#Hello Everyone my mental health is Much Less Shit than it was!!! I'm doing a lot better

[spiritgriffon]

Looks into the camera like I’m on the office

Ran away from Tumblr bc of the nsfw ban and fandom drama. Went to twitter.

Ran away from Twitter bc of Elongated Muskrat and fandom drama. Went to Reddit.

Liked Rediit. Memes, fanart, and waaaay less fandom drama. welp.

Guess I’m back for now.

[mabeysomeclasspecting]

Hi! I'm preemptively sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language, but yeah classpect time! The only thing I know for sure is that I'm a Prospit dreamer, other things are confusing as hell to me, so thanks a lot for reading all this and trying to make sense of it! <3

What are your interests/hobbies?

I tend to switch hobbies often bc I operate on a "if I'm not perfect at it immediately I should stop trying" conviction but I tried drawing, crocheting, collage making and web design. Even though I myself am shit at most things creative I'm very good at seeing mistakes in other people's work. Regarding interests, I'm into psychology (it's my uni major), philosophy and history. I love long video essays about an obscure topic, I love learning in general but more in a sense of being smarter than others and making knowledge about a topic part of my personality. I like video games but I play like three games on repeat for 20 years I have 5k hours in skyrim since 2011. I'm also into religion/mythology, spirituality and tarot cards but I don't really believe in all that, it's just interesting from a psychological and historical viewpoint.

How do you see yourself?

I'm unsure who "myself" even is, I made a list of my personality traits once (one of them was "lesbian" so that's a personality trait ig) and that didn't help much. I'm a social chameleon, able to be whatever people want me to be, but I do hold strong beliefs and morals and judge others harshly, just sometimes without showing it. My beliefs are mostly black and white in nature, I'm annoyed at people who are trying to stay in the middle and don't have strong opinions bc goddamn I'm ready to die on any hill. I'm intelligent, aggressive and emotional, but cooperative and friendly if I like people, I like to be important but only in a positive sense. I'm also pretty hypocritical bc of the social chameleon thing.

How do you think others see you?

Almost all of my friends were scared to interact with me at first, so it's either a scary bitch who criticized people for breathing or a contemptuous bitch who thinks she's better than everyone. It used to upset me, I don't think I'm scary or arrogant, but at this point I made peace with it and leant into a proud hater persona more. My gf says that I'm really lovely and kind and helpful (but still a little arrogant) and her opinion is the only thing that matters. And a lot of people think I'm smarter than I am.

How do you interact with your friends?

Jokey bullying but sometimes jokes get away from me and I'm unintentionally crossing a line, that was a point of a lot of arguments, I can be real hurtful at times. When people hurt me unintentionally I throw a fit, which illustrates the hypocrisy I brought up earlier. To make up for being terrible I do acts of service, if my friends need literally anything I'll get it for them. I try to help mentally as well but I offer solutions instead of empathy and that's not what people want usually.

What’s important to you?

I have beef with the concept of fate, I hate predisposition and the idea that our narratives are already written, fatalism is my number one enemy, the whole shebang with Mind and consequences of our choices is my number two enemy, I can do whatever I want. I have a lot of feminism based morals and a lot of opinions about politics. My solutions are extreme but I'm sure they'll work. Murder is okay in self-defense type beat. I cherish my friends a lot and feel horrible if I hurt them. I have a lot of trinkets that bring me memories, they are mostly useless but they are important to me and my memory issues.

Describe the ideal you, what kind of person do you strive to be?

I wish to know myself fully and simultaneously know everything else ever. I think people scared of too much knowledge are cowards. And the ideal me would be a lot less aggressive and anxious all the time, I think mental health issues are really holding me back.

Hello!

Aspects: Light, Mind

Classes: Thief, Prince

I think you're either a Thief of Light or a Prince of Mind!

I hope this helps :)

[chibivesicle]

Hi, I just read about postponing your meta-writing activities. I hope you've recovered from your covid-infection, and that work has been less stressful to you. I wish you the best and I'm looking forward to read your thoughts on GK again some day :)

Hello,

Thanks for the kind message! I finally finished reading the manga (I ended up letting a bunch of the chapters pile up so I could just read them all). I'm looking to post a reaction to the end of the manga, sometime this month between all the regular life things.

After starting to search for a new job in 2019 (god that hurts my brain to type it out), I finally found a new job and got an awesome offer and all that stuff. But now, it means packing up my home and cat and moving ~1,000 miles in a north and east direction in about a month or so.

The pandemic pretty much killed the job market in 2020 and I had to continue with my current job, which was very stressful from spring 2020-spring 2021. And then fall 2021 reaallllyyyy damn well destroyed me for a whole host of reasons - I had to put in for promotion for my job that I technically didn't want to be promoted for - everyone was excited to be in person for about a week and then collapsed - I got freakkin' strep and it sucked horribly - I got to spend American Thanksgiving recovering from strep on crazy antibiotics which made traveling lovely (I'm still bummed out I didn't have to poop in DFW airport b/c Texas). I had a brief and lovely visit at Christmas to see friends I hadn't seen in years - but then got Covid on the way back and that sucked so bad. The last time I'd been that sick was in fall 2010. Which was likely H1N1 in retrospect.

I swear, I can write a guide about how to look for a new job remotely and the soul sucking levels of shit you have to wade through. Wow, I sound so lovely, but it is true - I worked my full time job and remotely networked in two different locations and applied to jobs. It was - a lot. Writing my GK meta had been a way to deal with my frustration around my current role and at first helped with my eventual decision to leave my current position. The longer the search went on, in the pandemic (which is still totally a pandemic) the less I could motivate myself to write the meta. Like many people, in mid-2021 I looked for a therapist, got wait listed and finally found someone, who has been great. This should be no shock to my readers as I wrote a very personal meta a long time ago with my relationship with my own mental health and what I know is a life long struggle with depression. One of the suggestions of this excellent therapist was to cut back on the busy work that was overtaxing my burnt out brain with my day job. This included:

1.) pausing my watching of the drama Nirvana in Fire, because that is a great drama for detail nerds like myself. You have no idea how much I loved trying to predict things with limited information and I was doing a damn good job of it. I haven't forgotten you NiF, I'll watch you when I'm in my new location.

2.) forcing myself to write GK meta when it was a slog. Now, that I've finished the manga, I will continue to note that the overall, depth and quality dropped after the Karafuto arc. Does this make me think the entire manga was terrible? No, it is still a very very solid manga and I still love certain aspects of it. But it did not deliver a satisfying ending for me. However, other than being the same age as the GK readers in Japan, I do not have anything else in common with them.

3.) encouraging me to do other sorts of activities that were more relaxing or to watch/read things that were still good but not going to turn my brain into full on 'must examine every little detail mode' which is actually bloody hell for me to not just do automatically.

I am so thankful that I was lucky enough to find a professional at the time I needed it. Yet at the same time, I'm really disappointed at how mental health care is soooo hard to get for many people. We are going to be unpacking the layers of collective PTSD we all have from the impact of the pandemic - for years - maybe even the rest of our lives.

An unusual result of the manga and reading about Ogata did result in me adopting my cat when I did. I can thank Noda for that idea, I love my cat and he was adopted long before the pandemic lock downs, but it was nice to have him around. Unlike most cats, he loved lock down and got to see me all day every day. He was more upset I returned to work in the summer of 2020 than one would have expected but all in all he's a lovely cat.

Anyhoo, I'll likely write out a few metas here and there before putting a bow on it and calling it good. The manga may have ended on a let down, but I found a great community in the fandom and can't thank Noda enough for that. United by a love and interest in Ogata.

[artificialqueens]

Gimme Love, 8/9 (Miz Cracker/Blair St Clair) - Grinder

AN: Oof! After this part, we have one more chapter. Things start to look a little bit better for Brie in this part of the story. Not completely, but she's getting there. Enjoy!

TW for this chapter: mental health mentions

2020

A week later, still no change on the Ed Sheeran thing. Launch day was just around the corner, and my nerves were wrecked. And Jujubee still hadn't spoken a word to me.

It was only morning time, and I hadn't even been awake for 5 minutes. Already so many things were playing in my mind.

I still hadn't reinstalled Messenger. So I had no idea whether Blair had replied or not. I really wanted to just forget about her already, but it was slow. I probably should have applied for counselling sessions with HR. I hired a lady a few years prior named Dela, and apparently, she was brilliant.

But therapy could wait until after the launch.

I had seen Jujubee at work a few more times, either making eye contact and looking away just as quick or trying to say hello at least. She'd just brush by.

I tried texting her but never received a reply. As much as she had pissed me off, I missed her. A lot.

"Hey, this is Jujubee. Leave a message."

Beep.

"Hey, Juju, it's me." I paused, struggling to figure out where to go from there, "Look, I...I know things are bad between you and me. But I...I don't want to lose you."

I couldn't think of what else to say.

'Please, talk to me?'

'You mean a lot to me.'

My silence was going on too long. "I...hope to see you at the prelaunch party...OK. Bye"

I hung up, burying my face in my pillow, feeling very pathetic. And because I was impatient, I thought to try reinstalling Messenger and try there.

Or was that too much? And did I really want to risk seeing a reply from a certain someone?

...Fuck it, I was doing it. I'd just ignore her. Yeah, I'd do that.

Blair: Wow. I didn't think…

I never clicked a message quicker. I sat up with my back against the headboard, eyes already reading the message.

Blair: Wow. I didn't think you'd actually reply! For sure, girl, we need to hang out! I'm in New York for two weeks anyway. Perfect timing, right? Give me a call as soon as you get this. TTYL.

"Oh my God." I let the phone slip into my lap. How was this real? How the fuck hadn't she found that message creepy? Were things starting to look up? I couldn't just leave her on read. It was sent last week, meaning she was still in New York.

Good. This was good.

But still, why didn't she address the confession to my feelings? Why was she avoiding the subject?

Sorry, you have to hear my innermost thoughts, all these questions. It just goes to show the whirlwind my head was experiencing.

Make a move, Brie.

My thumb hovered over the phone icon in the upper right corner. Do I just...do it?

Yes.

I clicked the button. It rang for a few seconds, the nerves telling me to just give up.

"Hello?"

Why the fuck do the people on the other end always say 'hello' like they didn't see who is calling them?

Why was I even thinking that?? Focus, Brie.

"Hi," I said.

"Wow, I didn't think you'd call." She sounded surprised.

"I'm sorry I keep doing this," I said too quickly. "Anyway, yes. Let's hang out."

There was a moment of silence, and I realised how panicked I sounded.

"Brianna, are you OK?" I heard the concern.

"What? Yeah! Of course, I am." I cleared my throat, "Just a bit...stressed out. Trying to...deal with this launch thingie and...deal with Ed Sheeran, I don't know," I laughed nervously before almost slapping some sense into myself, "I'm not majorly stressed out, though. I can still hang out."

She laughed. And fuck I realised just how much I missed it.

"You always made me laugh. You wanna grab a coffee?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Great! When are you free? I would say today, but I'm stuck with this thingie…" She replied.

And a thought hit me. "Actually... there's gonna be a party for my thing. It's for that project I told you about...back on Prom night, I don't know if you remember."

"Of course I do, Brie. I've been following all the media coverage. It's pretty awesome."

"You have been?" I sounded a little too excited and then reminded myself to not sound too desperate, "I mean, that's pretty cool. But yeah, there's a party the night before the launch. I could add you to the list."

"Yeah, of course! I'd love to come."

"Fantastic. I'll send you the details."

"Well, I'll leave you to it then."

"Thanks."

"I can't wait."

"Me too."

"Bye, Brianna."

"Bye, Blair."

She did the awkward half-spoken "bye, bye, bye," and hung up.

I threw my phone down onto my duvet and puffed out a breath of air.

"Yes!" I punched the air, "Yes. Fucking yes."

Shit was definitely looking up.

I found myself loading up my emails. "Dear Ed Sheeran, I appreciate your enthusiasm about participating in our project. However, after some thinking, we would love for you to perform at the event instead. This is strictly for your safety and the safety of everyone else. Sorry for the inconvenience. Kindest regards, Brianna Caldwell and team."

Sent. Easier than I thought.

No matter what the reply would be, I felt strong. Two problems down in less than ten minutes.

All that was left was Jujubee and Mom.

Fuck...the Mom problem.

It wasn't that I didn't love her. I adored the woman with all my heart. But I was still afraid of that recurring conversation, the memories of how I was a problem child. And if it wasn't that, it was my Grandpa.

Funny how those were always the recurring topics, things I didn't want to address. And now, on top of things, we were going to have to talk about Piggie's health.

I sent her money for his medical bills, so maybe things were different for him.

But still, the other topics of conversation I just wish we could avoid…If only there was something else to talk about...

Wait.

I stared at my phone and instantly became very still.

There was one subject that had gone unaddressed for so long - too long. Oh, God.

Half an hour later, I was in the kitchen, shaky hands pouring a cup of coffee. I couldn't call Mom immediately. I needed to will myself, build up my willpower.

After two cups, I found Mom's name in my phone book, hesitated to hit call but forced myself.

I breathed deeply, taking a seat at the breakfast counter and put the phone to my ear.

Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring…

She answered but was silent.

"Mom?" I spoke.

"Hey, honey." She sounded deflated.

"Did you get the money?" That was all I could think of to start with.

"Yeah. It's actually really helped. He's already showing improvement." She paused. "Thanks, baby."

It was painful how thankful she sounded, yet so miserable.

"Mom, I'm gonna come see you," I confirmed.

"Really?"

"Yeah." I smiled upon hearing how she lightened up. "I'm sorry about last week. My phone just...cut off, I guess."

I heard a sniff before she spoke again, "It's OK. When are you coming around?"

"Well, I got the launch this week, so maybe not now. How about 2 weeks?"

"Yeah, that's perfect. I have a job interview to prepare for anyway. I applied to this new boutique that opened in town. My interview is next week."

"That's great!" I was actually excited for her. Things weren't just looking up for me, it seemed. "I'm really happy for you."

"Yeah, me too. I'm not even nervous. Just ready to start working again. Anyway, how about you?"

"Actually, Mom…" I paused, squeezing my hand into a tight fist.

"What's wrong, Brianna?" She lowered her tone.

How did she know? I didn't even sound sad. Mothers intuition? Because I always thought that was bullshit. Like, if I was a Mom, I'd be the worst in picking up on things.

"You there?" Mom asked.

"Yeah, I just…" I licked my lips and swallowed. "Mom. Why was I adopted?" I sighed. "Why did they give me up, Mom?"

She was silent for a moment. I could practically feel how she turned cold. "It's time, isn't it?"

I nodded, not that she would see, "Yeah. I...I need to know."

"OK...How about we talk about that when you come here?" She asked.

"No. I...wanna know. I need to know." My voice cracked. "Or I won't be able to move on."

She's silent again…just for a moment. And I felt like I crossed a line.

But she spoke. I hadn't crossed any line.

"OK...Brianna? I just want you to know that I love you, and I always will. No matter what, I'll never stop loving you." Her own voice was cracking now. "When you came into my life, I never realised I could be so happy, how I felt when I met you. You were this...little light that brightened the dark...a reminder that life wasn't so bad. And I promised I'd give you the best life. I'd be the best parent you'd ever have." She paused again. And I knew she was crying. "Brie, it wasn't that your parents didn't want you. I'm sure they knew that they would have been the luckiest parents in the world." She was crying. "Brie. They...they went for a drive one night. And it was raining really bad. And they…"

She was silent. But I nodded slowly, my eyes just staring at the counter, glassy with tears. "I-I understand."

"I'm sorry, baby." She whimpered. "I should have told you this years ago. I...I didn't know it would affect you for this long. I'm such an idiot."

I held my forehead in my hand. "No. No, Mom. You're not. You had no idea." I sniffed.

"I know. I know. But I just...I...How do you tell a child something like that?"

"Don't worry about that, you idiot. I know now." One of the tears finally slid down my cheek. "I love you, Mom."

"I love you too, Brianna."

I smiled, wiping the tear away. And then a quiet laugh escaped. "OK, I can't lie. I don't wanna leave you like this right now. Let's talk some shit or something."

She laughed in return. "God, you and your potty mouth."

[notesofarichlycolorednight]

Hi! How do you think Luke's personality would be if he survived, and how would it change during the years? I'm not talking about the campers' reactions,but how Luke would think and act.

hello hello!

oh man, that’s an interesting question and i LOVE IT

so by the wording of your question, it sounds like if the titan war still happened, but luke somehow survived after getting rid of kronos, how he might change in the yrs following

and so, hcs!! in bullet-form!! as always under a cut

so he luke miraculously survives hitting his achilles’ heel

and let’s pretend the gods are a sliver decent and actually fulfill percy’s wish/reward, which now includes luke since he’s alive, and did help save the gods in the end

so he’s not exactly punished, but he is being monitored heavily, almost like he’s on parole or smth

i know it’s hard to believe they’d completely let him off, even in this au, so i’ll throw in a magical ankle bracelet that monitors him–he can’t take it off (without the gods being alerted), or go outside of nyc’s five boroughs, which includes into any magical realms (like the underworld, since there’s an entrance in central park)

if he heads into areas that have high demigod activity/magical auras, with chb as the exception, it alerts whoever now has the task of monitoring him to keep a closer eye on him for that time he’s there

suspicious activity is flagged, and they can recall him to mt olympus and detain him at any time if they think that he’s becoming a danger to the gods again

speaking of chb, i don’t think he’d be able to stay there after the titan war, too many painful memories–too many ppl who hate him, or don’t trust him, etc.

it’s hard to say what his and annabeth’s relationship would be. as i’ve said in a previous ask, i think luke was asking if annabeth still considered him family, and she does. but i think luke would be too guilt-ridden to interact with her at first

not to mention that percy is v protective, and while they may have had a tender moment abt not letting all that happen again, i think percy would have a hard time trusting him

thalia’s now with the hunters, and has clearly shown what she thinks of luke’s betrayal, so that’s no good either

i think grover would be more open to luke, but luke would probably avoid him like he avoid annabeth bc of the guilt. and grover’s a busy satyr now, so that doesn’t help

so basically anyone he considered close to him in childhood is on shaky ground and he’s not sure what to do abt that, bc demigods are only taught abt fighting and battle, instead of that and emotional and psychological health wheeeeeee

since he can’t leave nyc, he finds like a hostel or smth to stay in while he figures shit out and tries to get back on his feet

he’s suffering p heavily from ptsd and still has terrible nightmares abt kronos and being possessed by kronos, which doesn’t help

he can’t hold a steady job bc he only knows how to fight and has no social skills whatsoever, so he becomes some low-level conman to make some income

he still hates his father, so it’s hard to acknowledge that his father’s skills are helping hi survive right now, as much as he’d like to believe that he’s surviving all on his own

at some point, he tries to con one of the demigods who’ve made it without chb (a demigod whose parent is a minor god). thankfully, they’re nice abt it and introduce him to a demigod underworld, so to speak

i wouldn’t say it’s as sinister as our criminal underworld–it’s really more of a society of demigods who were forgotten (unclaimed kids) or never made it to camp (children of minor gods), but found a way to survive with little to no training from camp, despite the monsters and technology

luke is suddently introduced to a whole new world, and that’s when his life really starts moving forward again

these demigods are angry and bitter, yeah, but they take that and turn it into motivation to live and thrive–basically living bc of spite. fuck the gods, fuck my parents, i’ll show them i don’t need them or chb

(like rick has this weird thing abt writing kids who say that, but then talk abt how much they want their godly parent’s approval. or to prove that they’re worth of their godly parent’s attention. and like i get why, but that’s not true for everyone??? having been adopted, i come from a perspective of, yeah, i am a little curious abt who my biological parents are, but i’m not dying to reunite with them or anything bc i don’t need to??? i have everything i need right here–a loving mom, and awesome friends, who i would consider family. even if i did want to know who they were, their approval of who i am now doesn’t matter to me. i don’t need to prove anything to them, nor should i need to for their attention. like that’s shitty to expect that from your child, and a horribly mindset to instill in a child)

and so i imagine it’s the same for a lot of demigods, too /tangent

anyway, so i’d like to think that this society is pretty structured–it’s a mish-mash of kids of major gods who were never claimed and of minor gods. some do resort to criminal activity, others work minimum wage jobs, and still others who are making higher than minimum wage, with some even making six figures ya know. basically they still function within the larger mortal society, but they’re also part of this hidden demigod society, you feel?

but they always take in demigods who could use some help out in the real world, regardless of who their parents are and whether or not they’ve been claimed/lived at chb

hephaestus kids have built a closed-circuit network that makes tech safer for them to use, and it also helps them communicate with each other as well as any mortal they make friends with, etc.

and their secret society is hidden within a company (kinda like how the three roman emperors hid themselves within a company, except without the evil part), and it’s v socialist–so they do what they can to help those who don’t have anything, until they can get back on their feet, and then put back into the society and help others

so luke is introduced to this hidden world within the mortal one of new york

i’d like to think he’s p instantly recognizable (to most, not all), but they don’t hold any grudges or bitterness like those at chb to bc they understand that he was fighting for them, even if he was going abt it the wrong way

some put him on a pedestal (he’s the face of our hidden society or he could take up the company or smth), but another kid of hermes comes along and shows him the ropes, not expecting anything from him

they get him therapy to work on his anger issues as well as his ptsd, and he slowly learns social skills

there are two large apt buildings that the company owns that only house demigods (but not all the demigods who are part of this society), and they find him a small one bed/one bath apartment to live in

as he gets better, he stops resorting to criminal activity and finds a steady job working at a tech company, bc he doesn’t have to interact with ppl like in retail, and when he does, its coworkers who think the same as he does

i also like to think he starts mend those relationships he lost with annabeth and grover. thalia’s a little harder to reach, but once he starts communicating with annabeth more, annabeth tells thalia abt his progress, and thalia sneaks away to visit him on occasion

it’s rough at first, as it always is, bc he did a lot of bad things and hurt a lot of ppl

but he apologizes to all of them–annabeth, grover, thalia, and even percy

they start to hang out occasionally, and luke almost become a mentor to percy again

(we’re kinda ignoring hoo rn for luke’s mental health, but percy most definitely talks to luke abt how he can see where luke was coming from during the second titan war after that whole prophecy nightmare)

eventually, they become friends, even family

he’s happy to hear that the camp is expanding, allowing minor demigods; the hermes cabin is far less crowded

but luke still holds a lot of anger and bitterness. even living within this secret society, it’s yet another symptom of the gods’ lack of caring (like the crowded hermes cabin)

even with percy’s request and the expanding camp, luke still hears of demigods joining their society, which is a little disheartening if only bc it still represents the gods’ lack of caring

with the help of therapy, tho, he’s learning to channel is anger into smth productive

instead of trying to raise evil entities, he throws himself into the business that their society is hidden in. he wants to know all the inner workings of both the demigod and mortal side bc he wants to help as many demigods he can

bc in the end, he’s still a scared, lost little nine year old boy who just wants someone to be there for other demigods since no one was there for him

oh and speaking of, he finds the courage to visit him mom again! annabeth goes with him, since he’s still working through all that shit with his therapist (and lbr, that’s smth that someone might never work through, just learn to cope with)

i wouldn’t say he visits her often, but he spends some of his income and hires a caregiver to help around the house, but also to take care of may. since the prophecy has been fulfilled, her visions aren’t as bad, and she doesn’t have so many spells, but her mind is still quite lost bc the curse is still there

eventually, luke works his way up the ranks of the company bc he sees the good that this society is doing, and wants to be a part of that. he can finally help these demigods that doesn’t involve destroying the world

he starts to visit camp a little, but usually only talks with chiron abt the changes that they could make to the camp to better help the kids there. the whole place, tho, still holds a lot of painful memories that luke would just rather forget. so he doesn’t go often

it’s a long, long process and luke stays in therapy indefinitely, but the work he’s doing with the company, and the demigods he interacts with on a daily basis help him a lot

he slowly heals, and mends fences, as well as makes new friends and bonds

he never truly lets go of his anger and bitterness, and for the most part he just kinda ignores the gods. remembering what he did during the titan war still haunts him, but he uses those memories as a reminder and promises to never do anything like that again

and this time he keeps his promise!

*sniffles* look at my bby boy growing up and healing. 

despite liking white collar!luke (which i could see this so easily sprouting from your initial question), i wanted to take this in a different route and really delve into his healing process bc it’s like a salve to my soul. it’s so easy to ignore emotional and psychological health, but for anyone it’s so, so important to address those issues and work through them ya know?

like i advocate for mental health and stability! as well as emotional healing, esp for men bc it breaks down that toxic masculinity. and toxic masculinity often does lead to expressions of anger and violence in men in our society

i could probably say more, but i’ll leave it there for now. it feels like a good stopping point. hmu if you’d like to hear more specifics abt anything within this au!! i’d be happy to write more abt this au :D

thanks for sending this in, anon!!

[randomthoughtsgonewild]

I'm back...

Hello.

I don’t really know how to start this if I’m honest.

It’s been a long while (yeah no shit dumb dumb *facepalms*) and well, things have happened. Some of big degree and some of little importance.

Current status?

I’m feeling shit.

Yes, you may leave. This will not be clean. But when I made this blog and when I titled the description, I meant what I said.

If you no like; bye bye stranger.

If you do but you ain’t into this type of honesty. See you later, mater.

…

So, where to begin…uh, I don’t have the best memory so I believe I shall start around Christmas time 2016.

Life was going semi-okay; school and personal problems were hassling but durable. But during that time I lost two of my mates; one of which I’m closer than the other. It was a whole group thing – we all decided to cast them away because of something they did (I would say what but due to its authenticity and specificity; I can’t take the risk of someone I know recognising it because frankly I’d rather have no-one I know in real life, knowing I am the owner of this blog— not because I’m ashamed; more so of the fact I am a very private person. Which is quite ironic considering I am quite open about everything and everyone— other than myself. But I digress.)

— and so my group casted them away and they were gone throughout the last term before Christmas break; it was hard because I lost my closest mate and my really good friend. But that was resolved quickly after the term and we’re all okay.

See? That wasn’t too bad aha.

Well, we haven’t got to 2017 yet and that’s when things start to go downhill…

So it’s the beginning of the new year and I guess you could say I was hoping for a much better year than 2K16. But when has Lady Luck EVER been on my side? Never. So, like the cow Lady Luck is; it brought me a ton of obstacles and hoops to jump through. To which I failed tremendously.

(I also forgot to add; Been alive for half a century, divided by 2 and subtracted by 10. Yay.)

In January; school had picked up and like the Army Officer it is, really started to tire me out. I was struggling with the work and the homework. It was a mess. It sounds fairly simple and in fact; I imagine many of you to be quite unimpressed by me because “kid, you don’t even know what tiredness is *rolls eyes*” — and you’re probably right, I do not. But you probably don’t know what it feels like to have to be up to the brim in GCSE coursework as well as revision because students love tests! (Wait–wait, maybe you do actually, okay well I had some mental stuff going on too so that counts?)

But again, I am straying off de topic. So anyways, Jan. Tiring. Made me very stressed. Stress is not good. Lotta spots for me, brother. I hate acne. Especially stressed-related ones. But. I. Digress. Again.

Which brings me to February; aww Feb. Poor, sweet, juvenile Feb. Always been a month that tends to fly by so quickly and probs the most boring – seriously though, what actually happens in Feb that is interesting? Nothing. That’s it. But, for me Feb; well Feb was an eye opener for sure. I’m not the type of person to beat around the bush for one thing so I’ll be out with it – quick'n'easy like a bandage.

I discovered two things; My mental state was way beyond fucked. Two? I’m not as strong as I thought I was.

And for me to have discovered this, well it was certainly big. You see my family is not the type of family to ask if ones okay and find the solution; we are more of the ‘ask if you’re okay but if you say anything out of the norm then forget it’ — we always have been. Well, at least I think we have. I’m not really close with my family, but I blame that on the stuff going up in my cranium.

So anyways, my head = not in a good state then (or now). Explanation? I don’t know.

In fact, I think it hasn’t been in a 'good state’ for a while. Possibly ever since the summer of '16 (and maybe before…?) which would mean whatever I’ve been manifesting is suddenly making itself known and to be honest the manifestation is quite large. I don’t know what I have to be frank; I don’t know if it’s depression or if it’s something else, in all honesty I feel kind of stupid for just assuming it’s 'depression’. I feel like that nowadays that word is tossed around so much it just feels stupid to say “I’m depressed” with anyone actually taking you seriously. Plus, I never thought I could be depressed or even in such a state of mind.

Which lead me to my epiphanic of uncovering the truth of my mental strength.

It isn’t that strong.

You see, I always thought for a long time in my life that I’m the type of person who doesn’t breakdown, who knows how to build themselves back up again if the going gets tough; the type of human who will never let themselves fall so far down the well of “depression” because I’m just not like that. Full stop.

But I realised in the second month of the year, that I’m none of that; I’m just extremely good at ACTING like I am. Like I am strong, like I can’t breakdown, like I can’t be “depressed”. I realised that I’m so used to being in this mind state that my head has adapted to feeling like this and since I have a slight fear of being mentally unwell; it simply taught me how to ACT like everything’s okay. When in fact…

Everything really isn’t fucking okay.

Now I could type here for ages and ages about my stresses, my worries, my problems etc etc but that would make this so long that it would be the equivalent of 3 Harry Potter books…aaaand since I’m not JKR and I don’t have that type of time; I’ll just summarise, summarise, summarise!

Here we go; so after my big discovery in Feb, it lead to all sorts of things — I started to become more aggressive and more sad; which led to more acting because even if I knew I had a mental health problem it still didn’t mean I wanted to get help or – god forbid ACTUALLY talk about it! So I started to distract myself; distractions, distractions, distractions = my best friend. The more I distracted myself, the more I (believed) had less time to dwell on my (rapidly becoming real) mental health illness. So I took up having some cigarettes from time to time because it made me feel calm and yes I know of the dangers but pocketing a couple of my dads cigarettes wasn’t going to kill me okay? Plus, I always told myself (still do now) to never buy my own pack because that for me would lead to an addiction. Amongst that; I did other things like lash out, do drugs (I DID THIS ONCE BTW) and just things that really weren’t good for me.

So with me doing all this and believing it would prolong my mental health illness awakening; I didn’t realise that instead of PROLONGING my MHI, I just kept feeding it. With all the things I did, they lead to consequences; every time I would smoke, I would feel bad– horrid even, the fear of becoming addicted lead to me feeling shameful (more for the MHI monster to eat), every time I would steal my dad’s wine bottle and drink it for myself, I would feel disappointed that I would stoop so low and thus gave the monster an even bigger meal and every time I tested my parents patience or acted kinda rude to my mates; it fed my monster STRESS because I would stress about what their reactions would be and ugh it was not good.

But here I am typing as if I overcame it all and everything is well again; for your information mi amiga; it ain’t. In fact I still am going through all this and frankly I’m tired. Exhausted. Fatigued. But knowing me and my coping methods; my brilliant acting skills will be back at it again for the next couple of months until I guess I break or something.

This whole text post sounds weird tbh; I don’t like how I’ve written it but it’s honest. And I have more to talk about as well but there just isn’t enough time in the day (or so I say) and besides; it gives me a good reason to post sooner.

However, regardless of all the bad; I have dipped a finger back into my pool of story writing and it’s been a good thing for me to say the least. Another distraction tbh but better than wallowing in my head and assuming the worst.

So yeah, that’s it. That’s all I’ve got. I would say more but the effort is too unreal. So this shall be a goodbye and goodnight.

- A