#How am i supposed to do schoolwork when i have ptsd and just want to curl up in a ball on my bed aks style. Riddle me that

[sharkjumpers]

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

[bohemian-rhapsody-in-blue]

Beboptober Day 30: Rain

Thanks to @thestarlightsymphony for the prompt list...which is from October 2022 and not March 2023!!! I know, I know, this is a ridiculously late submission—I promised to finish the last two days of Beboptober in November and then just...never did. For a while there I thought it would be forever unfinished and just sorta languish, like Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony. What do we even CALL this now? Beboparch? Beborch?

But I am FINALLY finishing it (while procrastinating on other actual schoolwork, as is custom for me), and here it is! Once I’ve gotten all the chapters out (this and Day 31 are all I have left!), I’ll be collecting all the chapters and posting them to AO3 in one long work.

I’ll be tagging some of the other lovely friends in the Bebop fandom who have helped get me through Beboptober: @aldreantreuperi, @eclaire-and-pocky, @mx-sinisters, @spike-and-faye, @noblesixofhalo, @allicaj and @smithasandwich among them!

Oh, and this fanfic takes place pre-series, pretty early in the Spike-and-Jet partnership. Very mild TW for descriptions of PTSD triggers/flashbacks seen from the outside.

Spike and Jet were planetside, having collected the reward money for their most recent catch—small potatoes, barely enough to cover a few days’ worth of decent meals, but at least it was better than nothing. They’d bought a few necessary supplies and had been making their way back to their ship, bantering about something or other—probably about the kind of food Jet would make with the groceries they’d picked up—when all of a sudden the sky opened up, and they had to run back to the Bebop, as fast as they could, to avoid catching the brunt of it.

It was the kind of storm where the rain pounded down in torrents and the sky looked so bleak and gray that you couldn’t help but feel the same way; the kind of storm that made Jet shiver and his arm feel creaky and rusty, and that made him want nothing more than to curl up in a warm room inside with his bonsais and a cup of tea. Or, better yet, just pilot the Bebop out of there and into outer space, far above the rainclouds, where the star-studded sky was dark and calm.

But not Spike. He stood stock-still, the rain washing over him. His usually-fluffy hair hung limp, plastered to his forehead.

“Spike,” Jet called out from the entrance to the Bebop, gesturing for his partner to follow.

Spike was silent, unmoving. It was as if Jet wasn’t even there.

“Spike!”

“It was raining that day too,” Spike said under his breath, so softly that Jet wasn’t sure he’d heard right.

“Huh?” Jet lowered the grocery bags in his arms and moved a bit closer, leaning in to catch the words.

“That day. In the graveyard.” Spike still took no notice of Jet; the smirk that had been on his face just moments earlier was replaced with a faraway gaze. Preoccupied. Pensive. Like the thousand-yard stare of a soldier. “It was raining then too.”

Jet had no idea what Spike was talking about. They’d only been partners for a few months, but in that time Jet had learned that Spike didn’t like to talk much about his past. Every question Jet had asked about it had been met with a brush-off or a drily sarcastic joke or, when Spike was in a particularly bad mood or a few drinks in (or both), a sharp rebuke. Jet hadn’t pushed the issue very far; he supposed everyone had boundaries. After all, it wasn’t like he was going to just offer up all willy-nilly the story of how he lost his arm, either. Some things were better left in the past.

But he knew that look, the one on Spike’s face now. He’d seen it a lot on his fellow officers in the ISSP who were dwelling on the past, lost in painful memories—even if they didn’t want to be, didn’t plan to be. Some were so lost they couldn’t move. Some did things they regretted later. That was the tricky thing about the past—it had a way of sneaking up on you.

So he made his way over to Spike. The rain fell over him in a deluge, the drops bouncing off his bald head and sliding off his metal arm, but he barely noticed. He shifted his bags of groceries to one hand and, as gently as he could, took Spike by the arm. “C’mon. Let’s get you home.”

At Jet’s touch, Spike’s expression suddenly cleared and his face seemed to harden. “Right. Home.” He shook his head, as if he were physically shaking off whatever had come over him (or maybe just drying himself off, the way dogs did—Jet couldn’t tell); then his face relaxed and he threw Jet a sideways, sardonic glance. “For a delicious, hearty meal of Nothing But The Cheapest Carbs In The Store.”

“Hey!” Jet replied in mock outrage as they set off in a jog back to the Bebop’s door. “I’m doing my best here.”

“Guess it’s better than having to look forward to our third straight day of ramen. Without even an egg for flavor.”

“Eggs are too damn expensive these days….”

As the door closed behind them, shutting out the storm, Jet realized he still didn’t know what exactly it was from Spike’s past that had him in such a chokehold. Something about a graveyard, and rain—that, right there, was the most Spike had ever offered up, and Jet wasn’t sure Spike was even aware he’d said it.

He supposed that information would come in time. Or never at all.

But for now, they were here—Spike hanging up his jacket and wringing out the bottom of his shirt with an expression of disgust, Jet stocking the pantry with the food they’d picked up, the two of them getting ready to fly the Bebop away from the planet, from the rain, from everything.

That, he guessed, was what mattered.

[authenticleviackerman]

No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai and how the book helped improve my life.

Despite the controversy and even banning of No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai in some parts of the world as I have come to learn, it has to be one of my favourite books. The disconnect from the world, society and people hit very close to home, and it was ultimately the book which made me realize that despite what people have told me ("You're such a smiley person though", and "You have too much energy to be depressed" etc.) is just not what makes a person depressed or not.

I think that this book is a perfect gateway into the concept of mental illness. I'd like to tell you a little story. Keep in mind I don't really consider myself a writer, I'm just an insomniac who is self taught in English and has nothing to do at 4 am.

I, like Yozo, learned to fake a smile. As a child I was always talkative and loved books. I learned to speak fairly early (at about 6 months of age) and always flipped through books for hours despite it not being typical for kids with my diagnosis (cerebral palsy).

I was always a child who was very afraid of something I couldn't even name. Slight change of voice made me cry, no matter what the context. I could meet my grandma's friend and I didn't greet them (because I didn't know you were supposed to greet them yet) and after my grandma told me, I started crying because I thought I made her mad.

This never improved, even after I had entered school. In fact, it got worse. I was not yet aware of anything until the first day in 1st grade, when my teacher greeted everyone formally but me, leading to confusion and so I accidentally greeted her in an informal way as well. This of course, has led to embarrassment.

I soon got an assistant who was supposed to help me learn. I never had an intellectual disability of any kind, although I couldn't really focus on schoolwork and wanted to play instead, so her role was to be like an" at home teacher" and someone to look after me when my parents were busy.

She had worked with disabled people in the past so my mom naturally thought nothing could go wrong, and for a short while it didn't until about 5th grade when things started getting worse, but that's a whole another chapter.

Long story short, for 10 years, she mentally abused me, putting me down whenever some of my weaknesses showed, totally ignoring the fact that I had learned how to speak English (in my case a foreign language) completely on my own.

That made me think I was now fundamentally broken, leading to severe self hate while I still put a smile on my face, because depression and anxiety in media are usually showed in the most severe cases, so I couldn't be ill. I'm just an idiot.

I started writing poetry (which I now inconsistently post on my Instagram but I am afraid to do so as I fear that if my mom's friends noticed it being too dark, they would tell my mom who could scold me for it so I haven't put anything out there in a while. Besides, they pretty much ruined the tags) which did get some small audience (I got one of my favourite musician's wife to follow me there) but my brain makes me give up on things because I feel like there was no point in it, which was a frequent theme described in no longer human and his other books.

For years and despite my mom literally asking me to stop crying all the time, not one teacher or professional suggested therapy. I was just told to "grow up already" or laughed in the face by my assistant (who caused me to develop PTSD like symptoms), so I had to beg my mom to bring me in repeatedly.

Thankfully, bringing the book up in therapy this summer got me on antidepressants, (which, again , I thought I don't need because in my brain I wasn't "sick enough") and now my mom is aware that I am fighting my own brain, so she isn't frustrated with me when I cry.

That is what I'd like to say, but unfortunately it was a bit too late and I learned to numb down my emotions because I'm afraid of being shamed. The only people who see me cry are my therapist and psychiatrist who saw through the (very believable) fake smile, and people who I truly trust.

The antidepressants definitely worked though, and I believe if Dazai lived in an age where antidepressants existed and mental health wasn't stigmatized, he would feel at least a little better.

I hope I manage to feel human one day.

[girrsah]

Chapter: 7/? Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationship: Dabi/Hawks (My Hero Academia); more to come as story progresses Characters: Todoroki Fuyumi, Dabi (My Hero Academia), Todoroki Shouto, Todoroki Natsuo, Todoroki Enji | Endeavor, Hawks (My Hero Academia), Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Usagiyama Rumi | Miruko

Additional Tags:

Dabi is a Todoroki, Fuyumi and Dabi Twin AU, mentions of child abuse, Abuse, Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse, vigilante!Fuyumi, non-canon compliant, PTSD, more pairings to come but I don't want to spoil them, self-care, sometimes self-care is kicking your brother's ass, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fake Dating, more relationships as they occur in the fic

She always hated coming here.

She’d seen the campus a few times when she and Touya were approaching their first years, she’d come along to cheer him on during his testing only to test for the General Studies course herself. 

They both got in but she declined due to...well...

Schools were meant to have color, to have fun, to encourage children to get along and be the best they could be and to be the best they could be while bringing each other up at the same time. U.A. always gave her a clinical vibe and while Shouto told her that the other students often had team-ups, study groups, and whatnot, there was still a level of competition that seemed a bit too Battle Royale for her taste.

Then again, maybe the fact that she watched her brother completely over-freeze the stadium in his first Sports Festival had something to do with it.

Fuyumi sucked in a breath and approached the gate that only students and staff could pass through and looked up towards the camera at the probable security guard. “Excuse me? I’m Fuyumi Todoroki. I have a meeting with Aizawa-sensei?”

A panel opened up and she jumped at the abruptness of it’s movements and then the awkwardly loud voice coming over the speaker. “Put your hand to the screen.” She did as such, watching as it scanned her finger prints, “Please remove your glasses and look into the camera above the screen.” She obeyed, leaning forward and feeling goofy as she tried not to blink during the quick retinal scan. “Thank you, Ms. Todoroki, please take your visitor badge and map to Aizawa-sensei’s office.”

She fumbled a bit, taking the badge and clipping it to her blouse collar since she had nowhere else to visibly put it and then accepted the map with a quick thank you and made her way to the large, H shaped building. 

It looked too corporate to be full of children .

It didn’t help that Fuyumi was just coming from work where she spent a day encouraging kids to color and have fun. She was in the business of helping create happy, well rounded children who didn’t have to think twice about the Hero Society if they didn’t want to. Not when they can talk about puppies and fairy tales. 

But that also meant she felt terribly underdressed in her jeans and blouse. It was a surprisingly warm fall day (the past few days had been extremely cold so this warm front was a welcome surprise) so she didn’t bring a cardigan but her work bag hung off her shoulder and she gripped it tightly as she entered the main campus building and turned right as the map advised.

After some time of walking, she found herself a bit lost and she felt relief when she saw two boys about Shouto’s age walking down the hallway, “Excuse me!” She called out to them while approaching them, “I’m sorry but I can’t seem to find this room…” She pointed to the map, “I have a meeting with Aizawa-sensei of class 1-A.”

Both boys were tall and certainly looked like they belonged at U.A. in the sense that they seemed fit and imposing. The boy with unruly purple hair bent down slightly to look at the map and shook his head a bit, “They gave you bad directions,” He told Fuyumi, “Aizawa-sensei’s not even in that room half the time.”

“It’s not their fault, Shinsou, these maps are based off of time blocks and Aizawa-sensei simply doesn’t follow his own schedule!” The other boy, broad with a neat haircut and glasses scolded.

“Are you actually speaking negatively about your teacher, class president?” The boy, Shinsou, asked.

The other boy sputtered and straightened up immediately, “You’re not in our class yet, Shinsou, so I’ll just warn you now that if you think-” Fuyumi cleared her throat, “I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be late for my meeting.”

Shinsou gave her a smile, looking more pleased at the red color of his soon-to-be classmate’s face than anything, “We can show you,” He assured in a soft, kind tone that Fuyumi would associate with a Hero student - good thing this boy either was one or was going to be one.

They started leading her back towards the way she came and Shinsou opted to break the silence, “So why are you meeting with Aizawa-sensei?” “Shinsou, don’t be nosey!”

“I’m Shouto Todoroki’s sister,” Fuyumi introduced herself, “I wanted to talk to him about something Shouto said to me the other day.”

The other boy looked surprised and then a little flustered, “My apologies, I didn’t know Todoroki had a sister!” He all but exclaimed before stopping to properly and politely greet her, “I’m Tenya Iida. Todoroki and I are friends and classmates!”

Fuyumi smiled, “It’s nice to meet you, Iida.” She replied kindly, biting back the feeling of disappointment that Shouto didn’t speak about home to the point that no one knew he had an older sister. Did he talk about Natsuo? Or did he just not mention her? “He seems so much happier since making friends at U.A. so thank you!”

Iida seemed more flustered at that, his face a bit red and a small, pleased smile on his face, “O-Of course! I appreciate his friendship!” He announced robotically, “This way please!” 

Shinsou rolled his eyes behind Iida’s back, offering Fuyumi an amused little smile as the Class President led the way outside and towards some buildings just past the main campus.and towards a series of brick buildings. They walked towards one of the buildings and Iida opened the door before looking at Shinsou.

“...I suppose you can come in.”

“Gee, thanks.”

They made their way in, Shinsou taking off in a different direction after a quiet ‘nice to meet you’ to Fuyumi and she heard a chorus of delighted ‘Shinsou!’ coming from what she assumed was the common area. Iida led her to a room just off the entrance and knocked on the door politely.

“Aizawa-sensei! You have a visitor! She says you have an appointment!”

There was a noise like something had fallen and then fumbling behind the door before it was yanked open to reveal the sight of Shouto’s extremely disheveled teacher. His gaze flickered from Iida, who looked thoroughly unimpressed, then to Fuyumi and then back before he let out a long, drawn out sigh.

“Thank you, Iida.” He dismissed, “Ms. Todoroki, please, come in…...don’t mind the mess.”

Fuyumi looked at Iida, giving a slight bow, “Thank you for your help.” She offered him a kind smile.

The pink seemed to return to his face as he bowed back awkwardly and (loudly) assured her that it was his pleasure before robotically turning around and rushing away as quickly as he could without actually running. Fuyumi gave a confused little hum, wondering if Shouto’s friends were all this...odd...and turned her attention back to Aizawa, who was attempting to look like he was tidying his office by pushing papers back and forth.

There was a chair in the corner, the office designed more for him to work than for him to meet with anyone and Fuyumi awkwardly decided to close the door behind her and sit on the edge of her chair, her bag neatly by her feet as she watched Aizawa seem to gather his thoughts as he shuffled through all of his papers and tried to make himself less disheveled. 

“Should I come back later?” Fuyumi asked tentatively.

He looked up at her suddenly and she flinched at his sharp expression but he immediately softened upon seeing her reaction, “No, no, I’m sorry about keeping you waiting, Ms. Todoroki.” He sighed heavily and found what he was looking for, a post-it note with near intelligible writing. “I’m surprised you asked to speak to me and not your father-”

“He doesn’t know I’m here,” Fuyumi interjected, “I...He feels Shouto’s focus should be more on his schoolwork and his goal of becoming a Hero.” “Whose goal?”

“Pardon?” Fuyumi asked, her face growing a bit warm as Aizawa studied her intently before leaning back in his chair.

“You wrote to me because you were concerned about your brother’s being able to wrap up your injured hand?” Aizawa asked and Fuyumi flinched at his words, tugging her sleeves a bit over her bandaged hands as she’d split them once again due to Quirk overuse (she didn’t expect such a brawl last night) and this time had to look up a YouTube tutorial to effectively wrap them. “You realize dressing minor wounds is something every hero should know, Ms. Todoroki, so I’m curious to know why you’re actually here.”

“O-Oh, well, I…”

She should have known he would have picked up on her weak excuse immediately.

“As I said, my father is more concerned with Shouto’s educational and professional successes,” She started slowly, “And...I’ve been watching Shouto since he started at U.A. and while I am concerned about the fact that your students are regularly bandaging each other up, I’m thankful for how he’s doing socially. I was worried about him when he first started but he’s really opened up.”

Aizawa hummed and ran a hand through his messy hair, “If it’s any consolation, it’s usually just one particular student that needs the bandaging up.”

“It’s not.”

“Understandable.” 

Fuyumi shifted, “I know my father wants Shouto at U.A. and I know Shouto wants to be at U.A. but...can you let me know what your students go through so I can just have...peace of mind?” She plead. “I’m just…”

“Worried now that your father is Number One Hero and with past attacks on U.A. that Shouto may not be in the safest place?” Aizawa guessed.

Fuyumi flinched and nodded slowly, “The world is getting scarier and I can’t really voice my concerns to anyone but...I just want to make sure my youngest brother is safe.”

Aizawa hummed, crossing one leg over the other as he studied her silently and she squirmed in her seat, suddenly realizing that this was probably a terrible idea. He was a Pro Hero who could probably and would probably see right through her. She’d already seen him glance at her bandaged hands, his questions were probing but not enough to stir up any real suspicion. She worried for the students’ mental health but she worried that her appearance would completely derail the conversation and that Aizawa would figure her out. 

Maybe he already knew she was playing vigilante and getting into fights. Maybe he heard about the bar fight and put one and two together. Afterall - her brother had half an Ice Quirk, it was fully possible he had a sibling with an Ice Quirk, right? She’d been sloppy. She’d been careless. She was sitting here in front of a Pro Hero, covered in bandages and trying to keep cool.

He was on to her and she was playing right into it.

“I’ve gotten quite a few comments from concerned parents about exactly this subject,” Aizawa replied, pulling Fuyumi from her panic, “Even though they agreed to the dorm system, the news reports start sinking in as does the battle your father went through with the High-End Noumu and they need to be sure they’re making the right decision for their children to be here.” She felt the tension leave her shoulders at his words and she looked down at her hands, glad she was apparently wrong about him seeing right through her and readjusting her bandages a bit. 

Aizawa shuffled through his paperwork and slid out a form, offering it to Fuyumi, “This is their typical schedule. I hope you understand that I’ve had to mark out important information for the sake of security…”

“I understand,” Fuyumi replied softly, accepting the paper and reading over the page. The kids had a lot of practical lessons but it was good to say that the school was still teaching them relevant courses such as Math and Literature. “What about psychological wellness?” Fuyumi asked suddenly, “And offering the children options?”

“Options?” Aizawa asked, his demeanor a little more alert now.

“They’re children,” Fuyumi replied, “They can change their minds. Or, heaven forbid, they experience an injury in the field that could prevent them from continuing their Heroing careers. If you don’t give them options such as a secondary career focus, they’re going to start at square one when everyone else their age is far ahead of them.” Aizawa raised an eyebrow at her and she immediately felt herself clam up, quickly putting the paper back on his desk and staring down at her hands, flexing her fingers carefully, “I-I-I’m sorry. I didn’t...I shouldn’t be...I’m not one to tell you how to tell your job.”

Who did she think she was? Just acting like she could tell a Pro Hero how to teach children how to be Pro Heroes. It was shameful. 

“Ms. Todoroki, do you have a boyfriend?”

“E-E-Excuse me?”

Aizawa sighed heavily and rubbed at the back of his neck, “I’m always bad that this,” He muttered under his breath, “Ms. Todoroki, you’re... while I am Shouto’s teacher, if you need someone to talk to about,” His eyes glanced to her hands again, “Anything…”

Oh, he thought she had a...well, he wasn’t entirely far off but…

“I really appreciate your offer,” She assured, “But these are just from taking self-defense classes.”

He didn’t seem to believe her and she shifted awkwardly in her seat again, “I...thank you for your reassurances,” She announced, standing up and he followed suit. “Seeing that Shouto’s got such a strong support system at school is really helpful.”

“I didn’t exactly answer your question…” Aizawa drawled, moving to open the door for her - or keep it closed and keep her pinned in.

“It wasn’t my place to ask it,” Fuyumi replied quickly.

Aizawa continued to study her and she looked anywhere but his face, fidgeting with the bag in her hands. After a long moment, the Pro Hero sighed and pulled the door open, pushing it with his arm because the office was so cramped and allowing Fuyumi to duck under his arm and pass through the doorway.

She turned and gave a short, deep bow, “Thank you for listening to my concerns,” She told him, eager to get out of there now that she felt on edge.

He was on to her. He was on to her. Hewasontoher.

She wondered if she looked suspicious outside of the obvious injuries. Was she breathing too heavily? She certainly felt like it. Why was this building so hot? Weren’t the students uncomfortable? Wasn’t Aizawa? He was wearing what essentially seemed like a jogging suit, afterall. So why was she feeling so warm and no one else felt bothered?

“Thank you for expressing them,” Aizawa replied before his gaze shifted from her to down the hall, a scowl momentarily crossing his face.

Fuyumi followed his scowl, just barely seeing a handful of teenage faces dipping behind the corner. She huffed out a tiny laugh before looking at Aizawa again, feeling a little better now that the tension was broken by the teenagers. He looked at her, his annoyance with his students evident but she didn’t see any harm behind his expression - it was more of a tolerance than anything.

It was reassuring.

Shouto and his friends would be fine.

She bowed politely again, “Still, thank you.” 

Aizawa gave a short nod, “Of course. And like I said earlier…”

He didn’t continue with his response, probably because Fuyumi’s face was feeling hot and she certainly knew she’d either grown red in the face or had gone completely pale along with being tight lipped and looking anywhere but at him. Her whole body was tense at the idea that Shouto’s teacher was under the assumption that she was being...well...she wasn’t and she certainly didn’t want to talk about it.

“I appreciate it,” She replied, realizing afterwards that her tone was more clipped than she intended. 

“Fuyumi?” Fuyumi and Aizawa both turned to see Shouto standing at the end of the hallway, looking concerned for the most part as he glanced between the two of them. “Is everything okay?”

High near the ceiling, just by the corner was an ear.

“Oh, Shouto,” Fuyumi fumbled, trying to find the right thing to say so she wouldn’t mortify and embarrass her little brother in front of his friends and classmates. “We’re just…”

“I’m having progress checks with your parents and guardians,” Aizawa drawled, “When we established the dorm systems, we thought it would be a good idea to offer progress reports in the beginning so that we and your parents can be certain this is the right move for your progress and well being.” 

Shouto’s eyes flickered from Aizawa to Fuyumi and she offered a smile, more at ease now that Aizawa had established that it was okay to lie to her little brother, “I guess I must be the first one to get a progress check,” Added lightly with a little shrug.

Shouto didn’t seem impressed, “What about Father?”

She waved him off, “You know that he’s busy,” She replied, “Besides, I figured you’d prefer it if I came instead of him. I’ll tell him about the visit tonight.”

Shouto still continued to frown at her.

“Unless you want your sister to meet your friends, I think it’s for the best to let her go home,” Aizawa chimed in.

Shouto looked at Fuyumi, clearly internally debating if he wanted to introduce her to his class in such an impromptu manner and Fuyumi decided to spare him. “Maybe next time, I need to get home and get started on dinner.” She didn’t look at him out of fear that he may be relieved. That maybe the thought of her meeting his friends was something he’d never want or perhaps he feared she would say something to embarrass him. She bowed yet again to Aizawa, pushing that thought down, “Thank you again for your assurances.”

Aizawa nodded and gestured for Fuyumi to follow him. She glanced quickly back at Shouto, lifting a hand in farewell before leaving her youngest brother in the hall as she followed his teacher to the front door of the dorm building. She thought that Aizawa would simply hold the door open for her and shoo her out, so she was surprised when he joined her outside and closed the door behind him, walking in step with her as they descended the stairs to the front door.

God, what if he wanted to approach the source of her injuries again?

“My apologies for my students,” He commented, “To be truthful, your brother doesn’t speak about his home life so you’re a bit of a surprise for the class.”

“I hope it doesn’t cause trouble for Shouto,” Fuyumi sighed softly.

“He’ll be alright,” Aizawa assured.

Fuyumi gripped her bag tightly and kept her gaze on the sidewalk as they walked towards the entrance of the school grounds. She figured Aizawa was walking her partly because he wanted to apologize for his students’ curiosity and partly because letting someone loose on campus was a security risk. They could create a timeline of when Fuyumi arrived through the security check, but they had to make sure she actually left.

They walked in silence, stopping at the gate and Fuyumi was starting to feel silly at this point with how many times she was thanking Aizawa, but it would be rude not to. He didn’t seem to mind as his hands were tucked into his pockets and he gave her a look that was more exhausted than anything.

“Thank you again,” She said softly, “I hope our lie doesn’t cause more work for you.”

Aizawa shrugged, “It’s probably for the best if I allow parents this opportunity,” He replied. “They may provide feedback that is valuable. Thank you for your suggestion in regards to the mental health of the students as well as providing alternative opportunities.”

Fuyumi shifted her hold on her bag, feeling sheepish that he’d actually taken her suggestion into account, “Well, I…” She looked at him quickly and looked away again, “I teach young children and I always want to make sure that they’re set up to grow into the best they can be. I had a feeling you would understand.”

Aizawa seemed honestly surprised by that, his brows raising as his head tilted just enough to indicate his interested, “You’re a teacher as well?” He asked.

“Just elementary,” Fuyumi replied with a soft laugh. “It’s a much different atmosphere than high school.”

“Debatable.”

Fuyumi couldn’t control the tiny laugh that escaped her as Aizawa kept his poker face. They bade each other farewell and Fuyumi walked through the gate, stopping to return her visitor’s badge to the security console before making her way home with the mental plan to make dinner for herself and her father, take care of preparing for class the next day, and see if she could check out any of the leads from the night before.

She knew she couldn’t scope out the exact area that the gang had told her purely because she’d overheard her father talking on the phone about the bar brawl and if they gave her that information so easily then they definitely spilled the beans for Endeavor. The area was going to be watched by heroes for a fair amount of time and it was just not a good idea to be caught anywhere near the area.

However, if the area was flooded with Heroes, then anyone in a more unsavory lifestyle was going to evacuate the premises. If she investigated just outside the radius of Hero patrol, there was a chance she could get another lead at the very least. 

She just had to get to Touya and everything would turn out fine.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #225

“i tried to write your name in the rain, but the rain never came.”

How many times a day do you check your cell to see if you have a text? Considering my dumb phone doesn't let me know I have texts half the time, I do multiple times throughout the day. Ever wonder if the person you hate will become the person you marry? HA HA YOOOOOOOOOOOO SARA AND I DID AND NOW I DEADASS WANNA MARRY HER TOMORROW How many times a day do you wash your hands? It varies. After I use the bathroom or if I'm about to touch food. You walk in on your parents smoking pot, what do you do? lol h u h How old were you when you had your first crush? Hell if I know. I do remember as a young kid though, I was very much "ew boys no thnx." Maybe like... 5th grade? When was the last time you asked God for something? A long, long time ago. Your opinion on smoking: Just don't, dude. It's money going towards gradual suicide. No one likes the smell. You sure won't like how it affects your body. It's an addiction/it's stressful to stop. I'm not gonna like, judge you if you smoke, but nevertheless, I'll tell anyone it's an awful idea. Make love or fuck? It depends on the mood. I was more into the former mood back when that even applied to me, though. Have you ever cried so much over something that later felt like nothing? Oh, I can assure you I have. The last time you were afraid of the dark was: I'm not really scared of the dark, but one time I got up semi-recently in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and after one incident, I was so, so careful and nervous to step on Bentley's tail. He lost his fucking mind on me when I did it once, of course on accident. The TV was off by this point, so I couldn't see well at all. I love having a dog that fucking scares me. How often do you say I love you to your parents and mean it? A whole lot. Your boyfriend/girlfriend say they can’t hang out & it’s been two weeks. You? I mean sure, it sucks, but if they're legitimately busy, they're busy. Have you ever wanted a wild animal for a pet? If yes what animal? I had a phase where I really wanted a fox, and now I am DEAD serious about fostering opossums at some point. When you go to sleep, do you have to have white noise or silence? SILENCE. Though I don't really get /total/ silence 'cuz I have to have my fan on. My room's always hot. Have you ever gotten in a fight with a teacher? No. Ever had a creepy dream about a teacher? No. Where were you when you had your first sleepover? Your house or a friends’? I believe I was at my then-best friend's house. I had suuuuch bad separation anxiety from my mom that I know I was older than most kids who did. What are you limits for doing stuff for money? I'd never do sexual favors or seriously hurt someone for it. Is there someone you are mean to all the time for no reason? No. I'll admit I'm typically rather short with Bentley, but Jesus, do I have reason. When you think of love what’s the first that comes to mind? Sara. How do you calm your mind and find peace when you are stressed? My best bet is going to sleep; that's pretty much, usually, my reset button. Have you ever given someone flowers? I gave Jason flowers once or twice. I gave my mom some for Mother's Day as a kid. How often do you get on Facebook? A couple times a day... mainly just to see memes lmaoooo. What day of the week is usually your busiest day? Good Lord, Tuesdays. I'm at school for 13 hours. Mostly sitting in the library waiting for classes, but. I do study a whole lot, though, and it's when I get a bunch of schoolwork done. Is there a place that you will never return back to? Idk. When was the last time that you created a PowerPoint? I'm actually working on/off one for FYS 'cuz we have to do this "Lifeline" thing where we introduce ourselves and give our stories. Guess who's not fucking ready. Do you like group work? NO. NO. Particularly if it's with people I don't know. Do you have any stickers on your laptop? No. Is music or the TV on while you complete this survey? I'm listening to Chase Holfelder's cover of "Kiss The Girl" rn. Does your grass need cut currently? No. Do you listen to Nirvana? Occasionally. What color are the doors in your house? White. Have your friends ever not wanted you to be with someone? Probably. What is your favorite use for whipped cream? I hate that stuff. What is your favorite flower? Orchids. And your favorite nut? Ew no thanks. Can you curse in a foreign language? Of course I know "fuck" and "shit" in German lmao. Are you fond of spaghetti? Hell yeah man. Have you ever played in the mud? I sure did zoom through it on my bike as a kid. Do you remember what your first real relationship felt like? That relationship ultimately led to PTSD, how could I possibly forget. Who can make you happy no matter what? Sara, Mark, and Game Grumps are particularly good at that. How tall are you? 5'4.5'' Are there any animals near you? No, I'm at school rn. Do have a lot of lists? No. Are you a godparent? No. Do you sleep too much or not enough? Eh, it depends on the day and my mood. Have you ever gone a full day without interacting with another person? Yep. How many relationships have you been in that lasted less than a year? Four. Where were you going the last time you were on a train? Never been on one before. Do you think having a bad temper is a sign of immaturity? I mean, no? It's an interesting question and I guess a "maybe," but. I feel this depends on the trigger. Have you ever been significantly more physically fit than you are now? I was a fucking yoga master babe in 9th grade, fuckin fite me. When growing up, did your parents keep the house very tidy? I guess? It wasn't dirty. How many watches do you own? Zero. Are there any ways in which you greatly differ from everyone else in your family? Political views, I guess? Or the fact I'm bi? I only know of one person in my extended family that's gay. Should teenagers be allowed to have their cell phones with them in class? No shit? Emergencies are a thing? BUT, respect the teacher, please. I cannot stand people using their phone in class, especially here in college. You're paying a shitload to learn. Spend that time as you're supposed to. Take education seriously. If your phone's on vibrate for said emergency situations, that's cool. Do you have any gay relatives? Lol oh. Yeah, Mom has a cousin. Have you ever had to have a pet put down? Yeah. Have you unfollowed, deleted, or blocked anyone on social media recently? I deleted my sister's mother-in-law in fury over her homophobia because I've seriously had it, then just a few days ago actually I went through my Facebook list deleting people I just didn't really feel connected to/didn't really care to follow their journey anymore. How many cups of coffee do you typically drink per day? Zero. Do you know what your vocal range is? It's not broad. I'd say I'm probably in a rank slightly lower than most women. What’s the biggest financial mistake you’ve ever made? I've never really been in the position to be capable of that. I've never had a source of income. If so, what sub-genres of metal do you like the best? Probably heavy. Or symphonic, though I haven't found too many artists in that sub-genre that I really enjoy. But BOY, when I do? I will BINGE that shit to the ends of the earth. Have you ever turned down someone who didn’t handle the rejection well? Ha ha oh man, I remember in 4th grade, this kid Nick was desperate to date me. It was endearing and cute, but he asked kinda obsessively. Then jfc, when I broke up with Tyler, you would've thought I was Jason and he was me, holy shit. How large is your largest scar, and what is it from? Well, I can't see it, so I actually don't know. I guess kinda long, but not wide. It's from a cyst removal surgery. Who was the last person you sincerely thanked? Omg, my Writing teacher. She really liked my writing on my essay. I was so flattered. When was the last time you went for a walk? Like, just a casual walk for the sake of walking? Not since I was at Sara's last. That was when my muscle atrophy was starting to get extremely bad though and I was very close to death omg. Have you ever been in a relationship where there was a large difference in maturity levels? I don't think so. When cooking a meal, do you clean up as you go or wait til you’re done? I don't know how to cook. Do you develop crushes easily? NO. I am soooooo romantically picky. What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed as a guest at someone’s house? A month or more with Colleen after we were evicted. That was a really good time, honestly, regardless of how we feel about each other now. I don't think anyone's done something so selfless for me, and we really did have fun. How bad was your acne when you were a teenager? I'd say it was normal for someone that age. Do you like salsa that has fruit in it? NO. Do you think stained glass windows are pretty? Hell yeah. That was my favorite thing about the church I grew up with; Catholic churches tend to truly have incredible stained glass. Are you scared of snakes? Nope, snakes are Baby. Have you had your wisdom teeth removed? No; I only have two, and I just slightly have enough room for them. Do you like hard or soft pretzels better? I strongly prefer soft. Have you ever been carded when buying something? Yes. Do you eat meat? Regretfully. Can you sleep with the light on? NOOOOOOOOOO. I have to truly be exhausted. Have you ever broken a bone? No, but I did fracture my wrist as a kid. Have you ever made ice cream in chemistry class? Bitch I wish, tf. Do you use the microwave often? Considering a bitch can't cook, yes. Microwavable meals are the reason I am alive. Have you ever painted a room? No. What’s in your copy and paste? This survey. Do you know anyone that’s painfully, socially awkward? Fuckin ME JFC. How do you usually pose in your pictures? With the left side of my face facing the camera (bc my hair kinda swoops over the right side), and I'll usually smile with my teeth or do a :D face bc at least I look happy instead of high with my squinty-ass eyes. :') Do you know anyone that absolutely freaks out if you try to take a picture of them? um????????? me?????????????? Do you pick on them for it and attempt to take loads of pictures anyway? If someone doesn't want me to take a picture of them, I absolutely don't push them 'cuz I totally get it. How’s your posture? Bad. Have you ever had to take care of a fake baby in family ed? Thank God in Heaven no. I. Would. Have. Raged. ^ were you a good mother/father? N/A What’s your favorite way to wear your hair up? My hair is too short for that. But I generally find french braid buns SO pretty. Have you ever read a ‘banned’ book? Uh, I don't think so. What does your screen name mean? Favorite animal, meerkats, + favorite artist, Ozzy Osbourne. Have you ever had to take a sobriety test? N- no wait. They were mandatory when I've gone to the ER for suicidal thoughts. Do you like movies more if they’re based on actual events? It doesn't really matter to me. What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done with your cell phone? Idk, dropped it? What’s your opinion on gold diggers? Selfish, or smart? Both? Uh, I don't think it's exactly debatable to call it selfish... I mean, you're dating for the sake of monetary gain...? What would you do if your bf/gf was hitting on someone else right in front of you? I couldn't even try to picture her doing that, but obviously I'd be uncomfortable and jealous. What’s something you’ve done that you’ve sworn you’d never do? Idk, multiple things. Which ex of yours do you talk to the most? I only talk to Girt. Can you recall the first person you ever drank/got drunk/high with? I drank with family, probably, but I've never reached the point of being drunk, and I've never been high. ^ are you still friends? I mean, I love my family. Have you ever taken someone else’s vehicle without permission? No. What were you doing the last time you were videotaped? *shrugs* Is that something you’d be comfortable uploading and sharing? I don't know what it would be. Which friend wears the same size clothes as you do? Probably none? I don't have many friends to compare to. Is there anyone’s wardrobe that you’d like to steal? UM Suzy Hanson is a B A B E? ?? ? ? ??? I adooooorrrrre her clothing line (Psychic Circle), too, and so wanna buy something. Have you ever been lost in the woods? DARLIN I've watched The Blair Witch Project 2 much for that shit. What did you last stretch the truth about? Idk. Have you ever had withdrawals from something? Caffeine, and then WoW for quite a few months after I stopped playing for like, a year or more. Is there anyone on your friend’s list you know next to nothing about? I know at least one of Mom's friends that I've only met once, and briefly. How old is 'too old’ for you to date? I wouldn't date over 30 (I absolutely stg that has nothing to do with H I S age being 30 lmaoooo). How do you feel about guys in tight jeans? Skinny jeans look good on like, anyone. Favorite hour-long show? Uhhh idk. Well, at least out of the shows I used to like and would be most interested in watching, The Good Doctor. Favorite half-hour show? Meerkat Manor. Most people who’ve slept over at your house all at once? My current house? Just one, I think. Steak or chicken? Chicken. I'm piiiiickyyyy w/ steak. Is flirting really cheating? Yes, if you're clearly not just teasing. What’s something you own that’s /only/ of sentimental value? My pebble from my partial hospitalization program. What’s your choice of chips? Girrrrrllll gimme Cool Ranch Doritos. What song would you use to torture someone? i t ' s  f r i d a y  f r i d a y What is the weirdest compliment you have ever received? Probably that my nose was cute? If someone REALLY fat was upset, and saying how FAT they were, what would you say? First off, NOT say "you're not fat omg ur beautiful." I'M overweight and don't like when people say that. I'm perfectly aware that you're lying "for my own sake," which is sweet, but it's not helpful. Motivate me/the person to improve without being an asshole. Let them know I believe in them, which I do for ANYONE. If I could lose 60-70 pounds in a year, anyone can. What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard a kid say? So when I was very little and my mom gave me orange juice, I freaked out because it had pulp in it. And what did I say? "I CAN'T DRINK THAT IT HAS NIPPLES IN IT" look idk don't ask but boy does Mom love sharing that story. A random stranger walks up to you and says 'you’re hot’. You say: Most likely "go away." Possibly "thank you, but please go away." Actually yeah, that's more likely. Like it's flattering to know someone finds you attractive, but yeah, that's just uncomfortable for some stranger to do that. I also wouldn't want to really piss the person off. Do you send messages on Facebook a lot? Definitely not. Almost the only person ever would be Girt. Have you ever gone to a strip club? No. Not my kinda scene. Like I absolutely will not think less of someone who does this, but I just don't like but moreso feel bad for men or women who reduce themselves to their sexual capabilities. Do you like Chinese food over pizza? Hell nah man. Pizza is supreme. What color is your watch? I'm not wearing one. I never do. Do you believe in love at first sight? Absolutely not. Visual attraction, of course that's real, but I promise you dear, you don't love someone upon looking at them. When you eat Frosted Flakes, do you add sugar in it? I hate that stuff. Who’s the biggest hugger you know? Ashley's father-in-law's mom. ... At least I think that's what she is? Do you want to change your name? Nah, it's fine. Have you ever tried to erase someone from your memory? Of course I have.

[meditativeyoga]

Talking Sex with Kids: Useful Tips from a Tantric Perspective

Jamie Shane, Tantric yoga exercise educator based in Naples, Florida, desires her young daughter to have great sex.

When she's old enough, of course.

The trouble is, Shane said, parents spend way too much time speaking about the "do n'ts." Do not get pregnant. Do not get a STD. And also don't unless you love a person.

" When we mount these discussions in the 'don't viewpoint,' we're developing fear as well as an enticement to experiment in our youngsters," Shane said.

" After that we shed our power as moms and dads," she said.

Instead, Shane suggests, have the discussion from a supportive, intelligent and informing perspective.

" I understand my child is eventually going to have sex, and I want her to do it well, healthfully and adoringly," Shane said.

But exactly how do you speak about it? Right here's a frank Q&A with Jamie Shane:

Q. When is the right age to have 'The Sex Conversation'?

JS:The ages of one through five are for gathering the love and info. It's when youngsters are sponges and also, vigorously, developing their detects of protection as well as self-respect.

Between the ages of six and 7, parents will start to see the assertion of a personality. Kids and their habits are beginning to declare, "This is who I am."

You'll see that youngsters are not mirroring their moms and dads' characters but taking the information you have actually been showing them and also using it as they see fit.

Age nine. Yes, 9. It is just before your youngsters' sex-related growth while they are beginning to pay interest to sexualized photos in the media environment. It's everywhere, and also it's packed with blended messages.

Sex is represented as both poor and also wonderful at the very same time. It's important for parents to be parents on this one.

Q. Suppose a kid asks regarding where infants originate from earlier than that age?

JS:Mommy's body was the garden, and Dad's was the seed. It's an excellent enough answer for now.

Q. So, my kid is nine. Currently what?

JS:First, choose an area that is media cost-free. It should feel acquainted, comfortable as well as safe. In such moments, I grab my little girl's hands, and also that is her signal to tune in. A crucial discussion will happen.

Q. What do I say?

JS:Tell your child why you are having the conversation. "I'm mosting likely to speak with you about this due to the fact that I want your sexuality to be healthy."

Begin with the physical act of creating life. Talk about penises, vaginas, eggs, the whole physicality of the act including the enjoyment experiences. Yet, follow up with how the act is not really a physical one. It's an emotional one.

From a Tantric perspective, it is essential that children understand there is power in the act beyond the act itself. Children should recognize there is an energy exchange, and, throughout sex, you produce area for that individual in your field. You are distributing love as well as power unconsciously. It is a sacred as well as intimate space.

Girls, in particular, should recognize how much they tackle and carry around with them after a sex-related experience. The act of sex (that consists of strike works) is hardly momentary, and also an additional individual's power sticks around with you. Youngsters should know that.

Q. Is the discussion various for boys as well as girls?

JS:Absolutely, since the unfavorable stereotypes for kids have to be eliminated. Young boys are educated to just stick it someplace, yet they need to understand that sex makes them simply as at risk as ladies. The socializing is for guys to compartmentalize as well as for ladies to select. This conversation could finish that.

Given how young boys are motivated to consider sex, your conversation has to be concerning respecting women and also the spiritual responsibility to honor any individual they are with. Truthfully, it is less complicated for women to connect to the spiritual because they are extra emotional.

You also need to talk regarding evaluating prospective companions. If your kid is clear on the factor that sex equates to love, your child has to be gotten ready for the opportunity that somebody else isn't really on the very same page.

Q. What happens if I figure out that my kid is starting a relationship?

JS:As quickly as I hear my youngster speaking regarding one more youngster with an uncommon strength and feeling, I'll directly ask her concerning her sensations. It is very important to steer clear of from afraid judgments.

I'll claim, "I observed you two appear close."

So, like I keep an eye on schoolwork, I'll maintain an eye on the connection. And also I won't be terrified to ask if any nudity has actually obtained down.

Q. When is a proper age for children to begin exploration?

JS:We don't prefer to think so, yet that is eventually approximately the kid. Yet parents need to be prepared for some polarity play in the lives of their children by age 14. It remains in line with their biology, and the start of senior high school tends to be an all-natural breakaway factor from moms and dads to peers.

Q. Suppose I suspect that my kid is already having sex?

JS:Hopefully, you have actually had the age nine conversation. It's time for the follow-up.

I would say this: "It appears like the two of you have ended up being close, as well as your relationship is coming to be sexual. I trust you to honor on your own and to honor your body. I'm trusting you that you could say no. I'm trusting you that you can claim yes when you prepare. I'm going to trust every little thing we have actually learned together."

And then I'll let my youngster continue her relationship with the world that's a healthy and balanced as well as loving one.

Tantra is recognizing just how polarity plays with each other to find source unity. It is using our opposite to find a merging, or a sense of integrity, with ourselves via the other. Tantra exists past sexuality as a technique of producing deep connectedness with all creation.

What's essential is that I stay a friendly authority while offering her duty for her very own choices. I'll opt for her to acquire condoms, and also I'll support her while she pays for them with her own money. I have to be confident that she can head out worldwide and also handle herself. When the shit strikes the follower, I'll be there.

Granted the sex conversation is an awkward one, but it isn't really the just one where Tantra remains in play. Throughout my child's young life, I have actually instructed her that there is less separation between her and the globe than she understands as well as exactly how important it is to deal with all individuals with love and respect. We are cautious of classifying people as "others." This affects more conversations than the sex one.

To discover more about Jamie Shane, visit www.JamieShane.com.

Nancy B. Loughlin is based in SW Florida. As an author, she discovers yoga exercise, reflection, green living, sustainability and all things funky. As a qualified yoga educator, her method is committed to functioning with incarcerated youngsters and also assisting people recover from trauma as well as PTSD. She's constantly thinking about using yogic assuming to wild life experiences consisting of marathons, hill climbing, and sky diving. See her internet site www.NamasteNancy.com or Twitter @NancyLoughlin.

[a-millenials-guide-to-growi-blog]

April 8th

Although most of my PTSD is due to the fact my self worth and feelings were completely abolished before I turned twelve. When I turned twelve everything turned for bad to worse. I was so convinced that I was the problem and I needed to do better. I needed to to everything they wanted me to do in order for us to have a happy family. In seventh grade I turned thirteen. Everything started between twelve and thirteen. That's when everything hit a turning point. The people who did this to me were people I thought were family, people I trusted, I wanted to make the only people I had left in my life happy. If they were happy then I could have a chance of finding happiness. I don't remember the day it started. But I guess it started when Jay wanted me to kiss him on lips. I never kissed anyone in my family on the lips. I didn't like the idea of it. When he first brought it up he said the reason I wouldn't do it was because I didn't love him. I told him he was right, I didn't. Kissing someone on the lips is something that should be done between husband and wife, significant others. Not parents and children. Once again I ended up in front of the mirror. My mother told me to get over it. That I needed to understand him, that I needed to try because I'm reason this family was falling apart. She said Jay grew up in a different time, a time where children apparently kissed their parents on the lips. I said that was fine he just didn't need to try to be forcing those views upon me. I thought it was disgusting. She said that's what it means to be a family, we all have to make compromises. It was honestly degrading. If it was too short I was back in the mirror, if I didn't act like I enjoyed it I was back in the mirror, if I didn't do often enough I was back in the mirror. This happened until a kiss no longer held any value in my mind. It was taken from me. Over and over again. For the greater good of the family. It's the only one I ever had, the only one I will have. That's what they said. I was homeschooled. I didn't know any better. I didn't know any better, I thought that's how it was supposed to be I thought I was doing the right thing. The day before I got my period I ended up in the mirror three times. You'd think I'd go numb to that pain. It haunts me still. I couldn't go to bed, I remember being so exhausted from all the tears. When he finally let me go I woke up to pain and blood about 2 am. I went to go tell my mom with my eyes still swollen but I wasn't allowed to talk to her. I made her miserable, she cried all night and it was my fault. He kept pushing me back away from her door. I told him I did don't want to talk to him about what happened it was a personal thing and I wanted my mom and he told me anything I could say to her he deserved to hear it just as much. He started yelling at me again and I was in so pain and all I wanted was my mom. When I could finally build up the strength to tell him I started my period he was so happy. Too happy. I felt like I was just a toy he play with. He gave me a hug and was so happy that we would finally begin the journey into adulthood together. I didn't want him in that journey. He said now we could finally start having fun together. I didn't know what that meant then but it made me feel dirty. Unclean. My mom gave me pads and smiled and went back to bed. Jay made me ice cream I didn't eat. Mind you during all of this I wasn't alllowed to call him Jay, or father, or dad (I apparently wasn't old enough for that), it had to be daddy. Now that I'm older I know what sexually fantasies he played with him his mind. He hated girls with short hair and I cut all of mine off. I could protect myself using the little things, but I couldn't protect myself from the big things. I remember not understanding what I was doing. All I knew then was it made Jay happy. He was always so excited when I did it. So I did it every morning. It was the first thing I did when I woke up. It's what he wanted, it's what he asked for. Every morning I would go incognito on google so mom couldn't find out what he was doing. He had a subscription to a porn site and every morning is scroll through and watch videos until I found one to suit his taste. At first he'd sit there with making sure I'd pick the ones he like, making it clear to me the kind of kinks he was into. We'd watch them together until I knew what he was looking for. While we watched them he'd touch me softly. Much softer than he'd ever touch me and I felt uncomfortable. Maybe that's why I tried to make sure I was up before him to have a video he liked ready, so I wouldn't have to sit with him and watch. Let me tell you about the smile he had on his face when he'd find me scrolling through the videos if he woke up too early. He started whispering in my ear when something caught my eye, if I flinched I'd end up in the mirror again, if I backed away I'd end up in the mirror again... I wasn't allowed to tell me mom. I'd try to get her to look through the browser history, I stopped using incognito, but it turns out he'd delete the history. Now I'm just inventing things in my head to destroy the family. Why can't I just be happy with what I had. I was miserable. Every morning I found him porn. Then I'd try to do schoolwork before Jason woke up, I'd feed him, change his diapers. Play with him, and do more schoolwork while the tv occupied him. I think that's why Jason played with himself so much as a baby. The tv was right next to jays laptop. I think my brother would watch that instead. I think he would watch Jay touch himself, he loved to touch himself while I was there. He'd stop watching and ask me what my problem was if I went into the room and if I said the wrong thing... you guessed it, back in the mirror. My life continued like that. Constantly being told I wasn't good enough, it was my fault, I'm trying to manipulate my mom, Jay, the family into getting out of responsibility. As time went on I did become curious about sex. I touched myself with my door locked and when Jay made his nightly check ins he'd be sure to wake me up screaming about how I'm doing drugs in my room in the middle of the night to get me to open the door. He caught me once and asked to join me and I said I was tired. His nightly check ins turned into 4 times a night check ins. Sometimes I'd wake up and he'd be watching me. Sometimes I'd wake up and he'd be lying on my bed breathing in my ear. I'd pretend to be asleep, not to notice. I may not have understood much then, but I knew what he wanted and I was scared of that. So extremely scared. With ever trip to the mirror he started getting my brother involved telling me he was the only reason he'd bother to stay with us because being a single mom of one is much different from being a single mother of two. Did I really want my mom to have to take care of both of us alone? He'd tell my brother how bad I was, how I'm not acting like a good girl, (I could taste the next words even though they were never said allowed) I needed to be punished. He wanted to punish me. I could see the lust in his eyes. To my mom and Jay, Jason was perfect. Everything they always wanted. A boy to carry on the family name. Jays name. He was everything I wasn't. I got jealous, I turned my pain, my fear, my resentment towards Jay and I channeled it all into someone smaller than me, someone who didn't understand what was going on, someone who didn't know why calling me a "bad girl" made may smile and me cringe. I channeled my hate for a man who was putting me through psychological hell onto my little brother. I'd push him, I'd hurt him, I remember wanted to break his arms sometimes. He was the only thing I every wanted in life and he was the by product of my abuser. I hated him. I hated my little brother. And I hated myself for feeling that way. I hated myself for hating him. But every time I saw my little brother all I saw was jays face, another man to carry on his psychotic lineage. I would say terrible things to my little brother before he was even two years old. He was just a baby, he didn't know better. All my parents saw was a jealous older sister who wasn't getting her way and was upset her brother was getting more attention from everyone. I tried to get really involved at church, it was my only escape from home. I needed to escape sometimes. All the time. But I couldn't go all the time. But I'd go as often as I could. Mom thought the new interest in church was wonderful and was happy she could be apart of it. I tried telling her what was happening but she said that's just how your dad is. By eighth grade I was drowning. Mom was offered the job at church and I would get to go spend my days there and do my schoolwork and not be stuck at home with him. It gave me enough time to do all of my eighth grade work in one semester. Well a quarter really, after that they gave me AP 8th and 9th grade work. I figured if I could keep it up I could be out of the house and away from all of it. But I didn't know how long pretending I was sleeping would last at night. I didn't know how much longer I could ignore him. I convinced them to let me spend my second semester at malc. It was hard. I made a lot of trips to the mirror and it's a good thing I can be stubborn sometimes. I knew he was getting inside my head. I knew if I stayed in homeschool that eventually he would have sex with me. And that was a horrifying thought. First Period: Earth Science Second Period: Algebra 1 Third Period: Freshman Skills Lunch Fourth Period: English Fifth Period: Credit Recovery Sixth Period: Forensics I remember my schedule for freshman year better than I know the back of my hand. I couldn't tell you why that's important, but I guess trauma victims tend to focus of one thing and repeat it over and over again. I did. At home it's how I grounded myself. Science, math, skills, English, catch up, fun. I repeated my daily Schindler over and over again. I remember doing it. Writing it down, saying it aloud. Repeating it until I knew it was constant and unchanging. I started my freshman year at malc during second semester. All the church kids went there. It was a good school in my mother mind. Jay was pissed that I wanted to ruin a good thing. He told mom homeschool was a good thing for me, I didn't need other kids polluting my mind with drugs and sex and relationships. To me I know he just wanted to keep me locked away inside the house suffering through his sexual desires. But sure enough the first girl I met pulls my aside my first day of rosy hour to ask me if her bag smells like weed. I remember thinking it had a vaguely familiar smell, but I didn't know what week smelled like and told her no one would notice. No one did. But still. I was in high school now I need to learn these things. Her name was Hannah. We had the first three class periods together. In second hour I met a super bubbly girl with fire red hair named Heather. I liked her, she was friend material. Third hot was taught by my youth group leader and it was so weird to start calling him by his last name at school. Me and Hannah sat three rows back on the left side of the classroom. I remember noticing a girl who sat in the back right of the class. She said her name was Thalia. I could see her darkness, brewing. Like it was actually there. A black cloud surrounding her and infecting. The rest of the kids who sat near her. I remember thinking her cloud was a dark gray color almost black but not quite because mine was black. She was only person I saw with that dark cloud and I knew we'd have similar stories. We could be friends. I wanted to be friend. A boy who sat in the front of the class that same hour kept turning back to look at me, Hannah said on day one he had a crush on my. His name was Sam. Sam and Thalia were best friends, I never found out why they didn't sit next to each other. I knew this post would be really long and I'm asking you if your reading this to hold out a little longer I'm just just trying to set the scene for coping technique I learned in this very classroom. But I also want to set the stage for future event as well so please if you're reading this think of it as a time to breath before it gets bad again. Fourth hour was English with Mrs. Sharp. Originally I had her for fifth hour Honors but she literally laughed me out of the classroom and made me change to regular English. - not note worthy but I never got along with English teachers. Not even as a kid. In fifth hour the teacher took a rather kind liking to me, but he was very harsh to other students, most hated him. He was always nice to me. Even when I did something wrong. His name was Mr. Carlson. I don't know what he saw in me then, but whatever it was he was the second nicest teach I had other than Mr. Crane my first hour teacher for earth science who most people didn't like either. I always got along with teachers most disagreed with. Their jobs were to help you and most people didn't want their help and showed that in very rude ways the teachers didn't deserve. Sixth hour I met Lane and Art for the first time too. They were both sophomores and Art was out going and Lane was shy but once you got to know them Art was the shy one and Lane was the outgoing one. I thought Lane was cute, but I knew what I needed and will always need more than a relationship is a friendship. Which is why Art kinda scared me away from day one. That's exactly what he wanted. I know it's cliche but I really just wanted to be friends. I didn't want a relationship at all freshman year, that definitely was not on my "reasons for going to public school" list. But having a crush you know nothing will ever happen with was okay, Liking Lane was okay. That was my first day. Home wasn't as nice, I ended up in the mirror almost every day for the first month. As Sam tried to flirt with me, and Art would walk me to my classes, I kept trying to talk to Thalia but I could never muster the courage to talk to her. Heather and I would talk all math class, I learned she was dating a guy named Patrick. Finally one day me and Thalia both stood outside waiting for our rides to come. We talked. I knew she was hurt very badly. I knew she would be beautiful if she could only smile. Just like my mom. I wanted to make Thalia smile. In fact I devoted every waking breath to making that girl smile. I started hanging out with her and sam and Harley after school until our parents came. Sam had it bad for me, but I kinda liked Harley too. (Give a girl a break I haven't had other human contact other than my family and church in the past two years). Oh my god I just realized it's 2 am I started writing this at 11!! Last time I checked it was only midnight! The four of us would talk about home. They all had these weird lines on their arms I remember from my babysitter all those years back. Cutting scars. Self harm. I didn't understand why they did it, but the more they talked about their families the more I understood. It's how they coped with the reality of their situation. Everything in else in their life they had no control over, but they could control what they did to their body. They did not inspire me to cut myself. It was one day I showed up to school after a morning session with the mirror and nightlong session that lasted until 3 am when I sat in freshman skills fighting the urge to fall asleep during Hartman's presentation. We were covering destructive teenage behaviors, drugs, eating disorders, self harm. When we got the the slides about self harm I jumped awake. Sam and Thalia had this class with me, I wanted to know exactly what Juan said so I could help them manage his words on the subject. He said something terrible about people who cut, I forgot exactly what he said but my eyes shot instantly to Thalia, she didn't deserve to have someone say something like that about her, her ears shot up and instantly Juan began correcting his mistake and I wanted to hear how he could fix what he just said. "Now don't get me wrong, I understand why people cut. I used to do it too. I know what it does. It gives you a quick temporary solution to ease the pain of a long standing problem that won't go away with just the swipe of a blade." "A quick temporary solution to ease the pain?" Like.... like.... is it universal does it work with all problems? Like... can it... can make me stop crying long enough to have a decent conversation with a man who won't stop yelling at me until I stop crying? Can it do that? Can it make me stop crying so I can actually talk, explain myself, and continue doing what I'm told? I just need to figure out how to stop crying. I'm sleep deprived. My head hurts and every morning my eyes are swollen. Will cutting fix it? I decided to try it. Just once. Just to test out the theory brewing in my head. A few days later when he began yelling and the tears wouldn't stop and we were on our way to the bathroom I broke free and locked myself inside, he banged and banged and banged against the door. I was scared just running in here and locking him out would cause him to be 100 times worse then normal. But the tears wouldn't stop and I needed to test out the theory. I pulled down my pants to get a clear visual on my thigh. "This is just a test" I remember saying as I took a safety pin and slowly began to slide it across my skin. Nothing. Again. Nothing. Again. Nothing. It hurt, but I still pushed harder. As the skin began tearing away swipe after swipe and the line of fire grew a shade of pink I noticed this line I was making was quite similar to another line higher up on my thigh. The memory hit me like a rock. My mother made me feel like this before. Back in third grade, when I had that babysitter. I remember her finding the butter knife first and asking me why it was in the bathroom and I played it off like I had no idea, like I was a kid who just misplaced things with their short term memory. It made me cry. I did everything for my mother and I remember that she drove me to this point once before, when I was 8. Who does that to their child? The banging and screaming on the door got louder, I didn't have much more time so I pushed the memory aside and continued digging the safety pin into my skin over and over again, the more I did it the more it hurt, the pain hurt. But then I realized I wasn't crying anymore. The physical pain distracted me from mental pain. I kept going, it wasn't enough. The theory wouldn't be true until I saw... Blood. Little drops as they lightly popped from the wound and I kept going using the blood to guide me lines to make a deeper incision. One that I know I'd remember. I wasn't suffering anymore instead I was fascinated by the color of my own blood manifesting from a small incision. The color contrasted so nicely to my skin. This color of red is my new favorite color. It made the tears stop, I could finally breath again. For a moment it felt like I wasn't there anymore, I heard nothing but silence. It was so calm, so relaxing, so tranquil, I leaned my head back against the wall and soon I could hear his banging again. I realized he was there the entire time it's just the endorphins that we set off numbed all the pain away. I didn't know how long this feeling of relief would last so I jumped up, pulled up my pants and opened the door. It was like I could actually talk in a non agitative state. Like I could see things clearly while he yelled at me for the first time. I finally understood the poem "I know why the caged bird sings." I finally understood why my friends cut. What's a few scars in exchange for a few more hours of sleep? I went to bed at 8:30 that night. That's the earliest I've been to sleep on a night I had to go to the mirror. This time I wasn't held up by my hair but instead sitting on the floor staring at the bathtub instead of my tear stained face. It was so much nicer. I knew when I finally laid my head down on my pillow that I would do it again next time. My theory was right. It worked. It really was a quick temporary solution that helped me get a clear head to work through the problem. I know now that those trips to the mirror and fights with Jay were only a small problem, he was the long lasting issue that needed to be dealt with....