#How long does it take for IUI to get pregnant

[pameladtan]

"Hope and Healing: The Power of IVF and IUI in Fertility Treatment" - "Hope and Healing: The Power of IVF and IUI in Fertility Treatment" by pamela dtan Via Flickr: Discover Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) - Pregnancy Timeline, Success Odds, Challenges, and IUI vs. IVF Comparison. Maximize Fertility

[clarafordahwin]

about Greta, you think one of the twins was her doctor? i thought it was a coincidence but it would make her as even more batshit cray than going through all that Abnormal she must have seen + housecaring role she did for (presumably) years just for the arts hahaha how old are these characters in canon? I thought early 40s, max mid40s for Bev to be pregnant via IUI, so Greta has to be even younger

So, in the original script, Greta said "he" and the actress asked them to change it to she to introduce that ambiguity. So it's still purposefully ambiguous, and in the original conception of the story, it was purposefully unrelated.

So what does that mean if we assume that it wasn't a Mantel twin in the delivery room? "He found himself looking for that doctor any time he was in a crowd. He couldn't tell you why."

I view the art exhibit as less of a direct condemnation on the Mantel twins or the medical system at large, and more as an extreme expression of grief. It is kind of nonsensical! What do Elliot's used tampons mean to Greta? Why look for the doctor in a crowd?

It's a desperate attempt at connection to that vital moment. Doctors who are there at one of the most monumental moments in someone's life—possibly up to their death—and who really are they? You don't really know them. What if you did? How much could you know them? Would it reveal anything to you? Explain your own mother's death? What does it mean to see their mother?

That's my interpretation. It's a performance art piece! She's an artist! She's taking her father's grief she grew up alongside and finding the most extreme way to bring it into the material world!

--

I feel less strongly about this, but it is interesting that she's taking care of them in this dynamic. Her efficiency and thoroughness makes her go above and beyond. Maybe this is just to keep her job long enough to get what she wants from it, but maybe there is something deeper to it. A desire to care to the physical needs of people making medical strides in the thing that killed her mom. But idk, like I said, I feel less convinced about that one :/

[informationbyharshita]

Can You Get Pregnant With One Follicle?: Complete Guide

Role of ovarian follicles

Normally, the ovaries in humans make one important follicle that leads to one egg being released during each monthly cycle. In this process, this special follicle has to go through all the necessary stages on time.

Folliculogenesis is the process of ovarian follicle formation & and maturation. The stages of follicular development are from the

Primary follicle

Secondary follicle

Tertiary follicle

To the Graafian follicle which is the final stage of maturation for the eggs.

Ovulation is the process in which a mature egg is released from the ovary. After it is released, the egg moves down the fallopian tube and stays there for 12 to 24 hours, where it meets the sperm & and undergoes fertilization.

Prior to ovulation, the average diameter of the dominant follicle varies between 17 to 24 mm (range 17-36 mm). 

Ovulation is a physiologic process defined by the rupture and release of the dominant follicle from the ovary into the fallopian tube where it has the potential to be fertilized. A dominant ovarian follicle refers to the follicle that enlarges to release an ovum during a menstrual cycle. Usually, approximately 10 Graafian follicles begin to mature where one becomes a dominant follicle and the rest degenerate.

As the dominant follicle matures, so does the egg inside that will eventually be released when you ovulate. The dominant follicle releases more estrogen which thickens the uterine lining so that a fertilized egg (embryo) can implant.

Ovarian follicles are small sacs in the ovaries that contain immature eggs. Monitoring them helps gauge how many eggs an individual may have in reserve. This can indicate the chances of success with fertility treatment.

Can you get pregnant with only one mature follicle?

In case you’re trying to have a baby naturally, you can get pregnant as long as your body is still capable of releasing a mature egg from the follicle, which can then meet with sperm in the fallopian tube.

Single follicle pregnancies are not an exception but rather the norm for women undergoing natural, non-assisted reproductive cycles, it takes just one egg to get pregnant.

If you’re using intrauterine insemination –IUI & and are less than 40 years old, having one or two mature follicles is preferred. Having more than that may not increase your chances of getting pregnant.

The age of the woman plays a very important role in determining the success of IUI. Under the age of 35, the chances of success of intrauterine insemination is around 20%. Above the age of 35 but under 40, the chances decrease to 10%. After that, the chances of getting pregnant reduce to 2-5%.

Read more: 6 Symptoms Of IUI Pregnancy

Ovulation is the monthly process whereby the female reproductive system produces a mature egg. During ovulation, the brain’s pituitary gland releases two hormones: follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) and luteinizing hormone (LH). Together, these hormones are known as gonadotropins.

Any number of conditions can hamper the body’s ability to ovulate effectively. One of the primary ways to address this challenge is with medications that stimulate the ovarian follicles to produce multiple eggs in one cycle. The two most common fertility medications used to promote ovulation include Clomiphene Citrate (Clomid or Serophene) and Gonadotrophins.

Apart from the number of follicles, it’s also important to assess follicle size, as this is an indication of the maturity of the egg in the follicle. In a fertility cycle, the ideal size is between 18 and 22 millimeters in diameter.

Read more: IVF Success Rate By Age | What Impacts Your IVF Success?

Development stages of ovarian follicles

Folliculogenesis is the developmental process of ovarian follicles starting from a reserve of quiescent primordial follicles set up in early life and ending with either ovulation or follicular death by degeneration. 

The different stages of ovarian follicles are:

Primordial follicle: They are the first class of follicles formed in mammalian ovaries and consist of an oocyte surrounded by a single layer of flattened granulosa cells. These follicles remain in a dormant state until they receive signals for activation or are relieved of a negative regulatory factor.

Primary follicle: It is defined by the presence of one or more cuboidal granulosa cells that are arranged in a single layer surrounding the oocyte

Secondary follicle: The secondary follicles look very similar to primary follicles, except that they are larger, there are more follicular cells, and there are small accumulations of fluid in the intracellular spaces called follicular fluid (nutritive fluid for the oocyte). These gradually join together to form an antral follicle.

Antral follicle: They are small follicles (about 2-9 mm in diameter) that we can see – and measure and count – with ultrasound. Antral follicles are also referred to as resting follicles. Vaginal ultrasound is the best way to accurately assess and count these small structures.

Follicle & Fertility

Ovarian follicles are small sacs filled with fluid that are found inside a woman’s ovaries. They secrete hormones which influence stages of the menstrual cycle and women begin puberty with about 300,000 to 400,000 of them. Each has the potential to release an egg for fertilisation. Follicles and their size and status are a vital part of assessing fertility and fertility treatment.

An evaluation of follicles involves a pelvic ultrasound scan of uterus and ovaries as well as blood test for Anti-Mullerian Hormone (AMH). The pelvic ultrasound scan will assess the size and number of follicles present on the ovaries called an Antral Follicle Count.  The results of this scan as well as blood test will allow a fertility specialist to assess fertility and therefore your ability to conceive.

[informativekiara]

Can You Get Pregnant With One Follicle?: Complete Guide

Role of ovarian follicles

Normally, the ovaries in humans make one important follicle that leads to one egg being released during each monthly cycle. In this process, this special follicle has to go through all the necessary stages on time.

Folliculogenesis is the process of ovarian follicle formation & and maturation. The stages of follicular development are from the

Primary follicle

Secondary follicle

Tertiary follicle

To the Graafian follicle which is the final stage of maturation for the eggs.

Ovulation is the process in which a mature egg is released from the ovary. After it is released, the egg moves down the fallopian tube and stays there for 12 to 24 hours, where it meets the sperm & and undergoes fertilization.

Prior to ovulation, the average diameter of the dominant follicle varies between 17 to 24 mm (range 17-36 mm). 

Ovulation is a physiologic process defined by the rupture and release of the dominant follicle from the ovary into the fallopian tube where it has the potential to be fertilized. A dominant ovarian follicle refers to the follicle that enlarges to release an ovum during a menstrual cycle. Usually, approximately 10 Graafian follicles begin to mature where one becomes a dominant follicle and the rest degenerate.

As the dominant follicle matures, so does the egg inside that will eventually be released when you ovulate. The dominant follicle releases more estrogen which thickens the uterine lining so that a fertilized egg (embryo) can implant.

Ovarian follicles are small sacs in the ovaries that contain immature eggs. Monitoring them helps gauge how many eggs an individual may have in reserve. This can indicate the chances of success with fertility treatment.

Can you get pregnant with only one mature follicle?

In case you’re trying to have a baby naturally, you can get pregnant as long as your body is still capable of releasing a mature egg from the follicle, which can then meet with sperm in the fallopian tube.

Single follicle pregnancies are not an exception but rather the norm for women undergoing natural, non-assisted reproductive cycles, it takes just one egg to get pregnant.

If you’re using intrauterine insemination –IUI & and are less than 40 years old, having one or two mature follicles is preferred. Having more than that may not increase your chances of getting pregnant.

The age of the woman plays a very important role in determining the success of IUI. Under the age of 35, the chances of success of intrauterine insemination is around 20%. Above the age of 35 but under 40, the chances decrease to 10%. After that, the chances of getting pregnant reduce to 2-5%.

Read more: 6 Symptoms Of IUI Pregnancy

Ovulation is the monthly process whereby the female reproductive system produces a mature egg. During ovulation, the brain’s pituitary gland releases two hormones: follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) and luteinizing hormone (LH). Together, these hormones are known as gonadotropins.

Any number of conditions can hamper the body’s ability to ovulate effectively. One of the primary ways to address this challenge is with medications that stimulate the ovarian follicles to produce multiple eggs in one cycle. The two most common fertility medications used to promote ovulation include Clomiphene Citrate (Clomid or Serophene) and Gonadotrophins.

Apart from the number of follicles, it’s also important to assess follicle size, as this is an indication of the maturity of the egg in the follicle. In a fertility cycle, the ideal size is between 18 and 22 millimeters in diameter.

Read more: IVF Success Rate By Age | What Impacts Your IVF Success?

Development stages of ovarian follicles

Folliculogenesis is the developmental process of ovarian follicles starting from a reserve of quiescent primordial follicles set up in early life and ending with either ovulation or follicular death by degeneration. 

The different stages of ovarian follicles are:

Primordial follicle: They are the first class of follicles formed in mammalian ovaries and consist of an oocyte surrounded by a single layer of flattened granulosa cells. These follicles remain in a dormant state until they receive signals for activation or are relieved of a negative regulatory factor.

Primary follicle: It is defined by the presence of one or more cuboidal granulosa cells that are arranged in a single layer surrounding the oocyte

Secondary follicle: The secondary follicles look very similar to primary follicles, except that they are larger, there are more follicular cells, and there are small accumulations of fluid in the intracellular spaces called follicular fluid (nutritive fluid for the oocyte). These gradually join together to form an antral follicle.

Antral follicle: They are small follicles (about 2-9 mm in diameter) that we can see – and measure and count – with ultrasound. Antral follicles are also referred to as resting follicles. Vaginal ultrasound is the best way to accurately assess and count these small structures.

Follicle & Fertility

Ovarian follicles are small sacs filled with fluid that are found inside a woman’s ovaries. They secrete hormones which influence stages of the menstrual cycle and women begin puberty with about 300,000 to 400,000 of them. Each has the potential to release an egg for fertilisation. Follicles and their size and status are a vital part of assessing fertility and fertility treatment.

An evaluation of follicles involves a pelvic ultrasound scan of uterus and ovaries as well as blood test for Anti-Mullerian Hormone (AMH). The pelvic ultrasound scan will assess the size and number of follicles present on the ovaries called an Antral Follicle Count.  The results of this scan as well as blood test will allow a fertility specialist to assess fertility and therefore your ability to conceive.

[mothertobefertilityclinic]

Best PCOS Treatment in Hyderabad | Madhapur - Mothertobe

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) is a prevalent hormonal disorder affecting millions of women worldwide. It can lead to a variety of challenges, including irregular menstrual cycles, weight gain, acne, and fertility issues. At MotherToBe Fertility Clinic, we take pride in offering the Best PCOS Treatment in Hyderabad, combining advanced medical expertise with a compassionate approach.

Why Choose MotherToBe for PCOS Treatment?

Located in Madhapur, MotherToBe is often regarded as the best PCOS clinic near me by women seeking reliable and effective care. Here’s what makes us stand out:

Specialized Care: Our experienced team of doctors, led by the Best PCOS Specialists in Hyderabad, ensures that every patient receives a personalized treatment plan.

Comprehensive Diagnosis: We use cutting-edge diagnostic tools to understand the root cause of your PCOS symptoms, ensuring accurate and effective treatment.

Holistic Approach: At MotherToBe, we believe in treating the condition holistically. Alongside medical interventions, we emphasize lifestyle modifications for long-term health benefits.

Integrated Services: From PCOS management to fertility treatments like IUI and IVF, we offer a complete range of reproductive health solutions.

Treatment Options for PCOS at MotherToBe

At MotherToBe, our approach to managing PCOS includes:

Lifestyle Modifications

Tailored diet and exercise plans to improve insulin sensitivity and aid weight management.

Stress management techniques to reduce hormonal imbalances.

Medications

Hormonal therapies to regulate menstrual cycles and manage symptoms like acne and excessive hair growth.

Insulin-sensitizing agents to address insulin resistance.

Fertility Treatments

Ovulation induction therapies for women trying to conceive.

Advanced assisted reproductive technologies such as IUI and IVF for complex fertility challenges.

Surgical Options

Laparoscopic ovarian drilling (LOD) in rare cases where other treatments are ineffective.

Why Early Treatment Matters

PCOS is a condition that can have long-term health implications if left untreated, including:

Increased risk of type 2 diabetes and heart disease.

Persistent infertility challenges.

Mental health concerns like anxiety and depression.

By seeking the Best PCOS Treatment in Hyderabad at MotherToBe, you can effectively manage your symptoms and minimize future complications.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Is PCOS curable? PCOS cannot be cured entirely, but it can be successfully managed through tailored treatment and lifestyle changes.

2. Can PCOS patients get pregnant naturally? Yes, many women with PCOS conceive naturally or with the help of fertility treatments. At MotherToBe, we provide comprehensive care to help you achieve your parenthood goals.

3. How long does PCOS treatment take? The duration of treatment varies depending on the severity of symptoms and individual health conditions. Regular follow-ups ensure optimal outcomes.

Visit MotherToBe – The Best PCOS Clinic Near You

Conveniently located in Madhapur, MotherToBe Fertility Clinic is a trusted name for women seeking the Best PCOS Treatment in Hyderabad. Our dedicated team is committed to helping you lead a healthier, happier life.

Don’t let PCOS affect your quality of life. Schedule a consultation today and experience the best care tailored to your needs.

MotherToBe – Your Partner in Reproductive Health!

[mohakivf]

Questions to Ask Your Fertility Doctor Before Starting IVF

Q1. What is IVF? 

In vitro fertilization, commonly known as IVF, is a type of assisted reproductive technology used to help couples struggling with infertility. It involves the process of extracting eggs from a woman’s ovaries and combining them with sperm in a laboratory dish. The resulting embryo is then transferred into the woman’s uterus where it can hopefully implant and develop into a healthy pregnancy. This procedure has become increasingly popular over the years for couples who have difficulty conceiving naturally or those who may have medical conditions that prevent them from getting pregnant on their own. With advancements in technology and techniques, IVF treatments continue to offer hope for many individuals looking to start or expand their families.

Q2. Who Needs Ivf Treatment?

IVF treatment is a medical procedure that helps couples who are struggling with infertility to conceive. This treatment is typically recommended for patients who have been trying to get pregnant for over a year without success, or for those who have certain fertility issues such as blocked fallopian tubes, endometriosis, or low sperm count in men. It can also be an option for same-sex couples and single individuals looking to start a family. Ultimately, the decision of whether or not someone needs IVF treatments should be made by their doctor after thorough evaluation and diagnosis.

Q3. How long does IVF take?

IVF treatment is a popular option for couples struggling with infertility. The length of time it takes to complete an IVF cycle can vary, but on average it takes about 4-6 weeks from the start of medication to the embryo transfer. However, this process can take longer if there are any complications or additional procedures needed. It’s important for individuals considering IVF to understand that each person’s journey may be different and patience is key during this process.

Q4. What does IVF treatment cost?

IVF treatment can be a costly process for couples struggling with infertility. The average cost of one cycle of IVF in the United States is around $12,000-$15,000. This high price tag may make it difficult for some individuals or families to afford this type of fertility treatment. However, many insurance companies are now offering coverage for IVF treatments and there are also financial assistance programs available to help offset the costs. While the expenses associated with IVF can be daunting, many people find that the potential outcome – having a child – makes it all worth it in the end.

Q5. Are There Alternative Treatment Options?

This has led to the rise of alternative treatments such as natural cycle IVF, mini-IVF, and IUI (intrauterine insemination). These options offer a more affordable and less invasive approach for those struggling with fertility issues. As technology advances and research continues in this field, we may see even more alternatives emerge in the future.

Q6. Does IVF hurt?

One of the most common questions about IVF treatment is whether it causes pain or discomfort. The answer to this question can vary from person to person, as everyone’s experience with IVF may be different. Some people report feeling mild cramping during the procedure, while others do not feel any pain at all. In general, doctors will take steps to minimize any potential discomfort and provide medication if needed. While there may be some temporary discomfort during the process, many couples find that the end result – a healthy baby – makes it all worth it in the end.

Q7.  What are the side effects?

IVF treatment has become a popular option for couples struggling with infertility. While it offers hope and the possibility of starting a family, there are also potential side effects that come along with this process. Some common side effects include bloating, cramping, mood swings, headaches, and fatigue due to hormonal changes during the treatment. However, these side effects are usually temporary and can be managed through medication or lifestyle adjustments. It is important for individuals considering IVF to discuss any concerns about potential side effects with their doctor before beginning the treatment process.

Q8. How does ivf cycle work? 

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a process that involves extracting eggs from a woman’s ovaries and fertilizing them with sperm in a laboratory. The first step of the IVF cycle is ovarian stimulation, where medication is used to stimulate the production of multiple eggs. Next, the eggs are retrieved through a minor surgical procedure and combined with sperm in a petri dish for fertilization. Once embryos have formed, they are transferred into the woman’s uterus using a thin catheter. This process typically takes around 2-3 weeks and may be repeated if necessary for successful pregnancy.

Q9. Does we Need Testing? 

IVF treatment involves a series of medical tests to determine the best course of action for each individual. These tests include blood work, ultrasounds, and hormone level checks to assess ovarian function and egg quality. In addition, genetic testing may be done to identify any potential risks or abnormalities that could affect the success of the procedure. All these tests are crucial in ensuring a safe and successful IVF treatment for those who are struggling with fertility issues.

Q10. Best IVF clinic or Hospital? 

IVF treatments have become increasingly popular in recent years, with more and more couples turning to this option for starting a family. In Indore, the Mohak IVF clinic is known as one of the best clinics for these types of treatments. They offer state-of-the-art technology and experienced doctors who are dedicated to helping their patients achieve their dream of having a baby. With high success rates and personalized care, it’s no wonder that Mohak IVF has gained such a reputation in the field of fertility treatments.

Contact Us - 

Website - https://mohakivf.com

Contact Number - 78980-47572

Email - help@mohakivf.com

[ivfbabyscience]

Understanding the timeline is essential. How long should you wait with IUI?

Let's dive into a topic that's often on the minds of our patients: the timeline of pregnancy with Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). Understanding this process can alleviate anxiety and provide clarity for those embarking on their journey to parenthood through assisted reproductive technologies.

At Baby Science, our team of expert doctors including the best IVF doctors in Delhi, is dedicated to guiding patients through every stage of this process with compassion and expertise. From the initial consultation to the insemination procedure and beyond, we provide personalized care to ensure each patient feels supported and informed, making us the best fertility clinic in Delhi .

Throughout the timeline of pregnancy with IUI, our focus remains on the well-being of our patients and the realization of their dreams to become parents. With meticulous ovulation induction, precise timing of insemination, and compassionate support during the two-week wait, we strive to alleviate anxiety and provide clarity every step of the way. At Baby Science, we're committed to helping our patients navigate the journey to parenthood with confidence and optimism.

What is IUI?

Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) is a fertility treatment that involves placing sperm directly into a woman's uterus to facilitate fertilization. It's commonly used for couples who are having trouble conceiving due to various reasons, such as male infertility, unexplained infertility, or cervical issues.

IUI Procedure Step by Step: The IUI procedure involves several steps. First, the male partner provides a semen sample, which is then processed in the laboratory to concentrate the healthy sperm. Next, a speculum is inserted into the vagina to visualize the cervix. The prepared sperm is then carefully inserted through a thin, flexible catheter into the uterus. Following the procedure, patients may rest for a short period before resuming normal activities.

IUI, a form of artificial insemination, offers hope to many couples facing fertility challenges. But how long does it typically take to get pregnant with this method? Let's explore:

Timing is Key:

In an IUI cycle, timing plays a crucial role. The procedure is typically performed around the time of ovulation when the chances of conception are highest. This window usually occurs within 24 to 36 hours (about 1 and a half days) after the administration of a trigger shot or the detection of a natural LH surge.

Patience is Virtuous:

While some patients may experience success in the first few cycles of IUI, it's essential to recognize that conception may take time. On average, couples undergoing IUI may achieve pregnancy within three to six cycles. However, individual factors such as age, underlying fertility issues, and treatment protocol can influence this timeline.

Optimizing Success:

To enhance the chances of success, our team at BabyScience focuses on optimizing each IUI cycle. This includes carefully monitoring ovulation, ensuring sperm quality and quantity, and addressing any underlying fertility concerns. Additionally, lifestyle factors such as maintaining a healthy diet, regular exercise, and minimizing stress can positively impact outcomes.

Empowering Patients:

Throughout the journey, clear communication and support are paramount. At BabyScience, we strive to empower our patients with knowledge, compassion, and personalized care. We encourage open dialogue, addressing any questions or concerns along the way, and fostering a supportive environment where patients feel heard and valued.

In conclusion, the timeline for achieving pregnancy with IUI can vary from one individual to another. While some may experience success sooner, others may require multiple cycles. What's important is to remain patient, hopeful, and supported throughout the process.

There are 12 clinics for BabyScience IVF Clinics in India, each staffed with experienced fertility specialists and equipped with state-of-the-art technology to provide the highest level of care. Our dedicated team at each clinic is committed to creating a supportive and nurturing environment where patients feel empowered and informed throughout their fertility journey. Whether you're seeking fertility testing, ovulation induction, or advanced reproductive treatments like IUI, IVF, or ICSI, our clinics offer comprehensive services to address a wide range of fertility concerns. At BabyScience, we understand the importance of personalized care and take pride in helping our patients achieve their dream of parenthood.

Book now to learn more about our services and schedule an appointment with one of our fertility specialists at a BabyScience IVF clinic near you. Our team is here to provide compassionate care, expert guidance, and unwavering support as you embark on your journey to parenthood. Contact us today and take the first step towards realizing your dream of starting or expanding your family.

[mrskurono]

title: ｆｅｒｔｉｌｉｔｙ　；| Rintarou Suna x Fem!Reader a/n: here I go again, comfort writing with Suna. And bc my notes have taken a dip and no one likes to reblog stuff anymore I’ll probably never open requests again and just write for myself  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ word count: 1.4k tags: timeskip (duh). real life situations, established relationship (your married), language, fertility issues (either Suna has low sperm count or reader has PCOS reader’s choice I didn’t specificy), medical terminology/situations, angsty, fluffy, IUI, vent writing ish, nothing bad happens just trying to get pregnant unconventionally, unedited character(s): Rintarou Suna (hq)

“As soon as you quit trying it’ll happen!”

“We didn’t even have to think about it and wow three kids later!”

“Your young don’t stress about it!”

“But you don’t look like it’s hard.”

You stare up at a mostly white wall. Textured fine and certainly not as renovated as the lobby. It still feels oddly like home even with the disposable blanket draped over your naked lower half. Perhaps what made it really feel like home was Rintarou’s hand on your thigh.

Staring long gone as your eyes drop onto the dark haired man who’s stare was directed at the closed door. He’s quiet. As always but you’re unsure to attribute it to the fact it was before nine A.M, or because the nurse practitioner said they were going to get the specimen. 

“Third times the charm you know,” Rintarou’s voice surprises you. Even though you were staring right at him. When he spoke facing away you couldn’t help but jump. His hand squeezing your thigh tight.

You’re quiet for a second. Third time was supposedly the charm. For a second you wonder how many friends, family and acquittances might have had the same thought.

A sigh leaves you and like the other attempts before you finally relax back into the exam chair, “We were in this room the first time right?”

Rintarou looks at the tapestry on the wall directly behind the two of you. Dark brows pinching a little he thinks for a second, “...I thought the first room had the quilt thing with kids hand paints on it?”

“There’s the flower one I think.” You mention the other piece of art you can vividly recall.

“Was it these or was it that flower one that looks like a vagina that was the first room.”

“Rintarou those were labias.”

“Yeah, and the other one looked like balls.”

“Oh but you remember the pussy looking one?”

“You mean labias.”

You squint your eyes at him and wordlessly mouth a mockery towards him. Forgetting for a second how nervous you were. He doesn’t forget how nervous you are though. Rintarou takes the mocking tease in stride when he bends down and presses a kiss to your scrunched forehead. Timing impeccable as always for the middle blocker as the nurse comes back in just as he stands back up.

Just like the three times before, the nurse stands with awfully ugly blue gloves on, the thickest looking catheter you ever swore you saw and papers clasped in their other hand. And just like the other times there was always a spiel to go with it all.

“Are we ready?” They looked at both you and your husband. Rintarou remained quiet but with a deep breath you nodded, “Good. Well- As always-” They hand the sealed and capped syringe to Rintarou, “You know the drill, body temp so if you don’t mind holding onto this.”

He nods. An otherworldly feeling to be holding onto what was basically the essence of his semen. But the tight grip the EJP middle blocker held it with was far more tight than any volleyball he’d ever held. 

“Here’s the papers as always,” The nurse wheeled over to your side of the exam chair in the small room, “Mobility looked great today. A 3.7 for them. Um- Unthawed at 6:34 this morning after the call, everyone looked lively in there and all there’s left to do is send them on their way! Are you ready?”

You take a deep breath. Looking at your nurse. Then looking to Rintarou. The hand on your thigh no longer there. Instead he’d taken your hand in his the second he was handed the sperm. You nod and squeeze his hand before looking at the nurse, “Third times the charm.”

There’s a faint smile on your husband’s face. Something you hadn’t seen once at these appointments. The way it tugs on the corner of his lips and Rintarou looks down at you even as someone gets between your legs, you can’t help but laugh to yourself. You’d be fucking him right now for that smile if there wasn’t KY jelly being smeared on your vaginal opening in preparation for a speculum to being inserted.

“Any plans for the rest of the day?” Utter casualness as someone only a little more than an acquaintance pulls your labias back right in front of your husband.

“Breakfast probably.” You look up at Rintarou who nods, “And then absolutely nothing.”

“Oh no practice today then?” Your overly friendly nurse glances up to Rintarou as the metal dipped down into you. 

It’s uncomfortable. Certainly not something you’d ever want to add to your bedroom antics. Each touch of their glove around your bits and pieces is something your not sure you can get use to but as they crank it to latch and your left knowing your cervix is exposed as Rintarou hands them the syringe, there’s something so strange. Your not sure you have an emotion for it actually.

“I just take them off normally,” Rintarou answers the person who’s now readying a thin catheter full of your husband’s separated and washed sperm to be inserted into your uterus on a Thursday morning. And Rintarou is talking to him like he does Motoya at the end of practice like its nothing.

“A couple this morning said they were going to try the new bakery down town,” Their hand goes to your thigh to let them know they’re going to touch you, “Alright deep breath, just a little discomfort and cramp.”

This is always the time you fall silent. Eyes fixated up on the ceiling even as you death grip Rintarou’s hand. It’s not a poke. Not like a needle. It’s cramp worthy but at the same time it’s so foreign that by the time it’s all said and done. They’re tossing the empty contain into the hazard bin and taking off their gloves.

“We have a shop we really like,” Rintarou replies calmly even though you’re sure your crushing his hand, “But I think I heard of the place.”

“Well-” The nurse smiled with their fingers crossed, “Here’s to hoping I can tell you about the bakery in two weeks.” 

They of course remind you of the drill. No checking before two weeks. False positives are rampant then. You get handed the papers. Which Rintarou always takes for you as you lay there on the exam table. Told to take your time for the ten minute wait period and then feel free to get dressed and head out. And like always you thank the person who just shot your husband’s sperm directly into your cervix.

Ten minutes. Then you could leave. 

Ten minutes you might as well sit in silence.

“...third times the charm you know,” Rintarou reminds you, as well as himself, after the nurse left. Big hand still clasped over yours as you lay there on the exam table.

“...I can feel lube stuck all over me,” You grimace at the coolness. It certainly is the same lube you use at home. An attempt to make this all more light hearted at best but it quickly falls flat.

You think for a second. All that advice you’ve gotten as you both try for your first. Don’t use lube. Use lube. Don’t do it on a Tuesday. Do it on a Tuesday. Don’t eat spicy. Ok maybe eat spicy. It all filters into your mind as you lay holding your husband’s hand in the stillness of the clinic room.

Rintarou snaps you out of it when he leans over. All 6′3 of him bent in half as he rests his ear against your chest and looks up at you.  Giant ass head in the middle of your chest and looking up at you. God he looks uncomfortable like that. But doesn’t budge an inch. Instead bringing your hand up to his lips and kissing your knuckles gently.

“Boy or girl?” You ask him the same question as the two times before.

He shakes his head. Lifting himself up to lean down and kiss your lips softly, “Doesn’t matter to me as long as it’s a baby.”

His assurance makes you sigh. Undoubtedly he was nervous too. At least here he kept it together. Though you were sure the staff probably thought your husband was a mute for the most part. You knew different. 

Reaching up you cup his face and bring him down for one more kiss, “...Here’s to the third time.”

[whentherewerebicycles]

weight talk under the cut

I got really out of my food and exercise routines during the months of the job hunt + big move + adjusting to new bleh work stuff (understandable) and my weight swung up quite a bit higher than it’s been in a while. but I did a pretty focused reset of my eating habits maybe six-ish weeks ago and I am starting to slowly see some of that stress weight come off. to be clear I like my body as is and while I have vague targets for where I’d like my ‘resting’ weight to be eventually I don’t diet or calorie count and I don’t stress too much about hitting certain ~milestones or whatever the way I used to in my lightly disordered eating youth. that said I think I do want to prioritize steadily and sustainably losing weight this year, for the following reasons:

health reasons (mostly my PCOS + family risk factors for diabetes and heart issues etc)

fertility reasons (moderate weight loss is supposed to increase chances)

🤰reasons (I’ve been reading about this a lot and if it’s within my control I’d like to make a concerted effort to not put on a lot more weight than I need to sustain a healthy pregnancy, especially since PCOS makes it really difficult for me to lose excess weight once I’ve put it on)

emotional reasons (this isn’t weight specific but: I feel a LOT better and sleep better when I’m eating well and getting a good amount of exercise. since I will have to go off most/all of my meds if I get pregnant I want to make sure I’m doing everything I can to take care of myself in other ways!)

I don’t know how long the IUIs will take, but I have budgeted for up to 6 cycles and I think I’d like to focus my food/exercise habit-building plans on a 3-6 month timeline. gonna return to this later today to do some more journaling and planning I think! but for now I want to stop & recognize that I’ve made huge progress towards the goals I set back in the spring 2020, when I realized I needed to change everything about my relationship to food/exercise. I eat SO many more kinds of vegetables than I used to and have learned to prepare healthy delicious meals. I’ve virtually eliminated processed foods + refined carbs and sugars from my everyday diet and have figured out ways to make that feel positive rather than restrictive or punitive. I’m curious about food and interested in new foods in a way I never was before like, age 27 lol. and I’ve experienced a couple stress-related setbacks (where I relapse into old eating habits) and been able to gently reset/get myself back on track. I consistently get 5-7 hours of moderate intensity exercise every week and I’m going to work on gradually building up to an additional 2-4 hours of higher intensity exercise at the gym each week. and while the scale isn’t everything, I’ve lost between 25-30 lbs (it’s fluctuated a bit with stress) in a little under 3 years. which probably isn’t as much as I could lose with crash dieting or whatever but my goal isn’t to lose fast but to lose sustainably in a way that gradually lowers my ‘resting’ weight aka the weight my body seems to kinda settle into. that feels really good to me!!! an average of 10 lbs per year seems doable and sane and not punishing.

it doesn’t make a ton of sense to set weight loss goals given the uncertainty of babymaking lol but if it does take me a while, I’d love to try to use careful food management + more exercise to slowly shed 5-7 lbs in the next six months, just to get myself comfortably into the 160s. the periods in my life where I’ve been the most physically fit my resting weight was between 145-150 and that 150 range has always felt like a good weight on my frame. soooo just gotta keep doing what I’m doing! working on building those good habits! tuning out the noise of weight loss pressure etc! focusing on what feels good for my body and self!

[bitoffairydust]

Preliminary Steps

The biggest difference between trying to conceive as a same-sex couple versus trying to conceive as a cishet couple is that there's no such thing as just 'getting right to it'. Of course I'm generalizing here - I know many men and women, regardless of the type of relationship they're in, battle with fertility issues, and for them it may not be such a clear cut process. For same-sex couples, however, there is never such a thing as a clear cut process, regardless of how healthy and fertile you may be. And the truth is, even after all the preliminary process of getting to the point where I can start trying to conceive, I don't even know if I'm fertile. My only advantage in terms of getting to a fertility clinic to get the help I need to have a baby is that I could self refer.

I said before that making a baby as a same-sex couple is a very clinical process. Let me go a bit more into details as to why exactly that is.

First step, of course, is getting an appointment at all. In some places, that is far more difficult than others, due to distance and lack of options, making for long wait times. We are extremely lucky to live in a highly populated area of the country. In our case, we had multiple clinics to choose from within our own city's radius, and going off into the suburbs even added a couple more options. That isn't the case everywhere. I've read of women having to travel 2-3 hours to get to the nearest fertility clinic in their province, and I have no doubt that some couple have to travel even further. Now, imagine having to do that, 3 to 4 times a month for the chance of getting pregnant. Furthermore, imagine doing that for a 10 to 20 percent chance of getting pregnant. That's the success rate of a first intra-uterine insemination cycle. Thankfully, it does go up from there, but consider that that first attempt is nearly like a throwaway cycle, and that you're potentially paying thousands of dollars for that throwaway.

Of course, the cost itself is something that varies greatly from place to place. Coverage is not the same in every province, and this is once more something for which we are extremely lucky and grateful, because Quebec covers up to nine IUI cycles. What's more is, that isn't nine in a lifetime. If I get pregnant now, regardless how many of the nine tries it takes me, and I want to try for a second child later, the count resets and I get nine more. Ironically, that's a bit of step down for us. Quebec used to cover IVF procedures as well, up until a few years ago when they took that away.

Now, I'm sure that first appointment varies from person to person, so I'm gonna relate my experience. On the whole, I was in the doctor's office for maybe ten minutes, and most of it consisted about him asking me questions that I'd already answered on the form I was given to fill out and return prior to the appointment. That appointment also included him questioning whether my wife had ever considered being the one to carry instead, after we went over some of the history of cancer in my family, but that was quickly dropped when I informed him that my wife is a cancer survivor herself. He also addressed my weight, which I'd known would likely be a concern, although ultimately it came down more to, it will make it more difficult to get pregnant versus we can't do this if you don't lose weight.

The next part of the process is actually getting those tests done. In Quebec, you have two options. Pay to get them done quickly, or do it for free but wait around a bit longer. In our case, we weren't in a rush - my first appointment was in November, but we knew we wouldn't really start trying until March or April, so for the most part, we went with the second option. Especially since these tests results are really only valid for one year before they ask you to do them all over again.

Some of these tests have to be done at a specific time during the menstrual cycle. Namely, a blood test and an ultrasound to determine the ovarian reserve (aka, do I have eggs, and is it a good enough amount), which have to be done toward the start of the cycle. They also require a pap test, and although not mandatory, they suggest doing a hysterosonography, which involves injecting saline into the uterus during an ultrasound to try and determine any anomalies in the uterine lining. It can also determine if there's blockage anywhere. That one is not mandatory, however, and it is one that I decided to forgo for now.

Next comes a grocery list of more blood tests. I'm talking about a dozen of vials needing to be filled with one draw. Cholesterol, triglycerides, lymphatic enzymes, you name it, they got it. There's also the ever pleasant glucose test, which involves three draws over the course of two hours. And then, if you're like me, they forget to include some of the tests/lose some of them so you have to go back for a couple more.

Finally, comes the therapy appointment. This one I was initially apprehensive about. I was admittedly under the impression that the appointment would serve to determine if we were fit to be parents. As it turns out, that's not what it's about at all. It actually is there to help you prepare better for some of what lays ahead, throughout the pregnancy but also raising a child who was conceive using donor sperm.

Once all those steps have been completed, congratulations! You can now start actually trying for a baby!

Unless, of course, a global pandemic happens.

- Marie

[ohinfertileme-blog]

A Letter To My Infertile Self

I never thought we’d be here. Each cycle is harder, each arrival of my period is more painful and each stark white pregnancy test is more heartbreaking than the last. In the hard moments, this is what I wish I could have told myself:

When you thought you’d get pregnant within the first three months. I’m so sorry your naive heart is about to be broken.

When your friends told you that they were surprised you weren’t more upset as each month went past and you told them “I’m sure if we aren’t pregnant by cycle 6 then it’ll really hit me.” 6 was a hard number, but not as hard as 10, or 12, or 15…Brace yourself.

When you stressed so much about every hundredth of a degree in temperature shift on your BBT chart, worrying so much that you actually caused your period to come late due to overwhelming anxiety. Your temperature is just going to tell you WHEN ovulation happens; whether or not you take it, you will still ovulate. Stop letting it consume you. Breathe.

When everyone at Christmas expected a pregnancy announcement like all of the cute YouTube videos. I’m so sorry. Hold your husband’s hand tight to fight back the tears. It will be okay.

When someone got pregnant by “accident.” Just because it isn’t happening for you does not mean others don’t deserve to get pregnant. Protect you heart a little extra when browsing social media.

When someone tells you, “I’m sure it’ll happen as soon as you relax, stress isn’t going to help. Maybe take a vacation and you’ll get pregnant there.” It’s okay, you can punch them.

When someone tells you, “It will happen when it’s supposed to.” You ARE supposed to be a mom. You can punch them harder than the last person.

When you went to that birthday party and someone announced their second unplanned pregnancy and you had to run out of the building and sob on the side of the road. Don’t feel guilty for these feelings. You can be happy for someone and be devastated at the same time.

When you sat in the waiting room of the fertility clinic waiting to meet with the RE for the first time. Hold your husband’s hand a bit harder. This is scary for him too.

When you second guess everything you do and how it effects your fertility. It is important to lose weight, eat healthy and maintain low stress levels. But this is not your fault.

When another male doctor who discusses the facts instead of the aching in your heart is poking around your vagina for your HSG. Breathe in, breathe out. This is quicker than you think.

When your husband is preparing for his semen analysis. Reassure him more often. You are the one who constantly talks about babies, imagine how he will feel if he cannot give that to you. He is so scared.

When you get the “unexplained infertility” diagnosis. It’s okay to be happy and sad about this news. Happy nothing is wrong, sad that there isn’t an easy “fix”. Embrace these emotions, bottling them up will only hurt later.

When you become numb to the process, no longer devastated at the arrival of each period, no longer researching fertility facts for hours, no longer reading the TTC blogs and message boards. Try your best to feel your emotions. Don’t let them consume you, soon you will explode if you keep them inside. You will explode in 3, 2, 1…

When you explode from bottling up your emotions for too long. Cry. Breathe a little, then cry some more. This is hard.

When you take it a bit further and sob on the couch while watching pregnancy announcements on YouTube. STOP. STOP RIGHT NOW.

When you put off starting your IUI’s out of fear they won’t work. You won’t get a baby if you don’t try.

And here we are. This is your last month trying naturally and next month we start our first IUI. You got this. This is scary. But you have a loving husband who supports you unconditionally and a family that is there for you and no matter what, you will be a mother one day. You are strong. You are more than an infertility diagnosis. You are a future mother of one very lucky child.

Sincerely,

Me

[mishykay22]

I read somewhere that infertility affects every relationship you have. Not just with yourself, not just with your partner, but with your family, your friends, your job, your ability to trust, to have faith, and to hope.

And it does affect all those things. And it makes you irrational, it makes you lash out, it makes you research when you should be sleeping and talk about yourself incessantly, and makes you convince yourself every month that this month is the one.

Most of all, it makes you feel less than.

Because at first you just think, this is going to take us longer than some people, and that’s okay. You start learning about ovulation and the timing of things.

You go to a doctor, she tells you it’s polycystic ovaries and anovulatory cycles, you just need medicine to stimulate ovulation.

You have three months of bated breath, and blood draws on day 21, the medicine makes your body mimic pregnancy symptoms so it’s an emotional rollercoaster every month.

On the 4th month, you see two pink lines. You breathe a sigh of relief, you schedule appointments.

At eight weeks pregnant, you have an ultrasound, they tell you there was never anything there. Your body thought it was pregnant but there’s no embryo. You’re given medicine to induce a miscarriage. You feel less than.

For the next six months, you’re again in limbo, frustrated knowing it ‘could happen’ but reminding yourself how long it took the first time.

From here, they suggest intrauterine insemination. After three invasive ultrasounds in as many weeks, you’re told that, you’ve been ovulating but ‘not enough’. You feel less than.

Two more IUIs, this time adding injections to move things along. You have three ultrasounds in as many weeks, you are prescribed additional injections, you’re told ‘this is the highest dosage we can give you’.

You try acupuncture. You pretend like it’s fine if this never happens for you. You cry. You’re distracted at work. You make people listen to you over and over again.

You get sick of counting days, of waiting for the next ‘step’ in your cycle, of analyzing symptoms, of going to the doctor, of the time off work, of feeling guilty for glasses of wine and too much coffee. You feel less than.

You’re told the next step is IVF. So here we are.

There’s a pain associated with infertility that feels difficult to talk about. There’s the fear of vulnerability. You worry about making people uncomfortable. You get frustrated that people never say the right thing. But also you know there’s no right thing.

And it’s all consuming some days. And some days it’s a fleeting ‘I doubt this will ever happen’, some days you start to accept it, some days you make flippant comments to your husband about your broken ovaries.

You’re happy when your friends get pregnant, especially for those that have had their own struggles but you’re always jealous. You always wonder if it’s ever going to be your turn.

If you know me, you know I process out loud. I cry when I’m frustrated, I’m snarky when I’m angry, I tell people I love them any time they make me laugh, and I love a good inspirational quote on social media.

Except on this topic. I’ve largely kept real feelings to a few people. A few people that have been amazing. People that let me talk about myself nonstop when surely, they had something to share. To be honest, I don’t know why some of you had to hear about it. You felt safe at the time and I’m forever grateful you didn’t make me feel like a burden. I hope you knew that.

I’m lucky to be married to a good one. A man who is admittedly pessimistic in most aspects of life but a relentless optimist in the pursuit of becoming parents. He reminds me of the life we’ve built. That we have a great family, amazing friends, successful careers, two amazing dogs (and more on the way), a house that we love, and the freedom to go on vacations.

My goal is to track the process and one day be able to read this and be proud of everything it took. Feel free to share stories or info along the way 💜

[ladywithoutababy]

What IVF Class is Like

This seems like a good place to start because I think I can write about it without too many feelings. IVF class is someone else’s problem. It’s something you can just show up for, and listen, and only tear up a couple times (as opposed to constantly).

It also seems like a good place to start because committing to IVF feels like the first time we’re actually “trying” to have a baby. One of the many weird things about TTC (trying to conceive, and I promise I will never use that acronym again because it makes me think about the thousands of crazy and sometimes toxic TTC forums) is that you don’t really know what trying means. Are you trying to have a baby when you:

have unprotected sex?

have unprotected sex with someone you’re married to?

have unprotected sex, on purpose, around when you think you’re ovulating?

have unprotected sex on purpose when you KNOW you’re ovulating?

get sad when you get your period at the end of the month instead of a baby?

are devastated when you get your period at the end of the month?

go talk to a fertility doctor?

get tested to make sure your eggs and his sperm are working as expected?

do a round of IUI?

do three rounds of IUI?

sign up for IVF?

Well reader, I guess it’s that last one. Now that we’re signed up for IVF, I think you could say that we are definitely, objectively, actively trying to have a baby. (But we did go through every single one of those phases above.)

Anyway, here’s what IVF class is like for those of you who are thinking about going to one.

Our fertility doctor is with NYU Langone (which has been a mixed but mostly negative experience; I’ll write about that separately), and for this organization, IVF class is mandatory before they’ll let you do IVF. As with most fertility-related adventures, they gave us zero information ahead of time, so we had no idea how many other people would be there or what would happen in IVF class. They only do these classes in two different time slots, both overlapping with a normal work day. We chose to go from 8:30-11:30am (and had to go on a non-ideal day because this was the only day available in the month of December, and we talked with our doctor about starting IVF in January). Yes, that’s right, it’s 3 hours long. Sure, why not.

We arrived at the east side office of NYU Langone, signed in, and sat down. The receptionist ignored us like she always does (check in happens on a kiosk). I heard someone else go up and ask about the class, and she sent them upstairs. So I got up, told her that’s what we were there for, and she sent us upstairs. I do not know how long we would have sat there if I hadn’t told her. [The last appointment we had (on the west side), we sat in the waiting room for an hour and when we finally got up and asked the receptionist for an update she said “Oh, I thought you left.”]

When we got upstairs, we entered a mostly-full conference room that had maybe 12 other people already in it. The room was very hot and my husband, wearing his winter layers, got sweaty immediately. They apologized for it being hot and said it gets hotter the longer you sit in there.

No one was asked to introduce themselves, which was simultaneously reassuring and very awkward. We were all left to avoid eye contact with each other and quietly wonder who the most upset person in the room was. Was it the woman whose husband didn’t come with her? Was it the woman who indicated she’s tried fertility treatments before? Was it us, because I was so mad at the receptionist not proactively helping us? Who can say.

A VERY nice and thorough woman took us all through a powerpoint presentation, which took about an hour. I loved it, because this was the first time in our ~year of actively working with a fertility doctor that someone actually explained to us, in detail, how IVF works and what you can expect. I think I only teared up once during this presentation, when she made a kind suggestion that whoever picks you up after your egg retrieval procedure (in which you need to undergo full anesthesia and then have a day of recovery) bring you a nice present. Another first: someone actually acknowledging that this whole deal might be, you know, physically and emotionally taxing for the woman involved? [I asked my husband after the presentation what he’ll bring me when he picks me up, and he said a Tesla. Right answer.]

After the presentation, a few people asked questions, and then a nurse came in to demonstrate how the different hormone injections work. (I’ll do a separate post about all of those later.) This wasn’t a big surprise to us because during IUI, there was one time where my husband had to inject me with a subcutaneous trigger shot. It didn’t hurt at all but he almost passed out. He’ll get better with the dozens of required at-home IVF injections, I’m sure.

After that, the nurses (? unclear if the first woman was a nurse or not) sat with each of us individually to help us with our paperwork. IVF requires a LOT of paperwork. (More like In Vitro Documentation, am I right?) Some things to consider - and commit to legally before starting - include:

What should happen to your eggs if they are not viable?

What should happen to your eggs if they have a mutation that may or may not affect a potential baby?

What should happen to your eggs if one, or both of you dies?

What should happen to your eggs if one, or both of you becomes permanently mentally incapacitated?

Do you want your discarded eggs to be donated for research? What kind of research?

If the doctors determine that it’s necessary for one specific sperm to be manually injected into your egg, do you want that? Do you want that even if it’s not necessary? (Who in their right mind would choose this?)

Do you want to do genetic testing on your eggs before IVF? They strongly recommend it; it costs another $3k and is not covered by insurance.

When the nice woman pulled up next to us, she said “I want to start with you guys because you have an unprecedented amount of things already done.” (Meaning we’ve already done a lot of the tests, procedures, paperwork, etc because we went through 3 rounds of IUI.) I was unreasonably proud and hoped the other couples could hear her. She helped us finish the paperwork - if you don’t go through it with them in person you have to get it notarized - and then patiently answered the couple questions I had. It was really nice getting to ask informed questions, now that I actually understand how the process works.

The biggest question: if this works, when will we be pregnant? Here’s the timeline:

On day 2 of my period in January (probably around mid-Jan), I will start taking hormones and getting monitored. The hormones happen basically every day, the monitoring happens every other day.

Around day 14, I will go under anesthesia and they will retrieve as many eggs as possible. My husband will give a “fresh sample” (they always call it that), and they’ll attempt to fertilize some eggs.

They’ll send some cells out for testing, and freeze the eggs in the meantime.

2 weeks later, we’ll get the results and will know how many normal, viable eggs we have to work with. It could be 10, it could be zero.

On day 2 of my period in February, I’ll start doing more hormones and more monitoring.

Around day 12, we’ll schedule the “transfer”, which will probably happen around day 18-20 of my cycle.

So if this works (there is a 40% chance at my age), we would be pregnant around late Feb / early March.

And that’s what IVF class is like.

[bakudekuficlibrary]

Hello! I was wondering if there is any MPreg Izuku Stories Out There??

Anonymous said:ohohohoho, anonymous fuck back again. I’m wondering if you can find some pregnant deku (with bakugou being the father of course) but not rape! owo;

Sure thing, anon! I’ll separate the ones with a Rape warning and those that don’t because, even though not all fics with a warning are fics where Bakugou rapes Izuku, I wouldn’t be able to tell off of the tag alone. 

-Ellie

1 Series. 25 Works.

Doesn’t Have a Rape/Non-Con Warning

How to Train Your Shitty Omega by deanvspanties ( E | 130,614+ | 17/? )

Izuku will have Bakugou’s knot. He’s Izuku’s alpha after all.

I’m sorry for this, but I just had an image in my head of omega!Izuku destroying the school, hunting down Bakugou, and demanding his knot.

(Note: This one is tagged as “Possible Mpreg.” I’m adding it just in case!)

the last dragon-blood king by claimedbydaryl ( E | 107,008 | 13/13 )

Katsuki Bakugou was the alpha heir to a forgotten throne, reigning lord and warden of the Fyre Isles, a famed warrior of vicious repute in the Western Seas, and he would be wed to Izuku Midoriya by the day’s end.

A Mate’s Worth by GreyLiliy ( M | 44,367+ | 12/? )

Katsuki was only supposed to be at the Omega Shelter as Kirishima’s moral support. He wasn’t looking for a mate nor licensed to claim a mate from there. It should have been a quick, boring trip.

But then he ran into Deku—someone he hadn’t seen in close to eight years—in that same Shelter for Abused Omega. Walking away alone had never been an option.

SeriesPart 2 of A/B/O x My Hero Academia

Lips, Teeth, Hands by litathesissy ( E | 2,044 | 1/1 )

“Fuck me,” his omega said, and Katsuki dissolved.

Our Lives On Fire by KaeLash ( E | 41,134+  |13/? )

Katsuki Bakugo is the ultimate alpha. He finally has the life he’s always wanted but never thought he deserved. He’s an Olympic gold medalist and his career as a trainer is reaching new unbelievable levels of success. He’s married to Izuku Midoriya, an omega, whom he’s unadmittedly been in love with since they were kids.

They’ve just become new parents to a baby boy, Kazuki.

After becoming a father he still hasn’t been able to make peace with the ghosts of his past.

And what he finds even worse than that…he hasn’t been able to mate with his sexy omega in months…

Bakugo is at the end of his rope on his journey of accepting his rocky, mysterious past and becoming a husband and a new daddy.

(Hopefully he’ll get to tie Deku up with a rope again really soon…)

*Alpha/Beta/Omega Universe

Mated for life? by Kelly_jo ( E | 16,744 | 6/6 )

Izuku goes into heat and Katsuki loses it.

This is my first ever omega verse and I’m nervous.

[Dub-Con]

Still by my side by Rinba ( T | 9,678 | 8/8 )

He looked tired? No he looked exhausted. His skin paler than usual, and his build even though larger, looked to have lost some definition.

He looked, he looked like, “Shit, you look like shit,” the blonde spat, “Smell like shit too.”

Izuku laughed. It was a wet laugh almost hoarse.

“I’m pregnant Kaachan.”

SeriesPart 1 of Still by my side

Homemade Happiness by issawip ( M | 31,482+ | 6/? )

There was probably a bigger chance for Izuku to win the lottery then for this to happen, unfortunately instead of getting filthy rich overnight, Izuku had managed to choose the worst fucking person in the world to be his sperm donor.

a love story about an IUI, an extreme coincidence and two people seriously destined to be together no matter what

the way you expect by xenodickery ( E | 7,932 | 1/1 )

It was his third pregnancy scare.

The first was when he was 17, just after he was rescued from the League of Villains. The second a few months later when he and Bakugou couldn’t keep their hands off each other after what had happened. Both of those he’d seen coming, but not this.

SeriesPart 3 of what’s mine is mine

Bite Me by AnimeLoversInTown ( E | 12,565+ | 5/? )

Katsuki Bakugou is going into rut and needs to find a mate ASAP. It’s not too hard when the problem is that he has too many options. Izuku Midoriya was not aware Katsuki Bakugou thought he had other options. Izuku Midoriya is going to make damn sure Katsuki Bakugou knows that he does not, in fact, have any other options; and that those options know they don’t stand a chance.

[Underage]

Dessert Before Dinner by Morpheel ( E | 3,473 | 1/1 )

Ground Zero has his work cut out for him as of late.

Between his increased Hero workload, and a pregnant mate at home, there’s very little time to slow down and “smell the roses”, as they say. He’s too busy fighting the rampant crime rate going wild throughout the city without their Pillar of Justice on duty for 9 months.

Yet leave it up to Izuku to find his own way in squirming some quality time in before Katsuki’s shift.

[Series] BakuDeku Omegaverse by AvvarElf ( G&M | 1,408+ | 2 Works | WIP )

And when he begged so nicely, his skin flushed all the way down to his chest, cock fat and pink and wet, legs spreading wider, Katsuki was at his omega’s mercy.

Izuku and Katsuki’s wedding.

[On Hiatus] Impulse by HG_Wells ( Not Rated | 4,418+ | 1/? )

Midoriya Izuku is a just an ordinary Beta with no Quirk, bullied and tormented for his lack of unique abilities. His main assailant is his chlidhood friend, Bakugou Katsuki. His bully is rather special, born with a genetic defect that makes him stronger than a normal Alpha. They call the ones with these defects ’S-Ranks’. Laying dormant in Izuku’s body is his own S-Rank, it takes an inherited Quirk from his Step Father to pull this torpid trait to the surface.

Project: Heat by sterekhalinsk ( M | 2,914 | 1/1 )

Katsuki can do this. He can control himself around Deku, who’s scent has spiked in sweetness and is dripping in pheromones. He can maintain his composure as they work together on a school project. He can keep himself in check as his stupid smell wafts through the air, and directly into his nose.

He can’t do this.

[Underage]

Destined by ABO_gamer ( M | 1,732+ | 1/? )

Old wives tales say that everyone has a soulmate, that one person who compliments them beyond compare. In a world of hero dynamics and secondary genders, it never felt that simple to Izuku Midoriya.

Will Izuku be able to accept himself as an omega when even his soulmate has a hard time accepting him?

[Abandoned] My hero academia : next generation by Miki_Tamiko13 ( M | 11,728 | 6/13 )

I’m Miki bakugou and this blonde wuss is my baby brother tamiko bakugou. We are twins.Our parents are the great duo ground zero and Deku.

This is the store of how we came into the world.

[Underage]

Groupies by DemonufSans ( M | 865+ | 2/? )

they made a chat but a game of Kings game off line changed everything

SeriesPart 3 of My hero Academia fanfic and Request

You and Me by twilightwings ( E | 6,404+ | 2/? )

Not even being heroes are not hard enough, now a new problem had revealed it’s self to them the problem is it’s not a villain. the start of being parents.

SeriesPart 2 of Family love series

[Abuse]

(Note: This one is tagged with “Pregnancy,” but doesn’t specify who’s going to be pregnant.) 

【胜出】肚肚 by Mialin ( G | 301 | 1/1 )

简介：小孩子与大人的减肥。

Has Rape/Non-Con Warning

Cinnamon Bun Bun by DarkMachi ( M | 47,190+ | 23/? )

In a world with humanoid creatures called “pets”, Katsuki Bakugou finds himself suddenly the owner of a timid curly haired rabbit. How the fuck did that happen? Will the reluctant new owner and abandoned pet be the best thing for each other or will it end in disaster? Only the tags will ever know.

Warm and fuzzy fluff pet AU with hints of angst and humor!

*This story is mostly about fluff. Warning and “past” tags for a backstory chapter(s) almost exclusively. Will warn at the beginning of ANY chapter with ANY sensitive issues.*

[Rape/Non-Con]

(Note: I am reading this fic, so I can tell you that, even though this work has a Rape warning, it is not between Bakugou and Izuku.)

The Bonds that Bind Us by DMMegsie ( M | 28,298+ | 5/? )

Travelling with his trading caravan, Izuku is on his way home when they stumble across an already heated battle in the middle of an open field in the dead of night. Being mistaken as part of attacking party, Izuku finds himself fighting off the fabled Demon King of the Mountains of Fire.

However, during the battle, Izuku breaks a necklace on the Demon King that held an unspoken promise from his mother from long ago, which changes everything.

Nothing ever as it seems, nor is it simple. As an omega of elven descent, Izuku has a lot to learn about the greater world and himself. The same could be said of the half dragon lord of the mountain.

[Graphic Depictions of Violence | Rape/Non-Con]

Howl For Me by SaltyTofu ( E | 10,006+ | 6/? )

Izuku just wanted to learn more about plants and spend some time away from the city. He didn’t expect to be bitten by a psycho werewolf who is set on keeping him by his side. And what’s with all these weird side effects?

[Abandoned] Raising The Absolute Duo by Torishii ( M | 6,318 | 1/? )

Midoriya Izuku have love Bakugo Katsuki, his childhood friend, for as long as he could remember. Even if they are in high school, he remain his feelings all to himself. One day, Izuku meets a mysterious girl who advise him to admit his feelings to Bakugo so he won’t get hurt. He considers and did what she said.

However, in exchange, he’s get to experience something that is beyond a human’s knowledge and will turn his life upside down.

[Rape/Non-Con | Underage]

Chapter 4 & Chapter 5 of I Looked Up My Address and it Just Says a Garbage Can by Your_Bones( M | 1,920 | 2 out of 14 )

A dumping ground for unedited mini fics (around 700-1,000 words a pop, varies a lot,) based on prompts from my good friend kittenmittens. (Her counterpart, “A Walking Burlap Sack of Turds”, is also viewable here on Ao3.) Kind of a grab bag of fandoms and subject matter, but mostly focused on mpreg and other totally self-indulgent junk.

Read at your own risk, and don’t expect stunning quality for any of these: keep in mind they were all written in about an hour each.

[Rape/Non-Con]

(Note: The chapters linked do not contain Non-Con. It seems that the warning is for a different chapter on this compilation fic.)

How are we doing? We have a Submitter Feedback Form for anyone who wants to give us a piece of their mind! Thank you in advance if you complete it. If you have never sent an ask, but want to give us feedback, we have a Follower Feedback Form, too!

[psychospeak-blog]

Won’t Go Slowly // 19

A/N:   Tyler has to leave soon, so prepare yourselves :( Thank you guys so much for the continuous love and all the messages about my story!

One // Two  // Three // Four // Five // Six // Seven // Eight // Nine // Ten // Eleven // Twelve // Thirteen // Fourteen // Fifteen // Sixteen // Seventeen // Eighteen

You felt like you were supposed to be nervous.  It was a big deal, you knew, to get your first ultrasound done.  And, yet, you weren't worried.

You were confident that you were both pregnant and healthy.  The symptoms you were continuing to experience were a pretty great sign, too.

But you were anticipating, glancing at the clock in the corner of your computer, until you could leave without being horrifically early.

There was a soft knock against the door frame and you frowned, popping your head up, because you definately did not have anything else scheduled for the day, and you were really just killing time trying to finish up a couple of things before you left for your appointment.  But then Tyler's head poked around the corner, leaning into your office.  

"What are you doing here?" you asked, "I thought we were meeting at the doctor's?"

"Yeah, but," he looked out behind him, as if to make sure there wasn't someone in the outer offices who could hear him.  But it was the middle of August; the office administrator wouldn't even be back full-time until next week, and everyone else was in their own offices, "You find it hard to drive when you feel sick.  So, I thought I'd pick you up."

"I'm okay, Tyler," you said, "I managed to drive to work."

"I know," he said, flicking his keys in his hands, "But, I figured, the less you have to drive the better, right?"

You shrugged your head, in a way to indicated agreement.  "Thanks."

"'Course," he said, stepping forward into your office and grinning mischievously, quickly turning that picture of you and the dogs to face outwards, as he always did and you smiled, thinking that you could probably get another frame for the ultrasound picture you'd be getting after today.  That one, that one you would definitely not permit to turn around, that'd just be for you.  You probably wouldn't have it out at work like that right now, but you'd already had to tell several of your co-workers you were pregnant to explain why you were vomiting so frequently at work.  

"You ready to go?" Tyler asked, and you nodded, grabbing your purse, which was just mostly full of crackers at this point, anyways.

You decided to take his car, only so he wouldn't have to adjust the the seat and mirrors in your car.  

"How're you feeling?" Tyler asked once he started the car.

You answered by opening your purse, pulling out another cracker, and shoving it in your mouth, and Tyler laughed.  "You figure out what you want to eat yet?"

You shook your head,  "Almost, I think."  You were definately getting closer.  You knew it was something with cheese, for certain.  But you'd tried a cheeseburger, which wasn't quite right.  Tortilla chips with cheese was closer, but still not there.  You'd even done poutine, which seemed good at the time, but still wasn't what you were really craving. You were still nauseous, but you were also kind of hungry at the same time, like you had a pit in the bottom of your stomach, and you just knew that this thing would satisfy it. Once you figured out what it was.

"Are you, like, nervous...or anything?" Tyler asked, and you looked over at him.

"Should I be?"

Tyler shrugged.  "Don't ask me."

You looked out the window, because now you were kind of getting nervous that you weren't nervous.  

"I don't think there's a right way you're supposed to feel," Tyler said, patting you gently on the knee, "I just wanted to make sure you weren't freaking out."

You shook you head, "No, I feel," you looked out the window, "I just feel excited."

Tyler glanced at you out of the corner of his eye.  "Good," he smiled, "I think that's a really great way to be feeling."

It was quiet for the rest of the drive, other than you giving Tyler directions, because you'd looked up the way to the office probably about 10 times last night.  Until you pulled into the parking lot, and he spotted Danielle's car.  It looked like she was typing away on her phone, probably just waiting for you to arrive, and you thought he was just going to pull into the open space next to her, but honked the horn, and your hand flew to your chest in alarm, followed by Tyler's loud laughing. "Jesus christ," you mumbled.

"Oh, did that scare you, too?" Tyler asked, and then started laughing even louder as he pulled into the parking spot.  Danielle was bent over, picking her phone up, which she'd stopped when he'd startled her, but when she sat back in her seat, she glared directly at him.  Tyler just grinned, wagging his fingers in a wave.  

"You're such an asshole, sometimes," Danielle said, when you'd all gotten out of your vehicles.  

"I was just trying to say 'hello'," Tyler said, even though he was still laughing, "Not my fault you're jumpy."

"I almost peed myself," you said through your teeth.  

Somehow that made Tyler laugh even louder, "Okay, I wasn't trying to scare you," he said, "That was just a bonus."

"So you were trying to scare me, then?" Danielle challenged.

"Uh...I'm sorry?  I love you guys?" Tyler said, putting an arm around each of your shoulders, pulling you into him, letting your go so you could walk, but not before he took of your hands and one of Danielle's hands, swinging them between you as you took a few steps towards the building, finally dropping them before you crossed the street.  "Y/N, I'll try not to scare you while you're pregnant.  But, Danielle, you're not off the hook."

"I need to get pregnant," she mumbled.

"Well," Tyler said, reaching to open the door for both of you, "I might know a guy."

"Oh my god," you said under your breath, walking away from them and going to check yourself in.  The appointment wasn't actually as long as you thought it would be, considering how you'd already had genetic testing done and gone through all the run-through with prenatal vitamins and other precautions.  You just hoped that, in the paperwork that was sent over from the clinic, it didn't mention that you hadn't had the IUI done for several months, because that would be super awkward.  However, the nurse that took your weight and did all your tests, didn't mention anything.  

"Alright," the nurse said, shuffling her papers, "So we're going to do an internal ultrasound in the room just next door.  You can head over there and get changed into a gown, and the doctor and your....people will be in in a moment."

"Okay," you said, taking a deep breath as she left the room, because this was the moment you've been waiting for. "I guess I'll see you guys in there."

"You want us to come, right?" Tyler asked.

You smiled, nodding, "This is going to be the best part."

As soon as you turned your back to leave the room, you heard Tyler ask in a loud whisper, "What does internal mean?"

"It means in her vagina," Danielle whispered back.

"Why the hell didn't she just say that?" Tyler said in a normal voice, "'Internal' sounds horrible. Jesus christ."

You were laughing under your breath as you went into the next room, shutting the door and shedding your clothes, folding them and placing them in the chair on the corner that you assumed was for that purpose.  You put the gown on, sitting yourself on the bed and pulling the sheet over your legs.  You sat there, counting to 60 twice, and now you were starting to feel anxious because you were in there alone, not focusing on anything, and you could hear Tyler and Danielle talking in the next room.  So, you leaned over, tapping against the wall.  

"What?" you heard Tyler ask.

"Can you guys come in here?" you asked, "Please?"  You really didn't even care if everyone in the whole damn doctor's office heard you.  You weren't going to sit around, legs jiggling in excitement, by yourself.

The door slipped open a few seconds later and they both slipped in, shutting the door behind them, and you tried to keep your legs shut as much as possible, the sheet still draped over you. You had also just assumed you'd have a regular ultrasound on your belly, you weren't really anticipating having your pants off, and the whole thing felt kind of awkward.  Especially because there'd be three people in the room with you, all wearing pants.

"I really like your outfit," Tyler said with a quirk of his brow, and you laughed, both him and Danielle coming up to stand by your head.

"Does it seem like the doctor's taking a long time?" you asked. "I feel like I've been sitting here by myself for ever."

"Babe, it hasn't even been two minutes," Tyler said, squeezing you on the shoulder.

"And we're here with you now," Danielle added.

It had been fine, when the nurse was asking you questions or doing something, but now you felt like you were just waiting, and it didn't help that the ultrasound screen was right next to your head, blank. "I just wish she would hurry up."

Sure enough, the knock on the door sounded and your heart skipped a beat, until you felt both Tyler and Danielle looked at you, and you realized you were supposed to call out 'come in'.

"Y/N?" she asked, shutting the door behind her and shifting the papers she'd been looking to one hand, sticking her arm out to shake your hand, "I'm Dr. Stevens."

"Y/N," you said, even though she clearly already knew your name, and then realized she was turning her gaze to the people behind you, "This is my friend Danielle, and --"

"Tyler," Tyler said, leaning forward to shake her hand after she'd shaken Danielle's, "Friend slash sperm donor."

You blinked, wanting nothing more than to just pull the sheet up over your face.  She'd probably thought he was making....well, a dad joke, had the information in your file not said otherwise.

"Okay, great, nice to meet you all," Dr. Stevens said brightly, like she encountered this kind of thing everyday.  And maybe she did, "It's great to see you've got support, because you are definately pregnant.  Congratulations."

"Thank you," you smiled, as she set the test results down on the table.

"Everything else looks great, so let's see if we can take a peek at this little nugget," she said, shuffling around with putting some gloves on and getting the equipment ready.  "And when was your last period?"

"Umm.." you started, getting a little frazzled as she was moving between your legs, because you were trying to relax.  "June.  No, July...July..."

"July 2nd," Tyler said quietly from behind you, and you snapped your head back in surprised, him looking down at you, "It was the day after Canada Day, right?"

"Yeah, Yeah," you confirmed, "that's right."

"Deep breath," the doctor prompted, and you tried to take one, even though you were still trying to wrap your head around the fact that Tyler had remembered when your last period was, and you hadn't. You felt a hand cover yours, fingers lightly intertwining, and you looked back to see Tyler smiling lightly down at you, before you turned your attention back to the doctor, and then the screen.

"Okay," Dr. Stevens said, turning the screen so you could see better, "So that's the sac, right there, and that's the embryo, right there.  And there's the heartbeat."

Your eyes centered in on the flicker in the middle of the screen, tears prickling at your eyes, your hand gripped at the sheets, and you could feel Tyler's hand flex over yours..  "That's inside me?" you said on an inhale.

"Yes," she said with a bit of a laugh, "Everything looks perfect.  I'm just going to take some measurements."

"Yeah, okay," you said, noncommittally, your eyes focused on the screen and nothing else.  You could feel Danielle's hand on your shoulder, leaning over to take a closer look, your hand going to your mouth with just pure emotion, gentle tears falling down your cheek.  Tyler's hand came up, brushing your tears away, and you looked back behind you.  Danielle eyes were focused on the screen, her eyes looking glassy, but Tyler was just looking right at you, his eyes focused on you, and you didn't even think he'd looked at the screen.  You nodded your head towards it, and then looked back, because it was amazing.

"That's it?" Tyler said suddenly, "It looks like a blob."

You were pretty sure all three of the females' heads in the room turned to look at him slowly, you biting your lip to try not to laugh.

"Sorry, sorry, I mean, it's a really cute blob," Tyler said quickly, his hand smoothing back your hair, "I guess, I just thought it would look more like...a baby."

Dr. Stevens laughed from the foot of the exam table.  "That'll happen," she said, "So, you're measuring about 7 weeks, which works out right with your last period, and puts your estimated due date at April 19th."

"Okay," you said, your voice still light with wonder, " Can you write that down for me, please? I don't think I'll remember."

"It'll be on your ultrasound pictures," she said with a light laugh, and you could already hear the sound of the printer, as she slid the wand out of you, and you shut your legs again.  "Both you and baby are right on track, and the office will call you to set up your next appointment for 4-6 weeks.  Did you have any other questions or concerns?"

"No," you said, shaking your head, "I don't think so."

"Great," Dr. Stevens stood up, gathering up the ultrasound pictures and handing them to you, and then going to pick up your chart, turning to leave the room.  "I'll see you at your next appointment."

"She's been really sick," Tyler said suddenly.  

Dr. Stevens turned back around, addressing you.  "Well, it usually improves by the second trimester.  What's most important is that you stay hydrated.  Are you able to keep down fluids?"

You nodded.  That, you seemed to have no problem with, "I just can't eat much."

She gave you a sympathetic smile.  "I can prescribe you a medication to help with the nausea that's safe for the baby.  It can make you feel pretty tired, but if you're feeling quite sick, it's a good option."

" I'm not sure if I want to take medication," you said.  

"Could you prescribe it and she can take it if she wants?" Tyler asked.

" Yes, of course, it's be on an as-needed basis anyways," Dr. Stevens said, "And it's very safe should you feel you need to take it."

"Okay," you said, "that sounds like a good idea."

"Okay," she said, writing out the script, "We'll check your weight at your next appointment to make sure you aren't losing too much weight, but definately call before then if the medication isn't helpful, or if things get worse.  There are lots of options we can discuss."

"Okay," you said, taking the prescription from her.  "Thank you."

"Of course," she smiled, "Have a great rest of your day, guys."

She slipped out of the room just like she'd come in, and you sat up a little more.

"I've got to go back to work," Danielle said, wrapping an arm around your shoulder, "but thanks for letting me come, that was amazing."

"Of course," you said. You couldn't fi¥figure out why both her and Tyler seemed to continually thank you for letting them come, when you were the one who should be thanking them.

"See ya Dani," Tyler said, and then to you, "I'll wait for you out there, 'k?"

You nodded, waiting until the door was shut before you got up, getting redressed.  You went to pick your prescription and the ultrasound pictures up from where you left them on the bed, staring at them because you were just in complete awe.  The tears started falling again, and you sat down in the chair, leaning forward and just sobbing.

"Y/N?" You heard Tyler's voice from the other side of the door, followed by a gentle knock, and you realized you'd been in there for awhile, because it was like nothing else mattered.

The door open slowly, and then shut with a can't eatbang.  "Fuck, babe, what's wrong?"  Tyler came over, crouching down in front of where you were seated in the chair, his forearms laid across the tops of your knees, and you shook your head.  Because nothing was wrong. Nothing was wrong at all.

"Was it because I called your baby a blob?" He asked, his hands sliding up and down your legs a bit.  "Because I didn't mean it like that.  I just thought it was going to look different for some reason? I don't know."

"No" you said with a sniff, "that was funny."

His head tilted off to the side, his expression soft, eyes locked on yours.  "Why are you crying then?"

"Because I'm so happy," you said, "you don't know how long I've wanted this for."

"Yeah, I do," Tyler said, quietly, his thumbs rubbing circles on the sides of your knees, "you've talked about it for as long as I've known you.  It's always been 'when i have kids..' with you.  And now it's happening."

Your gaze dropped from his, to the ultrasound photos in your lap, your hand resting on your smile, eyes welling with tears again.  "We made this," you whispered.

"I know," Tyler smiled back at you, leaning towards you slightly to smooth your hair back, placing a kiss on your forehead, and then his hands settling on the side of your chair.  "You alright?"

You nodded, and he stood back up.  "C'mon, let's get out of here."

You followed him out of the office and back to the car, your pictures and the prescription clutched in your hand the entire time, and you kept looking at it.  You didn't even realized that Tyler had grabbed your purse until you were back in his car, and he set it on your lap.

"You want me to take you to get your prescription?" Tyler asked.

"No, not right now," you said, suddenly even more grateful that he'd driven you, because you were in such a daze that you really didn't think you'd even be able to concentrate on the road, and you looked over at him.  "Thank you for coming with me."

"Of course," Tyler said, taking his hand off the wheel to pat your knee, "It was awesome."

You smiled, taking your phone out of your purse, arranging the pictures on your lap so you could take a photo of them.

"You want to just go back to my place and go get your car later or tomorrow or something?"

"Sure," you said, not even looking up from where you were now choosing the best picture to send to your sister.  Although she'd been really hesitant at first about the whole idea, even since you'd told her you were pregnant, she'd been nothing but supportive.

"Are you even listening to anything I'm saying?" Tyler asked, glancing at you with a laugh.

"Yeah, we're going back to your place," you said, but then your sister texted you back, a series of hearts and kissy emojis, followed by, 'Wish I could have been there'.   You sniffed again, your hand coming up to wipe at your eyes.  Again.

Tyler made a clicking noise with his tongue against his teeth, "Awe, babe, don't start crying again."

"I can't help it."

"Will you stop if I buy you a donut?"  he asked, and you shook your head, laughing, "Ice cream?"

"No, no sweets. I want something savory " you said.  You actually felt kind of hungry, but also kind of sick, so you opened up your purse, and went back to your crackers.  

"Pizza?" Tyler asked, and that sounded good for about 5 seconds, and then you shook your head again.  "Okay, so how do I get a pregnant woman to stop crying then?"

You shrugged, because it wasn't like you'd done this before.  "I don't think I'm crying because I'm pregnant," you said, "I'm just emotional."

"Uhhh...." Tyler ground out, "I think you're a little hormonal, too?  I should have asked the doctor how I get you to stop crying."

You would have smacked him had he not been driving.  

Luckily for him, your phone starting ringing just had he pulled into his driveway, Nicole's name flashing across your screen.  "Hey," you answered, gathering your stuff and climbing out of the car.  

"How are you?" she answered in a bright voice, and you could hear the smile in her voice, "How was it?"

"It was amazing, Nic, everything was perfect," you said, following Tyler to the front door, as he unlocked it, and then the door swung open hard, all three dogs swarming you while you were still walking up the steps, and you made a squealing noise.  It would have been fine if it had just been one dog, but all three of the were bouncing off your from various directions, and it was tough to anticipate.  Tyler's arm reached back to steady you.

"Jesus Christ, guys," Tyler said, "You're supposed to protect her, not try to knock her over."

"What's happening?" Nicole asked from the phone, as you stepped inside, sitting down to take your shoes off.

"The dogs," you said.

"Let her breathe," Tyler said firmly, trying to grab all three of their collars at once, and then slipping back into his soft dog voice, "Yeah, the baby's healthy.  I know you wanted to come, but dogs aren't allowed at the doctor's office. It's lame."

You laughed under your breath, walking through the house to go to the back, which was kind of becoming your favourite place to be, especially as things quieted down at the end of the summer, as the usually did, before Tyler left.  

"Did Tyler come with you?"

"Yep."

"Well, that was really nice of him," Nicole said, and you could tell that she was genuine.  You were sisters, you could always tell when she was lying, even if it was over the phone.

You glanced back over your shoulder at him, even though your three shadows were separating you from him, all following you. "Yeah, it was."

You walked outside, walking through the grass, sitting in a chair, the ultrasound and prescription still in your hand.

"And everything was good, you said?"

"Yep," you confirmed, petting Gerry's head as he settled it across your knees, "Hi, Hi."

Tyler sat down a couple of chairs over from you, clearing his throat loudly and then trying to get the dogs' attention by clapping his hands, finally sighing dramatically and then moving to the chair next to yours, so he could actually pet them.

"Hi Nicole!" Tyler yelled, "Your niece or nephew is super cute!"

You laughed, chatting with your sister about your appointment, and your due date, and when your next ultrasound would be because she wanted to come with you, until you heard your sister mumble, "Shit."

"What's wrong?"

"Oh, I just almost burnt the toast for my shrimp sandwich."

Toast.  Crispy bread.  That was it.

"Hey, Nic, I gotta go."

"Everything alright?"

"Yeah," you said, "I just gotta make something to eat."

You said your goodbyes, looking over at Tyler.  "Do you have bread?  And cheese?" you asked, "And butter? And mustard?"

"Uh, I think so?" he said, "What are you...?"

"I know what I want to eat," you said excitedly, standing up, looking at the ultrasound pictures and prescription still in your hand, "Can you hold these for me?"

"Sure," he said, taking them from you.

The dogs followed you, of course, but so did Tyler because, as he claimed, he was now super curious about what it was you were wanting to make.  Once inside, you pulled out a pan from the drawer, setting in on the stove, gathering all the necessary ingredients with the dogs underfoot.  It was really cute, how they were following you around, actually, but there were so many of them, and you were worried you were going to step on a paw or something.  

"Yeah, guys, I'm pretty sure it's not a good idea to get in a pregnant woman's way when she's hungry," Tyler warned them, and you glared briefly at him, buttering the bread, "See, look, she looks like she wants to kill me."

You ignored him, adding the cheese.  It had barely even started cooking, and already it smelled amazing.  But you wanted it cooked perfectly golden brown, and it would be an added bonus if some of the cheese melted over and crisped up.  While it was cooking, you slipped the dogs pieces of leftover cheese.

"That's what you wanted?" Tyler said, "Just a grilled cheese?"

You shook your head, because you hadn't even gotten to the best part.  You took the sandwich out of the pan, cutting it into four pieces, and then pouring yourself a glass of lemonade.  Only then did you get the mustard from the fridge, adding some to your plate for dipping.

"What are you doing?!" Tyler exclaimed, like you just wrecked everything.  But you grinned, gathering up your plate and glass, because you wanted to enjoy this in the best location.  All four of them trailed after you back outside, and you sat sideways in your chair, so your legs were hanging over the armrest, plate in your lap, letting your lemonade on the armrest of the chair behind you.  And then you broke a piece of the grilled cheese, dipping it in the mustard, and then putting it in your mouth, letting your eyes slide shut as you tasted it.  It was better than you imagined.  

When you opened your eyes to get more, Tyler was staring at you, looking absolutely disgusted.  

"I'm so happy right now," you said, dangling your legs and eating more.  The dogs were looking at you expectantly, but you certainly were not sharing.

"I mean, I'm glad you're happy," Tyler said, "But you're making me feel sick now."

[thoughtrap]

Early Motherhood

I am back at the cafe, sipping my cold coffee and writing this note. Looking out of the window I see the traffic rushing past me. As I look closely at the vehicles, faces of people draw my attention. I try to study the faces, look for experiences behind the emotions. After all our emotions drive us, at least that’s what I think.

My mind is trying to sort what could be the next best post for the blog. Images from the early days of motherhood linger in my head. Those days have clearly had a huge impact on my Self.

After I turned 25, I fought what feels like a long battle with Endometriosis all the way till I became pregnant at 36. Endometriosis is a debilitating condition, in which the tissues on the uterus lining also exist outside the uterus. In my case it was on both the ovaries leading to massive tumors. I had major pelvic pain and severe mood swings. Despite the condition I lived a full life, a loving relationship with my partner/spouse, hanging out with friends, travelling, partying, working as a school counsellor, conducting lectures and life skills classes, managing a home, learning contemporary dance and yoga. However, the co-morbid condition of infertility preoccupied me. I was told early on in the diagnosis of endometriosis that the condition has no cure and leads to infertility (interestingly the traditional cure to endometriosis is pregnancy!). I found a wonderful gynaecologist to help me maintain my condition without too many surgeries (I have had two laparoscopies to remove endometriotic tumors). At 35 I finally decided to stop treatment and try the good old bang-bang way to get pregnant! IVF, IUI were other options given to me but Romit and I decided to wait it out. I took some pills to help me during the period of ovulation. On a trek to the village of Tosh in Himachal Pradesh, I felt easily tired, at the same time a sense of calm descended on me. I was hopeful yet willing to accept that I might not be able to ever conceive ‘naturally’. A week after the trek, a simple method of pee on the stick and a blood test confirmed I was pregnant!!

I didn’t talk to anyone about the pregnancy. I couldn’t believe it, and decided to not talk about it till after the first sonography (ultrasound). A week later at the sonography table under the eye of my doctor who seemed more excited than me, my pregnancy was confirmed. On the screen I could only see some black and white squiggles. My mind felt uneasy. Soon enough Romit was called in and the doctor said to him “So I see twins!”. TWINS!! Romit raised his palm up and said to the doc “Alrightttt! High Five!” I was lying there numb. No smile. No instant happiness. But intense fear. And a constant “WTF!!!! I wanted ONE!”(in my head, never aloud)

After intense mental stress due to endometriosis and the struggle with infertility, the reality of positive on the pregnancy test was pretty surreal. Also I was under the grip of hormonal changes that brought with it intense nausea, something that lasted throughout the pregnancy. Looking back at my pregnancy what I most remember is the constant nausea. I spent most of the following 36 weeks 4 days in bed lying around or sitting around in a big armchair that Romit especially picked up for the pregnancy. I barely remember smiling or felling wonderful. It was much later into the pregnancy that I realised I was severely depressed. This was the most bodily emotional I had ever felt, by which I mean that even though my mind was at ease, my body felt heavy and lethargic. Emotionally I felt low and cried easily. Before this pregnancy, anytime I felt like this I had the emotional courage to analyse my feelings and use body movement like dance or yoga to conquer depressive feelings. Not this time. This time it all felt unusual. I did not feel motivated to move or exercise.  

On consulting my gynecologist, I shared my worries around the twin pregnancy, she simply encouraged me to ‘take it easy’ and ‘just chill’ and ‘this happens’ and ‘just start looking for nannies’. I did not feel heard or understood. Here I am not blaming the gynecologist for her lack of empathy, I do wish she was more understanding but I also know she did her best to be there for me. Soon enough I stopped talking about my feelings of depression and intense fatique. I did not look for nannies. I read books. Watched a lot of Netflix shows. Have you seen the show- Transparent?! I binge watched that one.

In essence, my emotions felt pretty out of control. My body felt alien.

My social life came crashing down. I could not party anymore because partying means getting high, that was out of question. The constant hanging out at our home ended abruptly too.          

I thought I was ready for motherhood, but the start of the process was so life altering that I felt out of control. Whenever I feel out of control I look within. I self-reflect. I spent time in silence (Apart from binge TV watching). I did a whole lot of that. And by the second trimester felt a little bit like myself. Such phases of depersonalisation, was what I was often consumed by all through the pregnancy. Then came the third trimester, the time of added worries about ‘something going wrong’ and ‘I hope I can carry them all the way’ and ‘do I really need a nanny?’

As I write I feel words have limited impact. How does one express the intensity of feelings with mere words?

Five days after completing 36 weeks of pregnancy, I was admitted for a planned delivery to one of the best hospitals (or so they say) of Bombay. It has not been easy for me to talk about my thoughts and feelings about my experience of motherhood with the fear of being judged. Whenever I did express my fears, concerns, or confusions I was told by most people something to the effect of ‘but that is how it is...just chill’ or ‘why don’t you just take it easy’ or ‘you need to enjoy this time’ or ‘you think a lot...go eat something you feel like’. Phew!! I still didn’t feel brave or chilled out or hungry. It seems now that I was constantly feeling not heard and understood. Why should that even be important to me at this stage in life which I couldn’t wait for to experience? I hope to find an answer through this task of self-reflection. But for now maybe it suffices to say I have this desire to be understood inspite of a not so perfect pregnancy, to be heard even though I possibly brought upon myself ‘negative’ thoughts, to share my unusual experiences mostly because I am not afraid of unusual, to question the media popular images of glowing expectant mothers smiling with joy or ordering their husbands to get them a mid night snack. The preconceived notions and images of pregnancies led to certain expectations that I could not live upto.  

I spent most of my husband-time holding his hand and asking him to fix the million pillows I slept with. And telling him all about the stressors of the pregnancy. And binge-TV watching.

Can I ask you to think about something?

How would you handle someone who ‘feels too much’? What would you say to such a person? If someone does not behave or feel the way MOST of the people in that situation would behave or feel, what would you think/feel about the person? How hard is it to be a non-judgemental person? Let me know what you have to say by putting in your comments and suggestions below :)