#I AM FREAKING OUT AHHHHHHHH

[blackjackkent]

Thankfully, we're able to take a short rest inside the Astral Sea before heading over to the skull (tm) to try and help out the guardian, which is good because Gale was sitting at a comfy 1 hit point.

I hope the rest of the team is doing okay back at camp. We kind of left them with a big githyanki problem.

(I actually briefly reloaded back to when I chugged that hill giant potion that then got lost, so I could keep it for these fights instead and actually try out Hector's Tavern Brawler feat properly. :P )

The Astral Sea definitely seems calm in comparison to the chaos they just left, especially given that the Absolute isn't screaming in their heads anymore, but there's still quite a lot going on, and a lot of it quite confusing.

Our first encounter is with a couple of githyanki who are in the process of beating up some illithid intellect devourers. So far so normal, but here's the weird part: the intellect devourers are listed as allies.

I'm starting to formulate a new theory on the fly that our guardian is a rogue mind flayer trying to take down the elder brain and using a disguise this whole time. Maybe she and Omeluum can be buddies.

(I'm not sure if I actually think this is true but I'm mentioning it here so if I turn out to be right I can look like a genius. XD )

This is going to be a rough fight when we get to the skull. These people hit just as hard as their counter parts in camp did. And I was feeling all proud of myself that I had fixed Hector's AC so he would be less squishy but he still kind of keeps getting flattened.

But FORWARD! TO THE SKULL!

Arriving on the skull, we see a battlefield full of dead intellect devourers and githyanki, as well as... this:

Um.

...Holy shit, was I right?

ARE YOU MY GUARDIAN, MR SQUID? O.O

I liked you better as a hot orc lady.

Whoever this "Emperor" is, he's standing there watching some githyanki fight some intellect devourers.

This then led to a VERY dramatic cutscene of all the githyanki and the emperor and the intellect devourers fighting for a bit.

Specifically, the githyanki seem to be trying to get at this one specific githyanki who is trapped in a smaller version of the rainbow shield that was wrapping the whole skull.

As Hector approaches, the light glowing in the trapped githyanki's eyes fades, and the others disappear, leaving only the Emperor sprawled on the ground where it fell after being struck.

"Before you do anything..." it growls. "I am your *ally.*"

The whole group goes utterly still. Hector feels his breath catch. He is no fool; he can see where this is leading - and he doesn't like it at all.

"We are in DANGER," the monster hisses.

"Oh, shit," mumbles Karlach at Hector's side. "A mind flayer."

The illithid crawls slowly to its feet, its eyes never leaving Hector's face.

"The githyanki is the source of our protection against the Absolute. I MUST subdue him, or everything we've worked towards is lost."

It takes a step towards Hector, who backpedals rapidly away before it can close with him. "Don't let my form deceive you," it groans out. "I am the one that's been protecting you. I am the one that came to you in your dreams. Help me."

Hector's heart is hammering like a drum in his ears. Deep down, on some level, he always knew that there was something more to the guardian than he was aware of... but this... he never imagined this.

He remembers Omeluum, the rogue mind flayer in the depths of the Underdark. It is possible for such a creature to have its own intentions beyond that of the hive mind... but to what end would this one help him for so long?

"Prove to me," he says unsteadily, "that you are who you say."

"You saved a child from a viper, back in the druids' grove." The creature's voice is ragged and rough, like sandpaper on wood. "You saved the aasmiar Nightsong from her soul cage."

A pause, and then it goes on, more quietly. "You let me live, last time you were here. Though it brought Vlaakith's wrath upon you."

Hector watches the creature's pale, glowing eyes with puzzlement. Withers said that mind flayers have no souls, that they are husks of creatures without spirit or emotion. But there is a pathos in both voice and expression here that he would not credit to an unthinking beast. He has seen it in the orcish disguise the illithid wore... and he sees it now.

"Your continued existence as yourself, and not a mind flayer, should be all the proof you need," the mind flayer goes on, and the intensity of desperation creeps into its voice now. "Now HELP ME!"

Hector swallows. This is madness, everything that is happening. And he has barely slept; he tossed and turned for hours, thinking of the city ahead, and had barely closed his eyes when the githyanki struck...

If it is true - and he suspects that it is - that this is the guardian who has protected him, then he has no choice. He had already been acutely aware that without her - it - he and the others would not survive the war ahead. That her face has changed into a monster does not make it less true.

"How do I help?" he asks hollowly.

"The guard," the mind flayer hisses. "Destroy the guard. They prevent me from subduing their master. Do it. NOW!"

The guard - the githyanki, presumably. Hector frowns. He wishes Lae'zel had come through the portal with him - or perhaps it is a very good thing that she did not. Either way, she will have some very strong opinions about the situation when she hears about it... if she is even still alive back in camp.

And the trapped githyanki in its cage... Hector wants to ask what he is doing there, what he is being subjected to, but there is no time, no time... Even after this massive revelation there are still more secrets, more uncertainties, and he is so tired of it...

But what choice does he have?

Join the mind flayer's fight.

A mind flayer cannot smile, and yet Hector believes he can see some strange flash of warmth in the creature's eyes as it inclines its head toward him.

"Together, we can turn the tide."

[lootkey]

the streets are saying that TTPD is more about Matty than Joe blah blah blah who cares the songs are going to fuck either way because it’s Taylor MF Swift ok

Can we talk about the last time a big poetry girlie wrote about him???? And he came back with “don’t fall in love with the moment and think you’re in love with the girl” AND “she’s american”????????? AS A FAN OF BOTH TAYLOR AND THE 1975 …. THE CHAOS THIS COULD BRING?!?!? I was there for badlands, I remember!!! I am unwell. Also could this please be a link for h and Taylor to go a collab PLZ I BEG.

[like-wuatafauq]

"Do you work well under pressure?"

*me going into anaphylactic shock as my roommate drives me to the hospital 25 minutes away*: hey----its----okay--- *grabs my roommate's hand* dont----worry---

My roommate: *panicking*

[fyorina]

ᡣ𐭩 SOMETIMES ALL I THINK ABOUT IS YOU (LATE NIGHTS IN THE MIDDLE OF JUNE)

FEATURING: dazai osamu

SUMMARY: realizing you have no idea when dazai's birthday is, you and chuuya embark on a massive quest to figure it out. and you do—but you also find out something far more worrying in the process, making you question if you ever really knew dazai osamu. the issue? you have no way of bringing it up to him. but you'll have to worry about that later anyway. first things first: you have to plan a birthday that dazai will never forget. {sfw, 14.8k}

AUTHOR'S NOTES: AHHHHHHHH HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY BOYYYYYYYY im so proud of how this fic came out genuinely its my favorite thing ive written to date. i hope you guys enjoy it as much as i enjoyed writing it (warnings: fem!reader, mostly fluff with some angst sprinkled in at the beginning and end)

“Hey, do you know when Dazai’s birthday is?” 

“Jesus fucking Christ, do you ever stop thinking about him?”

Your jaw drops as Chuuya lets out the loud complaint, head snapping to the side to focus on where he’s sitting in the chair at the tattoo parlor near headquarters, cheek pressed against the headrest, glaring at you as the artist continues to work on the right half of his upper back, finishing up the last section of the art spanning across his entire back. It’s his biggest one yet, you can hardly see an inch of unmarked skin—bright reds of camellia flowers and different types of animals and objects centered around the skull of a ram decorate his back. It’s beautiful, you have to acknowledge that, you don’t think you’ve ever seen such a stunning tattoo before and Chuuya is beyond pleased with how it’s turning out considering how he’s constantly pulling off his shirt to look at it in a mirror whenever he gets the chance.

To honor the Flags, he’d told you when he dragged you along for the first session. You didn’t know most of them—you’d worked with Lippmann a few times considering his job within the Mafia, and you’d met with Iceman to give him the rundown on targets that needed to be handled when Mori would send him to you in Kyoto, but that was about the extent of your interaction with them. Chuuya’d been closer to them—he didn’t like to talk about them at first, but he’s gradually been more and more open with it.

You think it’s because he’s afraid of forgetting them.

“You’re an asshole,” you snap after getting over the shock of his rude comment, turning your head away to look out the window.

Dazai evades the two of you whenever Chuuya has one of his sessions scheduled. You think it’s kind of funny, honestly; you know he does it because he hates pain and he knows that if he joins you guys, Chuuya will somehow goad him into getting a tattoo with a dare or a challenge that he won’t be able to back down from. So, instead, he makes excuses for missions that you both know damn well he doesn’t have.

“No, I don’t know,” he finally says irritably. “How the hell am I supposed to know?”

You give him an appalled look. “He’s your friend, and your partner. What do you mean you don’t know?”

“That bastard is not my friend,” Chuuya instantly hisses, but you can’t help but notice that he suddenly looks troubled by the realization that he doesn’t know Dazai’s birthday.

“Yeah, okay.” You roll your eyes, knowing damn well that it’s a blatant lie. “That’s a fucking lie if I’ve ever heard one.”

“Is not,” Chuuya spits.

“Is too.” 

Chuuya would have kept going with the back and forth, but he’s given a sharp look by the tattoo artist working on his shoulder and he settles down, but not before shooting you one last withering look.

“I bet he knows your birthday,” you add after a few moments of silence, just to trigger Chuuya again.

It works.

He lets out a noise more befitting of an animal, head snapping back to the side to look at you. “He definitely does n-” He cuts himself off before he can even finish the sentence, glaring at you. “That’s because that freak knows everything somehow.”

You only give him an easy shrug. “Just saying, it’s a bit…” You give him a twisted expression, nose wrinkled and lips pressed together rather than saying the word out loud, and Chuuya looks murderous. 

“It’s a bit what?” Chuuya demands. “You don’t know his birthday either.”

“I’m not his partner,” you counter to hide the fact that you are very bothered over not knowing his birthday.

“No, you’re just his girlfriend,” Chuuya says snidely.

Your face heats up. “I am not his girlfriend, Chuuya,” you scowl. “Shut up.”

“Yeah, okay,” Chuuya replies sarcastically, giving the tattoo artist an apologetic look when he gives the ginger another sharp warning with his eyes. “If Dazai wanted us to know his birthday, he would have told us. Y’know how secretive he gets over his personal life—he’d be shouting it off every rooftop if it was something he wanted us to do something about.”

You’re not quite as convinced.

At first glance, Dazai doesn’t shut up—he finds any and every reason to hear himself speak, whether it be random facts about crabs or ranking methods of suicide from least to most painful. Because of his tendency to run his mouth, most people don’t realize just how secretive he is about his personal life. You’ve realized that he probably uses it as a tactic to evade questions, because when people do poke and prod about his personal life, he becomes avoidant, expertly redirecting the conversation to something less personal by subtly changing the subject or pissing off whoever (Chuuya) is talking to him. You always catch it—conversation manipulation is your thing, you’ve finely honed your skills in guiding discussion to your discretion, it’s a skill that comes in handy at the negotiation table and in politics. You know he knows that you catch it too, always watching you carefully to ensure that you don’t call any attention to what he’s doing.

You don’t, of course, you’re not going to put him on the spot like that, but you don’t understand it. Well, you can to an extent—if you had random people prodding at your personal life, you’d also evade the topic. But you and Chuuya aren’t random people. You’re his friends, and you can’t for the life of you understand why he won’t open up to the two of you a little.

Every time you bring up the subject of him to him, he starts acting strange and cagey, like he knows that his evasion tactics won’t work with you and he wants to say something, but simply can’t get the words out. Maybe it’s his mistaken belief that he doesn’t deserve all of the things other people take for granted: comfort, friends, happiness. But still, you can’t imagine that Dazai doesn’t crave the experience of a normal birthday—well, as normal as things can get for teenage mafiosos—because you know that Dazai at his core simply wants to be a normal teenager.

As to why Dazai would rather deny himself happiness than to let you and Chuuya closer than arm's length? The answer alludes you even you.

When Chuuya grimaces, letting out a heavy breath and averting his gaze, you think that he’s come to the same conclusion as you.

“I assume since you’re bringing it up, you have some sort of plan?” Chuuya sighs, tired.

You smile.

“Naturally.”

You think Chuuya might kill you after this.

You can’t help but snort to yourself as you kneel on the floor next to Mori’s desk, rifling through his drawers to find the key to his file cabinet. Chuuya is somewhere downstairs trying to keep the man distracted with a fake medical condition while you try to find Dazai’s file in his office. You can hear him in the ear piece you’re wearing, flustered and stuttering over his words. You can almost picture how red his face is. 

Chuuya isn’t a bad liar, usually—in fact, he can act his ass off on missions—but lying to the Boss is an entirely different story. You think that you probably should have been the one to keep Mori distracted, but you worried that if Mori got up here and Chuuya was still searching, he wouldn’t be able to play it off. So, this was the lesser of two evils. 

Mori is getting increasingly more irritated as Chuuya keeps miswording the symptoms and backtracking, then blaming it on how ‘his head just hurts so bad, he can’t think.’ You’re sure he’s starting to suspect something—or more likely, the man probably figured it out right away—but you also know he’s too hyper-paranoid about losing his strongest ability user to dismiss Chuuya’s blatant lies for what they are.

You let out a victorious puff of air when your hand encloses around the key you’d been searching for, immediately shuffling over to the file cabinet, unlocking it as quickly as you can to shuffle through them, trying to find Dazai’s.

Mori has too many files, you think to yourself frustrated, eyes scanning as fast as you can as you flip through them, trying to spot the one you need, becoming increasingly more frantic when you hear Mori and Chuuya enter the elevator, not sure if they’re coming up to his office or if Mori’s dragging Chuuya down to one of the lower floor infirmaries.

Fuck, you think, finally flipping through to the D’s and letting out a frustrated groan when his file isn’t even there. You go through it again, more carefully this time, and nearly tug out your hair when you realize that either Mori misplaced Dazai’s file or there isn’t one. But you can’t imagine either of those options being true.

Getting increasingly more anxious as the seconds pass, and knowing that Chuuya actually will kill you if he embarrassed himself like this for nothing, you start rifling through the other letters in a panic. From the A’s all the way to the Z’s, it’s only on your second scan through that you pause, spotting a thick, unnamed file in the T section.

You stare at it for a moment, brows furrowed, a gut feeling twisting inside you as you try to pull out the file. It’s a struggle—the file is thick and the drawer is stuffed, but when you finally get it out and flip it open, your eyes widen when Dazai’s face stares back at you in the top left corner of the first paper in the file. He’s younger in the picture—no older than thirteen or fourteen—both eyes uncovered, black and void of life.

You let out a shaky breath, heart racing as your eyes scan dismissively over any information that’s not his birthday, because you know damn well Dazai will not take kindly to yours and Chuuya’s snooping and you want to mitigate the damage, only to halt when your gaze catches on blacked out information right above the date.

His name?

You pause, eyes focusing momentarily as you try to understand what you’re reading.

NAME:  ████████████████ 

ALIAS: Dazai Osamu

What?

You don’t know how long you stare at the file, lips parted and a torrent of emotions clawing at your chest. Mainly confusion, but also something else—tighter, more unwelcome. You don’t even have time to try to figure out what you’re looking at because at once, the remote in your pocket is buzzing, the last signal from Chuuya that Mori is on the floor of his office.

You let out a string of curses, putting the file back where you found it, locking the cabinet and putting the key back before darting to the other side of the desk. You mask the confusion and nerves rattling your mind and body with an irritated expression just as the door opens.

“… ggest that you take some time to rest, Chuuya-kun. Physically, there is nothing wrong with you.”

You look over your shoulder, eyes meeting Mori’s as you frown deeply. “You’re late,” you say. “I’ve been waiting here for ten minutes.”

“Ah, apologies, I’m afraid young Chuuya-kun has spent the past twenty minutes following me around with nonexistent health issues,” Mori replies with a thin smile, purple eyes carding over you before he looks around his office curiously, as if he knows you’d been up to something but doesn’t know what. Chuuya cringes next to him and gives you a withering look, he opens his mouth to protest but Mori is speaking again before he can get anything out. “What did you want to discuss?”

“I’ve been keeping an eye on the situation in Vladivostok,” you say, eyes following Mori, waiting for him to sit down so you can. You watch as he glances around his desk, as if trying to figure out what you’d been doing before he showed up. You almost smile when his eyes narrow after coming empty handed. “I think it would be in our best interest…” 

As you sit down across from Mori, you slip your hands behind your back, giving Chuuya a thumbs up, letting him know that his humiliation was not in vain.

Step one, complete. June 19th.

“I will never fucking forgive you for that,” Chuuya hisses when the two of you finally leave Mori’s office. “Never. That was humiliating.”

You snort. “It was pretty bad.”

“Fuck you,” Chuuya snaps. His face is still on fire, has been for the past twenty minutes as you explained your plan for the new organization rising to power in eastern Russia. “Well? When is his birthday?”

You cringe and Chuuya is instantly glowering at you. “Don’t even tell me you didn’t find it. You gave me the thumbs up. I’ll-”

“No, I got it,” you say dismissively. 

That’s not what you’re cringing over—you’re cringing for two reasons: 1) his birthday is less than five days away and you have no idea how the two of you are going to figure something out before then, and 2) the reminder of Dazai’s file, its misplaced location and the blacked out information where his name should have been, the alias labeling what you thought was his real name.

Your lips part to bring it up to Chuuya, but you hesitate because you don’t know if you should. The last thing you want to do is upset Dazai because you let something out that he didn't want anyone to know.

“Well?” Chuuya demands. “What is it?”

“June 19th,” you say, watching as Chuuya blanches. “Yeah, I know.”

“What the fuck are we supposed to do in four days?” Chuuya hisses, grabbing your shoulder and forcing you to look at him. “I don’t even know what that bastard would want.”

You’re just as lost, grimacing as you rub the back of your neck. “I don’t know,” you admit. “Dazai never really… wants for anything.”

You stare ahead listlessly, leaning against the elevator wall as the two of you head down to the first floor. Dazai likes playing video games, but he gets bored of them quickly. His room is stacked with games he’s played once and then tossed to the side. He likes crab, but you’re not going to get him canned crab for his birthday. He likes suicide, and you’re pretty sure a new edition of that wretched book of his came out, but you also don’t want to get him that for, well, obvious reasons.

“Maybe we can get him a pet crab?” Chuuya frowns.

“He’ll kill it,” you dismiss, “and then he’ll spend months whining over it. And blaming us.”

“Fair enough.”

The elevator door slides open as the two of you reach the bottom floor, and you watch as the subordinates meandering about incline their heads toward the two of you as you pass by. You only absently wave them off, mind racing as you try to figure out what to do for Dazai’s birthday. Crab, suicide, video games—what else could Dazai possibly like?

You think the only other thing is-

Oh. Oh. You have an idea.

A smile spreads across your face. “Chuuya,” you say, relieved, “I have the best idea-”

“There you guys are,” Dazai’s familiar voice rings from the right, and immediately, Chuuya gives you a sharp, panicked look and you shut your mouth, stiffening. “I was…”

Dazai trails off, and you briefly shut your eyes, because wow, that was entirely unsubtle. Dazai’s smile is more strained now and the shine in his dark eye fades, the palpable excitement withers away in a matter of seconds.

Fuck.

“I see,” Dazai says, voice cool and withdrawn. “You guys are busy. It wasn’t important anyway.”

“Dazai,” you call after him, taking a few steps, but the boy has already whirled around, stalking off the way he came. He ignores your call of his name. “Shit.”

“He totally took that the wrong way,” Chuuya says, as if that wasn’t obvious.

“How astute, Chuuya,” you say dryly, chest tight as Dazai disappears around the corner.

“You know, for someone who brags about not needing anyone, he’s pretty fucking sensitive,” Chuuya notes.

“Don’t be a fucking asshole, Chuuya,” you snap at him, but the redhead only shrugs carelessly in response.

“It’s the truth. Anyway, what was your idea?” 

Even with the weight of Dazai clearly being upset heavy on your chest, the reminder of your idea for his birthday still causes a sly smile to spread across your lips.

“You’re gonna love this.”

Not only was Dazai upset, but he was upset enough that he hasn’t come back to your apartment in three and a half days. You figure he must be back at his shipping container, or maybe staying with those other friends of his, but you feel lonely without him. It’s weird not coming back to your apartment to find him lounging on your couch eating your favorite snacks; it’s different when he has missions and can’t be here, right now? He’s choosing to not be here, and that makes you feel gross and uncomfortable.

You feel bad, and no matter how many times Chuuya tells you to look on the bright side—that you guys can plan his birthday without him constantly hovering, figuring out what the two of you are doing—it just makes you feel worse. 

You’re sitting in your apartment waiting for Chuuya when the elevator bings, signaling someone coming up to your apartment—and considering there’s only two people who the front desk let up without your explicit permission, and one of them is still dealing with issues at one of the ports, which flooded from all of the rain the past few days, there’s only one person who it can be.

Your eyes widen as your head snaps up, looking to the elevator as the doors slide open, revealing Dazai fumbling with something in his jacket as he steps out. He doesn’t even notice you until you rise to your feet, and when he does, he’s instantly guarded. 

“You’re supposed to be on a mission,” he accuses, voice low.

You’re a bit hurt that Dazai only showed up to your apartment because he thought you wouldn’t be here but you mask it with a tilt of your head and a curious expression.

“I am on a mission,” you say, and it’s not a lie—the mission is finalizing the plans for Dazai’s birthday, step two starts in four hours and you need to confirm things with Chuuya before it begins. What awful timing, you realize mournfully, because you do want to smooth things out with Dazai but right now you can’t afford to. “It’s one I can do at home.”

Dazai makes a dismissive noise in the back of his throat, gaze focusing on the folders laid out in front of you. Closed, luckily, you’d been skimming through one but you got bored while waiting for Chuuya and decided to scroll on your phone.

“I only came to pick up my other jacket,” Dazai finally says, voice still cold and distant—you hate it.

Your eyes track down to Dazai’s coat, noticing the blood that’s dripping from it onto your wood floor.

You cringe, but then extend an olive branch by asking, “Want me to throw it in the wash?”

Dazai hesitates, a reluctant expression crossing his face but he nods, slipping it off his shoulders and padding over to you slowly, handing it to you carefully so as to not get the blood on your couch. Your fingers brush his as he does and your throat spasms a bit.

Dazai draws back quickly, but then he looks down at the files in front of you, and then back to you and asks, “… Want help with that?”

Shit.

This is Dazai’s olive branch, and you have to reject it. Because then he’ll realize this is no mission, and all of the plans for his birthday will go to waste.

“Nah,” you say easily. “It’s fine. It’s quick, where were you heading out to?”

Dazai looks a little put out by your rejection, but he doesn’t look too bothered, so he probably took your lie as truth.

“Bar Lupin.”

You roll your eyes.

Dazai gives you a dirty look.

“I don’t know why you get so jealous about them,” Dazai says pettily, obviously trying to get a retaliatory dig in for whatever wound he thinks he received the other day. Your eye twitches at the accusation. “I knew Odasaku before you.”

You pause at that.

Does Oda know Dazai’s real name? You’re hit with a wave of vicious jealousy, and faced once again with the back and forth you’ve been dealing with the past three days—do you really know Dazai? He’s always hid a lot from you, you knew that, but to realize that you only know him by an alias… You don’t understand it—is it by choice? Does he just no longer want to associate with that name? If that’s the case, then you don’t even want to ask and make him uncomfortable. 

But what if it’s not? What if Dazai Osamu is just a fake persona he’s built to hide his real self? You doubt he’s a spy, Mori would obviously know but… if it was Mori that forced him to take on a new name and identity? If he wants to let people in but can’t? You remember all of the times when you ask him things and he stares at you as if he wants to answer but doesn’t know how.

“You shouldn’t think too much, your small brain will implode.”

“Fuck you.”

Drawn from your thoughts, you glare at Dazai, who only gives you a simpering smile in return, eye regaining that little bit of shine it’d lost when he ran into you and Chuuya that day. Then he hesitates again and you raise your eyebrows.

“I’ll call things off with Odasaku and Ango? … You picked out that movie last week, we never watched it. We can watch it after you finish up?” His voice is quiet, uncertain and you feel like a cunt, because you have no way of saying no without being a cunt. 

You’d already told him that the mission wouldn’t take long, so you can’t use that as an excuse. You think maybe you should just call off tonight with Chuuya, meet at his apartment later on to try to get things for dawn, when everything is to take place. It would be risky, you don’t know if you can pull off such an elaborate scheme with such little preparation and Dazai, of all people, as the target, but you think you’d rather risk that then say no to him right now. 

Your lips part to agree, mind already racing trying to figure out how to get all the folders out of here before his nosy ass can peak at one of them, but you’re interrupted by your elevator binging. Again.

Oh, fuck.

Dazai stills as his gaze cuts backward, eye sharp as the elevator doors slide open and reveal an irritated Chuuya, soaked up to the waist and covered in mud.

“Fucking hell,” Chuuya seethes. “I’m never helping out at the ports again. They’re fucking incompetent, I-”

Chuuya pauses when he sees Dazai. Dazai doesn’t budge. For a split second, not a single one of you dares to move. You can see the quick cogs within Dazai’s mind turning as he pieces together an answer—why you didn’t accept his help, why you took so long to respond. Dread piles in your stomach as you try to figure out what to say only to come up empty-handed. For someone known for a quick tongue and sharp brain, you always somehow find them failing you when faced with conflict with Dazai. 

Finally, Dazai breaks the silence with a cool smile and a mirthful look in his eye, glancing back at you.

“That’s why you wanted me out of here. Okay.” He leaves no room for questions, doesn’t even bother to go into his bedroom to grab his other jacket before stalking forward and entering the elevator Chuuya just came out of, not even acknowledging his partner before smacking the button to the first floor.

“Dazai!” you call after him, taking a few steps toward the elevator but he only turns his chin as the doors slide shut. You shout after him angrily, “And you say I’m the jealous one!” but you doubt he even heard it.

“That bastard has the worst fucking timing ever,” Chuuya says as soon as he’s gone, unperturbed.

You give Chuuya a withering look, wanting to curl up on your couch and die. So you do that. The weight on your chest that had only just finally started to relieve itself from you returns with a vengeance, and you suddenly feel like you want to cry, unsure of how everything has gone so wrong the past few days when you just want to do something nice for him. You tuck your knees to your chest and wrap your arms around them, placing your chin on top of them.

“Relax,” Chuuya says, tossing himself onto the couch next to you; you don’t even have it in you to be annoyed by the water and mud, shoulders slumping as he tosses an arm around you and lets you lean into him. “It’ll be fine. Blockhead won’t even know what hit him tomorrow. C’mon, let’s get this finished so we’re ready to go.”

“… You want us to… kidnap the Demon Prodigy?”

Your subordinates stare, expressions pale and aghast as they share looks with one another. You stand resolute, head held high, and Chuuya raises his eyebrows next to you. Your eye twitches at the moniker that follows Dazai everywhere.

“That’s what we said, yes,” you say, frowning. “Was I unclear?”

“No, hime-” You roll your eyes at yet another one of Mori’s ghastly titles.

He must find it quite amusing, pleased with himself every time he watches you turn green with disgust when he insists on using the term. Even worse, it seems he’s somehow managed to coax your subordinates into using the shitty moniker too. The old man must really enjoy pissing you off, he’s certainly very skilled at it. 

Your lip curls up in irritation when your subordinate continues.

“It’s just-what if-”

“You will not be punished for targeting an executive,” you say dismissively. “I’ll make sure of that.”

“We fear that the Demon Prodigy will… draw his gun when threatened,” the man continues, grimacing as if trying to choose his words carefully. You don’t recognize him—you think you should probably get to know your subordinates better, you’ve left most dealings with them to your partner, Itou… who you also have to get in contact with for this plan to work. You wince, realizing you still have much more to do within the next few hours. “How should we proceed if he does?” 

“Dazai probably will.” You stress his name, giving the man a withering look. To his credit, he winces and looks away. “But he will also be drunk, and slower, taken off guard, so you will… Well, I suppose you wouldn’t have the advantage over even a drunk and surprised Dazai, but there are more of you, so there’s that.”

“Way to inspire confidence,” Chuuya mutters dryly.

You shrug, “I’m not going to delude them before sending them out. They should be prepared to take a bullet or two. Hopefully nonlethal—you have bullet proof vests.”

“You’re fucked up,” Chuuya snorts, before turning his attention to the dozen or so gathered subordinates. “There will be minimal risk, and remember, nobody is to know about this. Nobody. Not even the other executives, or the Boss.”

“Especially not the Boss,” you add. “For the next day and a half, you’re relieved of duties. Go back to your families, or get shit-faced drunk, but don’t come back to headquarters. Under any circumstances. Clear?” 

The men exchange looks with one another, uncertain. “And if he draws his gun?” the man prods again. 

You share a look with Chuuya from the corner of your eye. “He’s not to be injured,” you finally say, voice firm, not leaving any room for doubt. “Under any circumstances. Inject him with this, you’ll be fine.”

You pull from your pocket a sedative that you’d pocketed from Mori’s office before, dangling it in front of them, waiting for one of them to reach out and take it. When they do, you lean back on your heels and look at them.

“This has to be successful,” you tell them, finally starting to feel the pinpricks of anxiety run through your chest the closer it gets to go-time. Dazai is so mad at you right now, and if this fails, it’ll make things ten times worse. Failure isn’t an option—it never is, but especially not now. “I won’t accept anything less.”

“Yes ma’am,” one of your subordinates murmurs and the rest echo, half of them look as if they’re marching off to their death and you absently make yourself a note to give them a big bonus this month. “Can we at least know why we’re kidnapping the De-Executive Dazai?” 

You smile. 

“It’s his birthday gift.”

Dazai is in a bad mood.

Oda watches curiously as the boy downs his seventh (eighth?) drink, wondering if he should tell him to slow down. From the corner of his eye, he sees Ango cringing, lips parted as if to speak but then reconsidering as he shakes his head and takes a sip of his own alcohol, looking thoroughly concerned. Dazai hasn’t said a word since he showed up two hours ago in a foul mood, and every time Oda opens his mouth to ask, Ango gives him the sharpest look and Oda instantly shuts his mouth.

“I think the slug is dating-” Dazai finally speaks, voice rough, right hand clenched around his glass of whiskey. It’s as if he can’t even bring himself to say the words and Oda’s eyes narrow as he studies him, trying to figure out what’s wrong. “I think the slug is dating… her.”

Her. He must mean you. You’re pretty much the only ‘her’ that Dazai ever refers to—goes on about you nonstop whenever he gets a few drinks in him.

“That’s nice,” Oda says without thinking, until he sees the horrified look cast his way by Ango. “That’s awful.”

“It is awful,” Dazai agrees with a hiss. “It’s awful. I hate it. It’s disgusting.”

Oh, Oda realizes, a bit more amused, grateful that Dazai is too busy glaring into his drink to see the smile that curls to the corner of his lips. Oda had suspected that Dazai has a crush on you just from the way he talks about you—going from long winded rants of how agonizing you are to live with (as if he doesn’t actively choose to live with you) to wistful recounts admiring your missions (although those quickly shift into rants, as if Dazai catches himself yearning and has to make up for it by acting like it never happened). 

Oda and Ango realized that Dazai was obsessed with you months ago—back before the Dragon’s Head Conflict even ended, not long after you showed up, actually, when he first started talking about you. Oda assumed that it was a kiddie crush that he’d grow out of, but here he is a year later, just as infatuated—if not more so.

Cute.

“What-” Ango begins only for his voice to waver, glaring at Oda when he sees the smile on the man’s lips. He sighs, pressing his fingers to the bridge of his nose before retrying. “What makes you think they’re dating?” 

“The other day I went looking for them and I found them together, and I was gonna ask them to go to the arcade with me, but as soon as they saw me, they got all stiff and uncomfortable like they didn’t want me there.” 

Dazai almost sounds hurt by it—words strung out a bit long, lips curved down. It’s not often that Oda gets to see him act like the sixteen (seventeen now? Oda realizes he doesn’t even know the boy’s age and makes a note to ask) year old that he is, and while it’s unfortunate that this one is stemmed by him feeling rejected by his friends, he also can’t help but smile at it. Which Ango catches from the appalled look that the other man gives him.

Oda smothers the smile again instantly.

“That doesn’t mean that they’re dating,” Ango begins, trying to be reasonable, but is cut off when Dazai tosses him a sharp glare.

“And then,” Dazai continues, “I went home before because I thought she was going to be on a mission, but she was there working on it, and I offered to help her with it so she could finish faster, but she said no. And I didn’t think anything of it, but then I said I was going to reschedule with you guys for another day so we could watch a movie, and she didn’t respond at first, and I thought that was weird, and then guess what? The slug showed up. She was blowing me off to hang out with him.”

Wow, Oda thinks to himself. That’s a lot to break down. 

Home. Oda is careful this time to not let his lips quirk up into a smile but it’s impossible to hide the fond look in his eyes as he looks down at a sulking Dazai, who has slumped over the bar top, absently playing with the spherical ice in his drink. Oda has never heard Dazai refer to anything as home before. His shipping container had always just been the shipping container, and up until, well, today, your apartment had always just been your apartment. Ango catches the wording too from the way his eyes widen a bit.

And then on top of that, Dazai? Offering to help someone with work? Oda thinks there’s a better chance of fire raining from the sky. Oda is realizing that this really is more than a kiddie crush—not that Dazai would probably ever acknowledge that. Oda wonders if he should help him get there. 

“That doesn’t mean they’re dating,” Oda finally says, taking a sip of his drink and ignoring the way Ango gives him a side eye, focusing instead on how Dazai turns his head to the side to look at Oda. If Oda didn’t know any better, he’d say the boy is pouting. “They might be planning something for you, don’t want you around for it. You had that mission recently, didn’t you? The one everyone said would fail?”

Oda realizes, a bit too late, that if that is the case, he just ruined the surprise and silently apologies for it. But Dazai doesn’t seem to take him seriously anyway, rolling his eye as he returns to bouncing the ice in the glass.

“Yeah, right,” he says dryly. “No one does anything like that for me.”

Oda purses his lips, not responding, and Ango sighs as he looks away. Oda tries to figure out what to say, testing some words on his tongue but they all feel wrong.

Finally, he chooses to just be blunt. “Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”

The noise Ango lets out is all but a whimper, he buries his face in his hands as if to disappear. Dazai’s gaze cuts to the side, head turning slowly as he focuses on Oda.

“What?”

Oda thinks maybe he should stop talking, but he doesn’t, naturally. “Y’know—you could just tell her how you feel,” Oda repeats, seeing the way Ango is shaking his head frantically but he continues anyway. “Telling her would save you from doing this once a week.”

“There’s nothing to tell,” Dazai says icily, taking a tone that he rarely uses with Oda as he pushes himself off of the barstool and turns to leave. “I’ve had too much to drink. I’m heading out for the night.”

Dazai doesn’t wait for either one of them to say goodbye as he all but storms out of the bar. Oda sighs, taking a sip of his own drink.

“That could have gone better.”

Ango slaps the back of his head hard.

“I can’t stand you sometimes.”

“Alright, it’s time.”

You watch the live CCTV cameras from the sleek black car you and Chuuya are huddled in. Your partner, Itou, sits in the front seat, rubbing his temples as he spares you guys a short look. You raise your eyebrows at him but he only shakes his head.

“I don’t know what goes through your head sometimes,” he tells you, tired. “I want no part in this beyond this right here.”

“You’re no fun,” you say, squinting at him, “and we still need you to get the footage from the headquarters.”

Itou sighs so heavily that you think he might be trying to expel his lungs from his body. He glares at you from the corner of his eye. “Nothing beyond that. You’re insane for this. You’re going to get us all thrown in the torture chambers.”

“Relax, don’t be so serious. It makes you ugly. You’ll be fine,” you complain, focusing back down on Chuuya’s laptop, straightening as Dazai finally comes into view on the screen. 

You and Chuuya exchange an excited look with one another, a smile twitching onto your lips as you wait for the scene to unfold. You pointedly ignore the noise Itou makes when he notices how thrilled the two of you are at the prospect of kidnapping Dazai—but Itou doesn’t get it, he doesn’t know Dazai. Dazai will love this, and he’ll love it even more when you get your hands on the footage of Mori’s and Kouyou’s reactions to the kidnapping.

You’ve got your subordinates disguised impeccably as members of a low-rung gang that’s been trying to make moves into the northern wards of Yokohama. You had a meeting with them a few days ago to determine whether they’d be worth absorbing or if Mori should just send Dazai and Chuuya to deal with them. You decided on the latter, and the two of them are supposed to go in and exterminate them next weekend.

You figured they would be the perfect cover to pose as Dazai’s “kidnappers.” They’ve been aggressive and violent in Port Mafia territory, making increasingly larger steps into the Naka Ward. You were honestly curious to see how far they’ll try to go, but you doubt Mori will let it get any farther than he has already anyway, so you thought you might as well get some use out of them to stage a realistic-looking kidnapping.

You think Mori will probably assume this was intentional at first when he gets the report. He’ll call you and Chuuya, the two of you will act bitter and angry as if you’re not on speaking terms with Dazai currently—which, you suppose it’s for the best that he stormed away from the two of you that day in headquarters, because it’ll make it seem legit—you’ll hang up and tell him that you’re busy for the night, tell him not to bother you again. 

When Mori realizes that neither you or Chuuya know what’s going on, he’ll start to get suspicious. He’ll seek out the tapes and see Dazai drunk and lost in thought wandering home, see the way he genuinely struggles against his “captors” before being knocked out—none of the casual arrogance he usually has when getting himself captured by the enemy—and then? Then, you don’t know how Mori will react. You assume that he’ll call you and Chuuya again, get the two of you on it, but by that point, your phones will be off.

You’re giddy as you, again, focus back on the screen, watching as Dazai meanders down the street. His movements are slow and unsteady, and your giddiness fades when you see the downcast expression on his face. It’s hard to tell from the footage, but he’s clearly bothered about something. You wonder if he’s that pissed about what happened earlier, or if something else happened with his other friends—he’s usually at Bar Lupin for at least another two hours.

“Okay,” Chuuya says into his earpiece. “Begin stage one of the operation.”

“He looks kind of upset, doesn’t he?” you murmur when Chuuya takes his fingers off the button on the earpiece.

Chuuya rolls his eyes. “He’ll be fine.”

You ignore the curious, knowing look that Itou gives you through the rearview mirror and instead tunnel your vision onto the laptop screen… although you find you don’t really want to look at that either. You grimace as your subordinates finally make their move—and it’s testament to how lost in his own thoughts he is because Dazai hardly notices what’s happening until they’re on him.

He goes for his gun instantly, but your subordinate—Kirishima, you learned his name was—is quick to disarm him, knocking the gun out of his hands and reaching for his arm. Dazai is still swift on his feet, nimble even with a dubious amount of alcohol in him. He’s able to worm out of Kirishima’s grip, darting backward. The expression on his face is lethal, gaze cold as he tries to assess his situation, and you watch as the realization that he might be in trouble finally hits.

Just as Kirishima is about to motion for two of the others to go for him again. Dazai slips his phone out of his pocket and dials a number.

“Fuck!” Chuuya spits. “If he calls the Boss-”

But Dazai evidently did not call the Boss, which would have been the smartest decision on his part considering Mori would have gotten one of Verlaine’s special ops units to him within a max of three minutes, because after a second, your phone starts ringing.

Oh.

You stare at it, heart lodged in your throat, unsure of what to do.

“Shit,” Chuuya says, just as caught off guard. “I didn’t think he’d call you. You can’t pick up.”

You shoot Chuuya an accusatory look. “I have to pick up,” you hiss. “He called me when he actually thought he was in trouble. I can’t just ignore him, that’s fucked up.”

“We staged the kidnapping, it’s already fucked up,” Chuuya snaps right back, “and he can read your ass like a book. If you pick up, that bastard will figure out it’s us.”

“Chuuya,” you bristle, ready to ignore him and reach for your phone but he’s quicker than you, arm darting forward to grab your phone before throwing it out the window. You stare at him horrified, “Chuuya!”

You think you might throw up when you watch Dazai take one last glance at his phone before an unreadable expression crosses his face. He elbows one of them hard in the gut to get away, but Kirishima is on him with the sedative before he can make a run for it. Dazai grimaces when he feels the pinprick in his neck, and you finally look away when he slumps over onto the ground.

“Don’t start feeling bad now,” Chuuya says, glaring at you. “What did you think would happen?” 

“I don’t feel bad,” you lie, and when Chuuya gives you a doubtful look, you sigh and say, “He just looked so…”

Human. 

He looked surprised, uncertain—it’s rare for Dazai Osamu to be caught off guard by anything. You think in the year or so that you’ve known him, you’ve only ever seen him genuinely thrown off like this once, and it was when the Colonel’s operation against the Bishop’s Staff went haywire during the Dragon’s Head Conflict and you got caught in the crossfire, captured by the enemy.

You’ve always been of the belief that Dazai is one of the most human people you’ve ever met. You’ve fought people over it, you’ve fought him over it. The issue is that he’s also ridiculously intelligent, likes to portray himself as inhuman, be it to intimidate his subordinates or enemies or to fulfill whatever fucked up image he has of himself, you don’t know, but he’s good at it. It’s only when he’s put into situations like this, where he’s got no shot of keeping up his mask, surprised and trying to push away the rising panic when he realizes that there’s no way to think, talk or fight his way out of a situation, that you really see his humanity. It’s stark compared to his usual demeanor, almost palpable.

You sit there simmering in your own thoughts until Kirishima knocks hard on the window to the car. Dazai looks small in his arms—he’s tall, but thin and lanky because he doesn’t eat properly no matter how much Chuuya belittles him for it and you try to get him to eat. His frame is small, and it’s especially apparent without his coat to create the illusion of a larger stature, when his face is lax, visible eye slid shut as he lays limp and unconscious in his arms.

You push open the door and Kirishima bends down to shuffle Dazai into the car with you. His body slumps against you, head falling onto your shoulder and you push your lip out a bit as you reach up to brush his hair out of his face.

“The sedatives?” Chuuya asks, leaning around you to focus on Kirishima.

Kirishima lifts the empty syringe, glancing at Chuuya before focusing on you. “Are we free to go, hime?”

You scowl at the nickname but you nod, more focused on shifting Dazai into a comfortable position. “Go get drunk or go to your families, I don’t care. Don’t come back to headquarters ‘til Monday, but be there early, we’ve got a mission.”

“Yes ma’am,” Kirishima replies, inclining his head to you before shutting the car door and leaving.

As soon as the door shuts, you sigh and let Dazai’s body fall over, head resting in your lap. He looks so completely at peace that you almost forget that it’s because he’s been drugged. He never sleeps well, even now that he’s staying at your place—you hear him wandering around at night, restless, and the few nights he does sleep, he seems to be plagued with nightmares. You rest your hand on his hair and absently brush your fingers through his damp locks before turning to look at Chuuya, who’s watching you with an expression nothing short of judgmental.

“What?” you demand.

“Nothing.” Chuuya rolls his eyes. “How long do you think the sedative will last?” 

“It’s a pretty high dosage,” you say with a frown, looking down at Dazai. “But Dazai’s got some mutant metabolism. Remember when he walked off a whole ass horse tranquilizer during Dragon’s Head. I give it like four hours max.”

“We need to get moving then,” Chuuya sighs, and you nod.

You lean over the center console and give Itou a sweet smile, careful to not jostle Dazai around too much.

“I’ll drive you there, but then I’m gone,” Itou sighs, giving you one last warning look before he puts the car in drive. “Don’t involve me in this any further.”

“Thank you, Itou,” you coo, sharing one last look with Chuuya before letting out a sigh and turning your attention back down to Dazai, gaze lingering and a soft smile on your face.

Chuuya makes a noise of disgust in the back of his throat.

You ignore it.

The beach house the two of you have usurped for the weekend is nicer than you could’ve imagined. You don’t know how Itou found it for the two of you, maybe a friend of his—you’ve found that he has friends everywhere, it’s been quite handy for when you have to deal with politics—or maybe he killed someone for it, you really can’t be sure with him. It’s a neat little place south of Higashikoiso, a little over an hour out of Yokohama—the house is near a cliff overlooking the sea, with an easy path down toward the beach.

There are only three bedrooms though, which is unfortunate considering you and Chuuya plan to coerce Dazai’s other friends into showing up. You might not be the fondest of them for petty reasons, but you think Dazai would like that, so you’ll bite your tongue and suffer through it. Either way, three or four people are going to have to share rooms depending on the set up and you’re fully intent on not being one of them; you already have your argument that you’re the only girl in the house and you think it will be solid enough, unless Dazai decides to be stubborn. 

“This is kind of fucked up,” you note while setting the scene.

Dazai is still unconscious, it’s only been an hour and a half so you should have some time before he wakes up, but you want to get this done as quickly as possible, because you don’t want him to wake up while you and Chuuya are halfway finished to setting up the room to make it look like a ransom scene.

“This is definitely fucked up,” you correct, but you’re smiling as you finish up typing the ropes around Dazai’s wrists, sitting him up in a rickety wooden chair.

You and Chuuya had dragged him down to the basement—Itou had luckily had some interrogation tools in the trunk of his car, and was not inclined to ask any questions when you asked for them, passing them over to you with the most concerned expression you’d ever seen on the nineteen-year-old’s face.

The basement looks like any average torture chamber—stone walls, damp and dingy, so it’s easy for you and Chuuya to transform it into an acceptable backdrop for your picture. You adjust Dazai in the seat again, fingers ghosting over his neck from where his head is falling forward, hoping he’s not too uncomfortable.

“This is your idea,” Chuuya shoots back, tilting his head to the side with a frown as he examines the scene. “He’s not roughed up enough. We’ve gotta do something, did you bring makeup with you?”

“No,” you admit, rubbing the back of your neck before an idea pops in your head.

You slink over to Chuuya and grab the knife that he carries at his side, ignoring the perturbed look on his face as he instantly takes a step away. Making your way back over to Dazai, you grimace as you cut the palm of your hand, smearing some blood on Dazai’s face and shirt to make it seem as if he’s been roughed up. You readjust the ropes, tighten them a little more and make sure some of your blood drips down onto the floor above where Dazai’s face is hanging before you take a step back to admire your handiwork before turning to your accomplice.

“... Do you have the burner phone?” you ask Chuuya, wrapping your hand with cloth, figuring you’ll just bandage it up later. 

He rolls his eyes. “Obviously.”

“Take the picture,” you tell him, stepping out of the way to hover over his shoulder, watching as Chuuya squints his eyes and tries to angle it properly so Dazai looks as in bad shape as possible. 

When he’s finally satisfied, he looks to you. Your lips curve up, “I’ll read off the number of that friend of his, you type it in. This’ll get them here for sure.”

As you do that, Chuuya starts snickering, clearly as entertained by this whole situation as you are. “You’re fucking psychotic for this, y’know?” he says, typing out the message to be attached with the image before pressing send and tossing the phone away.

“You helped me,” you accuse, but you're grinning, giddy again as you grab a towel to wipe the blood off of Dazai, pulling off the ropes and forcing Chuuya to help him back to the couch where he can be comfortable.

“Yeah, but it was your idea, you crazy bitch,” Chuuya tells you again with another snort. “What do we do now?”

“Wait.”

Everything happens at once.

Sakaguchi Ango and Oda Sakunosuke get to the beach house much sooner than you thought they would, and Dazai starts stirring an hour earlier than you expected—mutant metabolism, you think again. Luckily, it all happens at around the same time, so you get to see all of their reactions at once.

Neither Sakaguchi nor Oda have made a move into the house, probably trying to figure out the best course of action. Dazai still hasn’t woken up, curled up on the couch while you and Chuuya play cards at the table in front of him, sitting cross-legged on the floor. You’re winning, of course, and Chuuya is becoming increasingly more frustrated from the way he keeps slamming his cards down onto the coffee table.

“They’re about to come in,” Chuuya says, giving you a withering look as tosses his cards across the table—another losing hand. You give him a smug smile and Chuuya bares his teeth at you. “Come here.”

You sigh as you shuffle over around the table so that he can put his hand on your shoulder, ready to activate the Tainted Sorrow in case Sakaguchi and Oda come in guns blazing. On the couch, Dazai starts to shift, a low groan escaping his lips, and your eyes draw back to him, focusing on his face and the way his brows are furrowed and his lips are turned down.

“Here they are,” Chuuya hums, lips quirking up into a sharp smile. “Ready?”

“Yup,” you agree, popping the ‘p’ as you lean back on your hands and stare at the door. “How long do you think it’ll take them to actually open the door?”

“I give it five more seconds,” Chuuya snorts, and you shiver when you feel the familiar sensation of the Tainted Sorrow spreading across your body, an impenetrable barrier to protect you from whatever may come your way.

Just as Chuuya predicts, five seconds later, the front door is kicked open. You frown, hoping that they didn’t break it off of the hinges, because you don't want to hear Itou bitching about it later on. Oda Sakunosuke comes in first, gun steady and finger on the trigger, but the man is cautious and tilts his head to the side when his eyes fall upon you and Chuuya.

“What is it?” Sakaguchi asks from behind the other man, taking a step into the beach house to follow Oda’s gaze to you and Chuuya. “I-what?”

“Sakaguchi,” you say, lifting your hand to wag your fingers; maybe you’re a bit petty when you don’t acknowledge Oda. “Long time no see. I was grateful for your help when dealing with Nishiki and his cronies.”

“I, ah, hime-” You sigh at the moniker, eyes fluttering shut. “What is… going on? We got a picture and a…”

Sakaguchi trails off when he sees Dazai stirring on the couch, and you turn your attention toward him. You watch as he finally lifts his arm to rub his eyes, sluggish and slow. After a split second passes, you notice him stiffen, as if remembering what happened, and his eyes shoot open, cold and sharp.

You smile. “Good morning, Sleeping Beauty,” you coo. “Took you long enough.”

The icy mask slips away into genuine confusion, his brows furrow and his lips part. Next to you, Chuuya snorts, “Now, that’s a fucking sight. I almost want to take a picture.”

“What…” Dazai begins, then notices Oda and Sakaguchi still standing near the front door, blinking a few times. “What is going on?”

You’re sure that must’ve been the most painful question for Dazai Osamu to ask—admitting he has no idea what’s happening. Chuuya snickers and Dazai shoots him a contemptuous look, diluted by the fact that he still looks half out of it from the sedative.

“Yes,” Sakaguchi asks dryly, “what is going on?”

You smile proudly and then say, “We kidnapped you. Seemed pretty realistic, didn’t it? Bet you didn’t see that coming.”

Dazai blinks, you can see him trying to force his brain to start moving faster so he can put together the puzzle pieces you’ve handed him. His gaze calculating and lips tight. “You… set up the kidnapping?”

Oda then says: “See. I told you they were planning something.”

“Planning a kidnapping,” Sakaguchi sighs, tired. “Did you guess that too, Oda?”

“Well, no.”

Hardly listening to Oda and Sakaguchi’s bickering in the background, you keep your attention on Dazai, who’s watching you with an unreadable expression on his face. You waver for a second, wondering if he’s mad at the two of you—you’d figured it could be an issue, that he might be put off by being kept in the dark about this. He really does hate not knowing things. 

“Why?” Dazai asks quietly, and you note how Oda and Sakaguchi share a look with one another before quieting down, waiting for your response.

“I’m glad you asked!” you say brightly. “It’s your birthday present!” 

You relish in the way the room goes quiet. Dazai’s dark eye widens, taken off guard for the second time in a matter of a few minutes. You’re even more gleeful when you see how Oda’s expression shifts into one of surprise, how Sakaguchi draws back, stunned. At least your fears of Oda and Sakaguchi knowing more about Dazai than you go unfounded.

“Yeah, shitty Dazai, say thank you,” Chuuya goads, a smug smile on his lips.

Dazai doesn’t respond, staring at the two of you with yet another indecipherable look, an odd shine to his dark eye. You feel a bit exposed under his stare, wondering what he could be thinking.

“How did you know?” Dazai finally asks, and oh, you realize that’s not the question he’s asking. Dazai knows that there’s only one way the two of you figured out his birthday—his file in Mori’s office. What he wants to know is which of you got hands on it.

“It was a grand plot,” you say, tossing your hair over your shoulder as you look up at him. “Chuuya kept Mori distracted while I ransacked his office looking for your file… part of your gift is going to be the recording of Chuuya trying to distract him. It was quite funny.”

“Hah?!” Chuuya demands, whirling on you. “That wasn’t part of the deal.”

You ignore Chuuya, keeping your gaze trained on Dazai instead, trying to figure out what he’s thinking. Is he angry at you? Upset? It’s impossible to tell from the heavy gaze he has laid on you, thousands of conflicting emotions swirling behind the black of his eye. Your tongue darts out to wet your lips, chewing the inside of your cheek as you wait—god, only one person evokes this type of nervousness in you and you swear he enjoys it.

After what feels like an eternity, Dazai finally lights up, flinging his arms out to his side, a wide, borderline facetious smile painting his face as he says, “So, I get an entire day to order you guys around to do my bidding.”

“Hey!” Chuuya shouts, equally incensed by Dazai’s words as he is by yours, head snapping to look at him. “That’s not the fucking gift, bastard.”

“What’s the plan then?” Oda asks curiously, and then adds, “... I’m glad you brought us here… as unconventional as the method may have been.”

You notice Dazai gives Oda and then you a curious look, but before he can ask, Chuuya is leaping to his feet, talking quickly as he waves his hands around, making subtle digs to get a rise out of Dazai, but Dazai is more focused on you.

You push yourself to your own feet, trying to ignore Dazai’s lidded stare and focus on what Chuuya is saying but it’s hard, especially when you see Dazai standing from the corner of your eye. He’s still a bit unsteady, movement slow and sluggish, and you’re sure that’s the excuse he has for when he meanders a few steps over to you, dropping his chin on your shoulder. You don’t dare to turn your face to the side to look at him, his lips brush your ear as he murmurs:

“Talk later?”

“... ‘course.”

Luckily, later doesn’t come for a long while. Chuuya was insistent on going out to the beach—you think he was more eager to see Dazai wear the ugly Hawaiian shirt that the two of you had brought along for him more than anything else, but he quickly found interest in the large waves coming in from the sea, running back to the beach house to seek out the boards that you’d found in the basement.

Dazai doesn’t go in the water, but you think he’s having a good time considering there’s a shine in his eyes that’s rarely there. Right now, he’s sitting in the sand in front of Oda and Sakaguchi; the former listening to Dazai ramble on about whatever he’s talking about, the latter tapping away on his computer and occasionally nodding along.

You spend most of your time watching Chuuya cheat at surfing, using his ability to keep him on top of the surfboard as he seeks out the biggest waves. You’re standing in the water yourself, no further than knee-deep because you don’t want to get your clothes and hair wet. You’re kind of annoyed that Dazai’s been spending all of his time with Oda and Sakaguchi when you and Chuuya were the ones who did all of the work, and again, you can’t help but wonder if he might be mad at you. He didn’t seem to be on the walk down to the beach but you can honestly never know with him.

You drag your gaze from where Chuuya is hooting and hollering as he catches another big wave, rolling your eyes when you see the red emanating around his feet and the surfboard, so you can look back at Dazai. He’s stopped talking, listening to whatever Oda is saying instead as he stares at you with a contemplative expression. You feel distinctly seen beneath his stare, lost as to what he might be thinking. He doesn’t even notice that you caught him looking, or if he does, he doesn’t care.

You shake your head when you hear Chuuya coming toward you again, turning your attention back onto him.

“Did you see that one?” Chuuya demands, exhilarated, board tucked under his arm as he brushes his hair out of his face. “Did you?”

“I did,” you say dryly. “It would’ve been much more impressive if you hadn’t been cheating with the Tainted Sorrow.”

Chuuya looks scorned. “I don’t see you getting out there to try,” he scowls, lifting his chin. “You’re more preoccupied with staring longingly at shitty Dazai.”

Your face heats up, you kick the water at him and make sure it gets in his face. “I am not,” you hiss. “Don’t be annoying, Chuuya.”

“I give it another ten seconds before you look back at him again,” Chuuya croons, a wide smile on his face that you have half a mind to slap right off.

To make it worse, you do feel an itch to look back at him now. Your eye twitches as you force yourself to keep looking forward at Chuuya just to make a point, but an odd feeling starts to stir in your gut when you see the way Chuuya’s gaze keeps darting behind you, looking increasingly more pleased with himself.

Finally, you give him an accusatory look before turning your head over your shoulder sharply to where Dazai had been with Oda and Sakaguchi only to find-

That he’s not there?

You hardly have enough time to register what you’re looking at before you see a rush of movement from the corner of your eye.

No-

All you hear is Chuuya’s wild laughter and the sound of the ocean waves reverberating through your skull as Dazai tackles you back into the water hard. The water cushions your fall as your back finally hits the sand. You lift your hand to press your palm against Dazai’s face, pushing him away from you, lungs burning and decidedly soaked as you push yourself out of the water, gasping for air.

“Dazai!” you shout, throwing yourself at him with every intent to throttle him. 

Dazai tries to dodge, but is too busy wheezing over laughter to actually do so. He lets out a dramatic cry when you wrap your arms around his shoulders and successfully knock him into the water face down. He flails dramatically, arms and legs kicking as you hold him down beneath the water.

When you finally drag him back up above the surface, he inhales a lungful of air before giving you an indignant look. “You can’t do that,” Dazai shouts, pointing at you. “It’s my birthday.”

“I’ll do it again,” you shout right back, hair sticking in your eyes and clothes clinging to your skin from the seawater. “I wanted to go into town after this.”

Dazai looks just as messy—the cheap Hawaiian shirt you and Chuuya had got him is drenched, and the colors are bleeding into his bandages, making the previously pristine whites become a colorful swirl of oranges, blues and pinks. He looks like a shitty attempt at a watercolor painting. The bandages around his eye look especially uncomfortable from the way his visible eye keeps twitching and immediately your anger fizzles away into amusement.

You share a look with Chuuya that Dazai instantly catches, looking suspicious and alarmed.

“Chuuya, go get the camera.”

Dazai doesn’t even wait for another word. He instantly turns on his heel to bolt back to the beach house, but you’re chasing after him in an instant.

“Chuuya, go!��� you yell again as you lunge forward, fingers curling around Dazai’s ankles to make him faceplant back into the water.

You scramble forward to straddle his waist to keep him in place but he worms out of your hold, trying to make another break for it but fails because you’re still clinging to his leg, dragging him back down with you. Distantly, you think you should’ve gone for the camera while Chuuya kept Dazai in place.

“Chuuya’s right,” you spit out. The two of you are out of the water now, you can feel the sand in your shirt and grating against your skin as you roll around with him trying to keep him still. “You really are like a slimy, slippery fish.”

“You can’t do this,” Dazai screeches. “It’s my birthday. It’s my birthday!”

“I got it!” Chuuya shouts from over by the chairs, racing back over to the two of you. 

“Took you long enough,” you yell right back at him, realizing that you’re going to have to sacrifice your own dignity to get Dazai in this picture, otherwise he’s going to try to run away again. 

Chuuya can hardly hold the camera straight through his snorting, and you’re sure you probably look equally as embarrassing as Dazai. There’s sand on your face, in your mouth, in your hair, in places where sand definitely shouldn’t be, but at least you don’t look like a kaleidoscope. Dazai lets out a pitiful noise when he realizes there’s no escape, trapped between your arms. He tries to hide his face in your neck, probably for plausible deniability that it’s an imposter trying to make him look bad, rather than it actually being him himself.

“Say cheese, mackerel,” Chuuya mocks.

“Fuck you,” Dazai complains.

But you can feel the smile twitching on his lips against your skin.

Oda and Sakaguchi set up a fire later that night. 

Well, by Oda and Sakaguchi, you mean Oda while Sakaguchi sat there and played dictator, telling him how to make a campfire that Oda clearly already knew how to make from the way he seemed to be hardly listening to the man.

Dazai and Chuuya are off trying to figure out how to use sparklers, which you think is a bad idea. You think the two are more likely to set each other on fire than actually use them properly, which is why you’re staying far away, tapping away on your phone near the campfire, relaxing under the sea breeze.

Itou: everything going ok?

You almost roll your eyes before responding with.

You: Yes. Why?

Itou: just curious :p

You: Could’ve stayed if you were curious. We offered.

Itou: yeah, maybe if u wanted to find me dead in a ditch. ur boy hates my guts.

You’re grateful that no one is around to see how you let out an embarrassed puff of air at how Itou refers to Dazai, instantly clicking out of his messages to see what other messages you have. Before you can, you feel a presence hovering above you and look up, raising your eyebrows.

Oda Sakunosuke stands next to you, studying you curiously, and you look to the side and then back toward him, unsure of what he wants.

“Yes?” you ask slowly. Sakaguchi is still sitting closer to the house, scowling as he bats away bugs.

“This is nice. What you did for Dazai,” Oda says simply. “I haven’t seen him this happy in… well, ever.”

A bit embarrassed, you shrug. “It’s whatever,” you say awkwardly. “Just happy it all worked out.”

“I don’t think Dazai’s ever had someone do something like this for him before,” Oda admits. He’s not looking at you anymore, fond gaze trained behind you to where you can hear Dazai and Chuuya arguing about how to use the sparklers. “He never told Ango or I his birthday… or anything personal about himself, really. I’m grateful that you brought us along.”

You wish you could sink into the ground and die, knowing that if it was up to you, you never would have invited either of them but forced yourself to for Dazai’s sake. Again, you shrug, and say, “Was for Dazai. Thought he would like it.”

“Well, I’m grateful anyway,” Oda says dismissively, looking back down at you. “You should stop by the curry place where I take Dazai every once and a while. The kids I brought in stay there, Sakura is the only girl, I’m sure she’d like having another girl around to talk to.”

You blanch. “I don’t-uh-I don’t know if that would be the best idea, I’m not exactly… a good influence for kids.”

Oda shrugs. “Maybe not conventionally, but you’re tough. Work ten times as hard as any of the others in the upper ranks of the Mafia to keep your position. It’s impressive. If Sakura was even half as strong as you are when she grows up, I’d be proud of her.”

Your lips part to speak but no words leave them. You think, maybe, that this is the first time anyone has ever acknowledged this. Your position has never been as secure as anyone else’s—you think maybe that it’s part of the reason why Mori is so insistent on people using that stupid fucking title, as much as you hate it.

Your own subordinates respect you, the rest of the upper echelon who know of your contributions do, but everyone else? Hierarchy is absolute and the Boss’s orders are paramount, but when subordinates see a chance to push themselves higher up the ladder, it’s like sharks with blood in the water. Without a powerful ability like Chuuya’s, or a mind and presence like Dazai’s, as a girl, you’re on the lowest rung, the first one they’re circling to try to get ahead.

You prevent gang wars, keep the government off the Mafia’s ass, but that’s all behind the scenes—none of the lower ranked mafiosos see any of that. They see Dazai and Chuuya bringing down entire organizations overnight. Ace bringing in billions of yen. Kouyou’s perfect record of assassinations. Hirotsu leading the Black Lizards. Akutagawa and his ability. All they ever seen in you is-

All they see in you is a seventeen-year-old girl who happens to be favored by the Boss.

Although you don’t necessarily care for Oda’s presence, even if only for petty reasons, you do appreciate his words. Your shoulders slump and you want to reply, say thank you at the very least, but nothing comes out. You think he notices, and being the infuriatingly kind person he is, he gives you an out. Oda Sakunosuke pats your head like you’re a dog. You give him a side-eye and cringe away from his hand, but he’s unperturbed. 

“I’m glad he has you,” Oda tells you, before wandering back over to Ango, leaving you there flustered and caught off guard.

Your gaze draws back to where Dazai has finally got his sparkler working, and for a second, you’re entranced. You can hardly drag your eyes from the bright gleam and soft smile on Dazai’s lips as he eyes follow the bright pink and gold sparks flying around as he waves the sparkler around in front of him. It’s childish, almost, innocent in a way that Dazai Osamu never gets to act.

You have to force yourself to look away from him, turning your attention back to your phone to go back to what you were doing before Oda interrupted you.

Several texts from Kouyou and Mori demanding you to pick up your phone, one concerned one from Hirotsu—you’ll have to apologize to him later—and several from an unknown number that you don’t recognize. Akutagawa? Dazai’s subordinate? You’re going to have to have a serious talk with your subordinates later about giving out your number. You click back to your message thread with Itou, pointedly ignoring the last message as you type.

You: How the hell did Akutagawa Ryuunosuke get my number?

Itou: pretty sure he threatened a couple of our subordinates, wounded one of them. i have to deal with it tomorrow. have dazai train his dog before letting him wander around unleashed.

You roll your eyes and then tilt your head back to shout over your shoulder, “Dazai, train your fucking subordinates properly.”

The bickering from where Dazai and Chuuya were arguing behind you halts, and you hear the two of them approach you.

“What happened?” Chuuya asks curiously, peeking over your shoulder at your phone. You promptly close it before he can catch sight of the other message that Itou had sent about Dazai.

Dazai comes to hover next to you, waiting for you to explain, and you tilt your head up to meet his gaze. “Akutagawa injured one of my men and threatened others trying to get my number when he heard you were missing. Get him under control.”

Dazai’s visible eye twitches. “Untrained mutt,” he spits out. “I’ll deal with him.”

You share a short look with Chuuya from the corner of your eye, wondering if you’d just condemned Akutagawa to Dazai’s violent wrath, but you’re distracted when your phone buzzes again.

Itou: check ur email.

You straighten in your seat, immediately flicking out of your messages app to your email to find one from Itou with a video file attached.

“No way,” you breathe out, excited, not having expected Itou to get his hands on it so quickly. You turn to look at Dazai, a wide smile on your face; you miss the way the irritation on his instantly fades, visible eye widening and lips parting at the sight of your smile. You also miss, in your excitement, Chuuya’s grunt of disgust. “Dazai, you wanna see your real present?”

Curious, Dazai peers over your shoulder to see the email you got. “What is that?” 

“Watch and see,” you croon, clicking on the video to show the surveillance tape from headquarters.

Instantly, Dazai seems to realize what it is, eye lighting up. “No way,” he says, half sitting on top of you in your beach chair, ignoring your irritated hiss.

“Get your bony ass off of me, Dazai,” you snap at him, but Dazai ignores you, settling down as he snatches your phone to watch the video. 

Chuuya joins him, crowding in on your other side to lean over his shoulder to watch the video. Rolling your eyes, and unable to see the video on your phone, you instead lean back into the chair and watch their reactions to it instead.

Chuuya looks amused, a sharp grin on his face as his eyes remain pinned on the video, and Dazai looks delighted, he cackles and shifts to lean forward, making you grimace when he ends up digging more into your thigh to push himself up.

“Look at his face,” Dazai screeches. “He really thinks it was real. Ane-san looks like she’s going to have an aneurysm.”

Chuuya looks back at you, smiling but there’s a hesitant look in his eyes. “We’re going to be in so much trouble when we get back,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck.

Yeah, you agree silently, more focused on the bright shine in Dazai’s eyes and the wide, genuine smile on his lips. He’s so giddy that he’s almost vibrating in your lap, and when he finally looks back at you, he looks at you as if you’ve given him the world. Worth it, though.

Despite ardently arguing why you should be the one who doesn’t have to share a room and succeeding—forcing Oda and Sakaguchi (who didn’t seem to mind) and Chuuya and Dazai (much to their distress) to share a room instead—you find that you can’t sleep at night anyway. 

It’s almost midnight when you finally decide to wander out of the house, making your way to the path leading up to the clifftop—everyone called an early night, the excitement of the day, and the lack of sleep, leaving everyone exhausted before the clock hit nine-thirty.

The seabreeze is cool against your skin, the moonlight’s illumination the only guide you have as you make your way up to the cliff’s edge. Your hands are stuffed in the pockets of your sweats as you drag your feet against the dirt path.

You don’t notice someone sitting up there at the edge until they turn their head to the side to look at you, startled by your arrival.

“Dazai,” you say quietly, standing there awkwardly for a moment. You haven’t spoken to him alone yet, you’d meant to earlier but then Chuuya got his hands on wine before bed and that plan went out the window.

Dazai sighs whimsically when he catches sight of you. “So, hime forces me to share a room with the slug only to not even use her own room. She’s so greedy,” he whines, lashes fluttering as he looks up at you.

“Couldn’t sleep,” you tell him, making your way over to sit with him, legs dangling off the edge, swinging absently. Your thigh is pressed against the side of his, feet occasionally bumping into one another, when you rest your hands against the ground to lean back on them, your thumb brushes his. “You wanted to talk.”

Dazai lets out an unintelligible noise in the back of his throat, and you watch as his gaze turns down to his lap, an unreadable expression on his face. He’s pretty beneath the glow of the moonlight, peaceful in a way you hardly ever see him. His expression is free of the numerous masks he wears to protect himself, eyes dark but warm and full of various emotions as he chooses his words carefully.

“Hime read my file,” Dazai finally says, voice soft, almost hesitant. You catch the way his jaw tightens and untightens, the corner of his lips tightening and quivering; a subtle tell to his nerves, one that most people wouldn’t catch, but you do.

“I did,” you agree. Your own heart races in your chest as you wait for his reaction; you don’t think that he’s angry, you think you’d be able to tell if he were angry by now, but you can’t help the anxiety plaguing you.

“So, you saw,” Dazai hums, but there’s a bit of a wobble to his tone. He pointedly doesn’t look at you now, staring ahead out toward the sky and distant sea. “Aren’t you going to ask?”

“No. I figure you’ll tell me if you want. If not, it’s okay.”

It’s decidedly not okay, but you don’t want to pressure Dazai into telling you. You want Dazai to open up to you, but you don’t want to force him to, so you force yourself to be content with the fact that he’s at least acknowledging this, instead of pretending it didn’t happen.

“I can’t,” Dazai says. 

His throat bobs beneath his bandages, dark eye uncertain as he stares down to the turbulent sea. You think a storm must be coming, the waves have become rocky, whitecaps staining the horizon, crashing into the jagged rocks at the bottom of the cliff. Dazai shifts, pulling his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them.

“By choice?” you ask after a few moments. “Or is someone—” Mori “—forcing you to?”

“... Both,” Dazai responds after a few moments. “I…”

Dazai doesn’t finish whatever he was going to say, voice wavering. After a few minutes of silence between the two of you, he continues.

“I don’t have good memories associated with that name,” Dazai finally says, and you don’t dare to speak, hardly even dare to breathe because you don’t want to ruin whatever spurred this decision of his to crack himself open to you, afraid that if you make the wrong move, he’ll withdraw again. “... Sometimes, I miss it though.”

“That’s normal, I think,” you tell him after a moment, looking to the side to focus on him, watching the way his eyes lower at your words. “You have… better ones as… Osamu?” 

It’s your first time referring to Dazai by his first name, and from the way he inhales sharply, he recognizes it as well. There’s something distinctly vulnerable in his expression as he turns his face to you.

“I have you,” Dazai says quietly, and it’s so instant that it catches you off guard, lips parting. As if catching his own lapse in control, he blinks and then rushes to add, “And Odasaku. Ango. The slug.”

You smile a bit to yourself. “Yeah,” you agree. “You do.”

Dazai looks as if he wants to say something, his lips are parted and his gaze is uncertain. You give him a questioning look, wondering what could possibly be running through his head right now, but then he speaks.

“Shuji,” he says so softly that you barely hear him. “My name was Shuji.”

Your eyes shoot open at the admission, Dazai’s goes just as wide, as if he hadn’t actually meant to say it out loud. You open your mouth to say something but Dazai doesn’t even give you the chance to.

“You can’t use it ever, okay?” he says, voice tinged with a type of panic you’ve never heard in the boy before, dark eye filled with desperation. “Never. Not when we’re with people. Not when we’re alone. Not ever. You can’t.”

You don’t think Dazai has ever begged anyone for anything in his life, but he’s begging you now… a part of you can’t help but wonder if it’s for his sake, or yours.

“Can I say it once? Right now?” you ask quietly, swallowing thickly.

Dazai looks unsure and hesitant, but he finally nods. “Then you have to forget it, okay? You can’t ever let anybody know it. Nobody can ever know it. And nobody can know that you know, okay? No one, especially Mori.”

You don’t really like the sound of that, your gut tugging uncomfortably at the stress on Mori’s name, but you don’t want to press anymore than you have, so you agree.

With the winds howling around the cliffs to drown out your voice, and only Dazai and the stars to bear witness, you shift to face him. You reach up to cup Dazai’s cheek, fingers brushing against the bandages on the right side of his face, watching as he inhales sharply at your sudden touch. Before you can lose your nerve, you lean in to ghost your lips against his cheek. 

“Happy birthday, Shuji,” you whisper softly, pulling back to sit next to him. Your face is on fire, and Dazai doesn’t react beyond a shaky breath and his fists tightening in his lap.

Finally, instead of responding, he reaches out to grab your hand, lacing his fingers with yours. Your smile is soft, and you can feel Dazai’s fingers trembling, body uncharacteristically lax as he rests next to you.

Your free hand brushes a stray rock at your side and you turn to look at it curiously, noting the jagged edge and then getting an idea. Dazai frowns when you pull your hand from his and shift away, giving you a questioning look, but then you shift to your knees, grabbing the rock and etching your first initial into the flat rock that the two of you are sitting on. Dazai watches you carefully and when you hold it out to him, he hesitates before taking it from you.

He doesn’t do anything for a second, staring down at your initial with the jagged edge of the rock resting against the ground next to it. Finally, he takes in a steady breath before carving a ‘+ S’ right next to yours. You chew on the inside of your cheek and your eyes are a bit misty as your hand falls to trace the letters.

After a few moments, you let out another breath and settle down next to him again, a bit closer than you were before, thigh pressed firmly against his and shoulders brushing. You reach for his hand again, intertwining your fingers with his, looking up to the vast sky above.

Your lips part to speak, but the words catch in your throat, fingers tightening around his for the sparest second. He gives you a curious look and you don’t dare to look at him as you finally force the words from your lips.

“The moon… it’s pretty beautiful tonight, isn’t it?” you say quietly, throat tight as you stare up at the sky, the glittering stars and the full moon glowing above. 

You can feel Dazai’s gaze on you as he responds. “Yeah,” he breathes out. “I think if I died tonight… I would die happy.”

Three years later on the early morning of June 19th, Dazai Osamu sits on the cliff’s edge in the same spot he did with you all of those years before, watching the sun break over the horizon. His fingers trace over the two engraved letters next to him, and not for the first time in the past two years he’s spent underground, he yearns. 

He yearns for you so bad that it makes his chest hurt, his stomach turns in on itself; he yearns so desperately that it’s hard for him to breathe without you, the thought of you weighing so heavily on his mind that he thinks the pressure of it might kill him. As he’s gotten closer to finally being able to leave the underground and join the Armed Detective Agency, he finds that he thinks more and more of you.

He wonders what you’re doing—if you’re thinking of him, if you hate him, if you’ve forgotten all about him. He can almost imagine you sitting here with him, shoulders brushing, thigh pressed to his, fingers intertwined.  He doesn’t know how long he’s spent sitting in that spot, fantasizing that you were there with him, longing for days with you and Chuuya and Odasaku and Ango that are long gone.

Before his thoughts can spiral any further, his phone rings—only one person would be calling him right about now, so he lets it get to the final ring before picking up.

“Fukuzawa-san is ready for you,” Ango says as soon as Dazai picks up the phone, waiting no time for pleasantries.. “Make your way over to the Armed Detective Agency when you can… Happy birthday, Dazai.”

Dazai doesn’t respond, hanging up the phone and letting out a soft breath. He shoves his phone back in his pocket and his eyes linger on the engraved initials, worn with time but still clearly visible, for only a few seconds longer. He pushes himself up to his feet and walks back down toward the beach house with the thoughts of you still clouding his head.

Yeah, Dazai thinks a bit dryly, chest heavy and aching as he looks back at where the two of you once sat three years ago. Happy birthday.

fun facts!

the inspiration for this fic came from the summer vacation bungo mayoi cards with dazai, oda and ango LOLLLL

the inspiration for the "dazai osamu not being dazai's real name" comes from the fact that irl!dazai was a pen name—his real name was tsushima shuji.

i'm gonna drop some pm!reader universe lore here too. in the pm!reader universe, i decided to go with the popular theory that dazai was the previous boss's son/grandson, which is why his word held so much weight when he vouched for mori. when everything calmed down after the death of the previous boss and after most of the old regime of loyalists had been disposed of, mori had shuji change his name to dazai osamu, to shred any connection he might have had to the previously reigning mafia family, just in case more loyalists popped up. in the present pm!reader universe (from 16-22), only kouyou and hirotsu know who dazai really is.

[sunflower-lilac42]

hey Emma! I was wondering if you had any favorite blogs and why? I’m very curious to know!

hi my love! im more than glad to answer this question <3

(i wrote out of list of 20 or so people so hang on)

@sweetestdesire ~ if i could scream about anyone it would be brynn, i absolutely love her with my whole freaking heart. i love talking to her and i love reading her fics (she blows me away every time and leaves me all giggly) { navigation }

@toasttt11 ~ toast is a dream, she's one of the, if not the first, person i became friends with on tumblr and i haven't looked back since. i am in love love love with her au's and that's that :) { navigation }

@heavenlyhischier ~ abby! i love reading her posts every day, i don't think i go a day without laughing at least once at something she says. i just love her { navigation }

@itsnotgray ~ grayyyyyyy omg, she's so fun to talk to and also leaves me giggling a lot at things she says { navigation }

@quinnylouhughesx43 ~ cay is an angel i'm pretty sure. that's all i have to say rn { navigation }

@ithinkimokeei ~ a is the biggest support i know. i love bouncing ideas off of her and i love how supportive she is every day { navigation }

@asunsetgrace16 ~ give me space, i need to brag. audrey is one of the kindest people ever, she's so amazing and ahhhhhhh. her au's are amazing and i can't get enough of them, i eat them up. i'm actually pretty sure she radiates positivity like it's insane { navigation }

@hhughes ~ i can't. I LOVE HER YOUR HONOR. PLEASE GO READ HER BLURBS AND FICS LIKE RN { navigation }

@prettyboywoll ~ a my love! i simply love her that's it { navigation }

@puckology101 ~ ahhhhhhhh (does that sum it up enough or...?) { navigation }

@ijustreallylovethem ~ i brag about rae in my head but never out loud, that's weird but yeah { navigation }

@equallyshaw ~ another one of the first friends i made on here i'm pretty sure and i wouldn't change anything { navigation }

@slutforseider ~ when i tell you i screamed when i saw cait was back, i screamed

@pucksandpower ~ i'm gonna say the fic that got me hooked onto her and then you'll catch my drift. READ PRETTY WOMAN MOMENT THIS INSTANT { navigation }

@verstappen-cult ~ i love love love her fics and blurbs and everything. i think i read at least one of works each day { navigation }

@perfectlysaltycat32 ~ salty is the kindest person ever, i love talking to her, she makes my day

@theemporium ~ her writing absolutely blows me away every time, not kidding { navigation }

@hischier-papaya ~ did you really think i was going to go this whole post without talking about cam? you thought wrong. cam is one of my favorite people in the whole world, i legit can't. she's amazing to talk to, especially if you're having a bad day. and yeah, i will defend her at all costs so keep that in mind { navigation }

THERE ARE SO MANY MORE BUT I SIMPLY DON'T HAVE THE SPACE TO BRAG ABOUT EVERYONE SO :)

here are all of my other moots that i didn't mention but you should follow anyway bc i told you so

@crazy4smitty | @qrrieterisunnq | @cixrosie | @mirrorballmcgroarty | @mirrorballmcgroarty | @blueballsracing | @rowansrowdy43 | @homestylehughes | @lovelyhughes | @lvrhughes | @hischierswhore | @brdeschn | @hughes86-43 | @star2fishmeg (MY MIND TRICKED ME, I FORGOT TO ADD MEG 😭 I LOVE HER I SWEAR ) | @eleutherafairy | @luke-hughes43 | @nicohischierz | @voidvannie

[phoen1xr0se]

ahhhhhhhh!!!! neil!!!! puffins!!!!!

you must be freaking out lol 😝

everyone is being so good not saying anything on the post LMAO but the post is doing numbers for such a seemingly random question 🤣

cant wait for the update!!!!!! 💕💖💫

I am extremely normal about it (I am not normal about it, I squealed and did a little dance)

It only occurred to me after seeing that he'd answered that people might comment about the fic on it and I had a small panic attack, so many thanks to all the people being awesome and cool and chill.

Chapter 11 of There Is A Light & It Never Goes Out comes out today!

[shumiikitty]

image taken from minute's stream "lifesteal's special surprise", at around 00:51:23

"mapicc, can i go inside you?" - ro, 2024

absolutely amazing quote. 10/10. if you have context, it still remains hilarious. we love bacon commenting and rek freaking out- even if he did kind of start the "inside" joke. ^^ do you get my joke?!?? am i funny?! [ context: they needed something that what "inside" mapicc- also the lifestealers could word sentences better, but i digress- and rek started a conversation with mapicc about his insides. absolutely amazing. ]

—

transcript of text messages: <roshambogames> mapic acn i go insied you

<baconwaffles0> freaky levels are rising to unprecidented numbers

<rekrap2> AHHHHHHHH

[bapple117]

Just wanna say I've been so fixated on Bluest Monday that I've had like... autistic positive freak outs over it where I'm gnawing at the bars of my cage and literally scratching at shit. I cried once per chapter no joke. Your work brings something feral out of me that makes me go HRBSJFHSGAJRGAJRGQJGHHFHFH. You get me? I have read tens of thousands of words within a day because I was so hyper focused on consuming the content. Thank you for fueling my autistic brain. I cannot wait for future chapters.. and when there's a happy ending I know my little shattered fanfic loving heart will be healed. (I am so used to bad endings. DO MY BOYS JUSTICE ‼️‼️) I'll probably write an in depth rant later and send it here analysing your writing style because.. fuck dude. You bring out feelings from me I didn't think I HAD‼️ Keep doing what you love, it is so good. Idk if you know what a system is, but we have a Vox alter and he is fucking SHATTERED and enthralled by your work. No matter how much he wants to deny it., ;3

sincerely , Edgar :3

also I made a Spotify playlist for them too because wow I love sad tragic old man yaoi. This needs some 80's jams! ^_^

OH MY GOSH AHHHHhHHH ❤️💜💙 THANK YOU SO MUCH for such kind words gahhhh it makes me so happy sahshakshahskashakhs

"I'll probably write an in depth rant later and send it here analysing your writing style because.. fuck dude. You bring out feelings from me I didn't think I HAD‼️"

I WELCOME IT AHAHAHAHHAA I really hope what I've written so far of book 2 is fixing that broken heart somewhat! THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT

[thesevenwondersofawitch]

I watched the Picard series finale

Going into this, I have chills 👀

Holy shit Seven looks hot as hell

AHHHHHHHH

She's so bad ass

Raffi my beloved 😍

Seven and Raffi looked at each other👀

Seven looks so done while the poor cook dude is explaining how his mom got sick and his brother got a hernia

"You got this." Just gonna think of her saying this whenever I feel like I'm struggling

AHHHH SHE'S ALL CAPTAINY AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW RAFFI HASN'T JUMPED HER😂

Oh shit

Jack is consumed by the collective 👀

The little smile Beverly exchanged with Jean-Luc

Worf: "And I will make it a threesome."

Will Riker: "Do you even hear yourself?" Oh my god😂😂 I'm dead

That look between Deanna and Will😭

If anything happens to either of them I'm gonna cry

Aw, Beverly is gripping that computer so hard

"I can no longer be your captain. I have to be a father"

Oh no

Does that mean he's gonna take Jack's place and die😭

Picard: "Beverly. Lead me to our son."

I'm crying "You did everything right." Oh damn 😭

OH SHIT VOX

Jack looks kinda awesome as Vox

OH SHIT

BORG QUEEN

I got chills

I am so creeped out rn

AHHHHHHHH

Raffi is Seven's number one

I'm so happy

The looks they keep sharing

I'm screaming with how they're finishing each other's train of thought

That poor Cook 😭😂

OOOOOOO SEVEN IS GIVING A SPEECH

I will fight under her

Raffi called Seven captain

Picard to Borg Queen: "You are not his mother!" AWWWWWWWWWWWW HE WON'T LET BEVERLY BE FORGOTTEN

Damn, this queen is bitter

HOLY SHIT

Oh no

Worf. He got zapped

Hope he still lives

"I had no idea it was that heavy." 😂

"We can't do this forever." Feels like she could be talking about more than their ship fighting

But I could be reaching

The way that Beverly fought so well and ruthlessly, and everyone turned slowly to look at her 😂

Beverly: "A lots happened in the last 20 years"😂

"Swords are fun." They really are

"no computer not even my daughter could navigate us through this." Love how proud he(Geordi) is of his kid

YEAH DATA!

Data: *tells them to trust him*

Also Data, seconds later: "Here goes nothing."

Deanna: "Wait what do you mean here goes nothing." Oh I'd hold on if I were you Deanna

The way Deanna is confused about why she senses enjoyment, meanwhile Data is living the dream 😂

OH SHIT

The earth is undefended 👀

Oh. Shit.

THE TITAN IS EXPOSED 👀

Sisters that assimilate together stick together (the La Forge sisters moving around the ship)

Seven's look of defeat 😭

Aw, the look between Saffi

Oh hell😭

"destroy the cube we kill everyone on there." Shit, Deanna is gonna need so much therapy

Beverly looks so freaking heartbroken I want to hug her 😭

"Will, the moment we fire, you'll have a minute at most." The emotion in her voice 😭

OH MY GOD

Oh MY GOD

OH MY GOD

OH. MY. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD

Damn, it hurts even more watching this knowing that if Will, Picard, Jack and Worf die, Deanna will feel it

Picard to his son: "If you won't leave, I'll stay with you till the end. You have changed my life. Forever." Oh damn😭

HOLY SHIT THE way Jack starts ripping out everything to save his dad

Will to Deanna: "I love you Imazati. We'll be waiting, me and our boy."😭

I'm sobbing

"I know where they are." oh thank God

I'm loving how Deanna goes to the console

Me at Jack: You're not alone, together we stand, I'll be by your side, and I'll take your hand. KEEEP HOOOOLDING OONNNNNNNN

OH MY GOD

Awwwww, Seven giving Sydney a hug😭

Pretty awesome looking armor jack is wearing 😂

Deanna and Will are adorable

Awww, three bros, chilling in spinny chairs

TO SAY I'M SCREAMING AT THE CLIP OF RAFFI, SEVEN, AND THE LA FORGE GIRLS IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT

I love how Worf is just snoozing away 😂

There's still like 22 minutes left, so plenty of time for something to go wrong, but I'm gonna bask in this brief moment of happiness

Oh my god

BEVERLY IS AN ADMIRAL

TUVOK MY BOY

AHHHHHHHH

Seven and Tuvok are talking

Acting Captain Seven of Nine: "I'm resigning from Starfleet." Aw😭

Aw, Shaw was a lil bit, kinda nice😭

Seven's crying 😭

My girl

AHHHHHHHH

Chills

Tuvok: "Resignation denied, Captain"

Raffi got to video chat with her grandbaby🥺

"Strangest thing. My son Gabe, wants me to meet my granddaughter." I'm sobbing😭

Worf leaked the info for her😭

Hell, I'm sobbing

So hard

AWWWWWWWWWWWW he's hugging her😭

Deanna is counseling Data😭

Wonder if he'll meet Daj

Deanna: "We've gone by our time over an hour. Again."😂😂😂

I love how Deanna is searching for beach vacation spots while Data is going on and on 😭😂

"Same time tomorrow?"

"Yes, yes. Can't wait." Oh she's dreading it a bit

"Still batshit?"

"Stop it." I love them 😂

I wonder if Picard is gonna join Laris wherever she is

"I miss that voice." So do I 😭

"Admiral Picard, Admiral Crusher" AHHHHHHHHH

Ah, Jack is joining Starfleet, I'm sure that'll be a wise and interesting decision

"This is all you son, I'm very proud." AHHHHH

I just slapped my leg so hard

"We know your aversion to fanfare."😂

OH MY GOD

She's beautiful (the ship)

"Out." 😂

"Thank you Number One."

"You're so very welcome, Captain." I. Am. So HAPPY

I AM SO HAPPY

SO HAPPY

Jack's the special counselor to the Captain 😂 this is great

Raffi: "Your first official act of command."

Jack: "Writing the opening line to your legacy, so then, what will it be?"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME

I WANT TO KNOW MORE

Beverly is so drunk😂

Worf has an adorable voice 😂

A different planet vs Orlando?😂 How random

Oh my god I'm screaming

They're gonna play poker!!!

*slams down on table* I fold OK?

So ... Is Laris just chilling in a restaurant, waiting on Picard? 🤔

Feels like they forgot about her

HOLY SHIT

HoLy ShIt

The way it's an old pic of Gates and Patrick 😂

I love that Q is still alive 👀

Oh, I'm screaming. Like so much

This was so good and idk what I'm gonna do with myself now.

[itadori-yujiii]

Hi (again),

these poems Tina send this anon... I didn't want to admit it right but ahhhhhhhh. They are. So. Freaking. Wonderful.

Great taste. You have a very, very great taste. (Heck, I almost cried too when reading the one with the "do you love her to death" !!!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO USE IT AGAINST YOU WHEN IT'S SO GOOD?????)

Anyway. I will try to write a tragic love story poem. Though I'm pretty bad at writing love. And tragic. Oh, and yeah, poems. It won't rhyme 'cause I can only rhyme on German.

(Hold on a second. I just had a flash of inspiration. How about I write the story of my two OCs? As a poem? It's about love, too, and it's definitely tragic)

*Ahehehehehem*:

I remember very clearly How you once fell from the sky Right in front of my nose. And that's not even metaphorically described now No, that's not my style. You simply flew Directly out of the sky, Like an angel, You fell into my world. You glowed, you looked like a shooting star Or like a glowing barbecue chicken.

I hated you, Right from the start, The way you stared at me After I landed In this strange new world. It was my safe haven At least it was supposed to be But you? God, how I hated you, You stupid annoying idiot.

Oh no. Remember? Back then? When I was the prank master? It used to bother me so much That you were so perfect. You never fell into my traps. You never made a mistake, Not once, And I, In all those years, I would never have guessed That you were the master mind Behind all the pranks That I was always blamed for. I would never have guessed That we were so much alike. They were lucky That we hated each other Or we would have given them hell together.

My first mission, I was top of my year, Despite all my difficulties I fought Harder than all the others Harder than anyone could have imagined I earned it I was proud My new life In this strange world A clear path. But why, why only you? Why did they send us off together? Why, tell me, did you have to be so talented, Enough to save the world with me, Why not just an idiot? Why, tell me, did I hate you For your recklessness And envied you For your courage? Why, tell me, my idiot, Were you just so annoying? So stubborn, so unreasonable, so you? Why, tell me, were you the chaos That kept me sane when I was lost In the all devouring order?

Do you remember the night When we won everything? Years of hatred and friendship had gone by And we finally understood. We sat there On that ledge A thousand meters above the ground Closer to the stars than to ourselves. And we sat there And didn't look at each other And yet I remember How the stars mirrored in your eyes Because they always had Every night. And I know how you asked "What if we jump?" And I asked "What if we stay?" We knew it was dangerous The fight would be hard "But what if we fly?" Yes, you said that And you were right Like you always had been. And we flew together In our minds And we didn't look each other in the eye Just stared into the night This vastness Of our minds And felt the connection And knew all at once We were one. And we would never separate. It would go on after the morning And we would never separate. That's what we promised each other In the silence Before the great battle.

It was the day we lost all And yet we survived And only we. We built ourselves a new home As I had to do so many times before And yet it was different Because for the first time I was no longer alone. We were not alone. Because then she came And we were happy So incredibly happy And I wanted to see you happy. And that's why So many years after I escaped From the cruelty of my world I went back And left you behind My loving, wonderfully chaotic idiot You and her For you. Because time had told me Time had always told me I had ignored it But the legacy cannot be ignored Not like this. It broke my heart But I separated from you I broke my promise And I flew. I flew into the sky Through my portal Back into my world To protect you.

Woah. Two freaking hours. For this shit.

Wow. I'm tired as hell, so please don't judge my haha. Hope you cried but can understand if you haven't.

Nighty-night!

WELL THOSE TWO HOURS DID NOT GO TO WASTE BECAUSE THERE ARE TEARS SPILLING DOWN MY FACE AND MY LIP IS QUIVERING AND NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

also i know right the "do you love her to death" one had me balling my eyes out mid-lesson and when i sent it to tina she sent me selfies of an emo guy from 2009 soooooo

I SWEAR IM SAVING ALL OF THESE. THE ONE THAT GOT ME WAS THE "what if we jump?" "what if we fall?" "what if we fly" HIBEDCIBUDCSHJBCSDBHJSDC

IM WISH I COULD GET BACK AT YOUUUUUU BUT....

*gets on knee and looks down* i admit.... DEFEAT

[tathrin]

since you're a huge LOTR fan, I wonder if you've heard about the new LOTR MTG set and if so what you think of it. As an MTG fan who never got into the books or movies, I love it

Oh my gods HAVE I?!!! (The answer is extremely yes.) I work at a comic book store, and we carry Magic cards, so it's going to be quite a struggle for me to be surrounded by them and not purchase any, despite the fact that I've never played MTG and have absolutely no prospects of playing it either. (Although I did play the knock-off LotR Magic-ish card game that came out back when the movies did and loved it, tbf.)

My thoughts are: I freaking LOVE the parts of it that are awesome, such as of course the most awesome of all:

AHHHHH that's so good I want it as a painting ahhhhhhhh!

Look at him, look at his sword, he's amazing it's immaculate:

AMAZING I SAY!!!

But the problem with the amazing parts? Is that they make the lackluster parts stand-out all the more.

And unfortunately a lot of it is lackluster. Not bad; just...mediocre. Admittedly perhaps my expectations got WAY too high when I saw the wedding card first, but...well, what can I say? That's the first thing I saw, and it was FUCKING AMAZING, so my expectations were raised way too high for most of the rest of the perfectly-serviceable-but-not-novel-or-exciting images to measure up to.

And then there are a few that are downright bad.

Like Legolas, who is inexplicably wearing Last Alliance-ish plate armor? Despite being explicitly described as not wearing armor, except for when he borrows mail from the Rohirrim?

Yeah. That's not a Wood-elf from Mirkwood, buddy, that's just a Generic High Fantasy Elf. At best he could be Elladan or Elrohir I guess, but Legolas? Legolas of Mirkwood? Yeah, no.

(Also if we're going for diverse LotR designs, why is it that all the elves still seem to be white? *All the elves I've seen so far. Hopefully this will change as more cards get revealed. I'm perfectly happy with Arwen the way she is in the above image, for the record; she's described as being pale and dark-haired and she looks exquisite up there. 10/10 on the Wedding Card, no notes! But I'm hoping that this isn't going to end up being a case where the "immortal, wisest, and fairest of all beings" species remains wholly white because that's...not great.)

Anyway most of the other cards I've seen look fine, but no better than fine; very much Standard Generic Designs. Less disappointing than the bizarre design for Legolas up there, but nowhere near even half as awesome as Aragorn and Arwen.

And then...well. What is this supposed to be?

Jaskier and Daenerys, maybe? wtf? I genuinely didn't even know who they were until I saw the caption with their names, that's how bad this design is. Why have they turned Faramir into some little bland doofus boy? How the fuck is their hair supposed to mingle in the wind when his is so short? He looks like a child, and there is not a single muscle in her arm, she looks like an airbrushed barbie. For that matter, where is the splint and bandage on her arm? Her left arm? That arm is broken what are you doing? Did you miss that bit with the Witch King??? Was this one even painted by someone who read the book, or is it maybe an image that was done for something totally different that they just went "ehh good enough" and slapped it into this deck instead of making something new and specific for these two? I am SO disgruntled.

That's the worst of them that I've seen so far, thankfully. But you have to admit that it is pretty bad, I think.

So, in summation: I'm still overall excited (admittedly this is bolstered in part just because racists are hella mad about it, and that always makes me happy) but I really wish that they had put the same level of care and attention into the design of all of it that they did in a few of the more stand-out pieces.

Because I probably won't end up buying any of it, unless as more cards get revealed the ratio between awesome-and-blah changes significantly. Because the ones that are good are very very good but the rest of them are just...meh.

And that's so disappointing when they could all be awesome.

[jaylleoo14]

Okay so I know I literally just posted a freaking Jade fic BUT GUESS WHAT

Not only did Azul come and raid my mind but Jade came along as his vice pres! haha... Ha. ha. HAhHAHHAHAHAHAHA

They are going to be the end of me guys, i need like a repellent spray or something to keep them out

Jello towards the sea trio:

"Oh I love the octatrio!"

"really?"

"no" *PSHHHHHHHHH!*

Okay but seriously, I have this actually scary and unsettling theme and concept for Mr. Jade Leech. It's supposed to be Ace hours but hey, the poor red head got thrown off a cliff and now here I am writing up the draft. Im totally not being put at gun point by him right now <33 (FREE ME FROM THIS MAN AHHHHHHHH)

why are all my drafts for Ace all angst man :'(

[artemiseamoon]

Listen I love the TF guys an unhealthy amount. Still. To this day.

look at them

I love them. I will always be the absolute softest, full on fluffy and emotionally mushy for Will tho. I love them all, I’m obsessed with all of them. I need them all in my life - where are my 4 boyfriends? They are my dream reverse haram.

Just saying tho I’d hubby-up Will so fucking fast. IM SO SOFT AND WEAK FOR HIM! The others too, but Will first. Frankie is def husband #2.

Don’t get me started on Frankie just - the chokehold this man had on me - just take this in

Look at him, ahhhhhhhh

Now back to Will-

👏🏾 FUCKING HUSBAND MATERIAL👏🏾

And don’t get me started on my headcanons about how passionate Will can be in the bedroom. Yeah he’s in control and calm and level headed but in the bedroom - don’t let his calm demeanor fool you. To me, Will is very romantic, loving, attentive . Sweet observant hubby material 100%. He can be a soft lover but, to me, also down right filthy behind closed doors esp if he trusts you. His inner freak will come out. You know what they say about the quiet ones - No one has to agree, that’s the great thing about headcanons, this is how he comes off to me. Soft dom who can be harder when he’s feeling in the mood - those vibes - he has lots of secret kinks - lots of praise and body worship of his partner - next level aftercare - massages when you get home - CUDDLING IN BED (I’m getting emotional here)

Like, okay, my reverse harem fantasy. Hooking up with Benny and Santi immediately. On the spot. Just right to it. Individually or at the same time, I am happy with either.

I’d wait a little longer with Frankie just cause I’m a slut for angst/longing with Frankie. The build up x Frankie is just - it worksssss for me and the payoff would be *chefs kiss*

And Will, tho I’d of course want to jump his bones on sight, I’d also be in love so trying to wait for the perfect moment. Maybe shy. Maybe we can have a date or two before - let my self get romanced by this handsome m’f - oh my heart.

Anyway, late night thoughts. That’s all.

[gayraccoonthing]

GUYS GUYS HOLY FUCK OH NO SHIT I THINK I JUST DEVELOPED THE NAZI SALUTE AS A TIC WTF IM ACTUALLY CRYING RIGHT NOW I HATE THIS THIS IS WHY I CANT READ MEMES FROM MY CLASSMATES STORYS WTF I HATE THIS I AM FREAKING OUT AHHHHHHHH FUCK GUYS WHAT DO I DO IM GENUINELY SCARED

[sundaynightlive]

My Live Heartstopper 2 Reactions

Right so this is an EXTREMELY long post and I know nobody cares but it helped me get all my emotions out in a healthy way instead of punching walls so that’s a plus 👍🏻. MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR SPOILERS, so be warned, aight? Some of my reactions are genuinely funny—wish I had filmed myself because oh boy.

(TW: Eating disorders and homophobia. Also: Chaos, spoilers, and unhealthy fangirling).

Episode 1

Oh my god I’m literally more nervous for this than I was for my tattoo I’m gonna cry

HI ❤️

Charlie you better eat that cereal why are you just holding it.

The soundtrack is already banging holy balls.

THIS SCENE IS SO CUTE OH MY GOSH.

AGGRESSIVE KISSING OH MY GOD THAT WAS CRAZY THE PASSION I—

They’re so happy. I’m so happy they’re happy. And the smile every time they greet each other. And they’re BESTIES which is SO REAL.

THE UPSIDE-DOWN KISS SHOT WAS MAGICAL—

Ooh I missed the little sparkles of Heartstopper

Need this tattooed on my body fr.

Elle is gorgeous. Elle is gorgeous. Elle is gorgeous and I love her. She’s gorgeous. Oh my gosh my sapphic heart wants her so bad.

That was weird. Oop—that product placement is as a tiny bit goofy? Was the product placement? I’ve only read one book.

No she fancies Ben—I already can see it coming. No NO NO NO NO IMOGEN NO.

Oh I can feel the stress. I have to look up what this test is I guess because I can FEEL the stress—NEVERMIND I KNOW WHAT THE STRESS IS—

This is an incredible scene. Oh my FUCKING god.

This teacher is really doing the most for no reason.

I NEED YOU.

Of course Harry’s out here saying some slightly misogynistic shit out the gate.

Elle and Tao will be magical together I already know.

YES OH MY GOD THEY GET DOODLES TOO?????? YESSSSSSS.

Bro is this product placement or is it in the comics. It must be in the comics and I just don’t know about it lmao. Because otherwise this product placement is WILD.

UH OH NO UH OH STOP PLEASE I CAN’T—alright it’s fine. Everything’s fine. Deep breaths. Whew all good.

As a partially-closeted gay person that was a lot for me.

I love Tori and her actress so much (is actress still a real term??? I feel like it’s not).

This is cute huh.

I love Imogen. I love Imogen. She’s so cute.

SHE’S AN ALLY IM PISSING—

God Elle is gorgeous in every scene.

Tao’s hair isn’t even bad idk what everybody was saying in the first season it’s goofy but it’s not the worst haircut in the world.

THAT WAS SO INTENSE. THEY HAVE CRAZY CHEMISTRY WHAT????!?????

Isaac always reading is such a vibe he just likes to be in the room with everyone and it’s so me.

You got this Nick. I love you and I believe in you.

Woah Tao. Simmer down babe.

YOU GOT THIS! YOU GOT IT! They are so supportive it’s so wonderful this is so sweet fuck me.

THAT WAS SO GOOD.

“I’m sorry I don’t actually know how to react,” IS A PERFECT REACTION FUCK.

Oh balls I KNEW IT.

They’re girls together. I love watching girlhood between queer people. This show is everything.

Hands ✨

I wish I had this many friends.

HI LEAVES HOW ARE YOU—AHHHHHHHH KISSES YES. This is kind of a lot for being in front of everyone.

Darcy is so real.

Not the hanky panky.

BRING ON THE BROTHER. This is the bullshit fuckery im excited for I want nick to DESTROY HIS HOMOPHOBIC BROTHER. Verbally, of course.

Episode 2

Why is everyone struggling? I kind of hate this trope so much my grades did not slip when I got in a secret homosexual relationship I was literally valedictorian I promise it’s not that distracting.

Bros being so mean wtf.

Woah I have never seen Charlie looking so much like Joe.

Mum’s sassy woah.

DAVID. BRING ON THE BROTHER. FIST FIIIIIIIGHT.

Sorry I’m just excited.

Kit Connor is so pretty.

I FORGOT CHARLIE’S A DRUMMER THAT’S SO RANDOM AND COOL.

Not the WHAT with the blank expression.

Wait that is so cute #meandmygf when both our parents are psycho conservatives #starcrossedlovers

❤️

Ben and Imogen is such a fucking no I feel sick. I am literally sick.

I know all these extras are so freaking excited to be here—I love them all.

Who tf says ‘eve’ in a text?

Ben’s weird ass look lmao.

This is goofy and I love it. Fuck off Ben stop with that state.

Dude Mr. Farouk needs to chill so hard.

SHUT THE FUCK UP BEN. GET HIM NICK. SICK EM. EAT SHIT.

Broooo why would you put them in a room together are you frickin serious?????

NICK YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE HIM I hate Ben so much I what a perfect perfect perfect gray-area villain

David what are you even talking about rn.

God they are good together are you kidding? They casted so perfectly I’ve never been more in love with a couple in my life. They are phenomenal actors because idk how they could be like this and not be in love.

The SOUNDTRACK ARE YOU KIDDING

“I think Nellie loves him” NO YOU

The queer extras are my favorite in the whole world.

NON-BINARY PERSON oh my god hi me too

God she’s perfect here. To be fair she’s just generally perfect. THE THREE OF THEM ARE PERFECT.

What a lovely conversation for this show to have, so simple and so chill and so real.

Oh Tao. I love you I wish I could give you a hug, poor dude.

If Ben fucks up Nick’s math exam istg—

Oh Imogen—I’m so sorry sweetheart.

Oh shit fuck this feels like such unnecessary stress I hate hate hate hate hate this—NO BRO RAISE YOUR HAND AND TELL HER—

Bro if he’s in trouble I’m gonna lose it I will literally be so sad.

Elle is stunning.

Elle he likes you oh my god ELLE HE LIKES YOU.

Gosh she’s tall too I love tall women.

Bro what marvel movie were they watching ????? Hello ????? Also—David is still here isn’t he?

NELLIE IS PERFECT.

No no no no no no no no no bro I’m gonna be physically ill.

PUNCH THAT MF IN THE FACE holy FUCK.

Oh my god this is so sad, but also definitely the conflict I’m here for and not this schoolwork shit. I hate schoolwork conflicts.

It’s not your fault Charlie I’m so sorry.

God Mom he needs you right now are you serious?????

We all know damn well you did not eat at Nick’s.

To be so fair this is exactly what happened to me and my gf when we started telling people it just became a mess.

Oh god the voice memo was perfect Nick. That was such a perfect way to get your sincerity across. Wow I LOVE that.

CUT YOUR HAIR OUT OF JEALOUSY TAO !!!

That’s half a joke.

But I would do it (I’m crazy and petty).

Cantonese is very soft or maybe it was just the way she said it but my ears liked it.

I deadass thought she was gonna be right behind him lmao.

Episode 3

IKEA??????? Boy.

Aw nice boys. Thank you.

The way Otis just looked back like bro are you serious—

Damn it he almost had it shit.

Charlie and Joe are ebbing and flowing and I love that he’s like 15-dimensional it’s so nice and natural I love Joe he is so talented.

YAY SHE IS SO NICE ARE YOU SERIOUS???? SHE HAS A WIFE. My girlfriend did women’s rugby gayest sport in the world. I literally just jumped up and down this show is so good fuck.

HER LITTLE GIGGLE SDFGHJKL

Tao not on the school computer wtf.

I’m like actually stressed about Charlie’s paper and Nick’s math I remember being stressed and fucked up by these things and I do not like the coursework issues as pieces of plot it really gets me—not to say it’s the show’s fault. I think that’s just because school killed me.

Oh Tara and Darcy.

I am in fear. I am currently in very much fear.

Ben looks like such an ass fr.

DARCY’S SARCASM IM PISSING—

HE IS SO SWEET ABSOLUTELY SO SWEET. HOLY PISS AND SHIT THIS IS PERFECT. AND HIS HAAAAAAIR. OH MY GOD THIS IS AMAZING.

THAT WAS ADORABLE.

They are very good together.

The 1975???? Slay?????

I LOVE TORI. IM PISSING.

“Look after him. Or you die.”

The most unrealistic thing about this show is that people don’t know they’re together when they’re always standing so fucking close together and glancing at each others’ mouths.

Now why is that popcorn so big.

Bro Elle looks perfect all the time I would also be awkwardly silent next to her.

Oh Tara.

Joe and Nick look SO GOOD in these outfits.

Elle definitely put her hand there on purpose so he’d grab it.

BRO WHAT IS GOING ON THIS IS PAINFUL.

I take it back Nick should’ve been wearing different pants.

Oh no this is literally my nightmare.

Bro Harry putting his arm around Nick like nothing’s wrong and the panic that must be flooding through Nick’s veins is so FUCKING REAL I have been in situations so similar to this and if he comes out now I will never forgive Alice because this is a horrific time for this.

I am uncomfortable with the energy we have created in the studio today.

Oh Tao I love you I’m so sorry. God he is so me. God what a nice hug. I feel so bad for him. Holy fuck.

And CHARLIE god this is my nightmare.

Oh Nick too.

EVERYONE IS SAD AND I AM SAD.

Oh baby oh my god.

Charlie is a literal angel AND SO IS NICK’S MOM.

YOU DON’T OWE THEM ANYTHING. THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL FUCKING MESSAGE.

Oh Charlie my heart aches for you.

Episode 4

Charlie why wouldn’t you sit next to each other???? Charlie???? What is this madness?????

Tao’s hair is slaying.

Mr. Farouk is crazy.

Paris is gonna fix everything I see.

Okay Nick and Tao getting together makes my heart absolutely so full.

NICK’S DAD IS FRENCH??????? Bro I need to read these don’t I?

Aw Mr. Farouk’s little smile.

Darcy is fantastic at changing the subject I wish I had the skill.

Bro Ben’s whole role this season is glaring I’m pissing myself giggling about it.

Bro read the ROOM of COURSE they wanted to share.

Um why is their room so tiny????

Even their hands look perfect together god DAMN.

WAIT Tao that was so fucking sweet.

NO THIS IS THE HICKEY SCENE. THIS IS THE HICKEY SCENE. OH MY GOD IS THIS THE HICKEY SCENE?

Incredible like delivery Kizzy FUCK I loved that.

Also it was not the hickey scene.

Ben looks so unenthused with Imogen at all times and I’m pissed about it.

Jesus that was rude Ben. Fuck you.

This is so weird but I wanna know what order they shot these scenes in bc the whole bus scene Farouk kept being all smiley towards Ajayi but now he’s like super unimpressed with him and it’s not tracking but honestly that’s kind of sweet and almost like foreshadowing I love it.

Tao. Looks. So. Good.

ELLE’S BOOTS ARE FIRE ARE YOU SERIOUS?????

Charlie just grab his hand there’s literally no one around.

NICK BEING FLUENT IN FRENCH IS SO GOOD AND IMPRESSIVE DOES CHARLIE KNOW?????

Also Kit Connor speaking French is just ahhhhhh

TARA’S A DANCER??? ME TOO. ME TOO ME TOO ME TOO.

Darcy is so my girlfriend. Don’t worry Tara she’ll come around I promise. My girlfriend didn’t say I love you back to me for months babe. It’s just hard for some people.

Charlie…

God Paris is beautiful.

Straight people are so goofy thinking relationships mean you stop being friends.

BRO THIS SONG GOES CRAZY????

Okay the yelling was so funny.

They’re perfect together for real.

The BUTTERFLIES???? THE BUTTERFLIES????

I actually love Imogen so much. Ben needs to get his greasy hands off her fr.

Darcy’s non-binary shirt is everything. Thank you Heartstopper, thank you Kizzy.

WHY IS CHARLIE BY BEN???? WHO ALLOWED THIS?????

NO. NO NO NO. NO.

Okay. Deadass, I wish I had recorded myself—The whole conversation just went down, and I sat there with my hand shaking around my face, and when HARRY went “There’s no reason to call her a bitch” I fucking LOST MY MIND because you know it’s bad when HARRY SAYS SOMETHING OBJECTIVELY CORRECT. I deadass SCREAMED.

Oh Imogen so wrong but also so cute about it anyway.

Tao and Nick talking makes my heart so happy I want them to be besties.

This is so sweet. Fuck.

Is Nick’s dad a factor here? Because I’m stressed.

I love when my gf hugs me like that.

“Giant Rugby idiot”

Wait this is wild oh my god?????

Real talk—when my gf gets that close to me and is kissing my neck I do not silently stare at the ceiling but I get it we’re innocent and sweet in this house.

Bro the hickey reveal is SO GOOD.

Episode 5

Oh his dad is ghosting him fuck.

Soundtrack going off again

Also unrealistic—giving a hickey without knowing how? You have to suck SO HARD bro—

I’m fully laughing my ass off.

TAO’S EYES I—

I just screamed “OH MY GOD THIS SHOT IS INCREDIBLE THIS IS ART” at the top of my lungs and the neighbors definitely heard but BLURRY BEN SITTING IN BETWEEN MATCHING NICK AND CHARLIE WHEN HE LEARNS ABOUT THE HICKY???? 10/10 cinema. Give it an Oscar right now.

That’s the biggest croissant I have ever seen.

BEN BLURRY IN THE BACKGROUND OF THESE SHOTS IS JUST SO—

Joe Locke is gorgeous I can’t. He’s like literally a sculpture.

SHUT UP HARRY.

Oh my fucking god.

“I don’t give a rats ass rudeboy, grow up” is the single greatest like in all of Heartstopper and I will tattoo it on my body.

What is Nick’s outfit? Why do they keep giving him ridiculous pants?

Tao and Elle are a fucking gorgeous couple.

GO OFF ISAAC. GO OFF.

Kizzy and Corinna are just ah just god just I want them both just AH.

THAT FRAME OF BEN AND NICK IS FUNNIER THAN THE ONE THAT WENT VIRAL.

I hate Ben. I am going to cry.

I’m scared Charlie’s going to pass out. Imagine he just falls off the tower lmao what a twist one of them literally dies 😭😭

HARRY! HARRY! HARRY! Good job Isaac.

Okay he JUST called are you serious?

Tao’s fits are fucking fire bro.

SO ARE YOU CHARLIE. SO ARE YOU.

Doing a friend lock instead of a boyfriend one is so real.

I’m really freaked about the end of the season. I feel like I know the storm that’s coming and I don’t know if I can take it.

Nick being able to talk to anyone about everything is the best trope of this entire show. He is truly a saint (Santa Claus type beat lmfao)

No Charlie eat please. I’m begging you. You deserve love and food. I love him. I love this show.

Kizzy is so handsome.

Things are falling apart. I am falling apart. This is bad. This is real bad.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ENJOY ELLE AND TAO WHEN I KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING ELSEWHERE???????

Yeah okay I’m enjoying it I LOVE THEM!!!!

THE BUTTERFLIES.

Beautiful artist couple.

I wanna understand. He wants. To. Understand. MY PARENTS DIDN’T EVEN— AHHHAGDJAHANDHEJAB he’s a saint.

Nick is about to make me uncontrollably sob.

He was so close to I love you fr.

I hate Nick’s outfit so much.

Charlie finding out he speaks French has me KICKING MY FUCKING FEET AND GIGGLING.

Gets in trouble, “Run!” *runs towards the person getting them in trouble*

They look so genuinely perfect together it’s insane. The casting for this shit is fucking crazy.

Goated soundtrack.

Why does Nick have to be dressed like this though like I get it but I completely do not get it.

I’m uncomfy.

Oh god. He doesn’t know me. This is getting way, WAY to real now.

I just belly laughed at Tao sheepishly shuffling out of the bathroom and going, “I have something to share.”

Okay this is adorable I wish I had friends in high school (or ever)

WAIT OH MY GOD—I was upset they got busted by I AM NOT EVEN REMOTELY UPSET ANYMORE.

This is fucking perfect.

This show does not fail to save me. It saved me with the first season and it’s saving me a second time now.

Isaac in the bookstore is so me.

Oh yes YES YES YES!

The pride street. I’m fucking sobbing.

The hand shot?!?!? THE HAND SHOT?!?!

I really need Tara and Darcy to talk.

Oh no this is not what I want I really do not want this I really don’t like that there is alc here in this situation.

Ben is here??? What???

Everyone and their brother has a crush on Charlie and like I totally get it but also he is so OBLIVIOUS.

LUCY DACUS???? FUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Also the ace/aro representation is so good I fuckin love you Isaac.

“No.”

Okay let me be so real, Harry is an ass but Ben assaulted Charlie and he gets to be here???? Like not that I want Harry to be around either but????? Like?????

WHO INVITED BEN?!?!?

TAO’S SCARY ASS CRAWL I CAN’T—

YES. YES NICK. FUCK IM CRASHING.

Darcy why tho.

They are such good actors it’s so hard to remember they aren’t actually in love.

Not to be delulu but they are so Merlin/Arthur core.

I thought they were about to have an “oh shit I’m about to get turned on” moment but it didn’t go that way.

ONE BED TROPE. YASSSSSS. YASSSS. GAY TEACHERS. YASSSS.

WHAT IS THAT MELODYYYY??????

They sleep like me and my gf do, always switching positions. Got that’s so real. I’m fucking obsessed.

Peach comforter cute as hell.

Good song. Heard it on the soundtrack before.

Holy BALLS JOE LOCKE IS BEAUTIFUL.

YES ELLE! YES ELLE!

TAO PICKING UP HIS MOTHER SUPREMACY

“My summer is for sleeping.” Tori is me.

Ben. Actually piss off. There will be no accidental adultery in this show. I’m manifesting.

Oh Darcy. The purple clouds are amazing detail but Oh Darcy.

Tell him. Tell him. Tell him.

Tell him.

Tell him.

You promised. Tell him.

CONAN GRAY? IN MY CITY?

PHYSICALLY GASPED AT ELLE.

Yes. Yes Isaac yes. Fuck. I love you Isaac. YOU ARE FREE FROM EVERYONE ELSE’S PICTURE OF LIFE. YOU’RE AMAZING. FUCK.

MORE CONAN?

Yes Tao. He’s fucking supportive. I can see it in his face.

THE PAINTING???? THE ART ROOM?????

TAO THAt IS SO FUCKING MATURE.

My parents will never accept me either but I’m not a goddamn predator asshole.

This is fucking RAW. Oh my GOD. God, Charlie that was fucking powerful and perfect. Me too. I feel it. I felt you. AND HE STEPPED AWAY FROM THE RAINBOW HE COULD HAVE GONE IN AND SEEN.

FUCK.

Fuck you David. I already know you’re about to do some DUMB SHIT.

Bro did they not warn Charlie’s parents?????

GO OFF TORI.

Oh my god GO OFF NICK???? GO OFF???? HOLY FUCK????

He’s not a very good dad, is he?

I like Nick’s pink shirt.

I love Tori so fucking much. Oh my GOD.

Your brother’s a prick.

Oh Nick. Oh NICK. Oh Nick.

Darcy, baby. Fuck.

(Good ass soundtrack tho)

Episode 8

I’m so stressed about Charlie. Please no storm.

Okay this time the soundtrack jumped in a little too strong????

SWITCH! SWITCH!

NICK’S OUTFIT IS FIRE (it’s just the jumper but still)

ALLY! ALLY! (Except they’re both gay lmfao)

WINGWOMAN! That’s the word.

Tell him. Tell him. Tell him.

Fuck. I’m gonna sob.

YES THEY’RE CONNECTING.

Me neither.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Noooo Charlie nooooo it’s not gonna be like that. Charlie I’m so sorry. Fuck fuck fuck.

FOLKLORE POSTER??? YES??

GOD ELLE IS GORGEOUS. AND I LOVE HER PARENTS.

CHARLIE LOOKS FANTASTIC WTFFFFFFF.

Isaac with the book I love it.

God Seven’s gonna play about Darcy. Seven’s gonna fucking play about Darcy.

MLM WLW SOLIDARITY

YASSSS GET IT QUEEN!!!!

I FUCKING LOVE TAO’S LITTLE HEARTS?????

AND ELLE HAS THEM OHHHHH MY GOD.

lmao Tori.

Harry 🫠🫠🫠🫠

YES GAY TEACHERS.

Imogen is literally gay lmfao.

YAS ISAAC GOT LEAVES FUCK YES FUCK YES I’m sobbing I love queer joy I’m gonna fall apart

The way VERY OBVIOUSLY QUEER extras are the ones gossiping and stressing Charlie out 😭😭😭

No. No. No.

Fuck that woman so hard oh my god.

TINY NICK.

Me too Darcy. I love you. THEY ARE PERFECT. THEY ARE PERFECT. They are me 😭😭 this is so personal to me.

SEVEN! SEVEN! SEVEN! ITS SO SAPPHIC! ITS SO THEM!

These people have got to know they are making something so FUCKING special for queer people. This is my next tattoo for sure.

Queer joy.

THEY LOOK MARRIED!!! THEY LOOK MARRIED!!!!?

THIS IS SO DOMESTIC.

Please talk to him.

Do not fight right now I swear to god.

You don’t have to be perfect with me.

Oh Charlie oh my god. Nick’s fuckiNG TEARS—I just.

This scene. Is. Perfect. Fuck.

THE WHISPERING. THE FUCKING WHISPERING. THE BROKEN ASS WHISPERING.

FOREHEAD KISSES????? IN THIS ECONOMY??????

That blue looks GOOD on him.

The storm was a light rain that spilled the rivers over, but it was fun to walk in and the mud made nice pies, and everything was alright, because they made them together.

this SONG????????

BANGING MY HEAD AGAINSST A WALL.

In conclusion, I will be getting a heartstopper tattoo at my nearest convenience. I’ll be sure to post it.

Also, here’s a cookie for lasting this long 🍪

[banana-together]

MY THOUGHTS ON THE LU UPDATE IN ORDER. SPOILERS OF COURSE.

- WARRIORS TEASING TWI. ADORABLE.

- I love the scars on Wars’ hands

- Wild looks so relieved

- Sky’s just pissed cuz Wind made him run down the hall

- “Wind, I swear this better be something good”

- I love the way Jojo illustrated ‘the battle’

- HYRULE AND TIME FREAKING OUT WHEN IT WORKS

- SILHOUETTE HYRULE AND SILHOUETTE TWI (I don’t know what to call them)

- “we all know the weight of your words” AHHHHHHHH

- WILD. NEEDS. A. HUG.

- WILD. GOT. A. HUG. YES.

- “can’t lose any one of you, not a single one” I AM CRYING

- THE GANGS ALL HERE

- oooo. Four’s gonna go apologize to Wild now. This should be good.