#HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAKUZU!!!

[yowyowyaoi]

Kakuzu’s Daily Texts from the Akatsuki

From Tobi

I paid already!

I didn’t break it that was Senpai!

Please Kakuzu-san come look at it, that plant made my arms so itchy 😓

If Itachi can have one why can’t I ?!

How old do YOU think I am 🤪

Don’t worry I didn’t buy it I “borrowed” it 

You don’t need to get so mad, I know how to fix it!

From Zetsu

Please inform your partner that it’s MY job to dispose of the bodies, and I don’t appreciate him interfering with my meals.

I did the scouting, he’s in that small village with the lake in the middle, house with a red roof.

You keep the money, I’m only interested in his head.

YOU try talking to her when she’s in one of her moods!

I truly appreciate your “finding” that artificial sun lamp for me. The winter should be much more bearable now.

From Konan

No more excuses. I made your favorite and you WILL come and eat.

Oh he did? Funny how this is the FOURTH time he’s made this “mistake” this month. 

I need a bigger budget than that. Have you not seen how much these guys eat?? 😒

All three of them? Together? Are you sure that’s wise? 

No more recruits unless absolutely necessary. Money aside I simply cannot “adjust” to one more person in this organization.

“Grandfather” is a bit exaggerated; you’re much too handsome for that, my friend 😏

Of course I appreciate the help but you did NOT have to kill him! 

Please come and join us. It’s a documentary but I know you’ll like it.

I’ve tried to be patient but I’m done asking. My next warning will be paper-cuts to their jugulars. 😡

From Sasori

Overexertion and poor nutrition isn’t doing a man your age any favors.

He said *I* started it? Tell him to watch himself before I decide to END it as well.

Boyfriends or babysitters? 😂

I finished the first two volumes, I highlighted the parts I thought you’d find most useful.

He needed it tightened so I’ll be sending him to you when you have a moment.

If you truly wanted one I could work on building one for you. It would be a version of my Hiroku.

Why would I contribute to that? I don’t eat.

From Itachi

I think I need a new prescription, everything is blurry again.

Thank you, I appreciate the advice.

You were sleeping so I slid the money under your door.

If he does it again I’m using my eyes and tormenting him for 72 hours 😡

Borrow it any time you like. I think we have the same hair type so mine should work great for you.

What meowing? 👀

It wasn’t that much blood don’t worry.

Kisame’s carrying him, I have Deidara.

Not really. It’s a spectrum, right?

Honestly? No. He’ll probably shred it with that scythe of his.

From Nagato

Did you pay the electric bill?

Did you pay the heating bill?

Did you pay the water bill?

You didn’t kill the bill collector did you ?

If they caused the damage, it comes from their checks.

If he feeds it himself I don’t mind.

The eye drops help a lot, thanks.

No we’ve discussed this. Anyone else, fine. But Konan NEVER sees a single bill. Understood?

If the punishment is within reason, yes. Don’t go overboard; remember they’re not immortal like you.

From Deidara

That wasn’t my fault, it was Tobi!!

My clay is an important part of my job so you should pay for it.

Can’t you gag him? I’m legit having nightmares over the sounds he makes 😣

It was only once and I didn’t break anything!

Can I get the money to you next week?

Hidan broke that guys arms and made him scream! THAT’S what got us caught, NOT my bombs 😡

He’s lying I wasn’t even in the room!

Please can you tighten the stitching? Sasori won’t do it because he’s mad I was “reckless”.

Can you just come help me pick one out? I have no idea what kind of medical books he likes.

I swear I’ll fix it before she notices, pls don’t tell her she hits so hard 😢

From Kisame

You wanna do the weights or the jog first?

Please make him think it was your idea. If he knows I sent him to you he’ll get upset.

You can eat it. I don’t want to insult his cooking but I truly dislike liver.

No, Samehada is trained better than that. 

We ate there last week. Itachi loved it but I’m not sure it’s Hidan’s type of place 🤔

From Hidan

Don’t overeat last time you got that cramp remember?

You sure didn’t seem to mind it last night …

There’s literally no point it just gets all bloody again at some point anyway right?

Wtf? No. That was completely blondie and the orange dumbass.

I’m not complaining but damn you’re a freaky old bastard aren’t you 😏🤤

Damn you just go rest. That fucking bounty can WAIT you asshole you’re gonna kill yourself 😡

Ffs Uchiha doesn’t need to come we don’t need a babysitter we’re both grown!!

Yeah but you never say No so what’s that say about YOU? 

Stop fucking with me don’t think I won’t turn this entire house inside out until I get that necklace back 😒

If I say Yes am I in more trouble or less? 🤔

If I tell her the truth she’s just gonna tear my head off and really that’s just more work for YOU.

Gay. But same 🖤

[ladykissingfish]

Kakuzu: *standing in a room stacked full of piles of cash*

Kakuzu: I can’t believe this … 

Kakuzu: This is … this is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen!

Kakuzu: *lays down in the money and starts making a “snow-angel”*

Kakuzu: Sasori and Deidara know absolutely nothing; THIS is true art!

Kakuzu: *looks at the end of the room; a door is slowly opening with what appears to be hundreds of sparkling gems inside*

Kakuzu: So … gorgeous … let me just go over and —

Kakuzu: *feels a sudden sharp smack hit him in the chest*

Hidan: Oi, old bastard, wake up!!

Kakuzu, groggy: W-what??

Hidan: It’s midnight, fucker! *leans over and puts a party hat on Kakuzu* Happy birthday! 

Kakuzu: Hidan … you woke me up, for this?!

Hidan: Eh, I figured you wouldn’t mind; you were muttering pretty hard so I figured you were having a bad dream anyways. You’re welcome!

Kakuzu:

Kakuzu: That may have been the best dream I’ve ever had, and now it’s gone …

Hidan: Relax, ‘Kuzu … *pulls down the covers and starts moving down Kakuzu’s waist* Let Hidan make your dreams come true, birthday boy ~

Kakuzu, near tears: Unless you’ve got several million dollars taped to the inside of your mouth, you’re wasting your time, brat.

Hidan: I don’t … but I have two teeth with pure gold fillings.

Kakuzu:

Kakuzu: … continue.

[denerturee]

Happy birthday Itachi!!! New official Naruto art

[succikko-draws]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAGATO (aggressively this time)

Konan's worried for his safety

Aftermath:

[allfixx]

[kaedeisreal]

Happy Birthday Kakuzu

Close up for Hidan's latest picture

Special thanks to: @mynaymcat

[akatsukitrash]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Naruto Rating: Explicit Warnings: Major Character Death Relationships: Kakuzu/Uchiha Madara, past Uchiha Madara/Uzumaki Mito, One-Sided Uchiha Madara/Senju Hashirama Characters: Kakuzu (Naruto), Uchiha Madara, Uzumaki Mito, Senju Hashirama Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Pre-Canon, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Angst and Tragedy, Anal Sex, Oral Sex, Consensual Sex, Uchiha Madara Has Issues, POV Kakuzu, Angst and Romance, Tragic Romance, Canonical Character Death, anti konoha, Worldbuilding, Kakuzu Needs A Hug, Everyone Needs A Hug, Canon-Typical Violence, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, but its one line, Bisexual Male Character, Angst and Humor, Hurt No Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Unreliable Narrator Series: Part 5 of Drag My Dark Into the Dawn Summary:

Kakuzu knows he was supposed to die against Hashirama. But he is stubborn, and he loves life, and so he lives, clings to it, an abomination to the very society he used to be a part of. A nukenin, he's heard people say. That is the new word for shinobi who've deserted their villages. There are only two in the world now.

 He is one. Madara is the other.

 « I have to stop him, » Madara speaks up. breaking the silence. He opens his eyes, black as onyx. « I have to destroy Konoha. »

[yaminogame]

KakuMada I drew for @akatsukitrash for their birthday! It's their birthday today, everybody wish them a happy birthday right now, immediately 😐🫵🏽

[fireflylitsky]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KING

Have a drink bb you deserve it

[yowyowyaoi]

*Hidan kicks in the door to Obito and Deidara’s room early in the morning*

Hidan, jumping on the bed and landing on Obito’s legs: Happy birthday, fucker!!

Obito: What the — ? Get off of me!

Hidan: C’mon, don’t be like that, asshole! Look … *sets something on top of the covers* I even brought ya breakfast in bed!

Obito: *sits up and squints* … An apple?

Hidan: Ain’t you the one always goin’ on about how much ya like fruits?

Obito: Yes, but … but there’s a bite out of it …

Hidan: It’s a long-ass walk from my room to yours, asshole. I got hungry. 

Hidan: *leans over and shakes the still-sleeping Deidara’s shoulder* Oi, blondie, wake up!

Deidara, groggily: Get out of here, Hidan. I’m trying to sleep!

Hidan: What kinda asshole sleeps on his boyfriend’s birthday?

Deidara, yawning: For your information I’ve got a whole day planned for us, hm. But right now it’s … *squints at the clock* 5am, and it’s too early. *pulls the pillow over his head* Go away. 

Hidan: But what about the birthday cake you said we was gonna help red-eyes make?

Deidara, voice muffled: You really think Kisame won’t bite your head off if you go in there and try to wake Itachi now?? Fuck off and go sleep, man! Cake can wait!

Hidan: But … chocolate cake … with huge slabs of frosting and —

*Kakuzu comes into the room*

Kakuzu: Here you are. I knew you’d be in here making a pest of yourself. Come; it’s an ungodly hour and everyone, including you, still needs their rest.

Hidan: Fuck you, old man! You can’t tell me what to do! You can’t —

Kakuzu: *shoots out his tentacles and grabs Hidan, wrapping him close to his chest*

Kakuzu, to Obito and Deidara: I apologize for the inconvenience. Obito, happy birthday. *leaves and shuts the door behind him*

Deidara: So, do you remember when you asked me how Hidan was doing on that sugar-restricted diet that Kakuzu put him on?

Obito: Yes?

Deidara: And remember I told you he was handling it well?

Obito: Yes?

Deidara: I think I may have been wrong.

Obito: *scoots closer to Deidara and snuggles him* Mm.

[ladykissingfish]

*in the Akatsuki kitchen*

Sasori, standing next to Deidara at the counter: Okay, now, measure a cup and a half of the flour and pour it into the bowl.

Deidara: Danna … tell me again why we’re doing this? I mean, it’s MY birthday, right? Couldn’t you and Konan have made me this and surprised me, instead of you having me help make my own cake?

Sasori: I could have, yes, but then it wouldn’t mean as much.

Deidara: Eh?

Sasori: *takes the bowl from Deidara and starts stirring the ingredients together* When I was a boy, every year on my birthday, I’d help my mother make my cake. Neither of us were very good bakers, and what we created usually turned out more messy than good, but … it was the time together that mattered, you know? The laughing and the flour in our hair and licking the icing from the bowl. 

Sasori, setting the bowl down and readying the cake pan: When mother and father died, so did any celebration of my birthday. And mind you, even as a full organic human, I was never much a fan of sweets. But I still missed the ritual, and the time we had. So I always vowed that if and when I ever had a family of my own, I’d carry on the tradition.

Deidara, quietly putting the cake pan in the oven: So … you’re saying you consider me … family?

Sasori: *lifts Deidara to the counter, sitting him in front of where Sasori is standing* I think you’re my soulmate, Dei. The one created in the stars for me. A gift, maybe, sent from my parents in heaven. But words are just words, aren’t they, until solid action is taken. So …

Sasori: *pulls a small velvet box from his pocket and opens it, revealing a sleek gold ring studded with diamonds and a single large emerald*

Sasori: I love you more than I could possibly tell you. Will you give me the honor of becoming my husband?

Deidara:

Deidara: *starts to cry* S-seriously? You mean it?

Sasori: I mean it. I want you now, I want you tomorrow, I want you forever. Please?

Deidara: *puts his arms around Sasori’s shoulders and hugs him tightly* Y-yes! Of course I’ll marry you, hm!

*the two share a kiss, and Sasori slides Deidara’s new ring onto his finger*

Sasori: You know … *gestures to the oven* We could easily make this cake a wedding cake if you wanted to get Nagato to marry us tonight …

Deidara: *laughs* Nice try, Sasori, but our wedding is going to be a week-long celebration and extravagant affair, hm! 

Sasori: … It is?

Deidara: Of course! Fireworks, me exploding a different village every night leading up to the big day, a huge feast, oh and I need Konan’s help because I want us both to wear matching robes with real crystals sewn into the cloth. 

Deidara: *jumps down from the counter* This is going to be so much fun! I’m gonna go talk to Konan now; watch that cake, will you? *runs out*

Sasori:

Sasori: *slowly pulls his wallet from his pocket and opens it to reveal just a few small bills*

Kakuzu, from the other room: And after you spent so much on his ring? Tsk. My deepest condolences and prayers are with you, Puppet.

Sasori:

[navigatorsghost]

...so, uhhhh, apparently eBay heard it was Kakuzu's birthday as well? O_O

[fuckthispost-andhappybirthday]

August 15: Happy Birthday Kakuzu (Naruto)!!!!

[svailana]

Happy Birthday to my main obsession 🫦🫦🫦

🥳🎂🎉

[akabendyfan]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRNDPAW

if anyone gets the references i will give you 100000000 dollars

and i'll draw you a picture xD

[blackwolfmanx2]

Happy Birthday, Kakuzu! 🎂🎉🎁💰