#I CANT TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT
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IM PISSED AS HELL
#Art#my art#I was messing around and the colors turned out like#Okay for once#But I didn’t do it intentionally and I’m stubborn asf so I’m like#I FEEL LIKE IM CHEATING#IM GOING INSANE#DOES THIS COUNT AS PROGRESS OR IS KT BEGINNERS LUCK#Artists of tumblr#artists on tumblr#I use the lasso tool most of the time and I don’t know WHY it looks so much better than my brushes#But the thing is I WANT to be good at using brushes#I CANT TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT#MY HONOR IS AT STAKE#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH#It’s not FAIIIRRRRR#sobbing crying screaming
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language learning revelation i had
#me understanding 5 words in a 20 minute podcast episode: :D :D :D :D#me understanding enough of a podcast episode to be super aware of every word i dont know: :( :( :( :( :(#this is why the b1-b2 plateau is a thing#youre like in the 25-75% range there i think#which is THE MOST ANNOYING#with french i think ive just passed 75 so its fun again#im at like 80 i think#with arabic im at like 1 so its suuuper fun#it's avictory if i can figure out the TOPIC of ap odcast episode#bc like i cant read the titles fhkjghjgkhg#with french i could at least tell the topic from the title but i cant read the titles#so when i figure out what theyre talking about it's like holy shit#and i get like 20 minutes to try and do that#tunisian ones are fun bc they put in a lot of french words#so those are fairly easy to figure out#but also means i catch more and im doing 2 langauges at once so it doesnt take away from the fun#i explained to my dad yesterday my method of just listening to podcasts and trying to understand Anything. ANything At All#and he was like you have a lot of patience#but honestly i think it's the best way to learn#when you really want to know what something is saying and you have no other way to find out but to listen or read it#and like. figure it out#its my favourite way#and at the end the graph flattens out bc like it gets boring again right#this is why we start learning new languages when we plateau#bc we miss the fun
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I AM SO CLOSE TO FINISHING THE SHADOWZEL FIC I CAN FEEL IT IN MY BONES🤪🤪🤪
#im losing it I swear#I seriously considered taking the easy way out and just ending a scene right there because I was tired#but im like no its less satisfying to do that so im going to look at it again tomorrow#ive come this far i cant just cop out on ONE SCENE
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im genuinely the dumbest person alive
#im so fucking angry with myself im SO stupid#like yes im only 20 ive never really handled my finances alone before#this is only my second year of paying rent EVER there was bound to be mistakes#and im lucky to have a family that can support me when those mistakes inevitably occur. but my fucking goddddd#basically i didnt plan ahead and turns out my TOTAL student loan for this year covers my TOTAL rent this year#but ofc the installments dont cooperate and the sums are different per semester etc#so instead of looking ahead and going 'oh shit my last loan won't be enough to cover my last rent installment'#and using that very easy to make observation to figure out that i need to be saving the leftover money from my loan throughout the year#i instead went 'omg i have leftover loan this term!' and fucking spent it#im short £600. im going to owe my parents £600#and yes in the grand scheme it's not a huge amount of money like it could have been#but not only will i not be able to pay my parents back until july bc i CANT take out of my america savings#and i definitely cant start saving up £600 ON THE SIDE OF TRYING TO SAVE A GRAND FOR AMERICA#but on top of that being in debt to my mum is the worst thing in the entire world and now i have no choice but to be in debt for 3 months#before i can even start paying it back. like that's 3 entire months that she's going to use it as a stick to beat me with#like not only does she sometimes REFUSE to take money that i earn waitressing bc she insists on having the debt paid through actual labour#but she's also just a complete bitch about it and i know it's very spoilt to expect not only to be covered when i get into debt#but to also expect her to be nice about it but like. im not asking her to CODDLE me i get initially it makes sense for her to be angry#but she could at least acknowledge that i ALWAYS beat myself up over shit like this way more than anyone else will#like im so mad rn im trying not to cry just bc im so FRUSTRATED and the entire time she's fucking shouting in my face#about how she moved out at seventeen and had three jobs at uni and no one to support her etc etc#and just name-callling shit im already calling myself like it was an HONEST MISTAKE#she's acting like i purposely went behind her back and took £600 when i was very visibly horrified when i figured it out#and i immediately came clean to her regardless of how scared i was to admit it. im just so mad like i know i sound spoilt#and like im huffing and puffing over something that could have been SO MUCH WORSE if i didnt have my parents to cover me#but like. i can pay her back within 2 WEEKS of waitressing. ive never handled my rent before. i didn't do it on purpose#and im more annoyed with myself than she can ever be and she KNOWS that about me. so like. please dont shout at me lol#it's just i was SO proud of myself for saving for america and how hard ive worked and i should have known i was gonna fuck it up somehow#& now the £1500+ i'll total have saved for america that i worked so hard for is gonna be tainted bc i owe £600 all bc of my own stupidity#hella goes home
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i hate that i've been complaining about everything in my life lately but if you're a frequent reader of my personal posts (side note, if you are: why. also i'm sorry) but if you remember earlier this week on tuesday i slipped outside and hurt my knee. i didn't end up seeing a doctor about that bc they literally had no openings when i talked to the secretary she was like i am so sorry sweetie. we can't take you for the rest of the week and i was like oh. and after a couple days it didn't hurt sooooo much although i think the limp ive been walking w has not been doing me any favors. but now today especially (? for some reason) BOTH of my legs were really hurting. i'm wondering if that might somehow be related to me getting my period today bc sometimes. you know how period pain can just end up wherever it wants. but then around 8 o'clock today i stubbed the SHIT out of one of my toes and i think i might have injured it (? i dont think it's broken but i cant stand on it and it's been hours). this is my left foot and the knee i hurt on tuesday was on my right leg. i am literally limping on both sides of my body now and i cant stand or walk.
#shout out to me being irritable with my family. sowwyyyyyy#EVERYTHING HURTS WHEN I TRY TO MOVE FROM PLACE TO PLACE#i dont know if i can handle seeing people tomorrow and it's Literally Christmas#i told kaily i wanted her to carry me to my bed earlier like im a little kid who fell asleep in the car and she said no :(#sisters are USELESS#tales from diana#menstruation cw#injury cw#maybe i shouldve gone to urgent care or the er about my knee earlier this week#i was starting to think i didnt seriously injure it but now im having doubts? or maybe i walked on it too much yesterday#i really was doing WAY too much walking yesterday but i kinda couldnt help it#my adhd body Wants To Move all the time even when i know i should be taking it easy#thats always been a problem w me whenever ive needed to limit my exertion. i just want to wander and fidget#i have a hard time staying still it makes me feel insanely unhappy#theres no better way to describe it#but i cant. move. now. sooooo#i dont know if i mightve broken my toe or not but its kinda swollen#how common is it to break a toe really? theyve got. theyve got a lot of little tiny bones#i dont know id think its more common to break a toe if you crushed it under something#i stubbed it. REALLY hard. like harder than even a normal really bad toe-stubbing.#i dont know. i dont know. i dont know.#can i have a wheelchair for christmas just for like a week at least#and get someone to carry me up and down the stairs?
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I WANNA get back into painting so heres a little gouache picture
#art#traditional art#gouache#specifically acrylic gouache but i find acrylic gouache much closer to gouache than acrylics#like its basically just gouache thats slightly harder to reactivate. not even impossible just slightly harder LOL#oc art#ocs#oc group: tbai#oc: maddy#had to take a pic with my phone because my scanner cant deal with the neon red paint i used for the underpainting LOL#besides my scanners like dying rn this honestly is probably a better quality pic than any scanned image rip#but i still really like scanning images 😔 i'll deal with my busted scanner someday#anyway painting is very fun but recently i learned oil painting and after doing that it is kinda hard to go back to water based stuff#i miss how smooth and easy to paint and layer it was orz i should try doing it again some time#i need to sort out the clean up regimen for home first (i learned oil painting at school and was using the schools studio exclusively)#but oil painting is sooooo fun its unreal#but gouache is fun too#and acrylics are fun in their own ways#and you know i love my watercolours
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"Had the gods taken me in that moment, there would have been no heaven that could have equalled my joy. Then, as always happens, the tab came due."
x. "NPCs", Drew Hayes
"All plans eventually fell apart, it was in their nature. Reality never complied with expectations, and one who expected plans to be pulled off perfectly was often overtook when chaos exceeded order."
x. "Split The Party", Drew Hayes
"You can teach technique. You can build muscle. You can train reflexes. But that kind of stubbornness comes from the soul."
x. "Going Rogue", Drew Hayes
"Try not to dwell on it... not because it doesn't matter, but because you'll never find the answers you need inside your own head. Our minds memories cannot be trusted; spend too long in there trying to find a memory that doesn't exist and you'll end up creating it. Imagination is a powerful thing-- especially when combined with uncertainty and selfdoubt. I've seen others build their own hells around them, with the fears of what they might have done."
x. "Siege Tactics", Drew Hayes
"Luck wasn't necessarily against them; they'd come out of far too many dire scrapes to believe such a thing. But theirs was not a luck that often put their feet on an easy path. Theirs was more a fortune of narrow misses and critical strikes."
x. "Nobel Roots", Drew Hayes
#📚#Drew Hayes#NPCs#Split The Party#Going Rogue#Siege Tactics#Noble Roots#this was SUCH a fun series lol i absolutely loved it&i wasnt even sure if i would like it initially lmaoooo#def my fav series in a long time&im actually a little less biased than usual there; like the actual story&general crafting is a lot of fun#&well done at least in my opinion. i am generally extremely easy to make happy tho lmao so take it w a grain of salt.#either way i cant wait for the next book; i didnt even realize this was a series when i read the first book#then was extremely happy to find out that it was&by the time i got to the fifth book i was stoked the series wasnt over.#♡
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can't stress enough that you guys don't have to answer every single ask you get. in fact you can just delete them. especially if they are causing you psychic damage.
#x#re: last reblog and that one post that critiques the idea of not responding to anon hate#if someone is trying to bait you in your asks then delete it you are not obligated to answer every stranger's questions#especially if they're extremely fucking probing questions#and if u get hate its better to just let that shit go by deleting it#i cant think of a single person who has benefited in any way from responding to hate.#it doesnt make you look bad like that one post implies but it definitely exacerbates your own negative reaction to it#at random sometimes ill get a guy sending me a bunch of hate at once and guess what. nobody ever knows bc i delete it#and as a result i dont remember what the guy even said in the first place. out of sight out of mind#but back to the baiting shit - ppl bait me sometimes too and its so easy to just delete an ask taking ur comments in bad faith#very few ppl will continue to take ur shit in bad faith so if u just delete the annoying anons then it doesnt become a bigger issue
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LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
#i went out and was convinced it would drop as soon as i left the house and it didnt#idk why im fixating on this so bad its not even about the kisses#like i need to know why its so big what are they putting in there??? is any of it useful?? are they changing more dumb shit??? who knows!!!#im not like genuinely upset just dramatic and impatient#people on twitter are acting.... in ways.... like woah.. take it easy man.. i say while acting deranged#cant be normal about anything#.txt
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stressed and having absolutely zero drive within me to complete anything god how is this year already off to such a great start
#hahaha how am i supposed to have 17-25 pages of a technical report i havent even started done by next week#fucking beats me !!!#not to mention completing another team assignment + another cs assignment + work#im either selling my soul or sleeping a total of 5 hours this week#my motivation has plummeted to a depth so deep i haven't felt this bad in ages#even worse i have nothing to cling on like i normally do#and by that i mean even music... like how bad is it when music cant even do anything for me anymore#i need.. i need something to look forward to until april#im turning 20 this month and i cant even be excited because im stressed out of my MIND#me on a coop term thinking: oh wow this term will be so easy im only taking 1 course there's no way it'll be as stressful as a regular term#i was so so utterly wrong oh my god#personal
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Read the conju novella on break and now diagnosed as gods saddest wet little creature. If I thought that it would alleviate my pining bc it's about found family and friendship and all those good things, now I'm just DOUBLY pining 🤡 he needs to be needed and I'm. I'm. IM.
#WAAAAAAAAA#wailing and wailing forever#the duality of fran#i should be in a shoujo webnovel romance power of friendship story#instead i am experiencing the agonies in a despairing book written by someone whos probably an alcoholic or deeply deeply unwell#u know the kind of fucked up Literature i mean!!!??? its good but i dont want to LIVE the existenital agonies. AND YET#bro why tf am i a kafka character and not a shoujo protag. i am so so so so tired and if no one holds my hand in the next year i am going#going to fuckin die of loneliness :)))))))))))#WHERE IS THE MUTUAL DEVOTION. WHERE IS THE LOVE AND EASY AFFECTION. WHERE IS THE FRIENDSHIP#yall i need to move out ik.#love (romantic or platonic) doesnt just fall into ur lap this is not a fairytale#and i NEED irl contact. unfortunately. i need to be loved in ways the internet cannot provide#no matter how much my beloved friends try to#and so. i need to move but i am so anxious and lonely and POOR and its just. fuck#why CANT it be a wondertale and something good happen to me for once#why CANT i be swept off my feet in a life defining friendship/partnership/romance#i NEED to be weirdly mutually devoted w someone. married forever and ever. like we can take or leave sex idgaf i need to be LOVED AND LOVED
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#had theeeee worst battle of my whole bg3 life yesterday when i went to rescue halsin#hadn't saved for a billion years#had no short rests left#didnt think that maybe i should go and long rest before entering the worg pens bc i maaaybbee had none of my good spells or healing spells#instead i ran in and got stuck in a battle where my guys kept eternally dying over and over#rinsed most of my potions and revifys trying to Stay alive#halsin was the Only reason i got through the fight at all#and then after the fight i had two dead party members no healing spells to get my guys enough hp to get out of turn based#and go to camp#astarion was stuck on like 4 hp woth necrotic damage and kep Dying as soon as a switched off turn based#shadowheart kept stepping in fire surface and caustic brine that i had no way to get rid of#had to rinse More revify scrolls toget to a point i could get to camp#left gale behind so i could do his silly revival quest and hes the only reason I didn't go insane bc hes adorable#i am Only on balanced mode i cant believe how bad i am at this game#i am Dreading the fight in the house of grief and vs orin i had soooooo much trpuble with them in explorer#and im using different builds so idek if i can use the tech i ended up using to beat those fights#i was going to take shadowheart down a mixed cleric druid build#but now im like no........maybe i need a dedicated healer actually......#luckily i was then fully healed to take on dror ragzlin#and it was mostly an easy fight#but lmao
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its too easy to become a conservative bc all it takes is to shut off your brain, which is why you shouldn't become one
#its too easy to turn it off and look away from all the worlds problems and act like anyones problems is their own fault#its too easy to reduce the worlds problems into 'people who actually try to make money and people who dont try enough'#its too easy to reduce everything into simple phrases rather than actually using critical thinking and nuance to understand better#and the fact its so easy is what makes it so alluring to people. they dont want to put up with the burden of actually having to LEARN#anything. no. that requires emotional energy. which is something you CAN run out of. but to me its something worth running out of#sure you shouldn't just. take on all the worlds problems on your shoulders- thats a one way ticket to burn out.#but i feel like if i havent been emotionally burdened in a long time- it means im not paying attention.#dont be that guy. life is not better when you have 0 problems. you cant push down your guilt of not helping others forever.#the only way life is better when you have no problems is that you have more time to help others with their problems.#mood
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okay nishiki fans may infantilize him but at least they’re not like daigo fans…99% of them are DERANGED and i feel at times they care more about the ships than daigo himself…
speaking of ships if i see one more minedai piss fic i might actually mail someone a pipe bomb. i’m joking, of course. i would never do that nor would i ever send death threats on the internet haha..
i cant even knock you for the idea of people overlooking daigo as an individual and instead sees him as a piece to pair off with
#snap chats#like theres degrees here#nishiki fans are deranged in how they baby him and excuse him murdering shinji and reina#or just outright act like it didnt happen#but thats just class A woobification and nishiki fans credits i have spoken with ones that really know their shit#inversely i love my homies who like daigo but i also cant really agree with them and their takes with him sometimes#and maybe im a prude but the oversexualization with him really makes me be like. Hm. yk#again i cold just be a lame prude but idk.. just hits me the wrong way#like obviously ive drawn saucy art and wrote saucy fics with daigo im not sayin that bad at all#idk... maybe im a hypocrite 🥴it just feels especially extra sometimes yk#i feel like people think daigo is a character that doesnt warrant a lot of thought to understand#but like even if he is i feel like sometimes people still miss him and what hes about#lke mine's easy to understand isnt he? but people still miss the mark on him#idk idk. but youre right about the piss and other extremely-niche kinks that shit'll forever weird me out LMAO
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It is truly so frustrating when the plot hinges on a character trusting the word of someone they have no reason to believe and doing zero fact checking
#like i get that you the writer know that this is true#and you just want all the characters on the same page so you can move on#but there are better ways to do it#why should i believe thats actually palpatine and not some opportunist trying to take advantage of the power vacuum with a lookalike?#at minimum trust yet verify#'i know hes a liar but IF hes telling the truth were in big trouble so we should at least hear him out'#'that sounds fake af but i checked with our spy network and they all confirmed'#even 'im like 87% sure hes lying but i cant see what he stands to gain so ill play along for now- Omg evidence that hes telling the truth'#'i dont believe this but my bosses/the general public does so i have to go with it'#its the lack of fact checking when it would be so so easy to fact check that gets me
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i keep having embarrassingly deeper-than-they-should feelings about caboose that im not sure what to do about, with how i feel like i relate in a pretty genuine and sweet way to him in an autistic level and i do feel like reading him that way makes real sense but im just incapable of feeling very good about it when its very very clear caboose's neurodivergent esque behavior is applied exclusively to make the butt of the joke off how stupid he is. i care about him a lot as a character but i mostly just wanna rip him off r-slur-loving rooster teeth's hands and handle him with a minimum level of respect
#i dunno i feel about bad about it like if i even acknowledge my reading of him it comes off badly when once again hes the dumb one#going off topic onto a tangent i think i just yearn for a fictional representation of autism that isnt just easy and palatable#like there are lots and lots of autistic and autistic coded and autistic read/head cannoned characters out there#but it feels like its always just. nice character whos very nerdy about a subject or is kinda weird or awkward at times#its always just this ''high functional'' kind of autism where the proof theyre autistic are a few traits here and there#there just arent characters who stutter and mumble and get lost with words and sound weird and have weird voices#and say genuinely weird things in genuinely inappropriate times. who genuinely come off as weird or dumb or childish#who struggle with simple things or dont get concepts or instructions or things said at them#autism that isnt quirky or always fun or always endearing or easy to deal with or easy to dismiss#i cant think of a single character in media who i relate with in an autistic level in how my autism actually feels beyond the superficial#and i think thats why i get a genuine comfort in caboose of all things#in how unapologetically and undeniably weird and kinda dumb and kinda childish he comes off#and it isnt always nice and it annoys and troubles the people around him and of course himself beyond a way he can control#i get touched by the moments here and there when people actually treat him well#when tucker takes some time to gently explain to him that church isnt coming back.#and when hes given a sincerely emotional moment to say goodbye to church and well as that one episode of season 14#or generally when characters are nice to him or talk in ways he can understand better#i dunno i just really do like him#which i guess just backfires when it feels specially hurtful when hes called dumb and stupid and is hated and threatened#and condescend upon and treated as useless and incompetent and just a burden the others need to take care of#mannnnn i hate rooster teeth#🧃
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