#How To Stop A Cat From Peeing On Your House

[20dollarlolita]

Something that I've used to judge my health, in more ways than one, is what I call the need-to-pee test.

When I'm sitting, wasting time, and I need to pee, healthy me will just get up and go to the bathroom. That's normal behavior.

Sometimes, however, elements of my health will make that very basic task difficult. When you recognize that you need to pee, but you have to have an internal conversation with The Vampire of Despair about if you needing to pee is a failure and a judgement on your worth as a human being, you need to reach out to someone about your mental health. Being too depressed to get up and go pee is a sign that something in your mental health is very wrong. It's a sign that it's "bad enough" to really need some help.

When you recognize that you need to pee, but you don't want to get up because your body will be in pain, that's a sign that your pain is "bad enough" where you should do something about it. If you've been sitting around your house telling yourself that shit's fine, but you also procrastinate on the basic duty of going to take a pee because doing that simple task is going to cause you so much pain that it's not worth the comfort you get from not needing to pee, your body is fucked, and shit's not fine.

Getting up and going to pee is a thing that should not take effort or be unpleasant. Having difficult getting up and going to the bathroom often means that your problem is actually pretty bad. If you've been ignoring the problem, it's a very good sign that you should stop ignoring the problem.

Needing to pee but not being able to get up and go pee because the cat is sitting on you, however, is normal operating procedure. How dare you move the cat for something as selfish as your basic bodily functions. You metabolized and you didn't even get permission? The cat does not approve.

[jungle-angel]

The Little Bookworm (Bob Floyd x Reader)

Summary: You and Bob can't get enough of your kids being obsessed with books

It was the gloomiest of fall days with the skies over Montana having gone darker than expected, almost as if night were setting in at lunchtime.

Auggie had been perched on the little bay window seat in the living room, the rain battering the diamond paned windows while the woodstove in the living room made the house warm and cozy. Bob didn't particularly like having the tv on all day, but The Nightmare Before Christmas seemed like the perfect background noise on a day like this and with Halloween fast approaching, it made it even better.

Bob smiled a little seeing his little mini-me completely engrossed in one of the books you had gotten him. Auggie had always loved pulling books from the shelf, no matter how big or how small they were and loved making up his own stories to tell you, Bob and the rest of the family.

"Auggie, come and eat," Bob called from the kitchen.

Auggie giggled and shut his book, running right for the kitchen and seating himself into his chair. Bob had definitely outdone himself this time, grilled cheese with bacon, a side of kettle cooked potato chips and a kosher dill pickle on the side.

"Whatcha reading buddy?" Bob asked him.

"Um.....I dunno," Auggie chirped with a big grin on his face before taking a bite out of his sandwich.

"You don't know?!" Bob questioned, pretending to be shocked.

"It's about these three guys and a bad guy who doesn't like them so they've gotta stop him," Auggie explained.

The more Auggie chattered, the more Bob couldn't control the broad smile on his face. The Three Musketeers had been one of his favorites growing up, one that his father had grown up reading as well. Now that Auggie was reading it, he was proud beyond words that his love of the book had been passed down to his son.

As soon as lunch was done, Bob took a look at Auggie's bookshelf and made a list of other books that he didn't have, noting that they would most likely be his Christmas gift that year. He made his way upstairs while Auggie scooted back to his little corner, hoping you were still up in your shared bedroom and sure enough, you were.

"Still working away Mrs. Floyd?" he asked, scooting in next to you.

"All I can do Bob," you told him.

You had been needle-felting all day as a movie played out on the tv that was mounted on the wall. Bob felt awful that you were on strict bedrest, but after the last ultrasound appointment, you both knew it was what you and your baby girl needed. Luckily Reagan and her husband, Elijah, lived close by in case anything came up, but it still made Bob nervous whenever you got up in the middle of the night to pee.

Yet he was in awe at the Halloween decorations you had made for Auggie's kindergarten class, little pumpkins that looked like fairy houses, witches in their pointed little hats and little brooms in their hands, fuzzy little bats with googly eyes and silly looking little spiders, black cats with slinky little tails, ghosts with their mouths wide open and even two little figures that turned out to be Jack and Sally and even a little Zero from The Nightmare Before Christmas.

"Did you do all this while I was downstairs?" Bob asked, picking up the soft, fuzzy little figures.

"Yep," you answered proudly. "Kay told me that while the kids were outside playing in the yard, Auggie, Gabe, Nicky and Pete were all collecting sticks and wanted to bring them home. I figured I could use them to make a little Halloween tree."

Bob remembered having been a kid at that type of school and having had Kay's mother for his kindergarten teacher. They were wonderful days, learning how to make fresh bread and soup for lunch, playing with his friends, listening to stories and plenty of playing outside. Yet they had been tough too. Bob remembered some days when his father had gotten a deployment notice. He would hide out in a corner of the classroom and cry until Kay's mother had to gently coax him out. Bob had made damn sure that Auggie, Patrick and any other children you might have, would never have to go through that when they started school. But luckily, Bob and the rest of the Daggers had been fully and honorably discharged by the time Patrick had been born.

"You've gotta teach me how to do this because I'm curious now," Bob chuckled.

"Believe me I will," you told him. "I need a partner so I can keep from getting bored."

Up the stairs came those familiar little feet you heard running through the house day after day on the weekends. "Daddy, Daddy," Auggie chirped again. "Can you read to me?"

"C'mere buddy," Bob said, lifting him up into the bed with his book and putting him between you both.

You rode out the rest of the rainy afternoon, reading The Three Musketeers and the adventures they had lived. Auggie was practically jumping with excitement whenever Bob read the swordfight scenes, the both of you happy and proud that he was your little bookworm.

[strictlyfavorites]

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were "piss poor."

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot; they "didn't have a pot to piss in" & were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands & complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. Since they were starting to smell, however, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women, and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it . . . hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof, resulting in the idiom, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed, therefore, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, leading folks to coin the phrase "dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way, subsequently creating a "thresh hold."

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while, and thus the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up, creating the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive, so they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that's the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring?

[haveyouseenthisskeleton]

Since you have chinchillas, how good would be skeletons with chinchillas?

Thor and Mjöllnir approve this post.

Undertale Sans - He loves to just sit for hours looking them run everywhere. Papyrus is not too happy about the death of the wallpaper they turned to confetti, but Sans thinks it adds charm to the house. He hates a house looking too clean, and that's great because they are as clean as he is: not at all!

Undertale Papyrus - He's happy he has company during the long night when he's not sleeping. However, he never realized small animals like that could be even more chaotic than this annoying dog roaming the house, and sometimes even teaming up with it! He spends hours cleaning their mess, to the point it doesn't feel like Sans moved out, never lol.

Underswap Sans - They're matching his energy, he loves to play with them at night and even race with them in the corridors. He feels like he's turning into a chinchilla himself, tired the day and overexcited at night.

Underswap Papyrus - He never thought his first heartbreak would be because a chinchilla pushed his hand away while he tried to pet it but here he is. If soft, why not cuddly? Honey is devastated.

Underfell Sans - The best day of his life is that day when both him and his chinchillas teamed up to attack Doomfanger. They're maybe little, but they can defend themselves, and with his help, they're invincible. He finally takes his revenge on this damn cat. He showers his babies with treats afterward.

Underfell Papyrus - He thought Doomfanger was a snob but that was before he got chinchillas. He woke up his female a bit too fast and she threw pee at his face for all answer. Wow. He's in love.

Horrortale Sans - He realized he made a mistake after his chinchillas found a way to his headhole, the chinchillas decided it was the best game ever and now are obsessed with going in there. He tried to teach them to not do that but quickly realized that a chinchilla is training you, not the other way around. So he had to train himself to accept having a chinchilla in the head... Because they for sure don't take no for an answer.

Horrortale Papyrus - He never thought such small animals could be so stressful. Since chinchillas don't like heat, he spends his day monitoring the weather and kinda panics when it's too hot outside, to the point he feels like he's burning from the inside himself. Honestly? His chinchillas sleep all day and don't give a care in the world about how hard he's struggling to keep them cool. He hates summer so much.

Swapfell Sans - He's sipping a tea, a chinchilla on each shoulder, facing one of his tied rivals. What? You think they are not as scary as pit bulls or Doberman? Wait for them to prevent you from sleeping three nights in a row and we'll see if they're not so scary anymore. They're a menace. You stand no chance. If you persist, he makes them take their dust bath right in front of your face to blind you. Most dangerous creatures on Earth.

Swapfell Papyrus - They all have Pokemon names and he sends them in battle against random people (even if it's not really effective, even if it can summon cuteness aggression). You see, Rus couldn't adopt one or two. He adopted twenty of them. He has an army of Pokemons and he's unbeatable now. He walks around with all twenty of them hanging on his shoulders or in his pockets and he's not scared to use them. What are you even going to do to stop him?

Fellswap Gold Sans - He wouldn't do good. They're throwing hay and poop everywhere and he would have a mental breakdown just picking their poop over and over again. Since chinchillas poop around up to 240 times a day, he would explode after two hours.

Fellswap Gold Papyrus - He just wants a hug! Just one, please! But now, his chinchillas are giving him the cold shoulder, and refuses to stay on his knees for more than two seconds. Coffee is terribly frustrated, but he can't force them. So he just lays in bed, looking sad. Buy him a dog please.

[heavenlybackside]

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. Since they were starting to smell, however, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women, and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it … hence the saying, “Don��t throw the baby out with the Bath water!”

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof, resulting in the idiom, “It’s raining cats and dogs.”

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed, therefore, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, leading folks to coin the phrase “dirt poor.”

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way, subsequently creating a “thresh hold.”

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while, and thus the rhyme, “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, “bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the “upper crust.”

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up, creating the custom of holding a wake.

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were “piss poor.”

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot; they “didn’t have a pot to piss in” & were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands & complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive, so they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that’s the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring?

[wonijinjin]

cat got your tongue?

author’s note: i wrote this as a halloween special drabble (i know i am late) using this prompt generator (so fun!), enjoy!

synopsis: your perfect plans for halloween night with jeonghan did NOT include hoshi’s surprise.

word count: 0.7k | genre: humour/crack, halloween special, horror/thriller, fluffy ending | pairing: jeonghan x gn! reader, hoshi x jeonghan, gn! reader (platonic) | warnings: spooky themes, screaming, bit of physical fighting, jumpscares (nothing too scary or serious)

it was halloween night and you and your boyfriend jeonghan decided to go on a trick or treating trip around the neighbourhood. to say that you were excited was an understatement; you even bought a cute angel costume for yourself, and (after a big fight about him taking the fallen angel costume instead of the standard angel one) the black angel one for him, ready to be the most iconic duo of the year. you were getting ready in your bedroom, waiting for your boyfriend to come home so you could begin the route of 12 houses when the lights went out, leaving you in the dark. honestly you found the situation ironic; on halloween night the power going out. you felt a shiver run through you, not really liking how you were sitting in complete silence, in the darkness, alone in a big house. you stood up, trying to find your way in the hallway when you heard a strange noise from the kitchen. you were speechless, air caught in your lungs as you really didn’t like mysterious surprises. you collected all the braveness left in you and marched forward, looking for the sound when a black figure passed you. your first reaction was to run, or actually it would have been; but you froze in place. the shadow passed again, making you question if this was your last day on this planet, if this was the end for you, something scary taking you away in halloween, bones shaking with much more fear than before.

the figure peeked out from the kitchen, the only thing you saw was a pair of brown eyes looking back at you. you tried to scream, however you felt a pair of arms grab you by the waist and pull you into the other hallway, the arms that had been holding you inching further up in seconds, a hand covering your mouth. “keep your eyes closed and don’t make a sound.” a voice whispered in your ear, upon hearing which you relaxed; it was jeonghan’s deep tone, the one which he only used when needing to discipline some of the members, or when he was feeling a bit seductive. “you will be quiet and not watch what will be happening, understood?” he told you, to which you could only nod frantically, still scared for your life as you didn’t know what was going on. “i heard the footsteps too. don’t move.” he said and causally stepped aside, looking out to search for the owner of the eyes you had seen previously. although you wanted to ask him when he got home, it didn’t happen since you were focused on the events, breaking his rule of not opening your eyes. you were terrified, but couldn’t resist to look at the scene unfolding in front of you. “horanghae!” a moment later the figure jumped in front of a very cautious jeonghan and revealed itself by taking off a tiger mask; it was hoshi, laughing so hard you thought he would explode. ”got you!” he screamed while jeonghan just stood there, unable to speak. “gosh, you should’ve seen your faces! switching the lights off was an amazing idea, you two looked like you could pee yourselves any minute.” he wheezed, unable to stop. “you son of a-“ jeonghan screamed at him, already hitting hoshi by the shoulder. after a minute or two you finally managed to stop him from slapping his friend for the tenth time. “why would you do something like this soonyoung?” you stood there in disbelief, heart still racing like crazy after the adrenaline rush you had been through. “he did it because last year me and minghao tricked him on halloween. it must’ve been a payback, right, hoshi?” jeonghan smiled dangerously at his friend, waiting for an answer. “that is right. and i did a pretty damn good job.” soonyoung laughed. “well, i didn’t find this funny at all, so i would appreciate it if next time your silly pranks would stay in your friendgroup, okay?” you grimaced, getting hugged by jeonghan from behind, him patting your hair. he looked at hoshi with a warning expression, mouth pressed into a thin line, but eyes smiling, trying hard to contain his laughter ready to burst out. “oh don’t worry angel, i will make sure this tigerboy never pulls something like this again.”

[silkclan]

Silkclans Starclan guide…

Maplepaw he/they

Careful

Constantly climbing

10 moons in life and 180 in death

TW: Animal/Child death and some tough real world pet problems

Maplepaw is an ancestor to Cinnamonstar, which is why he sticks so close to Silkclans territory.

Constantly worrying for Silkclans safety, when Tornshadow was alive they would constantly send visions or be just out of view in the background. Which often made her really angry.

In life Maplepaw would say he was happy, though that’s not clear when it’s been so long sense he lived. Maplepaw was born in a small cramped apartment of a cat breeder. Due to this he wasn’t as lucky as some of his siblings and had a lot of bad health conditions. Maplepaw never knew his parents well, and was taken from his siblings at a young age. Maplepaw was bought by a twoleg, where he was put inside a monster, traveling many miles. Suddenly he went from one apartment to the next. This twoleg den was much less cramped then the last, no cages lined the walls. Compared to his old home this new den was great, even when his twoleg left the house for a few days. Him and this twolegs deal seemed to be merely coexisting after the initial excitement and joys of having a new kitten. His twoleg would always coo at him for doing hardly anything, when it stopped they kind of missed it..But it was okay.

Days grew so tiring, his body ached for rest most the time and he wasn’t sleeping he was drinking or peeing on the floor. His twoleg would always yowl with disappointment but these days he couldn’t find much energy to feel any strong emotion about it. The twoleg seemed melancholy as they put him into the small box, it had bars on the front, he didn’t want to be in a cage again. He felt himself be lifted like he was on air. The box bumped and shook, vibrating with every moment he was inside. Maybe they were in a monster? Maybe.

A new apartment and then a new cold cage, I guess he was destined to feel the ache of his bones against the hard floor below him. It was so bright and loud, he wished to tuck themselves away into a soft nest of sleep. But how could he?

“Hey champ first time to the Cutter?” Oh, there were other cats here. He didn’t know how they didn’t notice those smells. “Is this..?” He weakly mewed. “Hahaha…yup, and if I were to guess they’re probably gonna poke and prod ya a bit.” what sounded like an older she-cat hoarsely chuckled. “Oh.. I hope not, I don’t think I’m up for that…” he trailed off. “I don’t think I’m up for much either champ.” The she-cat said more dejected this time. They sat in that silence of each other’s presence for so long yet so brief, though a metal wall divided them he felt as comforted as they would be sitting side by side. “You know my favorite thing about this weird life?” She said “The stars.” He could almost imagine the far off look in her eyes. “Stars…I’ve never seen those before.” “Well that just ain’t right.” She said almost like she’s was disappointed at some outside force.”They shine like the sun dappled on the rivers bed, atop a spanning blanket of night, far as your paws can take ya..” he had never seen a river either, he would like to see one. “If I were to drop dead tomorrow the last thing I’d want to see are those beautiful stars, that would be livi’n” she finished. “I’d like that to..”

After awhile the she-cat’s presence was gone.The silence wasn’t so lovely anymore.

I think..maybe he knew he was gonna die, as that single needle pricked the back of his scruff, the bright lights and noises fading. All fading into a dark night, He could see those beautiful stars, carry him away.

[mybeautifulchristianjourney]

Grain of Salt "Facts"

I don't know if these are true or not but they come from a source I tend to trust. Still, take 'em with a grain of salt and please excuse the word used for urination. The fact just doesn't make sense without it.

People used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery…….if you had to do this to survive you were "P*ss Poor". But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot……they "didn't have a pot to p*ss in" & were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the old days…

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell … brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it … hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs with thick straw piled high, with no solid roof. The cats and other small animals including mice, bugs lived in the roof to get warm. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes they would slip and fall off the roof … hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was also nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and droppings could mess up their nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how our luxurious “canopy beds” came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a “thresh hold”.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire … every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered “poisonous”.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the “upper crust”.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a “wake”.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive … so they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the “graveyard shift”) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, “saved by the bell” or was considered a “dead ringer”.

[naamahdarling]

If you're a fan of Freddie, then you probably know he was totally mush for cats. There are zillions of photos of Freddie with cats, including backstage with the cast of Cats!

And you probably know the song "Delilah" written about his favorite cat. (if not, stop what you're doing and listen)

But did you know we actually have *video* of Freddie playing with Delilah? (Tumblr won't let me paste the link, but search for "Delilah footage of Freddie Mercury's favourite cat")

What kills me about this is that you can hear other people in the background. Introverts joke about "hanging out with cats at parties" (another good song, this one by the Doubleclicks) and not only is that what Freddie's doing, but it's his own house and thus his own party!

just sharing something which makes me squee to distract you from your troubles...

I knew he was mad about cats, and I knew about the song, which contains a reference to her peeing on his furniture but being so very loving, but I DID NOT KNOW ABOUT THE VIDEO FOOTAGE.

Genuinely crying right now, oh my goodness, he's PETTING her, that's his hand, and you can see from how relaxed she is and the little biscuits she is making that she loves and trusts him. Two absolute queens, oh my god. T_T I hope they are together in whatever hereafter awaits cat lovers and their cats.

[writingsbyzuzu]

hiiiii my friend! <3 it’s been sooo rainy here so i was wondering, could i perhaps get uhhh comfy rainy night in with ethan?

here’s how I think a rainy day would go down

(please please be kind to me y’all, this is my first fic in literally TEN years, I have not written since I was 13. I hope you like it my friend, I wasn’t sure if you wanted a blurb, but I wrote as much as my inspiration would take me.)

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

You had a work trip out in Seattle, and Ethan, deciding to take a break from videos for a while, figured he would join you. You had decided to stay the additional weekend, figuring you both could use some time together just taking in the sights of the city. Unfortunately for you both, it was raining cats and dogs starting that Friday evening, and had no plans of ceasing that Saturday morning.

Ethan, none of the less, was dedicated into making the most of his relaxation time with you. Waking up before you, he decides to make you a warm beverage to wake up to, either your favorite cocoa or tea, warming the water or milk on the stove. As he prepares it, he sees through the open bedroom door you gradually waking up, before you stretch out your arms.

“Morning sleepy. Want something to drink?”

As you come into the kitchen, he gives you a small kiss and gives you the mug full of warm drink, letting you sip as he pulls out the breakfast he has ordered (I can imagine, dear reader, that you probably all but banned him for life from the kitchen after that Thanksgiving video.)

After you eat, he pulls blankets out from the Airbnb closet, setting them gently on the couch. “I figured since we probably can’t do much until the rain stops pouring down so hard, we could watch a movie,” he beams at you.

“Of course! What should we watch?”

“Let’s do something we haven’t watched before.”

Ethan scrolls the multitude of tv streaming platforms, before picking something that had just recently come to streaming, settling in under the blankets to hold you. “Man I hope this is good,” he mumbles. “It’s two hours long.”

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

“Well E? What did you think?” You ask him, looking over at him with a smile. “That was a movie. That was one of the movies ever made.” You laugh, throwing your head back as he kisses your cheek. “Nothing you said was incorrect. I don’t think that’s one we should rewatch.”

“What now?” Ethan asks you. “Board games?” you suggest, stretching once more. He nods, as you stand up. “I’m gonna go pee, I’ll be back,” you say. As you’re in the bathroom, you hear a gasp. You quickly wash your hands and exit, running to see what was the issue. Ethan holds up a box. The Five Nights At Freddy’s board game. “Babe, we have the opportunity to do the funniest thing,” he says.

You laugh and roll your eyes at him.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

“I genuinely do not know how to play this,” Ethan laments, staring at the board, all the pieces long spread out before you. More than forty minutes had gone by of reading the instructions, rolling dice, moving the pieces around, reading the instructions again, and so on and so forth, the both of you flummoxed by the unclear suggestions. “Maybe we look it up on YouTube?” you suggest, shrugging. Ethan shakes his head, gently putting the pieces back in the box. “We gave it our best shot love, let’s just find something else to do.”

“Do you mind if I read? I did want to start that book I got yesterday at that bookstore,” you respond. He nods, and you pull the book out from your bag, before standing up and walking away to get situated and comfortable back on the couch. As you’re moving a pillow around, getting comfortable, Ethan wraps himself in a blanket before laying his head down into your lap. You begin your book as Ethan lays there, and as the minutes tick by, he falls asleep, the house quiet except for the occasional boom of thunder. You find the afternoon slips away from you.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

A few hours later, you decide to wake Ethan up. He smiles up at you, as he slowly wakes up. “Hey honey. Dinnertime?” You ask. You had been hungry for around an hour now, and had figured now was as good a time as any to wake him up and get something to eat. He nods, sitting up. You both get changed, deciding order from a little Italian place you saw down the street. Going to go pick it up, you step out of the house, and he opens the umbrella up for you. You huddle together, as Ethan links your arm with his. You walk down the street together, enjoying the rain, making sure not to get wet. After around a ten minute walk, you arrive, Ethan opening the door for you, closing the umbrella and shaking the water off on the sidewalk.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

When you arrive back at the house, you both feel rather sleepy and a little cold from being out and about, so Ethan runs you a hot bath. “Thank you babe,” you call out, and he nods. “No problem love, just relax.”

After he takes a shower, you warm up the food, which had gone a little cold. “We should have eaten first,” you remark, but Ethan shakes his head. “I couldn’t let my favorite person get cold. You could get sick!” he exclaims. “I didn’t even get wet!” Ethan shakes his head again. “Can’t risk it, now could you eat your food babe?”

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

After another movie spent watching, you both lay in bed, feeling a sense of sleepiness lulled by the rain. He wraps his arms around you, smiling. “You know, this day may not have turned out how we wanted it, but I had a pretty good day with you,” he whispers, kissing your head. “It was a good day. Was a normal day. But a good day.”

“Normal days are good with you,” he responds, shifting to hold you closer to him. “Any day is good with you. I think these kinds are the best though.”

You smile up at him, giving him a peck. “I love you, E.” “I love you too. Let’s get some sleep, okay?” He closes his eyes as the two of you fall asleep, just you and your boyfriend in the quiet normalcy of the rain.

[sweeter-innocence-fics]

You Brought Your Worst and I’m Right Here - Epilogue

Pairing: Gale of Waterdeep x female Tav

Work Summary:

After an explosive falling out between Gale and his academic adviser, Mystra, Tav is left to pick up the pieces.

Modern/College AU.

Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Epilogue

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 1039

Read on AO3.

Masterlists.

Taglist: @mrs-kai-anderson @ang3l1te @missryerye

Taglist info

Previous Chapter

One Year Later

When Gale awoke, he was sandwiched between his two favourite girls. Tav’s face was pressed into his chest, and she was snoring softly. If he mentioned that to her, he knew that she’d blush and deny that she snored, but he had the evidence of his own eyes and ears.

Personally, he didn’t see why it bothered her. She was still beautiful even when her lips were chapped, her mouth hanging open, drooling slightly into his pyjama shirt. He hoped that he never had to wake up without her again.

On his other side, Tara was snuggled into the crook of his arm, a gentle purring rumbling in her chest. He was loath to disrupt this blissful little moment, but he needed to pee. He knew as soon as he got up, Tara would start begging for her breakfast, and that, in turn, would wake Tav.

Tav deserved a lie-in. She’d had a busy week. As carefully as he could, he detangled himself from his girlfriend, planting a kiss on her forehead, and then scooped Tara up into his arms and got out of bed.

Tara trilled sleepily, looking around in confusion, but Gale had carried her out of the bedroom and shut the door before she had the chance to start causing a ruckus.

“Sorry, Tara,” he murmured, setting her down on the kitchen floor, scritching her under the chin for good measure. “I’ll make it up to you.”

She meowed at him, so he got to work pouring the little meat sachet into her bowl. She wove between his legs, purring loudly the entire time he did so. He was practised at the art of not tripping over her while she did so. Tara had managed to trip Tav up a few times, though thankfully without injury for either of them.

Tav had adored Tara immediately, but Tara had been a little slow to warm up to an unfamiliar human. Tav would bribe the cat with fishy treats, which had certainly helped.

The flat they lived in now was nowhere near as big as the house they’d shared with Wyll, Astarion and Shadowheart. It had an open-plan kitchen/living room, a tiny patch of grass out the back that could generously be called a garden, and one bedroom. It was small but it was theirs.

They could’ve afforded a bigger place, but they were saving up for Gale’s PhD. For now, they were both working, but Tav had agreed to contribute more to rent and bills if his PhD application got accepted, so that he could focus on his studies. He had tried to protest, but Tav had remained firm.

“You can pay me back when you’re Dr Dekarios,” she had cooed into his ear, and it had been hard to say no to that. Dating a reasonably well-paid chemical engineer had its perks.

His mother had been dubious about how quickly Tav had become entwined with every part of Gale’s life. He knew that it wasn’t necessarily sensible, since they’d only been dating a year, but it came so naturally to him. Tav was his future.

Luckily, Morena liked Tav well enough. He was sure she never would’ve approved of Mystra, had she met her. In fact, Tav was the first girlfriend Gale had had that Morena actually liked, which was a testament to Tav’s character. It felt like every weekend his mother would call him and ask him when he and Tav were next going to visit her.

Once he’d gone to the bathroom and brushed his teeth, he opened up his laptop to check his emails, and was stopped short by a notification from his university application portal.

He stared at it, heart thrumming in his chest. It was a response to his PhD application. He was one click away from finding out the trajectory of his future. He moused over the link, and then away from it again, gripped by anxiety.

“Good morning,” said Tav sleepily.

Gale hadn’t heard her come in, and was so high-strung that he almost knocked his laptop off the table. She filled the kettle, oblivious to way his life hung in the balance. She was dressed in a dressing gown, her feet bare on the tiles.

His eyes homed in on her feet. They must’ve been cold. He should get her some slippers.

“Gale?”

He looked up to see her looking at him expectantly, as if waiting for him to answer a question. “Er, pardon?”

“I asked if you wanted tea?”

“Oh. Yes please.”

“Are you alright? You look like you’re about to vibrate out of your seat.”

“I got an email about my PhD application.”

Tav set the kettle down and crossed the room to him. “What did it say?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t opened it.”

“Oh…” Her hands came up to cup his face. His eyes fell closed as she stroked his cheek. “Do you want me to open it for you?”

“Please?”

“Okay.”

He turned back to his laptop and she leaned over him, resting her chin on his shoulder. Her hand covered his on the mouse.

“Ready?” she asked.

“No.”

“I’m going to do it anyway.”

“Okay.”

He closed his eyes, feeling her moving both his hand and mouse. She clicked once, and then again, and then moved the mouse a little more before clicking for a final time. A warm, bubbly laugh fell from her lips.

“Gale, open your eyes,” she said, gently headbutting the side of his head.

He opened his eyes. For a moment, the words on the screen were fuzzy, but they came into focus. His jaw dropped.

“You’ve been accepted,” she said, kissing her cheek. “Didn’t I tell you that you would be?”

“You did,” he admitted.

“And I am always right.”

“You are,” he agreed, feeling slightly shell-shocked.

“This calls for a celebration. I could make pancakes? Or a full English? Or we could order burritos from- Oof.”

He had shut his laptop, pushed it away from him and pulled her into his lap. “I love you,” he said, tugging at the cords of her dressing gown.

She cupped his face in her hands, a fond expression on her face. “I love you too, Gale.”

---

Notes:

Hope you enjoyed <3

[rubykgrant]

can we see your pitbull 🥺🥺🥺

Here he is! (I had to wait for somebody to visit who actually has a phone that takes pictures). His name is Zeya (sounds like "Isiah" without the I). I also call him "My precious, pitiful, pretty-ful pitbull"~ He's about 13 now, but we got him right before he turned 2. He lived with my step-brother's family, but they were moving to a place where they couldn't keep pets, so we took him in, and feel in love with him~ He was raised around a baby and a toddler, so he's very friendly and tolerant with little kids and other small animals. If you play with him, and he accidentally bumps you too hard or something, as soon as he hears "Ow", he stops, and shows you his belly as an apology.

We also found kittens that a stray cat had under the house, and we still have one (she's about 10), and they love each other. Sometimes the kitty steals his bed, and he doesn't do anything about, he just lays on the floor (so I pick her up like a pizza and plop her into her own kitty-bed. she just keeps purring). They both know the word "walk", and will stay with me when I take them outside, or stroll through the woods behind the house. He knows a lot of other words too, including "bath". I tease him sometimes, asking- "Do you want a BATH? What if I give you a BATH?", and he does this wiggle-worm routine to tell me NO... but if I take his collar off, he knows it is real (and he still comes a long for the bath, he's just all slow about it. he LOVES when we're done, because then I towel him off, and he's SO HAPPY). The kitty watches every time, fascinated and uncertain why he gets this strange "water ritual" haha.

He loves having his collar; he treats it like a grand honor. When he get him a new one, he gets all EXCITED, doing his little tap-dance as he waits for it. He have his license on it, and also some old keys (that don't go to anything), so we can hear the jingle noise as he runs around (if I let him out at night to pee, and call for him, I can hear the keys jingle before I even see him, so I know he's listening and is coming back).

He has a very specific little "howling" sound he makes, where he goes- "AWOOO-woo-woo-woo-wooooooo!", which is his way to communicate- "I am very happy! Be happy with me!", and it makes us laugh, so he knows we're happy too. He also does a specific thing when he wants to let people know- "I have bone! Don't try to take it from me!" when he wants you to actually get it and throw it; he brings the bone over in his mouth, and makes this muffled warble noise (I've heard him actually bark like normal with a stick or bone in his mouth, so I know this noise is on purpose). I play "where's your bone?" by asking him to go get one of his chew bones, and after he brings it to me, I hide it somewhere in the house. He remembers the "usual" hiding places and checks those first, but will eventually sniff-out the new hiding spot. Sometimes the kitty will be up on the couch or a chair while he looks, and when he walks by, she baps at him with her paws.

He takes his job as Guard Dog very seriously, so if he thinks something Bad is Outside, he wants to bark and go chase it. In general, we don't really care if there are raccoons or whatever out there, and just tell him to hush (he has no sense of self-preservation if he thinks he is "defending" us, and we would rather he NOT get his face scratched up by some wild critter). While he likes to let everybody know "This is MY property!", once he gets done barking, he loves having visitors and making friends. We doesn't need to walk on a leash at the house, but I've trained him to walk with me at my pace when I take him other places, and he understands usual commands like sit/stay (plus all the tricks like shake/speak/etc), and for vet visits I've taught "Hold still" and "Let me see" so he's very good at being looked-over. People have marveled at how "polite" he is when he gently takes a treat from their hands.

He's such a sweet boy, with so many funny little habits and quirks. He loves attention, and while he usually has a lot of excited energy, he's very cute when he's all calm... a few times, I have let him cuddle with me on the couch, and when he falls asleep, he has dreams that make him twitch and yip (which is VERY funny to feel when the dog is sprawled across your chest and tummy). Oh, he also knows the word "medicine", which applies to anything he either has to take (like a pill), or the whole process of disinfecting a scratch/getting bandaged (he doesn't understand what it all means, but he trusts me to take care of him, and knows I must be trying to help). We're making sure he has a nice long, happy life! We love him so much~

[bonfire-at-the-crossroads]

I’m going to try and list the events of today - just so I don’t lose track.

Dawn. Barnum got us moving by 7:00 as usual. Maggie had a pee accident in the night, and the stench was horrible. Bri took Bernie and Maggie out, I took Murphy, and followed up with the Woodge.

Fed the cats and started a fire in the stove in the kitchen. Yeah…we ran out heating oil yesterday afternoon. Had a limited supply of wood and coal, but it began to take the chill off…

Maggie threw up.

And now it gets serious. I googled up pyometra a deadly infection which un-spayed female dogs can get post-heat. Yup. Bri called the vet and talked them into seeing her immediately.

He called the fuel oil company and begged for a delivery - then off he went with Maggie into town.

I continued cleaning and moving things back to the studio - my client guy is coming at 2:00 to pick up his paintings. I bake two loaves of cinnamon bread, and loaf of white bread for tomorrow mornings breakfast. Swill down a cup of coffee, and keep tidying up.

The belt on the dryer busted yesterday, leaving me with two loads of wet laundry which will continue to be wet and will soon begin to get moldy. Bri ordered a replacement part and we will look forward to taking the dryer apart (AGAIN) in about a weeks time.

I mix a bucket of green mold killer and have a go at the front step and walkway - it’s become ridiculously slippery and neither one of us wants to hit the ground hard. I scrub with a chunk of old broom, and leave it to do its thing…

Bri returns with some cat and dog food procured from the vets - but no Maggie. “Shes going to have surgery today. She’s infected and has to have a hysterectomy.”

Barnum had surgery four days ago to remove a cancerous mass in his belly. Now it’s Maggie’s turn.

I take Murphy out again, apply the xeroxed info onto the back of all the completed paintings, and keep tidying. Magda the vet calls to say that Maggie will be operated on this evening, and promises to call and let us know how things went.

The oil guy shows up, pumps €500 into the tank - and leaves. Bri goes out to jump start the boiler.

It doesn’t start. “I’m going to drive to Belleek and buy more wood and coal” - and so he does.

I find the boiler-guys phone number. He’ll be here in two hours.

My client shows up, we chat, drink coffee - he refuses my cinnamon bread, but likes Woodgie very much? We load his Mercedes with the paintings (he’s brought me another BIG one) - I tuck several of my pillows and blankets around the art to cushion them for the ride home.

He does not hand me money.

Which leaves John the boiler guy unpaid. He arrives, works his magic over the next hour - I wrap up a fat slice of cinnamon bread and tell him we will drop his money off at his house tommorrow.

I start making the dough for tonight’s pizza. A figure looms in the doorway - it’s Pat. “I’m just coming from a funeral in Kilty and had to stop as we were passing. Do you mind if I show some people your house?”

Pat is always welcome, I would say “drunk or sober” but somehow we never see “sober”

He rolls in. He is followed by four other people from the funeral - three of whom are smashed. The kind woman who IS sober apologizes for the drop-in, but it really doesn’t matter at this point. They are roaming around the house, tripping over dogs and enjoying Pats tour.

The funeral is for a young g man who “was shot” -?! There is confusion as to whether it was suicide? “In his side” - and yet nobody mentions murder. We offer our sincere condolences.

The tour comes to an end, they all roll outside again - and we bid them farewell- “safe home.”

It’s now 8:00. The pizza dough is rising, the dogs are passed out in front of the fire - and we still have not heard from the vet.

It’s been a day, and no mistake.

[piupiowa]

Get to know a Simmer

I was tagged by the one and only @woosteru 🤍✨ Thanks Cas! love your wallpaper btw

show your wallpaper + last song you listened to:

currently reading: my life circles around Diablo IV right now and nothing else

last movie: Turning Red

last show: Acient Aliens

craving: something crunchy

what are you wearing right now: it's 30°C, I don't have much on

how tall are you: 158cm (I'm woo's twin sister)

piercings: earrings and a tongue one; had medusa but it decided to just fly away one night and I didn't remake it

tattoos: 5 of them; on my back, both thighs, my arm and finger; would love to get more though

glasses/contacts: I wear glasses but only when I'm at a screen or driving

last thing you ate: tomatoes! love me some good tomatoes with just a pinch of salt

favourite colour: PINK!

current obsession: Diablo IV; can't stop playing, can someone please go pee for me?

any pets: can't have them in this apartment but I spend a lot of time with my parents' cats (featured on my wallpaper)

favourite fictional character: Dumbo from Disney's Dumbo movie (1941 version)

last place you traveled: short: my parents' house; long: Crete last year

I don't want to be irritating, so please ignore me completely if you've done it or don't want to do it: @void-imp @lilamausmaus @bobnewbie @szmoothie (love you and waiting for the come back! 💕) @pralinesims @lilypixels @apricote

[miatsai]

Bitter Medicine omake

otherwise known as "correct incorrect Bitter Medicine," or maybe "incorrect correct Bitter Medicine." either way, spoilers for anyone who hasn't finished, though as a person who doesn't care about spoilers, i think you can go ahead and read regardless.

Tony barges into Elle’s house on the heels of an unlocking glyph, entering as insouciantly as the wind itself. Sure, he might have a spare key, but there’s no fun in using it, nor is there any fun in ringing the doorbell like some normal person who respects boundaries. Like a cat, Tony believes he’s meant to be anywhere and everywhere. Unlike a cat, however, he won’t pee on something to mark his territory.

Before the character of 開 even fades from his fingertips, he’s met with, in order: a chokehold; a knife at his throat; and a cold-faced, dead-eyed Luc.

But Tony is prepared. Despite what his sister thinks of him, he’s not the carefree, vain playboy she believes he is. A significant amount of the time, yes, he is, but he has his life and his affairs in order, which was not a goal Elle could boast of achieving a year ago. Tony is well aware that Luc was alerted to his presence by the sound of the car pulling up the drive and by the cadence of Tony’s footsteps on the front walk. The whole manufactured situation serves multiple purposes. It’s a test of Luc’s readiness, for one thing, and maybe it’s a bit of a hazing, too, for daring to shack up with Elle, but most importantly, it’s Tony’s way of getting Luc close.

The chokehold never lands, nor does the knife. Tony exhales cheerfully as Luc stops half a centimeter away, kept from touching Tony through use of a shell glyph and a generous borrowing of Shénnóng’s qì. Luc takes a second too long to relax, and it’s that second Tony uses to flip into his second sight—no, that makes him sound like a mystic—his qì eyes—no, not that either—his Tony Vision. He scans Luc quickly from head to toe, taking note of Luc’s meridians and energy centers, making sure everything remains as put as it was when Tony had anchored those points months ago. They sometimes look like they might not stay put, which necessitates these checkups. Tony already has had to make tiny, secret adjustments, which Luc has taken as Tony being overly handsy and affectionate.

Elle is harder to fool, and Tony’s just waiting for the day when she sits him down with a pot of tea and asks, in a direct but gentle fashion, how much time Luc has left.

Tony pushes clear of Luc, whose face hasn’t yet freed itself completely from being in “destroy” mode. “You’re armed in your own house?”

Luc flicks his switchblade closed and takes a step back. “A strange, unwanted man keeps intruding. I stay vigilant.”

“She’ll leave you if you kill me.” Grant appears from behind the couch and twines himself around Tony’s legs. Tony leans down to give the orange tom a scratch.

“Don’t give me a reason to, then. Why are you here?”

“I’ve decided,” Tony says, straightening, “that the inside and outside of your house is ugly. I can’t do much about the inside yet—”

“I don’t take interior design pointers from someone who considers his own portrait the height of décor,” Luc interrupts.

“But the outside is a greige mess and that, I can fix.” Tony spreads his arms wide. “I’ve a bit of a green thumb, if I do say so myself, and some color would really enliven this place. It’s a millennial color scheme dream, which means it’s really a nightmare.”

Luc’s face, which had shifted away from murder to blatant distaste, returns to murder. “No.”

The sliding door to the backyard opens, and Elle enters, her eyes narrowed. “Tony, you have a key! Don’t tell me you broke the doorframe again with 開! I told you specifically to use 開鎖!”

“First, is that any way to greet your elder brother, and second, your doorframe is fine, and I used 開 only on the lock and not the door, so please unclench over property damage.”

“He wants to do landscaping,” Luc says. “I have said no. This is a rental.”

“And that’s my problem . . . how?” There are already plants in the backseat and trunk of Tony’s car. He doesn’t believe in asking permission, only begging forgiveness.

“Oh, no,” Elle says, lifting an ink-stained hand and covering her eyes briefly. “Tony, you can’t.”

“Oh, yes, I can.”

“Absolutely not.” Luc’s voice is fetchingly firm. Add in that accent, and it’s no wonder Elle’s done what she’s done.

“It’s too late. I’ve got my buddies in the car. I’m going to make the front of your house look like someone who gives a damn lives here.”

Elle heaves a sigh. “You might as well give up, Luc. Tony gets really weird about plants.”

“I miss my friends.” It had broken a piece of Tony’s heart to leave his plants behind in Raleigh. He’d tended some of them for over a decade. They’d been his longest relationships outside his family.

“I told you,” Elle says. “Really weird. Let him do it and see what happens.”

“You’ll have a beautiful yard, is what’s going to happen.” Tony pulls a fresh pair of gardening gloves out from his back pocket, then slaps them into his open palm. “You’ll see. This is going to be the Redfin star of the block.”

Elle takes hold of Luc’s hands, gripping them hard enough for her knuckles to show white. “You go and do that, Tony. Enjoy yourself.”

It is perhaps a little alarming how easily Elle is rolling over and showing her belly, but Tony sets the warning feeling in his gut aside. He’s doing her a favor. He’s doing himself a favor as well because he can’t stand being in places that aren’t beautiful. Somehow, even though Elle is churning out calligraphy and paintings from her chaos shack in the yard, there isn’t a single piece of hers on the walls. There probably aren’t even nail holes. Luc’s doing, no doubt.

“I’ll let you know when I’m done!” Tony says.

“I’m sure you will,” Luc mutters.

***

“My hydrangeas!” Tony wails three weeks later, standing aghast in front of Elle’s house. The driver’s-side door to his car is open. The engine is still running; the keys are swinging from the ignition. He’s probably breaking some California law against idling, but he doesn’t care.

The row of bushes he planted in front of the house is gone as if it never existed, replaced by a mulch bed. A single sphere of blue hydrangea flowers lies wilting atop it, taunting him. The reason for the multiple paper compost bags at the curb becomes stunningly clear. Clear, too, is the danger he’s presently about to be. “Luc, what the fuck!”

The curtains to the front windows are drawn slowly open, and Luc’s face appears. He unlocks the window and pushes it up, the frame screeching against itself. “I told you not to do it. Elle told you not to do it. You did it anyway. You’ve only yourself to blame.”

“Is it a crime to be beautiful?” Tony cries.

“You didn’t match the plants to others in the hydrozone, you didn’t account for the runoff, the existence of which breaks the county code, you didn’t ask permission from the landlord, and you didn’t plant according to the HOA bylaws.” Luc rattles off all the rules Tony has broken in a deadpan voice. “And you’re idling. Shut the car off.”

Tony stomps over to the car and yanks the keys out, then slams the door extra loud. “Your landlord sucks.”

“You owe me for my time, materials, and labor. I will email you an invoice.” Luc shuts the window and draws the curtains.

Tony would laugh if he weren’t so upset at the waste of living things. He’s got a love of greenery on account of growing up surrounded by wilderness. He’d talked to those hydrangeas as he’d planted them, dammit, and told them he was proud of them and everything. He might have also added a little bit of magic to speed them along their way. Last week, orbs of pink and green and white and blue had greeted him, making Elle’s house the prettiest on the block. This week, it’s back to being a house only HGTV and gentrifiers could love.

His phone buzzes with a text. Tony fishes it out, staring at the screen as he realizes the text is from Elle. I’m sorry, it reads. You do kind of owe Luc, though.

“Owe him for what?” Tony hollers at the windows.

A moment later, his phone buzzes again. He didn’t say anything when our landlord sent a nastygram. He didn’t say anything when the HOA showed up at the door. He covered for you and said he’d take out the plamts

The phone buzzes again. Plants*

It buzzes a fourth time. I think that’s worth a thank you, don’t you? He’s jock about the invoice.

And a fifth time. Jocking

Buzz number six. Not jocking! Joking! I hate autocorrect!

Tony texts back furiously. You can turn that shit off you know. and thanks i guess for not snitching. i won’t charge you for the plants and labor and luc can not charge me for his labor and we’ll call it even

The curtain is pushed aside, and Luc opens the window again. “It is not even.”

Elle opens the door, though in reality, she opens it, Luc shuts it, and she opens it again. “It’s even. Mulch is not that expensive and Luc had a great time ruining your day, except for the part where he stank. Come in, Tony. Want some tea?”

Of course Tony wants tea that he doesn’t have to make. He hides a smile as he thinks about Luc smelling like mulch. He was probably in hell, that fastidious asshole. “No one can snitch on me if I handle the interior, right?”

The last thing Tony sees is Luc’s glare in the magical California sunlight before the door slams shut.

[is-not-a-unicorn]

I'm having a bad mental health day

I'm really struggling to do anything. I'm not even going to the house today because I need a break. I'm trying to take it easy so I can calm down. I did some Journaling when I woke up. I stopped by my partner's work to visit with him and bring him lunch and I did some shopping. I thought getting out and doing stuff would help me feel less depressed but it didn't. I took a shower and I'm gonna nap after I post this. Maybe that will help.

CW: angry rant after the cut

I was up all last night and couldn't sleep because I was thinking about how angry I am with my roommates.

This entire floor was covered in piss & shit with paper towels cemented to the tile. My roommate kept saying he would clean it up. Did he? No!! My partner and I did. I spent like $200 on cleaning supplies, he had everything he needed to clean. He said he was going to but days went by and nothing. He said he would clean on Tuesday and we came back Sunday and nothing was done. My partner couldn't be in the house because of the smell so we cleaned it ourselves. It still smells like urine but not as overpowering as it was 😢

I'm just tired of being the one doing 95% of the cleaning. I did ALL of the cleaning the first two years we lived together. After I stopped cleaning up after them everything went to shit. I haven't used the kitchen in 5 years because it smells like urine. And they never cleaned it.

The basement was flooding last year and the plumber refused to come in the house. I wasn't even living there, I was with my partner in his apartment. And I'm still the one that cleaned the kitchen and the laundry room.

The other roommate always says thank you and tells me how great it looks and I HATE that. I don't care that you're grateful. I don't want to always be the one doing the cleaning. I work more hours and have a harder job. I haven't lived in the house for the past two years. Clean up your own fucking mess. I don't want praise. I want them to clean up their own shit.

Talking to them does nothing. They say they'll clean up but they DON'T. I swear I'm gonna start charging them $75/hr to clean up after them and just take the money from the household account idc.

I'm scared to live in the house again. I was so depressed living there before, things got REALLY bad. It'll probably be better this time because my partner will be there to support me. My partner keeps telling me it will be okay. But I'm still scared. I keep having break downs and crying if I think about it too much.

And my partner's mad too. He thinks my roommates shouldn't have a dog if they can't take care of it. But the dog is extremely reactive and wouldn't be able to be rehomedso he's not going to say anything to my roommates about that. My partner is going to try to work with training the dog since my roommates haven't. He feels absolutely terrible that this dog has been forced to live in her own urine and feces. It's unsanitary and cruel. My partner is also worried that the urine soaked through the grout and damaged the foundation of the house.

I don't even know how my roommates' cats are because they stay in their room. But my roommates always smell like cat pee and it's a little bit embarrassing for me to be around them in public.

I don't even know what to do except keep cleaning. Next week. Not today.