#I AM HYPER AWARE OF HOW LITTLE MY HIGH SCHOOL HAS ACTUALLY TAUGHT ME

[trenchcroats]

Folks, just went to first Japanese class and they were doing kanji

I don't know kanji

[bluemoonpunch]

*Youtuber Voice* Let's Talk... 😩

I went outside today and it was like a ~thing~ and July is a ~thing~ and the Eclipses are a ~thing~ too, so I’m going to talk about me because my Throat Chakra is fucked and one of the biggest blocks I have is that I’m afraid to talk about shit that is about ME.

Basically, I went outside, like out into the backyard, out into nature, even though it was very hot and there were bugs, and I had an accumulative epiphany about all my bullshit and why my bullshit has been so bullshitty lately. 

It has a lot to do with my strings being cut. If you’ve gotten a personal reading with me before you might have gotten a long drawn out explanation of how certain cycles of soul progression occur internally and then reflect externally, and along with that we have cycles where we are very obviously being guided by the Universe or our Guides, which is then followed by a time where the SOUL has complete and total control and you are essentially guiding yourself. That’s me right now and it’s really fucking annoying.

When you’re being guided — or ME. When I’m being guided it feels like I’m a puppet and I can literally feel those strings attached to my arms and legs, I can feel myself being pulled here and there, having things shown to me, everything is laid out. It feels like that because my Guides know what I HAVE TO DO, they know the contracts, the mission statements, the purpose, the fate, the destiny, all that shit that I can’t consciously remember and put together on my own. They pick me up and put me down in places but I still have to consciously walk in the door, take the path, say the words, meet the people, whatever. It’s a balance, but when I’m very aware that I’m being guided and it’s very obvious to me that this is going to play out exactly as I’m being shown, I trust it and I go with it.

And that is a new thing for me, tbh. It wasn’t until after my mom died that I was like, oh… that’s a thing. I knew this was going to happen because it had to happen because this is going to shoot me off into a whole new situation that I need to align with. I was really fucking scared about it, I don’t like change, I don’t like new things, I’m an asshole like that, but after a year of hell, I literally had no other choice but to trust it and fully put my faith into what I was being VERY CLEARLY guided to do. I went through all the motions, moved in with my grandparents, got a job, met all these people, worked on my anxiety, and then in a very weird and not at all my doing kind of way people started asking me for tarot readings at work. Then they suggested doing a shop, and it was one of those things that was like whispering in my ear like, “yeah, go with that, you need to do that.”

There was a whole lot of other shit happening within me intuitively, energetically, on a soul level that was really propelling that as well, but when it came down to it I was trusting myself only because I knew someone or something else beyond me had my back. I was being pushed to do certain things, and was being shown that if I did it this would happen and that would happen, and then those things would actually happen. So, in a way there’s almost that kind of curiosity on my end of treating it like an experiment where I was just like if I follow this and actually go through with all these little things with no hesitation, will I actually see the results that they are promising me? And guess what, I did. Literally down to the finest details. 

So, I have trust, and I guess even though it sounds cheesy, I have faith and a very strong belief in my ability to get the words of my Guides and move forward with them as my template or my guidelines, my map.

BUT!!!

What the fuck am I supposed to trust and have faith in when they decide to cut the strings because this phase of my ~mission~ or my ~purpose~ is over? Me??? Myself??? I??? Lol, sure, yeah, okay.

Like, no offense to me, but I fucking suck. 

I mean, I don’t suck, but like…. >.> You know…

Objectively speaking, if I were to step outside of myself and look at me, I definitely do NOT suck. Like, you guys don’t know me personally, but if you could see where I was just two years ago versus where I am right now you wouldn’t even be able to comprehend what the hell happened. It literally looks like I woke up one day and decided to change my entire life and then I just DID after years and years of not being able to do ANYTHING. From the outside looking in, I fucking rock, I’m the baddest bitch you’re ever going to come across, but from the inside, I see myself as a puppet who just lost it’s strings and is sitting there like, “Oh… I’m a real person now.”

My soul is in charge now and it’s more about what I WANT to do rather than what I HAVE to do, and I don’t know how the fuck to cope with that. I don’t think anyone does. Like, if you think about it, society and shit is really that conscious level puppet master that we all have to deal with, and even if we say we want to break away from it and be our own person, think for ourselves, fend for ourselves, be true individuals, we’d all lose our shit if we didn’t have that map, those guidelines, those milestones, those boxes, and labels. 

We can rebel against it all we want but socially and consciously, we want that shit. We really fucking want it because it gives us that feeling of being the puppet, of having those strings picking us up, feeling a bit more weightless because, in some respects, we don’t want to have to think for ourselves because then we don’t have to put the blame on ourselves when shit goes wrong. It’s society that is corrupting us, it’s our parents, it’s religion, bla bla bla, excuses excuses.

So, that’s just a thing that we have, it’s part of being human, but on SOUL level, when the strings are cut, the strings are cut. There’s not another set of strings to pick up and attach yourself to, there’s not a soul college following soul high school, it’s just you, and you’re in charge, and there are no other people, systems, or ideas outside of yourself that can dictate where you go from there, even if on a temporary basis.

And the thing is, when I see that shit for other people in personal readings, it looks amazing because I’m always shown it as them being able to do ANYTHING that they want to do and their Higher Self, their Guides, the whole fucking Universe will lay out every path they can to make sure they get what they want. It’s like a reward for doing the work that you were guided to do. You did what you HAD TO and now you get to do what you WANT TO. That’s fucking insane, that’s amazing. 

But ME — I’m just sitting here looking at all this cool stuff I have now, looking at Blue Moon Punch, looking at how I’ve changed, looking at all that I’ve done in such a short amount of time and I’m just ragging on myself like, “lol, I didn’t do this, they did it. My Guides did it. They pulled the strings. I can’t maintain this on my own. It’s just going to fall apart.”

Objectively, however, I’m like, “BITCH????? YOU did the WORK. They gave you the instruction manual but YOU did the fucking WORK.” 

And then I question the whole thing like I don’t have the manual anymore, so what? Like, I’m such shit because I disregard the fact that I don’t need a fucking manual anymore specifically because I learned already how to use these tools, how to put things together. Like, that’s the whole thing, that’s the whole reason I get to do what I WANT to do — because I CAN. Like???? Come on, ME, stop being an idiot.

Now, why is this happening? Right? That’s the whole thing that I was curious about when I went outside — Why can’t I function like this? Why am I more anxious about this, why am I so completely fucked over the idea of having to do things on my own in a sense? And really, it’s not about being on my own, because obviously, my Guides are still there, it’s just that I’m in control. I’m the authority in my own life and I’m like LOL about it.

One of the revelations that I had while sitting outside for the first time a million years was that I tend to second guess myself a lot because other people have kind of always forced me to do that in a lot of ways in a lot of different scenarios. Everything in my mind goes back to the word “Brat” because that’s what I was called whenever I ~overly expressed myself~ such as throwing tantrums or hitting people, running away, not wanting to be around people when I was really little. 

I know, ME, I know that I was always acting a fucking mess as a little kid because I was being sexually abused by three dudes in our apartment complex while also being severely bullied in school by a bunch of older kids while having no friends. I knew that but having everything I did as a cry for help (which is all a 6-year-old can do honestly) be dismissed as, “she’s just being a brat” really taught me to question my own perception of things. Like, is that kind of stuff really that bad? Am I overreacting? Am I really just being a brat? 

Learning that at a very young age around that kind of thing just built up this filter for EVERYTHING else. I was always very hyper-aware of other people, how they were looking at me, how they talked to me, and how they talked about me. I would like test the waters and mention things, see how they react, try to express myself in one way or another, but as you can imagine, I’ve always been a bit fucking weird with my talking to dead people and interest in the occult upon other things. 

So, I’m very squished inside myself, I’m very careful about what I show to people, what I say, how I say it, even with my family. ESPECIALLY with my family — they’re all Cancers and Geminis, aka Big Mouth Betty’s who love to talk to everyone about everything. 

You see, shit like that that gets pressed into your brain when you’re really young can just fester into this giant thing that touches everything that you experience in life. With the blog, I’m always afraid to be as direct and as clear as I could be specifically because I feel like I’m giving you something personal. I’m giving you my interpretation, I’m giving you my perspective, which I see as potentially being “overdramatic” or “too much” or just flat out wrong. 

I trust myself to receive the information but I don’t trust myself to express it in a way that makes everyone else happy, or that makes me look not entitled, not crazy, not a “brat”, even though that’s so far away from the point of it. 

Even though I try to keep everything objective, I still have that pride and that need to overcompensate for that insecurity that I feel towards my own validity in all areas of my life. I really can’t help but think of everything that I do as being representative of me as a whole person. Like one reading that I post on the blog defines me for that entire week in my head. That’s all I am to everyone until I post something else. All of my thoughts, words, and actions define my entire being, my entire life, moment to moment — that’s how I see it. I don’t exist anywhere else.

And that’s true for everyone, that’s why we dress up to go places and put on friendly faces and voices for a job interview, that shit matters. But for me, more personally, it almost feels dangerous to come off like “too much” because when I was little being “too much” cost me my entire childhood, my mental and physical health, and my sense of security within myself. I genuinely feel so vulnerable and so at risk every time I post something or say something, talk about anything relating to deeper shit, because I see it as a reflection of me in my entirety, and I see ME as the foundation of everything I built. 

Actually, that’s a good way to describe it. I feel like I took all the bad bits, everything I hated, and I turned it into the dirt and I built all of this stuff up on top of it. I put myself underneath all of this awesome and righteous shit, and every time I put something out, every time I say anything to anyone, I feel like I’m exposing my foundations. I feel like I’m giving you the opportunity to just start hacking away at my foundations with scrutiny and criticism, which in my mind will bring everything crumbling down. Like, in my head, one bad review on my shop is going to destroy everything and I’ll have no job and I’ll be back living in horrible conditions. Or I’ll do a predictive reading and it doesn’t turn out the way I said it would and suddenly all my validity is gone and everything else that I have put out is null and void. 

Someone sent in an ask about why I keep things so vague, and there was much more to it than that, but I was focused on that bit today while I was outside, and I was real with myself about it. I usually say that I keep things vague because I want to respect the privacy of the celebrity and idol’s that I do readings on, and that is true, but there’s some shit that I leave out specifically because it’s too specific, it’s too on the nose, and I go back to that feeling of, “well, if I’m wrong, I’m fucked.” My credibility is on the line, my foundations are at risk, red alert, shut it down. 

And when I think about it, that’s such a gross and weird manipulative tactic. Like, it’s not so dramatic where I’m literally feeding you guys bullshit, but I do hit a wall on occasion where I pull back and have to either completely remove things or paint them in a way where I pretend to be confused by it so that if I’m right, lucky me, if not, then, well, I just wasn’t seeing it right. That’s literally so fucking weird to think about, but that’s what I do. I can guarantee you, if there’s a part in a reading on the blog where I say “I don’t know how to explain it” or “This confused me,” it probably didn’t, I was just afraid of being as blatant about it because it was probably coming through really, really clearly and I was like, lol no. 

But see, in personal readings I don’t really do that because it’s one-on-one, and I don’t feel so exposed. There’s that whole aspect of consent as well where the person paid for a reading, their energy is open, I’m open, we’re exchanging information and it feels a lot more stable, and I feel like I — ME — can trust THEM to not rip me apart. Whereas doing a reading for the blog, I’m putting someone else who has not given me concent on blast to people who could rip us BOTH apart. So, there’s that weird filter that I put up and that they (the celebrity or idol) put up because we’re both going in like, lol, we’re not safe, but let's see if we can help each other out here.

Like, I’m such a sensitive bitch omg. Criticism to me is so much more than just being told that I’m wrong or that something isn’t as good as it could be, but I still don’t see it as an attack necessarily because I never feel the need to defend myself. I’ll defend myself only when it comes to someone telling me that I’m not doing the work. Like if you come at me and try to tell me I don’t spend enough time on these readings or that I don’t put any effort in or I don’t really care about it, I’ll fucking clap back so fast, like watch the fuck out. You can NOT tell me that I don’t do the work, but you absolutely could tell me that my work is shit and pointless, and I will absolutely believe you. 

Legit, I worked three weeks on those monthly readings, and I was so excited about them because it would be something really cheap that anyone could get. They were really detailed, and I used a new deck with them, and it was going to be the new THING. Like, I was really hyping myself up and I was like, yeah, this is going to be great because it’s the eclipses and everyone’s going to really get something from these, and since I’ll be making a bit of money from that I can take a break from personal readings and get things around for the blog and do some work. Like I was really out here living on cloud fucking nine with that shit, and then I LET SOMEONE tell me they weren’t worth the money and that I was a bad person for thinking I deserved to be compensated for the work that I put into those.

Like, I just LET SOMEONE tell me what was up in a matter of two minutes whereas my SOUL was telling me what’s up for three weeks prior. The second I felt like I was being called a “brat” I folded so quick, like all of that build up just went away because I LET SOMEONE put me back in that headspace.

If we really boil that down, that’s why I’m shit and that’s why I don’t think I can handle being in charge. It’s so easy to completely throw me off because in a lot of ways, I’m still stuck in the past, still insecure, still very willing to let people tell me what I am and who I am, and that’s not okay. And I know I have to process it, I have to literally dig up those foundations, get all that shit out of the soil and let it go, but I’m like so stupidly aware of my vibration and my soul progression and where I am and what I’m trying to do, that I just get so scared that if I go back to that, if I face it AGAIN, that I’m just going to get sucked in and then there’s no going back. It’s all going to crumble again and I just won’t have it in me to build it all back up on my own without the strings, without the guidance.

Like I would give anything to feel the way I felt when we were working on the Soul Body stuff for BTS and when I was really pulling together parts of the soul group. Like I was in my element then and I really felt good about what I was doing and I wasn’t so afraid to put stuff out there, but that was only because I was being guided to do so. I was in that state of pure trust in what I was being shown and it was being validated by how people started to find the blog and how everything played out with the healing, and the results of it. Like it was trust and validation back to back, non-stop, but now I’m in a phase where I have to learn to trust and validate myself on my own.

I have so many ideas and plans for BMP, all of which sprang up FROM MY FUCKING SOUL a month or so ago when I felt those strings get cut and I KNOW they are things that I WANT to do, and I feel so good about them, and the monthly readings were one of them, but I get so in my head and I get so nervous about what other people are going to think, how am I going to look, how am I going to fuck this all up? 

So, bAsICaLlY, I want to experiment again, as in doing what I did in the second half of 2018 where I completely put my faith in my Guides to guide me, but this time around really go with my soul. Like full on, whatever gives me that excited, tight chest, adrenalin kind of feeling, I’m going to do everything in my power to pursue and see it through. And since I can get in my head about shit, I’m only holding myself to it until the end of the year (and hopefully shit will have turned out well enough that I’ll just be in that headspace well into 2020 as well). 

I invite you guys to do that as well, even if it’s just a little bit. Pay attention to your SOUL. Whenever you get one of those ideas or you come across something that makes you excited. Like, just that kind of shit that makes your heart race and immediately floods your brain with inspiration and images of opportunities and abundance, and all that kind of stuff — pursue it. We, as people in society, are so quick to shut things like that down because it’s considered childish to be that excited about something, or we think of certain things as being impossible or out of reach, and just… WHY? 

When you feel shit like that, when it’s like about to all explode out of your chest, that’s your SOUL. Your SOUL is reacting to you finally, on a conscious level, catching something that it’s been throwing at you for days, weeks, months, or even years. If it feels like too much or something that you can’t do, keep in fucking mind that there’s not a damn thing that is within reach or easy to do for anyone ever. The only thing that’s really scary is the idea of doing something outside of your comfort zone, and what’s outside of your comfort zone is what’s outside of that map, it’s anything that removes your strings. 

None of us want to live with strings but sometimes it’s necessary, but when you have the opportunity to cut them off, even in one area of your life, try to embrace it. Try to move with that feeling and DO IT. Again, I’m presenting this challenge for myself only for the last 6 months of the year, and just imagine how things can change in that amount of time. In 2017, within three months alone, I went from living in a roach-infested house with no running water and not a dime to my name to living in my own apartment (which is owned by my grandparents by whatever) with a job and money coming in. Shit really can change like that overnight even if you’ve been down and low for a long, long, long time. 

Fully 100% I’m using this post as a way to kind of commit myself to this, to honoring myself and to putting my own inner guidance and awareness over external factors that may only exist in order to bring me down and stop me from moving forward. I really do want you guys to try it as well and I want you to check out the monthly readings (available here) because a lot of them did have stuff regarding changes and really stepping into your power, and I think they still stand up for what they are.

In addition to that, I have two videos here to share from Aluna Ash and Olivia of OJC Astrology. These videos both came out today and they both really resonated with me after my little outdoor escapade of self-awareness and other fuckery. I think at least one of them will hit home with every person that read this far down. 

And that’s all I guess, thanks for reading. :)

[artificialqueens]

She Calls Me Your Highness - Sharon/Willam - pureCAMP

A/N - not sure how i managed this because i literally have an exam on monday but in the space of a few hours in the afternoon i wrote this and voila i guess its a fic challenge entry!

i went with sharon/willam for my rarepair (we need more of this wtf) and see if you can spot some of the silly cliches in here! i hope u all enjoy and pls send me lots of love bc i need it, like tinkerbell

(this is so long idk why aaaa)

Willam has an odd relationship with Sharon.

Well. That’s one way of putting it, anyway.

It started, she pondered, the moment they had met, eight years ago at the tender age of thirteen. Sharon was this scruffy thing, tall and skinny and entirely too long to look normal, dressed in ill-fitting scraps with a keen glint in her eyes. There was a smudge of dirt on her cheek that Willam’s gaze had fixated on immediately.

The large, stocky man behind her coughed subtly, nudging Sharon with his foot. Willam had waited patiently, her parents stood protectively either side of her.

It was the first time anyone had ever forgotten to curtsey.

A sharp thwack to the back of Sharon’s head soon corrected that wrong, and then she grinned at Willam as if to apologise. Which, whilst charming, was definitely not the correct protocol to address a young princess.

“Sharon.” The handler hissed. “Do you intend on eating tonight? Introduce yourself.”

Willam pursed her lips and remained silent; after all, she had been taught to do so. It was polite to allow non-royal folk a chance to exercise their poor attempts at grace and decorum. As a future ruler, it would make her look kind and down-to-earth, which was a desirable image. Everything was about cultivating the right image, as Willam would come to learn.

Sharon ran a hand - skeletal, with long, knobbly fingers - through her ratty almost-white hair. “Hello.”

Her voice was plain, provincial, with a hint of theatricality behind the emphasis in the way she spoke. There was nothing too offensive about it, but her parents had gasped as though affronted and the handler, who Willam was beginning to dislike, delivered another well-placed slap to the back of Sharon’s head.

She had forgotten to address her properly.

Rubbing the tender spot, she tried again. “Hello, Willam?”

Back then, Willam hadn’t known that she should be taking offense, but all children learn through doing. Surely, logically, judging by the muttered curses of her father and the utter mortification of the now-exasperated handler, she should be highly taken aback. She did her best to mimic their expressions, and to suppress the slight twinge of sympathy she felt when yet another blow struck the young girl.

At that point, it had seemed like Sharon was truly at a loss. Looking back on it, she hadn’t behaved insolent and rude, she had simply behaved like a child who didn’t know any better - or a child who knew better but had evidently forgotten in the face of a brand new situation.

“Princess?” Sharon attempted a third time, the glint in her eyes replaced with a nervous, hopeful shine.

The final blow came out of nowhere, and knocked the unsteady girl to the ground. Her height meant nothing in the absence of adolescent strength, and she hit the floor with the full force of an adult man. The handler placed his foot in the centre of her back, grabbed a handful of her hair and wrenched her head upwards so that, as she struggled for breath, her eyes could meet nobody’s except for Willam’s. Her face was directly level with Willam’s feet.

“G-Good to meet you, Your Highness.”

Satisfied, Willam’s parents and the somewhat cruel handler left the room to begin their business discussion, something that Willam was no doubt too young to understand or take part in. She didn’t know why Sharon had been brought to her, or why anything that had happened in the last few minutes had actually happened, but such was the life of a princess learning to be queen. Sharon stayed on the floor, her gaze still level with Willam’s feet, her breaths shaky and uneven.

Everyone said that was simply her place; on the ground, far beneath Willam. A lowly serving girl and nothing more.

It only took a few lessons in grace and status for Willam to learn that it was indeed the truth, and to quietly, complacently accept that girls like Sharon belonged where they were, and were treated how they were treated for good reason. So after that it was okay, she presumed.

–

Then they were fifteen, and Willam’s parents were holding a ball in the palace. It was fantastic news for Willam, who had been dying to meet with her friends for ages only to find them all busy with various courtly duties. Princess Alaska of the neighbouring kingdom had been away in some special school, no doubt nurturing her singing talent, and Willam had missed laughing with her. Princess Courtney hadn’t exactly been busy, per se, but she lived so far that the expenditures for travelling were a little too high, so letters had to suffice.

That meant that Willam’s only real company - discounting the governesses, who didn’t count because they were fucking boring - were the servants. Most of them didn’t really speak to Willam all that much, hyper aware that saying the wrong thing could cost more than their job was worth. Only one ever seemed to have the sheer gall to bite back and engage - and to nobody’s surprise, it was Sharon.

Willam reasoned to herself that she had requested Sharon specifically an hour and a half before the ball began because she was entertaining. Yes, that was it. That was the only reason, of course.

Her entrance was less than graceful, starkly different to that of the other serving girls. She didn’t lightly pad in, delicately opening the door and balancing the teapot and tray in the other arm - oh no, not at all. Sharon, ever the practical one, opted to barge the door open with her hip and charge in with the tea laid out in the tray which she held steadily with two hands.

Practical, yes, but unconventional and unbecoming of a palace servant.

“Hey, it’s my favourite ever princess. Afternoon, Willam.” She settled the tray down on a nearby table and flashed a grin - showing off her hideous gap tooth. It wasn’t hideous, really, and Willam was quite fond of it, but she had been told it wasn’t desirable, so she pretended she found it disgusting.

“You’re not supposed to call me that.” She retorted, crossing her arms over her chest.

Sharon shrugged. “What, princess?”

She was being pedantic. Sharon was always pedantic, which would’ve been infuriating if Willam wasn’t secretly the same way. Plus, although it was a secret she would never share, Willam was sure that if Sharon wore nicer clothes, tended to her hair and scrubbed off the dirt that appeared habitually on her cheeks, she would be quite pleasing to look at. Only if she made all that effort, though.

“No, Willam. You’re not supposed to call me Willam.”

The argument was pointless. Sharon shrugged a second time.

“It’s your God-given name, isn’t it? Am I not allowed to address you as God would?”

“You’re not God.”

“And thank fuck for that.”

Yeah, that was another thing about Sharon; she swore like a sailor, and it had gotten her in heaps of trouble throughout her time at the palace. Willam, nevertheless, appreciated the refreshing colloquialisms that reminded her that life existed beyond the palace walls.

Sharon picked up the tray again, starting towards the parlour that led off from Willam’s bedchambers. Still laughing, Willam shook her head and flopped onto the bed beside her ballgown, which was laid out ready for the evening.

“Sharon…” She whined, deliberately elongating her name. “Just do it in here, I can’t be bothered to walk all the way into there.”

The fatal mistake came when Willam grabbed Sharon’s forearm, forgetting that her hands were perpetually icy and shocking to the touch. Sharon jerked instinctively, and time seemed to slow down as the tray clattered to the floor, the teapot spilled open, and its entire contents splattered over Willam’s ballgown.

Willam stifled a laugh, which stilled into a chilling silence as she studied Sharon’s face. She had frozen in place, her mouth open ever-so-slightly, her eyes wide and filled with fright. Fragments of the now-shattered teapot littered the floor as evidence of the mistake and the dress… The dress was utterly ruined.

“Sharon, it’s okay-” Willam began, before one of the governesses came to discover the source of the sudden commotion.

“What is- Oh, you useless girl!” She cried out, grabbing Sharon by the wrist and forcing her aside. “Look what you’ve done to that beautiful dress! That cost more than your whole family could earn in ten years!”

The analogy shook Willam a little bit, wondering if it meant that the dress was expensive, Sharon’s family was poor, or an upsetting mixture of the two. More worrying was the attitude and confidence that had drained out of Sharon and puddled on the floor along with the tea.

“I-I know, ma’am, I’m sorry.”

Willam remembered being so annoyed that Sharon was taking the blame. She hadn’t done anything wrong, for crying out loud, and yet she had clammed up uncharacteristically and accepted her responsibility for it.

“Ada, be reasonable.” Willam tried to calm the angry governess. “Look, all that happened was that Sharon was carrying the tea into the parlour and I-”

Sharon cut in swiftly. “I stumbled and dropped the tray, ma’am. I-I truly didn’t mean to, and if you would permit me to express how sorry I am I would like to redeem myself by helping Her Highness prepare for the ball.”

The governess snorted. “Hmph. Insolent girl. You may help the princess, after you have been punished for this silly amateur mishap. Do not let this happen again or the consequences will be much more severe. In the meantime, I will have Governess Nina bring out the spare gown.”

Willam lay on the bed and closed her eyes after they left, humming to try and drown out the sound of the whip cracking through the air and the pained cries that followed each one. She turned over once and then again, her stomach churning with a mixture of guilt and anger that didn’t sit well with her at all. She would never be able to figure out Sharon Needles, she decided, as a particularly agonised scream had her curling in on herself, sure she had caused that pain and simultaneously adamant that she hadn’t, given Sharon’s insistence.

She was fucking confusing, that was for sure.

Still as unwavering as ever, Sharon had appeared nonetheless a short while later, her hair more dishevelled than before and her face adorning a tight smile. Her steps were slow and deliberate and Willam ached to think of the damage the cruel whip had done to her, for no reason. She said nothing as Sharon let herself in, and examined the new dress on the bed.

“Well. If anything, I think this dress is prettier than the first one.” Sharon said dryly.

Willam rose to her feet, incensed. “Why the fuck would you do that? You know damn well that was my fault and she would never have fucking whipped me for it, so why even bother taking the blame? Are you an idiot?”

“No, Willam, I’m a servant. I’m beneath you. It’s my job to take the flack when shit like this happens.”

She had crossed her arms, and Willam’s eyes darted unwittingly to her chest before rising up again, only adding to her flushed cheeks.

“Your job is to serve, not to lie and take the heat for me.”

Sharon rolled her eyes and began to prepare the dress for Willam. “You’re welcome.”

“…Thanks.” Willam acquiesced, huffing slightly. “I’m not gonna apologise for going off on you, because I meant it and also I don’t apologise, but thanks for doing that. It wasn’t necessary, but it was nice I guess.”

It hit Willam all of a sudden the many times she had broken or ruined something, and the many times she had received no penance for it. Perhaps it wasn’t such a coincidence that Sharon always had dirt on her cheek, a bruise on her arm, a limp in her walk. Surely she hadn’t been taking responsibility for that the whole time?

God, if Sharon could stop and make sense for five minutes, it would make Willam’s life a lot easier. She still couldn’t work out if she actually liked Sharon, or if she didn’t.

“You’re not… you’re not mad at me, right?” Willam breached the topic as she stood before the mirror, Sharon behind her.

Sharon’s fingers were still long and knobbly, but swift and adept at performing most tasks she was asked to do. She fiddled with the laces of the corset and raised an eyebrow in nonchalance.

“Sounding a little insecure there, Willam.”

Infuriating. “No, I just mean - God, you’re an asshole. I mean for taking all the hits for me.”

“I’m not mad.” Sharon replied shortly.

She tugged on the corset strings, and Willam bucked forward, all of the air in her throat exiting in one strangled gasp as Sharon viciously tightened it to suck in her waist.

Oh, she was mad. Yeah, Willam didn’t like her again.

–

Eighteen years old. Another ball. Courtney was somewhere fraternizing with the rest of the foreigners (as Willam affectionately called her family and the rest of them), and Willam would rather die than talk to Vicky, so she started looking around for Alaska. She should’ve known the leggy blonde wasn’t there from the absence of her screechy laugh, but she paced the ballroom for a short while before deciding to step out into the gardens in a fit of anger.

Alaska wasn’t even in the ballroom, and Willam knew she hadn’t skipped out on the event because she had seen her sweeping in with her parents, her petite figure hidden beneath her opulent blue gown.

Where the hell had she got to?

Willam grabbed a glass of champagne from a passing servant and began to wander through the garden, stewing in her own frustration. The tightness of her corset wasn’t helping matters, either, as she tried to sit on a bench a few inches from the barn and found the task nearly impossible. Briefly, she thought about the freedom of the birds that fluttered above her in the branches, before dismissing the notion as too cliche and sickeningly cringy. Willam had more freedom than she cared to acknowledge - her only real constraint was fashion.

Still, she kicked a trowel out of her way and began pacing again, irritated at Alaska’s absence. She better have a good explanation for it, or else Willam would have to write to Vicky after the ball and tell her that Alaska was absolutely enchanted with her, and they should meet up as soon as possible to discuss a family alliance. It was cruel, yes, but it was what she deserved for leaving Willam all alone. She sighed, and turned back towards the palace.

The barn light was on.

Why the hell was the barn light on? Nobody was in the barn. There weren’t even any horses in the barn, or whatever else was kept in there (Willam didn’t know, having never been allowed to step foot somewhere so dirty). If some idiot servant had left the candles lit amongst all that hay, there would be hell to pay - that is, if the entire fucking palace didn’t burn down.

She considered fetching Charles, the gardener, but figured that it wasn’t fair to bother him on his night off. Her mind filled her with instances of Sharon - fucking Sharon crossing her mind again, annoying bitch - taking the blame for Willam’s messiness, and she decided perhaps it was her time to help out a forgetful servant.

The door to the barn was heavy, but opened slowly and silently as Willam pushed on it. It allowed her ample time to examine the room before her, taking in nothing but piles of hay and candles lit all around the edges to give the place some light. Empty, it seemed.

Or not. The silence of the door and Willam’s light footsteps gave nothing away as she slowly stepped in, snuffing the two candles either side of the door. It made little difference to the amount of light in the room, but it was a start. Two more steps forwards towards the next candle and Willam suddenly heard a rustling that made her heart stop.

Was it some kind of wild animal? Or a trap, maybe, designed to lure an innocent - allegedly - princess to her grisly end? Okay, maybe not so much the last one, considering the amount of variables that had led to Willam entering the barn in the first place. Still, some kind of crazy raccoon or fox wasn’t really off limits, not yet.

Willam held her breath as she began to tiptoe around the largest mound of hay, which rose up several feet beyond her height. Then, filling her with first fear, then dread, and lastly confusion, she heard a giggle.

“Do that again,” A voice floated out, ever-so quiet, and yet oddly familiar in a way Willam couldn’t place. She stood still and listened.

Another voice replied. “What, this?”

Both voices seemed far too familiar, but in her confusion Willam had no idea who they were. She kept straining to listen, hoping that the more she heard, the sooner she would remember who the voices belonged to. In the meantime, she heard a soft gasp and a satisfied hum.

“If someone saw us right now-” The first voice said, though she didn’t sound worried at all.

“What would you do?” The second asked, and did something that caused the first to giggle again.

“Probably keep kissing you.”

A gasp. “You’re so bad.”

“You’re a bad influence on me, baby. Oh my god!”

Whatever the oh my god was in response to, Willam didn’t care to find out, because the voices suddenly registered in her mind and it was enough to send her reeling. She stepped out from behind the hay to confront to two.

“Okay, what the fuck?!”

Willam wasn’t quite sure what she expected, but this certainly wasn’t it.

Alaska lay against the hay, her beautiful gown still thankfully draped across her but her hair and her lipstick all in disarray. Her eyes were sparkling with what initially seemed like arousal, but something deeper and more tender filled her gaze. Straddled over her hips was Sharon, dressed in a manner than Willam had never seen her in before, her eyes clouded with the same amalgamation of lust, desire and affection as Alaska’s. For starters, she was wearing breeches, which were impossibly tight and brown and clung to every sinful curve of her ass and thighs in a way that was deeply inappropriate for any lady, even a poor one. The off-white blouse she was wearing had long, billowing sleeves that were rolled up to her elbows, and it was half ripped open, presumably by Alaska’s hands, to reveal her breasts. Her chest was heaving up and down and Willam couldn’t tear her eyes away.

“Willam!” Alaska screeched, pushing Sharon off of her and shooting to her feet. “I - uh - we were just-”

“Save it.” Willam nearly spat, not sure why she was angry but too incensed to step back and think about it. “I can see what you were doing, it’s clear as fucking crystal. Are you insane?! She’s a servant!”

Alaska babbled helplessly, fussing with her hair and trying her hardest to save face. Sharon, now stood a few feet behind her, was breathing heavily, evidently also angry, but her failure to button up her shirt had Willam going dizzy.

“You’re a princess, and she’s a servant.” She repeated, well aware that this was what was causing Sharon’s fiery glare. “And you’re making out in my fucking barn? Don’t you have any common sense? Aren’t your parents in the midst of planning your fucking marriage?”

Alaska had the decency to look ashamed, but still attempted to defend herself. “Actually, they’re not, Willam. I did what you said and I told them I’m not ready, and they said it was okay and they’ve given me more time.”

“How did you even meet? Is this the first time that you’ve-” The words caught in Willam’s throat, but she didn’t know why. She refused to meet Sharon’s eyes and directed her fury to Alaska.

“I-”

Sharon stepped forwards, and Willam hated how shameless she was with her nudity. “No, Your Highness, this isn’t the first time this has happened. But not here.”

They both fell silent. Neither of them told Willam where they had met, and her wrath only incurred further. Still, Alaska’s eyes were filled with guilty tears, and perhaps it was time she doled out some of her anger on Sharon instead.

“Your mother wants you. Go find her.”

Alaska didn’t need to be told twice, first shooting a pained glance in Sharon’s direction and then lifting her skirt to exit the barn as quickly as she possibly could. Willam redirected her anger to Sharon, who looked exquisite in the softly flickering candlelight.

What?

“Don’t be so harsh on Alaska, this isn’t her fault.” Sharon said roughly.

Willam snorted derisively. “What, so you’re taking the blame for everything she does wrong now, too? Guess I’m not so special after all, huh.”

Sounding a little insecure there, Willam. “Wrong?”

It was only one word, but it was laced with a dangerous tone that sent shivers running down Willam’s spine, and yet… a peculiar feeling pooling in her lower half. What the hell was Sharon doing to her?

“Whatever. Listen to me, Sharon, I want to know -”

“No.” Sharon came closer, and yet again Willam found her eyes somehow mesmerised by her exposed breasts. “No, I wanna talk about why you think it’s so disgusting and wrong for someone like Alaska to be kissing someone like me.”

Willam swallowed angrily. “I didn’t say that.”

“You meant it though, didn’t you? All you fucking royal folk are the same, you think I’m some kind of dirty plaything that everyone wants to look at but won’t touch. I care about Alaska.”

“All of us royal folk? Can you even hear the bullshit you’re spouting right now?” Willam spluttered.

Sharon’s face hardened. “You haven’t stopped staring since you walked in. I know exactly what I fucking mean.”

She sighed heavily. “I met Alaska at the ball six months ago, when I was on serving duty. She was sweet and she started asking me about myself, and I didn’t tell her anything because that’s my fucking job as a lowlife servant, but she kept trying and she was so kind that she wore me down. It wasn’t long after that when she found out about my side-gig and she begged me to show her. This is my fault, not hers.”

Willam’s blood ran cold as she pictured the two of them together in more intimate situations - various states of undress, or perhaps entirely unclothed, kissing hard and fast in sleazy taverns across the kingdom.

“Your… side-gig?” Despite her best efforts, Willam’s voice was wracked with confusion and - regrettably - a hint of fear.

Sharon shook her head, like the assumption offended her. “I’m not a prostitute, Willam, I wasn’t offering her my services. I - There’s a group of us down in the outskirts of the kingdom who grew up poor and working on our scraps of farm land. There used to be a ton of bandits, so we learned how to fight them off and they’re gone now, but there’s this small sparring club where we keep fit and teach others to fight. I’ve been privately sparring with Alaska for the last few months, and… I guess one thing led to another.”

Sparring? That was an improvement from prostitution, sure, but the trust and the intimacy of it didn’t escape her mind. She could see the two of them sweating and panting, Alaska dressed in the same inappropriate garb as Sharon as their limbs connected, blocking and dodging and swerving with some kind of alluring grace that made no sense. She could see Sharon’s muscles flexing in the tight breeches, watch her chest rising and falling with exhaustion as she ripped the shirt open and poured cold water over her head to cool herself.

What was happening to her?

“Teach me.”

The command came out of nowhere, but a command it was.

“Huh?”

“I said, teach me.” Willam repeated. “And I won’t tell anyone about this.”

Sharon laughed mirthlessly. “Are you blackmailing me?”

This time, it was Willam who stepped closer. They were merely inches apart, and if Willam were to do as much as to suck in a deep breath, her dress would be pressed against Sharon’s bare chest. The very thought had her pulse racing.

“Not blackmailing you. I just… want to learn. Embroidery is boring, and… if I tell the governesses I’ve taken up landscape paintings, they’ll send you with me to keep me safe…”

She smiled gently, not sure where her anger had gone but not missing the blazing heat it had inflamed inside her. It didn’t make any sense, and she was glad it had gone. Her tummy fluttered as Sharon grinned, shyly at first, until her face split into her usual amused expression. God, she’s fucking beautiful in this light.

“Alright, Willam. You’ve got yourself a deal.” She breathed a sigh of relief. “I guess I should do up my shirt now, huh.”

Willam eyed the beginnings of a love bite on Sharon’s neck and felt the familiar flames licking at her insides once again. She turned away to leave.

“Should doesn’t always mean you have to. I usually take should as a suggestion, nothing more.”

–

For two years they sparred together, and for two years Willam’s relationship with Sharon seemed to get weirder and weirder. Sparring was just as she’d predicted, hot and heavy, and it was a shock to the system being so physical with someone. Sharon’s boundaries disappeared once they were out in the open, safe from everyone in miles upon miles of green grass that stretched far enough to obscure them from sight.

Most of the time they sparred and talked; sometimes they just sparred; sometimes they just talked. Willam wasn’t as good as Sharon, but she was learning, and most importantly, she was spending time with her.

Not that she was really sure why that made her so happy, but it did.

When Willam arrived at their usual spot, thanking whoever was listening up above for the perfectly cool, fresh weather for training in, she found Sharon alone with a piece of paper held between her hands. She hadn’t noticed Willam’s presence, and didn’t even glance up as she called her name.

Why was she so desperate for Sharon’s attention? She was a fucking princess, everyone paid attention to her.

“Uh, Sharon? Hello?”

Sharon looked up, only for a moment, and then her eyes dropped back down to the paper in front of her. “Yes, I can see you.”

So fucking irritating. Some things would never change, Willam thought to herself. Even as she had grown older, more beautiful, capturing Willam’s attention - she was still a bitch with an attitude far too uncouth for a serving girl. Then again, she supposed, out here Sharon wasn’t a palace servant. She was a sparring teacher and a free woman, a liberty she could seldom enjoy. Willam’s authority didn’t mean shit here.

“Are we sparring today?” Willam tried to tone down the hopefulness in her voice. In truth, she had been looking forwards to it for a fortnight. Her parents had dragged her to another kingdom to sit in on their business relations, in order to get a concept of what she would need to do when it came her time to be queen, but she felt stifled and bored without Sharon to bounce off of. She had declined the offer to come along on the trip, leaving Willam to take some other stuffy maid who lived only to serve, never to laugh or put Willam in her place.

She had thought about Sharon the entire time. Missed her, even. It didn’t make much sense, but she knew that was how she had felt.

“I’m not in the mood.”

Sharon’s words were clipped. Willam sat down beside her, already kitted out in her own breeches so that she didn’t have to worry about grass stains on her clothes, and sighed frustratedly.

“Ugh, thanks. Make me walk all the way out here for nothing, huh?” She complained, wincing at how entitled she sounded. Sometimes being a princess had its downfalls, and this was one of them.

Sharon scowled. “I didn’t have to sit here and wait for you, ungrateful bitch. I came just so you wouldn’t be all freaked out that I ditched you. I just don’t want to fucking spar, that’s all. Go practise with the dummy if you really wanna fight. Work on your precision.”

Willam started pulling grass out of the ground in handfuls, trying and failing to quell the feeling rising in her stomach. What even was it, anyway? Disappointment? Resentment? Anger? Jealousy?

“Too worn out from Alaska, huh?” She remarked petulantly, kicking a clod of mud from the ground and watching it fly through the air.

Sharon folded the letter. “Actually, we split up if you must know. Is it fun being an asshole all the time, or do you ever get bored of it?”

Something stirred inside her, but she didn’t know quite what it was. The concern she felt for her friend - if she could even call Sharon her friend, because she truly had no idea what the relationship between her and her servant would even be called at this point - only appeared afterwards, in the wake of the sudden surge of warmth.

“Shit… God, I’m sorry, Sharon. Is that letter from her?”

Sharon nodded, her mouth set in a hard line. She pulled her knees close to her chest and frowned. “It’s been a long time coming, to be honest. I knew it would arrive at some point, I just didn’t know when. Ever since her coronation she’s been different. She doesn’t want to know me anymore.”

“That’s not true.” Willam attempted to comfort her, reaching out a shaky hand to rub Sharon’s back. That was what people did, right? A normal, friendly action. Electric sparks seemed to jump from her fingertips at the slightest bit of contact.

“She’s been stressed, Sharon, it’s a difficult job. I’m sure it’s not that she doesn’t want to see you.”

“She’s changed.” Sharon insisted, her words tinged with bitterness. “I’ll tell you the truth about her, Willam, she’s just fucking ambitious. She’ll stop at nothing to make herself and her kingdom powerful, it’s all she cares about now. When was the last time she wrote to you? Alaska, she… she’s been distant with me for months now. Doesn’t want to train, doesn’t want to meet up, too busy to care that it was my birthday and I waited up all night for her… All she wants is to have power. Last I heard, she’s in the midst of a proposal from Grigolia. She doesn’t love him, of course, but they’re incredibly influential. It’ll be great for her kingdom.”

She sighed, and it was strained with unshed tears. “I’m happy for her. She got over the anxiety she was having over being a queen and now she’s thriving. I just didn’t realize that I had to be out of the picture for that to happen.”

Willam sucked in a breath, unsure of what to say. She hadn’t even known that Alaska was so worried about her future as a ruler, but then she guessed that she had confided in Sharon during their stint as passionate lovers. Not a single letter had arrived from her in the past few months but again, she had just assumed Alaska was busy with her new duties and her old flame.

“I’m not upset.” Sharon added, sounding far more upset than she was trying to play it off as. “I knew this would happen. I’m - This is what’s best for her, and I got over that long before she even broke up with me. It’s this fucking letter that’s got me. Here, see how fucking different she is now.”

Dear Ms Sharon Needles,

It is regrettable that I inform you of the termination of our relationship. Truly I have loved you for a long time and every moment we spent together I shall treasure in my heart and honour in my memory for as long as I live. Still, I find it pertinent that I explain to you my decision and my reasoning, so that you are not left hanging on to a feeble dream of what once was.

When we met, I was a young princess still unsure of my fate, and you were the escape into the wilderness that I had always dreamed about. How fantastically romantic it was, and thrilling to escape with you and to learn skills that no self-respecting princess should know. It was exhilarating and you, dearest, were breathtaking.

However, I know that you are as aware as I am that a relationship between a simple servant and the queen of a kingdom should never exist. A marriage between us would be impossible and thus, I have to put my loyal subjects and the future of my home before a fling with a heathen. I know that you understand this.

Perhaps we will keep in touch, and I may see you once in a while, should I visit Princess Willam’s home. Rest assured I bear no ill will towards you, but that it is only status keeping us apart.

Farewell and best wishes,

Queen Alaska E.J.T,

Glamatronia

“So politely worded.” Sharon muttered, as Willam came to the end of the neatly-written letter. “Such a kind, loving way to tell me that she’s given up on us because I’m poor and my lowly, shit-shovelling status won’t help her progress in life. I honestly - honestly! - don’t care, it’s just…”

She tore the letter from Willam’s grasp and tucked it into the front pocket of her shirt. “We never talked about status. That never mattered. She was a princess and I was a servant but when we were together, none of that meant anything. She was just Alaska and I was just Sharon.”

A pause. “Sorry. Shouldn’t be talking shit about your friend. Off with my head, right?”

Willam shook her head fervently. “Sharon, this is… I’m so sorry. I don’t know why she’s done this. I don’t… who in their right mind would break up with you?”

Sharon’s eyes shot up. “Huh?”

Did I really just say that? To Sharon? What the hell does that even mean?

“I mean, uh… Well, I mean what I said. Really, what reason does she have besides some bullshit about status?”

Sharon smiled, but it lasted only a moment. “You’re sweet, Willam. But I’m not exactly a catch and I knew that when I began this shit with Alaska. I just hate that she had to remind me that I’m nothing.”

“You’re not nothing. Who says you’re not a catch?” Willam had no control over any of the words that left her lips. She needed to move, or leave, or do something, before she ended up saying something that she would regret for the rest of her life.

This time, Sharon let out a proper laugh, and the harsh, barking cackle was like music to Willam’s ears.

“Are you serious? Willam, look at me.” Please, Sharon, I’m having trouble tearing my eyes away from you. “I’m not marriage material, I have nothing to give. I have no dowry, my father is unknown and so I bear my mother’s maiden name purely because it’s the only one there is, and she died six years ago.” I don’t need money. I don’t need anything, you wouldn’t have to give anything to me. “Plus as far as wifely duties go I’m a mess, sure I can serve but I drink and swear like a sailor and absolutely nobody would find that attractive.” I do, I find it incredibly attractive, I think you’re more beautiful than Aphrodite herself. “I don’t even dress properly, for fuck’s sake. I’m either in a servant uniform or these breeches and shirt, neither of which are appropriate.” But my god do they look good on you, does everything look good on you?

What the hell is happening to me?

“Sharon, come on. You’ve never looked in a mirror and once thought that you’re beautiful? You’ve never heard me laughing at your jokes and realized how funny and charming you are?”

Just like that, Sharon’s features softened. She looked up at Willam, and god, her eyes were the prettiest shade of blue. They reminded Willam of the sky at night, dark and inky and shining with flecks of stars, and all at once everything made sense to her. The misplaced anger, the confusion, the rising jealousy…

Sharon had been setting her heart aflame for years and she had been ignoring it for way too long.

“You… you think I’m beautiful? And charming?” Sharon ran a hand through her hair, an action Willam had become accustomed to watching her do when she was nervous. “God, with all the shit I’ve said to you in the palace over the years I should be sat in a dungeon, not being complimented by you. This makes no sense.”

Willam shook her head softly. “Fuck… Sharon, you’ve never made sense to me. I don’t think you ever will.”

Sharon’s hair was as soft as it looked, and her skin was smooth and warm, and somehow they were kissing and Willam’s heart was racing and her pulse was heightened and my god, she had been pining for this for so long and now nothing else in the world mattered. All that mattered was here and now, and if the world erupted into storm and fire around them she wouldn’t have noticed or cared, because she was kissing Sharon and she had wanted to kiss this fucking girl ever since she was fifteen, serving girl or not.

They broke apart moments later, and Sharon’s eyes were wide with surprise and confusion. A torrent of hateful thoughts began to flood her brain and Willam didn’t know what to do other than stare.

“I have to go.” She blurted out, her stomach jolting so horribly that she was sure she was going to vomit. As quick as she could she bolted away, leaving Sharon alone in the grass, certain she had ruined any kind of friendship they had managed to build up over the years. It had always been on tenterhooks and just as Sharon was at her most vulnerable, Willam had ruined everything with a kiss that she didn’t even want and that was it, friendship over, and every day for here out was going to be an utter nightmare all because Willam’s heart wouldn’t stop flipping and somersaulting at the thought of Sharon, all because her hands snaked south when she pictured Sharon as she had done in the barn, her breasts exposed and her skin shining with sweat, lying beneath her in Alaska’s position.

Everything, ruined, because of one stupid kiss.

God. Willam hated Sharon.

–

Twenty one. Six months passed, Willam turned twenty one, and Sharon was pretty much nowhere to be seen. Willam heard from another servant that she was taking some of the dirtier jobs, checking the dungeons and scrubbing the kitchen floors, so she wasn’t tending to Willam and helping her get dressed and making her laugh anymore.

It was official, Willam had ruined everything. The only time she saw Sharon was to spar with her, which they still did, but Sharon was nothing other than a teacher, harsh and ruthless and blunt, but never laughing, never smiling. She was closed off and distant and this, this must’ve been what heartbreak felt like because the pain in Willam’s chest never left. Their sparring conversations were brief but it was something, and Willam would do anything just to bring back their old laughter.

It was still agonising to spend so much time watching Sharon grow sweaty and breathless and to watch her muscles flexing as she demonstrated moves Willam could only hope of learning to do. Willam loved the tightness and the seriousness of her face as much as she loved when it was full of laughter and light, so at least she still had that to fall back on.

Loved. God, she had it bad.

It was January, a freezing cold winter, and Willam was winning a fight. Contrary to what she had expected, this victory didn’t make her feel good whatsoever. Sharon wasn’t even trying, and Willam understood that they weren’t on the best of terms right now, but this was just downright insulting. She didn’t need some stupid fake victory to boost her self-esteem.

“Fucking hell,” She swore, lunging at Sharon and cursing as she dodged poorly and ended up being struck squarely in the shoulder. “You’re seriously out of shape. I’ve barely even broken a sweat and you look like you’re about to pass out.”

She swept her leg in a smooth circle - a move that Sharon had spent weeks teaching her and had perfected the dodge for. Instead of leaping over it, which Willam knew Sharon was capable of, the strike threw her to the ground and knocked all the air out of her lungs. Willam was painfully reminded of when they had first met, at thirteen, and that image gripped at her heart. Instantly, she knelt beside Sharon, who hadn’t moved.

“I’m fine.” She croaked. “Out of practise.”

“Bullshit.” Willam swore again. “Someone like you doesn’t just get out of practise. Did I hurt you?”

“No.” Sharon denied vehemently. “Willam, I’m fine. You won, I’m proud of you.”

The fight had been more like a warmup than anything else, so Willam started to get concerned. Sharon’s face was pale and glistening with a sheen of sweat where, as she’d previously taunted, Willam’s was dry. Slightly worried, she pressed a hand to Sharon’s forehead and hissed.

“Jesus fuck, Sharon. You’re sick. Why the hell are you out here fighting with me if you’re sick?”

Sharon struggled to her feet, swaying slightly as though she were drunk. “I’m not sick.”

“Sure. I’m not a princess, either. Sharon Needles, you’re sick. Come with me, now.”

Before Sharon could protest, Willam held up a hand to silence her. “I hate to do this, Sharon, and you know it, but as a princess, I have a right to command you to do as I see fit, and right now I see it fit that you take my coat and put it on, and walk with me to the palace so that I can get you inside and get you warm. At no point during this will you protest against what I have told you. Understood?”

Sharon grumbled, and Willam raised an eyebrow.

Then she cracked a smile and started to lead Sharon back to the palace.

Neither of them talked about their interlocked fingers. Sharon was cold, and being cold was the worst for anyone who was sick. Willam was simply warming her up, preventing her from getting any sicker. Anyone would’ve done it.

Once they made it into Willam’s bedchambers, somehow miraculously unseen by anyone who would go tattling to a governess (which Willam didn’t need, being twenty one and no longer in need of an education, yet still had), she stripped away the coat and handed Sharon one of her silky nightgowns.

Sharon stared at her.

“Come on, bitch, I know you’re not stupid. This is a dress worn in bed. Put the damn thing on.” She watched Sharon expectantly.

“In front of you?” Her voice was thick, now, clear evidence that despite whatever she claimed, she was most definitely sick.

Willam shrugged. “You’ve dressed me hundreds of times, get your clothes off and get this on. I’m going to call on the kitchen real quick, when I get back you better have the dress on and be tucked in bed, got it? No complaints, hop to it.”

Sharon opened her mouth to protest, but judging by the sudden wince, her throat was too sore to say anything in response, and Willam darted out to speak to someone who could relay a message to the kitchen. She asked for hot soup and broth and tea and bread, trying to think of anything she could that might make Sharon feel better. Camomile went on the list, as did peppermint. Perhaps it was a little excessive, but Willam really, really cared about Sharon, and she knew winters could be cruel.

Her heart nearly melted when she re-entered the room, taking the tray from the young servant and opting to carry it in herself. Not only did Sharon look beyond beautiful in her dress, flattering her figure better than Willam had seen on anyone else, she looked ridiculously sweet and helpless in the middle of her huge bed, huddled beneath the layers of sheets.

Willam smiled tenderly, happy that the kitchen had honoured her strange request of a slightly damp, cold flannel to go with the assortment of teas and broths. She placed it on Sharon’s head to attempt to relieve her fever, ignoring her protests of how cold she was.

“I know, I know. I got sick last winter and it was horrible.” Willam told her, stroking her hair. “Here, have some of this tea. Drink it slowly, I think it will help.”

Having lost the energy to fight, Sharon just did as she was told. The tip of her nose had turned a rosy pink and Willam wanted nothing more than to kiss it.

“Sit with me.” Came her request, whispered so quietly and yet registering in Willam’s mind as though she had shouted it from the rooftops for the whole kingdom to hear. “Please.”

She was truly unable to say no. Without another thought, Willam slipped underneath the covers beside Sharon, who was absurdly warm and soft and jesus christ Willam had thought about this scenario so many times and it wasn’t happening how she had imagined it and yet still, somehow, Sharon was in her bed and she was a warm soft weight and really, what else mattered?

Sharon shuffled close and lay her head on Willam’s shoulder, and it was all she could do not to explode into a million tiny pieces.

“You know, I thought I had ruined everything when - when I kissed you.” She found herself saying, almost tripping over her words in her haste to get them out. “I ran because I was so sure you hated me for doing that to you, especially right after Alaska…”

She caught herself before things got too personal. “Then I hardly saw you and it just confirmed my fears and I’m so, so sorry. Sharon, I care about you way too much to hurt you like that, and it’s so confusing to me. Sometimes I swear I hate you just because I don’t understand why I like you so much.”

Sharon snuffled, nestling closer to Willam. “I thought you hated me.” Sharon replied sleepily, and somehow the proximity of their two bodies was right, as though two jigsaw pieces had perfectly slotted together. “I was scared to come by you in case… in case you didn’t want to see me.”

“I always want to see you.” Willam reassured her, and then bit her lip from how forward it was. “I mean… I never know what to say around you. I’ve never wanted anyone to like me so much in my life. Our friendship has always meant so much to me, and the thought of ruining it…”

“Liked it.” Sharon murmured, her words becoming more and more nonsensical as she drifted into a sleepy trance. “Liked when you kissed me… always been pretty…”

Willam chuckled softly, careful not to jostle Sharon too much. “You think I’m pretty?”

“Thank you for the tea… and the bed… and the cuddle…” Sharon told her, and it was so fucking sweet that Willam could’ve cried. “Love you…”

Willam kissed the tip of her nose. Sharon fell asleep in her arms and it was exactly where she was meant to be.

It was a weird relationship. All Willam knew was that she loved Sharon so, so fucking much.

[thenyouturnedbitch]

The Light in the Piazza (Billy Hargrove X Shy!Reader)

A/N: I AM SO SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG TO GET OUT! BUT SUMMER BREAK IS IN LIKE 6 DAYS FOR ME SO I’LL BE ABLE TO WRITE MORE.

Warnings: None

Wordcount; 1.7k

Pairings: Billy Hargrove x reader, Max Mayfield x reader (platonic)

"Ms. (l/n), can I talk to you before you leave?" Your English teacher Mrs. Najdawi asked.

"Yes, Of course. What do you need?" You say as you stop on your way to the door and head back to her desk with your books tightly clenched to your chest.

"There is a new student in the middle school, she just moved from California. The English teacher says she is struggling a little in her class and she wanted a high school student to help her. I thought you would be perfect for the job."

"Of course, I would be glad to help her." You say with a huge smile as your heart stops hammering in your chest.

"I'll give you her address. You will meet every day after school at her house to assist her." Mrs. Najdawi says as she neatly writes out the student's address and name on a piece of paper.

You knock on the door of the house for the third time clutching the piece of paper in your hand, rechecking the address on the paper to the one on the house. You felt your heart beating erratically in your chest as your fist knocks against the wooden door one more time.

You turn around to leave as a tall man with dark hair and a mustache opens the door, "We're not interested in anything that you're selling. Just fucking leave us alone." the man says loudly.

"No... I'm not here to sell anything I'm (y/n) (l/n), I'm here to help," You look down at your paper "Maxine Mayfield with English. Her teacher sent me, I'm supposed to be here every day to help her."

"Maxine prefers to be called Max." A young red-haired girl says as she popped out from behind the man in front of you.

"Oh, sorry I was just reading what I had on the paper." you apologized to her.

Mr. Mayfield looks you over and gives you a cold smile "I'm Neil Hargrove," he says "My wife and I were just about to leave when you arrived. My delinquent of a son still isn't home to watch Maxine."

"I would be glad to watch Max, while you two are out, Mr. Hargrove."

"We won't pay you." He says matter-of-factly

"No payment is necessary, I'll be here tutoring her anyway so I don't mind having to watch her extra."

"Okay, we're a little tight on money since we just moved to Hawkins."

"Of course, I understand."You say smiling at Mr. Hargrove.

He lets you in and Max leads you to the living room where she has her homework set up. A few hours after Mr. Hargrove leaves with his wife you and Max start getting to know each other instead of doing homework.

"You know how to skateboard?" You ask her in awe.

"Yeah, my stepbrother taught me how back in California. I could teach you if you want." She offers

"Really, I would love to learn how."

"What do you like to do for fun?" Max asks.

"I mostly keep to myself and read, I'm not a very interesting person."

"Come on, (y/n) there has to be something."

"I mean... I sing... a little and never in front of anyone. Unless your reflection counts."

"Let me hear," Max begs, looking at you with big pouty eyes

"One verse then we're getting back to work."

"Yes!" She says pumping her fist in the air.

You get yourself mentally prepared and make some changes to the song in your head before you start.

"These are very popular, in California." you say picking up Max's skateboard "It’s the land of naked marble boys. Something we don’t see a lot in Hawkins Indiana, That’s the land of corduroys."

You stop singing as you hear the front door slam shut and you jump up from your spot on the floor. You look up and see a beautiful boy with golden locks and brilliant blue eyes. Quickly you recognize him as the new boy who got into three fights in his first week in Hawkins.

"Who's this chick?" He asks motioning at you.

"She's my tutor for school, Billy" Max replies.

Billy looks you up and down before scoffing and walking down the hall and slamming what you assumed was his room door.

"I'm sorry, (Y/n) he's not been very happy since we found out that we were moving to Hawkins."

"I can understand, Hawkins isn't as thrilling as California. Let's get to work."

After a few months of working with Max, you and her older brother, Billy became used to each others presence in the house. Max was in the bathroom and you were cooking dinner for the three of you since Mr. Hargrove and Susan left to go shopping once again. Since you were in the kitchen by yourself you started singing softly to yourself about your feelings for Billy.

"Lips meet teeth and tongue, my heart skips eight beats at once." You sing as you dance around the stove making dinner.

"I didn't know you could sing," Billy says leaning against the wall leading into the kitchen.

You jump back at the sound of his voice and almost hit your hand on the burner before Billy grabbed it so you didn't. "Oh, I really don't it was just kinda, I had it stuck in my head."

"You sound really good." You become hyper-aware of the fact that he still is holding your hand. You pull your hand away quickly and turn back to the pots on the stove. "I'm serious you know, (y/n), you should do the talent show."

"I don't do good with being in the public's attention." You keep your head down as you focus on dinner.

"Come on you would be amazing."

"I'm not doing it, Billy, I just can't."

"If you do it, I'll... take you out to dinner."

"That doesn't seem like a fair trade exactly."

"Yes it is, you're always here helping Max with her work you could use a break and just enjoy yourself."

"A date doesn't seem like a break and I don't think that I would enjoy myself all that much." You look at Billy out of the corner of your eye and see his face drop. You turn your head and start to explain yourself "No, I didn't mean.."

"Forget it, (y/n) it doesn't matter." With that, he walks into his room and slams the door. You rest your head on the cabinet in front of you and release a big sigh.

The next few weeks were an actual hell for you, every interaction that you had with Billy was brief and uncomfortable. A quick glance in the hallways at school and an incoherent sound when he walks through the door at his own house.

"Are you and my brother going through something?" Max asks.

"It's complicated, I said something about not enjoying a date and that for some reason set him off."

"Is that what I heard him rehearsing the other day."

"What?"

"Yeah, I overheard him practicing asking someone to dinner or something."

"Do you think that was for me? Did I mess things up? I really don't know how to talk to people."

"Just talk to him."

"I don't know how," You rest your head on your hand "I've never been good at communicating with people."

You and Max work for a few more hours before you jump up with an idea "That's it!"

"What?"

"I have an idea how to make it up to Billy just make sure that he is at the school's auditorium next week at 6."

You spend all week practicing the song that you were going to sing to make up for being insensitive towards Billy.  It was a nerve-racking week because you've never sung in front of more than one or two people at a time so singing in front of the entire Hawkins population.

Standing in the wings of the school's auditorium you started to have second thoughts about performing. You were trying to calm yourself down when a stagehand came up behind you "You're on next" and walked away. 'Oh fuck, why did I think this was a good idea?' You hear your name get announced and feel someone push a microphone in your hand and you towards the stage.

You walk slowly to the center of the stage and close your eyes and take a calming breath. When you open your eyes you scan the crowd for Billy and when you see him standing in the back with his arms crossed you nodded letting them know you were ready to start.

You hear the opening notes of the piano start on the song and the song starts "All it'd take is one flight, We'd be in the same time zone, Looking through your timeline. Seeing all the rainbows, I, I got an idea And I know that it sounds crazy. I just wanna see ya, Oh, I gotta ask Do you got plans tonight? I'm a couple hundred miles from Japan, and I, I was thinking I could fly to your hotel tonight 'Cause I-I-I can't get you off my mind, Can't get you off my mind, Can't get you off my mind (oh). I could feel the tension, we could cut it with a knife, I know it's more than just a friendship I can hear you think I'm right, yeah. Do I gotta convince you? That you shouldn't fall asleep. It'll only be a couple hours and I'm about to leave" You get really into performing the song and start having fun on stage.

After the 'awards' portion of the show, you head to the auditorium to find Billy. You spot his signature hair and jacket and walk up to him, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while."

"Oh shut up, (l/n)" Billy says before he pulls you close to him and kisses you deeply. You hold yourself up by wrapping your arms around his neck and kiss him back.

"What was that?" You say after Billy pulls away.

"Something I've wanted to do for a while and I should have done it sooner. What made you do the talent show?"

"I thought about the offer you made me originally and I would like to raise the stakes of the offer."

"How so?"

"Instead of you taking me to dinner. I'll take you to my favorite picnic spot tomorrow and it'll be a date."

Billy slips his hands around your waist and pulls you close to a sort of hug "That sounds amazing."

"We'll make a day of it so you don't have to deal with Neil for a few hours. How does that sound?"

"Anywhere I am with you sounds like heaven."

Forever Tags: @strangerstuffandthingsimagines , @maceyismissing , @writing-hargrove

[washington-elijah]

About to post this to facebook for my f a m i l y)

(Some stuff here may sound contradictory, but as my thoughts are constantly scrambled this will have to do for now.)

2020 is a new year and decade. I've lived now, for a little over 19 years, shutting my emotions and thought processes out from other people because no one ever seemed to understand me, or even take me seriously. (Wow cliché statement, I know.). I was always either overdramatic, melodramatic. My feelings weren't good enough because it always seemed to fall under the “you're generation this” or “you Millenials that” So here I will go and start right off the bat and say everything I've been trying to get out for a few years now and haven't been able to. I understand the backlash I may get, but I feel it may simply prove my point to myself even more and I don't even know what that point is.

There are only a few people that do not make me feel like a failure of a person for being unable to simply “get over it”. It, being my depression and my anxiety. If I could simply throw it all to the wind, I would believe me. What people do not see is how far I actually have progressed. I would never have even posted something like this before, let alone thought of it. I don't audibly depreciate myself as much as I used to, though some people make me feel like I should? Not that I want to. I love loving myself to an extent for once lol. So how about I simply start off and let you know EXACTLY how I felt for a good portion of my life.

(Let's keep it to what I can remember, 10 to about 17-18 years old)

I hated myself. Nothing was ever good enough, not one thing. Too friendly, too open, not open enough, not smart enough. Funny thing though, I was great in school UNTIL people started getting on my case to keep my grades PERFECT. That and my onset of anxiety and depression caused by bullying from peers and mentors alike. Trauma is not always some horrific thing that happened in life, it can be a built-up response that happens over time. Especially for a kid who couldn't talk to people. Especially for a kid who barely had any friends, and was ignored outside of school. That really never stopped. But oh well, Wonder why I spend so much time on my phone?

“Oh just go talk to people and make friends!” Guess what? I do, they just don't stay in contact, even when I initiate. But I'm over that, I don't need 500+ friends to make me happy. I still find talking to people hard now, and I don't know why. I either overshare, or get too friendly, or both. I'm overzealous or under enthusiastic. It really wasn't until a few years ago (maybe 2015-16) that I stopped giving a shit. Like really, nothing I ever did would be good enough for anyone other than myself, so why not just go ahead and only focus on how I felt for once. It's okay to be selfish once in a while. Especially when all you ever worried about, and tend to still worry about, is how it would make everyone else feel.

At this moment in time, there's still the thought in my head that everyone is holding me to the standard of needing to be absolutely 100% perfect. I should be making my own appointments and talking to my own officials and all that jazz. How so when I don't know how? When no one ever taught me or gave me a chance to try it myself or even just walked me through it? Most of the time I'm shooting in the dark for this sort of thing ^_^”

Now, the anxiety is something I cannot get over. Especially when much of it has been YEARS in the making and caused in some form by those telling me to just get over it. Not to mention, after high-school I kinda was just thrust into the college life. I'd had plans on how I was gonna do all of that, and now I'm trying to figure something out to actually fit college into this. But that's my fault, isn't it? Should have been more open in the first place, something I had always gotten backlash for doing in the first place. I wanted to take a year off, get my mental bullshit in check. Not get rid of it, by this point I can't, but at least get a better grasp of it. Just to handle it a bit better, and THEN thrust myself into more school. I'm grateful for the help and support I have, but sometimes I just feel rushed in nearly everything.

Here's another fun one, Why do I procrastinate? This one I have a solid answer for. Because I'm a perfectionist who's stuff is never good enough and I don't like cleaning when people are around. Who does something immediately if I don't have it planned out in my head A-Z right that very moment? (Bad process, but it's been ingrained). I don't clean when people are around because there was also that engrained bit. It was never good enough, I'd have to redo it, I wasn't doing it right, and so on. (Despite what may be said, I actually have gotten better with that too.)

Math just sucks in general, so imma leave that there.

Now here's a big one. My status on being transgender. There's a lot of stuff people don't seem to understand about that either. My brain itself sends signals to stuff that isn't there. I'm extraordinarily uncomfortable in a female body. You see, us big bad transgenders have a package deal, we get to figure out we weren't put in the right body, but we have to deal with this thing called dysphoria. It's a painful awareness that you aren't built right yet. A hyper-awareness of parts. It isn't fun at all.

And yes, I will be a very feminine looking boy until I get this lil thing called hormones.

No, my current hormone level has nothing to do with being trans.

No, me giving letters as coming out to those I live with was not melodramatic. I say this because there are so many bad stories and visual evidence of people disowning their kids for this. People who never gave ANY indication that they would do something like that. Be it just a verbal thing, or even physical. Those who have accepted me, thank you. I appreciate you guys so much you don't even know. To those who have wished me well, thank you. To those who haven't accepted it, oh well. I'm not hanging onto the negativity this year, and that is my choice.

Becoming independent is going to be difficult because I was raised in a way that I felt I had to be totally dependent on others. And I hold no animosity to that, but I can't just drop everything I know and be a perfect adult. If you want me to be successful you need to give me time. I already have a plan, and I don't need to share it. We're all only human and I'm gonna be making the most of my life, in a way that I want to (within reason.)

I love my family and friends, but I also love myself, and if that means having to be a “cliche” or “petty” person online to be able to actually unscramble the words that won't come out of my mouth, then I will. This year, my mental health comes first for me. This year, I come first for me. And as it being something I have never done before, I might slip up, but I'll get back up and keep on going. I'm not softspoken, I'm not okay with being told who I am gonna be or where I'm gonna go based on how I identify or work. I believe firmly that I can be successful this year. But I don't think other people do.

Anyways, happy new year and let's have a good 2020! I love you all a lot, don't think I don't. This will probably be worded better and expanded on in the future, but this is all I have for now.  

[theparaminds]

It’s not easy to feel as though an answer resides within daily life. For many, constant inertia blockades the possibility for growth or individual development. Yet, Soft Glas disagrees. He disagrees with the ideal that this is a blockade and instead sees it as an opportunity for unlocking his truest self. In times of turmoil, his despair is only a gateway towards honesty and happiness. It is accepting confusion with the belief it will guide towards understanding. 

Of course, this is delivered through his artistic understandings. With such large questions, he finds himself more suited to seek answer within sonic landscapes. Building upon them layer by layer, an auditory nirvana is developed where freedom of expression reins supreme. The ability to express becomes a boat upon a stream towards unknown perceptions.

It is not a simply journey to make. The bumps and cracks within the road are many and often debilitating emotionally. But they are but bumps, they pass with the hours and are forgotten to the sands of time. Of course, lessons are learned, Soft Glas and his listeners become smarter and more understanding. And day by day, the man he wants to be is forming as the puzzle to his life collects new pieces with every passing moment. 

                                                           -

Our first question as always, how’s your day going and how have you been lately?

My day has been well and I’ve been very well. I'm in a very transitory state in my life right now. I moved out of New York last week but I’m currently back in New York for a photography job. I’m sleeping on my brother's couch and not feeling grounded. But I'm trying to embrace it, it's a really interesting feeling. I'm trying to live in the moment because I haven't felt like this in a long time and I don't know when I’ll feel like this again.

In your eyes, how would you reflect upon your time in New York and when did you realize you had to go there and what was the intention in that journey?

I moved there right after I finished college in 2013. I had a friend who was already there for a year and after deciding to pursue music he stressed to me that I couldn't do it in Tallahassee, Florida and pushed me to live with him. I had visited New York in high school with my dad and I always imagined living there. But now with the realistic posibility in front of me, I had to take it. But that was six years ago and in those six years, I think the most important thing was coming into my own as an artist, and also as a person. I gained confidence in myself through being so challenged in New York and you have to really believe in yourself there because no one else is going to.

How would you then compare New York to your first times in music and the difference in creative output for you? Were there experiences in New York that helped with that development?

I think I was very idealistic when I first started making music. I do come from a musical family and it never seemed unrealistic to pursue the music path. But when I was younger, I didn't understand the emotional and psychological side of things. There was no sense of what a toll it can take on someone. New York taught that lesson pretty well. It exposed me to the highs and the lows of being an artist. The highs being the endless opportunity and the stimuli. The lows being the constant ability to compare yourself to others and the exposure to others’ success which can lead you to be lost.

Then what are you currently looking for now when you leave and what is it that you think is waiting for you on the horizon?

I think that I’m looking for a real change in environment. New York can be really claustrophobic and tight and I think having more space is something I’m looking forward to. I felt my quality of life had become a problem recently, being sick all the time and the winters kept getting harder every year. I felt that I had the opportunity to leave and that if I didn't, I could be here forever. I do love it, but I think the same reason I came is presenting itself again. Right now is the freest I’ll ever be to make a change in my life.

Do you think the environment then answered a lot of questions for you but also created many new ones that need to be answered elsewhere?

New York taught me how to listen to myself. It taught me how to be alone and function while being alone. And I think that's a double-edged sword because I became lonely in the last year or so. I looked up and realized that though I have amazing friends there, I was lacking a sense of community, specifically artistically. A lot of my friends who make music ended up moving away from New York. It was less about the scene there and more so the lack of personal relationships in the music community there. I’ve made great friends since that time but my decision was made.

Would you say at this point in life you have a clear vision of who you are and who you want to be?

Oh, no way dude. I have no idea. I think I’m more comfortable in my own skin. That just comes with age and experience, but even then I’m more comfortable with the search now. When I was younger I had anxiety based on other’s perceptions on me. I think I’m more comfortable in growing and not worrying so much about that growth.

RIght, it’s that feeling of ‘who the hell am I?’ but you’re not freaking out that the question exists and more so excited about the thrill of the chase towards personal growth.

And something I’ve realized too is that I change often. I change my taste and how I portray myself as an artist almost by the month, and that scared me because I feared being disingenuous. Recently, I’m realizing that constant search is ultimately who I am.

In terms of you growing personally, you talked about being really involved in this new work and committing fully to the project. Which asks how the work has developed and how you think it has all come together in this transitional window?

I think when I first started my New York phase, I was still figuring everything out. I was still learning what I actually wanted to do as a musician. I thought I would just produce for other people and then slowly I started seeing myself as an artist as well. And that naturally evolved to wanting to make songs and not just instrumentals. My first album (Late Bloom) was that era, but I was still dependent on collaboration and needed vocalists to sing the songs. I didn’t write many lyrics on it either. So that transition to the next project (Orange Earth) was taking more autonomy and wanting to be able to create and perform these songs myself; whether on tour or live or recording. It's what led to singing on stuff (which I was uncomfortable with) on top of the responsibility of creating everything. But it was necessary. And now, I’m at a point where I'm the most comfortable I've been with my voice and playing abilities, so I can turn my attention towards what ideas I’m presenting with the album and I think that's why it’s taken so long. It hasn't been a goal to prove myself, but to convey what I’m going through.

For sure, and to add to that, what personal challenges did you have to go through and overcome to see through this entire project?

I think I'm still struggling with it. The number one thing has been completely and effectively conveying what I hope to convey. That’s been what's taken so long. I have written and recorded at least 30 songs and a lot of them have been reworked 3 or 4 times, but I only feel comfortable with like 3 of them to release. It’s making sure I’m being faithful to why I'm making this album. To be honest that's been difficult for me because as an artist in 2019, I want to put things out. I want to stay in the mix and the conversation. I don’t want people to forget about me, as stupid as it sounds. It’s that constant struggle of stopping myself and just sticking faithful to my principles. It’s a goal to not be reactionary, which is hard. It'd be very easy to react but suppressing that urge has been part of my discipline lately.

Through this project, what is the largest ideal you hope to see conveyed and the principles which can be examined throughout it?

It's basically an existential crisis and the fear of the passage of time and how love is affected by that fear. My love for my parents, my siblings, my significant other, and my friends are influenced by my paralyzing fear of time making us older. That’s been the through-line for the whole project and it's been interesting to see how that's manifested itself through living in New York and now moving in with my parents this summer and spending more time with them. All of those things are informing the music I’m creating. Every time I think I'm straying away from that core I know I have to reel it back it. It's been a tough mental space for the last couple years to jump into, but I think it's worth it for me. I want to faithfully represent this moment.

At the finish line at this album do you feel a sense of catharsis and epiphany with this project or has it only amplified your fears and uncertainties?

I think song-writing for me has always been a way to work through my own emotions. The way I write is very intuitive and I tend to usually write using a freestyle of train of thought I’ll record as a guide. This album has helped me work through what I first didn’t understand and what I can continue to want to understand. It served as catharsis and a decoding of sorts for me. Its helped me be aware of what I'm feeling, which has allowed me to act on it. I know how I want to spend my time and how I want to live. A lot of that awareness comes from working on this project.

And as someone who fears the passage of time, what do you feel are the ways you overcome that beyond music and creation, as it is a universal fear?

Personally, it's all about living in the moment. There's a lot of little things that happen in a day and being aware of these little things help. If I’m home and my mom is going grocery shopping, I’ve been more aware to join her those moments. Being hyper-aware of it has helped me be more at peace. I can't help time passing but I can control how I use it.

You’ve talked in the past about seeing songs as rollercoasters and them having these moments where you feel weightless and so free. What songs have those moments for you and what have they meant?

I think my mind immediately goes to ‘Skyline To’, the moment with the keys arpeggio thing. That stream of consciousness-esque production - It's a very linear style with a sense of momentum in the arrangement. That stuff fascinates me. I've been listening to a lot of Sufjan Stevens and artists like that where each song has its own story and each song feels like a film with acts and a climax. I love that idea of a song being the score to a moment.

It's funny you mention Sufjan because the first song to my head was ‘Death with Dignity’ when the piano comes in because it's the most perfect piece ever.

I mean, Carrie and Lowell... Yeah, I think I listened to it every day for six months while making this project. There is definitely Sufjan love there.

I know you love Blonde and obviously Carrie and Lowell, but what other albums have inspired you in this creation process?

I’ve been revisiting Radiohead a lot for the nostalgia and dystopian elements in their sound. Some Simon and Garfunkel, specifically ‘Bookends’ by them. There's a bunch of songs there that embody the linear aspect I talked about. As always I'm listening to a lot of classical music. Some film scores like Phantom Thread and Call Me by Your Name. Elliott Smith too, all that folk acoustic stuff. Also: Mid-Air Thief’s Crumbling, Stereolab’s Dots & Loops, Jessica Pratt’s Quiet Signs, Grizzly Bear’s Yellow House, Moses Sumney’s Aromanticism, Badly Drawn Boy’s The Hour of Bewilderbeast, Stevie Wonder’s Innervisions, etc….

It’s interesting you mentioned a few film soundtracks there as it does match your sound well. If you could take your album and make it the soundtrack to any film or a plot you want. Which do you think it would fit with?

Well, I’d say a lot of my music is inspired by Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and I’ve always wanted to make music that felt like that movie. It’s funny because it deals with time in a funny way as well.

What things on the horizon are on your artistic bucket list and why do they hold significance to you?

The biggest thing is playing this music with a band. I grew up playing the drums in different bands and I always loved the specific high you get when playing on stage with others. When you communicate with the musicians on stage via the music. I miss that infinitely and it's something I can't wait to do again. It's funny because while working on the album I'll think about how I’ll perform it live and realize I can't do it without 5 others… but that's a great realization.

And on the idea of the topic of the live atmosphere, what do you think the live experience has to have for it to be a show you can be proud of?

I think it’s all about creating moments. Translating those moments on stage is the key and I honestly think they can be even more powerful on stage. I remember when I was younger seeing live jazz and feeling this emotional tug of war going on. And all of sudden I understood the point of live music, to pull something out of the listeners/viewers. To create those moments is the goal of it all. That's the next labyrinth for me to take on, as it will be as hard as the album creation has been.

In the next year and this move you're within, what are memories you're becoming nostalgic for before they even happen and moments you are excited to experience?

I'm very excited to create a new home. I'm planning on moving to Los Angeles this summer and I’m excited for that feeling of an exhale. Having a home again in a new place with people I love is the most important thing right now. I don't really have a home right now and I can't wait to have the simple moments like having my own bed again and my own studio and my own walls to decorate.

Do you have anyone to shoutout or any ideas to ensure you’ve said? The floor is yours...

A lot of my friends and family are doing beautiful stuff right now. My brother Joan Gonzalez is going to release his comedy short series which he wrote and stars in. I’m excited for him to finally put his work out into the world. My sister Yolanda Gonzalez is performing in her first theater show in Miami this summer. Cehryl just released a beautiful album. Mulherin is about to release new music too. Alex Szotak is writing new stuff! Cautious Clay makes so much music, I’m sure he’s about to release more craziness soon. Aaron Vazquez is working new visual work. The last thing I want to say is that I don’t know anything about anything.

                                                            -

Listen to Soft Glas on Spotify and Soundcloud

Follow Soft Glas on Instagram and Twitter

                                                           -

Photos by Sinjun Strom

                                                          -

Words and Interview by Guy Mizrahi

[unlovedaddict]

The Best SEO to 2019

A internet site that would like to remain relevant these days must certainly minimal SEO. Local SEO can be the bit technical to some individuals. You are already aware great content ranks higher on checklist of SEO. I actually may think you need to modify much of your local SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION optimization for local search. When deciding exactly what search topics to and exactly how best to focus your SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION efforts, treating keyword querying as an investigative tool is where you will likely obtain the best results. To understand how SEO works to improve search engine rankings, we'll need to break it down a little. Many of the SEO strategies we've been using for many years are still worth our advertising dollars — blogging, social press, and inbound marketing — by way of example. For years, links have got been the trust signal with regard to search engines — one that will SEOs spent the most period on optimizing (and often manipulating). It makes sense therefore that will focusing on brand relevance plus prominence will result in rank higher in local SEO. SEO provides never been about rankings just. A report published by Cosmopolitan Journal of Advanced Research Basis states that India is fixed to see the incredible development of digital marketing industry since of growing acceptance of ecommerce and online businesses; and, I actually expect the same for the particular career of content writers or even SEO copy writers. Gaining higher ranks within the search results to gain leads and thus generate on the web revenue from organic marketing methods is how you rock the particular SEO domain. Despite the ancient usage, Backlinks are nevertheless the most powerful facet associated with the latest SEO trends plus techniques. I discussed this idea within my last post here upon Moz — Awaken SEO 2019 PDF, SEOs -- the NEW New Google is usually Here — so I is not going to repeat myself, but I perform suggest you decide to move read it (again). Also, with just how SEO works today, just spamming keywords isn't going to assist you at all. All SEO specialists will give more emphasis in order to content marketing and social mass media in 2018.

SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION, while still search engine marketing, encompasses so much more procedures in 2018. Consumer experience has never been even more important to SEO. In this blog page post, I am going in order to share a few On-Page SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION techniques with you, that may be done completely through Light Hat method. Meta descriptions have simply no impact on your WordPress SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION when it comes to search positions. But if a person engage in genuine conversation plus your site is helpful in order to users, you're on the correct track to boosting off-page SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION. With social videos producing 1200% more shares than textual content and images combined, according in order to WordStream, look for video revealing to be a big SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION trend in 2018. Really exciting, but my mind-set regarding SEO has changed… I utilized to over-think it, trying in order to develop the right” variety associated with periods to make use of key keywords. I've been doing SEO for the last 5 years, and throughout those years, I've attempted to consume all the information about SEO which i could get my hands on. This blog post is all that information plus new ranking techniques that work in 2018, condensed.

Incorporating SEO into your marketing and advertising strategy is currently crucial to the particular success of your website plus business. Hence, the particular business owners need to concentrate on each new development plus understand its tweaks and improvements and its effects on the particular website rating to establish the particular right type of SEO technique that retains high rankings. In 2018, SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION strategies will be greatly inspired by voice search as the particular focus will be on long-tail search keywords. Digital co-workers like Siri and Alexa are usually now common in many houses and the way the unit make use of search engines is moving the particular goalposts for SEO marketers as soon as more. Very helpful information for me, thanks intended for sharing with us, but i actually want to ask that We am doing seo for on the internet magazine and which new methods i can value to obtain more traffic to our web site. Most of the particular newbies in the digital marketing and advertising field are executing Gray Head wear SEO techniques.

These niches or categories are usually labeled with keywords, so SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION enables you to be rated for a particular category simply by using appropriate keywords or key phrases and key phrases. As predicted, local SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION and local search made a good impact in the past 12 months, though the online world have not fully embraced the new great introduced by hyper-localization. As a result, let's have a look with the emerging SEO trends associated with 2018. Nearby SEO is always a great place to start for little businesses. Analyzing the quality of your own website's inbound backlinks and just how they're feeding into your site architecture can provide your SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION team insight into from your own website's strongest and weakest webpages to search visibility on specific keywords against competing brands. Because my company offers had lots of success in SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION, I believed that search purpose wouldn't apply at me. I might just create a better page” and push that page upward with backlinks. When it comes to Search engines SEO, the rel=canonical link element has become VERY IMPORTANT over the years plus NEVER MORE SO. So taking time out there to accomplish an SEO training training course will only be beneficial regarding your business as it will certainly help you stay ahead associated with your competitors. The team at MyTasker has modelled an infographic upon SEO Techniques and Strategies which supplies valuable insights that are essential with regard to driving targeted traffic to your own business website. Regardless of Google best effort, there's nevertheless a loophole and there's nevertheless more to do with regional search or hyperlocal SEO. This may help businesses set up a good SEO platform that is each user and SEO friendly. SEO is the method associated with increasing a website's visibility plus ranking on search results webpages. Staying on top of the particular changing trends in search motor optimization (SEO) is a need to if a website will likely be noticed by targeted customers. SEO in 2018 will be giving us a brand brand-new concept: Instead of typing key phrases on the computer, consumers are usually asking questions. Since you may be able in order to guess from the name, WordTracker focuses in on one component of SEO: keyword research. Just like adding interlinks above, you should also include some external links to higher domain authority sites. ย This assists your WordPress SEO by allowing Google know that you are usually linking out to high-quality content material that is highly relevant in order to yoursย and improves the user encounter by giving them with extra information. Thus, SEO strategy will certainly aim to make a backlink user profile to avoid spamming in 2018 and yes, backlink will remain an important key to producing your business rank on best in search ranking. But it's confusing why some businesses don't consider harder with analysis, revisions, plus new at ease with their particular SEO marketing strategy. Blogs, guides, whitepapers, case studies, videos, and interpersonal posts all have to consist of the right keywords for interpersonal and SEO. In case RankBrain will end up more and even more influential in rankings, that is usually very likely, that means that will SEO's will begin optimizing even more and more for user knowledge instead of other factors. Keyword research is one associated with the first things taught in order to beginners learning SEO and this is still very effective in order to this day. The particular way we go about understanding search engine optimization is the little distinct from the typical SEO tutorial, so stick along with us. Be a good SEO practitioner of evergreen content material Until next time, be great to Google and he'll (probably) end up being good to your site. Excellent year for SEO from the perspective, especially now Penguin is usually real-time which will (hopefully) remove a few of the scrubs and their pesky backlink equipment. The Beginner's Guide in order to SEO has been read more than 3 million times and offers comprehensive information you need in order to can get on the street to professional quality Seo, or even SEO. QuickSprout is an excellent SEO device to monitor the performance associated with your website and blog content. Difficult uncommon for B2C plus B2B businesses to move slowly upon marketing and SEO trends. My first tag is our exact target keyword (Example: Search engines SEO”). To become able to use article marketing and advertising for SEO, authors aim in order to write useful articles which will certainly be used by as several publishers as possible and produce many backlinks. 2. Writing Regarding the Audience - There offers been a major shift within SEO from writing for the particular search engines like google (Google), to writing for your readers. It can be one of the top SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION trends in 2018 because right now there will be a great focus on SEO according to visible content, since it is the more interactive approach. Knowing the above facts, Voice Lookup being on the uprising within forseeable future, SEO specialists have got to be more accurate regarding long tail keywords, schema, Search engines my business and FAQs webpages; as these pages would impact the technicality of search outcomes tremendously. New School SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION has us searching for semantically related keywords and additional topical ointment paragraphs we can add in order to a single long-form blog article.

Internal linking is amongst the major aspects of SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION as with the aid associated with it you can direct visitors to your other pages plus posts too. The thing regarding YouTube Google rankings since 04 2014 Google had a main update, many vseo have already been crying but the option would certainly be pretty simple. This particular may not sound like a good advanced SEO strategy, but you'd probably be surprised the number associated with websites are missing basic on-page SEO like page titles or even descriptions. But this has a nice SEO advantage to boot: multimedia helps a person boost those user-interaction signals that will Google continues to be spending more attention to. I feel looking to rank with the key phrase online jobs but as the particular URL is long & the particular keyword is in the finish associated with the URL, I am not really ranking on the first place even after my page and my SEO is more preferable than various other first 3 ranked sites. SEO is almost all about backlinks, right?

They are the particular exact SEO strategies that have assisted to boost our organic lookup engine traffic (unique visitor) simply by 35. 36% in just thirty days. There exists a great deal of misinformation about what a good SEO campaign (company) can achieve with regards to organic research engine rankings. Of course, key phrase targeting still matters but because Google's A. I. becomes more efficient, SEOs and publishers need in order to think more on task finalization — in which the job is the underlying intent associated with the keyword. The most critical step of most is to write a subject which will inspire people in order to share your post, and that will contains your SEO keyword. Several businesses have been tracked spending 80% of their marketing budget on Pay out Per Click Strategies (Search plus Social) and only 20% upon SEO. Investing in quality techniques which do take longer yet endure and are also all those which generate valuable traffic will be the greatest way to invest your time on SEO. Furthermore, Google will always elevate the particular importance of usability and specialized SEO factors, such as web site security, page speed, mobile friendliness, and navigability. If you want to become visible to your target target audience and see the peak overall performance of your website, then a person have to stay up in order to date with SEO (Search Motor Optimization). SEO experts manipulates a range of factors to provide your own site a boost to ascend the very best of the particular search engines' list. As SEO heads towards even more relevant and personalized experiences, UX will be key to preserving search traffic by creating a good engaged audience. The vast majority of the SEO trends intended for 2018 are exactly as a person would expect, and show all of us where marketing is going : mobilisation, artificial intelligence, localisation plus enhanced security. The SEO is usually evolving and now it's getting very dependent on your content material marketing strategy. Then, your blog post can require backlinks from other SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION blogs. Today, optimizing the particular SEO techniques for voice lookup is of utmost relevance simply because, with the upgrading of tone of voice assistants, a large number associated with individuals as well as businesses are availing of voice lookup for prompt searching of queries. Away page SEO refers to strategies that can be used in order to increase the positioning of the website in the search motor results page (SERPs). Long gone are the times when keyword placement and back links guaranteed success in SEO. I think the particular #1 trend for 2018 within SEO is going to become Google Voice. Links and technical SEO are usually the largest bits of the quiche, but multimedia efforts such since video, photos, and podcasts can be the game changer plus differentiator in many competitive marketplaces. Back in the wild-west times of SEO, Google wasn't therefore great at identifying the connection between semantic keywords. Changes searching algorithms and within people's search habits and the particular preferences of mobile over desktop computer are changing the world associated with SEO. SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION (Search Engine Optimization) has turn out to be the driving force behind productive web-based companies. Lookup engine optimization strategies and SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION best practices that were as soon as effective this past year may not end up being useful today. Focusing on user intent and attempting out these 19 SEO ideas is a recipe for visitors success. Many marketers selected to drive their modern marketing and advertising engine with the fuel associated with Video SEO in 2015. SEO will create sure you blogs get discovered and drive traffic. In 2018, SEO technique should consider how we eat visual content, and how research engines go beyond text in order to learn changing search habits. So, the base line is that when a person want to pace with all of us SEO trends, you need in order to consider both keyword optimisation plus content relevancy. Well, the new SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION Trends focus on more pictures, videos, links, social Medias, write-up listings, followed by widgets plus ads. Then read all about the particular 4 most important (technical) SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION trends for 2018. Because so much spreading now happens on major cultural media platforms, social signals might become as important to SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION as time on page, content linking, and content quality. I know there's the entire idea of search experience optimization” and ensuring you are customization for platforms beyond search yet when it comes down in order to it, SEO is about getting found in search engines. Current addition of Google's new lengthier meta description snippets, featured thoughts, knowledge panels, local packs plus much more, you've got your own SEO hands full! SEO specialists have to look for new tricks and techniques to promote a website due to the fact Google algorithms take into accounts not only keywords, but also context, and a lot more. The particular biggest SEO trend in 2018 is voice search queries. There is the blur line between mobile SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION and desktop search engine marketing and advertising. One of the particular trends I expect to notice in 2018, which will possess a significant impact on almost all aspects of SEO, will be the raising role of artificial intelligence. SEO is an Online advertising strategy that improves the visitors on your webpage or site. Meaning by 2018, SEO based promotion strategy ought to concentrate on having long-verse content material for best ranking results. A good SEO strategy in 2018 requirements to consider the way we all consume visual content and just how search engines now go further than text to explore the altering habits of search. As a matter of reality, the strength of any website is situated in the DA. Domain Power is SEOmozs calculated metric with regard to how well a given website is likely to rank looking results. An SEO expert can tell you this single modification may not improve your web page rankings or authority very significantly, however it will get even more clicks. Off-page SEO very efficiently in marketing your business where social press, bookmarking sites, forums, blog listing, Q&A, articles, videos, image plus infographic sharing, and document discussing play well. Even though AMP is not so very much a ranking signal for SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION, you can imagine that AMP's, when properly utilised, provide the broader visibility. The white hat SEO methods are good for future-proof SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION results Meanwhile, black hat need to be avoided at all expenses as they strategies are the particular ones that Google and various other search engines are determined in order to root out. But as Dan Taylor described in a comprehensive look from RankBrain and SEO, there will be no set way to enhance for RankBrain, although certain lookup practices are now more related than ever before. A lot associated with people see SEO or Lookup Engine Optimization as a unexplainable industry. Having the page on the search motors my business is a excellent helper for your local business plus is an essential portion of Regional SEO, and I think that will during 2018 it is heading to pass a value in order to the local SEO. Even though, it is touch time intensive to create the quality video, it is greater than worth it. Great for visitors and SEO as well. Technical SEO: Assuring all hyperlinks are up-to-date, performing keyword study, setting up redirects when web pages are moved, fixing errors, making use of proper markup, and so on. As there is usually with all sorts or marketing and advertising or advertising technique, there are proven, time examined guidelines that when implemented properly will help you immensely along with your Local SEO campaign. Top SEO businesses will even advice you within good time on the solutions and features that you require to increase traffic onto your own website within a more easy time frame. Here I have began my Post title with the target keyword SEO”. And, as this so happens, engagement with your own listing may have a good impact on your rankings, therefore shock horror doing good marketing and advertising is also good for your own SEO. Yet, I'm quite sure by the particular end of 2020, voice research will be very common, plus there will be many discussions going on in the SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION world on how to improve the content for a tone of voice search, similar how it's today about mobile. On-Page SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION describes all the things that will you can do on your website in order to assist you rank higher, like as page titles, internal backlinking, Meta tags & descriptions, and so on. Success in SEO will be the best content around the subject you picked and quality back links to it from other sources with high authority level. Voice technology plus digital assistants are paving the particular path for new and helpful ways to deliver content plus approach SEO. Learning much more in our blog publish: 5 reasons why User Encounter (UX) is important for SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION. I was initially concerned about ranking my websites and it was too very much to learn about SEO. Using rich images as an SEO strategy ought to be a major focus within increasing your brand presence plus reach via content marketing within 2018. However, along with the advancement of technology plus Google latest updates you may improve rankings by adopting tone of voice search, accelerated mobile pages, content material marketing, mobile optimization, user-experience marketing, long-tail keywords, local SEO, Search engines Quick Answer Box, Microformat plus Artificial Intelligence within your SEO technique 2018. Consequently, it is extremely essential intended for businesses to take note associated with SEO and make sure that will their websites are properly listed by search engines.

[rouge-fox-expanded]

Muse Post #1 (Tumblr be messing with me)

All this is copied directly from my OC pages, apparently some users can’t get to these pages so I am making a post. In short: Tumblr be daft, so I’m doing this

FOX: WARRIOR OF GOTHAM

(art by the amazing @newtraumwelt​, here is his DA Page:  http://nwitchgun.deviantart.com/ )

Psychological Profile (taken from my DA page)

Name: Jack Dahl (birth name: unknown)

Alter ego: Fox

Age: Mid-twenties as birthdate is also unknown

Nationality: British

Eye colour: Burnt Orange

Personality Info

Jack Dahl works for Bruce Wayne as an executive operative at Wayne Enterprises and as a vigilante operative for Batman. Fox has a working partnership with fellow operative Ronin/Joseph Kane and the two of them are rather close friends. His personalities between his two identities seem very similar, as Jack Dahl he applies a charming guiding figure to his colleagues and employees at the Wayne Enterprises Technology department, something which carries over to his Fox persona (although the vigilante operatives he works with he treats more bluntly). He is outwardly quite a laid back, calm and often a relatively cheerful person but seems to be hiding a very potent and aggressive streak of rage. He is often able to keep a lid on this under what his friends (Joseph Kane and Jude Howard) have dubbed as ‘scary calm’ in which even under great stress he is able to operate under the same clear and tactical thinking he does when things are fine. However, when his rage becomes too much to keep in line, he lets it out in what Jude has dubbed ‘Scarier Angry’ in which an already violent and hyper militant warrior becomes incredibly brutal.

Fox adheres to Batman’s no kill rule, almost religiously, but has gained a reputation for leaving his prey with lasting physical and mental trauma, this is owed to his own brutal and hellish training under the enigmatic warrior known as the Mercenary King. Fox often finds himself at odds with the people he works with (Ronin, Robin, Nightwing et al) owing to what appears to be an arrogant belief that he naturally knows how to most effectively take on almost every enemy they may face. This links back to his hyper tactical mind where during his training he was taught to learn beforehand how to best the most powerful opponents so he didn’t have to think on his feet but would just know what to do, thus allowing him to work quickly and efficiently (and brutally).

Both inside and outside of his armour Fox is considered somewhat hyper social, using his infectious charm to quickly endear to almost everyone he meets (with the exception of his opponents), he’s been known to dance and sing and whilst fighting villains he frequently does so to a selected soundtrack (something he and Jude have regarded as ‘dropping the beat for a beat down’). However, despite all this Jack is not a happy man, on the contrary he is actually diagnosed with severe depression and a number of other mental defects.

Psychological info

Owing to parental neglect and emotional (sometimes physical) abuse, the separation from his little sister at the age of twelve and a very socially harmful time at secondary (high) school Jack carries a lot of unresolved childhood trauma. This was further amplified under the unforgiving training when working under the Mercenary king. It’s believed that this training is also where he got his emotional suppressive behaviour from (or scary calm) along with his hyper tactical way of thinking and it’s almost certainly where he got his high aggression from. The victims of these aggressive bouts are usually criminals whom have committed incredibly violent and depraved crimes, notable cases are Black Mask, the late and former mercenary Chameleon and the child killer known as the Bogeyman. As said before he doesn’t kill but his violence borders on torture and he has threatened several thugs he’s encountered with castration (fortunately he’s never had to follow up this infamous threat). Fox has confessed to several fellow vigilantes that he feels he is unable to live a life other than this one, he needs to fight as it’s been conditioned into his mind and soul by the Mercenary King but he doesn’t want to fight for someone else’s cause. He frequently quotes Metal Gear Solid character Frank Jaeger (aka Gray Fox) and says:

“we’re not tools of the government or anyone else, fighting is all I was ever good at but at least I fought for what I believed in”.

Fox’s hyper social behaviour is linked to a lingering sense of monophobia and self-loathing which has manifested in the schizophrenic voice which he has dubbed Kitsune. This secondary personality is frequently loudest in moments of great stress and anguish and tries to push Fox over the edge and make him commit very brutal acts of violence and has always been there whenever Fox was tempted to actually take one of his opponent’s lives. Fox’s self-loathing is a core part of his personality and at the heart of the structure of his severe depression. The following is Jack’s own account for summing up his feelings of low self-worth, confessed to Joseph Kane at a bar whilst intoxicated:

“I don’t give a shit about what people think about me, see this is because deep down…like in my heart of hearts I know…I know I suck. And because I know that, it doesn’t matter if other people tell it to me because I already know it to be true…so they can’t hurt me with it, that damage has been done already”

Joseph Kane then immediately took Jack back to his apartment and made him sleep on the sofa, incredibly worried about leaving him on his own that night.

Fox’s depression and self-loathing plays a direct hand in his difficulty and sometimes inability to form serious relationships, in the case of his close friendship with Jude Howard and Joseph Kane he feels he has to keep a large part of his life a secret in order for them to accept and like him. This also plays a much heavier hand in romantic endeavours, he cannot fathom why someone would have such feelings for him which also manifests in a fear of intimacy (also linked back to times under the mercenary king where he reveals a lot of people used romance as a means to get close enough to try and kill him). As mentioned above Jack is a drinker, not always a heavy one but he has become intoxicated on multiple occasions. It’s during these occasions that his emotional suppression is fully dropped and all of his feelings come out in a burst making him sometimes act with hyperactive joy, become angry and aggressive (resulting in a back alley brawl with some unfortunate thugs), confused and sleepy and often at the climax of all of these outbursts intense sorrow. Whenever these moments happen in the company of Joseph Kane he refuses to allow his friend to go anywhere alone as he is aware Jack has a history of suicidal tendencies. Possibly a result of the brutal training or the litany of unresolved trauma Fox no longer cares if he dies, apparently he fears becoming the monster he was conditioned to be more so than death (this is a huge concern for all who know him).

Conclusion

Fox is a noble warrior, a loyal friend and a charming human being but this is only scratching the surface of his personality. He is a deeply damaged and traumatized individual, suffering great mental sickness, emotional instability and a great difficulty forming serious relationships due to fear of intimacy, rejection and abandonment. He believes in Batman’s mission, in what he and his fellow superheroes and crime fighters stand for and will happily fight for that and is willing to die for it.

Abilities/Skills

Athletic build and stamina

Technologically gifted, proficient in weaponry, sonic technology, computer hacking

Heightened senses (augmented sight and hearing, not to superhuman levels ala Superman but heightened to give a clear edge in battle and stealth)

Expert swordsman, proficient in almost every sword art and constantly adapting more styles into his own

Heightened Stamina, through training and sheer will is able to take a monumental amount of pain

Advanced martial arts and combat skills, trained by the most dangerous people on the planet

Family/Relationships

(Art by the amazing @hazelmuttart​ so check her out)

Elizabeth ‘Lizzie’ Dahl (Adopted Daughter)

Jude Howard/Okami (Best Friend/Partner)

Haley Reid/Kumiho (Sister/Partner)

Joseph Kane/Ronin (Best Friend/Partner) –character created by @dkalban

Shipping

Fox is heterosexual though as seen in his psychological profile extremely jaded and traumatised when it comes to relationships. He is a multi-shippable character but so long as the relationship feels right, he will be slow to romance so patience is key. He is quick to take a mentor/paternal role particularly if caring for children.

Role-Play relationships

(To be amended when necessary)

[her-culture]

The Insecure Yet Incredible Black Woman

I am currently obsessed with watching and discussing the show Insecure starring Issa Rae and the Netflix film The Incredible Jessica James starring Jessica Williams because of how these women have made me more confident as an ‘insecure’ yet ‘incredible’ black woman. I wanted to break down how exactly they taught me this based on the general lessons I’ve learned from them.

Having More Open Dialogue Can Make You Less Closed Minded

There is limited light shed on how important it is for the black community to be able to express their individual imperfections without feeling as though it falls upon the shoulders of the whole race. A show like Insecure constantly has the characters evaluate themselves as they make judgements or assumptions about others.

Jessica and I are both storytellers. We write about people so much that we assume we know enough about them. Our biggest challenge is allowing people to see our more vulnerable side, since we don’t talk about it.

Both Jessica and Issa are characters which live within this bubble of determining if they are really ‘woke’ or have been missing opportunities to further expand their knowledge. I enjoyed watching both Insecure and Jessica James for the honest discussions. These works motivate me not only challenge myself to speak more honestly, but also to listen to the various truths that others may share with me.

Don’t Front About Grown Woman Struggles

A lot of my time in college has been preoccupied with figuring out what type of ‘grown’ woman I am becoming or trying to be. I don’t necessarily always feel grown, but I know that there is no way of going back to a juvenile state when adult pressures start to weigh on me. Throughout my life leading up to this, I have always wanted to be an adult mostly because I loved the idea of having more independence and being taken more seriously. As most people come to realize, being an adult is much harder than it actually looks. Most of the time, I feel the need not to complain about those struggles, since everyone is facing similar challenges with adulthood and it is just something you have to deal with.

I feel that there is a lot to be gained from being comfortable with newfound independence, but there is also a lot lost when you pretend that you are equipped to handle every problem you face on your own. Watching Issa stumble, fall and manage to pick herself up with the various experiences she has as a black woman in her mid twenties has given me hope as well as some fear of what the future of my grown woman state will look like.

While watching The Incredible Jessica James, there were small moments where I saw bits and pieces of what Jessica’s upbringing was like. I recognized her story as my own. She grew into somebody her younger self would be proud of, but that still doesn’t feel like enough. Jessica now expects more out of life. She did not realize it would take so much effort just to get to this point in her life and still not be as successful as she thought it would be. Grown women are supposed to have it all figured out, or so I used to think. Seeing Jessica and Issa figuring out what comes next in their lives encourages me not to rush trying to have mine completely figured out right now.

Don’t Be Consumed by the Fear of Intimacy

Since starting college a little more than a year ago, I have become hyper aware of and surrounded by intimacy. The idea of making not only a physical, but maybe even an emotional connection with someone in that way scares me to my core, but it is also an experience I strongly desire to have. In a society full of dating apps and impersonal ways of getting to know someone before things possibly get personal - it’s been really hard figuring out if any of this is a path I actually want to take. In all honesty, relationships and the idea of trusting another individual so deeply is not something I feel ready for at the moment. This has led me to realize that perhaps I’ll be best satisfied with quick interactions. I can invest in it more physically than emotionally, but the challenge is first getting extremely comfortable with someone. I don’t want to have to worry about there being a misunderstanding in what we need from each other at that particular moment.

It is not necessarily judgement or shame I fear, but the idea of letting these feelings that I’ve been oppressing gain more power over my life than they should. In simple terms, I would say that I’m afraid of how messy these type of experiences can be. It was so refreshing to see a character like Jessica open the film with stating her stance on her own wants, desires and boundaries. For most of the film, she executes control over the new relationship she becomes involved in, which originally was just meant to be a one night stand. She did not give into allowing her full emotions to come into play until she understood what she wanted and needed out of her next partner. Jessica took her time and I admire that,because I hate the idea of rushing any kind of connection with someone just for the sake of trying to fill a void in your life. Issa on the other hand does let her encounters get a bit carried away, and while that’s not really inspiring for me, I appreciate the fact that the show realistically depicts how simple plans can unfold into complicated actions.

Issa was also trying to fill a gap that opened after the ending of her last relationship. However, as the show progressed, she started to let those experiences define her. What I try to keep in mind after viewing both works is that it is difficult to separate your body and mind from certain interactions, so it is best to be upfront not only with the person you are sharing intimacy with, but with yourself about why you want that experience. Sometimes it will just be sheer impulsiveness that drives it, but even before that initial moment of contact, you may have enough time to assess why you want this to happen now and if you are prepared for what might come later.

Pursue the Hell Out of Your Passion

Both Issa and Jessica have showed me that without holding onto some kind of passion or goal, life more or less becomes a hard job you didn’t apply for. It was especially after watching The Incredible Jessica James that I became proud of my own persistence and drive with film and television, which mirrored Jessica’s nonstop pursuit of storytelling in the theater world.

The business of entertaining people is very fickle, so you have to want it for more than just being known for your work or becoming a public figure. Jessica James and I both want to use storytelling as a tool of communication. In the film, there are several scenes where she leads a theater program in an attempt to get young children to create their own plays and see their imaginations come to life. I’ve experienced something similar to that by leading short film workshops for young women in my community in my senior year of high school. While it will always be rewarding seeing people appreciate the work I put out there, it is a special and unique kind of accomplishment to be able to help other people get their work to come to life. It’s like the gift that keeps on giving. I am at a stage in life now where I have a strong idea of where I want to be and how I plan to get there - but I know that my plans could easily be interrupted. So I have to take each moment as it comes and enjoy what they not only teach me as an artist, but as a person. A journey only stops once you are no longer moving forward.

Being Wrong Sucks More When You Can’t Admit It

Like most people I’ve encountered, I hate being wrong. It is not just the idea of failing to provide a right answer but also the fact that being seen as wrong tends to cut a bit at my confidence. Providing a valid contribution to any situation reaffirms to me that I am on the right track with something. Being aware that I did something wrong stunts me momentarily. It’s like I don’t want to participate any further out of fear that I will be on some sort of losing streak.

The character of Issa on Insecure often finds herself making seemingly wrong choices to the point that it makes her feel like nothing she does will ever be right. Issa wants to be helpful to her friends and community, but tends to put a bit too much weight on just herself. This causes her to become extremely frustrated with herself if a plan didn’t quite go well, or if anyone is unhappy with her efforts. I strongly relate to this because sometimes I feel that one of my best traits is my resourcefulness. When I am not able to fulfill this position the way I want to, I basically begin to question everything.

It was very confronting to see a character in the film The Incredible Jessica James who was able to confront Jessica about being wrong, without making her feel wrong. It was important for me to see Jessica learn how to accept and open up about being wrong, and not facing any of the consequences she feared. I’ve also seen this throughout the show Insecure, when Issa and the other characters learned that once they can acknowledge where they went wrong, they can get started on making things right - or at least work on preventing similar mistakes in the future.

A Few or a Single Good Friend is Better Than an Unreliable Squad

The main characters in Insecure and The Incredible Jessica James have a main best friend and then a sort of small social group. The relationships between the characters are very strong and relatable. Since Insecure is a show that gives more room for stronger character development, I was able to see how Issa and her best friend Molly, played by Yvonne Orji, go through a lot of turmoil in their relationship, but manage to remember that their bond is stronger than the drama they have at the moment. This has become more relevant to me lately because I’m used to being such a solitary person, and sometimes I don’t allow my friends into my little world. Friendships at the core are relatively similar no matter what age group you fall in but I see that the older people get, friends are less about how much time you spend together and more about the quality of time you spend together.

I’m still getting used to the idea of having friends I actually love so deeply because I’ve often tried to prevent myself from letting people outside of my family affect me in that way. It circles back to my fear of intimacy all around - physically, mentally and emotionally. In observing how Issa and Molly’s friendship strengthens throughout the show, I noticed that it is not just about keeping it “real” with each other. These two women also have learned that sometimes it is best to let your friend live in a fantasy for a little bit. Sometimes the way people cope with certain issues is by reimagining the problem in a way that looks better to them. It may not always be helpful to the situation, but a good friend doesn’t also need to be your therapist. That puts more pressure on them to always know how to help you and that isn’t a realistic ideal that should be apart of any friendship.

Jessica has a friend Tasha who also is pursuing a career in the theater world. Their friendship from what I could tell in the movie is centered around ambition. They both are free spirits who just want to live off their art. Tasha seems more optimistic than Jessica at times and Jessica seemed more grounded than Tasha at times. I really loved this dynamic they had because both characters could fall back and forth on each other without one feeling like they have more weight on their side.

A friendship should never be solely based on what people can take from each other, but what they can give. I do all I can to give and show my friends support and that always looks different depending on which friend that is. Oftentimes, many people may think that more friends means more supporters but in my experience, there is no real correlation there. One or a few people can show you more support than a million.

Most of my closest friends happen to be black women. I believe this is because we start off relating to each other through shared struggles and experiences. It has especially become more prominent now for me to surround myself by a supportive group of black women because we are a community which often puts ourselves last and others first.With each other, we can make each other’s well being our priority for once. This is not to say that my friendships with people of other backgrounds are not as strong, but to exemplify that women, especially those of color, need each other the most.

Blackness is Beautiful. Period

I went through various phases in my life where I had to unlearn things that I was taught by Euro-centric beauty standards. A couple of months ago, I decided that I wanted my hair to be in its natural state (with no toxic chemicals or heat inserted into it). I could’ve never imagined making that decision years ago, when I often looked at my natural hair in disgust unless it was straightened. I was mainly influenced by representation, especially seeing Issa rock a different natural hairstyle nearly every episode. This was huge to me - beyond inspirational actually. Not every black woman needs to wear natural hair, but no black woman should be ashamed of her natural hair - this is easier said than done. Something simple as watching Issa casually walk around with natural hair seemed to change my thinking overnight. Not only did she wear it everyday, she was confident in it.

There was a similar realization I had about natural hair when I watched The Incredible Jessica James for the first time. I had never looked at locks or long braids as something I desired or imagined in my own head, but seeing Jessica flaunt and wear them so effortlessly was mesmerizing. She was practically a goddess in every scene. Less than a month ago, I tried extended braids for the first time and it actually felt pretty empowering - like I had been missing out on something great. It was not only the style that looked good, but I felt good, and I had a confidence about my appearance that I hadn’t quite experienced before.

Jessica Williams, the actress who plays Jessica James is also a tall black woman standing at around six feet. This meant the world to me as well because I’m five feet and eleven inches and have always been embarrassed about my height. I still have lingering insecurities about it but seeing Jessica Williams fiercely tower over everyone without a single slouch really moved me. I have slowly started paying attention to how I sit and stand more. Issa is also considerably tall at five feet and eight inches. It’s amazing actually to see tall women, tall black women feel that they can move around in their bodies freely, in their femininity freely without any visible fear of being seen as aggressive, masculine or even undesirable. They know their worth, both as their characters and in real life.

Lastly, watching beautiful brown skin glisten on screen really takes the cake for me. It is not a secret that lighter skin is traditionally seen as more desirable. I grew up thinking that maybe my life would be better if my skin wasn’t as dark as it is. I no longer doubt the beauty of my skin, but it took me such a long time to not only say it out loud, and actually believe it. Colorism in the black community is very much a common thing, which causes low self esteem in many black people with darker skin tones. The best way to combat it has been increasing the amount of darker skinned black people on television and movies in positive roles, just like the ones Issa and Jessica are in. I couldn’t be more grateful to these women for making this content so that people like me can see it and start to feel more confident about who they are.

[newcatwords]

wish i could escape from being hyper-aware of the position i hold in the world. i think i used to be like that, in high school. felt like i was a pretty chill dude. that i could be pretty chill with just about anybody. but maybe i was just fooling myself.

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one reason legally blonde is so great is that it’s a movie about what to do when life kicks you in the ass and you’ve got to get through a tough time to accomplish your dreams.

i don’t remember when i first started to feel as if i’d failed at something and let someone i cared about down.

i used to do well in school to please my parents. that means that i wanted to be good for them (imagine a believing person wanting to be good for their god(s)). i wanted to make them happy. i thought that if i did everything they wanted, that then they’d be happy with me. but then i realized that they’re both just happy i exist and am capable of taking care of myself more or less.

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it took me a long time to realize that when my mother asked me to help her with something, that she really actually needed my help. once i realized it, i couldn’t believe i had ever not realized it. now when i see a friend who’s around my age roll their eyes at the things their parents ask them to do, it makes me cringe and hope that they hurry up and realize that they should be nice to their parents if their parents genuinely need help.

i used to yell at my mom. i’ve made my mom cry and worry too many times. why did i do these things? i love my mom more than anyone else in the world and i will do anything for her. if it would make her happy, i’d go on an adventure with a cat and fight a dragon to retrieve a magical locket! and yet i used to yell at her. wi as frustrated that she wanted to talk to me “too much.” i tried to get her to leave me alone. i didn’t want to do what she wanted me to do anymore. she’s always manipulated me to get me to do what she wanted. she had no shame. i like to think that she knew i loved her more than life itself and would do anything she wanted as long as it was reasonable. i think she used that to get me to do what she wanted.

“the child who will sacrifice their own happiness for their parents”...i always wonder how that turns out for people. the only ones i know who’ve really gone all in on that have all been jewish men and it’s mostly turned out rough for them.

when i was in high school, my mom wanted me to do things to myself “so that i’d look prettier.” i hated her for it. i hated that she was trying to pressure me to be more feminine: to care for my appearance in a certain way, to want to look attractive. thankfully she never said anything about my weight. not like it stopped me from getting crazy about it anyway.

i tried to explain to a friend who’s a very nice white programmer dude what it means to be gaslit because as i suspected, he hasn’t had many people who have tried to manipulate him in this way. he’s only one of a couple i know who have actually asked me that. given all the different ways i’ve been gaslit, by all kinds of people i trusted, the answer to that question is complicated and i probably still don’t understand it. but i do know that i have been gaslit and i know that i’ve been taught lies. i’m on the desperate lookout for anything that might expose any lies i’ve been led to believe. but some of these guys, they don’t do it. regardless of why, they just don’t.

so they don’t know that when they have trouble communicating about emotions, that they have been made to not know how to communicate about emotions. “men and women are not born, they are made.” (judith butler). if you think about what that might mean, and the implications that would have on your own life if it was indeed true... 

so if it’s true, if the people we think of as “men” and the ones we think of as “women” are made, what does it mean if i feel “comfortable” in the traditions and practices of my assigned gender? does that mean that i’ve absorbed all the lessons i tried so hard to ignore? for example, i accept wearing women’s underwear. women’s underwear feels fine to me. for the most part it makes sense and i prefer them to men’s underpants. but some of my close friends are happy to wear mens underpants - boxers and briefs. fun fact: most of the people i know who one might consider “women” wear women’s underwear and most of the people i know who one might consider to be “men” wear men’s underwear.

now how did that happen? i wear underwear that’s supposed to be what people of my gender wear. how did i come to make this choice on my own? at some point i started to buy my own underwear (when i was a child, underwear was bought for me) and i was happy to buy the kind of underwear my mom had bought me back when i was little. it seems so simple. women’s underwear (to me) seems clearly superior to men’s underwear (especially boxers), but yet men continue to wear them. getting their boxers all bunched up under their pants. it’s mania! but then again, their pants are more likely to be loose, so maybe boxers aren’t that big of a problem for them. anyway, what i’m getting at is that even though i fiercely resisted my mom’s attempts to impose gender norms on me (regardless of whether they were good ideas or not!), i still ended up with loads of habits and interests that are considered feminine.

i imagine for many men it’s the same. at some point someone dressed them and when they began to acquire their own clothes, they kept going wearing various men’s clothes and that has been good enough for them. they are happy to wear men’s clothes. btw, in case it wasn’t obvious, we’re not talking about queer or queerish or trans or genderqueer dudes. we’re talkin dudes.

what i ask of these dudes is simple: why do you do things that are stereotypical of dudes?

common answers might be “i like it”, “it’s fine for me”, “i dunno, i just do what i like doing.”

to which i say “isn’t it kinda weird how much your individual choices have matched the things that are proscribed for your gender so much?”

i knew what the score was early on. i knew that some people thought girls were all bubblegum and princesses and pink, but someone would have to be real dumb to believe that all girls could ever be just one way, but if you follow their advice and do things that way, they’ll just be laughing behind their back that you took them seriously. cuz “everyone knows” that “no one” respects women who dress “like that.” “what did you expect would happen?” 

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one reason that kids are always sneaking off to do something weird is that they know their whereabouts are being kept track of. when you know that if you go missing for too long someone is going to come looking for you, you gotta get real sneaky about doing things that your minders might not want you to be doing ;)