell swoop: unlike Satoko, Rika *does* have precedent for escalating to murder to get out of a loop she doesn’t like (Saikoroshi-hen) as well as at least considering suicide (Meakashi-hen under imminent threat of death, and then she considers it before rejecting the idea in manga/VN Minagoroshi-hen for reasons that would no longer apply here); it’s an infinitely better fit for the Onigari-no-Ryuuou TiPS (more evident in the version that’s floated out of 4chan, which I suspect is the official translation: “When the Furude family try to push their sins onto others again... that’s when the Onigari-no-Ryuuou will reappear to us”); it’s how Lambda/Bern works in Umineko as opposed to the opposite of how it works; it would explain why we never got a whiff of Rika’s apparent desire to leave Hinamizawa in OG; and on a minor note “Rika doesn’t want to learn and has iffy memory” *would* help explain things about the OG loops (I’d have expected her to devour any and all local libraries out of boredom at some point, and while tunnel vision alone might be enough to explain Rika never considering the possibility that the obvious OG culprit is in fact the culprit a bad memory wouldn’t help).  The biggest issue there (outside of squaring it with first cour and this episode) is that you would need to explain why Satoko fit in at St. Lucia’s and Rika does not (Satoko makes sense as ADHD and/or on the autism spectrum, Rika... maybe but I have strong doubts, especially with how she weaponizes her cuteness).

(- If we are in Mirror Theory world I suspect it would be revealed in a couple of sentences at the end of episode 24; at this point I’m not sure that would be enough to salvage the season.)

- Once again I am inclined to compare Gou to Endless Eight... unfortunately, this time it’s because Gou may well torch another previously well-regarded franchise just as effectively.  (Possibly *worse* - Haruhi at least had Disappearance out immediately to cushion some of the blow in Japan itself, whereas scuttlebutt is that the Japanese fans are every bit as unhappy as us Western fans this time around.)  The weird thing is that it’s a strangely familiar torching to me - Ryukishi07 has always had similar creative tastes to myself (overcomplicated and confusing setups to be solved with strong mind screw elements?), so I suppose it makes sense that he would eventually have his own Mind Screw Mafia V, but it’s still weird watching someone else with a far bigger name make much the same mistakes I did in real time.

(- Irregular Entropy is going with Lilium and Kuusou Mesorogiwi in the annals of really fucking good anime themes that happen to be saddled with edgy anime of dubious quality, isn’t it?  Admittedly Kuusou isn’t in quite the same category as the other two, Mirai Nikki was always one of those series which was trash, knew it was trash, and rather than trying to be anything other than what it was always going to be instead got smart and sank all its skill points into being the most entertaining trash possible - but then I kind of suspect Mirai Nikki’s mangaka Esuno-sensei was the one person on the planet who wasn’t in on the joke so it kind of still fits.)

- I’ve seen a couple of (Lambda)Satoko - Akuhomu comps floating around already for somewhat obvious reasons.  The thing is, I kind of think if you introduced Akuhomu to Lambdatoko the former’s response once they got around to comparing notes would eventually be straight out of that one Joker-Red Skull comic (”I may be a criminal lunatic but I’m an AMERICAN criminal lunatic” - or in this case “I may have dragged down Madokami and made her live as a schoolgirl again but at least I was doing it because that was what (I think she) would have wanted - I wasn’t trying to *torture* the girl I love”).

- Gou airing on March 4 in the US (aka 3/4) is a hilarious piece of metatext, and the funniest part is I don’t think it’s even intentional (it technically aired on 3/5 in Japan due to timeslot, IIRC Japan uses a different date order, and Gou was originally scheduled to start in Summer 2020 to begin with before it got delayed).

[sun-kissed-star]

Could u write albert/race (platonic or romantic) w adhd!race (btw i l o v e ur fics)

thank u love, just for you here’s a fic of me projecting on race, ft. an asshole date and albert being a sweetheart

trigger warning: ableist language

~~~~~~~

“Come to the park with me on my date, he said,” Albert muttered to himself, swatting a branch out of his face. “It’ll be fun, he said.”

In any given situation, Albert would rather stab out his left eyeball with a spork than be a third-wheel on a date. It made him anxious and turned him from calm and collected to a shy, awkward mess in a matter of seconds. 

Apparently, all those things went out the window when Race was involved. Albert guessed it was fair, anyway. Race had met a cute boy named Kevin at a party, been asked out on a date, and proceeded to beg Albert to come with him. He’d barely talked to the boy and he was “too young and pretty to be murdered on a first date.” (Race’s words, not Albert’s.)

Besides, it wasn’t really third-wheeling. Not when Albert was crouched in a tree, watching Kevin slip his hand into Race’s. It was technically called stalking. 

“You having fun?” Kevin said to Race. They were sitting on a bench directly under Albert’s tree, and frankly, he considered it a miracle Kevin hadn’t looked up yet. 

“Yeah,” Race said, grinning at their linked hands. His cheeks and ears were tinged pink. “I love this park. When I was seven, my mom, my biological one, took me and my best friend Albert here. I don’t live with her anymore, I doubt she remembers it, but I broke my arm. I don’t even remember how. I mean, that wasn’t the last time I was here, that’s the only time I’ve ever broken something. My brother says it’s a miracle I haven’t cracked my head open from all the idiot stuff I do. He shouldn’t be talking, right? He’s usually the reason I do stupid stuff. Me and him went to this park a few weeks ago. Oh, his name’s Jack, I’ve got two brothers and a sister, all adopted, our poor mom. Have you met him? He was at that party we met at, but he was probably passed out on the couch.”

Race took a breath and looked at Kevin expectantly. Albert had followed the entire conversation, more than used to Race when he started rambling, but Kevin didn’t have the same expertise. He looked like a deer in headlights, scrambling to find an endpoint to Race’s story. 

“Um… you’re a foster kid?” he finally settled on saying. “Or, um, you’re adopted?”

Albert didn’t approve. 

“Yeah,” Race said. “Adopted when I was eleven. Did I mention that? Shit, sorry, didn’t mean to unload on you.”

“Um, it’s okay, you didn’t,” Kevin said. “So… what happened with your brother?” Race raised an eyebrow, and Kevin elaborated. “A few weeks ago? When you were here with him?”“Oh!” Race said, and he launched back into his story like he’d never taken a pause. “So, we dragged a trampoline to the base of a tree, and he dared me to jump off a branch and land on the trampoline. We didn’t have a helmet so we just used a pillow. Honestly, that was one of the times where I thought I’d break somethin’ else, but it was just that one time when I was seven. I had a huge scratch on my leg for a couple weeks and I’ve got a scar, but it’s not that bad.”Kevin laughed awkwardly and tucked his hands under his thighs. It was then Albert noticed that Race had pulled their hands apart and was gesturing grandly with one. The other was resting on Kevin’s knee. Race was a tactile guy, and Albert was surprised the hand hadn’t made its way to Kevin’s face. 

“You talk a lot,” Kevin said. 

Race smiled. “Ain’t the first time someone’s told me that, trust me,” he said. “You should talk to my teachers. They’d probably go on tangents longer than mine about me. My math teacher doesn’t like me ‘cause I always get the answer right, but not the way I’m supposed to get it, which is fuckin’ unfa-”

“Let’s get ice cream,” Kevin cut in, standing up suddenly and grabbing Race’s sleeve to tug him up with him.

Race smiled sheepishly as his hand moved to grab Kevin’s again. Kevin stuffed his hands in his pockets pointedly. “Okay, cool. Sorry. Just let me know if I start rambling like that and I’m bein’ annoying. I’m kind of an idiot.”

“It’s fine,” Kevin said with a grin so fake it hurt to look at. The kid was getting a solid two out of ten on Albert’s scale of “People That Deserve To Hang Out With My Friends.”

“Hey, I don’t have my wallet with me,” Race said, patting his pockets. “But I can pay you back for the ice cream. It’d be the gentleman thing to do, right?” He winked, sidling up to Kevin’s side to lean on him, and Albert forced a laugh back down his throat. 

Kevin didn’t think it was funny. When Race’s elbow raised to rest on his shoulder, he moved away. “You didn’t bring your wallet?” he said, frowning. “But I didn’t bring mine. We agreed to get ice cream a couple days ago, when I asked you out, and you said you’d pay. Remember?”

Race’s face fell when Kevin stepped back. “Oh… oh,” he said, realization dawning over his face. “Fuckin’ shit. I’m sorry, Kevin,” he said, running a hand through his hair. Albert wanted to jump down and give him a hug, but that might have had something to do with the fact that his back was permanently cramped from hunching over in the tree for so long. 

Instead of forcing a smile and saying “It’s fine,” which Albert had been expecting, the frown didn’t waver on Kevin’s face. “What’s your problem, man?” he said. “Like, I don’t wanna be rude, but you’ve spent this entire time talking about yourself and you forgot about something we agreed on two days ago.”

“I… dude, I didn’t mean to,” Race tried. “Sorry if I’m being obnoxious. I have ADHD and I’ve been out of meds since last week. I forgot to tell my mom, but she’s picking them up today.”

If anything, Kevin’s scowl deepened, which just made the situation worse. Albert could read Race’s stiff shoulders and fleeting eyes like a book. “That’s not an excuse, dude. I get that you’ve got memory problems or whatever, but we’ve all got our issues. Can’t you just… I don’t know, try harder?” 

“I -”

“Forget it,” Kevin muttered. “I’m not really in the mood for ice cream, I think I’m just gonna go home. I’ll text you or something.” He clapped a hand on Race’s shoulder. “See you later, Tony.”

From the look on his face as he walked off, hands still stuffed deep in his pockets, Albert had a feeling he wouldn’t be texting. 

He waited until Kevin had completely disappeared around the corner. He’d pulled out his phone as soon as he left Race alone, thumps tapping wildly on the screen. Albert could only pray there wouldn’t be rumors about “the weird, freckled kid that never shuts up” at school on Monday. 

He jumped down from his tree, a lot less gracefully than he would’ve prefered. Race jumped a foot in the air and whipped around as Albert sweared loudly, clutching his foot. 

“Shit, I forgot you were up there,” Race said. His shoulders slumped, and he looked more like a kicked puppy than a dejected teenage boy. “Sorry you had to listen to all that. Like, me rambling and then gettin’ ditched by Kevin and whatever.”

“Shut up,” Albert said. Hearing himself out loud, he quickly backtracked, “I-I mean, you can talk as much as you want. I just don’t want you to… you’ve said sorry too much today, Racer. It’s not your fault.”He stared intently at the hole in the toe of his Converse as he was talking, and when he looked up, Race’s eyes were red. He wasn’t quite crying, but his voice cracked when he spoke.

“Yes it is.” It sounded like he’d tried to sound angry with himself, to snap out his words like a rubber band against raw skin, but he just sounded sad. “Don’t play dumb, Albie. Kevin’s right. I talked about myself too much, and I forgot about somethin’ so fuckin’ simple, and I chased him away. Did you see his face?” he demanded. “He looked at me like I was a fuckin’ alien from Area 51, and then he left.”

As much as Albert wanted to say “Good riddance to him, then,” he didn’t think it would be appreciated. He stepped forward, Race sunk his head into his shoulder.

“I’m such an idiot,” he said, words muffled in Albert’s shirt. “And I kind of wanted that ice cream, babe, not gonna lie.” 

Albert gripped the back of Race’s neck wordlessly, knowing the pressure was grounding and comforting from how often Race did it to him. “Lucky for you,” he mumbled in Race’s ear, “I always come prepared. C’mon, dude, my brother gave me twenty bucks and I’m spending all of it before I step foot in my house.”

Race smiled against his shoulder. “What would I do without you? Seriously, would I be dead? I think I’d be dead.”

“No, you just wouldn’t have stories to tell about breaking your arm with me to asshole dates.”

“He wasn’t an as-”

“Race. You told him you had ADHD, and he told you to try harder and get over it.”

“I should’ve told him before so he’d know how much work I can b-”“If I told someone I had autism and they told me to suck it up and stop whining, would you deck them or not?”

Race lifted his head, silently pursing his lips together. “Okay,” he admitted. “He was kind of an asshole.”

Albert nodded solemnly. “The asshole to end all assholes,” he said. He was just trying to make Race laugh and they both knew it, but in his defense, it was working. “C’mon,” he said, grabbing Race’s collar and ushering him towards the sidewalk. “Chocolate or vanilla?”“Both. Extra sprinkles.”

“Damn. You know I’m paying, right? Maybe you’re the asshole.”

Race laughed again, throwing his head back and an arm around Albert’s shoulders, and for the first time in an hour, all was right with Albert’s world. 

TAG LIST

@booksbroadwayandbagels @tis-my-cigar  @harrynerd-blog  @crutchieee-morris  @seizetheimagines @juliet-the-smol @got-the-east-side  @i-got-personality  @internalscreaming012  @voice-foundshoe-lost @capncrutch @thatfancyclam  @jjjudeshitposts  @orphan-with-a-stutter @disney-princess-sized  @perpetualbedheadspier @bexlynne  @we-dont-sell-papes @the-woild-is-my-what-now  @you-thinks-wrong-romeo  @pitiful-ambitions  @purplelittlepup @imjusttheoutgoingsidekick @damn-too-many-fandoms  @cattt420 @savory-n-sweet  @thedolanspineapple @racescoronas@awwwwwwdang @bencookisagod @carryingthedaveyjacobs @disasterbisexualhere @maiawakening @racetrackcook  @aw-jus-let-em-try @suddenly-im-respecsable @the-dance-boi  @jessmuell25 @intoomanyfandomstopickaname @be-more-chill-evan-hansen  @marcusisaprettygay  @insane-tomato @tomscaprisun  @seasickdolphin  @spot-conlon-king-of-brooklyn @papesdontsellthemselves @narniasfinestavengingsociopath @findmeintheafterglow

[nostalgiaslithersin]

Hogwarts Mystery Survey

I was tagged by @weasley-adoptee​ to do this! Thank you so much, friend. <3 This was super fun to do. 

Answers under the cut, and my shy ass is going to tentatively tag @freckled-petals​, @rompemaldiciones​, @willowtreewritingss​, and @carmilla-the-bird​. Feel free to ignore. c: 

Favourite Gryffindor:

Bill is Lee’s big brother and I love his characterization in this game to bits. He’s truly the sibling MC deserves, and if given the choice, I would dropkick Jacob into the sun and replace him with Bill. I’m sure Jacob will not understand.

Least Favourite Gryffindor:

Ben, my boy, I love you, but you’re driving me mad. I liked him best in Year 5, truth be told. I wasn’t a fan of him prior and Year 6 Ben is plain aggravating most of the time. I’m still holding out for him, though; those flashes of his former self we get keep me hopeful that he won’t always be an asshole.

Favourite Hufflepuff:

Who else but Penny Haywood? I know JC overuses her in everything these days, but I still adore her and so does my MC. 

Least Favourite Hufflepuff:

Hm. Probably Diego. There’s nothing wrong with him - I just don’t find him that interesting compared to our other friends. 

Favourite Ravenclaw:

Local bird boy Talbott Winger snuck up on me. I liked his character from his debut - grumpy, aloof characters with a dry sense of humor and a heart of gold are my weakness - but I wasn’t expecting to ship him with Lee. I actually loved the idea of Talbott x Badeea, and I still enjoy that ship, but yeah. Talbott x MC has since surpassed it for me. He’s great.

Least Favourite Ravenclaw:

Honestly, I don’t think I have a least favorite for this house. Ravenclaw's characters are solid. 

Favourite Slytherin:

Merula, this one’s for you. Of course it’s for you. Your design is stupid cute and your moody ass has stolen my heart. And honestly, I’d ship you with Lee if I didn’t love your brother-sister relationship with him more. 

Least Favourite Slytherin:

It’s gonna be Liz solely for the reason that we don’t know much about her. And it’s not her fault - she’s one of the characters JC created and promptly forgot about after her part in Year 5 (4?) was over. 

Favourite Quidditch Character:

This one goes to Orion Amari aka MC’s other big brother. I thought his personality might grate on me when I first met him, but past me was a fool, I tell you, a complete clown. Orion is wonderful and deserves the world. <3

Least Favourite Quidditch Character:

This is hard because I genuinely adore all the Quidditch characters. Maybe the ones who don’t have names? I mean, I get why they’re not characterized. They’re placeholders. MC’s going to replace them eventually. However... I’m a writer. I'm going to give these guys my own headcanons and then grow attached to their characters regardless of what you do with them, so you might as well name them for me. Please. I hate naming things.

Favourite Teacher:

Professor Flitwick is great, but when Professor McGonagall smiles at my MC when he gets her question right, my heart grows three sizes. Minnie is the best. <3

Least Favourite Teacher:

While I like Snape’s character more in Hogwarts Mystery than in the books, I’m still not a fan of him overall. 

Favourite Non-Teacher Adult:

Hagrid, of course! A gentle giant with a pure heart. Too good for this world. 

Least Favourite Non-Teacher Adult:

Rita Skeeter can get hit by the Knight Bus. Seriously. I don’t understand why MC hasn’t turned her away already - she’s terrible, and I personally hc she’s the one responsible for popularizing the rumor that Jacob went to work for Voldemort. That’s why my MC can’t stand her.

Rate Rowan on a scale of 1-10, 1 being “Why are we even friends?” and 10 being “BFFs for Life!”:

Rowan is my favorite HPHM character. I’ve loved this nerd since the beginning and I will never forgive JC for what they’ve done to them. Rowan deserved better. I will shout this into the void until the day I die, and they’ll always be Lee’s first love. </3 

Rate Jacob on a scale of 1-10, 1 being “You’re dead to me” and 10 being “Love you forever, big bro!!”:

For me, Jacob is a 5. Do I think he’s a bad brother? Yes. Would I drop him like a hot potato for Bill and Orion if given the chance? Absolutely. But I think he can still be redeemed. Maybe. I’m not holding my breath for it, but it’s possible. Although, to be frank with you, the angst monger in me wants Jacob to be evil because I love putting my MC through hell. (:

Rate MC and your similarities on a scale of 1-10, 1 being “MC is nothing like me” to 10 being “MC is ttly a self-insert lol”:

Oh, I don’t know. Maybe a 6? Lee and I have similarities, but I made him with the intent of playing a character instead of myself. His competitive nature and ADHD tendencies are definitely me, but I’m not nearly as sociable as him haha. Lee’s got a loud, type-aish personality. I’m introverted AF and pretty mellow. 

Favourite Side Quest:

The Celestial Ball was wonderful. I loved playing through it, and I was so happy that Rowan was a date option. (If only they were included in the other dating TLSQs, sigh.) An honorable mention goes to Adventures in Curse-breaking aka the latest TLSQ. Loved the friendship vibes among the group. 

Least Favourite Side Quest:

I’ll be honest; I don’t remember the Knighthood TLSQ in the slightest. I also thought the Weird Sisters one was meh, but at least I have vague memories of that one. An honorable mention goes to the ending of the All-Wizard Tournament TLSQ. I’m sorry, but you can’t convince me that MC would be happy about winning after nearly losing another friend (or whatever you consider Merula) to the Forbidden Forest. My MC was livid at Dumbledore for the shit he pulled, and he’s not even post-Year 6 Part 18 yet. And yeah, I know it’s technically a Year 5 TLSQ, but keep in mind that this came out shortly after Part 18 dropped and was referenced multiple times in the side quest for those caught up with the Main Story. The wound was still fresh and it just felt wrong to me. 

Your Ideal Ending for Patricia Rakepick:

Assuming she really killed Rowan?

I see no alternative. 

[grouchythefish]

The 2010s, year by year.

I was inspired by @puzzled-dragon on twitter but but would rather do this here. I did not realize this decade sucked so hard. I put this under a read more because it’s long and sad af. I did not INTENTIONALLY make this depressing but thinking to each year these ARE the things I think of first. There’s a happy ending though, I promise. If this is too long, just read the first and last year and you’ll probably get the picture. (tw: depression, self-harm, death, suicidal thoughts, car accidents, sexual assault):

2010: Went on my first plane ride to visit my brother in San Francisco! Went to my first show that summer (warped tour - Sum 41!), then My Chemical Romance in December. Started volunteering with the Teen Advisory Board at the library. This was the year I first started realizing I had some mental health issues. My grandmother, who I was very close to, passed away. I was dealing with depression and self harming and learned I have ADHD. Started questioning my sexuality.

2011: The year of the January mystery evacuation! My strongest memories of this year are the summer. went to Warped Tour again (Motion City Soundtrack and Paramore!), joined Tumblr in July. I took 2 months of summer school by choice that year during which I read the Handmaid’s Tale and had a bit of a feminist awakening. Gwen and I started our band and started doing shows together. Started questioning my gender.

2012: Started IDing as asexual. Got into urbex for a little while. Graduated high school. Went to Warped Tour for the last time. Saw Mindless Self Indulgence and had my first serious panic attack. Started a visual arts degree at York. Lived on campus and lost a lot of weight REAL fast and got VERY sick. Now that I was 18 and no longer living with my parents I finally started getting treatment for my ADHD. Realized I was agender.

2013: Started playing quidditch and getting involved with York’s Harry Potter club (Ministry of Magic) where I met @ominouspotato and @puzzled-dragon​. Realized I was bisexual. Got my first job (tim hortons) then my first apartment (A complete disaster) My depression and anxiety got real bad towards the end of this year. I did go to a lot of shows though. (Fall Out Boy and Motion City Soundtrack come to mind) Started listening to WTNV not knowing that this would absolutely be a gateway podcast for me. 

2014: Moved in with my aunt Bev (not really my aunt) in Scarborough for the first half of the year then my parents for the second half. Bought my first binder. Became a Ministry of Magic exec. Saw WTNV live. Met my (now) ex at a PATD show in Feb, we started dating in Nov. Took the via rail for the first time.  Was sexually assaulted on my first date (I have never told anyone this until right now). Rode the go train a lot. Started trying to change my major to Digital Media.

2015: Moved back in with my aunt Bev and lived there for the whole year. (At the time I hated it but in retrospect she was real cool about a lot of stuff) Saw Motion City Soundtrack for the third and final time :’(. This is the year @ghirahims-left-shoe​ and I met Frank Iero and Gerard Way (who said my drawing were awesome!!!!!) Moved into the Forest Hill apartment (a mistake). Realized university was going nowhere for me. Saw WTNV live again.

2016: Dropped out of York and started at Seneca for Interactive Media Design. My (now) ex moved in with me and my roommates and shit hit the fan which resulted in us packing up and moving back to my home town (Cue the worst 3 years of my life) Got my G2 and started driving regularly, got in my first car accident. I worked 6 different jobs this year. My tax return was hell. I started getting really into podcasts this year.

2017: Started off real fucking depressed over the US election and somehow ended up turning to mbmbam to cope (a mutual on tumblr suggested it and I wish I remembered who so I could thank them for changing my life). Commuted to Toronto 5 days a week this whole year. Got engaged. Bought my first car in August (a beige impala). Had my first car written off in November when someone rear ended me on the 400. Bought my red elantra that I still have now. Joined the MBMBAM Gaming Server when I was at a very low point that fall and it was a god send - met some really really good friends though this. Joined roller derby. First realized I was in an abusive relationship.

2018: Got in another car accident. Quit my job in Toronto because I couldn’t handle the commute anymore after getting in 2 accidents in the same winter. Traveled to Detroit to see mbmbam live. Went through a YMCA employment program, which is how I got the most soulless job ever - but it was a short commute, looked great on my resume, and paid okay so I sucked it up. My depression and anxiety got worse and worse and I kept ignoring it, kept thinking if I just acted like things were fine they eventually would be (fake it til you make it is bullshit btw). Tried to leave my fiance a handful of times but never could. Tried and failed many many times to pass the roller derby minimum skills test. Started isolating myself more and more from my irl friends. My laptop kicked the bucket in August and I couldn’t afford to replace it.

2019 (Jan-Aug): In March I both got my dream job and went on my first big trip (New Orleans to visit my brother)! Got my first tattoo in July. My depression didn’t go away, though. I quit roller derby. A few doctor’s visits and many different ADHD medication trials later I found myself at my lowest point. I wasn’t sleeping but I also struggled to get out of bed. I felt like work was the only thing I could do so it was all I did and my anxiety only fueled this further. I thought that there was no one in the world who cared about me. I saw myself as a problem to the people around me. Something that needed to be removed. I was researching what pills I could overdose on and how many it would take and I started making real plans to kill myself in September. 

Spoiler: I didn’t! 

2019 (Sept-Dec): I saw a new doctor, took a break from work, and started on anti-depressants for the first time ever. Everything changed. I traveled to Buffalo to meet friends from the mbmbam gaming server and had online friends come to Barrie to visit me. I reconnected with my university friends after 2 years of self-isolation and we see each other regularly now. I went on my first solo trip to visit Gwen in BC and we are starting a podcast together (!!!). I found out my friends are also doing podcasts! I started working on having a better relationship with my siblings (we’re not there yet but making progress). I started coming out to people irl as agender for the first time and requesting they use my chosen name and pronouns. I replaced my laptop and started making art again! I applied for a bunch of zines and got into one! I finally worked up the strength to break up with my fiance for real. Just in these last few months I’ve made more new friends and spent more time with them than in the last 3 years put together. (If you are one of those new friends, I’m sorry if I’m weird or awkward, or say too much or too little or just the wrong things, I got used to not having friends and genuinely don’t remember how to be around people. Please be patient with me, I’m trying to get better.)

2020: I just had the first new years eve in a decade where I felt I was ending the year better than I started it. Things aren’t perfect (I still need my ex to move out, I still live in a town that makes me depressed, I’m still not out to my family, I’m still looking for a therapist) but for the first time in a long time, I’m looking forward to the future.

[bludstains-blog1]

❝               you     punched     me     in     the     face          ,          you     made     me     walk     through     𝘀𝗵𝗶𝘁𝘁𝘆     water          ,          brought     me     to     a        FUCKING     CRACKHOUSE          (     !     )          .  .  .          and     now          ,          i’m     gonna     have     to     kill     this     fucking     clown          .               ❞

𝖑𝖆𝖞𝖊𝖗     𝖔𝖓𝖊         .          dossier     .

full  name:  richard  james  tozier.

nicknames:  

primarily  known  as  richie.

rich.

trashmouth.

bowers’  gang’s  slew  of  derogatory  nicknames.

‘chee.

age:  twenty - one.

date  of  birth:  march  seventh.

place  of  birth:  derry,  maine.

nationality:  american.

occupation:

college  student.

bartender.

regular  on  the  local  college’s  radio  station.

sexual  &  romantic  orientation:  he’s  gay,  totally  gay  !

gender  identity:  cisgender  male,  using  he/him  pronouns.

hogwarts  house:  ravenclaw.

𝖑𝖆𝖞𝖊𝖗     𝖙𝖜𝖔         .          biographical     .

richard  james  tozier,  known  affectionaly  as  richie  or  trashmouth,  is  the  only  son  of  wentworth  and  maggie  tozier,  and  for  the  most  part  they’re  a  relatively  unassuming  family.  wentworth  is  a  dentist  whose  attitude  towards  his  own  son’s  dental  care  is  simultaneously  strict  and  lax,  and  maggie  makes  a  life  out  of  spoiling  the  fuckshit  out  of  her  boys  but  she  loves  it.  there’s  nothing  out  of  the  ordinary  about  the  little  family  they’ve  built   ;   established  in  their  routines,  in  their  practices,  the  toziers  are  nothing  to  write  home  about.

richie’s  a  handful,  admittedly.  diagnosed  with  adhd  when ��he  turns  four,  he’s   hyperactive, loud,  histrionic,  a  sarcastic  little  smartass  before  he  knows  what  any  of  those  things  are.  he  keeps  himself  entertained  with  comic  books,  drinking  in  their  bright  colours  and  their  intricate  storylines  and  develops  an  infinite  love  for  their  careworn  pages  and  their  impossible  tales.  they  keep  him  grounded,  strange  as  it  is   — -   when  all  goes  to  shit,  as  it  inevitably  will,  he’ll  thumb  through  an  old  copy  of  uncanny  x-men  and  the  world  doesn’t  seem  so  heavy  anymore.  when  he  gets  his  first  pair  of  glasses,  thick - rimmed  plastic  frames  and  lenses  more  like  coke  bottles  than  actual  lenses,  he  spends  two  hours  spiraling  deep  into  the  familiar  world  of  his  comics.  when  he  gets  tripped  up  the  first  time,  when  he  gets  called  fuckface  or  four - eyes  or  worse,  he  swallows  back  the  lump  in  his  throat  and  legs  it  home  for  his  comics.  when  he’s  reading,  he’s  not  so  hyperactive   — -   he  still  frantically  jiggles  one  leg,  but  he’s  quiet,  introspective   — -   the  silence  is  rare  but  comforting.

his  sense  of  humour  is  sharp  as  anything,  practised  daily  on  his  poor  mother  and  father.  he’s  developed  a  slew  of  Voices,  little  impressions  that  differ  only  in  tone  and  intention,  but  wentworth  and  maggie  encourage  him  to  keep  working,  keep  building  on  them.  his  wit  gets  him  into  trouble  at  school,  and  numerous  teachers  have  written  in  reports  that  richie’s  got  a  bit  of  a  reputation  for  being  a  class  clown.   (   humour  is  a  desperate  attempt  to  grab  out,  to  latch  onto  a  friend  because  really,  he’s  so  fucking  lonely  it  hurts  and  he  just  wants  someone  to  laugh  at  him  and  entertain  his  endless  bullshit  and  be  there.   )

shouldn’t  have  wished  so  hard  for  friends,  because  they  come  along  in  the  form  of  the  losers’  club.  richie  moreso  stumbles  across  them  than  anything   — -   knew  bill  denbrough  because  they  lived  on  the  same  block,  found  him  fuckin’  round  in  the  barrens  with  some  other  kids  and  hey,  it’s  like  they’d  been  best  friends  forever.  there’s  bill,  big  bill,  stuttering  bill,  de  facto  leader  and  richie’s  unspoken  idol.  there’s  stan,  preternaturally  neat  and  it’s like  he  came  out  of  the  womb  like  that,  already  a  coherent  amalgamation  of  smiles  in  his  voice  and  rolled  eyes.  there’s  mike,  with  his  killawatt  smile  and  good  intentions  and  comforting  voice  that  sets  ease  into  richie’s  perpetually  rattled  bones.  ben,  whose  creativity  and  quiet  reassurance  is  something  richie  pines  after  desperately.  beverly,  the  only  girl,  cigarette-scented  voice  of  rhyme  and  reason  and  rationality.  then  there’s  eddie,  and  richie  swallows  up  anything  he  can  say  about  eddie  before  the  words  come  out.

it’s  painful,  realising  you’re  in  love  with  your  best  friend.  it  starts  early,  a  quick  glance  here  and  there  that  lingers,  a  breath  that  catches  in  your  throat  when  you  see  him  smile.  you  try  and  push  the  feelings  down,  swallow  them  whole  before  they  can  infect  every  part  of  you  but  darling,  it’s  never  that  easy.  by  the  time  summer  arrives,  you  are  in  far  too  deep.  you  never  really  recover  from  your  pre - adolescent  tango  with  love,  and  it  develops  into  an  adolescent  waltz  with  it,  and   — -   you  get  the  picture.

what’s  worse  is  knowing  that  you’re  not  the  same  as  the  others.  you  don’t  look  at  beverly  like  bill  and  ben  do,  and  you  hate  yourself  for  it.  you  wish  you  could  find  joy  in  the  sweet  smile  of  the  girl  that  sits  in  front  of  you  in  english,  but  you  find  yourself  drawn  to  the  boy  who  snorts  behind  his  hand  at  your  mistimed  joke.  you  hate  the  way  it  makes  you  feel  warm  and  fuzzy  inside.  you  hate  yourself,  but  you  won’t  speak  that  into  existence  /  choke  on  the  jokes  that  burn  like  acid,  swallow  down  the  insults  you  hurl  at  yourself  when  you  think  no  one  is  watching.  trash  the  trashmouth  --- -  first  one  to  hit  the  trashmouth  where  it  hurts  is  the  trashmouth  himself.

summer  brings   — -   well,  it’s  been  years  now  and  richie’s  still  lost  for  words  that  fit  what  that  summer  really  was.  it  starts  with  a  few  kids  going  missing,  ending  up  dead  and  then  it’s  george  denbrough,  little  georgie,  one  arm  chewed  off  and  yellow  slicker  tainted  sticky  red  and  then  the  whole  world  seems  to  fall  apart.  bill’s  a  madman  on  a  mission,  and  richie  follows   — -   follows  when  it  means  getting  taunted  by  a  demon  clown  alien  thing,  when  it  means  fucking  fighting  said  demon  alien  clown  thing,  snapping  eddie’s  broken  arm  back  into  some  kind  of  place  whilst  bated  breaths  are  held  back  in  case  it  hears.  they  beat  it,  and  richie’s  still  not  sure  how  but  he  knows  that  for  six  months  after,  he  can’t  look  at  a  clown  without  digging  bitten  fingernails  into  calloused  flesh  of  a  palm.  a  year  later,  he  still  jumps  at  too - loud  noises.  two  years  later,  he  starts  seeing  a  therapist  because  his  parents  have  noticed  he  can’t  sleep  in  the  dark  anymore.

he  remembers  the  entirety  of  that  summer  in  vivid  clarity.  he  wishes  he  could  forget.

high  school,  college  applications,  they  all  become  a  blur.  the  losers  spend  most  nights  together,  endless  double  features,  piling  into  cars,  growing  up  and  together  and  apart  until  the  first  one  of  them  leaves,  and  it  feels  like  taking  a  fucking  bullet.  slowly,  they  all  scatter  to  the  wind,  memories  firm  but  never  forgotten  and  richie’s  planning  california,  hot  summers  and  comedy  shows  but  he  ends  up  in  castle  rock,  only  a  stone’s  throw  away  from  derry.

he  studies  political  science,  because  he’s  got  a  weird  aptitude  for  it.  he  finds  comfort  in  arguing  about  trotskyism  and  writing  essays  about  the  fall  of  the  third  reich  at  4  am  in  the  morning,  buzzing  on  caffeine  and  glued  to  the  crackle  of  the  tiny  little  television  he  bought  with  the  majority  of  the  money  he  saved  for  textbooks.  he  barely  attends  lectures,  and  manages  to  ace  his  classes  because  despite  everything,  he’s  brilliant  (  and  no  i  won’t  let  this  point  go  ).  despite  a  well - earned  reputation  for  clownery,  he’s  always  been  a  brilliant  kid  and  he  never  chose  to  go  to  school,  so  he  never  bothered  applying  himself.  he  chooses  college,  therefore  he  works  and  it  shows.  

the  nightmares  persist  well  after  he  thinks  he’s  over  the  events  of  that  summer.  he  wakes  up  in  a  cold  sweat,  throat  sore  from  screaming  and  clutching  ripped  sheets,  and  he  can’t  chase  the  nightmares  away  because  they’re  too  real,  they’re  out  there  and  he  can’t  stand  that  knowledge.  he  can’t  deal  with  it,  so  he  drinks  instead.  there’s  a  few  jack  daniels  bottles  stashed  under  his  bed,  and  he  won’t  let  anyone  know  about  those  or  how  painfully  dependent  he  gets  on  the  hot  burn  of  whiskey  down  the  back  of  his  throat  when  the  nightmares  are  bad  and  he’s  sticking  to  threadbare  sheets.

and  yet,  despite  everything,  he  does  his  best  not  to  change  ---  same  sense  of  humour,  all  bark  and  no  bite,  tinged  with  a  wide  grin  and  sleep - tousled  bedhead.  despite  everything,  he’s  still  the  same  old  richie,  still  loudmouthed  and  too  quick  for  his  own  good  and  too  much  fun  to  be  around.

anyways  i  love  richie  tozier  a  lot  thank  you  for  coming  to  my  ted  talk

𝖑𝖆𝖞𝖊𝖗     𝖙𝖍𝖗𝖊𝖊     .          fun     facts     .

he  currently  has  a  radio  show  on  the  college  radio  station,  played  in  the  early  hours  of  the  morning.  it  keeps  him  up  and  keeps  his  nightmares  away,  for  the  most  part. his  Voices  have  been  getting  gradually  better,  and  he’s   been  considering  doing  a  segment  on  his  radio  show  using  them.

his  entire  room  that  he  rents  in  a  sharehouse  is  covered  in  film  and  music  posters,  not  in  frames  yet  bc  he’s  not  that  kind  of  adult  yet.  he  fucking  loves  star  wars,  and  he  thinks  empire  strikes  back  is  the  coolest  fucking  thing  he’s  ever  seen.  he’s  an  avid  pop  culture  junkie,  swallows  it  all  up  and  ingests  it  until  he’s  glowing  with  it  all.

he  works  as  a  bartender  to  make  ends  meet,  amongst  other  things.  he  hasn’t  been  fired  for  drinking  bourbon  from  the  bottle  yet,   so  that’s  good  for  him.

he  bought  his  first  car  when  he  was  about  seventeen,  and  he  loves  the  damn  thing  even  though  it’s  pretty  much  worthy  of  nothing  but  the  local  trash  heap.

dresses  like  a  fucking  idiot  but  has  that  ever  changed

slowly  he’s  thinking  about  veering  out  into  comedy  n  i  support  it  for  him.  ur  not  jerry  seinfeld  but  try  ur  best  sweetie

a  girl  blew  him  a  kiss  in  high  school  and  he  pretended  like  he  got  shot  and  ‘  died  ’  in  mike’s  arms.  end  scene

[montagueunderwater]

Task #1 - About Montague

BASICS:

Full name: Montague Lauren Asher  Nicknames: Monty Age: 25 Species: Siren  Date of birth: 23rd of Febuary Place of birth: Duck, North Carolina  Zodiac sign: Pisces Gender and pronouns: cismale, he/him Sexual/romantic orientation: bisexual, homoromantic  Ethnicity: english, scottish, french Religious views: athiest/agnostic  Education level: High School graduate  Mental conditions: adhd Physical conditions: n/a

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE:

Eye color: brown Hair color: dark brown/nearly black  Hair style: His hair is shaggy, almost chin length, and curls at the tips. Most of the time he lets it just do as it pleases as he’s not really the type to care all that much about his appearance.  Facial hair: none Skin tone: he tans pretty well in the summer but for the most part he’s pretty pale.  Birthmarks: n/a  Height: 6′0″ (183 cm)  Weight: 155 lbs (70.3 kg)  Fitness level: He doesn’t activey make an effort to excersize but he’s got a ton of energy and frequently finds himself doing so anyways. I’d describe his fitness level as slightly above average but nothing too crazy. (He still gets winded going up multiple flights of stairs.)  Clothing style: comfy yet stylish, many layers (he often wears either a jean jacket or a faux leather one), dark colors/monocrome, boots and sneakers Piercings: n/a Tattoos: one on his forearm of an octopus (like this one )  Scars: a small dent above his eyebrow from where he fell and hit his head on the corner of a table, scars from staples and an incision from when he broke his arm really badly at fifteen, various faded ones on his shins from being a clumsy kid

PAST:

Best memory: His best memory is probably the day he graduated High School. Montague wasn’t exactly into the whole school thing and considering he’d slacked off until the very end of junior year, it was a lot of hard work on his part to turn things around.  Worst memory: The first time his mom killed in front of him in order to restore her youth. She did it with such nonchilance and it terrified him.  Biggest secret: He’s a pretty open book, but his biggest secret would have to be the fact that he feels stuck and stupid without any college education or a really stable job to work towards. Biggest fear: Isolation  When they arrived on the island: Monty arrived on the island two weeks into December of 2018 in order to connect more with the supernatural community and hopefully sate his mid-twenties hormonal mess of a mindset.  How/why they arrived on the island: Montague swam to the island, not from the US but from nearby, because he’d always wanted to go to France. He had family there (500 year old family, but family nonetheless) and as he’d taken the language in school since the elementary days, he was pretty well spoken. Life in his hometown was fine but he found the whole thing boring...and there were no other supernatural’s even close to him so that was a pain in the ass.  First kiss: His first kiss happened when he was twelve, it was with a girl two years older than him that basically just attacked his face. He had no idea what to do and decided to go along with it, the result being a horrifically bad kiss with way too much teeth.  First love: The first person outside his family that Montague truly loved (romantically, that is)  would be his first boyfriend. The guy was called Justin and he was everything Monty wanted to be at age seventeen. Cool, calm, intelligent, and just a little big rebellious - Justin made the siren feel like the star of a romance movie and he was instantly hooked.  First time: His first time was also with the girl that stole his first kiss. Her name was Navami and she became one of his closest friends, someone he trusted and cared about enough to not regret having sex with. The whole thing was, once again, a bit of a disaster but he did discover a few things about himself (like just how much he liked surrendering his pleasure to someone else.)  Childhood best friend: Montague was an extremely social child and as such had many friends to choose from, none were ever defined in his mind as the ‘best friend’ but three were probably the closest to that definition: Navami, Sidney, and Zach. 

MISCELLANEOUS:

Bad habits: smoking, impulsive decision making, picking at his lips,  Positive traits: genuine, optimistic, sociable, loyal, kind, and empathetic Negative traits:  impatient, immature, occassionally self-centered, naive, talkative, and gullible Emotional stability: decent  Sociability: he loves people, parties, and anything with groups of new and exciting personalities Relationship with mother: Montague’s not very close to her but he does think she’s incredibly strong as a person and takes her advice incredibly seriouosly. She’s the type of person he admires for their hardass attitude and ability to take shit from no one. He loves her very much but they don’t often talk.  Relationship with father: His father is the person that knows  Siblings: two brothers and a sister - he’s not close to any of them but would probably sacrifce himself on their behalf nonetheless  Pets: cat called tybalt  Role models: His father, Batman, Captain Kirk, Beyonce (?) Favorite place: the beach by his childhood home Favorite animal: octopus Favorite book: Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Favorite movie: Star Trek Favorite music: Classic Rock, Alt. Rock, Classical Favorite food: French Fries/Chips Views on romance: Montague’s a romatnic, he loves romance - chocolate, flowers and all. He’d love to find a partner who shares the same views and is willing to humor him and all his silly little date ideas.  Anything else to know about them: n/a (added as I think things up)

[dearinheadlights-archived]

26 April 2021

i haven’t written in a while, but i’ve had a hard time falling asleep lately, so i might as well. i really need to work on that, and probably talk to my doctor about it. i’ve always had sleep issues related to anxiety—it’s never been easy for me to fall asleep. i’m always kept up by old memories or bad trains of thought, or even just an inability to turn my brain off. some of that may be undiagnosed adhd. but it got worse last summer, when i was diagnosed with chronic migraines. before getting out on medicine, i would spend a lot of time in bed. kind of like i am now. but i was at home, so i always had my mom giving me shit about it. she mad me feel bad some being in pain, even though i couldn’t help it. but i eventually got medicine for the migraines, and they don’t effect me as much anymore. but the fatigue from that chronic pain lingered, i think. which sucks. i always thought of myself as decently energetic. i like to do things and explore and live my life, for the most part. but i don’t have the energy anymore. physically, i’m almost always exhausted. i hate having to budget my energy in ways that other people don’t have to. i hate when i have to say no to my friends when they ask to go on a late night skate, because i do want to, but i physically can’t. and, of course, i could be doing better. i could be exercising regularly and eating more than one meal a day. i should be. but i’m just barely getting by with school as a priority right now, and even then, i’m a week behind on a final paper that i have to do for a class. i just—i KNOW i need to do better, and i want to, but there’s just so much i need to change about what i’m doing. i need to change how i sleep and eat and exercise and get a better handle on my anxiety/depression and do something about my possible adhd because it’s interfering with my classes and DO BETTER IN SCHOOL and find time to relax to recharge myself and all these things and it’s just too much.

things with [001] have been pretty good. i’ve felt really good with him lately. just, being in love with him. i don’t know. i’m going to preface my thoughts with the fact that i’m very in love with him, and think so highly of him. and honestly, i don’t feel as bad right now as i used to. but i know that my, like, trust for him has been wounded. not that i distrust him? i actually trust him a lot. but when it comes to certain things with him, i find myself second-guessing myself out of fear of being hurt. which is the worst feeling, because i look at him and feel so much love and admiration. but i don’t do certain things anymore, like changing his name in my phone or suggesting to trade a stuffie, because i’m afraid of being hurt again. i never should’ve gotten those necklaces; all i did was set myself up to get hurt. if he wanted to wear something to show he loves me, he would. if he wanted to keep track of it, he would. it was my idea—i never asked if he wanted them. i should’ve just let him get something like that for us if he ever wanted to. i was so stupid—i knew i liked him so early, even though i didn’t expect it to happen, and i let myself fall for him completely just because he said it was okay. i shouldn’t have jumped so early. i should’ve waited, until i knew he was jumping too. he’s taking steps, and i recognize and appreciate those, but i shouldn’t have moved at a fast pace than he was. stupid hopeless romantic i guess. even wearing his shirt was almost bittersweet, because i love wearing someone else’s clothing, and i was terrified of it being ripped away from me. it’s awful, because i’ve never been the type of person to hold back feelings or actions like that out of fear. but i suppose it’s not necessarily an irrational fear. i can only hope he won’t do the same thing again. plus, there are stupid gremlin feelings that get into my head when we aren’t officially together. i hate that it happens this way, but it’s like, a mutual trust thing. like, one thing is that i don’t know what to call him when people ask. he’s essentially my boyfriend, but he hates that title. but he’s more than just my friend, too. and i can’t burden people with an “it’s complicated” explanation. i don’t know. plus, i know and hate that i feel more angry and jealous towards [002] when [001] and i aren’t officially dating than when we are. when we were actually dating, i didn’t care about seeing her. it hardly phased me. but now, i know it bothers me. because, on top of all the things [002] did to me, she actually got to date [001]. she got a long relationship with him. and if that had been me, i wouldn’t have taken [001] for granted and fucked it up like [002] did. i know that it’s not the right time for [001] to be in a relationship yet because he has things to sort out first, but, i don’t know. maybe i’m overthinking it and should just enjoy what we have, because whenever i point out anything that i’m a little unhappy with, he’s had a habit of taking it too harshly and leaving me. and that’s not what i want. i want him, and i love him, and i love what we have, and i’m fine with moving at whatever pace he’s comfortable with. i think i just might need some reassurance sometimes. maybe we can work on that, once finals are over.

it’s honestly all just too much right now. i don’t want to go back home in a few days, especially while i’m still having sleep problems. seeing my parents will be tough. i wish i could just pause a specific moment and stay in it for as long as i needed to. i think i’d find a comfortable spot to rest with [001] so we could both get some sleep and not worry about anything. a big bed, so we had plenty of space to cuddle and sleep for as long as we need. and no time would pass, so we could worry about work and school and deadlines later.

anyways, i’m gonna go to sleep now. this is unedited, so sorry for any typos or weird sentences. i’ll fix it in the morning, maybe.

[purplesmmr]

more dwsa headcanons pls!!!!!! ❤️

aaaAAAA !!! anon, of cou r s e! i would LOVE to !! ❤️❤️❤️ i lov my kidsi’m jus gonna do the same layout as my other one bc it’s Neat lol (yet again, credit to @wordofyourbodyreprise for helping me out w these)

melchior: 

has a secret star trek obsession 

he’s also a huge military history buff

def a ravenclaw

he smells like a library & old spice bc he’s a ne r d

he’s fuckin Tall

he does swimming, football, and track

he’s totally the philosophical drunk

ends up goin to mit bc he’s a Smarty Pants

he also ends up getting a doctorate in something (idk,, mb physics??) but doesn’t do anything with it besides teaching at a college

has a cat named alexandria (yes after the former library in egypt) but he will veh eme ntl y deny that the cat is his

he sings when he’s drunk

wendla:

will stop everything she’s doing to pet a dog

she’s a dancer n a rly fukcign good one at that

likes to color bc she cannot actually Art

she goes to juilliard for a bit before dropping out & then going back to school to become an elementary school teacher

plays the flute

Does Not Do Running Sports

hufflepuff

she has asthma

she n ernst went to the same catholic combined elementary & middle school

that said, they dated to half make sure ernst really was gay, and half to hide that fact from their school

talks in her sleep

is al w ay s singing or humming something

moritz:

ends up with a collection of deaf animals

gallaudet bb !!

he’s always twitchy & jumpy and yet he drinks highly caffeinated things anyway

got a handjob from melchior once their freshman year (it made him realize he was ace)

he’s shorter than his gf (martha)

smells like vo5 ocean breeze conditioner, cigarette smoke, and hair gel

gryffindor for some reason??

he’s still in his teenage emo phase bc he works at hot topic (he used to work w his brother there but alex got fired. from hot topic)

he, otto, n mart all live together n they’re ha p p y

ilse:

no one ever rly knows where she is

smells like acrylics and pine trees

ends up going to yale for art but double majors it and does law too

her lawyer ass throws martha’s pos dad in jail for the rest of his mcfuckin miserable life

makes it a Thing every week to make sure her nails are short enough ;))))

doesn’t trust herself with any pets besides fish

she has two named vincent and claude

she found out a year after she had them that vincent was actually frida

gryffindor

she’s the drunk person that you can’t tell is actually drunk

martha:

she has Birds

slytherin baby

always smells like conditioner and nail polish

she took violin lessons for the longest time

for as Tol as she is, she can curl up so sm al l when she’s sleepy or is having a Rough Time

plays guitar

shows up at melchiors house unannounced sometimes??

she doesn’t go to college right away bc she needs a Break

it’s ridiculous how much she loves her boyfriends,,

like she’s always ready to kill someone if they fuck w them

hanschen:

had braces as a kid

he’s soooo bad at remembering to wear his retainer

he prbly lost it lbr

slytherin as well

goes to caltech bc he’s Fancy

he has a earthy/woody smell w a lil bit of smokiness. no one knows how he smells like that

he’s shorter than his bf and it makes him Mad

always knows when people are lying

he smokes and ernst Does Not Like That

as i’ve said before, my boy is depressed

bc of that depression + self destructive behaviors (probably learned from moritz) he’s one of the guys who’ll stub out cigarettes on his skin

he’s got a big gay crush on chris evans

ernst:

he anxiously taps but it’s always in a three-four pattern

bites his nails

hufflepuff

he has a notebook for pressing and diagramming plants

he presses flowers for all his friends

he’s got some in a phone case to make it pretty

gets ver y loud and swears a lot during sex

he’s naturally left handed but was forced to use his right hand in elementary school bc they thought left handedness was the devil’s work

he smells like orange ginger shampoo

he’s a soccer nerd and also does knowledge bowl

georg:

he’s,,, a fuckign band student an d a wrestler

he gets shit all the time for wresting from his friends (specifically otto)

he n otto are gryffindor buddies

as mentioned previously, he plays a fuckton of instruments 

piano, cello, trumpet, percussion, slide whistle, french horn, oboe, alto clarinet, and my personal favorite, the super bone

he ends up with sooo many dogs

smells like valve oil and rosin. even after he showers and does laundry

he sometimes doesn’t think before he says things and ends up making ppl upset

h*cka jewish

he got melitta to listen to Emo bands like fall out boy and panic! at the disco but in return, she got him to religiously listen to lana del rey

otto:

golden retriever guy. that’s all i have to say on the matter

smells like charcoal and fire smoke

he’s an artsy hoe who likes to do portraits of his gf

he knows how to surf

ends up going to unc for college, not really sure what he’s gonna do for a career

he eventually becomes a pediatric nurse who loves all the kids and sneaks small animals in for them

proposes to martha a nu m be r of times but she’s happy with things as they are (she eventually says yes though)

he gets really good at being able to calm moritz down when he’s not doing too well

would drop literally ev  ery th in g for mo and mart

thea:

she’s dating marianna wheelan and they’re adorable

ravenclaw

wendla’s best friend

has some kind of Twin Telepathy with melitta

she smells like hazelnut 

she’s hoh and uses sign in most public situations, melitta usually acts as her translator

makes constant closet jokes

always has a deck of cards on her

she’s got some depression

has a combined playbills collection with melitta

Huge crush on tom holland

gay for brenda song

melitta:

makes terrible puns at even worse times

has a te r ri b le memory and adhd

loves to just,, sit in small coffee shops to feel the atmosphere

smells like vanilla

ravenclaw

she, hanschen, and thea are all witches (so is martha)

loves crystal and candle magic, is really good about sensing auras

tarot master

she and thea are supposed to follow hanschen out to california for college after they graduate, but melitta ends up staying on the east coast

tends to excessively beat herself up about things, even after people aren’t mad anymore

never leaves the house without stones and/or crystals

always shading, always vague posting

anna:

she’s a hufflepuff

smells like a combination of floral and fruity

her fashion sense is to die for and everyone goes to her for advice

everyone minus ilse that is bc she’s ilse and she makes her own fashion rules

would totally make the red carpet her bitch

v confrontational

lives in a constant state of Denial that she’s related to bobby

Mom friend that makes everyone’s appointments for them

during the winter season at school, she carries two thermoses around

one is hot chocolate and the other is vodka

she charges melchior for the vodka

she has asthma too and likes to make jokes about “ well thank god i don’t run”

[torinspeer-blog]

GET TO KNOW ME

1. What’s your first name? Torin 2. What are you listening to right now? 
The ambient noises of my property. OH! SHIT! Uhhh... punk rock Spotify playlist-punk pop's not dead 3. What was the last thing you ate?
Tuna fish sandwich 4. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? 
"Attention: important seniors!" Medicare 5. Do you drink? 
🤤🤤🤤 6. Do you smoke? 
Only to give myself cancer!👍👏👏🙌💯 7. What is the first thing you noticed in someone? 
I think it depends on the individual? I mean I'm an intuition dom and have ADHD so it's not like I notice🤷‍♀️ 8. What is your hair color? 
Very dark brown 9. What is your eye color?
Hazel 10. Do you wear contacts/glasses? 
Reading glasses 11. Dogs or cats? 
dogs no shit you ever seen a kitters run around like a little glob weeaboo? Uhuh I didn't think so hun! 12. What’s your favorite animal? 
ANY ANIMAL THAT CUDDLES ME AND MAKES ME FEEL LESS ALONE!!!!! 13. What’s your favorite television show? 
Parks and rec probably (seen the ending? On the emotional level it's more like parks and rekt am I fucking right guys? YEET!) 14. What’s your favorite movie? 
Farris buellers day off what am I a hipster? 15. What’s your favorite band/singer? 
GREENDAYGREENDAYGREENDAYGREENDAYENFP4W5PIXIEPRIDESON!!!! 16. How old are you? 
19. I'm old enough to know a thing or two. Like, literally. I know one thing and maybe another but no more than that. 17. Do you have a crush on anyone? yes... don't worry. I burry my feelings deep inside my soul just like every other well adjusted adult 18. What’s your sexual orientation? 
I thought I was bi but then a bi guy said hi from behind and that thought ended 19. What’s your favorite color?
blue? Red? Purple? I'm more of a... ummm... shit 20. What was your most embarrassing moment? 
😂😂😂 ok, so there was this one time, I was born, and it got soooooyyyt awkward!!😂😂😳 21. Do you ever wish you were someone else? 
Oh god I have enough extisensial dread as is holy shit take that to someone else 22. What were you like when you were a kid? 
Lazy, stupid, and never gonna accomplish anything with a work ethic like that hahahaHAHAHAHA SOMEBODY TAKE THE PAIN AWAY 23. What would your dream house be like? 
A little house in the prairies where I can sit in the front yard with my wife in a rocking chair and watch my grandchildren play 24. What last made you laugh? 
My last joke, bitch 25. What is your favorite word? 
Romp... hehehe. It makes me think of cute little bunny rabbits hopping along in the woods 26. What is your least favorite word? 
No 27. What turns you on? IF YOU LET ME TALK FOR A WHILE AND GIGGLE AND THINK IM SMART I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER 28. What turns you off? 
ME NOT BEING ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE PEOPLE (holy shit I mean these are jokes but like god do I need therapy? Holy shit). 29. What is your star sign? 
Sometimes, when I'm lost, I like to look for a sign to know whether I'm standing in the light of the word, or its darkness (the joke is that I use the sun as a sign for if it's daytime hartyharhar). 30. What are your favorite books? 
 31. Do you have any siblings? 
two brothers and two sisters 32. Do you like to dance? Depends if you count air guitar and awkward lanky jolting as dancing cuz if yes THEN YA IM THE FUCKING MLG TRICK SHOT KING OF THAT SHIT. 33. What is your definition of cheating? 
Summoning help in dark souls 34. Have you ever cheated on someone? 
Nope 35. Do you regret anything? 
Who the hell doesn't? Regret is a natural and essential piece of the human condition. It's horrible, but it teaches us how to live. 36. Do you have any phobias? Tight spaces high spaces suffocating in spaces (pluralized by virtue of multiverse theory) standing in line waiting to talk getting cut off cutting someone off cutting myself my memes not being fresh enough you know normal people stuff 37. Ever broken any bones? Sadly, no😔 38. Ever come close to death? 
I mean I almost killed myself several time soooo... (guys before you ask I'm ok now don't worry I'm just figuring my shit out😂😂) 39. What is your religion, if any? 
I worship at the holy grail of Cthulhu ahem check your privilege 40. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? 
Yes. I had a crush on her. Refer to question #27 41. Are looks important in a relationship? 
They aren't the most important thing but yes I like being sexually attracted to people I'll potentially fuck exclusively for the rest of my life 42. Are you more like your mom or your dad? 
I refuse to identify commonalities 43. What is your favorite season? 
Springs, or fall. I don't pay attention but I live in Arizona so whatever time my balls aren't stuck to my pants🤗 44. Do you have any tattoos? 
No but if I did it would just be "[]" because it's basically "[insert here]" brackets so I could tell people it's for or means or is about anything I want to. 45. Do you have any piercings? 
No. But I have pierced myself IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN😂😂🙌💯 46. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? 
1? One lasted four days does that count? Cuz then it's 2. God... I need to get laid. OR HAVE AN ADORABLE HUNAM TO CUDDLE AND TALK TO AND DO THE DIRTY WITH AS THE CHERRY ON TOP OF HER CHERRY😂😂😂 oh god I kill myself😂 47. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? As MBTI lore would suggest (I'm an enfp btw howdy), my soul belongs to sexy anime babes. 48. Who is your celebrity crush? ... that just made me feel lonely and I don't know why 49. Are you a virgin? 😉 50. Do you get jealous easily? Depends on the situation. I always keep it under wraps though. 51. What is your favorite type of food? 
BUFFALO WINGS!!!! THOSE BETTER EXIST IN THE HEAVEN I DONT BELIEVE IN 52. Do you ever want to get married? 
Hell ya my dude! 53. Who was your first kiss with? 
My first girlfriend. 54. Have you ever been cheated on? 
... 55. What is your idea of the perfect date? 
No idea. Just as long as we connect really well and I have the sense of finding someone who actually makes sense as a person and does that in a way complimentary to who I am. Talk about life I guess. NO HOLY SHIT TALK ABOUT LIFE FUCK YES!!!! 56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? 
Introverted extrovert😉😉😉 57. Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets? 
I doubt it but I believe in a neighboring universe where Hitler doesn't have a mustache soooo.... 58. What talent do you wish you’d been born with? 
Self esteem 59. What is your saddest memory? 
Hahahaha... no 60. Do you believe in love at first sight? 
no but I do believe in getting your jimmies rustled on first sight😉 61. Do you believe in soul mates? 
I'm a nihilist. I believe in finding someone who fits you well enough that the tear in your soul is mostly ignorable, but not anyone who's made for you 62. Have you ever dyed your hair? 
No 63. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? 
So one of the definitions for my name in urban dictionary is "Torin: likes to masturbate with the slimy sea creatures of the sea to get that real pussy feel. Synonymous with 'squids'."... apparently that escalated from fiction to fact very quickly. 64. Would you go against your moral code for money? 
It depends. Ends justify the means. For example: I would stomp several puppies to death in an absolutely brutal fashion in order to save the lives of millions of children starving to death in Africa. 65. What are three things most people don’t know about you? 
I've struggled with depression since 8th grade. I'm fairly certain their are missing pieces of my personality, which would explain why there's a different version of me for every person and why I forget who I am after just like 2 days of being alone. I don't cry a lot but it's not for healthy reasons. 66. Who are you jealous of?
Basically everyone 67. Do you sleep with a stuffed toy? 
NO BUT NOW I WANT TO I JUST GOT ALL WARM AND FUZZY FEELING 68. How long was your longest relationship? 
About six months 69. Is the glass half empty or half full? 
It's in the eye of the beholder. It doesn't really matter which one it is though, it only matters what you do with what's left. 70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? 
😳 I'll wait to tell you until the third date😉 71. Who are your closest friends?
Currently a college friend who's out of state. I tend not to stay particularly close to people for too long tho... ok well shit now I'm sad 72. Are you in a relationship? 
Nope 73. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? 
I don't even have a joke wow fuck I'm lonely 74. Are you a bad person? 
STOP MAKING ME THINK ABOUT THIS SHIT IF I DO AND I DECIDE IM NOT I WILL SLIP INTO A SEVERE DEPRESSION that sounded funny in my head holy shit no it was not 75. Are you a lover or a fighter? 
I fight for love💁 76. What did you do on your last birthday? 
Some stuff my mother wouldn't be proud of 77. What is your favorite quote and why? 
“Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I've done it a thousand times." -Mark Twain. It illustrates some things I'm not in the mindset to process 78. If your best friend died, what would you do? 
NUUUUUUUUUU FUCKIN STAAAAHHHHHPPP I WILL CRY 5EVR 79. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? 
Beat my bitch ass (holy shit I need to process stuff stop asking me these questions I thought I had a healthy-ish self esteem but clearly not #sendhalp) 80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? 
I have ADHD, so probably process everything at once and feel to panicked to do anything. That or the stimulation would be enough that I'd do everything and anything I wanted with no inhibitions. 81. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had? 
One time I sucked on this hot chicks nipples and not only did it taste nasty but the nipple grew and stabbed my fucking throat OMG I DEEPTHROATED A NIPPLE THAT JUST CLICKED WTF 82. Are you happier single or in a relationship? 
In a relationship, if it's with the right person. 83. Who were you in a past life? 
Mark Twain Bitch! 84. What is your happiest childhood memory? 
I have no idea. None of them exist in a vacuum. They only matter in context of everything else. 85. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? 
The majority of my life since my first boner yes. 86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend? 
Oh I had like fucking 10 but they were all tv show characters except for one and I didn't like him that much. 87. If you were the president, what would you do? 
I would gather as much information as possible about the most important matters and work down from there. 88. What is your ideal career? 
Rn, comedian 89. What is your political affiliation? INDEPENDENT BITCH! 90. Are you conservative or liberal? 
I'm left leaning. I identify more with liberal values but both are important in order to balance eachother out (that's why our political atmosphere is so volatile. Used to be we'd have a democrat then a republican and they'd switch every year, but congress would have the opposite orientation as the president. Now we have a switching one party system every year.) 91. Is the male or female body closest to perfection? 
FUCKING WOMEN ARE YOU KIDDING ME WOMEN ARE HOURGLASSES MEN ARE LIKE UPSIDE DOWN TRIANGLES WITH LEGS AND A LITTLE DONGLE HOW IS THIS A QUESTION??!?!! 92. Do you like kissing in public? 
No. I'm constantly aware of everything going on around me so I need some privacy. 93. If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change? 
humans can choose super powers (I'm keeping this one from the last guy's answers fucking savage dude) 94. Where would you like to live? 
NEW YORK CITY 95. Where would you go on your dream vacation? 
NEW YORK CITY EXCEPT I STAY THERE 96. Describe yourself in one word. 
eclectic 97. Describe yourself in one sentence. 
LISTEN TO GREENDAY "walking contradiction" AND ANY SIMILAR SONG!!

[a-salty-frenchfry]

all da questions fam

I hate you

Ask me things

1. What’s your middle name? Elyce

2. What are you listening to right now? Hikaru Nara by Goose House (from Your Lie in April)

3. What was the last thing you ate? McDonalds 

4. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My aunt

5. Do you drink? Nah. I will when I got to Paris this Summer though hehe

6. Do you smoke? Hell no

7. What is the first thing you noticed in someone? Hair

8. What is your hair color? Black/light brown at the ends 

9. What is your eye color? Brown

10. Do you wear contacts/glasses? Nada

11. Dogs or cats? Cat 

12. What’s your favorite animal? I guess cat or bunny 

13. What’s your favorite television show? The Next Food Network Star or any of the Seasonal Baking Championships

14. What’s your favorite movie? Either Frozen or Moana 

15. What’s your favorite band/singer? Taylor swift and Alizée

16. How old are you? 18

17. Do you have a crush on anyone? Yeeee

18. What’s your sexual orientation? Straight

19. What’s your favorite color? Pink or mint green

20. What was your most embarrassing moment? 

This is the only one I can think of right now 

In February, when I was at a French Conversation Hour, someone kept calling me and everyone is like “you should answer it” (I NEVER answer the phone if I don’t know the number by the way). So by the 4th call, I answered it, put it on speaker, said “bonjour”, and started speaking in French and acting like I didn’t speak any English (just in case it was a scam or something). After a few moments of worry and confusion she says “I have a package from Amazon…is this [my name]?” Then I start apologizing like crazy, everyone bursts out laughing, then I go to meet her at the Student Center to pick up my package and apologize some more (because mail services were closed and I ordered one day delivery). I explained that I was in a French club and never answer unknown numbers. I hope I gave her a fun story to tell her coworkers lol

TL;DR I answered an unknown number speaking in French in case it was a scam, turns out it was an Amazon employee with my package and I made her worried that I didn’t speak English

21. Do you ever wish you were someone else? Not really. Probably still me, but without ADHD because it sucks and I hate it 

22. What were you like when you were a kid? Hyper and lazy

23. What would your dream house be like?

Cozy one or two-story home with a lawn and nice furniture. The dream would be in the kitchen though since I love baking: double oven with convection, beautiful sink w/motion sensor faucet, and stainless steel two-door fridge w/freezer and a blast chiller, professional Kitchen Aid stand mixer, you get the gist. Basically a Food Network competition style kitchen 😍

24. What last made you laugh? SB2 reaction to Sailor Moon Crystal videos.

25. What is your favorite word? Fuck

26. What is your least favorite word? Almost anything that is associated with nsfw content

27. What turns you on? Boys who are too pure for this world (my current crush went on a 7-month international trip to do charity work in third-world countries 😭❤️ )

28. What turns you off? Conservatives (doesn’t mean I won’t like you at all. It just means I won’t like you romantically, which I’m assuming is what this question is asking)

29. What is your star sign? Cancer

30. What are your favorite books? The Mortal Instruments series

31. Do you have any siblings? Younger little shit brother 

32. Do you like to dance? Alone

33. What is your definition of cheating? Acting on romantic/sexual feelings for anyone other than current significant other

34. Have you ever cheated on someone? No

35. Do you regret anything? Lots

36. Do you have any phobias? Arachnophobia and astraphobia

37. Ever broken any bones? No

38. Ever come close to death? More than once. Peanut allergies are a bitch 🙃

39. What is your religion, if any? Roman Catholic, but very loosely

40. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? No

41. Are looks important in a relationship? Meh. While looks are usually what attracts and starts a relationship, in the long run, you love the person for their soul, not just a pretty face

42. Are you more like your mom or your dad? Mom

43. What is your favorite season? Spring

44. Do you have any tattoos? No

45. Do you have any piercings? Ears

46. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? 2 bfs

47. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? Multiple

48. Who is your celebrity crush? Don’t really have one, but I guess Zac Efron?

49. Are you a virgin? Yes

50. Do you get jealous easily? Only with close friends

51. What is your favorite type of food? Italian

52. Do you ever want to get married? Yes

53. Who was your first kiss with? I’m #foreveralone fam

54. Have you ever been cheated on? No

55. What is your idea of the perfect date? A walk. Just walking around a park, or an amusement park, or maybe a festival; talking, holding hands, perhaps buying a snack/souvenir from a street vendor; taking in the scenery and enjoying each other’s company.

56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Ambivert

57. Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets? Yes and no. The universe is way too fucking big to be certain

58. What talent do you wish you’d been born with? Musical

59. What is your saddest memory? When my parents broke the news that my grandma died

60. Do you believe in love at first sight? No. See 41. You can’t “love” someone for who they are before you even meet them. Otherwise it’s lust at first sight.

61. Do you believe in soul mates? Sure

62. Have you ever dyed your hair? The lower half of my hair was dyed blue for about 5 months. Then I dyed to black again because Prom and Graduation 

63. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? Not that I know of

64. Would you go against your moral code for money? Not MY moral code.

65. What are three things most people don’t know about you? 1) I know 3 languages. 2) I want to go to culinary school in Paris. 3) I used to do horseback riding

66. Who are you jealous of? Anyone @sheeptansplayground calls her best friend who isn’t me lmao

67. Do you sleep with a stuffed toy? No Yeah, like 3

68. How long was your longest relationship? 7 months

69. Is the glass half empty or half full? There’s liquid in it

70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Do something romantic that’s tied with Filipino culture (even saying something like “I love you” in Tagalog is good enough for me. Lame I know, but I have low standards lmao)

71. Who is your most loyal friend? @sheeptansplayground  or so I thought

72. Are you in a relationship? No

73. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? N/A

74. Are you a bad person? I’m human. Good/bad person is an imaginary concept made up by society. It all depends on perspective.

75. Are you a lover or a fighter? Lover

76. What did you do on your last birthday? Had family and a couple friends over

77. What is your favorite quote and why? “People push you to your limits and when you finally explode and fight back, they think you are the mean one”. I relate to this a lot. There’s only one person I’ve ever exploded on and have felt *true* hatred for, yet I’M the unreasonable one.

78. If your best friend died, what would you do? Fall into a major depression and give up on everything

79. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? Reblogging this fucking post. 

80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? EAT and confess to my crush I love him 

81. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had?

When I was in elementary school, I had a dream where there was this “special” star in the sky, and it looked like something out of a children’s book (it had a smiley face with dimples and was pretty cute). But I was unimpressed by it, which apparently hurt its feelings because it frowned and then shot down like a shooting star. Then the cops came after me. After that, I became afraid of shooting stars for like 5 years.

82. Are you happier single or in a relationship? Idk I’ve never had a “real” relationship

83. Who were you in a past life? A tiger Lol thanks BuzzFeed

84. What is your happiest childhood memory? Spending time with my grandma every Summer and Thanksgiving 

85. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? Yep

86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend? Nope

87. If you were the president, what would you do? Fix the damn healthcare

88. What is your ideal career? Pastry chef, perhaps a well-known one on Food Network

89. What is your political affiliation? Democrat

90. Are you conservative or liberal? Liberal af

91. Is the male or female body closest to perfection? Depends on your definition of “perfection”

92. Do you like kissing in public? Maybe a quick peck on the cheek or lips

93. If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change? Goodbye greed

94. Where would you like to live? Either current hometown or France

95. Where would you go on your dream vacation? Nice, France

96. Describe yourself in one word. Shy

97. Describe yourself in one sentence. For the most part I’m a Cinnamon Roll™, but push me over the edge and you’ll get a demon. (Connected to question 77)

[fencesandfrogs]

really hate how i can just lose an entire tumblr post because i accidentally resized a window.

anyway there’s no fun preamble this time i was rambling about abuse and love and i don’t want to reworkshop the lead in joke.

[2k words, 8 minute read. text wall. mostly avoids outright description of abuse, but i still wouldn’t recommend it as reading if you’re iffy about that kind of thing.]

okay to quickly summarize what i said before i lost everything: i’m talking about how abuse shaped my views of love in a way that’s really fundamental and i don’t often realize.

i dated this guy for like three years, if we were older we’d probably have been married ergo i feel weird calling him my boyfriend.

we both had similar abusive households. bad dads, moms who inadvertently exacerbated it, younger siblings we felt the need to shelter from what we experienced. he wasn’t ready to acknowledge his household as such, i didn’t push it.

i have this really unhealthy protective streak over feelings/how people who love me need to confide in me always or they don’t care that i love them, something i am working on and is no longer that dramatic, but in the context of this, it used to be.

when my brother was born i struggled w how i felt about him. he was my father’s golden child (not my mothers, i’m not sure how he’ll feel about her considering i have it as a fact i am her Actual Truthful Literal Favorite Child, but i don’t think she shows it? but i don’t know for sure) something which made me push him away

also, my mom and i lived on our own for two years when i was 2ish in like a really tight financial situation.

so my brother just has positive memories of my dad and even when i’m twelve and haven’t started being done with my father’s bs, i do feel like there’s this massive wall of why i am like i am that he just doesn’t get.

anyway so then my parents get divorced properly and i’m like “well shit, can’t believe i was stupid enough to trust in the stability of their relationship. guess i’m never going to believe in stable romance. time to never get married or have children because like fuck i’m bringing them into this world.”

interestingly, i did not go “men are untrustworthy,” as i would have honestly expected (because i’m basically going “well my mom and my grandmother both picked bad men who were bad in the same way guess my family doesn’t know how to pick husbands”), possibly because of complex reasons that may leak out as i continue to write, for a while, i honestly viewed my mom as worse than my dad. that’s, definitely not true and has to do with how they both interacted with me and how it played off one another, so.

anyway i thought about that but then i also had read the first part of seven habits of highly productive people or whatever its called and was like “hm yes love is a verb isn’t it guess that means love is a choice but also if i love someone then i better do it with my full body because i’m not going to cause the inevitable instability of any and all future relationships”

which, you may be able to see where this is going basically. i’m already hyper protective. there are some gaps in my childhood memory but i felt the need to protect my mom from my dad so do with that what you will. i usually interpret the charitable child-doesn’t-understand-romantic-affection. if for some reason you feel the need to bring this up with me, i will probably block you because i just can’t but it is relevant to this post.

and so my baby brother who i love dearly but also feel is getting all the love and acceptance i didn’t but also doesn’t understand why i’m the way i am (because he’s, you know, six) gets older and i’m like. “hm. seems like now that i’ve made myself a nontarget, he’s taking the brunt of it. can’t have that nope he doesn’t know how to protect himself he takes it personally. that’s weak, but that’s fine that’s because everyone else babies him but not me. i shall both protect him from harm and encourage him to be strong.”

fun fact: we once had a sword fight with sticks. he was six or seven. i was twelve or thirteen. he got whacked and his nose started bleeding. i refused to acknowledge i was doing anything wrong, because he should have accepted the risks.

(in my defence, my mom told me something similar a lot, and i didn’t really grasp that him being six meant he had much less reasoning power. as far as i was concerned, i had sprung from the womb fully intact like athena and just had to be taught how to do things, which meant my logical processing had never improved, it was just always that good.)

but at the same time, i was desperate to win back his trust and affection.

by ruffling his hair because it irritated the shit out of him. but that was done because maybe if he could learn to deal with that, he could learn to put up a wall when anyone yelled at him. and in the meantime, i would happily antagonize my father, because if he yelled at me at the dinner table, he’d apologize to my brother for upsetting him.

now. i don’t think ruffling your younger sibling’s hair is really anything to make a fuss over, and my dad is definitely not the “i do this to make you better” type, so i’m not sure exactly what to say about all this, except that it happened.

and so this idea of self-sacrifice in love, both in drawing other harm to myself and in being “loved less” to prevent future harm, became very essential to my whole idea of love.

so. i have three relationships, in relatively quick succession. the first is a quasi-romance that last for an indefinite amount of time but definitively ends when i decide i need to break up with the second.

the second is 3 months long, and basically can be summarized as: “this person is kind and never yells at me and is attractive. we get along and he makes me laugh and smile and is generally a good boyfriend. he makes me feel special and he respects my interests and he legitimately wants me to be happy. i feel safe with him, and i feel like i trust him.

unfortunately i’m not personally attracted to him, and i have 0 romantic interest in him.”

also, we wanted very different things in the future. we were like 14, but see: “my love for someone must be timeless for it to matter”

so i broke up with him because while i felt some kind of love towards him, it wasn’t what he wanted. which you know is a generally good thing, but it still feeds back into my idea of love.

love is sacrifice and pain. i love him, so i slash our relationship to prevent him from being hurt in the future. it doesn’t matter how i feel.

so then i date someone for three years and i display exactly the same behaviour and while i legitimately think we had a good relationship, i’ve been reflecting on the worse parts & he definitely, i believe inadvertently, took advantage of my self-sacrificing tendencies.

or, to put it more verbosely but correctly, he shared my longevity in relationships/love but not my total committal to 100% of yourself immediately, nor my self-sacrificing streak*.

*we’ll circle back to this

he actually was way more cautious in trusting me. which is actual the true reason he broke up with me, regardless of what he says. but that’s neither here nor there.

so he’s dating this person who is definitely traumatized (case in point: he once put his hand on my shoulder, which startled me because i didn’t know he was there, and i whirled around, primed to uppercut him, before i realized “oh hey i both know this person also i know everyone in this building there are like 10k people in town and 500 people in my school i do not need to hurt anyone”), but he can’t quite acknowledge that because that means he’s also abused, which isn’t true.

so i both can’t understand what he’s going through (which the implication because it’s worse), but also, he understands what i’ve been through. because he’s been through it.

(to which i say: lmao he saw the aftermath. the best parts, short of when i was three. he saw the direct incidents i could point to. i don’t think i ever mentioned a Lot of shit.

also other stuff thoroughly traumatized me. i still carry granola bars with me because if someone says they haven’t eaten a meal i feel compelled to make sure they eat.)

ergo, acknowledging that i need him to make concessions to feel safe and secure in our relationship means that our shared experiences, of which is are worse, are traumatizing, and we can’t have that, now can we?

so i can’t be overly self-sacrificing, unwilling to blame, and yet also turning minor disputes into major issues in a way that demands he meet me in the middle. nominally, yes, he promises to take blame fairly, but he can’t really follow through on that, because that means i am not behaving like him, which we can’t have.

(this was also an issue re. mental health and adhd. pretty much the same thought loop.)

there’s a lot of stuff i think, but namely that time he told me i couldn’t possibly understand how hard it is to make a decision that might cause tension in your family when i, age 14, fucking did that?

like, yeah, i made this decision that i knew would cut ties with my father and i knew might sever my chance at having a positive relationship with my brother, the singular person i love most in the entire world, watched that play out, waited with bated breath until my brother came back to me, still whole, when i was fourteen.

also, i then watched my mother do it again, once when i was sixteen and once just a few months ago.

i think i do in fact understand how that might feel.

anyway i’m losing my point and i’m hungry but basically. even now i have a hard time saying “this is not a fully healthy way to love,” not in a “i don’t accept that i was hurt as a child” way, but in a “but how else do you love?” way

i’m sure you can see that i drag concessions around almost every statement i make regarding my behaviour and the behaviour of those i love. the idea of actually posting this seems bad.

i think finding someone equally self sacrificial, confrontational, and ride or die from basically the get go would be absolutely fine.

(realism check: probably not, but let me have this.)

so. yeah. that’s cool.

*oh wait i just realized so. current theory about break up. is it was an act of self sacrifice just like mine. i’m not really being super fair to him, because i’m a lil angry, there was a lot of stuff going on i didn’t talk about because this is about me, dammit

but anyway he did definitely have plenty of acts of sacrifice, and this break up was very similar to the one i had before. i think he was on some level aware, beyond the cursury reasons given (both from him and me, earlier in this post), that he was harming me. not intentionally, not even always directly, and rarely in a way i blamed him for, but that he was, by the way he was, exploiting something buried very deep inside of me.

so he said, “this is not what i want, it doesn’t matter what matthew wants, this is what’s best for him and that’s what i truly want.”

which, you know, has me being like “ah yes r relationship. how good it was. what a fitting end. he did the good thing.”

should i be thinking that? that’s a discussion for another time.

[angelic-kins]

❄️ Shouto Todoroki Memory Journal ❄️

[❄️] — I was in a poly relationship with Izuku, Katsuki, and Eijiro! 

[❄️] — Izuku was a non-dysphoric trans man, Ochako was a trans woman, and Katsuki was also a trans man. 

[❄️] — I was nb!! I didn't really have a specific label I identified as, but agender is the closest to describe my identity.

[❄️] — While I did have self inflicted scars, they were only on my left side. They we're still very obvious, being surrounded by burns from my father.

[❄️] — Originally, Izuku and I and Katsuki and Eijiro were two separate relationships that eventually merged.

[❄️] — Of course, the relationship didn't start too well with all of us all wary of Katsuki and Izuku's relationship. There was a disaster double date before Eijiro threw them both together so they could talk it out.

[❄️] — Eijiro and I's feelings for each other were overly obvious, yet neither of us acted upon them until Izuku got involved and suggested the merging of relationships

[❄️] — When I became a pro hero, I also was diagnosed with severe PTSD from past child abuse. This resulted in frequent panic attacks and nightmares.

[❄️] — Because of this, I wasn't able to work much. I was more of a rescue hero that worked along side others.

[❄️] — However, Endeavor's abusive parenting was not revealed until later. He was arrested for sexual assault and child abuse when I was about twenty.

[❄️] — At some point in time, all four of us got married. There was debate over whose last name we would all take, eventually we settled on Midoriya-Kirishima, which eventually turned into Midorishima. 

[❄️] — Todoroki was completely completely thrown out of the options from the beginning. Getting rid of my father's name was a way to reclaim myself as my mother's instead of his.

[❄️] — Katsuki had a strange family situation, from which I vaguely remember him speaking about it when discussing genetics. I don't quite remember why we were talking about genetics and recessive quirk traits. 

[❄️] — I have a vague memory of Katsuki saying that Mitsuki was actually his aunt instead of his mother, and having not actually ever met his mother. I'm not too sure about anything else, however. 

[❄️] — Katsuki was bipolar, I think. He also had dyscalculia.

[❄️] — His biological mother was either bipolar or had borderline, I don't know.

[❄️] — Mitsuki used to make ableist comments to Izuku because he was autistic.

[❄️] — Izuku was autistic, he stimmed by waving around his hands and jumping.

[❄️] — Kaminari was also autistic, Shinso was, too.

[❄️] — Shinso, Kaminari, and Sero were in a poly relationship. Often times they babysat our kids when shit started going down.

[❄️] — Eijiro was raised by two women, who were once heroes, and lots of aunts and uncles. He came from a very large family. 

[❄️] — His moms names were Aiko and Haruko.

[❄️] — I think Crimson Riot was one of Eijiro's uncles, and I think Red Riot was actually one of his mother's names. Not certain. 

[❄️] — For the holidays and such after the sports festival, I used to go over and spend them with Eijiro and his family. My siblings lived outside of town for the most part, and I refused to spend it with my father. Eijiro was kind enough to invite me.

[❄️] — Unlike Izuku or Katsuki having to push me to become close to them, I naturally became close to Eijiro. He had a calming and protective aura about him that drew me in. One of the first people I befriended instead of them befriending me.

[❄️] — Eijiro had ADHD and dyslexia.

[❄️] — Katsuki went deaf in our second year.

[❄️] — I was the only decent cook in the relationship. Eijiro never knew what he was doing, Katsuki tended to burn things, and Izuku was just messy. I always cooked.

[❄️] — Even before moving in and marrying Katsuki, Izuku, and Eijiro, I had to cook for myself and my father. If I didn't cook, I'd starve. If I messed it up, I was beaten. I learned to do everything perfectly, and if I messed up, it led to a panic attack.

[❄️] — Despite the bad memories, the kitchen was my safe place. No one bothered me in the kitchen, and I could easily defend myself there. 

[❄️] — When I was younger and my mother was first taken away, Endeavor neglected to feed me. I had to steal snacks and hide them when he slept. When I learned to cook, I learned to cook more than enough, so I could package it up and hide it for when I was unable to cook. 

[❄️] — I did not have a lot of control over my left side, so I'm bursts of emotion, bad things happened. I specifically remember having a hand on Izuku's thigh and him getting me flustered. I ended up burning a hand print into his thigh. It was not any better that All Might walked in right as I was trying to ice the burn on the commons.

[❄️] — Katsuki was very protective. Even more so after Izuku came out as trans to the public, and later when I opened up the public to my childhood.

[❄️] — I was not super tall, but I also wasn't super short. Katsuki was the tallest, and I reached just his shoulder, Eijiro was about the same. Izuku was the smallest at around 5'4".

[❄️] — Eijiro was very touchy feely, clingy. He liked tracing scars, hugging, brushing though hair, and counting freckles.

[❄️] — Everyone absolutely loved Izuku's freckles, you couldn't kiss him without kissing all his freckles.

[❄️] — I think I had burn marks on my upper thigh and hand prints littering my body. I was never ashamed of it, though. Eijiro called them battle scars.

[❄️] — Katsuki had lots of piercings, I remember him having a tongue, nose, and brow piercing at the most, though he likely had more.

[❄️] — We had four kids in total. Rei was mine and Izuku's biological kid, she was named after my mother.

[❄️] — She had cotton candy pink hair, which Katsuki thought was hilarious.

[❄️] — She had a water controlling quirk.

[❄️] — Katsuki and Izuku had identical twin boys named Fusaaki and Fuyoko. I don't remember their quirks.

[❄️] — I believe Izuku and Eijiro tried for a kid a couple times, though after Izuku had two miscarriages, Katsuki had offered up his own body.

[❄️] — I don't think pregnancy was a good experience for Katsuki, he was very dysphoric during that time and hated being stuck in the house.

[❄️] — They had a little girl named Chisaki, I think.