#i am Only on balanced mode i cant believe how bad i am at this game

[ruairy]

.

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issue 9

back at it again, and its time for the shadowplay arc, HELL yeah

oh I'm so excited i love this arc lets DO this

oooh its nightbeat and quark!! way before they become relevant, which is so cool

‘one of those recepticon fanatics’ lmao imagine if they were...the recepticons. just doesn't have the same ring to it 

god i fucking love all the politics of mtmte. i love how they’re talking about the senate here before we really get to See how bad they were (we heard a bit about it from whirl a few issues ago, and now here)

love how nightbeat is pretty much agreeing with the decepticon ideology here, even if its clear that he isn't Actually a decepticon - it just drives home the fact that, in this story, The Decepticons Were Right About A Lot Of That Stuff (or at least, they had a reason other than ‘destruction’ for rebelling). 

AND THEN THERES RUNG!!!!!!! WITH HIS MODEL OF THE LOST LIGHT....god i fuckgin LOVE the continuity in this story bc the first time reading this ur like oh ok rung is old yea makes sense...but then later all the time travel stuff happens and then its like OHHHHH 

damn poor rung nightbeat can rlly tell he's lonely just by looking at him vbhjdkdfhbjsjkdf geez. also nightbeat that's ur mystery stick bf from the future js!!

quarks extreme POV on all of the stuff is so interesting, and makes so much sense bc of Course he would think that as a non-combatant scientist who, due to his functional value in current society, wouldn't really benefit much from a revolution - in fact, he’d probably lose a lot. and that’s the sort of thing where you’re like, ok well think about everyone else dude, have some perspective - but at the same time, quark did suffer a pretty terrible fate, so his fears weren't entirely unfounded...augh, its so fascinating...im sorry I'm not gonna shut up about space robot politics this Entire time

HOW did nobody notice that dead body before now

ratchet spray-painting the hands he stole from pharma to match his own paintjob is like...kinda gruesome if you think about it hvbhsjkdfbkjdf

i love rewind sooo much oh my god 

he rlly stashed rung’s comatose body in a wheelchair behind the bar hbkjdhfbshjkdf rewind 

rewind and chromedome’s tag-team explanation....ough hhhhh THEM 

wait a sec, rewind, you have medical records in your database? that is, at least according to regular medical laws, very illegal lmao. my favorite long-running theme in mtmte: the fact that hipaa and osha laws on cybertron are either basically nonexistent, or just universally disregarded 

what the actual fuck is up w/cybertronian time units. that shit is wack as hell 

ooh i love how chromedome looks different in the flashback - no shoulder tires! - that's a cool detail

how come prowl just said ‘minute,’ rewind was busting it up w/all the wack ass fantasy time units just a second ago. geez

also goddd i love the scenery of pre-war cybertron, its SUCH a cool setting like, visually and aesthetically and politically

like, i adore details like the sign in the bg that says ‘everyone’s shape serves a purpose.’ really adds to the ‘society on the precipice of civil war currently controlled by an increasingly-desperate faction who are doling out propaganda like crazy in an attempt to maintain their image and control over the populace’ vibe

good ole murder mystery setup. love it!

pre-war prowl is such an interesting character. actually prowl in general is such an interesting character...I kinda wrote him off during my first read of mtmte (and even a little during my second readthru) as just this dude who’s an asshole (espec bc my prev tf experience involved watching tfa as a kid, and this prowl is very different from tfa prowl lol)...but prowl is SUCH a multi-faceted and interesting character, even in the relatively little we see of him in mtmte 

plus it was interesting to learn later that prowl was one of the characters that jro wanted for mtmte and didn't get, and MAN i wish he got prowl bc I would've loved to see what jro would've done w/prowl on the lost light, that would've been amazing. like, just imagine the arc he would have...I have no idea what that arc would BE, but I know it would be awesome. plus I’d be really interested to see how prowl would factor in, relationships-wise, amongst the crew of the lost light. so much potential!

anyways. I'm in a very talky mood tonight it seems. its currently 4 am so that kinda explains it. ok, moving on!

chromedome and prowl bantering....in their own morbid forensic-cop way...

skids bvhjdbsfjasf. speaking what we’re all thinking: is prowl gonna keep showing up in mtmte despite not technically being part of the cast??

swerves drawing of prowl lmaoooo

AND THEN REWIND IN SOME OF MY FAVORITE MTMTE PANELS....fuckgin cracks me up every time god. rewind was rlly about to flip their entire ass table just to demonstrate that prowl is a serial table-flipper...and then he cant even make the table budge and he just stares at his hands like ‘how could you betray me like this’ hvbajkhhsfdhksdf PEAK hilarity

drift hvbshfdjbasdfj his forcibly cheery expression even tho he’s being harassed by rodimus, who is a big whiny toddler w/drift lmao 

rodimus is the type of guy who, upon drift not replying to one of his texts, would post a whole twitter thread being all like ‘these days u cant trust any1 to hav ur back...u think u kno someone and then they just ghost you...(1/14)’

again, rewind, HOW and WHY do you just Have medical reports, oh my god, somebody please call a hipaa agent I’m scared, 

ratchet interrupting the story to give a quick medical PSA....that's Such an on-brand thing for Me to do that I feel like jro is assigning me ratchet kin as I read this

also, hey, its sonic and boom, those two decepticons from delphi! nice little continuity there

AND HERES ORION PAX SUPER COP

can’t believe idw made my dad optimus prime into a cop. smh. shouldn't be that shocked tho, I feel like half the idw characters are cops

orion rlly hit them w/the omae wa mo shinderu arrest strat

orion: I cant believe you're beating this guy up. anyways, now I'm gonna beat YOU up,

when ratchet puts his hand over drifts mouth and then gets spray paint on drifts face bhjdfsvsdjhfgbjdskf

pre-war ratchet and drift ;_; ratchet’s little inspirational speech...the fact that he tells drift that he’s special...the fact that drift remembered all of this even after 4 million+ yrs...it gets me bro it GETS me

ALSO the layers in the fact that drift then goes on to become a well-known murderous decepticon...so this little scene of him and ratchet in the past gives a lot of context to ratchet’s general attitude towards drift - ratchet clearly feels at least somewhat responsible for all the blood on drift’s hands, since he saved drift’s life way back in the day

the whole relinquishment clinic thing is such cool worldbuilding, bc of course that's the kind of thing that would develop in a society of robot aliens who are only allowed to work within the rigid confines of their alt mode 

I love the whole matrix thing bc its kinda like being the pope or st but also you have a ton of political sway, so its a super important position, so of Course the corrupt senate would want full control over that power, and would assassinate the current prime to try to get their own guy in 

god vhbhjsdkbgshjdf rodimus is such a dick lmao poor drift

HHHHH I love that the cybertronian version of an autopsy is taking the dudes body apart into the smallest components and laying them all out. that's so fucking cool

hmmmm chromedome maybe you should Not be interested in mnemology, how about that,

oh god. time to start being sad about op and senator shockwave. oh god

senator shockwave more like senator sexy 

also the first time I read this I thought I had just missed his name and like halfway thru the story I went back and scoured the pages looking for it hbvhsjdfbshgfdsbj then I was like oh ok so we’re maybe supposed to just know who this guy is from another comic? but NOPE it was very deliberate and I only realized very close to the end that they were setting up some sort of reveal

its funny bc normally I'm not a huge fan of stories where politics play a huge role but I fuckgin love it here, the politics and worldbuilding is all so interesting and also balanced out with a healthy dose of cool sci-fi hijinks, so

lmao there's chromedome being obsessed w/people making the ‘pfft’ sound 

also wow yet more hindsight, maybe you Shouldn’t be so interested in the Institute, chromedome, 

OHHHH shit I forgot abt the red alert stuff happening at the same time as this :( :( :( 

AUGHHH what a fucked up situation. god 

oooof i gotta continue now!! what a solid issue, I love the shadowplay arc

[grotesquegabby]

I know I may have asked this before so you can skip it and I can try to find the OG answer, but how would your elders feel about mine? I believe you only did three of yours which is okay, just wanted to see if you were willing to do it for others

I found the og post huehue~ So I can answer for the rest of them. uwu I am totally willing~ some of these guys are assholes so I apologize ahead of time

Seraph: (golden bitch)

Risus - Eh suppose you are fine as long as you dont cause trouble for me.

Trituna - Would try and stay out of Tritunas way not because they are scared but because even Seraph understands the balance of things shouldnt be fucked with.

Conllium - this may come as a surprise but Seraph would actually like Conllium but wont admit it. They like Conlliums realm and how just....the way everything is. They wont admit this to anyone though x3

Cundolili - Would mostly be curious about Cundolili

Trema/Astute - would be neutral towards

Decla -  another they would be neutral towards

Nalia - Just wants to say they love Nalias outfit but wont say anything else x3

Sionis - booorrring.

Mecor - Another beautiful elder whom Seraph will be jealous of x3 but wont say anything about it.

Logium - wouldn’t really know too much about Logium so not too much of an opinion.

Zerneboh: (bastard mode activated)

Risus - a possible ally/friend/frenemy

Trituna - As one who destroys the balance of things they will hate each other.

Conllium - Wouldn’t like Conllium one bit.

Cundolili - Will be curious, as to who this is and why they will be replacing Conllium.

Trema/Astute - Would Tolerate more than Decla.

Decla - Would tolerate Decla but would not like them. Zerneboh loves absolute chaos and disaster~

Nalia - Wouldn’t like Nalia in the least but knowing Zerneboh he pretends to be friendly with almost anyone. Cause hes a bastard.

Sionis - would find them annoying.

Mecor - hmm~ Zerneboh might be a creep to her but there are those who wont let that happen so she will be fine. But what an interesting family~ he thinks to himself

Logium - No

Orfeo: (a little bitch)

Risus - would see a possible friend in Risus.

Trituna - Dont think He would like her. Balance....gonna fuck that shit up.

Conllium - Nope

Cundolili - uhhh

Trema/Astute - maaaybe?.....I...wait...no...

Decla - They deal with Risus they can handle Orfeo x3 so this is a Nope from him heheh

Nalia - Thinks they are beautiful will learn quickly not to be a creep to them

Sionis - ah fuck...

Mecor - beautiful~.... (dont even think about it Orfeo...)

Logium -well x3 I dont really need to say why these two wont get along lol

Pestilence:

Risus - What he feels about Risus is hard to say, Pestilence is a complicated guy.

Trituna - Pestilence is iffy again here. Hes not one to always deliberately piss someone off like Famine or accidentally like War. I imagine these two would be an on off kind of possible friendship or allyship wise.

Conllium - A chill tree, a lovely place to be. Definitely would see them as a friend indeed. His contribution to the decorations are masks to hang upon their branches~

Cundolili - Would be welcoming to Cundolili. Curious about them,  but would never do them harm. Just as welcoming to them as they are to Mecor. uwu

Trema/Astute - Wouldnt mind Trema, though Trema might mind him. Pestilence can be annoying to some.

Decla - I feel the relationship here would be rocky considering Pestilence is Pestilence and they spread all kinds of sickness and destruction. But he is a chill guy who wouldnt mind chilling out if asked nicely. hes weird that way x3

Nalia - honestly seems like a really fun person. Pestilence would enjoy their company a lot uwu

Sionis - Doesn’t mind Sionis, chill, does a good job at their role. Even Pestilence loves Justice, especially when it happens to those who deserve it.

Mecor - Elder to be/New Elder, Pestilence would welcome her with open arms. He enjoys meeting new people. Would think shes a swell lady, lovely family.

Logium - Time is Time and Time is a friend to some and an enemy to others. But Pestilence has no issue with the Lord of Time in fact finds them quite entertaining and such uwu

War:

Risus - is a torn between hating and wanting to help them in whatever they do. War is a complicated person and War does as War does.

Trituna - I think these two would have a tough time getting along.

Conllium -  I imagine she has tried to fight Conllium but failed to lift them cause she would try that. I imagine she would give up though and pass out next to them asleep x3

Cundolili - would want to know who this is as soon as possible. Could be a wrestle buddy you never know. x3

Trema/Astute - might find Trema kind of boring.

Decla - Wanna wrestle...at least? I think they would see Decla as a possible buddy. Something about Decla screams friend to War.

Nalia - I dont imagine these two would get along very well. War might not like how peppy Nalia is or seems. and Would try and void them.

Sionis - Wants to fight but in like a...friendly way. War isn’t so good at understanding friendship but she would Sionis as a possible ally and friend.

Mecor - Will ask if she wants to fight as a sort of welcome and to see how tough she is. You can turn her down its okay plus she will be told thats not how we welcome people into the council. Stop asking everyone to fight (its like that zodiac make up video where one of the zodiacs constantly is like wanna fight)

Logium - Gets the weirdest feeling they have to be super respectful. So shes gonna try.

Famine: ( the least liked of the horsemen)

Risus - eh...could get along actually. Famines is more leaning towards that side.

Trituna - Famine is the type fo fuck up balance. He and Trituna I dont believe would get along very well...

Conllium - He wouldn’t care for Conllium no reason specified why though

Cundolili - Wouldnt really have an opinion as of yet.

Trema/Astute - Wouldn’t have too much of an opinion but would tolerate Trema/perhaps even find some enjoyment in talking with them though Famines not much of a talker.

Decla - The things Famine does is in no way a sensible disaster...I imagine Decla would be trying to fix whatever damage Famine does. So they wouldnt get along either. Would find Decla annoying

Nalia - Would find Nalias outlook and attitude irritating. Too much positivity.

Sionis - For some reason I dont see these two getting along. I see Famine being kind of a dick to Sionis, it could be that Sionis is for justice/protection and such and Famine is...well Famine. So he would see Sionis as someone who would try and stop him from what hes doing.

Mecor - a newcomer who was fated to come. Hed share his piece about the Elders with Mecor and be on his way. Hes not very welcoming....so just ignore him the others will tell Mecor the same uwu

Logium - Mysterious being who Famine has honestly never seen. And hed be lying if he said he wasn’t a tad bit nervous to meet them. Something about this elder would send a slight shiver down his spine.

Hope:

Risus - Oh crumbling biscuits....not another one.

Trituna - You are the elder of Balance, she would consider it an honor to meet them. Hope loves many of the elders like Trituna. Would show them respect uwu

Conllium - definitely someone she would fall asleep next to them. She would also go and talk with them a lot. Conllium is such a wonderful elder. uwu

Cundolili - Would adore Cundolili (- uwu-) even if their presence means Conllium is no longer around which would sadden Hope. She would welcome Cundolili with open arms.

Trema/Astute - somewhat nervous around but would get used to them uwu Knows they are not a bad elder like Risus or Zerneboh

Decla - This is a being who works very hard and deals with a lot. They deal with Risus and who knows what else. Definitely deserves respect

Nalia - Would Love Nalia, absolutely love them. Would definitely want to spend time with Nalia the most.

Sionis - Sionis would make Hope a bit nervous but she knows they are just a serious person. She would trust them and find them quite reliable uwu look up to them even.

Mecor - Would love to meet her, cant wait to meet her. Shes heard nothing but good things!

Logium -A very wise and calm being, Who Hope would feel compltely safe around. uwu Definite trust from the start.

Space Grandpa:

Risus - Would absolutely dislike them

Trituna - is someone they would enjoy being around. Space Grandpa isnt always one for talk but Trituna is someone they would enjoy spending time with regardless if they talked or not.

Conllium - Is one who would visit Conllium, unfortunately would not be able to sit beside them and sleep. Too big. x3 but They would love to chat with them, spend time with them.

Cundolili - welcome with open.....tentacles? arms? claws? something x3 they will welcome them. Offer any assistance if they so wish for it.

Trema/Astute - would remind him of The Void,

Decla - would feel bad they have to deal with Risus so much. Would offer an ear to listen. Space Grandpas a good listener. Definitely would see Decla as a possible friend.

Nalia - Loves how Nalia is, loves their attitude and personality.

Sionis - Admire Sionis, Dependable, a good person. Sees them as an equal like other elders among them.

Mecor - Would be welcoming, more so than normal with others. Mecor is family after all.

Logium -equal footing. A good being and wise, mysterious

Void: (This is more of how void would describe them..as Void is neutral to everyone)

Risus - one who causes trouble

Trituna - Balance, you are very important to the multiverse.

Conllium - a peaceful being

Cundolili - a young one, welcome

Trema/Astute - perfect neutrality

Decla - hard worker

Nalia - peppy one, they were once that way. It is nice to see another

Sionis - a being who watches, reliable.

Mecor - fated to be.

Logium - Father time is a thing theyve heard humans say. But Time is Time

Hope this was good~ uwu sorry I know its a lot

[sl-c]

sim I cant stop eating, Ive gained 8 kilos in the last 5 months and I dont know what to do. Im so upset about it but cant stop stuffing my face, also I feel like I have stretched my stomach and now need to eat greater quantities to feel full. Ive been away for a while and going to see my friends tomorrow and I know theyre going to think ive exploded, I feel so uncomfortable :( I didnt think it was this bad but when I weighed myself I was so shocked at how much I had actually gained...

I am so sorry things haven’t been well these last few months, Please know so many people are & have struggled with what you’re going through (including me!), but managed to overcome it. It is natural for us, as humans, to look for different forms of relief when we are struggling & unfortunately food is a really easy one to hold onto. With that said though it can be just as easy to re-train the brain to resort to ‘healthier’ habits of stress-relief. 

Firstly, I know how uncomfortable you feel right now & food ends up becoming a bad cycle - you eat because you’re stressed, you then over-eat, feel bad about over-eating, so eat more. How to overcome it? One step at a time!! Forget the whole “shit I ate too much today, I need to exercise so much tomorrow or restrict tomorrow” - no. Simply start with one small ‘healthy’ habit you can do everyday that will help make you feel better & that you will do no matter how bad you feel - for me, this was things like a daily swim in the ocean or a walk in nature - it would clear my head immensely, help me feel better about yesterdays decision & most importantly, break that cycle, Also don’t restrict on food in general, just don’t. 

From there, start working on 2 things - being more aware of where you are at (aka symptoms or triggers, such as stress) & actively trying to use other methods of relief. The key to re-training your brain to use ‘healthier’ methods of relief is actively doing those activities when you’re in more control and aren’t too bad. The later you leave it, the less control you feel you have & the more likely you are to revert to old ‘bad’ habits. You could try rating your stress levels for example - once you get to a 5/10 you have to practice a ‘healthy’ relief activity - e.g. going for a walk, meditating, exercising etc. Try to avoid getting any higher as the risk of you reverting to old ways only increases. Also, go figure, but try to learn other things that make you feel good, help you deal with your feelings & keep you more present. 

That’s the general approach I believe works to overcome over-eating/reverting to food as a relief from other issues. However here are some more specific tips & tricks to help with things:

Get uncomfortable. Do you have a comfort eating ‘routine’ - aka do you eat/binge on certain/the same foods, eat in certain places (aka in a particular seat or spot in your home), doing certain things (aka watching TV) ? If so, stop doing them! It’s really common for the body to find relief in comfort & sometimes it’s not just the food but the whole routine that is keeping you stuck - breaking that routine & getting uncomfortable can help break the brains association of food with comfort. 

Don’t focus too much on food, instead focus on how you feel. When trying to overcome food issues we often go into this obsessive mode of suddenly trying to plan every meal to be those instagram-worthy smoothie bowl, salad, green things, when in fact the less focus on food the better! Trying to be super controlled with food when you’re struggling with being uncontrolled with food just never works; restriction only makes you want to be unrestricted. Focus on eating intuitively, being social, being balanced & doing the best you can; don’t over-think it. 

Don’t isolate yourself! I know it can be really hard to socialise when you feel self-conscious but it’s during those times that it’s most important to keep up socialising! The more you isolate yourself, the more you revert to emotional eating, whereas socialising helps things get back to normal & move the focus away from food, body & stress. If you’re really struggling with being self-conscious do a. little shop & find non-restrictive clothes that you feel comfortable but spicy in :)

See a therapist! I can’t express how helpful talking to a professional is about this kind of thing. They can help monitor your progress, give you more ideas for how to overcome things & most importantly get to know you personally so they can personalise methods that will work for you the best. 

Spend more time in nature!! I know it sounds a little cliche but I truly believe nature is incredibly healing & really helps you feel more grounded, thus stronger, in life. I incorporate coastal walks and ocean swims almost daily in my routine & it is absolutely key to clearing my head & helping me stay on track with my goals & not reverting back to old ways. 

I know this was really long but honestly I’ve been there & if I’d just focused on trying to re-train my brain instead of trying to look for the solution in food, I’d probably have overcome my issues a lot sooner so I hope this helped!! Sending so much love & hugs xxxx

[itswomanswork]

Why You MUST Master Your Health And Energy

I want you to master your health and energy because I know that anything that you want to create in life will require that you do so.

You need to attack everything in life with energy, whether that’s building a business, crushing your goals, or creating a great relationship. There is no such thing as perfect health. We all falter from time to time. However, we can create healthy habits that ensure that we function at an optimal level of wellness every single day.

I believe that mastery is the highest form of intelligence. It is what sets successful people apart from everyone else. When you commit to it, anything is possible. Where people get stuck, is that they fail to realize that mastery is a process. If you force it, you will only be left feeling like a failure.

The biggest challenge to mastering our health and energy is our minds. If we perceive ourselves as powerless to change, then we won’t. Be kind to yourself. Someone once said, “You’re not going to master the rest of your life in one day. Just relax. Master the day. Then just keep doing that every day.”

Are you ready to learn 3 reasons why you MUST master your health and energy?

Watch the video below:

(Click here to watch on YouTube)

(Podcast Coming Soon)

Do you want to learn 21 morning rituals that will take your life to the next level? CLICK HERE for instant access to my free cheat sheet!  

This page contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of them, I will receive a commission (at no additional cost to you). I only ever endorse products that I have personally used and benefitted from personally. Thank you for your support!

A lot of people don’t understand why you MUST master your health and energy.

There is a stigma that exists that being healthy has to be hard. This is far from true! The challenge that a lot of people face is learning how to break bad habits. Science shows us that our taste buds have been genetically engineered to crave high-calorie, high-fat foods. This isn’t an excuse, but it doesn’t provide some validation as to why our bodies crave bad stuff.

Sit back and ask yourself, “Am I living a healthy life?” If your answer is no, then it’s time to do something different. Until we are willing to accept our reality, it can be hard to change it. Our health is so important. However, a lot of people tend to not think about it until something really bad happens. This reactive mode of behavior doesn’t serve anybody.

If you only live for short-term gratification but don’t think about the long-term effects of how you are treating your body, it will catch up with you. Chuck Pagano said it best – “If you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything.”

Here are 3 reasons why you MUST master your health and energy.

1. To Avoid Disease And Illness 

Unfortunately, a lot of people live a lifestyle that will eventually lead to a disease or illness. A U.S. National Health and Nutrition Survey found that 97.3 percent of American adults get a failing grade on healthy lifestyle habits. This research shows that preventing deaths through promoting healthy eating habits is of utmost importance in today’s world.

This is why my health is my top priority. I’m all about engaging in preventative measures because getting sick is not an option. If I cant work for 5 days, I end up losing a lot of money. It’s as simple as that. Whenever I engage in healthy habits I’m always thinking about my mission, vision, and values for my business and my life.

When it comes to putting food into your body, always choose a healthy option. This means getting a well-balanced diet and cutting out anything that is toxic to your body. You are the only person that controls what goes into your body, so choose wisely. In the words of Bob Wright, the Founder of American Anti-Cancer Institute,  “No doctor has ever healed anyone of anything in the history of the world. The human immune system heals and that’s the only thing that heals.”

2. To Achieve Your Goals

If you want to achieve your goals in life, then you have to program yourself to be an energy-generating machine. The most successful people in the world all have one thing in common – an insane amount of energy. It’s fair to say that energy is everything. It starts and ends with you.

The reason why a lot of people do not achieve their goals is that they lack the drive to make them happen. More often than not, lack of drive comes from lack of energy. Have you ever tried showing up for anything or anyone when you don’t’ have energy?

When we don’t take care of our health, every day can feel like a grind, which can negatively affect our mental and emotional state. In this place, overcoming a setback of any kind can be challenging.

I know that the vision that I have for my life is not going to happen if I don’t have an optimal level of energy. In their book, What’s Best Next: How the Gospel Transforms the Way You Get Things Done, authors Matthew and John Piper say that “Being able to do the things that energize you is not the luxury you get to have once you’ve been successful. Rather, it’s the way to become successful. For you will work harder, longer, and with more diligence at things you love to do over things you dislike to do.” Are you energized to crush your goals?

3. To Thrive Through Life, Not Just Survive 

Do you want to survive life? Or thrive through life? We aren’t meant to merely exist. Life is meant to be lived, fully and wholeheartedly. If you don’t feel like you are functioning at your optimal level of health, there is no better time than today to make a change. 

You know that you are ready to thrive when you have the desire to let go of some unhealthy habit that is longer serving your highest self. Just reading this blog post shows that you want to change something about your life!

Take small steps every day to start your journey towards thriving, and remember to treat yourself with the kindness and self-compassion along the way. You don’t have to trudge your way through life. You can experience an optimal level of health and energy, to the point at which you feel unstoppable and high on life. Nothing tastes as good as healthy and fit feels.

In the words of Maya Angelou – “My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.”

Are you ready to master your health and energy?

It’s not enough to want it. None of the above strategies will work if you don’t start applying them every single day. If you want to learn how to master your health and take your energy to the next level, I encourage you to check out my Life Mastery Accelerator program. Inside that program, I have a valuable health and energy training video that I’m sure you will benefit from.

You get what you want in life by committing to raising your standards. What bad habit can you drop today that will allow you to feel happier, healthier and more energized? 

Do you want to learn 21 morning rituals that will take your life to the next level? CLICK HERE for instant access to my free cheat sheet!  

The post Why You MUST Master Your Health And Energy appeared first on Project Life Mastery.

from WordPress https://ift.tt/2smAXfo via IFTTT

[massistocchifontana]

When you lose motivation for life… the ending and stepping back... Order in the midst of chaos 

 When you lose motivation for life… the ending and stepping back : Order in the midst of chaos 

 We are born to a world where we experience good and bad. However, our social world is structured by being constantly stimulated by the negative song of the news and negative influence of people around us. It is essential to realise that life is a matter of perception where we can look at any marvel that life offers us to instill us with hope and determination to grow as human beings. This growth in essence is to move us to a plain of becoming free thinkers and following our own life philosophy so that our life truly is OUR life and not just a blueprint of someone else’s impositions. 

 Making the transition and not engaging with negative stimulus daily is a horrendously difficult task in itself. As a test, delete your social media for a month and observe the manner in which you relate to the world around you. It wont be easy this can be assured. The key here is that we engage too deeply with this stimulus and instead of having some perspective on life where we can stand back and observe in a unaffected manner with a clear and rational mind, we are caught being too close to the experience and engulfed in a manner that prevents us from having any foresight or ability to reflect. We become sheep. We become voyeurs and are more interested in others and their successes than taking the time we have and investing it into our own growth. 

 By investing our energies into this manner of relating to the world, we soon become slaves to our lives and its many masters (the people we observe) rather than taking ownership of our lives and making informed decisions to change today.  The mere act of reflecting on oneself has been lost, and it would be easier to follow the advice of someone else than making your own informed decision and see where your path takes you. 

 I often wonder how the real adventurer’s and explorers of the world managed to hold it together and not be impacted by their emotions to such a degree that they become incapacitated to push forward. Imagine Marco Polo on his quest for new lands waking up one morning and saying it’s raining and the weather is making me depressed. The likelihood of him living an extensive life as an explorer would in reality be short lived with that attitude. A reality of life is that no matter where you are in the world, no matter what circumstance you find yourself in there will always be a rain storm which will happen. The dilemma is whether you allow the rainstorm to remain outside of your head or whether you allow it to enter your head. The key is not allowing it to enter your head. 

 I believe that we have all at some point allowed this to happen and what follows is disastrous. I am always intrigued by those individuals who are able to process their emotions quickly so that they can get themselves back to a rational mindset which is functional and keeping them on the path of achieving their life purpose and creating the experiences they want to encounter. The question you need to ask yourself is what are the preventative measures that you need to implement or introduce into your life to stop you from allowing the rain to enter your head. How do you waterproof yourself in a metaphorical way of speaking?

 When we are too close and enmeshed in our experience, we encounter the saying “I cant see the wood between the trees”. We have no perspective. We have no objective view of the world or our situation which leads to stuckness and with continued reinforcement eventually depression.  Depression is the continual choice of focusing on past experiences we have had no power to change and we ruminate until we slow ourselves down to such a degree that our body actually ceases to function at a normal rate. 

 This is not normal functioning. The worst aspect of this is that we stay focused on the depression and lack of movement for such extended periods of time that we completely stagnate. Then to make matters worse we allow ourselves to believe that this is how it is and we lose sight of how we once were. 

 A key solution is KEEP MOVING! Keep reading, keep exploring, keep asking the necessary questions, keep getting out of bed and facing the day, keep looking for all the nuances in life that instill gratitude, keep being appreciative, keep reinforcing that you have a choice, keep introducing stories that keep you inspired, keep deleting any negative or aspects that do not bring value or function to your life, keep realizing the value you bring to world, if there is no value find it in every action you create, JUST DO IT, stop asking why and ask what would happen if I did, ask should I do it and what will change if I do, realize that there is nothing you cant do, its you wont because you're making a choice. 

 We are so lucky to be in a world saturated with information. If you want to learn it, it is there for the taking. The desire has to come from you to want to change something in yourself otherwise I guarantee you that depression will find its way into you. The reason is that depression is the polar opposite to happiness. They both exist in you and there is no running away from it. It’s a process of management and its only until you figure out your own life philosophy that’s when things will change. You will be directed to invest in yourself in any way shape and form to get the best out of yourself. 

 There is a natural flow to your thoughts. They are not as chaotic as you may think and it is only until you take the time to sit with your thoughts that some order to them will be established. The second we fight ourselves and our thoughts there is an inevitable chaos. The mind does not work in this way naturally. Imagine yourself on a deserted island after being the only survivor in a plane crash. Although you will be immediately panicked as to the magnitude of what happened to you, soon hunger will set in, and then thirst, and then the inevitable moment when you will move into survival mode. Once you have activated survival mode, your main thoughts will be focused on shelter, food, water and making yourself get through every moment as best you can. Gratitude sets in almost immediately when you’ve learnt how to make fire, a tool for cooking raw food… where even more gratitude sets in when you can actually cook something raw and feel warmth. 

 Can you see how simple this process is and how basically beautiful our mind is to simply get by in the most balanced fashion?

 Organizing thoughts is about going back to basics and not complicating things. The irony is that the solution to most of our thinking problems is usually the simplest of answers but we are almost always tied into the problem because of the emotions binding us to the experience. This is reinforced by a lack of flow and when we begin to question our judgment, gut, our perception and ourselves then we second-guess the real mechanism of knowing what is best for us. 

 What reinforces these thinking mechanisms and sabotages we create is through reinforcing them with our behaviours. By acting on thoughts we create experience, and it this experience that we create that erases past experiences both good and bad. This process is called “Experiential Deletion”, a term coined by Massimo Stocchi, explaining that any past experience will be deleted if the new experience has a larger than or equal emotional reaction. The emotional reaction or impact is what we remember and this is what either deters us from facing the situation and moving on or disables us from acting. When it is suggested that the emotional content needs processing, this is what actually needs to be processed, dissolved, eradicated. The simplest (not the easiest) route to follow is by creating new experiences constantly to press the Experiential Deletion into overdrive and instill new affective emotional content, which erases past thinking traps. This works! Test it out and it is guaranteed to work. 

 Your essence is what defines you. It is what needs to be nurtured and pressed to grow continuously. Without engagement with it, there will be constant boughts of stagnation and limited growth. I would openly suggest that you sit with this question “what does my true essence look like?”, and then decide what needs to be adjusted in your life. Sometimes the most drastic decisions are the ones that are the most beneficial, because they are simplistic yet the most emotionally challenging. Once you overcome the fear of making the choice, and then acting on this choice you have allowed yourself the opportunity to create yourself anew. 

Points to consider:

Depression

Reflecting on oneself 

Standing back and getting perspective 

Ordering your thoughts 

Ordering your behaviour 

What motivates you 

Going back to basics 

The essence of what you are 

The love of your family 

Allowing yourself to be open to the change and ending 

Via Con Dios

[plarabie]

Prepping for a show

    The   following link will bring you too my youtube stream that i did on this matter. Please feel free to watch it and like and subscribe  Prepping for a show . Getting ready for a bodybuilding show can be a wonderful or a horendous event depending on how you approach it. I speak of natural bodybuilding although much of the same principles apply except of course the drug protocol which i do not discuss on my platform. 

    How far out  

When a preparation starts depends on several factors. The most important things is how far out of shape or from contest condition you are at that point. I never recommend being more than 20lbs above or less 15 is ideal as it gives you enough bodyfat to keep your body functioning properly and does not take away from your strength levels to any great degree. The trend in many circles is to bulk and then cut. I dont know who started this trend but i know its been promoted largely in PEDS athletic circles. The reason being that in order to gain the most benefit from the drug intake, they consume literally enormous volumes of food. So not only is the drug use itself hard on your body but almost as much if not more the amount of food is borderline toxic. 

  First Things First

  So the first step is to determine where you are at on an average basis both calorically and from a stand point of your macros. If you dont know where you are at you cant determine a plan for a proper caloric target and/or macro target, remove all the little extras and any amount of junk that may or may not be a part of your regular eating regiem. Then once that is established you can remove a few hundred calories not more at the beginning , remember we already removed junk so before we get too radical we want to lose just the right amount of fat at a rate that conserves as much lean muscle mass as possible. Too fast and you will loose muscle ...too slow and you will not peak on time. Contrary to popular belief you can gain lean muscle mass on a caloric deficit but its not the optimal way to do it.

  Next up

  You should set a target to be ready for about two weeks prior to your show, at that point you should be within striking distance . By doing this you don't get into panic mode and you can play around a little to see what works best for the final touches. If you go right down to the wire as many do there is a good chance you will mess up something last moment and all your hard work will be for nothing. If you require 16 weeks in my opinion you are too far above your contest weight, your contest weight is not predermined its what you look best at. If you try to squeeze into a lower class if the show has weight classes than you run the risk of being too flat . So it is best to take a balanced approach with not too much change last minute.

  Summary

  The last week is where you dial in and for that i recommend moderation if you are already in shape you do not need to try to eek out that last little bit, many have tried and many falter at this poiont . So assume you did everything right . Do a moderate carb depletion starting on about monday night , start carbing up on thursday morning with plenty of water and you mnay try a creatine load at the same time as it will help the muscle fill out. Continue on that path till later friday then curtail your water look at yourself in the Am if you are a little flat consume some small amounts of salty foods still only sipp your water then keep checking yourself as your stage time approaches . Last but not least .....DO NOT ...yes i said DO NOT pump up tremendously , so many make that mistake if you are ripped believe me you wont need to strain like you see so many do . if your class remains on stage a long time you will feel your pump going down and down and that is not a good thing .If you barely pumped up you will get bigger and fuller . Dont strain becasue I'll tell you after 43 years at this game you dont see any difference from the audience if someone just hits the pose nice with some tense or looks like they are about to crap themselves, that person looks terrible and has bad stage presence. 

  I hope this helps you out. My name is Perry Larabie. I have been a trainer and competetor for over 4 decades . I have multiple bodybuilding titles and a degree in lab medicine . I spent my career as a natural athlete so i know what it takes. Feel free to contact me at Bull fierce training.  I offer many services including contest preparation and training and dieting as well as food preperation . Please look me up on you tube as i do a live stream show every mon/Wed /Fri at 6:00 pm mountain time and id love for you to click here subscribe

[bigbrothermonopoly]

EPISODE 2:

HOH: KRISTINE

EVICTED: NICKY (WALKED)

JESS:

Kristine being in power scares me shitless. I know I haven't exactly been the MOST social person in this game and I've been very UTR the last couple of days/ non existent but I always felt like I was good with Kristine. I don't know? I thought we talked a good bit at least in comparison to others.... but then after she won I called her the HBIC and homegirl told me she loved my ass kissing. That HOHITIS is real with this one ladies. I offered up my services as a potential person to work with moving forward and she ignored my offer. She literally swerved me. Straight up IGNORED me and focused on what I said about not being social. So there is a good chance I'm going up and if I don't go up it isn't because Kristine doesn't want it.. it'll probably be because others don't want it. At least I hope? I'm trying NOT to go into crisis mode on the second HOH but... old habits die hard? I think that's the quote? I think if I had to write a "trust list" for this game.. honestly.. I'm feeling really good about Kori. I THINK we could go far together and we'd balance out each other well. Obviously he's a good player and I'm going to need that on my side moving forward. Eve is obviously my #1 right now but it'd be naive on me not to believe that others aren't saying the same about her. I really like Andrew but we don't talk game? But I guess I can improve on that? Those are the 3 people I'm vibing with right now. 

KORI:

Ok so at this point I'm not entirely sure if I made a DR entry earlier or not, I planned on making a video but at this point it'd just get too long. Rehder going unanimously is STILL a meme to me but here we are. Kristine winning HoH was honestly alright for me because I feel like she and I have a reasonably good relationship. Though I'm not sure it could ever be something long term because she's likely working with people I have no desire to work with. (Dem, Chris, Brien, those guys.) Emma and I had a serious talk about long term what we wanna do about Eve since we seem pretty in agreement that the current dynamic is Jess and Mackenzie are Eve's Top 2 Bitches, and we're like probably the Bottom 2 Bitches. Personally I think the best time for Eve to go is like F7ish but obviously we need more time for things to progress to see where we sit. I think longterm the Mandela Monocles are a better alliance for me since I think I could sit next to Austin OR Silence and win. I just can't sit next to Gwen who I really think just has a better personality than me. With Kristine nominating Madison it... isn't really ideal for me, but Madison is also pretty isolated at this point. While we have that Mitten Connection, if she is lacking any connection with others in this game I can't go dragging my feet for her... That being said, I think eliminating Nicky this round, would not be like... the WORST thing ever. It'd just be a question of convincing Gwen that it's a good idea. Though the harder thing would be convincing others that keeping Madison is a good idea. While I like her, I'm not sure it's in my best interest to leave tracks trying to keep her in the game. Obviously it's gonna depend on how Veto goes, if noms stay the same I might push a little for a Nicky boot and see what happens, but if it's not gonna happen I'll just cut my losses. (Though with Nicky doing his thing he seems likely to dig his own grave.)

AUSTIN:

I am feeling very comfortable this week. I’m in the power trap alliance with Chris, Kristine, Dem, and Emma. I’m also in the Mandela Monocles alliance with Gwen, Silence, and Kori. Kristine is currently HoH so I don’t think she will put me on the block. I have suspicions that Emma is working with Eve because when we were playing the HoH competition, Emma refused to take Eve out. I’m just glad that one of my alliances is in power.

KRISTINE:

Love the alliance. So happy I won HOH and got to be in power. The veto comp didn’t go as well as planned tbh. I’m sooo upset that I didn’t do as well as I wanted I was up at 200 something and then lost it all over a very stupid roll. But it’s fine whether I win this or not I know I’ll get my way. Nicky is going home, let’s just hope he doesn’t win HOH. Don’t ever argue with the HOH when you’re the one on the block LOL!!!

NICKY:

CAN I LIVE? Can i fucking live? there are 16 other people in this and yet i got nommed for a stupid reason yet again. 

WILLIAM:

I'm so glad I escaped this week without being nominated!!! I feel so much better this week than last week! At the end of last week I thought for sure I was gonna leave pre-jury but now I feel like I've made so many real connections and I feel like I am in a great spot with many people

ANDREW:

episode 2 This could be super naive of me to say and a little cocky and i know it 100% IS but i feel like almost everyone in this game loves me besides nicky, i think im just playing a really good social game im scared of eve for some reason i feel like she is the only person possibly playing a better game than me. just get those competitive af vibes from her, i will not go after her unless she comes for me doe. shes super cute tho love her vibes, and I think me and Jess formed and alliance just now As of now Austin Jess and Chris are my top 3 in that order Update: I love Eve, we had an emotional heart to heart about STUFF, ill never forget it and i appreciate her for it so much, even if we don't end up being on the same side in this game together, the bitch is dope. I fucking love these noms dude, my 2 least favorite people sittingpretty on the block and i had nothing to do with it. HORNY cuz they wont even be coming for me. I hope nicky fucking bombs veto. "i cant talk to all 16 of u at once" ya....nobody fuckin asked you too but kristines point is sometimes a simple HELLO can save u from being nominated But regardless im proud of her and her tatse. * has one mixed drink and suddenly wants to fight nicky for no reason * oops i apologized to him and i didn’t even read anything from last night after what i said bc embarrassment. idc if he accept my apology, just wanted to throw it out there so i don’t look like a total douche

CHRIS:

Well week Number two and I’m in two separate alliances, have House majority, close with a few women, beyond the game have final choose with multiple people, should not be on the block for a long time, while slowly running this game behind the scenes with Myself. This backseat life is the best life

GWEN:

Hiiii. So looks like Nicky is going home tonight. He kind of dug his own grave. He was such a party pooper during our house game on Friday. Sooo. Yeah. I’m closest with Kori and Chris - getting closer to Chris for sure. What is it with me and Chris’s in ORGs? I need to get back to work. That is all for now :)

MACKENZIE:

i really gotta uhhhhh try harder bc i feel on the lowest end of the Entire Totem Pole. i feel like if i won smthn that would change but i’m a flop so

DEM:

I actually would have kept Nicky if he had the numbers. I wish he didn't quit. I think he messed up by throwing names around, because some people actually wanted to keep him...

EMMA:

if u cant handle the heat nicky why did u sign up.. quitting is worst then getting evicted.

TAWNI:

Ok since I was out of it last round time for my cast assessment now. Since this was due prior to Nicky quitting I’ll include him Nicky - I forgot he existed week one. Actually sad he quit and was gonna leave cause he was entertaining arguing with Kristine Gwen - I love Gwen. She allows me to not be the official grandma of the game. She is very sociable which is scary. But I think I can trust her. Austin - automatically meh about him cause of his name. Pretty forgettable honestly. Mackenzie - nice gal. Nothing negative to say. Haven’t talked much. Jess - the person I’m most terrified of. When I realized she is THE boojess like fuck me. I’m scared. I feel like as long as I don’t get on her bad side I’m good. William - seems like a good kid. Kristine - I’m v intimidated by her. She won hoh and veto and seems like a very smart player. She makes me nervous. Silence - who???? Brien- ok this kid. I’m doing what I can to get him to trust me. I know he is a loyal person. But am I the person he is loyal to? Or is it someone else? How do I make sure I am that person? Dem - nothing really to say MADISON - I love her sooooooooo much. She’s like the light of my life honestly and if I find out something different I’m gonna cry. Like I feel like a betrayal from her will hurt the most in this game. Andrew - okay first off......damn. I’m aware of his sexual orientation but boy sent me a photo so I could see his tattoos and DAMN!!! I need me a straight one of him. But he is a fun character I like him. Chris - I think I freaked him out when I sent him a long message about how I’m scared of cops. But I didn’t go up week one so that happened. I’m hoping I can work my way into his good graces later. Emma - seems like a sweet gal. I enjoy her. Kori - nothing to say sorry

[missjackil]

My 12X22  Opinion

Who We Are Im going to give this episode a standing ovation! I absolutely LOVED it! This is the kind of episode that made me want to watch it again, immediately after it ended, and I stopped sobbing. This could have stood on its own as a season finale, even without a cliff hanger. We start off in the bunker with Sam, Dean and bitch face Toni trapped with no water, lights, and having the air pumped out. This itself was kind of a silly method of death for the boys, because... well.. how would they not get out? But Im not complaining, I certainly don’t want them to die!  Mary is out and about, brain washed and killy. She just killed a hunter and shes ordered to kill Jody. We all like Jody so even though we know the boys will get out eventually, will it be in time to save Jody? Very good suspense build to start with.  Now the dynamic duo and the Brittish peice of shit, try this weird spell to turn the bunker back on, that needs virgin blood, Just kinda humorous I guess, not really anything I thought would work, but then the boys try to bash their way through a concrete wall. This was awesome! Not only was it incredibly hot to watch them in single layers, all dirty and sweaty, in safety goggles swinging around pick axes, but it turned into a very moving brother moment. Sam takes responsibility for deciding to work with the Britts, and though Id wish he would stop blaming himself for everything, it is kind of one of his charms that I find endearing. He has a great monologue and my favorite part : “Once I was in, I just followed.... because it was easy.... easier” (Dean) “Easier than what?” “Than to lead”

I never blamed Sam for wanting to try. I knew in 12x1 while he was chained to a chair and Toni told them what they do, he’d want to check it out himself. I was sure it would go bad too, but this is Supernatural, and if any pattern is steady, its the boys break it, then they fix it. I was also happy to see that Dean didnt chastise him, blame him for anything or whatnot, he just listened. Then the brother sat there, with the air thinning and Sam’s chest heaving (thank you Chuck) talking about their pending demise. Maybe it wasn’t how they would have wanted it, but they were together. When and if the time comes that they actually do draw their final breaths, they will be together.  Then Dean has the best idea to finally use the grenade launcher... and Sam isn’t even going to try to stop him this time. Toni is telling them theyre lunitics and they could all die if the building collapses on them. Sam and Dean have the BEST exchange of looks, because they dont care. If theyre gonna die, it will be in a blaze of glory, but its also the best bet to get them out.  I really did feel Sam’s anxiety when he went to look for Dean after the blast. His moment of relief when he saw the clearing made around the pipe and then his horror as the concrete collapsed into it. Panic mode yelling for his brother, not giving a shit where Toni is, where the hell is Dean?? Then the air is gone, he cant breathe, and just as he collapses from lack of air, in walks Dean, a little bloody and broken, but he’s ok. “Hey lunitic!” and all the life and love goes back into Sam’s face. (siiigh) Ok so we’re out of the bunker and safe, but now for some reason, Sam has some kind of blood stain on the front of his shirt, and he hasnt been bleeding? Only one bleeding is Dean and I dont know how Sam would get it on his stomach, but you can imagine whatever you want I guess LOL! We head off to Jody and find her safe but she has psycho!Mary tied up. Lets call all the hunters we can think of and take the Britts on ourselves. Of course the dudes that killed them in S5, show up and cant look the brothers in the eyes, but in traditional Winchester fashion, the boys look ;past it to fight for the greater good.  Sam takes control (purrrr) he has a wonderful, humble speech, thats very well worded and not the typical locker-room inspirational speech. He decides to take it on himself and not put any responsibility on Dean, which was odd because Dean wasn’t claiming it was all Sam’s idea anyway, but Sam was more “this ones on me” and for the first time ever, he asks people to follow him, into what might be their final fight.  What transpires after this started me crying and never let me go. Dean encourages Sam to do this without him, even though Sam will take a jacked up Dean Winchester over 10 other hunters any day, Dean supports him, and pridefully tells him he’s got this. He’s ready. And the bro hug Ive been waiting for all season happens!! It was wonderful!! “Cmere.... you come back” Sam :”promise” “Bitch” (Sam chokes back tears) “jerk” and my water works start!  Ive read a lot of you complaining this was too little, too late, or that it was fan service or whatever. I think it was perfect and right in place, even if it was long overdue. And if the powers that be heard the fans bitching about the lack of bromance, and started putting it back, then our work here is done! Now we move on to Dean getting into Mary’s head, while Sam is off fucking shit up over at the base. These scenes between Dean and Mary was some of the best acting Ive seen Jensen do ever. The initial “I hate you” cut me in 2. This, the man Ive watched for 12 seasons pine over his dead mother and longing to have a relationship with her, has now been broken down to hate her. And he tells her whats what, pulling no punches. Yeah dad lived but this is what happened, and gave her the condensed version of how he had too much responsibility put on him to take care of Sam and it wasnt fair because he couldnt do it.... Sam’s life was fucked up and Dean couldnt stop it and he hates her for that. He hates her and he loves her, because shes his mom and he cant help it. <insert shattering heart right here> kind of puts things into perscpective of the brothers’ relationship over the seasons. Times when theyve gotten so mad they hated each other, they always still loved each other. Dean forgives her, and he understands because hes made deals more than once to save Sam’s life, (not Cas’s btw) because he loves him. Sam has hated him for it sometimes, but forgives him, because he cant help but love him. So, Dean wants to start fresh. Im alright with that. Meanwhile, back at the BMOL base, Sam is kicking ass. Sam Fucking Winchester! Where i feel its been off balance with Dean having low kills this season, I am enjoying badass Sam very much. He’s always been badass, but its just leveled up some this season. But I cant believe the old man on the computer called Sam “boy” like whaaaaat??  So Dean gets slammed out of the mind link, to see Toni with her throat slashed (YAAAAAY!!!!) And Ketch ready to kill him... good fight ensues, Mary wakes up, dead Ketch (YAAAY!!) Dean and Mary talk more about starting over and forgivenes, and I THOUGHT I was safe and wouldnt need to cry anymore, but no. Mary is scared, what if Sam cant forgive her? In walks Sam and with the softest, most painful way he could,  says “Mom? You dont have to be scared of me” (I died... omf Sam) Mom hugs Sam... am I safe yet? hell no, Dean touches Sams shoulder “Im glad your back man” and comes in to wrap Sam in his arms AGAIN and Sam’s face is like he’s needed this his entire life and just.... WOW just fucking WOW This was by far the best episode of the season, and to be honest, maybe of the whole series for me. On a scale of Bloodlines to Swan Song, I am gonna say, shockingly, it MIGHT be tied with Swan Song, They’re 2 entirely different kinds of episodes, so I really cant say I loved one better than the other. But Im giving Who We Are a perfect 10! *clap clap clap clap clap* THIS is how you write an episode! Thank you!!

[lthu]

august 3 2017

I shouldn’t really be pushing my hands to do much work but either way if i write or type it’ll still hurt. not the point but i need to remember this when i am better (mentally)

all my life i’ve been writing about my depression and how it’s been inflicting me and amusing me simultaneously . there is so much to know about it, it’s not entirely the same for everyone. sure being “sad” is a straight forward synonym of depression but it really isn’t. i mean, i wish i was just sad from time to time because that’d be a hell of a lot easier than carry this stupid burden called depression. oh! and how can i forget about this..you get the whole package too. anxiety. anxiety is so broad too so broad. most anxieties might be common than others some might be rare..  i understand that much, i don’t think i fall into the category of rare anxiety but i’ve learn to understand most of my anxieties and i believe that is one of the hardest disorders to manage. ( i know i am wrong but i am talking about myself) i actually found out not too long ago that i was depressed since i was 13 years old. I actually had no clue until not too long ago. i had some of middle school friends come to my place i brought some notebooks we used share and write our thoughts i guess it was away to survive our awkward stage of life and stay close at the same time. they wrote so many funny things and when it came to me..i just wrote the most depressing shit in the world..i used words no 13 year old should really use (cant explain) but it was hella awkward they just said “wow you are dark” and what can i say? i said “yeah i still am, time hasn’t change me ha ha” but in my head i was like “wow i had depression and i had no clue what that was back then, now it makes so much sense” it really did actually, i felt like such a weird kid ( i liked and hated it) anyway i am 24 now i remember telling myself when i was 17 or 18 that i wouldn’t have depression once i turned 24 or 27 but i still do.. and i keep telling myself that i wont have it when i am 30. i know this is a lie but sometimes it feels good to believe. 

i’ve never been completely open about my depression until recently (i’ve seen some people come out and express to the public) ..and i guess that sort of encouraged me because it’s really nothing to be embarrassed about. ACTUALLY i’ve never been open about my medication until recently..actually like today i mean. i posted this photo on my instagram 

i had to think about it for awhile, i love this photo a lot because it explains everything that i am currently experiencing with having depression and anxiety.. and well taking medication for it. maybe someone found it too personal but it really isn’t. not anymore hah. i call it (no)rmal. i’d like to explain this further. 

I’ve been on medication for about a year an a half or perhaps 2 years..fucking time flies..i’m too oblivious of time. anyway same time i started seeking therapists both a psychologist and psychiatrist..it’s ok..i can talk about that later or another day ...that’s another whole fucking topic. 

i hate and love being medicated.

i’ve come to terms with this and i have accepted medication as an integral part of my life. ( i hope not permanently ) i’ve come to terms with what i can do and what i cannot do, when i can go to bed and when i cannot drive. it sucked at first..knowing that a little pill would have some authority in your life. i accept this i accept this.

i was so blinded by my changes when i started taking them. it took months for me to react to them. i changed i really did and i just noticed this. i was..normal............

and i didn’t even realize it! i thought i was better..functional.. i was able to talk to people in a banal matter, my life was just that, didn’t go further than that. yes, my moods improved but i don’t know how i feel about this. these changes.

(NO)RMAL

thats why i say no to normal. this wasn’t me this isn’t me. i think i am having a

it’s been about what? a year or a little less than a year that i’ve been experiencing this crisis. its a crisis that i face everyday and to go along with that my anxiety barges in so it gets really intense..but it’s not just any anxiety its..

so it’s a lot of layers of disorders and bullshit. how do i deal with them? i just stay quiet, ignore plans, hide, exchange a few typical boring words to co workers (for survival rly), draw, look at pics of dogs, relate to memes (oh i need to bring this up later) 

my security is to just stay quiet when i’m around people i don’t wanna talk to. i just instantly feel uncomfortable cos i’m in a personality crisis mode. it shuts me down. it cripples my speech. i get clumpsy. i get sweaty. i stutter. i forget english. i forget spanish. i’m oblivious. i have racing thoughts. i mean thats what 

is. Anyway because i am in this state i don’t know who i am, i am constantly trying to think and remember who i was, and when i do it was when i was deeply depressed. My depression did defined me back then and i did like it (and didn’t obviously) and i felt different definitely not normal. depression gave me the opportunity to think differently, it helped me with my poems and my art sometimes. it gave me so many strange thoughts that kept me questioning about life and myself, i believe it gave me some kind of wisdom. depression takes you to some really weird places.. mentally and physically. depression has also guided me to horrible horrible places. i wrote a letter to my depression early on a sunday morning, it was a bad morning

to sum up, briefly, what depression makes me feel when it hits me 10x stronger. somedays i am just numb. sometimes i miss my depression no matter how bad it got, i just felt like i was someone at the same time. i know this is no good..and that i must find “myself” a better “self” but how, i dont wanna be normal, i don’t wanna face things expectedly i don’t wanna have dull conversations. i wasn’t like this before, it was too different. 

anyway i am not depressed right now, i just had a moment of clarity earlier. i was thinking how i am not as open about my depression (only with my friends that are depressed or suffer from anxiety know because why not we are connected with this disease) so you gotta have  a

although we don’t talk about it like before anymore..before we use to just laugh about it laugh about our depression and how it mocks us..sometimes it wasn’t funny and one of us had to run away and just well..laugh alone.

depression is so common..why do we act as if it’s something to be embarrassed about or hide it? i know it aint easy but for me it did feel like that.. as if it’s an excuse to let your life be the way it is and it really shouldn’t be. right? but we have no control. i know i loose control almost all the time. 

my meds are helping me (sometimes) but theyre expected. i know ill fall asleep i know my mood might be neutral or balanced. not always but most of the time. 

& when i find depression, i find an old friend.